A Little South of Sanity

Sidebar:  If you happen to receive the BFOWN (Big Fat Oprah Winfrey Network – All Oprah…All the time!), check out the Master Class with Simon Cowell.  His story is rather interesting and it explains a lot about why he is the way he is.  His brutal honesty has been revolutionary and when you see where he came from and how he got where he is today, it will amaze you.  While we miss our main man Cowell, he knew when to get out while the gettin’ was good.

Sidebar 2:  We have to give a shout out to Chris Medina and his girlfriend.  The Chicago native that has restored our faith in humanity.  What a good guy.

Okay…on to the madness.

We were in Nashville the other night, which claims the most successful American Idol winner to date, Carrie Underwood.  Talk about big shoes to fill…Let’s begin.

Nuttin’ like a little delusion with your dental hygienist

Just listening to this chick’s speaking voice tells me this is a disaster of epic proportion waiting to happen.  She is making sound like a dolphin and then she breaks into this tone that only a dog can hear.  I shit you not…Bluto looked at the TV and cocked his head to the side as if to say “what in the fu*kery is this hot ass mess?”

Randy is massaging his head to see if he can wear away the nerves that allow him to hear.  This chick is seven kinds of crazy and she actually thinks that Steven gave her a “yes” when he clearly said “NO”.  OHRS (Our Host, Ryan Seabiscuit) questions her about the alleged “yes” and says “Hmm…I missed that scene.”  I think our dental hygienist has been hittin’ da’ gas a wee bit too hard.

The Duet

Okay, I cannot really tell if the guy is a “little person” or if he’s just vertically challenged, but he is so cute, I just wanna put him in my pocket.  They were a couple, broke up, still live together, dating other people, her boyfriend is waiting outside, blah blah blah…I thought Melrose Place went off the air years ago.  Anyway, they are both very good singers and sound good together.  Will be interesting to see how they fare in the competition.

The Biker with an unusually good natured personality

Allen “the Warrior” Lewis is a hard-core biker, tattoo laden, disaster…with such a good natured personality, “We’re all just who we are” he says…well Captain Obvious…go home and keep practicing, or don’t.

Miss Tennessee USA

Her name is Stormy…really…maybe she styled Donald Trump’s hair.  She is passable, but she will get swallowed up in the comp, fo sho.

Patrick Counts

He is so terrible and our Dawg asks “what kinda joke is this?”.  He leaves and starts sobbing on the shoulder of OHRS.  He is sobbing so hard I think he throws up a bit in his mouth…twice.  Poor OHRS…there just isn’t enough Lysol in the universe.

Jackie Wilson Said…

It would have been great if she broke out into that Van Morrison song, but she is very good, one to watch, but what’s up with the ol’ man boyfriend she has?  He looks like he could be her father.  Hey, I like me some silver fox, but that was just a bit odd.

Latoya

OMFG…she’s in a K-Mart formal dress and she brings one CD to “share” with the judges.  Hmm…she must have run out of Avery CD labels.  If you want to know what a hyena sounds like when it OD’s on lentils and farts into a fan…well that’s our girl Latoya.  Randy breaks into his own rendition of “Psycho” music and the cracky ho leaves, still singing!  Dawg says “still a NO.”

Deliverance Boy, Matt Dillard

All right…seriously…he has a nice story, but really who wears around a wife beater under overalls?  He looks like he has a hunch back, but that could be a mic pac.  I will be interested to see him get further in the comp just to see the makeover.  I bet dey can hoze him down an’ he’ll clean up reeeel nice.

Lauren Alaina

This girl blew it out da’ box.  Steven said “I think we found the one.”  Prediction, she wins the whole kit-n-kaboodle.

See ya’ next week at the Rodeo in Austin.

Hollywood…Hollywon’t

Hell fire, save matches, f*ck a duck, and see what hatches…tonight we are recapping the Milwaukee auditions where the mass crazies supplied us with plenty of entertainment.  Some of the lowlights…

We start with Our Host Ryan Seacrusty (OHRS) with budding radio personality dude who says “I’m gonna kick this thing straight to the moon”.  Well good luck with that Buzz Armstrong because I think you belong on planet “I’ve only got a face for radio”.  Your three-speed back shaver awaits you back home.

We have another idiot singing Lady Gaga “Bad Romance”, but this time with karate moves!  All he was missing was a rotting meat dress.  Lady Gaga must be sitting at home right now in her Alexander McQueen’s going “OMG, sweet fancy Moses, what have I done!”

Civil War Re-Enactment Guy

Apparently he thinks he is recreating the civil war for his audition as he comes in with full civil war garb.  Well it doesn’t take a Philadelphia lawyer to figure out that this guy is playin’ with Confederate money.  Based on his commentary, he better get back home, wouldn’t want to be late for his date with Pamela Handerson.

