Okay readers, this is the final installment of the marginally-white, never forget, clam shucking, body glitter extravaganza. Not a moment too soon… don’t know ‘bout y’all, but this parade of unstable wigs and oxygen restricting Spanx has grown tiresome. We all witnessed the play-by-play of this season and the perpetual screaming match that is Wigs-n-Cigs vs. Nene and her Petco Choppers – so I will approach this by hitting on my personal favorite moments. Let’s take a shallow dive into the wading pool:
- Wigs-n-Cigs vs. Nene – Face it Wigs, this is a fight you will not win. Yes, Nene gets on my nerves at times, but she remains the Queen Supreme of the ATL. Sorry bitch – fasten your wig glue and keep it movin’! Kandi is laughing her saggy teets off and P-Willi is smirking whilst straightening her crown – both glad to be off the hot-seat! Key takeaway: Your floaters on your chest ain’t workin’, get that double chin filed off next time you see your plastic surgeon, and WHERE IS YOUR SCOOTER? WHERE IS IT! I can see it now, Wigs barreling down the causeway, wind in her acrylic wiglette, a red Solo cup sitting snugly in the retrofitted cup-holder, Kroy in the side-car so he can finally have his own DRANK, her pink iPod plugged into the jack, jammin’ some John Legend.
- Solitary Confinement – We revisit with “Me-by-Shereé”, who apparently is dumping Prison BAE if he doesn’t get paroled. Wait – this is the love of your life, the soul to your mate, the tingle to your toes, the cure for all your woes! You spent thousands of un-earned Jogger dollars on relational therapy with Jack Daniels, you spent 3 million Thelma dollars constructing a customized man-cave, a home gym, and a She by Shereé Shed complete with Rent-A-Center furniture… what gives? She-by-She-Done… Joggers. Key takeaway: SBS is squirming all over the couch as OHAC questions her about Prison BAE. Her Spanx are at hospitalization level tight or she really needs to pee. Annnnd… Nene saying she conducted an oral transaction for John Legend tickets with “Lierone” was a joke on Twitter, of course. Meanwhile, Kenya quietly urps up between the reunion couch cushions at the thought of it.
- There’s a Clip for That – Kenya takes a strategic position on the opposing couch so she can go at Wigs face full o’ fillers. She goes after Kroy – the valet, the driver, the wiglette-stand maker. Wigs goes at Kandi for saying that Wigs drinks too much. THE. EFFING. TAPE. Wigs telling Kandi at their lunch that she makes Kroy drive so she can drink, drink in the car, drink while getting stuffed into her Spanx, drinking and Tweeting, can’t do anything without a drink. Viewers can play the Wigs drinking game at home, take a drink every time Wigs strokes her acrylic locks, take a drink every time the red Solo cup appears, take a drink every time Wigs accuses others of being jealous, take a drink every time she LIES and summon your driver to cart your drunk-ass to the ER!
Wigs denies saying all the unsavory things this season, which are memorialized on camera. Nene goes off, Kandi goes off, P-Willi and 50-Cynt inch over to the opposite end of their couch… Wigs sits on the sidelines like a “motherfuckin’ fan” judging everyone like a troll who lives behind the washing machine in their parents’ basement. Key takeaway: We need Andy and an automated external defibrillator for Nene and Kandi.
- Step into my Office – Wigs flees, red Solo cup full o’ dumpster juice in hand. OHAC wraps it up by going around the semi-circle of the damned asking the cast-mates to state what they have learnt this season. Suddenly the Bravo intern appears and summons OHAC backstage, Wigs is demanding to speak with him in the ladies room her office. Props to the production assistant who gets on the walkie, “I need Andy and a CAMERA!” Wigs is crying to OHAC, Kroy is playing body guard, putting his hand in the camera. Wigs wails on… nothing positive was said to her, they are all so MEAN! OHAC explains that she has been nothing but combative this season and didn’t show anything positive about her dayum self. We hear Nene bellowing “the door is CLOSED!”
Wigs continues shrieking at the man who signs her Paychex by Bravo – you haven’t found another white woman to sit on the couch with these women, nobody is dumb enough! Then something about how racism didn’t exist before social media!?!? Now this is where everything went left… we see the exact moment it comes across OHAC’s face, like “uhh yea, I’m gonna fire you right after I smoke a fatty in my trailer.” Sensing this is some next-level delusion, SBS dips out. Key takeaway: Walkin’ papers will be drafted faster than she changes into her Wal-Mart Joggers.
Next week is a 10th anniversary of best moments, which I will be enjoying with a tub o’ mint cookie crumble ice cream. Signing off, dear readers! Thank you for following me and reading!