It’s Elton John night, one of my personal favorites on American Idol. We have two peeps gettin’ da’ boot this week, so there is a lot on the line.
Scotty is up first with “Country Comfort”, big surprise. He gives a shout out to his grandma, which is nice, but he still sounds the same to me. I would like to see him do something different. At any rate, I am sure he will be a big country star even if he doesn’t win. The judges really love it and they give him props for the shout out to g’ma.
Sidebar: Peaches looks like he has dyed his hair darker. Either that or the hair and makeup department OD’d on the Grecian Formula.
Naima is up next with “I’m Still Standing” and she is going to put a reggae spin on it. What in the rainbow brite fu*king hell is she wearing? And why is she pretending to have a Jamaican accent? She is pulling horrible faces and she looks like something you would not want to meet in a dark alley. JHO felt that she flipped the script with the song and not in a good way. DAWG agreed and called it corny and said she has “mad flavor”. Ya’ think the DAWG wants a corn DAWG? Steven gave her props for picking a song that fit her.
Next we have a shameless plug for Coca Cola for a song writing competition. Sweet Tart chicks, ducks, and bunnies fly at the television screen.
Paul will be treating us to “Rocket Man”. He’s rockin’ that vicious ensemble with the flowers all over it and his dinky duck fuzz hair. I think he is starting off too soft. He might get the “sleepy” comment from DAWG. He said he covered this song with his band and it was horrible, well that should have been your first ride on the big clue bus, Paul. Not feelin’ it at all. DAWG calls it “quiet comfort” and it’s a little pitchy here and there and they felt he was holding back. Steven asks him if he’s been watering his suit because there’s a lot more flowers on it. JHO tells him to “push, push, push”. Steven starts breathing Lamaze style.
Pia is going to sing “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me”. But now she is going with a ballad again. She sounds good, but she is doing exactly the same thing and she isn’t working the stage like Judges asked last week. Steven takes a little stab at DAWG, but overall Judges give her props. I think Steven and DAWG may throw down. Imagine the sound of that…it would be like listening to a cat and a wild tree monkey in a pillowcase. DAWG says they are just trying to get her to the “next elevator of love”. They ask her to “surprise us” next week.
Stefano is next with “Tiny Dancer”. I am a bit concerned because it is sounding a bit “Holiday Inn Express Loungey”. He tries to win over JHO by walking up to her and taking her hand. DAWG is holding out his hand like a jamoke thinking he is funny. DAWG gives him props for keeping his eyes open, which we know is hard for our little Stefano.
Little Lauren is taking on “Candle in the Wind”. I sure hope she can pull it, this is a tough one. I am not really feelin’ this slowed-down, country version of this arrangement. Lauren hikes up her dress. DAWG says it’s one of her greatest performances. Steven says “I loved you since the first moment you laid eyes on me”. Ha-ha Steven, Chris Hansen is a-comin’ for ya’! He says if she keeps singin’ like that she can afford the rest of her dress. Everyone is laughing and you can see Peaches creeping in from stage left with his “Li’l Bastard Clock Accelerator Kit” as he must keep the show on time.
James is up next singing “Saturday Night’s All Right”. I enjoyed that immensely, but why did his ears look like they were sticking out so much? I thought he had great energy and truly entertained, he is the straight version of Adam Lambert. Steven said “don’t wear out your welcome, don’t be up there too long or you’ll wind up like me.” DAWG said it was great. James said he had so much hairspray in his hair that he was worried about the flaming piano and “having a Pepsi moment”. This throws Peaches into a tizzy as his loyalties lie with Coca Cola.
Thia is next with “Daniel”. I am finding her perf a bit sleepy, like a handful of tranquilizers. Her problem is that she is consistently pageanty. JHO finds it “beautiful”, DAWG said it was too “safe”. Steven said she did “well”. Translation: You stink! Is it just me, or did the bird in Steven’s hair give birth to babies?
