Lady Bug Out

This season finale has been about as disenchanting as a flat glass of Fabellini.  Since we have already heard about the sentencing handed down to Juicy and Tre, I will just be hitting a few of the low-lights:

Melissa and Tre get together, this is not important, but what is important is the gymnastic mat that Antonia and Milania have placed on the marble floor so they can do flips.  This mat brought back so many good memories, like when a hammered Juicy attempted drunken tumbling on said gymnastic mat, but completely missed the mark and ended up busting his face.  In case you missed it, see my post “Oh Joe He Di’int!”:  https://realityweecap.wordpress.com/2011/08/31/oh-joe-he-di%E2%80%99int/

Joe-face plant

That’s what two…tree…four bottles of wine will do to ya’!

The Non –Dynamic Duo and Dina arrive at Abbey’s Farm where they will hold the Ladybug event.  This house belongs to a friend of the twins, Abbey, and it is like a resort and is Bed, Bath, and Beyond fabulous.  Why she is consenting to allow a bunch of psychotic, bat-shit crazy skanks to bring their weaves all up in da’ joint is beyond me.  Dina will not tolerate any negative or nasty at her charity event, which may greatly diminish the guest list.  Dina has provided security with a photo of Crypt Keeper, Victoria Gotti, and she will not be permitted past the moat.  If anyone starts any shit, they will end up like those two sad sacks, Kathy and Jacs… all puffed up from eating sugary treats while sobbing and clamoring for camera time.

Ter-ess-uh gives the camera a one-on-one interview that will surely send her straight to hell.  She believes that Tre and Juicy’s sentencing and demise of their fambly is a direct result of karma and she taps her wrists together and says “clink clink!”  Now Ter-ess-uh, how dumb are you?  Is that good Karma?

Amber Alert was growing her hair out for five years after she lost it all due to chemotherapy.  She is finally getting it cut off and donating the hair.  Her daughter can’t handle it and is having a major meltdown.  Amber Alert later admits that she hopes the twins won’t recognize her with shorter hair.  Well played, Amber Alert, well played!

Amber-Haircut

Joe is pretending to break ground on his vacant lot where he plans to build his fake house.  Melissa pretends she is JLo and does the poor white woman’s version of the cabbage patch dance on the vacant lot.

Dina is setting up for the Ladybug event and she has enough candy to kill the four Great Danes who live on Abbey’s Farms.  Tre shows up for hair and makeup and does her due diligence (for once in her life) and she is sure to forewarn Dina that if the twins start shit, it’s on them.

Dina-Candy

The Non-Dynamic Duo is already getting fired up for a brawl during their car ride to the event.  Their father, Sal, describes anger as “disappointed love”.  Angry people don’t give or get love in their lives, that’s why Tre is a bitter ol’ skank.

Despite the pre-charity event wind up, the Ladybug fashion show actually comes off without incident.  Antonia and Milania are too cute working the catwalk.  Amber Alert takes Rino aside to discuss the elephant thong in the room, but Rino handles it diplomatically and makes it clear that he doesn’t agree with Jim pretending to be a housewife and shouldn’t be talking to women the way he does.  The talk amicably annnnnd SCENE!

Across the room, the non-dynamic duo has a meeting of the mind and they decide now is the time to confront Tre.  Bobby warns them not to expect an apology, and they charge in.  Tre tries to clarify what was said between she and Crypt Keeper Gotti and she reiterates that Rino started the rumor about he and Santa.  Nicole jumps in and calls Tre stupid, which is one of Tre’s hot buttons and Dina is ready for Tre to “flip a bitch”.  Someone get security on that candy table…STAT!  Tre tries to explain why she repeated the rumor to Dina and they end up agreeing to discuss things directly to each other going forward, and they hug it out.  WHERE IS THE MEOW DOWN!  I want to see weaves flying, drinks being thrown in botoxed faces, and Lee press on nails landing in the candy buffet!

Twins-Confront

We flash forward to October 2, 2014 and Juicy is sentenced to 41 months in jail and possible deportation.  Teresa will serve 15 months.  From what I understand, they will stagger the sentences so that the children will be cared for by at least one parent.

