Moose Tracks

Well it’s round two, and I feel like I’m livin’ inside a pinball machine, let’s break it down into our top four lowlights:

1.  Violence is Frowned Upon?

OHAC consulted with the Bravo legal team and pulled a CYA move, noting that violence is not condoned in any way, shape, or form. Really, OHAC? You must have blacked out during every RHNJ reunion. Violence will not be condoned…Phooey. It’s what this dayum “Housewives” franchise was built upon! Anyway, the legal team sent Porsha home to think about what she did and she must write a five-page paper by Monday explaining why her actions were wrong. Nene goes on a rant about props being in “violation” and notes that Kenya was out of line for getting into Porsha’s personal space. Take it from the master of getting up in a grill…

Nene-DwightFace

Kenya thinks her props were all in good fun and Porsha’s issues are farther, wider, and deeper than a harmless scepter of death and insults being spewed through an annoying bullhorn. Kenya knows how to handle herself and can twirl away from a conflict before her anger spins out of control, clearly, she is the bigger person. She laments her childhood, “having to fight all my life”, Kandi snickers from across the couch, “Is this ‘The Color Purple?’”

2.  High School Reunion

The question arises about whether or not Nene and Phaedra knew each other from back in the day. Really, who the eff cares? We get off on a tangent about the Athens trip with Chuck, “The Big Homey”, which leads us to another opportunity to slam Chuck and his bite sized brownie. Then we get to the rumor Nene spread about Phaedra being called the “Head Doctor”. I guess we conclude that Nene knew of Phaedra, but they weren’t getting drunk in a closet somewhere while braiding each other’s hair. Nene actually apologized for perpetuating the abhorrent rumor and Phaedra spoke up to defend herself. That nickname was not hers, and anyone that knew her would testify that she was certainly no “slut bucket”, she was the smartest girl in her class. Hey, even smart girls have hidden talents. Anyhoo, Kenya pipes up about the term “head doctor” being listed in court documents surrounding Phaedra. Phaedra tries to shush her by pointing out that Kenya can’t get a husband. Kenya snipes back about Apollo straying and Phaedra quips back “not with you, barren women”.

3.  Ain’t No Mama Crazy Enough

We revisit Mama Joyce’s bucket o’ crazy outbursts and she comes out to take a seat. OHAC compliments her on looking ravishing in her pink dress. Mama claims she lost 40 pounds on the “I Hate Todd Tucker Stress Diet”, and she adds that she is “waiting on her peach”, as if she is going to become a full time cast member. Mama is a boatload o’ crazy tonight, if I didn’t know any better, I would say someone slipped her a mickey back in the green room.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta - Season 6

Everyone is laughing at Mama as if she is funny, but this is wrong on so many bath salt smoking levels. Mama keeps waffling about the Todd controversy and now claims she doesn’t have anything against him. She denies trying to set him up, she isn’t “pulling any of that James Bond” shit. She just can’t get over the fact that she raised Kandi to be a millionaire and a meager “hundredaire” stole her away. The only redeeming part of this segment is that Kandi puts Mama on blast for having a Home Shopping Network spending problem and a gambling problem. Kandi’s voice is shaking as she confronts her Mama and Mama claims she went through a lot to make sure her kids had the best. She turns to Nene and says if she had the body, she would have been swingin’ on the pole too, instead of pulling 12-hour shifts in a pie factory. It’s clear that no lessons have been learned here, Mama is still all about the Benjamins.

4.  Breaking Up is Hard to Do

It’s time to dissolve a contrived friend contract, Cynthia and Nene have reached the end of the road. Cynthia has been a loyal friend, although it’s been misconstrued as living deep up in Nene’s butt. The two have not been speaking, but Nene claims they squashed the beef and now the airing of the show has busted the sutures. Cynthia feels there isn’t any mutual respect and she starts to break down. Nene gives her best “f*ck you” stone face and refuses to discuss the friendship in this forum. Kandi and Kenya both try to get through to Nene, but she ain’t havin’ it. OHAC also points out that Nene has had several fallouts, Wigs-N-Cigs, She by Shereé, and Marlo “Check My Charges” Hampton. The common denominator is YOU, LENETHIA LEAKES! It looks like the Human Resources intern needs to sit Nene down and review her job description. Certainly, Nene isn’t comfortable because Cynthia has backup and Nene can’t traipse all over her. At this point, Cynthia clearly has no f*cks left to give and is ready to move on. Nene is completely self-unaware and is ready to walk, but Kenya throws out one last jab, “the moose has spoken”, and so it goes. Meanwhile, Phaedra keeps whispering prayers to Jesus on her end of the couch, but not even Jesus can mend this hot ass mess.

