Well it’s round two, and I feel like I’m livin’ inside a pinball machine, let’s break it down into our top four lowlights:
1. Violence is Frowned Upon?
OHAC consulted with the Bravo legal team and pulled a CYA move, noting that violence is not condoned in any way, shape, or form. Really, OHAC? You must have blacked out during every RHNJ reunion. Violence will not be condoned…Phooey. It’s what this dayum “Housewives” franchise was built upon! Anyway, the legal team sent Porsha home to think about what she did and she must write a five-page paper by Monday explaining why her actions were wrong. Nene goes on a rant about props being in “violation” and notes that Kenya was out of line for getting into Porsha’s personal space. Take it from the master of getting up in a grill…
Kenya thinks her props were all in good fun and Porsha’s issues are farther, wider, and deeper than a harmless scepter of death and insults being spewed through an annoying bullhorn. Kenya knows how to handle herself and can twirl away from a conflict before her anger spins out of control, clearly, she is the bigger person. She laments her childhood, “having to fight all my life”, Kandi snickers from across the couch, “Is this ‘The Color Purple?’”
2. High School Reunion
The question arises about whether or not Nene and Phaedra knew each other from back in the day. Really, who the eff cares? We get off on a tangent about the Athens trip with Chuck, “The Big Homey”, which leads us to another opportunity to slam Chuck and his bite sized brownie. Then we get to the rumor Nene spread about Phaedra being called the “Head Doctor”. I guess we conclude that Nene knew of Phaedra, but they weren’t getting drunk in a closet somewhere while braiding each other’s hair. Nene actually apologized for perpetuating the abhorrent rumor and Phaedra spoke up to defend herself. That nickname was not hers, and anyone that knew her would testify that she was certainly no “slut bucket”, she was the smartest girl in her class. Hey, even smart girls have hidden talents. Anyhoo, Kenya pipes up about the term “head doctor” being listed in court documents surrounding Phaedra. Phaedra tries to shush her by pointing out that Kenya can’t get a husband. Kenya snipes back about Apollo straying and Phaedra quips back “not with you, barren women”.
3. Ain’t No Mama Crazy Enough
We revisit Mama Joyce’s bucket o’ crazy outbursts and she comes out to take a seat. OHAC compliments her on looking ravishing in her pink dress. Mama claims she lost 40 pounds on the “I Hate Todd Tucker Stress Diet”, and she adds that she is “waiting on her peach”, as if she is going to become a full time cast member. Mama is a boatload o’ crazy tonight, if I didn’t know any better, I would say someone slipped her a mickey back in the green room.
Everyone is laughing at Mama as if she is funny, but this is wrong on so many bath salt smoking levels. Mama keeps waffling about the Todd controversy and now claims she doesn’t have anything against him. She denies trying to set him up, she isn’t “pulling any of that James Bond” shit. She just can’t get over the fact that she raised Kandi to be a millionaire and a meager “hundredaire” stole her away. The only redeeming part of this segment is that Kandi puts Mama on blast for having a Home Shopping Network spending problem and a gambling problem. Kandi’s voice is shaking as she confronts her Mama and Mama claims she went through a lot to make sure her kids had the best. She turns to Nene and says if she had the body, she would have been swingin’ on the pole too, instead of pulling 12-hour shifts in a pie factory. It’s clear that no lessons have been learned here, Mama is still all about the Benjamins.
4. Breaking Up is Hard to Do
It’s time to dissolve a contrived friend contract, Cynthia and Nene have reached the end of the road. Cynthia has been a loyal friend, although it’s been misconstrued as living deep up in Nene’s butt. The two have not been speaking, but Nene claims they squashed the beef and now the airing of the show has busted the sutures. Cynthia feels there isn’t any mutual respect and she starts to break down. Nene gives her best “f*ck you” stone face and refuses to discuss the friendship in this forum. Kandi and Kenya both try to get through to Nene, but she ain’t havin’ it. OHAC also points out that Nene has had several fallouts, Wigs-N-Cigs, She by Shereé, and Marlo “Check My Charges” Hampton. The common denominator is YOU, LENETHIA LEAKES! It looks like the Human Resources intern needs to sit Nene down and review her job description. Certainly, Nene isn’t comfortable because Cynthia has backup and Nene can’t traipse all over her. At this point, Cynthia clearly has no f*cks left to give and is ready to move on. Nene is completely self-unaware and is ready to walk, but Kenya throws out one last jab, “the moose has spoken”, and so it goes. Meanwhile, Phaedra keeps whispering prayers to Jesus on her end of the couch, but not even Jesus can mend this hot ass mess.
Next week the hubbies join the stage and Nene coins a new term, “funk box”.