Where’s the Beef?

The Bravo intern has finally churned out the lackluster taglines, here we go:

  • NeNe: “Ten years in the game, and I’m still the tastiest peach in Atlanta!”
  • Porsha: “Friends come and go, but family is forever.”
  • Cynthia: “Age is just a number, but these cheekbones are timeless!”
  • Kandi: Don’t mess with the boss, ‘cause you might get fired!”
  • Kenya: “While some were saying ‘I can’t,’ I was saying ‘I do!’ ”
  • Shereé: “Call me a bad server, because I always spill the tea!”

I think Kandi’s takes the golden peach of all that is juicy, no doubt that is a direct BURN headed straight for Phaedra Sparks Counselor Parks!  She messed with the bull last season and got the horns.  So let’s get to the meat of this shit sangwich, shall we?

Porsha is having her sister and niece move in to her McMans, apparently Lauren’s baby daddy has checked out, SHOCKING!  It’s time for the Bravo patented, “rehashin’ in da kitchen” scene, whereby Porsha fills in her family on her latest drama for paychex.  Porsha’s mother is barely listening, she is too busy trying to corner a tomato in her salad bowl.  Next time, slice the tomato in half so that slippery sucker won’t continue to elude you!  Later, Porsha decides she’s going vegan and she disposes of all meat in her house, and can we have a moment of silence for the BACONATOR!?!?  You know street urchin will garbage-pick that machine in an ATL minute!  Lauren recommends Porsha go vegan for at least six months and then freeze her eggs, right now her eggs are full of Hennessey and in the middle of a bar fight!

Porsha meat

Meanwhile, across town, Cynthia is meeting a man about a chicken… turns out it’s a date with Norbit!  Her date, Evan, is like 12 years old, but that doesn’t stop this cougar from getting her photo-shoot on and a free meal.  She and Evan engage in this corny photo shoot, all the sudden he leads her to another room for dinner and she has a completely different hairdo.  Someone fire the continuity editor, STAT!  We learn that Evan is only 29 and Cynthia asks if his father might be single and hot.

Norbit

SBS walks into an office building and, this next part completely made this 10 seasons of f*cked up insanity all worth it… I give you life coach, Jack Daniels.  Yea, let that sink into your psyche for a moment.  Rest assured my dear reader, he has no connection to the libation of destruction and mayhem.  SBS is meeting with Jack Daniels to discuss her deep-rooted issues regarding Bob, the abusive years.  She’s still very emotional over it and wants to get to the point where she won’t cry when she thinks about it.  Sidebar:  There’s a wedding photo on Jack Daniels’ credenza and it looks like Kenya!  Jack gives SBS a homework assignment to rehearse how she wants to have this conversation with her kids and to burn that fried, dyed, on the side, atomic blonde wiglette.  Clearly that wiglette is from the Wigs-n-Cigs season one collection.

rhoa-sheree-wig-min

Kandi offers her guest house as a neutral rehearsal venue – SBS and friends sit down to have the tough conversation and the scenes are edited to give the appearance that this is taking about 10 hours.

Kenya and Cynthia go for a walk, Cynthia is bummed that Kenya went off and got married.  She thought the two of them would both be single, trollin’ for eligible, sexual chocolate, and rippin’ it up together.  Now all Cynthia has is her damn lake.  We learn that Chef Roble introduced Kenya to her hubby in Brooklyn NY.  Baby is a very private person and he’s struggling with being married to a reality starlette.  Later, Kenya is playing dress up in her closet, re-living her wedding.  Kenya gets Brandon on the horn and complains about the public fodder via the online trolls.  Sidebar:  Eye spy with my little eye, a “Moore Manor” pillow!  Brandon dispenses some of his sage advice, “they can go kick rocks, suck a f*ckin’ egg-roll, cut out the noise.”  Everything he just said, I want to get tattooed on my body.  Kenya starts crying off-camera to her producer/handler, I give this marriage six months before it free-falls into a fiery abyss.  FIST BUMP!

Kenya vail

Kandi and Shamea are shopping for some African wedding wear because she is getting married in Kenya Africa and the rehearsal dinner will be held in the bush.  SBS pops into the mix, but she will only be attending the bridal shower.  This gives the gals the perfect segue to gossip about why Porsha won’t be at the wedding, she claimed the first-class tickets are $10,000.  Kandi got her ticket for $5,000, so what’s the big deal.  Dayum Porsha, take the underground railroad!

It’s the big day of Shamea’s bridal shower/bachelorette combo party platter day of every-thang.  All the ladies are dressed as if attending a civilized afternoon tea party, while there are topless, Chippendale-like, male waiters scurrying all over the place.  Porsha walks in and mistakes SBS for Wigs-n-Cigs, so clearly this girl has bigger issues than not being able to afford a plane ticket.  Porsha tries to act natural, but the tension is thick as her false eyelash glue.  Porsha attempts to explain to Shamea that she cannot fly coach because of her medical “condition”, Vasovagal syndrome and low blood pressure.   I wonder how many of us simultaneously googled that just now.  Anyway – Welcome to, yet another installment, of Porsha’s bullshit.  Kandi is low-key annoyed by all this, she would rather go participate in a dreadful bridal shower game, which consists of tying a raw hot dog on a string around your waist and lowering said wiener into the bottom of a Dixie cup with a hole cut out of it.  This was straight up unsettling folks.  Move along, nothing to see here other than SBS lowering the wiener into the hole in record time.  Not her first rodeo!

Shamea is giving Porsha a hard time about not coming to Africa for the Coming to America wedding.  Kandi and Carmon are mocking Porsha about her various doctor’s notes and excuses that she utilizes to get out of life.  Carmon takes a really low jab, “Porsha can’t sit with her legs down, they’re used to being up.”  Everyone starts shuffling out and ten minutes later Shamea and Porsha are fighting in her car.  Porsha is pissed about being called out in front of the Kandi Koated Klique and Shamea merely wants to understand why her childhood friend can’t pop for a plane ticket to her wedding.  Porsha finally decides she’s not willing to Vaseline her face and fight right now, so she will be a friend to Shamea from afar.  Which is no different from what she’s been doing.  She’s in the NFL now – NO.  FRIENDS.  LEFT.

Shamea argue.jpg

Next time – Cynthia continues to wade in the shallow dating pool, Nene deals with Gregg’s health scare, Porsha and Lauren get into it, and SBS asks her party planner “who gon’ check me, boo?”

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Baby Bump

Hello followers, sorry for the delay in this RHATL recap.  I’ve got this pesky full-time job thingy that really gets in the way of my creative outlets.  Anyhoo – I’m back bitches, and ready to have some fun.  There’s a lot to unpack here, let’s start with some general RHATL housekeeping:

First and foremost – WHERE ARE THE TAGLINES?  The Bravo intern must still be toiling away over his laptop, his asshole sweating like it’s being paid to.  We’ll let it slide for this week, but next week we want taglines and they better be on point!

Second – Phaedra Sparks Counselor Parks is no longer.  This is for the best – her puffed-up foolishness had grown tiresome on all fronts, and there’s part of me that was starting to think she had that Apollo chasing her with the power drill moment coming to her.  But folks… this means THERE IS NO AYDEN.  This also contributed to my recap delay, I wept for days and awoke in a ditch covered in Oreo dust.

