Downward Dawg

Melissa preps for grand opening of Envy, steps in dog poop, tracks into shop, wipes on low-rent Carrie Bradshaw’s tutu.  Gay assistant not sure what to do.  Jazz hands aflutter.  Back at Gorga home, inmates running the asylum.  Dog wearing British flag coat?  Joe self-admitted cave man, can’t find his way out of parenting paper bag.  Watching his own children for two hours, not in “Marriage Contract of Oppression” – not to be confused with Cynthia Bailey “Friendship Contract of Doom”.  Children being especially rambunctious, producers have plied them with pixie sticks and red bull.  Gorga spawn giving us full-blown, petal to the metal, nitro-burnin’ Milania!  Joe caves, calls Melissa, begging ensues.  “You’re dealing with clothes!”  Melisa match point – “Man up and figure it out!”

Gorga Kids

Across town, Tre headed to studio to record audio book.  Chats with lawyer, Google alerts!  Juicy Joe Mucinex slug is cheating bastard.  Nonsense, nonsense.  What is not nonsense?  Tre has paid restitution in full.  First step toward her independence…you watch.  She will ditch that slug of a husband by season 12.  Tre becomes emotional reading the dedication, can’t move past page vii.  Never mind emotions, smoking sound editing equipment due to mis-pronunciations!  CAN’T.  RECOGNIZE.  WORDS.  Tre faced with selecting book cover photo, reflects on her bad hair in a pick taken after removing prison “corn rolls”.  Tre reflects, prison doubles as marriage strengthener.  Juicy Joe showing more Mucinex slug style appreciation.  Book cover revealed, housewife to inmate, and back again.  Next stop, divorce book tour.

Downshift to Siggy squeaking, meets Jacs to stress eat French fries and drink wine.  Siggy issues, 13-year-old daughter selecting clothing from infant section, son covered in hickeys.  Upshift to Tre, Siggy likes Tre, talks without thinking.  Yea, all carnival fun-n-games until Tre eats your new face lift off.  Siggy rock climb date, plans to confront Tre on tabloid cheating rumors.  Jacs scary face, warns – ABORT – DO NOT ASK ABOUT TABLOIDS!

Later, Siggy confronts Tre about rumors, Tre handles like champ on surface, seething cauldron of psychosis bubbling underneath.  Knows Jacs is behind this.  Siggy offers her “relationship expertise”, here’s my card, I’m closed on Wednesdays.

Dolores’ daughter washing guinea pig in the good Tupperware in the living room.  She is in veterinary school, hence her love of bathing animals in containers to later be used for leftover lasagna.

Jacs and Chris at foreclosing McMansion.  Learn of new bidness venture, Little Kernel, GMO and gluten free popcorn for special needs children.  About as viable a market as alarming black water.  Jacs isn’t in it for the money, must push though, need butt lift.

Night of Envy party, atomic contouring, Spanx screaming.  Everyone exchanging pleasantries, Ass-lee calls out Tre 2.0 – it’s a joke, a fake, will the real Tre Goo-Boo-Chay please stand up?

Joe Gorga breaks ice by modeling red cut out dress.  All he achieves is casting high level of awkwardness over crowd and his lactating moobs destroy dress fabric.

Chris and Jacs elude to “get together” with Tre and Juicy Joe, smoke, drink, get foolish.  Tre can’t drink until February, li’l convict ankle monitor will spontaneously combust.  She may lose leg.

Moment we’ve all been waiting for.  Milania finally relieved of manscaping duty!  Flashback of Milania working the three speed back shaver, tells father, “you smell like raw cookie dough.”  I guess that’s better than smelling like taco grease and ass cheese.

Toenails

Tre assumes prison bitch pose and requests Juicy “DO YOGA”.  Juicy Joe assumes unsavory convict pose.  Flashback, Juicy Joe flexible as silicone oven mitt.  Tre hints cheating is not tolerated as she fastens her protective eyewear, cuts his toenails down to the quick, drawing blood.  Juicy upper lip sweating, snorting, grunting, saved by the bell.  Chris calls to invite them for dinner as long as it’s within the allowable traveling perimeter of Tre’s li’l convict ankle monitor.

Joe Yoga

Two weeks, the inevitable Tre and Jacs showdown.

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You Do the Time

Sorry I am so late this week, my actual job was a real bey-otch on wheels and delayed my RHNJ recappin’!  Since this is now old news, I will do a mini-cap:

Jacs crying, Dolores comforting, Tre new lexus getting.

Tre bed, bath, and beyond a hot mess.  Waxing Milania’s eyebrows.  Gotta look good for Holiday pics to be sold exclusively to People Magazine rags.  Tre flat beyotch broke, bidnesses in da’ crapper, gotta pay da’ billz.

Juicy Joe idiot.  Thinks Christmas is celebration of Jesus’ resurrection.  Flames shoot down from skylight, set his tank top and back hair on fire.

Tre follow Melissa into kitchen where knives are kept.  Tre no change one bit.  Tre dragging up painful Christening memory.  Tre stranded on Gilligan’s Island?  Melissa think Tre should have shut down rumors about her like illegal day care.  Argue, screech, pinky swear, hug it out, got your back…for now.

Tre Melissa Kitchen

Dolores in therapy, bad luck with cheating men, she is detective by nature, apparently Dolores did not sign HIPAA form at reception desk.

Jacs too many espressos, Ass-lee puffy face like her mom.  Moving out, Jacs recklessly loud when she gives Chris monthly sexy time.  Ass-lee, Pete, and her cold shoulder sweater have their own needs that cannot be fulfilled in the foreclosing McMansion.

Melissa’s boutique taking too long, Joe irritated with part-time wife status, Joe turning into Mr. Mom and he has begun lactating.  Ummm….EWW!

Tre had to cut own toenails in prison, received ingrown toenail, hurt worse than child birth.  But she didn’t let the time do her, she did the time!  Tre invites Dolores for New Year, Dolores wants to have “girls’ dinner”, invite Jacs, stage set for Tre/Jacs face off at another Bravo mandated dinner from hell.

Jacs hosts sad reject party for the non 36 people invited to Tre’s.  Jacs sporting serious camel toe in pleather pants looking like stuffed sausage, nasty yeast infection of epic proportion ensues.  Rest assured Ass-lee, your step father won’t be getting any loud action for the next 4 – 6 weeks.

G to the ia wants to go out with friends for New Year’s Eve after being catapulted into adulthood.  Girl wants to cut loose.  Her drunk Juicy Joe father doesn’t care and wants the “little fathead” home by midnight.  Dolores must make getaway as well, invited to two parties, what to do?  I know, have hostess of Bumpin’ Party A call hostess of Reject Party B and have incredibly awkward speaker phone conversation.  Cousin Rosie hears convo on speaker phone, Rosie spurned.  Rosie slosh her bourbon all over floor while making resolution to be the biggest beyotch on wheels in 2017.  GO ROSIE!

Jacs reject party

Shout out here to Jacs’ friends, Herman and Mina.  Two sit quietly in the corner wondering what the hell this camera crew is doing around them.

Dolores arrives Jacs’ reject party.  Ponders returning “Li’l Snooki Bump-It Kit” to QVC.