The Laurita’s and Wakile’s are gathered together and receive the news.  A few breakdowns and some shocked reactions.  Rosie reads a prayer from her “God, we are in deep shit” app on her smart phone, and this finishes the rather somber and lackluster season finale.

Wakiles-Sad

See you at the reunion, parts one through eighteen!

No Apologies

We start this week with the B-string cast members, the Laurita’s, Wakile’s, and Rosie, who are getting together to have cannoli and (according to Richie), play “Shack, Marry, Kill”.  Oy!  Kathy has invited the Non-Dynamic Duo over to fully integrate them into the hot ass mess.  Nicole already has Jacs labeled as a trouble maker and Richie and Chris interrogate Bobby to get the lowdown.  Bobby tells the boys that he and Nicole met at Dunkin’ Donuts and he can’t envision dunkin’ his donut in his butter pecan latte without Nicole by his side.  Richie also clarifies the difference between twin Ter-esss-uh, not “Fabellini” Teresa, who Richie calls “felonini”.  Score line of the night for Richie.

Meanwhile, the girls chat and discuss the ill-fated Florida trip and Nicole has no qualms exposing the rumor that was the highlight of the feuding.  I guess it’s okay to perpetuate your own rumor.  Jacs practically chokes on her boxed wine, which she is drinking through a straw.  Keepin’ it klassy, Jacs.  Rosie would have gone prison orange coo-coo pants by now if this rumor was said about her mother, and since the B-cast is too terrified to take on the likes of Victoria Gotti, they all nominate Tree for the dog house because she repeated the rumor.

Kathy-Jacs

Melissa and Amber Alert meet to check in and discuss Jim’s horrific douche-bag behavior and Melissa encourages her to discuss the situation with the twins at the upcoming, and also to be ill-fated, Ladybug charity event.  The only good thing about this charity event is that it signifies the end of the season, there is always the Bravo mandated “confrontation at a fashion-show, charity ball, social event” finale.

Later, the Non-Dynamic Duo go shopping for dresses to wear to the Ladybug Event and they try on some trashy dresses that look like they were made by “Project Runway” rejects during the Fredrick’s of Hollywood Challenge.  Ter-esss-uh is planning a “tasting party” and she plans to invite everyone except Amber Alert and Tre, so what better way to handle this than to call Melissa while she is at a spa day with the bot’ of dem.

Twins-Dresses

At the spa, Dina makes it crystal effing clear that she wants all the differences put aside so her Ladybug event is without incident.  Melissa takes the call from Ter-esss-uh and of course has her on speaker.  When Tre and Amber alert over hear that they are persona non grata at Ter-ess-uh’s tasting party, they crack up and pretend to be sad.  Dina vows to Tre that she will not allow anyone to talk bad about her at the tasting party, which sets these two up for a rift that will surely carry on into season 12.

Spa Day

Later, Amber Alert is getting naked at a horse stable to do a photo shoot to commemorate her breast cancer.  Jim looks on like a proud perv and after they are done, he walks outside and he is so bereft, he actually has to take a knee.  Jim later takes Amber Alert, wearing her best white eyeliner, to an art gallery for a romantic dinner and to view all of her cancer photos on display, on display, on display.  They talk about cancer, life is short, I don’t want you hanging out with those women, WHY ARE THESE TWO SKID MARKS ON THE UNDERPATNS OF SOCIETY ON THIS SHOW?

Amber-Posing

Tre and G to the ia go out to get pedicures and Tre talks about birth control and then tells G to the ia that she “had something taken out today”, which must mean an IUD.  That is all Tre needs is to pull the damn goalie and get pregnant before she is shipped off to prison camp.  She may not even have to worry about who will care for G to the ia because the poor kid is about to die of embarrassment.

It’s the night of Ter-esss-uh’s tasting party and Melissa takes the opportunity to confirm that everything is copacetic because she wants to bring Antonia to the Ladybug event and will not tolerate a bunch of hags fighting like cats in a pillowcase in front of her daughter.  They sort it out and come up with an outstanding solution that will happen when miniature, disabled, pot-bellied pigs fly out of Dina’s ass.  The twins want an apology from Tre for perpetuating the Santarinogate rumor and Dina volunteers to spearhead that effort.

