Ashy to Ashy, Dust to Dust

Part 3 of this stinkin’ reunion can’t be done soon enough, I am so over these ladies it’s all I can do to muster up a few lowlights, so here we go…

1.  Battle of the Titans

We revisit the fact that Nene and Kenya have arguing down to a science, who has the best weave, fakest butt, and biggest paycheck.  Kenya feels that Nene is not a good friend, but rather a controlling dictator.  She whips out a text from Nene where she allegedly told Marlo that if she filmed with Kenya, their friendship was dunzo.  Nene also subjected Cynthia to a three-way call with Kenya on the same subject.  Kenya keeps yelling “bye Felicia”, which must be the invisible housewife that only Kenya can see.  Nene chides Kenya for “popping her gums”, Kenya fires back “at least my gums are original and not from Petco.”  Which is actually kinda funny, but really, we are resorting to insulting each other’s gums?  After these two get done arguing, Kandi puts Nene on blast for bad mouthing Mama Joyce, calling the throwing of the Wal-Mart Wedgie behavior “down in the gutter”.  Bottom line, Nene can dish it all day, but she can’t take it one bit.

Nene addresses her foul behavior and speech (or lack thereof) at the charity event.  She calls Kenya a wolf in sheep’s clothing and offers to put differences aside if Kenya will match a $20K to the charity of Kenya’s choice.  Of course to make her point that she out earns Kenya, Phaedra wants in on that action and says “Certified funds, please!”

2.  Divorce Court?

We spend some more time we will never get back focusing on Cynthia and her husband’s abhorrent communication skills.  Cynthia says everything that bugs her about Peter today were the reasons she fell in love with him.  Kiss.  Of.  Death.  She makes an odd comment about how she couldn’t really be mad a Peter if he strayed during her fibroid issues.  Wha?  Poor Cynthia, did the Skewl for Wayward Models completely deplete her self-worth?

Speaking of rickety marriages, Phaedra has her own crosses to bear.  This season, she dealt with baby brain, mortuary school, lawyering, and Apollo “check my charges” doing home renovations as part of his work release program.  They bring the lout out, and Apollo is dressed like he fell ass backward into the bargain bin at TJ Maxx.  He claims that rumors of separation are not true and they are in counseling.  Phaedra says it’s going “umm…good”, but she pauses just long enough to be unconvincing.  While Apollo slings his Neanderthal arm around her, practically pulling off her fake hair bun, she makes sure she has her divorce attorney on speed dial.  Phaedra isn’t comfortable putting her marriage out there as “TV fodder”, but Apollo has no qualms announcing that he “got the ol’ Phaedra back three nights ago.”  He continues muttering while Phaedra tries to answer questions and she finally has to shush him.  OHAC asks about his charges and Apollo turns the focus on Kenya and claims “I built you”, meaning he installed that horrific butt implant was her story line.

Apollo-Phaedra

They start re-hashing text-gate, AGAIN, and Phaedra calls Kenya a “sneaky, trifling, slut.”  Apollo claims Kenya is still texting him, and then what happens is something so amazingly, head-spinningly good…Phaedra, in a masterstroke of unwavering southern belle bitchery, delivers the MUTHA OF ALL READS…

“She has nothing else going on, she spends her weekends peddling through sperm banks, looking through catalogs trying to find a donor, honey you don’t know if your baby daddy is an ax murderer or child molester because what you will know is that he needed $10 to get him a medium sized pizza so he ejaculated into a cup so you can have a kid, now check that.”

DAYYYYUM!  DUCK AND COVER…VERBAL BOMB OF OBLITERATION HAS DETONATAED!  HANG ON TO YOUR WEAVES!

phaedra-sperm-bank-quote

Photo credit:  straightfromthea.com

Apollo giggles like a ten year old “you need to get your toe nails done, ‘cuz they’re dirty!”  Yea, no…not quite the insult needed to punctuate his wife’s supremely orchestrated read.

3.  Bring on the Hubbies

Todd, Papa Smurf, and Gregg have joined the stage and we start by dissecting Peter.  You can call him Uncle Ben or Papa Smurf, but please don’t call him a bitch.  Cynthia defends her hubby for having an opinion, and Peter takes a bite of an unripe peach that really challenges his dentures.  It’s clear he is lobbying for position as housewife.  Gregg pipes in and defends Nene, “she never called Peter a bitch she said he was acting like a bitch.”   Acting, is the operative word that makes Nene’s crappy behavior okay.

PeterPeach

Todd the opportunist gets the opportunity to addresses the opportunist statements and he feels the people talking smack were trying to get on the show.  Therefore, they were the opportunists!  He found the Mama Joyce drama very disturbing since she is after all, his mother in law.  Something tells me the Mama Joyce drama ain’t over.

4.  Pillow Brawl

We revisit pillow brawl, which is more petty re-hashing and Nene and Kenya going at it like rabid goats.  Kenya calls Nene “dust”, while Nene relies on her ol’ standby “Miss Ratchet U.S.A.”  On the other side of the couch, Apollo claims he spoke to Brandon at length and apologized for beating him mercilessly as if they were in a prison yard fighting over a pair of fresh undies.  Apollo claims that he shouldn’t have acted that way because he is a “role model” and many children look up to him.  Okay, let’s take this apart at the seams, shall we?  He shouldn’t be acting like that because it’s not okay to jump into a fight that has nothing to do with you and beat someone on a beanbag chair while you are on camera.  Secondary to this ridiculous statement, who are these poor children with no better role model than Apollo “check my charges” Nida?  He is so stupid, I can’t stand it.

OHAC addresses Nene calling Brandon “Queen” and she apologizes for offending anyone in the gay community and she asks OHAC “do I need to pull down your pants and kiss your ass?”  She has either genuinely become a full-blown asshole or she is having a really shitty day.

We are treated to some behind the scenes footage between Phaedra and Apollo after he beat on Brandon.  The truth comes out that Phaedra and Kandi thought the pajama party was odd and didn’t feel comfortable.  Nene was prancing around “the star isn’t here yet”, sarcastically referring to Keyna.  Nene has no equivocations on who is the star of this show, and she is snapping necks and cashing checks to prove it.  This sends Kenya and Nene into yet another dueling match about who owns what and then Gregg is behind Nene pantomiming driving a car.  Because I guess they own their car and don’t have to finance things.  Ugh.  Nene whips out her latest term and calls Kenya “Miss funk box”, which I am guessing is a slam on her aging vagina.  Kenya makes a gesture, calls Nene “Dust” which I am guessing is a slam on her relevance, her age, or the powder in her horrifying wig.

FunkBox

At this time, OHAC wraps it up (thank GOD) and reminds us to tune in to Bravo for Kandi’s wedding special.  Thanks for reading and following me on this magical, uh-may-zing journey.  I’m taking a long break until the bat-shit Jersey girls return!

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