It’s Like Butta’

The final six will sing it up tonight and why in the love of all that is good and descent is Jacob dressed like a dweeb?  It looks like Pee Wee Herman threw up on him!

Randy is wearing his varsity sweater, Stevie is wrapped in tin foil, and JHO is sporting some bedazzled animal hide.  Peaches carefully navigates his way down the Hasbro slippery steps and announces that we will be treated to the songs of Carole King.  JHO is clapping, Dawg is comatose, and Steven looks like he is studying for his GED.  Our mentor this week is Kenny “Baby Face” Edmunds (hereafter referred to as “BF”).  Thank goodness they kicked that Will I am a Douche to the curb.  He was workin’ my last nerve.

Jacob’s solo is first up with “Oh No, Not My Outfit Baby”.  He seems a bit all over the place in his rehearsal, hopefully he can shore it up.  Somewhere between the yellow shirt, blue sweater vest, and plaid jacket and bow tie, I am having a hard time taking him seriously.  Someone please throw a bottle of mood stabilizers at this outfit!  He sounds pretty okay, screamin’ his howler monkey arse off and bouncing around the stage.  Stevie loves it and once again he has that bird in his hair.  Somewhere in Pittsburgh, there’s an ’84 Camaro with nothing hanging from the rear view mirror.  DAWG liked the skatting.  Peaches adjusts Jacobs tie and calls him “infectious”.  Yea…he’s got a bad case o’ the Lusky Stankarrhea.

Little Lauren is next with “Where you Lead”.  She is once again having a confidence malfunction.  This little caged bird is afraid to fly, maybe Stevie can lend her his bridie wings from his hair.  Jimmy Iovine brings out Miley Cirus to offer Lauren some encouragement.  Lauren looks adorable, but her earrings are the size of salad plates, they gotta go.  Lauren brings an unsuspecting audience member on stage and directs him to “sit”.  She must know this dude or somethin’…we’ll get to the bottom of this!  JHO is proud of Lauren and could feel her pushing.  DAWG said she had “extra swagger”, the song was safe and boring, but she came out “with a vengeance” and he tells her to “continue to go hard for it”.  WOO HOO!  Little Lauren is reduced to tears and Peaches is about to find out who the random stranger boy is.  He tells the boy there are “rules”.  Lauren is too young for a 19 year old. (and a 63 year old, yes Steven that means you!)

Casey and Haley are up next with a duet, “I Feel the Earth Move Under My Feet”.  These two are obviously bumpin’ uglies as the rumors indicate.  I am really not wild about either of these two, I just don’t think they have what it takes to win it.  The duet reminded me of a cheezie Sonny and Cher routine I used to watch when I was a kid.  Finally, at least wardrobe put Haley in a descent dress rather than dressing her like a piece of fruit, June Cleaver, or a hooker that’s on call for the third shift.  Steven calls Casey out by saying “Hey weird beard, how much in love with Haley are you?”

Scotty the Body is next.  Thanks for the new nickname, Peaches!  Scotty will sing “You’ve Got a Friend”.  Scotty needs to be subtle and light, let’s see if he can stretch outside of his comfort zone.  He sounds a bit Holiday Inn Express Loungey to me.  Sometimes I wish he could take the bit of twang out of his voice, he sounds good with twang, but I like his voice without twang and he needs to change it up.  DAWG said the beginning was “flawless” and “it was buttery”.  DAWG, please eat before the show so we aren’t comparing the performances to food items!  Steven said it was great and JHO gives a half-hearted critique.  Peaches tells Scotty to “give the look” and we are treated to some Scotty side-eye.

Sidebar:  I spy with my little eye Penny Marshall (Laverne) over DAWG’s left shoulder.

James is going to sing “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow”.  BF said he was “blown away”.  Sounds like James is off to a good start…JHO is rockin’ out.  He sounds great, he’s still my fave!  DAWG is giving the definitive bobble head nod.  I think he killed it…let’s confer with our judges…okay well Steven has some fond memories of making out with a girl to the song in a bowling alley and he didn’t “strike out”.  TMI Stevie…TMI.  JHO called it “magical”.  DAWG said “turned the other cheek” for the second time tonight.  Need a new catch phrase DAWG…need a new catch phrase.  DAWG thinks James may win and they embrace at Peaches’ prompting.  James rocked it!

