Pump Your Brakes

She by Shereé arrives to see Phaedra “Pit Bull” Parks to discuss the hearing with Bob.  She by Shereé is upset and felt the judge was on Bob’s side, to which Phaedra replies “the law is technical…”  Haha, that answer is so Phaedra.  She by Shereé is second guessing her motives now that she realizes Bob may not owe her that much Jimmy Choo child support after all is said and done.  Phaedra quickly jumps at the opportunity to put She by Shereé on blast about the fact that she made it sound to Kandi at dinner the other night that Phaedra didn’t do her job.  Phaedra explains she has been diligent and done what she has supposed to do.  She by Shereé is smirking as if she knows better.  I pretty much called this last week, Phaedra explains to her that she didn’t receive the retainer until 3:30 p.m. the day before the case.  So, She by Shereé is pissed that Phaedra didn’t comp her services and blames Phaedra for not asking for the retainer sooner.  Phaedra isn’t going to argue and she basically tells She by Shereé that they should not work together, they should see other people, and it’s not you, it’s me.

Kim and Kroy are waiting for their decorator, Kendra, to come by and discuss the plans for the new house.  Kim isn’t sparing any expense and she needs Kendra to go through 4 storage units, Kroy’s house, and the current house, then decorate the 17,000 square foot house, all within a week.  Kendra says it’s a 3 month job, but sleep is for sissies and she’ll get it done.  Kendra’s asshole is sweating like it’s being paid to.

Cynthia has invited the ladies to an art gallery opening.  She by Shereé says she loves art, but above all, she loves clothes, shoes, handbags, and child support money.  Marlo arrives and Kandi tells the story about how Marlo got her money.  Marlo approaches the confab and Kandi point blank puts it out there and presses for an answer about how Marlo makes money.  Kandi says to the camera that Marlo tells her that she’s always been good with money, she doesn’t blow her money, but the question is does she blow for money?  Cut back to the scene and Marlo says she’s always dated wealthy men and received a monthly allowance.  So to answer Kandi’s question, yes…Marlo does blow for money.  Maybe Marlo can use that monthly allowance and buy the painting in the gallery that says “Who invited all these tacky people?”

Cynthia and Peter are getting ready for a “power couple” photo shoot at Bar One.  She shows Peter her invitation to the Bailey Agency opening party and Peter rides her like a rodeo pig over the fact that she didn’t get them mailed in time.  He walks away and starts browbeating the help.  Cynthia is asking Peter to help her with the invitations and he keeps arguing with her.  Jeez, who lit the fuse on his manpon?

Kim is micro-managing supervising the moving men.  Kim’s dad asks about the wigs and Kim explains that they are going with her in the car and in a seat belt.  She loves her babies wigs, Sierra, Farrah, Dolly, Deborah, and Candy.  They are really very well behaved in the car.

 

Kim and the girls reflect on the wall in the kitchen where they allowed all their guests to write things.  We take a short journey down memory lane and see many of Kim’s low-lights, socializing with friends, drinking, smoking, the dip in the lady pond with DJ Tracy Young, drinking, smoking, the skinny laser treatment, drinking, smoking, and eating pizza, Nene’s impersonation of Kim at the wig party, drinking and smoking, and the birth of Tardy for the Party.

Kandi sits down with her manager Don Juan to discuss where they are going next with her music.  Kandi is looking a bit “Holly Hobby” in her green jumper.  Don Juan urges her to move away from the “non-profit” projects.  That’s his politically correct way of saying “stop helping dumb ho’s.”  We reflect on the singing experience with Kim.  Kandi does want to write songs for other singers and our li’l Kandi wants to go Kountry!  Kandi wants to conquer the entertainment world from every facet, she wants to be on the cover of Maxim and grace the walls of jail cells.  Don Juan says “Hell to the no dot com, you off da’ hook!”  I am not sure that is really a lofty goal, to grace the walls of jail cells, but whatever blows your Holly Hobby skirt up.

Decorator Kendra is whipping her team of boy bitches in order to get Kim and Kroy’s new pad up to snuff.  Kim-n-crew arrive and are in love with their new home, Kim’s glamour shots are all over the house.  Kroy loves the “rock star” nursery and the girls love their bedrooms.  Kim is living the dream and Kroy hopes they don’t have to move in a year depending upon his career.

Kandi is Skyping with Jo Dee Messina, one of the country singers Kandi aspires to write for.  Li’l Ronnie joins the conversation and he recently wrote for American Idol winner, Scotty McCreary.  Kandi plays a sample of a song called “Vindictive” for Jo Dee, but she tells Kandi it’s not really her cup of tea.  She doesn’t do ballads so much.  But Kandi gets some good notes from Jo Dee and they plan to head to Nashville and work on some songs.  Li’l Ronnie tells Kandi that country really needs more of her “man bashing” songs.

