I think I’m Turning Japanese

Part one of the reunion was as tired as the Asian inspired set, comprised of old items scavenged from the P.F. Changs remodel at the Cumberland Mall.

Group Photo - Reunion 1

Let’s break it down shall we…here are the top five moments:

  1. Montage of Hair

The Bravo intern assigned to housewives duty will have to work another summer without pay, Bravo has blown it’s budget on a satirical wig commercial.  It’s mildly amusing, the best part is the voice over at the end, “Beware of hair burglars.  Do not attempt to glue wigs to your forehead.”  Wigs subject to being snatched.”  Kenya admits to wearing a clip in piece to supplement her own 24” hair, and I am sure it’s quick release in the event someone gets dragged up in this bey-otch!

  1. Nene is now in the NFL…No Friends Left!

Kandi calls Nene out for her stank superiority complex and she makes a face like she just smelt Nene’s unwashed asshole.  I think Kandi is a little stung over her recess buddy, Phaedra, bonding with Nene over the hell of a nasty divorce and Nene throws it in her face a bit saying “you wouldn’t understand”, but lest we forget that Kandi is your girl if your ex-fiancé dies.

Nene won’t shut up and they get into the “I SEE YOU…”, “WE SEE EACH OTHA…” pointing of the index finger adorned with a way too long acrylic nail.

Kandi-Attitude

  1. Let’s Get Physical

Phaedra chats about Apllo’s greed ultimately being his demise and we revisit his crazy rant with power tools and hinges that not even his pal, Bunn on a motorcycle, could contain.  Understandably, Phaedra’s number one concern is her children and she admits that she hasn’t filed for divorce yet.  Maybe there will be a reconciliation in season 110!  OHAC asks Phaedra if Apollo has ever gotten physical with her and she refuses to answer…is this a case of “silence speaks volumes”?  She still hasn’t taken the boys to visit their father because, like, well, Kentucky is far and icky.  It might snow, her tazer might be confiscated, and hell let’s just crab boil it down…she just doesn’t want to.

  1. Rotten Peaches

Porsha gets a seat on the couch and talks in her usual tone…all kinds of crazy.  She is dressed like she just emerged from a children’s movie about forest nymphs who wear shower curtains to protect them from flying scepters, whirling pocket books, and possessed rat-infested weave scraps.

Claw-dia puts Porsha on blast for dating a married man and notes that she is [ahem], “a journalist” and she used her best investigative reporting talents to get Porsha liquored on a few cocktails in the Philippines and singin’ like a canary.  Great work Jordan, you’ll be collecting your Pulitzer during open mic night at Zanies in no time.

Porsha discusses her dating life and claims she was dating an athlete and then she said something about an Asian… I lost interest quickly, but did get a chuckle out of Phaedra doing the head swirl while saying “mmmm …get me some Chinese!”  I don’t’ know if she’s hungry or horny.

  1. Kenya is the Best Whore EVA!

Probably the second best moment after the wig infomercial was the whore calling.  Phaedra tells Kenya “the Bible has a lot of whores, you’re in good company.”  Kenya fumes and comes back with, “If I was going to be a whore, I would be the best goddamn whore EVA!”  Ain’t that the truth!

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Oridnary Endings

Well this finale was about as exciting as a Jiffy Lube waiting room.  The ATL broads seemed to recede gently into the night this week… that is until the reunion where the misguided insults and weave scraps will be flying around faster than Apollo with a power tool.

Nene is in NYC prepping for her Broadway debut with yet another bad wig.  She takes Brentt and Gregg out on the actual stage where she will realize her dreams and Gregg is completely gob smacked.  Later, she meets with the director to go over a few final notes from her last rehearsal and her nerves are running amuck.  She notes that the only cast mate who contacted her was Phaedra via text.  Yeah, it’s lonely at the top…oh and when you act like a raging hemorrhoid, inflamed with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns.  Nevertheless, Nene receives a standing ovation and as she exits the stage door, she is hounded for autographs and photos by her fans.

