Trash Detail

 

Nene meets Kenya for lunch wearing her Navajo wisdom throw in order to try to determine if she is delusional or not, she also takes safety measures by keeping her sunglasses on to deflect the glare of the greezy ol’ raisin face.  Everybody knows Miss Nene only hangs with people that are keepin’ it 100.  They discuss the Anguilla blow up between Kenya and Porsha, but Nene wants to cut the shit and drill down to the straight dope on Walter.  She calls Kenya out for losing it on Walter and taking the “anything can happen in three days” comment and running with it.  Nene tells the camera that if Kenya just wants a baby she can hook her up with the dude on the corner and a turkey baster.  Kenya maintains that Walter has discussed her ring size and where their children would go to school so she knows what’s up, but Nene boils it down to what we all know is true… “he’s just not that into you.”  That has to be the understatement of the year.

Nene-Navajo

Porsha has invited Cynthia and Kandi over for champagne, shade, and two, count ‘em two, kinds of cake.  They discuss having children and Porsha explains her African village yam theory, which Kandi immediately shoots holes in by stating that the women from the same African village could be having twins because it’s hereditary.  It’s a little too advanced for Porsha, she’ll stick with her yams.  Kandi reveals her hopes to have more children and she mentions that Todd has been hinting about marriage.  Perfect segue to discuss crazy Kenya and Walter who are clearly not on the same page.  Hell, they are not even reading the same book.  They don’t waste too much time talking about crazy raisin face and Porsha concludes the convo by saying she is just puzzled over their relationship.  Yeah, and puzzled over a lot of other things too.  Maybe next week we can move on to basic shapes and colors, Porsha.

Phaedra Parks, Attorney at Law, is taking a meeting with Kenya Moore, crazy raisin face.  Kenya touts her production company and describes some options for the Donkey Booty Workout Video.  She really feels the video would fill a void in the market for folks out there who desire to build up their posteriors and just can’t find the resources figure out how to do squats at the gym.  Phaedra thinks Kenya is speaking her language and she hears gold coins coming out of Kenya’s mouth.  I guess that would make Kenya a crazy slot machine.  Kenya asks about budget and Phaedra explains that money is not an object.  Now she be speakin’ Kenya’s language.  Kenya tells the camera that Phaedra is clearly a novice and she’s annoyed that Phaedra wasn’t more prepared, after all missed USA’s time is valuable.  All these behind the scenes confessionals should make for some fantastic reunion fodder.  Kenya gives Phaedra a copy of her latest straight to DVD movie, autographed by two unknown actors.  Kenya points out that she plays a hooker in the movie, but it was just a role of course.  Kenya takes the opportunity, once again, to cross the line and she asks Phaedra and Apollo if they ever role-play.  When they bypass the awkwardness, they start arguing about how long the video should be. Apollo disagrees with the 30 minute approach and Phaedra doesn’t want his extreme Floyd Mayweather, Evel Knievel bullshit. Hey Phaedra, not so fast…do you see what Evel Knievel is up to these days…

Evel Knievel

Kenya tells us that they started arguing like little children in front of her and she found it to be very unprofessional.  Pot. Kettle.  Black.

Cynthia and Peter are grocery shopping for gluten free pizza and Peter receives an alert on his cell phone stating Phaedra and Apollo are headed for divorce.  Is it just me, or is it odd that Peter is receiving alerts about Phaedra and Apollo?  Stalk much ol’ man???  Cynthia pounces on it and says that in Anguilla, Apollo and Kenya were being inappropriate and she has heard that Apollo frequents the strip clubs.  Peter jumps in to defend, apparently going to a strip club is the norm in the south, like going to the office.  She asks Peter how often he frequents the strip club and he says “about every six months.”  When asked when his last visit was, he replies “the day before yesterday.”  Insert sound effect of needle scratching across record here.  They proceed to get into a detailed discussion about strip clubs, why Peter goes, and the fact that the women wear nothing and they make sure that the customers see everything.  Peter’s explanation is simple “Apollo is 32 years old, he’s been locked up for six years, looking at men for six years, maybe he just wanna catch up on the ass game.”  As odd as it sounds, this does make sense.  That would make Apollo only 26 when he got locked up, he’s got a lot of ass grabbin’ to do.  At any rate, Cynthia wants to get her model brain around all this strip club stuff, so she suggests they do a double date.

Walter is waiting for death in a little coffee shop and he is mopping brow feverishly with a small napkin, what is it with this guy?  Is the towing uniform he constantly wears made of wool?  Kenya shows up and intends to get to the bottom of things by rehashing her distorted view of the Anguilla trip.  Walter gets this confused look, like he has just shart himself.  Kenya explains that she stormed away from him in Anguilla because of her experience with domestic abuse in the past and she was sensitive to his elevated tone of voice.  He actually has the balls to laugh in her face because he realizes that she really is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.  She basically tells him she is on a six month timeframe and she is a “wife, not a girlfriend”.  He laughs at her again and tells her he won’t be pressured, and by the way…if she is such “wife material”, why at her age is she still single.  Ooohh…ouch…I’m actually surprised she didn’t leap across the table and stab the dick wagon in the throat with a fork.  She asks Walter how he feels about her and he tells her he loves her like a sister, but not enough to marry her today ever.  She tells him she has heard enough, he has to go tow some cars and she breaks out a line from a Bonnie Raitt song “I can’t make you feel something that you don’t.”

