Hair Me Out

Melissa is frantically packing for her trip to Johnny’s Orlando compound, as she ponders how many sequined onesies to pack, she fills Joe in on her confrontation with Teresa regarding the latest news from Penny.  The long and short of it, Teresa Goo-boo-chay did what she did best, deny, deny, shuffle, twirl, deny.

Teresa and Jacs are together again and they go shopping, where else, but at that broke down bargain boutique house of tacky, Posche.  Kim D. is so happy to see them together and Jacs wants to buy a jump suit even though it gives her “camel toe”.  Teresa tells her that “camel toe is sexy”, red flag right there Jacs, Teresa is NOT your friend!  Kim D. shares exciting news that she is opening a more unrefined, Posche II.  Of course, what else will there be?  A grand opening party of epic proportion, where all the feuding, psychotic, shrews can gather.  Kim D. informs Teresa that Penny will be there and Teresa shares the latest drama.  Teresa assures Kim D. she will be “calm as a cucumber”, and Kim D. quickly corrects her.  Again, red flag that you ain’t livin’ right, Teresa…being corrected by that awful crypt keeper Kim D.

Joe and Melissa arrive at the compound in Orlando and they admire all of Johnny’s belongings.  Joe thinks Melissa will be the “next Melissa GaGa”, yes but only if all of her fans are tone deaf.  Johnny plans to take Melissa’s song to a local radio station and if they like it, she may have shot at a show to perform in front of 150,000 people.  The only catch is she will have to sing live at the radio station.  Right then, all of Melissa’s fake eyelashes fall out at the thought of singing live, although what better way to prove that she does lip sync to everyone that she doesn’t lip sync.

At the Wakile’s, Richie drives up, incessantly honking the horn of a new Jeep.  It’s a birthday present for their son and it’s adorned with balloons and a mylar champagne bottle balloon, which Kathy finds totes inappropriate.  Richie wants her to buzz off, “don’t you have cannoli to fill?”  Well played, Richie, well played.  They take the new Jeep for a joyride like they are P Diddy an’ shit, Richie tells his son “I just extended your penis by two inches”.  Parenting.  At.  It’s.  Finest.  No, you didn’t Richie, the Jeep is white.  That only buys your son about a half inch at best.

Teresa arrives at a restaurant looking like she fell ass backward into the 70’s bargain bin at the Salvation Army Store.  She meets her pal, Victoria Gotti, for lunch.  She and Vicki hit it off when they met on the “Celebrity Apprentice”, but Vicki isn’t in the mood for superficial small talk, she cuts right to the chase and asks Teresa about her legal woes.  Teresa nearly chokes on her Clams Casino and says she doesn’t want to talk about it, SHOCKER, but Vicki offers her some advice anyway.  She encourages Teresa to talk to her daughters about it and not let them learn about it in the news, but Vicki’s advice is a day late and an indictment short.

Teresa-hat

Meanwhile, back in the Sunshine State, Melissa works with the vocal coach so he can see what he doesn’t have to work with.  He tells her it normally takes about two weeks to train her on everything she needs to know, but she only has 24 hours.  He has her sing a song and she sounds like an American Idol reject.  If Simon Cowell were there, he would say “what in the bloody hell was that?”

Simon

Meanwhile in Hoboken, it’s opening night at “Little Town” restaurant.  The Boyz II Manzos are in a full blown flop sweat worrying about the food.  Mama Manzo worries about the Boyz worrying about the food.  She furthers everyone’s worries by expressing trepidations about the Brownstone Beef, but Papa Manzo gives it a thumbs up and tells Caro to shut the hell up.

Melissa is at Clear Channel Radio ready to perform live on 106.7 FM, she has stuffed herself into her glitteriest corset to discuss the meaning of her new song, “Never Let Me Go.”  Of course, the song is about how she will never let go of Autotune her devoted husband.  Joe will never let you go Melissa, who else will run to his aid with his baseball cap while in the midst of a brawl to help hide the fact that you have spray on hair?  Now that’s devotion.  Back in Joysey, everyone is prepped and ready to listen to Melissa streaming live.  She performs on the rinky dink tile floor with a small backdrop that looks like something a 12 year old set up to perform a neighborhood puppet show. 