Casey is taking on “Your Song”. Oh boy…I don’t know if I am gonna like this. Oh wait…the high pillow producer guy said get rid of the beard, did I not say that last week? Hmm, we have a less shaggy Casey. He actually does a pretty good job. DAWG says it was brilliant and Judges are so glad they saved him. Peaches revisits Casey’s reaction from last week and Casey thanks Peaches for “holding him up”. Peaches says “that’s my job”. Although, I think Peaches got more than he bargained for when Casey dove right into his junk.
Lusky Stank is going to screech it out with “Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word”. He looks like he is about to cry and he just may. Why is his right arm straight down by his side, not moving, like that wacky Dr. Marvin Candle in the creepy films they found in the hatch on “Lost”? He is also moving his mouth strangely. Judges like it, but DAWG tells him to find the “Jacob spot”.
Haley brings the night to a close with “Bennie and the Jets”. She is trying to bring her bluesy style, but I am not sure I am diggin’ it. She kinda sounds like a howler monkey on crack. She is dragging out the “sssss” on “Jets” too long. JHO was makin’ her “stank” face during the perf and says “that was it!” DAWG called it the best perf of the night. Steven says she “sings sexy”. Can the Fox intern please get Chris Hansen on the phone ASAP????
I guess I am not really feelin’ the Idols tonight, with the exception of James and I actually liked Casey. It’s pretty hard to pull off Elton.
On to the results where two will go home…
We start with a duet by Little Lauren and Scotty. They actually sound pretty good together. They get a standing O from the judges. Peaches dims the lights for the first round of results. Little Lauren looks like she’s gonna blow chow, but hold that honk Little Lauren, you are both safe.
I fast-forward thru the Ford music video. Peaches inquires about Casey’s beard and they conclude that he will keep some growth. That sounds wrong for so many reasons.
The next duo is Naima and Jacob. They sound and look like they should be performing on a Royal Caribbean cruise ship somewhere or at an amusement park. Want some cheese with that corn? What is up with Steven, he is sitting there like rigor mortis. Naima is in the bottom three and Jacob is safe. Maybe that’s why Steven looks stiff and angry. Even he has to admit that she sucked ballz.
Fantasia is going to sing “Collard Greens and Cornbread”…huh…wha? She looks like a hot boil-in-the-bag mess. She has a dinner roll hot glued to her head, I guess that’s to go with the collard greens and cornbread. Fast forward…Judges give her a standing O and Steven looks like he doesn’t really want to get up. I think his pants are too tight. He has a male version of a camel toe…what do we call that??? Moose knuckle???
Haley, Thia, and Pia are the next to perform. I think I know why Pia never moves around when she sings, she can’t dance! She keeps squatting down like she is going to sit on the toilet and bust a deuce. They don’t really sound that great. Peaches takes them right into it and Pia and Haley are safe, Thia is off to the stool of death.
Sidebar: Season 8 winner Chris Allen is in the audience. So that’s what became of him!
The Idols have to move out of their leaky mansion and I have to say, I really like Casey’s luggage…two hefty bags! They show some unseen footage of Casey, looking like a stunned mouse in a Dixie cup, being whisked off by the Fox staff doctor. Did I not say last week…MEDIC…STAT!?!?
James, Paul, Casey, and Stefano are up next. Poor Stefano is stuck behind the janky keyboard looking like a goof while the others get to be all cool on their guitars. Casey is moving his head side to side as if it were independent from his body! Peaches dims the lights…duh duh duh…Casey, James, and Stefano are safe. Paul is sent to the final stool of death.
Jaime Foxx and Will I Am are going to sing some sort of Rio song…I want to personally thank the inventor of the DVR. I can’t hit fast forward fast enough.
Peaches is back with the final results…America puts Paul back in the picture show, which isn’t much of a surprise at all. Thia is sent packing and Naima must return to the enchanted laundry hamper. That’s all for now…see ya’ next week.