Soldier Girl

Picking up were left off with the fambly argument, Joe ushers Tre to the car, congratulating her for not snapping off like a wild banshee and flipping every godforsaken table at Rails.  In other “we can’t possibly stay out of everyone else’s bidness” news…Jacs, Dolores, and Siggy conduct a conference call with Rosie and Kathy.  Bottom line:  Kathy and Rosie believe the end result was bittersweet – Tre needs some space right now, but her door is always open.  Jacs as confused as Jessica Simpson in a library…makes no sense…Tre told Jacs that Kathy and Rosie were dead to her.

This lays the ground work for the impending doom of the Vermont trip.  Tre is packing and the girls would rather take their mother on a guilt trip.  They would rather run a mile in gym class, be forced to shower with their classmates, and dry off with a linty washcloth, than spend a weekend with their father.  Across town, Melissa packs all the ingredients for drama, she invited Tre’s feisty friends Robyn and Christina and she has declared Jacs “acting weird” now that Melissa and Tre are BFFL.

Jacs came up empty after perusing the clearance rack at Forever 21, so she pays a visit to Kim D. at Posche for some extra special ingredients to blend into her own drama potion.  Kim invites Jacs to yet another ill-fated fashion show.  I can see the finale now, it’s a motherf*ckin’ walk off between Posche 2.0 and ENVY!  Kim D. is still grasping at tired ol’ straws, now she claims that she heard through one of Melissa’s old employees that Derek, who is managing Envy, has been selling stories about Tre.  When Tre was at a Posche fashion show, where only everything can go wrong, she was peddling bootleg copies of her books for strictly cash and Monopoly currency transactions.  This looked extremely immoral, given her legal issues, so naturally Derek filmed it on iPhone and sold it to the tabloids.  GENIUS!  Oh wait…JACS.  MUST.  WARN.  TRE!  OMG – Kim D. states, “as long as I live”, (which face it, won’t be long for this crypt keeper), she doesn’t believe Tre and Melissa will ever be true friends.  Siggy had joined them to shop and is more interested in the disintegrable, break-away, blue skank dress than in hearing this drama.

The party bus to hell departs from the Goo-boo-chay estate of horrors.  Juicy Joe can’t leave the state, so he is relegated to sulking back into the house and contemplating over a vaginal rejuvenation pamphlet.  Yasssss Juicy Joe, you gotta keep your stuff right and tight for the boys in the klink.

Sidebar:  Later in the episode, we get a snippet of life back at casa Goo-boo-chay, Juicy Joe watches Milania make perfect pancakes.  She threatens to kick him, “really hard, where the sun don’t shine.”  So not appropriate for her to speak to him in that manner, but oh so delightful.  I implore you Bravo, get this kid her own show.

The women on the bus of destruction are all talking loud and cackling, they give a toast and offer Tre their support since she will be a single mother soon.  OKAY… BACK.  UP.  THE.  MOTHERF*CKIN’.  PARTY.  BUS.  We learn from the wayback machine, that Tre and Chris Laurita went on a date in prehistoric times.  Chris admits he did not pursue Tre because “she seems really into this fat, sweaty, hairy, Mucinex slug, Joe guy.”  Dodged a HEWGE bullet there, Laurita.  Count your blessings and dive out of the emergency exit window of said party bus.

vermont-party-bus

Now an installment from “Jacs Laurita, Fambly Argument Translator!”  Jacs just can’t help her stupid self, although I guess that’s why Bravo pays her the mediocre bucks.  Tre summarizes her view of the Kathy/Rosie debacle in three words, “DOOR.  CLOSED.  DONE!”  Enter Robyn the irrational hothead skank, who has an issue with Rosie because she would not return Robyn’s texts after they had a one-nighter at Club Feathers.  We learn another li’l juicy nugget and flash back to Rosie walking away from Robyn when confronted at Tre’s book signing.  Rosie is a straight up G and has no time for Robyn’s shenanigans.