Cynthia is getting her hair and makeup done for her opening party.  She is shaking like a dog shitting peach pits and fears no one will show up.  She tells the camera that “typically people don’t look at models like they’re smart people or even good business peeper.”  Yes, she said “peeper”.  Wow…anyhoo, maybe Cynthia needs a Speak-N-Spell for Christmas!  Malorie arrives and starts pressing Cynthia about what’s wrong until Cynthia has a mini-meltdown.  She cries a bit and ruins her makeup to the point where the makeup artist basically has to intervene and tell her to keep it cute and put it on mute.

They arrive at the Bailey Agency, and people are there enjoying the festivities and Cynthia’s breakdown was all for naught.  The Bailey Agency School of Fashion is off to a roaring start.  Malorie is yammering on to their brother Thomas, that Peter is only here now for the fun part and he didn’t do any of the hard work.  Peter and Cynthia are posing for pictures on the step-n-repeat and he gives her props for making her dream come to life.  Seemingly so supportive…

Phaedra and Apollo arrive and Phaedra is wearing some Herve Leger white dominatrix dress that looks like it’s crushing her lungs.  Marlo comes running over by Phaedra for a photo op and they discuss etiquette for going commando.  Wow, talk about a meeting of the hinds.  She by Shereé arrives and immediately starts harping about the lack of air conditioning.  Kim and Kroy show up and while Kim is excited to get out, she doesn’t want to tangle with Moose Nene.  Marlo is all over them and Kim tells the camera that all she has heard about Marlo is that “she sleeps with wealthy men and they give her money and buy her things, who does that?!?”  I have to trust that Kim is:

A)       Being sarcastic and making fun of herself because she has done that!

B)       Dumber than a doorknob.

C)       A victim of severe, horrifying amnesia.

D)       All of the above.

Nene arrives and hugs Cynthia and a man dressed like a drag queen version of Elvis is giving Nene the once over.  Marlo is asking Kim how she feels about Nene, way to stir the shit stew, Marlo.  However, Kim maintains her composure.  The main event turns to Marlo and Kandi.  She goes after Kandi about giving her…ahem… “the fifty degree”…(can we get a Speak-N-Spell over here…STAT!) and Marlo puts Kandi on blast for saying she had a “big papa”.  Kim gets a confused look and takes another off-camera slam on Marlo, basically calling her a prostitution whhhoooah.  Kandi and Marlo get into it like two dogs scrappin’ for the same T-Bone.  Marlo says she heard Kandi is a “big mama” and she takes care of men.  What the balls?  The look on Kim’s face is priceless, she is about to shit a brick, sideways.  Kandi is trying to lay it straight and Marlo keeps talking about her wealthy men, her allowance and says she never dated a “big papa.”  Nene is laughing her ass off in the background because the phrase “big papa” being thrown around is making Kim really uncomfortable.  It keeps escalating and Kim decides to take her brokedown weave and leave, she gives Kandi a hug and Kandi says “that was BULLSHIT!”  While Kim is at home pumping her breasts, Marlo needs to work on pumping her brakes.  But whatever you do…Don’t pump and drive!

Marcus the event planner calls everyone’s attention to the stage to introduce Cynthia.  She calls up Malorie to give her props and then she calls her mother up, aaaaaaaand then Peter…who is MIA.  MIA…WTF?  Everyone is looking around and it’s totally awkward.  Peter has split and Cynthia is totally pissed.  I think Kandi could write a country song about it, “Stand by your Model.”

So the real fight card tonight was Kandi vs. Marlo, the promos always get it twisted.  On a scale of one to Phaedra, I give the fight a 6.  They are just getting warmed up.  The girls of the ATL will be back January 8th to ring in the new year with more drama!

We Be Ballin’

 

She by Shereé arrives at the office of Legal Mullet at Large, Phaedra “Pit Bull” Parks.  She by Shereé has been SERVED.  Bob is filing for a modification of the Hermes handbag child support amount he owes based on his reduced income.  Dressing up as the “Liberty Tax Service” mascot doesn’t pay as well as the NFL.  Phaedra basically tells her that this will open up litigation (cha-ching) and Phaedra presents her with options.  She by Shereé refuses to do anything that will result landing Bob in jail.  She would rather tie herself up in litigation, but she fears the courts will side with famous NFL baller Bob.

Speaking of ballers, “Kandi Coated Nights” is underway on the new set and NFL baller Charles Grant and Marlo Hampton are her guests.  The topic is “How to Hook a Baller”, which she thinks is appropriate because many of her ATL cohorts, including She by Shereé, Kim, and Nene, have been involved with “ballers”.  Kandi asks Charles what it takes to hook a baller and he says that women in Atlanta are selling their soul too fast and people are pretentious.  He don’t want no woman with a Gucci purse, red bottoms on her shoes, and then see her get into a Honda Civic.  That’s a poser if I have ever seen one!  Kandi asks Marlo how she got her game up and she says “God.”  Kandi says to the camera that the rumor is Marlo had an ol’ white sugar-daddy before she got with Charles.  Kandi doesn’t really get her answer because Marlo has no conceivable talent.  Maybe Marlo called her ol’ white sugar-daddy “God”.

