The Show Must Go On

It’s been a few weeks since we’ve checked in with our juicy peaches, and this episode feels like the sluggish holiday aftermath.  You know the one, that feeling you get from eating nothing but sugar and cured meats for two weeks…  Anyhoo, the main theme is the PSA on domestic violence and Kenya is in the driver’s seat.  SBS saunters in with her latest wiglette from the Wigs-n-Cigs dumpster fire collection.  Seriously, someone needs to burn this wig and terminate the stylist, STAT.

SBS Wig

SBS wants producer cred on this PSA, but Ms. Moore-Daly is about to slam on the brakes and eject SBS from the passenger seat.  She offers SBS an “intern” position and I half-hoped for another “who gon’ check ME BOO!” moment, but my hopes were dashed quicker than a blink of a false eyelash.

While these two iron out the details – not much else is really poppin’ in the ATL.  Nene is dressed as Mrs. Roper, circa 1978 and welcomes Marlo for a tiny bowl of chips and jarred salsa.  These two have buried the hatchet and drafted a brand spankin’ new BFFL contract.  Marlo is twisting Nene’s bun to get her to attend a tea party, whereby they will sit Porsha down and hash out the tension.  Nene is only willing to participate if Porsha eats some crow and admits fault.  Sorry Nene, a few li’l loopholes here – first, Porsha is baby vegan and will eat no crow, and secondly you are contractually obligated to attend this fake-make-up sesh and pull your 82 specialty faces.  See BFFL contract Article IV, section K (b) 3.  BLOOP!

bloop

Cynthia is cookin’ up a frozen Trader Joe meal in a pan and Noelle drops in to throw some shade about Cynthia being too old for spin class, and she looks genuinely astonished that Cynthia even knows how to turn on the stove.  Will calls while this exchange is taking place and Cynthia turns into a flustered school girl.  He tells her he’d love to come by for what she’s cookin’, but only if there’s some turkey in there and Cynthia immediately offers up the whole Thanksgiving turkey.  Cynthia – have we taught you nothing?!  What happened to playing the field, TITTY CENT??  More on that later…

Cynthia gets a text from Marlo to invite her to the tea and as she reads it aloud, Noelle delivers the best line in all of housewives franchise history EVA – “Mom, you’re so weird!”  WORD!

Kandi and Todd are at the OLG restaurant, floating around, talking to customers, pretending to care.  Basically all the restaurant staff is related to Kandi, including Block’s daughter from another mama and 13 cousins thrice removed.  The actual OLG’s arrive and they are ready to air some grievances.  Todd takes them to the side before Mama Joyce whips out her Wal-Mart Wedgie of Death and Destruction, although a reenactment of that scene might do wonders for bidness!  Mama Joyce leads the charge and I’m not kidding you, it takes her Paleolithic eons to get out the sentence stating they don’t like the location of the hostess stand.  Aunt Bertha clutches her purse to her chest in anticipation, “we gonna be all night.”  Bertha doesn’t like the cooks wearing dirty pants with their shirts hanging out and they want the hostesses in uniforms.  It’s cute that Kandi and Todd allow the OLG to think they have actual input.  Kandi summons the Bravo intern, who can correct all these issues in a tight 15.

Later we learn that the GM of the restaurant couldn’t hack working with the dysfunctional octogenarian set, and basically Don Juan and Todd are holding things together with prayers and chewing gum.  They interview a General Manager candidate, Aaron Buggs, who arrives dressed like Urkel.  Aaron is impressive and has done his homework.  He proceeds to give them a full statistical breakdown of their unsatisfactory Yelp reviews, they all nod and smile, but Don Juan wants to know if he can handle the “intense personalities” – this means you, OLG!  Aaron doesn’t “bugg” under pressure (see what I did there?), but Todd knows that Mama Joyce “ampin’ on someone” will be the true test.

Porsha and Rickey Smiley are sniffing each other like two Chihuahuas at a dog park.  ‘Nuff said.  Marlo calls Porsha to make sure she’s attending the tea party/ambush.  Porsha wouldn’t miss it for the world, she and Marlo bonded over boogers on San Fran trip!

SBS is hanging out at the Chateau, wearing her home-made deep V cutout Wal-Mart sweatshirt, dutifully writing out her grocery list.  Kandi drops by to stir up some shit for good measure, Nene said Tyrone is a con-artist.  Well… Phacts by Phaedra!  SBS refutes Nene and Gregg both have mug shots, so glass houses and all.  Not sure why we need this scene other than to see SBS gettin’ crafty with her wardrobe.

SBS sweatshirt

It’s the day of the big tea confrontation and Cynthia’s boob flies out of her dress, hence the “Titty Cent” moniker.  Cynthia immediately exclaims that the tea tastes like vodka and cranberry and I think “now we’re gettin’ somewhere”, but this confrontation really never has lift off.  I was ready for Nene to read Porsha for filth, but a 12 year old tween has taken over her body and all she can come up with is “you didn’t text me back, TWICE!”  The Bravo intern must have forgotten to lay out Nene’s Geritol, her heart just isn’t in it.  Nene gives her the half-assed IDGAF apology and the decide they won’t be friends, EVA.

Finally, it’s the PSA shoot day, and it’s tough to snark on the last 15 minutes of the episode.  Shamea and Cynthia’s mother share their stories and it’s an emotional day for all.  Cynthia gives her mother a kiss on the cheek and tells her she is so proud… oh this gives me ALL the feels…

Cynthia mom

Kenya is getting agitated at SBS being extremely late, but when she reaches her by phone, she finds out SBS was rear ended in a car accident.  SBS already has bulging discs, but she’s a trooper and makes it to the set to deliver her lines.  The show must go on!

Next week – women sit down with a medium, and I can only hope for an electronic cigarette, repeat of Allison DuBois, a la RHBH!  Wigs-n-Cigs returns to confront Nene.

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Flirting with Disaster

What better way to kick off this week than to shop for some overpriced doors.  Yes, SBS… this means you!  What in the name of all that is good and decent are you doing spending $8,750 on one door?!?!  Which I might add, doesn’t even include a fabulous knob.  $8,750 could buy some nice commissary provisions for those prison visits, maybe even rent an hourly conjugal trailer.  If SBS wasn’t droppin’ so much coin, I am willing to bet an $8,000 door that the shopkeeper would not have stood their patiently while SBS and Porsha discussed the latest innovation in weave adhesives.  The ladies saunter off into the chandelier nook to re-hash the San Francisco treat trip and Porsha has found a juicy nugget on the internet, so you know it must be true.  Yes, dear reader, Radar Online has reported that SBS is married to her cuddly convict Tyrone.

Meanwhile, Lake Bailey is hosting Kandi and Kenya.  I love how Kandi gives Cynthia’s “cross wall” the side-eye.  The three take seats in the zen den to get down to it.  Cynthia starts with the obligatory “how are you, how was the funeral?” pursuant to section IX, 17(f) of the friendship contract.  After that’s out of the way, she zeros in with laser sharp focus to ask the hard-hitting question, are we ever gonna meet the real Marc?

Cynthia wants receipts

Kenya does the backpedal, twirl, and side-step, but eventually promises Cynthia she will produce receipts.  Speaking of questionable nuptials, Kandi flashes the jailhouse photos of SBS posing in a “wifey” tee-shirt with Tyrone, as if there weren’t enough ambiguous wedding storylines this season.  Somethin’ in the buttermilk ain’t clean.

