I Need a Camera and a Scooter!

Okay readers, this is the final installment of the marginally-white, never forget, clam shucking, body glitter extravaganza.  Not a moment too soon… don’t know ‘bout y’all, but this parade of unstable wigs and oxygen restricting Spanx has grown tiresome.  We all witnessed the play-by-play of this season and the perpetual screaming match that is Wigs-n-Cigs vs. Nene and her Petco Choppers – so I will approach this by hitting on my personal favorite moments.  Let’s take a shallow dive into the wading pool:

  1. Wigs-n-Cigs vs. Nene – Face it Wigs, this is a fight you will not win. Yes, Nene gets on my nerves at times, but she remains the Queen Supreme of the ATL.  Sorry bitch – fasten your wig glue and keep it movin’!  Kandi is laughing her saggy teets off and P-Willi is smirking whilst straightening her crown – both glad to be off the hot-seat!  Key takeaway:  Your floaters on your chest ain’t workin’, get that double chin filed off next time you see your plastic surgeon, and WHERE IS YOUR SCOOTER?  WHERE IS IT!  I can see it now, Wigs barreling down the causeway, wind in her acrylic wiglette, a red Solo cup sitting snugly in the retrofitted cup-holder, Kroy in the side-car so he can finally have his own DRANK, her pink iPod plugged into the jack, jammin’ some John Legend.

scooter

  1. Solitary Confinement – We revisit with “Me-by-Shereé”, who apparently is dumping Prison BAE if he doesn’t get paroled. Wait – this is the love of your life, the soul to your mate, the tingle to your toes, the cure for all your woes!  You spent thousands of un-earned Jogger dollars on relational therapy with Jack Daniels, you spent 3 million Thelma dollars constructing a customized man-cave, a home gym, and a She by Shereé Shed complete with Rent-A-Center furniture… what gives?  She-by-She-Done… Joggers.  Key takeaway:  SBS is squirming all over the couch as OHAC questions her about Prison BAE.  Her Spanx are at hospitalization level tight or she really needs to pee.  Annnnd… Nene saying she conducted an oral transaction for John Legend tickets with “Lierone” was a joke on Twitter, of course.  Meanwhile, Kenya quietly urps up between the reunion couch cushions at the thought of it.

 

  1. There’s a Clip for That – Kenya takes a strategic position on the opposing couch so she can go at Wigs face full o’ fillers. She goes after Kroy – the valet, the driver, the wiglette-stand maker.  Wigs goes at Kandi for saying that Wigs drinks too much.    THE.  EFFING.  TAPE.  Wigs telling Kandi at their lunch that she makes Kroy drive so she can drink, drink in the car, drink while getting stuffed into her Spanx, drinking and Tweeting, can’t do anything without a drink.  Viewers can play the Wigs drinking game at home, take a drink every time Wigs strokes her acrylic locks, take a drink every time the red Solo cup appears, take a drink every time Wigs accuses others of being jealous, take a drink every time she LIES and summon your driver to cart your drunk-ass to the ER!

Wigs denies saying all the unsavory things this season, which are memorialized on camera.  Nene goes off, Kandi goes off, P-Willi and 50-Cynt inch over to the opposite end of their couch… Wigs sits on the sidelines like a “motherfuckin’ fan” judging everyone like a troll who lives behind the washing machine in their parents’ basement.  Key takeaway:  We need Andy and an automated external defibrillator for Nene and Kandi.

throne of lies

  1. Step into my Office – Wigs flees, red Solo cup full o’ dumpster juice in hand. OHAC wraps it up by going around the semi-circle of the damned asking the cast-mates to state what they have learnt this season.  Suddenly the Bravo intern appears and summons OHAC backstage, Wigs is demanding to speak with him in the ladies room her office.  Props to the production assistant who gets on the walkie, “I need Andy and a CAMERA!”  Wigs is crying to OHAC, Kroy is playing body guard, putting his hand in the camera.  Wigs wails on… nothing positive was said to her, they are all so MEAN!  OHAC explains that she has been nothing but combative this season and didn’t show anything positive about her dayum self.  We hear Nene bellowing “the door is CLOSED!”

Wigs continues shrieking at the man who signs her Paychex by Bravo – you haven’t found another white woman to sit on the couch with these women, nobody is dumb enough!  Then something about how racism didn’t exist before social media!?!?  Now this is where everything went left… we see the exact moment it comes across OHAC’s face, like “uhh yea, I’m gonna fire you right after I smoke a fatty in my trailer.”  Sensing this is some next-level delusion, SBS dips out.  Key takeaway:  Walkin’ papers will be drafted faster than she changes into her Wal-Mart Joggers.

Kim and OHAC in bathroom

Next week is a 10th anniversary of best moments, which I will be enjoying with a tub o’ mint cookie crumble ice cream.  Signing off, dear readers!  Thank you for following me and reading!

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The End-Game Remains the Same

Welcome to another installment of glittered clavicles, where the acrylic nails are waving all up in our bidness!  Let’s get to the roundup – and no, I do not mean “The Roundup” of RHOD fame!  Focus people, minds out of the gutters!

  1. Prostitution Moratorium – Marlo “check my charges” Hampton is tired of being called a whore ladies and gents! If she is to be called a prostitute, she wants receipts damn it!  OHAC asks what her actual job is, it’s basically dating wealthy men who pay her bills and running an Etsy site where they sell SBS lifestyle joggers.  The IRS Standard Occupational Classification would be “service industry”.  The ladies finally agree to not call each other prostitutes unless they have hard-n-fast proof.  Pun intended!

prostitution whoah

  1. Rape-Gate No More – Porsha and Kandi have a moment where they agree that drug-n-rape-gate shall never darken their doorway again. Porsha tries round 8 of her apology and has finally refined her process.  Kandi agrees to let it go in the interest of not breathing any more life into it.  They agree to shake on it, 50-Cynt pushes for a “hug it out” moment, but let’s not get nuts!

 

  1. Hang on to your Wigs-n-Cigs – Wigs and her entourage of one (dejected former NFL bench-warmer Kroy) are in the building. He has even brought a full cooler of drinks, I love how he blends the football tail-gating tradition with his wifey’s half-ass career.  This fucken’ guy is incredible… Kroy of all trades – trusty assistant / chauffeur / stylist / bell-boy / bartender / baby-sitter / wig-master!  Showing where her loyalty lies, SBS slides behind the makeshift curtain to warn Wigs what she’s about to walk into.  This was SBS first tactical error this season, hitching her lifestyle wagon to this shit-show person.

Kroy servant

  1. Will-I-Am-An-Opportunist – Oh 50-Cynt, good thing you are strikingly gorgeous, otherwise I would throttle you in the neck with an open fist through my television. Eva joins the group and they re-hash Will-gate, but 50-Cynt still believes Will was single when they met.  Eva knows what she saw and was introduced to Will’s “girlfriend” about 24 hours before 50-Cynt’s Tinder date.  Eva has no time for this messiness, she’s about to go into labor.  Alert to 50-Cynt, your showmance is showing!  She is no longer seeing Will and a new dark chocolate selection in her candy dish.

 

  1. End-Game – Wigs waddles out with her red Solo cup, as Kroy gives her the push-off from back stage, he breaks the fourth wall – “she’s hot, right?” As if he’s trying to convince himself.  Yes Kroy – ya’ done good!  Ya’ strapped the ol’ broad into her spanx within an inch of her life, and stuffed her in that Forever 21 spandex dress as if she were stuffed sausage!  #LifeGoals!  There’s a lot of chatter back and forth, but I just want to hit on the highlights that made this last hour worth it – Wigs is called out talking crap about 50-Cynt and Nene, she denies it and then the Bravo Intern rolls the effing tape.  OHAC compares Wigs’ pivoting ways to Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and Wigs has no clue who that is.

    OHAC asks Wigs “what’s the end game with the lips?”  To look like a baboon’s, swollen, irritated asshole – #LifeGoalsCrushed!

End-game

Photo Cred:  thegoodthebadandthefake – Thank you for THIS!

Next week is Only.  Part.  Three.  Of.  These.  Unstable.  Slut-Tards.  The women go hard at Wigs and she walks out.

