Soldier Girl

Picking up were left off with the fambly argument, Joe ushers Tre to the car, congratulating her for not snapping off like a wild banshee and flipping every godforsaken table at Rails.  In other “we can’t possibly stay out of everyone else’s bidness” news…Jacs, Dolores, and Siggy conduct a conference call with Rosie and Kathy.  Bottom line:  Kathy and Rosie believe the end result was bittersweet – Tre needs some space right now, but her door is always open.  Jacs as confused as Jessica Simpson in a library…makes no sense…Tre told Jacs that Kathy and Rosie were dead to her.

This lays the ground work for the impending doom of the Vermont trip.  Tre is packing and the girls would rather take their mother on a guilt trip.  They would rather run a mile in gym class, be forced to shower with their classmates, and dry off with a linty washcloth, than spend a weekend with their father.  Across town, Melissa packs all the ingredients for drama, she invited Tre’s feisty friends Robyn and Christina and she has declared Jacs “acting weird” now that Melissa and Tre are BFFL.

Jacs came up empty after perusing the clearance rack at Forever 21, so she pays a visit to Kim D. at Posche for some extra special ingredients to blend into her own drama potion.  Kim invites Jacs to yet another ill-fated fashion show.  I can see the finale now, it’s a motherf*ckin’ walk off between Posche 2.0 and ENVY!  Kim D. is still grasping at tired ol’ straws, now she claims that she heard through one of Melissa’s old employees that Derek, who is managing Envy, has been selling stories about Tre.  When Tre was at a Posche fashion show, where only everything can go wrong, she was peddling bootleg copies of her books for strictly cash and Monopoly currency transactions.  This looked extremely immoral, given her legal issues, so naturally Derek filmed it on iPhone and sold it to the tabloids.  GENIUS!  Oh wait…JACS.  MUST.  WARN.  TRE!  OMG – Kim D. states, “as long as I live”, (which face it, won’t be long for this crypt keeper), she doesn’t believe Tre and Melissa will ever be true friends.  Siggy had joined them to shop and is more interested in the disintegrable, break-away, blue skank dress than in hearing this drama.

The party bus to hell departs from the Goo-boo-chay estate of horrors.  Juicy Joe can’t leave the state, so he is relegated to sulking back into the house and contemplating over a vaginal rejuvenation pamphlet.  Yasssss Juicy Joe, you gotta keep your stuff right and tight for the boys in the klink.

Sidebar:  Later in the episode, we get a snippet of life back at casa Goo-boo-chay, Juicy Joe watches Milania make perfect pancakes.  She threatens to kick him, “really hard, where the sun don’t shine.”  So not appropriate for her to speak to him in that manner, but oh so delightful.  I implore you Bravo, get this kid her own show.

The women on the bus of destruction are all talking loud and cackling, they give a toast and offer Tre their support since she will be a single mother soon.  OKAY… BACK.  UP.  THE.  MOTHERF*CKIN’.  PARTY.  BUS.  We learn from the wayback machine, that Tre and Chris Laurita went on a date in prehistoric times.  Chris admits he did not pursue Tre because “she seems really into this fat, sweaty, hairy, Mucinex slug, Joe guy.”  Dodged a HEWGE bullet there, Laurita.  Count your blessings and dive out of the emergency exit window of said party bus.

vermont-party-bus

Now an installment from “Jacs Laurita, Fambly Argument Translator!”  Jacs just can’t help her stupid self, although I guess that’s why Bravo pays her the mediocre bucks.  Tre summarizes her view of the Kathy/Rosie debacle in three words, “DOOR.  CLOSED.  DONE!”  Enter Robyn the irrational hothead skank, who has an issue with Rosie because she would not return Robyn’s texts after they had a one-nighter at Club Feathers.  We learn another li’l juicy nugget and flash back to Rosie walking away from Robyn when confronted at Tre’s book signing.  Rosie is a straight up G and has no time for Robyn’s shenanigans.

jacs-making-point

Jacs is still confused by the confusion over the conclusion of the Tre/Kathy/Rosie sit-down.  Melissa tries to break it down, Jacs asks her if she’s thick in da’ f*ckin’ head, gives Melissa the finger wave coupled with calling her “honey”.  Oh Mylanta…dems fightin’ words!  Jacs is really doing her civic duty via public service announcement, Tre is now delivering a different message to the group, and Kathy and Rosie are not clear on that point.  Tre summons Joe to back her up, but he cannot tell a lie.  He admits she said the door was open, but only because she was being “nice”.  I wouldn’t call it nice, I would call it trying to save face, make herself look good, and spineless.

Jump forward to later that evening, they have arrived at the resort, put on their bathrobes, and consumed copious amounts of alcohol.  It’s time for s’mores and a showdown at the fire pit.  Jacs clues Melissa in on the Derek gossip, but Melissa defends – Jackie brought Derek into the Envy mix and he’s all good.  Aside from the fact that Kim D. is a lying whoo-ah and we revisit stripper-gate, where the gossip runs rampant and Tre’s hair choices still unfortunate.  Bottom line, Jacs and Tre encourage Melissa to google Derek’s motives.

Robyn decides to forego roasting her marshmallow and opts to roast Jacs, “you confuse the living poo out of me, you aren’t direct, and you’re judgmental.”  Well, that’s not passive aggressive or judgey at all!  Jacs calls Robyn Teresa’s solider and Robyn loses her shit, “YOU CALLING ME A F*CKIN’ SOLDIER MAKES ME WANT TO RAGE ON YOUR F*CKIN’ ASS!”  Jacs yells, “DO IT!  RAGE ON MY F*CKIN ASS!”

rageon-my-ass

With that, Jacs offers Robyn her ass by plopping down on her lap.  Jacs is clearly hammered, but in this case I find her rejoinder quite entertaining.  Robyn wants to drag Tre into the argument, but the gang migrates back into the hotel lobby, Robyn threatens to punch Jacs in the re-done face, Jacs calls Robyn trash, Siggy puts the kibosh on.  Everyone go sleepy, we will take out the trash in the morning.

jacs-lap

The next day, everyone is gobblin’ down hash browns and eggs in preparation to go dogsledding, but Jacs has barricaded the door to her room.  Later the gang goes skiing, watching Joe fall and ski into pine trees is EVERY.  THANG.

joe-ski-fall

Tre and Melissa shuffle down the bunny hill and have a fake conversation about Jacs, decide they still don’t like her, pinky swear, and BFFL!  As if we could ever take Melissa seriously before, we certainly can’t now with this rabid kitty ski mask.  In case you missed this horror show:

melissa-kitty-mask

Siggy receives a text from Jacs announcing that she and Chris had a spectacular day, sexing it up and day drinking.  Umm…EWWW!  They return to the resort and Jacs announces she will depart the next day with her hubby.  Chris says his peace and feels that Robyn is the problematic element.  Siggy is infuriated at their departure, she cannot eat cheese and syrup from Vermont without Jacs!

Dolores has an epiphany whereby she cracks the mathematical equation that drives the entire Bravo network.  Robyn threatens to punch Jacs (drama) + Tre on probation and cannot be in midst of a scuffle (pesky detail) + last three minutes of show = SOMEONE NEEDS TO GO! (CLIFFHANGER….DUN, DUN, DUNNNNNNN!)

Next week, Dolores will task Melissa and Tre with the dismissal of Private Robyn and it looks like Jacs comes unglued.