SBS Wifey

(Photo Credit:  Straight From The A)

Porsha is on a mission to get her groove back.  How many back-alley matchmakers sporting Target knit wrap-dresses does it take to set up this twerkin’ travesty – two, yeah, it takes two baby!  Porsha drills down to what she is looking for – a man who wants a family and she is down with the swirl.  To which matchmaker #2 deadpans, “oh neat.”  The matchmakers demand a tour of the McMans in order to gain insight to what makes Porsha tick.  I can tell you right now what makes this bitch tick, a couple of field mice and some AA batteries.  The wheel may be turnin’, but the hamster is dead.  Porsha reveals two spare bedrooms for a boy and a girl and a playset in the back yard, which came with the house.  She figured she would keep it all intact for the future mini-Porsha’s, not at all creepy.  The matchmakers tell her straight up that the McMans décor will scare off the men and “make their wiener go down”.  I think the first sight of the wall o’ wiglettes in the boy’s nursery will do that on its own.

Porsha heads off for her first blind date with Patrick.  The matchmaker tells her that he’s wearing a grey jacket and jeans and this is already a fashion strike against him.  Guuuurl… she put on her best Spanx for this, he can at least put on a pair of black trousers!  In probably the funniest scene of the night, Porsha walks in to the restaurant and as soon as she sees his bald, shiny head, she does a 180 on her stiletto.  And I know what she’s thinking, if I turn fast enough, he won’t even know it was me and I can beat feet back to the McMans and be in my jammies and up to my elbow in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s by 8:30.  The Bravo Intern hiding under the hostess Pottery Barn podium springs to action and gives her a li’l pep-talk.  As in, this week’s paycheck is contingent on you enduring this unsettling blind date.  Porsha walks over to meet him, sits down, complains that it’s too hot in the restaurant, and chugs a glass of water.  In what world is this man her type?  Clearly, the matchmakers the Bravo Intern found in the yellow pages are unqualified.  Porsha deftly sets up her trap-door and as he flashes his Bugs Bunny teeth, she pulls the ripcord.  My “mom” is “staying with me” and she can’t be alone for more than 30 minutes.  Sake bombs for everyone!  What a waste of an outfit and a wig.

Porsha Dud

In Kandi news, Baby Ace is learning to swim and Kandi is trying to spend more quality time with Riley.  They go indoor skydiving and we learn that Kandi is working too much, she’s never around, and never follows through.  #GOALS!  Hey Riley, get your shit together, you little ingrate!  At least your mom is TRYING to spend time with you and all her bizznizzez will benefit you if you’re sensible.  Now go dip some chicken fingers into some honey mustard with your mama!

Cynthia stops by to see Papa Smurf in a dusty, empty lot, which is the future location of “Bar Two” in ATL.  She owns 25% of this ill-fated bidness venture, but that’s the least of her problems since she utters “Uncle Ben looks steamy enough to boil a hot pot o’ rice”.  Umm… EW!  Apparently, Bar None and Sports Done are doing well, so now Papa Smurf thinks he can take ATL.  Papa Smurf is drooling over her, undressing her with his beedy eyes, all the while she entertains his greezy innuendos.  She hints at having more percentage of ownership and is prepared for a lifetime of sickening interaction with this man if she is to recoup her losses.  Hey, somebody gotta pay da’ rent at the Bailey Agency for Wayward Models.

Later, Cynthia heads out for a sizeable boat double date with Will and Kandi and Todd.  Kandi has already Googled, deployed her OLG word-on-the-street-team, and is prepared to grill Will like a Bubba Burger.  Props to Kandi for lookin’ out for her girl… ATL has a lotta folk who fake it ‘til they makes it!  Todd keeps bringing up Peter, because apparently, he’s not fully over the divorce yet.  As if it wasn’t awkward enough in the confines of the stern of the boat, Kandi brings up the fact that Will has appeared on a Steve Harvey Show episode about dating and a reality dating show.  Will has defenses prepared, the Steve Harvey thing was a year ago and he declined the reality dating show.  We are reminded via montage of how everyone attacked Todd’s motives when he latched on to Kandi’s teet, so I guess it’s only fair.

Mama Joyce on yer ass

Kandi and Cynthia head up to the bow of the boat for some explicitly detailed girl talk.  Cynthia reveals that she and Will haven’t gotten jiggy with it yet and she fears that the sexual tension is so hot, that it’s built up too much, and it might not be good.  Kandi advises her to “check out the thickness of his hands” and that should calm her nerves and quell any misgivings.  Someone has poured Cynthia way too much champagne, or she is a really rusty dater… she proceeds to tell Will everything she and Kandi discussed.  Real smooth… 50-Cyn!

SBS finally has the sit down with her children about the domestic violence she endured while married to Bob.  At first, it’s CRICKETS.  The girls talk a bit more, they love their mom dearly and think she’s super woman, then they hug it out.  Jack Daniels arrives and gives her a gold star for completing her homework assignment.  Her cellphone rings and PRISON-BAE pops up on the display, “um, yeah, life coach… I’m gonna need to take this”.  She makes Jack wait while she talks to Tyrone, we learn that SBS and Tyrone dated several years ago, but he ghosted because he didn’t want to embroil her in his legal predicaments.  Wow, now that’s love.  Jack asks her about the call and she reveals that Tyrone is her boyfriend and, oh were does he live?  He’s in a big house, a lovely joint, Greybar Knolls Estates, a great corner lot, yard view, personal chef, home gym, state of the art security system, and all utilities and cable included!  Let’s toast, shall we, CLINK!  Jack Daniels takes a moment to process this and shake his head in haughty derision.  He cautions her about being in a fantasy land with prison-bae, it may not be all puppies and bacon after the delousing powder settles.  SBS has no fears or doubts, PRISON-BAE is her DESTI-NAE!  With good behavior, they riding down a rainbow on a unicorn in one to four years!

Next week – Kenya and SBS teaming up for the domestic violence coalition, Porsha flirts with a workplace romance, and an OLG uprising.

Reunion – Part Quatre

We pick up where we left off last week – the moment before #HouseOfCardsByPhaedra comes crashing down into a pile of messy rubble.  There is a lot of caterwauling, fake crying, shrieking, and too-little, too-late apologizing here…Parts 1 & 2 were the bread, part 3 was the mayo and mustard, now let’s get to the meat of this shit sangwich!

Phaedra has now admitted she repeated the rumor to Porsha, that Kandi hatched a plan to pull a Bill Cosby on Porsha and drag her back to her sex dungeon, and commit untold things.  With this admission, Porsha fires back at her BFF (soon to be former) – “YOU TOLD ME KANDI SAID IT TO YOU!”  This is where Kandi freaks out and a fiery hailstorm of “THE LIES, THE LIES, THE LIES!” rains down on Phaedra.

Kandi - Flip Out

Porsha starts breaking down, realizing that her BFF used her as pawn in her game to start a vicious rumor, but nobody is buying her tears.  I am not really either, considering there are no actual tears coming out of her botox-blocked ducts.  She is faking all the way and these two must have used a Groupon for some back alley acting class.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta - Season 9

Kandi is legit crying and her copper glitter makeup is in her eyes and she’s blinded.  She stumbles off stage and yells to Todd that she’s ready to “punch them Ho’s in the face!”  Now there’s a show I can get behind!

Shamea sits with Porsha trying really hard not to say “I told you so”, but she big, fat, says it anyway and this isn’t a message Porsha is ready to receive.  Porsha asks for her sister to come in and comfort her, while her BFF, partner in crime, is calmly having her curls touched up.

Everyone else is milling around backstage, they have kicked off their heels and are walking around in their pedicure lily pads.  They are ready to lay down, wiggle out of their spanx, and make some popcorn!  Kenya gets Brandon on the phone to check her appointment book – nope won’t give any f*cks tomorrow either!