Pastor Pollard and Phaedra go over to Kandi’s new home to bless it.  After they are done, Phaedra segues into wedding talk with Todd, but Kandi doesn’t want to pull a Kenya.  Phaedra then goes off on a tear about Apollo and how she wants to murder him on a daily basis for all the idiotic things he does, such as leaving the toilet seat up, not doing the dishes, and trying to be conversational in the morning.  Kandi and Todd stare at her awkwardly, since murder is not particularly a normal reaction to these minor marital headaches, but they take it in stride and stay cool.

Porsha and Kordell are popping bottles of Dom and settling into their hot tub for some relaxation time.  She comments on his greasy lips, to which he replies “you know the older I get, the ashier I get.”  Thanks for the info Kordell, sadly this is about as interesting as he gets.  They discuss the Anguilla trip and how nice it was, Kordell describes it as “everything was copastetic.”  He is so excited that he bonded with the men and he says Peter is “so black, that dude is blurple.”  Seriously…whatever.  Kordell lectures Porsha about being careful about who she lets into her life, but Porsha intends to clear the air with Kenya and move past it.

Cynthia and Peter are driving to the strip club she asks him how much he’s got and he says he has “enough to make it drizzle.”  They arrive at the Clermont Lounge, which Cynthia allegedly selected, and the place is beyond seedy.  There’s tater tots and mini-franks on the buffet and a toothless hooker showin’ her stuff.  Apparently, the Clermont Lounge is the last stop on a stripper’s career and where they recycle body glitter.  Peter and Cynthia order a shot of tequila and, I really wish that I was joking right now, but it was served in a Dixie cup.  Phaedra and Apollo arrive and Apollo explains that strip clubs are his “outlet” and then he starts yammering about how he doesn’t live within time restraints and time is for people who have to live by “a sector of the time scale”, which he does not.  Phaedra rolls eyes, Peter and Cynthia look at him like he’s speaking Portuguese.  He then goes off about how marriage has made he and Phaedra have forget who they really are and it’s making them bitter.  He wants to go back to being the funny, “jovial” guy that he used to be, before juvie.  Phaedra says she doesn’t feel comfortable in clubs, and as she says this, she screams to a stripper who has a Georgia Bulldog tattoo, which is Phaedra’s alma mater and she gives her all the tip money she had.  Peter and Apollo decide to make it drizzle and they all have a good laugh at the gravity-challenged strippers.

StripClub

In a brief moment, we see Nene prepping for an Ebony Magazine photo shoot.  She is wearing a gown made of money, shouting “I’m rich, bitch!”  I am a little disappointed that we didn’t get more air time on this segment, wah wah!

Nene-MoneyDress

Everyone (except LA Nene) gathers at Peter’s place, Bar One.  The ladies sip on a peach Moscato, which Cynthia is endorsing.  Peter hauls out the real stuff and he and Apollo start shooting Don Julio.  Kenya shows up in a yellow frock, which is fitting since she’s from planet bananas.  As the men take more shots, Peter comments how Apollo loves his tequila, which prompts Apollo to discuss being in the tank for six years.  Peter inquires further and Apollo reveals that he hadn’t gone outside in 16 months, then he volunteered for trash detail and when he got outside, he cried because he almost felt free for a moment.  Props to Peter for becoming the new shit stirring housewife and keeping this shit fest interesting.

Walter finally shows up, blows right by Kenya and makes a beeline for the shots.  Peter finally prods him to go say hello to Kenya and when he approaches her, they have the most painfully awkward exchange I have ever seen a fake couple have.  He says he arrived about 10 minutes ago and was hanging with the guys.  Kenya immediately levitates into full throttle, pedal to the medal, nitro burnin’ bitch mode, and decides they are leaving.  But…not before Porsha can stop her at the most inopportune time to discuss their lack of friendship.  Kenya pretty much dismisses her, tells Kordell to butt out, and leaves with Walter.  When Porsha briefs Cynthia on the sitch, Kordell butts in again and tells Porsha if she apologizes one more time, he is going to have a problem with her.  Porsha dismisses him as just being a drunk asshole at the moment, but Cynthia finds him to be freakishly controlling.

Peter broaches the divorce rumor with Apollo and he says they are not feeding into it, but he takes a moment to vent.  “I’m dealing with a god damn beast man, my wife is on one million every day, high tempo.”  Peter says marriage is a team sport and gives a football analogy that makes Kordell’s brain blow out.  He doesn’t even get it, clearly the men need more shots.  Apollo makes his way over to the ladies and cracks a joke about Phaedra divorcing him and then they proceed to eat each other’s faces off.  Even Bedroom Kandi Coated Nights is appalled, she tells them to “get a room” and Apollo says they are like “porno stars in the bedroom.”