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Downward Dawg

Melissa preps for grand opening of Envy, steps in dog poop, tracks into shop, wipes on low-rent Carrie Bradshaw’s tutu.  Gay assistant not sure what to do.  Jazz hands aflutter.  Back at Gorga home, inmates running the asylum.  Dog wearing British flag coat?  Joe self-admitted cave man, can’t find his way out of parenting paper bag.  Watching his own children for two hours, not in “Marriage Contract of Oppression” – not to be confused with Cynthia Bailey “Friendship Contract of Doom”.  Children being especially rambunctious, producers have plied them with pixie sticks and red bull.  Gorga spawn giving us full-blown, petal to the metal, nitro-burnin’ Milania!  Joe caves, calls Melissa, begging ensues.  “You’re dealing with clothes!”  Melisa match point – “Man up and figure it out!”

Gorga Kids

Across town, Tre headed to studio to record audio book.  Chats with lawyer, Google alerts!  Juicy Joe Mucinex slug is cheating bastard.  Nonsense, nonsense.  What is not nonsense?  Tre has paid restitution in full.  First step toward her independence…you watch.  She will ditch that slug of a husband by season 12.  Tre becomes emotional reading the dedication, can’t move past page vii.  Never mind emotions, smoking sound editing equipment due to mis-pronunciations!  CAN’T.  RECOGNIZE.  WORDS.  Tre faced with selecting book cover photo, reflects on her bad hair in a pick taken after removing prison “corn rolls”.  Tre reflects, prison doubles as marriage strengthener.  Juicy Joe showing more Mucinex slug style appreciation.  Book cover revealed, housewife to inmate, and back again.  Next stop, divorce book tour.

Downshift to Siggy squeaking, meets Jacs to stress eat French fries and drink wine.  Siggy issues, 13-year-old daughter selecting clothing from infant section, son covered in hickeys.  Upshift to Tre, Siggy likes Tre, talks without thinking.  Yea, all carnival fun-n-games until Tre eats your new face lift off.  Siggy rock climb date, plans to confront Tre on tabloid cheating rumors.  Jacs scary face, warns – ABORT – DO NOT ASK ABOUT TABLOIDS!

Later, Siggy confronts Tre about rumors, Tre handles like champ on surface, seething cauldron of psychosis bubbling underneath.  Knows Jacs is behind this.  Siggy offers her “relationship expertise”, here’s my card, I’m closed on Wednesdays.

Dolores’ daughter washing guinea pig in the good Tupperware in the living room.  She is in veterinary school, hence her love of bathing animals in containers to later be used for leftover lasagna.

Jacs and Chris at foreclosing McMansion.  Learn of new bidness venture, Little Kernel, GMO and gluten free popcorn for special needs children.  About as viable a market as alarming black water.  Jacs isn’t in it for the money, must push though, need butt lift.

Night of Envy party, atomic contouring, Spanx screaming.  Everyone exchanging pleasantries, Ass-lee calls out Tre 2.0 – it’s a joke, a fake, will the real Tre Goo-Boo-Chay please stand up?

Joe Gorga breaks ice by modeling red cut out dress.  All he achieves is casting high level of awkwardness over crowd and his lactating moobs destroy dress fabric.

Chris and Jacs elude to “get together” with Tre and Juicy Joe, smoke, drink, get foolish.  Tre can’t drink until February, li’l convict ankle monitor will spontaneously combust.  She may lose leg.

Moment we’ve all been waiting for.  Milania finally relieved of manscaping duty!  Flashback of Milania working the three speed back shaver, tells father, “you smell like raw cookie dough.”  I guess that’s better than smelling like taco grease and ass cheese.

Toenails

Tre assumes prison bitch pose and requests Juicy “DO YOGA”.  Juicy Joe assumes unsavory convict pose.  Flashback, Juicy Joe flexible as silicone oven mitt.  Tre hints cheating is not tolerated as she fastens her protective eyewear, cuts his toenails down to the quick, drawing blood.  Juicy upper lip sweating, snorting, grunting, saved by the bell.  Chris calls to invite them for dinner as long as it’s within the allowable traveling perimeter of Tre’s li’l convict ankle monitor.

Joe Yoga

Two weeks, the inevitable Tre and Jacs showdown.

Clink Clink

Those aren’t Fabellini glasses clinking, that is the sound of shackles around Teresa Goo-boo-chay’s ankles so she won’t run off set and hole up in the Bravo intern bathroom during this GAWD-Awful reunion show.  Let’s sift through only the lowlights so our heads don’t explode.

Fambly Feud

Dina’s return to the show was based on the departure of Caroline and Jacs, specifically Jacs, who Dina labels as “toxic”.  After Teresa flipped the table in season one, like the incredible hulk, Dina said good riddance.  Today, Tre-Hulk is much more calm now that her days in the free world are numbered.  Dina still hasn’t filed for divorce, since Tommy is the “only plumber” she knows, he has been “cleaning her pipes”.  WTMI.

Dina notes she will gladly reconcile with her brother and sister, but she will love Jacs from a different zip code.  Tre sarcastically and quite condescendingly applauds OHAC for admitting the show causes tension among the cast mates.  OHAC quickly reminds her that participation in vile, petty feuding on national television with fambly members is strictly voluntary.  I guess Tre forgets where her freakin bread is buttered.  Won’t matter, commissary doesn’t take Bravo Bucks.

Sidebar:  Dina should fire her stylist ASAP for putting that heinous necklace on her.  But her hairstylist gets points for the bangin’ side braid.

Dina-Necklace

Delusion Fusion

Tre doesn’t believe she has ever “hit below the belt” during her entire stint on the show.  The Non-Dynanic Duo belt out a hearty, simultaneous laugh, while Melissa is biting her tongue so hard she may need a paramedic.

“The Cancer” and “The Nose Job”

Amber Alert is allowed to have the floor and her only regret is “crying too much”.  The playing of the cancer card is addressed, but Amber claims she wanted to use the show as a platform to raise awareness.  The Non-Dynamic Duo bash Amber for saying “The Cancer” and they accuse her of having a nose job.  Amber Alert will use her articles of speech however she wants, damn it, and she denies the nose job.

Jersey-Isms

Rosie and Kathy join the floor and discuss the dictionary gag gift they gave Tre.  Everyone has a collective laugh and we are treated to a montage of Jersey-isms:

  • Boobdoir = Boudoir
  • Skoowers = Skewers
  • Lopter = Lobster
  • Vigerator = Refrigerator
  • Calmaradity = Camraderie
  • Cold soldiers = Cold shoulder
  • You should be a cannibal for your actions = You should be accountable for your actions
  • Myrant = this one is actually functional: midget + tyrant = MYRANT!
  • Jigged myself = Jinxed myself

Penny For Your Thoughts

A clip is shown of Kathy’s mother saying that “when you do the wrong thing, mistakes catch up to you”.  Tre makes a dramatic exit and pulls a Bobby by locking herself in the bathroom.  She is still miced and the audio confirms that she has the attention span of a gnat, “you have a mint, gum?  OHHHHH a penny!”

Tre-NeedBreak

Sibling Support

Joe and Juicy join the stage, but Juice man is clearly numb and in shock.  Joe Gorga takes the floor “It’s so hard for me, because it’s my sister.  Whatever.”  Wiser words have never been spoken.

Warning:  Felonious Behavior May Really F*ck Up Your Day

When it rains it pours, while the Goo-Boo-Chay fambly bond is stronger than ever, they are not immune to tragedies in large, successive, quantities.  We all know Juicy’s father had a heart attack and passed away suddenly.  Tre admits that her chubby hubby has been wandering around in a daze, drinking heavily.  And this is different from his previous behavior, how exactly?