Okay, now that we have that out of the way… what have these fools been up to?  Kandi is focusing on the OLG restaurant, and it’s on and poppin’!  Kandi is trying a thick, blocky bang… which oddly works for her.  The furtive OLG posse is perched high atop a balcony, staring down in disbelief at the line wrapped around the block.  Everyone in the ATL is ready to get into this joint and tear into some fried chicken.  Todd’s new tagline is “They sellin’ chicken like Colorado sellin’ marijuana!”

Kandi gives her annual, obligatory speech about how she isn’t going to get bogged down by the haters, she is the self-proclaimed “people’s champ”.  She’s mom first, restaurant owner second, and let’s not forget she is a member of this dysfunctional ensemble and starring in her own spin-off show – getting XScape back together, man!

Shifting over to Lake Bailey, Cynthia has finally found her zen through a leaf blower.  As she preps her deck for company, she throws some grapes and Laughing Cow on a saucer and pops the Prosecco.  Rolls Royce Nene is at the door and she is taken aback by the “acreage” of Lake Bailey.  Cynthia finally has money in the bank, which apparently entitles her to celebrate a birthday year.  Some folks celebrate a birthday weekend, or a birthday month, but Ms. Cynthia ain’t stoppin’.  It’s my birthday year, damn it, and I am throwing another theme party where everyone must dress up as a version of ME!  It’s 50 shades of Cynthia, I can hardly wait.

As the two catch up, Cynthia wastes no time in announcing to Nene that arch-rival Kenya, is now married.  Cynthia was in the dark, so I spy a rift in the budding BFFL territory.  Kenya twirls in, cut the small talk, let the grilling commence!  Nene wants receipts for this marriage, but she’ll get nothing and like it.  Kenya will only drop a few morsels, she knew said “Baby” for four months, oh and his name, yeah it’s “Baby”.  Brilliant, smashing – move along folks, no red flags of a doomed marriage to see here!  A simple Google search tells us his name is Marc Daly, and let me just say… by the looks of this wedding photo, these two are going places.  When your groom gives you a fist-bump to seal the nuptials, Guuuuuurrrrl… you know it’s built to last!

Kenya married

Nene presses for a name, but Kenya won’t budge, “Baby” it is!  So, is this like “Baby Driver”, “Maybe the Dingo ate your Baby”?  I just don’t get it.  Kenya goes on to reveal that they are going to dump Moore McMansion and find a new house of cards within which to live.  Moore McMans. has too many ghosts of hired psychos past and no baseboards.  We finally get a glimpse of the ring, but Nene is still not buying what she’s selling.  Nene wants a copy of the Marriage License, and quite frankly so does the rest of America.

Bitch what

We see Kenya talking to her father later while she tools around in her Bentley.  Listening to her father talk is like watching the DMV sloth from Zootopia.  OY VEY… use your words Papa Moore!  He has a case of the sads over missing his daughter’s wedding and having to learn about it via Facebook post.  She didn’t invite him because she thought her dad would say something to frighten the skittish Baby.  Again, no red flags here… all is right in the ATL.

Sloth

We catch up with our favorite violent, angry ditz, Porsha.  She is now dispensing advice via podcast, and apparently, she preps by tearing into a chicken dinner and shooting warm Hennessey.  Gettin’ paid to be an idiot!  What has this nation come to?  Porsha does the podcast with her sister and cousin, they talk to their pretend audience, discussing working with friends.  This is a perfect segue for Porsha to announce that she has “locked it down” when it comes to her friends.  She tells the girls that Phaedra has been texting, but Lauren warns to keep her distance.  We also learn that Porsha and Nene have a big, two-year old, beef sangwich between them.  Apparently when Nene gave her some actual sound advice, by way of “Bitch, keep your motherf*ckin’ hands offa people”, Porsha didn’t take that under advisement and Nene is as ruffled as her costumes.

She by Shereé is back, in her resident role of floating, shit-stirring mechanism of destruction.  She is also rotating some very confusing wiglettes.  We must address the elephant in the room, which is what I have lovingly dubbed the “Fried, Dyed, on the Side, Atomic Blonde” wig.  SBS up to some international espionage, are we?

SBS Atomic Blonde

Maybe there’s more to SBS than meets the eye… no, we’ve looked into her eyes, there’s less.  #seinfeldreference #seewhatididthere?

Newman meets eye

SBS drops by Nene’s new boutique – SWAGG.  Not to be confused with POSCHE – different state, different HO’s.  Anyhoo, SBS is ready to throw shade all over the damn place.  She’s playing it close to the vest, all details on her own personal life are on Defcon 4, security lock down.  Not much going on here, just Nene peacocking her return to the cast and setting up the shit-storm that will gust through this entire season.

Finally, it’s the big day of Cynthia’s “you know you wanna be me, bitch” themed party.  We learn that she and Papa Smurf are now BFFL’s (READ:  Exes with benefits in lieu of spousal support checks).  Papa ain’t comin’ to this shin-dig however, his wait-staff in Charlotte aren’t going to grope themselves!  Malorie and Cynthia’s mom arrive and they’re asking about Peter as if they like him now.  What f*cked up parallel universe have we entered into?  Guests arrive at the party, Cynthia makes her grand entrance and she’s chosen a really ugly yellow dress because she wants to reflect “love and light”.  Insert RHNJ crossover here:

Love light image

Cynthia probably should have re-thought the gladiator lace up in the back, it’s creating some unruly back stuff in the most unflattering way.  But what the hell… she’s 50 BITCH!  Cynthia presents a horrifying looking award to Kandi for “the best Cynthia”, which consists of the Coca Cola Can Curlers Cynthia.  The party starts to dissipate, some of the guests continue to drink and play “mother*ckin’ walk off”, Malorie almost blows out her cankle, and the team Porsha vs. everyone else alliances begin to take shape.

kandi-soda-cans-min

SBS insists that Porsha talk to everyone and Nene rips into her like a hot chicken drummie.  Porsha is upset that Nene said she should be fired from the show, Nene denies using the word “fired”, Porsha demands receipts!  ROLL THE EFFIN’ TAPE!  Nene is prepared to fight like the experienced big dawg she is.  She wants a full audit, produce receipts for the last seven years, then we’ll talk!

nene-porsha-confront

Whew… well I don’t know about y’all, but I’m exhausted.  Next time – Cynthia tries her hand at Tinder, Kenya is having marital issues already, and Porsha continues to have idiot issues.

Reunion – Part Quatre

We pick up where we left off last week – the moment before #HouseOfCardsByPhaedra comes crashing down into a pile of messy rubble.  There is a lot of caterwauling, fake crying, shrieking, and too-little, too-late apologizing here…Parts 1 & 2 were the bread, part 3 was the mayo and mustard, now let’s get to the meat of this shit sangwich!

Phaedra has now admitted she repeated the rumor to Porsha, that Kandi hatched a plan to pull a Bill Cosby on Porsha and drag her back to her sex dungeon, and commit untold things.  With this admission, Porsha fires back at her BFF (soon to be former) – “YOU TOLD ME KANDI SAID IT TO YOU!”  This is where Kandi freaks out and a fiery hailstorm of “THE LIES, THE LIES, THE LIES!” rains down on Phaedra.

