Oh Joe He Di’int!

We start this week with the Boyz II Manzo’s arriving at their grandmother’s former home, which is now their new office.  Caroline tells us that they are a family of entrepreneurs, her father used to own a plastics molding injection company.  So he must be the one that does all the work on the housewives faces!  I kid, I kid…Caroline looks great and clearly hasn’t had a lick of work done to her mug.

The Boyz II Manzos will be working for New Star Group with their uncle Chris.  We are treated to a shot of Christopher Manzo sitting in his office chair, and my hand to God, he licks his fingers and then picks his nose.  That kid is just disgusting, he must be so used to being on camera now that he forgets.  He tells us that being in the new office is awkward because it used to be his grandma’s house where he would shit his pants and open Christmas presents.  I’ll tell you what’s awkward homeboy, licking your fingers and sticking them in your nose on camera!

Christopher starts talking about writing a book about toilets and good places to shit while you are on vacation.  Why is this kid obsessed with poop?  Albie is against this, of course.  But leave it to Joey, Caroline’s nephew who is also part of New Star, to give Christopher props for “thinking outside the box.”  Yea Christopher, thinkin’ outside the shitbox.  Why don’t you ponder an important question in life such as why do they call it “taking a dump”, when you are actually leaving something behind?

His other brilliant idea is a breathalyzer on the cell phone so you can’t be drunk dialing or texting.  The only problem with that is you may need to call or text for someone to come pick your drunk ass up.  Albie wins the scene when he says “Assley should have that on her Twitter account.”  Well played Albie, well played.

Richie and Kathy are getting ready for his birthday dinner, which is supposed to be a surprise, but he knows about it.  Richie says that he is a jokester because when he came to the states from Beirut, he did not know the language.  Apparently, he still has not learned the language of comedy.  He asks Kathy how her get together went and she tells Richie about Teresa and Juicy’s restaurant venture.  Richie says he didn’t know Juicy Joe still had it in him while he slugs down a pre-party fistful of scotch.  Kathy tells Richie that Tre and Juicy are not coming to the party and he thanks her for that Birthday gift.

Joe and Melissa are en route to the party and Joe can’t stop talking about how great Melissa looks and he loves the fact that she isn’t wearing a bra.  Well if Melissa is not wearing an over the shoulder boulder holder, I wonder if Joe is wearing an under the butt nut hut.  Melissa fills him in on the cattiness from Kathy’s party and how Teresa was being a real flaming shit heel.  Joe says that if Teresa could be happy for other people and their successes, there would be no problem.  Well said, Joe, well said.  It is here we see Joe exhibit such range and exchange, he can go from talking about Melissa’s lack of undergarments to Teresa’s underlying psychological issues.

The clan arrives at the Aladdin restaurant for Richie’s B-Day bash and we are treated to a shot of Rosie!  Well actually Rosie, doing a shot!  The group is having a nice time drinking and smoking the hookah pipes.  The group is a bit disappointed that they can’t have Italian food, they will be super disappointed once the munchies kick in.  Caroline is more concerned that all of these strangers are smoking from the same filter tip on the hookah pipe.  Apparently, Caroline never went to a party in the 70’s.  They are all getting high and dizzy and Joe is fawning over Melissa and says he wants to smell her armpit.  Kathy is biting Richie’s tongue.  What in the actual f*ck is going on here?  Joe starts talking about Melissa’s scar on her back from open heart surgery.  Melissa explains that she was only seven when she had surgery and her mother insisted that they cut her back and not her chest.  What she didn’t know at the time was that she would have several knives in her back for the rest of her life.  At least your true friends stab you in the front.

Richie is greeted with a birthday cake with a couple of M-80’s on it and then the belly dancers start.  Joe saunters out to the dance floor and ties his shirt above his tummy and really gets down.  Careful Joe, keep your arms below the gay line.  Rosie starts throwing money around and Jacqueline and Melissa get out there to dance for the dough.  Richie says “Melissa is a great singer, but can’t f*ckin’ dance to save her life.”  Sidebar:  Richie really gives me the creeps, that face could make a freight train take a dirt road.  Melissa calls Jacqueline a “closet whore” again this week.  They are really letting their hair down and becoming sloptart friends.  Teresa would be so pissed off right now if she were there.

Teresa and Jacqueline are visiting in Jacqueline’s bathroom discussing what to wear to Lauren’s opening party at Chateau.  Teresa whips out this hideous hot pink fur coat with iridescent royal blue undertones.  Have you always wanted to look like a tranny catfish who dresses like a pimp?  Jacqueline shows Teresa the dress she wants to wear and tells her it was $55.00 and Teresa recoils in horror.  The look on Teresa’s face is priceless, well it’s about $55.00.  Jacqueline tells Teresa a bit about Richie’s party and Teresa isn’t fazed, she knows that Jacqueline and Caroline are her friends.  They sit down by Jacqueline’s bathtub to drink some wine and eat some Italian snausage bites.  Bathtub ledge moments with Jacqueline and Teresa.  That’s a new one.

The ladies arrive at the Chateau opening and Melissa says “Holy coat” in regard to Teresa’s pimped out faux fur.  Lauren shows Jacqueline the tee-shirt that Assley finally finished.  It’s not that impressive, the other sketches she had were much better.  Jacqueline and Assley are at least being civil at this point.  Thank goodness, Assley did not get much camera time this week, I have had enough of that guttersnipe.

The next day, Teresa is at the grocery store buying fresh ingredientces (yes, she said it again this season, so that proves she really thinks it’s a word) and Milania is being an abominable handful.  She is adorable, but she would make me nutz.  She is climbing on the produce, climbing in the freezers, and Teresa decides that she has to call Joe right in that moment to invite him to her book signing.  She can’t possibly wait to call him until she is done in the store?  Milania is climbing around the produce again and ends ass down on top of a party platter.  Teresa says she was good and gives her a high five.  Crushing the top of a cheese and meat tray with your ass is good behavior?

Melissa greets the Soul Diggaz to work on more recordings in her dungeon studio.  Her sisters are along for the show and Melissa is having trouble warming up.  She’s a bit pitchy, dawg.  She finally gets into the pocket and the sistaz and the Soul Diggaz are rockin’ out and drinking all of Joe’s expensive wine.  Meanwhile Joe is out bringin’ home da’ bacon so she can buy more booze and hot pants.

The Boyz II Manzo’s are meeting with a potential client for their new business venture.  The clients are hocking BLK Water.  The water is black in color because of the folvic acid.   At first, I thought she said vulvic acid, and I must admit, I threw up in my mouth a little bit.  The ladies seem a bit nervous entrusting the young bucks to promote the black beverage.  The boyz do pretty well speaking about their experience and dedication to sales and they have a deal.