MuinexSlug

In addition, all the legal troubles have impaired Tre’s bidness, retailers will simply not tolerate this felon trying to peddle her wares, hence she makes no money.  As if that weren’t bad enough, Tre was too dense to understand that her plea deal included prison time and she was completely blindsided.  Her doctor must have her on some low-grade beaver tranquilizer, the poor thing didn’t even understand Ter-ess-uh’s “clink clink” handcuff gesture.  Look at the bright side Tre, you are going to hang out with the Orange is the New Black Beyotches.  They make prison look fun!

Let’s Talk About Bawwwby

Bawby is apparently a trust fund baby, which confirms that Nicole is not only wearing gold lame, but she is a “gold digga”.  Is that anything like a “soul digga”, like the men who helped Melissa pretend to be a singer?  I digress… Bawby’s sexual preference was called into question over the scene where he frolicked on the beach with a very muscular and agile Joe Gorga and even performed CPR on him.  Bobby never dignifies the question with an answer, but doesn’t deny it either.  Jim and Amber Alert are being too loud an distracting and they get of the topic of Bawby’s possible homosexuality.  Jim whips out a folder of evidence and screams “Fame Whore” across the set, while holding up several pictures of Bawby posing with various housewives.  Amber Alert claims he was only hanging on with Nicole to see if she would be signed to the show so he can get his 7 minutes of fame.

FameWhore

Asshole Problem

Jim is an asshole, Amber Alert affectionately calls him “scorched Earth”, and Dina labels Jim as “mangina”, since calling him “whale vagina” is insulting to women and whale’s everywhere.  Jim brags how he made $8.5 million last year and Melissa whips out her Lawyering License and advises him to refrain from discussing his gross income from all sources on the show.  Wake up and smell the indictment!  Jim is yelling at Tre and li’l Joey Gorga has a flashback to his childhood, “don’t talk to my sister that way, she’s my sister, she threw my toys out the window!”  Uh, that’s another show entirely.  “Don’t talk that way, women box women, men box wen.  Uh menin, you know what I mean!”  No Joe, we don’t.  What is “menin”?  Isn’t that a 1987 jingle for Mennin speed stick deodorant?  Jim is a hot ass mess, he claims he is getting “hate faxes”…ummm who faxes anything anymore?  I’m sure Joe Gorga will offer you a discount on shredding those hate faxes.

Santarinogate – The Gift That Keeps On Giving Like Long-Lasting Spray Tan

OHAC prefaces the Santarinogate segment by assuring everyone on the stage that they will all be heard.  In other words, shut the f*ck up!  Jim repeated the Santarinogate rumor because he was hammered and thought it was hilarious, he only repeated it “as a joke” and he didn’t expect the twins to “go all Chernobyl”.  This guy has a sick sense of humor.  Ter-ess-uh has the floor and regardless that all men are pigs, she knows that her precious Rino would never have inappropriate relations with her mother.  Let’s bring out that crypt keeper, Victoria Gotti, to set the record straight!  Seriously, now that would have been epic.

The men get into the rumor mill a bit more and Jim bashes on Rino for hiding in his own vacation home two miles away from the Florida meltdown vacation rental from hell and he bashes Bawby for hiding in the bathroom.  Bawby states he was simply walking away from “The Marchese Spin Machine”.  Bawby owns a condo he rents to a female tenant, and Jim spun that as Bawby having a “kept woman”.

Bawby apologizes to Nicole for calling her “stupid”, but he clarified that he was calling her stupid for taking the bait from Jim.  Okay Bawby, we get it, so you weren’t “a bitch” when you hid in the bathroom, you were just “acting like a bitch”.  Whatever helps you sleep at night, dude.

Issues

Jim also apologizes to the twins and then calls Dina out for perpetuating the rumor on camera.  Jim, have you learned nothing, Dina will cut your eyes out and serve them on a cheese platter.

What Have We Learned, if Anything?

Ter-ess-uh learned that alcohol and cameras don’t mix.  Nicole learned to keep it real.  Amber Alert wouldn’t cry so much and would keep Jim off Twitter.  Melissa is learning to see the big picture.  Dina learned once you walk away from something remember why you did.  Tre apologizes to her fans for letting them down and she’s going to make herself a better person.  Tre admits that she regrets 80% of the show.

OHAC takes Tre’s delicate, tiny hands, which are about to be subjected to shackles and germy prison showers.  Tre thinks this is her last show and they get emotional for a moment.  After all Tre made reality TV history with her table flip and criminal behavior.  OHAC wishes her the best… annnd scene, Girl, BYE!  As Cynthia from the ATL would say – “This was a waste of an outfit and a wig!”

OHAC-ShakeHand

Best quote of this trifecta shit show goes do Dina:  “This show is so f*cked up!”  Yes, yes it is!

It’s the end of an era, so how long before Bravo gives Tre a spinoff show about her time in prison?

No Apologies

We start this week with the B-string cast members, the Laurita’s, Wakile’s, and Rosie, who are getting together to have cannoli and (according to Richie), play “Shack, Marry, Kill”.  Oy!  Kathy has invited the Non-Dynamic Duo over to fully integrate them into the hot ass mess.  Nicole already has Jacs labeled as a trouble maker and Richie and Chris interrogate Bobby to get the lowdown.  Bobby tells the boys that he and Nicole met at Dunkin’ Donuts and he can’t envision dunkin’ his donut in his butter pecan latte without Nicole by his side.  Richie also clarifies the difference between twin Ter-esss-uh, not “Fabellini” Teresa, who Richie calls “felonini”.  Score line of the night for Richie.

Meanwhile, the girls chat and discuss the ill-fated Florida trip and Nicole has no qualms exposing the rumor that was the highlight of the feuding.  I guess it’s okay to perpetuate your own rumor.  Jacs practically chokes on her boxed wine, which she is drinking through a straw.  Keepin’ it klassy, Jacs.  Rosie would have gone prison orange coo-coo pants by now if this rumor was said about her mother, and since the B-cast is too terrified to take on the likes of Victoria Gotti, they all nominate Tree for the dog house because she repeated the rumor.

Kathy-Jacs

Melissa and Amber Alert meet to check in and discuss Jim’s horrific douche-bag behavior and Melissa encourages her to discuss the situation with the twins at the upcoming, and also to be ill-fated, Ladybug charity event.  The only good thing about this charity event is that it signifies the end of the season, there is always the Bravo mandated “confrontation at a fashion-show, charity ball, social event” finale.

Later, the Non-Dynamic Duo go shopping for dresses to wear to the Ladybug Event and they try on some trashy dresses that look like they were made by “Project Runway” rejects during the Fredrick’s of Hollywood Challenge.  Ter-esss-uh is planning a “tasting party” and she plans to invite everyone except Amber Alert and Tre, so what better way to handle this than to call Melissa while she is at a spa day with the bot’ of dem.

Twins-Dresses

At the spa, Dina makes it crystal effing clear that she wants all the differences put aside so her Ladybug event is without incident.  Melissa takes the call from Ter-esss-uh and of course has her on speaker.  When Tre and Amber alert over hear that they are persona non grata at Ter-ess-uh’s tasting party, they crack up and pretend to be sad.  Dina vows to Tre that she will not allow anyone to talk bad about her at the tasting party, which sets these two up for a rift that will surely carry on into season 12.

