Hey everybody, I don’t know about you, but I find it utterly disturbing the ungodly abomination, heretofore known as Keyna Moore, is the most well behaved this reunion season. I guess I shouldn’t count those chickens before they snap, there are two more parts of this shit show yet to be seen. Let’s get on to the low lights of this week:
Porsha on the Playground – We pick up where we left off, Porsha sulking because she feels bullied in the sandbox. Hey, I’ve got a remedy for that, leave the show. Do not walk off, but storm off with all the reckless abandon of a two-year old. I know she needs the Bravo paycheck, but dayum guuuuurl, if the group treats you that badly then just pour all your energies into emoting on Dish Nation.
Serious Matt-ers – We review the unhinged Matt behavior, there are allegations that Kenya hired Matt to play the role, she allegedly has a new boyfriend, and apparently Matt has a crush on Porsha. The most interesting thing about this segment is that Kenya admits to engaging in sexy time in Matt’s truck, as he alleged in their back-stairwell argument. Phaedra snickers and mutters something to Frack about how Kenya didn’t even have the decency to get a hotel room to smash with her psychotic show boyfriend. Really Counselor Parks? You were responding to booty calls from a felon on an air-mattress. You have no room in your Spanx to talk.
This segues into the revelation of the abuse SBS endured at the hands of her ex, Crazy-Eye sweaty Bob, and the de-kindling of their relationship. SBS reveals that she had never told anyone about the abuse, not even her own mother or her children. Cynthia and her hair deliver a pep talk, “you don’t have to be superwoman and carry all this weight!” SBS can finally release all the pain she’s been carrying and help other women in the process. Hmm…I smell a new cause! In all seriousness, this was a very somber part of the show.
Alternative Phacts – Phaedra is on the hot-seat and all we get here is more proof that she and her timelines are sketch as f*ck. She waffles around about whether or not her divorce is final and insists she didn’t tell the other women about her divorce or that her middle name is “Creonta” because these hags are not her friends. She reveals she paid Apollo $100K as their settlement dictated and she alludes that OHAC hooked her up with Shemar Moore and they may, or may not be seeing each other on an air mattress in the off-hours of the night.
OHAC confronts Phaedra about her notoriously hazy timelines and Phaedra produces her divorce decree, which she had hiding under her hot couch cushion this entire session.
The dates, name spellings, appeals, and contestations still render this evidence inadmissible in reunion court. Beyotch be chock full o’ SHIT!
Kandi alleges that Phaedra keeps calling the city to throw monkey wrenches in the OLG opening schedule. There isn’t enough tittay tape in all of the ATL to piece this friendship back together.
Phaedra and Kenya get into it, then Phaedra delivers the goofiest read ever, “Nobody wants you. You’re like an old condo they converted into a town home.” Given my line of work, this makes me chuckle. She meant to say “you’re like an old apartment converted into a condo.” Idiots everywhere purchase converted properties, but I digress!
The Real Kids of ATL – We take a quick peek down memory lane and review all the amazing children and their growth process. We also get to judge how the housewife hair has evolved, or in some cases, devolved. Takeaways – Noelle reads Cynthia a lot, Riley is about as enthusiastic as I am when I go for my annual pap smear, Kairo still hasn’t gotten his Cargo backpack, and Ayden still deserves his own show.
Next week, Crazy-Eyed Bob joins the group. He is sporting an overgrown beard and he is either sweating profusely all the way through the beard, or he has fallen face first into an open vat of Jheri Curl. There is a Papa Smurf walk off and we finally confronting the malicious rumors about Kandi.