Beatlejuice

Tonight we find out what the shocking twist was…they are going to Sin City for Beatles night.  They have 24 hours to learn the songs.  Jezzuz, I can’t take any more of the crying.

The vocal coach Peggy Blu is a nitro burnin’ bitch, she tells the contestants they are going to “croak” and tells one girl to bury the others ass on the stage.  She says she will happily eat crow with a little salt on it if they prove her wrong.  She seems like the type of broad that goes around biting heads off of birds just for fun.

It’s pretty amazing to me how many of these kids haven’t even heard these songs.  I reckon they are young, but c’mon…get with the program.

Most of the contestants did pretty well, so we will just cover the lowlights:

Ashley Sullivan-Suraiva

Okay, I already wrote my column for the prior episode and I said that this Sloppopotamus looks like she would kill a man in her sleep.  Well rope my feet and call me dogy, but she is going to get married while in Vegas and she tells her boyfriend he is going thru with it or SHE’LL KILL HIM IN HIS SLEEP.  Wow, I sure can spot a psycho circus geek when I see one!  She also says she is getting married where Britney Spears did and that Brit Brit is her hero, so it is quite the auspicious occasion.  Anyone that says that Brit Brit is their hero deserves to be smacked in the face with a bag of golf balls.  Then this cracked out skankarella gets married in pleather pants.  Well if she wants to do this wedding in true Brit Brit style, they will need to stop at a gas station to get some industrial strength condoms because neither one should pro-create, then they will need some Fanta, and Funyonions for their wedding night celebration.

The First Cut is the Deepest

They made a big fat cut out of the first group, but then they have to make the individual cuts so we have our top 24.

Most of the show was a snooze fest, but the worst cut was Chris Medina.  He actually took it like a champ.  It was harder on JHO than anyone, she doesn’t know if she can continue on.  Sh!t, now I have salty discharge coming from my eyeballs.

It was a sad night for Idol, hopefully better next week.  Until then…don’t carry a grudge.  It’s very heavy and it doesn’t have a handle.

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How Goes the Anxiety?

Haley Reinehart

She does pretty good, she is from Wheeling, IL so she better represent.  Steven says she “made his day”, I bet, you ol’ perv.

Ashton Jones

She does pretty well to, but she’s another one that needs to tame down her Wal-Mart broke down weave.

Thia Megia

Despite her janky name, she does pretty well.  Day is off to a good start!

Adrian Michael

He flops like an ol’ man who forgot to take his viagra, he can’t get his groove on with the band.

Caleb Johnson and Frances Coontz

Both flop.  Dawg is rotating his head around trying to erase the sound of the howler monkey on stage.

June Bug

He’s pretty good, but I still can’t get over the fact that he screwed little cheechako like a nine-fingered whore the night before.

Kendra Chantelle and Sophia Shororai

These two do well also.  I can’t figure out what is up with Steven’s facial expressions.  He seriously looks like he wants to violate all these young ladies.  Simmer down now Mr. Pelican Pants!  There will be no playing grab-ass here.

Carson Higgins and Chris Medina

They are singing the same song “My Perogative.”  Carson starts his performance by grabbing his junk.  I will never understand why boys must do this.  Chris takes a more mellow approach.

Julie Zorilla, Caleb Hawley, and Colton Dixon

These are three are as solid as the first dump you take after you’ve been constipated for days.

Simply Red

He does okay too, but I still hate that hair.

Robbie “The nose always knows” Rosen

Pretty good needs a haircut, he’s on the verge of rockin’ a mullet.

Casey Abrams (A.K.A. Seth Rogan)

He plays a stand up base for his perf and does pretty well.

Jaquelin Dunford

She gets ill and our little, bossy Malibu Barbie gets her ass bounced out of the comp.

Chelsee Oaks

She pulls through even though her little Malibu Barbie buddy has left.  Oh boy, more salty discharge from her eyeballs.

Lauren Alaina

Our little Georgia Peach reprises “I don’t want to miss a thing.”  She does well, but I am not a fan when the contestants keep singing the same song.  I think she is sucking up to Steven, however there will be no sucking going on as it would be ILLEGAL.  Chris Hansen is waiting back at Steven’s hotel room, ready to come around the corner, ask him to take a seat, and offer him some sweet tea.

