Chocolate Bunnies

Well this week, we received an Easter basket full of chocolate bunnies gone HAM!  We received some ghastly penis based insults, a reflective wig tuggin’ trip down memory lane, and the cherry on our Sunday….prison masturbation.  Let’s jump right in with the low-lights:

  1. Overboard

Revisiting the shit show that was the boat outing where everyone was calling each other beyotches and ho’s, Cynthia and Porsha admit they were turnt up, meaning hammered on Hennessey and orange juice.  We revisit one of my favorite fisticuffs, She by Shereé’s infamous “wig tug”, which she claims was just a “shift”, a helpful “adjustment” if you will.  Whilst they are talking about Kim’s wig – meaning Kim Zolciak, Kim Fields is looking around as if she is lost in a corn maze.

Anyhoo…Cynthia and Porsha continue to diagram the altercation as if they are in advanced placement English, trying to diagram complex sentence structure.  Between the wrist grabbing, the acrylic nail finger pointing, the straddle, the gut kick, and the security tackle, they finally agree they were both at fault.  Although Porsha wants to point out that she suffered “contusions” all over her body.  She just wanted an excuse to use the $5.00 word she learned at the CVS Mini-Clinic.  Kenya brings up something about Porsha pulling a Naomi Campbell on her assistant and Porsha fights back by accusing Kenya of seeing a one-eyed African.  Is this “one-eyed African” the latest Urban Dictionary slang term for a penis or is this an actual African man wearing an eye patch?

  1. Mommy Dearest

We revisit the painful rejection Kenya faces at the hands of her biological mother and Porsha just doesn’t know when to shut up.  She has been trying to figure out why Kenya is such an asshole, and thinks the deadbeat mom is the reason.  No, she is just a plain ol’ garden variety asshole.  Kenya claims that lack of her mother’s love is not her problem, in fact she had such a wonderful upbringing with the love of a fantastic father!  Raise your hand if you are confused, hasn’t one of Kenya’s main storylines been mending her relationship with her father?  Phaedra looks about as bored as the corpses she embalms.  The prosecution rests, this oatmeal pie face is half-baked.

  1. Papa Smurf on the Prowl

We continue to beat the dead marriage horse and Papa Smurf joins the stage to somewhat defend his position, but not really.  He spends all of his time in Charlotte canoodling with his staff, but hey…he and Cynthia are great!  OHAC whips out his hard-hitting investigative journalism skills and notes that they sound, well “separated”.  Peter actually has the stones to compare himself to a soldier who leaves for duty and doesn’t see his wife and family for months.  As if being away while serving up mozzarella sticks in paper food boats and canoodling with underage bar patrons is somehow the same?  I think Peter is still smoking whatever he bought in Jamaica and was able to sneak through customs up his asshole.

Cynthia supports her ol’ crusty hubby by complimenting his cheating acumen, Peter would be more discreet if he was up to no good.  Porsha keeps pushing after Peter and advises Cynthia that Peter pays his waitresses pennies, er uh… penises, you know…Dick Dollars!  Somehow Kenya gets involved and she and Porsha go at it.  They hurl tasteless insults at each other, something about lying on your back to make a small piece of change.  Porsha says something about a “dry piece instead of wet piece in that ditch”, I have no idea what the hell she means, but it Sounds.  Just.  Gross.  Kenya tells her to shut her mouth “if there’s not a dick in it, you don’t know what you’re saying.”  Porsha snaps back with a really distasteful “What about that dick you tuck every day before you come to work, beyotch!”  Peter exits stage left and makes room for Ayden, which is such an appropriate follow up to that sacrilege!

Stupid mouth

Ayden helps Andy host the show for a minute by asking questions which OHAC whispers in his ear, but then suddenly…out of the mouths of babes…he asks his mama “why are you here and when are you coming home?”  Mama has to make a buck, chile…as OHAC sends him off to raid craft services.