Dolores torn

G to the ia gets home by 12:15 a.m.  Juicy Joe level of intoxication = sobbing mess.  G to the ia cries in her grandmothers arms at the thought of the year ahead.  This gives me a case of the sads.

Next week… Dolores birthday party, Melissa mother f*ckin’ Gorga comes out to play, Jacs pulls a “pop in” on Tre with two hot, steaming Starbucks in her hands.

Clink Clink

Those aren’t Fabellini glasses clinking, that is the sound of shackles around Teresa Goo-boo-chay’s ankles so she won’t run off set and hole up in the Bravo intern bathroom during this GAWD-Awful reunion show.  Let’s sift through only the lowlights so our heads don’t explode.

Fambly Feud

Dina’s return to the show was based on the departure of Caroline and Jacs, specifically Jacs, who Dina labels as “toxic”.  After Teresa flipped the table in season one, like the incredible hulk, Dina said good riddance.  Today, Tre-Hulk is much more calm now that her days in the free world are numbered.  Dina still hasn’t filed for divorce, since Tommy is the “only plumber” she knows, he has been “cleaning her pipes”.  WTMI.

Dina notes she will gladly reconcile with her brother and sister, but she will love Jacs from a different zip code.  Tre sarcastically and quite condescendingly applauds OHAC for admitting the show causes tension among the cast mates.  OHAC quickly reminds her that participation in vile, petty feuding on national television with fambly members is strictly voluntary.  I guess Tre forgets where her freakin bread is buttered.  Won’t matter, commissary doesn’t take Bravo Bucks.

Sidebar:  Dina should fire her stylist ASAP for putting that heinous necklace on her.  But her hairstylist gets points for the bangin’ side braid.

Dina-Necklace

Delusion Fusion

Tre doesn’t believe she has ever “hit below the belt” during her entire stint on the show.  The Non-Dynanic Duo belt out a hearty, simultaneous laugh, while Melissa is biting her tongue so hard she may need a paramedic.

“The Cancer” and “The Nose Job”

Amber Alert is allowed to have the floor and her only regret is “crying too much”.  The playing of the cancer card is addressed, but Amber claims she wanted to use the show as a platform to raise awareness.  The Non-Dynamic Duo bash Amber for saying “The Cancer” and they accuse her of having a nose job.  Amber Alert will use her articles of speech however she wants, damn it, and she denies the nose job.

Jersey-Isms

Rosie and Kathy join the floor and discuss the dictionary gag gift they gave Tre.  Everyone has a collective laugh and we are treated to a montage of Jersey-isms:

  • Boobdoir = Boudoir
  • Skoowers = Skewers
  • Lopter = Lobster
  • Vigerator = Refrigerator
  • Calmaradity = Camraderie
  • Cold soldiers = Cold shoulder
  • You should be a cannibal for your actions = You should be accountable for your actions
  • Myrant = this one is actually functional: midget + tyrant = MYRANT!
  • Jigged myself = Jinxed myself

Penny For Your Thoughts

A clip is shown of Kathy’s mother saying that “when you do the wrong thing, mistakes catch up to you”.  Tre makes a dramatic exit and pulls a Bobby by locking herself in the bathroom.  She is still miced and the audio confirms that she has the attention span of a gnat, “you have a mint, gum?  OHHHHH a penny!”

Tre-NeedBreak

Sibling Support

Joe and Juicy join the stage, but Juice man is clearly numb and in shock.  Joe Gorga takes the floor “It’s so hard for me, because it’s my sister.  Whatever.”  Wiser words have never been spoken.

Warning:  Felonious Behavior May Really F*ck Up Your Day

When it rains it pours, while the Goo-Boo-Chay fambly bond is stronger than ever, they are not immune to tragedies in large, successive, quantities.  We all know Juicy’s father had a heart attack and passed away suddenly.  Tre admits that her chubby hubby has been wandering around in a daze, drinking heavily.  And this is different from his previous behavior, how exactly?

MuinexSlug

In addition, all the legal troubles have impaired Tre’s bidness, retailers will simply not tolerate this felon trying to peddle her wares, hence she makes no money.  As if that weren’t bad enough, Tre was too dense to understand that her plea deal included prison time and she was completely blindsided.  Her doctor must have her on some low-grade beaver tranquilizer, the poor thing didn’t even understand Ter-ess-uh’s “clink clink” handcuff gesture.  Look at the bright side Tre, you are going to hang out with the Orange is the New Black Beyotches.  They make prison look fun!

Let’s Talk About Bawwwby

Bawby is apparently a trust fund baby, which confirms that Nicole is not only wearing gold lame, but she is a “gold digga”.  Is that anything like a “soul digga”, like the men who helped Melissa pretend to be a singer?  I digress… Bawby’s sexual preference was called into question over the scene where he frolicked on the beach with a very muscular and agile Joe Gorga and even performed CPR on him.  Bobby never dignifies the question with an answer, but doesn’t deny it either.  Jim and Amber Alert are being too loud an distracting and they get of the topic of Bawby’s possible homosexuality.  Jim whips out a folder of evidence and screams “Fame Whore” across the set, while holding up several pictures of Bawby posing with various housewives.  Amber Alert claims he was only hanging on with Nicole to see if she would be signed to the show so he can get his 7 minutes of fame.

FameWhore

Asshole Problem

Jim is an asshole, Amber Alert affectionately calls him “scorched Earth”, and Dina labels Jim as “mangina”, since calling him “whale vagina” is insulting to women and whale’s everywhere.  Jim brags how he made $8.5 million last year and Melissa whips out her Lawyering License and advises him to refrain from discussing his gross income from all sources on the show.  Wake up and smell the indictment!  Jim is yelling at Tre and li’l Joey Gorga has a flashback to his childhood, “don’t talk to my sister that way, she’s my sister, she threw my toys out the window!”  Uh, that’s another show entirely.  “Don’t talk that way, women box women, men box wen.  Uh menin, you know what I mean!”  No Joe, we don’t.  What is “menin”?  Isn’t that a 1987 jingle for Mennin speed stick deodorant?  Jim is a hot ass mess, he claims he is getting “hate faxes”…ummm who faxes anything anymore?  I’m sure Joe Gorga will offer you a discount on shredding those hate faxes.

Santarinogate – The Gift That Keeps On Giving Like Long-Lasting Spray Tan

OHAC prefaces the Santarinogate segment by assuring everyone on the stage that they will all be heard.  In other words, shut the f*ck up!  Jim repeated the Santarinogate rumor because he was hammered and thought it was hilarious, he only repeated it “as a joke” and he didn’t expect the twins to “go all Chernobyl”.  This guy has a sick sense of humor.  Ter-ess-uh has the floor and regardless that all men are pigs, she knows that her precious Rino would never have inappropriate relations with her mother.  Let’s bring out that crypt keeper, Victoria Gotti, to set the record straight!  Seriously, now that would have been epic.

The men get into the rumor mill a bit more and Jim bashes on Rino for hiding in his own vacation home two miles away from the Florida meltdown vacation rental from hell and he bashes Bawby for hiding in the bathroom.  Bawby states he was simply walking away from “The Marchese Spin Machine”.  Bawby owns a condo he rents to a female tenant, and Jim spun that as Bawby having a “kept woman”.