Cynthia-Crying

Next week the hubbies join the stage and Nene coins a new term, “funk box”.

Reunited and it Feels Like Loose Weave

Wow.  Just.  Wow.  If this is what part one looks like, I can’t wait for parts two and three…on with the show, this is it!  Reunion shows are often a bit disjointed, and that’s putting it mildly.  It’s like watching five rabid meerkats fighting it out in a motorcycle death cage.  So let’s break it down to our top five moments:

  1. Props for the Props

We all know Kenya is full blown, full throttle, pedal to the metal cray cray, but throw in her props and she ascends to the Defcon 5 level of bat shit.  She waves around her bejeweled scepter from the Deranged Disney Collection, she knights OHAC with it as if she were a Queen, and then she prods it in Porsha’s direction, just enough to send the already mentally unstable infant of the family off the rails.  More on that later…

Scepter

  1. The Roundup of Ills and General Malaise

Phaedra claims Apollo is only being held on a “complaint” regarding fraud, not indictment.  She has no involvement and in response to representing him in court, “hell to the naw!”

Nene suffers from pulmonary embolism, so now she is on medication and has to wear ugly compression socks when she travels.  Apparently, the compression socks cause her to have permanent stank face, or maybe it’s her Martha Washington powdered wig?

StankFace

The ladies all twerked at some point during the season, Cynthia has the saddest twerk that needs work.  The only reason this is worth mentioning is that it is during this discussion that it becomes painfully evident that Nene and Cynthia are not on good terms.

  1. Tardy for the Party

Nene suffered her trials with everyone being “Tardy for the Party” and on CP time.  Kandi and her Chic-Fil-A pit stop is revisited, which leads to the talk about calling each other fatties.

Kenya discusses why certain ladies were not invited to Velvet’s memorial and everyone reached out to Keyna except for Nene.  Nene looks like she would rather be deloused in women’s prison than be at this reunion taping.

  1. So Nasty, So Rude

OHAC asks about the African Prince, or as Phaedra calls him, “Casper the Friendly Boyfriend”.  Porsha claims that Kenya offered to pay someone $15K to pose as her rent-a-man on the show.  Kenya waves the scepter at Porsha again, and Porsha snatches it and flings it across the room.  Kenya whips out a megaphone so she can talk over Porsha.  Porsha threatens to shove the scepter up Kenya’s fake diaper booty ass and Kenya challenges Porsha to spell scepter.  Porsha proves she doesn’t know what the hell she is talking about and banters back with “Your breaf smell like a sceptic tank, bey-otch!”

Allegedly, Nene met Kenya’s mysterious African prince, but not really.  Nene said she was walking out of a hotel at 10 p.m. at night and some man with a thick accent approached her and said something unintelligible to her.  Nene went on her merry way and Kenya called her to ask why she was so nasty and so rude to her boyfriend.  Nene repeats “So Nasty, So Rude”, three times.

  1. Calm Yer Teets

At the top of the hour, Porsha introduced her new boobs, she claims she ate her yams and got twins.  Oy, a collective OY!  She invited OHAC to “smell them, they’re new”.  Uhh…EW!

EW

Later, OHAC backs Kenya into a bit of a corner about Walter-gate.  Kenya claims Karma has done its job with the ladies who did not support her last season.  Phaedra felt she was supportive toward Kenya with her “rental boyfriend”, but Kenya scoffs, the subject of Walter is as “dead as the hair on his head.”  Porsha decides to pipe up, she is fed up with Kenya playing victim.  Kenya insults her intelligence again and whips out the megaphone.  Porsha goes low “your vagina is so rotten, no one will claim you!”  Kenya shouts through the megaphone, Porsha cheated on Kordell and “you’re a dumb ho!”  Porsha loses her shiz.