Lauren and Scotty bind up for their duet singing “Up on the Roof”.  Peaches asks them if there’s a love connection, but Scotty says it’s like brother and sister.  Better be, she is only 16!!!  They sound pretty good, but Lauren almost sounds like she is shouting.  JHO says Lauren “sings her brains off”…and she gives a half-hearted shout out to Scotty “oh and you did a good job too, Scotty”.

Weirdy Beardy Sideburns-N-Barley is back with his solo “Heide Ho”.  Who is the little girl in Steven’s lap???  We’ll get to the bottom of this!!!  Casey is equipped with a full band, including the sax player that Steven fantasizes about at night.  The one backup singer in the glasses looks like some office manager they pulled from the back.  DAWG liked it, called it the “Casey Show in Review”.  Steven says it “made his scalp itch it was so good”.  No Stevie, that’s the bird living in your hair and the dried up Spaghetti O’s in your extensions.

Haley brings on her solo with “Beautiful”.  The slower parts of the song are not really doin’ her any favors.  There is still something so strange about her, I still contend that she looks formed out of play-doh.  The judges love it, DAWG gives her a swat on the beginning.

Jacob and James are duetting next with “I’m in to Something Good”.  They look like school boys in their white Jeggings.  James pulls out JHO’s chair unexpectedly and she quickly crosses her legs so we don’t get a shot of her cookah.  Close call JHO, close call.  Peaches makes a crack about voting for Jennifer’s legs and Lusky Stank is laughing so hard, I think he peed.

On to the results…

Okay, so I was on my way home from a work meeting tonight and the DJ on the Mixx blurted out who got da’ boot, so I know the result before I am watching.  I will do my best to feign my surprise.

Judges enter, and they all look like a hot crazy mess.  JHO actually looks pretty good, but the boys look like they lost a bet.  Peaches looks the same, as always.  I am beginning to think he sleeps in a cryogenic tank.

Peaches says that many fans will be disappointed in the results.  I have a feeling this will only end in tears for the judges and contestants.

Steven the sorcerer is in People magazine this week, haven’t had a chance to read it yet, but he is allegedly gone from a “bad boy” to being “America’s Sweetheart”.  He tells Peaches “when I’m bad I’m even better”.  Audience laughs, ha ha ha…that is actually a lyric from an Aerosmith song called “Fallin’ in Love is so Hard on the Knees”.

The contestants travel to the British Consulate shin-dig to eat fish-n-chips and hob nob with the Brits.  We then move on to the group number, which is a medley of Carole King songs.  The cheeze factor is off da’ charts here.  Haley looks like she is wearing a swim suit with a tank top over it and then a goofy long yellow skirt.  Little Lauren is dressed in a polka-dotted hot ruffley ass mess.  I am noticing that Scotty could take a lesson from the Dancing with the Stars Judges, he needs to keep his shoulders down…Posture!  His shoulders kept creepin’ up and he looks like he has no neck.

The shameless Ford plug is next…let’s get on with it!  Crystal Bowersox returns to perform and it’s good to see Mama Sox again, she sounds good and the contestants are happy to meet her.  Our mirthless Steven can’t even muster up some half-assed applause, he couldn’t look more disinterested if he tried.  Maybe he’s just mad because the Fox intern made him take his sorcerer hat off, destroying his whole look.  All he needs now is an eye patch to go with the pirate shirt and the bird in his hair.

Jeez Casey, stop biting your nails, you are on live TV!  Peaches takes a moment to ask some viewer questions.  Well whadda ya’ know, Scotty knows the grocery code for granny smith apples and he helped his mom at her tanning salon.  He does have range!

Okay, now we are getting’ down to da’ bidness…lights dim, Haley is called up first.  We review her perf and Jimmy Iovine says she does not know who she is.  Peaches is telling Haley “watch your mouth”.  She must have been swearing.  She is not pleased with Jimmy’s comments.  Peaches tells her she is safe.

Scotty is summoned to center stage.  Jimmy is worried that Scotty may be too subtle.  Peaches tells him to “hang tight”.

Lauren is called up next and Jimmy thinks she is in it for the long run.  She too is told to “hang tight”.