Jacob Lusk

This guy sounds like hes wailing a bit, but the judges go donuts over it.  Steven is screaming, Dawg is a howlin’, he gets a standing O from JHO.  Oh mother of all that is good and descent, Jacob runs out of the audition and starts sobbing like a little girl.

John Wayne

He sang one of my favorite songs “Landslide.”  He does pretty good for a cow poke.

Ashley Sullivan

This cracky warthog from hell just needs to go.  She is ape sh!t crazy and if you google “Psycho Hose Beast” you will find her picture.  I think she looks like she would kill a man in his sleep.  Our Cracky Cookie crumbles, and surprise surprise, more tears.

Stephano Langone, Jovanny Bravo, and Cheechako

They do well, out of the three, Stephano is the cutest and I think he would go far.  Jovanny is a bit too “Holiday Inn Express Loungey” for me and our littl Cheech, well we will just wait and see.  Cheech has really won over the judges.

Scotty McCreary

If this kid sings the same song again, I will hurl gummi bears at the TV.  He finally tackles something else and botches the words.  Can we say “One trick pony?”

Tatynisa Wilson

She sounds like a wailing baby seal being clubbed with a bag of hammers.  Can we use our indoor irrational skank voice?  Dawg is lookin’ at her like “what in the f*ckery is this hot sh!t ass mess?”

The Judges deliberate and shuffle around the polaroids.  The tension mounts.

They wait on pins and needles and they all look like they want to blow chunks.  Groups one and four go thru, but group two and three get their walkin’ papers.

Now there was some shocking twist that was billed right before the last commercial break.  There was no shocking twist, what the hell.  Gummi bears fly at the TV screen.

Use Your Illusion

Group week.  This is like being the last kid picked for the kick ball game.  The deception, the betrayal, the drama.

Tiffany Rios (A.K.A. Jersey Girl)

Hot holy f*ck sh!t she is a pain in the ass.  I’d rather be sick on hard liquor than listen to her loquacious nonsense.  Looks like she has been shopping at the baby gap with Simon.  I would love to see what the acerbic voice of reason would have to say to this broad.  She looks like stuffed sausage in that dress.  She tries to persuade Scotty McCreary to join her, but he wants nothing to do with this hot ass mess.

Jordan Dorsey (A.K.A. The Cocky S.O.B)

This douche is making other people audition for him.  He is being a full-throttle, pedal to the metal, nitro burnin’ bitch.  “That’s just not gonna work for me.”  If I have to witness him be a bigger bitch up in this thing, I might just have to hurl some more wayward gummi bears at the screen.  This guy is going to get what’s coming to him…know that! (said cryptically as I puff on my electronic cigarette).

Scottie McCreary joins “The Guaps” (who in the freak came up with that name?)  June bug is not sure about him.  Then they kick out our little cheechako, Jacee.  They are all going STRAIGHT to hell.  Do not pass “Go” and do not collect your $200.00.  What a rotten thing to do.  Poor kid, but then our red headed rabid raccoon hair boy takes our cheechako Jacee in.  They call him a “blessing”.  Hmm…I guess everything does happen for a reason.

Ashley Sullivan (A.K.A. Strung out Meth Addict)

This freakin’ chick is just annoyin’ the hell outta me.  She wants to stay…go…stay…go.  Ugh, just take your pale lookin’ corpse ass home and spare us the drama!  Producers talk her into staying, although I don’t know why.  If she can’t handle “the cameras” on her, how is she going to handle performing in front of millions?  I guess the Fox intern was not on hand to tell her to “EXIT…STAGE LEFT.”

Brothers from another mother are practicing in the bathroom.  I am no singer, but I hear the urinal cake provides for great acoustics.

Now we have big controversy over the “stage mom’s”, oh get over it already.  These kids need all the help they can get!

Two groups are singing the same Queen song.  Okay, SIDEBAR:  Tackling a Queen song is probably one of the most difficult things to do.  Freddy Mercury had a truly unique voice and the guy was a performer.  These two groups are really gonna hafta BRING IT.

Three’s Company

Our little wee man says he is “screwed.”  Really, no sh!t, thanks for clearing that up.  He is just gutted, looking like the cheese fell off his cracker.

Okay at this point, everyone is a hot, scrambin’, mess and I am sick of it.  Gummi bears are being hurled at TV screen.

Let’s move on to some of the performances and let’s hope they don’t forget the words:

The first three girl trio was good, they blew it out da’ box.  I still don’t smell a winner here.  It’s not enough to be “good”, they need to be GREAT!  I will let you know when I get goosebumps.