Tiwan from Chicago sings “Twistin’ the Night Away” and gets through.  Then one of his little relatives gets a Charlie horse from her glee over Taiwan and his Twistin’ and is practically falling into the strong, loving arms of OHRS.  Then OHRS is massaging her leg, looking for the way out.  Well guess what OHRS, there isn’t a panic button big enough to get you out of that hot mess!

Then we have the lovely Vernika.  She tries to sing “Lovin’ You”.  Something tells me I am about to hear something that I cannot un-hear.  She’s terrible, and guess what, she’s madder than a wet hen that she sucks.  She is so bad, she says “no” to herself.  There’s a bike outside, it’s a Huff and she’s going to leave in it.

Annoying Green Bay Packer Fan Girl (a.k.a. – self imposed opera of a Justin Bieber song)

Okay, I am by no means a football fan, but given the last game and long time rivalry, I am guessing most of us were thoroughly annoyed by the Packer girl.  Then when she opens her mouth to sing, she goes into this opera trance, kinda like when a baby is taking a dump in its diaper, she enters into a “brown study”.  Once my ears stopped bleeding, I hear her say that the Packers will be “super bowl winners” and the Dawg said “hmmm…don’t know about that.”  Haha…eat it opera Bieber girl.

Steven’s Superfan

She reminds me a bit of Amy Wineho, kinda dirty looking, with her brokedown weave, like she might have a case of the Mexican herpee.  She sings “Come Together” (which Aerosmith covered ‘back in da’ day’) and then they ask her to sing an Aerosmith song and she picks “Dream On”, but she can’t sing the end so Steven will finish it for her.  Well, can we say….awkward????  It was weird, made me feel kinda funny, like when I had to climb the rope in gym class.

Next stop, Nashville, Good lookin’ out!

Simon Who?

Well our new season of American Idol began last week and let me say that while I will miss Simon’s sharp, biting wit, there’s a whole new kinda crazy in town, none other than the Demon of Screamin’ himself…Mr. Steven Tyler.

For those of you who know me, Aerosmith is my favorite rock band and I have seen them in concert more times than Steven has fallen off the stage.  I’ve seen him in many interviews and he has always been funny, but thank God he finally stopped snorting Lunesta long enough to get this gig because his one-liners during this first week of auditions were on-point and priceless.

I normally don’t start re-capping until we have our contestants firmed up and we know them by name and can critique individual performances, but I thought I would touch on a few of the week one audition highlights.

Of course we start with the slo-mo, pro-mo in the beginning of the show, where they all walk together, in slow motion, hair blowing, (well except for Randy).  Yes, we know you are all cooler than shit and this American Idol machine has really taken off, we get it, let’s start the freak-show already.

There was a brief montage of the judges, talking, interacting, judging, etc. and apparently at one point Steven uttered to a contestant “Well hell fire, save matches, f*ck a duck and see what hatches.”  If this is any indication on what he will bring to this show, well I can sit still for that.

They start in New Jersey, where current offerings on reality television would have you believe that everyone in Jersey is crazier than a bag of bats.

There were a few very funny auditions worth mentioning:

1.  The guy who looks like he makes the keys at the hardware store

He sang “Proud Mary” and Steven says “Did you eat a lot of paint chips as a child?”  Okay, again busting out laughing.  Then the guy attempts another song at a “higher level” as American Idol requires and Steven’s response:  “What we have here is a failure to communicate.”  This guy is television gold.  The only thing that could have made it even more delicious is if he had whipped off his bi-focals as he said it.

2.  Yoji Pop

What in the hot holy hell is this kid?  He tells JHo that he’s been impersonating Michael Jackson since he was in the womb, but that he would rather do his version of “Party in the USA”.  Then looking like a deranged nail-tech from Vegas, he breaks into these dance moves that look like Japanese animation.  JHo is laughing so hard she starts bouncing in her chair like a little girl who just got her first Barbie for Christmas.

3.  The Mick Jagger look alike that insisted he looked more like Steven

This boy looked a lot like Mick, but insisted that he gets “mistaken” for Steven all the time and actually won a look alike contest.  Ok whatever…so what is he going to sing…hmmm….what would be a likely choice?  LADY GA GA “Bad Romance.”  It was like watching an animal being tortured.

JHo is too easy on the contestants because she can’t say “No” to crazy.  Randy “The Dawg” is just throwing his arms in the air yelling “What is this show?”  For Steven, the crazier they are, the better.  Overall, they have been letting too many undeserving contestants through.  It seems as if they cry or have a sob story they get the ticket.  They are going to need to toughen up and be more selective.

Clearly, Cowell the gatekeeper is gone.  He’s off somewhere else being snarky and picking out sweaters at the Baby Gap.

Oh, here go hell come!

Hello world!

Hello everyone, welcome to my attempt at a blog.  I am doing this mainly because my friends and family really liked my weekly American Idol recaps and because I like to comment about many of the hot delicious messes that grace our television sets weekly.  They said, “Lisa, you should start a blog!”  And blog I did, Enjoy!