Spa Day

Later, Amber Alert is getting naked at a horse stable to do a photo shoot to commemorate her breast cancer.  Jim looks on like a proud perv and after they are done, he walks outside and he is so bereft, he actually has to take a knee.  Jim later takes Amber Alert, wearing her best white eyeliner, to an art gallery for a romantic dinner and to view all of her cancer photos on display, on display, on display.  They talk about cancer, life is short, I don’t want you hanging out with those women, WHY ARE THESE TWO SKID MARKS ON THE UNDERPATNS OF SOCIETY ON THIS SHOW?

Amber-Posing

Tre and G to the ia go out to get pedicures and Tre talks about birth control and then tells G to the ia that she “had something taken out today”, which must mean an IUD.  That is all Tre needs is to pull the damn goalie and get pregnant before she is shipped off to prison camp.  She may not even have to worry about who will care for G to the ia because the poor kid is about to die of embarrassment.

It’s the night of Ter-esss-uh’s tasting party and Melissa takes the opportunity to confirm that everything is copacetic because she wants to bring Antonia to the Ladybug event and will not tolerate a bunch of hags fighting like cats in a pillowcase in front of her daughter.  They sort it out and come up with an outstanding solution that will happen when miniature, disabled, pot-bellied pigs fly out of Dina’s ass.  The twins want an apology from Tre for perpetuating the Santarinogate rumor and Dina volunteers to spearhead that effort.

In other news, Nicole and Bobby go to look at a huge southern style plantation mansion that Nicole thinks she is going to buy for herself.  Bobby anticipates getting engaged within the next year, so I am not sure why she would buy a house listed at $899,000 with royal blue shag carpet.  This is just annoying filler and we all know there is no way Nicole is even serious about buying this house.  We all know she wants to get engaged to Bobby, move in with him, and register at Bed, Bath, and Beyond a hot mess and Dunkin’ Donuts.

Dina sits down to meet with Melissa and Tre and she informs them that she got a nasty text from Amber Alert and she and Jim won’t have anything to do with the Ladybug event.  Dina is wary because she has only sold 105 tickets and now that Jim and Amber Alert are boycotting the event, they will not be inviting all of their imaginary friends.  Tre has come to the table bearing Ladybug sprinkle cookies and Melissa and Dina request that Tre apologize to the Non-Dynamic Duo for repeating the Santarinogate rumor.  I swear if Tre were “no longer a hot-tempered Italian” who “will not be provoked”, she would have flipped that Ikea kitchen table right through the ceiling, destroying Dina’s beloved shoe collection.

Tre-NotSorry

Tre turns the attack on Dina, who felt the need to repeat the rumor to the twin twits in the first place.  WORD!  Tre refuses to make any kind of regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure, as if this is a shocker?  Tre has enough drama in her life and she is appalled that the twins would even ask for an apology.  This sets up the drama for next week at the long anticipated Ladybug event where Tre may snap like Mike Tyson at a spelling bee.  Brace for impact…

Never Ending Journey

Let’s put this never ending fight to bed, shall we!?!?!  Where we left off, Bobby finally emerged from the bathroom and he is confronting Jim in classic Jersey style by shouting, clapping, and serenading them from the top of the staircase shortly before retreating to the bathroom again.  I swear he must be up there cutting lines like a handicapped kid at Disney world.  With the twins left on their own to fight this battle through their drunken hysteria, it’s about to get turnt up in here.  Ter-ess-uh is going crack house rat crazy and we see Nicole mouth the words “let’s go”…funny, I never pegged Nicole as the calm, sensible one.  Amber Alert is pissed at Jim and Melissa won’t be left out, she is the new and improved voice of reason.  Ter-ess-uh decides to have a smoke and Amber Alert joins her.  She flips her hair like a pro and lights up that Virginia Slim, F*CK YOU CANCER, F*CK YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE!  Dina says that Jim definitely has a vagina and tells Amber Alert, “I’m sorry you’re married to a dick.”  So, does that make Jim a hermaphrodite?  Ugh…Ter-ess-uh states that Jim is a perfect example of a Napoleon complex and Jim retorts with “you’re a perfect example of an uneducated dumb f*ck.”  Keep it klassy Jimbo!

Amber smoking

Then, as if he were hatched fresh from a boil on Satan’s anus, Jim starts yelling about Rino and his escapades, including trying to bang local crypt keeper, Victoria Gotti, dating a rusty or Russian stripper, and then he drops the mutha of all bombs… “I think he f*cked your mom!”  Joe rushes Jim off to bed to extract him from what has become an out of control shit show.  Amber Alert follows and she is clearly tore up from the floor up.  Nothing good can come from this, it will only end in tears, this situation is FRAUGHT WITH PERIL!

Alec_Baldwin_Fraught

Dina tells Ter-ess-uh that this talk of Rino and Santa was the rumor that she was speaking about and the non-dynamic duo flies off their broom handle.  They are horrified that everyone has been gossiping about this the whole time and Dina has had enough of this nutbaggery, she looks at the camera, Dina Manzo is DUNZO!  Melissa suggests, in the interest of Zen, they all sleep it off on it.

The next morning in Florida, Jim should be hiding under the bed, but he is in the kitchen whipping up breakfast as if nothing has happened.  Ter-ess-uh is packing her shit and plans to head over to her vacation home to meet Rino, which is five minutes away.  Why didn’t she go sooner?  Melissa is so furious that she must rub oil all over her body and get some sun.  Amber Alert is hunched over her breakfast like a hungover skag and when the conversation inevitably turns to the ugly events of the evening prior, Jim’s response is that it was all in good fun.  Melissa is stunned and leave it to Dina to put the kibosh on all this, after all it is severely f*cking with her Zen.  Dina emerges, looking fabulous in her jammy pants, and confronts Jim and Amber Alert, “you’re sittin’ there in your bikini and your gold jewelry like it’s no big deal, get up, pack your bags, and go!”  Dayum!  Amber Alert is reduced to tears again and she seems to forget that everyone else was perfectly fine in Florida before she and her dick vagina husband arrived.  Joe makes a drink and a toast, “the poison has left the building!”

Dina-pack and go

Meanwhile back in Jersey, a small puppy is suffering from shaken baby syndrome.  Milania is trying to burp the puppy like it’s a baby and I’m surprised the thing hasn’t bitten her ear off yet.  The fambly is having breakfast in the kitchen when Juicy announces that he and Tre have decided to forgo their separate rooms and will be spending the night as a couple in the fantasy suite.  Wait, wrong show… Tre and Juicy will have a “date night” to keep the fambly “on a float… no wait, on a flow” says Tre.  Because what better way to spend their fleeting moments with their children then to dump them off at Nana and Papa’s?

The jailbirds spend the night at The Carlton hotel and enjoy a plate of oysters, which Juicy likens to “a sloppy va-jay-jay”.  Really.  Appetizing.  Juicy figures dat he and da mizzuz have been working so hard defrauding banks, they deserve it and whatever, y’know.  We are treated to a flashback photo of Tre and Joe from the good ol’ days when they were just engaging in petty theft.  Tre has a huge head and a super skinny body, she looks like a walkin’ candy apple.  Juicy delivers a lovely toast to his “bitch wife”… “to our girls, our health, and for being the luckiest guy in the world, because I’m married to you.”  And you’re going down with me, 15 months in the pokey, you stupid skank of epic proportion.  I hear orange is the new leopard!

Tre-Joe-Night_out

We have a brief moment with Jacs and Kathy, I’m not sure why because nobody cares about these two, who are clearly clinging for dear life for their spots on this train wreck.  Jacs is like a damn dog with a bone, she talks about reaching out to Tre again and getting an abrupt, short response and Kathy advises she let it go and move on.  Later, Jacs shares a “date night” of her own.  She and hubby stay at home because they are trying to live within their means.  What a novel concept!  Chris tells her that as far as the Juicy and Tre situation goes, the writing is on the wall.  Now let’s get busy cooking dinner, so we can go get busy!

