Around the Block

Around and around we go, which ex will return, which old feud will erupt, which product launch will fail, NOBODY KNOWS!  Cynthia and Noelle are playing a rousing game of tennis, whereby Cynthia is amazed she can even make contact with the ball.  They take a break after five minutes and Cynthia tells Noelle that the upcoming L.A. trip will be, not only to look at colleges and take a meetin’ with her baby daddy, Leon, but Cynthia has hereby appointed Noelle as the fresh face of her new “Cargo” bag line!  Noelle is ready to ride on her mother’s coat tails, but wait, it involves talking to people and like, standing and stuff?!?!  At the launch event, Noelle is glued to her phone and complaining that her feet hurt, like a good li’l millennial.  Cynthia tells her that life hasn’t even begun to kick her ass yet, and she better suck it up buttercup!

pity-train

After the event, Leon takes Cynthia and Noelle to dinner, but Noelle cuts out right after the appetizer to attend a concert.  The real question here is, what happened to Cynthia and Leon, why are they not together?!?!  #teamleonamiright!  Cynthia breaks down in tears over her pending divorce and cries off her false eyelashes, Leon tells her that she looks beautiful without any makeup.  Cynthia, what more do you need?

Kandi pays a visit to her Mama Joyce and she sets up Baby Ace in a really cool, rotating baby seat.  While Ace chills in his contraption, Mama Joyce is all about da’ Benjamins!  Her two burning questions, does she get paid for babysitting and is Block going to cough up the $50K he owes Kandi in child support?  I love me some bat-shit crazy Mama Joyce, but holy buckets o’ ballz does she have a one-track mind.  Take a look around at that all expenses paid, fully furnished, 10,000 square foot house you rompin’ around in!  As they discuss Block, Mama Joyce goes full throttle off the edge and her wig-lette starts spinning!  This subject matter of clearly infuriates her.  She wants Block to get an “LLC: Lien, License, or Cash!”  While Mama Joyce focuses on counting coins, I am still mesmerized by the baby seat and wondering if they make them for adults!

mama-joyce-babysit

Phaedra and Kenya appear to be in a “good place”, but they are not “friendship contract” status just yet.  Phaedra fishes around for information on the confrontation between Kenya and She by Shereé and suggests Kenya owes an apology.  Phaedra cuts to the chase and discusses why she really invited Kenya out for tea and crumpets.  She is getting ready for her Phaedra Foundation camp and wants former Miss Michigan to be involved, even though Kenya is crazy as a bedbug.  These two can act as cordial as they want, but trading shade while talking in their indoor, irrational skank voices does not a friendship make.

phaedra-kenya-tea

Bob invites She by Shereé to dinner and Bob is dressed like he just rolled out of Mickey Rourke’s hotel room and She by Shereé is dressed to kill.  As he escorts her up to the “Loving Hut” vegan cuisine in a strip mall, She by Shereé is insulted.  He needs to cough up some serious surf and turf if he is trying to woo himself a room at Chateau Shereé.  What a waste of an outfit and a top knot.  Bob the Buffoon suggests the KFC down the block if she wants meat, but she agrees to enter the Loving Hut with much trepidation.  Bob the Buffoon orders a burger and asks for bacon.  She by Shereé has had it with his crazy eye and stupid jokes, she walks him through a half-assed apology and he finally gets a grip.  He takes a moment to firm his resolve and quell any misgivings and actually apologizes for cheating on She by Shereé and contaminating their indoor hot tub.  She accepts his apology and attempts to say a few words, but Bob is drooling like a half-wit over her titty glitter.  Food arrives, they take two bites, and beat feet to the KFC.

sheree-bob

Phaedra feels that laser tag would be a fun activity for the ladies and to discuss her Phaedra Foundation, but all they are focused on is poppin’ caps in each other’s assess.  After they run around and terrorize the staff, they sit down to discuss creating a pop-up shop so each lady can peddle their inferior wares to raise money for the children.  Ironic that Porsha, of all people, comments that selling Bedroom Kandi dildos to raise money for children is wildly inappropriate.