Kim and Kroy are tending to Kroy Jagger Jr. and prepping him for his first car ride home.  Kim is a worried mom, her va-jay-jay hurts and she is worrying that the seatbelt is hurting KJ’s wiener.  Sweetie greets her at home and asks “why you walkin’ like dat?”  Kim graciously explains “because I just popped an 8 pound kid outta my twat.”  Mini-dog Chanel doesn’t really seem to like KJ, all of the attention is gone.  She immediately retaliates by peeing on the carpet while KJ takes a gargantuan tar-baby dump in his diaper.

Cynthia and Nene go shopping at a vintage shop and Nene is disgusted because she doesn’t like wearing other peoples clothes.  Cynthia starts picking things out and she finds this horrendous baby blue lace dress and wants Nene to buy it.  It’s hideous, it looks like the dress Jill wore to go up the hill to fetch a pail of water.  That shit ain’t right.  Nene agrees to try on a sparkly top, which is the perfect time for Cynthia to bring up the subject of what Charles said on Kandi Coated Nights.  He said that he and Nene were never in a relationship and only went on one date.  Nene says that is correct and that Charles “ain’t neva gonna get dis Hello Kitty.”  Ugg…I think a better term would be “Goodbye Donkey”.  Cynthia laughs at Nene and for a split second, she reveals some Jurassic Park action going on with her teeth.  She must be on the Jessica Simpson dental plan.  Cynthia talks up Marlo and says Nene would like her, she is fun, fashionable, and fabulous.  Is this foreshadowing?  Maybe Marlo will replace Yawns by Shereé.

She by Shereé arrives at Phaedra’s house in her new Porsche, and Phaedra doesn’t think it’s too smart of She by Shereé to buy these things if she is trying to get back Louboutin child support.  She by Shereé has brought some outfits over to model for the court date.  Game time…let’s play “Who Gonna Judge Me, Boo?”  Phaedra advises against any designer duds and tries to steer She by Shereé to the right choices, she says it can’t be “Dolce”, how about Nolce!  If She by Shereé needs to appear broke, she should wear her own fashion line.  The first outfit is no good because the donkey booty is out of control.  They agree on a plain pair of pants that don’t bring so much attention to the badonkadonk.  She by Shereé is a perfect example of the pretentious ATL woman Charles Grant spoke to Kandi about.  Obsessed with labels, material things, and status.

Kandi meets with a woman named Suki from OhMiBod.  Awww…Suki Suki now!  They discuss the adult toys and they may be working together because they already have the technology to make the toys move to music.  They take a gander at a few favorites and Kandi is excited about the opportunity.

Meanwhile, Kim is fawning over KJ and snaps at Brielle for sneezing.  She is barking commands at Sweetie to wash her wigs.  Sweetie starts with “Debbie” in the sink with the Pantene.  Kim starts to lecture Brielle about being a good big sister and brings up an incident where she stabbed Ariana in the hand with a fork.  Brielle says it “was in the heat of the moment” and “it wasn’t a fork it was a spork.”  Well, that makes it excusable.  Kim glares at her with the death stare, and they both continue to micromanage Sweetie while she washes “Debbie”.  Sweetie puts a bit of olive oil on the wig and Kim wigs out!  Kim is very cranky, who rubbed salt in her episiotomy?  She finally gives Sweetie an “E for Effort” and then Brielle says “Effort starts with A” that’s why the saying is “A for Effort”.  OHMYLANTA.

Phaedra arrives at her office and her assistants Steven and Latoya are at her service.  Latoya gives her the lowdown about getting the check from She by Shereé.  It basically sounds like a scavenger hunt, and Latoya still has no check.  Phaedra wants her $5,000 retainer, after all, She by Shereé carries a $10,000 handbag!  Finally, Phaedra’s other assistant, Brandon, arrives with the check after running all over the ATL to find She by Shereé.  Hmmm…She by She-shady!

Kim’s parents come to visit the new baby and Kim’s dad Joe is full of questions about breastfeeding.  Can we say creepy?  Joe starts riding Brielle about helping out and babysitting.  Brielle doesn’t seem to thrilled, I’m sure this will blow up at some point.  Kim keeps going on and on about how she is afraid of the baby’s penis.  This is so bizarre, that’s an area Kim has always known her way around.  Chanel has another accident in the house and Kim’s mom starts lecturing the dog.

