Catshrills

We start with the Teresa Melissa dust up conversation.  I will present this in a conversation capsule as we did last week:

The Christening was disgusting…Didn’t sleep for a week!

Get away…Don’t know why!

Do know why…Holding the baby, faking!…Faking?

Nicey nicey…I came to the hospital!

Melissa rolling eyes

Money!  Money?  Money!  Don’t go there!

Joe owes money to an unhappy plumber…this is common, pay him the $1,000, your wife has more than that on her feet!

Teresa wants to move forward, tit for tat, parents dying, move forward.  Rewind to when Melissa and Joey first met.  You were like a sister.

Ignore phone call, push away, run away!

Wife makes it and wife breaks it.  Eye rolling!

Melania and Antonia are asking about each other, the wives need to make it better.  It’s sick!

Show me love!

Melissa brings up Kathy, Tre puts the kibosh on that!

Melissa snickers, they hug it out.

Whew…well it was a bit anti-climactic and a bit like being stuck inside of a coo-coo clock.  This is not over, it never will be.  These two can say they are over the “Petty bullshit” as much as they want, they will engage in B.S. again.  Jacqueline is eavesdropping and smiling as she thinks they are making progress.  Melissa is already a doubting the reconciliation, she has a person on her shoulder whispering “bullshit” in her ear.

Jacqueline comes in with cookies, Melissa brings out old pictures from vacation and they reminisce.  Jacqueline invites Melissa and Joe to their annual holiday cocktail party.  Hang on to your wigs and keys folks, something tells me there may be another pageant fista-cuffs at the party.

Teresa starts yammering again, Jacqueline dives on top of her in effort to shut her up.  Teresa brings up the punch between Jacqueline and Caroline and says all sister in-laws fight.  They wind up with a glass of wine and all is fine…for now.

Caroline and Albert discuss her radio performance and the Catskills.  Albert will not be going to the Catskills and Caroline is afraid, she likes the Catskills, but this is “Teresa’s Catskills”.  Jacqueline is packing up, and apparently all she needs is a Rubbermaid storage tub full o’ wine.  Chris is packing guns and Jacqueline tells him she is on her period and he shouldn’t want her to be around guns.  She is deeply concerned, but he can’t tell because of her botox.

Melissa is preparing for Antonia’s ballroom dance recital at the Christmas Ball.  Melissa and her sister Lysa have a meeting of the mind to dish on the dust up.  She busts out the “family first” routine that Teresa gave her and now Lysa is totally pissed off.  Melissa says that this is the “last and final draw.”  Oh mother of all that is good and descent, would these people learn their colloquialisms?!?! 

Teresa is ready to roll to the Catskills, looking like bigfoot.  Jacqueline says it will be good for Teresa to get away and “unravel a little bit.”  Well Jacqueline, Teresa is about as unraveled as they come, I think you meant UNWIND a little bit.  Judging by the storage tub full o’ wine that Jacqueline is bringing, I would say they plan to become completely unhinged.

Chris asks Juicy if he wants to taste his nuts.  Har har har, fun in the car.  It sounds like everybody and their brother is invited, should be cozy.

Kathy is sorting through her recipes, oh whadda you know, she wants to do a dessert catering business because she is so proud of her dessert table at Thanksgiving.  Richie wants to think bigger and his imagination is running wild.  Kathy is irritated, she wants to go with her own ideas instead of Richie taking over.  He don’t want her doin’ no “piggies in a blanket.”  Kathy wants to be left to her own devices, but he talks her into looking at some restaurant space.  Is it just me, or do the cast members of these Housewives shows make the dumbest business decisions ever?

The crew is arriving at the Catskills and papa Juicy Sr. is setting the table.  They are late and Tre blames Juicy Jr.  There are dead animals all over the walls and Jacqueline is freaked out.  The men are playing with the guns and papa Juicy Sr. is preparing dinner, pasta-n-thumbs, I think.  Everyone is more fascinated by the guns rather than eating and one of the men hand Teresa a gun.  She starts pointing it and thinks she looks sexy.  They are consuming more home-made wine and Jacqueline says “it smells like rotten eggs, like an old dogs fart.”  I think I just threw up in my mouth.  The look on her face while she is drinking it says it all.  Teresa says it’s wonderful and she loves it.  Sidebar:  On “Watch What Happens Live” after the Housewives, Jacqueline stated that she was not talking about the wine, but the water, which has sulfur in it, hence the smell.  Well thank goodness she cleared that up.  I can’t imagine them drinking wine that smells like an old dog fart.  Is an old dog fart worse than a baby dog fart?  I don’t know…I think all dog farts are in the same class…bad.  Oops…I digress.

The crew is getting pretty lit up and the conversation is bordering on TMI.  They are making pizzas in the middle of the night and Jacqueline is making Nutella calzone.  Jacqueline and Teresa slink off to gossip about Christmas and family matters, but these two are tore up from the floor up!  Teresa is not sure if Kathy will be at the family holiday because their fathers had a fight over $200.00.  Teresa whispers this as she is speaking directly to the camera.  As if whispering it is going to keep it on the “down low.”  Smooth move, Tre…way to keep it hush hush.  Whisper it on NATIONAL TELEVISION. Then she says “that’s the way the ball drops.”  However, she actually does catch herself and corrects her phrase.  Oh well, that’s the way the cookie fumbles, you win some you snooze some, never look a gift horse in its asshole.

Chris brings in a piece of Jacqueline’s Nutella calzone and she tries it and starts yelling that she wins the pizza contest.  Note to Jacqueline, do not eat hot Nutella and then shout with your mouth open.  Not a pretty sight!  She looks like she has a mouthful of steamin’ poo.

Richie and Kathy go to look at restaurant space and Kathy has her Michael Jackson hat on.  Kathy doesn’t want Richie to think she is working for him, so they must be partners.  Richie doesn’t like the first spot because there is a body shop near it and in the summer the customers will be choking on the fumes from the body shop.  Gotta love that Richie, he is such a forward thinker.  A real visionary!  Kathy doesn’t like it because it looks like a pizzeria.  They look at another spot and she hates the décor.  Richie says “it looks like a big, cold box.”  No Richie, that’s your wife….

Shift to Juicy spanking Teresa up in the Catskills upon waking up in his boy-hood bed.  They are playing with a small vibrating pocket buddy, which is just bizarre.  Juicy reminisces about the times they shared together and he climbing around on the bed in his crusty long underwear and tube socks.  I have to say, not a good look for the Juice man.  He needs to put a shirt on.  He looks like a disheveled honey bear that was shot with a blow-dart without enough tranquilizer.

Meanwhile, Jacqueline watches one of the men prep a pig for roasting.  Teresa is still in her pink zebra stripe PJ’s and she wants to shoot the gun.  Caroline and the gang are now arriving.  She gives the boys II Manzos a mini-lecture about the guns, but something tells me they have no intention of listening.  The girls gather in the kitchen and Teresa comes out in this weird Eskimo, American Indian, full length leather vest with fur trim.  Caroline “didn’t get the memo” about dress code, she says she went for comfort.  Although with a camel-toe the size of New Jersey, I don’t see how Caroline could be comfortable.

Caroline needs to find a CVS in town, maybe they have an “As Seen on TV” aisle where she can purchase a device to remove that stubborn camel toe once and for all!  Christopher says he wants to get drunk before they go skeet shooting.  Wow, just wow… just goes to show you that there is no “off” position on the genus switch.  Caroline tells him no quads, which apparently means 4-wheelers.  Teresa wants Caroline to let up on the boys a bit, but I have to go with Caroline on this one.  Drunk men + guns + 4-wheelers = recipe for disaster.

