Part one of the reunion was as tired as the Asian inspired set, comprised of old items scavenged from the P.F. Changs remodel at the Cumberland Mall.
Let’s break it down shall we…here are the top five moments:
- Montage of Hair
The Bravo intern assigned to housewives duty will have to work another summer without pay, Bravo has blown it’s budget on a satirical wig commercial. It’s mildly amusing, the best part is the voice over at the end, “Beware of hair burglars. Do not attempt to glue wigs to your forehead.” Wigs subject to being snatched.” Kenya admits to wearing a clip in piece to supplement her own 24” hair, and I am sure it’s quick release in the event someone gets dragged up in this bey-otch!
- Nene is now in the NFL…No Friends Left!
Kandi calls Nene out for her stank superiority complex and she makes a face like she just smelt Nene’s unwashed asshole. I think Kandi is a little stung over her recess buddy, Phaedra, bonding with Nene over the hell of a nasty divorce and Nene throws it in her face a bit saying “you wouldn’t understand”, but lest we forget that Kandi is your girl if your ex-fiancé dies.
Nene won’t shut up and they get into the “I SEE YOU…”, “WE SEE EACH OTHA…” pointing of the index finger adorned with a way too long acrylic nail.
- Let’s Get Physical
Phaedra chats about Apllo’s greed ultimately being his demise and we revisit his crazy rant with power tools and hinges that not even his pal, Bunn on a motorcycle, could contain. Understandably, Phaedra’s number one concern is her children and she admits that she hasn’t filed for divorce yet. Maybe there will be a reconciliation in season 110! OHAC asks Phaedra if Apollo has ever gotten physical with her and she refuses to answer…is this a case of “silence speaks volumes”? She still hasn’t taken the boys to visit their father because, like, well, Kentucky is far and icky. It might snow, her tazer might be confiscated, and hell let’s just crab boil it down…she just doesn’t want to.
- Rotten Peaches
Porsha gets a seat on the couch and talks in her usual tone…all kinds of crazy. She is dressed like she just emerged from a children’s movie about forest nymphs who wear shower curtains to protect them from flying scepters, whirling pocket books, and possessed rat-infested weave scraps.
Claw-dia puts Porsha on blast for dating a married man and notes that she is [ahem], “a journalist” and she used her best investigative reporting talents to get Porsha liquored on a few cocktails in the Philippines and singin’ like a canary. Great work Jordan, you’ll be collecting your Pulitzer during open mic night at Zanies in no time.
Porsha discusses her dating life and claims she was dating an athlete and then she said something about an Asian… I lost interest quickly, but did get a chuckle out of Phaedra doing the head swirl while saying “mmmm …get me some Chinese!” I don’t’ know if she’s hungry or horny.
- Kenya is the Best Whore EVA!
Probably the second best moment after the wig infomercial was the whore calling. Phaedra tells Kenya “the Bible has a lot of whores, you’re in good company.” Kenya fumes and comes back with, “If I was going to be a whore, I would be the best goddamn whore EVA!” Ain’t that the truth!