Melisa-perform

She clearly has some auto tune behind her.  The Goo-boo-chays get into it, but the Wakile’s aren’t drunk enough to enjoy it.  Jacs is way into it, of course, because she is already 1/2 gallon of Carlo Rossi into her day.  All is well that ends well, Johnny invites Melissa to perform at the big show.

Milania-jammin

It’s the night of the Posche II party and Joe wants Melissa to “grow some balls” and confront Penny and Johnny.  The gang arrives at “Moxie, The Salon for Assholes” where the Posche II party is being held.  The highlight of this whole episode is watching Juicy get his eyebrows plucked as winces in pain.  Oh Juice man, that is nothing compared to what they are going to do to you in prison.  You may want to consider a Brazilian wax while you’re at the salon…jus’ sayin’.  Joe walks in, sporting his cat burglar hat in case a brawl erupts.  Hey, that spray on hair ain’t cheap!

Juicy-tweeze

Penny arrives with her broke down weave looking worse than Britney on a 7 a.m. Fanta-n-Funyion run.  Jacs is ready to pounce on Penny about the tweets her hubby made about Nicholas.  Caroline gets wind that Jacs is seeking out Penny and she drops her finger food so she can butt in.  Penny denies that Johnny said anything about Nicholas and claims she was put up to tweeting mean things.  Penny assures Jacs it was not her, she loves autistic children, in fact she…ahem… “taught autism.”  Yes.  That.  Happened.  Melissa and Teresa then swoop in and pull Penny aside to confront her together, as a united front, as they planned, until things go horribly awry.  Penny tells Melissa that Teresa fed her the information for the nasty tweets and Teresa wanted to destroy Melissa.  Teresa goes into full blown Mothra mode and they get into it, the acrylic nails are flying and Penny lays down the pièce de résistance, Teresa knew about Melissa being set up for stripper-gate at the Posche Fashion Show.

This is just the undercard, folks.  Next week is the mane event and it promises to be unbeweavable!  Jaws drop, eyes widen, $2.00 weaves are yanked from their roots, and black scuff marks from Joes’ spray on hair will be everywhere!

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Penny Wise, Pound Foolish

We start out with Teresa and her mother and mother in law arriving at the new “Skinny Italian Showroom”.  Seriously, this place looks like it’s located where hits are carried out.  They go inside and the mama’s marvel at the beautiful gift baskets filled with goods that “fell off of trucks”.  Teresa is so proud of her pasta package labels, designed by Milania on her doodle maker.  Mama Goo-boo-chay suggests Teresa and her brother get together “why you no brother invita you for dinna?”  Hmmm…wonder where Teresa got that shit-stirring gene?

Joe and Melissa have lunch with the Goo-boo-chays, complete with Mama Goo-boo-chay.  Papa Goo-boo couldn’t make it due to a kidney stone, or due to the fact that he is so pissed at Joe and Teresa that he would rather eat his own earwax than dine with the likes of those two.  Juicy rolls in late wearing a work tee shirt and he dives into the colossal shrimp and lobster appetizer, like the slobbering Mucinex slug he is.  Mama Goo-boo lectures Melissa and Teresa about their tongues and tells them to watch their mouths.  Better add thumbs to that as well, these two can rip off some spiteful tweets.  Teresa gives us a cliché for the ages “the tongue doesn’t have a bone, but it breaks bones.”  They all give each other smiles and kisses and for the moment, it’s all rainbows and lollipops.

Teresa heads over to Jacs’ place to “horse around” and assist her with her upcoming speech for an autism event.  I think Jacs should wear her horse mask for her speech, that would have real impact. 