PhaedraAppollo-MakeOut

Kandi vomits on Derek J’s platform wedgies and Porsha motions and says “shots” to Kandi, which apparently explains away any bad behavior.  Most of the couples are running with scissors tonight, except for Cynthia, which makes her feel much more confident in her own marriage.

Next week looks like Kenya and Walter bicker more while fly fishing.  Fun.  Times.  Everyone have a safe and happy new year!  See ya’ in 2013.

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A Raisin in the Shun

After Kenya has twirled away from the girl fight, Porsha asks the other ladies if they “took out the trash”.  Nene and Porsha engage in a discussion about maturity and Cynthia was stunned at how “krunk” the fight got, but understood Kenya’s reaction to the insults Porsha was slinging.  Meanwhile, Kenya vents to Walter about the fight as he rubs his eyebrows off his head while searching frantically for a drink.  I can smell the Slim Jim’s and ass cheese through the television.  You would think Walter could find a way to muster up a f*ck, after all his pretend girlfriend is a part of history, like Obama, Clinton, and Kennedy!

Back by the pool, Phaedra continues to defend her new BFF, calling her “sensitive” about her Miss USA title.  Nene puts bullet holes in that theory because nobody is concerned about what happened in 1993.  WORD!

Back in the room, Kenya rants about being called a tramp due to her incessant and inappropriate flirting with other men.  Walter has taken no offense to this behavior and calls it “networking”.  Note to self…put that down in the excuse book, “I was networking!”  Kenya says she is “over it” and shuts herself in the hotel room bathroom, but she will not be taking a relaxing bath because she ain’t got no tub.

The next day, Nene stops by Kandi’s room to debrief her about the prior evening and all the kerfuffle.  She delivers an impression of Kenya’s twirling in her ambrosia surprise nightgown and Kandi is stunned.  After they crack up, Nene confronts Kandi about why they haven’t ever gotten along.  They get their shit out in the open, reflect on their bad start, and decide to blame it on Wigs-n-Cigs Zolciak.  Nene wants to make more of a connection with Kandi, they have a moment, and Todd joins them for a good cry.  Nene thinks Kandi and Todd are a great couple because they are both short.  Gregg enters the room and starts saying he’s “40 and fabulous” and he starts twirling around in his red converse kicks, indicating that Nene dished all the gory details of the girl fight.

Kenya and Walter are getting ready for the outing on the last day of the trip.  Kenya suspects that Walter will be proposing, but she will be in for a shock because this guy is not interested in anything but where his next shot of tequila is coming from.  They rehash the fight again, but he wants to make sure she is going to hold it together so that he doesn’t have to get into it with the guys.  After all, he is forging some real relationships here.  Kenya calls a women-only press conference before they board the bus for their last excursion.  She wants to make sure the air is clear so she can enjoy the day when she is about to become a Mrs.  This chick is about as delusional as Teresa Giudice.  Porsha is annoyed at the “pageant apology” and describes her face as a “mean dried up raisin”.  Meanwhile, the men swelter on the bus and Peter talks about how silly the women behave and spend too much time worrying about everyone else.  Apollo chips in his two sense, something about eyelash glue and being overly concerned about it.  The ladies are all snapping at each other and Peter walks back inside to try and squash it so they can go have fun.  Cynthia tells him to eff off because they are not done, but in the end, nothing is resolved and Miss Mean Raisin Face twirls out of the lobby.

The gang arrives at the beach and they have lunch on what appears to be a raft fashioned by castaways.  Kordell decides to bring up the tension with the ladies and wants to make sure everything is okay, which is a perfect segue for Kenya to present Cynthia with a gift.  She gives her a copy of Vanessa Williams’ book called “You Have No Idea”.  Since Kenya stalks Vanessa on Facebook, she was able to have it autographed.  Cynthia takes it as a dig meaning, Cynthia “has no idea”.  Once again, mean spirited and inappropriate.  They finish lunch and as the couples hug and kiss, Kenya puckers up her lips summoning a kiss from Walter and he plants one on her cheek.  It’s so painfully obvious to everyone but Kenya that Walter is just not that into her.

Since there hasn’t been any petty fighting in 2.53 minutes, Cynthia and Kenya take a stroll to have a private convo so that Cynthia may express her disappointment in Kenya’s behavior at the Bailey Agency.  Kenya’s excuse for being rude to the women was that she was only offering constructive criticism.  She shares an experience from the Miss Michigan pageant when she wore inappropriate attire and was told to get her ghetto ass together.  Kenya also claims that some of the girls who were auditioning at the Bailey Agency contacted her and thanked her for her critique.  Cynthia volleys back stating that many girls who have repeatedly auditioned at the Bailey Agency contacted her, stating they were appalled by Kenya’s behavior.

Meanwhile, Gregg hoists Nene’s arse up on a horse and she is totally freaked out.  She jumps off and runs over to the man with a tray of drinks because the three steps the horse took whilst she was on it were very traumatizing.