Phaedra’s main tactical error at said meeting is asking if Kenya and She by Shereé can co-exist in harmony.  This sets off a chain of events that appears to last for several minutes.  Kenya and She by Shereé start arguing, food arrives and Kandi is immediately stress eating, and her chewing is so audible that Kenya takes a moment to snap at her as well.  The “Bitch” and “Ho” insults are tired, as Kandi points out, “everyone has had a bitch or ho moment in life”.  Kenya throws an insult about She by Shereé’s “tired Mama Joyce wig” and Kandi’s head spins around 10 times and she is forced to put down her chicken Caesar wrap.  Mouth full, she spews “don’t you be talkin’ about my MAMA!”  Kenya and She by Shereé agree to chill and behave, for the sake of the children.

kandi-eatin

To wrap up the drama this week, Kandi takes Mama Joyce out for a manicure to repay her for watching Baby Ace rotate in his baby seat.  Mama Joyce takes a moment to inform Kandi that she has found her new BFF and her name is Moscato!  When she drinks it, she can conquer the world!  Foreshadowing???  What timing, Block makes his producer mandated call and says he wants to have a sit down with Kandi about co-parenting.  Mama Joyce jumps in and begins to give him a Moscato read!  She wants that $50K!  Kandi is appalled and tells him he should be working on his relationship with 14-year-old Riley – directly!  He delivers the standard Narcissistic rhetoric, claims he’s been calling, but they don’t call him back, blah, blah, blah!  Mama Joyce wins moment of the night when she starts making the international hand gesture for “show me the money and make it rain up in here!”  Block gets angry and says he’s “not chasin’ nobody”.  Kandi points out if he was the dad he was supposed to be, he wouldn’t have to worry about lack of communication.  He rolls up every two years saying he’s going to do better, but to no avail.  They hang up, Kandi vents, and enters dangerous “ugly cry” territory.  Just as Mama Joyce is about to pipe up, Kandi puts the kibosh on the conversation, because unlike Cynthia, she will not be crying off her falsies!

Next week, off roadin’, Matt punching walls at Moore Manor, She by Shereé’s son is caught driving while high, and Phaedra receives a grenade at her office!

Stumbling Blocks

Phaedra, Porsha, and She by Shereé roll into an Italian restaurant for some lunch, all wearing work out gear and ordering up thick cut bacon to replace any fat they inadvertently burned off while walking in from the parking lot.  Phaedra announces something about sporting camel toe, which is unavoidable for these three.  I think I can hear the faint screams of the spandex.  Phaedra fills them in on her amicable lunch with Kenya and how Miss Kenya is behaving these days.  “That’s what a li’l dick will do”, declares Counselor Parks.  She by Shereé clarifies, “a little dick, or like a little dick?”  Visual:  She by Shereé holding her index finger and thumb about an inch apart.  That’s what a li’l steroids will do!

Meanwhile, Matt and Kenya appear to have mended their relationship for now, that’s what doing a few squats in the unfinished lawn will do!  Kenya is recounting something about her current disdain with the universe, Matt looks off into the distance, wondering what type sauce he’s gonna dip his chicken fingers into at lunch time.

Matt lets Kenya out of the car and refers to her as “Miss America”, and I can’t help but wonder why her head didn’t spin around 12 times after all her season one “It’s Miss USA” drama.  They head into a restaurant to meet Matt’s parents and sister.  The sister is the tough critic and has Kenya sized up in about a milli-second and nobody is buying her canned Miss USA answers.  Matt’s sister asks Kenya if she considers herself a cougar, and as we watch Kenya seething in her seat, Matt stares off into the distance, wondering if he should get the sampler platter with the mini-tacos or the spicy pulled pork sliders.

matt-spaced-out

Later, Matt takes Kenya to Ohio for his family reunion and insists they drive because it’s only six hours.  Kenya would rather have every hair pulled out of her body simultaneously than get into the white Range Rover and be forced to complain for six hours and sleep for two.  At the reunion, we see Kenya in a full-on Beyoncé Lemonade ensemble, teaching the younger girls her moves.  Matt’s sister pulls her off the dance floor to once again express her apprehension about this relationship, mainly the age difference.  Matt’s mother saves the day and bounces over for a drunken selfie with her future daughter in law.  Deal sealed!

