The Password Is…Believe

It’s Elton John night, one of my personal favorites on American Idol.  We have two peeps gettin’ da’ boot this week, so there is a lot on the line.

Scotty is up first with “Country Comfort”, big surprise.  He gives a shout out to his grandma, which is nice, but he still sounds the same to me.  I would like to see him do something different.  At any rate, I am sure he will be a big country star even if he doesn’t win.  The judges really love it and they give him props for the shout out to g’ma.

Sidebar:  Peaches looks like he has dyed his hair darker.  Either that or the hair and makeup department OD’d on the Grecian Formula.

Naima is up next with “I’m Still Standing” and she is going to put a reggae spin on it.  What in the rainbow brite fu*king hell is she wearing?  And why is she pretending to have a Jamaican accent?  She is pulling horrible faces and she looks like something you would not want to meet in a dark alley.  JHO felt that she flipped the script with the song and not in a good way.  DAWG agreed and called it corny and said she has “mad flavor”.  Ya’ think the DAWG wants a corn DAWG?  Steven gave her props for picking a song that fit her.

Next we have a shameless plug for Coca Cola for a song writing competition.  Sweet Tart chicks, ducks, and bunnies fly at the television screen.

Paul will be treating us to “Rocket Man”.  He’s rockin’ that vicious ensemble with the flowers all over it and his dinky duck fuzz hair.  I think he is starting off too soft.  He might get the “sleepy” comment from DAWG.  He said he covered this song with his band and it was horrible, well that should have been your first ride on the big clue bus, Paul.  Not feelin’ it at all.  DAWG calls it “quiet comfort” and it’s a little pitchy here and there and they felt he was holding back.  Steven asks him if he’s been watering his suit because there’s a lot more flowers on it.  JHO tells him to “push, push, push”.  Steven starts breathing Lamaze style.

Pia is going to sing “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me”.  But now she is going with a ballad again.  She sounds good, but she is doing exactly the same thing and she isn’t working the stage like Judges asked last week.  Steven takes a little stab at DAWG, but overall Judges give her props.  I think Steven and DAWG may throw down.  Imagine the sound of that…it would be like listening to a cat and a wild tree monkey in a pillowcase.  DAWG says they are just trying to get her to the “next elevator of love”.  They ask her to “surprise us” next week.

Stefano is next with “Tiny Dancer”.  I am a bit concerned because it is sounding a bit “Holiday Inn Express Loungey”.  He tries to win over JHO by walking up to her and taking her hand.  DAWG is holding out his hand like a jamoke thinking he is funny.  DAWG gives him props for keeping his eyes open, which we know is hard for our little Stefano.

Little Lauren is taking on “Candle in the Wind”.  I sure hope she can pull it, this is a tough one.  I am not really feelin’ this slowed-down, country version of this arrangement.  Lauren hikes up her dress.  DAWG says it’s one of her greatest performances.  Steven says “I loved you since the first moment you laid eyes on me”.  Ha-ha Steven, Chris Hansen is a-comin’ for ya’!  He says if she keeps singin’ like that she can afford the rest of her dress.  Everyone is laughing and you can see Peaches creeping in from stage left with his “Li’l Bastard Clock Accelerator Kit” as he must keep the show on time.

James is up next singing “Saturday Night’s All Right”.  I enjoyed that immensely, but why did his ears look like they were sticking out so much?  I thought he had great energy and truly entertained, he is the straight version of Adam Lambert.  Steven said “don’t wear out your welcome, don’t be up there too long or you’ll wind up like me.”  DAWG said it was great.  James said he had so much hairspray in his hair that he was worried about the flaming piano and “having a Pepsi moment”.  This throws Peaches into a tizzy as his loyalties lie with Coca Cola.

Thia is next with “Daniel”.  I am finding her perf a bit sleepy, like a handful of tranquilizers.  Her problem is that she is consistently pageanty.  JHO finds it “beautiful”, DAWG said it was too “safe”.  Steven said she did “well”.  Translation:  You stink!  Is it just me, or did the bird in Steven’s hair give birth to babies?

Casey is taking on “Your Song”.  Oh boy…I don’t know if I am gonna like this.  Oh wait…the high pillow producer guy said get rid of the beard, did I not say that last week?  Hmm, we have a less shaggy Casey.  He actually does a pretty good job.  DAWG says it was brilliant and Judges are so glad they saved him.  Peaches revisits Casey’s reaction from last week and Casey thanks Peaches for “holding him up”.  Peaches says “that’s my job”.  Although, I think Peaches got more than he bargained for when Casey dove right into his junk.

Lusky Stank is going to screech it out with “Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word”.  He looks like he is about to cry and he just may.  Why is his right arm straight down by his side, not moving, like that wacky Dr. Marvin Candle in the creepy films they found in the hatch on “Lost”?  He is also moving his mouth strangely.  Judges like it, but DAWG tells him to find the “Jacob spot”.

Haley brings the night to a close with “Bennie and the Jets”.  She is trying to bring her bluesy style, but I am not sure I am diggin’ it.  She kinda sounds like a howler monkey on crack.  She is dragging out the “sssss” on “Jets” too long.  JHO was makin’ her “stank” face during the perf and says “that was it!”  DAWG called it the best perf of the night.  Steven says she “sings sexy”.  Can the Fox intern please get Chris Hansen on the phone ASAP????

I guess I am not really feelin’ the Idols tonight, with the exception of James and I actually liked Casey.  It’s pretty hard to pull off Elton.

On to the results where two will go home…

We start with a duet by Little Lauren and Scotty.  They actually sound pretty good together.  They get a standing O from the judges.  Peaches dims the lights for the first round of results.  Little Lauren looks like she’s gonna blow chow, but hold that honk Little Lauren, you are both safe.

I fast-forward thru the Ford music video.  Peaches inquires about Casey’s beard and they conclude that he will keep some growth.  That sounds wrong for so many reasons.