Juicy thinks he’s John Wayne and he is shooting up watermelons.  Later, Chris asks Juicy if Teresa is on a “budget” for holiday shopping.  Chris, you should know better, Teresa doesn’t speak that language.  The girls are in town purchasing some groceries and scaring the local townies.  Meanwhile, the boys are off on the quads, and Christopher says that Albie “drives like a bitch” so their mom has nothing to worry about.

Joe is playing grab ass with Melissa and she is trying to run away from him.  He is going crazy over her red dress and literally jams his hand up her butt crack and she tells him to “back off.”  They are walking out of the house and Joe is video taping Melissa’s ass as she is walking out.  Melissa is lecturing Joe in the car about parents and how she lost her father, they should enjoy their time with them.  Joe goes into his shpeel about how he is her father, blah, blah blah.  He is just so creepy.  I don’t know what exactly is wrong with him.  Either he was dropped on his head several times as a child or he is taking too much human growth hormone.  Dat boy just ain’t right!

Back in the Catskills, the gang breaks out the pig and the homemade ass-crack wine.  Caroline is grossed out by the pig and Chris is waving around the pigs head or something.  It may be a lamb head, I don’t know, but it has tubes hanging out of the neck.  It’s pretty disgusting.  Teresa serves some lasagna so Caroline can eat something that “wasn’t running around”.  They laugh and talk over dinner, and then they break out this old picture of Juicy doing the splits.  He is not just doing the splits on land, but he has his toes balanced on railings, so he is in mid-air.  It looks like he is under a bridge or something and he is wearing a Richard Simmons outfit and he has a smarmy used-car salesman moustache.  This picture is so hilarious, it makes me wanna have Christmas.  The gang decides to have a contest and Jacqueline busts it out and goes right into a split.  Then Juicy gets down, but he’s gotta ease into it.  Good thing he’s had a few drinks to firm his resolve and quell any misgivings.  He’s easing into it with his tight jeans and Chris says he “spreads really easy”.  Well with that accomplished, they decide to go out in the dark to drive the quads, drunk.  This is some real genius shit here.  But I am so glad they got a chance to unravel, they never get to act this crazy at home!

Sidebar:  This house in the Catskills is, let’s say, quite cozy.  It appears to be very tight quarters.  I do not even want to think about the bathroom situation, especially if they are drinking a lot of old dog-fart wine and consuming various unidentifiable meats.

Kathy and family arrive for Antonia’s dance recital.  Joe’s mother is there and Melissa is worried about tension between her mother in law and Kathy.  Of course Kathy doesn’t get caught up in any “petty bullshit”.  Well Kathy, the night is young.

Joe is dancing around with his mother on the dance floor and he is picking her up, twirling her around, and practically drops her.  I think his mother is taller than he is.  The first act of the show starts and Richie says he feels like he’s in the twilight zone and he wants to leave.  Antonia comes out and Joe is video taping her.  She marches out and starts jumping around with her dance partner, who happens to be a much older African-American man.  All of the people in this show are adults.  Something tells me Antonia is the youngest student they have at the New Jersey Fred Astaire school of dance.  Antonia’s partner moves her around like he is posing a doll.  Sorry Antonia, but you got a long way to go kid.  Joe’s mother is lecturing him about eating something because he is drinking.  Joe is looking happy, his cheeks are all rosy, and he is all smiles, but he is a bit punch drunk.

The Catskills crew roll up to the B & B lounge.  They think it stands for broke and busted.  Teresa is going nuts and they are scaring the local rubes.  She says “it looks like fifth avenue enraided the Catskills.”  I wish I was kidding.  Teresa is playing wing man and she gets on stage to try and auction off Caroline’s friend Delores.

The next day there is more shooting and Caroline is ready to go home, stick a fork in her, she’s done.  Teresa first needs to take the crew to their personal chapel that Juicy’s father built at the end of the driveway.  How convenient, drink, shoot, eat pig, drive quad in dark, drink, do splits, repent, repeat!

Jacqueline and Caroline have the giggles in the chapel.  They are completely slap happy.  Caroline says it’s like a whore going to church after a weekend of debauchery. 

I think the way to settle this whole Gorga vs. Giudice mess is to have a “split-off”.  Whoever can drop it down into the splits in tight jeans the fastest wins.  Next week should be a real doozy!

Cool as a Whistle

We begin with Caroline rehearsing for her radio gig.  Caroline is having some jitters, so she has enlisted the help of her friend, Delores for a rehearsal.  Delores pretends to be Teresa calling in about the Joe problem.  She does a pretty good impression, she keeps interrupting and she is not listening.

Melissa and Joe are selecting an outfit for Joe to wear to the peace talks with Teresa.  Melissa picks out a blue shirt to go with his brown pants.  I have never heard of that color combo, but based on Melissa’s outfit, she should not be giving fashion advice.  She is still wearing her bedazzled knit cap and a weird black and blue sweater.  Joe pooh-poohs the brown shirt (pun intended) and wants something else, so she picks out a salmon colored shirt, Joe rubs his li’l belly in approval.  He tucks the shirt in half way and then straps on his gangsta chain with the cross on it.  They meet at Portofino’s to hash things out, and they order some wine because family feuds should always be settled over alcohol.  Joe takes out the letter from Teresa and prepares to put her on blast.  He reads the part where she wrote that she is sorry for hurting him and his family and he asks her what she means by that.  This conversation goes nowhere fast so we will quickly recap:

you tell me…no I’m not telling you, you tell me

no, uh like uh…crickets as the wine is poured by the waiter

I’m your brother, neglecting, don’t make face…I’m not, I’m not

the christening, did you see what happened, if it were your party, disgusting animals, way back with your husband, relationship, loved each other, beautiful home, you’re causing friction…

Sidebar:  We learn a valuable piece of information here.  Joe met Melissa in Cancun and then again at the Jersey Shore.  He promised Melissa the world.  Teresa reveals that Joe met Melissa right after he broke up with his fiancée, then got engaged to someone else, and then a month before the wedding it was called off.  Then he started dating Melissa in October and she moved in with Joe in December and married in August.  There could be a few things happening here, maybe they don’t take Joe and Melissa seriously since Joe changes fiancées like he changes socks.  Maybe Teresa is just so infuriated by the fact that he was engaged so many times.  That did throw her over the edge with Danielle in season 1.  “Prostitution whooooore…engaged 18 times!”…annnnnd table flip…annnnnd scene!

Okay. Back to the recap: 

You put a wedge in between…No you put a wedge in between

You’re fake!…I’m fake?

You’re lost honey!

Now you put Kathy against me?

We learn that Teresa and Kathy were once close, like sisters.  We are treated to a picture of Kathy in her youth.  All I can say is what the holy hot ass rats nest is on her head?  Any rat living in Kathy’s hair must have died on her head from the combination of toxic hairspray and spray tan fumes.  And someone had their makeup gun set to whoooooooahh that day.

Back to the conversation that is going nowhere fast:

You need to sit there and say you F*cked up, I’m your GD brother!

You didn’t congratulate me on my book…You didn’t invite me!

It’s on Facebook…I don’t have Facebook!

Your wife does…Ah, fuhgeddabout my wife, I don’t get on the internet (i.e., he is not allowed on the internet)

I gotta get invited…You don’t get invited to a book signing

I don’t know, anybody in our family ever wrodda book?

Teresa’s mouth is moving, no words coming out

You don’t call my kids…Yes I do!

You never seen them, don’t it suck…Yes, it sucks!

My wife evil?…You know I tried, married, changed, ignored phone calls

You wanna know why, you tell it as it is, hurt feelings, cookies in the garbage

You know what she wrote, re-done home…Re-done home.

She has list (as Joe holds up wine list)…You push buttons, I push back

Both flashy, competitive, you’re in mommy and daddy’s ear every day

My wife whore and I marry whore, grandkids, phone every day

I just want everybody to be normal

She’s cold person…She’s not bad person

She pushed away, I got away

How can we make better…Whatever, I don’t wanna talk anymore

Teresa getting emotional, mom and daddy, it takes two

You are my sister, call my wife, work it out, I have a headache, let’s go.