Kenya - Calendar

OHAC drops in on Porsha, she feels set up, but knowing that the show must go on, he encourages her to tidy up that eyeliner and apologize to Kandi.  He heads across the hall to visit Kandi, and he says “I’m shocked”, while maintaining a cool, half-smiling demeanor, which suggests he is the opposite of shocked.  He glances at his watch… touch it up and get back on that stage.  Dance, monkeys, dance!

Dance Monkey

Phaedra’s touched up weave is all set and she creeps in to Porsha’s area saying “I’m sorry!”  Porsha is fanning herself with a paper plate she grabbed from craft services.  If she has any sense at all she will throw that friendship contract in the nearest appliance fire and run!

Porsha - fanning

The gang assembles themselves back into the insufferable semi-circle of the damned and Porsha asks Phaedra when she was going to “stop the madness” and Phaedra sits there like a clam with lockjaw and dementia.

Porsha insists that Phaedra relayed this rumor as first-hand information, but Phaedra tries to play the “you heard me wrong” card.  Kenya pipes up “here comes the spin”!  Porsha threatens to pull out text messages and receipts.  I sorta wish she would have, but then we would be into part cinq, and I really want to get on with my life.

Porsha insists her BFF maintained this information was first-hand up until two days ago.  Phaedra will not supply any explanation other than “bad judgment” and “I made a rash decision”!  Sorry counselor Parks, a “rash decision” is eating the entire cake instead of just a slice, #Don’tJudgeMe.  You don’t normally make said “rash decision” repeatedly, over a period of 12 successive weeks.  #AgainDon’tJudgeMe!

We migrate a bit away from the Bill Cosby allegations and Phaedra does cop to the “Marvin” rumor, which Kandi finds funny because Todd hasn’t even been to New York since his mother passed.  Wow, at this point Phaedra should feel like a grade-A piece of dog shit scraped from the bottom of an algae ridden pond, filled with toxic radioactive waste.  We briefly touch on the Johnnie lawsuit, Phaedra’s dabblings with Mr. Chocolate, who she claims is a man she was speaking to, but never met, and he was encouraging her.  Let’s bag the “is there hope for this friendship” segment and call it a freaking day!

At the end, OHAC presents Cynthia with a 50th birthday cake with trick candles, but we are done with tricks!  Get rid of Frick and Frack!  Well I don’t know about you, but I am exhausted, winded, and bereft!  See you next season!

Reunion – Part Trois

This week was all over the map and the only parts worth seeing was the sparkly sheen radiating from the new beard on Bob Crazy Eye and the last five minutes when we learn that Phaedra Parks is the responsible party for taking the shit stirring to a new low, not that any of us are shocked #AlternativePhactsByPhaedra!

House Hubbies – We are joined by Papa Smurf, Marvin (li’l Todd), and Bob Crazy Eye.  Bob either has a new product endorsement deal with Jheri Curl or he doesn’t understand the direction “repeat as needed”, as in, “Trim beard to socially acceptable level of crazy, apply liberally, repeat as needed.”  Bob tries to apologize to SBS again, but she ain’t buyin’ his counterfeit goods.  She has heard it all before and the door has been slammed and nailed shut on any re-kindling hopes they once had.  I don’t think she ever had any intention on getting back together with him.  I think she accidentally packed her Kandi Koated toys in a box labeled “unfinished basement” during the move to Chateau Shereé and she had a weak moment and thought she might let Bob back in the hen house.  Too little, too late Bob.  Oh, and I hope your new beard gets caught in a box fan.

Crazy eye sheen

Papa Smurf and Cynthia are on texting terms and we learn that Noelle continues her relationship with Peter and asks him for advice.  Not sure what type of advice the teen would need…how to single handedly squander your partner’s life-time earnings in two years?  How to get caught on camera giving hickeys to a waitress?  How to fail at every business venture you attempt?

OHAC asks to clarify once and for all, did Papa and Cynthia take one last lap around the pool while vacationing in Hawaii?  Papa answers, if he can’t have all of Cynthia then he wants none of her or her magnificent weave.  Good answer, considering he has clearly had several cocktails.  Cynthia discusses why the marriage didn’t work, it was one hurdle after another and she couldn’t cope with the stress.  Welcome to marriage, baby, where you too can be eternally mad and resentful!  I guess Cynthia was right, she just isn’t the marrying kind.  Cynthia reveals she has gone on one date and is starting the application process, meanwhile, Peter is drunkenly swiping right on his phone and he looks up long enough to let us know that he has a very promising prospect in his snare.

In other relationships careening off the rails, Porsha and Todd are “on pause”.  He got a job in D.C., they generally are not speaking, and they have no plans on proceeding with the baby-nup.  Papa Smurf is salivating, not only for his own peach and tagline, but he is ready to pounce like a Liger on Porsha and Phaedra.  Instead he chooses to take what little dignity he has left and walk off the stage screaming to the Bravo Intern “where the f*ck is da’ drank, DAWG…the f*ck is da’ drank?!?”  Cynthia whips out her laminated wallet card containing her divorce decree, looks heavenward, and whispers “Thank you, Jezzuz!”

SBS Bone Carrier Mess Box – SBS was titled the “bone carrier” this season because she be draggin’ allllll the skeletons outta da’ closet.  Shamea joins the insufferable semi-circle of the damned and we learn that she and Porsha have terminated their friendship contract.  Kenya chimes in a few times and nicknames Porsha “Elvis” due to her sparkly outfit and new pompadour wiglette.  Porsha snarls back with her rehearsed arsenal of zingers, “you propped up those long jugs and think you doin’ somethin’!”  “Toodles Bitch!”  “BYE WIG!”  Porsha apologizes to Shamea for not defending her when Phaedra threw her and Kandi under the bus by way of obscene hand gesture, and for anything she ever did, anywhere, at any time, that made her want to terminate their friend-nup.  Shamea accepts, but goes on record stating the Frick and Frack do not have a real friendship.  It’s merely an alliance based on convenience.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta - Season 9

At that point, Shamea and Phaedra go at it.  Shamea says that Phaedra’s navel is a li’l to the left and she should stop using Groupon for her plastic surgery.  Across the insufferable semi-circle of the damned, Kenya chortles with delight.

Through the Psychological Threshing Machine that is the Rumor Mill – We get into the vicious rumors spread about Kandi.  Kandi admits she has taken a healthy dip in the lady pond a time or two, or three or four… OHAC is a little too interested, he wants exact numbers and a pie chart!  Pun intended.

Phaedra and Porsha keep skirting the issue on semantic technicalities, but I call audible foul.  Porsha maintains she was wearing her beer goggles when she kissed Kandi, asked her to go back to her hotel room, and then engage in an oral transaction to Kandi’s full satisfaction.  Since she and Kandi can’t agree on what actually transpired, Kandi notes that she should’ve taken Porsha up on the offer just to prove the point.  Well, sometimes ya’ gotta take one for the team Kandi!

There is more inane discussion, more demonstrations of inappropriate hand gestures, including a repeat of the index finger into the circled thumb and forefinger and OHAC throws in a scissoring gesture, just for good measure.

At this point the question is posed to Porsha as to why the hell she said those defamatory things about Kandi.  She responds by waxing philosophical about how she is “journalist” at Dish Nation.  And yes, I will “air quote” that right in her lying face!  After everyone gets off the floor from falling down laughing, Porsha announces that she received a cease and desist from Kandi and cannot speak about the alleged “Kandi planned to drug me, drag me down to her sex dungeon, and then rape me with her best-selling Kandi Koated sex toy” rumor.  Porsha deploys the ultimate conversational ripcord when she turns to her BFF and politely asks Phaedra to explain why she said this was Kandi’s intention.  And BAMM!  BLOOP!  SHUT THE PHRONT DOOR!  The Liger is outta the bag.