Casey is brought up next, Jimmy comments about the growl, reminding us that the “family dog does not vote in this show”.  Peaches gives him the “hang tight” treatment as well.  The Fox intern must have taken the stools of death out for reupholstering this week.

My boy James is on stage and Jimmy said he is more believable when he sings more of a melody.  I agree, last night was a really great performance.  Peaches sends James to safety.

Lusky Stank is up for review next, Jimmy said that he went into the wrong dressing room.  Ha ha, Jimmy said “he’s on banana peel status”.  Love it!  Casey, Lauren, and Scotty are brought back up.  Lauren is safe, and we get a shot of her mom in the audience who is workin’ a bump-it.

Bruno Mars is performing, again, thank goodness for DVR and the FF button.  Lights dim, Stank and Scotty are safe and we bid adieu to Casey and his Brazilian blowout.

He gets a standing O from the judges and they all get kisses.  Then he goes around the audience giving out kisses to all the girls.  Some dude goes to give him a “high five” and Casey leaves him hangin’.  Now that’s just bad manners.  He wraps it up by rolling back on to the stage and then he ends his song singing to his love, Haley, but that’s a whole different kettle o’ fish.

See y’all next week, it’s only going to get tougher from here on out!

The Lucky 7

Our hosts emerge from the back room.  JHO is wearing some kind of skort outfit made out of a hefty bag.  Peaches floats down the Hasbro’s Slippery Steps and announces our top seven.  The theme is 21st century.  The reject-o girls come out to sing “So What” by Pink.  I really could have done without this whole number.  Then Paul comes out in his Meatloaf suit to sing and he sounds really hoarse.

Sidebar:  I saw Paul on Regis and Kelly the other day and he sang a really awesome acoustic version of “Tracks of My Tears”.

Naima is jumping all over like a whacked out crack ho.  Oh and there it is, the shot of Mark Ballas in the audience who is “allegedly” dating Pia Toscano.  Apparently Pia is going to sing on “Dancing with the Stars” while Mark dances.  People really need to get a hobby, as if Pia would date that biznotch.

Scotty starts out with “Swingin’”.  He comes out giving us an extra dose of “Scotty Side-Eye”.  He also keeps making these weird Chucky eyes.  He does okay, but doesn’t blow my wig off.  DAWG calls him boring and safe.  Agreed…Next…

James is next with “Uprising”.  He is so Adam Lambert it’s not even funny.  He rocks the house in his vicious ensemble and everyone goes ape sh!t.  JHO and DAWG call him the best perf of the night and he’s only number two.  Steven tells him to say out of his closet!  I still like James the best.

Peaches comes in with the littl drummer boys to introduce Haley.  She is going to sing “Rolling in the Deep”.  I am not sure what it is with her, but she looks like she is made of Play-Doh.  What in the 50’s housewife hell is she wearing???  So we have to get back stage and give wardrobe a beat down.  It’s also unusual for Haley not to move and she stands in once place.  I bet she gets knocked for that…She runs back up to the stage to toe the mark and DAWG said it was great.  Steven of course gives a rave review because he is incapable of saying anything negative.  JHO eeks out a half-assed encouraging review.  Haley seems a bit crestfallen this evening.  Maybe those rumors about her and Casey are true and they have had a lovers quarrel!  Yes folks, word on the street is that it’s hormones ahoy for Casey and Haley.

Jacob is going to give us some Luther.  He is singing “Dance with My Father”, which will be very emotional for him.  I sure hope our Lusky “Diva” Stank can pull through.  He does okay, but it’s the same.  DAWG agrees, it just doesn’t make him “jump up and down”.  Please DAWG, stay seated.

Casey is bringing us some Maroon 5, which I kinda wish he wouldn’t, but hey…I don’t make the fries!  Peaches asks Mark “Biznotch” Ballas who his favorite is and he says “Casey”!  Casey picks “Harder to Breathe” and he is not so hot.  The guys on the guitars are rockin’ out and getting into it a bit too much.  Then those background singers, they deliver a periodic “woa woa woa”.  What a gig.  Then Casey skats a bit and says “digga digga digga”.  He ends his perf by invading JHO’s personal space and she turns away from him because she is either very uncomfortable or the kiss from Casey on the cheek is planned.  In the meantime, Haley is backstage watching this, fashioning a shiv out of a guitar pick.  Steven says he’s been trying to do that for four months.  Yea, Dream On Steven, (pun intended).  Steven goes off the deep end and starts swearing, DAWG is clamoring for a time-out.  Peaches comes out in the Abe Lincoln Casey beard, looking like he is fresh from an Amish rake fight and says “the wheels have just fallen off this show”.  Lordy, lordy, I concur!  Silly Peaches, do you not realize what that harsh beard adhesive will do to your money maker?