The Duo

JHO says she is scared to hear this group performance.  They sing “To the left, to the left”…how about exit stage left.  Dawg is laughing and he shuts them down like a bad ferris wheel because they suck ass..  Then Jersey Girl is pleading on the microphone lookin’ like a two-bit ho.  What in the jazzersicing camel toe is she wearing?  Shall we coin a new name for yet another Calvin Klein fragrance?  Pleading Camel Toe? 

Some Kinda Wonderful

The girl group summons Steven to the stage.  Well played girls…Well played.  Steven thoroughly enjoys being the center of attention.  Now all the sudden he’s got a bit of pep in his step and apparently a license to sell hot dogs.  Lauren is the only one who gets through and right now the producers of Dateline are watching this and calling Chris Hansen about doing a celebrity episode of To Catch A Predator.

Is it wrong that I think it’s funny when they forget the words?  It totally pisses the Dawg off.  JHO looks totally freakin’ annoyed.  Steven looks like he’s totally over it.

Our resident hill cat forgets the words, don’t let the door hit ya’ where the good lord split ya’.

What was really funny was the girl who was flailing about singing Rhianna “Only girl in the world.”  Really??  Really????  For reals?  Then she argues for her spot.  “Really, really bad” says our DAWG and I concur!

Paris is up next and she sucks.  JHO is torn, she reflects, what was that salty discharge that came from my eyes when I first saw her?  End de la rue for our girl Paris.

Emily Ann Marie and Amy Wineho are gone…they take their janky broke down weaves and bounce.

DAWG gives a pep talk and apparently it works, the girls who came on next were great.  Ashley “drama queen” is probably glad she stayed, but she doesn’t deserve it.  I think she has daddy issues.

James Durbin (A.K.A. Turet Boy)

He definitely has a future outside of the competition.  I really like him and I think he is so good.  One of my faves.  If lovin’ him is wrong, I don’t wanna be right!

Next group gets a standing O, they were good, the contestants now have salty discharge coming from her eyes.  Steven says this is the reason he got involved with the show.  Looks like the Stage Mom’s helped after all!

The guy reading words off his hand was a riot.  How stupid can you be?  Steven gives a tip, write the words on your arm.  I remember one time when I saw Aerosmith perform, there was a sign taped to the stage that said “You are in Chicago.”  Even the Demon of Screaming gets CRS (can’t remember SH!T)

I love how these contestants turn around when they forget the words and look back as if the words are going to magically appear behind them.

Carson Higgins (A.K.A. That Guy)

I don’t know what it is about this guy, but I don’t like the way he looks.  He looks like the type of guy who has bodies in his basement.

Sugar Mama and the Babies

Cheechako makes up his own words.  He is so cute, but he’s not ready.  More salty discharge from Jacee’s eyes.  They throw shade on the Guaps, but all make it thru.

The Guaps

DAWG calls the group out on rejecting our cheechako Jacee, Scotty apologizes for not sticking up for him.  The Guaps get thru.  Geez now Scotty has salty discharge coming from his eyeballs.  I guess they are all sleep deprived, so it’s taking a toll.

Three’s A Crowd

Our little polly pocket is having a hard time with the girls.  He has the worst case of CRS that I’ve ever seen and he can’t dance to save his ever lovin’ life.  This whole performance just went all gunnysack on him.  Poor little wee man, oh well…Keebler called, they need you back at the tree.

That’s all for now, I will work on night two and this past week later.  Over and out my friends.

Week in the Knees

Tonight we started Hollywood Week.  There is no feedback given from the judges, so this was actually a snooze fest.  I’ll try my best to fluff it up for you.  Let’s watch some spirits and dreams get crushed, shall we?

 

Simply Red

This kid breaks out into a full blown flop-sweat and he’s shaking like a Mexican washing machine.  He’s pretty good, but mother of all that is good and descent he needs to do something about that hair.  It looks like he put his head in a pillowcase with a rabid raccoon.

Victoria Huggins

Our little energizer bunny doesn’t make it.  She is standing there lookin’ like the cheese fell off her cracker.  I don’t think the judges ever intended to put her through.

Stormi, Miss Teen U.S.A.

Steven clearly has a crush on her, which is just gross.  I think she sounds like a hyena in heat, she didn’t get through…pageant wave…buh bye!

