Flip Flop on That

This whole episode is about flip-flopping and we ain’t talkin’ ‘bout footwear!  We start with Kenya, who is plant shopping with her aunt Lori and venting about her evil cast mates.  Lori urges Kenya to forgive them, even Porsha too.  Kenya must kill them with kindness and be the grown up.  We flip-flop back and forth with a similar meeting between Kandi, Porsha, and Phaedra.  Kandi is poised and ready to fill them in on the drama that ensued at Cynthia’s “hey be proud of me, I went to work one day” party.  When they hear that Apollo has been feeding them out of his lunch box full of lies, Porsha is astonished, Phaedra seems bewildered and aggravated, and Kandi looks like she wants to run and hide.  Phaedra is clearly reeling from the shock because she immediately says she owes Kenya an apology (as the Bravo intern slips her paycheck into her handbag).  Phaedra says “excuse me Jesus, but this is beyond f*ckery, it’s f*ck-ation.”  Yes, indeed it is.

Discuss Apollo

Later, Kandi and Todd are hanging out with some Kandi Koated toys and she brings up the “let’s try for a baby” discussion, but no-good opportunist Todd is going to be traveling for work.  He ain’t up for birthin’ no baby right now!  Kandi mentions that she is 38 and “wants to knock this out”, but they sideline the baby plan when she realizes Todd is going to be MIA for the next several months.  She cracks the Kandi Koated whip and Todd pulls a Bawby from RHNJ and hides in the bathroom.  Later, Todd’s daughter Kaela arrives and she meets Kandi’s daughter Riley.  The initial caucus is a bit awkward, both girls look like they would rather be hanging out around the food court dumpsters at the local mall than sitting there discussing allowance and curfews with their respective parents who are not even on the same parenting page.  Riley is giving us a bit of “Mama Joyce in training”, she gives Kaela a very cold shoulder and a tad of a read when they discuss curfew and the fact that Kaela gets to troll around town until 1:00 a.m.  To that, Riley says, “well when I’m 18, I am going to be in college.”

The moment we have all waited for, we get to see how annoying Claudia Jordan will be this season!  Here’s the rundown:

  • Claudia is a model, host, Miss U.S.A. contestant, comedienne, and a “loveable asshole”.
  • We know her from “Celebrity Apprentice” (and we use the term “celebrity” very loosely).
  • She worked on “Let’s Make a Deal”, “Deal or No Deal”, and “The Price is WRONG, BITCH Right”, which garnered her much fame in retirement homes and prisons. Which, if you think about it, is a rather copious, untapped sector of the television audience market.
  • She has known Kenya for over ten years, bless her heart.
  • She is bi-racial and she is divorced.
  • She drags Kenya out furniture shopping to look for a very sturdy bed because Claudia has been known to lose a tooth in bed, and not while sleeping.

Claudia-GameShow

I see potential conflict for these two on the distant horizon.  Claudia is a lot like Kenya and a Kenya divided against herself cannot stand.

Claudia-Kenya

Nene is back in da’ hood and she only has time for mimosas with Porsha.  The subject of Claudia Jordan comes up and Nene flashes some serious side eye and says “oh the thirst is real!”  Meaning Claudia is a thirsty bitch looking for work and that’s why she is in the ATL.  Porsha fills Nene in about Apollo’s confession and Nene isn’t sure what to think, she doesn’t understand why the lie would have gone on for two years.  Ugh…Nene, have you seen this show?  Nene doesn’t think this warrants any type of apology for Kenya because once a ho, always a ho.

Thirst Real

Apollo goes to see the only attorney in town, Randy Kessler, to discuss divorce.  He isn’t worried about going to prison, but he is worried about his standard of living after he gets out.  He can’t be reduced to working a minimum wage job, that simply won’t do!  It is here where Apollo shows his true “f*ckery f*ck-ation”, does he not realize he is a felon and won’t even be able to get a job panhandling?  The best he can do is maybe getting a job turning tater tots on the buffet at the Clermont Lounge.

