They Paved Paradise and Put Up a Parking Lot

How ironical!  Hurricane Irene is on the way and is threatening New Jersey, everyone must evacuate!  Good thing our fun group of ass clowns are heading out to Napa this week.  A Jersey storm is a-brewin’ all right as all the ladies start packing for the RV trip.  Teresa is all over it with her leopard pajamas, her leopard slippers, and her leopard spanx.  G to the ia rolls her eyes as her skanky mother flaunts a yellow sequined swim suit that looks like something a hooker on 3rd shift would wear.  The Juice man tells her to bring some sensible shoes for hiking and she is flabbergasted that she can’t wear her heels.  I don’t think Teresa has a clue where she is going, but she is definitely packed to appear on a pole in Hoboken.

Jacs is packing away as well, and she too is having problems deciding on the sassy platform shoes or the corkie wedges.  She asks Chris “what is the artinerary”, (you read that right).  In typical Manzo fashion, he boils it down, three outfits to wear out and rest is casual!  Jacs idea of camping is waiting for a good parking spot at the mall.

Teresa is still whining about how hurt she is and Juicy tells to shadddup, he’s heard it 100 times!  He tells her not to worry about it because she will be with him and Teresa jumps in his arms and his knees practically buckle.  Yes, because he is all she needs, a disgusting, controlling, mucinex slug by her side.  She is worried about the hurricane, but “all it means is a lot of rain and windy, ri’ight?”

Albie and Lindsey discuss his impending trip and sassy Greg and Christopher join the convo while Albie asks Lindsey to stay in the apartment for a while.  Translation = move in.  Lindsey agrees and can’t wait to have all night pajama parties with Albie so they can discuss their dreams and aspirations.  Albie shits his pants a little bit in anticipation of what Mama Manzo will say.  He doesn’t seem to care though because he is happy and he has never “had this sensation before”.  Well Albie, that “sensation” should probably be checked out at the local free clinic.  Don’t worry, they are very discreet.  The Boyz II Manzos continue to prep for the trip, but due to the weather, Christopher describes their trip as the A$$ley Holmes trip.  “Going to California by way of Texas, by way of New Jersey.”

We are treated to some cameos of Matt Lauer and Governor Chris Christie discussing the evacuation of the area due to the storms.  The clan decides to drive to Pittsburgh which will take five hours, this is a great start to the trip.  There is some raw home video of the gang, all travelling amicably.  Kathy just hopes it’s not the “calm before the storm”.  Oh Kathy, you recipe sealer punster!  The men are peeing roadside while Teresa listens to Melissa’s latest single “How Many Times” and offers critique stating, “you should have called it ‘Dreams Do Come True’!”  I am sure Melissa is thinking “How many times do I have to restrain myself from punching you in the face, but all of my dreams would come true if I could!”

The gang finally arrives in San Francisco and they take a shuttle bus to their next pit stop.  Caroline is appalled at the outfits everyone is wearing for camping and points out Teresa’s shoes.  Teresa says “at least they look Aztec-ey, we’re going to a Native American place, ri’ight?”.  Good God Juicy, you call me when you kill her.  I will help you hide the body.  As sassy Greg gazes out the bus window, he ponders how cows mate so Lauren Googles “how cows get it on”.  There is a collective scream as they watch a You Tube video of Ray J and Kim Kardashian a bull and a cow mating.  Teresa is so clueless, she says “what are you looking at, horses?”  Seriously Juicy, I will help you bury her body.

They stop at Camping World to purchase supplies and pick up the rented RV’s.  They are all running around like idiots buying shit they will never need.  Kathy is riding around on a bike and Teresa compares her to the witch from the Wizard of Oz.  Teresa is excited about the game aisle and decides to buy…ahem…Scrabble.  Teresa, you actually have to use words that are, like, in the real dictionary.  They ring up about $4,500 in supplies and Albie asks the cashier if they have enough supplies for 36 hours and she says “that’s enough for a lifetime, honey”.  They have no brains, but plenty of Bravo funny money to burn.

Caroline has taken the opportunity to steal the sausage and cheese that Vito brought, Juicy is stealing other people’s camping supplies, everyone finishes loading up, and Teresa is in the bathroom of the RV having explosive diarrhea.  Melissa is coaching her through the poop. “just push it out!”  Chris gets Joe on the walkie-talkie and he announces Teresa is having a “shit attack”.

They are driving up through the mountains and the windy roads, Kathy is very nervous and she is glad she brought her rosary with her.  Sassy Greg man’s their RV and he feels like “Sandra Bullock in Speed!”  As the RV’s take the sharp turns, things are flying faster than insults at a Manzo family dinner.  Christopher is lecturing Jacs on everyone getting along, but she is the eternal optimist and thinks Teresa has been so nice so far.  They arrive at Pillar Point RV Park and Teresa starts bitching immediately because it is a parking lot and not the Four Seasons.  “That’s not camping, that’s homeless,” Albie adds.  Melissa coaxes Teresa out of the RV to meet the neighbors.  They ask a group of ladies what they do for fun and they say “drink moonshine” and Teresa goes on and on about Grappa and how much this place sucks.  Melissa is completely embarrassed.

Richie and Teresa discuss some old times when they used to hang out on Juicy Joe’s boat before it got repo’ed.  Richie leaves Kathy alone with Teresa and warns them to “get along”.  Teresa starts in on Kathy about the bakery book signing and how Kathy kept saying “my mom’s recipes”.  Kathy doesn’t even remember saying it and if she did, all she meant was that the recipes reminded her of things her mom used to make and how their mothers used to bake together.  Kathy is frustrated, back to square one.  She tells the camera that she wants Teresa to “back the eff off”, but she tells Teresa she is glad she brought it up and didn’t let it fester like the boils Juicy probably has on his asshole.  They continue to converse about all the tension, but Teresa is confident that everything will work out for the best.  Even if Kathy is a two-faced, recipe stealin’ hoo-ah.  Oh geez…who cares?  Teresa is an effing lunatic.

Joe wakes up and the RV is hotter than an Easy Bake Oven and he is pissed because he sweated off his spray tan.  The thermostat is set at 101 degrees and Juicy said he turned it up because he was freezing.  Luckily Joe is too tired to throttle him in the throat with his fist.

Melissa jumps into bed with Juicy and Teresa and they start checking out each other’s bubbies.  Teresa does another little moment with the camera in her hideous Johnny Weir and Bjork made a baby outfit and gripes about Melissa always grabbing her.