Lauren Alaina

She was one of my favorites and gets through.  It’s on like Donkey Kong!

Chris Medina

He’s another heavy favorite and the only one in his round that gets through.  Although, he needs some jeri-curl or something to tone down that Roseanne Rosanna Danna hair.

Sidebar:  If I have to sit through one more commercial break, I’m gonna spit.  I think I may have even thrown some wayward gummy bears at the screen.

Jaycee Our Little Babyface Sensation

The youngest of the group gets through, but my prediction: our little cheechako gets eaten alive.

Robbie “Follow Your Nose, it Always Knows” Rosen

Robbie and his gargantuan schnaz get through as well.  Prediction:  he won’t get far.

The cavalcade of “Ford Focus” cars delivers the next batch of contestants.  Nice gratuitous plug by Ford.  More wayward gummy bears fly, maybe even an expletive or two.

Steven skips along with his big, fat, bald bodyguard.  He is so excited to arrive at work, but little does he know that almost everyone on that day is going to suck donkey balls.

Wee Little Man

This guy is sitting next to OHRS and he looks like he is half the size of OHRS.  So…he must be about 2 feet tall.  They must have been sitting because the Fox intern forgot to bring the milk crate for OHRS to stand on.  Anyway, Our little Polly Pocket man and his ex-girlfriend move forward in the competition.

Gay Boy and his Beard

Our choirboy and his mate are separated.  He begs for another chance.  Dawg cuts him off, you only get ONE SHOT.  As he is being ushered out, he starts singing again.  Boy oh boy…if desperation and neediness were attractive, they’d be Calvin Klein fragrances!

Well that’s all tonight for this nickel and dime donkey show.  Next week is Group Week.  Hopefully it will be more interesting than watching paint dry!  Thanks for reading folks…Seacrest…OUT!

Last Stop on the Crazy Train

We open with a young girl in tears over her rejection, she says “I thought I was gonna be famous…just because someone farts, let them finish singin’!”  C’mon now, she was just giving herself some anal applause!  So what if she let Freddie outta the cage?  Well honey you are famous now…as the girl that farted during her audition.  Don’t feel bad Gassy McGassygirl, I am sure those audition crowds must be an abundant wonderland of unidentifiable smells.

We’re at the City by the Bay, where we first found Adam Lambert!  Let the craziness ensue…

Judges arrive and they designate Steven to be the one to put the hammer down.  Although, watch out for JHo…’cuz she’ll cut a bitch!

Little Mail Order Ukrainian Bride

This li’l girl came outta da’ gate like a-koo-koo-doodle doo!  Her husband appears Asian and he says “me love her long time”.  Steven delivers the bad news that she ain’t no good and she emits a squeak reminiscent of our poof-headed Jersey Shore favorite, Snookie.  She skips out and says she’s going to be the biggest celebrity in Hollywood and stomps off.  OHRS (Our Host Ryan Seamonkey) says “oh, wanna chat about it?”  Now she is pouting and she yells “No!”  He tells the hubby that “He’s got his hands full”, but I don’t think he understood a word of English.  On the elevator, she tells us she has the most beautiful eyes you’ll ever see even though they are crying.  Aww, my heart breaks for the queen of delusion.  NOT!

Sidebar:  Is it just me, or does Steven look hilarious in his bifocals? 

Stephano Langone

This poor guy had an accident and it sounds horrific.  The paramedics thought he was taking the dirt nap.  Well he’s back in business, ‘cuz this guy delivered on “Heard it Through the Grapevine”.  He will do well because he has a fighting spirit, he’s adorable, and he’s got the Lifetime Movie of the Week Story.

Junebug in da’ House

He’s a karaoke DJ at a dive bar and he looks like a whackadoo, but this little bugger sounds pretty good, the judges love him and he’s through. 

Crazy Contagious Monkey Boy

This kid is dressed like some kind of animal and he’s crazier than a crack house rat.  He gets an immediate “NO” from our Dawg.  We haven’t heard the Dawg say “NO” that fast since someone asked him if he wanted a salad for lunch.  (I have to thank Joel McHale for that one-liner).  If you missed the show, you can find a picture of this kid if you Google “Indications that someone has lost their GD fuck!ng mind!”

Signed Sealed Delivered

This kid was so bad, Dawg put his head down and did not lift it back up as if he was thinking, “I’m livin’ in a powder keg and giving off sparks”.