Cynthia and Peter are packing up the old Bar None and Cynthia is excited to be Peter’s new partner at the new Bar None, despite the fact that it will burn up the last of her modelin’ money.  They reminisce about the mediocre times they had in the old bar and fold up Cynthia’s larger than life sized portrait…which Peter plans to hang up in his other new bidness venture that he neglected to tell his wife about, “Peter’s Brew!”  Peter shows her the space and mentions that it’s only $1,500 a month and it’s a goldmine!  As he is trying to convince her that the coffee shop will pay the bills while the new Bar One is still being scavenged for scrap metal, he is saved by the bell and receives a call from inmate, Apollo Nida.  Apollo grumbles about not being able to see his children, Phaedra the devil, blah blah blah.  Don’t you have some toilets to scrub, Nida?  Cynthia decides to stay out of the chocolate mess, but Peter has no qualms blurting out that Phaedra has filed for divorce annnnnd just in time, Apollo’s telephone time is shut down like a strip club serving rancid clams!

Meanwhile, across town, Phaedra is at home busily botching up snowman cookies with her sons.  Phaedra explains to us that the prison has specific rules for children and infants, and it’s in Kentucky so she can’t just hop on the back of Bun’s crotch rocket motorcycle and take a day trip.  Besides, this woman can barely make snowman cookies that don’t resemble a blob of baby puke.  But the ever-handy Ms. Parks whips out her round cookie cutter from the Martha Stewart collection to try to salvage the deformed snowmen.  Life twirls on…

Kandi and Todd are heading to see Mama Joyce for her housewarming party.  Todd is already having a cocktail in a red Solo cup to remove the razor sharp edge that goes along with visiting his mother in law from hell.  Todd asks Kandi if they need to take anything and Kandi laughs, (and gets line of the night), “uhhh…I took the house over there!”

When they arrive, Todd barrels up in his large pickup truck and destroys some grass and a Malibu light.  Riley adds to the tension, pointing out that Mama won’t be happy because she “already doesn’t like you”.  Yes, YOU Todd!  Mama Joyce is prancing around in her Joyce DeWitt wig from “the formative years collection”, and she takes credit for doing all the cooking, but her sassy sisters rat her out.  Kandi decides this is the time to announce that Todd’s job will be keeping him in L.A. and she will be moving there for a few months!  I sense that she has not mentioned this to Riley, who appears super pissed.  Riley plays the “what about school and my future” card, but to no avail.  Mama Joyce looks like she is about to spew venom into Todd’s eyes and wield her Wal-Mart Wedgie of Death, but instead she gives the patented “half-assed” apology that she learned from watching RHNJ.  She apologizes to Todd “if” she has said anything to offend him and for repeating what she heard on the street about his mother.  Kandi is thrilled about the non-apology, but Todd doesn’t think it’s genuine.

Mama-Joyce-Apology

In cray cray Kenya land, she has put together her pilot and is hosting a screening party for the ladies.  As the women arrive, they enter a staged wedding reception brimming with a cavalcade of crazy.  They have rice thrown in their faces, a harpist strummed while an opera singer sang “Life Twirls On….and on and on”, and let’s not forget the ribbon dancers!  The bartender has prepared specialty drinks for each housewife.  Claw-dia receives a drink aptly named “Hammer Time”, y’know because of her hammer toes and all.  Cynthia is “Rum on the Rocks”, Kandi is “Kandi Koated Drop”, Phaedra is “White Chocolate” “Southern Cocoa”, Porsha is “Flat Line”, and well Demetira…I think the Bravo intern is fetching you a bottle of Ice Mountain spring water.

Kenya comes out in a floor sample wedding dress she snagged at David’s Bridal for $49 and Phaedra notes that she loves a grand entrance, but one that makes sense.  Kenya leads them into a private screening room where they watch the pilot of “Life Twirls On’, which is mostly voice over by Kenya and Cynthia acting crazy bad.  Kenya actually threw in a commercial, starring herself.  Everyone pretends to like it and they have a good time without incident.

