The ATL is back, peaches! Although off to a slow start, I have hopes that She by Shereé will bring back some pot-stirring sass. Let’s start with thorough analysis of the new tag lines:
- Phaedra – you can’t always get what you want, but I can. If what you want is to marry a convict and sleep on an air mattress.
- Porsha – I’m too blessed to be stressed, and too sexy to be thirsty. Beauty fades, but stupid is FO’ EVA’!
- Cynthia – Cynthia Bailey is ready to walk it alone. You should have RUN out of your wedding ceremony!
- Kandi – Now that I’ve got my Ace, I have a full house. And a full potty too!
- Kenya – I give the people what they want, and they always want Moore. Moore of your big booty bullshit.
- She by Shereé – Don’t call it a comeback, call it a takeover. After all, who gon’ check her, BOO?
Kandi welcomed her baby Ace on 1/6/16, now he’s five months old and already potty training. He gon’ have to learn it anyway, why not right outta the chute? And I’m not talking about a kiddie potty, they have this baby propped up on their adult, oversized Kohler. Sidebar: Kandi is sporting some serious “I dream of genie hair” in her floating head interviews.
Across town, Moore Manor is still under construction, shocker. Kenya calls it “a hot mess, like Porsha without makeup!” Kenya dated Matt for about a year, but she dumped his ass because he snooped in her cell phone and hulked out in a hotel room. As if her life isn’t in enough of a ramshackle disaster, she decides to host a housewarming party for her un-done home in T-minus 10 days? And well, because who needs furniture to party?
In other dueling un-done home news, Chateau Shereé is about finished up, she just needs to spend about a million dollars in accessories. Shereé wants a show stopper – all who enter will drop their faces off and she will even hire a butler to dust and help people pick up their faces. She is not to be outdone!
Phaedra is busily getting on with her single life, she has hired a new “Goveness” a.k.a nanny, and she is still besties with Porsha. As the two are kibitzing about the freaks on “Christian Mingle” over lemonade, a man with a horse drawn carriage delivers a tiara and invitation to Kenya’s housewarming party. Porsha is not invited, so Phaedra gets the pot simmering by inviting Porsha as her date.
Porsha sees an anger management coach and confesses she was bullied in high school and became depressed and suicidal. The counselor is like Stonewall Jackson, he gives her a blank, mouth-breathing, stare. He looks like he’s thinking about how much data he has left on his cellular plan for the month. He points out some valid points to consider, she is resilient for surviving the bullying in her youth, she must think about her reputation and career now that she is footin’ her own bills, and finally the most valuable lesson of all, short and tight is not her color.
Cynthia is the only one really dealing with anything newsworthy, and that is filing for divorce from Papa Smurf. She wants to keep the house, which is in her name and she has a prenup that is probably filed away in a safe at her mother’s house along with the marriage license. Cynthia puts on her best denim shreds and Urkel glasses to pay a visit to her divorce attorney. He advises her to find the prenup, STAT…hopefully she didn’t accidentally burn it along with that friendship contract.
It’s the night of the big housewarming and Cynthia is first to arrive, she’s appalled at the condition of Moore Manor. Kenya’s minions are scurrying around, pulling shrink wrap off the furniture and the only semblance of hors d’oeuvres is a half-eaten can of wet dog food on the counter. Kenya’s home isn’t the only thing unfinished, she forgot half of her outfit. She is one hot second away from a catastrophic wardrobe malfunction.
Cynthia points out the flailing Mylar balloons in the corner that say “I love you” and are from Matt in a half-assed apology attempt. Nothing says “I’m sorry for snooping through your phone and acting like a ‘roided out psycho in Mexico” like deflated silver hearts.
Cynthia heads downstairs to greet the guests on the makeshift red carpet, while Kenya dabs her tears with a nearby shop towel. She by Shereé arrives and starts reading every square foot of Moore Manor, as expected. See, all that sweeping She by Shereé was doing at her un-done home last season paid off!
Kenya is giving everyone a tour, but She by Shereé wants a hard had, dust mask, and a fan. “Even the dogs had “tittie sweat.” Kenya picks up on the shade and reiterates “it’s a soft opening”. Next time, try a soft dust cloth. All the ladies have dust all over their rented jumpsuits.
Next week, Porsha and Phaedra enter and Matt crashes the party. She by Shereé cackles in delight, but like she says, who gon’ check me, boo?