Kandi - Flip Out

Porsha starts breaking down, realizing that her BFF used her as pawn in her game to start a vicious rumor, but nobody is buying her tears.  I am not really either, considering there are no actual tears coming out of her botox-blocked ducts.  She is faking all the way and these two must have used a Groupon for some back alley acting class.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta - Season 9

Kandi is legit crying and her copper glitter makeup is in her eyes and she’s blinded.  She stumbles off stage and yells to Todd that she’s ready to “punch them Ho’s in the face!”  Now there’s a show I can get behind!

Shamea sits with Porsha trying really hard not to say “I told you so”, but she big, fat, says it anyway and this isn’t a message Porsha is ready to receive.  Porsha asks for her sister to come in and comfort her, while her BFF, partner in crime, is calmly having her curls touched up.

Everyone else is milling around backstage, they have kicked off their heels and are walking around in their pedicure lily pads.  They are ready to lay down, wiggle out of their spanx, and make some popcorn!  Kenya gets Brandon on the phone to check her appointment book – nope won’t give any f*cks tomorrow either!

Kenya - Calendar

OHAC drops in on Porsha, she feels set up, but knowing that the show must go on, he encourages her to tidy up that eyeliner and apologize to Kandi.  He heads across the hall to visit Kandi, and he says “I’m shocked”, while maintaining a cool, half-smiling demeanor, which suggests he is the opposite of shocked.  He glances at his watch… touch it up and get back on that stage.  Dance, monkeys, dance!

Dance Monkey

Phaedra’s touched up weave is all set and she creeps in to Porsha’s area saying “I’m sorry!”  Porsha is fanning herself with a paper plate she grabbed from craft services.  If she has any sense at all she will throw that friendship contract in the nearest appliance fire and run!

Porsha - fanning

The gang assembles themselves back into the insufferable semi-circle of the damned and Porsha asks Phaedra when she was going to “stop the madness” and Phaedra sits there like a clam with lockjaw and dementia.

Porsha insists that Phaedra relayed this rumor as first-hand information, but Phaedra tries to play the “you heard me wrong” card.  Kenya pipes up “here comes the spin”!  Porsha threatens to pull out text messages and receipts.  I sorta wish she would have, but then we would be into part cinq, and I really want to get on with my life.

Porsha insists her BFF maintained this information was first-hand up until two days ago.  Phaedra will not supply any explanation other than “bad judgment” and “I made a rash decision”!  Sorry counselor Parks, a “rash decision” is eating the entire cake instead of just a slice, #Don’tJudgeMe.  You don’t normally make said “rash decision” repeatedly, over a period of 12 successive weeks.  #AgainDon’tJudgeMe!

We migrate a bit away from the Bill Cosby allegations and Phaedra does cop to the “Marvin” rumor, which Kandi finds funny because Todd hasn’t even been to New York since his mother passed.  Wow, at this point Phaedra should feel like a grade-A piece of dog shit scraped from the bottom of an algae ridden pond, filled with toxic radioactive waste.  We briefly touch on the Johnnie lawsuit, Phaedra’s dabblings with Mr. Chocolate, who she claims is a man she was speaking to, but never met, and he was encouraging her.  Let’s bag the “is there hope for this friendship” segment and call it a freaking day!

At the end, OHAC presents Cynthia with a 50th birthday cake with trick candles, but we are done with tricks!  Get rid of Frick and Frack!  Well I don’t know about you, but I am exhausted, winded, and bereft!  See you next season!

Reunion – Part Trois

This week was all over the map and the only parts worth seeing was the sparkly sheen radiating from the new beard on Bob Crazy Eye and the last five minutes when we learn that Phaedra Parks is the responsible party for taking the shit stirring to a new low, not that any of us are shocked #AlternativePhactsByPhaedra!

House Hubbies – We are joined by Papa Smurf, Marvin (li’l Todd), and Bob Crazy Eye.  Bob either has a new product endorsement deal with Jheri Curl or he doesn’t understand the direction “repeat as needed”, as in, “Trim beard to socially acceptable level of crazy, apply liberally, repeat as needed.”  Bob tries to apologize to SBS again, but she ain’t buyin’ his counterfeit goods.  She has heard it all before and the door has been slammed and nailed shut on any re-kindling hopes they once had.  I don’t think she ever had any intention on getting back together with him.  I think she accidentally packed her Kandi Koated toys in a box labeled “unfinished basement” during the move to Chateau Shereé and she had a weak moment and thought she might let Bob back in the hen house.  Too little, too late Bob.  Oh, and I hope your new beard gets caught in a box fan.

Crazy eye sheen

Papa Smurf and Cynthia are on texting terms and we learn that Noelle continues her relationship with Peter and asks him for advice.  Not sure what type of advice the teen would need…how to single handedly squander your partner’s life-time earnings in two years?  How to get caught on camera giving hickeys to a waitress?  How to fail at every business venture you attempt?

OHAC asks to clarify once and for all, did Papa and Cynthia take one last lap around the pool while vacationing in Hawaii?  Papa answers, if he can’t have all of Cynthia then he wants none of her or her magnificent weave.  Good answer, considering he has clearly had several cocktails.  Cynthia discusses why the marriage didn’t work, it was one hurdle after another and she couldn’t cope with the stress.  Welcome to marriage, baby, where you too can be eternally mad and resentful!  I guess Cynthia was right, she just isn’t the marrying kind.  Cynthia reveals she has gone on one date and is starting the application process, meanwhile, Peter is drunkenly swiping right on his phone and he looks up long enough to let us know that he has a very promising prospect in his snare.

In other relationships careening off the rails, Porsha and Todd are “on pause”.  He got a job in D.C., they generally are not speaking, and they have no plans on proceeding with the baby-nup.  Papa Smurf is salivating, not only for his own peach and tagline, but he is ready to pounce like a Liger on Porsha and Phaedra.  Instead he chooses to take what little dignity he has left and walk off the stage screaming to the Bravo Intern “where the f*ck is da’ drank, DAWG…the f*ck is da’ drank?!?”  Cynthia whips out her laminated wallet card containing her divorce decree, looks heavenward, and whispers “Thank you, Jezzuz!”

SBS Bone Carrier Mess Box – SBS was titled the “bone carrier” this season because she be draggin’ allllll the skeletons outta da’ closet.  Shamea joins the insufferable semi-circle of the damned and we learn that she and Porsha have terminated their friendship contract.  Kenya chimes in a few times and nicknames Porsha “Elvis” due to her sparkly outfit and new pompadour wiglette.  Porsha snarls back with her rehearsed arsenal of zingers, “you propped up those long jugs and think you doin’ somethin’!”  “Toodles Bitch!”  “BYE WIG!”  Porsha apologizes to Shamea for not defending her when Phaedra threw her and Kandi under the bus by way of obscene hand gesture, and for anything she ever did, anywhere, at any time, that made her want to terminate their friend-nup.  Shamea accepts, but goes on record stating the Frick and Frack do not have a real friendship.  It’s merely an alliance based on convenience.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta - Season 9

At that point, Shamea and Phaedra go at it.  Shamea says that Phaedra’s navel is a li’l to the left and she should stop using Groupon for her plastic surgery.  Across the insufferable semi-circle of the damned, Kenya chortles with delight.