The next duo is Naima and Jacob.  They sound and look like they should be performing on a Royal Caribbean cruise ship somewhere or at an amusement park.  Want some cheese with that corn?  What is up with Steven, he is sitting there like rigor mortis.  Naima is in the bottom three and Jacob is safe.  Maybe that’s why Steven looks stiff and angry.  Even he has to admit that she sucked ballz.

Fantasia is going to sing “Collard Greens and Cornbread”…huh…wha?  She looks like a hot boil-in-the-bag mess.  She has a dinner roll hot glued to her head, I guess that’s to go with the collard greens and cornbread.  Fast forward…Judges give her a standing O and Steven looks like he doesn’t really want to get up.  I think his pants are too tight.  He has a male version of a camel toe…what do we call that???  Moose knuckle???

Haley, Thia, and Pia are the next to perform.  I think I know why Pia never moves around when she sings, she can’t dance!  She keeps squatting down like she is going to sit on the toilet and bust a deuce.  They don’t really sound that great.  Peaches takes them right into it and Pia and Haley are safe, Thia is off to the stool of death.

Sidebar:  Season 8 winner Chris Allen is in the audience.  So that’s what became of him!

The Idols have to move out of their leaky mansion and I have to say, I really like Casey’s luggage…two hefty bags!  They show some unseen footage of Casey, looking like a stunned mouse in a Dixie cup, being whisked off by the Fox staff doctor.  Did I not say last week…MEDIC…STAT!?!?

James, Paul, Casey, and Stefano are up next.  Poor Stefano is stuck behind the janky keyboard looking like a goof while the others get to be all cool on their guitars.  Casey is moving his head side to side as if it were independent from his body!  Peaches dims the lights…duh duh duh…Casey, James, and Stefano are safe.  Paul is sent to the final stool of death.

Jaime Foxx and Will I Am are going to sing some sort of Rio song…I want to personally thank the inventor of the DVR.  I can’t hit fast forward fast enough.

Peaches is back with the final results…America puts Paul back in the picture show, which isn’t much of a surprise at all.  Thia is sent packing and Naima must return to the enchanted laundry hamper.  That’s all for now…see ya’ next week.

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Motown Showdown

The judges enter and we are treated to two, count ‘em, two shots of a sign being held up in the audience that says:  “Steven Tyler, you’re my mom’s hall pass.”  Now that’s some funny ass sh!t.

Steven says Motown made him “wanna make out with girls” and Peaches quips back that “he did more than make out, because Liv Tyler was in the audience.”  Now the funny thing about that is that Liv actually was raised thinking Todd Rundgren was her father and she didn’t even find out until she was about 18 years old that Steven actually was.  Her mom lied to her almost her whole life!  Just a bit of trivia for you.

Casey starts with “Heard it Through the Grapevine”.  What in the fuc*kery is going on with his hair?  It looks like the hair and makeup department slicked it down with Crisco and sent him on his way.  It looks like a bunk toupee and it’s janked up more than one of Kim Zolciak’s wigs.  I wish Casey would get rid of that Appalachian mountain man beard too.  Judges love him and they call him “a true original.”

Thia will sing “Heat Wave.”  JHO is dancing and Thia is a lot better this week, but again the wardrobe department needs a beat down.  That dress Thia wore was hideous.  JHO has some good words of advice and the DAWG wants her to take more chances.

Sidebar:  OMFG and Brad Whiford is in the audience, guitarist for Aerosmith, and he looks older than dirt.  He has actually not aged too well.

Steven – 1, Brad – 0.

Lusky Stank is up next with “You’re All I Need to Get By” and he plans to ease off on the high notes that could kill a cat.  He gets the JHO point of approval.  Steven goes up and hugs Jacob and then yells something undecipherable in the mic.  DAWG loves it, best Jacob perf of the season.  He really hit it out of the park.  The entire front row comes up to give hugs and Peaches goes into a tizzy because he has to keep the live show moving.

Little Lauren sings “You Keep Me Hangin’ On.”  I really like this song, I hope she can bring it.  Judges heads all bobble in sync.  She’s workin’ the stage and I hope that she doesn’t trip over that dress that is about 5 inches too long for her.  JHO gives the intense eye stare and switches from the head bobble to the head swivel.  Steven says she “ripped that song another beauty mark.”  He truly lives on his own planet.  JHO likes the attitude she brought.  DAWG says “she now has her swagger on high.”

Sidebar:  Now we see Chef Ramsey in the audience, the stars are all out tonight!

Stefano is next and he gives Peaches some food that Stefano’s mom made.  What is up with Stefano’s hair now, it looks like it’s been Casey Criscoed as well.  Oh sweet fancy Moses, he is going to sing “Hello” by Lionel Ritchie.  I absolutely detest this song.  I don’t know why in God’s name the wardrobe department put him in that loungey white blazer.  JHO looks annoyed.  Stefano is not doing so hot keeping his eyes open.  JHO has the “come to Jesus” talk with Stefano about making the connection.  Steven is giving the DAWG the death stare.  Peaches threatens to cut the DAWG’s mic off for saying that he and Stefano are in a relationship.  This just took an ugly turn.  Chris Hansen will probably be in the audience next week conducting an investigation.

Sidebar:  Chef Ramsey throws shade on mama Stefano’s pasta.  Not cool, but that’s Chef Ramsey for ya’!

Haley is next with “You Really Got a Hold on Me”  She creeps down the Hasbro slippery steps in her janky stripper heels and she looks like they jammed her into that outfit like a stuffed sausage.  Hair and makeup get props though for straightening her brokedown scarecrow weave.  We are treated to one of Steven’s screams, he loved her.  Oh mother of all that is good and descent, Chris Hansen is definitely waiting for Steven back at the hotel.

Scotty is next up with “For Once in My Life” with a country vibe.  He’s posed on the slippery steps like a pimp mack daddy.  He’s actually pretty good and I think he is connecting well, but he needs to work on his dancing.  He keeps doing squats on stage.  Steven says he “tweeks everybody.”  JHO and DAWG say it wasn’t his best perf.  DAWG calls the low notes “the ladykiller.”  Peaches asks if the “voice inside his head is that low too.”  Good one Peaches!