Ayden OHAC

  1. Phaedra Gets Her Groove Back (Chile…she never lost it!)

The next low-light focuses on Phaedra and she is pressing on with her divorce and she will complete her Match.com profile when the paperwork is final.  As a sidebar:  I notice that the set is decorated entirely with all of the items featured in the annual Pier One “teal” catalog.  You know the one…

Anyhoo… Phaedra is on the fence about taking the boys back to visit Apollo in the clink, she said there were inappropriate things going on in the back row, and of course OHAC asks the question we all had on our minds, “like what?!?!”  After the Bravo Intern wiped the drool from his chin with a Jimmy John’s napkin, Phaedra answers the question “someone had their hands in someone else’s pants…ahem…masturbation.”  Isn’t that technically a “hand job”, or in Phaedra speak “digital stimulation”.

Either way, it’s gross and not something Ayden needs to learn.  We need to keep that kid cute and innocent as long as possible!

  1. Party Crashers

The final low-light we will cover is the discussion of Tammy’s nephew…Glen, who Kenya invited to the Miami party house.  Phaedra pretty much called it here by pointing out what we all know, Kenya wanted him around, but when he rebuffed her poor excuse for flirtation, she wanted him out.  Kenya denies, accuses Phaedra of always trying to paint her as a “wanton hussy”.  The ladies don’t disagree that Glen was acting crazier than a bed bug and should have been asked to leave, but Kenya kept pushing the issue, poking the hornet’s nest as Kim called it.  Kenya is always so quick to call security at the sight of an errant coochie crack, but in Miami Kenya kept pushing Glen for a reaction while security was already handling it.

Kandi, of all people, starts defending Kenya because “at the end of the day”, it was Glen who was acting crazy right out of the gate, throwing gang signs at a pregnant woman.  Sigh…at the end of the day…I think Kandi needs a break to hit the dressing room and use her breast pump.

Kandi - defending

Next week Nene makes an appearance in a nude illusion, jewel encrusted, cat suit (someone please show this woman a mirror!)  The house-hubbies hit the couch and Kim Fields shouts “PLAY.  THE.  EFFING.  TAPE.  BACK!”  The supersized part three will be worth it just to see Kim come about as unglued as her wiglette.

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Dramatic Departures

Shamea and Porsha are still pathetically trying to play “Never Have I Ever” and it takes a disturbing turn, an admission to receiving a golden shower by Porsha and She by Shereé!  I can’t pour enough bleach into my brain to erase that thought and Kim can’t take it either.  She slinks away to call her hubby and find out if her kids enjoyed their Spaghettio’s.  We all know that phone call wasn’t necessary, what kid doesn’t like Spaghettio’s?!?!

The drunken ends their boat ride and arrives back at the house.  Kandi is rustled from her quiet evening at home, she is tired, pregnant, and get off my lawn cranky.  Rightfully so, her fellow Army of skanks has dragged home a bunch of random strangers to party into the wee hours of the night.  Kandi and Kim have a seat off to the side of the action and Tammy’s nephew, Glen, starts giving Kandi attitude.  He looks like he smells of a hard mix of taco grease and ass cheese.  I don’t know if he’s hammered, high on Miami bath salts, or both…but this dude ain’t right.

Glen - Kandi

The rest of the girls are in the hot tub and try to lure the strange men over to join them.  Porsha is in full-blown, pedal to the metal, nitro-burnin’ THOT mode and she is twerkin’ for Oliver.  They head over to the shallow end of the pool and Oliver goes ass over teakettle and does the splits.  Kim and Kandi hold up their scorecards and give him an 8.5.  Glen continues to get aggressive with the women in the hot tub and Kenya is pissed that he won’t give her the time of day.  Kenya rallies Kandi into her corner, who supports her feelings about Glen and prompts her to call SECURITY, even using air quotes.