The gang is trying to prepare some breakfast, Albert wants some bacon and Joe, well he’ll have some eggs with a side of indecent exposure.  While Joe flashes Tarzan to the gang, Richie isn’t looking much better.  After he and Kathy attempt to have some sexy time, but realize they cannot, he is walking around in his boxers with a pixelated modesty patch.  How many times do we need to see these men and their junk?  My dreams would come true if they would just never show that again.

Kathy tries to make muffins in the microwave and they come out a hot mess.  Caroline admits she is having a good time, but she is staying away from Teresa.  Kathy tells Caroline and Jacs about the wonderful conversation she had with Teresa and promised them she won’t get in the middle of their respective dramas, but cautions them not to let one falling out ruin everything they have with Teresa.  What, everything they have with Teresa?  A pile of bull shit?  Have you been watching the show, Kathy?

Teresa invites Melissa for a walk on the beach with their blankies.  Melissa hopes for a bonding chat and Teresa immediately starts bashing Kathy, the recipe pilfering hoo-ah!  She tells Melissa her side of the story and throws Kathy under the RV with the greatest of ease.  Melissa’s understanding was that Teresa’s mother did get the recipes from Kathy’s mother, and then Teresa put them in the book.  Teresa is clearly looking for an ally here, but Melissa ain’t havin’ it.  Melissa tries to talk Teresa back to the planet and Teresa is on the defense and thinks Melissa is on Kathy’s side.  Melissa points out that maybe Teresa should sit back and take a look at herself, because she is having problems with everyone.  True dat.  Teresa is the common denominator.

Teresa starts her usual back-peddling, double-talking, bullshit, but Melissa thinks they are having a “breakthrough”.  I guess an unproductive conversation without yelling and feverish finger pointing is a breakthrough here.

What do you think, Caroline?

A Trowel for Your Troubles?

Teresa thinks she and Juicy are heading to a vineyard, but Juicy quickly corrects his wifey, “it’s a winery”, he growls.  Poor Teresa, she doesn’t know what a vineyard is, but she does know that she can’t wait to get a Bellini down her gullet and neither can Juice man, “they give you a nice buzz” he says.  Teresa is trying to formulate her own “Fabellini”, but she doesn’t like “anything that tastes diety, like Skinny Girl.”  Oh snap, it’s on.  Teresa, you may want to make a mental note of this:  Bethenney Frankel has chunks of bitches like you in her stool.  Teresa yammers on about branding herself and Juicy tells her she can do whatever the eff she wants.  She talks of making Teresa aprons and her own pasta, Juicy tries to muster up a shit and suggests “T” shaped pasta, and Teresa runs with it and says she could do pasta shapes in the letters of her whole name.  It is here she pronounces her own last name in two different ways, proving that even she doesn’t know how to say it.  Is it Jew-dee-chay or Joo-dick-chay?  We will never know.  As the happy couple approaches a toll booth, Teresa asks the Juice man for his wallet, but he says he “left it in a friend’s car”.  She persists on knowing who this “friend” was, but he evades her questions.  These two are as shady as f*ck.

Meanwhile at the Gorga compound, little Geno is punching Joe in the face.  Melissa is trying to discipline, but is interrupted by the doorbell.  Antonia opens the door without Melissa present and gets scolded.  The Gorga kids are running amuck today!  But there’s no Jehovah’s Witness stranger danger at the door here, it’s Corte Ellis from the Soul Diggaz!  They sit down over some wine and cheese to discuss pursuing a record label to further Melissa’s career.  Well Joe doesn’t need no stinkin’ label!  Corte tries to dissuade Joe from trying to take this on himself and Melissa knows it’s a dog eat dog world out there.  Yeah, and she’s wearing milk bone underwear.  Corte has played Melissa’s music for his friend Jason, who works for a major label, and he is excited about her music.  Joe is a bit huffy, he wants to make sure he gets the right price for Melissa.

Caroline and Lauren “go out for coffee” and they “happen” by the old salon, Chateau, and see that it is for rent.  We are taken down memory lane and we see some old footage of the ladies, back when Danielle Staub was beginning to create ratings chaos.  Lauren is thrilled at the possibility that she could snag the old Chateau space where she launched her one day career.  That will show them, [insert sinister laugh here].

Teresa and Juicy arrive at the “Brotherhood – America’s Oldest Winery”.  All Juicy can do is bitch about her driving and parking.  Jeezs this guy is like a basket full o’ fresh laundry and puppies, ain’t he?  He should shut his fat ass, the last time he parked a car, it was wrapped around a pine tree.  They meet with Cesar the Enologist.  Juicy calls him a neurologist and then he thinks he’s being funny and calls him a “no-knowledge-ist”.  Yeah Juice man, insult the guy that is trying to help your wife concoct her products and ultimately line your penniless pockets, you slug, you dog, you turd, you unsophisticated rube!  Teresa starts talking about how she has been researching inredientces (suck it, spell check!) and Colleen, the wine house director, corrects her “it’s ingredients”.  Juicy wants to go right to the champagne, no peach nectar for him.  Teresa is trying to do her thing and he keeps chiming in, just being obnoxious.  Juicy also reveals that he has made a promise to himself, he doesn’t drink during the week, but he starts on Thursday.  This is not a good sign for several reasons.  First of all Thursday is a week day, not a week end, unless you are in college.  Second, if you have to make a “promise to yourself” and practice “controlled drinking” where you only drink on certain days that end in “y”, well my good Juice man, you may have the beginnings of a real problem.  The winery peeps give him sad panda faces and Colleen tells them they have arranged a car for them to get home.  She must know the Joo-Duh-Chays very well.

Melissa is prepping for a photo shoot and they have her laying on her dining room table amid rose petals wearing a pink dress.  She writhes around like a half dead flounder and starts moaning and groaning to get her into the mood to deliver for the camera.  Joe reminds us that she doesn’t need a record label, he “owns Melissa”.  He proceeds to tell us “I told her to put on her porn star attitude because that’s what Jesus would do I love that men want my wife and they can’t have her, suckers!”  The photographer then wants to do some shots of her walking in another slutty getup, but Melissa can’t quite master walking and having her picture taken at the same time.