They leave and all of the tables and chairs at Portofino’s remain in tact.  However, the question remains, what in the actual f*ck are they fighting about?  I can’t answer that and I can’t really do this scene justice.  In case you missed it, below is a link to the Bravo mashup of this discussion.  It’s worth watching.

http://www.bravotv.com/watch-what-happens-live/season-4/videos/the-reason-behind-the-gorga-feud

Kathy and Richie go over to the Gorga Family Accountant’s house for dinner, the Hiza’s.  Joe and Melissa arrive and Melissa is so upset over Joe and Teresa, but Joe says things went okay with Teresa, but he doubts her sincerity.  Joe asked her to speak to Melissa and she is open to it.  Melissa is claiming that she will wipe the slate clean and walk away, but then in the same sentence she says that once everything is “fine and dandy” she is going to talk to Teresa about Kathy and how she crossed the line.  I don’t get this approach, so you will make it fine and dandy with the two of you and then pick a fight on Kathy’s behalf?  Hooker, puh-leeeze.  Kathy encourages her to fight her own battle and that’s it.  Teresa and Kathy will hash it out.  Melissa asks Mrs. Hiza if she knows Teresa and she says “she was invited to our daughter’s birthday party and never RSVP’d, she’s just rude.”  Now they start trash talking the Giudice’s and their financial issues.

Carolyn and Albert are preparing for their day.  I kinda like their bathroom set up, they both have a vanity and mirror back to back to one another, so they can talk to each other and look at each other without turning around.  Albert encourages her and she heads off to the station with Lauren.  Lauren says Caroline will be great “she is loving and sweet, but she’ll tell you to go F’ yourself and then smile in your face.”

Jacqueline visits Teresa and they talk about the Teresa/Joe Fista-Cuffs Face-Off.  Teresa reveals that Melissa stated she married for money.  She thinks she’s a gold-digger, “y’know like dat song”.  Joe calls Teresa about what is in the news regarding the Giudice financial situation, Jacqueline says Tre is in the middle of a shit-storm, but is in denial.  Teresa resumes her talk about sister in laws and we re-visit the Jacqueline/Caroline feud when Jacqueline punched Caroline square in the jaw.  Jacqueline offers Teresa her house for a neutral meeting place, Melissa agrees to meet and the stage is set.

Caroline is still nervous about the radio show as she prepares to take to the air.  She is a bit shaky at first, but she gets her radio legs quickly.  Her topic for the show is “Family Feuds”, how apropos.  By the end of the show, Caroline is right at home rockin’ da mic.

Kathy is listening to the radio show while she folds laundry and compliments Caroline on her skills and says she has a lot of respect for her.  Translation:  Kathy is scared shitless of Caroline.

Caroline emerges from the studio and gets hugs all around.  She has headphone hair, but she did great and they are all proud of her.

Meanwhile, back at creepy town (a.k.a., the Gorga’s), Kathy arrives in a goofy hat and she looks like Michael Jackson from behind.  Melissa, Kathy, and Lysa need to have a meeting of the mind to discuss Melissa being thrown to the wolves by meeting Teresa at Jacqueline’s.

Jacqueline and Caroline are having coffee and Teresa is on the way.  Jacqueline brings Caroline up to speed and tells her Teresa and Melissa are meeting at her house shortly.  Carolyn looks alarmed and realizes she needs to make a quick getaway.  She says Jacqueline has a higher tolerance for people than she does.  Teresa and Melissa are both guilty of trying to one-up each other.  Jacqueline offers Teresa coffee and a sedative.  Teresa invites them to the Catskills for the weekend without kids.  Caroline will go as long as there is a couch and running water.  Caroline then re-focuses on the issue at hand and tells Tre to put her big girl panties on and make it right with Melissa.  Teresa looks like she has already taken a sedative or a handful.

Jacqueline is ready for a bailey’s and she feels like she is going to have diarrhea.  Teresa says she is “calm and cool as a whistle.”  That’s right Tre, If you can’t take the heat, get out of the oven.  You can’t lead a dead horse to water.  I’m sure she doesn’t want to be a pawn in a game of checkers, but sometimes you have to shoot from the seat of your pants.  Ignorance is golden people. Ignorance is golden.  What a goofball she is, the nut didn’t fall far from that tree.

Melissa arrives and says to Jacqueline “I brought you a glass of wine”, but she has a bottle of wine.  Now we know that to Melissa, a bottle is probably a glass, and she would like to drink it right about now.  Jacqueline hopes they can hug it out and end the family drama.  Teresa starts the talks and it doesn’t begin well.  Melissa is a little combative and it’s going to go down the money road, which is never good.  Next week they will finish the hash out and then Teresa and the gang go to the Catskills to play with guns.  Until then…

Bedazzled and Frazzled

We start by visiting the Gorga’s, Joe is so tired from an exhausting day at work.  You know Joe works hard, he’s got that admirable “work ethnic.”  Antonia is playing around with him and pounding on his chest.  Melissa says “Antonia, don’t get fresh!”  Well, I wonder where she would get that.  Geez Joe is “getting fresh” every chance he gets.  Melissa wanders into the closet and starts singing “Amazing Grace”, then she sings “that saved a wench like me…”  I about shit.  Oy vey… she sure has a promising singing career ahead of her.  Just what we need, another housewife with a single and one that can’t remember the words to Amazing Grace.  Maybe she can incorporate that lyric into her modernization of the song.  Melissa Gorga is to “Amazing Grace” what Kim Zolciak is to “Tardy for the Party”.

These people have such a command of the English language.  Where o’ where does Andy Cohen find these f*cktards?  It was quite humorous on the Real Housewives of Orange County reunion tonight…Tamra Barney keeps saying “decease and sist letter”.  But I digress…

Joe says, “You sounds like you comin’ out of a radio!”  No Joe, she sounds like she comin’ outta the closet!  He thinks she is going to be a superstar.  I think Joe needs to be more concerned about his manscaping, he needs an eyebrow wax like nobody’s bidness.  He says he wants to be Melissa’s “father” and help her pursue her dream.

Caroline and Albert go golfing, Caroline loves golf about as much as I do.  It couldn’t be any more excruciating.  Oh wait, Caroline is just watching Albert golf that is actually more excruciating than playing.  Albert thinks Caroline may need grandchildren to occupy her time, she is taking the “empty nest” syndrome pretty hard.  Albert suggests she utilize her talent for giving family and parenting advice.  Hmm…could it be “The Bottom Line, with Caroline Manzo” show?

Jacqueline is sitting down for a relaxing cup o’ tea and here comes Ashley, the walkin’ calamity with her hobo knit cap on.  What is it with these Jersey peeps and the knit caps?  Chris springs the news on Jacqueline that he is getting Ashley a new car and Jacqueline will need to co-sign.  Jacqueline is none too pleased, nor should she be.  Ashley says that since she isn’t in and out of rehab, she deserves it.  Well Newsflash Ashley, there is no rehab for stupidity.

At the Giudice household, Joe left a message for Teresa.  She listens to it with the girls in the bedroom with Juicy snoozing by her side.  G to the ia starts crying at the thought that Joe and her mom may make up and says that “it was nice”.  Kinda funny, the guy acts like a total douche nozzle, but he leaves a voice mail and he is the bees knees.  Juicy is disturbed out of his slumber and is clearly annoyed.  Teresa calls back and gets Joe’s voice mail, which she says is always full.  Of course, we all know Joe is just avoiding her.

