The Doctor is IN

Kenya and Phaedra are pretending to shop for glamping, as if they are going on a real trip where they will be “roughing it” and roasting marshmallows on sticks.  Meanwhile, the Bravo intern is hard at work constructing a “Survivor-style” set where they can pretend to sit around and argue to provide enough footage for the last 15 minutes of the next episode.  Phaedra calls Kenya out for throwing around her gasoline and matches at the anger mismanagement non-dinner and suggests she take it easy on ol’ Porsha, but the Glamping supply store is fresh out of their “Irrational Skank Compassion Kit.”  Phaedra gives her the “I’ll take that under advisement” side-eye as she pays for a collapsible poop shovel.

phaedra-side-eye

Porsha is contemplating going on the glamping trip from hell, but not without an anger mismanagement tune up.  The therapist checks in on homework assignments and Porsha admits she was tested.  Doc diagnoses her with a flimsy support system at best and encourages her to go on the trip, map out all the possible scenarios that could go down, and then plan her response to each scenario.  This sounds like an awful lotta paperwork to complete in order to go sit in the dirt and eat raw hot dogs.  If she weren’t contractually obligated to go, I would recommend she stay home and try out her DIY vagina resurfacing kit.

Cynthia stops by Moore Manor and offers her friendship-contract, relationship-counseling, wavering-mediator services to Kenya and Matt.  Kenya agrees that Cynthia should have a sit down with him and I am asking myself “why are we still entertaining this relationship?”  I thought we all agreed after he hulked out and effed up Moore Manor and Range Rover, that we were done with him and done replacing garage windows!  Cynthia sits down with Matt, her trusty notebook, and mechanical pencil.  She asks Matt for succinct bullet points, which she can then transform into a convincing Power Point to take back to Kenya.  Communication, respect, and an occasional turkey sandwich is all she gets out of him.  Cynthia alludes to Kenya being a bit of a drama queen, he a drama king, annnnd the Dr. is OUT!  Matt compensates Cynthia for her professional counseling sesh by giving her a crumpled-up coupon he finds in his pocket for a free snack-size hot wing with drink purchase at Bar None.

dr-is-in

Kenya pops in at Cynthia’s new lake house and they cop a squat on the dock overlooking the green water to review the Matt shakedown.  Cynthia is all like – “uh Matt why you keep breakin’ Kenya’s stuff?”  It boils down to lack of respect, and his reaction is in direct response to her action.  Kenya calls bullshit and her weave hairs stand up.  Cynthia points out the dramatics, but Kenya denies “I’m not that girl, I have evolved, I have been ride or die with you!”  I think she may have that tattooed somewhere on her body.  Cynthia explains that she did stand up for Kenya, but Kenya is not ready to receive this message.  It brings her back to a darker time when Cynthia denied their friendship, but labeled it as “evolving”.  Kenya gets madder than a wet hen, questions Cynthia’s loyalty, then storms off.  Precisely proving Cynthia’s point.

kenya-lake

Kandi throws a surprise white party for Shamea’s engagement, but none of the cast-mates received the white memo.  Shamea arrives, but becomes teary-eyed when she learns Porsha won’t be attending.  Kandi takes the cast-mates up to the roof-top deck for a more intimate shade-throwing sesh.  Kandi explains what’s been going on and why Porsha is MIA, then SBS picks this ripe moment to let the cat out of the bag – Phaedra has been running around town saying that Shamea goes after all of the ATL huzzzbands and her BFFL, Porsha, didn’t defend her.  Shamea is like “whatevs!”  If that were the case, she would have hooked up with Apollo because he made many, many attempts at her.  To top off the shit sundae, she says that Phaedra is no “Southern Belle” and word was very heavy on the streets about Ms. Parks.  Shamea makes her own counter-blasting hand gesture, indicating that Ms. Parks is open for bidness and takes oral transactions.

shamea-shocked

Later, Porsha visits Shamea to make up for her absence at the white-party engagement hootenanny, but Shamea feels that with all of Porsha’s anger mismanagement training, she should have put those personal issues in a box and showed her face by Crayola.  Shamea also asks why her BFFL didn’t defend her in the Phace of Phaedra’s trash talkin’.  Porsha plays dumb, and thinks this was all said in the underground railroad where cameras and mics are forbidden.  ROLL.  THE.  MUTHA.  EFFEN.  TAPE!  Shamea seems fairly forgiving, so she lets it go for now realizing her BFFL is dumb as a box o’ peach pits.