Just Gettin’ Warmed Up

Hey everyone, so sorry I am late this week… this damn, pesky, full-time job thingy is really getting in the way of my reality television habit.  This part one reunion was like amuse-bouche of sorts – just a li’l nibble before the main course.  It was a random, mixed-bag of tricks, so let’s approach this recap in the trusty, top-moments style:

  1. The Outfits and Looks Over the Years – Party City is the place to be and Porsha made a stop on her way to this reunion and purchased the best Disney villain props she could find. She displays her plastic crown with pride, but she left the scepter at checkout!  The rest of the ladies are adorned in truly awful gowns, I mean really… this is some uggo shit from the 70% off rack at Marshall’s.  It’s been 10 seasons ladies, get it together.  And while we’re airing our grievances, do we really need to coat our clavicles with 50 shades of body glitter?  We are also treated to a stirring retrospective over the years [thank you Bravo Intern for throwing this footage together] – Nene hits it on the head, Wigs-n-Cigs got her wigs from Party City.  The early years of Wigs-n-Cigs are pretty pitiful, her wigs are made of plastic Barbie hair that melts on contact with a lukewarm hot roller.  This all reminds me of one of my absolute favorite memories of RHATL – early reunion footage of Wigs-n-Cigs, discussing how a friend of her trainer’s first cousin, thrice-removed, knew a man who sat next to her grandfather’s brother-in-law during medical school, thought maybe…was about 90% sure that she had cancer.  BUT THEN… as she waited her test results, that fateful phone call came as she pulled into a Chili’s parking lot… and she learned that she DID NOT have cancer!  WOO HOO – AWESOME BLOSSOMS for EVERYONE!

Wigs cancer

  1. Kenya’s Cavalcade o’ Lies – Oh Kenya, you have been demoted on the reunion couch to last seat, hovering on the arm-rest at best. Kenya hints at pregnancy rumors, a baby is due “later this year” as if it’s a home improvement project she might get to in the fall.  She backpedals a bit, doesn’t want to say much, but she and Question Marc are definitely expanding their family.  Never mind that they don’t live in the same state, oh and she’s never met his parents, but alls good in da’ hood!  OHAC asks how Question Marc feels about being on the show, considering he believes it’s a ghastly representation of African-American Women.  Kenya states that Question Marc never said such things and this was stirred up by the bloggers, but OHAC pulls the ace out of his sleeve – “he told my colleagues that” – he hates the show.  Never have I EVER seen Kenya just sit there with the stare of a murderous muppet!  Caution – Awkward Silence Ahead!
    Awkward silence
    Kenya also takes a moment to diss her alleged BFF, 51-Cynt by stating that she “can’t hold water” – translation she can’t keep fake news to herself.  Caution – Article IX, Section 9(a) (iiv) is shouldering behind the couch.  Even Nene backs up 51-Cynt on this one, noting that her former BFF can keep a secret when it matters.

 

  1. The Door is Klosed – Kandi still gets that wobble in her voice when discussing the Porsha rape-gate situation from season 9. The rumor could have killed her whole, wobbly, Kandi-Koated Brand.  Porsha still doesn’t get it, she thinks she was just throwing out some innocent shade – like “your husband is short”, or “your dress is too tight and you look like overstuffed sausage casing”, she truly has no clue how much damage she caused.  As we’ve always known with P-Willi, the wheel is a turnin’, but the HAM-ster is dead!

Ham-ster

  1. Lifestyle Joggers – We finally address another elephant in the season regarding She-by-Shereé and her Wal-Mart, Garanimal sweats. SBS reveals that she was going for comfort this season – translation, my man is in Prison and I’ve completely given up on life.  SBS claims that She-by-Shereé will be dropping some hot, new fashions… well it’s a “lifestyle brand” … “joggers”, “athletic lifestyle”.  OHAC asks when the world will receive this scintillating new collection, to which SBS stammers… “late summer, fall, winter really, maybe 2040.”  Put it this way, Baby Twirl – the human version, will drop before She-by-Shereé anything hits the scene.  Somewhere in the green room the Bravo Intern is radioing headquarters – “yes, if you could prepare walkin’ papers for Ms. Whitfield, yeah… that would be grrrreeeeaaat!”

Paperwork

  1. Blackmailing Slut-Tards, Read for FILTH – Marlo trots out lookin’ like a Shetland Show Pony, and no sooner has she scooched in underneath SBS’ magenta skirt, and Kenya goes for the jugular – “you’ve got a code reader between your legs!” Apparently, that “John the Pizza Guy” who Nene dated back in 2011 or some shit… got caught in Marlo Hampton’s snare of slutfuckery.  After Nene raided his pocketbook, Marlo went in for seconds.  Annnnd we’re not talkin’ the good kind of leftover cold breakfast pizza, but the flavorless crust that everyone leaves on their plate.  Marlo took photos of his phone, containing texts betwixt he and Nene.  Marlo attempted to blackmail Pizza Guy with said texts, but all she could score is a payment of $20,000 on her Neiman Marcus bill, to which Nene responds, with a master-stroke of bitchery… “I’m surprised he had $20,000!”

I’ll leave it here with a top five, I am about as dizzy as OHAC looks.  The rest is just arguing over loyalty, as if any of them know what that means, and everyone is gettin’ on my nerves, over-handling their weaves and clip-ins.  Next week, Wigs-n-Cigs joins the stage and gets dragged.

Masters of Disguise

It’s the finale of RHATL and we can’t wait for the nine-part reunion, so let’s dive right into the madness!  We learn that Porsha’s co-workers at Dish Nation lovingly call her “P-Willi”, they are live on the air discussing the upcoming nickel-n-dime stage play, starring their own P-Willi alongside the shady Vivica A. Fox.  I must take a poignant pause here and reflect on the “seven degrees of Kevin Bacon” moment we are having – so here’s Miss Vivica on the RHATL for a cameo, she was formerly a guest on WWHL with Andy Cohen, where she claimed that her ex-boyfriend, 50-CENT, is gay.  ALLEGEDLY PEOPLE!  Not to be confused with our own 50-CYNT, who is not gay… as far as we know!  Whew – the world is a rich tapestry, my friends!

Vivica 50

Across town, other housewives with nothing to do are meeting for a play date!  Kandi takes Baby Ace to the pumpkin patch to meet with Eva and her daughter Marley Rae.  Let’s just say that Marley Rae is not DTPD (Down to Play Date).  She’s a bit fussy, but they only have to stay for a few contractually obligated moments in order to lay the groundwork for the hellscape that will be the last 15 minutes of the episode.  Eva is now an official ATL resident, and it’s her BURF-DAY, and it’s HALLOWEEN, so Kandi convinces her to throw a Halloween costume party and invite all past mortal enemies of housewives present.

Later, 50-Cynt and Nene roll up to the mall in Nene’s Rent-A-Royce, but no handicapped parking for them!  They must hobble on their cloven hooves into the Halloween store and select cheezie costumes.  Eva is already in the shop and we learn that the party will be held in an old, decommissioned church.  This parade of unstable skanks may spontaneously combust upon entering.  50-Cynt gives Nene a warning – Wigs-n-Cigs will be in attendance.  Nene tries to brush it off, pretending to be enthralled by some “Nestle Crunch” socks [no… seriously!]  She’s too busy catching checks, no room to catch a case!

SBS welcomes some of the ladies to the Château for a tour of the newly finished basement.  Only Kandi and 50-Cynt show up, but hey… more macaroons for Kandi!  Kandi causally points out that SBS has no doormat at all and SBS tells her it had to be custom-made and is “on backorder”.  As SBS leads them down into the fully furnished home underneath the Château, she is serving up shade left and right.  Nene couldn’t make it to the basement unveiling, which she doesn’t understand since she has free time after being fired from the Xscape tour… and 50-Cynt, who has a home full of IKEA, needs to see what real furniture looks like.  Oh SBS, karma is going to bite you in the bubble-booty when your Château is repoed!  Kandi can’t reconcile the figures in her head, but SBS must have sold a lot of books.  SBS situates Kandi and 50-Cynt in the spa and in come the two ladies from Priv to get their product placement by Bravo, and give some weak-ass hand massages.  SBS takes the floor with her latest drama, apparently SBS heard from Shamea that P-Willi called her after Barcelona and said that none of the women can be trusted, not even SBS!  Not one to ever let things slide, SBS is ticked after she had P-Willi’s back for the last four months.  She plans to open up a can o’ rent-a-whoop ass on P-Willi, but 50-Cynt advises her to talk it over directly with P-Willi before turning loose like a crack-house rat.  Ahem… 50-Cynt, have you seen this show?