Kandi - Flip Out

Next week is the explosive conclusion where Kandi loses her shit on Phaedra.  Phaedra has taken “throwing shade” way too far, it’s about to go down like a fat kid on a see-saw!  See you next week!

The Warm Up – Reunion Part Un

Preparation is Everything – We start out with the “8 hours earlier” montage of all the women performing their pre-reunion rituals and then strapping themselves into the hair and makeup chairs.  After a full working day later, they are cinched, taped, makeup caked, and ready to take several seats at the insufferable semi-circle of the damned.  The outfits this year don’t seem too conducive to hurling insults across the Pier One coffee table.  They really should be sporting leggings as pants.

Leggings pants

Reinforce your weaves, let’s dive into the low-lights:

Tittay Talk – the ladies spent some time at the spa this season and the girls are literally and figuratively on display tonight!  Kandi reveals that she decided to have a boob job after they finished filming.  Phaedra has an unhealthy obsession with camel-toe, but she feels this is perfectly normal because Amazon sells prosthetic camel toe.  Just because it’s for sale guuuurrrrl, doesn’t make it right.  Case in point:

Man bun

OHAC asks Cynthia if Papa Smurf met Cynthia’s rejuvenated va-jay-jay, but she denies.  They came close, but no cigar in the hot dog bun vagina.

Minding Your Manor – we revisit the battle of Moore Manor vs. Chateau Shereé.  Nothing really new to be seen here, except we learn that Kenya had some intruders at Moore Manor and ran them off with her trusty hand gun.  OHAC polls the ladies on who owns a gun, they all raise their hands except Cynthia.  SBS just got her permit.  Hang on to your wigs and Spanx ladies and gents.  These crazy beyotches be ARMED!  I can hear Phaedra now, “but officer, this is my medicinal sawed off shotgun.”

SBS clears up the misconception that she isn’t living in the Chateau, but Kenya says she drives by, en route to her daily deeds of doom and destruction, and she never sees lights on.  Well duh, a home with no appliances needs no electricity!  Although she would need the air compressor for her mattress…hmm.  Anyhoo – Kenya admits she went into the basement at Chateau Shereé at prompting by producers to be purposefully shady.  The arguing ensues and SBS reveals that Kenya didn’t provide a port-a-potty for her contractors and they had to poo and pee in the gully.  Explains the foul odor about a quarter-mile circumference around Moore Manor.  SBS tops it off with some “true tea” about Kenya having a rich African married man giving her money for the down payment on Moore Manor.  Kenya stands firm, she is self-made and pays her own way 100%, via her earnings from the “Dubai Date Book”?  How do we get in on this Dubai Date Book, can we order from Amazon alongside our prosthetic camel toes and synthetic man buns?  Asking for a friend…

Frienemies – Phaedra let Kenya back in her life a pinch and suffered the dire consequence, as predicted.  Phaedra brings up text-gate 2002, while SBS settles up all the bets on when exactly Kenya/Phaedra friendship would free fall into a fiery abyss.

Cynthia weighed in and didn’t really like Kenya’s divorce party either, but she didn’t feel it warranted Phaedra’s, I’m sick and in desperate need of ginger-ale, and while I’m at it I’ll bring up some old wound I said I forgave, but not really, OMG you triflin’ beyotch textin’ my huzzzband who has now been in jail for two years and whom I am divorcing, and who is now engaged to his prison-pen-pal-in-a-box, OH LORT why do I care anymore, I just don’t know, I just need this dayum Bravo paycheck, over the top reaction.  Kenya claims Phaedra is living two lives, Southern Belle public face and Freak HO on da’ streets.  Bottom line, Phaedra has turned into an asshole of epic proportions and she needs to be canned.  Although, Ayden should have his own show where he just says things at random for 22 minutes.

Anger Mis-Management – Porsha addresses her tremendous progress, while SBS and Phaedra steady her to prevent a Defcon 4 melt-down.  Now that Porsha is an expert in how to emote and not get arrested, she hints that Kandi has her own anger management issues and could benefit from some therapy.  As Porsha lectures, Kandi cracks up in her face.  Guuuuurrrrl, when you gonna learn?  Kandi is fresh outta f*cks to give.  She doesn’t need the Bravo paycheck or your triflin’ ass telling her she’s a rageaholic.  There’s some more caterwauling between the two, but I’ve grown tired and disinterested.

Dieter tiresome

Since this is just part one of 987, I’m gonna save up my energy for when we get to the uncontrollable sobbing and storm offs.  See ya’ next week!

Tasty Sides

It’s the typical, let’s try and smooth out some of these frayed edges, but set up something semi-explosive, penultimate episode.  There are a lot of things still under construction here, so let’s break it down!

Chateau Shereé is still under construction, but it looks like SBS has at least moved on to the outside of the house.  Kenya pops by in her Bentley, but SBS won’t let her past the gate.  Keyna laughs at the 80 bulldozers driving around on the grounds and hardly believes this shack will be move-in ready anytime soon.  SBS extends an invite to her housewarming and sends her neighbor back to the other side of the bog.

Later, SBS and her children are packing up her condo and SBS is astonished at the amount of half-empty liquor bottles in her kitchen cabinets.  Her kids are no help as she slings their belongings into boxes.  As SBS sits down to deflate the final air mattress, she reflects…lesson learned here, never depend on anyone for anything!  Somewhere, Crazy Eyed Bob is crying in a pool of his own sweat.

Cynthia is ready to touch up her edges and move on with her life.  The first 50 years, Cynthia Bailey lived to please others, but now it’s her turn, the next 50 years are all about her!  How long you plannin’ on livin’, guuuurrrl?  Kenya calls and delivers the news that Papa Smurf is in town and creepily driving by their former marital home.

It’s Phaedra’s “burfday” and her BFF, Porsha has planned a two-person party, and what doesn’t scream “LET’S GET TURNT ALL THE WAY UP” like a tray of cold cuts, champagne, and matching Frick and Frack onesies!

Phaedra snackin

These two jump around in their onesies and Phaedra gets “Porshafied”.  Porsha starts putting various wigs on Counselors head, sidebar:  the blonde bob looks surprisingly good on her.  They settle on a black beach wave and retire to the love seat to talk trash.  Phaedra had no intention on attending the OLG opening and her friendship contract with Kandi is officially null and void!

Frick Frack

The OLG restaurant is teetering on the precipice of the extremely soft-opening.  Kandi is taking a final look over Todd’s accomplishments, or lack thereof.  Todd is promising he will get to everything in the next 24 hours, including selecting uniforms, calling in the ultimate dusting crew, installing the A/C units, and creating a menu.  But wait, HOLD UP – the outdoor patio is set up with orange folding chairs instead of the decided-upon accent color yellow chairs of non-folding variety.  Turns out Todd made an executive decision, found a deal on the Halloween party section of overstock.com.

Let’s face it, the OLG restaurant is a ramshackle disaster.  They have dust that would rival Chateau Shereé, the wall art is still printing on the ink-jet, and the CO2 vendor just called and won’t have the canisters delivered until next year.  Kandi and Todd take five, never mind that he hasn’t showered in over a week, he assures her the restaurant will be ready!  She asks how far over budget they are and he reveals $100K over, but Kandi doesn’t even bat an eye ‘cuz she so dayum rich, however she’s ready to burn down the whole operation over those orange folding chairs!

The day of the opening, Todd picks up Papa Smurf at the airport and they conveniently receive a call from inmate, Apollo, the fungus we never knew we wanted.  He wishes he could be there, but he will send his new prison pen-pal beyotch for support by proxy.  Peter asks how he already has a new woman, Apollo retorts, “sometimes you gotta upgrade” – yeah, I guess, if an “upgrade” is a woman who is willing to accept side-piece status as your mugshot is being splashed across the world wide web.  During same three-minute phone call, Apollo drops the news that his divorce isn’t official yet.  This isn’t really earth-shattering, but it casts shade over Counselor Parks, lying again about her status.