Nene-Horse

Cynthia and Kenya continue to escalate their discussion and Nene and Phaedra walk over to find out what’s up.  Sidebar:  Do we need to discuss Phaedra’s yellow and blue monokini?  Kenya starts screaming “make it stop” and throws herself down on the beach, while Cynthia throws sand on her saying “bury yourself”.  Kandi and Porsha are watching from a distance and conclude that they are being playful, at first they thought they were going “ham and cheese”.  Nene decides to lead the group in some yoga so they can get their “zen”.  Kenya busts out the splits and then Kandi does it, all I can say is thank God for laser hair removal.

Kenya-Sand

The group arrives at their final dinner of the trip and Peter comments on how Walter looks good in pink and Kenya says they match and they are wedding colors.  Walter looks confused and as the waitress serves him a drink, he says “thank you sweetie, I might need about two, three more.”  Kenya tries to pursue the marriage talk with Walter and Peter gives a toast to all the couples.  When he hones in on Kenya and Walter, he comments that he did not think they were a couple, but he can see that Walter is a solid dude.  He adds that a little birdie told him that Walter was under a lot of pressure to propose before the end of the trip.  Again, Walter has mass confusion.  He starts to get really irritated and slams back the tequila.  Kenya turns the marriage discussion to Kandi and Todd, but Kandi shuts her ass down like a bad Ferris wheel.  Gregg asks Walter how he would propose and he says “basketball game” and Kenya practically falls off her chair in disgust.  The other men discuss how they proposed and all the talk gets to Kenya.  Nene tells everyone that pressuring a man is not the way to do it, Kenya announces that she has lost her appetite, and she walks out of the restaurant.  Walter goes is prompted by producers to check on her and they get into it, Kenya is crying and pleading her case.  Walter pretty much lays down the law to make sure she understands what he meant by “anything can happen in three days.”  She takes offense to the way he is speaking to her and how dare he treat the “damsel in distress” this way.  She storms out and he tells the doorman to make sure she gets on the bus.  While it was a sad scene to watch, at least Walter shows us that he does indeed have a pulse.

Kenya makes her way into the jungle and crouches down by a light pole to continue sobbing.  Phaedra thinks Kenya has been gone too long and she is either having dysentery or something else is wrong so she goes after her.  The rest of the group discusses the situation with Walter, and Nene explains that he may be misleading because Kenya is interpreting every little thing he says to mean that it’s actually happening.  Phaedra finds Kenya, exhausted, winded, and bereft.  Phaedra breaks out her patented “everybody knows” advice.  She says “everybody knows the only person looking for a husband is someone who ain’t never had one, honey, because it’s a lot more work than what you think it is.  It’s a blessing you don’t end up with some of these crazy men, that’s God protecting you from yourself, my little raisin.”  Amen Phaedra, Amen.  Apollo, realizing that his wife is outside with a bat shit crazy raisin face, comes out to check on them and he tells Kenya that she needs to be patient and when it happens it will flow and it will all work out.  As they walk back inside, leave it to Phaedra to boil it down, “anything that has a penis is crazy!”  Amen again, Phaedra, Amen again!

Kena-Crying

Gone With the Crazy

We pick up where we left, off with Phaedra about to kick Kenya’s ass for her inappropriate comments and pawing of Apollo.  Nene is highly suspect of Kenya’s behavior and she asks Kenya if her relationship with Walter is even real.  Kenya assures her that it is, but Nene ain’t buyin’ the bag o’ crazy this chick is sellin’.  As the gang files inside, Cynthia must remain predictable and she echoes what Nene said by gossiping with Porsha about the validity of Kenya’s relationship.  Kenya has been rubbing her junk ass booty all over every man, except alleged boyfriend Walter.  Kenya gives Phaedra a half-assed donkey booty apology and Phaedra tries to explain that this type of behavior is how rumors get started.  Plus, you’re 40 Kenya and you are not at a rave party.  Phaedra delivers a great line to the camera “put some ice in your panties, because it’s just not a good look for you.”  WORD!

Gregg announces that he is going to cook dinner and everyone has about 45 minutes to fluff, freshen, ice down their naughty bits, and get to the table.  Cynthia and Porsha continue to chat about Kenya and Porsha says “you got caught up in a sandwich!”  Cynthia did not realize that Kenya “dropped down” in front of Peter and she was “puttin’ some extra sauce on her sandwich.”  Cynthia decides to let it pass given the fact that everyone was having fun while dancing and she knows where Peter’s $5.00 foot long was last night.

The group settles in for dinner and Peter calls a man meeting to tell the guys that he planned a vow renewal and would like them all to be there.  Sidebar:  Walter’s ears are square, they have sharp angles.  I would think that would be a deal breaker for Kenya.  Anyhoo…Peter will surprise Cynthia by telling her they will go to a white party, because “black folks love white parties.”  I did not know this.  The guys are all in and Gregg even offers Peter two Viagra.  Wha…wha???