The judges are having some good wholesome fun now and they have put duct tape over Steven’s mouth, but not for long.

Stefano is next with “Closer” by Neo.  He’s singing a bit intense, it’s a little creepy.  He’s trying to work the hip action, Bruno Tonioli would be so proud.  I like me some Stefano as much as the next gal, but he really belongs in a boy band.  The judges give him a “good job”, translation…bottom 3.

Little Lauren is singing “Born to Fly”, yet again in another very unflattering outfit.  It’s a bit lackluster and Lauren seems to have suffered a confidence set-back.  JHO and DAWG give her a pep-talk.

On to the results…Peaches takes a moment to reflect with the judges.  JHO hopes a girl is not eliminated and Peaches asks Steven if he is going to behave himself.  Yeah Peaches…that’ll happen!

Haley, Lauren, Jacob, and Stefano sing “Soul Sister”.  Why is Haley dressed like a watermelon?  I swear I just do not get some of these outfits.  The number is cheesy along with 6th grade square dancing choreography.

We are treated to yet another commercial break, “So You Think You Can Dance” and “Masterchef” will return.  Remember the good ol’ days when the summer was all re-runs and there was nothing to watch?  Oh well…we return to the show for yet another commercial of sorts, the merciless token Ford plug.

Casey, Scotty, and James sing “Viva la Vida”.  They seem a bit off, like they needed more rehearsal time or something.  OY vey…Peaches announces that Robin Antin choreographed both numbers.  She is the sister of that panty-waist hairdresser Jonathan Antin.  No wonder the dancing was bad.

Casey is safe and Jacob is sent to the stool of death.  After yet another commercial, we are treated to a lackluster performance from former Idol David Cook.  Thank goodness for DVR, Next…David says his mom came along just to meet Steven because he gives her the screaming thigh sweats.  Mom and Stevie hug, and what ensues is a good ol’ fashion’ family grab ass!  What else is new!

Next we have a montage of the idols being allowed some time off to play and have fun.  They get to go to a Dodgers game and meet Tommy Lasorda.  Hmm…no shameless plug for Slim Fast?  Then they go bowling, but Lusky Stank has a better idea.  They go to the spa and all get facials and mani/pedi’s.

Lauren, James, and Stefano face their results.  Poor James must be nervous, his face is twitchin’ like crazy.  Stefano is sent to the stool of death.  Scotty and Haley are summoned and Haley is sent to the stool of death, but WAIT…Peaches calls her back over and she tip-toes in her yellow peep-toes back to safety.

Katy Perry comes out lookin’ like a gimcrack alien, lip synching her arse off.  Way to go Katy.  Don’t you have skid marks to try and remove from your husband’s underwear?

We are ready for the final results, my bet is that Stefano is getting’ his walkin’ papers.  Sho’ ‘nuff right…it was only a matter of time for him.  James looks crushed, they must have been wrestling playmates.  Well, while the Fox intern washes out Stefano’s wrestling singlet, let’s take a walk down memory lane…He closes out the show with his final song and brings JHO to tears.  If lovin’ Stefano is wrong, we don’t wanna be right!  Until next week…

Holy Shiznizzle We’re Goin’ to the Movies!

Ok what in the hot ass mess in the world is that fabric attached to the bottom of JHO’s dress?  Peaches congrats JHO on being named the world’s most beautiful woman.  She is very stunning, so I would have to agree.  I think Steven has a crush on her.

Paul looks like a deranged Las Vegas pimp in his suit.  Why is Will I am not back again?  They need to get rid of him because he just keeps giving bizarre advice.  Paul is jammin’ out and running around like a crack head, but he does a pretty good job.  He is lively, you gotta give him that.  That girl on the saxophone was making out with her instrument.  It made me feel kinda funny…of course Steven is all over the sax player and he wants Paul’s suit.  JHO gives Paul props and DAWG loves him.  OMG, I just noticed Paul’s pants were really tight, moose knuckle in da’ house!