She by Shereé visits her ex, Bob Whitfield and he invites her in for a smoothie and to show off his revenge bod by way of thick-n-meaty thigs.  She by Shereé practically chokes on her smoothie, not because she finds Bob appealing, but because said smoothie is made of rotten fruit and expired Activia yogurt.  Bob breaks out into a full-blown flop sweat, like almost medically concerning.  He asks her if he can move into Chateau Shereé, but there isn’t enough Activia in all of the ATL that can make this proposition easier to digest.  She shoots him down and notes that the only thing she is hookin’ up with is some electricity!

sheree-smoothie

Cynthia is still reeling from her impending divorce and receives a visit from sister Malorie and her mother.  They sit for a chat and Malorie reveals that Papa Smurf is her new BFFL and has her on speed dial.  Cynthia’s mind is blown and it almost ignites her fedora.  Peter has confided in Mal that he misses Cynthia, but Cynthia is steadfast in her decision.  Guess he should’ve thought about that when he was being a shitty husband.

cynthia-malorie

In other ex- news, Phaedra and Porsha head out for a nature walk into the enchanted forest, wearing their favorite colors, bright and tight.  Porsha reveals she is considering hooking up with an ex-boyfriend for a sperm donation, she wants a baby damnit and why should she have to wait for a man?  She consults Counselor Parks to draft a “baby-nup”, but being the good BFF that she cautions Porsha against this idea.  Frick and Frack have the attention spans of gnats, to they quickly get sidetracked by a tree wearing a corset?

porsha-walk-woods

Later, Porsha invites her ex- boyfriend to a kickboxing class and before her tittie sweat can even dry, she is already asking him if he will provide a sperm donation.  Much to Porsha’s chagrin, he is not up for the task (pun kinda both intended and not intended).  Maybe Porsha should give a different ex a call…

At the Kandi Koated Factory, baby Ace is learning how to use a highlighter and planning a block party for the OLG Restaurant opening.  A woman named Kris Kelli pops in, Kandi and her gang are stunned.  Whomever this interloper is, she is not welcome and sends Todd walking away as if he has just been hit by a tranquilizer dart.  Kandi clarifies that this person is Kris Kelli, an artist who happens to be signed with Block.  I’m watching this thinking, Block… as in been around the…  New kids on the…   Kandi clarifies that Block is an ex and happens to be Riley’s father, so i.e., Kandi’s “baby daddy”.  Kris Kelli is also bangin’ Block and feels it is her civic duty to tell Kandi that Block and Riley need to mend their relationship.  Sensing the tension, Kandi pulls Kris into her office to sit in the hot pink pleather seat of truth.  Kris gives her a song and dance, Kandi gives her the patented “bitch ain’t havin’ it” expression and calls SECURITY to escort Miss Kris back where she came from.

kandi-sees-kris

Later, She by Shereé invites Kandi to “work out”, but we all know Kandi’s idea of working out is falling asleep on a yoga mat.  They work out for about three minutes and then cop a squat to have their producer mandated chat.  Kandi tells She by Shereé about the “pop in” visit from Kris and She by Shereé notes that all this time she has known Kandi, she has never heard a word about Block.  We also learn that Porsha used to “kick it” with Block.  Kick the can…kick ball?  Anyhoo, She by Shereé waxes philosophical, she doesn’t have a relationship with her father either and it give her a case of the sads.  Kandi gets upset as well, because she doesn’t want to do burpees and, well because Block blows.

kandi-work-out

We get a glimpse of the conversation happening in Block’s world as he discusses the Kandi/Riley situation with Kris and Kandi’s friend, Lena.  Block looks like he would smell like motor grease and conceit.  Of course, their narrative is the opposite, Block claiming he tried to be there for Riley.  Lena actually calls him out a bit and he does the side-step, backpeddle, shuffle.  If he really tried, then why is he sending his minion to do his dirty work?  In the WTF moment of the night, we see that Block has a Chevrolet logo tattooed on the front of his neck.

block

Next week, the ladies’ laser tag, Cynthia and her ex, Leon, have a chat, and Mama Joyce is ready to knock Block’s block off!

Baseboard Brawlin’

Phaedra and Porsha arrive at the housewarming abyss, Kenya twirls over and summons Porsha outside for the uncomfortable conversation of the night.  “New Porsha” handled it calmly, the anger management sesh paid off.  We are treated to a history montage of Kenya calling security on various cast mates, which is several.  Phaedra and Porsha gracefully leave, what a waste of an outfit and a wig.

party-goers

Not to let a sleeping dog lie, She by Shereé kicks off her heels and sprints down the driveway and yells out “frick and frack”, bitch wants the low down and She by Shit Stirring is about to begin.  They spot Matt walking up the hill and cackle as they hike over to Chateau Shereé for the after-party.

matts-here

Matt and Kenya retreat to the bedroom so he can apply his half-assed apology for hulking out.  She hems and haws, he refers to her as his “queen”, which seems to be the magic word.  She decides that finding someone to put up with her brand of crazy and getting naked in front of someone new is too much work.  They return to the party and a cake in the shape of Moore Manor is served.  The cake is true to form – it looks pretty sad.