It’s the final ten minutes of the show so we commence the Cynthia vs. Porsha throw down.  Porsha is tardy for the Party (over an hour late), which is never a wise move when confronting someone who is already prepared to send your broke-ass weave back to the loom.  Cynthia throws some major shade, “the heifer came in an hour late in a cheap blue jumpsuit”.

Porsha Argue

Although, our local fashion model is dressed as Urkel, as if she lost a bet, and really doesn’t have much room to talk.  After they finish arguing about Porsha’s lateness, they go at each other like a couple of rabid ferrets on a hot waffle iron.  All I can really deduce here is that there is a lot of flip-flopping and long E.T. finger waving.

Cynthia ET Finger

Porsha is upset because Cynthia has been flip-flopping about Reunion-gate, where Porsha was provoked by Kenya’s scepter waving and inappropriate bullhorn use.  Cynthia flings shade like a monkey at the zoo flings his own… “Porsha is flip flopping on some married man for cars and bags, flip flop on that!”  OY VEY…where is Nene when we need her?  CLOSE YOUR LEGS TO MARRIED MEN, TRASHBOX!

TrashBoxCynthia pulls a page from her new and improved Sensei Kenya’s book “if you don’t want me to come for you, don’t come for me!”  For some reason, they are not in a vacant restaurant and everyone is staring at them, horrified and laughing at the same time.  Both hags declare a draw and Cynthia walks her spherical booty out the door… “Bye Felicia!”

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Low Down Dirty Shame

What better way to start this shit show than with precious li’l Ayden getting his teeth cleaned.  Since Phaedra won’t let Apollo see the boys, daddy has to slink into the dental appointment to get a quick visit.  Phaedra doesn’t even acknowledge her grade-A, sketchball hubby and I don’t think even the dentist can drill through the palatable tension between these two.  Besides, the dentist is a hottie and Phaedra may soon be available.

In the chair, Dr. Hottie coaches Ayden to say “teamwork brushing”, which he does in his cute little voice… “teamwork brushing, working together.”  Apollo will soon be doing a lot of “teamwork” in lockup and Phaedra has her own plan to raise her boys to be strong black men, “no Dustin Diamonds, no McCauley Culkins, and no Gary Colemans.”  Whatever that means.

Meanwhile, across town, Kandi has concocted a brilliant plan to buy Mama Joyce a new house conveniently located right down the street from her and Todd.  Kandi discussed this stellar plan with her husband, but he thinks Kandi is once again being a push over and Mama should have been happy with Kandi’s hand me down house.  Todd leaps around the kitchen and tells Kandi she is acting like Oprah… “you get a house, you get a house, and you get a house!”  Mama Joyce arrives to go house hunting and Kandi leaves them alone for a few minutes.  Alone.  In the kitchen.  With knives.  It’s a combination of idle chit chat, stank face, and side eye.  Kandi and Mama drive half a block to the new home and it’s love at first sight.  I am not sure the seven bedrooms, four full bathrooms, swimming pool, and basketball court are enough for a single 60 year old woman.  She really needs eight bedrooms and a gym to house her army of senior skanks.  Kandi remains blissfully ignorant and indicates that she is so glad to have Mama nearby for when she and Todd pop out a baby.  Mama tells Kandi she had a dream that Todd had a vasectomy, Kandi scoffs, “well okay Miss Cleo”!  Kandi takes the one-on-one opportunity to discuss how Todd’s reaction to Mama has been proportionate to Mama’s shitty, asshole-like behavior.  Kandi also encourages Mama to apologize to Todd’s mother Sharon, for calling her a pimp and a prostitute.  But not a shot in hell, if anything Mama expects an apology from Sharon for calling her an asshole when in fact she was just “acting” like an asshole.  Way to lay the confrontation groundwork between Mama and Sharon.  Although I would like to see that, Sharon is scrappy and has some good fight in her.  The only skill Mama has exhibited is threatening with a deadly Wal-Mart wedge sandal.