It’s the opening night of “two can play that game” and P-Willi is on stage playing a “bona fide ho”, which isn’t much of a stretch.  50-Cynt and Kenya are the only two who show up, and Kenya is there for the sole purpose of throwing shade at the current state of Vivica’s old face.

Hypocrisy meter

Okay finally, the last 15 – it’s the night of the Halloween party and this shin-dig is held together with prayers and chewing gum.  In comparison with the other bashes we’ve seen, it’s quite pitiful.  There are some random plastic bowls of Halloween candy disbursed on rented high-top tables and a buffet of airport KFC.

The only noteworthy part is 50-Cynt dressed as 50-Cent and lookin’ pretty dang fierce.  Will trails in, dressed as Poindexter – we could use a little less of him.  Noelle is at the party and this is her first exposure to Will, probably her last since his dating contract will be toast before filming is over.

SBS commits the ultimate Halloween-welcome to the ATL-but no peach for you party-foul and dresses in the same costume as the host.  There is only room for ONE Cleopatra in this decommissioned den of worship!  Wigs-n-Kroy are unoriginal as Hugh Hefner and a rando Playboy bunny, but I’m glad that this is the first episode in the long time that Kroy is not relegated to circling the block in the Escalade!  Marlo shows up as BAPS and some random older man, who she introduces as “Raymond”.  Kenya asks where he came from, to which he replies, “I fell from the sky”… more like fell out of escort agency li’l black book!

mmm hmm

SBS tells Marlo about the P-Willi gossip and Marlo convinces her it’s the best plan in the history of the explored universe to confront her at this social gathering.  Nene and Gregg walk in dressed as roach and exterminator and totally steal the show.  #couplepettygoals!  Wigs is in the corner lookin’ like a rabid bunny, but the joke is on her.  Kroy is laughing and gives Nene props for having a great sense of humor.  Watch Nene float out of this thing and score an endorsement deal for Orkin Pest Control, or some crazy shit!  Nene will be cashin’ cock-roach checks instead of Trump checks – ah well, same difference, right?

Nene-Gregg

At a nearby rent-a-high-top, it’s SBS-n-Wigs vs. zombie brides P-Willi-n-Lauren.  The confrontation begins… P-Willi’s life is just one crushing friendship defeat after another.  She responds as one would expect of any zombie bride – “wha’?”  Shamea, appropriately dressed as “messy mermaid”, wiggles her way up to bring her bestie up to speed on why SBS is comin’ for her.  The whole thing escalates quickly, Wigs inserts herself, there’s a lot of acrylic fingernail waving, and P-Willi suggests they talk privately.  Game over – SBS has already labelled her as a bad friend and she dashes off to burn their friendship contract at the decorative entry cauldron.  Nene takes P-Willi aside and lectures her about giving an “apology presentation ceremony” of sorts to the entire group, with “no buts”.  P-Willi stands her ground and says “NO” to Nene, which is freakin’ unheard of in this crew.  Marlo and her 5 foot wig try to butt in, P-Willi is shoveling Pez or Xanax into her mouth at an alarming rate, but then swiftly walks away because she’s about to erupt into a fiery rage containing the white-hot heat of 1,000 suns!  Marlo the asshole and her 5-foot wig are chasing after P-Willi and she pulls on her zombie-bride train.  Some rando party-goer, or a Bravo intern perhaps, whisks in to aid P-Willi and he helps carry her train so she can escape the idiot-hooker chasing her.

50-cent-porsha

Oddly – this rando looks a li’l like none other than the real 50-CENT!  After P-Willi escapes from the peach-thirsty Marlo, she reconvenes with Lauren and they hoof it out of there.  Poor li’l Fitty – he was hoping P-Willi might split an Uber with him – 50-Sad!

50-Sad

Kandi has had her fill of airport KFC and the dipping sauces have run dry, she is ready to hear the best costume award and be in bed by 8!  Of course, 50-Cynt takes the prize and bids farewell to her alter-ego.  Cynthia has since turned 51, RIP 50-CYNT!

50-cynt-costume

As we wind up, we see the updates of each housewife to tide us over until the bloodbath reunion – 50-Cynt is still “getting to know” Will after nine months of dating.  Nene is still attempting her comedy, P-Willi has the acting bug and is continuing her pursuits, Kandi has an OLG food-truck in the works because she doesn’t have enough revenue streams, Kenya is still waffling with Question Marc about where to call “home”, and we learn that the “Man Cave” at the Château will be empty until 2022.  God’s speed, Prison-BAE!

See y’all next week for reunion roundup, part one!

Missing the Marc

Welcome to the penultimate episode of RHOA, where the ladies wind down and pretend to be doing important things with their lives.  Let’s start with Porsha, who is on some sort of pseudo-roller skating date with her boss, Rickey Smiley.  There is definitely some chemistry here, Rickey seems to have all the feels for her juicy-booty, but Porsha is way too busy brushing her wigs on the nightly – no room for a relationship, baby, or a sexual harassment suit.  Rickey is rather adept on his skates, while Porsha… well she looks like a savage cat on a waffle iron.  She takes a spill and Rickey is concerned about her booty and pretends to perform some sort of new-fangled ass CPR.  To hell with their employer’s fraternization polices, these two should get together.

Meanwhile, across town at the Bailey Agency Skewl for Wayward Models, 50-Cynt stands over her assistant trying to look like she’s doing actual work – saying worky-type things like “let’s workshop that idea”, “I’ll touch base”, “it’s a win-win”, “let’s take this off-line”… Kenya waltzes in lookin’ hella ratchet, she’s channeling “naughty skewl girl hooker” in her bad outfit choice.  Apparently, Kenya has so much wonderful footage from her domestic violence PSA that she has created an entire 30-minute special and she will hold the premiere party at 50-Cynt’s vacant space.  She will be hosting ten domestic violence survivors for a full makeover and red-carpet experience.  The only interesting thing of note in this scene, is that 50-Cynt’s “Director” of the Agency is also sporting a skirt!

Over in da’ hood – Kandi sits upon her throne at the Kandi Factory and announces to Todd and Don Juan that she has put an offer on the property across the street.  Google may be building a headquarters down the street and she wants in on this shit.  I can see it now, the Kandi Kafe, Koffee by Kandi, Kale Kookies by Kandi … the possibilities are endless, let’s workshop this idea!  Let’s face it, she’s the only real hustler here.  The woman has so many revenue streams, her children will never have to work or obtain a personality.  Now, to get down to the most important bidness of the day – Kandi is concerned about Nene’s Insta-Meltdown and she feels bad about kicking her off the tour.  Todd is oddly team-Nene and his first line of defense is to refer to the fact that our Evil Cheeto in Chief says horrid shit all the time and it’s okay… so why can’t Nene make a rape joke?  IT’S COMEDY!  Oh Todd – JUST NO.  It’s not okay… it never will be okay… #DON’TGETMESTARTED!  Don Juan is the unlikely voice of reason here and reminds Kandi that bidness decisions are like, hard and stuff.  Oh Kandi, have we taught you NOTHING?  How quickly you forget the “Tardy For the Party” fiasco, or the “Phaedra Sparks Workout Video” debacle – you do not mix bidness with contractually obligated pretend friendships!

girl-bye-aint-nobody-got-time-fo-dat-meme

We catch up with Nene in her game room, and I need to point out here that she has bar stools with black toilet seats as the actual seats.  This is an odd choice considering she demands luxury goods and undeserving handicapped parking privileges.  She has a chat with her son Brentt, who announces… AHEM… that he’s ready to get into the entertainment/comedy industry.  Okay – two things… 1)  I believe a chief requirement would be a personality, and 2)  Nene better get on the Googler and find him a diction coach.  The kid talks like he’s got marbles in his mouth!  Nene warns him that comedy is a fickle, crafty, minx that will kick his ass into next week and he won’t be able to… AWW HELL… who are we kidding.  This is never happening unless Brentt has some secret personality that only comes out at night, when no one is around except the water-bugs.

Over at Chateau Shereé, SBS is ordering contractors around and looking like a stunned mouse in a Dixie cup as her interior designer tells her he needs more time.  More time on the bathroom, the spa area, the sauna, the bar, the tanning-trough, the movie theater, the gym, the waxing station, the carbonated drink mixing area, the staging area, the heli-pad… oh yes dear readers, SBS is finally finishing her 5,000 square foot basement and plans to hole up with Prison BAE 4-EVA!  SBS scurries outside to take her daily 15-minute call from Prison BAE, they talk about their future, “making it official”, “destination wedding”, “blending the families”, “making room at the dinner table for one more” (his Parole Officer).  Prison BAE is making statements about taking care of everything, taking a trip to Bali, paying for an $8,000 stair climbing machine out of his commissary account.  What’s the deal Prison BAE, you runnin’ some underground sweat-shop selling soiled prison-mate boxers?  Like he’s all high-rollin’ and shit?  You got some skrilla tucked in your air mattress?  WHAT?