Melissa and Joe are in their hats and having a talk about the threatening text messages Joe has received from Juicy.  He calls them fake for going to the book signing, threatens him and calls him names.  Joe is upset about this because he feels like it is hurting the kids more than anything.  Melissa seems to think that Juicy and Teresa are jealous of them and Teresa keeps pitting Juicy against Joe.  Joe says that one day he is going to snap, as if going completely spider monkey at the Christening wasn’t enough.

Leave it to Teresa to be late for her own book signing and she is calling Joe from the car to remind him.  I have to give Joe props, his message says “leave a message, but I prefer a text.”  So she leaves him a message…classic passive aggressive behavior if I have ever seen it.

She gets to the book store looking like a complete skank whore in her “pay me” pumps (I mean that in the best way).  The store looks like a small mom and pop shop.  What kind of GD book signing is this?  Her fans are a bit of a mixed bag and she gets a proposal from a nerdy young man.  Teresa is ruminating because she has so many friends and fans, but her family is in complete and utter disarray.  In walk the Wakile’s, not at all awkward.  Richie is asking where the champagne and hours d’ oeuvres are.  Sorry Richie, it’s not that kind of a book signing.  Finally, Melissa and Joe arrive in their knit caps, just as Teresa is packing up the shit show, Joe buys 10 books and has Teresa sign one for him.  He shouts to the book store owner “that’s my sister!”  In a rare, genuine moment, you can see how proud he is of Teresa.  She starts getting choked up and Joe has her read the inscription out loud to him.  It says she loves him and misses him, he gives her a kiss, but she admits she wants a hug.  Joe can’t leave well enough alone and he has to de-rail the crazy train.  He tells Teresa to talk to Juicy and tell him to stop sending threatening texts.  She doesn’t seem to know what he is talking about, but then she says that Juicy thinks they came to the book signing just for show.  Melissa states this is the first time they were invited and Teresa says it was on facebook.  Oy vey Teresa, stop with the facebook thing.  Sho ‘nuff, the facebook comment really grinds Melissa’s gears and she reveals that Teresa de-friended her and nonetheless, she does not want an invitation via facebook.  Joe is thoroughly annoyed says that the bottom line is that if she wants him in her life, she and Juicy need to knock their shit off.

Teresa arrives home to what appears to be a party.  The Juice man is juiced and the G to the ia and another girl are doing gymnastics on a mat in the hallway.  G to the ia busts out a flip and Juice man decides he is going to do a little tumbling demonstration of his own and he face plants right into the marble floor.  He chips his front tooth and G to the ia goes abnormally ballistic.  C’mon Juice man…walk it off!  They show a shot of the Juice man with his chipped front tooth and Teresa says he looks like “Tales from the Creeped.”  God she is a gem!  He has summer teeth now Tre…summer here and some are there…

Teresa is telling her friends about the book signing and they are joking about the maloik, which is a hand sign formed by extending the index and little fingers while holding the middle and ring fingers down with the thumb.  This sign is used to ward off bad luck, or the evil eye.  Sidebar:  In sign language, this sign is used to communicate “I Love You”.  Interesting…Teresa is trying to ask Juicy why the animosity towards Joe.  Juicy swigs some more of his haterade and goes on a drunkalogue peppered with f’bombs.  Teresa asks to see the texts that Juicy sent and he hands the phone to John, a family friend.  He says that Juice man has “faggot” in his phone as Joe’s name.  The family friend is trying to paraphrase and we see a screen shot of the phone, this is texting at its finest.  This is a true meeting of the Mensa minds:

Faggot (a.k.a. Joe):  Stupid ass I just realized what ur tex said

Me (a.k.a. Juicy):  Watch who you call stupid ass before I put your jaw on one of those metal cages

It’s anarchy, I tell you.  Juicy keeps rambling on and on, he is three sheets to the wind.  He starts talking about his mother getting her hair pulled at the Christening and their female friends are outraged.  He just keeps babbling and riling everyone up.  He’s definitely campaigning hard for resident douchebag on the show.  Congrats, buddy, you’re well on your way!

Grow Up or STFU

We pick up where we left off last week at the Double Crown Diner for a double dose of drama.  Chris is still trying to calm Jacqueline down, meanwhile Assley doesn’t miss a beat and she is feverishly texting away until Matt demands she put the phone down and listen to him.  I’m so glad Assley allows us to live on her planet, I don’t know where else we would all go!

Jacqueline is still a hot ass mess and Chris tells her that his honest opinion is that Jacqueline is always ready for a fight.  I have to give Chris props for saying that and not just placating her.  He is trying to be impartial and that cannot be easy for him.  But he’s a Manzo by association, so we know he’s got ballz of steel.  Stepmom Jodi points out to Assley that they didn’t get along when Assley lived with them.  There’s a shocker!  Matt and Jody take Assley downstairs to apologize to Jacqueline, but Jacqueline is so pissed off she doesn’t even want to hear it and she knows that Matt is forcing her to do it.  They commence arguing about the family therapy they tried and this sparks another source of contention.  The men are trying to talk sense into Assley and it’s going nowhere fast.  Chris and Jacqueline have a private moment alone, but we hear Jacqueline tell him that she worked so hard to raise Assley and now she doesn’t get to enjoy any results of her work.  Chris tells Assley this, but she doesn’t care and feels like she is being blamed for Jacqueline not having a career.  Oy vey, there is not enough therapy in the universe that could help these two.

Kathy is prepping for her “Embrace Your Inner Goddess” party where the girls will be able to taste various Middle Eastern dishes.  She invites “Zen” Jen, the Energist over to clear the evil energy in the house.  We learn that “Zen” Jen has also worked with Dina Manzo.  Zen is going to smudge the house and Richie says he’s glad he didn’t take a shower yet.  He is observing her things as she sets them out and he asks her whose ashes she has.  She explains that it’s a bottle of sand to put the sage bundle out when they are done.  So, I guess Richie thought she would spread around some ashes of a dead, unknown person and burn the giant sage doobie?  Oy, a collective oy!  The sage bundle looks like a gargantuan joint for a mastodon, the thing is uuuge.  Richie is happy Kathy is having the tasting party so the girls will see that she can cook and then he takes a pot shot at Teresa who he says is just taking her mother’s recipes and putting them in a book.

Assley arrives at the Manzo’s to meet Lauren about the status of the tee shirt design.  It’s been a month and Assley has nothing to show her.  Assley promises to leave and do a sketch right away.  Her stupidity is showing once again.  If she is actually going to do that, which she won’t, why didn’t she just do it before the meeting with Lauren?  I just want to choke her out!  Then she starts whining about her family situation and how stressed she is.  Lauren puts her on blast and calls her out on playing the “poor me” card.