Smurf driving around

The pressure is on, Todd has about 30 minions scurrying around hanging pictures, sweeping, and breaking brand new glassware.  This place is literally held together with prayers and chewing gum.  The guests start to arrive and I caught a close up of the specialized drink menu, I think the “Mama Joyce Sour Wedge” is sure to be a best-seller!

We have a series of hella awkward events, Papa Smurf strolling in, Todd making Kandi sing a verse of “I Fly Above” without music, and of course Phaedra’s marked absence.  Perhaps the most awkward moment of the night goes to Apollo’s new girlfriend, Sherien, she walks in and of course Todd and Peter are stationed at a table by the door.  They make their introductions and Todd asks how they met.  She and Phaedra do have one thing in common, giving vague, non-committal answers.  “We found love, leave it at that!”

Todd takes Sherien over to the ladies, who are sitting in a private room, and he introduces her as the “soon to be Mrs. Nida, who is ready to knock your Spanx off”.  Sherien reveals that she had known Apollo for many years and “wifey wasn’t around, so I was”.  Kenya cackles at this news, especially considering the Counselor spewed her seven-year old vitriol on her in Maui.

Sherein

Conveniently, Sherien gets a prison call from Apollo and Kandi’s face indicates she is feeling increasingly uncomfortable.  Apollo makes sure to blurt out that his divorce isn’t final and everyone pretends to be stunned at this unsettling turn of events.  Kandi sets Apollo straight and feels this is “messy”, she makes it clear that she had no idea that Sherien was in the picture.  Sherien waltzes out, as if to say “my pot-stirring work here is done!”Convenient

Next week on the finale, the lawsuit against Kandi escalates and Kandi confronts Phaedra about it, the return of Block, Chateau Shereé is finally open for bidness, but Kenya susses out an unfinished wing of the Chateau, and the return of Wigs-n-Cigs.

Baby-Nope

Cynthia is prepping for another Cargo fashion show.  Momager SBS, and her soon to be compensated if it kills her son, Kairo, show up to rehearse modeling backpacks, and like walking and stuff.  Kairo has never runway walked, and saying his strut leaves a little to be desired is an understatement.  Let’s start by trying walking in a straight line, shall we?  SBS starts her shit again about compensation after Cynthia has already given her a HARD NO for the tenth time!

The day of the actual fashion show, Kairo is MIA and Cynthia phones momager only to receive some triflin’ excuses about being stuck in traffic.  He strolls in 45 minutes before show time, but Cynthia had to hock her backbone in order to pay the venue rent and she lets the unprofesh behavior slide.  SBS can’t stop bitching about the venue, it’s underground, she hears water and thinks they are all going to drown in raw sewage, and where is the air conditioning?!?!  The only sewage in this venue is the BS coming out of SBS’ mouth.  Can we get a NY Housewives crossover here?  Where is Bethany when you need her?Bethany shut up.gif

Frikkin’ Bob Crazy Eyes is schvitzing like a farm animal.  Despite the chaos, the li’l rinky dink fashion show comes off without a hitch.  Kairo has the “dead in the eyes, walking around shirtless with my backpack” model face down pat.  Pump your brakes, boy, there will be NO COMPENSATION!

Crazy eye sweating

Meanwhile, across town, Porsha is downloading the latest Baby-Nup template from Microsoft.  She gets Counselor Parks on the horn to run it by her, but alas, her BFF thinks she is balls on nuts crazy.  Porsha needs a baby like Phaedra needs a psychotic ex-huzzband chasing her around the garage while wielding a live power drill.  Besides, baby daddies are just “so yesterday!”  Porsha urges the Counselor to have an open mind, but Counselor Parks gives her the best dayum advice anyone could, “Close your legs to fake TV boyfriends, guuuurrrl!  Okay, when Counselor Parks is the unlikely voice of reason, honey you know your shit is f*cked up!  Porsha won’t listen, so Counselor Parks takes a stronger approach, she shares a cautionary tale of a “hot dog bun vagina”.  It will be so big, “like having a cookout in your pants.”  Porsha thinks she must be playin’ and gets Phaedra to agree to look over the document, but Phaedra fakes some interference on the phone and then drops the call.

Later, Porsha springs the 52-page agreement on Todd and hopes he will check the boxes and sign away his sperm, his Twitter and Instagram rights, and all future paychecks.  Todd must have a loose moth in his closet, he has holes all over his shirt.  And you wanna be her baby daddy?  He thumbs through the agreement and snaps, calling it EXTORTION!  The joy from staring at her bosom has drained from his face, this is a one-sided agreement that only benefits Porsha.  She tries to dissuade him by stating he can red-line the agreement and get back to her.  He won’t look her in the eye and it seems to be a deal breaker.  I think this fake TV relationship is over.  Burn it down with the friend contract.

Kandi and Baby Ace pop in for a visit with Mama Joyce and the OLG.  Todd is still workin’ away at the restaurant and it’s sorta coming together, they may open by 2029 if they can make good time, but don’t expect any profits, anytime soon, or ever.  The OLG inquires about the Hawaii trip and they joke about not being invited “cause we would eat them HO’s alive”.  Now there’s a Bravo producer mandated group trip from hell that I can get behind.  As they start to get their grub on, I cannot help but wonder why in the hell they are eating out of Styrofoam to go containers.  Dayum Kandi, withdraw some of that “No Scrubs” cash, get down to the Costco, and buy yo’ mama some descent Chinet compartment plates!

Phaedra pops over to the lake house to visit Cynthia and she looks like she fell ass backward into the clearance bin at Forever 21.  Someone get this woman a stylist and a mirror, STAT!

Phaedra outfit 2

They take a seat on the sectional, which Cynthia reveals she purchased from Kenya.  Phaedra hits the deck, Matt has likely planted a tracking device and may show up and bust out all the windows at any given moment.  They get down to the divorce talk and Cynthia asks her if the rumor is true, is the divorce from Apollo final?  Counselor Parks is clearly irked that her BFF, Porsha, leaked the news.  Cynthia wanted to be in the know, so they could share the experience and swap divorce and coupon clipping tips.  Phaedra claims her divorce is final…OR IS IT?  Insert dramatic DUN DUN DUN here!

DUN DUN DUN

Phaedra felt that Kenya’s divorce party theme was insensitive and evil.  Cynthia pushes her to forgive, it was supposed to be a fun li’l shindig where they cut up and ate penis cake.  Let’s not forget kissin’ dicks on the wall!  Lesson learned, don’t threaten Phaedra with a good time!

In other Phaedra, I wear my clothing seven sizes too small, news…she takes Kandi’s former assistant, Johnnie and his chin scratch, to meet with a leading employment attorney.  If Kandi and Phaedra ever had a chance to be friends again, that hope was single-handedly dashed in this scene right here.  Johnnie discusses his potential case regarding COMPENSATION and for Kandi ripping off his rando thoughts like “open a restaurant themed after your surly aunts” or “write a play based on Kandi’s life”.  This whole scene is off, like an after-school special gone horribly awry.

Johnnie attorney

As we wrap up this lackluster episode, Kenya takes her dogs shopping for their birthday and invites Matt since he’s the puppy daddy.  Dayum, should’ve downloaded that puppy-nup template!  Matt sits Kenya down to discuss their relationship and all the ways Kenya has done him wrong.  She ain’t havin’ it and walks out, but production is quick on their feet and they chase them out into the stairwell.  Matt becomes unhinged and tells her she will be single and miserable and he’ll be in jail.  He brings up some sort of illicit friends with benefits breakup sex, which allegedly took place in his truck, but she doesn’t really acknowledge it.  He has a complete breakdown, which is difficult to watch.  She finally tells him that she is sorry she hurt him, but they are over.  I cannot even begin to unpack what is going on here, but they need to wagon him off in the rejection SUV, equipped with the Bravo psychotherapist and some sedatives!

kenya comfort matt

Next week, Frick and Frack have a pajama party for Phaedra’s birthday, the OLG restaurant is open for friends and family bidness, and will the future Mrs. Nida please stand up?!?!