What

Just as these two are romanticizing about their amazing, imaginary future, the robo-prison call voice chimes in – “this is a call from Federal PRISON”.  #HOPESANDDREAMSDASHED!  Sorry Prison BAE, your reality check has bounced and you are wanted in seven states.

Dreams Crushed

Later, SBS is lookin’ a little rough, her makeup is the opposite of on-point and her hair looks like a wild hamster nest.  Maybe a wild night in the conjugal visit trailer?  Her daughter, Kaleigh, is home from school visiting and wakes up at 2 p.m. for breakfast?  Anyhoo – they discuss Prison BAE and Kaleigh has some sage advice for mom – “there’s a lot of fish in the sea, and you go for jail bait.”  SBS thinks her children will come around when they meet Prison BAE in the flesh and see what an amazing con-man he is.

SBS looking rough

In other “parenting done right” news, we learn that Miss Noelle has a passion for dentistry and she’s obtained an internship with a prosti-dontist, which I think means prosthetic dentistry.  50-Cynt drops by with lunch, complete with ill-timed sugary drinks.  Noelle wants to find a career that helps her make a difference in people’s lives.  At least 50-Cynt has parented well, this girl is a good li’l egg that understands hawking her mom’s “flash in the pan” cargo bags won’t pay da’ rent!  The most interesting factoid we learn here is that 50-Cynt had her first job at Taco Bell, which just made my entire week worth living.  AHHH-MAZING!

taco bell shells

Kenya preps her domestic violence survivor guests with a salon experience, complete with a shameless plug for Kenya Moore hair care products.  Hopefully it’s actual product and not just water in the bottles this time!  Later, Kenya makes her grand entrance at the event.  Everyone is looking great – three snaps in a Z formation!

three snaps z formation

Annnnd then there’s Maude Nene, sporting one of her Mumu’s from the Mrs. Roper collection.  Nene is just phoning it in at this point.  The ladies ask if Question Marc will be attending, but Kenya gives the “nah… he can’t find his way out of a paper bag, let alone book a plane ticket on Expedia” speech.  Did you marry a toddler?  The ladies don’t get this either, then just as Kenya is delivering her introductory, welcome to my event, sorry my boobs look like two half-dead possums taped to my chest, speech… in walks Question Marc!  Everyone is a bit stunned, including him.  Seriously – what’s with this dude?  I think the cardboard cut-out had more personality than him and Brentt Leakes combined!  Kenya introduces Marc to the ladies, 50-Cynt seems to have a rather unhealthy obsession with him – she hugs him about five times.  Then, leave it to SBS to deliver a wispy, brush-stroke of shady bitchery – “where did you get that strategically placed speck of body-glitter on the side of your nose your nose ring… because I want to get one!”  HA!

Question Marc

On the other side of the room, Porsha is giving Nene some high-top cocktail table wisdom, which is hilarious because she’s essentially repeating back the advice Nene gave her!  Seriously though Nene, you’re kind of an asshole.  Take your own advice, get out of your own way, and for the sake of all that is good and decent… call an exterminator and hire a stylist.

Next week, the Halloween party finale showdown of destruction!  Porsha takes the stage in her play, and SBS basement is finished!  Eva hosts a Halloween party, SBS and Porsha exchange unsavory words, and Nene shows up dressed as an exterminator and poor ol’ crusty Gregg is stuffed into a cock roach costume!  Can’t wait!

Light, Love, and Old HAM

The ladies pile into the Mercedes Benz party bus, leaving the squalor known as the villa.  The title card on the screen says “Day Two” – yeah, day TWO… just let that SANK IN for a minute.  It seems like we’ve been watching these Barcelona escapades for paleolithic eons.  Nene addresses the elephant, who has left the room… Porsha headed back to the ATL because she’s tired of being trampled on and she’s about ready to cut a bitch.  Kandi says she will get over “drug, kidnap, rape-gate” eventually, it may just take a bit longer than the aging of a jambon leg.

The women arrive at the bigger, better, less mildew-ey Hotel Arts, where they each settle in to their 4000 square foot suites.  They are all instantly in a better mood, blame it on the Bossa Nova previous accommodations!  A plethora of fried foods arrives at 1:00 a.m., all the girls are elbow-deep into the calamari, while SBS hangs back in her room to take a call from Prison BAE.  Her conversation consists of telling Prison BAE what she has eaten the last two days in Barcelona.  I guess when you are on a steady prison diet of ramen and goulash surprise, a detailed account of what one eats on the outside is considered stimulating conversation.  Do the time, Prison BAE, don’t let the time do you.

Meanwhile, Kandi comes up with a bright idea to dress SBS up like an Elvira sex doll, take photos, and then send them to Prison BAE.  Nene is curious, how will SBS will send the pics from her phone?  Marlo “check my charges” Hampton chimes in… “nowadays, they be sneakin’ phones in the prisons, I know because MY NEPHEW is incarcerated.”  Thanks for the disclaimer, but we all know you’ve done a stint or two.

Before the 15 minutes are up on the prison call, Kandi asks Nene if there’s some issue between her and Prison BAE, and Nene goes straight-up HAM, “I’ve never been out with Tyrone!” Kandi interprets this as a bit of a confession, cool your jets, TURBO – “who said that???”

who said that

Nene continues on, “we’ve never kissed, we’ve never held HAMS, we’ve never shopped at the A&P together, we’ve never watched “The Apprentice” together…”  Wow, this is a complicated tapestry.  SBS joins the group at about 2:00 a.m., Marlo drags SBS into her terror-dome, and forces her to put on leopard print every-THANG and some heels she can’t even walk in.  SBS gets the line of the night… referring to Marlo’s shoes, “what are these, size 15’s?!”  Marlo demands SBS hand over her boobs for a good ol’ fashioned duct taping.  50-Cynt walks in, acting like she’s never seen or applied silver duct tape before, and she seems to not realize they were taking the photo shoot quite this far.  Note to Marlo:  next time at Wal-Mart, look for leopard print duct-tape to complete your outfits!

SBS hobbles along, like a middle-aged housewife far away from her Wal-Mart sweats.  Eva demonstrates some simple model poses on the stairs, they set SBS down carefully and Marlo equips her with a shiny gold prop phone.  Okay Marlo, duct tape, old-timey prop phones… I can almost hear the circus music playing on a loop within her head.  50-Cynt and Eva are trying to create wind with the room service platters, but fail miserably.  The photos are a li’l rough to say the least, but Prison BAE ain’t picky!

Marlo boobs

The next day, the women are all groggy and draggin’ ass.  That’s whatcha get when you twerk your ass off until 4:00 a.m.!  Again – BRAVO… why are we not getting ALL this footage?  Shamea has Kandi and SBS as a captive audience over breakfast, so she uses the opportunity to find out the real dirt on Nene and Prison BAE.  Kandi gives a replay of getting “chewed out” by Nene’s Petco choppers the night before, like she seriously thought she was going to have to Vaseline her face and fight.  SBS gives a recap of how she met Prison BAE, it turns out that SBS, Nene, and Wigs-n-Cigs were all involved in an event that Prison BAE coordinated.  Nene demanded more money for the event and we flash back to six years ago when Nene and SBS had it out.  Ahh… the flashback, before the makeup was matte, the weaves were crafted out of synthetic barbie hair, and Tyrone was still relegated to being a voice on the phone.  This was the “Trump Checks”, “fix your teeth”, “fix your face”, “Petco Choppers”, “car towed at Home Depot”, blowout of epic proportion.  Nene and SBS didn’t talk for about four years after this, so SBS believes this is the “elephant in the room”, to which Nene has been referring.

tyrone phone

Six hours later, they are all makeup-caked, contoured, wig-glue securely dried, and ready to be seen in public.  The Spanish citizens are protesting the government so there’s rioting in the streets and the ladies are wary of the constant police sirens.  50-Cynt starts some weird shit on the party bus of the damned, licking her lips and telling Kandi she would be a wonderful housewife.  50-Cynt, for the love of all that is good and descent, KNOCK THIS SHIT OFF!