Gregg-Viagra

At dinner, Cynthia talks about pulling the “third shift” the night before and she is very tired.  Apparently, all the couples, except Walter and Kenya, were pulling all-nighter quality time.  Kandi and Todd had some hot tub time and we are reminded that Phaedra doesn’t do hot tubs that she has not personally sanitized.  Walter and Kenya sit with heads down, chewing on their snap pea salad and their body language suggests they have not gone beyond first base.  Finally, Walter pulls Kenya away from dinner and Kenya suspects that this is the “proposal”.  The gang jokes that they are off to have some alone time, but Nene comments that she hasn’t heard a peep out of them.  The group continues to joke about Kenya’s relationship and we flash back to Kenya’s inappropriate flirting with the owner of the hotel.  Walter braves some alone time with Kenya without a drink in his hand and he awkwardly tells her about the surprise vow renewal for Peter and Cynthia.  Kenya is disappointed to find out that she won’t be the bride.  Wah wah…we hope Walter sleeps with one eye open.

The next morning, Nene is in hair and makeup and she has invited the other ladies to partake in her staff’s services.  Nene presses Kenya for further details about Walter.  Her excuse is that Walter “thinks a lot and is laid back”.  I think “barely breathing and half in the bag” would be a better description.  Porsha enters the scene and Kenya continues to act like nothing happened between them.  Kenya leaves and Porsha advises Nene that she is keeping her distance because Kenya is “crazy as hell”.

Cynthia has arranged for pool side massages and Nene is having trouble undressing under the sheet.  She is a bit pissed off that she has to take off her jean shorts and bra, “Now I’m in bed, outside.  This is some bullshit.”

Nene-Massage

The ladies are finally relaxing and Nene broaches the marriage subject with Kandi, but quickly moves on to Kenya.  Kenya states that she and Walter had been talking about eloping and Nene tells the camera “Biiiiiiiitch, who are you in a relationship with?  Because it certainly ain’t nobody on this damn island.”  Nene keeps doubting the legitimacy of Kenya’s relationship and Kenya defends, saying they are both “different” and that is why it works.  Yes, different…if your definition of a “different” relationship is no chemistry and barely interested in one another.  Nene is like a damn dog with a bone and won’t back down on her opinion which ends up with Kenya saying “I don’t give a f*ck about what anybody think!”  Kenya assures us she “got this handled”…annnnnd scene!

The ladies take a bus ride to the alleged “white party” and Nene is reveling in the fact that Cynthia hates surprises.  Meanwhile, at Sandy Island, the preparations for the vow renewal are coming together.  Peter reflects on his first horrifying wedding with Cynthia and he is so happy to finally do this right, the way Cynthia originally wanted.  Cynthia is totally caught off guard, but once she gets over the fact that they will not be meeting the Prime Minister, they begin the touching ceremony.  Cynthia throws the bouquet and Nene dives in front of Kenya to catch it and Walter takes a celebratory Jager Bomb.  Each couple sends a wish lantern up into the sky and Kandi and Kenya’s lanterns both crash-n-burn, which Kandi takes as a bad sign.  Maybe Theresa Goo-duh-chay will send Peter and Cynthia a card… “Congratulations on your re-done wedding.”

Wedding

The ladies convene for a nightcap and of course Kenya waltzes in like a gentle breeze, twirling her nightgown from the Peaches-n-Cream Golden Girls Collection.  They rehash the vow renewal and Nene says she is happy they all took the trip and since she has heard so much shit about Kenya, she was glad to get to know her non-crazy side.  Annnnnd cue Porsha to bring up her first impression of Kenya and all the gory, but accurate, details. 

Kenya&Porsha

Phaedra watches with anticipation as she eats straight whipped cream out of a bowl delivering priceless facial expressions.  Kenya doesn’t want to talk about it and Porsha says Kenya is a “non-factor”, which sets Kenya off like explosive 2:00 a.m. Taco Bell diarrhea.  Porsha throws down the age card.  Insults, robes, glittered ponchos, and housecoats are flying…“hood rat”, “bitch”, “tramp”, “tamp with a tramp stamp”.  Nene tries to hold Kenya back, but more insults are hurled and as this argument progresses, Porsha keeps aging Kenya.  First, Kenya is 40, then she won her crown 20 years ago, then 30, and finally before Porsha was born.  If there are only 265 days in a year according to Porsha’s calendar, I don’t see how Kenya could be more than 12.  At least she acts like it.  Can someone please call SECURITY!  Nene finally gets the two wildebeests separated and Nene talks Kenya down.

Nene-Kenya

Trust her girlfriend, she speaks from experience, Nene has pulled enough wig-n-weave in her time while trying to find her way out of a billowy poncho.  You’re 40, put a lid on it, Detroit.  Kenya spews her final brilliant insult over Nene’s shoulder toward Porsha “read a book!”  Yeah, way to settle an argument!  Kenya proceeds to talk about her pedigree and continues twirling her peach majesty fantasy nightgown.  She reminds me of a little girl wearing her first billowy dress, allowing her to discover twirling for the first time.  This chick is bona-fide bat shit crazy and she needs a color consultation.  “I’m gone with the wind fabulous” Kenya says as she twirls her way out of the scene.