Teresa and Juicy are headed in to speak to their legal counsel.  Teresa’s liability has been extinguished, but da’ Juice man owes $260K.  Juicy’s take away from this is to lie, always lie, never tell the truth, lie like a fly, lie like a rug.  Good lookin’ out Juice man…good lookin’ out.  The assets will be deeded to Teresa and therefore they do not have to put their assets up for public auction.  Teresa stands by da’ Juice man and is not upset with him one bit.  Teresa’s take away is that since she stands to lose nothing, they won the case.  I think these two have been huffing on that giant sage bundle.

Kathy is setting up for her “Goddess” party and Melissa is the first to arrive.  I am sure when Teresa arrives, she is going to rip into Melissa’s outfit choice.  She does look a little like a Jersey strip joint cocktail waitress that works the lunch shift on Mondays.  Richie left some Holy Water for Teresa and they are laughing about it, but Melissa is reminded of what Teresa said about Richie being “into her.”  Kathy lets it roll off her back because it takes too much energy to be offended.  Caroline, Lauren, and Jacqueline arrive and Jacqueline vents a bit about her Assley troubles and they offer their support and Caroline asked if at any point Assley was picking up her teeth off the floor.  I swear they need to sit Assley down with Caroline, she would lay that kid out.  They tell Jacqueline she needs to go “old skewl” on her ass.  Now, now Jersey ladies, if the only tool in your tool box is a hammer, then all of your problems will look like nails.  Surely, I jest, I say lay that schleprock kid out like a loose meat sandwich.

Teresa arrives, fashionably rude late, and they talk about the weather and Teresa says that (I kid you not…) “We’re supposed to get a Norwegian.”  Right away, I know what she is trying to say and the rest of the ladies say, “you mean NOREASTER!”  At that point, Victoria says she is going to go study.  I think Teresa should join her.  I swear with Teresa, it’s like Christmas every day!

This would be an intelligence and bra optional party.  The ladies start eating and Teresa is balking at everything.  Teresa said for a “Goddess” party she expected naked Goddess men passing the food around.  So many things wrong with this Teresa, men are not Goddesses.  Have the recent exploits of Charlie Sheen taught you nothing?  Kathy gives each of the ladies a Goddess bracelet and says something nice about each of them.  Her compliment to Teresa is that she has the ability to put a smile on her face regardless of what is going on around her.  And…wait for it…bam…there it is, Teresa takes it as a dig.  No matter what you say to her, she will take it the wrong way.

Caroline offers up an apology to Kathy because she didn’t give Kathy a chance at first.  Caroline talks about Kathy’s catering aspirations and the advice that Albert gave them about not opening a restaurant.  Leave it to Teresa to spout off and claim that she and the Juice man are opening a restaurant.  Melissa says that if it isn’t going to be Teresa’s moment, then it won’t be anyone’s moment.  She hit that nail right on the head.  Clearly Teresa is talkin’ out of her brown eye here.  She’s going to be the hostess and wear beautiful gowns, she’s going to teach all the cooks her mother’s recipes.  She is so full of shit, she has projectile diarrhea of the mouth.  Yea Tre, you and Juicy open that restaurant, you thought you had the world by the ballz with your real estate flipping and look how that turned out!  Teresa should go on the other reality show “Famous Food” where the “celebrities” (and we use that term loosely), are opening a restaurant.  Danielle Staub is on that show, she and Tre would be a perfect team.  They could call it “Prostitution Whooooah’s” and the patrons could come in and flip the tables over and throw around the maître d’ like a rag doll.  Now wouldn’t that be a real gas!?!?

Teresa continues to dis Kathy’s food and she starts behaving like a 12 year old freaking out over parsley.  Teresa talks briefly about the court case and then attacks Melissa and Kathy for talking to Kim “Strait Up” G.  Melissa makes a comment about the fact that Melissa and Teresa had not spoken for years and she did not know that Teresa was feuding with Kim “Strait Up” G.  Teresa goes absolutely ballistic, well maybe not too ballistic, not “Prostitution Whooooah” ballistic, but she blows a total nut over the fact that Melissa said “years.”  That’s her beef here, why Melissa said they didn’t talk for years.  Ugh…oy…whatever Teresa, put a freakin’ sock in it!  Teresa is just trying to pick a fight and Caroline and Kathy are trying to change the mood.  Kathy summons the belly dancers she has hired and the ladies join in the dancing, and of course Teresa finds fault with that too.  Melissa is dancing and says something about not having a bra on and then Teresa is criticizing her saying she looks like something from the Jersey Shore.  Well guess what Teresa, Melissa is from the shore!  Not to mention that on Christmas Eve, Trash Box Teresa wore a skirt so short, we could see her innards.

It must be a day or so after Jacqueline and Assley Doubled Down at the Double Crown Diner.  Jacqueline greets Assley in the kitchen by saying “hi sunshine!”  For some reason Jacqueline is dressed like she should be in an 80’s workout video.  Assley starts talking about her plans to go to California and go to school.  Assley says she is going to move in the spring, then the bomb goes off.  Assley says she is annoyed because this was originally Jacqueline’s idea.  Holy shitballz, duck and cover folks, these two are gonna go at it like a couple of rabid meerkats!  Jacqueline calls for a time out and Assley calls Jacqueline a bitch.  Jacqueline walks away, but she keeps poppin’ off as Chris tries to mediate with Assley.  It blows up quickly, Assley storms out and calls her dad to cry and tell him a completely different story.

Bottom line is Jacqueline feels like she has failed at being a mom, which is sad.  Assley feels like she is being blamed for Jacqueline not doing more with her life and having a career.  These two are the stalest mates I have ever seen.  Finally, Chris goes up to Assley and tells her to pack her shit and get ta’ steppin’.  Jacqueline is reading a book to her sons about volcanoes, much like the one that is erupting in her own home!

Looks like more fighting and drama next week and the gang hits the hookah pipe.  Good times!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

This week we open with the Giudice family attempting photo ops for Teresa’s new cookbook.  They are all sitting around stuffing their faces and her daughters couldn’t possibly look less interested.  Little Gabriella is giving the death stare and she looks like one of those kids that will eventually start doing weird, creepy things.  Milania is extremely vocal, screaming “OH MY GAWWWWD!” while Teresa is trying to put the headband back on the baby.  Everyone is restless and they all look like they want to slit their wrists.  Milania finally has a meltdown over the pizza dough and now the photo crew is ready to shut it down like a bad ferris wheel.  Even the Creative Director, Frances Soo Ping Chow, says, “shutter down!”  Yes, her name is Francis Soo Ping Chow.  Teresa changes her outfit, and four hours later, they take the cover shot with her mother and G to the ia.  The photographer is asking G to the ia to look at the pasta and smile and she looks like she would rather eat her own vomit.