jacs-making-point

Jacs is still confused by the confusion over the conclusion of the Tre/Kathy/Rosie sit-down.  Melissa tries to break it down, Jacs asks her if she’s thick in da’ f*ckin’ head, gives Melissa the finger wave coupled with calling her “honey”.  Oh Mylanta…dems fightin’ words!  Jacs is really doing her civic duty via public service announcement, Tre is now delivering a different message to the group, and Kathy and Rosie are not clear on that point.  Tre summons Joe to back her up, but he cannot tell a lie.  He admits she said the door was open, but only because she was being “nice”.  I wouldn’t call it nice, I would call it trying to save face, make herself look good, and spineless.

Jump forward to later that evening, they have arrived at the resort, put on their bathrobes, and consumed copious amounts of alcohol.  It’s time for s’mores and a showdown at the fire pit.  Jacs clues Melissa in on the Derek gossip, but Melissa defends – Jackie brought Derek into the Envy mix and he’s all good.  Aside from the fact that Kim D. is a lying whoo-ah and we revisit stripper-gate, where the gossip runs rampant and Tre’s hair choices still unfortunate.  Bottom line, Jacs and Tre encourage Melissa to google Derek’s motives.

Robyn decides to forego roasting her marshmallow and opts to roast Jacs, “you confuse the living poo out of me, you aren’t direct, and you’re judgmental.”  Well, that’s not passive aggressive or judgey at all!  Jacs calls Robyn Teresa’s solider and Robyn loses her shit, “YOU CALLING ME A F*CKIN’ SOLDIER MAKES ME WANT TO RAGE ON YOUR F*CKIN’ ASS!”  Jacs yells, “DO IT!  RAGE ON MY F*CKIN ASS!”

rageon-my-ass

With that, Jacs offers Robyn her ass by plopping down on her lap.  Jacs is clearly hammered, but in this case I find her rejoinder quite entertaining.  Robyn wants to drag Tre into the argument, but the gang migrates back into the hotel lobby, Robyn threatens to punch Jacs in the re-done face, Jacs calls Robyn trash, Siggy puts the kibosh on.  Everyone go sleepy, we will take out the trash in the morning.

jacs-lap

The next day, everyone is gobblin’ down hash browns and eggs in preparation to go dogsledding, but Jacs has barricaded the door to her room.  Later the gang goes skiing, watching Joe fall and ski into pine trees is EVERY.  THANG.

joe-ski-fall

Tre and Melissa shuffle down the bunny hill and have a fake conversation about Jacs, decide they still don’t like her, pinky swear, and BFFL!  As if we could ever take Melissa seriously before, we certainly can’t now with this rabid kitty ski mask.  In case you missed this horror show:

melissa-kitty-mask

Siggy receives a text from Jacs announcing that she and Chris had a spectacular day, sexing it up and day drinking.  Umm…EWWW!  They return to the resort and Jacs announces she will depart the next day with her hubby.  Chris says his peace and feels that Robyn is the problematic element.  Siggy is infuriated at their departure, she cannot eat cheese and syrup from Vermont without Jacs!

Dolores has an epiphany whereby she cracks the mathematical equation that drives the entire Bravo network.  Robyn threatens to punch Jacs (drama) + Tre on probation and cannot be in midst of a scuffle (pesky detail) + last three minutes of show = SOMEONE NEEDS TO GO! (CLIFFHANGER….DUN, DUN, DUNNNNNNN!)

Next week, Dolores will task Melissa and Tre with the dismissal of Private Robyn and it looks like Jacs comes unglued.

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Pop Goes the Pimple

Siggy front and center doling out relationship advice to Rosie.  Rosie and Tre’s relationship is like a big pimple, she says, and Rosie must do the poppin’.  Siggy advice about as good as Dr. Phil.

dr-phil-blowhole

Because she can’t shut the hell up and there’s no buffet, Jacs weighs in.  As if we give a shit what comes out of her re-done face.  Rosie feeling positive, will fight to the death.  Siggy vows to do anything in her professional power to assist.  The Bravo mandated lunch of confrontation will happen, Rosie will drink ta dat!