Pia is on deck with “All in Love is Fair.”  She looks great, but I find the perf a little sleepy.  She also gets the “come to Jesus” talk from JHO and needs to work the stage more.  Steven looks like he is taking a nap.  DAWG wants her to do more up-tempo.  Steven tells her “if steppin’ out and puttin’ on some sneakers and kickin’ some ass is what she needs to do it’s fine by me.”  Right now the FCC is calling their legal team.  Peaches shows off the back of Pia’s “coture” and it really is a gorgeous dress on her.

Paul is singing “Tracks of My Tears”, another personal favorite of mine.  I actually like it and I am glad that his Gumby dancing little Elaine from Seinfeld movements are a bit more under control.  Hair and makeup need to go sit in the corner ‘cuz Paul has some serious flyaways.  Steven is twirling whatever that cockatoo hell is in his hair.

Sidebar:  Peaches notes that DAWG has set a record and not said “pitchy” at all yet so far.  Steven is sitting again like he is in a sandbox, does he not understand he is on live television?

Exotic Flower is singing “Dancing in the Streets.”  Lord help us all, she is going to add African Dance into her performance and she is flailing around looking like she fell into a Good Will donation box.  She breaks into her dance section looking like a crazed whacked out crack whore.  Steven loves it says it “Was E to the Z oh tweedle dee dee.”  JHO got the goose bumps and DAWG really liked it “good lookin’ out.”  Nigel Lithgoe from “So You Think You Can Dance” is there and looks as happy as a little girl.  I just can’t get into Naima, she looks like the kind of girl who would be a bunny boiling psycho.

James is singing “Livin’ For the City.”  Hold on to your wigs and keys folks, I think he may blow the roof off the dump…uh oh we get a few little kicks from James, but I really like him and he reminds me a lot of Adam Lambert.  He’s getting’ the DAWG head bobble.  A very solid, high-energy perf by Jamesey and he is such a great performer.  Steven has that ol’ lady look on his face and he looks like an old used-up clam.  The audience is going wild.  JHO comments on the “back step” and says he leaves her “speechless which isn’t easy to do.”  DAWG uses his phrase “get in the pocket.”  Steven says sometimes you need to be a little bit “crazy”, but a bit un-PC since James has Turrets!  Peaches is all sarcastic tonight and says that the “problem is that James isn’t comfortable in front of crowd.”  It looks like the FOX intern forgot to put the lifts in Peaches’ shoes or milk crate he stands on.  He is really a small man.

Overall a very good show with some stellar performances.  Now on to the results, which I heard were crack house rat crazy.

Results Show

What in the GD Dollar General fu*kery hell is JHO wearing?  She looks like a gimcrack Hollywood boulevard hooker.

Peaches saunters out with his winning smile, he looks excited and says the results may shock us.  Well I don’t like the sound of that at all.  JHO’s bitch, Mark Anthony is on hand to help the contestants who have problems being pitchy DAWG.  Mark drops the F’Bomb, good thing this part was pre-recorded.

Peaches is razzing JHO about the “interesting pillow talk” that the commentary from Mark will provide.  Then I am not f’ing kidding, Steven mouths “hot sex” to the camera.  He is incorrigible, but then again he has the “Rock Star License to Kill.”

We get a surprise visit from Stevie Wonder and he glides out on his platform and everyone goes ape sh!t crazy.  He sings happy birthday to Steven rendering him speechless.

Sidebar:  The sponsors are plugging their wares like a 9-fingered whore this season.

Pia, Scotty, and Little Lauren are all safe.  Sugarland performs and I hit the fast forward on the DVR.  But first…what in the GD fu*ck sh!t hell is the female singer wearing?  She looks like a friggin easter egg with her color combo.  It looks like Naima threw up on her.  And someone please tell her that jeggings are NOT PANTS!  Tim Gunn would do his little finger wave and say “um…this concerns me.”

They show footage of the contestants wrestling and some of the sh!t they are doing looks like it would really hurt.  They are hitting each other on the head with cookie sheets like rabid monkeys.

James and Paul are up next and they are both in danger, wait it’s Hulk Hogan lookin’ like he has been dipped in a vat of spray tan and coated in Pam cooking spray.  He announces that they are both safe.  Then he fake punches Peaches and he dives into the crowd.  It looks like some peeps could have really been hurt by these childish antics.

Thia, Jacob, and Stefano are next.  Jacob is safe, but Thia and Stefano are not.  Poor Stefano, he looks like he is going to blow his lunch.

Naima, Hailey, and Casey are next.  What in the GD hell is that brokedown weave on the side of Hailey’s head?  The bunny boiler is safe and so is Hailey , but Casey is not.  Naima looks like she wants to cut someone up with a knife.

Jennifer Hudson performs her new single and shows off her deep fried hamhocks she has for thighs.  Actually she does look pretty good.  I kid..I kid…just jokes folks.  George Hough is also singing back-up for her.  I still feel like sometimes the losers do better than the winners.

Peaches sends Thia away from her stool of death and back to the comfy safety couch.  Stefano is safe and he and Casey bond in a tearful hug.  Casey sings for his life and in an unprecedented AI moment, DAWG stops the show!  They use the save, and Casey looks like he is going to chunder or faint.  He’s got his moppy coif back too.  Casey is falling all over the place.  MEDIC…STAT!  He says “Oh my fu*cking god” thanks the judges, he is shaking like a Mexican washing machine and then takes a header right into Peaches’ crotch.  Casey proves he is quite agile and he runs out to the audience and hugs what I presume are Casey’s parents.  Everyone is thrilled and Naima puts away the shiv she fashioned earlier out of an empty Coca-Cola can.  Casey said it scared the “stuff” out of him.  Two will go next week, but all 11 contestants will go on the tour.  I am glad they finally perked up the results show, lately it’s been like watching paint dry.

