Talkin’ it Out

Porsha has volunteered to babysit for Phaedra’s boys so that Counselor Parks can attend to her personal bidness.  Porsha is ready for her “dry-run” at practicing single parenthood, but Mr. President and his sidekick Dylan are giving her a run for her money.  Porsha orders they put on their “Pajammy jams” and get ready for bed, but Mr. President Ayden is a shrewd toddler.  He negotiates some additional playtime, a new toy, an extra story, a bedtime snack, and a 529 College Fund.  Probably the funniest moment is when Porsha thinks she has misplaced Ayden, but he is actually hiding behind a chair changing into is pajammy jams so that he won’t be exposed on camera.  You would think Bravo could muster up a small black modesty box that would cover his whole being.  When Counselor Parks returns from the salon after getting her polish change, Porsha collapses on the couch and runs through the seven stages of single parenting, disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and finally acceptance/hope.  Porsha admits she may need a partner to help raise a family.  It takes a village, or at least a willing ex-boyfriend with a mega-watt smile!

Later, Porsha brings Todd to her mother’s home for a family dinner, Todd is on the menu…hop on da’ grill young man!  Todd is extremely quiet and sporting his best perma-grin, he seriously looks like he just rolled out of Snoop Dogg’s man cave.  Lauren gets the full dirt on Todd – he and Porsha dated a few years in their early twenties, Todd was fresh out of a relationship when he got the text from Porsha, and he has two sons, 16 and 14.  This is like a scene out of the Bachelorette where the family grills the jumpy suitor – but Todd proclaims he would gladly start a family with Porsha because he loves her.  Porsha is floored that Todd was first to drop the L-Bomb and it is usually she who is the aggressor, all the way to the restraining order phase of the relationship.  She is working her new anger management, patience, and act like a normal woman skills – they are paying high dividends!

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We have learned that li’l Ayden didn’t want to be exposed on camera, however another housewife son has no problem baring all.  Kairo is in the makeup chair and stage mom SBS sprays him down with Pam cooking spray – he is ready rock the photo shoot and assemble a portfolio for his impending modeling career.  Bob and his crazy eye waddle in – seriously, what is up with this guy – he walks like he has a janky knee and a trick hip.  Bob pretends to be horrified and covers up Kairo with his white embroidered western wear shirt – careful Bob, Pam cooking spray will leave a nasty stain!  SBS is happy that her ex showed up to support their son, but she is firm in her position of “Momager”.

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Later, SBS and Kairo request a professional evaluation from Cynthia Bailey – owner of the Bailey Agency for wayward models.  Cynthia can’t take her eyes off of Kairo and asks to see his abs, drop down and give her 20, and strike some serious Blue Steel.  Cynthia is so overwhelmed by his smokin’ hotness, she is sweating like Bob Whitfield!  SBS thinks Kairo is ready to walk at NY Fashion Week, after all SBS is the expert – she can throw a fashion show with no clothes.  Cynthia laughs her middle-aged model ass off and cautions SBS to slow her momager roll.

It may not hurt Cynthia to have a new client by way of Karo, she also learns that her offer of $940,000 on the new lake house was accepted!  Cynthia is thrilled, she prayed for a tub like the one in the lake house, where she can soak off the greazy film of her marriage.

Sidebar:  Cynthia’s real estate agent, Flavia, called to give her the news and I could have sworn Cynthia said “Labia”.  Not sure that is worth mentioning, but it sure gave me a chuckle!  Could you imagine…  Anyhoo – the Bravo paychecks are keepin’ her dream alive for now, but now we wait until Papa Smurf files for spousal support.  MMM HMMM, betta make those coins, gurrrrrl!

On the Kenya Moore front, she is safely secured inside Moore Manor, except for the area where Matt kicked out the IKEA grade glass from the garage doors.  She calls her father on her iPhone, which Matt apparently also smashed, and she gives her father the update.  Papa don’t take no mess and his ass is on a plane to ATL as they speak – First Class PUH-LEAZE!

Ronald arrives and we get a better look at Moore Manor in its finished state, which I have to say is quite nice.  She has one of those really cool, modern, abstract light fixtures that are so expensive I cannot bring myself to buy one.  Anyway, she pretends to cook dinner by way of some frozen Trader Joe’s meals and Ronald is on an anti-Matt rant and points out each painfully evident fact about how the relationship is doomed.  Kenya’s face keeps falling with each sentence he utters – she expresses probably one of the worst things a woman can about a flailing relationship, “he has potential”.  Don’t do it Miss USA – do not fall in love with a man’s POTENTIAL!  Just like we learned last week, good fried chicken don’t pay da bills, and neither does potential!