In other boring news, Melissa and Joe visit plastic surgeon for botox to help with migraines.  Melissa thinks this is spending quality time.  Across the river, Asslee and Pete are fake apartment hunting in Hoboken.  Pete walks Asslee down by river, drops to knee and proposes.  Asslee of course says yes, but can’t muster up tears through her own Botox.

Asslee and Pete spring the news on Chris and Jacs.  Chris wishes Pete lotsa luck.  He gives a nice toast with marital advice “love comes first”.  No Chris, living within your means and paying your bills comes first!  My advice, RUN AS IF YOU’RE IN HELL.  AND YOUR SHOES AND ASS ARE ON FIRE!

Melissa and Tre are embarking on a fitness walk in their bubble gum pink Nikes.  Juicy Joe not handling impending incarceration well, his strategy is drink, drink, drink.  Tre’s strategy was denial, denial, denial.  She pretended nothing was happening, right up until the prison guards pried her lip gloss out of her sweaty hand and delivered her a butthole full of delousing powder.

Melissa welcomes Siggy with some free jeans from Envy and a spot of champagne.  Melissa so excited she and Tre on da right path, let’s do a mental health trip to Vermont!  Siggy looks like she would rather shower in women’s prison.  Melissa gently reminds her that Tre did just that.  She must stay local, that pesky parole officer thingy.  Tre arrives, has some champagne, but turns her nose up at the tray of sprinkle cookies.  Tre is hesitant to head to Vermont, the girls, Juicy Joe, and all…but Siggy puts on the hard sell like a game show host, all aboard the party bus to Vermont!

Jacs drops by Dolores’ gym for a visit, has a quarter pounder with cheese in hand like a dumb twat who can’t figure out why she isn’t losing any weight.  Dolores puts Jacs on the swinging ab machine.  They touch on impending wedding plans, Jacs can’t afford a big wedding, she is thinking a bounce house in the back yard and maybe some chicken and waffles.  Dolores already printing up gym membership certificate on her ink jet as wedding gift.

Tre, Jacs, and Siggy meet at Rails…a befitting place to go off said rails.  Siggy starts fambly intervention tawwwlk.  Tre starts singing, then quickly turns on the dagger death stare, “do all respect to both of you, I don’t fucken’ get involved in your fambly life, so don’t get involved in mine.  How do you say ‘capeche’ in Jewish?”  Tre ain’t havin’ it, Jacs needs to keep her 4th nose out of Tre’s bidness.  Flashback of Tre and Kathy fighting, Tre poor hair choices, wow.  Maybe that’s why she’s so mad.  Tre concludes she is not ready, actually apologizes for snapping at Jacs.  MIND.  BLOWN.

Siggy and Jacs visit the Wakile’s.  After Jacs sufficiently stuffs her face, she and Siggy dish on the meeting with Tre at Rails.  Kathy relives the fight and starts spinning out of control.  Melissa and Joe arrive just in time for this to get reeeeeeal ugly.  Melissa keeps putting kibosh on the convo because she’s done venting to the Wakile’s.  She’s in a good spot with Tre, so to hell with them.  Richie pipes up, implies Tre can’t handle the fact that Richie and Kathy have a genuine relationship.  Joe goes off.  Tongue doesn’t have bones, but it can break bones.  From the looks of that kiss Richie gave Kathy, her tongue give him a bone!

richie-kiss

Rosie goes off, Kathy always bearing the brunt of the fambly drama.  Joe can get behind the idea of a sit down, agrees to push Tre.

joe-blow-up

Tre meets Joe at a gym that is not partly owned by Dolores.  Tre starts pumping iron, Joe broaches lunch subject, Tre not interested after meeting with “Ziggy”.  Finally, Tre agrees to go if Joe goes…and if she doesn’t have to eat, talk, or stay.