Kathy and Richie sit down with Joseph and Victoria to go over their “contracts.”  Apparently, the kids have to draw up contracts based on their parents’ expectations and what they will live up to, specifically with regard to drugs and alcohol.  They go upstairs to type their contracts, and as they go, there is a huge poster size picture of Victoria in a cowboy hat by the stairs.  Not only is that bizarre, but you would think she would be embarrassed by that.  Most teenagers do not want life size posters of themselves in the entryway to their parents’ home.

They return with their contracts and Victoria’s is written well, she tells them what they want to hear.  Joseph is bored to tears and he attempts to throw around a bunch of $5 words and its all horse shit.  He basically tells the ‘rents that he is going to wanna have a drink on a Friday or Saturday night, much to Kathy’s chagrin.  He’s 14 and he is saying this in his Benson-n-Hedges voice like he is a member of the Rat Pack.  Joseph says he will not be a “goody two shoe” and Richie appreciates his honesty.  Again, these wizards and their command of the language.  He tells Joseph he should have a drink with him if he wants to try it.  Kathy seems fine with that, says she doesn’t want to be head of household, but be the neck.  The head doesn’t move without neck.  So I guess that means she is wearing the camel toe pants in this family, but allows Richie have the illusion of control.  Richie tells Joseph, sure, it’s bad for you and illegal, but let me know if you wanna try it!  Although, Richie will be too busy to get hammered with his kid, he will be opening hate mail from angry mothers across America for the next month.

Melissa goes out with her sisters to shop ‘til they drop.  Melissa has a coat fetish and the boutique owner wants to give Melissa the chinchilla coat because she spends so much in the store.  Teresa says Melissa “knows how to get what she wants”, she doesn’t know any other way to f*ckin’ spell it out.  It would appear that Melissa is with Joe for his money and the fact that he lets her spend, spend, spend, not work, and will fund her pop star career venture.  Melissa puts on a gold sparkly dress and reminisces about her toddlers-n-tiaras days.  Melissa is talking about Joe buying her a piano and all the ladies in the shop are gasping.  She said piano, not space ship.  These broads are gasping like she just revealed the cure for cancer.  Get a grip.  The ladies feign interest in Melissa’s singing career.  She is super serious about this, Kathy has already hooked her up with a song writer from church.  The sisters are ready to be backup dancers.  We’ve got a regular road show crew here.  Oh snap, Melissa puts the kibosh on that and says “you’re too old to be my backup dancers!”

G to the ia is talking to her uncle Joe and is all excited about the prospect of him attending her gymnastics meet.  Teresa tells him to come to the meet, but not without being combative first.  She just can’t help herself.  He thinks the meet is 2:30, Tre says 1:30 and G to the ia says 1:00.  Hmmmm…it doesn’t take a Philadelphia lawyer here to figure out that JOE WILL BE LATE!

Tre calls Jacqueline to update her while she frantically puts her makeup on in her GOLD bathroom.  The bathroom is over the top, just like Tre.  It looks like Liberace threw up in there.

Jacqueline and Chris take Ashley to the Jeep dealer to pick up the new wrangler.  Jacqueline is predicting this will turn into an “I told you so” moment.  She is a bit envious of the new car they have picked out, but she is willing to go along with it because she knows eventually it will be hers.  There is no way Eeyore is holding up her end of the bargain.  They are waiting to sign the papers and Chris suggests that they keep one of the keys so he can be the repo man.  Ashley flies into a tail spin and Chris says he is taking the car to get coffee after they leave.  Ashley is so pissed off that she would rather leave then allow Chris to do this.  Somebody throw some mood stabilizers at this ungrateful bitch.

Kathy is making hot wings and the kids are poking around in the kitchen.  Victoria is trying to convince Joseph to talk to his friends and support her cause, Brain Awareness Month.  Apparently little Victoria had a brain tumor the size of a tennis ball when she was 10 and underwent brain surgery.  Kathy reminisces about how Teresa and Joe were there for them, but how it seems like such a long time ago.  Joseph is trepidacious about Victoria’s club because it’s too feminine for him and his friends.  Besides, Joseph is too busy, he has Benson-n-Hedges to smoke and drinks to have with dad.  Kathy says she hopes they stay close “you don’t spit in the wind, it could come back in your face.”  Victoria and Joseph talk about staying close and having each other’s backs.  Joseph says he basically won’t need her to save his ass, he will take a shower when he is in trouble because his parents can’t bother him when he’s in the shower.  Solid strategy Joseph, solid.  They discuss writing a contract to agree to stay close.  Is this similar to the “friend contract” that caused such an uproar on the Housewives of Atlanta between Cynthia and Nene?!?!?

Melissa is rehearsing her new song that she sent to the songwriter.  She fed him a zillion text messages with every flighty thought she had and he made a song out of it.  It’s sur 2 b a hit.  Too bad the song sucks and he can’t play the piano.

The North Stars Gymnastics meet is in full swing.  Teresa won’t stop talking about the fact that G to the ia is “too excited.”  The girls are all dressed in puffy gold lame vests.  G to the ia maneuvers the uneven parallel bars like a champ.  She is trying to ask Tre if Joe is there, but he is not so she becomes disappointed and is totally thrown off her game.  She can’t do the vault, and her confidence is deflating faster than the Hindenburg.  Juicy actually could not look more bored if he tried.  He can’t wait to get out of there and go back to bed with his binky.

Meanwhile, back at the Wakile’s, Kathy is telling Jospeh to pull up his pants.  Richie thinks Kathy should leave him alone and let him enjoy his youth.  Ummm…okay Richie, so having your pants hang down around your ass like a dipshit is enjoying your youth?  That’s a new one.  Joseph is pulling his camel colored corduroys up so high he is on the verge of having a mini-moose knuckle.  Kathy threatens him with an atomic wedgie.  There is also something odd about their kitchen, they have an empty coca-cola fridge under the counter and when Kathy walks out, it looks like she passes by a popcorn machine.  It’s like a concession stand.

Caroline is driving to Trenton, NJ and calls Jacqueline to chat.  They quickly update one another on the latest drama.  Caroline is heading to a radio station to discuss an opportunity to give advice on the airwaves and she is nervous.  Caroline compliments the man at the station on his pretty blue eyes, flattery will get you everywhere.  The producers seem impressed with her answer about the spouses friending exes on Facebook question.  She hopes to parlay her life experience into somewhat of a career.  You know she will get this gig, this little po-dunk station would be foolish to turn her down.

Melissa is driving Joe and Antonia to the gymnastics meet.  Meanwhile G to the ia has fallen off the balance beam during her cartwheel.  Juicy is irritated and looks like he has indigestion.  Once again, Joe and Melissa are sporting their cat burglar caps.  G to the ia is upset that Joe is a no-show.  They finally make their way into the audience and Juicy makes a remark about how Antonia never says hello to him.  Jezus Juicy, you have a grudge against the toddler?!?!  Teresa is like a dog with a bone and will not let up about them being late.  Now they are scrapping about what time they were told, blah blah blah.  Well you better believe Melissa has ammunition in her back pocket, because Teresa was late to her son’s birthday party, yada yada yada!  I swear these two must keep score cards.

G to the ia takes 7th place and the meet is over.  They are saying goodbye and tensions are high.  The little girls all want to hang out and play, but because all of their parents are total chach-bags, they cannot.  Melissa feels so empty in her bedazzled knit cap.  Probably because she IS EMPTY.  G to the ia explains that she crapped out on the vault because her uncle Joe wasn’t there.  Way to lay on the guilt trip G…well played.  Joe and Tre talk about meeting at Portofino’s to talk and Joe will text her with the address.  Tre and Melissa exchange a fake kiss.  Joe’s mom gives him a bag of stuff for the girls and he is squawking with her about why she won’t give the stuff to the girls herself.  This is definitely a family torn.