Kenya-Bride

They wrap up the party having fun with a photo booth and we receive the obligatory statuses as the credits roll:

  • Nene – she and Gregg bought a new home in the ATL and she is auditioning for several pilots, but “Life Twirls On” is not one of them.
  • Claw-dia – she is considering a tour of open mic nights to hone her comedy chops. No plans to have surgery on her hammer toes.
  • Cynthia – she and Peter are still working on renovating the new Bar One, but Peter’s Brew is boomin’ with all the latest tea.
  • Kandi – she just celebrated her one-year wedding anniversary and she and Todd are undergoing fertility treatments. Their plans to relocate to L.A. are on hold.
  • Kenya – she appeared on Millionaire Matchmaker where she found a new love who was contractually obligated to pretend he had a good time. Her pilot will air on You Tube.
  • Phaedra – she is bee boppin’ along being a single mom and she is keeping her divorce plans under wraps.

Next time, reunion part one, where all the serenity goes in the shitter and Dr. Jeff delves into Nene’s crippling issues with her mother!

Rallied Up

Noelle homecoming.  Cynthia freakin’.  Kenya offering tips.  Cynthia freakin’.  Noelle modeling.  Noelle twirling.  Noelle walking in high heels on wood floor!  Cynthia rehearsing.  Keyna shrieking.  Kenya attitude coaching.  Kenya teaching twirl.  Cynthia teaching how to walk.

Noelle

Later… Cynthia closet.  Summons Peter.  Peter notes her ass got bigger in Philippines.  Douche nozzle.  Help Cynthia with fake Jamaican accent for role in Kenya’s pilot.  BLAH.

Kenya shooting fake pilot.  Ordering Production Assistant around like a red headed stepchild.  Cynthia can’t act.

Cynthia Acting

Nene and Gregg are at Sardi’s in NYC, Gregg daydreams of Nene being on the wall someday, but she is already snapping her fingers at the manager asking him why her picture isn’t on the wall NOW!  Their son, Brentt, is with them in NYC and Gregg thinks he needs rules and supervision, but Nene is a bit offended.  Gregg promises to watch over Brentt and instead of a family pinky swear, they engage in a French fry huddle.

French Fry Huddle

Phaedra back at work fake lawyering away and she calls in her assistant to relive the glory of her caffeine enema.  Phaedra is now refreshed from her mind to her bottom and she is ready to spearhead a “men’s rally” to empower minorities and adolescent boys who are fatherless.  She recounts the story she heard from the guide on the Philippines tour and she is fully inspired now that she has joined the ranks of “single parent”.  Phaedra contacts David Johns, White House Czar, for assistance with her rally.  He is all in and Phaedra suggests they brainstorm, circle back around, hammer out some details, and then drop some more buzz words and catch phrases in effort to appear as if she is really working on this.

Kandi is prepping for a “date night” with Todd and she calls in a stylist who shows up with a selection of outfits from the Forever 21 Ho Stroll Collection.  Todd has been in L.A. working and Kandi thinks “distance makes the panties get hotter”, when in reality it is causing her remote control panties to short out, presenting a fire hazard.  Riley walks in on the fashion show and thinks her mom is showing too much cleavage.

Kandi Cleveage

Later at the dinner date, Todd presents Kandi with flowers and they are excited to see each other after two weeks apart.  They both order “the salmon”, translation = we’re gonna get freaky tonight so we don’t want to eat too much.  Of course Kandi’s ass is growling and she orders a side of mac-n-cheese.  Kandi discusses the Philippines trip, but she still needs to “relieve some tension”, to which Todd responds, “are you ovulating?”  And just when you thought their romance was dead!  The conversation to follow is just odd and sad… Kandi mentions that she didn’t think they would make it to their one year anniversary and Todd mentions that his show was greenlit for another season, which means more time in L.A. and away from Kandi.  But what about the baby?  Todd doesn’t have time, they already have a blended family, he’s building his empire, and he still has that pesky Mama Joyce shrapnel embedded in his spine.  Kandi thinks they need to see each other at least every two weeks and he suggests she trot her ass out to L.A. for a while, but Kandi doesn’t want to leave Riley, although Todd points out if there were a move role in L.A., Kandi would be out there faster than she puts the mac-n-cheese down her gullet.  Kandi reminds Todd, “don’t forget the appointment with the fertility doctor tomorrow!”  Good lookin’ out…

It’s the day of Phaedra’s S.O.S. (Save Our Sons) rally charity event extravaganza.  Phaedra Parks takes the stage, but not without some fanfare.  She walks in escorted by a drumline and says a few words before handing over the mic to Judge Mathis, who prepares to tell these kids how to stay out of negative environments (irony, anyone?).

