The final six will sing it up tonight and why in the love of all that is good and descent is Jacob dressed like a dweeb? It looks like Pee Wee Herman threw up on him!
Randy is wearing his varsity sweater, Stevie is wrapped in tin foil, and JHO is sporting some bedazzled animal hide. Peaches carefully navigates his way down the Hasbro slippery steps and announces that we will be treated to the songs of Carole King. JHO is clapping, Dawg is comatose, and Steven looks like he is studying for his GED. Our mentor this week is Kenny “Baby Face” Edmunds (hereafter referred to as “BF”). Thank goodness they kicked that Will I am a Douche to the curb. He was workin’ my last nerve.
Jacob’s solo is first up with “Oh No, Not My Outfit Baby”. He seems a bit all over the place in his rehearsal, hopefully he can shore it up. Somewhere between the yellow shirt, blue sweater vest, and plaid jacket and bow tie, I am having a hard time taking him seriously. Someone please throw a bottle of mood stabilizers at this outfit! He sounds pretty okay, screamin’ his howler monkey arse off and bouncing around the stage. Stevie loves it and once again he has that bird in his hair. Somewhere in Pittsburgh, there’s an ’84 Camaro with nothing hanging from the rear view mirror. DAWG liked the skatting. Peaches adjusts Jacobs tie and calls him “infectious”. Yea…he’s got a bad case o’ the Lusky Stankarrhea.
Little Lauren is next with “Where you Lead”. She is once again having a confidence malfunction. This little caged bird is afraid to fly, maybe Stevie can lend her his bridie wings from his hair. Jimmy Iovine brings out Miley Cirus to offer Lauren some encouragement. Lauren looks adorable, but her earrings are the size of salad plates, they gotta go. Lauren brings an unsuspecting audience member on stage and directs him to “sit”. She must know this dude or somethin’…we’ll get to the bottom of this! JHO is proud of Lauren and could feel her pushing. DAWG said she had “extra swagger”, the song was safe and boring, but she came out “with a vengeance” and he tells her to “continue to go hard for it”. WOO HOO! Little Lauren is reduced to tears and Peaches is about to find out who the random stranger boy is. He tells the boy there are “rules”. Lauren is too young for a 19 year old. (and a 63 year old, yes Steven that means you!)
Casey and Haley are up next with a duet, “I Feel the Earth Move Under My Feet”. These two are obviously bumpin’ uglies as the rumors indicate. I am really not wild about either of these two, I just don’t think they have what it takes to win it. The duet reminded me of a cheezie Sonny and Cher routine I used to watch when I was a kid. Finally, at least wardrobe put Haley in a descent dress rather than dressing her like a piece of fruit, June Cleaver, or a hooker that’s on call for the third shift. Steven calls Casey out by saying “Hey weird beard, how much in love with Haley are you?”
Scotty the Body is next. Thanks for the new nickname, Peaches! Scotty will sing “You’ve Got a Friend”. Scotty needs to be subtle and light, let’s see if he can stretch outside of his comfort zone. He sounds a bit Holiday Inn Express Loungey to me. Sometimes I wish he could take the bit of twang out of his voice, he sounds good with twang, but I like his voice without twang and he needs to change it up. DAWG said the beginning was “flawless” and “it was buttery”. DAWG, please eat before the show so we aren’t comparing the performances to food items! Steven said it was great and JHO gives a half-hearted critique. Peaches tells Scotty to “give the look” and we are treated to some Scotty side-eye.
Sidebar: I spy with my little eye Penny Marshall (Laverne) over DAWG’s left shoulder.
James is going to sing “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow”. BF said he was “blown away”. Sounds like James is off to a good start…JHO is rockin’ out. He sounds great, he’s still my fave! DAWG is giving the definitive bobble head nod. I think he killed it…let’s confer with our judges…okay well Steven has some fond memories of making out with a girl to the song in a bowling alley and he didn’t “strike out”. TMI Stevie…TMI. JHO called it “magical”. DAWG said “turned the other cheek” for the second time tonight. Need a new catch phrase DAWG…need a new catch phrase. DAWG thinks James may win and they embrace at Peaches’ prompting. James rocked it!
Lauren and Scotty bind up for their duet singing “Up on the Roof”. Peaches asks them if there’s a love connection, but Scotty says it’s like brother and sister. Better be, she is only 16!!! They sound pretty good, but Lauren almost sounds like she is shouting. JHO says Lauren “sings her brains off”…and she gives a half-hearted shout out to Scotty “oh and you did a good job too, Scotty”.