Tammy staggers out of the house with another beer and Kenya asks her to address the Glen issue.  Tammy has no problem telling him it’s time to go, but doesn’t appear as if she can remember what she said one nano-second ago.  Kim has whipped out her Prayer Cloth by Phaedra and whispers a “fix it, Jesus” under her breath.  Porsha actually takes a cue and sends Oliver home.  Of course, having Tammy calmly walk Glen and friend out the door would be too sane, so leave it to Kenya to blow open her box o’ crazy.  She starts yelling to him that he has to leave because he made everyone feel uncomfortable.  She by Shereé and Phaedra are shocked and claim they were fine.

Kenya-Security2

Glen charges at Kenya and calls her a “little bitch”, which I am pretty sure is tattooed somewhere on his body.  SECURITY barrels in, full force and effect, AND THEN…holy jumpin’ crap…Glen actually shoves his aunt Tammy out of the way and throws her down on the marble floor, she is knocked out cold!  She by Shereé starts screaming “call an amb-a-lance!”  SECURITY hog ties Glen and sends him out with the rest of the trash.

Tammy - Fall

The ambulance arrives to check out Tammy, and Kandi and Kenya watch from the safety of their bedroom balcony.  Kandi is up Kenya’s ass giving her props for kicking the men out.  The rest of the gang feels that Kenya threw fuel on the fire and handled it poorly, as usual.  Kenya gets a little shitty with Kim, and heck…like her shirt says “Who Gon’ Kick Me, Boo?”  Nobody, that’s who!  Kim packs her shit and bounces to go lose her mind at the nearest Comfort Inn.  The group hashes it out and when Kandi reveals that Glen got aggressive with her, then the rest bunch comes around to Kenya’s corner.

Kim - kick me boo

The next day, Kandi announces her departure to Kenya, who comes bearing breakfast.  Kandi gladly eats the bacon while informing her that she can’t take it anymore either.  Tammy and Glen apparently hopped the gate and came back to the house, like “Children of the Cornrows”.  The ladies made a spoof horror video of Tammy’s return, mocking her as she stood at the door in her hospital gown and socks.  Cynthia is not happy with them, but of course won’t speak up.

Tammy - Returns

In a “the more you know” moment, Phaedra is crying to She by Shereé because she feels Kenya’s actions have shed bad light on yet another African American man who has done nothing wrong.

The more you know

Later everyone boards the party bus from hell for the day outing driving around on mini-Hummers.  Cynthia decides to call Tammy to check on her, she didn’t have a concussion, just bruises, and her voice has been lowered another octave.

That night, Porsha goes on a date with Oliver, and pretends to be sweet and innocent.  She acts all coy when he goes in for a kiss and rebuffs him, but a second later she is twerkin’ on the table in front of him.  She returns to the house at 1:00 a.m. and wakes everyone up to brag about her uneventful date with a man she will likely never see gain.  They all pile into the same bed like best girlfriends and have a good laugh.  Cynthia is glad they had the “do-over” trip and Porsha calls for a “big ol’ hug and a breast bump”.

Back in the ATL, Kim is safe and happy at home and she catches up with her hubby.  Kim doesn’t trust Kenya and her pot stirring, how does she know Kenya won’t wake up at 2:00 a.m. and say “hey Kim, I don’t like the fact that you roller skated in ‘79, I want you gone!”  They reflect on Kenya’s request for professional collaboration, but Kim isn’t putting up with any foolishness unless Kenya is bringing her “Game of Thrones” type material.

Which leads to… the final showdown at the end of the episode.  Kim and Kenya meet for lunch at a place called “Wine and Tap”, which doesn’t have a liquor license and they don’t even have a damn cranberry juice box for Kim.

Kenya confronts Kim about why she left Miami and insinuates that Kim is struggling with her balancing her home life and senseless trips chock full of soul-sucking manufactured drama.  Kim waves a finger and sets her straight, and quick.  Kim said it wasn’t about missing her husband, but rather she did not feel safe, there were behaviors that crossed the line, and Tammy was thrown to the ground by her own nephew and was injured.  “Let me be clear sweetie, when you provoke somebody and accuse them of things, that’s not something I’m going to take part in.”  Kenya tries to backpedal and say that wasn’t how it happened.  Kim knows Kenya will keep justifying her actions and she gives her an “at the end of the day” speech… she didn’t feel safe so she left.  Kenya appreciates the fact that they smoothed it over and they can show mutual respect and agree to disagree, but I don’t see friendship in their future.  Kim assures Kenya that she doesn’t use her family as an excuse to bounce.  Annnnd Kim wins the round!