Bawby apologizes to Nicole for calling her “stupid”, but he clarified that he was calling her stupid for taking the bait from Jim.  Okay Bawby, we get it, so you weren’t “a bitch” when you hid in the bathroom, you were just “acting like a bitch”.  Whatever helps you sleep at night, dude.

Issues

Jim also apologizes to the twins and then calls Dina out for perpetuating the rumor on camera.  Jim, have you learned nothing, Dina will cut your eyes out and serve them on a cheese platter.

What Have We Learned, if Anything?

Ter-ess-uh learned that alcohol and cameras don’t mix.  Nicole learned to keep it real.  Amber Alert wouldn’t cry so much and would keep Jim off Twitter.  Melissa is learning to see the big picture.  Dina learned once you walk away from something remember why you did.  Tre apologizes to her fans for letting them down and she’s going to make herself a better person.  Tre admits that she regrets 80% of the show.

OHAC takes Tre’s delicate, tiny hands, which are about to be subjected to shackles and germy prison showers.  Tre thinks this is her last show and they get emotional for a moment.  After all Tre made reality TV history with her table flip and criminal behavior.  OHAC wishes her the best… annnd scene, Girl, BYE!  As Cynthia from the ATL would say – “This was a waste of an outfit and a wig!”

OHAC-ShakeHand

Best quote of this trifecta shit show goes do Dina:  “This show is so f*cked up!”  Yes, yes it is!

It’s the end of an era, so how long before Bravo gives Tre a spinoff show about her time in prison?

Lady Bug Out

This season finale has been about as disenchanting as a flat glass of Fabellini.  Since we have already heard about the sentencing handed down to Juicy and Tre, I will just be hitting a few of the low-lights:

Melissa and Tre get together, this is not important, but what is important is the gymnastic mat that Antonia and Milania have placed on the marble floor so they can do flips.  This mat brought back so many good memories, like when a hammered Juicy attempted drunken tumbling on said gymnastic mat, but completely missed the mark and ended up busting his face.  In case you missed it, see my post “Oh Joe He Di’int!”:  https://realityweecap.wordpress.com/2011/08/31/oh-joe-he-di%E2%80%99int/

Joe-face plant

That’s what two…tree…four bottles of wine will do to ya’!

The Non –Dynamic Duo and Dina arrive at Abbey’s Farm where they will hold the Ladybug event.  This house belongs to a friend of the twins, Abbey, and it is like a resort and is Bed, Bath, and Beyond fabulous.  Why she is consenting to allow a bunch of psychotic, bat-shit crazy skanks to bring their weaves all up in da’ joint is beyond me.  Dina will not tolerate any negative or nasty at her charity event, which may greatly diminish the guest list.  Dina has provided security with a photo of Crypt Keeper, Victoria Gotti, and she will not be permitted past the moat.  If anyone starts any shit, they will end up like those two sad sacks, Kathy and Jacs… all puffed up from eating sugary treats while sobbing and clamoring for camera time.

Ter-ess-uh gives the camera a one-on-one interview that will surely send her straight to hell.  She believes that Tre and Juicy’s sentencing and demise of their fambly is a direct result of karma and she taps her wrists together and says “clink clink!”  Now Ter-ess-uh, how dumb are you?  Is that good Karma?

Amber Alert was growing her hair out for five years after she lost it all due to chemotherapy.  She is finally getting it cut off and donating the hair.  Her daughter can’t handle it and is having a major meltdown.  Amber Alert later admits that she hopes the twins won’t recognize her with shorter hair.  Well played, Amber Alert, well played!

Amber-Haircut

Joe is pretending to break ground on his vacant lot where he plans to build his fake house.  Melissa pretends she is JLo and does the poor white woman’s version of the cabbage patch dance on the vacant lot.

Dina is setting up for the Ladybug event and she has enough candy to kill the four Great Danes who live on Abbey’s Farms.  Tre shows up for hair and makeup and does her due diligence (for once in her life) and she is sure to forewarn Dina that if the twins start shit, it’s on them.

Dina-Candy

The Non-Dynamic Duo is already getting fired up for a brawl during their car ride to the event.  Their father, Sal, describes anger as “disappointed love”.  Angry people don’t give or get love in their lives, that’s why Tre is a bitter ol’ skank.

Despite the pre-charity event wind up, the Ladybug fashion show actually comes off without incident.  Antonia and Milania are too cute working the catwalk.  Amber Alert takes Rino aside to discuss the elephant thong in the room, but Rino handles it diplomatically and makes it clear that he doesn’t agree with Jim pretending to be a housewife and shouldn’t be talking to women the way he does.  The talk amicably annnnnd SCENE!

Across the room, the non-dynamic duo has a meeting of the mind and they decide now is the time to confront Tre.  Bobby warns them not to expect an apology, and they charge in.  Tre tries to clarify what was said between she and Crypt Keeper Gotti and she reiterates that Rino started the rumor about he and Santa.  Nicole jumps in and calls Tre stupid, which is one of Tre’s hot buttons and Dina is ready for Tre to “flip a bitch”.  Someone get security on that candy table…STAT!  Tre tries to explain why she repeated the rumor to Dina and they end up agreeing to discuss things directly to each other going forward, and they hug it out.  WHERE IS THE MEOW DOWN!  I want to see weaves flying, drinks being thrown in botoxed faces, and Lee press on nails landing in the candy buffet!

Twins-Confront

We flash forward to October 2, 2014 and Juicy is sentenced to 41 months in jail and possible deportation.  Teresa will serve 15 months.  From what I understand, they will stagger the sentences so that the children will be cared for by at least one parent.

The Laurita’s and Wakile’s are gathered together and receive the news.  A few breakdowns and some shocked reactions.  Rosie reads a prayer from her “God, we are in deep shit” app on her smart phone, and this finishes the rather somber and lackluster season finale.

Wakiles-Sad

See you at the reunion, parts one through eighteen!

No Apologies

We start this week with the B-string cast members, the Laurita’s, Wakile’s, and Rosie, who are getting together to have cannoli and (according to Richie), play “Shack, Marry, Kill”.  Oy!  Kathy has invited the Non-Dynamic Duo over to fully integrate them into the hot ass mess.  Nicole already has Jacs labeled as a trouble maker and Richie and Chris interrogate Bobby to get the lowdown.  Bobby tells the boys that he and Nicole met at Dunkin’ Donuts and he can’t envision dunkin’ his donut in his butter pecan latte without Nicole by his side.  Richie also clarifies the difference between twin Ter-esss-uh, not “Fabellini” Teresa, who Richie calls “felonini”.  Score line of the night for Richie.

Meanwhile, the girls chat and discuss the ill-fated Florida trip and Nicole has no qualms exposing the rumor that was the highlight of the feuding.  I guess it’s okay to perpetuate your own rumor.  Jacs practically chokes on her boxed wine, which she is drinking through a straw.  Keepin’ it klassy, Jacs.  Rosie would have gone prison orange coo-coo pants by now if this rumor was said about her mother, and since the B-cast is too terrified to take on the likes of Victoria Gotti, they all nominate Tree for the dog house because she repeated the rumor.