 

BullHorn

Porsha dives after the megaphone, and in the process, rips off Cynthia’s dress exposing her real teet.  Porsha and Kenya are on their feet and OHAC tries to pry them apart, but he is still a li’l gun-shy after being whipped around like a rag doll by Teresa Goo-boo-chay on RHNJ.

Get Fired

Quick as lighting, Porsha has a handful of Kenya’s weave and she drags Kenya up in this beyotch!  Production crew tackles Porsha to the ground and Kenya storms off, looking fairly unscathed, with Lawrence in tow.  I guess it is her real hair.  Nene and Phaedra try to calm Porsha down, she is hysterical, kicking her feet, crying that she can’t believe she embarrassed herself this way.  Nene covers Porsha’s mouth so she doesn’t say anything stupid and Nene calls out “someone get her some house shoes!”

Calm Teet

Production carries her off, because she is apparently so exhausted, winded, and bereft over her uncouth display of violence and the Bravo Intern hasn’t arrived with the house shoes yet.  Kandi runs back stage and Phaedra comments “she went Decatur on her real fast!”  Phaedra and Kandi disband to have their makeup touched up and talk about Kandi’s bachelorette party which will have weird strippers (Re-DICK-ulous), and ain’t nobody got time for this here craziness!

OHAC apologizes to Kenya in her dressing room, he feels terrible that it went there.  He goes across the way to see Porsha, she feels so much happened so fast and she was not ready for cameras in her face.  Then the blow horn and saying shit about Kordell sent her over the edge.  Porsha blacked out in a fit of rage and doesn’t remember much.  She is embarrassed, but felt pushed.  OHAC sends her home for the day and asks that Porsha apologize to Kenya at some point, which we know will never happen.

Next week, the reunion carries on, we get into the Mama Joyce drama and we find out why Cynthia and Nene are on the outs.

Annnnnd Scene!

Kandi is busily rehearsing at home appropriately sporting her “More Issues than Vogue” off the shoulder tee-shirt. Todd comes in and is loving her Flashdancy style, but informs her that ticket sales are a wee bit slow. Kandi doesn’t seem too worried, but she wants Mama Joyce to approve and see the project succeed rather than bust, as if it’s a metaphor for the relationship. Todd discussed the talk he had with Mama last week, but felt she was just phoning it in. Kandi is good, as long as Mama stays cool, but now they have to focus on wedding plans, a pre-nup, and their Bravo spin-off show.

Kenya’s aunt Lori is prepping for Velvet’s memorial service on what appears to be a muddy construction site full of puddles (Chateau by Shereé?) Kenya arrives, full of emotion and wearing a puffy skirt from the “Sex and the City Menstrual Collection”. Cynthia shows up with her dog in tow and Lori delivers a eulogy. We are treated to a video montage of Velvet, and she sure was a cute little shit. Cynthia is trying to hold on to her dog and he is squirming around in her arms like a toddler.

Kenya-skirt

Phaedra’s n’er do well hubby and her adorable son, Ayden, bring her a cake to congratulate her on completion of her mortician schooling. Ayden is too cute, when Phaedra says “thank you”, Ayden says “just doin’ my job!” Apollo thinks Phaedra had been “clogged down” with school and now she can get back to her old self. Phaedra can barely disguise her sheer disdain for him, he has no idea, “try having a vagina for one day”. This marriage has one foot in the grave. Pun. Intended. And. Totes. Necessary.

Porsha sits down with her sistager and Mom to celebrate the finalization of her divorce, which took eight months. Porsha describes it as uneventful, she only had to sign some papers because she didn’t want to take Kordell to court and she already had custody of her self-aggrandizing self-portrait. Her mom gives her a pep talk and they toast to “moving forward”, however mama is salivating over Porsha’s diamond ring. Porsha takes it off and drops it in her wine glass. As the three be-bop into the kitchen for some pepperoni pizza rolls, y’all know Mama is going back for the ring and heading to the nearest “Cash 4 Gold” shop.