It’s the day of the sit down at Rails.  Air kiss hello, Tre wearing her resting bitch face and Joe, his resting douche face.

tre-joe-lunch

Tre’s opening volley is basically, leave me the hell alone.  Forever, you rotten cancerous sketch balls.  When Tre attacks Richie, Kathy starts to lose it.  Tre snaps waiter head off…THERE WILL BE NO EATING!  NO I DON’T WANT CALAMARI AND GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT WATER PITCHER OF DEATH!  Here’s how the sit down goes in a nutshell [Kathy/Rosie played below by color red]:

Richie negative!  Put my cookbook in garbage!

I took it out!

DON’T GO THERE!

Here we go!

THERE WILL BE NO EATING!

Haven’t heard from you guys…no card while I was away…not even some ramen noodle packets or a cannoli with a file in it!

We asked to be on the list…

You go internet, google, Danbury!

YOU SHUT ME OUT!

You’re only sniffin’ around because I’m in public eye again!

ME:  WELL THAT WOULD BE SKETCH AS F*CK!

You shut us out

Cut the cancer out!

We’re not cancer

You don’t want to ever be a fambly again?

LOOK AT ME YOU SQUIRRELY BEYOTCH!

ME:  WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT USE THE WORD ‘UNATTENDED’!

I’m not beggin’ you anymore

We are an embarrassment

Wish you the best

TIME MENDS ALL

ME:  I’m pretty confident Joe has that tattooed somewhere on his body

Door is open

We’re still cousins, still blood

You ever need anything…

Check for million dollars

Gotta go!  Luv ya’!

rosie-kathy-lunch

Kathy and Rosie think they have possibility of healing this three-ring shit show, but Tre takes this sit down as closure.  She is obviously hurting, goes into the ugly cry in the car.  There’s not enough leopard print cold shoulder tops and body glitter in all of Joysey to heal this wound.

tre-ugly-cry

Next week, Vermont.  Melissa and Jacs fighting.  Jacs fights with an interloper, Tre’s friend Robyn.

Crumb Cake

Siggy’s daughter clueless, no understanding why grandparents being Holocaust survivors is KINDA.  A.  BIG.  DEAL!  UGH…Kids today!  Enter Josh.  Yelling.  License.  Buy me car.  Get away from my butt and thighs.  Josh better toddle off with is “entitlement” segue and get the hell off my screen.  Later, Siggy has BFFL relationship with ex-husband, Mark.  Siggy fix Mark up with new mail order bride.  Take Josh out for birthday, Josh can’t wait to flee this pop stand to go get “turnt”.  Josh complains to dad about mom rubbing butt and thighs, but he admits he loves mom.  Keeping with “rewarding bad behavior theme”, Siggy and Mark reward Joshie with a shiny new SUV with, OMG, wait for it…BLACK.  RIM.  TIRES!  No idea what that means, but incites shrieking from Josh.  Must admit, car is nicer than any ol’ hooptie I’ve owned in whole entire pathetic life!

Melissa enters door, Joe attacks, do not pass GO, do not say hello to kids, do not collect $200 in single dollar bills.  Joe lost huge bidness deal.  Joe had to be a father instead.  Joe MAD.  Melissa equally as MAD!  Joe so friggin’ ol’ skewl.  Bitch.  Ain’t.  Havin’.  Any.  Of.  It.  You bring in crumbs, I bring in cake!  Oh.  No.  He.  Dinunt!

no-he-didnt

Later Siggy stops by, wanders in back door with soggy piece of mail left on stoop.  Probably a subpoena.  Siggy gives Melissa her best advice, marriage like car, no gas, no move, shpilkes in your genektagazoyk!  Siggy faith in Joe.  He will wear apron, he has worn dress!  Many dresses!  Later Melissa make Sunday Sauce and serve day old crumb cake to fill Joe’s gas tank.  Make Gorga’s all better.

shpilkes

Tre brings girls over to Jacs’.  Girls hang out with Nicholas, Milania showcases sensitive side and is very good with him.  Jacs and Tre kitchen for cawwwfeee tawwwwlk.  Nicholas unattended with Milana.  Wait.  For.  The.  Screams.  Of.  Terror.  Lucy-n-Ethel have moment.  Jacs does jump-n-straddle.  Tre grabs her butt and thighs.