Kenya and Ronald arrive at a cigar bar and wait for Matt to arrive, but after 30 minutes he is still a no show.  No show.  No pay da’ bills.  Kenya’s shattered iPhone reflects the status of her relationship – Matt is not coming and his li’l thumbs of fury needed to send 17 irrational text messages to convey that simple thought!  Kenya rings him up and Matt says he isn’t coming because he feels manipulated.  Kenya warns Matt to watch his tone and he hangs up.  Now Ronald is pissed, and he’s HONGRAY!

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Matt finally strolls in, wearing his best Garanimals from the “Where’s Waldo” collection and proceeds to tell Ronald that Kenya doesn’t respect his boundaries – he is not about to be her li’l beyotch.  Ronald lectures both of them about “give and take”, but ultimately tells Matt he is going to have to accept Kenya’s crazy twirling and lack of baseboards in her home or get into his truck and put the pedal to the metal!

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Now, let’s get down to the real reason we all slogged through the last 43 minutes of this shit show…At the Kandi Koated Factory, Kandi is conveniently having a meeting with her shade-throwin’ staff when Phaedra’s assistant calls to set up a dinner meeting.  The staff looks confused, Don Juan asks “what the goallllll?”  Kandi gives them the bomb threat briefing and of course they all rally around the woman signing their paychecks and agree that Phaedra’s version of the bomb threat story is bullshit.  Kandi speculates that the “bodyguard” hired by Phaedra is actually her new boyfriend and the bottom line is that Kandi isn’t cool with the continual inconsistent stories.  Sidebar:  Kandi looks smokin’ in her purple dress – it must be the victorious radiance from casting all the shade on her former BFF.

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Over at Phaedra’s office, she receives a visit from Drama’s mother to discuss the bomb threat.  Phaedra was upset about all the “sensationalized” stories that went around the ATL and she is angry with Kandi for not reining in Mama Joyce when she said that Drama “wanted to blow you the f*ck up!”  Not too much to see here, but Drama’s Mama looks like she’s seen some thangs…#ifyaknowwhatimsayin’!

The final showdown takes place at Katana Teppanyaki and Sushi, where the wait staff wear plaid lumberjack shirts.  The two former besties start goin’ at each other right out of the gate and they both have a laundry list of grievances against one another.  After they run through the good ol’ standards…Mama Joyce, Todd, Sexual Chocolate, and beyond… Kandi feels that Phaedra milked Apollo’s incarceration to garner sympathy, when all the while she had been telling Kandi she couldn’t wait for his power-drill wielding dumb ass to be gone.  Further weaving her tales of woe, Phaedra tells Kandi she may have loved her more than her huzzzband, but Kandi isn’t down with melting in Phaedra’s hands or her mouth.  Um…EWW!  They decide to bid each other goodbye and best wishes, Kandi makes a swift exit, while Phaedra remains seated and pretends to peruse the menu, hmmm….Rainbow or Seattle Roll?

Next time – Cynthia shows her boobs, SBS shares the rumor about Phaedra skippin’ around on Apollo before he want to jail, and Kandi is mad about something, again.

Good Fried Chicken Don’t Pay Da’ Bills

We are back at the scene of the bomb threat and Phaedra makes her way into her office taking elf sized steps because her spanx are too tight.  There are about four painfully evident staged extras posing as paparazzi outside the elevator.  Phaedra hand picks one of the paparazzi to enter the office and be honored with the true scoop, which turns out to be a whole lotta nuthin’!  The man enters, wearing a hat that reads, “I Pledge to Hustle”.  We learn that the man who threatened the office with a bomb is a ‘90’s rapper named “Drama” and he is a former client and good friend of Phaedra’s for over 20 years.  He did some prison time and apparently looks crazier than a bed bug, he entered the wrong law office and announced he was “dropping of some bomb new music” and apparently, the conservative white people got it twisted.  What kind of f*ckery is this?  Racial profiling at the receptionist’s desk, that’s what!  Or so Counselor Parks believes, so she decides to hold a summit to discuss preventative security and how they can teach the office staff to brush up on their Urban Dictionary vocab so they may decipher the difference between “bomb lyrics” and an actual “bomb”.