Little Lauren is doing a Miley Cirus song “The Climb”.  I actually don’t like that song too much, but Jimmy Iovine tells her that she is a way better singer then Miley, which she is.  She does a great job, but again, is the wardrobe department tripping on acid?  They keep trying to cover her hips and it makes her look bigger and they put her in a hooker corset on top.  She kills it and she looks thrilled, the crowd goes nuts.  She blew the roof off the dump.  Why is DAWG dressed like a nutty professor?  Steven really needs to lose the angry bird in his hair.  Lauren’s mom is rockin’ a full-blown Jersey Shore style Snooki poof.

Sweet Stefano is up with “End of the Road”.  Jimmy Iovine gives him a pep talk and Will I am a Douche is swearing.  Does he not know this is a family show, it’s supposed to be good wholesome entertainment?  Only Steven is allowed to swear on live TV!  Stefano does a great job, but he still needs to work on keeping his eyes open.  JHO is bouncing in her chair, DAWG says he slayed it.  Steven says he “knows how to milk a song” and JHO says it was “the sh!t”.  What is with all the swearing?

Scotty is next with “Across My Heart” and I actually really enjoyed it.  I like when he sounds a bit different.  He will definitely have a career in country music.  Judges love it and DAWG says a “star is born on this stage”.

Casey was up next talking about his gnocchi and meatballs.  He started with a Nat King Cole song and then changed his mind to sing “In the Air Tonight” and then went back to “Nature Boy”.  That Jimmy Iovine is a real ball buster and he is concerned about the performance.  Casey is still making perverted faces and I am not sure about this one.  Crowd goes crazy and judges love it.  DAWG called it “brilliant”.  Steven goes on one of his rants from Mars.  Peaches and Casey have their bromance moment and Casey is ready to cry.

Hailey goes with “Call Me”.  Who is the random third guy that hangs around the mentors and never says anything?  Must be Jimmy’s lackey.  Hailey’s dress is a bit too short, she is one move away from having a wardrobe malfunction and showing her cooka.  DAWG gave her the “Karaoke Kiss of Death”.  Steven of course says something about the dress and comments about looking up her dress.  Right now Chris Harrison is stroking out in front of his TV.

Sidebar:  There is something wrong about Rob Reiner sitting next to Elvira, Mistress of the dark.  That is just something you can’t un-see.

Lusky Stank is next up with “Bridge Over Troubled Water”.  Will I am a Crazy Person goes on about corn, corn, corn, and corny.  It’s typical Jacob, but I found it to be a bit lackluster.  Steven says “Holy Sh!t” and fist pounds the table.  JHO had the chills and DAWG likes the “marinate”.  He is thinking about his steak again.

James is up with “Heavy Metal”.  James gets a little sassy with Jimmy and Will I am a freak.  Being the little rebel he is, he goes with the metal song.  JHO is groovin’ and DAWG is giving the bobble head of approval.  James gets up on the judges table and does some sucking up.  DAWG is hollerin’ with his hand in the air and they love it.  Steven comments on the lip he gave Jimmy and props for sticking to his guns.

Peaches franticly signs off…on to the results.

JHO is wearing a dress that is making her junk in the trunk show and she turns her back to the camera.  Bad move, J, bad move.

We start with a duet by Lauren and Scotty.  What kind of hillbilly hell is Lauren wearing?  Then we are treated to the gratuitous Ford plug and they are dressed up as zombies.

Haley and Casey do a jazzy duet.  The wardrobe department needs to watch Project Runway and learn about fashion.  The seams on Haley’s dress make her look hippy and she isn’t.  They get a standing O from the judges.

Scotty, Lauren and Casey are safe and Haley is sent to the stool of death.

Rob Reiner makes an appearance and cuts up and thanks them for listening to an “old fat Jew”.  His words people, not mine!

Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean perform and there’s some guy shaking some small metal instrument and he’s reeeeeeaaallly into it.  Kelly says that Casey is cute and Casey rubs his mobs (man boobs).  Peaches says he has to “get right to it” and Kelly says “Just like a man”.  Good one, Kelly, good one!