Kenya-Twirl

Uhhh…seriously, Kenya.  This is what we’re doing now?  Nene gets line of the night “I was like, uh, bitch…is it movie night?”  It looks like next week, Kenya’s fauxmance is gone with the tide.

Honey Pot…Honey Not!

We have a bit of unfinished business with Miss Kim, so we pick up where we left off at the brunch o’ lies-n-excuses.  Kim makes a dramatic exit, shoving the camera and then Kroy jumps out of the car to her rescue and they shout “get that camera out of my f*ckin’ face”, they threaten a lawsuit, blah, blah, blah.  Bitch puh-leaze, you signed a contract with Bravo to have your bullshit life taped.  We revisit Kim’s confrontations throughout her housewife journey, who could forget black baby gate?  Phaedra axing for documentation proving Kim is a nurse, and one of my personal favorites, Nene lunging over Kandi and Don Juan towards Kim’s throat on the tour bus.  Nene says of Kim’s departure “Don’t let the door hit you where the good lord split you.”  So long Wiggs McGee, you won’t be missed since your life has taken a boring turn.

Back at the restaurant, Cynthia hypothesizes that Kim doesn’t have time for the group anymore due to her new family status, however “We all have kids, except Kenya, and we work it out.”  Wow, that comment was like a hot poker in Kenya’s cold, black heart.  Somewhere, Walter is sitting on a hippity hop in an empty apartment eating pork rinds, sucking on a Corona, and watching “The Three Stooges” on an old black and white TV.  Don’t know why, but that is the impression I get from this guy.  Speaking of the lifeless, dead in the eyes, chap, Kandi asks what Walter does for a living.  As soon as Kenya reveals he is in the trucking business, Kandi realizes she knows him, but diplomatically plays it off “he’s friends with one of my best friends…”  Nice save Kandi, it’s too early in the ep for Kenya to become completely unglued.

Kenya goes on to say her career in Hollywood is going well and Nene about whips her own head out of joint.  In a masterstroke of bitchery, Nene pipes up says her album is dropping next week and she starts law school in the fall.  God I love Nene, she is a sarcastic asshole extraordinaire.  The ladies all have a good laugh and they joke about her new single titled “Excuses” and Nene will rock a baby bump in the video.

There is a brief scene with Mama Joyce and Kandi discussing Todd, but Kandi is playing Todd close to the vest.  Mama Joyce admits she likes Todd, which is a good start.  Kandi fills her in on Kim’s latest drama and Mama Joyce reminds us that Kim had her own mother escorted out of her wedding like a common criminal.  While I appreciate Kandi’s ability to be understanding of the assholes who surround her, she has to realize that Kim was a shitty friend.  Let’s not forget the “Tardy for the Party” debacle, which is now the theme song for Kim’s spin off.  Kandi needs to cut her losses with wigs and move on.

Cynthia and Peter are waiting for Porsha and Kordell for dinner, only to find out that it’s Porsha only, Kordell won’t be showing up.  Peter is disappointed as he has a man-crush on Kordell.  Porsha suggests getting together the following week, perhaps Kordell can make it then, and Cynthia explains they are going to Anguilla.  Cue invitation to invite Porsha on the hell bound Bravo trip.  Cynthia tells Porsha that Kenya invited herself on the trip, so naturally Porsha should go.  Good buildup to some drama, now these two newbies can go at it like cats in a pillowcase.  Cynthia is all for it, “Any enemy of Kenya’s is a friend of mine.”

They arrive at the airport and Peter is like a giddy school girl meeting Sean Cassidy.  Peter and Kordell have the makings of a fine Bromance.  Kandi arrives sans Todd, and she is sporting a slick Jeri curl.  Kenya arrives and gives Porsha a dis of epic proportion by totally ignoring her.  As they all dig into the goody bags provided by Cynthia, Todd sneaks up behind Kandi and surprises her, now she won’t have to face the crazy alone.  Cynthia films everyone on the flight with her flip cam and we learn two very valuable pieces of information:  1) Phaedra’s grits make Apollo have to “dookie” and 2) Kenya thinks she is on “The Bachelor” and hopes Walter is going to propose to her while in Anguilla.  Ugh, I can’t with this girl.  These two have about as much chemistry as Larry King and Snooki.

The gang boards a boat to their island and the captain lets Kenya drive.  Ever the show off, she guns it and everyone is tossed about in the back of the boat.  Cynthia’s boob tumbles out of her dress and Peter dives on top of it, Nene’s hair about takes flight, and drinks are spilling everywhere.  Once on land, Nene, Greg, Peter, and Cynthia take a private car and the rest of the gang rides in the Rock of Love Bus.  Throughout the bus ride, Kenya points out all the diamond stores and keeps hinting to Walter.  He continues to rebuff her and rather than get the memo, she laughs it off.