Kathy and Richie are talking about Victoria as they are sitting in her neon pink room.  Kathy wants to have “the talk” with her and Richie thinks at 16, Victoria is still a little girl.  What is odd to me, is that there are various “Glamour Shots” of Victoria all over her own room.  What 16 year old girl has pictures of herself made up like a hooker from Hoboken all over her own room?  I think Victoria’s interactions with boys are the least of their worries.  Richie seems to think this is reeeeeel simple, if Victoria is around a boy, she will imagine Richie’s face, and that will deter her from any bad behavior.  It will induce vomiting, for sure.  He seems to think that because we are dealing with all the same body parts and Kathy was a good girl, that Victoria will follow suit.  Kathy is beating her head against a brick wall here, Richie is just being a chach.

Christopher is working at the Wicked Wolf Tavern in Hoboken so he can pay the “On Demand” bill.  He says “Toy Story doesn’t pay for itself”, which I am sure is what he was watching on demand.  The Laurita’s go to visit him along with Albie, Lauren, and sassy roommate Greg.  Greg starts asking Assley questions and she talks about how she is working on the shirts for Lauren and it’s soooo stressful.  Lauren says she reminds her of herself at 20, lazy with no ambition.  Well at the whopping age of 23, you sure have come a long way, Lauren.  The Boyz II Manzos start teasing Assley about turning 21 and they don’t even want to imagine what her Tweets will be like.  I can tell you what the Tweets will be like, they will be mean, drunken, disrespectful Tweets.  Little does Assley know, her father and stepmother are in the parking lot ready to come in and surprise her.  Assley is putting her potholder hat on Greg and he makes his sleepy sea turtle face and does an impression of Assley.  Lauren says he looks like a stoner.  Yes, it’s the tell-tale knit hat, anyone who dares to wear, looks like a stoner.  I rest my case.

Assley is very surprised to see her father, Matt, and his gargantuan head scar.  He must have taken a nasty spill to have a scar like that.  Assley is hugging Jodi, her stepmother, and she can’t contain her surprise.  She is all emotional, but she soon realizes that she is in hot water because Jacqueline and Chris have filled in her father on what’s been going down.  They start in on her right away and they agree to talk later, but that is going to go over like a lead balloon.  Sidebar:  Stepmom Jodi would be a perfect cast member for the Real Housewives of Bumblef*ck Texas.  Then Assley could go live with them and cause drama on that show.

Meanwhile, back at Capitol Records, Melissa is chatting with her sisters about the dust up with Teresa over her singing career and rehashes the low-blows Teresa kept delivering.  Her sister Lysa brings up something about Melissa and one of their cousins.  Apparently, the cousin went to a medium and the medium was able to communicate to their dead father.  He delivered a message for Melissa to pursue her dream and she would be a huge success.  Melissa gets the chills and is overwhelmed with emotion.  Now here is the cherry on the sundae, Melissa says in her private camera moment “I don’t talk to medians.”  She said it twice, medians.  Melissa is a sarcastic bloggers dream.

Caroline is cleaning out her closet and getting rid of all her larger clothes and she and Lauren start talking about losing weight.  Caroline is sad because Lauren will never be happy with how she looks.  I guess this is supposed to be a “real” moment, but we want drama damn it!

Assley is showing Jacqueline pictures of her visit with Matt and Jodi.  Jacqueline asks if she will be around and if she could help babysit and Assley says “in that case I am going somewhere.”  Jacqueline is hoping Matt’s visit will help straighten Assley out.  Assley then tells Jacqueline she is going to California, but needs to do more research.  Research on what, Ass?  The cardboard box you will be living in?  The dumpsters where you will dine?  The gas station where you will shower out of the toilet tank?  Jacqueline wants Assley to be more realistic and I really don’t understand why Jacqueline keeps on doing this mambo with Assley.  This chick can’t even fight her way out of a wet paper bag, and she’s going to go to California?  I think Assley thinks she is famous, it makes me laugh my assley off, go to L.A., get “discovered”.  Haha!

Kathy and Victoria go to “The Fig Leaf”, which is apparently some dilapidated second-hand dress shop.  She is shopping for a formal dress and she proceeds to try on a series of hideous dresses.  Just make sure there are no pit stains on the dress.  Victoria tries on a royal blue long dress that she loves, but Kathy is afraid that she looks too mature and sexy.  So, Kathy, master of perfect timing, begins to have “the talk” with Victoria in the middle of this ramshackle dress shop.  The sales people are waiting Kathy!  Buy the dreadful blue dress and limit your parenting talks to the confines of Victoria’s neon pink room.

Meanwhile, back at Melissa’s, the Soul Diggaz arrive to play in the new studio.  Joe is in on the action and he is cracking jokes about the Soul Diggaz and then Melissa says “he’s nervous because you know the saying, once you go….”  No Melissa, what is the saying?  Once you do crack, you never go back?  Once you sing a track, you never get jack?  What Melissa, why is Joe nervous and what is the saying?  They all enjoy a good laugh and they are ready to hear Melissa’s singing chops.  She has no clue what she is doing and it sounds really rough.  The Soul Diggaz are making faces like, “thank God this is only a bit for T.V.”  Joe says he wants to be turned on, “grab da’ microphone, like it’s me.”  That’ll do it Joe, that will make her sound like Whitney Houston, you know, before she did crack and never went back.

The Manzo’s are at the Powerhouse Family Gym to do a little kickboxing.  They are all having fun, except for Caroline.  She has no intention of working out at all.  They are doing squats where they are supposed to come up and jump.  Each time Caroline jumps up, she clicks her heels.  This is actually pretty funny, she has no clue what she is doing and the trainer says “what are you, Dorothy, why are you clappin’ your heels?”  Lauren is getting frustrated, she just wants to get the workout done.  Then they are all on the floor doing sit ups and each time Lauren sits up, she can see Greg’s very pale ballz.  Now there’s an incentive.  Caroline is sitting down and tells the trainer she is going to throw up.  I don’t think all the tomfoolery or the pale ballz are helping.