Kathy-Jacs

Melissa and Amber Alert meet to check in and discuss Jim’s horrific douche-bag behavior and Melissa encourages her to discuss the situation with the twins at the upcoming, and also to be ill-fated, Ladybug charity event.  The only good thing about this charity event is that it signifies the end of the season, there is always the Bravo mandated “confrontation at a fashion-show, charity ball, social event” finale.

Later, the Non-Dynamic Duo go shopping for dresses to wear to the Ladybug Event and they try on some trashy dresses that look like they were made by “Project Runway” rejects during the Fredrick’s of Hollywood Challenge.  Ter-esss-uh is planning a “tasting party” and she plans to invite everyone except Amber Alert and Tre, so what better way to handle this than to call Melissa while she is at a spa day with the bot’ of dem.

Twins-Dresses

At the spa, Dina makes it crystal effing clear that she wants all the differences put aside so her Ladybug event is without incident.  Melissa takes the call from Ter-esss-uh and of course has her on speaker.  When Tre and Amber alert over hear that they are persona non grata at Ter-ess-uh’s tasting party, they crack up and pretend to be sad.  Dina vows to Tre that she will not allow anyone to talk bad about her at the tasting party, which sets these two up for a rift that will surely carry on into season 12.

Spa Day

Later, Amber Alert is getting naked at a horse stable to do a photo shoot to commemorate her breast cancer.  Jim looks on like a proud perv and after they are done, he walks outside and he is so bereft, he actually has to take a knee.  Jim later takes Amber Alert, wearing her best white eyeliner, to an art gallery for a romantic dinner and to view all of her cancer photos on display, on display, on display.  They talk about cancer, life is short, I don’t want you hanging out with those women, WHY ARE THESE TWO SKID MARKS ON THE UNDERPATNS OF SOCIETY ON THIS SHOW?

Amber-Posing

Tre and G to the ia go out to get pedicures and Tre talks about birth control and then tells G to the ia that she “had something taken out today”, which must mean an IUD.  That is all Tre needs is to pull the damn goalie and get pregnant before she is shipped off to prison camp.  She may not even have to worry about who will care for G to the ia because the poor kid is about to die of embarrassment.

It’s the night of Ter-esss-uh’s tasting party and Melissa takes the opportunity to confirm that everything is copacetic because she wants to bring Antonia to the Ladybug event and will not tolerate a bunch of hags fighting like cats in a pillowcase in front of her daughter.  They sort it out and come up with an outstanding solution that will happen when miniature, disabled, pot-bellied pigs fly out of Dina’s ass.  The twins want an apology from Tre for perpetuating the Santarinogate rumor and Dina volunteers to spearhead that effort.

In other news, Nicole and Bobby go to look at a huge southern style plantation mansion that Nicole thinks she is going to buy for herself.  Bobby anticipates getting engaged within the next year, so I am not sure why she would buy a house listed at $899,000 with royal blue shag carpet.  This is just annoying filler and we all know there is no way Nicole is even serious about buying this house.  We all know she wants to get engaged to Bobby, move in with him, and register at Bed, Bath, and Beyond a hot mess and Dunkin’ Donuts.

Dina sits down to meet with Melissa and Tre and she informs them that she got a nasty text from Amber Alert and she and Jim won’t have anything to do with the Ladybug event.  Dina is wary because she has only sold 105 tickets and now that Jim and Amber Alert are boycotting the event, they will not be inviting all of their imaginary friends.  Tre has come to the table bearing Ladybug sprinkle cookies and Melissa and Dina request that Tre apologize to the Non-Dynamic Duo for repeating the Santarinogate rumor.  I swear if Tre were “no longer a hot-tempered Italian” who “will not be provoked”, she would have flipped that Ikea kitchen table right through the ceiling, destroying Dina’s beloved shoe collection.

Tre-NotSorry

Tre turns the attack on Dina, who felt the need to repeat the rumor to the twin twits in the first place.  WORD!  Tre refuses to make any kind of regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure, as if this is a shocker?  Tre has enough drama in her life and she is appalled that the twins would even ask for an apology.  This sets up the drama for next week at the long anticipated Ladybug event where Tre may snap like Mike Tyson at a spelling bee.  Brace for impact…

Never Ending Journey

Let’s put this never ending fight to bed, shall we!?!?!  Where we left off, Bobby finally emerged from the bathroom and he is confronting Jim in classic Jersey style by shouting, clapping, and serenading them from the top of the staircase shortly before retreating to the bathroom again.  I swear he must be up there cutting lines like a handicapped kid at Disney world.  With the twins left on their own to fight this battle through their drunken hysteria, it’s about to get turnt up in here.  Ter-ess-uh is going crack house rat crazy and we see Nicole mouth the words “let’s go”…funny, I never pegged Nicole as the calm, sensible one.  Amber Alert is pissed at Jim and Melissa won’t be left out, she is the new and improved voice of reason.  Ter-ess-uh decides to have a smoke and Amber Alert joins her.  She flips her hair like a pro and lights up that Virginia Slim, F*CK YOU CANCER, F*CK YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE!  Dina says that Jim definitely has a vagina and tells Amber Alert, “I’m sorry you’re married to a dick.”  So, does that make Jim a hermaphrodite?  Ugh…Ter-ess-uh states that Jim is a perfect example of a Napoleon complex and Jim retorts with “you’re a perfect example of an uneducated dumb f*ck.”  Keep it klassy Jimbo!

Amber smoking

Then, as if he were hatched fresh from a boil on Satan’s anus, Jim starts yelling about Rino and his escapades, including trying to bang local crypt keeper, Victoria Gotti, dating a rusty or Russian stripper, and then he drops the mutha of all bombs… “I think he f*cked your mom!”  Joe rushes Jim off to bed to extract him from what has become an out of control shit show.  Amber Alert follows and she is clearly tore up from the floor up.  Nothing good can come from this, it will only end in tears, this situation is FRAUGHT WITH PERIL!

Alec_Baldwin_Fraught

Dina tells Ter-ess-uh that this talk of Rino and Santa was the rumor that she was speaking about and the non-dynamic duo flies off their broom handle.  They are horrified that everyone has been gossiping about this the whole time and Dina has had enough of this nutbaggery, she looks at the camera, Dina Manzo is DUNZO!  Melissa suggests, in the interest of Zen, they all sleep it off on it.

The next morning in Florida, Jim should be hiding under the bed, but he is in the kitchen whipping up breakfast as if nothing has happened.  Ter-ess-uh is packing her shit and plans to head over to her vacation home to meet Rino, which is five minutes away.  Why didn’t she go sooner?  Melissa is so furious that she must rub oil all over her body and get some sun.  Amber Alert is hunched over her breakfast like a hungover skag and when the conversation inevitably turns to the ugly events of the evening prior, Jim’s response is that it was all in good fun.  Melissa is stunned and leave it to Dina to put the kibosh on all this, after all it is severely f*cking with her Zen.  Dina emerges, looking fabulous in her jammy pants, and confronts Jim and Amber Alert, “you’re sittin’ there in your bikini and your gold jewelry like it’s no big deal, get up, pack your bags, and go!”  Dayum!  Amber Alert is reduced to tears again and she seems to forget that everyone else was perfectly fine in Florida before she and her dick vagina husband arrived.  Joe makes a drink and a toast, “the poison has left the building!”