Crazy Transformer Guy

This guy is a walking calamity in this contraption he wore that allowed him to convert into a car.  Well I don’t know what all this mishigas is about, but he converts back into the car and starts singing “Born to be Wild”.  Steven says he thought his outfit was so slammin’ and he liked his voice, Dawg says “Really?”  And Steven says very softly to the kid “Joking”.  Then he asks him before he leaves “How many gallons per mile?”  Then the ass-hat drives away on the sidewalk practically running people over.

Sidebar:  Steven seems to inappropriately like the young ladies…ahh…some things never change!

Julie from Columbia

She has another Lifetime movie of the week story about the guerrillas in Columbia.  She sings “Summertime”.  My first thought was that song was so slammin’ when Fantasia performed it, she might not compare, but then the Dawg said the same thing.  Great minds think alike!  She is hotter than a dancin’ bobcat with its ass on fire.  She gets an “unequivocally yes” from Steven.  Why do I smell another Paula Abdulesque American Idol scandal coming on regarding inappropriate behavior between a judge and contestant?

 Goldilocks, , A.K.A. Monkey Wit’ a Wig On

He sings a Beatles song…badly.  Steven says “ohhhh you may be tendin’ bar!”  Then he screams at him, beating his chest “Do you see what’s on my shirt?!?!”  (The Beatles).  He tells him he was “so far off the melody it was like he was on another planet.”  Now Steven is angry and Dawg says “Steven you been testy.”  Hee hee, he said testy.  It looks like these auditions may banish Steven’s sobriety to the land of wind and ghosts.

Steven is on a roll puttin’ da’ screws down, he yells at the next kid “Dude, did you hit your head on the way here?”

Big Scary Dude with the Bushy Beard and Greazy Long Hair

This brain dead meat puppet sings “Stand by Me”.  Stephen says “That was so great, you sound like these guys (referring to his Beatles shirt) and then he says you’re in, it’s gonna be a big hit!”  You can hear the crew cracking up in the background and then Steven says “NO, absolutely not.”  Oh the humanity.

Cop Girl

She comes in with some janky cop costume that she found at a yard sale and Seven says “You oughtta be arrested for that voice.”  Then he asks her if she has hand cuffs.  Steven is so inappropriate tonight and it’s fabulous!

Emily Ann Reed

Another Lifetime Movie of the Week story, her house burned down and she lost everything.  I think that same thing happened to season 1 winner, Kelly Clarkson.  She certainly has a unique voice, but I am not a fan.  I don’t think she could put asses in the seats.  Judges are split and JHo is holding the cards, she’s in a real quandary.  She gives her one more chance to see how she does in Hollywood week.

Turret’s Boy

This boy has turret’s syndrome and Aspersers (form of Autism).  He didn’t know his father very well and eventually lost him to a drug overdose.  We are full of sad stories tonight.  He met the love of his life and she leaves little love notes around the house for him.  They had a son and it changed his life.  He doesn’t have a job and they are flat broke busted and can’t afford diapers sometimes.  This show is tearin’ the ass outta me tonight!  He has kind of a punk rocker look and he sings “You Shook Me All Night Long” and then asks for Steven’s permission to sing “Dream On”.  He impresses, he sounds a lot like Adam Lambert.  He starts crying and says the singing takes him away from his Turret’s.  Steven says it was “Over the top” and Dawg says it was “CRAZY Good!”  Steven says he has “melodic sensibility and the voice”.  I hope he does well, he seems like a good kid.

The show wraps up with some flashbacks and we are treated to clips of Yoji Pop and Civil War Reenactment boy actin’ all crazy, and a few other nut-jobs that went full-blown, boiling bunny psycho.  Then they show this hilarious clip of OHRS sitting down in a chair that breaks out from under him and he falls backwards.  Is it wrong that I love watching other people fall?

Next up…Holly-Hell Week!

How Ya’ Like Me Now

Hey folks, sorry for the delay, the blizzard caused quite a stir with homeowners.  Did I mention, I love my job?  Enough with that…on to the insanity…

We start with an apology from Steven for his outrageous behavior.  Well I sure hope he doesn’t stop because his outrageous behavior is what is what I love about him.

Moving on…OHRS (Out Host Ryan Seahorse) starts with a call to his dad…aww how touching.  Then JHO gets a kiss from her hubby and Steven says “You don’t kiss me like that.”  Is it just me, or is Steven funnier than a cat in a pillow case?