In Papa Smurf and Cynthia news, Cynthia is hanging out in her kitchen chatting with her daughter and Noelle questions if Cynthia has low self-esteem.  Honey, that hairstyle is enough to give me low self-esteem!

cynthia-esteem

Noelle doesn’t understand why her mother the supermodel would put up with so much shit from decrepit Papa Smurf for such a long time.  Cynthia is taken aback, but it’s the reality check she needs to verify she is making the right decision to call it quits.  Later, we see an emotional scene between Cynthia and Papa Smurf as the finalize their demise and he acquiesces to sign the paperwork.  As they part ways, Cynthia tells him his revenge bod looks good, he’s been workin’ out.  It’s a ruse Cynthia, burn the marriage contract (not the prenup) and RUN!

Over at the Kandi Koated Factory, Kandi and Todd are devising a way to capitalize on the birth of their son and have created yet another brand, “Raising Ace”.  They anticipate the best-selling product will be the full-size Koehler toilet seat.  Mama Joyce wanders in and, I shit you not, she is wearing her Walmart wedgie shoes of death and she is still sporting her wig from the Joyce DeWitt Collection.  Kandi dishes out the tea about Kenya’s ramshackle disaster of a housewarming party and Mama Joyce decides it will be Phaedra’s turn in the hot seat.  She feels Phaedra should be rotting in a cell alongside Apollo, how could she not have known he was up to no good?  “You see the man every day with a briefcase, but you don’t know where, you can’t call him at his office!”  It turns into a bit of a free-for-all at the Kandi Koated office after Mama Joyce proclaims that Phaedra could have been granted a divorce from the state of Georgia within two months due to Apollo’s prison time.  Kandi’s assistant quickly Google-checks the proclamation, comes up with something about a crime of moral turpitude, two years, and well, Mama is right!  One thing I know for sure, after Phaedra watches this footage of the Kandi Koated Factory crew slamming her, Kandi can kiss that friendship contract goodbye!

mama-joyce-sassin

Todd provides an update on the “Ol’ Lady Gang” restaurant and shocker – they are way behind construction schedule.  The OLG rolls up in the dirt parking lot to check out the construction site and Aunt Bertha is already wobbling out of the car muttering something about soupy grits.  Todd shows them around and puts on the hard sell since the place looks like a bomb went off, but the OLG seems impressed so far.

And now we get to the segment of dueling lunches!  Kenya and Phaedra meet for lunch, it seems these two are burying the hatchet and are well on their way to a permanent friend contract.  Meanwhile, across town, Porsha and She by Shereé are lunching at The Mill.  Porsha is going to plan some cockamamie event so she can invite Kenya and kick her out when she shows up.

The next day, Kenya has a hare-brained plan of her own to invite Cynthia and Kandi to a salon for some Brazilian “upkeep”.  Kenya is kinda nauseating, “now that Matt and I are back together, the bushes need to be trimmed.”  Ugh…PUKE!  Cynthia opts to have her arms waxed since her lawn doesn’t need to be mowed, anytime soon.  In the WTF moment of the episode, Cynthia is eating the sugar wax as if it were Lik-m-aid Fun Dip.  Kandi is wary, how would she know that the wax wasn’t in there from the last person’s “kitty kat?”  Umm…she wouldn’t, that’s why it’s ghastly and revolting.

fun-dip

It’s time for Porsha’s Bravo mandated event and they all gather at a mall storefront called the “Mystery Room”.  Everyone arrives in their yoga gear except for Cynthia and Kenya who breeze in wearing maxi-dresses, giant hats, and Cynthia Bailey Eyewear.  The purpose of the “Mystery Room” is to be locked in a tiny room for 30 minutes and work as a team to find and solve clues, leading them to the lock combination that will free them from said room.  Each room as a panic button they can press, which summons the poor chump stuck working the desk to enter said room and give them a freebie clue.