Teresa and Juicy arrive at a bakery for a book signing, Teresa touts that her signings have become “real high class affairs”.  Juicy sneaks into the back of the bakery where he is out of view, but still mic’d.  Some unknown man offers him a glass of wine or “a little Johnny Gold”.  Juice takes the wine and they chat, Juicy says coming to these things for his wife is a pain in the ass.  Again, about as supportive as a paper bag full of vomit.  Caroline gives her take to the camera, “Prediction, something is going to happen and someone is going to have to go somewhere”.  Well played Caroline, well played.  We can’t use the “J” word.  Teresa is going to have to pull herself up, divorce him, and show her daughters what it is like to be strong.  “There’s a book there somewhere, you heard it here first”, she says.

Juicy Joe is “Too Cool” for these book signings, even though they are high class affaris, in case you missed it:

Jacs and Lauren take a meeting with Bellappierre Cosmetics.  Apparently, Jacs is a licensed cosmetologist and has quite the head for bidness and a knack for making it look like Crayola gang banged her face.  They sit down, Lauren orders water and Jacs says “I could use a screaming orgasm”, really Jacs, really?  Lauren is trying to describe her Cafface concept and defers to “It’s like Sephora with services”.  Proving again that she hates the Cafface concept.  Jacs busts out more of her savvy bidness knowledge and asks the cosmetic reps “do you know about vajazzling?”  “Rhinestones on your Chuckie”, Lauren explains.  Jacs crazy pills kick in and she proceeds to spill some of her drink on herself and Lauren…and scene!

Meanwhile, back at the high class affair book signing, the Wakile’s show up to offer support.  Kathy invites Teresa to her dessert tasting at Gelotti’s and Teresa starts pointing out all the dessert recipes in her book and Kathy keeps saying “oh my mother’s cookies”, etc.  Of course, Teresa thinks it’s a “cheap, passive aggressive shot”.  Yet another taboo subject for Teresa, saying that anyone ever made the same dessert recipe in any Italian family, anywhere, EVER.  Oh copy-cat gate, you wily minx, we sense you are afoot.

Kathy is preparing for her dessert tasting in the parking lot at Gelati’s.  Rosie, Joseph, and Victoria are decorating an outdoor tent with flags and hand-made signs.  Richie tells Kathy that he hopes Teresa doesn’t come because she feels like Teresa is taking advantage of Kathy’s good nature and kicking her around.  Which is true, but nonetheless, Kathy insists that is “on Teresa” and Kathy must be true to Kathy.

There’s a bunch of kibitzing and tasting going on and Teresa shows up with her skanklette friend Linda, who is already stirring the shit pot.  She goads Teresa “are you going to say anything to her about stealing your recipes?”  But oh no, Teresa won’t do to Kathy what she has done to her…never.  Jacs explains that Linda is another one of Teresa’s soldiers.  Teresa quickly identifies all the ways in which Kathy has copied her right down to the names of the desserts and the signs that Joseph and Victoria made and of course takes a pot shot “my kids make signs like that for their lemonade stand”.  Burn Kathy, burn!

Giacamo from Bindi Desserts is present to meet Kathy and try the products.  They walk over to the side, in front of a cemetery, to talk about marketing her products.  Kathy gets inspired by the cemetery, “my desserts are to die for”, and she and Giacamo will hook up when she returns from Napa.  If she makes it back in one piece after RVing with Teresa, the mental threshing machine.

Teresa and Jacs finally come face to face and have an awkward exchange.  Caroline throws stank-eye from across the room, worried for Jacs.  I would like to see Jacs hold her own, but once again she tells us she is holding out hope for her and Teresa.

The next evening, Joe and Richie arrive at Chris L to the Aurita’s to have the pre-Napa meeting of the man mind.  Chris tells Joe that he will be RV-ing with Teresa and Juicy.  Joe gets a derpy look and thinks it super sucks.  He comments that we may see a meatball bouncing down the road out the back of the RV.  Whatever you gotta do, Joe.  Sometimes unfortunate accidents happen.

Juicy Joe is dropped off by his driver, Eugene.  Ever since he lost his license and then got busted for trying to obtain a fake ID, he has to be schlepped around like the Mucinex slug that he is.  He has an armful of his homemade wine, which I am sure he intends to suck down like a drunken hobo.  It must not be Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday.

While the men are caved, Teresa and Jacs are doing laundry in their respective homes.  Sidebar:  Jacs has a fabulicious laundry room, way better than Teresa’s.  In a funny scene, an “ironical” moment as Teresa might call it, little Audriana finds a single dollar bill in the laundry.  I could go so many directions with this.  Teresa tells her to put her money in her “bubbies”.  The Goo-Duh-Chi girls will not grow up to be strippers, said no one ever.

While Joe and Richie wait for Juicy to come down to the man cave, Joe acknowledges that Teresa only wants to be close to him because of the fight with Jacs.  Richie labels Jacs as the “sacrificial lamb”, which really hits the nail on the head, with a hammer.  (Tool-reference foreshadowing here).  Chris makes his plea to keep the trip peaceful and Juicy starts in immediately.  He attacks Jacs and essentially calls her stupid because she believes what she reads in magazines.  But isn’t this really the whole crux of what Jacs is pissed off about?  She wants the truth and for Teresa to confide in her about it rather than having to read all of this ass-f*ckery in the tabloids.  Chris maintains his composure and boils it down, they are all going to defend their own wives, but the men need to keep it together.  He tells the camera that he knows Juicy is a meathead and hasn’t heard a word that was said.  Chris is trying to explain to Juicy that he needs to get his head out of his home-made wine bottle and behave because he will be tooling around the windy roads of Napa in an RV with Joe and Melissa.  Juicy is too busy texting his “wallet friend” to even pay attention.  But wait, there’s another fly in the ointment, Juicy won’t be able to assist with the driving unless he can drive on “a Mickey Mouse license”, or only if it’s Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday.  Joe and Juicy start getting into it and it turns out their seed of discontent is equivalent to sprinkle cookies baked in a re-done home.  Allegedly, Juicy loaned Joe some tools and he never returned them.  Juicy feels the need to hammer home this point:  When he borrows something, he returns it.  Really Juice man, I think your creditors may beg to differ.  Juicy says “listen jerk off…” and then it quickly devolves into a pissing contest involving all the men.  Juicy tries to insult Richie by saying when they met he was “pumping gas” and Richie fires back “yea when you first met me, but you were flipping pizzas six months ago!”  Chris is holding his face in his hands, he is ultimately disappointed in Teresa and Juicy, but I don’t know what he expected.  Joe gets the line of the night when he says this to the Juice man…“you’re such a dick, whadda you want, a trowel?”  Lesson learned, never borrow a tool from a tool.