Kenya and her friend Brandon get together for some tea and shade.  They rehash the reunion brawl, but Brandon wants Kenya to get back to being her ol’ diva self.  He gives her a pep talk and Kenya invites him to accompany her to a get together for Cynthia (more on that later).  Brandon declines because he doesn’t want to see Apollo and be put in the position for another “beige on beige crime”.  Brandon sits down at the piano and they hammer out their next top 40 hit called “Really Bitch?!?!”  I hate to say it, but I think the song idea actually has some legs.

Really Bitch

Across the nation in Vegas, it’s opening night at “Zumanity”.  Nene and she is freaked out about doing live theater and she worries that the orgy scene may throw her off because of all the tea bagging.  I love how the phrase “tea bagging” rolls off her tongue like she just plucked as her word of the day from “Urban Dictionary”, but yet the thought of professional actors staging an orgy scene skeeves her out.  Her moment arrives and the stage crew stuffs Nene in a pod, which transports her up to stage level.  Nene felt like the HBIC during her performance and says she “grew a pair of balls” during her performance.  She may want to have that looked at.

Nene-Performing

Earlier we learned that Cynthia was in a five-page spread for Ebony Magazine and Peter decided to throw a party at the flailing Bar One to acknowledge her accomplishment.  Imagine that, Cynthia who is a MODEL for a living, was in a magazine.  How amazing, let’s have a party because you worked?  The party should have been themed “Bravo mandated soiree to exclude certain cast mates for the purpose of fanning drama flames and to put feuding cast mates in room together for heightened awkwardness”.

Cynthia arrives at her “I went to work one day” themed party, looking rather stunning.  Kandi and Cynthia dish the dirt on the uninvited party guests and Kenya arrives with new housewife, Claudia Jordan, as her plus one.  Turns out Claudia works with Porsha at some radio show, so I am sure there will be some sort of “pick a side” future feud.  Kenya quickly changes the subject from the “Laila Ali wannabe” (Porsha) and then Kandi brings it up again and asks what’s going on with the lawsuit.  Kenya explains she is not suing, but it is in the hands of the state.

Cynthia Party

Apollo shows up as if her were on some sort of publicity tour protocol before “going away” for a very long time.  He is dressed in his best suit and he looks like he would smell of desperation and Drakaar Noir.  He says hello to Kenya as if nothing is wrong.  Kenya takes off with Claudia to the bathroom where they talk trash about Apollo, but ever the optimist, Claudia notes that Apollo is going to have some bangin’ abs when he gets out of the hoosegow.  They reapply their lipstick, blot, and make sure their social security cards are accounted for safely in their purses.

Kenya Bathroom

Back in the lounge, Apollo tells the rest of the gang that Phaedra is not being supportive and that their marriage is spiraling downhill.  Kenya returns to the group only to say goodbye and Apollo wants a private talk with her.  Of course, she is not interested in talking to this “sneaky MF”, but he follows her and Cynthia outside.  He starts to talk while Cynthia supervises and he tries to apologize to Kenya.  He must feel the sudden urge to repent and right all his wrongs, y’know cleanse his Karma before going off to be potentially butt-f*cked in the prison shower.  Kenya isn’t happy, she wants a specific apology, for him to say that he lied. He did not see her in L.A. and she did not proposition him.  He finally sorta admits he lied and then Cynthia goes back inside and delivers the news to the rest of the gang.  When Apollo comes back in to the party, Kandi confronts him, she wants to hear it right from the horse’s mouth.  Apollo admits that he lied about Kenya, with a smirk and a shrug, “I’m not perfect”.  Kandi, Todd, and Peter all take a collective exasperated breath, trying not to lose their shiz.  Now they realize they all owe Kenya an apology for believing Apollo and for looking down on her as if she were some kinda second-rate ho, whose only responsibility is to refill the tater tot bin at the tittie bar where she works third-shift.