I am outie 500 folks, until next time.

The Dirty Dozen

We start with a shout out to Japan, which is nice because all of this seems rather frivolous in light of what is going on over there, but as we know…the show must go on.

Sidebar:  I thought of this after I completed last week’s column, but when D. Diddy Dirty Puffy Money or whatever the hell he is callin’ himself these days, used to date JHO.  In fact, they both got arrested over a night club shooting.  I had forgotten about it at the time the show aired, that must have been a bit awkward for them.  It’s a small, small, incestuous world!

I couldn’t figure out why half of the contestants were turning their backs on the camera when introduced, but then I noticed there is audience behind the stage.  That’s new for this year, AI in the round.  How fancy.  Tonight the contestants will sing songs from the year they were born, in other words, “Let’s Make Lisa Feel Old Night.”

Each contestant gets a mini-lecture from the “Butter and Egg Man”, Jimmy Iovine.  He is like the Steven Spielberg of music and he can crush dreams faster than Steven can crush up a Lunesta for snortin’.

We start with our “Exotic Flower” Naima.  She is definitely different, but I still just can’t bring myself to be a fan of hers.  She is going to sing “What’s Love Got to Do With It?”  Big song Naima, big risk.  She creeps down the Hasbro Slippery Steps dressed in red and yellow, lookin’ like a hobo version of Ronald McDonald that just dove into a used toilet.  I am sorry folks, but she is terrible.  There are just some songs that you need to leave alone, Tina Turner’s are definitely one of them.  I bet the DAWG will laugh.  Steven says she has a “sorcerer’s grasp for melody”…uh okay…Steven if I have asked you once, I will ask you twice…stay off the Nepalese Temple Balls.  JHO keeps it real, calls her consistently “pitchy”.  Sidebar:  JHO is rockin’ the hair, very reminiscent of early SJP from SATC (Sex and the City).  DAWG says she is “all over the place.”  He was not laughing.

Paul is next up singing “I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues.”  Please do not slaughter this song, Paul…I beg of you.  He sounds like chunder on toast.  You can tell he doesn’t have the full capacity of his voice.  He’s walking around the stage like a gumby doll bending every which way.  I don’t like it, make it stop, make it stop, my eyes, my ears, can’t sleep, clowns will eat me!  Oh good lord, I cannot un-hear or un-see this.  You can tell as he finishes that he knows he sucked ballz.  JHO gives him false hope by being too nice.  I am sorry, but at this point in the comp, they need to really bring it and Paul did not only NOT bring it tonight, but he took it away like a toy from a misbehaving child.  DAWG gives him a bit of street cred for making it his own.  Steven calls him “cool dude in a loose mood.”  I see Steven got out his “Angry Live Bird-in-a-Bag Kit” and has affixed it to his ear or in his hair, or something.  Steven really needs a cut-n-color or a fluff-n-freshen, or all of the above.  What is going on, is everyone crazy tonight?!?!?!

Thia is up next with “Colors of the Wind” by Vanessa Williams.  Hold on to your wigs and keys, we are headed for a train wreck of epic proportion.  It almost sounds like she loses her words at one point, not sure, but the overall perf is a bit shaky.  One positive, she looks very lovely with her hi-pro-glo.  The song is a bit pageanty or 11th grade talent show.  Wardrobe also should have used a full length slip under the dress, you could see right through the bottom of it.  DAWG felt it was boring and then…he says he feels like he was at a PAGEANT!  I swear, DAWG and I are on the same page.  I admire his perspicacity.  Thia is crestfallen and realizes she really made a bone-head move with this song.

Next up is Turret Boy, James with “I’ll Be There for You” by Bon Jovi.  He does okay, but he didn’t blow my socks off.  JHO is rockin’ out with a full blown Jersey Shore fist pump!  Steven asks him about the dolls he was seen playing with in his “memory lane” video package.  He then says he has “leftover sandwiches under his bed older than him (James).”  Really Steven, for reals?  JHO admits she was “acting a fool”, but she enjoyed his performance.  DAWG gives him props and asks about his boots.  Turns out he has DAWG collars on them!  Steven promises to sing with him in the finale.  Hmm…could it be…foreshadowing?  I sure hope so, James is still my favorite.

Hailey sings next with “I’m Your Baby Tonight” by none other than Whitney Houston.  Have I taught you NOTHING???  Oh Moses smell the roses…you don’t do Whitney, you just don’t do it.  Next stop…Sucksville.  Why is she singing like a baby?  I don’t understand this approach.  And once again the wardrobe department needs to be put in time-out.  The red sweater with the red matching lips, and high-waisted camel toe pants, yet again.  This probably has to be the worst perf of the night so far.  DAWG is gonna let her have it…JHO compliments how she looks, translation “YOU SUCKED!”  It looks like Hailey got so far down on the mic that she smeared the red lipstick on her chin.  Oh whadda ya’ know, Peaches to the rescue with a tissue.  DAWG is clearly annoyed, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.  He says he is “confused”.  The cheese is falling off of Hailey’s cracker…Steven, can you save the day?  Well, no, he wants to hear more “blues”.  I think Miss Hailey is going to be Cookie Monster Blue as she packs her bags tomorrow night.

Sidebar:  I must take a break as I feel a gummi bear hurling incident coming on.  Hopefully Stefano and Pia can wake up this snooze-fest.

Our resident QT Pie, Stefano, is next with “If You Don’t Know Me By Now” by Simply Red.  I find it amusing how these young kids probably think they are singing the original versions of these songs.  This song was originally recorded by the jersey soul musical group Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes sung by Teddy Pendergrass.  It was originally written for Patti LaBelle, who opted not to record it.  Betcha didn’t know that!  Maybe you did, but I digress.  Stephano does a good job.  Maybe it’s me, maybe I am off tonight, but everybody seems to be just a wee bit sub-par tonight.  Judges seem to really like it, but then again a hyena in a wind tunnel crapping out rusty nails would sound good right about now.  DAWG calls it, originally done by Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes, calls it the best perf of the night.