It’s the day of the glamping trip, and we are treated to the dueling pre-party snack-spreads of calamity.  Kenya actually puts out a descent spread for the ladies in anticipation of much fortitude required for riding the li’l party bus from hell.

kenya-spread

Over at Chateu She Ain’t Doin’ Shit over there…SBS puts a card table on her front porch with some mini-muffins still in the store-bought containers, a roll of paper towels, lukewarm champagne, and plastic cups.  If I didn’t know any better, I would think she was prepping for the Bad Mom’s bake sale.

sbs-bake-sale

Cynthia arrives at Kenya’s, waving her “it’s all good” white flag in hopes that she hasn’t entered breach of friend contract territory.  Cynthia reassures Kenya that she always has her back, they toast, and make up.  Phaedra arrives and is more preoccupied about the disappearance of Porsha at all recent Bravo-mandated events.  How can she Frick without her Frack?

A few foreclosed lots away, Marlo is first to arrive at SBS and her sad display.  Marlo is wearing a statement necklace, which appears as if it could decapitate her at any moment.  Marlo is not down for glamping, all she has packed are 5” heels and her dominatrix gear.  Porsha shows up, but she has a new Frick in her back pocket by way of sister/manager/peach-holdin’ wannabe, Lauren.  And they are dressed exactly alike in cheap tank tops and cut-off Daisy Duke’s.  Porsha tries to have a chat with SBS, whom she lovingly dubs “Ms. Messy”.  But SBS will not be destroyed, she felt it was only fair to share the gossip with all of America.  SBS holds the peach of truth and will not rest until these crazy beyotches stop talkin’ about each other!

Once they are all aboard the party bus, everyone starts becoming quite miffed about various things.  Kandi has a plus one with her friend Hazel, no one seems to want Marlo around, Porsha labels Phaedra and Kenya the new Frack and Whack, and Cynthia asks why Lauren is there.  Leave it to Porsha to produce a “doctors note”, Phaedra snatches it from her hand and reads it aloud as if it were a joke.  Kandi and Kenya immediately start in, they think Porsha is full of shit.  Phaedra is bummed, they aren’t even outside the city limits and the wheels are coming off the party bus.

Next time – the glamping begins and tensions rise with Marlo and well, everyone.

Advertisements

Anger Mismanagement

It’s like seeing a unicorn on roller skates, Phaedra and Kenya are taking a trip to Michigan a la Thelma and Louise style!  They are throwing caution to the wind, hunni, up until they arrive at the camp where Kenya can’t bring herself to sleep on a luxury cot in “prison” like conditions.  Yes, it seems our Miss USA might be too good to stay at the actual camp and take one for the children.  Phaedra shrugs off Kenya’s diva demonstration and they tour the camp grounds on a dusty golf cart.  Leave it to Kenya to wear all white to a camp ground and leave it to her to shout at the campers, “I was Miss USA”.  The young girls run over to her, not because of her crown, but they are more interested in her teacup terriers.

kenya-car

The next day, Kenya hops on the shuttle from the Holiday Inn Express just in time to deliver her presentation for the “Character Development” portion of the program.  She speaks about having courage to follow her dreams and how she fought to become Miss USA three times.  Just think, if she had given up after being twice rejected, we may not have been blessed with knowing the insane asshole that is Kenya Moore.  She invites some of the girls to join her in shouting from the deck top “I’m Fabulous!” and to learn how to twirl their problems away!  A twirl a day keeps the haters at bay!