Back in Boca, what is left of the group boards a yacht called the “Never Ending Journey”, how apropos.  The gang is having a great day in the hot tub, knockin’ ‘em back and Bobby is trying to keep up, drink for drink, with Joe.  Dina is being a little bit of a shit-stirring diva and tells Nicole that Bobby should have been by Nicole’s side throughout the melee the night before and not hiding in the bathroom like the little bitch that he is.  Dina doesn’t think Bobby is in it to win it and then, suddenly, Bobby and Joe dive into the ocean and start horsing around in the water.  They wash ashore, wrestle in the soft white sand, pretend to perform CPR on each other, then Bobby gently whispers in Joe’s ear “If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.”  It borders the line of unhealthy bromance and could be the reason Bobby hasn’t put a ring on Nicole it.

Bromance

Later that night, a chef has come to the Miami Vice Mansion from Hell to prepare dinner, but Bobby is too hammered to show up.  Nicole took a nap in her bikini, which tells me she was gacked to the nines as well.  Melissa, Joe, and Dina are the only ones who make it to the dinner table and Nicole eventually comes down.  She tries to pass off Bobby’s absence as “food poisoning”.  Yes, too much vodka food.  Ter-ess-uh and Rino stop by to say hello and they all have a good laugh.  Rino thinks that the Santarinogate rumor is so outlandish that it’s hilarious.  Bobby finally drags his way downstairs and I can almost smell him through the television, a hard mix of stale pork rinds and sticky bar room floor.  Joe gives a toast to “friends, happiness, and good people.”  Yes, good people who are not of the mother f*cking variety…

Next week, Jacs and Kathy meet the twins and get in on the dish.  Rosie declares “the whole word mother f*cker has a whole new meaning!” Now that’s something to smoke about!

Rosie Cigarette

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

Gator Junction of Dysfunction

The ladies are still poking around in Boca Raton…they dress up in their finest Jimmy Choo’s so that the gators can see how useful the skins of their former fambly are being put to good use.  Nothing much to see here except that Dina becomes attached to a baby disabled gator that was born without a tail.  Little do the ladies know, the real danger in the water is lurking back at the Miami Vice vacation home of hell fire.

Gators

Back in Jersey, Tre and Juicy discuss the “texteses” that Juice Man received from Chris Laurita.  No matter how many boxes of wine it takes, the Laurita’s are gonna work their way back into the Goo-Boo-Chay friendship of dysfunction.

Kathy and Richie go over the plans for their new house with their general contractor, who happens to be the highlight of the episode.  It’s Kevin Jonas!  Rosie is all like “didn’t you used to sing-n-stuff?”  Hells yea!  Rosie is all in, “let’s get N*SNC-n-Lance Bass in on this sh!t!”  Later we learn over an emotional fambly dinner that Rosie has parted ways with her Bravo mandated girlfriend, Ellen.  She is back on the prowl to find her ride or die bitch, but they just don’t make ‘em like they used to anymore.

Back in Boca, Dina alerts Amber Alert that she knows about Santa-Rinogate.  Meanwhile, Jim is in the living room paying compliments to the Non-Dynamic Duo, but then it turns ugly and he goes after Bobby, basically telling him to “sack up” when it comes to committing to Nicole.  Jim decides to go look for more booze to fuel the drama volcano that is about to erupt like a river of ferocious hot liquid magma.

Melissa and Jim go into the kitchen together so that the Non-Dynamic Duo can set up the next scene.  They are going on and on about Bobby’s commitment phobia and Bobby storms out with Nicole on his heels like a rabid Chihuahua.  He mutters something about “you play into this one more time, I’m leaving”, and then he calls her stupid.  Keep it classy Bawwwby!  It actually sounds like sound-bytes taken out of context and dubbed over the scene to add drama.  He locks himself in the bathroom and hides behind the toilet.  Apparently, he has his vodka soaked tampon on backwards.  Everyone is gathered in the living room and Dina appears to be a stress eater because she has a box of donuts in her lap that she is snarfing down like black tar heroin.  Ter-esss-uh is in full first responder mode and she tries to break down the bathroom door and retrieve Bobby.  Jim continues to trash Bobby and alludes to having information from Bobby about the Non-Dynamic Duo’s fambly.  Amber Alert’s eyes bug out of her head and she tries to shut him up.

Jim-Amber

He won’t let up, so Amber Alert flees the scene and Dina tries to talk her off the ledge.  Amber Alert wants Bobby to come out of hiding, she demands “bring me him!” with all of her dramatic psycho flair.

Dina-Amber

Ter-esss-uh storms at Jim “what is going on!”  I want to know what is going on too, I think the editors must have been suckin’ down some contractually obligated expired Fabellini.  This is a hot mess.   I also want to know what is going on with Melissa’s yellow dress and royal blue shoes.  She must be working on shapes and colors this week.  Anyhoo…Jim reveals that Bobby has been cheating on Nicole for the entire time they have been dating, he’s got some chick stashed away in a secret condo, process that.  Joe tries to take Jim out of the room, he explains that “in a man’s world, Jim is a bitch.”  WORD!  Bobby finally emerges from the bathroom, sweating like a farm animal, and he is ready to throw down with Jim.

Bobby-Fight

Annnnnd we are out of time folks, tune in next week for the possible fight or to see another dragged out shit show.  I guess the Bravo intern hasn’t pumped the cast up with enough vodka to properly execute the fight, and why milk the drama for only two episodes when you can cash in on the drama cow for three?  It’s the Jersey way!

Badmouthing in Boca

The hags are headed out to Boca Raton, Florida for some drama in the sun.  The ladies offer up a Bravo mandated toast to Tre, who cannot leave the great state of Jersey.  It’s no sweat off of anyone’s ballz that Amber Alert can’t come either, she can keep her drama at home.

Meanwhile, in snowy Jersey, Tre and G to the ia begin house hunting since they need to downsize.  The realtor keeps telling Tre that the house just can’t compare to her current home, which is not the way to sell, but must be for dramatic effect.  It’s pure tragedy that she has to downsize to an 8,800 square foot house.  We are treated to an early Tre flashback saying she gets “scheezed” looking at used houses, “that’s gross” she tells us.  Yes, it’s 8,800 square feet of pre-owned pure squalor!  She really has no choice in this matter…and oh look a urinal and bidet in the master bedroom!  The realtor suggests she market her current 12,000 square foot home for $4 million.  Hey, at least it’s bigger than Melissa and Joe’s re-done rental home of squalor and despair.  I think Tre better prepare herself for some “downsizing” to an 8 x 8 grey cell.

Realtor

Other happenings in Jersey, Kathy pops by to see Jacs in her own house of horrors and we catch up with her nightmare.  While Jacs inhales the desserts Kathy brought, she updates us on her son, Nicholas.  He has progressed quickly, but not as quickly as Jacs jams that cannoli in her pie hole.  The only other thing we learn her is that Jacs’ makeup artist must have been workin’ overtime with the contouring brush.  Jacs and Kathy discuss the Tre situation and Jacs is crushed that Tre did not respond to her gushing, heart-felt texts with the same enthusiasm.  Jacs got a “thank you, hugs-n-kisses” and that was about it.  Kathy seems a little annoyed and tries to translates that Tre’s flat response is telling, Tre wants to close the book on Jacs’ contoured nose.