Jacs-Horse

The girls spy on Nicholas during his music therapy with “Jammin’ Jen”.  Meanwhile, across town, Rosie and Juicy have their own play date and they hunker down at the counter for some steak and to discuss the emotionally intense “equonics experience.”  Juicy corrects Rosie and calls it “ebonics”.  Oy, these two…Rosie feels great after the experience and she is looking forward to hanging out with Juicy a bit more.  They get into a detailed discussion about surrogacy, Juicy wants a son, maybe they can implant his eggs in his mistress, then they try to split the atom and realize they “ain’t so good at this medical stuff.”

The Teresa/Jacs brain trust is working hard on the speech Jacs will deliver on autism.  There is steam coming out both of their ears.  Chris talks about the speech writing effort to the camera, but he can’t even keep a straight face.  It’s like the blind leading the blind.

Melissa and Joe travel to Manhattan to meet Johnny Wright, a big wig music manager who also manages Justin Timberlake.  Melissa prattles on about her passion for singing, and her goal is to be an ideal mom and wife as well.  Johnny bursts her bubble with the garnish spear from his drink and gives her the straight dope.  The record companies don’t give a wet shit about her family, they are going to invest in talent and they want a return on their investment.  She is going to have to WORK, not to be confused with TWERK!  Johnny also tells her that her music is disingenuous; all the “clubby” shit is incongruent with who she actually is and what her life is about.  So I guess her next cut will be called “Whiny Wannabe”.

Kathy has scored an in-store demo of her cannoli kit at Dylan’s Candy Bar in Manhattan.  It’s the big day and Kathy is stricken with laryngitis and she is in full throttle, pedal to the metal, nitro burnin’ bitch mode.  Richie is trying to help, but he drops her business cards all over and drops her only poster face down on the wet, greasy driveway.  Kill.  Him.  Now.

Justin Thorne, singer/songwriter and bubble bursting Johnny arrive at Melissa’s house to record a song called “Never Let Me Go”.  Melissa can’t lay the track down to save her dogs life and Johnny busts out a lecture, she needs to go away to his Orlando compound to work on her…ahem…skills.  And we use that term “skills” very loosely.  “The after school sessions are over”, Johnny says rather bluntly, once again bursting her delicate bubble with the toothpick he used to pick amateurs like her out of his teeth.

Back in Joysey, Caroline has a migraine and can’t possibly make it to the cannoli demo.  The event manager is pressing Kathy as to why her fambly attendance is dodgy at best, translation = where are the cast mates people actually want to see?  Finally, the rest of the vile gang shuffles in.  Jacs shows support for Kathy by molesting a pastry bag full of cannoli filling and piping it right into her pie hole.  Because.  That’s.  So.  Sanitary.  Careful Jacs, you don’t want to bust a suture on that fresh tummy tuck!  Teresa describes the cannoli kit as “edible” and tries not to roll her eyes.  As if selling pre-packaged dry pasta with Avery labels printed on your inkjet printer in an abandoned warehouse in Joysey is better?

It’s the day of the autism event sponsored by the beverage that even starving children in Somalia wouldn’t drink BLK Water.  Teresa is faithfully by Jacs’ side, sporting her home made “Milania Hair Care” hat, complete with missing bedazzles.  Jacs give her speech and everyone gets teary eyed and I guess it’s a big success?  The best part of this whole storyline was Lauren Manzo wiping out on her ass on the basketball court.  AMIRIGHT?!?!?!

Let’s wrap up this snooze fest with a Melissa and Joe date night.  Melissa tells Joe about having to go to Orlando to work on her vocals, to which Joe scoffs.  But wait, we interrupt this scintillating marital debate to bring you a sighting of Penny, the warbled wig wrangler.  Melissa takes the opportunity to approach Penny at the bar and Joe toddles along behind her. 

Penny-confront

They confront Penny and she throws her highly flammable synthetic ponytail over her shoulder and proceeds to throw Teresa under the bus, backs it up and runs her over three times for good measure.  Teresa is behind the cheating rumors and she can prove that she and Teresa are “friends” because she has Tre on speed dial.  [Insert sound of needle scratching off of record here]  Can we just backtrack and talk about the synthetic my little pony for a minute?  It looked like second-rate Barbie hair, the kind that I used to melt in my mother’s curling iron when I would try to style the dolls hair.  Whew, thanks for letting me get that off my chest, so anyhoo…Penny alleges that Teresa is behind the Melissa rumors and Penny is mad as hell and she isn’t going to take it anymore.