About ten seconds in, Team Porsha is ringing the clue button, and they continue to do so several more times.  After all is said and done, neither team succeeds and the party is breaking up.  This is the quickest get together I have ever seen, but wait…there’s more.  Before Kenya twirls on back to her un-done home, she decides she needs to “check a boo”.  Kenya confronts She by Shereé about all the trash talkin’ she did about Moore Manor and I can tell, now is NOT the time.  She by Shereé is in her workout gear and all pumped up.  She is wearing leggings as pants…need we say Moore?

leggins

They start going at it right out of the gate, it’s as if the Bravo intern prepped She by Shereé on the impending attack.  Get your best lines ready Shereé, the shit is goin’ down after you escape the Mystery Room!  It’s no tittie sweat off of her chest, She by Shereé is strong like bull.  She has an empty chateau full of insults for Kenya, and she zeroes in with laser-like focus on the lack of baseboards and trim at Moore Manor!  Kenya maintains “I don’t do trim!”  The acrylic fingernails of death are waiving, words “beyotch” and “HO” are peppered throughout the arguing!  Kenya throws out the “Chateau Thelma” jab, implying the house is in She by Shereé’s mothers name in an attempt to hide the assets from the IRS.  Geez, all we need now is Nene Leakes up in here, spewing some bitchy catchphrases from betwixt her Petco choppers!

Kenya has had enough and twirls out of the storefront, revealing her unsightly backfat.  She by Shereé wins line of the night – “bitch twirl on some mother*ckin’ baseboard!”

sheree-baseboard

Next week – an unwelcome Kandi Koated Factory visitor pops in, Matts sister labels Kenya a “cougar”, Papa Smurf is keeping in touch with Cynthia’s sister Malorie, and Kandi goes into the ugly cry.

Drop the Mic

It’s the conclusion of the RHNJ reunion and I don’t know about y’all, but this season has left me exhausted and bereft.  If one thing is clear, Tre does not have a solid command of the English language, she can’t even do “air quotes” correctly, and Jacs is a lamb in a wolf’s discounted clothing!  Let’s round up the low-lights and move on with our lives, shall we?

  1. Who called the IRS?

Tre backpedals a bit on her assertion that Jacs had the FEDs on speed dial and, hold the mortadella… Chris Laurita has emerged from the snack table to set the record straight!  Apparently, Juicy Joe had some bidness deal gone bad with someone who threatened to turn him in.  Chris happened to know this person and attempted to facilitate some sort of “meeting of the mind” to hash it out, but Juicy Joe blew it off in favor of burying his face in a bottle of vino.  So in Tre’s mind, guilt by association I guess!  Baaaaasiiidzzz….it doesn’t really maaaater nowwwuh…Tre had a great time at camp, no lady pond action, but she found her Zen and received plenty of PG-13 rated massages!  With Juicy Joe now inhabiting the slammer, he has lost 35 pounds is on the verge of an astounding six-pack.  See people…THE PRISON DIET WORKS!  I can see Tre and Juicy now – starring in a 3 a.m. infomercial.

  1. Deportation Station?

OHAC asks Tre about the possibility of Joe being deported.  Tre can’t discuss because it’s a legal matter and she doesn’t want to cry off her false eyelashes.  OHAC comments “you don’t want to give it life”.  Oh Andy you hard-hitting broadcaster…you crystallized her thoughts eloquently!  Tre repeats what he just said and Andy praises her – yes folks, praises her for stating the Response.  He.  Just.  Fed.  Her.  Like.  Cured.  Salty.  Meat.

tre-hands-up

  1. Dolores Cantina – Long Overdue Voice of Reason

I think viewers will agree that Dolores is a welcome addition to this three-ring shit-show and has emerged as a healthy dose of much needed sanity.  She had a few notable quotables this round:

  • “Emotions do not travel in rational channels.” I think she should get that as a tramp stamp.
  • “If you need security and you need to remove the knives from the table, there shouldn’t be a lunch.”
  • Can Tre and Jacs ever be friends again, Dolores? “They would both need a lobotomy.”  I think they should have a lobotomy, regardless…jus’ sayin’!