On day three, Phaedra is up to bat and she takes the kids out for some fun activities, such as zip line and a boat ride.  Later there’s a talent show and I am praying to the Real Housewife Gods that Kenya won’t start yelling about coochie crack and call SECURRRITYYY!  Some of the boys start sharing their stories about not knowing their parents or witnessing their parents being killed, there is not a dry eye in the house.  Some of the campers gather around Phaedra and thank her for getting them out of their situation, even if it’s only for a week.  It’s actually quite touching and Phaedra has actually done a Phine thing for these children.

phaedra-hugs

Back in the ATL, it’s not all rainbows and panda bears.  Porsha and Todd sit down to dinner and he tells her that his boss is ultra-conservative and gave him an ultimatum – your job or your DNC supporting Instagram girlfriend.  He proudly tells Porsha that he chose her boobs and being scantily clad on Instagram over a steady paycheck, an act he anticipates Porsha will receive as valiant.  However, she trips like a crack-house rat and labels him irresponsible.  Todd’s reaction is odd, he is giggling like a school boy as he eats bites of her salmon off her plate.  Her cleavage has clearly overpowered all of his common sense.  I am so proud of our little Porsha, she’s like…adulting, and shit.

porsha-boobs

Later, we learn that Porsha fainted at the nail shop and she has a fainting condition caused by not enough blood flow to the brain.  So.  Many.  Jokes.  Here.  Todd drops by with some ice cream and he is all over her like a smitten kitten.  She feels the fainting spells are due to stress and Todd’s behavior is a baby-making-deal-breaker.  Sidebar:  Porsha is wearing very little makeup in this scene and she actually looks very pretty.  She should set her makeup gun to “natural idiot hooker” a bit more often.

Meanwhile, Cynthia moves into Kandi’s home, and as she is backing her Range Rover up the driveway, Kandi is befuddled.  Cynthia shouts out the window “I have to unload”, but Kandi didn’t expect more than an overnight bag.  Cynthia has brought an amalgam of bizarre sleep over supplies, a small collection of wigs, cereal, Febreeze, and three large jugs of cranberry juice for that nasty UTI she picked up at the Club One opening.  The next morning as Cynthia carts her Fruit Loops to the kitchen, she receives a call from Flavia Labia, realtor at large.  The lake house is clear to close.  Kandi breathes a sigh of relieve and mops her sweaty stress brow with Baby Ace’s receiving blanket.

Speaking of being a sweaty mess, Bob takes SBS to some sort of combination Parisian gift shop, defunct restaurant, and burlesque club in his continued effort to win her back.  This place looks like it would smell of cat food and sadness.  Bob was trying to summon the fond memories of a trip they had taken to Paris, not to be confused with their Spain trip, when Bob ended up throwing a glass of wine in the face of SBS and both were thrown out of the country.  Ahh…memories!  They share a private dinner and a single, pitiful cabaret girl performs.  Once again, Bob is sweating like a farm animal.  Seriously dude, this is hospitalization level sweating.  It’s alarming and disconcerting, get that shit checked out.  Bob lumbers up on the stage and starts dancing, the lone cabaret girl teases him about scheduling an appointment for a real lesson because well, he sucks.  He plops back down by SBS and gives her a canned speech, thanking her for being a wonderful mother to their children and SBS inches closer to the possibility of reuniting.

sbs-benig-wooed

The ladies meet for early-dinner by Phaedra, as a thank you for the participating in the pop-up-shop fund raising.  Phaedra has been inspired by the lumpy cots and hot dogs and decides they shall all go “glamping”.  Kenya thinks the impending trip is an opportune moment to ask Porsha how her anger management training is going.  Or not going for that matter.  Faster than a blink of a false eyelash, they go off the rails.  Kenya and Porsha are going at it and then Kandi piles on.  SBS gets line of the night, “I don’t think Porsha’s anger management has anything to do with taking a trip, I mean if the bitch wanna f*ck you up, she gonna do it in Atlanta!”  WORD!