They arrive at the hotel and Kenya immediately starts mouthing off about the “Junior Suite”, which is supposed to be a “Master Suite”.  Apparently, all it is missing is a larger closet and a bathtub and since the bitch invited herself on the trip, she should be grateful she even has a room.  While she lays on the bed, forlorn and having a meltdown into a pillow, Walter asks her if she took her medicine.  Not sure if he’s joking, but this could be some interesting foreshadowing.

Kenya-Wallowing

Meanwhile, leave it to Phaedra and Apollo to add some humor in the midst of this dismal mess.  While in their “Master Suite”, they get into a comical debate about hot tub safety.  Phaedra claims her doctor told her they were germ-infested cesspools and she is not going to mess with her “honey pot”.  Apollo is just as susceptible, what with his “pee pee hole” and all, but everybody knows, Phaedra Parks simply does not have the time for bacterial vaginosis.  Apollo, failing to understand any of this, calls the doc to verify this information and he backs up Phaedra.  Do you hear this ABC and MTV???

The gang assembles by the pool and Kenya pushes Apollo in and receives a round of stink eye from the ladies.  Apollo throws Kenya over his shoulder and jumps in the water with her.  Phaedra is totally pissed and she’s got her trigger finger on the tazer!  Walter is also in the pool floating around with his true love, his cocktail.

Apollo-Kenya

The next morning, Phaedra sends Kenya a message via her flawless, solid-chocolate donk wrapped in a thong and a fishnet mermaid dress.  She needs to fight fire with fire and she has brought out the big guns buns.

PhaedraBooty

They take three boat rides to another island and everyone goes their separate ways for some alone time.  Kenya, the unhinged, continues to pressure Walter while they walk on the beach and suggests they elope.  He chokes on the cherry in his bay breeze, gives her a brotherly kiss, and manages to allay the convo for three more days.

Kandi and Todd sit down for a drink and the waitress offers the drink menu “We have F*ck me Sideways, F*ck me Up, Get me Laid, Panty Dropper, and Margarita.”  Did Kim write the menu?  Kandi goes with a virgin colada and Todd goes sideways.  No drama here, these two are having a nice time.

Phaedra has arranged a cultural extravaganza with the minister of tourism, and guess what, Kenya flirts with him too.  They have a dance academy entertain and then the ladies join in to learn the dance moves.  Nene reminds us of her stripper past “You ain’t teachin’ me nuttin’ new, I know all this shit, I been work in the pole for years”.  Again, another reason to love Nene.  Kenya does the Jersey turnpike in front of Peter, or as Phaedra calls it “Don’t rub yo’ funky booty up against his genetalia!  Uckkkk!”  Amen sista!

Kenya-Turnpike

Kenya meets the general manager from another hotel and she flirts with him as well.  All this girl needs is a penis and a pulse.  Jeff is a tall Filipino man and Kenya asks if he is married (yes, wah wah) and if he wants to donate sperm to create a Black/Filipino baby (uh no…you psycho hose beast).  She admits she is trying to get a rise out of Walter “in more ways than one”, but she is failing miserably on both counts.  Walter can barely seem to muster up a shit.  I’ll whip out one of my ol’ classics here, Kenya, if desperation and neediness were attractive, they would be Calvin Klein fragrances.  Get a grip, girl!

Phaedra is clearly annoyed with Kenya at this point and to add insult to injury, Kenya saunters up, throws her arms around her and Apollo and asks which two friends Phaedra would agree to give Apollo a “free pass to have fun with”.  Phaedra’s face says it all and she tells the camera “don’t put yo’ paws on Apollo!”  Amen again, sista.  She tells Kenya to move along before she gets pissed off.  I have to give Phaedra props for keeping her cool, for now.

Next week it looks like there is a wedding (vow renewal) and Nene and Kenya finally scrap with a dash of Porsha thrown in.

Wig Out

Kim and her girls are enjoying a pizza lunch and the girls say they are very happy to be back in the townhouse.  Kim spouts out her random stupidity “I want fried dough”, “that beer looks good”, “it’s 110 degrees out here”.  The girls ask Kim if they were planned pregnancies, Brielle was not, but Arianna was.  Kim assures them she is done after this one and the girls vow to make sure Kim is on birth control going forward.  It’s good to see they are smart enough to think of that!  I figured I would see both of them on Teen Mom 3.

Phaedra and Apollo are going on a double date with Kenya and Walter.  Kenya immediately hones her laser focus in on Apollo and compares him to Tyson Beckford.  Ahem…while Apollo is handsome, sorry…he is no Tyson.  Anyhoo, Apollo asks about Kenya’s producing skills and asks her to assist with the donkey booty work out video.  Walter has snuck off to the bar to pound Jager Bombs.  Phaedra tells us that bitch tried it and she better “pump her brakes” because she is violating girl code.  They board the go karts and Kenya is just running her mouth and screaming the whole time, while Phaedra and Walter poke along cautiously.  Apollo wins and Kenya pouts.