Through the Psychological Threshing Machine that is the Rumor Mill – We get into the vicious rumors spread about Kandi.  Kandi admits she has taken a healthy dip in the lady pond a time or two, or three or four… OHAC is a little too interested, he wants exact numbers and a pie chart!  Pun intended.

Phaedra and Porsha keep skirting the issue on semantic technicalities, but I call audible foul.  Porsha maintains she was wearing her beer goggles when she kissed Kandi, asked her to go back to her hotel room, and then engage in an oral transaction to Kandi’s full satisfaction.  Since she and Kandi can’t agree on what actually transpired, Kandi notes that she should’ve taken Porsha up on the offer just to prove the point.  Well, sometimes ya’ gotta take one for the team Kandi!

There is more inane discussion, more demonstrations of inappropriate hand gestures, including a repeat of the index finger into the circled thumb and forefinger and OHAC throws in a scissoring gesture, just for good measure.

At this point the question is posed to Porsha as to why the hell she said those defamatory things about Kandi.  She responds by waxing philosophical about how she is “journalist” at Dish Nation.  And yes, I will “air quote” that right in her lying face!  After everyone gets off the floor from falling down laughing, Porsha announces that she received a cease and desist from Kandi and cannot speak about the alleged “Kandi planned to drug me, drag me down to her sex dungeon, and then rape me with her best-selling Kandi Koated sex toy” rumor.  Porsha deploys the ultimate conversational ripcord when she turns to her BFF and politely asks Phaedra to explain why she said this was Kandi’s intention.  And BAMM!  BLOOP!  SHUT THE PHRONT DOOR!  The Liger is outta the bag.

Kandi - Flip Out

Next week is the explosive conclusion where Kandi loses her shit on Phaedra.  Phaedra has taken “throwing shade” way too far, it’s about to go down like a fat kid on a see-saw!  See you next week!

Reunion – Part Deux

Hey everybody, I don’t know about you, but I find it utterly disturbing the ungodly abomination, heretofore known as Keyna Moore, is the most well behaved this reunion season.  I guess I shouldn’t count those chickens before they snap, there are two more parts of this shit show yet to be seen.  Let’s get on to the low lights of this week:

Porsha on the Playground – We pick up where we left off, Porsha sulking because she feels bullied in the sandbox.  Hey, I’ve got a remedy for that, leave the show.  Do not walk off, but storm off with all the reckless abandon of a two-year old.  I know she needs the Bravo paycheck, but dayum guuuuurl, if the group treats you that badly then just pour all your energies into emoting on Dish Nation.

Serious Matt-ers – We review the unhinged Matt behavior, there are allegations that Kenya hired Matt to play the role, she allegedly has a new boyfriend, and apparently Matt has a crush on Porsha.  The most interesting thing about this segment is that Kenya admits to engaging in sexy time in Matt’s truck, as he alleged in their back-stairwell argument.  Phaedra snickers and mutters something to Frack about how Kenya didn’t even have the decency to get a hotel room to smash with her psychotic show boyfriend.  Really Counselor Parks?  You were responding to booty calls from a felon on an air-mattress.  You have no room in your Spanx to talk.

This segues into the revelation of the abuse SBS endured at the hands of her ex, Crazy-Eye sweaty Bob, and the de-kindling of their relationship.  SBS reveals that she had never told anyone about the abuse, not even her own mother or her children.  Cynthia and her hair deliver a pep talk, “you don’t have to be superwoman and carry all this weight!”  SBS can finally release all the pain she’s been carrying and help other women in the process.  Hmm…I smell a new cause!  In all seriousness, this was a very somber part of the show.

SBS Sad

Alternative Phacts – Phaedra is on the hot-seat and all we get here is more proof that she and her timelines are sketch as f*ck.  She waffles around about whether or not her divorce is final and insists she didn’t tell the other women about her divorce or that her middle name is “Creonta” because these hags are not her friends.  She reveals she paid Apollo $100K as their settlement dictated and she alludes that OHAC hooked her up with Shemar Moore and they may, or may not be seeing each other on an air mattress in the off-hours of the night.

OHAC confronts Phaedra about her notoriously hazy timelines and Phaedra produces her divorce decree, which she had hiding under her hot couch cushion this entire session.

Phaedra evidence

The dates, name spellings, appeals, and contestations still render this evidence inadmissible in reunion court.  Beyotch be chock full o’ SHIT!

Phaedra Phacts

Kandi alleges that Phaedra keeps calling the city to throw monkey wrenches in the OLG opening schedule.  There isn’t enough tittay tape in all of the ATL to piece this friendship back together.

Phaedra and Kenya get into it, then Phaedra delivers the goofiest read ever, “Nobody wants you.  You’re like an old condo they converted into a town home.”  Given my line of work, this makes me chuckle.  She meant to say “you’re like an old apartment converted into a condo.”  Idiots everywhere purchase converted properties, but I digress!

The Real Kids of ATL – We take a quick peek down memory lane and review all the amazing children and their growth process.  We also get to judge how the housewife hair has evolved, or in some cases, devolved.  Takeaways – Noelle reads Cynthia a lot, Riley is about as enthusiastic as I am when I go for my annual pap smear, Kairo still hasn’t gotten his Cargo backpack, and Ayden still deserves his own show.

Next week, Crazy-Eyed Bob joins the group.  He is sporting an overgrown beard and he is either sweating profusely all the way through the beard, or he has fallen face first into an open vat of Jheri Curl.  There is a Papa Smurf walk off and we finally confronting the malicious rumors about Kandi.

The Warm Up – Reunion Part Un

Preparation is Everything – We start out with the “8 hours earlier” montage of all the women performing their pre-reunion rituals and then strapping themselves into the hair and makeup chairs.  After a full working day later, they are cinched, taped, makeup caked, and ready to take several seats at the insufferable semi-circle of the damned.  The outfits this year don’t seem too conducive to hurling insults across the Pier One coffee table.  They really should be sporting leggings as pants.

Leggings pants

Reinforce your weaves, let’s dive into the low-lights:

Tittay Talk – the ladies spent some time at the spa this season and the girls are literally and figuratively on display tonight!  Kandi reveals that she decided to have a boob job after they finished filming.  Phaedra has an unhealthy obsession with camel-toe, but she feels this is perfectly normal because Amazon sells prosthetic camel toe.  Just because it’s for sale guuuurrrrl, doesn’t make it right.  Case in point:

Man bun

OHAC asks Cynthia if Papa Smurf met Cynthia’s rejuvenated va-jay-jay, but she denies.  They came close, but no cigar in the hot dog bun vagina.

Minding Your Manor – we revisit the battle of Moore Manor vs. Chateau Shereé.  Nothing really new to be seen here, except we learn that Kenya had some intruders at Moore Manor and ran them off with her trusty hand gun.  OHAC polls the ladies on who owns a gun, they all raise their hands except Cynthia.  SBS just got her permit.  Hang on to your wigs and Spanx ladies and gents.  These crazy beyotches be ARMED!  I can hear Phaedra now, “but officer, this is my medicinal sawed off shotgun.”