Dina-pack and go

Meanwhile back in Jersey, a small puppy is suffering from shaken baby syndrome.  Milania is trying to burp the puppy like it’s a baby and I’m surprised the thing hasn’t bitten her ear off yet.  The fambly is having breakfast in the kitchen when Juicy announces that he and Tre have decided to forgo their separate rooms and will be spending the night as a couple in the fantasy suite.  Wait, wrong show… Tre and Juicy will have a “date night” to keep the fambly “on a float… no wait, on a flow” says Tre.  Because what better way to spend their fleeting moments with their children then to dump them off at Nana and Papa’s?

The jailbirds spend the night at The Carlton hotel and enjoy a plate of oysters, which Juicy likens to “a sloppy va-jay-jay”.  Really.  Appetizing.  Juicy figures dat he and da mizzuz have been working so hard defrauding banks, they deserve it and whatever, y’know.  We are treated to a flashback photo of Tre and Joe from the good ol’ days when they were just engaging in petty theft.  Tre has a huge head and a super skinny body, she looks like a walkin’ candy apple.  Juicy delivers a lovely toast to his “bitch wife”… “to our girls, our health, and for being the luckiest guy in the world, because I’m married to you.”  And you’re going down with me, 15 months in the pokey, you stupid skank of epic proportion.  I hear orange is the new leopard!

Tre-Joe-Night_out

We have a brief moment with Jacs and Kathy, I’m not sure why because nobody cares about these two, who are clearly clinging for dear life for their spots on this train wreck.  Jacs is like a damn dog with a bone, she talks about reaching out to Tre again and getting an abrupt, short response and Kathy advises she let it go and move on.  Later, Jacs shares a “date night” of her own.  She and hubby stay at home because they are trying to live within their means.  What a novel concept!  Chris tells her that as far as the Juicy and Tre situation goes, the writing is on the wall.  Now let’s get busy cooking dinner, so we can go get busy!

Back in Boca, what is left of the group boards a yacht called the “Never Ending Journey”, how apropos.  The gang is having a great day in the hot tub, knockin’ ‘em back and Bobby is trying to keep up, drink for drink, with Joe.  Dina is being a little bit of a shit-stirring diva and tells Nicole that Bobby should have been by Nicole’s side throughout the melee the night before and not hiding in the bathroom like the little bitch that he is.  Dina doesn’t think Bobby is in it to win it and then, suddenly, Bobby and Joe dive into the ocean and start horsing around in the water.  They wash ashore, wrestle in the soft white sand, pretend to perform CPR on each other, then Bobby gently whispers in Joe’s ear “If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.”  It borders the line of unhealthy bromance and could be the reason Bobby hasn’t put a ring on Nicole it.

Bromance

Later that night, a chef has come to the Miami Vice Mansion from Hell to prepare dinner, but Bobby is too hammered to show up.  Nicole took a nap in her bikini, which tells me she was gacked to the nines as well.  Melissa, Joe, and Dina are the only ones who make it to the dinner table and Nicole eventually comes down.  She tries to pass off Bobby’s absence as “food poisoning”.  Yes, too much vodka food.  Ter-ess-uh and Rino stop by to say hello and they all have a good laugh.  Rino thinks that the Santarinogate rumor is so outlandish that it’s hilarious.  Bobby finally drags his way downstairs and I can almost smell him through the television, a hard mix of stale pork rinds and sticky bar room floor.  Joe gives a toast to “friends, happiness, and good people.”  Yes, good people who are not of the mother f*cking variety…

Next week, Jacs and Kathy meet the twins and get in on the dish.  Rosie declares “the whole word mother f*cker has a whole new meaning!” Now that’s something to smoke about!

Rosie Cigarette

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

Gator Junction of Dysfunction

The ladies are still poking around in Boca Raton…they dress up in their finest Jimmy Choo’s so that the gators can see how useful the skins of their former fambly are being put to good use.  Nothing much to see here except that Dina becomes attached to a baby disabled gator that was born without a tail.  Little do the ladies know, the real danger in the water is lurking back at the Miami Vice vacation home of hell fire.

Gators

Back in Jersey, Tre and Juicy discuss the “texteses” that Juice Man received from Chris Laurita.  No matter how many boxes of wine it takes, the Laurita’s are gonna work their way back into the Goo-Boo-Chay friendship of dysfunction.

Kathy and Richie go over the plans for their new house with their general contractor, who happens to be the highlight of the episode.  It’s Kevin Jonas!  Rosie is all like “didn’t you used to sing-n-stuff?”  Hells yea!  Rosie is all in, “let’s get N*SNC-n-Lance Bass in on this sh!t!”  Later we learn over an emotional fambly dinner that Rosie has parted ways with her Bravo mandated girlfriend, Ellen.  She is back on the prowl to find her ride or die bitch, but they just don’t make ‘em like they used to anymore.

Back in Boca, Dina alerts Amber Alert that she knows about Santa-Rinogate.  Meanwhile, Jim is in the living room paying compliments to the Non-Dynamic Duo, but then it turns ugly and he goes after Bobby, basically telling him to “sack up” when it comes to committing to Nicole.  Jim decides to go look for more booze to fuel the drama volcano that is about to erupt like a river of ferocious hot liquid magma.

Melissa and Jim go into the kitchen together so that the Non-Dynamic Duo can set up the next scene.  They are going on and on about Bobby’s commitment phobia and Bobby storms out with Nicole on his heels like a rabid Chihuahua.  He mutters something about “you play into this one more time, I’m leaving”, and then he calls her stupid.  Keep it classy Bawwwby!  It actually sounds like sound-bytes taken out of context and dubbed over the scene to add drama.  He locks himself in the bathroom and hides behind the toilet.  Apparently, he has his vodka soaked tampon on backwards.  Everyone is gathered in the living room and Dina appears to be a stress eater because she has a box of donuts in her lap that she is snarfing down like black tar heroin.  Ter-esss-uh is in full first responder mode and she tries to break down the bathroom door and retrieve Bobby.  Jim continues to trash Bobby and alludes to having information from Bobby about the Non-Dynamic Duo’s fambly.  Amber Alert’s eyes bug out of her head and she tries to shut him up.

Jim-Amber

He won’t let up, so Amber Alert flees the scene and Dina tries to talk her off the ledge.  Amber Alert wants Bobby to come out of hiding, she demands “bring me him!” with all of her dramatic psycho flair.

Dina-Amber

Ter-esss-uh storms at Jim “what is going on!”  I want to know what is going on too, I think the editors must have been suckin’ down some contractually obligated expired Fabellini.  This is a hot mess.   I also want to know what is going on with Melissa’s yellow dress and royal blue shoes.  She must be working on shapes and colors this week.  Anyhoo…Jim reveals that Bobby has been cheating on Nicole for the entire time they have been dating, he’s got some chick stashed away in a secret condo, process that.  Joe tries to take Jim out of the room, he explains that “in a man’s world, Jim is a bitch.”  WORD!  Bobby finally emerges from the bathroom, sweating like a farm animal, and he is ready to throw down with Jim.