Kenya keeps asking obnoxious questions, “are you on medication, did you get a certificate?”  As Kandi continues to rag at her, Porsha tells her to stop “piggybacking” on Kenya’s hogwash.  Kandi tells her to “piggyback yo’ ass up!”  The two say “piggyback” about 17 more times, to the point where it’s laugh-out-loud funny.  If you are playing the drinking game at home, hide your keys.  You are officially above the legal limit.

Porsha decides to walk away because her emotional temperature is becoming medically dangerous.  I feel for Porsha somewhat because Phaedra did lead Kenya to believe that Porsha was open to discussing the anger management classes she was attending for like, one episode.  Phaedra and SBS chase after Porsha, and Kenya insists on trailing behind, spewing more of her venom-nitro-fuel on the fire.  This is the segment I like to call, “Arguin’ in the Parkin’ Lot”.

arguing-in-parking-lot

After Porsha tears out of the parking lot trying to run Kenya over like a scurvy dog, the remaining trolls discuss what went down.  SBS points out that Kenya does provoke people, for example Matt playing whack-a-mole with her garage windows.  Kenya tries to throw some shade at SBS saying she would know, having been in abusive relationships.  SBS knows not of what she speaks and tells her, “giiirrrlll…you wish you were on my level!”  With that, Kenya busts open her never ending bag o’ crazy and squats down and starts duck walking around the parking lot.  Not to demonstrate the strength of her hamstrings and donkey booty dear reader, but rather to illustrate that SBS level is one of low-walking duck.keep-calm-and-duck-walk

Porsha returns to the scene of the crime at Phaedra’s request, but everyone has already fled.  Phaedra, SBS, and Porsha go back into the restaurant to hash it out.  Phaedra chalks it up to Kenya’s lack of maturity, but Porsha suspects she is drinking the Kenya Kool-Aid.  Porsha, still in full-on adulting mode, confronts her BFFL about telling Kenya that Porsha wanted to address the group about her anger management, but in typical Phaedra fashion, she denies saying anything of the sort.  ROLL.  THE.  MOTHERF*CKEN’ TAPE!  Porsha warns Phaedra that Kenya is a fake friend and she must exercise extreme caution.  Frick and Frack are starting to crack!

Next week – shopping for glamping, SBS continues to stir the pot, and Cynthia talks to Matt about Kenya.

Poppin’ Up for a Purpose

Phaedra and Ayden are in full preparation mode for the pop-up shop event, 50% of all proceeds to benefit the children of Flint, Michigan.  Ayden is truly his mother’s child, he is manufacturing tie dye tee-shirts, which say #fixitjesus on the back.  After a hard day of labor on the printing press, he shifts over to the kitchen to produce his A+ chocolate chip cookies for $6.99 a piece!  He isn’t screwin’ around, this kid came to raise some coin!

The production line is temporarily halted due to a call from an overly-concerned Cynthia.  She has 81 questions about how this pop-up event will work, such as where she can store her wardrobe changes and will there be a boxed lunch?

Across town, SBS is shopping for overpriced wall coverings, because wall “paper” is just so 2002.  Her decorator has sent his intern, none other than Marlo “check my charges” Hampton.  They use the outing as an excuse to dish about Kenya, the fact that she’s balls on nuts crazy, and that Moore Manor is a dump without working plumbing.

Speaking of Moore Manor, Kenya returns to find her garage door glass broken out again, her Land Rover rear window smashed in, and her security cameras spray painted over.  This has Matt written all over it, in his own blood, and it’s high time he exit stage left and lay off the GNC “supplements”.  THIS.  SITUATION.  IS.  FRAUGHT.  WITH.  PERIL!  Kenya is crying her false eyelashes off and calls Kandi to seek advice so she can continue ignoring the obvious truth.  Kandi gives her a healthy dose of “wake up and smell the restraining order”, but Kenya still seems to think there is hope.  WWMJD?  (what would Mama Joyce do?)  Kandi offers her the guest house if she needs to crash for a few days, but she really doesn’t mean it.