Cynthia wants to surprise Peter because he is always surprising her… “You married a buffoon – Surprise!”, “I spent all your modelin’ money – Surprise!”, “I got an apartment across town – Surprise”, “Foreclosure on your modelin’ skewl for the wayward – Surprise!” Cynthia decides to go “Basic Instinct” and she plans to sit “Sharon Stone style” while smoking a cigar in order to greet Papa Smurf when he gets home. She debates about what to say, “surprise”, “hi big daddy”, “welcome home papa smurf”. She settles on “welcome home” since it’s the least disgusting option. Malorie is assisting her set up strawberries, tea lights, and feathers, and Cynthia asks her to rehearse. The role of Peter will be played by Malorie… she pretend walks in and says “what the f*ck is this?”, which actually isn’t too far off the mark. Cynthia shoos her out the door, assumes the position, makes sure her Spanx aren’t showing, and of course, Peter laughs at her being the total choad that he is.

Cynthis-BasicInstinct

Nene arrives home after some heavy traveling and she complains of a pain on her right side under her mammoth boob. Has her bubble finally burst? Gregg is a professional at fixing this, he thinks it’s trapped gas. If she doesn’t rip a juicy fart soon, he will rush her to the hospital.

Kandi and Todd are ready for opening night. Things are falling into place, Todd is busying around asking various crew how things work, and at least Porsha has shown up. Kandi points out to the hair and makeup team that she farts when she is nervous. No worries Kandi, the fart bubbles will get trapped in your pleather leggings. The Stage Manager, Lark, finds Porsha taking a nap on the casting couch and gives her another “come to Jesus” talk about her performance and work ethic. Porsha misconstrues it as an apology and tells us that “Some stars are born, but I was made for this.” Err? Porsha goes back to her nap. Because Porsha is tired. As tired as the inner thighs of an overworked hooker.

Carmon heads over to Kandi’s dressing room to inform her that Mama Joyce is in the hizzy so she is going to lay low for fear of Mama’s flying Wal-Mart wedgies. We get some snippets of the play and the audience. Phaedra and Cynthia critique and talk the whole time, Apollo is out cold as soon as the lights go up, and Mama Joyce is with her boyfriend BENNY?!?!? Benny is the man who Mama Joyce tried to bribe into taking Todd out and getting him hammered and rubbin’ up on chicks. That is Mama’s BOYFRIEND?!?! UGH!

At the end of the play, they get a standing ovation from everyone except Mama and Benny who look like they would rather endure a Mexican kidney heist than be at this musical. Backstage, Mama tells Kandi she did like the play and understands that they may need to agree to disagree. I think someone gave Mama a double dose of sedative or Phaedra hit her with the Phaedra Sparks Tazer Gun in the parking lot.

Kandi-Dancing

Kandi has a chance to talk with her dad, Titus. He reassures Kandi about her success and relationship with Todd, he essentially calls Mama Joyce “riff raff”, and advises Kandi to go with her heart.

We seal up this never ending Ziploc bag o’ crazy with a brief synopsis of where the ladies are now:

  • Phaedra plans to open her crematorium, but out of her many “jobssss” she will not be representing Apollo in his fraud case.
  • Porsha is dating an African tycoon, but not the same man as Keyna is allegedly dating.
  • Cynthia and Peter are still in limbo with Bar One, but Cynthia manages to slip a tablespoon of anti-freeze into Peter’s cocktails.
  • Kenya and her “prince” are planning on in vitro fertilization in June 2014, unless someone else beats him to the punch.
  • Nene was admitted to the hospital and her lungs had allegedly collapsed. It’s a rare condition called “Blowharditis”. Nene has since recovered and she Dancing away with the Stars.
  • A Mother’s Love sold out five Atlanta performances and Kandi and Todd are working on another production, which was an April wedding.

Next week, part one of the reunion and it looks like the highlight is Kenya waving her scepter at Porsha and a knock down drag out weave pulling incident ensues.