mic-drop

  1. Do We Even Care Anymore?

We have a flashback of Tre and Jacs’ friendship over the seasons… from young, fresh-faced mothers of toddlers to the haggard, surgically-altered, venom spewing frenemies of tweens.  Face it ladies, you had a good run, but it’s ova!  What’s the ol’ cliché?  Some people come into our lives for a reason, a season, to commit treason, or to be cool for a while and then go batshit?  Jacs is at a turning point and must accept the fact that even the best of friends sometimes outgrow each other.  On the elevator of life, sometimes you have to stop and let a few people off on your way to the top.  Or let a few jump ship while plummeting 60 floors to your untimely death, whichever comes first.

footprints

Jacs – you have found your new station in life – Andy’s beyotch:

jacs-shoe-tie

And with that, I drop my mic!

I Smell a Rat

They should’ve held this reunion at Rails, because I am sure it will be going off of them shortly.  The ladies are caterwauling like hyena’s in heat, so let’s round up the low-lights:

  1. Dolores gets her wings and a new BFF

Dolores has cut financial ties from her ex, Frank the tank, but some of the housewives would like to see them rekindle their romance.  Tre says “no way”, once the P has met another V, all bets are off!

Dolores and Siggy became fast friends, it turns out when Siggy donated her breast implants back to science, they were then implanted in Dolores’ ass.  They have finally found their way home!

We also learn that Siggy put herself through college by waiting tables at TGI Friday’s.  I bet she had a lotta “flair”!

flair

She bought herself a yellow Honda Prelude with a personalized license plate, SIGEE.  She put a slash with magic marker over the second E – SIGEÉ!  Now that’s resourcefulness!

OHAC asks Siggy, relationship expert, what she thinks of Milania’s constant bad behavior and sassing of her parents.  Siggy thinks it’s great, Milania is her spirit animal, “Milania is ME!”  I can see it now, I will be old and gray in the retirement home watching Milania’s show on Bravo!

  1. Tre made it back to the reunion couch

Tre and her hairline made it back to the reunion couch, when she thought last year would be her final sit down.  But you best believe she did not make her triumphant return in a damn Ford, ahem…would you?

In a WTMI moment, here is a li’l nugget, which elicited these faces:

faces

OHAC compliments Joe Gorga on being naked this season.  I am sure Andy grabbed some footage from the cutting room, sans the modesty box, and has it saved as a GIF on his iPhone.  We also learn that Joe Gorga lost his virginity at nine years old.  That’s right people, NINE!  Not even two hands worth of fingers.  And if that wasn’t dreadful enough, Tre walked in on this happening (she was 11), and continued to use the information to manipulate her brother into his early twenties.  This li’l reveal makes me want to hurl more than the presidential election results.

  1. Sprinkle Cookiegate

Jacs is being her usual drain on society and manages to route the discussion down the ancient path of strippergate and sprinkle cookie gate.  Tre clarifies that she did not in fact throw away Melissa’s sprinkle cookies, but another fambly member did the deed.  She covered for that fambly member because she felt bad for Melissa seeing as how she was pregnant with raging hormones and must have been completely out of her mind when she purchased them.  I’m still not entirely clear on what is wrong with sprinkle cookies!  Jacs somehow inserts herself back into the story and it leads to the resuscitation of strippergate.  Tre blames Jacs for strippergate and believes it is the sole reason Jacs didn’t show up to the reunion in 2011.  Jacs clarifies that she did not attend the reunion because her son was regressing and she felt the environment was too toxic.  As opposed to…being on the show the rest of the season?  Jacs really annoys me and I am not sure what she’s doing on this show anymore other than scrapping for a Bravo paycheck.

jacs-coocoo

  1. Cheatergate

Accusations start flying about Chris cheating on Jacs, Joe cheating on Tre, they start calling each other liars and then Tre drops the ultimate bomb of destruction, which Bravo has promo’ed all week “YOU SET ME UP!”  Tre believes Jacs and Caroline had the IRS on speed dial and were the informants responsible for her demise.  Jacs is completely stunned, and rightfully so.  Melissa defers to Siggy the relationship expert, but her expert opinion falls on deaf ears, and ugh that hairline.

Next week – a shocking conclusion.  Thank goodnes, that means it’s only two parts!