Melissa and Joe have a sit down and she is upset because she is being blamed for causing the family rift.  She said she is willing to take everyone’s shit for Joe’s sake.  Well, well, well, how the worm turns.  Melissa went from peace maker last week to “I will take your family’s shit to make you happy Joe.”  Of course, now Joe is going to do a 180 and he is back on the defensive against his family.  Just when he was making strides.  Now Joe says he didn’t answer Teresa’s call on purpose, because she is wrong and she needs to apologize.  This is going nowhere fast and it’s going off the rails like a runaway freight train.  Next week looks like a knock-down drag-out double-header, Tre vs. Joe and Tre vs. Melissa.  See you next week for the clusterf*ck of epic proportions!

Oh For the Love of Pignoli Cookies!

Joe and Melissa are shopping for Thanksgiving and Joe is admiring the butt steak a bit too much.  He’s behaving worse than a two year old in the supermarket, he keeps putting shit they don’t need in the cart.  I think Melissa has her hands full with Joe, let alone the kids.

Juicy and Tre are off to get a live turkey and she is freaking out about killing a bird for their dinner.  She misses her exit and now they are stuck in traffic.  Meanwhile, clammy Kathy is making clam cakes.  She has no formal training in the kitchen, no shit.  She is making a zillion desserts and we hear her son Joseph speaking in the background, in his Benson and Hedges voice, asking if anyone wants to lick the bowl.  I guess he likes to smoke a few while he plays with his knives.  They are making Tiramisu and Joseph has his grubby fingers all over the lady fingers.  Kathy burns her cookies because her confrontation with Caroline has thrown her for a loop, she is way off kilter.  Kathy is stressing out and Richie says he knows where Teresa gets her attitude.  Well played Richie, well played.  You will be sleeping on the couch for a week.

Juicy and Tre are still lost, Juicy is calls her a “friggin’ ditz just drivin’ around all over the place.”  They arrive at the poultry farm where they can meet the meat they eat.  Now that’s a marketing concept.  Too bad the name of the farm “Road Poultry” doesn’t sound too appetizing.  Tre doesn’t understand how they can say the turkeys don’t know what is about to happen to them, how can these farmers get into the mind of a turkey?  Deep Thoughts…with Teresa Giudice… Juicy asks for a turkey that is already dead because they felt too guilty.  The turkey costs $45.00 and there is some awkwardness at the cash register.  I guess Juicy thought the turkey was a bit high.

Caroline and Albert are on their way with Lauren to meet Vito’s parents.  Rather than meet at their home, they meet at the Little Italy Deli.  I take it Vito’s family owns the place.  Anyway, it’s like a meaty meet and greet.  They meet, eat meat, and greet.  It’s great!  Albert is excited about the prosciutto ballz.  The girls are hob-nobbing and Albert is busy texting on his crackberry.  Lauren gets behind the deli counter to get her hands on the meat and Vito shows her how to use the slicer.  Albert keeps talking about poor people, rich people, blah blah blah.  Open mouth, insert foot.  He actually puts Vito down by saying he graduated from Fordham and now he slices mortadella.  Bad move Albert…bad move.  The women look peeved, something tells me this ain’t the end of this.

Let’s check in with Boyz II Manzo’s…Christopher is lying on the couch, Albie is mad that Chris is wearing his jeans.  Albie bottom lines it:  “It’s not rocket science, just stop wearin’ my shit.”  Greg is cleaning the toilet by spraying Lysol in it.  Ashley stops by and she hugs Albie and her brokedown weave gets stuck in his facial hair.  Christopher is shocked that they hug when they see each other.  Ashley says they were all very close and she shared a room with Lauren and Christopher when they stayed at Caroline’s after first moving to New Jersey.  Interesting, I did not know they all lived together at one time.  Anyhoo…Ashley is whining to the Boyz II Manzo’s about her commute from Jersey to Manhattan to work and Albie gives her a reality check.  She is barking up the wrong tree if she if she is attempting to garner any sympathy.  Albie tells her she has to work hard and show her parents some appreciation and respect.  Greg and Delores the dog sit and smirk in their pink hoodies while they watch Ashley start to tear up.  Ashley says “oh I’m PMS-ing.”  I guess the PMS must stand for Pretty Much Sulking.  I swear, this girl has the personality of an old damp tent.

Jacqueline is suspicious because Ashley is behaving and she asks her what she wants.  Ashley gives them a song and dance about how she is improving herself.  We come to find out that ultimately, Ashley wants to be Carrie Bradshaw, which proves this twit has no grip on reality.  First of all, Carrie Bradshaw had a job.  Even if Ashley could handle commuting to work, she will never be able to afford the spacious rent controlled apartment, the designer clothes, $40K worth of Manolo Blahniks, and 8 martinis at Bungalow 8.

It’s the day of Teresa’s “Friends-giving” and she still has not heard from Joe since she delivered the letter.  Teresa is dressing up the tables so nicely, too bad she will probably flip them before the day is out.  The girls are fighting, pulling each other’s hair and Juicy is sound asleep.

Melissa and her sisters are preparing dinner in their leopard outfits and Melissa is wearing a mink apron.  Hooker, puh-leeeze!  The guys are already doing shots of tequila.  It’s always a great idea to get juked up at a holiday gathering of Italian hot-heads.  Kathy’s desserts are OTT (over the top), but gee…I don’t think she made enough!  Kathy got some mad skills, like da’ Cake Boss or some shit.  Joe has a surprise for Melissa and he rallies everyone out in front.  Low and behold, he has a friggin’ mechanical bull.  He is riding the bull and says “now I know what my wife feels like”.  Richie climbs aboard and puts on an S&M mask and gets thrown off in 1/16th of a second.  Kathy saddles up and Richie tells the bull operator “that’s my wife right there, I’ll bust your ass mother f*cker.”  These people exhibit such decorum, I can’t stand it.  Joe carries Melissa up to the bull and gets on with her and starts riding it provocatively.  Melissa says anytime she does anything where she has a little bit of contact with Joe, it becomes sexual.  I am beginning to think she’s just not that into him.  Can’t say that I blame her, he is a disgusting schvetty warthog of epic proportion.

The Manzo’s arrive at Teresa’s and they couldn’t look more somber.  The others arrive and something seems a bit off about this gathering, like they are all uneasy or maybe just not in the mood for more of Teresa’s hyperbolic re-hashing.  Teresa yammers on about them being her family and she becomes a little veklempt.  Caroline knows they are going through tough times, but they are all there for them.  Heck Jacqueline even brought sprinkle cookies!  They talk about the turkey farm and Juicy says it was the “most disgustingest thing ever” and he had turkey poop in his throat.  Albert understands the bonding with the bird.  I love how Juicy and Tre just make up words.

Back at the Gorga ranch, it’s like livin’ in a pinball machine.  They prepare for their first course and Melissa says grace after she helps Joe into his high chair.  Joe keeps saying “that was beautiful” and keeps kissing Melissa.  Anything to get his hands on her.  It’s nice that he adores her, but enough with the PDA already.  The guests are all raving about the sauce.  Richie suggests that Joe call Teresa and invite them over for dessert.  Lord knows they have enough of it.  Heck maybe they can get Juicy and Joe on the bull and they can kiss and make up.

Meanwhile…Teresa is yelling at Gabriella for slapping her sister in the face.  It’s a full blown tantrum.  The dinner table talk is on Lauren and Vito getting married, then Ashley is texting her pimp and gets to steppin’.

Joe is still talking about Teresa and Kathy is crying at the thought of her children fighting.  C’mon Kathy, get it together.  Your kids are great, they will always love each other, if little Joey doesn’t pull a knife on his sister!