Over at Moore Manor, Cynthia drops by to admire the disposable furniture and the untouched Gucci cake from Matt’s birthday.  Cynthia confused – why baby Matt no eat his cake?  Kenya explains how Matt hulked out over her throwback Thursday photo with Jay-Z.  Cynthia gives her some incoherent speech about how Papa Smurf went on Wendy Williams to air their dirty divorce laundry, Kenya needs a strong man who has the upper body strength to carry her crown, and well overall it’s not all rainbows and panda bears and Kenya needs to think about how she can do better to improve the relationship.  What in the fresh hell is this untoward advice?  Better advice would have been “drink a pint of Tequila Rose and find some stooge on Tinder”.  Kenya starts tearing up because she is at a fork in the road, I say pick up the fork and eat the cake before that fondant goes stale!

Later, Cynthia visits her divorce attorney and finds out they can proceed rather quickly and she will receive a divorce certificate – oh Cynthia and her love of formalized paperwork!  They each check the box saying they can go be happy and marry other people, they each receive a laminated copy bound in a genuine Corinthian leather folio, and hopefully move on with their lives.

The OLG Restaurant is still a slapdash shit show and Todd is bee-bopping around the restaurant shell talking to himself, when he really should be hitting leg day at the gym to pump up those Tweety Bird legs!  OHMYLANTA…he is wearing a backpack, LOOK ALIVE KANDI!  This is how it all started with Apollo and his backpack o’ scumf*ckery.  Kandi and her “I dream of Jeannie” hair piece can only fixate on the liquor license, which is about to expire in 45 days if the restaurant isn’t finished!

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Speaking of 45-day time frames, Porsha needs to be out of her current rental home in 45 days, which she thinks “is like three weeks, right?”  Thank God for her sister Lauren, she is there to guide her out of the underground railroad of stupidity and into the kitchen to start packing her shit.  Porsha sits Lauren and her mother’s camel toe down in the living room for a serious chat – the real motivation behind moving into a larger home is her plan to receive her ex-Todd’s seed and start the family she always wanted.  Porsha reminisces that Todd’s last name is also Stewart and he had sent her a text years ago, on her wedding day, pointing out that she was “marrying the wrong Stewart”.  Oh Todd, you should’ve gone all “Benjamin Braddock” on her and stopped the wedding!  Oh wait, these millennials full o’ fluff are too young to remember “The Graduate”.

benjamin-braddock

In other news, is it just me or does Mama Joyce need some serious meds?  She saunters over to Randy Kessler’s office wearing a pathetic excuse for a disguise and poses as if she is seeking legal advice “for a friend”.  Yeah Mama – you’re about as subtle as Kenya’s knockers in her Forever 21 clearance rack outfits.  Mama grills Kessler about her “hypothetically incarcerated man, divorce, how long, etc.” questions and he gives her a standard legal answer about as clear as Georgia mud, yes if incarcerated, no if less than a year, yes if more than five years, but not for a qualifying misdemeanor, third felony maybe, but hypothetically speaking if he earns more than $500 a week for twerking, overall likelihood is no, yes, well probably they could divorce rather swiftly, but not if his prison uniform is orange.  If he is assigned a blue DOC jumpsuit, then he can appeal the divorce and get divorced in seven years without any paperwork, but he will never see his backpack of tomfoolery again.

Mama clearly has nothing to do with her life.  Jeez lady, take a pottery class, learn how to knit, watch Judge Judy…anything but this.  Mama tells the camera, “I wouldn’t piss in yo’ mouth if yo’ guts was on fire!”  Dayum Mama, that is just unbecoming.  Furthermore, I have now become entirely mortified that I am actually using brain cells to figure out her disguise choice, much less her warped psyche.

Kandi decides she needs to start testing the OLG recipes with the new chef, which consists of fried chicken and mac-n-cheese.  If these are the heavy hitting recipes – including banana mush in an over-sized wine glass served with canned whipped cream, then I truly fear for the success of this restaurant venture.  Kandi decides to hold the tasting at a culinary school since the restaurant isn’t finished and, well who wants a li’l asbestos sprinkled on their mac-n-cheese?  Not I said the OLG.  The OLG’s arrive wearing their support hose, ready to taste food and be despondent for the camera.  Kandi has invited her cast mates and Mama Joyce starts salivating at the thought of giving Phaedra a taste, Mama Joyce hood rat style.  Kandi senses Mama’s hunger and warns her to lay off of Phaedra and to not use the word “bomb”, “fuse”, “lit” or otherwise!