There is no “I” in Fambly

Champs with raspberries all around!  Miraval resort and spa has changed everyone, but wait…Caro Manzo brings us back to earth.  This could be the same ol’ song and dance, they have been in this place before, cheering, eating raspberries, cleaning the slate, wearing bad fashion.  She suggests that anyone in the group who still feels un-cleansed should speak now or forever hold their peace.  Joe cocks his fedora, prepared to spearhead the last chance cleanse, “I’m not happy” he says, and he emotionally lets loose on his sister about the allegations made by Penny the crypt keeper.  They argue, it escalates, and Joe, the little menace to society that could, smashes his champs glass to the ground!  Flash back 12 hours…oh I love when the housewives gets all “Lost” on us and tells the story in flashbacks…

Joe wakes Melissa up and starts doing a stripper move called “the dip” whereby he puts his “d*ck in a box” in her face and gyrates like a piston.  She shoves him away and then he starts sucking on her toes.  Teresa walks in, she sits down on the bed and presents Melissa with a gift of black panties with a bedazzled peace sign on them.  The panties aren’t even in a box or gift bag or anything, just loose, twirling around her finger.  This is hella awkward, although Melissa looks relieved that Teresa walked in and put an end to the teabagging “the dip”.  Joe takes a whiff of the panties and deems them suitable for wearing, I bet $5 Melissa throws the sprinkle panties right in the trash.

The dip

The Wakile’s hike up a mountain and Rosie says “I gotta tell ya’, I’m all f*cked up from that horse shit.”  Yes, Rosie, we are too.  Wyatt was amazing the way he called all of you out on your flaws within three seconds.  Rosie and Kathy commiserate, Kathy is still a bit burnt about Rosie sticking up for her during the drum circle activity.  Hey give it a rest Kath, you want Brass Knuckle Rosie in your corner no matter what.  She will go downtown to Chinatown for your ass.  Rosie is very emotional, she has no one in her life telling her how wonderful she is, she throws a couple of water bottles into the bushes to relive her stress and then Kathy gathers them because she doesn’t want to litter.  But she is not a doormat!

Al and Caroline go off for a couples massage and Caro is again suffering from a migraine.  They discuss the amazeballs horse shit from the day before and Al said he would have opened up even more if he had been alone with Wyatt.  Albert says that he took the best of what his dad taught him and tried to instill that in his own children, even though they embark on undercapitalized ventures that are long shots.  Solid.  Business.  Strategy.

The other men hit the pool for some good ol’ fashioned fun.  They start horsing around immediately and chase people away.  I can’t imagine why.  The sight of Richie is enough to send anyone in for some extra equine sessions with Wyatt.

Richie-Pool

Joe offers up a toast to Juicy and tells him he loves him and he’s a good guy.  Joe is impressed at Juicy’s ability to bring down his arrogance and be real.  So looks like the guys are on the mend.

The ladies head off for some zennis tennis, the instructor tells them to check their egos at the gate.  Doesn’t she know these broads don’t check anything, not their hair, their eye makeup, their outfits, nor their balance at the ATM machine.  Teresa drops down and does 20 pushups, because that is so the opposite of ego, and they prep for a rousing round of doubles.  The women are getting very competitive on the tennis court and the strains on the relationships are showing.  Teresa and her camel toe are totally pissed when they lose.

The next activity is the high wire ropes course where two people will go up and will need to depend on each other to get across.  Joe and Teresa climb up to go for it first, they take about five steps and bam…relationship healed!  Rich and Kathy try next and fall off immediately.  Teresa wants Melissa to take off her fedora and neon fringy bikini top and try the course with her.  Melissa agrees to trust Teresa, just for today.  They are up on the wires, shaking, but they actually make it the farthest.  Meanwhile, down on ground level, Joe continues to read disparaging tweets from Penny the wobbly wig lady.  Haven’t these people ever heard of “unfollow”?