SBS clears up the misconception that she isn’t living in the Chateau, but Kenya says she drives by, en route to her daily deeds of doom and destruction, and she never sees lights on.  Well duh, a home with no appliances needs no electricity!  Although she would need the air compressor for her mattress…hmm.  Anyhoo – Kenya admits she went into the basement at Chateau Shereé at prompting by producers to be purposefully shady.  The arguing ensues and SBS reveals that Kenya didn’t provide a port-a-potty for her contractors and they had to poo and pee in the gully.  Explains the foul odor about a quarter-mile circumference around Moore Manor.  SBS tops it off with some “true tea” about Kenya having a rich African married man giving her money for the down payment on Moore Manor.  Kenya stands firm, she is self-made and pays her own way 100%, via her earnings from the “Dubai Date Book”?  How do we get in on this Dubai Date Book, can we order from Amazon alongside our prosthetic camel toes and synthetic man buns?  Asking for a friend…

Frienemies – Phaedra let Kenya back in her life a pinch and suffered the dire consequence, as predicted.  Phaedra brings up text-gate 2002, while SBS settles up all the bets on when exactly Kenya/Phaedra friendship would free fall into a fiery abyss.

Cynthia weighed in and didn’t really like Kenya’s divorce party either, but she didn’t feel it warranted Phaedra’s, I’m sick and in desperate need of ginger-ale, and while I’m at it I’ll bring up some old wound I said I forgave, but not really, OMG you triflin’ beyotch textin’ my huzzzband who has now been in jail for two years and whom I am divorcing, and who is now engaged to his prison-pen-pal-in-a-box, OH LORT why do I care anymore, I just don’t know, I just need this dayum Bravo paycheck, over the top reaction.  Kenya claims Phaedra is living two lives, Southern Belle public face and Freak HO on da’ streets.  Bottom line, Phaedra has turned into an asshole of epic proportions and she needs to be canned.  Although, Ayden should have his own show where he just says things at random for 22 minutes.

Anger Mis-Management – Porsha addresses her tremendous progress, while SBS and Phaedra steady her to prevent a Defcon 4 melt-down.  Now that Porsha is an expert in how to emote and not get arrested, she hints that Kandi has her own anger management issues and could benefit from some therapy.  As Porsha lectures, Kandi cracks up in her face.  Guuuuurrrrl, when you gonna learn?  Kandi is fresh outta f*cks to give.  She doesn’t need the Bravo paycheck or your triflin’ ass telling her she’s a rageaholic.  There’s some more caterwauling between the two, but I’ve grown tired and disinterested.

Dieter tiresome

Since this is just part one of 987, I’m gonna save up my energy for when we get to the uncontrollable sobbing and storm offs.  See ya’ next week!

Chateau She Di’int!

Well folks, it’s finally the finale and the unveiling of the semi-finished Chateau Shereé…let’s get to the good stuff, tout de suite!  SBS has all hands on-deck, her party planning team is working overtime and they have the handsome pay stubs to prove it.  Unlike Johnnie, who is still pursuing his wage lawsuit against Kandi Koated Entertainment, but more on that later…

The housewarming party is five years in the making and if that wasn’t bad enough, SBS decides the party needs to have a masquerade theme.  SBS will be masquerading as someone who has money to actually pay for all of this.  Things are clicking along, until SBS finds out that the incorrect appliances were delivered so she will not have a refrigerator or stove present for the party.  That’s what happens when you purchased refurbished floor models, sometimes things get mixed up!  She has a li’l “who gon’ check me boo” moment, but her construction manager fires up the hot plate and fills the Styrofoam coolers with dry ice, you got this guuurrrrl!

who-gon-check-me-boo

Meanwhile, across town, Kandi takes Riley to her favorite hibachi restaurant, but they are missing out on the best part because they are sitting at one of those sad li’l tables on the side, rather than at an actual hibachi grill.  There will be no onion volcano for you li’l girl, this is a serious dinner, whereby you will pretend to try and form a relationship with your estranged, ne’er-do-well father.  Right on cue, Block walks in and sits down to receive his heaping helping of awkward.  Riley lets him listen to her recorded song and he has a sneaking suspicion that it’s written about him.  Man, say what you will about Block, but dayum he one sharp marble!  OY!

Sharp as marble

He asks Kandi to leave the table and she agrees it’s a good idea to give them some alone, bonding time.  Riley looks like she’d rather be contracting e-coli at Chipotle than conversating with this knob, or conversating with anyone for that matter!  Kandi returns after two minutes and Block announces that he feels Riley has been brainwashed.  This sets off a kerfuffle between Kandi and Block, but Riley points out that he is the adult so he is brainwashed if he thinks he resembled anything of a father.  Sensing that he is fighting a losing battle and that he looks particularly reprehensible on camera, he asks to wipe the slate clean and move forward.

In other reprehensible acts, Counselor Parks takes a second meeting with Johnnie and the employment attorney regarding his alleged lawsuit against Kandi.  Although the firm declines to represent him with regard to the OLG restaurant idea, they are salivating at the opportunity to represent him in the wage claim.  The angle will be violation of federal law regarding minimum wage, to which Counselor Parks offers up her “basic calculation” indicating that Johnnie was paid via loose change from Kandi’s pleather couch cushions, whilst working tirelessly to find feather dancers for Kandi’s “Coming to America” themed wedding.

Meanwhile, Kandi is laying out her Kandi Koated bondage themed outfit for the SBS masquerade housewarming when she receives a call from Don Juan.  He gives her the news about Johnnie’s complaint being filed, but Kandi has no fear.  She will dip in to her Tyler Perry, mogul-status, frivolous lawsuit fund and lawyer up.  Kandi knows Phaedra is behind this and she plans to confront her at the housewarming party.

As Phaedra oils up and slides into her Spanx, her date for the party shows up and is none other than Dwight, he is pinched, cinched, and ready to party.  He graciously lies to her by saying she looks fabulous in her dress, which is pinching her back fat within an inch of its life.

Porsha has some nominal screen time this week, which is a nice reprieve from her goofy-ass shenanigans.  She and Lauren visit their father’s grave, whereby Porsha has an epiphany, she is glad that low-rent Todd didn’t go for the baby-nup.  She needs somebody more kick-ass, like her father, who knew how to stand up and be a man!  However, low-rent Todd and his chunky Ralph Lauren sweater will suffice for now as her date for the Chateau Shereé extravaganza.

Now that we’ve had our tray-passed appetizers, let’s get to the meat.  It’s the night of the big party, SBS is in hair and makeup and she forms a prayer circle to find the strength to pull this off without appliances.  Security on deck to keep the nosey beyotches out of the unfinished, dusty areas – CHECK.  Holiday light projector found in storage, perfect for radiating “Chateau Shereé” onto the side of the house and inside walls – CHECK.  Cirque de Soleil reject twirling on a contraption over the Rent-A-Center coffee table – CHECK!

Chateau SBS Light

As the ladies arrive, they start kibitzing about the latest happenings at the OLG restaurant opening, but nobody was there for the baby-back ribs girlfriend, it was all about Apollo’s girlfriend and her search for her 15 minutes of fame.  Phaedra and Porsha conveniently take a hike so the rest of the group can talk shit.  Porsha fills Phaedra in on the OLG opening happenings, of course Phaedra thinks Kandi and Todd plotted to invite Apollo’s latest prison pen-pal.