Later, Kathy takes Jacs to the construction site of the home that Kathy and Richie are building.  Kathy explains that she and Richie want to live within their means, what a novel concept.  Jacs can’t leave well enough alone and she announces that she and Chris are selling their home too.  Good, move away, move far…far…away.

Back in Boca, the non-dynamic duo check out the house they are staying in, it’s very “Miami Vice” and they think the hot tub will give them Legionnaires disease.  The gang finally settles by the pool and enter Jeff, the pool boy.  He will dote on the women hand and foot, and what a co-wink-a-dink, he is single and so is Dina.  Nicole thinks he is perfect with the exception of his hairy nipples???  Wha????  Anyhoo, Melissa is getting her serious drink on, now that she is away from her four children and isn’t contractually obligated to consume that Fabellini swill.  The non-dynamic duo think Melissa is showing her fun side, but Dina thinks Melissa is just showing off her body.

Melissa-showoff

Maybe so, but more power to her and God’s speed to her plastic surgeon.  She looks great for having four children, one of which is a grown ass man.  Later, the ladies go shopping in order to cook a lovely meal and the non-dynamic duo cannot stop saying “long hots” in reference to hot peppers.  I’m waiting for one of the women to find a 20 lb. sack of Fingerling potatoes and beat these two senseless with it.

We get a brief snapshot of what is happening at the Gorga home, Joe is holding down the fort “babysitting”, as if this is his part-time gig to make extra walkin’ around money.  That pesky irritant called “parenting” is just too much for him to take on.  Joe is having a pillow fight with his kids when Melissa calls to check in.  They are jumping all over the couch, throwing a football in the house, and destroying art work on the wall.  After Joe gets off the phone, he has a talk with his daughter about boys, but she is a bit young for it, and so is he frankly.  Joe says he isn’t ready for that discussion and he will “break the internet” so his daughter doesn’t find out about Justin Bieber and shit.  Good lookin’ out, man.

I suppose we have to throw in the update on Amber Alert, her bloodwork is fine and the outlook is optimistic.  So once again, much dramatic buildup about nothing.

The non-dynamic duo suggest that they call Amber Alert to see how she is doing.  What another co-wink-a-dink, a call from Amber Alert pops up like herpes in a public school.  Dina answers and Amber informs her that her bloodwork is perfect and she and Jim are headed to Boca tomorrow!  Dina’s face goes blank, like she had just seen a ghost wearing last year’s Jimmy Choo wedges.  The impending arrival of Amber Alert threatens Dina’s “zen” in a big way.  Amber Alert may bust open that stocking full o’ goodies about Rino and Santa, which Dina is holding.

The ladies sit down to their meal and Melissa is already half in the bag.  Dina decides to play a fun game of “tell us a random fact about you, like who likes a golden shower”.  Oh okay, yea, because that’s great dinner conversation?  Melissa doesn’t understand it at all and starts yammering about peeing in the shower.  Dina quickly corrects her and explains what the “golden shower” is.  Nicole suggests that Melissa enjoys a “pearl necklace” and Melissa is about as confused as Paula Abdul after a box of wine.  Dina goes to get her phone to show them these things in action, translation = porn, although Dina claims to just watch it for the décor.  Well, who doesn’t?

The ladies move their party outside and contemplate how the dynamic will change when Amber Alert arrives.  Dina and Ter-ess-uh walk away to investigate an anorexic palm tree and Dina uses the opportunity to give Ter-ess-uh a vague heads up about some gossipy information she is holding.

Dina-Teressa

Ter-ess-uh cuts Dina off at the knees and tells her not to say anything, she doesn’t want to know.  Leave it to Nicole to squash any sense of reason, because once she gets wind of this, she demands to know.  The twins argue about knowing vs. not knowing, which is a perfect build up to next week when Jim and Amber Alert arrive.

Sh!t Shoveling

It’s four days before the plea deal for the Goo-Boo-Chay fambly of wayward felons.  Tre is cooking in the kitchen with her girls, Audriana is chopping onions and Milania decides to eat some raw onions and act like a damn fool, and G to the ia rolls her eyes in disgust at all three of them.  Across town, at the Gorga 15,000 square foot rental home of squalor, they catch their fambly on the television news, while Amber Alert is scouring her go-to news source, “Radar Online”.  Amber Alert preps for her Emmy winning performance and calls Tre, already busting out the histrionics before the call even goes through.  Watch out, Meryl Streep!  Tre is like “wha, what happened”, G to the ia can hear Amber Alert sobbing and she starts laughing.  Tre chalks it up to being pre-menstrual or because she has been through “the cancer”.  Amber Alert is a hot mess express and she really needs to consider waterproof mascara.  Amber Alert keeps pressing her, “Is it true?  Is it true?  I thought you were, like, in the clear!”  I don’t know what version of reality Amber Alert subscribes to, but Tre smartly cuts her off and can’t discuss it further at the advice of her legal counsel.  Jim finds Amber Alert in a puddle of tears all over the clean laundry she is folding, he explains the process of accepting a plea deal and it’s not looking good for the Goo-boo-chays.  Amber Alert equates this to her cancer scare AGAIN, because you know…it’s, like, so similar.  “At least it’s not a death sentence…” she says.  Yeah well, two years without access to body glitter and Frankenstein hair extensions might just be the demise of Tre Goo-boo-chay!

Amber-Hysterics

Melissa calls the “is it true or not true hotline” and Tre maintains it’s not true.  After Tre hangs up, G to the ia questions her mom further, but neither of them can keep it together.  You have to wonder what the hell was going through her mind when she participated in the fraudulent activities, unless she is truly that ignorant or thinks she is that invincible.

Melissa and Dina go for a work-out, which is odd because these two don’t seem to even like each other.  We find out that the weird, cut-rate gym with pulleys hanging from the ceiling is merely the stage to start talking about the Bravo mandated trip, not an actual workout.  They talk about heading to Florida, because hey, Tre broke the law, but we want to see her happy.  I am wondering how Tre could even leave the state with her pending charges.

Jim and Amber Alert are making dinner together and discuss the fact that they are pissed off that Bobby repeated what Jim told him in confidence ON NATIONAL TELEVISION about the Goo-Boo-Chays.  Jim can’t wait to spill the beans about his pal Bobby, who allegedly has names of women stored in his phone, just waiting in the wings, one in Florida.  Jim thinks he is so tough, serving Bobby a “cup o’ shut the f*ck up!”  Does he not understand he is ON CAMERA SAYING THIS SHIT!?!?!

Tre and Dina are shoveling snow and Tre is glad that Dina is the kind of superficial friend who doesn’t ask any questions.  All Dina cares about is shoveling snow off of her Buddha statue because it’s really f*cking up her zen.  Melissa shows up to be useless, as usual.  The three stooges walk around to the back of the house for some reason, get stuck in the snow, then they tell Tre that they want to take her away to Florida.  Tre is all in, because after all she may not see the sun for two years.

Snow

The non-dynamic duo are trying to dig out of their own mess and Bobby drives up to shovel out some shit of his own.  Apparently Amber Alert keeps calling and texting him.  Nicole reads the texts aloud, but Ter-ess-uh asks her to apply her theatrical knowledge and use a man’s voice while reading Bobby’s texts and a girl voice for Amber Alert’s texts.  Oy vey…I can’t take these two idiots and their Dunkin’ Donuts obsession.

