Chocolate Puddin’

As usual, the last 15 minutes are the only real substance here, but we have a few things to cackle about, so let us wade through the nonsense and get to the good stuff…

Kenya and Cynthia stop by Claw-dia’s apartment to confirm she is not homeless; luckily, the Bravo Production Assistants buzzed by Rent-A-Center and got her some pre-assembled furniture.  The ladies sit down to gossip and Claw-dia breaks down the Dish Nation party, while breaking down herself.  She weeps…the stress…high school…can’t take it anymore.  Claw-dia…HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?  Have you seen this show?  Let the chips fall where they may, but Claw-dia stands in her truth, which is that Porsha is a straight up ho.

Later, Claw-dia meets with Rickey Smiley for advice with her struggles on-and off-air, Rickey encourages Claw-dia to give Porsha a blanket… apology that is…to dispel the awkwardness.  What better time than right now, Ricky summons Porsha to his office and asks her for some chewing gum.  Porsha produces a jar of gummy bears from her purse instead and Claw-dia cannot believe she has to make nice with this idiot.  They attempt to address the tension, but Porsha insists they don’t work together, they work “in passing”, and she is furious that Rickey is involved.  The ladies talk over one another before agreeing to squash the beef, for works sake only, and Rickey forces them to join hands in prayer.  Awkwardness.  Not.  Dispelled.

Kandi and Todd are packing up for L.A. because Todd hooked her up with a part in a movie called “Second Chance Christmas”, so now Kandi can learn all about the movie biz for when she and Todd produce their first feature film, “Divorce Papers”.  Kandi wonders why Todd’s packed sneaker quota horrifically out of proportion to their planned one-day stay, and Todd drops the bomb that je is staying in L.A. an extra week, without her.

Later, when Kandi returns from L.A., sans Todd, she catches up with Carmon and reveals that she and Todd clashed the whole trip.  AND…Kandi and Todd are not getting anywhere on their baby making progress either.  Kandi doesn’t think Todd is cheating on her, but they are lacking in communication and intimacy.  Carmon suggests counseling because Kandi’s version of “working on things” is to just pretend as if they are not happening.  BLAM…Carmon served up Kandi with some BEYOTCH PUDDIN’!  Somewhere in the ATL, Mama Joyce is wielding her “I-told-you-so-Wal-Mart-Wedgie-of-Death.”

Blam Bitch Puddin

As if we give a shit about what Kenya is pretending to do, we have a small scene showing her hard at fake work writing her fake scripts.  Poor thing thinks she has writers block, but really, the weave is too tight.  She calls her brainy friend Brandon to mull over some strategic product placement and she would like to use a Kandi Koated dildo.  She pulls out said neon pink dildo, holds it to her face like a phone, and asks Brandon “can you show a dildo on TV?”  Again, Kenya… have you seen the show you are on right now?  Later, Kenya holds fake auditions and these tragic actors don’t even realize that this train wreck won’t ever leave the station.  The actors all deliver the same line “I’m lactose intolerant”.  Sorta like “these pretzels are making me thirsty”.  Cynthia waltzes in to audition for her own part as a Jamaican beauty salon owner and she is dressed the part with full on yellow, red, and blue makeup.  Her hair is a rats nest and she is dressed in an old carpet remnant she janked out of the dumpster at her local “Denny’s” restaurant.  Of course, Kenya and Brandon go donuts over Cynthia and offer the part in the show that will never exist.

Pretzels

Across Town in Phaedra land, it’s 10 p.m. on the eve of Apollo’s final day “on the Plantation” and Peter received a squirrelly call from Apollo, so he takes Apollo out for a drink.  Apollo confides in Peter that he went through Phaedra’s phone and found out she is having an affair, and he has copies of all the TEXTS TO PROVE IT!!!  Among the damning evidence, she is texting some man named Chocolate, saying “the countdown begins”, “next week I’ll be off the plantation.”  At least Apollo is convinced this is damning evidence; BLAM…the Proof is in the Pudding, Bitch!

Beyotch Puddin

Peter is trying to drive and avoid dying in a fiery crash as Apollo is waving around hard copies of the texts and showing him the texts that he forwarded to his own phone.  Peter simply cannot believe what he is hearing, “I need my glasses for this, you got me f*cked up right now!”  Yeah, us too, Papa Smurf!  There is no way these texts were fabricated by some run of the mill con man!  Apollo even confronted Phaedra and she learned from the best… deny, deny, deny.  She told him that this “Chocolate” man is some African dude who isn’t even in the country.  I guess the big “gasp factor” over this is that Phaedra has been runnin’ her mouth about other cast-mates actin’ like hoes and here she goes doing the same.  Heck, everybody knows that Phaedra is a walkin’, breathin’ double standard.