Pia is next with “Where Do Broken Hearts Go” by Whitney Houston.  OH the humanity, I really hope she can pull this off.  I get a little nervous when they take on Whitney.  What in the “I Dream of Hot Ass Mess Genie” is she wearing?  I swear this wardrobe department needs to be punished.  They are going to get such a licking when their father gets home.  Jasmine…uh, I mean Pia, looks like she is about to take off on a magic carpet.  She does okay, but I am not wowed.  Steven says she “nailed it”.  JHO loved the up-tempo choice.  DAWG gives her props on the vocal, she is in it to win it.

Scotty is singing “Can I Trust You With My Heart” by Travis Tritt.  He does okay, but he always sounds the same to me.  He has a great voice for country music, but I would like to see him do something different.  The crowd loves him and JHO says he pushed it out a bit more.  Steven is once again sitting in his chair like he’s in a sandbox.  DAWG wants to see him take more chances as well.

Next up is Karen, who sings “Love Will Lead You Back” by Taylor Dane.  What in the rabid dead animal is on her head?  Now the hair and makeup department need to go sit in the corner facing the wall.  Wardrobe is now in the penalty box.  Take their enchanted laundry hamper away!  She is dressed like she should be on the Mod Squad.  Now I am confused, who is she, who is Karen as an artist?  Her vocal is sub-standard, not great.  What is going on tonight?  DAWG says it was better than last week.  Steven loves her “ethnic what-it-is-ness.”  Exsqueeze me…baking powder?  Holy F’ballz, what the hell is he talking about?  Some things can never be explained, like why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries?  I just don’t know…

Casey is out of the hospital since developing schpilkis in his ganectagazoink and he sings “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana.  Casey looks a little strange, his hair doesn’t match his beard.  He looks like a monkey wit’ a wig on or “The little bear who itched”.  This is gonna be a tough song…and…and…wait for it…oh boy and he sucks!  Big surprise.  Why are these contestants picking these crazy songs?  DAWG is nodding his head with passion and fervor as if he likes it.  I can’t believe it, Casey sounds like a hot bag of mess.  Then he tries to get all “rock star” on us at the end and he jumps about an inch off the floor trying to look menacing.  Better look out, Paul Bunyan may go destroy a hotel room after this.  They must have pumped him full of tiger blood when he was laid up in the hospital.  Once my ears stopped bleeding, Steven gives him props, says he has the “goop that great stuff is made of.”  It’s goop all right, radioactive goop.  JHO calls him a bit “screechy” and the DAWG likes that he takes a risk, but it’s not the best perf.

Little Lauren has the green-apple nasties and Peaches quickly slips into a medical mask.  I can’t imagine this is going to be a good performance.  She will sing “I’m the Only One” by Melissa Etheridge.  That’s a pretty intense song, should be interesting.  Sidebar:  Why does Lauren’s mother dress like Brit Brit?  Odd, very odd.  Anyhoo, our little Lauren has the flu and it shows, her perf is lackluster.  JHO looks on, disappointed, Lauren looks like she is about to pass out from her 102° fever.  Judges actually really like it, I say put the poor girl to bed, she looks soooo ill.  She coughs on Peaches and he runs.  I would be willing to bet that Ryan is a crazy germaphobe, Howie Mandel style.

Jacob “Lusky Stank” is our final performance with “Alone” by Heart.  Sweet screamin’ monkeys…he tears it up.  He reminds me a bit of Lawrence from Real Housewives of Atlanta.  Maybe next week Jacob will sing “Closet Freak.”  DAWG thought it was great.  JHO is dancing around in her seat.

I have to give the top three to Turret Boy, Stefano and Jacob (in no particular order).  The girls are in trouble, nobody really smashed it.  Judges say they have a “hot competition”, we shall see what tomorrow night brings…Lee DeWyze is performing and the Black Eyed Peas.  Catch y’all on the flipside where someone gets their ass bounced.  Peaches…OUT!

The Tribe Has Spoken

The judges come out and WTF is JHO wearing?  She looks like a banana cream pie.  Peaches comes down Hasbro’s slippery steps to start the show and announces that Casey is sick in the hospital.  That is not a good sign.  We get a short little bit of the convention center that the contestants are living in.

Sidebar:  I could really live without these group musical numbers at the beginning of the results show.  They should really cut the show to 30 minutes and just get the freak on wit’ it!

Oh for cripes sake, now we have to sit thru the “Ford Music Video”.  I have now switched from gummi bears to gummi worms.  They fly better.

Now we have to watch the contestants go to the premiere of “Red Riding Hood”.  This is 27 kinds of f*ckery, but thank goodness for TiVo and I can fast forward through this debacle.

Okay, finally…we have Jacob, Karen, and Stephotto.  What is wrong with Steven, he looks higher than a crack house rat!  Karen is in the bottom three.  Go take a seat on the reject stool.

We get a visit from old contestant Adam Lambert.  Funny thing is, I cannot remember who beat him in the competition.  It seems like the ones that don’t win have more successful careers.  Then JHO is teaching Adam how to “duggy”?  No clue what they are talking about.

Lauren, Ashton, and Haley…Lauren says that she “sucked”, but she is safe.  Why does Hailey have birds in her hair now?  Ashton and Hailey are both sent to the stools of death.

Everyone else in the comp is safe, but one of the bottom three could get “the save”.  Oh but first we must listen to “Diddy Dirty Money” sing “Razor Blades in My Ears”.

Karen is safe, she gives her hugs, Peaches is like “get off me and take a seat.”  Hailey is also safe and Ashton gets to sing one last time for the save.  She goes with Diana Ross again, which is a mistake. She can’t quite get her game face on, she looks like she ate some tainted clams.  JHO delivers the brick-in-the-face and Ashton is going home.  Adios, you’re in a cab, you’re vapor.