Life Imitates Art

Well whadda ya’ know, another housewife is in a recording studio hoping to become the next one-hit wonder.  Porsha is signing her little heart out while studio engineer, Hector and vocal coach, James listen and watch completely stone faced, looking like they would rather be eating their own earwax than listening to this shit storm of a song titled “Perfectly Worthless”!  James shuts her down like a tilt a whirl that has missing parts, he isn’t feeling any emotion in her voice.  Kandi arrives just in time for something to collapse in the sound booth, but it isn’t enough to render Porsha unconscious.  She takes five to chat with Kandi, but it ain’t all puppies-n-bacon.  Kandi is waving her finger at Porsha, she has been a no show at rehearsal.  Kandi tops off the shit sundae by reading Porsha a litany of hostile, albeit true, e-mails from the stage manager.  Porsha tries to strong ball Kandi, claiming her “team is not communicating”, and I can see the smoke come out of Kandi’s ears.  Porsha calls her sistager, Lauren, who attempts to back up her sissy-deedle, but the incompetence shows through like the visible panty lines on Kandi’s leggings.  They received the rehearsal schedule, but Lauren didn’t see the e-mail until after Don Juan called to bitch them out.  Yes, the key to making it to rehearsal is the actual “seeing” of the e-mail, anyone can just receive them!  Whoopsies…Porsha apologizes that her “team” dropped the ball and reaffirms her dedication to “A Mother’s Love.”

Porsha-MissRehearsal

Nene meets her short manager, Steven Grossman, so she can emasculate him and discuss the millions of dollars Nene is leaving on the table.  Of course, she is starting a clothing line for HSN, hope it’s not another She by She-FAIL.  Nene apparently passed on a USA Network John Stamos’ show and a project with John Lovitz and Bill Bellamy.  Nene admits she didn’t read the scripts and will only take jobs that “elevate her”.  Nene seems to have an “elevated” sense of her foothold in the acting world.  Steven wants to see Nene on a show like “Scandal”, but Nene admits she has never seen it and is happy to rest on her “Coach Roz” status for now.  Way to stay complacent!

Cynthia and Peter meet up at the defunct Bar One to discuss possible foreclosure, which Cynthia read on a blog forwarded to her by her third cousin twice removed, who twatted about it on Facebook.  The property owners have not been paying the mortgage, but he’s been paying rent, so he thinks the bank will honor the lease.  The operative word is “thinks”, if Peter “thinks” anything, then me thinks you run for the hills dear Cynthia!  If they lose their location, this would mean curtains for the Bailey Agency Fashion Skewl for the Wayward.  Cynthia is more upset about the fact that Peter doesn’t tell her this shit, and Peter turns into Snappy McSnapperton, the defensive cranky sea turtle.  If anyone AXES her about their issues, Peter advises her to say “Mind yo’ bidness!”  I still don’t know how she manages to NOT to poison him slowly with anti-freeze.

Aunt Lori rushes to see a hysterical Kenya, who is disabled and crying in bed.  I had a feeling this was about Velvet, and sure enough it turns out Velvet was attacked by a neighboring dog.  Kenya rushed her to the vet, but Velvet died in her arms.  Aunt Lori offers her some comfort and suggests that they have a memorial service for Velvet and that maybe Velvet was making room for something else in Kenya’s life.  Yeah, like that fake baby!  As much as I dislike Kenya and think she is full-blown bat-shit cray cray, my heart goes out to her.  That sucks!

Kenya-Crying

Kandi is dressed in her finest camo smock, and the Fashion Queens declare war on this top!  She has a family counselor over for a house call to assist her with the Mama Joyce situation.  The counselor lays a valid point on the table, why at 37 years old, is Kandi allowing her mother to behave this way?  Kandi claims it’s a respect thang.  Mama arrives in a flashy smock-lette of her own and her finest Joyce DeWitt wig.  The Doc has a sesh with Mama one on one to AX what is going on, she immediately starts bashing Todd…he quit his $100K per year job because Kandi has money.  Ugggh…first of all she fails to recognize that Todd had to quit because working for Bravo and having a relationship with Kandi was a conflict of interest.  She fails to acknowledge that he went to work for BET, but left that job due to the hectic travel schedule.  Oy, as if that bucket o’ steaming donkey shit wasn’t bad enough, Mama then points out that Kandi has gained 30 pounds and Todd is falling down on the job, he should remind her to go to the gym [insert sound of needle scratching off of record here].  I DARE ANY MAN ANYWHERE TO TELL ANY WOMAN ANYWHERE AT ANY TIME THAT SHE NEEDS TO GO TO THE GYM!  Whew…I went a little off the rails there, but I digress…I suppose if Mama truly has a death wish for Todd, he should tell Kandi to go to the gym because she will surely rip out his intestines and use them as her personal jump rope.  Yeah motherf*cker…I’m workin’ out now!