In other news, Nicole and Bobby go to look at a huge southern style plantation mansion that Nicole thinks she is going to buy for herself.  Bobby anticipates getting engaged within the next year, so I am not sure why she would buy a house listed at $899,000 with royal blue shag carpet.  This is just annoying filler and we all know there is no way Nicole is even serious about buying this house.  We all know she wants to get engaged to Bobby, move in with him, and register at Bed, Bath, and Beyond a hot mess and Dunkin’ Donuts.

Dina sits down to meet with Melissa and Tre and she informs them that she got a nasty text from Amber Alert and she and Jim won’t have anything to do with the Ladybug event.  Dina is wary because she has only sold 105 tickets and now that Jim and Amber Alert are boycotting the event, they will not be inviting all of their imaginary friends.  Tre has come to the table bearing Ladybug sprinkle cookies and Melissa and Dina request that Tre apologize to the Non-Dynamic Duo for repeating the Santarinogate rumor.  I swear if Tre were “no longer a hot-tempered Italian” who “will not be provoked”, she would have flipped that Ikea kitchen table right through the ceiling, destroying Dina’s beloved shoe collection.

Tre-NotSorry

Tre turns the attack on Dina, who felt the need to repeat the rumor to the twin twits in the first place.  WORD!  Tre refuses to make any kind of regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure, as if this is a shocker?  Tre has enough drama in her life and she is appalled that the twins would even ask for an apology.  This sets up the drama for next week at the long anticipated Ladybug event where Tre may snap like Mike Tyson at a spelling bee.  Brace for impact…

Never Ending Journey

Let’s put this never ending fight to bed, shall we!?!?!  Where we left off, Bobby finally emerged from the bathroom and he is confronting Jim in classic Jersey style by shouting, clapping, and serenading them from the top of the staircase shortly before retreating to the bathroom again.  I swear he must be up there cutting lines like a handicapped kid at Disney world.  With the twins left on their own to fight this battle through their drunken hysteria, it’s about to get turnt up in here.  Ter-ess-uh is going crack house rat crazy and we see Nicole mouth the words “let’s go”…funny, I never pegged Nicole as the calm, sensible one.  Amber Alert is pissed at Jim and Melissa won’t be left out, she is the new and improved voice of reason.  Ter-ess-uh decides to have a smoke and Amber Alert joins her.  She flips her hair like a pro and lights up that Virginia Slim, F*CK YOU CANCER, F*CK YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE!  Dina says that Jim definitely has a vagina and tells Amber Alert, “I’m sorry you’re married to a dick.”  So, does that make Jim a hermaphrodite?  Ugh…Ter-ess-uh states that Jim is a perfect example of a Napoleon complex and Jim retorts with “you’re a perfect example of an uneducated dumb f*ck.”  Keep it klassy Jimbo!

Amber smoking

Then, as if he were hatched fresh from a boil on Satan’s anus, Jim starts yelling about Rino and his escapades, including trying to bang local crypt keeper, Victoria Gotti, dating a rusty or Russian stripper, and then he drops the mutha of all bombs… “I think he f*cked your mom!”  Joe rushes Jim off to bed to extract him from what has become an out of control shit show.  Amber Alert follows and she is clearly tore up from the floor up.  Nothing good can come from this, it will only end in tears, this situation is FRAUGHT WITH PERIL!

Alec_Baldwin_Fraught

Dina tells Ter-ess-uh that this talk of Rino and Santa was the rumor that she was speaking about and the non-dynamic duo flies off their broom handle.  They are horrified that everyone has been gossiping about this the whole time and Dina has had enough of this nutbaggery, she looks at the camera, Dina Manzo is DUNZO!  Melissa suggests, in the interest of Zen, they all sleep it off on it.

The next morning in Florida, Jim should be hiding under the bed, but he is in the kitchen whipping up breakfast as if nothing has happened.  Ter-ess-uh is packing her shit and plans to head over to her vacation home to meet Rino, which is five minutes away.  Why didn’t she go sooner?  Melissa is so furious that she must rub oil all over her body and get some sun.  Amber Alert is hunched over her breakfast like a hungover skag and when the conversation inevitably turns to the ugly events of the evening prior, Jim’s response is that it was all in good fun.  Melissa is stunned and leave it to Dina to put the kibosh on all this, after all it is severely f*cking with her Zen.  Dina emerges, looking fabulous in her jammy pants, and confronts Jim and Amber Alert, “you’re sittin’ there in your bikini and your gold jewelry like it’s no big deal, get up, pack your bags, and go!”  Dayum!  Amber Alert is reduced to tears again and she seems to forget that everyone else was perfectly fine in Florida before she and her dick vagina husband arrived.  Joe makes a drink and a toast, “the poison has left the building!”

