Chateau She Di’int!

Well folks, it’s finally the finale and the unveiling of the semi-finished Chateau Shereé…let’s get to the good stuff, tout de suite!  SBS has all hands on-deck, her party planning team is working overtime and they have the handsome pay stubs to prove it.  Unlike Johnnie, who is still pursuing his wage lawsuit against Kandi Koated Entertainment, but more on that later…

The housewarming party is five years in the making and if that wasn’t bad enough, SBS decides the party needs to have a masquerade theme.  SBS will be masquerading as someone who has money to actually pay for all of this.  Things are clicking along, until SBS finds out that the incorrect appliances were delivered so she will not have a refrigerator or stove present for the party.  That’s what happens when you purchased refurbished floor models, sometimes things get mixed up!  She has a li’l “who gon’ check me boo” moment, but her construction manager fires up the hot plate and fills the Styrofoam coolers with dry ice, you got this guuurrrrl!

who-gon-check-me-boo

Meanwhile, across town, Kandi takes Riley to her favorite hibachi restaurant, but they are missing out on the best part because they are sitting at one of those sad li’l tables on the side, rather than at an actual hibachi grill.  There will be no onion volcano for you li’l girl, this is a serious dinner, whereby you will pretend to try and form a relationship with your estranged, ne’er-do-well father.  Right on cue, Block walks in and sits down to receive his heaping helping of awkward.  Riley lets him listen to her recorded song and he has a sneaking suspicion that it’s written about him.  Man, say what you will about Block, but dayum he one sharp marble!  OY!

Sharp as marble

He asks Kandi to leave the table and she agrees it’s a good idea to give them some alone, bonding time.  Riley looks like she’d rather be contracting e-coli at Chipotle than conversating with this knob, or conversating with anyone for that matter!  Kandi returns after two minutes and Block announces that he feels Riley has been brainwashed.  This sets off a kerfuffle between Kandi and Block, but Riley points out that he is the adult so he is brainwashed if he thinks he resembled anything of a father.  Sensing that he is fighting a losing battle and that he looks particularly reprehensible on camera, he asks to wipe the slate clean and move forward.

In other reprehensible acts, Counselor Parks takes a second meeting with Johnnie and the employment attorney regarding his alleged lawsuit against Kandi.  Although the firm declines to represent him with regard to the OLG restaurant idea, they are salivating at the opportunity to represent him in the wage claim.  The angle will be violation of federal law regarding minimum wage, to which Counselor Parks offers up her “basic calculation” indicating that Johnnie was paid via loose change from Kandi’s pleather couch cushions, whilst working tirelessly to find feather dancers for Kandi’s “Coming to America” themed wedding.

Meanwhile, Kandi is laying out her Kandi Koated bondage themed outfit for the SBS masquerade housewarming when she receives a call from Don Juan.  He gives her the news about Johnnie’s complaint being filed, but Kandi has no fear.  She will dip in to her Tyler Perry, mogul-status, frivolous lawsuit fund and lawyer up.  Kandi knows Phaedra is behind this and she plans to confront her at the housewarming party.

As Phaedra oils up and slides into her Spanx, her date for the party shows up and is none other than Dwight, he is pinched, cinched, and ready to party.  He graciously lies to her by saying she looks fabulous in her dress, which is pinching her back fat within an inch of its life.

Porsha has some nominal screen time this week, which is a nice reprieve from her goofy-ass shenanigans.  She and Lauren visit their father’s grave, whereby Porsha has an epiphany, she is glad that low-rent Todd didn’t go for the baby-nup.  She needs somebody more kick-ass, like her father, who knew how to stand up and be a man!  However, low-rent Todd and his chunky Ralph Lauren sweater will suffice for now as her date for the Chateau Shereé extravaganza.

Now that we’ve had our tray-passed appetizers, let’s get to the meat.  It’s the night of the big party, SBS is in hair and makeup and she forms a prayer circle to find the strength to pull this off without appliances.  Security on deck to keep the nosey beyotches out of the unfinished, dusty areas – CHECK.  Holiday light projector found in storage, perfect for radiating “Chateau Shereé” onto the side of the house and inside walls – CHECK.  Cirque de Soleil reject twirling on a contraption over the Rent-A-Center coffee table – CHECK!

Chateau SBS Light

As the ladies arrive, they start kibitzing about the latest happenings at the OLG restaurant opening, but nobody was there for the baby-back ribs girlfriend, it was all about Apollo’s girlfriend and her search for her 15 minutes of fame.  Phaedra and Porsha conveniently take a hike so the rest of the group can talk shit.  Porsha fills Phaedra in on the OLG opening happenings, of course Phaedra thinks Kandi and Todd plotted to invite Apollo’s latest prison pen-pal.