Apollo-Lied

Apollo goes back outside to tell Kenya he is sorry AGAIN, but she wants specifics.  He finally admits that he never saw her in L.A. and he just made it up because he was angry about the booty DVD debacle.  Really, asshole?  Are you in 8th grade?  He is sure to get his bitch ass beat in prison.  Kenya feels somewhat vindicated, but she won’t feel fully vindicated until Phaedra apologizes to her.  Good luck wit’ dat!

Clink Clink

Those aren’t Fabellini glasses clinking, that is the sound of shackles around Teresa Goo-boo-chay’s ankles so she won’t run off set and hole up in the Bravo intern bathroom during this GAWD-Awful reunion show.  Let’s sift through only the lowlights so our heads don’t explode.

Fambly Feud

Dina’s return to the show was based on the departure of Caroline and Jacs, specifically Jacs, who Dina labels as “toxic”.  After Teresa flipped the table in season one, like the incredible hulk, Dina said good riddance.  Today, Tre-Hulk is much more calm now that her days in the free world are numbered.  Dina still hasn’t filed for divorce, since Tommy is the “only plumber” she knows, he has been “cleaning her pipes”.  WTMI.

Dina notes she will gladly reconcile with her brother and sister, but she will love Jacs from a different zip code.  Tre sarcastically and quite condescendingly applauds OHAC for admitting the show causes tension among the cast mates.  OHAC quickly reminds her that participation in vile, petty feuding on national television with fambly members is strictly voluntary.  I guess Tre forgets where her freakin bread is buttered.  Won’t matter, commissary doesn’t take Bravo Bucks.

Sidebar:  Dina should fire her stylist ASAP for putting that heinous necklace on her.  But her hairstylist gets points for the bangin’ side braid.

Dina-Necklace

Delusion Fusion

Tre doesn’t believe she has ever “hit below the belt” during her entire stint on the show.  The Non-Dynanic Duo belt out a hearty, simultaneous laugh, while Melissa is biting her tongue so hard she may need a paramedic.

“The Cancer” and “The Nose Job”

Amber Alert is allowed to have the floor and her only regret is “crying too much”.  The playing of the cancer card is addressed, but Amber claims she wanted to use the show as a platform to raise awareness.  The Non-Dynamic Duo bash Amber for saying “The Cancer” and they accuse her of having a nose job.  Amber Alert will use her articles of speech however she wants, damn it, and she denies the nose job.

Jersey-Isms

Rosie and Kathy join the floor and discuss the dictionary gag gift they gave Tre.  Everyone has a collective laugh and we are treated to a montage of Jersey-isms:

  • Boobdoir = Boudoir
  • Skoowers = Skewers
  • Lopter = Lobster
  • Vigerator = Refrigerator
  • Calmaradity = Camraderie
  • Cold soldiers = Cold shoulder
  • You should be a cannibal for your actions = You should be accountable for your actions
  • Myrant = this one is actually functional: midget + tyrant = MYRANT!
  • Jigged myself = Jinxed myself

Penny For Your Thoughts

A clip is shown of Kathy’s mother saying that “when you do the wrong thing, mistakes catch up to you”.  Tre makes a dramatic exit and pulls a Bobby by locking herself in the bathroom.  She is still miced and the audio confirms that she has the attention span of a gnat, “you have a mint, gum?  OHHHHH a penny!”

Tre-NeedBreak

Sibling Support

Joe and Juicy join the stage, but Juice man is clearly numb and in shock.  Joe Gorga takes the floor “It’s so hard for me, because it’s my sister.  Whatever.”  Wiser words have never been spoken.

Warning:  Felonious Behavior May Really F*ck Up Your Day

When it rains it pours, while the Goo-Boo-Chay fambly bond is stronger than ever, they are not immune to tragedies in large, successive, quantities.  We all know Juicy’s father had a heart attack and passed away suddenly.  Tre admits that her chubby hubby has been wandering around in a daze, drinking heavily.  And this is different from his previous behavior, how exactly?