See y’all next week!

Some Flop, Some Pop

Contestants will perform a song by their own personal idol.  If anyone comes out and sings a Brit Brit song, you better believe that the gummi bears will fly.

Lauren

She sings “Any Man of Mine” by Shania Twain.  The producer, Don Was, who she is working with looks like a pot head that just crawled out of his cardboard box.  Don Was…not able to comb his hair today.  Lauren does okay, she looks adorable and at least she is dressed age appropriately.  Steven says he wishes it would have been more “kick ass” and Lauren looks like the cheese fell off her cracker.

Seth Rogan (A.K.A. Casey)

He sings “Have a Little Help From My Friends” by Joe Cocker.  He does a pretty good job with it, the crowd goes ape sh!t.  Steven calls him a “Plethora of passion.”  Good word use Steven.

Ashton

She is going to sing a Diana Ross song “When You Tell Me That You Love Me.”  I sure hope she can pull it off…Steven and DAWG are bobbing their heads.  I think her performance was a bit weak, not her best.  And what is with her pointy witch fingernails?  Judges seem to be a little vanilla on the performance.

Paul

He sings a Ryan Adams song that I have never heard before.  I actually really dislike this performance.  He sounds like a crazy perv and he’s jumping around the stage like a rabid chicken.  What’s with the little kicks?  Is he Elaine from Seinfeld?  Steven called him a little pitchy.  I call him a little CRAZY!  Then Peaches does a pretty funny impression of him jumping around like he has a mouse in his underwear.

Pia

Oh mother of all that is good and descent, she is going to sing “All By Myself” by Celine Dion.  She is too young to know that it is actually not a Celine song, but it was originally done by Eric Carmen.  Miss Pia just lost a few points with me due to the sheer fact that Celine is her idol.  Hopefully she can pull this out of the hat.  I think it was a bit too similar to her last performance, but not as good.  JHO thinks it did top last week.  DAWG is in awe, “very hot, dope, cool performance.”  Was it hot or cool DAWG?  Steven says she “polished that apple” and slammed it.  She is still great, but for me it’s going to be hard to top her “Stand by You” perf from last week.

James (A.K.A. Turret Boy)

He is going to sing Paul McCartney’s “Maybe I’m Amazed.”  An excellent song and the judges heads are a-bobblin’.  For someone with his affliction, he seems right at home performing on the stage.  DAWG says he slayed it and that he is “dangerous.”  Steve said he “just kicked it into the middle of next week.”  He delivers the best perf of the night so far in my opinion.

Haley

She is singing “Blue” from LeAnn Grimes.  She is working with “Rock Mafia” on her vocal.  So, what if we don’t like her performance, we might get whacked?  Steven appears to be liking it, he is smiling and be-bopping like a teenager.  She actually sounds okay, but she tends to pull faces when she sings and it’s distracting to me.  You can tell DAWG doesn’t like it because he can’t contain his laughter.  HE calls it “sleepy and boring.”  Haley looks like a stunned mouse in a dixie cup and Steven and JHO give the DAWG the death stare.  If she can’t take constructive criticism she will never make it in the music business.  Hey DAWG, don’t sit with your back to the door.

Jacob

Peaches is asking him about his career at the spa and then there is something about a “wet room” and Peaches immediately becomes uncomfortable.  Something tells me, Peaches you little weasel, you know exactly what that is.  He performs R. Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly.”  I think Jacob will probably kill it.  I get the feeling that our boy Jacob plays for the other team, not that there’s anything wrong with that!  He’s all over it like a cheap suit and the judges love it.

Thia

Her idol is Michael Jackson and she is going to sing “Smile.”  She sounds a little “Holiday Inn Express Loungey” to me.  DAWG didn’t like the “jazzy” bit, Stevie agrees.  Thia looks like she’s about to hurl monkey clumps.  I think part of the problem is these youngins don’t know how to take criticism.

Sidebar:  Peaches asks Steven about his workstation and he whips out a fan and says “this is my biggest fan.”  Oh Steven, you’re such a card.

Stephano

He is going to sing “Lately” by Stevie Wonder.  Not my favorite performance by him, but hubba hubba, oh you kid.  He is cuter than a plate full o’ peanut butter sangwiches.  Judges actually really dig it.

Karen

Well surprise, surprise, she is going to do “I Could Fall in Love” by Selina.  I am sure she will win points with JHO since she played Selina in the movie about her life.  I think the perf is a bit rocky, but I do like the way she’s dressed, she looks great.  Ohhh…JHO doesn’t like it!  Well I guess nobody could do it as good as she did.  DAWG calls it “sleepy”, does somebody need a nap?

Scottie

Gee, again what a surprise, he is going to do “The River” by Garth Brooks.  He has the crowd on their feet and he seems to sing it quite effortlessly.  DAWG loved it, Steven says something that makes no sense, I think he’s been hittin’ the Nepalese temple balls again.

Naima (A.K.A. What in the Hepatitis C is This Hot Ass Mess)

She is going to sing “Umbrella” by Rhianna.  She is working with “Tricky” who actually produced the song.  It’s gonna be tricky all right.  Her outfit looks like a concoction of items found in wadded up napkins.  She is all ghetto on stage and I don’t even think she sounds that good.  All the sudden it appears that she thinks she is on “So You Think You Can Dance.”  Steven gives his critique and says she’s “pitchy”, JHO really liked it.  DAWG is laughing again, but he says he liked the reggae part.  It’s kinda funny how Peaches always puts his arm around every contestant and hugs them, but he will not touch her with a ten foot pole.  Oh wait, he gives her a quick pat on the back and her broke-down weave gets stuck in his microphone.

See you on the flip-side for the results show.

Wild Cards on the Table

Sidebar:  Would someone please tell JHO that leggings are not pants?  Carson Kressley would have her ass if he could see her right now.

Sidebar 2:  Why is Steven dressed like a gay swashbuckler in that hot pink ruffled number?  Oh, because he’s a f*cking rock star, that’s why.