She by Shereé arrives at court and her mom, Thelma, shows up for moral support.  Bob is representing himself and Phaedra thinks that is a good strategy to make it look like he has no money.  He also shows up to court “a hot mess.”  She by Shereé says Bob is smart, he went to Stanford, he knows how to look up things on the internet, but this is why he should get his ass a job.  Bob has filed a petition for contempt and Phaedra is not aware of it.  The case is continued to a later date and Phaedra states this is just a stall tactic.  Bob leaves the courtroom and gives Thelma a big hug and a kiss and she reciprocates!  They leave the courthouse and Bob sticks his tongue out at She by Shereé.  Real mature.

Phaedra meets Kandi at the Wahoo Grill for dinner.  She by Shereé joins them, but she is all sour grapes over Phaedra’s lackluster performance in the courtroom earlier that day.  Phaedra is trying to delicately address She by Shereé about this, something tells me these two are going to fista cuffs over this.  She by Shereé is basically inferring that Bob beat Phaedra to the punch and Phaedra says “oh he’s just filing things, willy nilly.”  She by Shereé gives a big eye-roll.  On a scale of one to Phaedra, the tension is a about a 7.  She by Shereé seems to be forgetting that she didn’t commit to Phaedra to proceed and then she sent two of Phaedra’s staffers scouring the ATL for the damn retainer check.  The whole thing is a fuster cluck, and listening to She by Shereé whine about it is getting old.

Next time…it looks like We Be Brawlin’…nobody, and I mean NOBODY is getting along.  It’s a full fight card with She by Shereé vs. Phedra, Peter vs. Cynthia, Kim vs. Kandi, and Kim vs. Nene.

Moves Like Jagger

It’s delivery day at the Zolciak household and Kim is locked, cocked, and ready to rock.  (Not in that particular order).  Sweetie is on wig duty as she ushers Kim out the door with her supplies.  Kim has preeclampsia and the doctor wants to induce labor.  Kroy is not looking forward to all of the yelling and Kim gives him the blanket disclaimer that she won’t be responsible for any of the rotten shit she says to him.  She knows it won’t be a picnic, it will be “like a Mack truck drivin’ through your hoo ha.”  She starts accusing Kroy of not being nervous enough and they get into a debate about how Kroy is reacting.  He likens it to a football game and Kim goes off the rails.

She by Shereé and her mother, Thelma, are exploring the future location of Chateau Shereé.  She fills her in about Bob and the lack of child support and Thelma tells She by Shereé a story about when she was 7 years old and her father didn’t pay child support.  She by Shereé reflects about how all she wanted was a “Speak-n-Spell” toy for Christmas, but he never got it for her.  Looks like She by Shereé learned the life lesson of “Empty Promises” that year.  On a serious note, it’s actually quite sad, because that is the one thing She by Shereé still remembers about her father.  With that, Thelma helps She by Shereé see that the cycle is repeating and she needs to drag Bob’s balls through glass and take him to court.  I smell the deft legal stylings of Phaedra “Pit Bull” Parks coming on…

Nene and Cynthia hit New York and settle into their hotel room to sort out their plans.  Nene plans to meet with her business partner, John, who owns Famous Famiglia Pizza.  Nene contends that John wants to hook up with her, but she is not interested.  Cynthia is going to meet Russell Simmons and she is claiming that he proposed to her at one point.  So Cynthia will visit an old flame and Nene may be starting a new flame.

Phaedra is heading into court and she is confident she will be successful because she knows the judge.  Her client, Dave, is late and he walks into the courtroom chanting “superstar lawyer” and he is charged with excessive window tint and possession of less than an ounce of marijuana.  He has also can’t pass a sobriety test and has priors, so Phaedra knows the judge may put the hammer down, but since he knows Phaedra, he lets the kid off the hook with a hefty fine and 6 months’ probation.  They go out to the parking lot and he is still driving around with the excessive window tint.  He also pays Phaedra in cash, so my guess is there is some shady activity afoot!

Meanwhile, back in New York, Cynthia arrives at Russell’s office.  I am not sure what is up with Cynthia’s librarian look, maybe she thinks it makes her look smart.  They discuss their relationship and how Russell cheated on her 20-some years ago, all while Russell signs books, talks to his receptionist, and listens to Cynthia’s pitch about conducting a model search.  Russell finds some holes in her concept and gives her a new name instead of being a modeling agency, it should be a school of fashion so that Cynthia won’t have to throw out the chubby kids.  He tells Cynthia that she doesn’t age and if she was single he’d hit that shit.

Kim and Kroy arrive at the hospital and Kim is wiggin’ out, literally.  She lies to the nurse and says she doesn’t smoke and they question her about wearing the wig and she has no plans to take it off.  They ask her about psychological illnesses and Kroy chuckles.  At least he knows what he’s getting into.  They administer the epidural and Kim is on the way to the happy place.  Kroy has total game face on and Kim demands a large diet lemonade.