Judge Mathis

Meanwhile back in the kitchen, Phaedra assembles the ladies to serve up the lunch plates, because what better place to have a cat fight than the lunch lady line.  The ladies take their places, Nene is assigned to rolls, Cynthia beans, and Porsha, appropriately, is on meat.

Phaedra starts serving the plates while the panel is speaking and Peter decides to take the microphone and interrupt the speaker by saying “not to take the mic and interrupt, but…” and he continues to imply that the boys in the room are unintelligent rubes.  What an ass of epic proportion.  Judge Mathis…Ass whoopin’ at table 12!

Peter Mic

The only person Claw-dia is interested in serving is Nene, with a full plate o’ ass on blast.  She confronts her about storming out of the Dr. Jeff therapy sesh and they get so loud that the people in the main event room can hear them.  Ladies, ladies…has no one ever taught you how to work a lunch assembly line?  The chitlins be gettin’ cold!

Kenya arrives late, just as Nene is storming out because she has had enough harassment and her wig glue is melting after standing over the hot Sterno cans.  Phaedra and Porsha trail after Nene as she tells them that she is in a “good place in her life” and she doesn’t need “all the negativity”.  Nene hops in her black Escalade and heads for the airport.

Claw-dia continues to berate Nene in the kitchen, calling her “new money”, meaning she doesn’t know how to handle her success.  Another volunteer comes back to the kitchen and tells Claw-dia to shut up and plate up.

Next week is the season finale before 83 part reunion, Nene takes the Broadway stage, Kandi heads to L.A., Apollo calls peter from prison, and Life continues to twirl on into crazy land.

Making Up is Whored to Do

The gang is heading for Manila, but Kenya won’t leave before a final swim in the pool to prove her hair is real and to flaunt her plumbers crack.  Her bikini bottoms are busting and cannot contain her stallion booty.  Kinda ironic since Kenya had an early appearance on the RHATL where she was ripping an aspiring model to shreds at the Bailey Agency for wayward models for showing too much “coochie crack”.  Anyhoo…in other news…Kandi’s choice of travel wear is questionable, a camouflage onesie that does anything but camouflage.  Porsha selects an electric blue and pink printed, flouncy dress, but her downfall is that she is suffering from a low flow shower head.

Arrive-Manila

Once in Manila, they are given the presidential suite, complete with a 24 hour butler named Dante.  They head out on a day trip to a volcano and they have a motherfuckin’ twerk off in the party bus between our two non-cast mates, Porsha and Demetria.  Porsha is wearing some short shorts that are so short that Kandi points out that Porsha’s bikini hair is hanging out (umm…EWW!)  Amidst all this good, clean fun, Phaedra busts out that she wants to “go to the little people Hobbit house, I’m so attracted to little people!”  Listening to Phaedra is a little like being lost in a corn maze.

Twerk-off

We will only mention Nene briefly here, she is in NYC at her costume fitting with Gregg on his leash, trailing behind her.  The costume designer sucks her in the first dress like stuffed sausage and he asks her to “twirl” and Nene takes offense to that word, she prefers spin.  I’m sure there are a few people on the Cinderella production team who would like to tell her to sit-n-spin.  Gregg is all atwitter over the larger than life bustle on the costume and he slides over and starts smackin’ dat’ ass, while the costume designer is aghast, clutching his neckerchief.  We are treated to a flashback of Nene stripping (umm…EWW) and her formative years on the RHATL, missing teeth teef and tragic weave.  She breaks down in some happy tears at how far she has come.