The women are meandering around town and 50-Cynt spots a blinged out ham, clothed in leopard print stockings and size 15 Louboutin’s.  It’s an aged ham restaurant and the ladies try some samples, Eva says it smelled like “fart”, and Shamea notes that her ham must have been aged during no-shave November.  Nene is totally freaked at the thought of chomping down the jambon sample, and SBS is reading tonight… “don’t act like you’ve never had old meat before!”  After they eat the rotten jambon, they separate into two gossiping factions.  Kandi, Shamea, and SBS set their HAM-bitions on finding another restaurant with fresher meats and large drinks.

old ham

Eva is left with rotten jambon to pick, she asks Nene why she reacted so strongly to the subject of Prison-BAE and Nene bears her Petco fangs, warning Eva to never mention him in her presence again.

The next day, Marlo tells Nene that SBS isn’t giving her the time of day and Nene uses the opportunity to throw SBS under the fastest moving bus in Spain.  SBS brought Wigs-n-Cigs into her home and she knew about the water bug video and never forewarned her, SBS only rides for SBS … and Prison BAE.  My reunion fodder sensors are perkin’ up!

Meanwhile, in another suite, 50-Cynt decides to mandate a spiritual positivity day and advises the group they will drive 90 minutes to a special location where she will hold a pretend re-baptism.  All aboard the party bus of love, light, and spiritual cleansing.  These beyotches are going to need some boiling water and borax to cleanse their souls!  50-Cynt wants positivity, damnit!  She encourages the ladies to share something uplifting… a poem, blotting papers, duct tape, or…  Kandi breaks out her iPhone voice recorder and sings a few lines from her new song, which is basically “Fuck Fake People, STFU”.

They arrive at Costa Brava, 50-Cynt gives a speech and each woman is handed a candle with a name of the women they most despise and they must say three nice things about their person.  They all smack-down some pretty shady, back-handed positivity, oh and Marlo’s boob pops out of her top.  Where’s the duct tape when you need it?  50-Cynt gets in the water and splashes it on her boobs, more of a morning after “ho-bath” than a spiritual cleansing!

Ho-Bath

Next time – SBS delivers word back to Wigs-n-Cigs, Nene has a crisis, Kandi confronts Wigs-n-Cigs

Bein’ Hood in Barcelona

It’s day two at 8 a.m. at the quaint Villa for wayward housewives, Eva surveys the women for coffee, but even the Wigs-n-Cigs wig is tore up from the floor up.  They all look like they just rolled off of Willie Nelson’s tour bus.  SBS is aching from sleeping on a cot next to a barred window.  She is envious of Prison BAE, for he sleeps on a pillowy bed of ramen noodles.

Kandi and 50-Cynt seem to be the only survivors from the night before, they are all fluffed, freshened, magnetic lashes in place, wig glue secure, and ready to start the day.  50-Cynt admits that the Villa leaves a lot to be desired, it’s a bit like online dating, everything looks better in photos and may or may not have a clandestine girlfriend behind the secret door masquerading as a book shelf in the library.  Porsha arrives at the table, ready to re-hash the 3 a.m. feeble attempts to fulfill items on the bucket list.  We are treated to iPhone footage of the women twerkin’ at 3 a.m. – Bravo intern, take note… this is the kind of footage I can get behind.  As the ladies arrive at the table hangry, several li’l mini-eruptions are flaring like a river of hot, ferocious, magma!  Notably, Eva who is not too keen on Shamea asking her about her sexuality, especially when she’s involved with a Mayor to be.  Marlo lectures that the truth shall set everyone free, unless you’re backpedalin’ Porsha.

Nene saunters in and announces that everyone will be moving to a hotel, but first they will tool around Barcelona in mini-cars as 50-Cynt has planned.  They board the Mercedes-Benz party-bus to netherland and 50-Cynt requests an update on the bucket list challenge.  Nene claims she ate a salty ball with hair on it, again — where is this footage, Bravo intern?

Schweddy ball

Marlo did a slut dance with her ass out as seen in the 3 a.m. footage (in other words, a typical Tuesday night).  Marlo challenges 50-Cynt to kiss Kandi with tongue, but Kandi is minding her manners after drug-drag-rape-gate last season.  SBS is fully committed to love before, during, and after lockup and will not tongue anyone other than Prison BAE through the plexiglass, let alone be sloppy seconds!  However, in desperate attempt to win favor among these unstable skanks, Porsha is on board with being dirty thirds.  50-Cynt proceeds to rinse out her mouth and then sticks the tip of her tongue in Porsha’s mouth, and ends up licking Porsha’s teeth.  Porsha is freaked, good thing she flossed.  Ummm… eww.  I don’t know why this marks some sort of astounding accomplishment in life, but the girls have gone wild.  The indoor irrational skank voice modulation issues are at an all-time high.  As a sidebar here, 50-Cynt is wearing a tee-shirt that has names of supermodels, “Cindy, Naomi, Linda…” and she has written in her own name with fabric paint she found for $1.00 at Hobby Lobby.

Cynthia tongue

They arrive at the go-car rental place and no sooner than 30 seconds out of the chute, Porsha crashes into the back end of another go-car.  And I don’t mean fender bender, I mean full on crash, her front end is wedged under the back end of the other go-car.

Porsha crash

She cries faulty brakes and they let her get into another go-car with her 10” stilettos.  Seriously ladies, would it kill you to put appropriate footwear on yo’ dayum feet for these activities?!?!  Can we get some Crocs… STAT!

Crocs

As they tear up the town it starts raining and it’s a housewife freak-out of epic proportion.  They make a pit-stop at a huge market that carries every food imaginable and alcohol as far as their American eyes can see.  Porsha tries to order Hennessy and Coke in Spanish, Nene thinks “to hell wit’ it” and orders an entire bottle of Absolut.  Porsha tries some octopus and deems herself Baby Vegan on the Backslide – yes backsliding right into the tentacles of the drama.  Nene wants to discuss the whole Wigs-n-Cigs situation and she tells us for the 189th time that those were water bugs.  Nene is also upset that Porsha and SBS didn’t stand up for her.  SBS agrees to be the one who gon’ check Wigs and her red Solo cup, Boo… and she will tell Wigs her behavior is not cool.  Eva looks generally, low-key annoyed at all of this.

Nene makes light of the cock roach accusation and states she did have three roaches and she named them, Wigs, Brielle, and Kroy.  Aww Nene, two wrong tweets don’t make a right – keep it classy, bitch!  Marlo starts riding Porsha about confronting Wigs, but Porsha isn’t playin’ monkey in the middle.  Nene and Wigs will “cut each other down to the white meat and then two minutes later be BFF.”  That’s probably the smartest thing Porsha has ever decided in her adult life, other than walking out on that blind date.

Marlo must have had too many self-serve Absolut shots because she is way off the rails and yelling in Porsha’s face.  Nene actually comes to Porsha’s defense and tells Marlo to take it down a level or ten, but Marlo will not let the door mat that was too small, slide by without a proper match.  Porsha becomes emotional because the door mat was a gift from her mom and it has sentimental value.  Can I say this is the dumbest argument in the explored universe?

Turns out the petty door mat argument is just an appetizer before the main course, Marlo decides it’s her duty to insert herself into the stale situation between Porsha and Kandi.  Uggg… Marlo, you’ve been picking up your gossip at the outlet mall because honey, this is sooooo last season!  Marlo tries to drag Kandi into it, but Kandi wants no part of this mother*ckin’ shakedown.  Porsha starts to lose it and she’s waving her collapsible fan in Marlo’s face.  Marlo tries to rip it out of her hand like a swift, effective, killing machine.  She scares everyone to their utter core, they all jump up, and Kandi reminds everyone that they do not want to be arrested in Spain.  They high-tail it out of the market as security surrounds them, but Nene is sure to grab her bottle of Absolut!  We all have flashbacks to that reunion where Porsha snatched the scepter out of Kenya’s hand, but let’s hope Porsha can channel her three anger management lessons so it doesn’t end the same way.

The group separates into two factions, Marlo keeps going on and on, everyone wants her to shut the f*ck up as the police are now trailing them.  Porsha says “she puts the “low” in Marlo” and claims she has some dirt about Marlo, which Nene told her in confidence.  So… She will cryptically dangle that li’l carrot out there and keep it to herself, until she doesn’t.