Bobby-Fight

Annnnnd we are out of time folks, tune in next week for the possible fight or to see another dragged out shit show.  I guess the Bravo intern hasn’t pumped the cast up with enough vodka to properly execute the fight, and why milk the drama for only two episodes when you can cash in on the drama cow for three?  It’s the Jersey way!

Tainted Chicken

The fight with the men continues as Joe defends Juicy, while Juicy sits in the kitchen pouring scotch down his gullet like a nitrous sucking demon clown.  Melissa hoists up her suspenders on her SQUAT Team body suit and runs outside after Joe out of sheer habit of protecting his spray on hair.  Teresa squeals like a baby piglet and runs out, Amber Alert is yelling at Joe, and Joe demands apology from Jim.  Jim is not one to brawl, he will just threaten to sue you with his non-existent legal prowess.

Joe-Jim Fight

After all the dust settles, the menacing Marchese’s reveal that they left their keys inside, so they walk back inside of the frat party gone wrong.  So much for a dramatic exit.  Nicole is back downstairs, yammering on to anyone who will listen to her “homewrecker” tale of woe.  Nicole cannot believe this fight took place in front of the upper echelon of society who she must face at the post office or, wait for it… the Dunkin’ Donuts!

Jim gets cornered in the living room by the three musketeers and he tries to explain to Tre that he didn’t want to put her fambly in “danger”, by being out drinking with the guys.  Tre, Dina, and Melissa don’t compute, to which Jim says “Is there anyone here with an I.Q. above 12?!?!”  Well, NO!  Of course all the women are offended and Dina notes the “magnitude of his douchebaggery could clean a whale’s vagina”.  What.  The.  Actual.  Fuck.

Three musketeers

Nicole confronts Bobby about the low blow from Amber Alert, “That’s why Bobby won’t marry you!”  Bobby carries Nicole away like a cave man and she tells him if he ever speaks to Amber Alert again, they are done and she flings her hands in his face.  Bobby doesn’t take well to this and tells her to pump her brakes.  There is a definite chink in their armor, but nothing that a few tears, the gun range, and some body glitter won’t fix.

Another day at the Goo-boo-chay house of horrors, Juicy brings the girls out back to show them the chicken coop he has purchased for the fambly, complete with a rooster that will wake them all at 5:00 a.m.  All of the girls, except Milania, are completely grossed out.  Tre is excited about having natural eggs “no steroidis”.  Later, we find out that their dog got loose and mistook the chicken coop for a local “Popeye’s” and ate two chickens, which has traumatized G to the ia.  Juicy, Rosie, and Milania take a ride out to a chicken farm to replace the murdered chickens.  Milania helps farmer load up the new poultry pals, while Rosie has a heart to cold black heart moment with the Juice man.  She is there for him if he ever wants to go have a drink to get his mind off of things, or if it’s Tuesday, or if he is having a bad hair day, or if it’s windy.

Dina is at “Serendipity” in Manhattan and she orders hot water with lemon as she waits for her date, Matt.  After 30 minutes and realizing she may be stood up, she grabs the waiter by his collar and demands a large frozen hot chocolate and French fries.  As she is dipping the fries in the hot chocolate, Matt does show up and claims he got a flat tire.  He must be the only first responder without a cell phone.  I think he was late because he spent too long rolling around in a Dorito pit to achieve his orangey glow.  Matt orders a coffee and they start talking about Dina’s divorce and she reveals she still lives with Tommy.  Matt is unfazed and invites Dina to hot yoga and offers to cook for her.  Dina is not impressed and she hops in a cab as Matt hands the driver some ride money.

Amber Alert and wormy Jim are folding laundry and rehashing the first responders melee.  Bobby stops by to “put Humpty Dumpty back together again”, but it quickly goes south.  Amber Alert offers him a “hotty toddy” (dumbass!) and proceeds to rip into Bobby about how disappointed she is in him.  Bobby flips the script on her and tells her she was out of line by repeating the gossip about his #1 girl and Jim blasts back with some details that Bobby likely wanted to keep private, such as how Bobby complains incessantly about Nicole and how Nicole looks like a mob of rabid outlaws from the Crayola factory gang banged her face.

The Non-Dynamic Duo drops by the Gorga residence of squalor and small closets.  Ter-ess-uh and Antonia demonstrate their gymnastics moves in the kitchen, because the house is so small and all.  (The kitchen is big enough for them to do cartwheels.)  The adults try to re-hash the Amber Alert drama, but Joe chimes in and chalks the Marchese’s behavior up to insecurity and small penises.

Amber Alert has invited Tre and Dina to a spa to make nicey nice and rub bird shit on their faces.  Amber Alert starts to rally the troops by apologizing for her husband’s behavior, but Tre and Dina can only focus on the peanut butter like smelling facial they are receiving.  We find out later that it is “nightingale droppings” and Tre instantly regrets licking her cheeks.  Amber Alert is going for Oscar gold, choking back tears regarding the fall out with Melissa.  Dina points out Melissa is passive aggressive, and Tre jumps right back on board the Melissa bashing express.

Teresa Hair Net

Amber Alert and Melissa are meeting a restaurant that is not empty to have the patented table conversation of death.  Melissa asks her how her head is feeling as a result of the hair pulling, but Amber Alert loses more hair in the shower and equates the Non-Dynamic Duo to “swatting away little gnats.”  Melissa points out that Amber Alert brought the aggression, but Amber Alert, who is dressed like Martha Washington, blames Melissa for repeating the rumor, calling her a “liar, troublemaker, and impostor!”  Melissa tells her she doesn’t trust her and took offense to Jim calling Joe a “fuckin’ dumbass”.  Amber Alert gets into her old timey way back machine and spews back “you are a very tainted woman!”  Looks like Amber Alert is prepared to bring the drama this season, see you next week!

Hair Affair

I must be evolving as a species, because I feel completely bored with this season of RHNJ so far.  The first 45 minutes of this episode is mostly trivial interactions serving to build up to the “First Responder” shindig fallout that we have all been waiting for.

Melissa keeps crashing her Bentley, Joe Gorga claims they have money issues, which he admitted on “Watch What Happens Live” is a ploy for him to try and curb Melissa’s spending.  Good luck with ‘dat.  While they wait for the estimate to repair her bumper, Joe fills her in on the “guys nite out” and calls Jim “Pencil Dick” because he didn’t show up.  Ummm…Joe how would you know the accuracy of that statement, hmmmm?  Joe is ready to rock out with his cock out at the upcoming “First Responder” party and plans to confront Jim about the trash talkin’ he’s been doing.  The phony estimate to repair the Bentley is shown and it’s $7,062.00.  Hell, for that he should just buy her a Prius and be done with it.  Less room for shopping bags and she wouldn’t be caught dead in it.

Across town, Dina is cleaning out her dream closet and I have to say, it’s pretty fabulous.  She and Tommy decided to forgo all the gold and marble in their dream home and invested wisely in a dream closet where Dina now laments her shoe habit and must pare down her collection from 400 pairs to at least 380.  Her assistant is going to have to pry that pair of teal cowboy boots out of her cold dead hands!  Dina realizes that her shoe dilemma is two-fold, she buys shoes to fill the void that she experienced while married to Tommy, but she can’t let go of the shoes because it’s one step closer to separating completely from Tommy.