Back at the Giudice table, Juicy is talking about Joe and everyone looks uncomfortable.  Teresa flashes back to her housewarming party where her brother attended and she produces a card in which Melissa wrote “congratulations on your re-done home.”  So it was a cheap pot shot by saying “re-done” home.  Teresa in turn, took a pot shot at Melissa about bringing sprinkle cookies to her home, she said she hated them, “where did you get them?  The damn A & P” and promptly threw them in the garbage.  Melissa is outraged because how dare Teresa throw a pregnant woman’s sprinkle cookies away.  That was Teresa’s way of getting back at her and Teresa hates sprinkle cookies, she only likes pignoli cookies.  Juicy hates pignoli cookies, he hates any peanuts in anything.  Good to know Juice man, good to know.  Well good thing pignoli cookies don’t contain peanuts, you ass-hat!  Jacqueline looks like she wants to punch Teresa in the throat with an open fist.  She brought a tray full of sprinkle cookies and in this moment she realizes that Teresa probably threw them out.  Oh these bitches and their barbs.

Jezzuz ladies, can we use our indoor irrational skank voices?!?!?!  Guess what, time for CMVOR (Caroline Manzo, Voice of Reason) The BL is, this isn’t about the damn cookies or the damn card, Teresa needs to fix it.  Enough with all this foofaraw!  Jacqueline’s hubby, Chris, suggests Teresa take the high road.  Everyone is giving her sound advice, but Teresa says the ball is in Joe’s court.  If Teresa could just shut her pignoli hole and calm her hyper-hyena ass down, maybe she could benefit from what they are saying.

Meanwhile, Joe’s friends are giving him advice as well.  Melissa is showing a modicum of decency and is being very supportive.  Joe actually stops being a total chach-bag for one minute and commits to calling Teresa to talk.  Ahh…happy thanksgiving, they are all feeling the love at the table, but not for the sprinkle cookies!

Out of Their Gorgas

 

Kathy and Richie sit down to eat a bowl o’ soup and Richie is slurping his soup in a way that would make a woman kill him in his sleep.  Kathy is whining, Richie is consoling her through his thick framed glasses.  Kathy makes a comment about Teresa and how “you only get one chance to make a first impression, and Teresa blew that outta the water.”  Exsqueeze me?  Baking powder?  I thought she was her first cousin, so why Teresa would be making a first impression to Kathy is beyond my comprehension.  It just goes to show you how brain dead these meat puppets are.  Richie has a brilliant idea and he encourages Kathy to approach Caroline one on one.  Into the lions den we go…

Teresa is at a photo shoot for her new cookbook, “Fabulicious”.  Thank God Teresa explained how she came up with that name.  I never would have figured out that it’s the words “Fabulous” and “Delicious” combined.  She starts out by critiquing the photos, my chicken drummies are “more browner”, we need more parsley on this, Juicy Joe’s meatballs need more sauce.  I mean who eats a meatball without sauce!  Blasphemy, I tell you.  The chef cooking her recipes could not look more annoyed.  Teresa then hob nobs with two of the photo shoot lackeys about “ingredientsces.”  I won’t even go into how she mis-pronounces “Cumin.”  The lackeys laugh at her, not with her.  Tune in next week when Teresa splits the atom and teaches Japanese to a bunch of Portuguese immigrants that speak Spanish as their first language.

Melissa and Joe are going to sit down to a family dinner.  Joe is mad at Melissa because she has been too tired to put out for him.  He speaks of “all this poison” in his body.  Oy vey…Melissa is annoyed, thinks Joe must have his man-pon on backwards.  She rehashes the antics at the Posche post-fashion show.  This is going to turn into a full-blown stand off.

Meanwhile, at the witchcraft store, Jacqueline goes to see a psychic advisor.  She was “very skeptic” at first, but now she is a beweaver.  The advisor is concerned about Ashley, says she has constant PMS.  Whoa, this lady is incredible!  There is negativity surrounding Teresa, she is in desperate need of a sage.  Sage or cumin?  Maybe Teresa needs to throw some parsley around her house, or she may need therapy, or more sauce on her Juicy meat ballz.  The advisor directs Jacqueline to be calm and loving toward Teresa.  Well that should be easy enough, Jacqueline is a good friend, she can listen to Teresa beat the dead-beat brother horse to death.

It’s moving day for the Manzo boys and Aunt Jacqueline gave them a couch and a stripper pole.  Just what Albie and Christopher need, umm…for their curious friend Greg.  Greg and his dog Delores are the first guests, oh wait, they are not guests, but they are roommates.  Yes, Greg and Delores the dog in her pink hoodie, are moving in and Christopher explains that Greg is their mister, (man-sister, like their sister Lauren, but with a beard).  They celebrate with pizza and champagne in Dixie cups.  Lauren feels unappreciated and says she and her boyfriend Vito will get engaged and she will move in with him before getting married so she can first see if he does a bunch of things that will make her hate him.  Newsflash:  They don’t need to play house, he WILL do things that will make her hate him.  Albie echoes the sentiment and explains that Vito eats potato chips off of his bare stomach.  Lauren is appalled.  We interrupt this program to bring you an important message from “The Bottom Line, with Caroline Manzo…“c’mon…you’re brothers and sister, you will always be there for each other, and if you aren’t there for each other, I will kill you.”

Ashley is on the phone with her half brother and Jacqueline is re-hashing her checkered past with her father and she asks him about her karma.  We find out about Jacqueline’s tumultuous marriage and raising Ashley at a young age.  Ashley feels lost between her two families and struggling with coming from a broken family.  Jacqueline feels sad, meanwhile Ashley is making a drug deal on her cell phone.

Kathy pays a visit to Caroline and presents her with a big-ass bouquet of flowers and a half-assed apology, while wearing her torn-ass 80’s, acid wash jeans.  Caroline looks like she couldn’t possibly care less and she confirms this by saying “I don’t care!”  Kathy looks like a stunned mouse in a Dixie cup.  I wish Caroline would stop beating around the bush!

Once again, we have Caroline’s bottom line (hereinafter referred to as the CBL), Kathy threw down some fightin’ words, Kathy started shit in Caroline’s ‘house’ and she wants no part of it.  It’s between Joe and Theresa.  Why is Caroline the only one on this show with an ounce of GD sense?

Little Joey and Littler Joey come in to the bathroom in their matching baby blue velour track suits.  Joe calls Melissa a MILF and asks if he is going to get a bath later.  Their daughter, Antonia, has been “blocking” and Joe leaves the bathroom saying he is “ready to rock and roll, tonight’s the night.”  Later he is pawing Melissa in the closet and says he only “needs five minutes.”  Joe, puh-leeeze, this is not something to brag about!  He then compares his need for the five minutes to having a zit on his forehead and the relief and gratification he would get from popping it, having it shoot across the room, and releasing the poison in his body.  Gee…he’s so appealing, how can Melissa be too tired for some quality time with him?

Kathy and Richie are making dinner and he calls a family meeting.  He has a brand new white Mercedes for Kathy in the driveway.  He’s disgusted by how Kathy has been treated, so she gets a brand new car.  She clarifies that Richie is “taking care” of her, not spoiling her, because spoiled has a bad connotation, like spoiled meat.

Caroline and Teresa go shopping, Caroline is rockin’ a slicked back do that doesn’t really become her.  Teresa brags about how she worked for Macy’s, now she’s an author.  She re-re-hashes with anyone who will listen, again.  Caroline is telling Teresa about Kathy’s half-assed visit.  Teresa won’t shut up and Caroline, once again, puts the kibosh on that.  Teresa yammers on, cruisin’ for a bitch slap of epic proportion.

Caroline, clearly annoyed, suggests Teresa shut her damn pie hole and write a letter.  We have a regular Dr. Phil session going on in the fashion boutique.  Later, Jacqueline is going to help Teresa write the letter, she opens the wine first, good thinking.  Teresa reads the draft of her letter from her blackberry hand-held.  Jacqueline has already finished her half-gallon of wine and mentions that Teresa did not mention Melissa in the letter.  They argue about the letter, clearly Teresa would rather be right than be happy.  Teresa forgives Joe and Melissa for being “stupid”.  I am sure Joe and Melissa will take kindly to that.