The best part of the episode is when the ladies arrive back at the ramshackle Villa and 50-Cynt gets her wig caught in the door knocker and almost loses her wig.  As the ladies retreat to their respective cells to gather their commissary items, Porsha wanders down to Nene’s cell block.  She announces she’s feeling too beat-down and will be exiting Barcelona, stage left.  Nene gives her best try at a pep-talk, but fails.  Porsha would rather spend time with her family instead of trying to win-over this parade of unstable slut-tards.  Porsha whips out her iPhone and asks Siri to draft a resignation letter to Andy Cohen.  Nene accepts her decision and feels a bit pumped-up to step into the “big sister” role.  Who woulda thunk there are two sensitive, caring people under all that wig glue and contouring?  The more you know, the less you ho!

More you know

Next time – Marlo puts duct tape on SBS boobs for some godforsaken reason, 50-Cynt takes a ho-bath and calls it being baptized, Nene sticks her foot in her mouth regarding Prison BAE, and riots in Barcelona scare the wigs off the ladies.

Roach Motel

There’s a lot to unpack here and I feel like this is one of those “potpourri” episodes, a little of this, a little of that, some strange looking twigs, and some fragrant wood shavings that smell like an unfinished basement.  The ladies have landed in Barcelona, but it appears they have an entire day to kill because the Air BNB villa won’t be ready for check in until midnight.  Nothing good can come from this.

At this juncture, there are two very critical things happening.  First – 50-Cynt presents her “bucket list challenge” as “Addendum F” to the Friendship Contract.  Secondly – I realized I have heretofore been spelling 50-Cynt incorrectly. (I spelled it 50-Cint – don’t ask me why, because of course 50-Cynt makes total sense) DERP!  But enough about my inadequacies, let’s dive into this hot mess Barcelona bucket-list shall we?

The list has been signed, notarized, and contains an assortment of undesirable acts, such as “Pinch a man’s butt”, “take a shot with a stranger”, “eat a foreign delicacy”, “Swap personality for a day”.  As SBS calls it, “these bitches do this shit every day!”  I understand 50-Cynt is just tryna have fun, but besides her outfit, this is the dorkiest shit she’s ever pulled.

bucket list

Always on the scary shuttle ride from the airport to wherever, the women start getting’ catty and hangry.  Marlo immediately sinks her Petco choppers into Kandi and tells her that she needs etiquette lessons.  Yes people, Marlo teaches her own etiquette class at the learning annex, and I guess she’s a self-proclaimed expert on lessoning dry ladies to be more warm and welcoming.  Lesson one – Burp at the dinner table from the depths of your ghastly core whenever possible.  You want Kandi to warm up her stank face?  Give the girl some chicken fingers with dipping sauce, you’ll have a friend for life.  Nene takes the opportunity on the bus ride to openly slam Wigs-n-Cigs for not coming on the trip and runs through the list of all her lame excuses and alleged ailments.

50-Cynt has arranged for a light lunch at some breathtaking, in-between location where they will not be lodging.  The gang continues their potpourri of conversation – Kandi reveals that Nene is going on tour with her and will bust out her stand-up comedy.  Say wha?  Eva talks about her boyfriend who is running for Mayor and Shamea, in a failed attempt to stir up trouble, asks Eva if her man is okay with her dippin’ in da’ lady pond with one Missy Elliott.  Someone needs to lockdown these women from the internet.  Eva confirms that she’s strictly dickly as of now, although she took a swim or two in her youth.

The talk migrates over to Will-I-Am-An-Opportunist, but 50-Cynt is strictly team-Will.  She stands by his lies, Porsha tries to pipe up and 50-Cynt shuts her down like an illegal daycare center.  Porsha has history of spewing things out of her baby-vegan hole, such as Papa Smurf pays his waitresses in penis.  Porsha is knocked back in her place, 50-Cynt packed her backbone in her carry-on!

There is so much talk going on at the same time, this is hard to decipher, but someone asks 50-Cynt if she has licked balls or how many she’s had in her mouth.  She recoils in disgust, Porsha yells “naw that’s too close to the asshole”, whilst Kandi looks puzzled… “why, teabagging is a must!”  Scribble that one in as number #11 on the 50-Cynt bucket list!

Teabag

The ladies still have about six hours to kill, so they stroll down the streets of Barcelona like a pack o’ wild gypsies.  Shamea takes the opportunity to check off an item on the 50-Cynt bucket list of horrors and she dances in the street, which is just sad and odd.

shamea dancing

They finally arrive at the Victoria Villa, and well… it looked much better online.  It has eight bedrooms, it’s fully staffed, but it’s nowhere near the ATL standards.  We are treated to a flashback of all the five-star lodging the women have experienced over the years.  Yeah…. This shitty li’l villa ain’t gonna cut it!  Everyone is acting like RHNY Ramona, fighting over the rooms like entitled twats.  Ooops, did I type that out loud?

Nene creates a brilliant system whereby the oldest in age should be on the top floors and then trickle down to the youngins in the basement.  Nene calls a villa meeting, but Kandi is not giving up her penthouse suite with private bathroom and spectacular view of the city.  Ya’ snooze, ya’ lose.  They argue for a while longer and then retire to their rooms to put on their pajamas for a late-night dinner.  They are wearing some weird ass shit.  Porsha is wearing a rhinestone breast harness and is in the midst of an allergic reaction to her eyelash glue, so she accessorizes with shades.

Marlo is fluttering around with her crew, doing a pre-dinner shit stir.  50-Cynt is on full-blown blast for being defensive over Will and Kandi is still too dry, who cares if she’s a “MONGOL”.  Muy bien nachos!  Marlo “check my charges a f*cking dictionary”, the bitch is a straight-up MOGUL and could buy and sell yo’ dumb ass ten times!

SBS is horrified by the low-quality towels that could exfoliate a porcupine, so she decides to stir some shit up as well.  She gets Wigs-n-Cigs on speaker phone, alongside Porsha and Shamea.  SBS reveals all the shade Nene threw, and leave it to li’l dingy Porsha to tell Wigs how amazing it is that she is a “cancer survivor”.  Wigs corrects Porsha and states she never had cancer.  Oh, how quickly the wig glue has deteriorated your hippocampus and cortex.  ROLL THE SEASON ONE REUNION – Wigs, I was 90% sure I had cancer, in a Chili’s parking lot, turns out I did not have cancer, the Awesome Blossom was extra tasty that night!  ASK, BELIEVE, RECEIVE!

Wigs season 1

Wigs is so fired-up upon hearing that Nene is basically saying Wigs has suffered none of these “alleged ailments”, she starts yelling about Nene parking her Rent-a-Royce in a handicapped spot and the roaches in her bathroom.  SBS has done it again, stirred up that pot nice-n-thick.

SBS on phone

Marlo set the table nicely and placed a blonde wig at the head of the table and a crown for their “special guests”.  In an odd, random, funny moment, SBS asks Porsha to get her a “vodka and Fanta” – son of a motherless goat, who still drinks FANTA!?!?

Fanta

These bitches can’t even have a meal without quarrelling like squirrels over an acorn shell.  Nene and Marlo are starting in on Kandi, and then ping, ping, ping… everyone is receiving texts on their iPhones.  Wigs has sent everyone a text with the cockroach video taken inside Nene’s home and a photo of the Rent-a-Royce in the handicapped spot.  Nene goes off and SBS joyfully owns up to telling Wigs every-thang that Nene said on the Barcelona bus ride from hell.

It appears the fiery rage emanating from Nene’s wiglette has melted her eyelash glue and her lids are glued shut.  She goes off on, well everybody.  “CAN’T NONE OF Y’ALL STEP IN MY HOUSE AND SAY A MOTHERF*UCKIN’ THANG, ALL MY SHIT IS BRAND NEW WITH TAGS ON IN SHRINKWRAP, Y’ALL BITCHES AIN’T EVEN GOT POOLS!”  Nene cannot contain her rage, her comeback to Wigs, “she has worms in her ASS!”  Is that even like, a thing in humans?

Mic drop… Buenas noches, Dulces sueños, la cucaracha, NACHOS!  Next time – the madness in Barcelona continues, Marlo and Porsha go at it.

Reading of the Will

Hey everybody… I don’t want to spend a ton of time on the first 45 of this episode because, yet again, the last 15 are the only minutes worth our time.  I don’t know about you, but I am feeling a little unfulfilled by the dramaticus-interrupus this week.  And to top it off, we have to wait two weeks for the continuation of the dreaded “to be continued” because there’s something going on next Sunday night, I think it’s the “Pepsico Fiesta Hoe Down Bowl”, or something like that.  The entire episode is merely prep-work for the explosive “Reading of the Will”, and no dear readers, Mama Joyce has not kicked the bucket.