Tre, Melissa, and the Non-Dynamic Duo meet at a costume shop to find their “First Responder” costumes.  Tre looks like she just returned from a rummage sale at the Neverland Ranch.

Costume Shop

Melissa wants to be a sailor, but Tre is not sure that a sailor is a “first respondsers”.  Hopefully, there will be a real fire fighter at the party because between the hairspray and these costumes made in China, these beyotches are going to be highly flammable.  Melissa asks Nicole for an update on what happened after the twins fled the boutique once the can o’ “homewrecker” beans were spilled.  Melissa fills Tre in on what Jim had said about their fambly, but Tre wants no part of this hot mess express.

Slutty Costumes

Another day at the Goo-boo-chay house of fun, Milania is showing the girls a trick she learned from mommy and she is looting for coins in the couch cushions.  She tells her sisters “stuff your money in your bra!”  Ah the innocence of youth, everyone knows you can’t stuff coins in a bra!  Tre is trying to give Milania a lesson in “using our indoor voice”, but Milania ain’t havin’ it.   Tre talks about how Milania inherited her temper and we are treated to a wonderful trip down memory lane and we see a montage of table flippin’, Andy Cohen rag doll throwin’, venom spewing moments.

Amber Alert and fambly are filming their next commercial and all we learn here is that Jim doesn’t love this job, but is only in it for the skrilla.  His passion is to be a writer and he’s already written three books.  Great, jack of all trades, master of none another aspiring author.

Nicole and Bobby are excited to be throwing their first party together, how appropriate the theme is “first responders”, ugh.  Nicole invited a man to force on Dina, even though Dina has told her she is not ready to date.  Nicole thinks love can blossom anywhere, hell she met Bobby at Dunkin’ Donuts, which makes me wonder what the hell went on at that DD based on Nicole’s love of a good donut.  But alas, Dina’s energy is all wonky, Mars is in retrograde with the seventh circle of hell.

Dina is having trouble selecting an outfit for the party and tells us she is not so good at “ho-ing it up”.  Speaking of hoes…the Gorgas and Goo-boo-chays share a limo en route to the party and Tre can’t figure out Melissa’s costume, “what is a SQUAT team?”  Well Tre, it’s a team that goes #2 competitively, they line up the commodes and squat.  First one to clog the plumbing, wins!  Oy…on to the next thing…the group starts strategizing on how they can collectively attack Jim.  Juicy mumbles something about not giving a shit who he is or what he does, he could work with farm animals for all he cares.  Oooohhh, good burn Juicy, burn…

At the Amber Alert zone, Jim wanted to dress up as himself and be a lawyer, but he settles for wormy cop so that Amber Alert can be a police woman in a pleather cat suit who sets her makeup gun to “third-shift ho”.

Back at the party, Nicole has positioned herself to receive an apology from Nicole, but my magic hate ball says “all signs point to snowball’s chance in HELL”.  Nicole’s friend, Matt, arrives and he is being prepped on meeting Dina.  She is not ready to date, I tell you!  How many times does she need to repeat this?  Dina shows up to the party in her “I don’t give a shit” scrubs, but she actually looks cute.  The script Something tells me that Matt will eat it up.  When Matt does ask Dina for a date, she rejects him and proceeds to review the details of her negative relationship history.  Way.  To.  Go.  Matt persists and Dina finally concedes as she is obligated to under her contract with Bravo.

Dina Scrubs

The party is in full swing down in the rumpus room.  Kathy and Rosie show up, Rosie is dressed in all black and calls herself a sniper.  Kathy is dressed as Steve Urkel for some reason, but she came bearing her cannoli so she is an immediate hit with the Non-Dynamic Duo.

Now the part we have all been waiting for, the storm is a-brewin’.  Amber and Jim arrive at the party and they are all smiles.  Ter-ess-uh gives Amber Alert the cold shoulder and leads her over to Nicole who is on that shit like a hobo on a Lysol infused rag.  Melissa jumps in and asks how this negative stuff got started and Nicole immediately throws her under the bus for starting the drama by repeating Amber’s incendiary comments.

Fight3

Amber Alert summons Melissa and Nicole to get their asses upstairs and she snaps at Nicole.  Nicole takes offense, gets in her face and grabs a handful of Amber Alert weave.  And thank goodness, we haven’t had a good ol’ fashioned hair pullin’ in a few seasons now!

Amber Alert

Amber gets away and then Ter-ess-uh grabs her hair, finally Rosie shoulders her way in and breaks it up.  As Amber Alert backs away from the drama, Ter-ess-uh throws cocktail in her face.  They continue to fight and there is more hair pulling and finally Matt and Jim break it up.  Amber Alert erupts like a river of ferocious magma, she flips what hair she has left, and yells “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I hope you’re happy, Melissa!”

Amber Alert tells the camera that she never said that Nicole wrecked a home, but cut to the video tape…and yup, she said it.  As Amber Alert and Jim leave, they find Bobby in the kitchen and Jim lays the pile of Amber’s hair on the counter to dramatize what just went down in Bobby’s rumpus room.  Have we taught you nothing, Jim???  Amber Alert is going to need that tuft o’ weave for part 41 of the reunion show, EVIDENCE!

Amber in Kitchen

Rino comes upstairs and gets in Jim’s face, chiding him for not wanting to hang out with the men.  Now it’s out of the bag that Bobby told the guys why Jim didn’t want to come out for guys nite.  I think the Bravo intern needs to remind Amber Alert and Jim that they are on camera and their shit talking is being broadcast on national television.  Nothing is sacred after you signed that Bravo contract in blood.

Joes fighting

Ok so, Joe is also spewing at Jim and Jim leans in to tell Joe that he works for the prosecutor that is prosecuting Juicy.  But yet, it’s okay to be cast on the same show with Juicy…whatevs.  Jim is an idiot, he looks like the guy who poses on the package of irregular underwear.  Next week, the men take it outside and Jim may actually need a real first responder.

Just Desserts

Oh where oh where is Caroline Manzo, voice of reason, when you need her?  She advised us very early on during the RHNJ franchise “When you hang around garbage, you start to stink!”  That won’t stop little Joe Gorga, the li’l entrepreneur with spray on hair in a can that could.  He has invested a ton o’ cash into the garbage bidness, but wait…it’s not disposal of old meat trimmings and banana peels, the Gorgas are now in the “extremely important document smushing” bidness.  It’s much more L.A. Chic and certainly conveeeeenient, now that his sister and brother and law are headed to the pokey for, among other things, falsifying federal documents.  Joe is giddy over creating pulverized paper that is worth millions.  At least he hopes, he calmly tells Melissa that they are going to have to sacrifice, stay in their 5,000 foot rental home of squalor, and possibly lose everything if the document smushing doesn’t prove to bring home da’ sausage.