Restoration Station

We are picking up where the crazy train threw us from the tracks – discombobulated, weary, and reeling.  Kandi is trying not to choke Porsha out, save that for the sex dungeon antics.  Kandi hasn’t been this far off the rails since the ill-fated pillow talk party.  Phaedra, of all people, tries to calm Kandi down, but her “at the end of the day”, catch-all, calamity management tactic is not working.  Kandi, Kenya, and Cynthia flee the scene for some well needed beauty rest, while the others stay behind to continue the parade of unstable sluts.

The next day, Kandi has a speed boat trip planned and she phones Phaedra to inform her that Porsha is persona non-grata and tasks her second mortal enemy with delivering the un-vite.  For someone who lost their shit the night before, Kandi looks hella rested and fresh.  Meanwhile, across the hall, Porsha and Todd are discussing their plans for the day and Porsha thinks she will be frolicking and cavorting about with the gang as if nothing happened.  Phaedra pops in, barely dressed, bragging about her swimsuit she has owned since she was 18.  Umm, this brings up several ponderings… 1)  The effing swimsuit doesn’t fit you in any way, shape, or form,  2)  If she has owned the swimsuit since she was 18, how in the hell does the elastic (already gripping for its last breath of life) not have dry rot?  3)  If you are tugging at your swimwear while saying the words “my booty keeps eating this swimsuit”, IT DOESN’T F*CKING FIT AND IS WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE.  We are treated to a montage of Phaedra’s freak nasty vacation wear over the years – hey guuurrrl…you do you!  And with that, Phaedra un-invites Porsha and Todd from the festivities and they are relegated to a beachside couple massage.

Phaedra swimsuit

Todd’s masseuse is squeezing his brain, maybe trying to jam some common sense back in there.  The pair goes on and on about how great the day is and a wind gust blows their umbrella down, interrupting their zen moment.  They head down to the beach and Todd spies with his little eye another couple getting married.  He teases about grabbing the preacher and getting hitched, but no shirt, no shoes, no ring, NO DICE.

No dice

The rest of the crew travels to the boat ride in two separate cars.  In car one, Papa Smurf informs Kandi that he stayed at the dinner table of doom for another hour, mainly gettin’ his drink on and soaking up the gossip.  Porsha is throwing the “bullied” word around again, which firms up Kandi’s decision to ax her from the events of the day.  We see that Kenya was consoling Kandi after the dinner, citing that Porsha “doesn’t have a pure, moral fiber in her body, so let that go.”  When Kenya Moore is your unlikely voice of reason, honey, you know your shit is f*cked up!

In car two, Phaedra continues defending her BFF in an indirect way.  “We don’t know what is a lie or what isn’t a lie!”  Really Counselor Parks?  Oh damnit all to hell, why at this stage in the game would we expect more from you?  Everyone continues to comment on how Cynthia and Peter are getting along famously and Cynthia admits in her camera interview that she may consider “one last lap around the pool.”  Maybe Phaedra will loan you her 25 year-old swimsuit from the Venus porn collection so you may seduce your soon to be ex-husband.

Anyhoo, Kenya points out that Cynthia and Peter’s divorce is imminent and SBS notes that she and Bob never could’ve gone on a trip together after they split.  Bob reminds SBS that they were driving in Las Vegas and SBS fell asleep in the car.  He considered taking her seatbelt off and slamming on the breaks “so she can fly her ass through the window.”  Kenya stares at him, completely shocked and mortified.  Bob claims he never hit SBS and she give shim the side eye.  He asked if he ever choked her and she confirms, to which he replies “if I did I’m sorry, maybe I didn’t choke you hard enough.”  Way to make a car ride uber-uncomfortable for all involved.  SBS starts getting emotional, which is the first time we have seen her cry in the history of ever.  Kenya crawls over the seat to comfort SBS while Phaedra gives Bob the evil eye and hisses at him repeatedly to apologize.  He tells SBS he never wants to be the one making her cry, and he reaches over to her like a swift, effective killing machine.  This isn’t even half of a half-assed apology, take about 100 steps back, Bob!  Be careful not to slip on your own sweat, we’d hate to see you break a hip.

SBS upset

All aboard the speedboat, which is aptly named “INSANE.”  The gang is treated to a wild ride and they are soaked with ocean water.  Everyone starts freaking out about their weaves, except for Kandi, Kenya, and the men.  Phaedra is barking that she has been Bamboozled, hoodwinked, and soaked.  I cannot help but wonder how she remained supported in that backwards, suspender, tangled up, hot mess of a swimsuit.  Later, they all sit down for dinner and the talk goes back to the night Porsha came on to Kandi like a nine-fingered hooker.  Papa Smurf wants the smutty deets on the make-out sesh, but Kandi doesn’t really entertain him.  Phaedra decides this is the opportune moment to introduce her idea of having a spiritual restoration service for everyone, and they need it ASAP ‘cuz they NEED JEZZUZ NOW!  They all stare at her blankly, but they will all be there because it is written into addendum number 2,137 of their Bravo contract.

Phaedra sets the stage for the restoration, she lays out the boxed wine and Porsha shows up with a box of Cheez-It Grooves.  Kandi walks in with her attitude and Phaedra offers Kandi some wine, which is stupid because EVERYBODY KNOWS Kandi doesn’t partake.  Everyone else arrives around 11:17 p.m. – perfect time for everyone to restore, when they are over tired, tipsy, and suffering from severe sun stroke.  Dr. Martin Luther Pahedra starts out the restoration and they discuss the abuse argument between SBS and Kenya.  Porsha is sitting in the corner waiting her turn and she is guarding that box of Cheeze-It Grooves with her life.  Kenya and SBS go at it like wild lemurs for a few minutes, then Phaedra intervenes and they chalk it up to a misunderstanding.  Phaedra opens the floor for anyone else to discuss their issues and it’s dead, awkward silence.  Porsha finally speaks up, but Kandi cuts that shit off at the knees.  She wants to be clear, she isn’t upset because she gives a f*ck about Porsha.  Kandi has supported Porsha more than anyone in the group – through her divorce, through her aspiring, horrifying singing career, all of it.  All Kandi did was say that Porsha used to run with her ex, Block, which was true.  Porsha flipped out and threw Kandi under the bus with her vicious lies.  Porsha continues to justify her response and basically admits she made it all up because she was mad.  Porsha also decides that she thinks Kandi should apologize to Phaedra for saying she was talking to multiple men before Apollo went to jail.  Phaedra slips and says “it wasn’t like I was talking to him”…Kenya immediately picks up on the Freudian slip.

restoration failure

Kandi is willing to offer an apology for insinuating that Phaedra called the FEDS and ratted them out for holding Apollos possessions in her garage, but that’s the end of the line, restoration station…the train stops here.  Cynthia is pissed, it was a waste of an outfit, makeup, wig, and eyelashes…and her gluten intolerance doesn’t permit her to enjoy the Cheez-It Grooves!