Kandi-Counselor

Mama goes on…Kandi never had a father figure and Kandi was close to her brother who passed away when he was 22.  Mama can’t comment on how Todd treats Riley either, because she isn’t around them.  The counselor seems stunned by the fact that Mama is slinging all these judgments without even taking the time to get to know Todd.  Kandi pops back in and the counselor asks if they love one another, and of course they do, they plan to have another session with him.

Nene has traveled to New York and is at the Home Shopping Network office to review samples from her new clothing line for drag queens.  She is shooting down every piece, including the showstopper pleather dress that HSN was banking on.  In a last ditch effort, one of the HSN interns shows Nene a royal blue smock that she deems “the wow piece.”  Put the bitch in a brightly colored smock-lette with cut out shoulders and she’s happier than a dog with two dicks!  Nene has the world by the tail, “one door closes, another one opens…just like ‘dat…BOOP!”

Nene-HSN

Kenya has called a sit down with Kandi and Cynthia, she tells them about Velvet, and Cynthia uses one of her modeling techniques she teaches at her fashion house for wayward two-bit models, known as “the bug-eyed over the top gasp, arm flail, and simultaneous chest grab.”  They offer their condolences and hugs, Cynthia apologizes for the “weird reaction”, which doesn’t make it any less weird, and Kenya invites them to the memorial.  Needless to say, Nene will not be getting an e-vite.

 

At the 0:43 minute mark, we get the 30 second interstitial, which is the only time we see Phaedra this week.  Phaedra and Apollo are at a pottery class, playing with a blob of clay à la “Ghost”.  Thank God, this is only 30 seconds of our lives we will never get back.

Phaedra-Ghost

On the set of “A Mother’s Love”, it’s one week before opening night and the walking monstrosity that is Porsha, strolls in for her first rehearsal.  She is dumbfounded that she has to be singing, acting, and staying in character all at the same time.  Holy shit, she is chewing gum too, I think her head is going to explode.  Lark the sassy stage manager that could, reads Porsha like a trashy harlequin romance novel.  Lark gives her the bob-n-weave neck twist of shame combined with the stank eye of doom, but Porsha promises she will get her shit together.

Mama Joyce creeps in to observe rehearsal and Todd is milling around in the lobby talking to his owner mother, who sounds like she is about ready to come down there and kick Mama Joyce’s ass.  The cast takes a break and Don Juan walks Mama Joyce out to the lobby, then he exits stage left, in order to give Todd the Bravo mandated “time alone to further this tired old story line.”  Todd gives Mama a tour and shows her how the red carpet and reception area will be set up.  Mama Joyce is being very short with him, shooting him the side eye.  Todd wants to clear up the tension with her and Mama Joyce explains that she lost respect for Todd because he stopped working after he met Kandi.  Todd explained that he works on contract and he took a break and he had money saved, he did not sponge off of Kandi.  He took contracts out of town, but Kandi wanted him to be home.  He just wants Mama to like him and eventually learn to love him, the only person suffering is Kandi.  Mama admits that she lost one child and she has been too protective of Kandi.  Now that she finally has come out of her psychosis induced stupor, this sheds light on her behavior.  Doesn’t make it right, but she finally explained where she is coming from.  She softens her death gaze a bit and gives Todd a hug.  Good thing, because Todd and Kandi just got married on April 4, 2014 and she is getting her own Bravo show about her wedding!

Kandi-todd

Next week, it’s the season finale!  It’s opening night for the musical, Nene would rather stab herself in the spleen and be admitted to the hospital than go to said musical, and Kenya holds the tearful memorial service for Velvet.