Dina is hosting a gathering of the ladies to discuss her “Project Ladybug” event that will be dedicated to kids fighting cancer.  Amber Alert shows up in her “I heard some gossip Burbury Newsboy hat”, ready to stir up trouble, more on that later…

The ladies all want to help Dina, heck Tre has a good friend who was just diagnosed with breast cancer and “April 1st she’s gettin’ a vasectomy”.  I’ll give you a moment to wrap your brain around that and shake your head in haughty disdain.  While they all discuss the theme for the party, they come up with “Old Hollywood”, because of course kids are totally into that.  Dina changes the subject and throws out the invitation to Florida, the non-dynamic duo is down to travel, but Amber Alert can’t process going away.  She has all that laundry full of mascara stains to wash.

It is then that Amber Alert decides to pull Tre aside to discuss the rumor that they heard from Victoria Gotti about Rino and Mama Santa having inappropriate relations.  Amber Alert swears she won’t mention it, right as she mentions it within ear shot of Ter-ess-uh.  Tre finally tells her that she has her own shit going on and really doesn’t give a rats ass.  When did Tre Goo-boo-chay become a calm, level-headed player in this debacle?  While the other ladies sit and wonder what they are gossiping about, Nicole takes the opportunity to spill the tea on Amber Alerts crazy texts to Bobby.  When Amber Alert and Tre return to the group, the tension is thick, but neither side will offer up the dirt they were each dishing.

Gossipin

It’s the day of the plea deal and Juicy is tending to his chickens while Tre is laying on the bedroom floor reading prayers out of a book.  We see footage of Tre and Juicy hurrying into the courtroom, bottom line they both plead guilty to multiple fraud charges and are both looking at jail time.  Juicy has the added bonus of facing being deported back to Italy.  Bravo’s sister station “E!” gave the full report.  Because no one delivers hard-hitting reality television star news like Giuliana Rancic.

Tre-praying

We see small snippets of the other cast mates weighing in, Ter-ess-uh is more concerned about what Tre was wearing, Rino confuses a gavel with a mullet and the other cast mates plead ignorance.  They don’t know much about it, how all that crazy laws stuff works.  I think they are all still in shock that Tre admitted to doing something wrong.  Tre’s attorney reads a statement from Tre – she takes responsibility for a series of mistakes, etc., she’s heartbroken, her attorney is pushing for probation rather than prison.  My only sincere hope is that she does get probation.  If she goes to prison, who will teach her girls super advanced pole spins like the armpit hold and the Brass Monkey?  Ugh, there aren’t enough jewel-toned sequins in the world to fix this.  Latest update is that their sentencing was postponed to 10/2/14.  Tre’s Jimmy Choo’s could be sinking into the dry dirt in the yard for up to 27 months and Juice man could be wearing his soap on a rope for 46 months.

Tre-Court

Previews show what’s coming in the season ahead, viewership must be flagging.  Jacs is coming back on the scene and it looks like drama ahead when Jim blurts out that he saw Rino f*cking Santa Claus.

HO, HO, HO…AW HELL NO!

Melissa welcomes Amber Alert at her door, who comes bearing comfort food.  It seems Melissa’s favorite aunt passed away due to cancer.  Amber Alert is able to put her differences aside, because hey, she gets the whole cancer thingie.  Too bad she doesn’t get the whole stop setting your makeup gun to “third shift ho stroll” thingie.

Meanwhile, across town…Nicole and her mother, Santa, discuss the impending Valentine’s Day fake holiday of doom.  Nicole is all atwitter about her one year anniversary of dating Bobby, but let good ol’ Santa put the kibosh on her delusions, “He’s not like anyone you’ve ever dated before, he can really space out his need to be around you, and that’s very unusual.”  Basically, he would rather have a back alley colonoscopy than spend time with you.  Nicole rationalizes the behavior, Bobby just moves a little slow.  And is a “confirmed bachelor”, and is emotionally unavailable, and is a meat head, shall I go on?

Melissa threw on her “I come in peace fedora” and goes to visit her new bestie, sister in law, Tre.  They decide to hang out at the Goo-boo-chay house of horrors since it’s so quiet because Juicy has taken their terrifying children out for the night.  They sip some Fabellini, light the fire, and curl up on the couch, albeit awkwardly, and decide to watch the Godfather movie.  After all Tre needs to research prison-n-stuff.

In a shameless Bravo cross-promotion, Dina goes to see Vikki Ziegler (of Bravo’s latest flop show “Untying the Knot”).  Dina’s underlying fears are revealed, am I doing the right thing?  Will I ever find love again?  What will become of me now that my shoe money must become mortgage money?  Am I wearing too much body glitter?  None of these “what ifs” matter because Dina has the perfect excuse to wait on the divorce proceedings, Lexi needs to finish school first…

The Non-Dynamic Duo gets together in front of their fire place and they decide to dress Nicole up in a slutty red frock and send Bobby some sexy selfies.  Ter-ess-uh likes Bobby, but she is worried because he was single for “ten, eleven, twelve years.”  (Wow.  Just.  Wow.)  The one-year “where are we headed” pressure looms, but Nicole wants it to happen naturally and slowly like a sleepy sea turtle that was harpooned 11 times with tranquilizer darts.  Ter-ess-uh alludes to why she and Rino divorced and then remarried, she plays it off as some sort of Rino needing to sow his wild oats and bang every stripper in town…Hey Melissa….

Tre and Juicy have a meeting of the mind (yes, that is singular) to go over their calendars.  Juicy tells her “You got to get out there and you got to hustle, I mean, look, you’re the brand. I guess I’m the brawn.”  Tre is stunned that he knows what “brawn” is.  “The brawn is the muscle behind the brand. See, I know some words.”  Yay, Juicy!  Next week we’ll work on shapes and colors!  The bottom line is, Mama Goo-boo-chay has got to pay da’ bills the good ol’ fashioned way.  Leave it to Milania to bust in on the big brain trust and start applying ledger buff white out on everything.  That’s right kid, start that “Cookin’ da’ Books” training early!

Dina is low and depressed on Valentine’s Day that she decides to have a little “Face Time” with her assistant, the gay son she has always wanted.  It’s a full-blown pity party for one, she is scarfing down a box of Walgreen’s cheap chocolates that some boy gave to Lexi, while Grandma Wrinkles, smelling of bacon and feet, cuddles by her side.  Tommy proposed to Dina on Valentine’s Day, so this holiday is particularly rough for our Namaste beyotch.  Dina tests out her “Dream Spa”, which she ordered out of the fall 2013 “Contraptions” catalog.  She shoves her weary head into it and red and orange lasers burn out her retinas.

Dina-Spa

Melissa and Joe go out to celebrate Valentine’s Day and Joe has purchased more buildings and Melissa is worried that Joe is missing out on spending time with the kids.  So much so that Joe actually drove Joey to the wrong school.  No clue where his kid goes to school!  Melissa surprises joe with a book of sexy photos, which causes a fiesta in Joe’s pants.  Later Joe reciprocates the gift by surprising his fambly with a puppy, which quickly takes their minds off of losing their aunt.

The Non-Dynamic Duo, Rino, Bobby, Santa, and Sal are all out for dinner and reminisce about their favorite sweet moments from when they first met.  Nicole blurts out that Santa is worried about Bobby being a “confirmed bachelor”.  Bobby wants to make sure they take their time, but senses the pressure to show some sort of commitment to Nicole.  He tells a story about giving Nicole a stuffed frog to symbolize the end of her frog kissing days because she has finally found her prince.  Awww…GAG.