The next day, Bob invites SBS to a jewelry store to purchase a diamond ring that looks like a Pringle potato chip and laugh in her face again about some extremely painful memories.  SBS can’t deal with his continued joking about how he was an abusive, sweat-soaked, psychopath.  He claims that his laughter on the matter is a defense mechanism to keep from crying.  LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!  I think we have finally uncovered the source of Bob’s profuse, medically concerning, sweating problem.  The liquid constantly draining from his body is actually the un-cried toxic tears of rage and regret.  Bob, we implore you…let that shit flow out of your crazy ass eyes!  SBS walks out on him, after she has to wrench her arm out of his savage grip.  As she walks out, he says “I’m not laughing”, as he laughs and mops the ancient tears escaping via his forehead with an old gym towel.  SBS hits the road and has an important epiphany, Bob failed the maybe we could get back together test and she dodged a bullet!

Next time, Cynthia and Peter edge closer to taking that final lap around the pool, the girls throw a divorce party for Phaedra, SBS and Bob go at it again, and Kenya and Phaedra go at it.

Returns with Receipt

Kandi and Carmon fluff the pillows to prep for a gossip sesh with the crew, sans Frick and Fraud.  Kandi has also summoned Shamea, so they can get everything all the way out on the table.  Kandi springs the news that Porsha kissed her and offered an oral transaction to Kandi’s full satisfaction.  Cynthia starts screaming, Shamea is chugging from her red SOLO cup, SBS asks “tongue kiss?”, and Kenya falls off of her chair laughing hysterically.

Shamea chugging

SBS sees that Porsha is taking the fall for Phaedra, who was the instrumental in revving up these outlandish rumors, but more importantly, SBS cannot quite wrap her top knot around the fact that Porsha may be a “carpet muncher”.  Kandi continues and lays out another claim made by Porsha pertaining to Kandi and Todd (a.k.a. Marvin) allegedly planning to drug Porsha and Shamea and drag them back to their sex dungeon.  SCREAMING. JESUS. ON. A. FERRIS. WHEEL!  This is a new li’l nugget since last week, and I can understand why Kandi is pissed.  This is her reputation on the line, her family, and not to mention that Kandi doesn’t use drugs or alcohol.  Porsha’s anger management is failing her miserably.  She is still attacking people, but now in different form.

Cynthia freaking

Meanwhile, across town, Li’l Porsha carts a cooler full of her latest cleansing drink over to her sister’s house to rehash and garner support.  Porsha claims she was on beer goggles x 1000 and “blames it on da’ Henney!”  Okay, so you admit you were blind, stinking drunk, but can now clearly recall all these sordid details?  Maybe this lemonade/cayenne pepper cleanse is disrupting her memory, someone get this girl a carbohydrate, STAT!

The next day, Kandi and Todd are workin’ on the OLG, she is hoping to launch in about a month, and Todd has finally showered and changed his clothes.  Kandi is feeling a bit overwhelmed so she decides a trip to unwind with all of her mortal enemies is in order!  Todd, being fully familiar with the Bravo mandated trips of horror formula, invites Papa Smurf and Bob “crazy eyes” Whitfield.  Hell, why don’t you shoot a group text to Matt, Walter, and Kordell while you’re at it?  Maybe Apollo can get a furlough?

In other boring, filler news, Kenya takes her brother, niece, and nephews out for dinner.  The kids head into the bathroom to wash their hands while Kenya informs her brother about Matt’s latest antics.  She hasn’t seen Matt since Charlotte (they are on a break) and she is still making excuses for his violent behavior.  Her brother points out that she doesn’t have time to wait for him to mature and real-life relationships don’t get “breaks”.  So now we see who received the “voice of reason” gene in her family.

Cynthia and Kandi invite Phaedra out for some fish tacos – can we find the irony here?  Kandi invites Phaedra on the trip and informs Cynthia that Papa Smurf will be tagging along.  Cynthia is okay with the arrangement, she will have her own room and maybe she can get her nineteenth dose of “closure”.  I am not sure how much “closure” this woman needs, but it’s beginning to sound like “closure” is their code word for “booty call”.  Phaedra is a li’l wary because that is where she and Apollo honeymooned, so naturally she needs her security blanket, BFF Porsha.  Cynthia asks Phaedra what she thinks about all the Kandi chatter, but Phaedra doesn’t have “a cock in this fight”, so she is happy to sit back and watch her BFF go down like a fat kid on a seesaw.

SBS meets up with Bob “Crazy Eyes” Whitfield, for a quick prison work out.  Meaning upper body only, no bending over or squatting.  Before he even does his first bicep curl, he is sweating like a farm animal.  SBS invites him, his extra strength anti-perspirant, and his compression socks to Maui, but they will not be shackin’ up.  SBS feels the trip will be a good test to see if they can travel together without it being a cluster f*ck.

Phaedra and Porsha meet at a back-alley spa so they can shed some fat cells prior to flaunting their cellulite in Maui.  Porsha shows up looking like she just tumbled out of the 70’s porn section of the local costume shop.  The spa ladies wrap up Phaedra in some used Hefty garbage bags and then swaddle her in an electric blanket like a burrito.  Shit girrrrl, you coulda done this at home!  After Phaedra slithers out of her Hefty bags, she throws on some props to perform a hula dance for Porsha and invites her on the trip.  Porsha hesitates, but then remembers her Bravo contract requires her to attend all of the group trips from hell.  Have Bravo paycheck, will travel!

Phaedra Hula

Everyone is arriving at the airport, but Porsha thinks Hawaii is out of the country and is apparently lost on the underground rail road.  Eventually everyone arrives at the Four Seasons Maui and they disperse to their respective rooms to prepare for the dinner of doom, despite their severe jet lag.  Todd tells Kandi he is not looking forward to dinner “cuz that’s where y’all pop off”.  Spoken like a true former producer!

Porsha arrives at dinner with her own plus one, her new-sorta-kinda-boyfriend/booty call plus program, future baby-daddy, Todd.  Everything is awkward and quiet and Kandi goes into prayer, “Please Jesuzz…don’t let me snap off on dis’ beyotch!”  SBS and her top knot ain’t havin’ it, she breaks the ice and recommends that everyone get their crap out on the table.  She confronts Porsha first about saying slanderous things, but Porsha is sticking to her story.  The conversation escalates quickly and Cynthia points out that Porsha has said many damaging things to the ladies, but doesn’t have receipts to back it up.  Porsha throws a snide dagger her way “your divorce decree is your receipt!”  Well, Kandi don’t play, she comes at the lying bitch with both barrels and produces semi-glossy, full-color, handouts for the group.  A screen shot of the text from Porsha a few days after the aggressive lesbian propositioning.  The text is basically Porsha admitting things got crazy and what happens in Queens stays in Queens – she will deny, deny, deny.

Porsha text msg

Phaedra waves her prayer cloth around in an effort to calm everyone down, but she hears about the latest drugging accusation and is relegated to take several seats.  Kandi tells Porsha she will sue her if she keeps her shit up.  Papa Smurf tries to calm it down, but Kandi is Vaselined up and ready to thunder punch Porsha in the throat.  To be continued…

Next week, Phaedra brings up her idea of holding a “restoration service come to Jesuzz” sesh for the ladies, Kandi and Phaedra face off, SBS and Kenya get into it, and Bob Crazy Eyes and SBS confront their physical abuse rumors.