Dust and Shade

The ATL is back, peaches!  Although off to a slow start, I have hopes that She by Shereé will bring back some pot-stirring sass.  Let’s start with thorough analysis of the new tag lines:

  • Phaedra – you can’t always get what you want, but I can. If what you want is to marry a convict and sleep on an air mattress.
  • Porsha – I’m too blessed to be stressed, and too sexy to be thirsty. Beauty fades, but stupid is FO’ EVA’!
  • Cynthia – Cynthia Bailey is ready to walk it alone. You should have RUN out of your wedding ceremony!
  • Kandi – Now that I’ve got my Ace, I have a full house. And a full potty too!
  • Kenya – I give the people what they want, and they always want Moore. Moore of your big booty bullshit.
  • She by Shereé – Don’t call it a comeback, call it a takeover. After all, who gon’ check her, BOO?

gon-check-me-boo

Kandi welcomed her baby Ace on 1/6/16, now he’s five months old and already potty training.  He gon’ have to learn it anyway, why not right outta the chute?  And I’m not talking about a kiddie potty, they have this baby propped up on their adult, oversized Kohler.  Sidebar:  Kandi is sporting some serious “I dream of genie hair” in her floating head interviews.

Across town, Moore Manor is still under construction, shocker.  Kenya calls it “a hot mess, like Porsha without makeup!”  Kenya dated Matt for about a year, but she dumped his ass because he snooped in her cell phone and hulked out in a hotel room.  As if her life isn’t in enough of a ramshackle disaster, she decides to host a housewarming party for her un-done home in T-minus 10 days?  And well, because who needs furniture to party?

In other dueling un-done home news, Chateau Shereé is about finished up, she just needs to spend about a million dollars in accessories.  Shereé wants a show stopper – all who enter will drop their faces off and she will even hire a butler to dust and help people pick up their faces.  She is not to be outdone!

Phaedra is busily getting on with her single life, she has hired a new “Goveness” a.k.a nanny, and she is still besties with Porsha.  As the two are kibitzing about the freaks on “Christian Mingle” over lemonade, a man with a horse drawn carriage delivers a tiara and invitation to Kenya’s housewarming party.  Porsha is not invited, so Phaedra gets the pot simmering by inviting Porsha as her date.

Porsha sees an anger management coach and confesses she was bullied in high school and became depressed and suicidal.  The counselor is like Stonewall Jackson, he gives her a blank, mouth-breathing, stare.  He looks like he’s thinking about how much data he has left on his cellular plan for the month.  He points out some valid points to consider, she is resilient for surviving the bullying in her youth, she must think about her reputation and career now that she is footin’ her own bills, and finally the most valuable lesson of all, short and tight is not her color.

Cynthia is the only one really dealing with anything newsworthy, and that is filing for divorce from Papa Smurf.  She wants to keep the house, which is in her name and she has a prenup that is probably filed away in a safe at her mother’s house along with the marriage license.  Cynthia puts on her best denim shreds and Urkel glasses to pay a visit to her divorce attorney.  He advises her to find the prenup, STAT…hopefully she didn’t accidentally burn it along with that friendship contract.

cynthia-divorce

It’s the night of the big housewarming and Cynthia is first to arrive, she’s appalled at the condition of Moore Manor.  Kenya’s minions are scurrying around, pulling shrink wrap off the furniture and the only semblance of hors d’oeuvres is a half-eaten can of wet dog food on the counter.  Kenya’s home isn’t the only thing unfinished, she forgot half of her outfit.  She is one hot second away from a catastrophic wardrobe malfunction.

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Cynthia points out the flailing Mylar balloons in the corner that say “I love you” and are from Matt in a half-assed apology attempt.  Nothing says “I’m sorry for snooping through your phone and acting like a ‘roided out psycho in Mexico” like deflated silver hearts.

Cynthia heads downstairs to greet the guests on the makeshift red carpet, while Kenya dabs her tears with a nearby shop towel.  She by Shereé arrives and starts reading every square foot of Moore Manor, as expected.  See, all that sweeping She by Shereé was doing at her un-done home last season paid off!

Kenya is giving everyone a tour, but She by Shereé wants a hard had, dust mask, and a fan.  “Even the dogs had “tittie sweat.”  Kenya picks up on the shade and reiterates “it’s a soft opening”.  Next time, try a soft dust cloth.  All the ladies have dust all over their rented jumpsuits.

Next week, Porsha and Phaedra enter and Matt crashes the party.  She by Shereé cackles in delight, but like she says, who gon’ check me, boo?

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