Jacob, Paul, Stefano, and James sing “Sound of Silence”.  They actually sound pretty good together.  If this gig doesn’t work out, they could be the next boy band.  I would have rather heard “Mrs. Robinson” and whadda ya’ know, they deliver.  Lusky Stank is doing little kicks now!  I don’t know what is up with Steven and who he keeps talking to off to the side.  I swear he doesn’t know he is on live TV, but he is on his own planet.

James is safe and he looks like he’s about to faint.  Stefano is sent to the stool of death.  Poor kid can’t catch a break.  Jacob is safe and then Paul is sent to the danger zone stool of death.

Sidebar:  Peaches introduces Anita Baker and Chacka Kahn and then goes in for kisses.  He’s such a man whore.

Rhianna sings next and there’s acrobats rolling around the floor in smoke.  I actually liked the song, I had never heard it before.  She gets a standing O from the judges.

Peaches dims the lights and Hailey and Stefano are safe.  Paul bites the dust.  Steven looks shocked and dismayed and they give him a standing O.  We watch his journey and Paul takes a request from JHO for “Maggie May”.  Now I’m about to cry, that song was really sweet.  You could have poured that performance on a waffle.  Well, I will go dry my tears and I’ll be back next week.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

It’s Rock-N-Roll week and Steven gets to be in the spotlight by showing us a few things from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  They had this really creepy looking bust of Steven and he gave it a kiss…whatevs freak!

The top nine are ready to roll and we start with Lusky Stank with “Let’s Get it On”.  Oh wait, he changes his mind and he will sing “Man in the Mirror” instead.  Judges love it and Steven looks like he finally washed his hair.  DAWG is proud of Stank and he finally found his “Jacob moment”.

Haley is going to sing “Piece of My Heart”, so we will find out if she really sounds like Janice Joplin.  What in the dollar store Halloween witch costume is she wearing?  Ugh, wardrobe department, have I taught you nothing?!?!?!  I am not a fan of Haley and her pleather pants.  She sounds way to gravely in the voice and she just seems a bit rinky-dink to me.  She is too small for this competition.  Judges like it, but I just don’t picture her winning.

Casey is next, he starts with “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic” and then changes his tune to “Have You Ever Seen the Rain”.  He sounds okay, but he makes faces when he sings.  We have a special appearance from one of the Keebler Elves playing a teeny tiny guitar at Casey’s feet.  How cute!  DAWG calls him “revolutionary” and Steven suggests he puts wheels on his bass and ride it around town.  Peaches asks Casey if he is under more pressure because of the save, and yes, Casey is trying to make the judges proud.

Little Lauren is going to sing “Natural Woman”.  Big song for a little girl…we shall see how it goes.  Will I Am says she is “Countroul”, Country meets Soul.

Sidebar:  I think I read or heard somewhere that Will I Am is a real douche nozzle…but I digress.

Back to our Little Lauren, wardrobe department deserves a spanking.  They have her in a janky checkered shorts jumpsuit over jeggings.  It’s doing nothing for her.  Hair and makeup can get in line for a smack too, they have her hair in some kind of faux hawk and spray painted black in patches.  What in the f*ckery are they thinking.  Judges rave and we get a shot of Christian Slater in the audience and then a shot of Lauren’s mom, dressed like Brit Brit with her sparkly head band.

Oh crap, Peaches reminds me that the contestants were styled by Gwen Stefani.  When did Gwen go blind?

James is up next with “While My Guitar Gently Weeps”.  James needs to tape his ears back or something, they are sticking way out again.  He does okay, but I think the judges will be disappointed.  James hits the token “Adam Lambert” high note and the audience goes wild.  Oy, now James is weeping.  JHO loved it, DAWG likes the emotion of the perf, and Stevie agrees.  Stevens hair is a little too girly for me today.

Scotty is next doing some Elvis… “That’s All Right Mama”.  Will I Am says that combining Country and Rock is called Country Rock.  Well thank God for Captain Obvious’ keen observations and input!  Scotty glides out on the Hasbro’s Slippery Steps and quickly starts workin’ the stage and the crowd.  I actually like this perf because Scotty finally sounds a bit different than he normally does and shows us some versatility.  The judges appear to be enjoying it, they are all smiles and they are bouncing in their cushy judge chairs.  A gaggle of girls run up and hug Scotty, Peaches is perplexed.  DAWG says Scotty is in it to win it and mentions the “new Scotty”.  Just like I said, he finally showed he is not a one trick pony.  JHO says she “feels a little bit of flava’” in his performance.  Peaches makes a joke about the girls from the audience as if they are crazy about him.  Ha-ha Peaches, keep dreamin’.