We start out with Porsha, hosting Wigs-n-Cigs for a professionally prepared baby vegan meal.  Wigs has been vegetarian her whole life, and you know what else she’s done her whole life?  Made her men chauffer her around like second rate Uber drivers.  Yes, Kroy is waiting in the Suburban, AGAIN!  Wigs runs out for a red SOLO cup refill and at least has the decency to bring him a tofurky dog with extra relish.  Porsha gives Wigs the low down about how evil Kenya re-appeared from the depths of Satan’s asshole during the Houston trip.  Wigs chalks it up to being exhausted, winded, and bereft from carrying on the charade of fake marriage.  While this is all going down, the paid professional vegan chef is chuckling to herself as she sneezes into their tofu-surprise.

Wigs cooking

Kandi is prepping for an “Essence Magazine, This is What Winning Looks Like, So Suck an Eggplant Porsha” extravaganza.  Kandi has Don Juan on staff and Carmon on contract, because good, bitchy help is hard to find.  Don Juan didn’t invite Porsha, but Kandi insists, she is performing a public service really.  Porsha needs a substantial example of success.  The Kandi Koated Klique is afraid it will send the wrong message and Porsha will think they are BFF status again, but no… complicated is the order of the day, and Kandi insists on the non-passive-aggressive gesture.

50-Cint and her assistant (Hold up…I didn’t even know she had or needed an assistant), are toiling away at Lake Bailey making sushi.  Mr. Where there’s a Will, there’s a shady way, is making his maiden voyage to Lake Bailey and 50-Cint wants to impress.  After Will arrives, they attempt to finish making the sushi, but bail out and opt for the gas station container of California Rolls that 50-Cint has stashed in the fridge.  50-Cint broaches the “are we dating or seeing other people” convo, and Will waves all the red flags.  He tells her he’s not dating anyone else and he wants to settle down and have a family, but if that’s what he wants at age 37, why the hell is he involved with 50-Cint?  Oh, sorry, I’m not a man… a little slow on the uptake.  Just answered my own question – he wants to take a spin in her mahogany canoe.  Sorry Will, the lake is a bit choppy today!

Nene is back this week to give us our newest, delightful cast-mate.  Eva Marcille is a former ANTM winner, she knows Nene from LA (several years, hunni), she has a three-year-old daughter, and she’s dating Michael Sterling, who happens to be running for Mayor of the ATL.

Eva intro

Across town, Kenya takes her cousin Che along to purchase some fitness equipment in an attempt to get Question Marc to spend some time at Moore Manor.  They cop a squat on a couple of rowing machines and Kenya talks about how Marc is such an “alpha-male” (translation = controlling creepo you see on those Discovery ID re-enactments).  Kenya’s had to fall back a bit and give in to Marc’s wishes – a stick shift car, making sure she has “washing powder” for the clothes, laying out his socks and underwear for the next day, and cooking frozen Trader Joe’s pasta meals in a pan to pass them off as home-cooked.  It’s a lotta work y’all!  By this time the salesman returns with his price for the weight equipment, only $6,915 and delivery by tomorrow!  She hands him Question Marc’s AMEX card, CHA-CHING!

It’s the night of the Essence Magazine Reveal Party – Don Juan is in full-force security mode – as Porsha walks in, he speaks into the walkie talkie “WARNING — WARNING – The Underground Railroad train has arrived, all armed men in the vicinity report to the station!  SECURE THE PERIMETER!  DUCK AND COVER!”

Meanwhile, Nene and Eva are en route to the party (with Gregg as their Uber driver for the night).  Eva reveals that she met Will and his girlfriend about two months ago.  A woman who is very good with Will’s daughter, and who is incidentally… not 50-Cint!  Concurrently, at the party, we see Will tell 50-Cint that he’s been single for 2 ½ years.  Ooooh, somethin’ in the buttermilk ain’t clean, but are we really surprised this dude is sketch as f*ck?

The rest of the gang is trickling in and Papa Smurf even makes an appearance.  If there was ever a time Papa should intervene and ruin 50-Cint’s life, it’s NOW!  RELEASE THE HOUNDS, PAPA!  But naw… Peter is just making an appearance to congratulate Kandi, smoke a stogie with Todd, and slam down a few free cocktails.

Don Juan starts the stage show, Wigs is holding her red SOLO cup with her teeth so she can applaud.  At what point will that cup go out of style or just disintegrate from the levels of rubbing alcohol it contains?  Todd takes the mic and makes a really awkward speech about how his wife is so wonderful, she even invited the undesirables.  Not the way to “fly above”, homie!  Don Juan announces that Kandi just booked a part in “Chicago” on Broadway, Kandi gives her thanks and she becomes emotional.

Now for the good shit, Nene tells Kandi about Will, Carmon chimes in that she has also heard on the “street” that he “has a lady”.  Eva confirms she met said “lady” a few days before Will’s relationship with 50-Cint went public.  The heathens decide that someone should tell 50-Cint privately and not in a group setting.  Kenya takes lead on this project and Nene is reeling a bit, as in – “nuh-uh, no way is she handing off this BIG SALAD and taking credit for it!”

Big Salad 2

Kenya pulls 50-Cint aside and the minions are 2.3 seconds behind her.  50-Cint takes the news well, “I completely receive this and assume it’s coming out of love and concern for me.”  Will sidles up to 50-Cint and senses she’s upset, Kenya pulls him aside and tells him what’s up.  SHOCKINGLY, he denies everything.  50-Cint turns to him, she understands they aren’t exclusive, but she isn’t going to date a man with a girlfriend.  Sorry Will, you’re a grade-A sketchball and she’s… well she’s 50-CINT!

Will is pissed that he’s being ambushed and wants to get it all out on the table, so he calls Eva into the conversation.  As she saunters up, “well, this is quite messy!” he becomes angry and defensive.  Eva waves her acrylic fingernail of justice, pulling out her cell phone “HOLD UP, because what we’re not gonna do…”  Homegirl doesn’t play, she came prepared, with receipts.  NOT TODAY PLAYA!  NOT TODAY!

Eva - Will

As this installment of “Will and no Grace” draws to a close – he contends he met Eva seven months ago, there was no girlfriend, and clearly, he is lying.  His timeline is about as accurate as the human female gestation period according to Phaedra.  Then he says something so ludicrous, I had to run TiVo back twice and still couldn’t quite translate his playa speak… “Everything was perfect until this came along and I think that hurt me because of the perfect gentleman I was to her. Thank you, because you showed me that I have to be more better at other things.”  Back away from the psychopath slowly, I implore you, ladies.

Will - Eva - Cint

Will decides to cut and run, but not without asking Gregg if he can hit the open bar first, as if he’s the keeper of the Gin.  SBS and Wigs-n-Cigs realize the real tea party is going on outside and head over to get the dirt.  50-Cint is so over this, Louboutin’s in hand, what a  waste of an outfit and a wig.

50-Cint

Porsha asks 50-Cint if she’s okay, she explains everything and says she’s too old for this shit.  50-Cint wants to know any intel, that anyone has, at any time, regarding any man she dates.  With this revelation, Porsha’s Scooby Doo ears perk up – “well since you asked….”, and this is where we are left with 50-Cint tearing up and the dreaded “TO BE CONTINUED”.

 

Next time – Mama Joyce requests a sit-down with her Wal-Mart Death Wedgie and Porsha, Marlo is planning a trip and invites Wigs.

Stuck in a Moment

Hello RHATL readers – I dunno, I feel as if this was one of those “throw-away” episodes, you know… where the entire production staff decided to take a page out of Ramona Singer’s manual for living your ultimate menopausal life — they have popped a Xanax, calmed all the way down, and phoned it in.  This is one of those eps. where all the meandering, mind-numbing conversation footage is merely prep-work for the last 15 minutes.  However, there is a silver lining in this storm, the last 15 are GOLD!

Ramona xanax

Let’s dive right into the messiness… Sooo, like, everyone who is anyone is organizing some sort of fund-raiser to help out in Houston, TX for the hurricane Harvey victims.  Via unseen footage from the “All Shade, Elephants Stampede Out the Same Dayum Way They Came In, Piss off the Energy Reader Spectacular”, Porsha invited the gang to come support her event, but she was met with long, silent, fake-eyelash blinks.  You know the ones – where the falsies are so heavy, the skanks can’t lift their lids up in a timely fashion.  Shamea of all people calls Porsha and offers to come on down, but Porsha isn’t ready to forgive her for calling out her “vasovagal legs can’t fly coach” disease in front of the Kandi-Koated Klique.