Sexual Chocolate

Apollo is so worked up, he starts talking crazy, “people kill people over this shit, like love crimes!”  Peter tries to talk him down, but something tells me we are going to see Apollo on a special edition of “Snapped – When Husbands Lose Their Shiz”, only on Discovery ID.  Two hours and 12 tequilas later, Peter returns home and tells his lovely wife what he learned about Phaedra.  Cynthia did this:

Cynthia-Stunned

The next day, it’s 4 p.m. – do you know where your soon to be ex-husband assailant is?  Phaedra and her trusty assistant check over the condition of her house and they are confident that Apollo is long gone.  Phaedra has hired a locksmith and garage door opener guy to change the locks-n-fobs so that she can feel safe.  Later, she plans to hit the gun range with her “medicinal sawed off shotgun” and freshen up on her shooting skills.  As Phaedra busily plans her afternoon, Apollo pulls up and storms at Phaedra, ranting about how this is crazy…changing locks-n-fobs!  How dare she lock him out of his house that he won’t have access to for EIGHT YEARS!  He rants and flies around, squawking about how he changed everything on the house, every screw, every nail, EVERY HINGE…and as he becomes more and more and more UNHINGED, he actually dumps a 10 gallon bucket o’ HINGES out on the garage floor to further cement his point.  Now that’s irony…

You would think that was the most disconcerting part of the episode, but oh dear reader, we are just getting warmed up…Phaedra decides she needs to phone a friend, and she calls Apollo’s friend, “Bun”, who happens to be across the street hiding in some bushes.  Bun comes over and gets Apollo out of the house, while Phaedra is muttering “fix it Jesus, deliverance LAWD!”  Just when she thinks he is gone, he comes back in his car and Bun flies up behind him on a crotch rocket.  What kind of low-rent Dynamic Duo is this?  Apollo storms around in the house again and walks around aimlessly revving a power drill.  He then approaches Phaedra slowly and creepily, whispering “don’t call the police”.  JESUS.  TAKE.  THE.  WHEEL.

Apollo-Don't call police

Phaedra appears calm, but underneath that collected exterior, I am sure she’s quaking in her Uggs.  She doesn’t know what he is capable of and at this point, he has nothing to lose.

Next week, Kandi and Todd continue to struggle with their marriage, Kenya confronts Phaedra about Mr. Chocolate, and Phaedra lunges at Kenya with an open fist.

The Gift of Discernment

After a much needed break last week, we are presented with a big snooze-fest episode, which focuses on li’l breadcrumbs o’ drama and misfortune…mile-markers along the highway to hell.

Kenya twirls into another fake meeting with Roger Bobb at Bobbcat Productions, wearing a bright coral capelette that looks just as insane as her eyeballs and script ideas.

Kenya-Pink Capelette

Her ideas consist of the inane “Three Brown Girls”, who are sisters with the last name “Brown” and “Life Twirls On” – yes, yes it does and hopefully without you.  Of course, “Life Twirls On” is about a circle of mean girls who torment the show’s star because she is so fabulous.  The “Mean Girls” consist of “Nono, a 50 year old, cross gendered, pole dancer”, Athena, “a slick talking, jack of all trades, mortician, notary public, preacher who starts devastating rumors”, and Dee dee, “the dingy woman who thought the underground rail road was an actual train.”  Actually, Kenya, that show is already in production and well Madge, you’re soaking in it!  Roger follows his script and feigns interest before saying “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” “I’ll have my lawyers call your lawyers.”

Later, Kenya and Brandon continue to pretend to look for office space, but settle in at a coffee shop to fake discuss Kenya’s fake flop of a meeting at Bobbcat.  After “flushing out the ideas” with Roger, ugh it’s fleshing out, although flushing is what should be done with her weave and ideas…Kenya decides she will write her own script.  They briefly touch on casting Cynthia in a part, but Kenya doubts her acting ability since she was only on “The Cosby Show” once, but didn’t have any lines.  Must have been all the drugs Cosby gave her.

Across town in another shameless Bravo “Married to Medicine” crossover, Phaedra visits Dr. G to seek counsel on how to tell her sons about their no-good, low-down, dirty father.  Dr. G’s best suggestion is to explain it as adult time-out with bars instead of windows and he advises that she should let the boys see their father, otherwise they may hold it against her someday.  Phaedra doesn’t want to “meander around prisons when I’m not being paid to do so” and she certainly doesn’t want the boys to think prison is an acceptable place for them to meander.