MuinexSlug

In addition, all the legal troubles have impaired Tre’s bidness, retailers will simply not tolerate this felon trying to peddle her wares, hence she makes no money.  As if that weren’t bad enough, Tre was too dense to understand that her plea deal included prison time and she was completely blindsided.  Her doctor must have her on some low-grade beaver tranquilizer, the poor thing didn’t even understand Ter-ess-uh’s “clink clink” handcuff gesture.  Look at the bright side Tre, you are going to hang out with the Orange is the New Black Beyotches.  They make prison look fun!

Let’s Talk About Bawwwby

Bawby is apparently a trust fund baby, which confirms that Nicole is not only wearing gold lame, but she is a “gold digga”.  Is that anything like a “soul digga”, like the men who helped Melissa pretend to be a singer?  I digress… Bawby’s sexual preference was called into question over the scene where he frolicked on the beach with a very muscular and agile Joe Gorga and even performed CPR on him.  Bobby never dignifies the question with an answer, but doesn’t deny it either.  Jim and Amber Alert are being too loud an distracting and they get of the topic of Bawby’s possible homosexuality.  Jim whips out a folder of evidence and screams “Fame Whore” across the set, while holding up several pictures of Bawby posing with various housewives.  Amber Alert claims he was only hanging on with Nicole to see if she would be signed to the show so he can get his 7 minutes of fame.

FameWhore

Asshole Problem

Jim is an asshole, Amber Alert affectionately calls him “scorched Earth”, and Dina labels Jim as “mangina”, since calling him “whale vagina” is insulting to women and whale’s everywhere.  Jim brags how he made $8.5 million last year and Melissa whips out her Lawyering License and advises him to refrain from discussing his gross income from all sources on the show.  Wake up and smell the indictment!  Jim is yelling at Tre and li’l Joey Gorga has a flashback to his childhood, “don’t talk to my sister that way, she’s my sister, she threw my toys out the window!”  Uh, that’s another show entirely.  “Don’t talk that way, women box women, men box wen.  Uh menin, you know what I mean!”  No Joe, we don’t.  What is “menin”?  Isn’t that a 1987 jingle for Mennin speed stick deodorant?  Jim is a hot ass mess, he claims he is getting “hate faxes”…ummm who faxes anything anymore?  I’m sure Joe Gorga will offer you a discount on shredding those hate faxes.

Santarinogate – The Gift That Keeps On Giving Like Long-Lasting Spray Tan

OHAC prefaces the Santarinogate segment by assuring everyone on the stage that they will all be heard.  In other words, shut the f*ck up!  Jim repeated the Santarinogate rumor because he was hammered and thought it was hilarious, he only repeated it “as a joke” and he didn’t expect the twins to “go all Chernobyl”.  This guy has a sick sense of humor.  Ter-ess-uh has the floor and regardless that all men are pigs, she knows that her precious Rino would never have inappropriate relations with her mother.  Let’s bring out that crypt keeper, Victoria Gotti, to set the record straight!  Seriously, now that would have been epic.

The men get into the rumor mill a bit more and Jim bashes on Rino for hiding in his own vacation home two miles away from the Florida meltdown vacation rental from hell and he bashes Bawby for hiding in the bathroom.  Bawby states he was simply walking away from “The Marchese Spin Machine”.  Bawby owns a condo he rents to a female tenant, and Jim spun that as Bawby having a “kept woman”.

Bawby apologizes to Nicole for calling her “stupid”, but he clarified that he was calling her stupid for taking the bait from Jim.  Okay Bawby, we get it, so you weren’t “a bitch” when you hid in the bathroom, you were just “acting like a bitch”.  Whatever helps you sleep at night, dude.

Issues

Jim also apologizes to the twins and then calls Dina out for perpetuating the rumor on camera.  Jim, have you learned nothing, Dina will cut your eyes out and serve them on a cheese platter.

What Have We Learned, if Anything?