Dolores learns Kathy and Rosie not invited to Tre’s book launch.  Kathy bigger fish to fry.  Daughter Victoria brain tumor acting up.  Kathy over Tre’s bullshit.  Rosie brilliant idea, crash book signing, grab Tre’s butt and thighs, mend fambly.

Lawyer stops at Goo-boo-chay house o’ homemade wine for weekly Juicy Joe gut check.  Juicy Joe spiraling further into oblivion.  To hell with fambly time!  Must.  Drink.  Every.  Last.  Drop.  Homemade.  Vino.  Before.  Liver.  Rejuvenation.  Camp.

Tre and Juicy Joe Thai yoga massage.  Perfect opportunity to have strangers grab butt and thighs.  Tre preps Juicy on story they’ll feed their precious dawwwters about his pending incarceration.  Juicy Joe burn Tre’s flag of delusion!  Tell da’ truth!  Precious dawwwters knew exactly where Tre went!  They know “going to work at prison camp to write book to pay for your college” is bullshit.  “They know everything, they got computers today, babe!”  Tre look like stunned mouse in Dixie cup!  She should.  When Juicy Joe tell you honesty is best policy, giiiirrrrl you know your shit is fucked up!

bitch-please

Night of book signing.  Dolores tell Jacs and Chris about Kathy and Rosie’s “guttural hurt”.  Dolores drops the bomb.  Kathy and Rosie crashing book signing.  It’s about to get ugly up in Barnes & Noble.  Tre situated at B&N, snapping pics, signing books for her 25 fans.  Two Joes cop a guttural squat in reading nook.  Juicy Joe not prepared for da’ big house.  Plan is to get in, get da’ f*ck out.  Head down.  Mind yo’ bidness.  Shower with your back to da’ wall!  Best prison advice, ever.  Or in any arena of life.

In face of Kathy and Rosie, Tre cordial.  Smiling.  Kathy like, “get my texteses?”  Tre is all “oh new phone, changed my area code, confused it with my bedazzled home arrest ankle monitor and threw it away, but whaaaa, no I always answer my texteses, never leave people hangin’!”  Rosie calls bullshit at the book signing, but nevertheless, invites Tre to lunch for Tuscan Trios at the Olive Garden Branch.

rosie-beggin

Jacs and Dolores pretend taking selfies while spying on slapdash shit show.  Tre’s time precious, can’t spare an hour for backbiting fambly cousins!  Rosie begging for crumb of Tre’s time.  Ugh, what won’t she do for Bravo paycheck?!?!?!  Tre would rather eat sprinkle cookies from flipped tables in Melissa’s re-done home with some prostitution whoo-ahh, than have lunch with her cousins.  Tre brushes them off with aplomb, returns to her line of 25 fans, and pretends they were nothing more than unsavory groupies.  Rosie meanders to reading nook, apologizes Juicy Joe, for “y’know, bein’ a douche!”  Juicy Joe don’t know what douche is, wants to go home, homemade vino to drink and da’ time is tickin’!

Next week, Pete proposes Ass-lee.  Tre snaps off Jacs.  Richie and Joe rumble.  Tre cuts ties Kathy and Rosie.

Number Two

Dolores finally let Boo go across rainbow bridge.  Kidney failure.  Dolores and I have case of sads.  Siggy brings flowers and comfort before launching into discussion of her annoying kids.  Dolores admits she almost punch Frankie in face when he was teenager.  Later Siggy lets son drive, something about how she is always touching his legs, thighs, butt?  What?  Someone call DCFS…STAT!  Siggy retorts, “What do you want from me I was born and a bomb shelter?”  I guess her fambly played grab ass to pass the time while hunkered underground.