Jacqueline is ready to lose it, Teresa won’t listen, hours pass, Teresa runs out of paper, Jacqueline’s 2-year old son has learned to bake cookies by himself and he has made a pot of coffee.  Teresa and Jacqueline go for a ride to deliver the letter, Teresa rants in the car, she has learned nothing.  Joe and Melissa are running two miles, they arrive home to find the letter.  Joe makes Melissa read it to him.  I think this is a guise, I bet Joe can’t read.  Melissa actually musters up some decency and encourages Joe to speak to Teresa.  The only way Joe will ever agree to be Teresa’s BFF is if she becomes Teresa Gorga again.  The way I see it, they are both out of their Gorgas!

Hell-o-Ween

It’s Helloween and the “Old School Housewives” (Caroline, Jacqueline, and Teresa) gather together to carve pumpkins.  Teresa tells G to the ia she’s doing a great job carving her pumpkin.  By the look G’s face as she wields that carving tool, I would say Teresa and Juicy better keep the kid on lockdown and away from Kathy’s son, Joey, who likes to lay on the bed with knives.  These two might cut each other up!

“It’s cold, it’s nasty, it’s slippery…” No, that’s not Caroline talking about the Dude named Danielle, but the inside of a pumpkin.

Teresa rehashes the christening brawl.  She claims the success of her cookbook drove her brother and sister in law away.  We are treated to clips from the brawl.  Teresa must hand off the baby to Juicy for changing because she is “in the middle of a deep convefrsation.”  Well Juicy is in the midst of his rehash and doesn’t really want to be bothered.  As Juicy recounts, he says “this little fidgets like, comin’ at me.”  Teresa is back with the ladies and Caroline reminds everyone that the Posche fashion show is coming up, what are they gonna do?  Caroline bottom lines it and implies that Teresa needs to fix it!  Theresa disagrees…she’s the matriarch of their family and she don’t need no stinkin’ advice!

Clammy Kathy and Jeff Goldblum invite Melissa and Joe for dinner and they are both dressed in their black cat burglar caps.  Now they rehash the brawl, Joe had a couple of drinks in him at the christening, he gave Teresa “the eyes”, she should have known better.  Kathy talks about the “Gorga Switch”, Joe and Theresa have it, they just snap.  I have to say that Joe was totally out of line and I an on team Teresa on this one, and I don’t really even agree with her behavior most of the time.  Joe is getting all worked up and Richie thinks it’s kinda funny, he tells Joe to breathe.  Joe looks like he has been dropped on his head too many times.  Richie suggests Joe have lunch with Teresa, Melissa brings up the fashion show.  Hmm…maybe the Posche fashion show will bring peace?  Not likely.

Melissa and Kathy go to Posche to check out the fashions they will wear for the show.  That freakin’ Kim G. housewive wanna be shows up and starts trash talkn’ Teresa, says she has a “fat, crooked ass.”  Dammmmmnnnn, she a strait up G!

It’s Helloween and Teresa dresses up as her own self-contrived super hero Super T.  G to the ia says “you’re embarrassing.”  Out of the mouths of babes!

Melissa pours herself into a Catwoman costume and Joe dresses up like Snooki from the “Jersey Shore”.  Joe is wriggling into his Snooki dress and I have to say watching him walk around in a gold lame halter dress and high heels just made this show worth watching.  Melissa thinks he looks “hot”, but she’s not attracted to him as a woman.  Uhhh…Melissa, NEWSFLASH, it’s Halloween, you’re not supposed to be attracted to your poly-pocket husband in drag!

Kathy is dressed like a tranny fresh off of an Indian reservation.  She says that Joe looks like Teresa, “like a train wreck that you can’t look away from.”  The Kim’s show up at Melissa’s house and they are dressed like half hookers, or some bat shit crazy clothing they would wear to a ladies lunch on a Sunday.  The gang piles on a party bus and goes to a club to drink and dance.  Joe is pullin’ a Jersey turnpike on the dance floor and the girls are pre-gossiping about the Posche fashion show.

Meanwhile, back at the Brownstone, Albert and Caroline set up for the big event and Caroline wants to sit near the door so she can make a quick escape.  Teresa goes to Jacqueline’s to pre-party over prosciutto and champagne before the fashion show.  It’s always a good idea to get liquored up before any potentially confrontational situation.  Jacqueline admires Theresa’s ass as her Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, Santino, looks on.  The dynamic duo prepare for confrontation with Melissa and mull over various scenarios.  Jacqueline points out that when Teresa says “hello” the shit hits the fan.  Bottom line:  Teresa’s screwed.

Melissa and Kathy pre-gossip about the fashion show as well.  Kathy has Teresa’s M.O., she is going to “act normal” as if nothing happened.  Melissa wants an apology, but the people in hell want ice water too.  Meanwhile, Theresa is talking about pie fitting together.  There will be no pie Teresa, the three of them are gonna come to blows.

Jacqueline is getting good and drunk and you can tell she wants nothing to do with this impending fiasco.  Well whadda ya’ know, Teresa comes to the fashion show and “acts normal.”  Melissa knew she would do this and act like they didn’t just have an “explosive christening” that Juicy could not be part of due to his “explosive diarrhea”.  Teresa is not fazed.

The girls all take their seats and proceed to give each other the stink eyes.  Now Kim G. must be constipated ‘cuz now she is trying to start shit.  Caroline says that Kim G. is only a few years older than her, so the Kim’s on these shows must lie about their ages.  Kim G. is aging about as well as Kim Zolciak from Atlanta, who claims she is only 30.  DREAM ON!

Jacqueline walks the runway and she looks uncomfortable.  She puts her hands out like “okay, here I am, WTF?”  In contrast, our resident fame-seeking attention whore Melissa, struts her stuff like nobody’s bidness.  She must have attended the G to the ia Modeling Academy.  She rocked that shit so “explosively,” she got to walk the runway twice.

In the aftermath of the fashion show, Kathy approaches Teresa…WRONG MOVE.  She asks Teresa about the christening and in the process is riling her up.  Kathy is either a dumb-shit or she is constipated, and trying to start shit.  She knows about the “Gorga Switch” and she is flirting with disaster by accusing Teresa of leaving her daughter unattended.  Teresa becomes completely unglued and storms off, trying to garner witnesses to back her up and say she did not leave her child alone.  Caroline is trying to diffuse the situation.  You gotta love Caroline Manzo, the bitch don’t come to play.  She tells them “kill each other in your own homes, not here.”  Theresa says “Kathy knows what kind of mother I am, how dare she insult me!  Bitch, show some class.”  Well put Oxymoron T, well put.

Family Sucks

Now that American Idol has come to a close, I felt this void from lack of blogging, what better way to fill the void than with some good ol’ Real Houseweives of New Crazy Jersey!  Hope y’all enjoy…I know I am starting late, but here is the first episode, #2 and #3 to come shortly!

We are treated to a flashback of last season, we have taken out the papers and the trash, there is no more Dude named Danielle this season, but we have added Joe and Melissa Gorga, Teresa’s brother and sister in law.  What the heck let’s throw in Teresa’s first cousin Kathy and her chubby hubby Richie, who is a pedestrian version of Jeff Goldblum.

We start at the christening for little Giuseppe, Joe and Melissa’s baby.  Joe starts a nasty fight with Teresa after she mutters dem fightin’ words “Hello, just wanted to say congratulations”.  G to the ia is trying to drag Teresa away, while Joe lovingly calls Teresa garbage.  There is so much going on here, it’s insane in the membrane.  Joe goes batshit crazy and starts pounding on the table.  Okay, that’s the first three minutes.