Weirdy Beardy Sideburns-N-Barley is back with his solo “Heide Ho”. Who is the little girl in Steven’s lap??? We’ll get to the bottom of this!!! Casey is equipped with a full band, including the sax player that Steven fantasizes about at night. The one backup singer in the glasses looks like some office manager they pulled from the back. DAWG liked it, called it the “Casey Show in Review”. Steven says it “made his scalp itch it was so good”. No Stevie, that’s the bird living in your hair and the dried up Spaghetti O’s in your extensions.
Haley brings on her solo with “Beautiful”. The slower parts of the song are not really doin’ her any favors. There is still something so strange about her, I still contend that she looks formed out of play-doh. The judges love it, DAWG gives her a swat on the beginning.
Jacob and James are duetting next with “I’m in to Something Good”. They look like school boys in their white Jeggings. James pulls out JHO’s chair unexpectedly and she quickly crosses her legs so we don’t get a shot of her cookah. Close call JHO, close call. Peaches makes a crack about voting for Jennifer’s legs and Lusky Stank is laughing so hard, I think he peed.
On to the results…
Okay, so I was on my way home from a work meeting tonight and the DJ on the Mixx blurted out who got da’ boot, so I know the result before I am watching. I will do my best to feign my surprise.
Judges enter, and they all look like a hot crazy mess. JHO actually looks pretty good, but the boys look like they lost a bet. Peaches looks the same, as always. I am beginning to think he sleeps in a cryogenic tank.
Peaches says that many fans will be disappointed in the results. I have a feeling this will only end in tears for the judges and contestants.
Steven the sorcerer is in People magazine this week, haven’t had a chance to read it yet, but he is allegedly gone from a “bad boy” to being “America’s Sweetheart”. He tells Peaches “when I’m bad I’m even better”. Audience laughs, ha ha ha…that is actually a lyric from an Aerosmith song called “Fallin’ in Love is so Hard on the Knees”.
The contestants travel to the British Consulate shin-dig to eat fish-n-chips and hob nob with the Brits. We then move on to the group number, which is a medley of Carole King songs. The cheeze factor is off da’ charts here. Haley looks like she is wearing a swim suit with a tank top over it and then a goofy long yellow skirt. Little Lauren is dressed in a polka-dotted hot ruffley ass mess. I am noticing that Scotty could take a lesson from the Dancing with the Stars Judges, he needs to keep his shoulders down…Posture! His shoulders kept creepin’ up and he looks like he has no neck.
The shameless Ford plug is next…let’s get on with it! Crystal Bowersox returns to perform and it’s good to see Mama Sox again, she sounds good and the contestants are happy to meet her. Our mirthless Steven can’t even muster up some half-assed applause, he couldn’t look more disinterested if he tried. Maybe he’s just mad because the Fox intern made him take his sorcerer hat off, destroying his whole look. All he needs now is an eye patch to go with the pirate shirt and the bird in his hair.
Jeez Casey, stop biting your nails, you are on live TV! Peaches takes a moment to ask some viewer questions. Well whadda ya’ know, Scotty knows the grocery code for granny smith apples and he helped his mom at her tanning salon. He does have range!
Okay, now we are getting’ down to da’ bidness…lights dim, Haley is called up first. We review her perf and Jimmy Iovine says she does not know who she is. Peaches is telling Haley “watch your mouth”. She must have been swearing. She is not pleased with Jimmy’s comments. Peaches tells her she is safe.
Scotty is summoned to center stage. Jimmy is worried that Scotty may be too subtle. Peaches tells him to “hang tight”.
Lauren is called up next and Jimmy thinks she is in it for the long run. She too is told to “hang tight”.
Casey is brought up next, Jimmy comments about the growl, reminding us that the “family dog does not vote in this show”. Peaches gives him the “hang tight” treatment as well. The Fox intern must have taken the stools of death out for reupholstering this week.
My boy James is on stage and Jimmy said he is more believable when he sings more of a melody. I agree, last night was a really great performance. Peaches sends James to safety.
Lusky Stank is up for review next, Jimmy said that he went into the wrong dressing room. Ha ha, Jimmy said “he’s on banana peel status”. Love it! Casey, Lauren, and Scotty are brought back up. Lauren is safe, and we get a shot of her mom in the audience who is workin’ a bump-it.
Bruno Mars is performing, again, thank goodness for DVR and the FF button. Lights dim, Stank and Scotty are safe and we bid adieu to Casey and his Brazilian blowout.
He gets a standing O from the judges and they all get kisses. Then he goes around the audience giving out kisses to all the girls. Some dude goes to give him a “high five” and Casey leaves him hangin’. Now that’s just bad manners. He wraps it up by rolling back on to the stage and then he ends his song singing to his love, Haley, but that’s a whole different kettle o’ fish.
See y’all next week, it’s only going to get tougher from here on out!