Nene-Costume

Back in the Philippines, the gang heads out on the donkey rides up the volcano mountain and they get caught in the rain.  Some natives pop out of the trees to sell them rain ponchos to protect their fragile weaves.  When they arrive at the top, they admire the view of the lake and Porsha poses for her “Princess of Thotland” photo, looking like a “Burning Man” themed glamour shot gone horribly awry.

Princess THOT

Ancient tradition states that if they all hit a golf ball into the lake, it will bring them good luck and correct their tragic fashion sense.  After they arrive safely back at the bottom of the mountain, Phaedra has learned that one of the tour guides has lost her husband and is struggling to support her five children.  Phaedra relates to this seeing as how her husband is in jail and she has to raise two boys while working five jobs.  Because that is soooo the same thing as death of a spouse.  She slips the woman a couple of sawbucks and asks the translator to tell her it’s a gift from her heart and to not be afraid to find an African Prince sugar daddy love again.

Later, the gals hit an open food market and decide to taste some Durian fruit.  When the fruit is cut open, Claw-dia notes it smells like ass and she spits it out.  Phaedra sums it up best, it smells like “old dirty drawers and old onions”.  Uggh…welcome to my hamper.  Porsha said something about putting fruit in the microwave and having a good night…I take that to mean she has taken the “American Pie” thing to the next level.  They check out some local fish and crabs, Kenya has a twirl-off with a local tranny, and Porsha is wandering around looking for Louis Vuitton.

Clawdia-Crab

Later at the hotel, Phaedra calls Apostle Thad for some advice prior to having her sit down with Kenya.  The rest of the gals decide to have a pajama party in the common area of the suite.  Cynthia shows up acting sick, but ever the consummate model, she is dressed in a maxi-dress and a fedora.  Porsha is dressed for a booty call and Claw-dia and Kandi look like they are going to fall asleep on a yoga mat somewhere.  Claw-dia summons Dante so they can order some room service and they request neck massages from him.  Claw-dia is a bit inappropriate with the young lad as he rubs her neck, “harder, deeper!”  Dante chuckles and clearly has not studied the sexual harassment poster in the break room.

PJ Party

Phaedra and Kenya sit down and Kenya states that she will let Phaedra have the floor and she will just listen.  Phaedra prefaces her comments by stating she is not feeling well, she is hot and tired, like the inner thighs of an overworked stripper.  Phaedra reflects back on the fact that they were once working on a friendship and Phaedra was hurt when all the “crazy stuff” started happening and she wants to… guess what… MOVE FORWARD!  We see a li’l medley of all the times Phaedra called Kenya a whore… “Moore whore”, “sneaky slut”, etc.  Phaedra wants to believe Kenya is telling the truth when she says nothing happened and Apollo lied his ass off, but “at the end of the day”, Phaedra had to roll with her husband for fear of flying hinges and being chased with a power drill.  Phaedra acknowledges that she can’t change the past, but gives Kenya a clean slate and promises to stay out of the rear view mirror.  Kenya wants to believe her, has heard it all before, and Phaedra continued to call her “every whore in the world”.  Phaedra says “I haven’t called you a whore this year, not even once.  I called you Satan, but I didn’t call you a whore.”  Fair enough…Phaedra invites Kenya to church on Sunday, but Kenya can’t go so they ask Jesus for an after-hours emergency call.  It’s all rainbows and panda bears now, but we all know this will last about as long as a box of white zinfandel in Kenya’s mini fridge.

Phaedra-Crying

Kenya and Phaedra join the PJ party and they ladies cheer over their peace treaty and ask for details, but Phaedra tells them it’s none of their bidness.  Until next episode when she will likely spill the twisted tea.

The next day, the ladies have a final hangover lunch before heading home and they reflect on the wonderful trip how everyone got along.  Claw-dia asks if anyone has spoken to Nene and Porsha admits that she has and thinks that Nene would have “fallen in line” and gotten along if she had been on the trip.  They all bust out laughing at that thought and end the episode with a group photo.

Group Photo

Next time, Kenya films her pilot and Kandi and Todd continue to skid down the rocks, likely in preparation for their spin off show.  Nene returns to the group for a charity event and gives everyone the cold shoulder tunic from the Nene Leakes Collection.