Assley’s two sets of parents are meeting for lunch to discuss Assley and what her plans are.  Apparently, Assley has already asked her dad for money to go to California and he’s not a happy camper.  He knows that she’s just blowin’ smoke, she doesn’t finish anything she starts.  Chris Laurita makes a comment about giving Assley a beating, which is kinda awkward, but she kinda deserves it.  Assley shows up late and Jacqueline says she looks like Lindsey Blowhan.  Jacqueline jumps right in and puts Assley on blast.  Assley wants to go to beauty school in California and allegedly has money to live there, but no money for school.  Chris is layin’ it down and Assley starts to crumble and become combative.  Assley is just dancing around and even complains about the job Lauren asked her to do.  Eventually, Assley takes a really low-blow at Jacqueline about having a baby at 20 and says that she is doing better because at least she hasn’t done that.  This illustrates how stupid Assley really is, that baby was YOU, ya’ freakin’ dill hole!  And now you have the audacity to sit there and insult your mother for keeping you and raising you?  I wonder if she has to work hard at being insufferable, or if it just comes naturally.

There are some things you will just never understand.  Why is this girl such an ingrate?  Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries?  I just don’t know!  The whole situation flares up like a bad hemorrhoid with Jacqueline finally having enough and storming out.  Jacqueline is so upset and hurt, it’s actually really sad.  Chris and Matt are explaining why Jacqueline is so hurt by the disrespect, but Assley isn’t going to get it.  Matt tells her that if she acted like that with him, he would snatch her by the neck.  Jacqueline is sobbing in the restaurant lobby, totally hyperventilating.  She needs a drink with an extra splash of WTF.  Chris comes down to comfort her and they both say they are done and Matt can handle it.  We get a “To be continued…” ending.  Maybe Assley needs a sit down with her good ol’ Aunt Caroline.  I bet she could smack some sense into her.  They need a good ol’ fashioned round of the Ham Game, only with Assley, they need to throw the whole ham at her head, Paula Dean style.

Blood is Thicker Than Jägermeister

Caroline Rules is ruling the airwaves and tonight Caroline is discussing New Year’s Resolutions!  Caroline tells a touching story about Albie telling her to wear a seat belt when he was a toddler.  She reveals that he had a lisp.  I am sure our NJ stud will appreciate that.

Melissa is driving along listening to the radio show and I guess it’s supposed to be foreshadowing because Melissa is listening as Caroline has a caller stating that her resolution is to be nice to people even if they don’t reciprocate.  Caroline says “do not let anybody intimidate you, especially if you want to do something pure and good in your heart.”  Next Melissa calls Teresa and attempts to set up a play date for the kids.  Teresa is a hot mess and they all had the stomach flu.  They agree to get together the next day, great idea Melisa, invite the stomach flu brood over for a play date!  Teresa says in her private camera moment that she doesn’t want to see Melissa.  The worm, she is a-turnin’!

Jacqueline asks her father to speak to Assley about her attitude and lack of motivation.  We learn that Assley actually has a real talent drawing and she is doing a sketch of Marilyn Monroe as her grandfather walks in.  He encourages her to pursue the art as a career, but she is not enthused.  She tells him she gets bored with her art and she doesn’t go back to what she is working on and that…wait for it…hang on to your wigs and keys everyone…she doesn’t like deadlines.  Yea, well I don’t either, but it’s called life you little ass-hat!  I swear she needs to be smacked.  Her grandfather basically tells her the same thing, he says “life is a deadline, I’m retired and I still have deadlines!”

Caroline, our favorite diplomat, calls Kathy to invite her to the New Year’s party.  She is disassembling her pine cone display and we are treated to cut away shots of Albert shaving with a straight razor.  I am not sure what the significance of this is, but he gets the job done.  Kathy accepts the invitation and the theme for the new year is putting your best foot forward.  I wonder if Kathy’s son will put his best foot forward in his goody two shoe.

Assley goes to Chateau to meet Lauren and show her some sketches for tee-shirts that Lauren asked her to design.  Assley shows her some half-assed shitty designs that Lauren hates and are nowhere near what she asked for.  Lauren told her she wanted a face, to represent her makeup business name “Face”, duh.  She said the sketches looked like Assley did them in the car.  What I don’t get here is why Assley didn’t present the sketches she already had of faces.  She had the Marilyn Monroe and she had a couple others.  Assley reminds me of someone that smokes pot…a lotta pot.  No motivation, the attention span of a gnat, and her response to everything is “whatever.”  Assley is clearly pissed off as Lauren lectures her about her being the client, treating her as such, and that she only gets one shot at a first impression.  To which Assley replies “whatever”.  Assley confides to the cameras that when she is a “professional artist” she is not going to have clients, it’s going to be her vision or no vision.  Sounds like a solid business strategy Assley.  Lauren sends her on her way to work on what she asked Assley for an if she doesn’t come up with it, “it’s gonna be a shitstorm.”

It’s 3:45 p.m. at Melissa’s and Antonia is asking when the Giudice girls will be there.  She keeps saying “when are they gonna be here?” and it’s kind of cute because she keeps repeating it and puts an emphasis on the word “here” when she asks for the third time.  As if that would change the answer.  Melissa doesn’t have the heart to say “They will be here when their rude, arrogant mother feels like getting them here, honey.  They can’t help it that their mother don’t give a shit about anyone but herself.”

Teresa is trying to get the girls dressed and Milania is having a tantrum and she is throwing all her clothes on the floor.  Teresa keeps scolding her and Milania keeps ignoring her.  Back at Melissa’s, they are getting impatient and annoyed with the lateness, but Antonia and Joey kill time in the indoor bounce house.  Man, those kids have everything!

Finally, it’s 6:28 p.m. and Teresa is driving over to Melissa’s.  Antonia is telling Melissa that Milania chokes her when they play and she too, is totally aggravated that they are so late.  They finally show up and it looks like Milania has managed to single-handedly piss all of her sisters off on the ride over.  Melissa offers Teresa something to drink and she wants wine, so they sit to chat while the girls fight over toys.  Milania wastes no time rummaging through Antonia’s toys, she pulls out a doll and says “I want this!”  She is on a toy tirade!  Melissa asks if the kids are hungry because she made some chicken cutlets because her kids were hungry and screaming.  Teresa says no because they are going out to dinner, but G to the ia would like a chicken cutlet.  Teresa backs off because G to the ia just came from gymnastics and is hungry.  So…my powers of deduction tell me that Teresa did not intend to stay long for the play date.  It’s already 6:30 at this point and the kids haven’t even had dinner and they are going out, so she probably planned to cut out after an hour.  Heaven forbid she would be on time so the girls could have some real play time.  There is no way you could play with all of the toys, including the bounce house in under an hour!