Cory

He sings “I Can’t Make You Love Me” by Bonnie Raitt.  One of the best songs ever written and he smashes it out a da’ box.  Heck yah!

JHO is toughening up and I like that and I think the DAWG is turning into our new Cowell.  Now the next funny thing is OHRS getting injured on the hand from the belt buckle of John Wayne.

 Then, OHRS meets his stalker.  The funniest thing was that they played Lionel Ritchie’s song “Hello, Is It Me You’re Lookin’ For”.  I can see it in your eyes, I can see it your smile…oh I but I digress.  Ryan handles it like a champ and quickly files a restraining order.  Then the stalker proceeds to do her impression of a chicken.  Well I don’t know what in the f*ckery that hot mess was about, but judges liked it and put her through.

Jacqueline and Nick

This was the nice couple that met in choir.  When she finds out he’s gay, she’s going to realize she wasted the best years of her life.

The 7’ Armadillo

Okay, I thought the stalker was bad, but what in the hot holy hell was this f*ckery?

Back to the Dawg

I think Randy gets quote of the year: “Is there a song called “Watch Me Leave?”

Seth Rogan

Okay, this contestant is told that he looks like Seth Rogan, but he doesn’t see it.  Well, dude, you need corrective eyewear, because you look exactly like him.  OHRS calls him “Fraggle Rock”, which is even funnier.  Then he breaks out his “melodica”, which is like a mini organ/harmonica.  Sorry, no gimmicks here…all stocked up.  Judges put him through, but frankly he’s a one trick pony.

Sidebar:  OHRS hugs all these nasty strangers, but then when Steven goes to give him a hug, he doesn’t return the favor.  OHRS, you would rather hug germ infested strangers than the Demon of Screamin’?  Although, I bet Steven has a nice case of the Mexican Herpee.

The Entertainment Capitol of the World – LA

Our judge Steven Tyler exits the limo smoking a Nepalese Temple Ball.  Just kidding, I don’t even know what that is.  He admitted to it when he was on Letterman.  JFGI (Just F*ckin’ Google It).  I like that he was wearing a little Aerosmith baby tee, kinda like the one I threw out 15 years ago.

Victoria Garret

She sounds so bad, like an animal being tortured.  My man Steven makes me laugh out loud when he tells her she’s “Going to Siberia” and then he does a goat impression “It wasn’t that baaaaad.”

 Daniel& Isaac

“Dawg this is not for you, you’re relatively tone deaf…really.”  Well put Randy, well put.  Isaac does his rendition of “Build me Up Buttercup.”  Steven says “ you set the song on fire” and Randy says “you burned the song down man.”  I am kinda likin’ this new Randy.

Tanisha Roche

She arrived with her own microphone and sings a Frank song…really…don’t even go there.  DAWG says “Why must we do this?”  Did I mention how much I love Randy?  He calls security…and…scene!

Lock it in Baby –Matt (Big Stats Sacha Fierce) Frankel Beefin’ Jerky

“Hmm…what I see I don’t like.”  Did I mention how much I love Randy?  Oh yea…paragraph above.  Then our contestant says he needs to “lubricate”.  Oh did I already use the phrase “what in the f*ckery?”  DAWG calls him delusional, which I must agree, he’s as delusional as Camille Grammer.  Then he calls the DAWG a douche bag, but something tells me this guy doesn’t even know what a douche is, much less a vagina.

William Roberts

“I don’t think you are ready for American Idol 2011, 12, or 13.”  Did I mention how much I love Steven?

Da’ Mexican Bros- Mark and Aaron

Steven said it was “God Like.”  Nothing more to say here.  They were very good.

Cooper Robinson

He’s from the back woods of Arkansas.  He busts out into “I Feel Good” by James Brown.  He thinks he’s going to get bit by a snake and he doesn’t know how old he is, but guesstimates around 59.  He looks like the pimp in Florida from People of Wal-Mart (peopleofwalmart.com).  He ends the audition by saying “How you like me?”  Crickets chirping…The judges didn’t need to say a word.  Then our contestant states that he’s better looking than any dog, chicken, giraffe, snake, cow, pig, hog, and a gee-raffe. (yes he said giraffe twice and the second time he said gee-raffe).

I will end my column with a reference to a quote from Johnny Macenroe “You cannot be serious.”