Kandi and Mama Joyce are getting together to prep Mama Joyce for a photo shoot for on-line dating site.  Mama Joyce is cramming herself into some spanx like a stuffed sausage.  Kandi sets the makeup gun to “A-MAN-ta in Atlanta”, because Mama Joyce says she feels like a drag queen.  Kandi shoots Mama J. on top of a muscle car…hot mama…hot wheels…annnnnnnnnnnnd it’s a wrap!

She by Shereé arrives back home to a petition for modification of child support from Bob.  She calls Thelma for a quick gut check.  Thelma gives her the responsibility talk and how Bob is setting a bad example and prompts She by Shereé to go to court.  Sounds like a case for Phaedra, Legal Mullet at Large.

Nene meets with John for a romantic business dinner.  He tries to pitch “Lenethia’s Lounge”.  Great, open up another bar doomed to fail.  John butters her up and puts the moves on her like the total chach bag that he is.  She is clearly annoyed with him and he keeps trying to impersonate her.  He’s doing the “mmmmm…hmmmm” complete with head bob-n-weave.  He couldn’t look dopier and whiter if he tried.  Nene plays the “recently separated” card and knocks back 18 glasses of champagne.

He keeps calling himself a “real man” and he feeds her some tainted clams casino.  She is about to blow chunks and he whips out a Tiffany box.  She opens it up and it’s a pen for her to sign her first deal with him.  He thinks that Nene has a license to print money.  I think he wants to make it rain up in here.  She seems a bit relieved, but then he takes her outside for “dessert” and presents her with some Loubouton “pay me” heels.  He clearly wants to deliver something to Nene in 30 minutes or less (thank you, Andy Cohen).  Then some other older dude comes up and gives her some schpeel and starts serenading her.  Nene finally concedes and admits she does like him.  I smell a Sugar Daddy…

Cynthia meets up with Kithe, her stylist.  He has lost 82 pounds and Cynthia is swooning.  He asks her how she is handling life in the ATL, but Kithe pegs the ATL ladies as materialistic label-lovin’ hos.  He starts lecturing her about how she needs to make progress and it gets all serious.  Cynthia starts to get a little veklempt and she says she is constantly doing damage control with Peter.  Alas, she stands by her man and she has no choice but to turn things around even though she only feels alive in New York.  They finish up their heart to heart and he tells her to stop dumbing herself down for the ATL crowd.

Kim’s daughters arrive to visit her in the delivery room.  Kim is now trying to keep her game face on so the girls don’t have to see her freaking out from the pain.  The girls are yammering on with their own philosophies about how this birth should go and Kim is hurtin’ and wants them out of there more than she wants the baby out.  Dr. Hood comes in to take a look under Kim’s hood and he says if “she’s not cussin’, she’s not ready.”  Moments later, Kroy Jagger Bierman, Junior is on the scene, so Kim came through everything okay, wig intact.  Kroy is amazed and the girls are thrilled.  We flash back to when Kim went to the palm reader and she predicted another baby boy for her.  Unbeweaveable!

A special episode airs again on Tuesday where it looks like She by Shereé is getting her donkey booty handed to her on a platter in court.

Bar None…Done Dollar

Kandi is at her boutique, “Tags”, and Phaedra is at the door knocking on the door with her hoof because her hands are full.  She comes bearing gifts again, which can only mean one thing…a half-donkey-assed apology for the ReDICKulous incident the other night.  Kandi says that Mama Joyce is still upset, but Kandi and Phaedra still firmly believe that everyone should see ReDICKulous at least once in a lifetime.  They believe he belongs in the “Ripley’s Believe it or Not” museum and Phaedra maintains that he is incredibly talented.  Phaedra also says that if she had his talent, she would never go to work.  The two enjoy a piece of cake and discuss the peculiar response to the stripper from Nene.  Phaedra can’t get over it, she says “you showed your cervix for a quarter, child.”  They find her reaction contradictory and mention that Nene is hosting Peter’s party for “Bar One”.  Phaedra says Peter “could make a dollar out of fifteen cents, the man’s a pimp”, and despite their differences she loves a man with some Hustle.  Well no shit, Phaedra.  You married an ex-con.

Cynthia is at the International Interior Design Fashion Show and she will be the emcee.  Apollo and Phaedra arrive to show support and they have made amends with Cynthia and Peter.  Lawrence also arrives looking very interesting in his 6” stilettos and a chain necklace hooked from ear to ear, and correct me if I am wrong, but it looks like he’s wearing “mom jeans”.  Cynthia totally sucks and cannot speak in public whatsoever.  The only thing worse than her speaking is the actual fashions that look like bad home-ec projects gone horribly awry.  She by Shereé also makes an appearance and she and Phaedra blow bubbles up Cynthia’s butt about how wonderful she is.  Phaedra gives us more words of wisdom…everybody knows…you want to look at models, not listen to them.