Peaches returns with Christian Slater, ready to plug his new show on FOX.  Christian’s daughter is there and she is rooting for our next contestant, Pia.

Pia is going to sing a Tina song “River Deep Mountain High”.  Jimmy Iovine says Pia is going to have to get “pissed off” in order to pull this off.

Sidebar:  What is up with Will I Am and his inability to make eye contact with the contestants?  He keeps looking off to the side.  I hate that.  It’s shady, shifty, it ain’t right.

What’s up with the hot ass pantaloon jumpsuit mess Pia is wearing?  What is up with the jump suits period?  Why do they call them jump suits?  They don’t make you jump.  I guess there are just some things we will never understand, like why does Donald Duck wrap a towel around his waist when he gets out of the shower, but yet he never wears pants???

JHO is bouncing in her seat and DAWG is giving the whiplash bobble nod of approval.  Overall, Pia does a good job and Steven says she “killed it”.  JHO says she should study and research the greats.  DAWG wants her to work on “the movement” and he says she’s in it to win it.  Peaches says she appeared “seamless” and Pia gets two thumbs up from mini-Slater.

Sidebar:  Todd Rundgren is in the audience tonight, who as we noted was thought to be Liv Tyler’s father for most of her life.  Hmm…I guess he and Steven are cool, but it seems a bit awkward…

Stefano is going to channel his romantic side with “When A Man Loves A Woman”.  Will I Am Not is giving him some bizarre advice, let’s see how this disaster pans out… Stefano does pretty well and JHO loves it.  DAWG says the first part was a little “jerky” to him and JHO calls him crazy.  DAWG says he wasn’t “jumping up and down” and that Stefano needs to let it “marinate”.  DAWG is thinking about the steak he’s going to have for dinner.  Steven and the angry bird in his hair loved it.

Paul delivers the final perf of the night with “Folsom Prison Blues”.  The mentors tell him to be “crazy” and be “Jerry Lee Lewis” with it.  Heyyyyyyy Laaaaaaaddddyyyy…it’s nice to see Paul do something up-tempo and he does a pretty good job.  He has fun with it and does his little kicks.  He’s got JHO groovin’ in her chair.  DAWG gives Paul three words “I loved it!”  Steven said he “rocked the house” and JHO said he was “right in his lane”.  Peaches is ready for a hoe-down and starts jumping around like a spider monkey.

The contestants start going crazy, dancing all over the stage and Lusky Stank gives Peaches some Jersey Turnpike action.  Overall, not a bad show, but it didn’t blow my wig off.  On to the results…

Peaches warns that it could be “a very shocking results night”.  We sit through the boring group number and now the gratuitous Ford Focus plug.  Enough already…who is going to bite the dust?

Lord help us, it’s Russel Brand with a shameless plug.  His advice is about as useless as teets on a boar hog.

Casey, Stefano, and Little Lauren.  Our Little Lauren and Casey are safe.  Stefano heads to the stool of death.

Speaking of death, we now have to listen to Constantine Maroulis singing “Unchained Melody”.  I personally would rather have a gasoline enema than listen to this hot mess.

Paul, Scotty, and Pia… Scotty and Paul are safe, and Pia is in jeopardy.

James, Haley, and Jacob…and stool of death goes to Lusky Stank.  Judges are stunned…oh what will happen next???

Oy vey…we are treated to a “Wild One” by Iggy Pop.  Well can his stringy hair and anorexic body make me sicker?  I think not.  I think this is what you get when you mix meth, coke, and heroin together.  Judges give him a sympathetic standing O, JHO looks reluctant.  Iggy looks like the extra charred, wing and breast reject piece from Popeye’s.

Jacob “Lusky Stank” and Scotty are safe, and Poor Pia leaves us.  The judges are devastated, DAWG is outraged and they give Pia hugs.  A bit sad because I really like Pia, but I think she will be around.  On to this week…