Kenya comes boppin’ in and her knockers are having an explosion of their own, over the top of her undersized outfit, they are just too much.  Anyhoo, She by Shereé (SBS) sits next to Mama Joyce and pounces on her own opportunity to stir up the shit pot and informs Mama that Kenya threw shade on her wiglette hairstyle, Mama shoots a harmless stink eye, but let’s Kenya off the hook.  Mama is too focused on Phaedra’s arrival, as soon as she walks in, she takes Phaedra’s hands and acts as if she is trying to comfort her.  There are not enough prayer cloths in all of the ATL to save Phaedra now…oh wait, sensing the dis-comfort, Kandi pulls Mama away and Phaedra gets the zinger of the night, “thank God she kept her shoes on!”

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Phaedra takes several seats and explains what happened with the alleged bomb threat.  Mama Joyce said that she heard that the guy was tired of being messed around and wanted to blow Phaedra the f*ck up.  Phaedra sloughs it off, drops a “Homeland Security” on her, and BAM…Mama Joyce is now on a watch list somewhere in D.C.  Phaedra explained that her office is conservative and this was all a result of racial profiling, but her former BFF, Kandi, calls bullshit and thinks Phaedra is Phakin’.

So with that shit put to rest, SBS asks Kandi what’s going on with Block and asks Porsha if Block talked about Riley while they were dating.  Oh SBS, you wily Mama Joyce wiglette wearin’ minx.  Porsha is getting her money’s worth out of the anger management sessions, she counts to 10 and keeps her cool.  She and Kandi squash it like a road lizard and move on.  Besides, Porsha dated Block, like…ages ago…it’s been at least 45 days!

For the final drama of the night, Kenya is dealing with a bomb of her own, apparently Matt vandalized Moore Manor in the middle of the night by kicking in a window on her garage like a swift, effective, killing machine.  Yeah, bummer…that IKEA grade glass is thin.  Kenya doesn’t know what to do, so she rings her resident relationship expert Cynthia Bailey.  Cynthia tells her to kick him to the curb, but Kenya wants this relationship to work so badly she cannot accept the direction given.  Her mind is ablaze with indecision, so she comes up with a better idea to consult a producer who job it is to facilitate pointless drama.  Kenya defends Matt, she really loves him and her success is f*ckin’ him up.  While this all occurs, we watch her two teacup terriers wrestle and play on the floor, which is the cutest thing I’ve seen this whole hour, but also symbolic of Kenya’s struggle.

Kenya calls Matt and summons him to Moore Manor for an in-person chat about their hot mess of a relationship.  He shows up looking like he smells of hot dog water and rage.  The fuse on his tampon is lit up the moment he sees the camera crew lurking.  It seems Matt doesn’t want their relationship on camera, so I would reckon he stay off the show and they keep their shit private.  Nothing some creative pixelation and a few modesty boxes won’t fix…BAM, crisis averted.  However, they start fighting and he calls her disrespectful, claiming she talks to him like “a farm animal on the daily” – she is “manipulative and fundamentally deceptive”.  I’m pretty sure he has those words tattooed somewhere on his body.  They exchange a few more heated words and he squeals out of the uncured driveway.  YOU IN DANGER, GIRRRL!

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Next week – Family feuds and Kandi and Phaedra have it out.

Bombs Away

Phaedra is preparing to head to the DNC and work with Congresswoman Wilson and her sparkly hats to bring attention to the ongoing issue of police brutality.  Phaedra cannot be without her sidekick, so she invites Porsha to tag along.  Porsha twirls around in her day gown, “I’m always down to fight the power!”  Counselor Parks also plans to kill another bird while on the road and plans to swing by the clink and hopefully get Apollo to sign off on those pesky li’l divorce papers.

Across town, Kenya and Cynthia visit a bakery to learn how to decorate cakes, Kenya creates a Gucci themed cake for Matt since he lost is Gucci belt, or some ridiculous shit like that.  Cynthia is giving us Black Panther Rally realness with her wild hair, and one cannot help but wonder why they would not be required to wear hair nets around all of this frosting!  Speaking of appearances, I cannot figure out Kenya’s outfit, her top is a hideous print with Rolling Stone lips and ladybugs.  Anyhoo, as Kenya forms a replica of Matt’s most prized body part out of green fondant, she announces to her BFF Cynthia that she is having an ATV outing to celebrate Matt’s birthday – SUCCESSFUL COUPLES ONLY!  As the frosting tool twirls in Cynthia’s backside, she blows it off assuming her invitation was lost in the mail.  To add insult to injury, Kenya decides this is the moment to phone Kandi and Lena to bring their significant others to the birthday party.