Tre shows up at “The Wine Guy”, wearing her Muppet cloak of death, to sign bottles of Fabellini and take photos.  The fans line up and start asking her personal questions.  Amber Alert shows up in her Kangol hat of peace to fish for gossip help Tre with the appearance.  Victoria Gotti shows up and cuts in line to get directly to her former Celebrity Apprentice pal.  Victoria invites them over for a drink and a side of slander.  Amber Alert is a bit troubled, but she whips on her bullet proof vest, activates her GPS tracking device embedded in her skull, and agrees to go.

Tre, Amber Alert, and Victoria Gotti sit down to talk the straight dope.  Victoria is an ol’ school G and knows Rino and his dirty laundry from way back.

Gotti

Victoria had some sort of heart attack thingie from smoking too many unfiltered cigarettes, and Rino showed up in the ICU with a diamond Rolex watch.  Victoria would not accept the gift and fired all of her henchmen for allowing Rino past the door, but she decided to keep Rino around as a friend.  Rino later told Victoria and an alleged group of people at a dinner table about his divorce.  He cheated, but that wasn’t the faux pas, it was who he cheated with that sent the crowd reeling… Amber Alert and Tre are grasping hands on the edge of their Samsonite folding chairs, expecting to hear that it was Ter-ess-uh’s twin sister, Nicole.  Totes understandable, a classic case of “twin fetish”, but no it turns out it was OH HO HO HO, AWWW HELL NAW – SANTA!  Yes, honest to crap, he slept with his mother in law.  Amber Alert and Tre need a few moments to re-hinge their jaws and so do I.  Santagate is the last thing I expected and I can’t wait for the fall-out from this little controversial convo.

Amber-Gossip

Next week, the courtroom drama heats up for the Goo-boo-chays, but who the hell cares, Rino slept with SANTA!

Fambly Bidness

Well this week it’s all about bidness … running it and gettin’ all up in everyone else’s.  We start with Melissa and Joe who are back at their Bentley dealer.  They want to paint the document churning truck of death something wayyyyy more cute.  Melissa is all about making it more “L.A. Chic”, even though she doesn’t know what that means.  Clearly, the weave glue has eaten her brain because her big idea is to put wings on the truck and use the slogan “going green gives you wings!”  The man at the Bentley dealer laughs in her face, she has no room to talk about “going green”… “You drive a 12 cylinder Bentley, you get 8 miles to the gallon!”

Melissa-Wings

To further demonstrate Melissa’s stupidity, Joe later takes her to meet a scientist so he can explain to her how the environmentally friendly document destruction bidness works.  Melissa is all a twitter and the scientist reminds her of the movie “Back to the Future.”  The scientist utters something about think McFly, think, plasma, vapor, gas, all the Goo-boo-chay documents destroyed, and BLAM… enough power to turn on the light bulb over Melissa’s head!  Melisa thinkie she might understandie, but the scientist confers “she has the physical capability” to be a sales person for this technology.  Meaning she is cute and can maybe sell it to some sleaze bag at a Bentley dealership.

Meanwhile, across town, Amber alert distracts herself from her woes by making mortgage themed sprinkle sugar cookies.  Based on the look of the hot mess on her cookie sheet, somethin’ in the buttermilk ain’t clean.  They have invited a bunch of friends and family over to watch a premiere of the low-budget commercial.  I think this has to be an even cheesier themed party than the first responders debacle.

The Non-Dynamic duo invited the other cast of characters, sans Amber Alert, to one of Rino’s restaurants.  Melissa dishes on her Amber alert lunch of death and Nicole is like a dog with a bone on this thing.  She wants her apology, and come hell or high heels, she is going to get it.  The real highlight of this get together is meeting Rosie’s new lady friend, Ellen.  Nicole and Bobby are all excited to have the same anniversary month as Rosie and Ellen, but Rino tells them they are “fugazi”, meaning “fake”.  It was glossed over, but I am sure Nicole is a seething cauldron of rage ready to bust.  Rosie makes a toast to her new lady friend and says lovely things about her.  Nicole admits she doesn’t have this with Bobby and it’s only a matter of time before that relationship is defunct.

Much to our dismay, we are learning a lot about Nicole this episode, we find out she is a “jet booker”, meaning she books jets for CEO’s who fly private.  She is flitting around her office as if she were important and then decides to call Amber Alert to invite her to a Bravo mandated “let’s clear the air” lunch.  Amber Alert is very hesitant and goes on Red Alert right away over the phone.  Nicole is steadfast in her determination, she must confront Amber Alert because holding bitterness “is like leprosy to your soul.”  During this whole exchange over speaker phone, Nicole’s co-workers are laughing at her.

Conversely, we learn about Ter-ess-uh and her lofty endeavors, to navigate the muddy lot of her future restaurant without ruining her $1,800 Jimmy Choo boots.  Ugh, does Jimmy Choo make restraints?  Rino is building the restaurant from the ground up and it will keep their son and Ter-ess-uh out of Rino’s way busy.  For some reason, I think Rino is hiding something that may come out later, such as a mistress?!?!?

At the Goo-boo-chay wayward home for adult felons, it’s time for G to the ia to have an awkward conversation with her parents.  Tre is all excited that G to the ia is now 13 years old and she wants the deets on her life, but G to the ia wants her mom out of her space.  Later, Juicy joins the fun and they present G to the ia with a gift, which is a ring that Tre says was handed down from her own mother.  G to the ia is a bit apprehensive about the gift, but little does she know, Milania has already had the ring appraised and hooked a buyer for a “buy it now” price on e-bay.  Juicy and G to the ia have some alone time and he explains to her that she is a role model to her younger sisters.  He wants to make sure she stays on the pole track.  Juicy asks her if she has ever kissed a boy, as if being on national television with your jail bait parents isn’t enough embarrassment.

Juicy-Gia-Talk

Later, Tre stops by her BFFL Dina’s house so they can make delusion vision boards.  Tre claims she doesn’t care about materialistic things, she just wants health.  After all, her lust for material goods may be her downfall very soon.  Dina suggests that Tre find words that describe how she wants to see the outcome of the case.  Tre thinks her head is a vision board so she don’t need no stinkin’ corkboard.  Tre tells Dina she has been looking at houses and she is ready to downsize.  Yes, downsize to an 8’ x 8’ cell.  The end result of the vision board from hell is that Tre wants “love”, “freedom”, to “survive”, and a “leopard print shiv”.

Tre-vision board

Finally, Nicole and Amber Alert meet for coffee and to hash out their issues.  Amber Alert has smartly worn her extensions in a bun so they can’t be ripped out.

Amber-Argue

Nicole’s first question is why Amber Alert was slandering her name when they were supposedly friends.  Amber Alert serves up a heaping helping of bitchy biscotti and says she is glad that Nicole finally got a hold of herself and can have a conversation instead of a total freak out while wearing a slutty fire fighter costume.  Amber Alert tells her that she did hear that Nicole had an affair, but Nicole insists it is not true.  Amber Alert is more concerned about how Melissa spilled the beans and why.  Amber Alert admits she feels bad, she should not have said it, but it was not in a malicious manner.  Nicole mentions the other things Amber Alert said and they discuss Bobby.  Amber Alert alludes to something she has “known about Bobby for many months”.  Apparently Bobby doesn’t give three wet farts about Nicole and he is a gigolo.  Well hell, I think that’s a perfect match, a homewrecker and a gigolo.  Nicole insists that relationships take time, but they are now officially in love and things have been so great between them.  Umm…Nicloe, did you see that Christmas gift he gave you?  You two are drinkin’ buddies, at best.  When all is said and done, Amber Alert offers up an apology and they hug it out.