The drama is cut short by the grand entrance of SBS in her hideous black and gold gown, looking like an insane matador from one of the square states.  She has actually hired gown-fluffers, as if she’s a bride or getting ready to break out into a Paso Doble on Dancing with the Atlanta Stars.

SBS grand entrance

The party starts to take on the appearance of a D-list celebrity death match.  It’s a parade of housewives past, Lisa Wu from the first two seasons shows up, but the real fun begins when Wigs-n-Cigs rolls in.  Oh, dear reader, her red Solo cup is full o’ boxed wine and she is ready to rumble.

Kenya saw the bat signal and made her way over the bog.  She can’t afford the $3.00 tour, so like a housewife removing groceries from her order at the cashier, she finds a way to make it work!  She recruits Kandi to dart past secuuuurrrrity and poke around in search of unfinished drywall and dusty baseboards.  They end up in the basement, which is shockingly…UNFINISHED!  Kenya feels she has hit the shade jackpot, but she is grasping at straws.  The real dirt is in the appliance-less kitchen!  Apparently, secuuuurrrrity consists of some beyotch with a top-knot who is totally asleep at the wheel.  She yells at Kenya and Kandi to get the hell out of the basement.  SBS is giving Wigs-n-Cigs a tour as said secuuuurrrrity runs in to inform her of the basement breach.  Kenya and Kandi trail in as she’s yelling “these beyotches be in yo’ basement!”  Wigs-n-Cigs ain’t havin’ it and now that she is SBS’ ride or die, she lays into Kenya.  Kenya mentions she will not be takin’ any shit from “octomom”, and the two start to exchange words.  SBS tries to forge ahead with the $3.00 tour and Kenya keeps pointing out all the ways that Chateau Shereé has copied or is inferior to Moore Manor.  Meanwhile, in the bedroom Wigs and Kandi are sorta making peace and Kenya is interfering with all the zen.  Wigs finally asks Kenya point-blank, “why are you just being an asshole?”

Wigs Cigs

She lays into her about her vagina falling out of her dress, not having a baby, or a real man at home.  Kenya fires back, six kids by three different men, a husband who has no job, and duck lips.  Dauym…while all of this is going on Frick and Frack are frolicking in the bathroom like two toddlers who have gotten into their mom’s makeup case.

Wigs and Kenya supply the pyrotechnics as they continue taking shots at each other.  SBS decides to put the kibosh on the fight, she whips off the skirt portion of her gown, as if she were a matador ready for a bull fight.  Under the gown is a catsuit, supplying ample camel toe for all to enjoy.  The camel toe has a calming effect and has squashed the drama, for now.

At the end of the night, Kandi and Phaedra sit down to finally confront their issues.  Kandi tells her she didn’t invite Apollo’s girlfriend to the OLG opening, she had nothing to do with it, and she even offers the Counselor an apology.  Which frankly, she didn’t have to do.  Kandi is doing that thing where she flies above the drama, at least until the reunion, where it appears her flight is shot down by Kamikaze cast mates.  Kandi asks Phaedra about her involvement with Johnnie’s lawsuit, but Phaedra claims she can’t speak about it and only offers that she didn’t initiate the action.  Sure, it wasn’t my idea, but when Johnnie brought it to me, I was on that shit like a hobo on a Lysol infused rag.  Kandi isn’t buyin’ what she’s sellin’, and rounds out the night, “you hate while I be great!”

In conclusion:

  • Phaedra – has her own legal woes, a judge sided with Apollo and threw out their divorce settlement, even though he’s technically still “engaged”.
  • Kandi – rakes in the coins, has more Grammy’s than anyone on this show, she co-wrote a song for Ed Sheeran.
  • Cynthia – celebrated her 50th birthday with a photo of her in a birthday suit. She and Papa Smurf are both back on Tinder, but they are not swiping right on each other.
  • Porsha – still living alone in her rented McMansion, she launched a new gimmick, a cleanse called “The Dump”, how apropos! Nothing new with her and Todd, or his chunky sweater.
  • Kenya – producing a PSA on domestic violence and the dangers of hiring D-rate actors to pose as boyfriends. She invited SBS over to Moore Manor to show her some tips on finishing a basement.
  • SBS – lives at the Chateau, despite rumors that it’s uninhabited. She is also collecting dirt for the sequel to her novel.

Next week – it’s part one of 83 of the reunion.

A Festivus for the Rest of Us

We open this week with Phaedra deciding she is going to throw some sort of odd combination party that will encompass the holidays and the fact that she is filing for divorce from her unhinged, power drill wielding, convict husband.  Regardless, this will be a Festivus to remember since she is enlisting the help of Dwight, party planner extraordinaire.  Send Dwight skipping off to Hobby Lobby with his 40% off coupon and fire up the hot glue gun, there is no stopping him!