Melissa broaches the subject of Teresa and Kathy and Teresa shuts her down like a bad ferris wheel and of course is all wrapped up in her own side of the story.  G to the ia wanted more to eat, but Teresa snaps at her and tells her to leave while she and Mellissa have it out.  Teresa is just going on and on about ancient Kathy history.  Teresa says that she can’t figure out why Richie is so “into her” and that he is not a gentleman, he insults her.  Melissa keeps going back and forth with her trying to point out the error of her ways and Teresa just keeps talking in circles.  I have to say at this point, Teresa is just annoying me.  She had us at the beginning of the season, we were all on your side Tre, but you have got to let this go!  She’s like a dog with a bone!  Next, we learn that Teresa is doing another cook book and Melissa offers some recipes and Teresa says “no”.  Melissa talks about coming out with her album and Teresa jumps all over that opportunity to further insult Melissa by saying anyone can come out with an album, even Kim Kardashian.  Sheesh, Melissa, it’s a dog eat dog world out there and your wearing milk bone underwear!

G to the ia asks Melissa to sing, but she doesn’t want to because she things Teresa is going to be like Ursula and take her voice.  But she will give them a tour of the studio Joe built for her.  Sidebar:  I had to Google this because I didn’t know what the Ursula reference was, but for readers as ignorant as I, it’s a reference to a character from “The Little Mermaid” who took Ariel’s voice.  Melissa can’t sing because she must rest her voice and Teresa is ticked, says “what does she think she’s Beyoncé?”  Teresa, once again, trashes on Melissa’s childhood dream and says Joe only built the studio so that Melissa doesn’t go to New York and that he will do anything if he can make money.  Now Tre, that’s just mean.

The Manzo girls are doing their hair for the party and Assley is texting Lauren to ask if she can bring more people to the New Year’s party. Caroline puts the kibosh on that right quick.  Her deft authority goes well with her “Grease is the Word” hair do.

Meanwhile, back at the Giudice’s, Milania is once again wreaking havoc and tells her father “give me pizza, you old troll.”  Now that’s bratty, but funny.  Throw a Don King wig on da’ Juice-man, and you’ve got yourself an old troll!  Teresa is going on and on to her makeup artist how the girls are so well behaved, as the girls continue to fight and squawk at each other over the pizza.  Apparently Milania is in the horrible fours.  She puts on Teresa’s leopard print high heeled boots and starts prancing around saying she’s a “rock star” and she is spraying a water bottle all over.  Yes Tre…really well behaved!

Melissa’s makeup artist sets his makeup gun to “prostitution whooah” and starts doing Melissa up.  It could be my imagination, but George the makeup artist and Joe appear to be flirting.  Little Joe is sick and he has passed out head first into a bean bag and appears to have dislocated his lower body.  Poor thing, he didn’t even know what hit him.  Melissa is questioning Kathy about how she is going to handle seeing Teresa.  Then Melissa says that Teresa was going to put an old family picture of Melissa in the new cookbook to be mean and show people what she used to look like.  They show a picture of Melissa, and she really doesn’t look too much different.  As Melissa tells this story, she breaks out into her impression of Teresa, which is actually pretty funny.  Teresa says Melissa used to wear too much makeup and to Melissa, dem’s fightin’ words.

Lauren talks about how she wants to get engaged so she is wearing a fake ring on her ring finger.  She talks about her sausage fingers and then she and Caroline get in to the age old debate, is it better to look good or feel good?  Caroline says “if you’re a busted mess, but you’re happy and comfortable, what’s wrong with that?”  Well Caroline, Fernando would disagree with you, “It is better to look good, than to feel good.”  You look mahh-velous!

The Brownstone is a hoppin’, that place is like a license to print money.  The ladies go up to the private washroom and Teresa starts rehashing Christmas Eve with Caroline.  Caroline is trying to explain her stance and Teresa is looking at her like she has a third eye.  Teresa admits that she is irritated that Caroline invited Kathy, but again Teresa, not your party.

The Boys II Manzo’s are making fun of Caroline’s coif.  Albie says she looks like an old English Princess and that she has the whole Wyatt Erp thing going on.  Christopher says she looks like a 50’s greazer that is going to pull out a razor blade at a malt shop.  Maybe that was the significance of the earlier random shots of Albert shaving with the straight razor.  Hmm…there may be a greazer knife fight here yet!

The Gorga’s arrive and whadda ya’ know, Melissa is wearing a hat!  They all greet one another and Kathy presents Caroline with a basket of home-made baked goods.  Teresa then mocks Kathy’s cooking and says that her cookbook influenced Kathy to start cooking.  Well, hate to break it to ya’ Tre, but Kathy is a baker, which is way different than cooking.  Baking is actually a science, and Kathy happens to be the Albert Einstein of Baking.  Her desserts are off da’ hook.

Maybe the name of the show should be changed to “The Teresa Giudice Show”, it’s all about her!  Melissa is chatting with Jacqueline and they talk about how when it’s your blood you need to forgive and forget.  I hope Melissa can forgive her makeup artist and I hope she does not forget to remove her eye makeup before she goes to bed.  She is going to need a gallon of paint thinner to get that clown shit off.

We have the Daily Double of Douchery with Richie and Juicy joking around at the bar.  They are calling each other “dickface” and “mofo”, etc.  They both look totally wasted and they can’t talk right, they’re hugging and slobbering all over one another.  Teresa says Richie is being nice and pleasant to be around.  I guess she enjoys seeing Richie and Juicy act like blathering idiots together.

Ashley is trying to coax a drink at the bar although she is under age.  Caroline ain’t havin’ it and the Manzo Army is on her like flies on a rib roast.  Richie’s daughter, Victoria is dressed like an extra in a Poison video and she is approached by an older man at the party.  Richie totally loses his shit on the guy and Joe jumps in on the interrogation, but he exits quickly and without much of a scene.

Melisa is trying to have the blood conversation with Teresa about Kathy.  Teresa says that Kathy left a bad taste in her blood.  She is just saying you should forgive Tre, not go all Twilight on her ass!  So on top of not making any sense, Teresa is yammering on in this howler monkey mode.  Teresa, please, can we use our indoor irrational skank voice?  The looks on Caroline’s and Jacqueline’s faces are hilarious.  They can’t take it anymore.  Caroline is trying to reason with Teresa and it’s a lost cause.  Geezz, why does Caroline have to do all the heavy lifting?

It’s a night of fun-filled frivolity at the Brownstone…there’s enough juice there to keep them all fat-n-giggly and the clock strikes midnight.  Caroline stands on the steps overlooking the room and she reflects on the good ol’ fashioned family grab-ass that lies before her.