Ter-ess-uh learned that alcohol and cameras don’t mix.  Nicole learned to keep it real.  Amber Alert wouldn’t cry so much and would keep Jim off Twitter.  Melissa is learning to see the big picture.  Dina learned once you walk away from something remember why you did.  Tre apologizes to her fans for letting them down and she’s going to make herself a better person.  Tre admits that she regrets 80% of the show.

OHAC takes Tre’s delicate, tiny hands, which are about to be subjected to shackles and germy prison showers.  Tre thinks this is her last show and they get emotional for a moment.  After all Tre made reality TV history with her table flip and criminal behavior.  OHAC wishes her the best… annnd scene, Girl, BYE!  As Cynthia from the ATL would say – “This was a waste of an outfit and a wig!”

OHAC-ShakeHand

Best quote of this trifecta shit show goes do Dina:  “This show is so f*cked up!”  Yes, yes it is!

It’s the end of an era, so how long before Bravo gives Tre a spinoff show about her time in prison?

You Can Go Your Own Way

The ATL is back and they are beyotchier than eva!  After being dumbed down by the RHNJ, I was ready to quit writing this blog.  Then, suddenly…the Bravo Gods swept me up from my wretched despair and into the arms of these juicy li’l peaches of dysfunction.  Let’s get it started up in here:

The ladies all have new taglines, but I am a bit disappointed that the opening hasn’t been fluffed and freshened by either Lawrence or Derek J:

  • Nene – “Why be so nasty and so rude when I can be so fierce and so successful?” – um let us know when that is going to take effect.
  • Kandi – “I’m not about the drama! Don’t start none, won’t be none.” – this means YOU Mama Joyce!
  • Cynthia – “Life is about choices, and I choose Cynthia!” – unless of course Team Nene wants me back on the roster.
  • Phaedra – “When it comes to my family, I’m the judge and the jury.” – and the undertaker.
  • Kenya – “People get exhausted trying to figure me out, and I just let them.” – You’re about as perplexing as Pyraminx, Rubik’s cube’s ugly sister.
  • Claudia – New housewife alert, she is not shown yet, but her line will be… “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because I’m here to stay.” – We’ll see former Celebrity Apprentice antagonist.

Most of the premiere episode is about laying groundwork for fresh drama and catching up with the ladies since they were last seen sprawled out on the floor of the reunion stage.  Nene has top billing and she has snagged a role as emcee in the Vegas show, “Zumanity”.  She plops down in the makeup artist’s chair as she chomps through her lunch with her Petco teeth.  The makeup dude is blowing smoke straight up her ass, “we’ve never had a celebrity on the show!”  Well sharpen your eyeliner crayon my good lad, you still don’t have a celebrity on the show.  The only dose of reality we see from Nene is her admitting she looks like a drag queen.

Nene-Wig

Later, Nene claims to be a little uncomfortable during the final “Zumanity” orgy scene where she has to stand in the middle of 50 naked, writhing, actors.  She and hubby Gregg engage in a scintillating discussion on what exactly constitutes an orgy.  Gregg thinks it’s a threesome and Nene disagrees, three people does not an orgy make.  They settle on a minimum requirement of four people.  Oh the Zumanity!  At the end of the day, Nene doesn’t give a rat’s ass.  She’s out of Haterville, GA and she’s ridin’ on a gravy train with biscuit wheels.

NeneZumanity

Kandi and Todd tied the knot, as we know, and we are treated to some good ol’ fashioned naggin’.  Kandi is setting up a bedroom for Todd’s daughter Kaela, who is moving to the ATL for her 15 minutes of fame.  They are not on the same parenting page, heck they are not even reading the same book.  Kandi is all like “they should have Range Rovers and 60” plasma TV’s” and Todd is all like “used Hondas and basic cable”.  Later, we learn that Kandi and Todd are also not on the same page about the Apollo/Phaedra debacle.  Kandi is loyal to Phaedra and darts out of the room when Apollo stops by the Kandi Factory to discuss his sentencing to whomever will listen.