Later, Kenya visits Phaedra to discuss the pop-up event, but can’t hold back her tears of woe.  She spills the Matt beans and Phaedra explains that EVERYBODY KNOWS that bad behavior intensifies 110% and by 110 volts.  We are treated to a flashback of Apollo wielding a power drill and chasing her around the garage.  Phaedra recommends counseling, but safety is paramount.  She offers a quick prayer for her and they hug it out.

world_according_to_phaedra_parks1

Kenya decides the best course of action is to head over to Kandi’s with Cynthia in tow and announce that they will be moving in.  I think they are a couple now.  Kandi is a bit stunned, she didn’t actually think Kenya would take her up on the offer, much less bring her new plus one.  Cynthia’s lake house purchase may be sinking in the mire, but she has already sold the townhome and must move out.  Kandi seems to avoid the question and they discuss the outrage over Phaedra expecting 50% of the profits from the pop-up event be donated.  SBS recalled something different and Kandi leads them to some discussion about SBS not recalling facts correctly.  Somehow out of all this mire, we end up with an assumption that when Porsha admitted to receiving a “golden shower” when they played “Never Have I Ever” on the boat trip from hell, she must have been referring to Block.  I’m sure this will come up at the reunion.

cynthia-kenya-move-in

It’s the day of the pop up shop event, which is about as exciting as a Jiffy Lube waiting room – SBS set’s up her table with “Who gon’ check me boo” tee shirts, because hey, a tired catch phrase never goes out of style.  Kenya mocks the setup from SBS, which is put together with prayers and chewing gum.  Kenya’s “team of experts” put up this hideous banner which looks like it was folded up in the trunk of her car.  The fold lines are visible and it looks terrible, I hope she at least has product in her bottles instead of water.  One interesting item of note, Apollo’s parents show up and seem to have a good relationship with Phaedra.

kenya-pop-up-shop

Marlo shows up, still looking for her peach.  In order to avoid a scene, Kenya pulls her aside to apologize for the non-invite to the housewarming party.  Marlo points out she dissed her on the birthday party too, after soliciting her advice on the planning!  No meow-down here, Marlo ain’t havin’ it and she walks away.  To be continued…

kenya-marlo

Kandi stays for about 20 minutes, but must leave because her Spanx are suffocating her.  She tells Phaedra she’ll write a check for $2,500.  Porsha donates 100% of her proceeds, which was $1,000.  Cynthia donates $1,000 in profit, SBS $595 in profit, and Kenya brings in a measly $450.  Hmmm…who gon’ check me now, BOO!?!?  All told, Phaedra raised $7,541.  At the end of the event, Ayden approaches Cynthia to collect on a cookie she took and told him she would pay him later, “can I please have my money?”  He’s too cute to be a debt collector.debt-collector

Next week, Kenya and Phaedra Thelma and Louise it, Bob is still trying to win over SBS, Porsha confronts Todd about his intentions, and Kenya life coaches the children at Phaedra’s camp.

Smacking Miss Daisy

Well this week the ATL ladies are teeing up more drama than Tiger Woods.  We start with Kenya and Cynthia heading to the do-it-yourself dog wash.  First item of note is that gladiator sandals that wrap up the calf are not a good look for Kenya.  Her calves are bulging out of those things like stuffed sausage.  Second item of note is that Kenya kisses her dogs with full on tongue.  I’m not talkin’ just allowing the dog to lick her, but Kenya sticking her tongue out as far as it will go and waiting for the dog to lick her back.  Twirl is a smart pup, she refuses the lick, she knows where that tongue has been!  Speaking of where Kenya’s tongue roams…she and Matt are DUNZO…well for now, unless of course he gets it together and graduates from anger management and commits to attending three Rageaholics Anonymous meetings per week.  Then, and only then, may he have the proper potential with which Kenya may fall deeper in lust.