Enter friends of Phaedra’s, Marlo and Charles.  She knows them from the Badonkadonk Workout World and they are a “Power Couple”.  Marlo is a skanklet socialite and Charles is an NFL player.  She by Shereé knows Marlo already and Cynthia invites Marlo and Charles to the Bar One party.  I smell trouble…and it has Charles written all over it.  There is going to be some drama swirling soon…She by Shereé asks Phaedra where she knows the name Charles Grant.  Phaedra drops the bomb that it was in the tabloids that Charles was the one Nene was messing around with while she was still married to Gregg.  Well if it was in the tabloids, it must be true.  Phaedra has just crop-dusted a shit bomb.  Nene’s head is going to explode like a popcorn kernel when she hears this.

Cynthia and Maloire take their mother to the Bailey Agency to show her around.  Malorie looks like she would rather eat her own earwax than be involved in this thing.  The sisters start arguing again and Momma Barbara tells them to stop and then the discussion shifts to Bar One.  Cynthia drops her own shit bomb about Peter’s investor that fell through and bounced the $40,000 check.  Cynthia is having flashbacks to the whole Uptown fiasco, but she is considering helping him out.  Same ol’ shituation.  Malorie starts crying because she knows this is the same ol’ song and dance.  Exit, stage left…

She by Shereé is in the park playing soccer with her kids and her ex-husband, Bob Whitfield shows up and joins the game.  She by Shereé and Bob adjourn to have a “talk”, and it goes off the rails quickly, he hasn’t paid child support in almost four years.  Sidebar:  Bob looks like he’s taken a few too many hits to the head.  He got a bad case o’ da’ CRAZY EYES!  Bob starts cracking down on She by Shereé about her expensive things and thinks she doesn’t need the support.  She by She-Rage is furious and she throws water on him and leaves.  Interestingly enough, the water seems to splash right off of Bob, he must have applied a coat of Scotch Guard before going to see She by Shereé.  He apparently knows the drill.

Kim is waddling up the stairs to sit with Brielle and have a chat.  She is due in two weeks and Brielle is poking her belly.  She is worried that Kim will lose interest in her and Ariana after the baby comes.  They have an odd conversation about the baby, labor, and breastfeeding, and we’ll leave it at that.  I think Kim was trying to scare Brielle as a means of birth control, but we all know those two girls will end up on MTV’s “Teen Mom 4.”

Cynthia and Peter are gearing up for the Bar One “soft-launch” party.  Nene comes in for the tour and she gushes over Peter.  Cynthia thinks Nene will be a huge draw because she is a “celebrity”.  Jezuz, next Nene will be on “Dancing with the D-List Stars”.  Peter has a lot of work to do and the ladies detect a smell in the place, literally.  Thank goodness they haven’t invented Smell-O-Vision yet.  Cynthia asks Peter about the $40K that bounced and offers him a loan if he needs it.  Peter says he will work it out, but is glad to know she would have his back.  We see a shot of the outside of Bar One and it looks like an old Ponderosa building.

She by Shereé goes to visit Phaedra for some legal advice about the child support issue.  Phaedra ponders if Bob likes bologna sandwiches on white bread and macaroni and cheese with no cheese because that’s what they serve at the county jail.  She by Shereé has a bit of a breakdown over it because she can’t decide what to do.  Phaedra phaekes some crocodile tears and urges She by Shereé to think about it.  Phaedra says that if She by Shereé hires her to do the dirty work, she has a pit bull on her team.  So Phaedra is like a legal mullet, pit bull in the front and donkey in the back!  (Thanks Andy Cohen for that one!)

Kandi goes to see Mama Joyce and Black & Decker couldn’t cut the tension between them.  Mama Joyce has changed her wig because she needed a “pick-me-up” after the stripper disaster.  It’s new from Kim Zolciak’s wig line:  As sassy new calming brunette mushroom cut, guaranteed to lift your spirits and erase the image burned on your brain of a giant penis doing the “windmill” dance.  Kandi apologizes and questions why Mama didn’t get upset about the stripper they had at Kandi’s baby shower.  Mama Joyce side-steps that question a bit and refers back to how outraged she is that the stripper was at the birthday party and it was disrespectful.  They seem to have smoothed it over…for now.  The calming wiglet seems to be working.

The Bar One “soft-launch” party is starting and it certainly is “soft”.  It’s literally wilting.  The air conditioning is not working, everyone is schvizing in their designer duds, there’s no furniture, and no Nene!  She by Shereé and Lawrence are tooling around in the hood, thinking they’re lost, but then they see the bar.  She by Shereé thinks the crowd will be sketchy given the location.  Everyone is bitching about the heat and Phaedra comments that Bar One is very “Miami, but it’s just in da’ hood.”  She thinks the bar will be successful “cuz’ hood folks gotta drink too.”  Gotta love Phaedra, she is quickly becoming my favorite.  Derek J. arrives lookin’ like he just got out of a clown car.  Charles and Marlo are also at the party and Phaedra finds it fishy that Nene is not there, but chalks it up to the rumors about Charles.