Later, Siggy clips Delores’ wings so she can fly, learn about bills-n-stuff.  Who better to join the “whaddayamean I gotta open mail and pay bills” counseling sesh?  Tre offers a serious tawwwwlk, “HONEY, LOOK, FOR RILLZ!”  Dolores doesn’t care.  Trusts Frank with her finances.  Frank an attorney when he’s not being Mr. New Jersey.  Makes about as much sense as Paula Abdul after a box o’ wine.

Melissa situation with her bidness partner.  Jackie ordered stuff, actually running bidness.  Melissa bark at intern, get Jackie on Face Time.  Don’t care if she basking in steamy Bahama sun!  GET HER ON FACE TIME!  Jackie take no shit, Melissa only ordering what she wears, newsflash, NOBODY is a size zero.  Melissa unyielding, delusional, micromanaging her way into an anxiety attack.

Later Melissa plays dress up and helps Antonia prep for father/daughter dance.  Antonia wants to be a professional cheerleader.  Melissa coaches her to select a more palatable occupation and Antonia reads the cue card being held up by the Bravo intern.  TEACHER!  Melissa reminisces, ahhhh mommy wanted to be a teacher one day.  Now she’s pumping out babies and owns low-rent Posche 3.0.

melissa-antonia

The Goo-boo-chay household is not all pink puppies and bacon.  Juicy Joe is drunk and “get off my lawn” disorderly.  Like.  All.  The.  Time.  Tre preoccupied with new book, hoping to make the NY Times Best Seller list.  Juicy Joe don’t care, he’s got to get his adult diaper and mid-day drink on.  He squawks about the hot pink dye job on the dog, G to the ia already sassing him, “you have no say you’re leaving in, like, a month!”  Tre and Juicy Joe argue about bills.  Juicy Joe behaving quite badly.  Tre letting it slide, he’s not coping well, it’s the alcohol tawwwwlking.  Juicy bought security camera system, but it’s all Greek to Tre.  Dolores calls to offer support, Tre reminds her about book release pawwwwty.  Juicy passes out on the couch with a full adult diaper.

joe-walk-away

Laurita’s having poker night.  Rosie excited, wants to apologize to Juicy Joe about “mean girl” things said on camera on NYE.  Juicy Joe no show.  Call Juicy Joe.  Juicy Joe tore up from floor up.  Can’t make it to poker night.  Call Tre.  See if we get truth.  Juicy Joe struggling with impending surrender, heavy day drinking, passed out on couch with full adult diaper.

Rosie upset.  Rosie storm out.  Rosie calm down in sub-zero temps outside.  Rosie return to warmth of poker night.

Everyone prepping for Tre’s book launch party – two rules, must be over 21 and Tre cannot be consorting with felons of any kind.  So Fuckface Von Clownstick (a.k.a. – Juicy Joe) invites some felon to attend and bring his 12-year old son.  Grab a handful o’ back hair and hang on for dear life!  Felon denied entry.  Shocking!  Felon blows gasket on public sidewalk, “Nothing stops me, not the mob, not the government, not nothing!”  I’ll tell you who stops him, Security by Bravo, that’s who!  The disproportionate display of emotion would have us think he was denied entry into Slick’s Tavern, but oh no dear reader, it was not.  This man wanted in on that fourth rate book launch party more than a housewife wants free samples at Costco!

felon

Inside, Tre has no clue of happenings on the street.  Good hair, don’t care, and whoa…what’s that?  She made number two on NY Times best seller list, beating out the Pope’s book, which debuted at number four.  Cheers, Ima proud of you, number two!

Coming up this season, Jacs going to be a glam-ma, Kim D. back with vengeance and square tit (oh wait, that was Kim G.), drama between Jacs and Melissa escalates.