Across town, Cynthia and Kandi meet for dinner, Kenya is a no-show, which violates Addendum XIV, Section 118 (a) of the Friendship Contract!  Cynthia wants to re-hash the “Elephants Stampede, We All Wear White, Never Forget, Tip Your Energy Reader” debacle.  Cynthia feels the reader was way off, but hunni, NEWSFLASH…. your dinner outfit selection is WAY OFF – she looks like she just got roughed-up at a hoedown and she’s lucky to have made it out alive with her Walgreens flip-flops.

Anyhoo – They move on from that hot-topic and Cynthia announces she is planning her own hurricane Harvey relief efforts, but Kandi must decline by way of Riley duty and slipping Cynthia a $20K check.  Kenya calls via face-time and Cynthia must take it out in the parking lot, she comments on how Kenya is also looking a bit rough, as if she recently emerged from some “wifely duties”.  Kenya laughs, wishes her hubby existed, and then declines Cynthia’s request for Houston duty.

On our latest installment of “Love, Before, During, and After Lockup”, SBS is still reeling from her car accident so she’s hangin’ low at the Chateau and the only charitable activity she will be participating in will be accepting this daily call from Prison-BAE.  They exchange their perfunctory remarks and he reminds her to “feed Chunky”, which is not the family guinea pig.  Oh no dear reader, “Chunky” is Prison BAE’s pet name for her ass – he likes big butts and he cannot lie!

Like big butts

She fills him in about the disastrous “Elephants Extravaganza”, but Prison BAE warns, it would behoove Nene to tread her big butt lightly.  He’s got dirt, and we’re talking bona-fide, word on the street, scuttlebutt!  Everybody knows those li’l inmates gossip more than a sewing circle…isn’t that right Counselor Parks?  Ahhhhh – the shade is just too easy with this bunch!  But I digress… Prison BAE has known Nene long before his romance with SBS… apparently, Nene was pursuing him while she was collecting her Trump checks on the “Celebrity Apprentice”.  SBS can’t confirm or deny if Nene and Gregg were separated at that time, but don’t think the back-pain meds have this li’l bone collector slogging on her duties.  She will carefully place this into the “Bone-In Ribeye Remembrance” file.

Later, we see Kandi on Riley duty, which is practice driving in her $100,000 Mercedes jeep-type thingy.  Riley is driving like she owns the road and Kandi is doing typical-mom things, such as fearing for her life.  Sidebar:  Kandi seems to have an inordinate amount of contouring on her nose during her confessional.  Note to makeup artist – BLEND!

As soon as they arrive home, Block calls but cannot converse long.  He is at the hospital with baby-mama #8 awaiting the arrival of his new son.  Kandi puts Riley on the spot to talk with him, but she looks like she’d rather meet Bill Cosby for a drink than get on the phone with her father on camera.  Kandi commends Block for making an effort, but once they are inside the house, we hear Riley break down in tears.  Kandi continues to do some really good mom work here and askes to be de-miced right away.  Heart melting when we hear Baby Ace’s angelic voice call out “RIIILEEEEY!”  He’s no replacement for the adorable and sorely missed Ayden Parks, but viewers have to make sacrifices and Counselor Parks had to be put out to pasture.

So we are on the back-half of this hump of an episode… everyone who is going to Houston has arrived… or have they?  Cynthia, Malorie, Lauren, and Porsha are at day one of their event, decked out in their finest black spandex, passing out Ramen Noodles, and hugs-a-plenty!  Shamea decides to show up out of the blue, but everyone is hospitable and Porsha appreciates that they can put their differences aside for the moment.  Later, at their hotel, Shamea apologizes to Porsha for being insensitive about Porsha’s “condition” that restricts her ankles from flying coach.  They have a pillow fight and hug it out.

Cynthia is busy glamming up for her event and Porsha phones to state they are running late.  Cynthia tells them to take a bird bath, glue their wigs down, and get to the benefit concert so they can raise funds and wayward spirits!  Porsha won’t allow this to be a “mist” opportunity, she donates $5,000 to Cynthia’s event.  As they are all having a wonderful evening, the human hurricane Kenya shows up, to surprise Cynthia because she felt compelled to destroy the good vibes this crew has going for itself.

Kenya is hosting her own event with Habitat for Humanity and Cynthia immediately bails on Porsha, which is in violation of Article IV, Section 1 (a) (iii) of the friendship contract!  Porsha has been demoted to a Real Sidechick of ATL, Cynthia will not be attending her event the next day in lieu of going with Kenya.  Ugh… spineless Cynthia has returned.

Porsha has a successful event the next day, but they run out of food and she has a bit of a breakdown.  Several local restaurants are able to provide more and they ended up serving meals to over 2,000 people.  In a less peaceful demonstration, Kenya is at her Habitat event, cracking the whip and barking out orders like a drill sergeant who hasn’t gotten laid in 28 years.  Shamea plans to attend Kenya’s event in Porsha’s stead, but when she phones Kenya for directions, Ms. Daly gets her “thunderpants” in a bunch and cannot be bothered with such details.  She tells Shamea to find a volunteer, figure it out, less talk, more work, and then she relegates Shamea to trash duty upon arrival.

Cleanup crew

After all the volunteering is done, it’s time for a group dinner from the depths of hell.  The group settles in at a self-serve type barbecue restaurant and since HANGRY Baby Vegans can only eat the side salad, they finish before everyone else and start stirring the shit-pot for dessert!  Lauren kicks it off by expressing their disappointment with Cynthia, bailing on the Real Sidechicks.  Cynthia squashes the “who supported who” war and deflects the focus to the fact that people showed up and they were able to help.  Shamea mentions the ultimate rudeness that is every fiber of Ms. Daly, and you best believe Cynthia put a pin in that one!  Kenya shows up late and can’t order any food because the kitchen is closed, she can’t even have a cocktail because all they serve is beer and wine.  Shamea tries to address Kenya, but she isn’t even acknowledging that another human is speaking to her.  She keeps hollering out for water, again so self-unaware that this is a self-serve restaurant!  Because she is a former Miss USA, an off-camera staff person is bringing her several glasses of water, even with bendy straws!  Shamea calls out for a pitcher so that this THIRSTY BEYOTCH CAN GET HYDRATED AND PAY ATTENTION – PUH-LEAZE!

Pay Attention

Porsha tries to mediate, Cynthia chimes in and tells Kenya she came off as rude.  They are just about out of the woods with this petty argument, Shamea is giving it the “no big deal, I’m fine” treatment, when Cynthia brings it up again – “Shamea you’ve not fine, you’ve been talking about it the whole time we’ve been here!”  UGH, bitch I thought you was spineless!

Girl bye

At this point, Kenya storms out and we hear her talking to the producer in the bathroom – “I don’t give a f*ck about any of these mother*cking HOES!”  Porsha goes after her and Kenya flips off the camera, “THIS IS NOT A MOMENT”.  Oh, but it is, my feisty Pageant Queen!

Kenya angry

Funny side-note:  Shamea needs to use the facilities, and left with no alternative, she sneaks by into the men’s room!  Kenya leaves the restaurant and this time it’s Cynthia who tries to extinguish the rage of Satan’s asshole.  Kenya rolls down the window, tells her “it’s not a moment” and drives away.  Keep on drivin’ as far as I’m concerned, if you can’t do your job – guess what, we’ve got Eva Marcille coming next week!

eva-marcille-rhoa-season-10

The burning question of the hour is this – Where is Nene with her Petco choppers and Trump checks in all this messiness?!?!  Why has no one demanded a doctor’s note from SBS or a marriage license from Kenya?  Get with the program ladies – WE NEED RECEIPTS!

We receive a li’l preview treat of what is left to come this season – Eva Marcille of ANTM fame joins the cast next week.  Prison-BAE and Nene go to war.  Wigs-n-Cigs has a couple more face-off, wig-yanks.  Kenya actually introduces Marc, live in the flesh?  There is some dirt on Will that is “5150 cray-cray”, was he previously or currently dating Eva?  And all sorts of other too-fast-for-my-old-psyche footage!  See you next week, and in case I don’t tell you often enough – THANK YOU FOR READING!