Ring My LaBelle

We’re back at Fred Astaire Studios where Melissa is rehearsing her choreography “ah five, six, seven, eight” calls out choreographer Cris Judd.  Melissa is standing still, while her dancers do their steps.  We know Cris told you there is power in the stillness, sweetie, but you are going to have to at least move with your dancers.  Melissa has a light bulb moment “That’s why it isn’t working, I wasn’t walking, and I wondered why I was having such a hard time getting up there!”  Cris tries not to throttle her in the throat with an open fist and reminds her that this is the last day of rehearsal.

Cut to G to the ia at her rehearsal studio. The girl clearly has a better grip on her dance moves, she garners a round of applause, and the instructor asks where she got her talent.  G to the ia says “my Aunt.”  Teresa’s head spins around three times, pops off, and rolls across the studio floor.

Kathy and Richie are on their way to meet Sal, an owner of a gelato shop in Jersey and the same place where Rosie had her first job.  Kathy wants him to see that she is more than “just a girl baking cookies” and possibly sell her desserts in his shop.  Richie gives her some annoying coaching during the car ride and tells her she needs to be like a tiger.  Kathy is already over Richie and she wants him to back the eff off.  They meet with Sal, and Richie starts in right away, speaking for her and not letting her do her thing.  She shoots him the side eye and he realizes his faux pas as he turns around and asks if anyone has a tampon because his wife cut his balls off.  We’ve got a bleeder.  Sal is wild about her desserts and Richie is excited too, as long as she doesn’t follow the Juicy Joe model of business.

The Boyz II Manzos are prepping for a fancy food show in Washington D.C.  Larger Chris Laurita has invested about $20,000 into a big fancy BLK water trade show booth for the big fancy food show.  Albie worries that they won’t have the fanciest booth, after all the year before there was a cave made out of cheese.  Caroline’s eyes light up immediately, she hopes the cheese cave will be there.  Albert is premiering the Brownstone Sauce, which appears to be their restaurant’s marinara in a jar.  Caroline is flummoxed, will she be at the BLK booth, the Brownstone Sauce booth, or the cheese cave….mmmm…it’s a no brainer, cheese cave hands down!  Albert’s booth looks like it was prepared at the local Office Max and it pales in comparison to the Boyz II Manzos BLK juggernaut.  Albert plans to spice it up by taking Caroline’s photo with a jar of the sauce.  He says Caroline represents the sauce like “old mother approved”.  Carolyn gives him the bull dog face and a photographer starts snapping unflattering photos.  Carolyn’s mug is a wee bit haggard to be on a pasta sauce jar, but hey…what do I know?

The Gorga’s are relaxing and enjoying their swimming pool and Melissa comes out in a red swimsuit.  Of course Joe starts up about Tarzan.  She is tired of hearing about his junk, but it is the secret to their successful marriage.  Joe is having a moment and he can’t move because he doesn’t want the kids to see how excited he and Tarzan are and we are then treated to a gratuitous crotch shot of Joe.  I.  Think.  I.  Just.  Threw.  Up.  In.  My.  Mouth.

Boyz II Manzos and Papa Laurita are in a giant van headed to their BLK event.  The boyz are in the back dicking around like 12-year olds, farting on one another.  Larger Chris is manning the van and is on a business call, he is also clearly annoyed.  He tells us that he took a hit on his apparel business and he is all in on the BLK water deal, failure is not an option.  Whew…it’s a good thing he hitched his wagon to the Boyz II Manzo’s star.  Sassy Greg decides they should play “Shag, Marry, Kill” and Christopher throws out Kim D., Kim G., or Kesha.  Albie answers “I would kill me!”  Haha, well played Albie, well played.  Chris introduces us to his tagalongs, his childhood friend, Gianluca and oy…another cousin named Joe.  Albie tells us that they have all put in money from their savings in order to get BLK water off the ground and so far they haven’t made a dime.  I would be lying if I said that this thing sounded promising, I personally would never drink black water, or anything black for that matter, it’s psychological.

The boys stop at a little pub to have lunch where they encounter the “Shame Burger Challenge”.  The Shame Burger consists of two double burgers, two fried eggs, two pieces of scrapple, two buns, and two pounds of fries.  Thank God our boy Gianluca asks the waitress to define scrapple.  Well my good man it’s not a board game where you make words with little lettered tiles, it’s pork parts, feet, balls and all, mixed with cornmeal.  Throwing up in my mouth is going to be a trend this episode.  Albie describes the scrapple is a mixture of all things horrible, but Christopher is excited for the challenge.  They have 45 minutes to eat the Shame Burger and the waitress reveals that there have only been ten people to successfully complete the challenge.  Chris and Sassy Greg are about five bites in and they both look like they’re going to blow chow.  The waitress rings the bell, and wouldn’t you know it…epic FAIL.  They barely ate half of the food.  Papa Laurita gives another lecture, they still have 2 ½ hours on the road and there will be no puking in the party van.  I can’t even imagine the residue puking scrapple and that fucking black water would leave.

Back at the Gorga’s, Joe is still trying to get a little quality time with Melissa on the night before her performance at Beatstock.  He climbs on her like a little howler monkey when all of the sudden cock blocker Antonia comes in and says she is scared.  That makes two of us!  Joe shows his disappointment and plays it off as if mommy and daddy were wrestling.  Poor Antonia, she will show up in Dr. Sweeney’s office in about 20 years.

Boyz II Manzos arrive in D.C. and they decide it would be a perfect idea to go to the Russia House and do 87 shots of vodka, EACH.  They start talking about Albie’s new girlfriend, Lindsey, and Albie confides to the camera that he doesn’t have time to be in a relationship right now, however he knows that if he passes her up, he will never find another like her.  That is what is known as bad timing, Albie.  He waxes on about how he will always do what is best for his family, so I guess if hawking dirty water is what is best, then damnit, that is what Albie will do.  Geez, the kid acts like he is faced with these insurmountable challenges like walking and chewing gum at the same time.

