Play. The. Effing. Tape. Back!

It’s our final installment of the reunion, and quite frankly I am ready for a break.  While I love exercising my creative writing skills, I will be submitting something to the Bravo suggestion box, let’s make it a one part supersized reunion.  That way we can all put on our comfiest sweat pants and inhale it all in one sitting.  I found part three to be a bit of a bore, aside from Nene showing up in her outfit plucked straight off the rack from the Layne Bryant “Cher” collection.  Let’s get right into the low lights:

  1. The Attack of Nene

Nene doesn’t disappoint in her nude-illusion crystal encrusted jumpsuit, and she has the attitude and plenty of RHOATL “pearls of wisdom” regarding friendship.  We flash back on some of Nene’s various fights, flashing her Petco teeth, making ungodly faces, and hurling nasty insults.  But hey, “we’re all friends now” is the overall theme, and if that is the truth Ms. Leakes, I suggest you leave on a high note and fire your stylist…STAT!  Cynthia runs backstage to fire up her portable ditto machine…Friendship contracts for everyone!

Nene bodysuit

  1. Chateau Shereé vs. Moore manor

Neither woman had their home finished by Christmas, so they both lost the bet…SHOCKER!  Moore Manor is still “in the gully where the ogres live”, but Kenya claims she will be moved in within a week.  She by Shereé will be done in a month, and I don’t believe either of them.  Matt, slap another patch on the air mattress, you might be able to move in by Thanksgiving 2021.

  1. Frick and frack

OHAC lovingly dubs Phaedra and Porsha as “Frick and Frack”, they are BFFN and they bring out the best THOT in each other.  We revisit the evolution of Porsha – she is single, likes to have a good time, and shake her ass.  That certainly doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have class!  We might need the Countess to weigh in on that one!  The best part of all of this is the clip of Phaedra on the beach, giving zero Phucks that her back fat is showing, while making animal noises like a rabid cat caught in a beaver trap.

Frick and Frack.jpg

  1. House Hubs and a Half

The house hubs join the stage, but quite frankly, it’s not the same without Gregg Leakes.  If wanting Gregg to be on stage, rattling off the crazy shit rolling around in his brain is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right!  We learn that Matt and Kenya are in love and ready to move their air mattress inside of Moore Manor.  Peter looks like there wasn’t enough tranquilizer in the dart, but denies he is under the influence of any chemical substances.

  1. Chrissy-Gate

Chris is on stage to respond to all the “fruity or gay” trash talking and he offers a response that demonstrates he is confident in his manhood.  Kim basically calls Kenya an asshole for assassinating his character.  Nene jumps in and says Chris was yelling at the women on the party bus, snapping up in a circle, etc.  To which Chris responds that he was mocking them.  I am a bit disappointed in the lead up to the “Play.  The.  Effing.  Tape.  Back!” moment.  Kenya said the rumors of Chris being called Chrissy existed 10 years ago, which Kim can’t align on the time table.  Production plays the effing tape back and Kenya says 20 years, which proves her time-frame is off, but then it’s dropped like a hot sack o’ vomit.

OHAC chimes in and he is quite pissed that the women are gay bashing and being derogatory all for the sake of drama, and notes it’s not a good look.  Is OHAC actually sick of his own creation?!?!?

Chris said all the women have apologized, except Kenya.  She musters up a half-assed apology “if, somehow that was offensive to you …”  OHAC cuts her off at the weave “that is a crappy apology!”  Well, consider the crap-pile of a source!

Chrissy

  1. Who called da’ FEDS?

After all the hullaballoo about “who called da’ FEDS”, we get to play another tape back and it turns out Kandi blurted out on WWHL that Apollo had stuff at her house and Cynthia’s.  This means that somewhere…there is a Secret Service Agent who has the job of watching reality TV shows to discover suspicious activity…where do I sign up?

An argument ensues between Kandi and Phaedra about the money she owed Todd.  Then Todd jumps down Phaedra’s weave and we are faced with the cold, hard reality that these two ladies will never be BFFL again.

  1. Anger Management

We play another effing tape back and see Porsha chasing down one of her employees in the alley during Phaedra’s holiday party.  Porsha felt Jami was being disrespectful, so that warranted a chase, a weave pull, and a beat down in a back alley.  Phaedra notes that Porsha has been going to anger management counseling, which opens the door for all the other ladies to attack Porsha for basically sucking at anger management.  Porsha points out that Kenya hurled some pretty nasty insults at this reunion [tru ‘dat], and she held it together.  The night ain’t over yet…SECURRRITYYYYYY!

Nene gives Porsha a mini-lecture, to which Porsha deflects, “didn’t you choke someone?”  And then in the finest masterstroke of witchery, Nene replies “If I did, I was smart enough not to do it on camera.”  That’s right…everybody knows if you gon’ choke a ho’, do it on the down LOW!

  1. The World According to Phaedra

OHAC asks Phaedra to round out the sesh with some positive Phaedra-ism and she gives us a gem about having the opportunity to be seen by millions of people and to be such an influence.  Something about “using power wisely”, “we are winners”, blah, blah, blah.  Annnnd with that…I will leave you with this image to try and scrape off your brain:

Phaedra Porsha THOTS

Well, that’s all folks.  I hope you enjoyed the season and my snarky recaps!  Catch y’all on the flip-side!