The drama is cut short by the grand entrance of SBS in her hideous black and gold gown, looking like an insane matador from one of the square states.  She has actually hired gown-fluffers, as if she’s a bride or getting ready to break out into a Paso Doble on Dancing with the Atlanta Stars.

SBS grand entrance

The party starts to take on the appearance of a D-list celebrity death match.  It’s a parade of housewives past, Lisa Wu from the first two seasons shows up, but the real fun begins when Wigs-n-Cigs rolls in.  Oh, dear reader, her red Solo cup is full o’ boxed wine and she is ready to rumble.

Kenya saw the bat signal and made her way over the bog.  She can’t afford the $3.00 tour, so like a housewife removing groceries from her order at the cashier, she finds a way to make it work!  She recruits Kandi to dart past secuuuurrrrity and poke around in search of unfinished drywall and dusty baseboards.  They end up in the basement, which is shockingly…UNFINISHED!  Kenya feels she has hit the shade jackpot, but she is grasping at straws.  The real dirt is in the appliance-less kitchen!  Apparently, secuuuurrrrity consists of some beyotch with a top-knot who is totally asleep at the wheel.  She yells at Kenya and Kandi to get the hell out of the basement.  SBS is giving Wigs-n-Cigs a tour as said secuuuurrrrity runs in to inform her of the basement breach.  Kenya and Kandi trail in as she’s yelling “these beyotches be in yo’ basement!”  Wigs-n-Cigs ain’t havin’ it and now that she is SBS’ ride or die, she lays into Kenya.  Kenya mentions she will not be takin’ any shit from “octomom”, and the two start to exchange words.  SBS tries to forge ahead with the $3.00 tour and Kenya keeps pointing out all the ways that Chateau Shereé has copied or is inferior to Moore Manor.  Meanwhile, in the bedroom Wigs and Kandi are sorta making peace and Kenya is interfering with all the zen.  Wigs finally asks Kenya point-blank, “why are you just being an asshole?”

Wigs Cigs

She lays into her about her vagina falling out of her dress, not having a baby, or a real man at home.  Kenya fires back, six kids by three different men, a husband who has no job, and duck lips.  Dauym…while all of this is going on Frick and Frack are frolicking in the bathroom like two toddlers who have gotten into their mom’s makeup case.

Wigs and Kenya supply the pyrotechnics as they continue taking shots at each other.  SBS decides to put the kibosh on the fight, she whips off the skirt portion of her gown, as if she were a matador ready for a bull fight.  Under the gown is a catsuit, supplying ample camel toe for all to enjoy.  The camel toe has a calming effect and has squashed the drama, for now.

At the end of the night, Kandi and Phaedra sit down to finally confront their issues.  Kandi tells her she didn’t invite Apollo’s girlfriend to the OLG opening, she had nothing to do with it, and she even offers the Counselor an apology.  Which frankly, she didn’t have to do.  Kandi is doing that thing where she flies above the drama, at least until the reunion, where it appears her flight is shot down by Kamikaze cast mates.  Kandi asks Phaedra about her involvement with Johnnie’s lawsuit, but Phaedra claims she can’t speak about it and only offers that she didn’t initiate the action.  Sure, it wasn’t my idea, but when Johnnie brought it to me, I was on that shit like a hobo on a Lysol infused rag.  Kandi isn’t buyin’ what she’s sellin’, and rounds out the night, “you hate while I be great!”

In conclusion:

  • Phaedra – has her own legal woes, a judge sided with Apollo and threw out their divorce settlement, even though he’s technically still “engaged”.
  • Kandi – rakes in the coins, has more Grammy’s than anyone on this show, she co-wrote a song for Ed Sheeran.
  • Cynthia – celebrated her 50th birthday with a photo of her in a birthday suit. She and Papa Smurf are both back on Tinder, but they are not swiping right on each other.
  • Porsha – still living alone in her rented McMansion, she launched a new gimmick, a cleanse called “The Dump”, how apropos! Nothing new with her and Todd, or his chunky sweater.
  • Kenya – producing a PSA on domestic violence and the dangers of hiring D-rate actors to pose as boyfriends. She invited SBS over to Moore Manor to show her some tips on finishing a basement.
  • SBS – lives at the Chateau, despite rumors that it’s uninhabited. She is also collecting dirt for the sequel to her novel.

Next week – it’s part one of 83 of the reunion.

Tasty Sides

It’s the typical, let’s try and smooth out some of these frayed edges, but set up something semi-explosive, penultimate episode.  There are a lot of things still under construction here, so let’s break it down!

Chateau Shereé is still under construction, but it looks like SBS has at least moved on to the outside of the house.  Kenya pops by in her Bentley, but SBS won’t let her past the gate.  Keyna laughs at the 80 bulldozers driving around on the grounds and hardly believes this shack will be move-in ready anytime soon.  SBS extends an invite to her housewarming and sends her neighbor back to the other side of the bog.

Later, SBS and her children are packing up her condo and SBS is astonished at the amount of half-empty liquor bottles in her kitchen cabinets.  Her kids are no help as she slings their belongings into boxes.  As SBS sits down to deflate the final air mattress, she reflects…lesson learned here, never depend on anyone for anything!  Somewhere, Crazy Eyed Bob is crying in a pool of his own sweat.

Cynthia is ready to touch up her edges and move on with her life.  The first 50 years, Cynthia Bailey lived to please others, but now it’s her turn, the next 50 years are all about her!  How long you plannin’ on livin’, guuuurrrl?  Kenya calls and delivers the news that Papa Smurf is in town and creepily driving by their former marital home.

It’s Phaedra’s “burfday” and her BFF, Porsha has planned a two-person party, and what doesn’t scream “LET’S GET TURNT ALL THE WAY UP” like a tray of cold cuts, champagne, and matching Frick and Frack onesies!

Phaedra snackin

These two jump around in their onesies and Phaedra gets “Porshafied”.  Porsha starts putting various wigs on Counselors head, sidebar:  the blonde bob looks surprisingly good on her.  They settle on a black beach wave and retire to the love seat to talk trash.  Phaedra had no intention on attending the OLG opening and her friendship contract with Kandi is officially null and void!

Frick Frack

The OLG restaurant is teetering on the precipice of the extremely soft-opening.  Kandi is taking a final look over Todd’s accomplishments, or lack thereof.  Todd is promising he will get to everything in the next 24 hours, including selecting uniforms, calling in the ultimate dusting crew, installing the A/C units, and creating a menu.  But wait, HOLD UP – the outdoor patio is set up with orange folding chairs instead of the decided-upon accent color yellow chairs of non-folding variety.  Turns out Todd made an executive decision, found a deal on the Halloween party section of overstock.com.

Let’s face it, the OLG restaurant is a ramshackle disaster.  They have dust that would rival Chateau Shereé, the wall art is still printing on the ink-jet, and the CO2 vendor just called and won’t have the canisters delivered until next year.  Kandi and Todd take five, never mind that he hasn’t showered in over a week, he assures her the restaurant will be ready!  She asks how far over budget they are and he reveals $100K over, but Kandi doesn’t even bat an eye ‘cuz she so dayum rich, however she’s ready to burn down the whole operation over those orange folding chairs!