Everyone is hugging kissing saying happy new year, and then there is a very disturbing shot of Juicy rubbing his meaty paw all over the front of Teresa’s dress.  He really is an old troll, an old, barbarian, slobbering troll.

Looks like next week it goes down between Jacqueline and Assley.  Apparently, Assley’s mouth writes a check that her fist can’t cash.  Now dem’s fightin’ words!

It’s the Thought That Counts

It’s the eve of Jesus’ Birthday and we pick up where we left off at the Giudices.  Joe drops the bomb on Tre that they are leaving to go to Kathy’s.  Well Tre is spittin’ nickels over this because she set a place for them at their dinner table and he is going to dinner at Kathy’s.  Smart man, I am sure Kathy’s desserts are going to be off da’ hook.  Of course, somehow, Tre takes this as a personal affront and Kathy is not a good cousin.  Tre plays the kid card and the “our parents aren’t going to be around much longer” card, which should be her ace in the hole, but Joe calls her bluff and they leave.

Holy Manzo’s, Caroline has a zillion people in her house.  She is still one self-admitted hot mess.  Correct me if I am wrong, but I think we caught our precious Caroline sniffin’ her pits on camera!  Gotta love Caroline, the Manzos put the “real” in reality television.

Tre is helping Joe carry the presents outside and Tre won’t let up on using the kids and their heartbreak to get them to stay.  Antonia is actually a bit upset and doesn’t really want to go, but Joe is sticking to his guns.  Joe says goodbye to his father and for the first time, I notice his father’s extreme comb over.  His hair is literally parted about an inch above the nape of his neck and it’s swooped over the top of his head.  He is completely bald in the back and he just has this one-inch fringe around his neck.  I would pay money to see him caught in a windstorm or take a ride on a tilt-a-whirl.  There is nothing so beautiful as a disheveled comb-over.  The more extreme, the better.  We also learn that Papa Gorga has stopped by Joe and Melissa’s house three times and she was not home.  She asks him to call first next time and he tells her that “he no usea da’ phone!”  Maybe he can shoot Melissa a text.  Is there an emoticon with a comb-over?  If not, there should be.  G to the ia is also very upset that they are leaving and she is clinging to Joe for dear life.  He promises they will get together soon.

Back at the Manzo’s, Albert is finally arriving home after working at the Brownstone and he and Caroline share a special moment and they are just so cute together.  The Boyz II Manzos start trying to fool Jacqueline’s son CJ by jingling their bells outside of the window.  Well, CJ will not be fooled, he can see Christopher lying on the ground in the mud and dog crap, shaking the bells.  They think this is the funniest thing ever, but CJ is not particularly amused.

We are back in the car with the Gorga’s, apparently Joe has not drank too much yet.  He plans to do that at the Wakile’s.  Of course, Kathy has put on a lush, beautiful spread and Kathy and Rosie are drinking Patron on the rocks in the kitchen.  Rosie is wearing a white shirt, but it looks like a chef’s coat, which is a very odd fashion choice.  There is an entire sea bass on the counter and Rosie looks like she is working the carving station.  All she needs is a tall paper chef hat.  Maybe Joe has one of those hats in his collection.  Richie and Joe marvel over the sea bass while Kathy and Melissa scoop on the time they had at the Giudice’s.  Joe tells them it will take time to heal.

Caroline is discussing New Year’s and who will be invited to the party at the Brownstone.  It is here where Caroline admits that she just can’t get enough of Joe Gorga.  Christopher and Albie chime in that they have already invited Joe and Melissa, done deal.  Caroline is on the fence about inviting Richie and Kathy, Jacqueline predicts Teresa would say “no” and then Caroline, once again the voice of reason, says “well it’s not Teresa’s party.”  You go girl, can I get a whoot whoot!?!?!  Jacqueline is worried that she will look like a jerk if she picks sides.  Jacqueline needs to “Stay out of it, Nick Lachey!”  (only fans of “The Soup” will get that joke).

Albie asks if they will need security for Jeff Goldblum, which is funny because I commented that Richie looked just like Jeff Goldblum at the beginning of the series.  I am sure everyone has thought it, but it is finally verbalized by one of our cast members.  The Manzo’s sit down to open up their special gifts.  They all love their bracelets that represent the family and Lauren and Albie are tearing up.

Finally, it’s the day, Jesus’ Birthday!  Of course, all the kids are up at the crack of dawn opening presents.  The Laurita’s are having fun with their toys and Jacqueline tells us that Assley has not given her anything for Christmas or Mother’s Day.  She said a photo book or a cotton ball tissue box holder would be nice.  Could her standards get any lower?  Assley is delivering a voice-over stating that she spent a lot of money on her car and she probably should have gotten her parents something, but WHATEVER.  I swear this chick needs an attitude transplant and an Alberto VO5 hot oil treatment.

The Gorga’s come down to some amazing presents for the kids and they are having a great time.  Joe is obviously bringin’ home da’ bacon, or they are in serious debt.  Melissa spares no expense for Jesus’ birthday!  Joe bought her a pair of shoes and a Louis Vuitton rolly suitcase.  She gives Joe kisses and she is very happy, but wait…there’s more!  A gold Rolex watch is on the tree for Melissa.  I don’t know how Joe can afford all of this, plus the hats!  My God, the money they must spend on hats alone!

We now arrive at the funniest part of the show, the Guidice girls trying to get Juicy out of bed.  They all greet him and say “Merry Christmas” and papa honey bear replies “Merry Christmas, now get outta here.”  G to the ia suggests the open presents without him and Tre ain’t havin’ it and G to the ia delivers this line perfectly in her little adolescent Jersey-girl, Italian dialect “But it’s gonna take foreva…” complete with a hand gesture with her flashy knock-off Princess Di ring.  The girls don’t have a tarp or a catapult, so they are going to have to improvise.  They jump all over Juicy’s stomach as if it were a hippity-hop and he can’t take it.

So Teresa delivers a jet-stream of bullshit from her mouth saying they did not go overboard on presents because they couldn’t spend “crazy money” and that they are teaching the girls the true meaning of Christmas.  Juicy is lying on the couch with his shirtless, fat ass and holding his arm in the air with the video camera above the couch taping the girls opening gifts and he cannot even see them.  Now that is just LAZY.

The girls get a ton of stuff including a drum set, a cell phone, Ugg boots, and…a mini-Mercedes car.  Teresa is still yammering on about how Christmas is not about material things.  Meanwhile, the girls can hardly contain their excitement and they scream “We have a Mercedes, and Mercedes rule.”  When I was that age, I didn’t even know what a Mercedes was.  Teresa and Juicy will never be out of debt.