In other lip-licking news, Kenya informs her new BFF, Cynthia, that Papa Smurf has booked her to host the opening at Bar One and Done in Charlotte.  Cynthia is glad Kenya informed her since Papa Smurf didn’t inform her that he would be commandeering all of her friends in the divorce.  Kenya invites Cynthia to be her “date” since Matt will be held hostage at Tool Academy.  Across town, Peter is deep in the midst of a post-divorce crisis and purchases a Mercedes convertible on an open line of credit that Cynthia forgot to close.

In Porsha news, she is packing up the last of her things at her old home and finds that her mother was there and had left an old can of whipped cream on the counter.  Things that make you go “hmmmm”.

hmmm

She packs up that whipped cream and high-tails it to her mother’s house until she finds her new station in life.  She sneaks her new ex-boyfriend, Todd, into the house and shows him her Yoni egg and reads the informational pamphlet to him.  She uses the pamphlet to sage the air, puts some of the old whipped cream on a moldy strawberry, throws a mixed tape into the boom box, and they commence to have a good time as if they are teenagers again.

SBS is rocking a literal leopard print jump suit.  Literally with neon leopard bodies all over it.  She visits her publisher, apparently SBS is writing a juicy book.  It’s a tell-all/fiction/auto-biography/non-fiction/half-caf/3-shot/no foam/novel, entitled “Wives, Fiancées, and Side-Chicks of Hotlanta”.  The novel is loosely based on reality – this means you ATL cast-mates – and she will include all of the juicy stories she has been harboring in her mental filing cabinet of death.

Later, SBS decides to try Parkour as a new workout and a divisive way to injure Bob.  He jumps off a block and practically blows out a knee.  He is schvitzing like an overworked farm animal, but is saved by the bell as SBS takes a call from her publisher.  Naturally Bob is curious about what is going in the “tell-all” novel, specifically about him and wants to know if he gets any royalties.  He hopes this venture will be better than the fashion show with no clothes.  At least we know the book will have pages.

In other drama, Todd shows Kandi some cryptic Instagram post from Johnnie, Kandi’s ex-assistant.  Johnnie eludes to Kandi being disloyal and fake, but Kandi notes she had to let Johnnie run with the wind because he was starting his event planning bidness on the side and losing his focus on adequately wiping her butt after her defcon 5 dumps.  Kandi has him on the payroll for her upcoming Bedroom Kandi event, so let the confrontation begin!

kandi-pissed

At the 4th annual Bedroom Kandi convention, Kandi is bustling about greeting her sales force and ogling new vibrators for same-sex couples.  She pulls Johnnie off of dildo duty for a chat about his bitchy social media post.  She asks why he’s “feelin’ some kinda way” about her.  Johnnie is apparently still bitter about being fired by Don Juan the asshole and being underpaid.  Kandi tightens her pony-tail and clarifies that he had his side-bidness going and she knew it was only a matter of time before the side-bidness became priority, annnd he accepted the job for the pay rate he was making.  Johnnie isn’t backing down and as Kandi’s current thug-lette staff surrounds him, you can see the actual bridge burning to the ground.  Kandi tells him that he can call her a bitch or an asshole, but don’t call her fake!  She whips her ponytail around and tells Johnnie she will take her fake money and go elsewhere.  Johnny done fucked up.

Later, Johnnie pays a visit to Counselor Parks because he thinks he has a case against Kandi and her Factory.  Phaedra is taken aback, she thought they were “closer than two butt cheeks”.  Well the butt cheeks have separated in an unsightly manner, Johnnie claims he was wearing many hats for Kandi and wasn’t fairly compensated.  He presents Phaedra with his old paystubs for $500 a week, working 80 plus hours, and no benefits – a sad Johnnie mutters “I had to do Obamacare”.  She asks why he stuck around and he thought they would be bidness partners eventually, specifically in the restaurant venture.  He felt slapped in the face when Kandi went down restaurant road with Todd and the OLG, leaving Johnnie sad and penniless.  Phaedra gives him some false-hope, tells him he has a great case to recoup back pay or loss of future profits, and will refer him to a lawyer that specializes in that area of law.