Cynthia big hair, don’t care, has her own fish to fry, which she will be fishing for in her new lake house!  One condition of her divorce is to sell the house, so she takes Noelle to make an offer on the first new home they find.  It has 16-bedrooms and it’s on a lake, way to downsize and economize Cynthia!  She later phones Kenya to share the news, only to find out that Kenya had posted a Throwback Thursday photo on her Instagram, which pictured her in a car with Jay-Z.  Matt flew into a jealous rage and hulked out by punching holes in the un-done Moore Manor.  Good thing she hadn’t installed that trim yet!

She by Shereé – SIDEBAR:  from here on out, we will abbreviate her name to SBS because I am too lazy to keep typing out She by Shereé – has her own issues to deal with.  She sits down with her son, Kairo, to discuss his recent DUI and she opens a rather stale can o’ whoop ass on him.  She emphasizes the need for him to be careful and he will always have to be better and try harder due to the color of his skin.  SBS does her best as concerned, caring mother, but she takes Kairo to see Bob, so he can be the bad guy and ride Kairo like a Shetland show pony.  However, unbeknownst to SBS, Bob is a medical card-carrying marijuana smoker and speaks to the benefits of pot.  SBS gives him the “you are so stupid you make me squint” look.  Once again, Bob is sweating like a farm animal.  Seriously dude, you should check into that.  SBS is praying Kairo didn’t score from his father, but Bob turns the convo around and scolds him for smoking pot recreationally and he needs to let the dutchie pass.  Kairo gives his best dead in the eyes apology and promises to “make better decisions”.

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Kandi and Todd are still working on OLG restaurant and are three months behind.  They call in their resident expert, Papa Smurf, for advice.  He tells them they are insane for getting into the bidness and then he and Todd step outside to bro-out.  Peter advises him on the proper placement of any security cameras to avoid being caught groping patrons.  Peter yammers on about working with Cynthia being the cause of divorce, blah, blah, blah…but face it, we all know the truth.  She finally got wise and dumped your dumb ass because you squandered her modeling fortune and then you were caught on video sliding your grubby paws all over a waitress.  Bar One and DONE – DUBMASS!

Later, Todd heads home after working so many hours at the restaurant that he hasn’t washed his balls in three days.  Okay, why did we need to know that and, ummm EWW!  As if that wasn’t alarming enough, Mama Joyce shows up and offers to watch Baby Ace, FREE OF CHARGE!  She has suspicions that Kandi is “rusty as a drain pipe”, so she has set up some Bedroom Kandi in the guest house to allow Kandi and Todd to have some “alone time”.  Now dear reader, you are probably thinking how revolting it would be to have your own mother set up “sexy time” for you, laying out your own sex toy products and lube to be used with your husband, whose balls smell like the dumpster at a back-alley Mexican restaurant… but oh no, that is not the end of this escapade!  Kandi can’t just get nekkid, she decides to head back over to the main house, slip into something more comfortable, and then she runs into Mama while trotting back over to the guest house in her lingerie and heels.  This is just wrong on so many levels.  Pardon me while I go power wash my eyeballs.

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It’s the big day of the ATV outing, but Matt has fled to California because he couldn’t handle the sight of his current girlfriend in a car with Jay-Z from 40 years ago.  SIDEBAR:  This does shed some light onto why Kenya continually thinks she is Beyoncé.  Lena decides to take a knee because she is “under the weather” and Kenya rides with RL with Todd and Kandi behind.  Todd takes off like a maniac, hoping he doesn’t pull a RHOC and roll the dayum thing!  They finally break for some lunch comprised of pasta salad, fruit salad, tuna salad, chicken salad, egg salad, and bean salad.  Salad, anyone?  Kandi goes right for the good stuff and asks Kenya for some real talk about Matt.  As they discuss Matt’s anger and insecurities, RL makes a point, there’s not a lot of men that “want to be Stedman”.  [Insert sound of needle being yanked off the record here].  As if we are even comparing Kenya to Oprah – AWWW HELL NOPRAH!  Real talk – no matter how you cut the muffin, this relationship between Kenya and Matt is FRAUGHT WITH PERIL!

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Now if all of this wasn’t enough to blow your shit-hole wide open, we check in on Phaedra’s travels and as she is on her way to Apollo’s prison, she receives a call from her office.  Apparently, they received a bomb threat at the law office via a suspicious package, which allegedly contained a grenade.  Counselor Parks maintains her cool despite the threat, calls mom and instructs her to secure the boys and to duck and cover!

Next week, Porsha is ready to start her family, Mama Joyce weighs in on the bomb threat as if Counselor Parks had it coming, and Kenya and Matt have it out in the driveway at Moore Manor.