Most of the results show is boring recap.

Judges pick Ashton to sing first.  She sings “I’m Not Going” by Jennifer Hudson.  Ashton is actually pretty good and I think she is very likeable.

Next contestant to sing for his life is our cute little Stephano.  He sings “I Need You Now.”  JHO is excited and DAWG says “good lookin’ out.”

Kendra is next up and she sings “Georgia on My Mind.”  How many times will we hear this song on this show, 987?  DAWG said it was “very nice.”

Johnny Bravo is chosen to sing next and he chooses his “Angel” song.  JHO says he “did all he could do.”  Hmm…prognosis NEGATIVE.

Naima is chosen next and Steven calls her “my own little Porgy and Bess rolled up into one.”  She sings “For All We Know.”  Her outfit choices are just hideous.  She breaks down sobbing after she finishes.

Next Peaches announces the end of the road for Ta-Tynista, Lauren Turner, Julie, and Rachel.

Last shot goes to Robbie who sings “Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word.”  I am quite surprised the judges picked him.

End of the road for Junebug, Johnny Bravo, Tim, and Simply Red.

JHO says judges aren’t ready with their decision, so Peaches introduces JHO’s video.  How convenient.  We are treated to the premiere of her new song “Autotune at it’s Finest.”

Judges give another chance to Ashton, Stephano, and Naima.  Looks like I am finally caught up, I will be back tomorrow with the roundup from this weeks show.

Girls, Girls, Girls

Sidebar:  Why does Steven have a bird in his hair like the crazy bus driver character on South Park?

Ta-Tynisa

She sings “Only Girl in the World.”  She’s okay, but she sounds a little pitchy to me DAWG.  She was twirling about on the stage like a little whirling dervish.  JHO and Steven like it, but the DAWG agrees with me and he wasn’t moved.  OHRS points out to the DAWG that “it takes a lot to move you.”

Naima

She kinda scares me, she looks like a scary clown or drag queen who dipped his face in a bucket of lead paint.  She takes on “Summertime”, but again I am reminded of when Fantasia sang this and I don’t think she compares.  That yellow dress she has on is a hot ass mess.  It looks like she wrapped a curtain around herself.  JHO calls her an “exotic flower.”  DAWG again agrees with me about Fantasia and he calls her a little “loungey.”

Kendra

OHRS says she was selling bathtubs?  Errr?  Oh well, she sings a song I have not heard before, some Christina song about “Impossible.”  She comes out lookin’ a little janky in pleather camel toe pants.  Steven comments on the clothes, and he likes them.  The judges like her.

Rachel Zevita

I am not a big fan of her, she comes out in some kind of cape and her performance of “Criminal” is a bit too burlesque for me.  Steven calls it “Broadway.”  DAWG says “it wasn’t good.”  Oooh…DAWG spewing venom tonight!

Karen

Our Latin sensation sings “Hero.”  She breaks into a Spanish mid-song.  She has a pretty descent voice, but I am not wild about the language cross-over.  Of course JHO has goose bumps.  I don’t think she will really find her niche with America.

Lauren Turner

She performs a song I have never heard, something about “Really Gonna Love You.”  DAWG is moving his head around like he is having a seizure.  I don’t know what’s up with the wardrobe department, but she looks like an oversized disco ball and then she has these wedgie moon boots on.  DAWG loves it says “that’s how you do it man!”  JHO wants to see her get in the face of the camera more.

Ashton

Again, the wardrobe department seems to have gone blind.  Why are they ho-ing up these young girls in bustiers and camel toe pants?  I have not heard the song she sings.  Steven nicknames her “Jonesey.”  JHO says she has the makings of a Diva.  DAWG compares her to Diana Ross.  OHRS admires her camel toe, uh I mean outfit.

Julie

Julie always wears these dresses that flare way out at the bottom, she must have some junk in the trunk.  She sings a Kelly Clarkson song, “Break Away.”  Hmm…big shoes to fill Julie.  I find her to be okay, not great.  DAWG looks like he’s ready for a nap.  The judges don’t really like it either, she didn’t bring anything new to the song.

Haley

She sings “Fallin’” by Alecia Keys.  This was the one song that contestants would sing that would always piss off Simon Cowell.  If he is watching somewhere, I bet he is throwing gummi bears at his television.  Again, the wardrobe department has dressed her like a janky ho.  DAWG give his critique calls her “karaoke” and she looks like she’s about to chunder.  Steven disagrees and DAWG is screaming “WHAT? WHAT?”, JHO gives DAWG a “shush!”  Steven says “If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.”

Sidebar:  Why is Steven sitting in his chair like he’s in a sandbox?

Thia

She sings “On My Own” and she is actually very good and finally a contestant dressed appropriately for her age.  Steven called her “pitch perfect.”  DAWG says her tone reminds him of the “late great Michael Jackson.”  I am not sure what that means, DAWG must be smokin’ something during the commercial breaks.

Little Lauren Alaina

She sings a song I haven’t heard, “Turn On the Radio” or something.  If I have to see GD camel toe pants one more time, I’m gonna hurl.  JHO calls her “a natural.”  DAWG says she reminds him of Kelly Clarkson meets Carrie Underwood.  Lauren apparently calls OHRS “Peaches.”  I think we found a new nickname for OHRS.

Pia

She sings “I’ll Stand By You” and I have nothing comical to say about this performance.  She moved me to tears.  Oh wait, she gets a standing O from the judges and JHO reveals her ham-hock thigh.  Steven says “after Monday and Tuesday even a week says WTF.”  Seriously, Pia was perfection.

So our girls Thia and Pia blew the roof off the dump.

Guys, guys, guys

Sidebar:  First off, Steven looks like he his suffering from a low flow shower head.  Remember that Seinfeld episode where their hair was all flat???

Junebug

“Very superstitious” he does okay, but I am still not over what he did to Cheechako.  I will get over it in time, but I am still mad.  He will pay the price my friend…oh yes he will.