Kim - kenya talk

Next week…Ayden is ready for kindergarten and tells Phaedra, “I’m always going to be your baby”…SWOON, and Don Juan’s pink panties are in a bunch.

Commander of the High Seize

Kenya decides to skip up the road a piece to antagonize her favorite neighbor, She by Shereé.  She by Shereé is seen sweeping her front porch since she still doesn’t have the keys to the front door.  Kenya taunts her by running around the unfinished home trying to get inside.  Girrrl-puh-leaze, have you not seen She by Shereé snatch a wig?  Kenya realizes her wig-glue is nearing the bitter end of its 12 hour staying time and she stops the chase to have a serious conversation that ends in a bet to see who moves into their dilapidated broke-down home sooner.

Chateu.jpg

The last to move in has to sweep the other person’s front porch.  Kenya then invites She by Shereé to join the crew on a boat outing on Lake Lanier.  Kenya touts the celebration as some sort of odd, ill-timed, bachelorette party, part two for Cynthia.  Yes, for Cynthia, who is contemplating divorce.  Oh hell, we all know this is a patented Bravo mandated outing to get them all stranded at sea, drunk as “Da fuq”, and fighting like rabid mountain goats.

Meanwhile, across town, Porsha and Phaedra have taken the training wheels off their respective skankmobiles and they meet up for some adult shopping at an eclectic store called “Junkman’s Daughter”.  It’s full of gently used role playing gear, marijuana paraphernalia, and ammo.  Sidebar:  Phaedra looks like she just crawled out of the dollar bin at Goodwill, somewhere… Rachel Zoe is lit-truh-lee die-ing.

Zoe Died

Porsha wants to buy a sexy outfit that will allow easy access to her fish taco in preparation for her Skype sesh with Duke-y puke-y, but Phaedra warns that she is making it too easy for the li’l tyke and should play hard to get.  The “prey is sittin’ there waitin’ to be caught, lyin’ on the bed in her socks!”  Counselor Parks’ words ring true as we later see a stood up Porsha, fretting in her sparkle bra and tartan plaid mini.  Porsha phones Counselor and receives a sage diagnosis, “the thrill is gone, Chile!”  Translation = the boy fled for the hills after that creepy, cheerleader, Lucite trophy presenting party you threw him.  Now put your big girl clothes on and update your Tinder profile.

Phaedra later hosts Kim Fields and children for a play date and Phaedra has a lifeguard on staff so they don’t actually have to watch their kids.  Lawd knows Counselor Parks can’t be gettin’ her weave wet!  The two ladies chat about carpool and making delicate sandwiches sans crust.  When Counselor Parks drills down to the essence of who Kimmy really is, the two find themselves dabbing Kimmy’s tears.  She has no friends, she has lost her identity in being a REAL housewife, (oh the irony!), and her goal in life is to not look or smell like unwashed asshole.  Phaedra suggests they have a day for themselves, “nothing to do with our uterus, but just you and us.”

It’s the day of the boat outing and Kenya has arranged for the gals to travel in two separate shade throwing cars.  Kenya picks up Cynthia and her “stray”, Tammy Browning.  Tammy is a hood-rat who claims she has no idea what “throwing shade” means and she claims that Bob Whitfield (She by Shereé’s ex-hub) is her BFFL.  Then, in a masterstroke of bitchery, Tammy says that She by Sheree is nuthin’ but a gold digger and only married Bob for this NFL cash.  SHADE THROWN!  For a shade throwing rookie, beyotch got a strong arm!