phaedra-johnnie

Down in Charlotte, Cynthia and Kenya settle in their hotel room only to find that Matt has begun a social media rampage after learning that Kenya had Peter cancel his plane ticket without telling him.  He is hoppin’ mad and is driving to Charlotte, threatening Kenya via text to come back to him or he’s gonna go HAM (HOT ASS MESS).  As if that is even more possible at this point?!?!

go-ham

Club One is hoppin’ and Peter spots Cynthia walkin’ in “lookin’ like an ice cream cone”.  She takes him aside to explain that Kenya will not be attending due to the Matt situation, but she will step in as host for a modest cut of the booking fee.  Kenya decides to show up anyway and Matt rolls up at the same precise moment to confront Kenya.  Perfect timing Bravo intern!  We see Matt head over to her car, we hear a scuffle on the mic, and learn that Matt has opened the door and smacked the driver.  Matt squeals off in his SUV of doom and Peter phones him to find out What.  The.  Actual.  Fuck.

Matt claims the driver rolled his neck up in the window, so he smacked him.  Damn, I wish we could’ve seen that moment on tape!  Papa Smurf doles out some fatherly advice and tells him to slowly back-away from this relationship.  He tells Kenya the same thing and she is crying, AGAIN, “HE HAS SO MUCH POTENTIAL!”  At the end of the event, Cynthia gives Peter props for the Club One and Done opening and he hints that he lives right down the street…wink, wink…but Cynthia isn’t dipping her ice cream cone tonight, or any night!  She and her top knot smartly dismiss his overture as she mutters “awwwkward!”

awkward-meme

Next week – More broken glass at Moore Manor, Cynthia and Kenya become uninvited house guests at Kandi-Land, and the return of Marlo “Check my Charges” Thompson.

Confrontation Station

What better way to start the new year than to go see a man about rejuvenating your aging breasteses?  Cynthia heads over to “Dr. Curves”, because that’s the name of a plastic surgeon I would entrust with my life.  Anyhoo… she can’t possibly have this man superficially evaluate her breasts without her loving cast-mates in tow.  They arrive one by one and Kandi is a bit irked because she didn’t anticipate having to see Phaedra fresh off their ill-fated dispute over the inappropriateness of Mama Joyce repeating 50 times that Drama wanted to “blow Phaedra the f*ck up!”

Enter Counselor Parks, the consummate professional.  She keeps it cute and cordial, greeting her mortal enemy is if everything is copacetic.  The ENTIRE GANG wedges themselves into the exam room to witness Cynthia’s consultation, Dr. Jimerson enters and I’m a bit shocked that Kenya didn’t ask him for his personal cell phone number and a house call.  Cynthia challenges the Doc to guess who is fake vs. natural and he pegs Porsha and Kenya as fake, but Kenya insists she is natural and offers the Doc a feel and slips him her Twitter handle.  Cynthia drops her top and Phaedra is alarmingly excited, screaming TITTIES and trying to squeeze them.

kenya-grabbing-boobs

Kandi cops a feel and thinks they are quite nice, as is.  The doc locates a bit of hardening, but for now she has plenty of mileage on the ol’ bags.  Seeing as how she has now mortgaged her soul for the new lake house, Cynthia prudently defers boob maintenance for a few more years.

cynthia-disrobe

Later we learn that Cynthia sold her town home for $655,000 and the lake home is official.  She shows her mom and Mal around and as they sit, gazing out onto the murky lake, Cynthia reflects on the fact that it would have been her 6th wedding anniversary.  They pop some champagne to drink Peter off their minds, however Noelle is missing her Papa Smurf.  Later she meets with her former step-dad to participate in some Hot Yoga.  Peter walks in and tells the instructor he has never done Hot Yoga before, to which the instructor replies “ahhh, fresh meat!”  Actually, he is old meat…old gassy meat.  They do yoga for 90 minutes, all the while Papa Smurf is sweating like a farm animal and ripping some nasty hot, wet farts.  As they walk out, Noelle confides in Peter that she was upset that no one took her feelings into consideration about this whole divorce thingie.  Peter was trying to respect Cynthia’s space, but will make an effort to keep in touch.  They begin to tear up from the methane gas leaking from Peter’s ass and they hot hug it out.