Speaking of the Nida/Parks marriage, Phaedra is holed up in an Augusta, GA penthouse suite at a hotel with her two sons, her mother, and her braided bun of fury.  Apollo is heading to court for his sentencing and she felt the need to flee the house due to the swarms of paparazzi.  We are shown a shot of Phaedra’s house and there are no paparazzi, just a few crickets chirping, hoping to catch a gnat for a snack.

Apollo is going down for wire fraud, bank fraud, and mail fraud.  He was running shell companies and a co-conspirator ratted him out.  Apollo cannot believe that Phaedra is failing to “stand by her man” and he is failing to see that he betrayed and risked his fambly.  Ooops, family.  Damn you RHNJ!

Apollo’s brother from the same mother, different father, shows up and he is the only supporter, mainly because he will get to be on TV.  Sidebar:  Apollo’s beard is baffling, fascinating, perplexing, so many things all at the same time.  It’s thin, it’s thick, it looks like it’s been colored in with that black shit Joe Gorga sprays on his head.  Apollo’s beard is the sixth housewife!  Sad Apollo can’t believe that his family isn’t there to support him and he breaks down in tears.  He only has a case of the sads because he got caught.  The only winner here is Ayden, whose cuteness is unsurpassed.

Cynthia and Kenya have become BFF’s because apparently Cynthia was the only housewife who showed concern for Kenya after she was traumatized by Porsha at the prop-filled, ill-fated reunion.  Kenya was so distressed that she fled the country and twirled ‘round the world.  Cynthia informs Kenya that she has officially resigned from “Team Nene” and has noticed a dramatic improvement in her life.  She tells Kenya a joke “What did the man say when he pooped himself in an elevator?  I’m gonna take this shit to another level”.  Now there’s a tag line!

Meanwhile, across town, Porsha is doing a photo shoot while sporting a hideous mono-kini from the Teresa Giudice collection.  Kandi drops in to admire her two new teets twins.  They too, talk about the reunion traumatization, and Porsha feels “we have to take credit for our actions.”  She takes credit all right, and has no plans to apologize to Kenya.

Porsha-Swimsuit

The Bailey Agency Skewl for Wayward Models is still in bidness and Cynthia is training only the freshest faces to become stars.  Fortunately, Cynthia kept her old Bailey Agency space since Industry studios and Bar One have gone down the foreclosure vortex of hell.  Peter shows up with a picnic lunch for his lovely bride so he can ask her for money to open another yet to be failed Bar One location in Charlotte, GA.  Same dumb idea, different city.  Newsflash Peter, wherever you go, there you are.  What’s the common denominator here?  Peter’s failed bidness model and Cynthia’s empty bank account.

Apollo gets handed eight years in federal prison and runs out for a burger and a beer with his brother and mother.  Apollo’s mother looks like an intern from the “Hillbilly Hand Fishin’” set.  Apollo equates his legal woes to his mother’s drug addicted life.  She was chasin’ crack and he was chasin’ fast money.

Apollo-Jail

In the final act, Phaedra returns to her house and Apollo unleashes his “at the end of the day” nonsense.  I’m pretty confident he has that phrase tattooed somewhere on his body.  Phaedra lets him have the floor and then she opens her own can o’ whoop ass.  One thing is as clear as a strippers heels, Ms. Parks will not go out like Teresa “I didn’t know what I was signing what do you mean there is jail time in my plea deal” Guidice.  Phaedra calmly explains that Apollo has been selfish and put his family at risk.  Apollo, still trying to justify his actions, claims he was driven to the crimes because Phaedra wouldn’t let him have an allowance and he sees now that he was basically a sperm donor.  Really Apollo, take “credit” for your actions!  Phaedra packs her backpack with her suffering, public shame, tarnished name, and walks away while giving the international sign for “Deuces!  Gotta bounce!”  Apollo shouts that he will file for divorce, but leave it to our calm, cool, ever-collected, counselor to call his bluff, “Bon Voyage!”