The day of the opening, Todd picks up Papa Smurf at the airport and they conveniently receive a call from inmate, Apollo, the fungus we never knew we wanted.  He wishes he could be there, but he will send his new prison pen-pal beyotch for support by proxy.  Peter asks how he already has a new woman, Apollo retorts, “sometimes you gotta upgrade” – yeah, I guess, if an “upgrade” is a woman who is willing to accept side-piece status as your mugshot is being splashed across the world wide web.  During same three-minute phone call, Apollo drops the news that his divorce isn’t official yet.  This isn’t really earth-shattering, but it casts shade over Counselor Parks, lying again about her status.

Smurf driving around

The pressure is on, Todd has about 30 minions scurrying around hanging pictures, sweeping, and breaking brand new glassware.  This place is literally held together with prayers and chewing gum.  The guests start to arrive and I caught a close up of the specialized drink menu, I think the “Mama Joyce Sour Wedge” is sure to be a best-seller!

We have a series of hella awkward events, Papa Smurf strolling in, Todd making Kandi sing a verse of “I Fly Above” without music, and of course Phaedra’s marked absence.  Perhaps the most awkward moment of the night goes to Apollo’s new girlfriend, Sherien, she walks in and of course Todd and Peter are stationed at a table by the door.  They make their introductions and Todd asks how they met.  She and Phaedra do have one thing in common, giving vague, non-committal answers.  “We found love, leave it at that!”

Todd takes Sherien over to the ladies, who are sitting in a private room, and he introduces her as the “soon to be Mrs. Nida, who is ready to knock your Spanx off”.  Sherien reveals that she had known Apollo for many years and “wifey wasn’t around, so I was”.  Kenya cackles at this news, especially considering the Counselor spewed her seven-year old vitriol on her in Maui.

Sherein

Conveniently, Sherien gets a prison call from Apollo and Kandi’s face indicates she is feeling increasingly uncomfortable.  Apollo makes sure to blurt out that his divorce isn’t final and everyone pretends to be stunned at this unsettling turn of events.  Kandi sets Apollo straight and feels this is “messy”, she makes it clear that she had no idea that Sherien was in the picture.  Sherien waltzes out, as if to say “my pot-stirring work here is done!”Convenient

Next week on the finale, the lawsuit against Kandi escalates and Kandi confronts Phaedra about it, the return of Block, Chateau Shereé is finally open for bidness, but Kenya susses out an unfinished wing of the Chateau, and the return of Wigs-n-Cigs.

Baby-Nope

Cynthia is prepping for another Cargo fashion show.  Momager SBS, and her soon to be compensated if it kills her son, Kairo, show up to rehearse modeling backpacks, and like walking and stuff.  Kairo has never runway walked, and saying his strut leaves a little to be desired is an understatement.  Let’s start by trying walking in a straight line, shall we?  SBS starts her shit again about compensation after Cynthia has already given her a HARD NO for the tenth time!

The day of the actual fashion show, Kairo is MIA and Cynthia phones momager only to receive some triflin’ excuses about being stuck in traffic.  He strolls in 45 minutes before show time, but Cynthia had to hock her backbone in order to pay the venue rent and she lets the unprofesh behavior slide.  SBS can’t stop bitching about the venue, it’s underground, she hears water and thinks they are all going to drown in raw sewage, and where is the air conditioning?!?!  The only sewage in this venue is the BS coming out of SBS’ mouth.  Can we get a NY Housewives crossover here?  Where is Bethany when you need her?Bethany shut up.gif

Frikkin’ Bob Crazy Eyes is schvitzing like a farm animal.  Despite the chaos, the li’l rinky dink fashion show comes off without a hitch.  Kairo has the “dead in the eyes, walking around shirtless with my backpack” model face down pat.  Pump your brakes, boy, there will be NO COMPENSATION!

Crazy eye sweating

Meanwhile, across town, Porsha is downloading the latest Baby-Nup template from Microsoft.  She gets Counselor Parks on the horn to run it by her, but alas, her BFF thinks she is balls on nuts crazy.  Porsha needs a baby like Phaedra needs a psychotic ex-huzzband chasing her around the garage while wielding a live power drill.  Besides, baby daddies are just “so yesterday!”  Porsha urges the Counselor to have an open mind, but Counselor Parks gives her the best dayum advice anyone could, “Close your legs to fake TV boyfriends, guuuurrrl!  Okay, when Counselor Parks is the unlikely voice of reason, honey you know your shit is f*cked up!  Porsha won’t listen, so Counselor Parks takes a stronger approach, she shares a cautionary tale of a “hot dog bun vagina”.  It will be so big, “like having a cookout in your pants.”  Porsha thinks she must be playin’ and gets Phaedra to agree to look over the document, but Phaedra fakes some interference on the phone and then drops the call.

Later, Porsha springs the 52-page agreement on Todd and hopes he will check the boxes and sign away his sperm, his Twitter and Instagram rights, and all future paychecks.  Todd must have a loose moth in his closet, he has holes all over his shirt.  And you wanna be her baby daddy?  He thumbs through the agreement and snaps, calling it EXTORTION!  The joy from staring at her bosom has drained from his face, this is a one-sided agreement that only benefits Porsha.  She tries to dissuade him by stating he can red-line the agreement and get back to her.  He won’t look her in the eye and it seems to be a deal breaker.  I think this fake TV relationship is over.  Burn it down with the friend contract.

Kandi and Baby Ace pop in for a visit with Mama Joyce and the OLG.  Todd is still workin’ away at the restaurant and it’s sorta coming together, they may open by 2029 if they can make good time, but don’t expect any profits, anytime soon, or ever.  The OLG inquires about the Hawaii trip and they joke about not being invited “cause we would eat them HO’s alive”.  Now there’s a Bravo producer mandated group trip from hell that I can get behind.  As they start to get their grub on, I cannot help but wonder why in the hell they are eating out of Styrofoam to go containers.  Dayum Kandi, withdraw some of that “No Scrubs” cash, get down to the Costco, and buy yo’ mama some descent Chinet compartment plates!

Phaedra pops over to the lake house to visit Cynthia and she looks like she fell ass backward into the clearance bin at Forever 21.  Someone get this woman a stylist and a mirror, STAT!

Phaedra outfit 2

They take a seat on the sectional, which Cynthia reveals she purchased from Kenya.  Phaedra hits the deck, Matt has likely planted a tracking device and may show up and bust out all the windows at any given moment.  They get down to the divorce talk and Cynthia asks her if the rumor is true, is the divorce from Apollo final?  Counselor Parks is clearly irked that her BFF, Porsha, leaked the news.  Cynthia wanted to be in the know, so they could share the experience and swap divorce and coupon clipping tips.  Phaedra claims her divorce is final…OR IS IT?  Insert dramatic DUN DUN DUN here!

DUN DUN DUN

Phaedra felt that Kenya’s divorce party theme was insensitive and evil.  Cynthia pushes her to forgive, it was supposed to be a fun li’l shindig where they cut up and ate penis cake.  Let’s not forget kissin’ dicks on the wall!  Lesson learned, don’t threaten Phaedra with a good time!

In other Phaedra, I wear my clothing seven sizes too small, news…she takes Kandi’s former assistant, Johnnie and his chin scratch, to meet with a leading employment attorney.  If Kandi and Phaedra ever had a chance to be friends again, that hope was single-handedly dashed in this scene right here.  Johnnie discusses his potential case regarding COMPENSATION and for Kandi ripping off his rando thoughts like “open a restaurant themed after your surly aunts” or “write a play based on Kandi’s life”.  This whole scene is off, like an after-school special gone horribly awry.