Cynthia asks Peter how he made the bar happen without the investor and he said because “I’m gangsta, I’m Jamaican”.  He has a surprise for her and she is very leery.  Maybe he booked ReDICKulous!  Kandi is the last to arrive and Cynthia is freaking out about No-Show Nene.  Peter takes the mic and reveals the surprise to Cynthia, which is a mural of her alter ego “Foxy Brown”.  Her fro is so huge, she’s lookin’ like she’s right out of “Good Times”.

Cynthia said she got a text from No-Show Nene that it was a wardrobe malfunction that slowed her down.  The girls are all over the Charles and Marlo scandal and know that is why Nene is M.I.A.  Kandi inquires with Charles and he says he went out with Nene one time, but she was too much into herself.  He said he was turned off, never saw her again, it was a “done dollar.”  Oh, I bet it was Charles.

Nene finally shows up and starts workin’ da’ crowd.  She by Shereé is floored by Cynthia’s non-reaction to Nene being tardy for the party.  Phaedra says that Cynthia and Peter love Nene “like a fat kid loves cake.”  Charles pipes up that Nene totally threw shade and didn’t even acknowledge them.  Nene denies the allegations about her and Charles and the girls think Nene ignored him because he dumped her.  Looks like next week Nene is flirting with a new guy and Kim finally delivers.

Strictly Redonkulous

Phaedra pays a visit to Kim with a gift basket to make up for the behavior at the baby shower.  Kim has made a note to self to keep the ex-cons and the assholes off the guest list.  Phaedra is complimenting Kim on the shower and buttering her up, but then she finally gives her half-donkey-booty apology.  Kim is pleased with Phaedra’s attempt and is still annoyed with Cynthia and Peter.  On a scale of one to Phaedra, I give Phaedra a 6 for effort.  Kim is trying to guess Peter’s age and she summates him to be around 65, bottom line…entirely too old to be scrappin’ at a baby shower.  Kim and Phaedra discuss C-sections and Phaedra says she was on so many drugs she was “crazier than a vampire in sunlight.”  It doesn’t take drugs for that, Phaedra.

Cynthia brings her sister Malorie to see Peter’s new bidness venture, “Bar One.”  I think a better name would be “Bar None.”  Cynthia tries to force Peter and Malorie to have the much needed talk about what went down before Cynthia’s wedding.  They go off the rails quicker than a Kardashian marriage, and basically resolve nothing.  They both have their opinions and heels dug firmly in the ground like angry goats.

Kandi arrives at the Renaissance Hotel and I am happy to see Kandi sporting some edgier gear that isn’t so “Little House on the Prairie.”  Phaedra comes up behind her and comments on her “Boo-TAY!”  Phaedra laughs and proudly shakes her donkey booty as she strolls in.  They are planning Kandi’s 35th birthday party at the hotel and they tour the roof top bar and lounge.  She by Shereé joins the party and they are down with the location, although Kandi doesn’t seem down with turning 35.  Kandi is making the arrangements while Phaedra mentions to She by Shereé that she will bring a surprise to the party and describes it as “something only nature could create.”

Nene, Derek, and Kandi go shoe shopping and Derek is wearing the highest heels out of all three of them.  Kandi is trying to find shoes for the party and Nene asks why Kim isn’t involved since Kim and Kandi have the same birthday.  Kandi says that Kim is due anytime, so she didn’t include her.  Do I smell another catfight???  Kandi talks about Kroy and terms him a “young tenda.”  He’s not a Purdue chicken, Kandi!  They are glad Kim is through with Big Poppa and she finally got it crackin’ with a genuine dude.  Nene throws in a few shots on Kim for having multiple children by multiple fathers, she just can’t help herself.  Kandi asks Nene how she felt when she turned 35, but Nene can’t answer because she is only 34.  Well I guess math isn’t Nene’s strongest subject, because she was born in 1967, which makes her 44, and a liar.

Kroy and Kim are meeting with a Baby Consultant to learn how to handle the baby boy and his junk.  Kim is having a full blown anxiety attack about the circumcision process and the Baby lady explains it and Kim can’t handle the truth.  Kroy says he won’t remember it, he ought to know.  Kim will go along with it because she doesn’t want him to grow up with his “little PP wearing a turtleneck.”  The Baby lady reviews how to change the diaper and handle the delicate areas that the baby will have, Kroy changes the diaper as Kim cheers him on.