The waitress keeps bringing them buckets and buckets of vodka, and the boys are doing shot after shot after shot.  Christopher finally has a sort of puke-epiphany, where he realizes very calmly that he must go chunder up pure vodka.  Papa Laurita is a little frustrated because the boys are getting a little out of hand, yet he doesn’t appear to be doing anything to get them the hell out of the bar and it’s likely that he is footing the bill for this outing.

Meanwhile at Casa Bankruptcy, the Giudice girls are preparing to go to Beatstock and we learn that Teresa and Juicy actually have separate bedrooms.  Interesting…  Milania is being her usual terrorizing self and says she really doesn’t give an eff about G to the ia’s performance.  While Teresa gets her hair built into the shape of a rocket ship, the other girls are milling around and appear to be eating right out of a huge bowl of Italian ice.  I reckon that’s what happens when you leave your girls unattended  Teresa’s make-up artist tells them that Melissa is going to be performing as well and G to the ia takes the opportunity to give a slam by saying that Melissa is probably going to lip-sync and of course Teresa jumps all over it like flies on Juicy Joe’s ass crack.

Melissa and Joe have checked into the Fairfield Inn Marriott and Melissa and her entourage will be preparing for toe suck Beatstock by lotioning up her limbs.  Bravo has spared no expense for Lady Gorga, the Fairfield is high class, all the way.  It doesn’t matter, it’s Melissa and Joe’s seven year anniversary and he plans to get busy sucking on Melissa’s feet.  Eww…and…eww.  Melissa is too busy for the alone time that Tarzan craves, she must read the influx of text messages and well wishes, and damn it, she’s got to be lotioned up by others.

Back in D.C. the incredibly hung over Boyz II Manzo’s arrive at the “Fancy Food Show.”  They manage to drag in the cases of water and set up the display.  Papa Laurita whips out another lecture, they have got to be serious, no room for any bitchassiness of any kind.

The Giudices are in a limo they cannot afford on their way to Beatstock and G to the ia does a Melissa impression and wines “on display, on display, on display.”  Milania shouts “Melissa stinks” and Juicy Joe gives a hearty belly laugh.  They are well on their way to mending that relationship!

The Boyz II Manzo’s are handing out BLK water and a man tells them that he’s afraid of it and it looks looks like muddy water.  Boo, ouch!  Papa L to the aurita doesn’t understand, “people drink black things all the time, like coffee, coffee is black, and coffee is black water, right?”  Yea Papa Laurita, keep telling yourself that.  Sassy Greg comes running over to the booth with a look of anticipation, he tells Albie to grab water and come with him.  He has found his godmother, Patty Labelle.  Albie admits that he has no idea who Patty Labelle is, for shame you twit!  Greg is in awe and he admires her Louis Vuitton scarf.  He approaches slowly and introduces himself to Miss Patty.  She knows exactly who he is, “Greg from Jersey”, she exclaims.  It’s effing Patty LaBelle, pushing hot sauce.  Wait, that’s depressing.  Patty shows Sassy Greg her Louboutin’s and flashes her red bottoms, proving she doesn’t need to be pushing no stinking hot sauce.  Sassy Greg gives her the BLK water and Lady Marmalade pretends to enjoy the murky libation.  They are speaking each other’s language.  I feel like the honey badger should be narrating the scene.

The gang arrives at Beatstock and the Wakile’s show up to offer their support and so Richie has another reason to pop his collar.  Since Milania has been perfecting her stink eye since she was born, she has no trouble looking completely disinterested.  She is totally over her sister upstaging her, she gives the camera an eye roll and a yawn.  G to the ia does her hip hop number and she is actually pretty good.  She will be on the pole in no time.

Juicy Joe actually tears up, which is just bizarre because he never seems to give a flying rat’s ass about the girls.  But hey, this tub o’ shit is full of surprises, I never thought I would see him do the splits either.

Melissa does her Hail Mary’s and takes the stage.  She pulls it off and Teresa actually admits to the camera that Melissa did a good job and that she supports her.  Hmmmm, wonder when Teresa will go all Heckyl and Jyde on her ass.  Melissa is jabbing after the show with Cris Judd and she remarks that her and the dancers really did a great job and all their formations were perfect.  Richie and Kathy do the side step and let Melissa have her moment.  Teresa offers her congrats and then they start talking about the Napa trip.  Melissa seems to think that maybe the trip will bring Teresa and Jacs back together, but Teresa isn’t having any part of that.  In fact, in a rare moment of self-awareness, she realizes that it is going to be awkward going on vacation with someone who doesn’t want to be her friend anymore.  All Teresa knows is that she heard the “roads are windy!”  Yay, Teresa has moved on from basic shapes and colors.

On the other side of Joy-zey, Chris L to the aurita has decided to call a Real Househusbands summit of sorts.  He’s going to round up all the men prior to the road trip so that they can have a meeting of the mind (yes, I said mind), about keeping the women in check so the trip doesn’t turn into a total shit storm.  Haha!  Good luck wit dat!  $100 bucks says this meeting of the mind turns into a drunken, nut-grabbing, hot ass mess.

Papa Albert Manzo declares, “I’m not going!  It’s too much!”  He then asks, “what good would it be to engage Joe Giudice in a conversation about any topic?  That just makes me stupid.”  Yes, yes it would…you would be in a whirlwind of stupid just as your wife was last year.  Albert is smart, and he’s got the sauce to prove it.

Dance Dance Revolution

The Gorga’s are putting on an over the top 6th birthday party for Antonia.  All the preparations are in full swing, the bounce house is being inflated, the rusty hot dog cart is being rolled out, the cotton candy machine is being fired up, and Melissa is in hair and makeup.  Joe chuckles at Melissa’s description of the party as “nothing crazy” and notes that she is “high maintenance and too expensive”.  She scoffs, but seriously, hair and makeup for a kids birthday party?

The Giudice girls prepare to go to the party and they are making a card for Antonia in the kitchen.  Juicy has rolled out of bed long enough to grace the family with his Mucinex slug presence, shirtless.  He grumbles that he will not be going with them and Milania calls him mean and says “he never wants to see his kids”.  Wow.  Just.  Wow.  Teresa actually looks a bit stunned, but the Juice man cares naught.  There isn’t an air compressor strong enough to blow the shit out from between Juicy’s ears.

G to the ia tries to put Milania in check, but not before Milania calls him a “big poop” and cracks herself up.  She has a bit of an “ol’ troll” look in this scene, but nevertheless she steals it.