Johnnie attorney

As we wrap up this lackluster episode, Kenya takes her dogs shopping for their birthday and invites Matt since he’s the puppy daddy.  Dayum, should’ve downloaded that puppy-nup template!  Matt sits Kenya down to discuss their relationship and all the ways Kenya has done him wrong.  She ain’t havin’ it and walks out, but production is quick on their feet and they chase them out into the stairwell.  Matt becomes unhinged and tells her she will be single and miserable and he’ll be in jail.  He brings up some sort of illicit friends with benefits breakup sex, which allegedly took place in his truck, but she doesn’t really acknowledge it.  He has a complete breakdown, which is difficult to watch.  She finally tells him that she is sorry she hurt him, but they are over.  I cannot even begin to unpack what is going on here, but they need to wagon him off in the rejection SUV, equipped with the Bravo psychotherapist and some sedatives!

kenya comfort matt

Next week, Frick and Frack have a pajama party for Phaedra’s birthday, the OLG restaurant is open for friends and family bidness, and will the future Mrs. Nida please stand up?!?!

Kiss and Tell

Phaedra and Kenya hit the tennis court, thinkin’ they Venus and Serena Williams.  Kenya is so pleased at their “ever-growing friendship”, but little does she realize they are about to hit some growing pains.  We know they donkey booty HAM on each other by the end of the hour.  Phaedra missed the “leggings are not pants” memo and she looks like Hello Kitty and Sesame Street had a rough night and spewed hangover vomit all over her.  Her camera interview top is hideous as well, she looks like your grandmother’s couch from the neck down.

Phaedra pants

Frikkin’ Cynthia decides to bring Papa Smurf room service and a bedazzled Bible for his birthday.  As they sit, gazing into each other’s eyes over a plate of artichoke and spinach dip, Papa Smurf admits he almost made a booty call to her last night.  Cynthia reminds us again that she would’ve been tempted, because they had no issues in that particular area.  Peter produces a friendship contract and asks her to check the box on where they stand – together, not together, dating other people, or clinging to scraps.  They both feel as if they have failed, Peter wants her back, but Cynthia has concluded she is not the marrying kind.  He leaves his door open and informs her he will not be changing his cell number.

Mini-Todd Tucker has planned a special birthday party for Papa Smurf, and he decides that instead of a pig roast, they will roast Peter.  This is the worst idea in the history of ever.  Frick and Frack roll up in their dresses slit up to the “cootie coo”, Bob Crazy Eyes trails in behind them without SBS.  After SBS shows up, everyone bombards her with questions, but she won’t be discussing anything further with the men around.  THIS MEANS YOU, CRAZY EYES!

Todd kicks off the roast, Phaedra can’t wait to dig in on Uncle Ben and serve him his ass on a platter with a “side of special rice.”  Kandi and her camel toe make some horrid jokes and the rest of the gang also fail miserably.  Most of the jokes are about being older than dirt and broke AF.  Cynthia can’t bring herself to say anything worthwhile, other than how Peter is such a champ at brushing his teeth?  What in the fresh hell is this?  SBS doesn’t see the need for a roast, Peter looks pretty well done already!  SBS FTW!

For the last day in Hawaii, the gang hops on a catamaran for a sunset cruise.  While everyone is out on the deck viewing the sunset, Bob and SBS sit down for a heart to heart talk.  Bob apologizes for whatever he said that ticked her off, which means he still sees nothing wrong with his behavior.  He just mad ‘cuz she walked out on him at the jewelry store.  SBS explains how they never discussed the things that went on in their past, him abruptly leaving when the kids were small and not calling for six months, not paying the mortgage, cutting off her credit cards, joking about murdering her, y’know just a few minor mishaps like that.  OY VEY!  This boy has been hit in the head too many times.  He has no ability to show remorse and then flips out on her.  SBS goes into the way, way, way, ugly, ugly, ugly cry and he continues to act like he didn’t do anything wrong.  Your goose is cooked, Bob.  You will never secure a place at Chateau by Shereé.  Meanwhile, on the upper deck, Cynthia gets her hair tangled in a small fan powered by her iPhone.  JESUS.  TAKE.  THE.  WHEEL!

SBS ugly cry

Kenya announces that she has a surprise for the ladies after they get back to the resort, which is an “I do, I did, I’m done, divorce party”.  We flash back to seven years ago, when SBS held her own divorce party complete with her 50 foot-tall self-portrait, which proves these events never go out of style!  Cynthia walks in and the theme immediately give her a case of the sads.  Phaedra walks in and announces she is sick to her stomach.  No girl, your spanx are too tight!  Turns out that “cackling like hyenas, kissing cartoon penises, and mocking the sanctity of marriage” aren’t received well by Cynthia and Counselor Parks!  Phaedra exits stage left in search of a ginger ale for her upset stomach.  After they are done playing “kiss the penis on the wall”, Porsha gets a text from Phaedra – “I’m good, but appalled that they would think the breakup of a family is a cause for celebration and with the host being the triflin’ woman who was texting my husband, disgusting and disgraceful.”

We flash back to two years ago, when Apollo admitted he lied and Kenya and Phaedra wiped Kenya Moore Whore’s slate clean.  But according to Phaedra, the slate has been dirtied up again.  Phaedra is gulping down her ginger ale, clutching her bosom, sticking to her story about eating some bad Mahi.  Porsha waddles in with her half-drank jug o’ Hennesey.  I have to give it to Porsha tonight, line of the episode – “first of all, what the hell, you done left me in the room, kissin’ dicks on the wall!”  Once you have waddled around a Four Seasons resort, with a half-empty jug o’ Hennesey, uttering those words – CHILE…it may be time to re-evaluate your life!

Kiss wall

Kenya shows up at the door, Porsha thinks it’s room service bearing her pineapple juice, “but an actual pineapple showed up”, meaning Kenya in her bright yellow dress, wearing her “I’m ready to confront” face of doom.  Phaedra feels the party was tacky and given that Kenya played a contentious part in the marriage, it was “a whole ‘nother level of skanky.”  Oh Counselor Parks, how quickly we forget that your no good, deadbeat, huzzzband admitted he lied.  ROLL.  THE.  EFFIN’.  TAPE!  There are not enough prayer circles, Thelma & Louise convertible car moments, and s’mores over the campfire, to save this budding friendship now.  Kenya tries to talk it out, but Phaedra ain’t havin’ it… and nothing says get the hell out of my room like a ginger ale burp to the face.

Kenya - confront

Meanwhile, back at the un-married party, the women cut up the divorce cake and of course, Porsha is happy to take two pieces back to Phaedra’s room.  Hey, you don’t get to dis the party, send hateful texts, and then have your cake and eat it too!  The men show up and break the tension for a while.  At the end of the day, Kandi gives the Hawaii trip five stars, with the highlight being Porsha admitting she is a liar.

Next time, Porsha presents Todd with a Baby-Nup Agreement, Kandi’s former assistant is still pursuing a lawsuit with Counselor Parks at his side, and Matt and Kenya go at it again in a stairwell.