Kenya-GoKart

Cynthia and Peter break out an old $200 bottle of wine, of course it has gone bad and they dump it out since they have money to burn.  Nene and Gregg arrive and Peter asks about the status of their relationship, to which Nene says “it’s the new normal” and they have been happier since they divorced.  Cynthia discusses planning a couples trip to Anguilla and Nene scowls when Kim and Kroy are mentioned.  While Cynthia sneaks off for another glass of non-rancid wine, Peter tells Nene about his intent to surprise Cynthia with vow renewals while on the beach.  Nene says Cynthia hates surprises, but revels in the fact that she will be caught off guard.

Porsha is back and headed to the doctor to find out if she can get pregnant again and she wants twins.  She wants four kids, two boys and two girls, but she doesn’t want to “have five different pregnancies”.  With twins, she would only have two births, plus her other two, which is four.  She says this while holding up three fingers.  I think this ditz belongs on Real Housewives of OC.  Porsha and Kordell have a bizarre convo about eating a certain type of yam in order to increase chances of having twins while they wait for the doctor.  Doc explains she can get back to it within a month and she needs to worry about one baby right now, rather than twins.  They joke about how Porsha wishes she could just place her order, but it ain’t the GD Burger King.

Kandi and Cynthia meet for lunch and discuss their donkey booties and Cynthia springs the couple trip idea on her.  Kandi doesn’t think Todd can get enough time off work, but she tells the camera that the real reason is that he doesn’t like the drama involved with the ATL crew.  Kandi discusses her discontent with Miss Nene and is disturbed by her motives.  Cynthia tries to sugar coat it by saying Nene doesn’t have a problem with her, but Kandi isn’t biting into that mess.

Porsha is meeting with Cynthia and Nene at the Hosea Williams Foundation to discuss feeding the hungry 265 days a year.  Nene cackles to the camera, “265…where the hell that bitch live at?”  Cynthia and Nene agree to do a public service announcement and Porsha offers them some champagne to celebrate.  They sip on their drinks and Porsha brings up Kenya and relays the story from the charity event.  Little Cynthia finally feels validated about the Bailey Agency incident.  Nene boasts that she is a great judge of character and she is still willing to try and figure it out with Kenya, but she doesn’t have a good feeling about it.  I don’t either, but I can’t wait to see Nene swoop down on Kenya like a rabid pterodactyl.

Kandi and Phaedra go shopping and Kandi has a present for Phaedra.  “Is it a penis ring?” Phaedra asks hopefully.  It turns out it’s the kegel balls and Phaedra will reluctantly give it a try, but she wants the damn penis ring.  Kandi reveals WTMI by saying she is wearing hers!  They discuss the Anguilla trip and hope Kim won’t back out on them.  Well I hope the people in hell get the ice water they have been clamoring for.  We already know Kim is going to give them the slip since the trip has been arranged around Kim’s schedule, which was their first mistake.  They spend $1,000 on ugly picture frames and bee bop on their merry way.

Cynthia arrives at a restaurant to meet the girls to discuss the Anguilla trip.  Phaedra arrives and steps into the ring with Cynthia for round two.  Nothing says “I’m sorry” like a humongous bouquet of flowers and a fascinator. 

PhaedraApology

Phaedra cops to the unsavory comment and Cynthia accepts her apology.  Phaedra appreciates that this isn’t another “black baby gate” and Cynthia deletes the incriminating voice mail.  Kandi arrives and announces she invited Kenya and Cynthia’s eyeballs fall out of her head.  Phaedra continues to have breast envy while Nene strolls in appearing less than excited and Kim waddles in behind her.  The shrews start chatting and Kenya asks Cynthia if she is invited.  There’s a long pause and Kenya says she will invite herself.  Kim already starts her patented back pedal and says she has to talk to her doctor.  The excuses flow like rancid wine down a drain, her cervix is too short, husband is at camp, she’s breastfeeding, she’s two years pregnant.  Cynthia reiterates how they rearranged the schedule for Kim and she rattles through more excuses and is now saying she is eight months pregnant and then she says she has eight weeks left and her due date has been moved a few times.  Clearly, this HO is full of shit and she is using Porsha’s calendar.  Her due date is about as exact as her eviction date.  Nene says these lies are precisely why she “don’t f*ck wit her!”  Kim drops the ultimate bomb by revealing that she and Kroy are going on vacation the same week as the Anguilla trip.  Kandi voices her irritation, she is skipping the ASCAP awards for the songwriters of the year, Cynthia passed on a Macy’s job, Phaedra had a trial, etc.  Phaedra lays it down and asks her if she is committed to their friendship at all.  Kim says her priorities have changed and Nene makes her derp face has to take a moment to get a grip before she puts her on blast. 

NeneTiredExcuses

Oh what a tangled wig Kim has weaved, as the conversation escalates, Kim pulls chute, runs out, and shoves the camera man.  She doesn’t have time for this crap, she has a spin off to shoot.  Thursdays on Bravo “Cracked Out Clown HO!”, don’t miss it!

Looks like the drama is heating up and next week Kenya continues to cross the line with Apollo, which is fine by me, because I would love to see Phaedra go bath salt crazy on her ass.