Johnny Bravo (A.K.A Holiday Inn Express)

I am not a fan and I don’t think I need to say anything more here.  Dawg agrees with me.

Jordan Dorsey (A.K.A. Nitro Burnin Bitch)

I will revert back to my hyena OD’ing on lentils and farting into a fan.

Tim Halperin

Again, not great.  OMFG…I am turning into Simon Cowell.

Bret (A.K.A. Simply Red)

Thank God hair and makeup finally got some Frederick Fekkai product into his hair.  I rather enjoyed him, I think he did great.

Turret Boy

He slams the Judas Priest song and performs over the top.  Another one of my faves.  Dawg says “this is how you do it!” and calls him “nice and tasty.”  I think Dawg is craving a Whopper Jr. with cheese. (no onion or tomato, extra ketchup).

Robbie “the nose always knows” Rosen

Not impressed, he takes on a Sarah McLaughlan song and sucks ass.  Dawg agrees with me.  Is it evident that I have been watching this show for all 10 seasons and I know whassup?

Scotty

He sings “Letters From Home”, again not impressed, but I am sure he will get big fan votes.

Stefano Langone

Is it wrong that I love him?  He’s so cute, I just want to put him in my pocket and take him home.  I think Chris Hansen is about to walk around the corner and ask me to take a seat and offer me some sweet tea.  Dawg agrees with me, he did a great job.

Paul McDonald

He sounds a lot like Rod Stewart, but I think that’s the irony in his song choice, “Maggie May.”  For reals?  Show some range, my god man.

Jacob

He could sell bubblegum in the lockjaw ward at Bellevue.  Judges compare him to Luther Vandross.  He ROCKS.

Casey Abrams (A.K.A. Seth Rogan)

He put a “spell” on us all right.  He is ape sh!t good.

That’s all for the guys, I will move on to the girls next.  I know I am behind, but I am catching up.

The show must go on…

Karen Rodriguez

JHO is a fan, because she sucked up to her and performed Selina songs.  I am not a big fan of the Spanish signing only because I feel that if you are going to live in the United States you need to learn English.

Robbie “the nose always knows” Rosen

He actually tackles an Elton song and pulls it out da’ box.  He gets thru with his anchorman hairdo and our Dawg calls him a genius.

Tatanyinisa

First of all, who names their kid Tatanyistia?  Dawg says she “took a nosedive.”  I can’t even believe this girl got thru.  She is not good at all.

Tim Halperin

He makes it, and deservedly so.

Julie Zorilla

Well our little girl who is going to land Steven in Graybar Hotel makes it.  She is so excited she picks up our little elf OHRS.

Two County Dudes

OHRS mocks Scotty and sings the same song that he kept singing, which was kinda funny.  He admitted he didn’t step up for our littl cheechako.  He has a good voice, he won’t win, but someone will sign him.

John Wayne takes a dirt nap…oh well, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

Sidebar:  What’s up with the nasty, dirty, exit door.  Maybe that comes from what I do for a livin’, but damn, it needs some paint.

Johnny Bravo

I am not crazy about him, maybe it’s just me.  Judges let him thru, but we shall see.  He said he was singing on a ship, but did I not say that he sounded “Holiday Inn Express” to me?

Lauren Turner

She makes it thru, although I don’t see it.  I think I am turning into Simon Cowell.

Rachel Zevita

Her mom and grandma are hilarious.  They are flirting with OHRS.  That just ain’t right.  She makes it thru, but I am not sure about her either.  I just ended a phrase on a proposition, didn’t I?

Kendra Chantele

Forgettable.  Damn I am really turning into Simon.

Jordan Dorsey

Judges gave him a lecture on his attitude, which I am glad because he is a nitro burnin’ bitch.  He gets thru, but again, he won’t make it because of his rotten disposition.

My Little Lauren

What in the hot holy f*ck sh!t is she wearing?  Barbie boots?  But I still love her.

Stefano

He makes it thru, he’s adorable and deserves it.

Jackie Wilson

She takes a dive, JHO says she “didn’t make it out of the blocks.”  Wha what?  It’s “didn’t make it out of the box.”  Duh JHO, DUH!  Jackie leaves with her silver fox.

Jacob Lusk

Dawg states that Jacob’s perf of “God Bless the Child” was the best they have heard to date on Idol ever.  I beg to differ with the Dawg, my favorite perf was Fantasia Barinio doing “Summertime.”  She blew it out da’ box.  Awww well Dawg, I guess we will just have to agree to disagree.  Anyhoo, back to Jacob, Steven says “shut the front door”, well shut the front door, close the windows, and all the blinds because Jacob ROCKS.  It’s like there’s a party in his mouth and everyone’s invited.

Sidebar:  We return from commercial break and Steven says “holy crumb cakes.”  Do you even mean to begin to tell me that Steven even knows what a crumb cake is???

Pia Toscano

She gets thru and I have already watched the other two episodes, but I will save that for my later column.  She is one of my new faves,

Turret Boy

Another one of my faves.  He will also get signed no matter how he fares in the comp.  Steven says “I’ll have what he’s having.”  Then he states that James did a better job than he did on “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.  Talk about the ultimate compliment!  Then Steven says one of my favorite quotes “Go Big or Go Home.”  I think this kid is going places.

Casey Abrahms

He’s here to prove he’s “Sexy.”  Yeah well, I’m too sexy for my shirt.  He goes all “Charlie Sheen” on our ass and destroys the furniture on the stage.

Jessica Cunningham and Thia Megia

Thia gets thru and they cut Jess after her 7th audition and her birthday nonetheless.  She flips a double bird and that solidifies their decision for me.

Bret, Casey, and Colton

Bret is shaking once again like a Mexican washing machine.  Bret is the only one that makes it thru, our littl Cheechako was cute and adorable, but not ready.  Colton was good too, but apparently not good enough for our judges.

I will work on my columns over the next day or two…sorry for being late…sometimes life gets in the way.