Porsha stops by to check in on her bestie Phaedra.  Phaedra informs her that she is going to perform a clog dance at said party.  Porsha shrugs it off with utmost disinterest, as if Phaedra has said something insignificant like, “I’m considering buying generic Ziploc® bags.”  Now, I ask you dear viewer, what kind of a bestie is this?  I would certainly want my bestie to ask me if I was out of my ever-lovin’ mind and please reconsider said clog dance performance.  I suppose there are more important matters on Porsha’s insipid mind, such as the story she ran across at Dish Nation about the Feds busting down Kandi’s door in order to seize Apollo’s motorbike and then busting down Cynthia’s door for his collection of Bicentennial coins.  Apparently, Apollo owes the government a hefty sum of restitution, so Counselor Parks is not surprised…or did Phaedra drop a dime to the Feds?  More on that later…

Kandi is due in seven weeks can she can barely hoist her ass up into Todd’s F250 pickup truck.  As they ride to the cemetery to pay respects to Todd’s mother, Kandi fantasizes about getting a boob job and a reduction so that her breasts don’t look like pancakes with a single raisin on the end, hanging on for dear life.  That’s an interesting analogy, excuse me while I get my cheese grater to scrape that image off my brain.

Pancake boob

Anyhoo…they arrive at the cemetery and we learn that Ace will have middle name of “Wells”, which was Sharon’s last name.  They place the flowers at the gravesite and we see the tombstone, which reads “Sharon Joel Wells – A loving mother and life of the party.”  And that she was…

Matt stops by Kenya’s house and he brings her two puppies, which he purchased as a gift for her.  Kenya names them King and Twirl and then places them on the floor to roam the house as if they have already been living there for six months.  Kenya is trying to pick out something to wear to Phaedra’s holiday party and we learn a very critical fact here, Kenya grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness, so she never celebrated holidays.  Why have we not heard about this before?

Cynthia enlists the help of her sister to move furniture around and set up a massage table so that she can have a romantic evening with Papa Smurf, since Cynthia has decided she can stomach him without clothes.  Peter arrives home and Cynthia announces she will be his masseuse for the evening, happy ending and all.  He is immediately down for that and can’t get his clothes off fast enough.  Cynthia is grossly massaging him, talking about “that special area”, and this is almost too much for T.V.

Then, FOR THE LOVE GOD…Noelle and Leon walk by.  Jezzuz Cynthia, we don’t ask you for much, could you please be sure your daughter and ex-husband have left the area code before you start pummeling your hubby’s pocket monkey?

Thats Gross

As we wrap up this rather lackluster finale, it’s the night of the Festivus for the Rest of Us party.  Phaedra poses Ayden on a pedestal as “Elf on a Shelf” and he is tasked with sitting on a high, wobbly column all night, unattended, handing out li’l bundles o’ coal.  Phaedra also hired Ms. Juicy Baby & Li’l Bit to babysit Dwight.

Festivus party

The only things worth mentioning this miscellaneous Festivus is the meeting of She by Shereé, Tammy, and Bob “Crazy Eye” Whitfield.  Tammy and her Miley Cyrus braids lay it out and ask Bob why he told She by Shereé that they hooked up and warns him not to glare at her with “dat bad eye”.  He claims he “never had sexual relations with that woman” and pleads ignorance due to brain trauma.  Tammy swills her corona and insists that these two “should just get back together” and then clomps away to get in line at the temporary tattoo table.

She by and Bob

Porsha and Shamea show up in paper-thin onesies and furry boots, looking like two penguin tweeners headed to the local rave.  Kim is speechless and Kandi is too busy looking for the chicken finger platter to care.  Kenya walks in dressed in some horrifying green Grinch makeup and she is teeing up the drama for the reunion, asking everyone who they think called the Feds.

Grinch

After Phaedra Phails at her clog dance, the episode ends with the summaries of where each woman is today:

  • Kandi and Todd have their baby Ace and her body allegedly “snapped back”, but she still doesn’t know who called the Feds.
  • Porsha is ready for her stint on Celebrity Apprentice (and we use that term “celebrity” very loosely).
  • Kim is headed to Dancing with the Child Stars
  • Kenya is still working on Moore Manor, complete with a nursery and a fake husband.
  • Cynthia and Peter are still a work in progress and Noelle is in therapy after seeing her mother massaging Papa Smurf’s private parts.
  • Phaedra continues to dial the Feds, and she has not taken the boys back to visit Apollo.

Next week – part 187 of the reunion, Nene prances in wearing a hideous body suit and the ladies read each other like a shady Harlequin romance novel!