Lauren and Caroline are looking at a retail space since Lauren’s adventures at Chateau didn’t pan out.  All Caroline sees is dollar signs dancing out the window and Lauren thinks Caroline is all “bulldog”.  Lauren is also not happy with the name for the store, “Cafface”.  It makes her grunt.  Lauren ANGRY.  I don’t think it’s too great either, a café for your face?  It reminds me of that cracked out nut job down in Florida who ate the face.  Blech…I digress.  Caroline reiterates her vision, the makeup services will be listed on a menu, appetizers, main courses, desserts.  There will be couches, chairs, cookies, cakes, ice teas, sodas, etc.  Lauren still doesn’t like the vision, but she is too grumpy to fight it and the thought of cookies being available soothes her.  Besides, Caroline owns 100% 51% of the business and intends to crush every one of Lauren’s ideas with it.

Three hours later, the Gorgas are still prepping for the party and Melissa is still in hair and makeup.  Melissa’s mother and two aunts arrive, Joe says they look like twins, and they correct him, “uhh…that would be triplets”.  Awww, Joey can’t count.  However, he sure can re-count his “horrible experience” with therapy.  He doesn’t like the fact that he has to think about how he is going to behave before he sees Teresa.  He is still stuck on the idea that it should just work.  Melissa’s mother pulls a Dr. Phil on him and says “how’s that workin’ for ya’?”  Well played mother in law…well played.

The birthday party has started and Melissa is desperately searching for Antonia to come out of the bouncy caterpillar thingy and greet her guests.  Antonia pokes her curly haired head out of the crack of the caterpillar thingy and well, let’s put it this way, it looked like Antonia was not turning 6, but just being born out of a blue vagina.

Teresa and the girls arrive bearing loads of presents.  Teresa admires the cake and rehashes the therapy experience with Melissa, which Teresa calls a “waste of time”.  They touch on the Sunday dinner idea, and Melissa throws out the invite, even though she still thinks Teresa is full of shit.  Teresa says she will bring dessert and asks what Melissa likes, we see this coming a mile away, “I like sprinkle cookies”.  She doesn’t say it in a mean way, just joking, but something tells me this will go in the Teresa Smithsonian Vault of Table Flipping Insults.

The Wakile’s arrive and Richie wastes no time.  He is hon-gray and wants to know where the damn BBQ is.  Joe gets a temporary tattoo and Teresa goes into the caterpillar thing with her girls.  Rosie and Kathy chat about their girls night out with Melissa and she is bummed she didn’t get an invite.  Rosie talks about how cranked up they were, but she met a nice girl, who she still cannot remember the name of.

Teresa and Joe are discussing the Napa trip and Joe asks what’s going on with Jacs.  Teresa gives the ol’ eye roll and tries to explain to him, but can’t get to the point.  Because she has no point.  Meanwhile, Jacs is approaching right behind them.  They exchange a half-assed hello and Melissa whisks her away to get a drink.

G to the ia is giving Jacs a hug and Jacs notes how she is “growing”.  Uggh, now we are back to the bra talk.  Teresa announces that G to the ia has been saying “her left one really hurts”.  Jacs is like “oh yah” and Teresa walks away.  It’s not just awkward because these two are on the outs, but does everyone in America need to know that G to the ia’s left boob is a-bloomin’?

Jacs is still longing for the old Teresa.  Give it up Jacs, move on with your life.  She needs Juicy Joe’s Joy Behar advice “so what, who cares.”  Jacs tells Kathy her struggles and don’t Kathy know…she’s been there.  Kathy compares her relationship with Teresa to walking through a minefield… “You don’t know where the hidden words are, then boom…you’re done”.  Kathy is optimistic that the RV trip will give them opportunity to work it out.  Now that’s just cockeyed optimism.  I hope they don’t get a re-done RV, I hope Teresa doesn’t detach from the group, I hope nobody leaves the RV unattended!

The party has ended, and the next day one of the Soul Diggaz arrives at Melissa’s to discuss doing a performance at Beat Stock.  Melissa is worried about getting booed of the stage, but no worries, Soul Diggaz has people that will help her pull it off.  Meaning he can stock the audience with enough people he knows to cheer for her.

Over in Hoboken, Albie and Chris’ sassy roommate Greg is preparing some breakfast.  Chris demands he make tater tots, but Greg is more interested in finding out who the girl visiting “Prince Albert” was.  We see said girl, “Lindsey”, sneak out the front door with a white garbage bag.  Albie explains that Linsey was sick and needed a place to sleep for awhile.  Greg calls him Clara Barton out on the battlefield, rescuing sick women.  Albie is planning to introduce Lindsey to the Manzo women later that evening and he is nervous enough without Greg’s stupid jokes that he doesn’t get.  What I want to know is what Lindsey had in that garbage bag.  I can only conclude that a) she really was sick and was throwing up in the bag, b) that is her overnight bag because she can’t afford a Louis Vuitton rollie yet, or c) Albie asked her to take out the garbage on her way out.

Meanwhile, G to the ia is auditioning for an episode of “Dance Moms”.  Oh wait, no she is auditioning for the same show as Melissa, Beat Stock.  So now this can turn into another one of those nasty competitions between Teresa and Melissa and copycat-gate can rear it’s ugly head, again.  G to the ia is dressed in an outfit from Baby prostitute gap and Teresa cheers her on from the sidelines “I love your booty!”  G to the ia will not grow up to be a little hussy.  Said no one ever… G to the ia bungles up a lift by freaking out and screaming.  She finally nails it and makes the cut.  Teresa picks her up to hug her and G to the ia is so embarrassed, she shoves Teresa out of the screen shot.

Melissa is meeting with JHO’s ex, Cris Judd to perfect her choreography so she doesn’t put on a shitshow and get booed off the stage.  He asks Melissa to move naturally and he can immediately tell that she is not confident.  He tries to teach her to move like Michael Jackson, really?  Really?  We watch scenes cut between G to the ia and Melissa rehearsing.  Clearly Melissa has a long way to go.  She really cannot dance at all.  Or sing for that matter…

Kathy is preparing dinner for her family and Rosie is on her way over with the new lady-friend, Brianne.  Richie asks what her name is…“Bree-Ann”, he says.  That’s it Richie, sound it out.  He gushes over Brianne and how hot she is.  Brianne impresses everyone.  She wanted to do pediatric cardiac surgery, but she is too emotional, so she decided to run a restaurant.  Richie says they all want Rosie to be happy, “weather it’s a friend, emotional, or just some muff divin’.”  He wishes them “buona fortuna” and they cheer to friends and family.