In the other mini-van ride from hell, Kim has a chance to chat with Kandi and discuss how much she admires her bidness woman status and her adult toy line.  Kim is beating around the bush (pun intended) and she asks about Kandi’s “products”.  Kandi encourages her to try the vibrating panties, but Kim doesn’t like wearing underwear.  Kandi suggests starting small, a “tiny instrument”, so as not to intimidate her hubby, but Kimmy’s quandaries continue…she is very LOUD.  Okay…someone get Tootie some social skills…STAT!

Everyone arrives at the dock and Captain Don, Commander of the High Seas, is ready to take the wild mountain goats out for their spin.  The crew starts drinking immediately and heavily, except for Kim and Kandi who do not imbibe.  Kenya is off to a roaring start and could not be a more ungracious host.  She announces to the group that Shamea Morton, (Porsha’s stray) is persona non grata because she was not invited.  However, it’s perfectly fine that her BFFL Cynthia brought stray Tammy, who is creepily annoying and has more disgusting feet than Claw-dia.

Tammy hones in on Kandi with laser focus… “I met you 20 years ago when you were with X-Cape”, “do you have a label?”, “I’ve got to get my son (who is managed by none other than Bob Whitfield) in the studio with you!”  Kandi shuts it down like an illegal day care center – no budget, no discussion.  She by Sheree shows up and the awkwardness between her and Tammy is as thick as Porsha’s corn fed booty.  Tammy keeps talking in her deep man voice and reveals that her hubby is white, in fact he is the “whitest man in America, Nazi white.”  Porsha is like “da fuq?”

DaFuq

Kim tries to sneak away to read her library book and eat her pre-packed snacks, because throwing back countless shots on a speeding boat with a crew prone to fist fights ain’t really her jam.  Kenya catches her, confiscates her library borrowed copy of “50 Shades”, and casts her Ziploc containers overboard.  How dare she bring her mommy snacks when Kenya has catered this lovely affair with pre-packaged dry goods from Trader Joe’s!  The rest of the gang is equally as sloppy and Kenya and Shamea get into it over a towel.  Shamea calls it a “fake towel”, comparing it to the fake products at Kenya’s hair line launch.

Kenya pulls a handbrake turn and puts a screeching halt to any fun being had.  She calls Shamea out about the negative energy she brings and Shamea counters with “okay Miss America”.  Which of course that sends Kenya over the edge, twirling up to the Captain, and she demands to have Shamea escorted off her boat.  Captain Don, Commander of the High Seas, is all like “Da fuq?”

The group elects Cynthia to attempt to talk Kenya down and as she rises to the occasion, Porsha lets off a playful “bitch” to Cynthia, since all of these stupid bitches have been playfully calling each other “bitch” all damn day, but NOW Cynthia decides this “bitch” has crossed the line!  Never mind this “bitch” or that “bitch”, here a “bitch”, there a “bitch”, everywhere a “bitch bitch”, but this particular “bitch” was clearly not uttered in jest and Cynthia has gone full blown, bunny boiling psycho to prove it!  Cynthia clearly needs to take a “woosah” and Kim guides her to the back of the boat and promises to read the tampon scene from her “50 Shades” library book in order to calm the hell down.

The rest of the gang talks Porsha into half-ass apologizing to Cynthia, but the convo sinks faster than Cynthia’s marriage.  Porsha ends up calling Cynthia “fake as f*ck” in her snappy li’l underground railroad voice.  Cynthia attacks her “fake ass chin” (Da fuq?), ET fingers start waving, acrylic nails are poking, and then it gets physical.  Oh but it’s a playful type of thunder-punch you in the throat.  As the ladies grab each other, we are left hanging with “TO BE CONTINUED!”

Cynthia-Porsha Fight

Next week, the deck hand tackles bucking slopopotamus, Porsha, to the ground, Phaedra who wasn’t there appears to take Porsha’s side, and it looks like there will be Cynthia/Porsha face off at another dinner table from hell.