Nene goes to visit Cynthia and Peter.  We overhear Peter on the phone about a $40,000.00 check from one of his investors, which bounced.  Nothing good can come from this…it will only end in tears.  The dynamic duo can’t get the champagne open, so Peter has to open it for them and Nene is screaming like a moron.  Nene talks about how Greg picked her up when she returned from Miami, took her luggage up to the bedroom, and they ended up hooking up.  Nene is as giddy as a schoolgirl and they discuss Kandi’s party and what a great time they will have.  Cynthia brings up the whole Peter/Malorie talk and Peter gets agitated and leaves the ladies to go about their bidness.  Little does Cynthia know, Peter is schvitzing over the investor that fell through and is trying to figure out a way to ask her for the money.

She by Shereé and Phaedra go to visit Andrew on the construction site for “Chateau Shereé”.  Andrew has hit some snags and they are behind schedule.  Phaedra breaks out the legal strong arm and basically tells Andrew that they wouldn’t want to have to haul his ass to court.  She says a contractor will basically “blow smoke up your butt with a bubble blower”, especially when dealing with women clients.  Phaedra starts talking about her “brick house” and shows Andrew her donkey badonkadonk booty.  She starts saying “naaaaaay”.  What are you Phaedra?  A donkey or a horse, or part goat?  Her point is she wants Andrew to know that he ain’t dealing with no punks and they will “get into his butt” if they have to.  I think Phaedra is an ass woman.

Malorie and her husband Chris arrive at the Bailey Agency to help her assemble a chair.  Cynthia and Malorie get into yet another dust up about the whole Peter thing.  Chris is standing in between them while they argue.  He’s in the middle of a shit sandwich.  He just wants to put the chair together, but they don’t get too far and he and Malorie leave.

Meanwhile, at the Renaissance, Kandi is having her hair and makeup done for her party and Phaedra drops in.  As they prepare to head down to the festivities, Phaedra takes inventory of her handbag to make sure she has all necessary party items, lipstick…check, mirror…check, enough single dollar bills to make it rain…check, tazer…check.  For serious, she has a tazer in her purse.

Lawrence arrives and Phaedra says he looks like “Mr. T. dipped in Wonder Woman”.  That is about right, he looks crazy.  Derek J. also attends the festivities, and the roll of fat on the back of his neck is so big, it’s another party guest altogether.  The other ladies arrive one by one and there is a clear divide between Cynthia and Nene and the rest of the crowd.  She by Shereé and Phaedra chat about how they are “grown ladies” and Cynthia and Nene joke with Kandi about having a “friend contract” for her to sign.  Kandi is ping ponging between the two cliques and Phaedra wheels in a big red box.  Out pops none other than “ReDICKulous”, who is a stripper that Phaedra represents.  She had told us about him last season and he is apparently very well endowed.  By the looks on the faces of the crowd and the length of the black censor bar when he starts twirling about, I would say he is.  Talk about censory overload!

Kandi’s mom, Mama Joyce is so totally pissed off about the stripper, she stalks off.  The looks from the crowd are a mixture of shock, amazement, and disgust.  The final straw was when ReDICKulous performed his well-known act of orally pleasuring himself.  This throws Mama Joyce over the edge and she says “That’s f*cked up, this is some BULL SH!T!”  Lawrence doesn’t know if his talent is a blessing or a curse.  Nene finds it disgusting and leaves along with Peter and Cynthia.  Nene fuels the fire of Mama Joyce’s fury by agreeing with her about the stripper.  Nene says she took her eyeballs out of her head and drove home blind.  As they say, it’s all fun and games until someone puts out an eye!  Mama Joyce goes off on Kandi, and she doesn’t even know where this is coming from because Mama Joyce has never had a problem with strippers and is very open minded.  Kandi then tells Phaedra that they will just have to “save it for when it’s just us”…umm…okay…so you are going to watch this guy perform AGAIN?  As if once wasn’t enough?!?!?

The whole ReDICKulous situation seems to have killed the party.  Now a few items to note here, first of all, Nene used to be a stripper and she is “strictly dickly”, so for her to act totally disgusted and leave and to also rile up Mama Joyce further, was totally whack.  Still, Nene gets quote of the night with:  “It is disgusting for anybody to jump out of box, on top of a table, when guests are dressed in their nice Versace, and DVF, and their Gucci, and their Christian Louboutins, and you are sucking your penis.”  Never thought I would hear that combination of words.

Sidebar:  Let’s ponder this still photo of ReDICKulous, he appears to be holding his junk with his thumb and index finger while the other fingers are at rest.  He’s twirling it so daintily, they must teach men that in stripper skewl.  Sub-Sidebar:  Yes, that is actor Jerry O’Connell in the lower left corner laughing at ReDICKulous.  He was featured on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen after the ATL episode to discuss all of this tomf*ckery.

It’s a good thing Kim wasn’t at the party, she has enough penis problems of her own.