Lauren and Jacs are taking Greg out for his birthday, but they have a bit of a surprise for him.  Lauren is also anxious to meet Lindsey, but she has her whore-dar up and ready.  Chris and Albie are at “Boxers”, which is a gay bar.  Caroline arrives as Chris gives Lindsey some bad advice, “don’t look her in the eye, and call her mom”.

Melissa and Joe’s alter ego, Joeboken, arrive at the gay bar.  Joe starts acting crazy, caressing Chris Laurita’s leg and grabbing his nuts.  Greg arrives and is truly surprised to see the whole gang.  Lauren, Chris, and sassy Greg get a drink and discuss Lauren’s business venture.  Chris gives her some advice and how to deal with Caroline, similar to the way they work with Chris Laurita.  Back in the mosh pit, Melissa gives Lindsey some tips on a successful marriage while Albie yaks it up with Joeboken.  Caroline is concerned that Albie’s priorities are out of whack and he needs to be focusing on his career and making money by selling that disgusting, overpriced black water of his.

The gang gets sassy Greg to do a body shot off of Joeboken while some other gal at the party tells Lindsey she can’t picture her having any rhythm.  What an odd thing to say.  Lauren wants to see Lindsey dance since she is a professional cheerleader.  Melissa has the DJ play the remix of “On Display”, and the gang dubs this as her “Gaybut”.  I cannot help but wonder why nobody has told Melissa that she has toilet paper stuck to her stripper shoes.  Melissa pulls Lindsey up on the stage, but leave it to Joeboken to steal the show.  He jumps up and rips his shirt open and we hear Melissa in voice-over “there’s no chance that Joe is gay, I know he’s not gay, I mean, right?”  It’s obviously sound bites of her talking about something else entirely clipped together to make it sound like she would question Joe’s sexual preference.  We all know he is on the down low.

Our resident Bulldog Caroline doesn’t have high hopes for Lindsey.  She thinks Albie will not make her a priority and she says he is “not capable of having a career and a relationship”.  Wow, Caroline is so confident in her children.  Sassy Greg blows out his candles and then Lauren decides since she can’t eat the cake, she will throw it in her brother Chris’ face.

Analyze This

We return to Jersey where Juicy is teaching his three young daughters how to apply stucco.  Teresa is thrilled, “why spend the money when we can stucco it!”  That’s right, put those little hands and fingers to work.  Child labor is, after all, why you had so many children.  G to the ia criticizes Milania’s stucco skills right away and Milania chucks some stucco at her, and Juicy fires Milania off the job.  She goes stomping off, hoping to get paid for the day so she can pick up some beer, cigs, and enough possum jerky to get her through the night.  Teresa starts yammering about the construction project and she has no idea where Jacs got the idea there would be an apartment above the new garage.  Teresa doesn’t get why Jacs wants to know her bidness and Teresa would never pry into Jacs’ bidness, even when Jacs told her that one of Chris’ businesses was going through bankruptcy.  She’s such a good friend that way.  Instead, she will tell all of you on camera, America.  Juicy keeps giving his best Joy Behar impression…“move on, who cares”, but it still haunts Teresa.  However, she must shake it off and prepare for her impending therapy sesh with Joe, she tells us if therapy doesn’t work she “wants a refund”.

Juicy is drawing vajayjays in the wet stucco and chuckling like an 8 year old.  Rosie rolls up to lay down some stucco of her own.  Rosie is hungover, and goddamnit, she is pissed.  She is sick of hearing all this shit in the tabloids and wants Teresa to come out with some retraction to clear Kathy’s name.  Teresa tells her “I don’t have a computer in my head, I don’t store things in my brain”, well 1)  your brain is a computer, but apparently Teresa’s motherboard is fried, and 2)  this is your best line of defense?  Rosie hangs on her every word because she is a good listener and then in classic Teresa form, she flips da’ script and searches back in her computer brain and finds some microfiche that proves Kathy has done some tabloid bashing of her own.  Then they take a trip down memory lane and talk about old times.  Rosie felt that she didn’t fit in growing up and Teresa tells the camera that Kathy hated the fact that Rosie was gay and purposely left her out of things.  It makes Teresa sick to her stomach.  Bitch please!   Teresa reels her in to her “woe is me” story surrounding the feud with Jacs and Caroline.  She cried for two days, betrayed, friends come and go, family is most important thing…Rosie is too tired to fight, she just wants it to stop on all sides.

At the Wakiles, they laugh with Joe and Melissa about the events from the “On Display” Gorga/Giudice love-fest.  Joe informs them that he and Teresa will be going to thereapy however he is “an angel from God” and doesn’t need therapy.  Rosie returns from her adventures at the pond with no Koi and suspects that Teresa is only finding her way back to the family now that her old family, Jacs and Caroline have ostracized her.  Ding ding ding…we have a winner, tell her what she’s won.  Joe feels that Teresa doesn’t understand loyalty and he hopes that the therapy will show her the way.

Back at the Laurita’s, they are preparing for dinner with the Manzo clan.  Chris brings up the road trip to Napa and Jacs is inquiring how this is all going to shake down now that Teresa is on the outs.  The Manzo’s laugh at her and she realizes that the invitation is out there so they can’t take it back.  Christopher (of Boyz II Manzos) makes an interesting observation, “Teresa doesn’t even need to be here to f*ck my whole night up.”  Chris Laurita throws on his rose colored glasses, looks into his half-full wine glass, and he is optimistic that the trip to Napa will be a good time.

Kathy’s mother is preparing a traditional Sunday dinner.  They sit down to dig into dinner and Richie starts digging into Rosie’s love life.  Kathy expresses interest in going to a gay bar with Rosie, she has never been, but apparently Richie has and he said it “was the best music ever”.  Little Joseph lights up “It’s like a utopia!”  Joseph has all the makings of a “Bro Ho” in training.