Dina-pack and go

Meanwhile back in Jersey, a small puppy is suffering from shaken baby syndrome.  Milania is trying to burp the puppy like it’s a baby and I’m surprised the thing hasn’t bitten her ear off yet.  The fambly is having breakfast in the kitchen when Juicy announces that he and Tre have decided to forgo their separate rooms and will be spending the night as a couple in the fantasy suite.  Wait, wrong show… Tre and Juicy will have a “date night” to keep the fambly “on a float… no wait, on a flow” says Tre.  Because what better way to spend their fleeting moments with their children then to dump them off at Nana and Papa’s?

The jailbirds spend the night at The Carlton hotel and enjoy a plate of oysters, which Juicy likens to “a sloppy va-jay-jay”.  Really.  Appetizing.  Juicy figures dat he and da mizzuz have been working so hard defrauding banks, they deserve it and whatever, y’know.  We are treated to a flashback photo of Tre and Joe from the good ol’ days when they were just engaging in petty theft.  Tre has a huge head and a super skinny body, she looks like a walkin’ candy apple.  Juicy delivers a lovely toast to his “bitch wife”… “to our girls, our health, and for being the luckiest guy in the world, because I’m married to you.”  And you’re going down with me, 15 months in the pokey, you stupid skank of epic proportion.  I hear orange is the new leopard!

Tre-Joe-Night_out

We have a brief moment with Jacs and Kathy, I’m not sure why because nobody cares about these two, who are clearly clinging for dear life for their spots on this train wreck.  Jacs is like a damn dog with a bone, she talks about reaching out to Tre again and getting an abrupt, short response and Kathy advises she let it go and move on.  Later, Jacs shares a “date night” of her own.  She and hubby stay at home because they are trying to live within their means.  What a novel concept!  Chris tells her that as far as the Juicy and Tre situation goes, the writing is on the wall.  Now let’s get busy cooking dinner, so we can go get busy!

Back in Boca, what is left of the group boards a yacht called the “Never Ending Journey”, how apropos.  The gang is having a great day in the hot tub, knockin’ ‘em back and Bobby is trying to keep up, drink for drink, with Joe.  Dina is being a little bit of a shit-stirring diva and tells Nicole that Bobby should have been by Nicole’s side throughout the melee the night before and not hiding in the bathroom like the little bitch that he is.  Dina doesn’t think Bobby is in it to win it and then, suddenly, Bobby and Joe dive into the ocean and start horsing around in the water.  They wash ashore, wrestle in the soft white sand, pretend to perform CPR on each other, then Bobby gently whispers in Joe’s ear “If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.”  It borders the line of unhealthy bromance and could be the reason Bobby hasn’t put a ring on Nicole it.

Bromance

Later that night, a chef has come to the Miami Vice Mansion from Hell to prepare dinner, but Bobby is too hammered to show up.  Nicole took a nap in her bikini, which tells me she was gacked to the nines as well.  Melissa, Joe, and Dina are the only ones who make it to the dinner table and Nicole eventually comes down.  She tries to pass off Bobby’s absence as “food poisoning”.  Yes, too much vodka food.  Ter-ess-uh and Rino stop by to say hello and they all have a good laugh.  Rino thinks that the Santarinogate rumor is so outlandish that it’s hilarious.  Bobby finally drags his way downstairs and I can almost smell him through the television, a hard mix of stale pork rinds and sticky bar room floor.  Joe gives a toast to “friends, happiness, and good people.”  Yes, good people who are not of the mother f*cking variety…

Next week, Jacs and Kathy meet the twins and get in on the dish.  Rosie declares “the whole word mother f*cker has a whole new meaning!” Now that’s something to smoke about!

Rosie Cigarette

[Photo Credits: Bravo]