Everyone is keeping Juicy awake, he can’t wait to crawl back into his cave.  Teresa gives him a necklace and Juicy gives Teresa a pair of gloves.  The Gorga Christmas morning display is a tough act to follow!  Teresa is putting the necklace on Juicy and he rips the nastiest, juicy burp ever.  I swear, that burp had chunks on it.  At this point, I am just disgusted by Juicy, there are really no words.  You would think Teresa would tell him to put a shirt on.  They’re on national television for cripes sake.

After I returned from washing my eyes out with bleach, Teresa is trying on a coat that Juicy got her and he says “you’re going to exchange it” and the girls agree that she always returns his gifts.  Teresa says it only happened once or twice when he bought her a beige Louis Vuitton bag…and nobody rocks a beige Louis Vuitton.  Hey Tre, even Louis Vuitton makes mistakes!

Back at the Wakile’s they are opening gifts.  Kathy’s daughter opens up two pairs of shoes.  Now maybe it’s just me, but there seems to be a lot of shoe giving here, which is odd to me.  I don’t know how you can buy shoes for someone and I don’t think I have ever received shoes as a gift.  Shoes are really something you need to try on.  Oh well, on with the madness…Kathy has given Richie a ring because he has not been wearing a wedding band.  Richie has blown some smoke up Kathy’s ass about how wearing a wedding band makes him more attractive to women because it means he’s a keeper.  He’s a keeper all right, keep him in the basement.  Kathy, you have nothing to worry about, I don’t see women lining for a Jeff Goldblum knock-off that looks like he’s been dipped in whiskey.

Kathy’s children present her with a heartfelt speech.  Joseph says they know she wants to do her “catering and such and such” and then her daughter reads her a lovely letter that even makes Richie cry.  They give her a laptop that they bought for her with their combined allowance.  They must get about $300 a week to do the dishes and take out the trash.  Richie and Kathy can afford a nice allowance for their kids because they are the only ones who live in a normal sized house.

Caroline and Albert are in the car and he takes her down “memory lane” figuratively and literally.  Albert pulls over underneath a significant overpass where he proposed to Caroline the first time.  He apparently never did it properly because he was so nervous.  Well Albert is claiming his “do over moment” and he gets out, gets down on one knee, and proposes to Caroline all over again.  She is so touched and he presents her with a ring that has the original diamonds from her engagement ring.  Caroline had not been able to wear the ring in years because she was only 92 pounds when they were engaged.  Albert had the whole thing re-done for her.  So…I guess Teresa or Melissa can congratulate Caroline on her re-done ring.

Joe has one last surprise for Melissa and he takes her down to the finished recording studio.  Melissa is thrilled, but wants crystals on the microphone.  I can’t even imagine what this cost him and she is focusing in on the lack of bling on her microphone.  Hummph!  Joe is giddy because now he has her trapped, right where he wants her, locked in the basement.  Joe “Happy Pants” likes Melissa in her tights and he insinuates that he wants a little “quality time” with Melissa and she refuses, “Not on Jesus’ Birthday!”  No, Joe, not a chance in hell, that would just be disrespectful.

Back at the Giudice’s they are simmering down from the present opening melee.  I think Juicy must have a head cold or something, he looks and sounds like crap and he is blowing his schnaz.  Meanwhile, G to the ia runs away to go blow chunks.  She is totally sick and Teresa seems to think Chamomile tea is going to cure what ails her.  The other girls are playing with the makeup kit and it looks like they are applying eye shadow as lipstick.  G to the ia clearly has the flu and leave it to Teresa to take her picture right after she chunders.  G to the ia actually strikes a pose though, what a trooper!

Teresa starts bitching about Joe again.  I swear she’s like a broken effin’ record.  Juicy kinda pacifies her and you can tell by the sound of his voice that he is truly ill.  Teresa needs to knock her shit off and let everyone go back to bed.  Juicy calls Melissa a “witch of a wife” and then says he’s goin’ back ta bed!  That must be the Robitussin talkin’.

The Boyz II Manzos are getting ready to go to a concert.  Albie asks Christopher to do him a favor and not be embarrassing and to leave the Cajun voice at home.  He wonders how far Christopher’s head is up his own ass, but he has really just granted Christopher the “Don Rickles License to Kill”.  It turns out the Manzo family is going to see Alexa Ray Joel perform and Albie might have a slight, teensy, tiny crush on her.  Albie is wound tighter than a top over the evening and Jacqueline and Caroline are exacerbating his angst by teasing him on the ride over to the concert.  Caroline thinks that the stars are aligning here, Christopher and Alexa are about the same age and they are both “children of privilege.”  We get a few token shots of Alexa’s famous mother, Christie Brinkley, but there is never any interaction with her.  The chumps in the editing room re-use the clip of Brinkley a few times, but Mr. Joel is not present.

Jacqueline is commenting about how wonderful it is that Alexa wants to create her own success and fortune regardless of who her father is.  So…Jacqueline is comparing this to the situation with Assley and that Assley needs to get her shit together.  I would say the two girls are hardly a comparison, but I do agree that Assley really just needs to get her ass kicked.

Caroline is a bit giddy and she is stirring the pot a bit between the Boyz II Manzo’s, but in a fun way.  Albie is totally flustered because he is worried that Christopher will break out the jokes at his expense.  Christopher says “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” and Albie just wants “the night off.”  Caroline, our wonderful voice of reason, suggests an amicable compromise… “just don’t insult him, in the Cajun voice.”  Alexa comes over to say hello to everyone and it’s a bit painful to watch Albie tense up.  They are talking about age and she realizes that she is older than Albie.  She says “I’m the old maid here!” and Albie says…I kid you not… “you want a milk?  Since you’re the old lady, y’know.”  Wow…just…wow.  Now it’s possible that could have been edited to make Albie look like a total choad, but who knows.  It was pretty funny to watch the rest of the Manzo’s look at him like “what the hell you talkin’ ‘bout, Albie?”

Alexa is adorable, really, but she looks like her father with a wig on.  Sorry Alexa, but it’s true.  Caroline loves her so much, she can barely express herself.  So, we are treated to a bit of her performance of “All I can do is Love.”  I think they should call it “All I can do is Plug.”  All these signing performances on these housewives shows are plugs, shameless plugs.  But Alexa is actually quite talented.  Maybe she will show up down the road as Albie’s girlfriend and she can help Melissa with her singing career.

Caroline winds down the show by reflecting on the spirit of Christmas and the special family bracelets.  And in true Caroline Manzo form she gives us this wonderful nugget…“Whenever you want to call your sister a bitch, or your brother an asshole, just look at the bracelet.”  Well said Caroline, well said!