At the Laurita’s, the talk turns to Albie’s new girlfriend, Lindsey, who we first saw a photo of on his iPhone wearing her Hooters uniform.  Lauren is a little weary because as soon as she gets to know her, Albie will be sick of her.  She is actually opposite of Teresa, she get’s very close to her brother’s girlfriends and becomes friends with them.  Then they break up and Lauren is crushed.  Aww…poor Lauren, she just can’t catch a break.  Chris asks Jacs how A$$lee is doing and Jacs tells her about a skull tattoo A$$ got on her hand to remind her of some bar?  Caroline thinks that A$$ is making all these cosmetic changes, the hair, the lip injections, etc., so that she will not look like Jacs.  Yes, better to look like you sewed your ass to your face.

Back at Mama Pierri’s, the gang starts talking about family fighting and Mama P. talks about how she really had no family to fight with.  She was shipped off to live with her aunt at a very young age and never really knew her parents or siblings.  She gets emotional telling the story because she would never give up any of her children, no matter what.  Rosie goes into the ugly cry and then they discuss holding grudges and how you have to let them go, because it only hurts you.  Thank you Mama P., not only for the visually appealing dinner you put on the table, but also for a hearty helping of perspective.

Teresa tells G to the ia and Milania that she is going to meet Joe for lunch.  Milania makes a “fresh” comment “who cares about Zio Joe?” and Teresa threatens punishment of sending her to her room for a whole hour.  But the ever savvy Milania plays her like a used fiddle and says “that means you hate me”, and immediately Teresa backs down.  Way to flip da’ script kid, where did you learn that?  Little Milania is a master manipulator in the making.  G to the ia looks doubtful and musters up a “no drama, ri’ight?”

Jacs and her father sit down to have a beer and discuss all a$$-f*ckery that is A$$lee.  Jacs compares her to Lindsey Lohan and he agrees that the whole thing is exhausting.  At least Lindsey Lohan has an income and a future in porn, which is sad and pathetic.  Jacs goes on to confide in him about the Teresa fallout and he asks her “why do you care?”  Which is the same question I have, he explains to her that not everybody is the same kind of friend that Jacs is.  It’s a one sided friendship and Jacs cares too much.  Jacs finally realizes that she and Teresa are broken up, she needs to stop calling and hanging up on her and driving by her house.

Joe runs up the stairs at West 70 Psychology to meet crazy pants for the therapy sesh.  In the waiting room, they have a very icky, soily conversation.

“Ohhh…You smell good…”

“You’re wearing red, that’s a sexy color.”

Eww.  Just.  Eww.

Michael Sweeney is the family therapist and he will have a convo with each of them alone and then the three will hash it out.  He starts with Teresa and she immediately notices the sound proof door and she is ready to blast Joe the “Angel from God” back to the heavens.  Teresa doesn’t think she has done any thing wrong, Joe can’t get past things, he never calls me anymore since he got married, Melissa the whoo-ahh, blah blah blah.  She tells Sweeney that she is not a grudge holder [insert needle being yanked off the record sound effect here].  Sweeney listens to her and gives half-nods and half-listening responses, but he kinda sums her up by saying she starts out with a chip on her shoulder.  She is fun when she is in a good mood, but when she’s mad, she’s a table flippin’, prostitution whoo-ahh nightmare.  He tells her to walk away in a pleasant “going to the ladies room” way and to “stop throwing water on the whole damn thing.”  That’s it Tre, the solution to all your problems, when a fight erupts, glide to the ladies room and apply lip gloss heavily.

Cut to Rosie, Kathy, and Heather getting their swerve on at the gay bar called the “Cubby Hole”.  They brought Heather along to get everyone’s attention and Heather is clearly more comfortable than Kathy.  Kathy thinks she is going to be Rosie’s wing woman, but as Rosie says “the pickins are slim”.  Rosie finds a nice blonde named Brianna, but they had way too many shots right out of the gate because Rosie can’t remember the girls name right after she said it.  Kathy is pretty loose and sloppy herself, but not too far gone to remember rule #1… “Remember the bitches name!”

Joe goes in for his one on one with Sweeney and Joe gets into the nitty gritty about how Teresa became competitive and has attacked Melissa.  How can this be, Joe has accepted the hillbilly butt nugget that his sister married, why can’t Tre accept Melissa?  Joe sincerely wants to know if he is wrong and wants to get things back to normal.  Sweeney brings Teresa back in and tells them they have both aired the same issues, but ultimately they want the same things and this should be an easy fix.  Yeah Sweeney, like shooting fish in a barrel of vodka.  He tells them that old grievances are getting them revved up and now is not the time.  Let go of sprinkle cookies, detached, re-done home the past.  They need an occasion for their families to bond and they should start up the Sunday dinners again, but not without some serious meditation beforehand.  They both must focus on what behaviors they will correct when seeing one another so that they don’t have a chip on their shoulder going in.  Joe thinks it sucks that it has to be so much work.  Teresa brings up the Napa trip and sharing an RV together, but Sweeney recommends that they do not share an RV.  Drinking all day + close quarters = recipe for disaster.  Teresa insists they do share an RV in order to prove Sweeney wrong.  Tre, I think this voids any therapy warranty you may have had.  Joe says he will tie her to the bumper if she acts up.  Sweeney pretends not to hear that, he will wait to see it on Nancy Grace.  He is done with the sesh and sends them on their way.  He gives me the impression that he would rather be sorting out family issues with the Joe Jackson clan than deal with these two buffoons!  He immediately whips out his cell phone, he must be dialing his agent to request he be removed from this gig…STAT.

Joe and Teresa chatter a bit in the lobby and Joe decides the best way to let go of the past is to start a new fight.  He asks her about a recent tabloid that stated that Joe sold their parents house out from under them and they are homeless.  Teresa claims possibly Jacs sold this story, and we cut to Teresa talking to the camera and Oh.  My.  God.  What.  The.  Crap.  There are no words other than Elvira and Johnny Weir had a crack baby:

Joe doesn’t want to talk about it anymore and they leave.  Two steps outside the door they start fighting again.  We see a shot of the outside of the building and just some dialogue between them, so we are not sure if this conversation really took place there or if Tre and Joe thought they were off camera, but forgot they were mic’ed.  At any rate, Joe yells at her “don’t lie now, you wanna move ‘em into that f*cking shack you built, he don’t wanna live there!”  Teresa responds by telling him to buy them a house because he is doing well and she can’t afford it.  Joe must have taken notes from Caroline, because he then attacks her about her expensive purse.  Looks like the therapy sesh was a wash, maybe Mom and Pops can live in Teresa’s purse.