Phaedra-Contemplates

Meanwhile, Apollo visits the only divorce lawyer in the ATL, Randy Kessler, to discuss his options.  He is due to turn himself in at a federal penitentiary in four days, but is worried Phaedra will file for divorce when he is locked up.  That is about the only thing he is right about.  Attorney Kessler points out that his defense will be that Phaedra accepted his criminal past when she married him, what did she expect?  This is where I wanted Kessler’s paralegal, Thad Woody, to stand up and say, “hey, what happens on the air mattress at 2 a.m., stays at the air mattress!”

Later, Phaedra gets together with her mother for some sweet tea and plot furthering.  Apparently, Apollo has threatened to burn down the house, he has punched holes through the walls, and has been acting psychotic in general.  Pastor Regina fears for her daughter’s life and her grandsons and insists that they get the hell out of the house.  More on that next week…

Nene and Porsha get together at a place called “Cotton & Corn”, which seems rather unappetizing and stereotypical.  Nene is more interested in the menu than she is Porsha, and she already plans to return the next day for a pork chop with a fried egg.  For now, they will settle on some grits and establish that Dish Nation is throwing a party to honor Porsha, but Nene can’t possibly attend because of her Broadway gig.  Porsha hopes Claw-dia will have enough sense not to show up and the two sea-hags discuss how Claw-dia doesn’t have a car and Cynthia has a no-good husband who is using her and drying up her modelin’ coin.  Porsha throws mad shade at Claw-dia and Kenya saying they have, as Mama Braxton would say… “laid it low and spread it wide”, and consequently can’t find a man to marry their 40 year old used up asses.  I think Porsha is speaking a little out of turn in regard to what makes a woman “marriage material” and Nene is no better, she divorced Gregg because she got bored and re-married him when she didn’t get enough “winks” on Match.com.

Nene-Menu

Kandi and her miniature hubby Todd discuss the “Mother’s Love” tour, which has crashed, burned, and gone straight to hell in a hand cart.  The bunk promoter they hired off of “Craig’s List” doesn’t have enough capital to keep the show going, thus the tour is cancelled.  I can’t even imagine the mob scene when the 13 people who purchased tickets come beating down the door at the Kandi Factory demanding their refunds.  Kandi is pissed as hell, and she is on a diet, which is not a good combo.  A Slim-Fast shake is not gonna get you through this one Girrl.  Get out of her way, she needs a cupcake.

Later, at the Kandi Factory, Kandi has finally styled her hair in a much better way and she tells her staff that the “Mother’s Love” tour is in the sh!tter because the promoter is not financially prepared to continue.  Don Juan jokes that Kandi doesn’t give up control over anything “except to the li’l man she sleeps in the bed with”, so how ironic it is that the tour flopped.  Don Juan continues to torment Kandi, “well Aunt Bertha told me maybe it was a scheme, that Todd set up for them, to come at you, with the bullsh!t.”  We flash back to Aunt Bertha saying this, which is hilarious…and Kandi’s entire staff agrees, they are rolling on the floor laughing like hyenas.  Kandi and Todd glare at the staff as if they are ready to thunder punch each of them in the throat.  I’m bit confounded as to why Kandi doesn’t go into her mattress and bankroll her own tour.

Kandi-Not Pleased

Claw-dia summons Derek J. to work with her on her edges and weaves for the big Dish Nation party.  Despite her hatred for Porsha, she does work at Dish Nation, so she will attend the party to show support and further the drama between her and the nit-wit.  Derek J. shows up looking like a reject from America’s Best Dance Crew and he throws a “Kardashian” wig on Claw-dia, to which she exclaims, “now maybe I can get a black man!”

Claudia-Wig

Derek slides a little jab in there and adds “or maybe a man”.  They discuss the implications and complexities of wearing a wig around a known wig snatcher (Porsha) and Derek agrees he will make the wig an easy release.  Claw-dia is armed and ready, “you come for me, I’m gonna point my gun at you, it’s huntin’ season.”

Ok the last 15 minutes…the Dish Nation party from hell.  Claw-dia shows up while Porsha and her whole family throw side-eye.  Claw-dia waits for the right moment to confront Porsha head on, Claw-dia congratulates her and Porsha calmly explains that she has “the gift of discernment”, which allows her to weed out the negativity from her life.  Claw-dia explains she is just trying to be cordial and out of respect for their common employer, they should try to work it out.  This is fairly uneventful and is interrupted when the 80’s called and asked Claw-dia for their earrings back.

Claudia-Earrings

Next week – buckle up for a real slapdash sh!t show…Claw-dia cracks under the mean girl pressure and Apollo foregoes his prison surrender, to instead confront Phaedra about her texting affair.