I smell me some serious back-story here…We flash back to one week earlier, Joe 2.0 (Teresa’s husband, hereinafter we will utilize his nickname “Juicy”) there are too many Joes.  Teresa is hawking her cookbook, doing book signings at the little pizza parlor where Juicy is working.  Mama is bringin’ home da’ bacon.  Enter Jacqueline and Caroline to show their support.  Teresa’s family has dissed her.  Her “Real Housewives” family is all she has left.

Meanwhile, back in Hoboken, NJ, the Manzo boys are showing Caroline their new apartment.  Caroline breaks down over the 80’s bathroom.  She is a proud mama and Albie had a rough year and was rejected from law school.  Actually, I think Caroline is weeping because the Manzo sons will never realize their dream of opening a stripper car wash.

We find Jacqueline going to visit her daughter Ashley at her internship for none other than Lizzie Grubman.  The drunk-ass lunatic who ran over a bunch of people in the Hamptons years ago as she screamed “F*–You, White Trash!”  Sounds like a real role model to me.  Anyhoo, Ashley asks Jacqueline about moving to NYC so she won’t need to commute so far to her internship.  They start to get into this whole conversation in front of Lizzie and Ashley goes off the rails.  Lizzie gives Ash a pep talk and says Ashley is a carbon copy of her, but without the violence.  Wow…just wow.  Bravo sure can pick ‘em.

Jacqueline, Ash and her stepfather Chris have the same conversation over lunch.  Chris gives Jacqueline the “shush” and he offers to help Ashley by paying for her commuting costs.  Jacqueline’s ride is waiting for her outside…it’s a huff and she’s going to leave in it.  Chris then defends Jacqueline and tells Ashley she doesn’t give her the respect she should.  Love how the worm keeps a turnin’.

Okay, so back to the Teresa/Joe mishigas.  Teresa is in her plaid Kangol hat and she is longing for Melissa to be like a sister to her.  There’s just no support, blah blah blah.  Jacqueline offers her a token “this too shall pass.”  Then Teresa finally ponies up about the bankruptcy.  The Cavalier King Charles puppy Jacqueline is holding looks more interested in Teresa than Jacqueline does.

Okay, let’s get on to this cracky ass ho Melissa, she is lotioning up and asks Joe if he will apply her lotion.  He starts sucking on her toes and offers to rub lotion on her butt cheeks.  OY vey…Melissa is super mom, a cook in the kitchen, a lady in the paaaalor, and a ho in the bedroom.  In Jesus’ name…Amen.  Melissa rub-a-dub-dubs the three kids in the tub, as Joe wishes she would rub-a-dub him.

Melissa praises Joe’s “work ethnic.”  Joe praises Melissa, says she is his “hero.”  Well after Joe tells his son that cleaning up is “women’s work”, well Joe is my hero.  In his next life, he is coming back as a toilet brush.

Flash back-forward to Giuseppe’s christening.  He is the last baby Melissa will have and she needs to go out with a bang.  So many jokes, so little time.  Kathy comes by for lunch and Joe exhibits his Napoleon Complex.  He is a diminutive man, he’s pissed off that Jacqueline and Carolyn are Teresa’s new family.  Joe’s blood has done him wrong, Kathy says that Teresa told her that “family sucks.”

Kathy is back at home and she and Richie (Jeff Goldblum) are discussing dinner.  Rich wants clams, he wants to lock the doors, turn the lights down, and eat clams.  That’s some romance.  Rich is not Italian, he’s Lebanese, but Kathy’s parents accept him anyway.  Kathy rides her bike to the market to purchase the clams and places them in the basket.  MMMM…nuttin’like hot clams bakin’ in the bicycle basket.

Kathy catches her son Joseph on his bed, with knives.  He fights with his sister, Victoria, but then they make up and are best friends.  Because according to Kathy “that’s what family is all about.”

The Manzo’s are making the weekly Sunday family dinner.  They are trying to cook southern food and none of them have any clue what they are doing.  Caroline declares the Paula Dean is the only person from Arkansas that can make pasta.  Now there’s an idea, the Manzo’s should challenge Paula Dean to the “Ham Game.”  She makes the Manzo’s “Ham Game” look like child’s play.

Melissa is preparing for her son’s christening by sucking down some bubbly with her sisters.  Teresa and Juicy are trying to get ready, but the kids are being defiant and Juicy won’t put a shirt on and he has a case of the explosive diarrhea.  Theresa’s hair and makeup bitch is late and now there is a conspiracy theory that Melissa kept the makeup bitch too long to make Teresa run late.  C’mon Teresa, Melissa isn’t clever enough to hatch a scheme like that!  Juicy is nowhere near ready, he’s dicking around in the garage with a wheelbarrow.  He can’t go to the christening, he has to go to the batchroom.  This is mass chaos, now Theresa thinks she has the runs.

Melissa is baby talking, Joe says that his dad has pains in his heart.  He’s on a banana peel.  Now we get to the crux of the matter, Joe is bitter because his father like’s Juicy Joe better.  Baby Giuseppe awaits, Teresa hits the road, she keeps yelling at Juicy about his tummy.  Melissa is peeved to the nines that Juicy didn’t come and that G to the ia is at a gymnastics competition.  Meanwhile, Joe is gacked to the nines because he is double fisting Sambuca shots.  Juicy is now at the christening, but he turns down the shot offered from Joe and now he is offended to the nines.  Geez, I guess Juicy is an asshole for not doing a shot first thing in the morning at a CHRISTENING!  Teresa and Kathy have had a falling out too, Kathy told Richie about Teresa’s financial woes and Richie let the cat outta da’ bag by riding Teresa about her spending habits.

At the Manzo’s, dinner guests Jacqueline and Chris are enjoying their southern meal.  At the Manor, the christening is getting tense.  Richie must be constipated, because he is trying to start shit.  He is taking Joe down memory lane and all the great times he used to have with Teresa.  Melissa laughs “remember when we used to eat Nutella.”  WTF is with these people?  I have never seen anything like it.

Melissa flips out because Juicy and Teresa are holding the baby and sends her mother over to confiscate the baby.  Meanwhile, back at “The Bottom Line Starring Caroline Manzo”, she breaks down the drama by saying that Teresa and Melissa are the same person and they need to know their place.

Joe is drunk and outraged that Teresa was holding his son.  There’s another Joe at the table that keeps talking about being “classy” and tells Joe he needs to eat.  Richie explains that Joe and Juicy used to be “Paisons”, Teresa is the problem.  I have never seen a bag of whackadoos like this.  The whackadoodle-doo concentration is at an all time high.

Teresa is giving her “congratulations” so we can pick up where the beginning left off.  The fight escalates…take a walk, you’re garbage, fist pounding, don’t get it twisted…Juicy lunges at Joe, extensions fly, cameramen tumble, f’bombs are dropped.  What in the f*ckery is this hot ass mess?  Has everyone lost their GD friggin’ minds?  They are at a christening for a BABY!  It’s a full blown brawl, it takes three men to hold Joe back, the poor father is about to have another heart attack.  G to the ia is crying, this actually is not really funny anymore, it’s insane.  Another fight breaks out and the men have some unknown stranger down on the ground.  One of the party goers stands up and starts screaming “Calm the F*ck down!  This is a kids christening!”  This is mass hysteria, pandemonium at its finest.  This makes the wig pulling last season look like two cuddly kittens batting at a catnip mouse.  Joe’s friend Joey 3.0 calms him down and takes him to the bar.  Brilliant idea, add fuel to the fire.  Jezzuz Joey 3.0, put your gasoline and matches away!

Joe looks like a little dirt weevil, he starts yelling at his father, now they are going at it and Joe breaks down into the ugly cry.  The guests are leaving, it’s awful.  They make the guests on the Jerry Springer Show look like puritans.  Prediction:  the next three episodes will be spent re-hashing this mess.  Bravo, Bravo…what an opener.