Everyone preps for evening dinner and birthday girl, Melissa, arrives fashionably late in a glittery romper from the J.C. Penney Solid Gold Dancer Collection.  The gang all reminisces about the equine therapy, and then Juicy tells some totally inappropriate story about his father’s crooked schlong much to Jacs liking.  Melissa blows out the candles on her cake and reveals to the audience that her birthday wish is that the gossip would stop.  She then gives a toast and names everyone EXCEPT TERESA.  Caroline watches this, rather scornfully, with that look like she’s about to spew some speech about “FAMBLY” and make them hug it out.

Melissa-toast

Okay so we have made it back to where we left off at the top o’ the hour.  Champs and raspberries for everyone!  The Joes talk about how great it is that they have reconciled and Teresa says she feels “like a lot of zen.”  Juicy tells her to “shut the f*ck up with the zen” and everyone laughs.  Caro continues to look at everyone scornfully, she busts out her lecture from the top of the show and Joe starts his final cleanse again.  Joe reveals that he believes Teresa did tell other people things about Joe and Melissa.  Teresa denies any involvement and immediately wants to drop it.  What Teresa doesn’t seem to understand here is that Teresa was privy to all this shit talking and never defended Joe or Melissa.  So even if she didn’t talk shit, she still let it happen.  As Dr. V told her, when you do that, then you’re the asshole.

Joe-Freakout

Jacs doesn’t like this fighting, need more champs and a fuzzy bear blanket, she looks like the cheese just fell off her cracker.  Juicy defends Teresa and then he and Joe get into it.  Joe yells at Teresa and throws his champs glass.  Melissa is pissed and manhandles him out of the room calling him “an idiot”  Always the victim, Teresa says “the glass almost went in my eye!” even though Joe threw it nowhere near anyone.

Caroline takes the opportunity to lecture more, Kathy jumps in about trust and shutting out the outsiders talking crap.  Somehow, the unit turns around and they all rally together to go confront the outsiders as a family unit.  Even Al Manzo waves his “power to the people” fist.  Whew…I’m glad we got that worked out.  Cosmos for everyone!  United we stand divided we fall.  Get it done.  Wow, this is opposite world.  Usually the drunk switch goes into the “nothing good can come from this” position.  We will see how long the new “team” lasts.  Next week, Kathy gets stood up at her cannoli event and more rumor milling.

Hoofin’ It

We are still stuck in the desert at the Miraval resort for the damned.  Melissa is tired of all this, like, healing stuff and she wants more drinky time by the pool.  Jacs and Chris discuss the Teresa karma-gate comment, but they don’t have much privacy because Teresa comes powerwalking around the corner and does a cheerleading hurkey up onto the ledge next to their table.  Sidebar:  Creepy.  Oh, and I’m getting really tired of Jacs giggling about everything like it’s the funniest damn thing she has ever seen.

Joe bee bops around the corner to round everyone up for the equine therapy sesh.  All the greezy guidos think they are going horseback riding, but the equine therapist Wyatt, has other plans.  Chris Laurita jumps up to go first and they start with an exercise where he has to lift the horse’s foot and scrape the hoof with a small tool.  An actual, tool, not Juicy Joe.  Wyatt explains that the horse only responds to authenticity.  Teresa better stand back, she’s going to get bucked in her sizzle tan teeth.  Chris is successful with Mr. Ed because he is not guarded.  Richie keeps cracking jokes and Wyatt offers a precision counterblast, “he cracks jokes so he doesn’t have to pay attention to how he feels!”  Dayum, this guy is like a southwestern Svengali.

Wyatt

Rosie takes her chances and Wyatt starts analyzing her to tears.  Rosie is worried she “won’t have the touch”, which translates to feeling like she is not good enough.  After a total nerve collapse and saving herself about $10K in therapy bills, she has success with the horse.