Meanwhile, across town, Amber Alert and her wormy hubby, Jim, are at their formal dining table trying to teach their kids manners and discussing their next fambly commercial for his residential mortgage company.  We get to see a clip of his prior commercial, which fits right in with the low budget, hokey commercials you see at 3 a.m. when you can’t sleep and you’re stuck watching re-runs of “Cheaters”.  If you’re going to call Jim for a mortgage, might as well stay tuned for the Peter Francis Geraci commercial.  Amber demonstrates her “look at those low rates hair flip” she did at the end of the commercial, which they claim made them “millions”.  Jim is ready to put the kids to work as talent in the commercial, nothing says love like exploiting your fambly.

At the Goo-boo-chays, guess what?  It’s another freakin’ photo shoot.  This time it’s for Teresa’s Fabulicious dessert line.  As usual, Milania is sassing and trying to break the photographer’s camera.  After he fights her off, she lunges at him, hisses, and calls him a “butt hole”.  Ahhh…a girl after Sean Penn’s heart.

Tre-Desserts

Tre has invited the ladies over to taste her desserts and while en route to the dessert tasting of doom, Melissa and Amber are rekindling their frenemy-ship status by talkin’ trash about the Non-Dynamic Duo, Nicole and Ter-esss-uh.  Amber labels them as party crashers, even though she invited them to the Fall Festivus.  Nicole’s ex hubby, Bobby is Jim’s bestie, so Amber Alert is in the know and says there was some cheating going on there and calls Nicole a home wrecker.  Amber Alert certainly doesn’t mean to be a gossip (yes you do bitch), but she trusts Melissa (tactical error #1).

At Tre’s home, we flash back to the birth of Gabriella and we are reminded that Dina is Gab’s god mother, which explains why she has remained so close with Tre.  We see production ask Dina in confessional if she is closer to Tre than her own sister and Dina answers “I’m not goin’ there.”  Tre feeds the ladies desserts while they are blindfolded so that they can’t tell the desserts were purchased from the Kathy Wakile hour on QVC.  Melissa admits she is a big fan of “being blindfolded and having things stuffed in my mouth”.  Ugh…WTMI.  Amber Alert can’t let anyone else have her spotlight, so she takes the moment to apologize to Tre if she felt offended by anyone at her Fall Harvest party.  Tre gives a diplomatic reply and she and Amber tear up because they can relate so much to each other.  Amber Alert compares her cancer survival story to Tre’s situation.  Hmmm…surviving breast cancer vs. being indicted on 489 federal charges?  Yeah, same shit.  Amber is waxing philosophical about fambly, cancer, blah, blah, blah.  Tre gives her the triple eye blink, “You’re okay now?”  Yes, ok…moving on.  Dina is annoyed that Amber Alert keeps playing the cancer card and it reeks of trying too hard to fit in the group.

The Non-Dynamic Duo couldn’t attend Tre’s dessert party so they invite Tre and Juicy out for a couples dinner at one of Rino’s restaurants.  Ter-ess-uh broaches the topic of what Tre and Juicy are “going through” and that they will be there to support them in any way, except financially of course.  Bobby invites Juicy out for a “guys nite” and he accepts.  They all cheer and have a nice evening, no drama here…

Amber Alert and Melissa meet for dinner, Melissa has selected her outfit from the “Rhythm Nation” collection.  They discuss how much they enjoy being housewives, Amber Alert “gets the whole women’s lib thing”…(and shit), but nothing beats being a housewife in Jersey.  Amber Alert alerts Melissa that she is also an actress and is well aware of Melissa’s singing incapability.  Amber Alert really wants to know what makes Melissa tick, besides a couple of worn out AAA batteries.  She asks Melissa, if she were faced with cancer, would she choose singing or her family.  Duh…obvi!  Amber Alert’s point is that she has learned so much from this “cancer thing” and when she didn’t hear from Melissa, she wrote her off as a cold hearted bitch.  Melissa asks her to be clear about the expectation of their “friendship” and doesn’t want to continue to nit-pick and would rather move on.  Amber Alert is in full agreement, but something tells me this won’t be all cheese-n-bacon for long.

Jim and Bobby get together, as long as Amber Alert is out with the cold hearted bitch, they get to have some fun.  They feed the kids some McDonalds and non-organic ice cream.  Clearly Jim is terrified of Amber alert, hell so am I.  She is a full throttle, pedal to the metal, nito burnin’ bitch.  But Jim is just a stupid douche, Amber Alert is going to see her kids on national television sucking up happy meals like it’s black tar heroin.  Bobby and Jim send the kids away to play off their sugar buzz and the two “adults” discuss their upcoming “guys nite”.  Jim tells Bobby he won’t go because the two Joes “brawl like every five minutes”, and lord knows Jim the wormy worm boy can’t defend himself in a slapping fight to save his life.  Jim gets down to the real reason and feels that since the Goo-boo-chays are under indictment for mortgage fraud, it would be a conflict of interest (as a class D mortgage banker) to hang out with Juicy, or to join the cast on the same show?  HYPOCRITE!

There is a small scene showing Lexi reading the rejection letter from NYU, but never fear, mom Dina has a small BVLGARI bag containing a red snake bracelet as a symbol of shedding her skin and changing.  I wish everyone on this show would change…

Guys Nite is finally upon us and they gather at Lucky Strike bowling alley.  Lo and behold, ROSIE tags along and Rino takes an immediate liking to her.  The Joes inquire about Jim’s absence and Bobby uses the excuse of the two Joes being too violent.  Gorga already thinks the guy is a “prick”, yeah us too.  Bobby changes the subject by announcing his upcoming “first responder party”.  I swear these idiots can throw a party based on any theme they pull out of their ass.  The Goo-boo-chays should throw an “Icing on the Indictments Winter Wing Ding”.

Meanwhile at Dina’s, she has welcomed a medium named James.  All I can hope here is that he is as nasty and deliciously repulsive as that medium from RHBH, Allison DuBois.  Tre arrives in her fuzzy “read me like a trashy romance novel” fedora and James begins receiving vibes right away.  He sees Tre moving soon and says Juicy is going through his own personal hell.  He also asks if Juicy’s father had passed, which is a bit eerie because this would have been filmed shortly before he did pass.  James sees that it will work out fine for Tre, but not so sure about Juicy.  He sees doing time or paying some sort of restitution.  Tre is stunned, but I don’t know why.  She actually looks awful, as if he has been crying for days.

Real Housewives of New Jersey season 6 ep 3

Melissa and the Non-Dynamic Duo meet at a store that is not Posche to do some shopping and gossiping.  The twins tell Melissa that Jim doesn’t want to be around the Joes because they fight too much and because Juicy Goo-boo-chay is a future felon.  Melissa goes from zero to pissed in a matter of two seconds and it’s turn up time!  She immediately spills the beans to the twins that Amber Alert not only said they crashed her party but that Nicole kinda like “wrecked a fambly” like…

Melissa-Home_Wreck

 

Annnnnnd the Non-Dynamic-Duo flip out in tandem, leave the store wearing clothes they haven’t paid for yet, and plan to drive to Amber Alert’s house to confront her.  Thank goodness they had to stop at Dunkin’ Donuts and the gas station, because it gives this mess on wheels a bit of cool down time and they have a transitory moment of common sense.  They sit in the driveway and decide it isn’t the right time to put Amber Alert on blast.  Better idea to confront her at the first responder’s party when everyone is present in their slutty first responder costumes.  At least there will be plenty of first responders to break up the fight.