Tongue Lashing

It’s the last day of Glamping and Kandi has arranged for she and Hazel to ghost the scene via Uber, she is all the way over it and won’t be setting foot on the party bus from hell.  The rest of the assholes pile on the flaming party bus of horror, everyone appears hung over as hell from a combination of Hennessey, emotions, and burnt marshmallows.  Except SBS, who is as alert as a kitty cat and appears to have snuck in an extra bicep workout in the a.m.  Kenya starts the shit, asking Porsha how she feels after getting her head blown off the night before.  Porsha has owned up to throwing shade, even though it took her awhile to admit, but she laughs it off as if it was all in good fun, a prank if you will.  Sorry Porsha, a prank is putting Vaseline on someone’s phone earpiece, or taping down the handle to the spray attachment on the kitchen sink.  To make matters worse, Counselor Parks still claims ignorance, stating “I was not part of those conversations”.  SBS doles out a heavy dose of stink eye, this is far from over.

own-your-shit

Cynthia arrives home to the lake house and for some reason decides to inform her daughter, Noelle and her assistant, Vikhe about the lesbian gossip and that Cynthia may also be a lesbian according to her cohort’s definitions.  Cynthia admits to experimenting, which she defines as “kissed a girl, or if a girl has kissed you in places.”  The word “places” causes Noelle, (as well as myself), to shudder and Noelle is about to die of embarrassment and seeks solace in Vikhe’s bosom.  I hope that doesn’t make Noelle a lesbian!  OY VEY, these ladies are so stupid, inappropriate, and politically incorrect!

To further confirm that they are “strictly dickly”, Kenya invites Cynthia and Malorie to the medical spa to treat Cynthia to a vaginal rejuvenation.  Kenya runs down the benefits, not that she would know or need such a procedure.  Cynthia really needs a laser carrying the heat of 1,000 suns jammed up her hoo-ha, she will be tight and right and will acquire the ability to pop an orgasm while taking a small speed bump in her Land Rover.  Cynthia asks the good doctor about the side effects, which are “extra juices for a few days”.  Throw on a panty-liner and hang on to your wigs and keys – life as you know it is about to change!  They throw a fuzzy blanket from the Target Home collection over Cynthia’s knees and get to work.  Cynthia has visions of flowers and butterflies until the red-hot laser makes contact with her vaginal walls.  The smell of her burning innards permeates the room and they all want to vomit.

After Cynthia is on the mend from her vagina resurfacing, she sits down with her partner at the Bailey Agency Skewl of Fashion for Wayward Models to plan a fashion show debacle for her new Cargo line.  She is going out on a limb and inviting SBS to stop by and discuss the possible involvement of Kairo.  Before SBS arrives, Cynthia has just enough time to explain to her partner that SBS has some lofty expectations that must be crushed like a paper cup!

crush-you-paper-cup

SBS transforms into “Momager” mode with a dash of psycho as soon as her ass hits the vinyl seat.  She wants compensation and free product.  Cynthia informs her there is no paycheck and he will receive one backpack and the priceless exposure.  SBS pushes for two backpaks, but Cynthia ain’t budging.  Cargo is a small company and those Mexican sweatshop workers can only sew so fast.  SBS lays down further demands, Kairo can only work on weekends because he’s in school.  Cynthia has to restrain herself from laughing, imagining how far she would have gotten if she had gotten Calvin Klein or Ralph Lauren on the horn and told him she could only work at 2 p.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays after her Chem Lab.  She urges Momager to allow Kairo to make the decision, but SBS emits a hearty chortle and says he will do what she tells him.

Across town, Kandi gathers her staff at the Kandi Factory and they sit in the obnoxiously oversized pleather chairs to hear the latest gossip Porsha is serving.  Kandi admits that on one drunken evening, Porsha kissed her and offered to perform an oral transaction to Kandi’s full 100% satisfaction.  Don Juan hurtles into outer space at hearing this news.  Clearly Porsha has graduated from wearing her water wings when it comes to the Lady Pond.  Kandi had kept the encounter between them on the DL for years, besides it was a fun night and they went to the Waffle House afterwards.  What could be better?!?!  Well, Porsha done f*cked up, now, the cat is outta the bag and Kandi won’t be holding back.

Later, there is a short bit where Kandi takes Riley to the studio to record a new song.  She wants Riley to pour her anger toward Block into a song and turn that pain into some serious coin.  Riley looks like she would rather have a back alley Brazilian wax than be at this studio.  Of course, Block never came through after his latest promises to visit with Riley, SHOCKING.  This song will not be a hit.  I repeat.  THIS IS NOT A HIT.  Sorry Riley, you can’t sing like your mama, stick to what you do best, sulking around like a moody pre-teen.  You’ll have plenty of time to mismanage your anger due to daddy issues when you reach your 40’s.

Counselor Parks arrives at her lawyer’s office and they show her getting out of her Mercedes and walking up to the office in slo-mo, ‘cuz everybody knows, Phaedra is a straight up G!  The lawyer informs her that the judge signed the order and the divorce is final!  Phaedra runs down her checklist of psychological damage control measures, which she must deploy tout de suit!  The lawyer then informs her that the court only served Apollo, they do not notify him of the outcome, so our good Counselor is tasked with delivering that fun li’l nugget of information.  Bring a power drill and a bucket o’ hinges for him and hopefully he will remain clam.  As Phaedra slips off her wedding ring and beats feet to “CASH 4 GOLD”, we are treated to a flashback of all the disgustingness that was Apollo.  Complete with the pickle photo shoot, sucking face like rabid otters in public, Apollo blatantly flirting with Kenya, and we cannot leave out the garage freak out of terror.  Have fun dropping dat bomb, Counselor Parks!  I sure hope commissary stocks popcorn in the vending machine on visiting day!

Later Phaedra drops by Porsha’s new multi-million-dollar home and she comes bearing Hennessey to see if Porsha will take a few shots and then offer up an oral transaction that would blow the Counselor’s mind.  They tour the house and oddly enough end up sitting on the bed discussing Phaedra’s divorce.  Phaedra delivered the news to Apollo and he wasn’t happy, but Phaedra doesn’t know what his fuss is about, seeing as how he has a prison pen-pal turned girlfriend, turned fiancé.  Yea, what could go wrong there?

Later, Porsha meets up with her pseudo-boyfriend, Todd, to determine if he is ready for a mature, adult relationship and some snuggie-wuggies and kissy-wissies.  Todd has brought her a diamond necklace, indicating he is fully aware that he is in the dawg house.  Porsha accepts the gift and then rips him a new asshole.  This is HER VISION, DAMN IT, and he had better follow the script to the letter or they are dunzo!  Todd hangs his head in shame and agrees to fill out an application at Domino’s so he can earn some walkin’ around money.

The final act is the Kandi vs. Porsha showdown, where Porsha’s plan of attack is to act like she threw Kandi under the lesbian bus because she was mad and didn’t think it would be repeated.  Jezzuz Porsha, have you seen this show?  In true Kandi fashion, she proceeds to call Porsha out, stating she is playing dumb and she is the one keeping her life activities as secret.  Kandi has always had her freak flag fully on display, if she was hookin’ up with women and had a sex dungeon she would make it know, because that would be FLY!

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Kandi admits to having some romps with women and one time Todd was involved, but it was only once.  There is no sex dungeon, just li’l Todd doing his best between taking care of Baby Ace and trying to get the OLG project off the ground.  Kandi then confronts Porsha about her proposition, “you tongued me down, bitch!”  Porsha brings up some woman she claims Kandi has had relations with for seven years and asserts that Kandi slept with several R&B groups to get to the top.  Kandi reveals that Porsha met Block because she was ho-in’ around with another rapper who knew Block and Porsha was a “pass around”.  The insults are flying around like ping pong balls, “I’m not into teacups, short and stout”, “Todd uses an Alias, Marvin, so he can cheat!”, “flip floppin’ women in yo’ bed like pancakes, You an International STANK HO!”

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Porsha claims that she has the phone number of the woman claiming she had a seven-year relationship with Kandi and says she will text it to Kandi so she can deal with it.  Kandi can’t take anymore, so she walks out while Porsha mutters “toodles, bitch!”

Next time, preparations and a lot of waxing for the Bravo mandated trip to Maui.  Kandi and Porsha continue to fight, and what is Papa Smurf doing on this trip?  Does he want to try out Cynthia’s vaginal rejuvenation?