Melissa volunteers next and she reveals she is anxious and worried the horse will pee on her.  She does a curtsey and then decides to “whore stroll” up to the horse.  Wyatt calls her out and tells her she puts everyone else’s needs before her own and then feels resentful.  “There’s a difference between being nice and being manipulative”, Wyatt tells her.  She is basically “running a game” because she is only nice in order to get what she wants.  Annnd…her fedora is squeezing her brain.  Melissa can’t handle the horse or Wyatt’s spot on analysis of her horrid personality, so Joe and Teresa step up to help.  Teresa is freaking out and she and Melissa run away from the horse.  Off camera, Caroline bottom lines it, they are not capable of opening up in front of anyone.

Teresa-freaking

Richie is giving it a try and Juicy walks off to take a phone call.  Teresa quickly follows him, (flashback to the vineyard).  Although, it’s not his mistress, it’s Milania demanding to know why her hair care line sales are down.  Meanwhile, Wyatt is analyzing Richie’s rage and Kathy is always holding her feelings inside.  Kathy gets right up to the horse and does her thing and Wyatt points out how she doesn’t even show how proud she is of herself.

Jacs is up next and she is already crying, which is almost more annoying than her giggling.  She gets the horse to raise its hoof and Wyatt tells her to let the tears come, Teresa actually offers her a hug and we get a glimpse of what it used to be like with these two estranged pals.  Juicy is up next and the horse moves away from him.  Wyatt asks what his fear is and he admits he is afraid of the legal “motor vehicle issue” he has going on.  The horse finally cooperates and the gang marvels at Juicy’s honesty.  “When you have acknowledged your fear, it stops having power over you,” our wise Wyatt tells Juicy.  Remember that advice during your delousing, Juice man!

Caroline and Al take their turn.  Wyatt tells Al he feels a kinship and asks Al if he was emotionally abused.  He answers “yes” and starts to cry.  Caroline and Al get the horse hoof right away.  The takeaway is to be more vulnerable and it’s a sad ass day when Juicy is willing to be more vulnerable than Melissa and Teresa.

Richie and Kathy have a productive discussion about the session, while Teresa and Melissa bash on the whole experience and act as if they don’t need therapy.  Caroline hits it on the head “Melissa and Teresa are the same person, they just cannot open up, they’re so superficial.”  Chris and Jacs discuss the horse experience and Chris thinks there was something deeper in Jacs’ tears, the horse represents Teresa and Jacs is afraid of being kicked.

Teresa hops into the hot tub while wearing her barely there, chuckelina of the desert bikini.  It is here we learn that Juicy is an ass man.  Juicy discusses his concerns with his loving wife and Teresa commends him for discussing his fear in front of everyone.  For about 20 seconds, their relationship actually seemed genuine.  Who knew there were feelings dwelling deep inside that boiling Mucinex slug?

Next up is the drum circle and they all get into it.  Afterwards, Rosie makes an announcement that the gang doesn’t give Kathy the support she deserves.  This only pisses Kathy off more because, damn it, she can assert her own self!  Teresa tells the camera Kathy “is having one of her Marcia, Marcia, Marcia moments.”  Well that’s reunion fodder if I’ve ever seen it.

Later, the gang retreats to Joe’s luxury suite to pound down some more drinks and Juicy suggests that they re-enact the equine therapy and he be the horse and Caroline be the psychiatrist.  Joe starts “horsing around” and jumps on Juicy like a little jockey.

Juicy-horse

We interrupt this bromantical moment to bring you the “burning ceremony”!  Teresa wants Jacs to go outside and write little things on little pieces of paper and burn them in a little fire.  They start to discuss things that they still hate about each other, such as Jacs’ hair.  She has some serious bed head going on.  Jacs brings up the karma comment, but Teresa dismisses it.  They pretend to write things down and Jacs keeps giggling, then they take turns scraping each other’s hooves.

Jacs-hooves

Next week, it’s not all rainbows and cronuts.  There’s some high wire walking, nasty tweets, a snub, and more Manzo lecturing.