Across town, SBS meets with her interior designer, who shows her a $12,000 bed and a $4,000 chaise, as he uses a sample fabric swatch to wipe the sweat from his brow.  SBS watches him do this and looks at him like “oh no you di’int!”  As she reels from sticker shock and refuses to go back to IKEA, she starts talking baseboards and trim and is ready to throw her housewarming bash, sans dust and tittie sweat.

no-he-didnt

Kandi and Mama Joyce go shopping for diamond earrings for Riley’s 14th birthday and settle on a pair for $3,500, wow.  When I was 14, I was lucky to get a pair of Calvin Klein jeans, back when they cost $50 a pair!  Okay, showing my age…but I digress…Kandi tells Mama about the discussion with Phaedra, but Mama thinks Kandi has been to nice and someone should blow Phaedra the f*ck up.  Later, Riley has an underwhelming reaction to the diamonds, but she is all in on the cake from the A&P and they all eat it right out of the container.  She reveals that Block has called and wants to see her soon.  Kandi thinks she should go alone, but Riley wants her mom to tag along.  Mama Joyce flashes her crocodile grin and offers to go with Riley, now there’s an episode…Mama and Block face off.

kandi-mama-gossip

Phaedra and Shamea decide to insert “yoni eggs” into their vaginas because Porsha wants her vaginal walls “to look like Sheree’s hamstrings, ready to pounce!”  They insert, Porsha narrowly escapes damage to her taint, then they start “exercising”.  Shamea keeps groaning about how “amaaaaaazing” it feels and at one point, we see Shamea performing downward dog in her mini-skirt with the string hanging out from between her legs.  The Bravo intern who failed to cue up the black modesty box should be fired, ASAP.  This.  Has.  Gone.  Too.  Far.  SBS arrives late to the party and wisely claims it’s “that time of the month”, so she cannot partake, besides her lady parts are as tight as her top-knot!   After all the flexing of the vaginal walls, Shamea and Porsha start talking about doing this again, but they should invite Kandi and Phaedra because they are both perverse freaks who love to insert foreign objects into their vaginas.  SBS may be on the rag, but she is always up for stirring the pot.  Her official role this season is to repeat all the damning things she hears, float them out there, and then sit back and watch the shit show.  SBS brings up the rumor about Phaedra cheating on Apollo before he chased her with the power drill, flipped out over a Home Depot bucket of hinges, and then went to jail.  Shamea decides to jump into the cesspool and claims that Phaedra at one time went after her own huzzzband.

yoni-eggs

Later, Porsha and SBS invite Phaedra for the lunch of death to inform her of the rumor Kandi is allegedly floatin’ on da’ streets of the ATL.  Phaedra is sick of Kandi and her “homemade thug employees”.  Then, in a masterstroke of bitchery, Phaedra pantomimes the international hand signal for sexual intercourse and states that Kandi and Shamea are sleeping together, and sometimes they throw li’l Todd into the mix.  SBS calls her a “motherf*ckin’ liar”, but Porsha jumps on this train like the hot mess underground railroad express.  Phaedra gets so excited that her bestie is on board for some good ol’ fashioned slander, that she almost chokes on the lemon seed stuck to her lip gloss.

Naturally, Porsha and her hench-woman SBS confront Kandi about the malicious rumors she has spread about Phaedra.  Kandi goes ballistic on Porsha because she participated in the rumors and knows that Porsha in fact, took the photo of Phaedra that was texted to the mysterious “Chocolate”.  Porsha is weaving a mess as tangled as SBS’s statement necklace.  Kandi is so upset, she must forego tacos, and lawwwwd knows she doesn’t like to miss a meal.  She grabs her bottled water and bolts.

porsha-confront-kandi

Next week, someone is facing a lawsuit and another visit from Maniacal Matt!