Reunion – Part Trois

This week was all over the map and the only parts worth seeing was the sparkly sheen radiating from the new beard on Bob Crazy Eye and the last five minutes when we learn that Phaedra Parks is the responsible party for taking the shit stirring to a new low, not that any of us are shocked #AlternativePhactsByPhaedra!

House Hubbies – We are joined by Papa Smurf, Marvin (li’l Todd), and Bob Crazy Eye.  Bob either has a new product endorsement deal with Jheri Curl or he doesn’t understand the direction “repeat as needed”, as in, “Trim beard to socially acceptable level of crazy, apply liberally, repeat as needed.”  Bob tries to apologize to SBS again, but she ain’t buyin’ his counterfeit goods.  She has heard it all before and the door has been slammed and nailed shut on any re-kindling hopes they once had.  I don’t think she ever had any intention on getting back together with him.  I think she accidentally packed her Kandi Koated toys in a box labeled “unfinished basement” during the move to Chateau Shereé and she had a weak moment and thought she might let Bob back in the hen house.  Too little, too late Bob.  Oh, and I hope your new beard gets caught in a box fan.

Crazy eye sheen

Papa Smurf and Cynthia are on texting terms and we learn that Noelle continues her relationship with Peter and asks him for advice.  Not sure what type of advice the teen would need…how to single handedly squander your partner’s life-time earnings in two years?  How to get caught on camera giving hickeys to a waitress?  How to fail at every business venture you attempt?

OHAC asks to clarify once and for all, did Papa and Cynthia take one last lap around the pool while vacationing in Hawaii?  Papa answers, if he can’t have all of Cynthia then he wants none of her or her magnificent weave.  Good answer, considering he has clearly had several cocktails.  Cynthia discusses why the marriage didn’t work, it was one hurdle after another and she couldn’t cope with the stress.  Welcome to marriage, baby, where you too can be eternally mad and resentful!  I guess Cynthia was right, she just isn’t the marrying kind.  Cynthia reveals she has gone on one date and is starting the application process, meanwhile, Peter is drunkenly swiping right on his phone and he looks up long enough to let us know that he has a very promising prospect in his snare.

In other relationships careening off the rails, Porsha and Todd are “on pause”.  He got a job in D.C., they generally are not speaking, and they have no plans on proceeding with the baby-nup.  Papa Smurf is salivating, not only for his own peach and tagline, but he is ready to pounce like a Liger on Porsha and Phaedra.  Instead he chooses to take what little dignity he has left and walk off the stage screaming to the Bravo Intern “where the f*ck is da’ drank, DAWG…the f*ck is da’ drank?!?”  Cynthia whips out her laminated wallet card containing her divorce decree, looks heavenward, and whispers “Thank you, Jezzuz!”

SBS Bone Carrier Mess Box – SBS was titled the “bone carrier” this season because she be draggin’ allllll the skeletons outta da’ closet.  Shamea joins the insufferable semi-circle of the damned and we learn that she and Porsha have terminated their friendship contract.  Kenya chimes in a few times and nicknames Porsha “Elvis” due to her sparkly outfit and new pompadour wiglette.  Porsha snarls back with her rehearsed arsenal of zingers, “you propped up those long jugs and think you doin’ somethin’!”  “Toodles Bitch!”  “BYE WIG!”  Porsha apologizes to Shamea for not defending her when Phaedra threw her and Kandi under the bus by way of obscene hand gesture, and for anything she ever did, anywhere, at any time, that made her want to terminate their friend-nup.  Shamea accepts, but goes on record stating the Frick and Frack do not have a real friendship.  It’s merely an alliance based on convenience.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta - Season 9

At that point, Shamea and Phaedra go at it.  Shamea says that Phaedra’s navel is a li’l to the left and she should stop using Groupon for her plastic surgery.  Across the insufferable semi-circle of the damned, Kenya chortles with delight.

Through the Psychological Threshing Machine that is the Rumor Mill – We get into the vicious rumors spread about Kandi.  Kandi admits she has taken a healthy dip in the lady pond a time or two, or three or four… OHAC is a little too interested, he wants exact numbers and a pie chart!  Pun intended.

Phaedra and Porsha keep skirting the issue on semantic technicalities, but I call audible foul.  Porsha maintains she was wearing her beer goggles when she kissed Kandi, asked her to go back to her hotel room, and then engage in an oral transaction to Kandi’s full satisfaction.  Since she and Kandi can’t agree on what actually transpired, Kandi notes that she should’ve taken Porsha up on the offer just to prove the point.  Well, sometimes ya’ gotta take one for the team Kandi!

There is more inane discussion, more demonstrations of inappropriate hand gestures, including a repeat of the index finger into the circled thumb and forefinger and OHAC throws in a scissoring gesture, just for good measure.

At this point the question is posed to Porsha as to why the hell she said those defamatory things about Kandi.  She responds by waxing philosophical about how she is “journalist” at Dish Nation.  And yes, I will “air quote” that right in her lying face!  After everyone gets off the floor from falling down laughing, Porsha announces that she received a cease and desist from Kandi and cannot speak about the alleged “Kandi planned to drug me, drag me down to her sex dungeon, and then rape me with her best-selling Kandi Koated sex toy” rumor.  Porsha deploys the ultimate conversational ripcord when she turns to her BFF and politely asks Phaedra to explain why she said this was Kandi’s intention.  And BAMM!  BLOOP!  SHUT THE PHRONT DOOR!  The Liger is outta the bag.

Kandi - Flip Out

Next week is the explosive conclusion where Kandi loses her shit on Phaedra.  Phaedra has taken “throwing shade” way too far, it’s about to go down like a fat kid on a see-saw!  See you next week!

Returns with Receipt

Kandi and Carmon fluff the pillows to prep for a gossip sesh with the crew, sans Frick and Fraud.  Kandi has also summoned Shamea, so they can get everything all the way out on the table.  Kandi springs the news that Porsha kissed her and offered an oral transaction to Kandi’s full satisfaction.  Cynthia starts screaming, Shamea is chugging from her red SOLO cup, SBS asks “tongue kiss?”, and Kenya falls off of her chair laughing hysterically.

Shamea chugging

SBS sees that Porsha is taking the fall for Phaedra, who was the instrumental in revving up these outlandish rumors, but more importantly, SBS cannot quite wrap her top knot around the fact that Porsha may be a “carpet muncher”.  Kandi continues and lays out another claim made by Porsha pertaining to Kandi and Todd (a.k.a. Marvin) allegedly planning to drug Porsha and Shamea and drag them back to their sex dungeon.  SCREAMING. JESUS. ON. A. FERRIS. WHEEL!  This is a new li’l nugget since last week, and I can understand why Kandi is pissed.  This is her reputation on the line, her family, and not to mention that Kandi doesn’t use drugs or alcohol.  Porsha’s anger management is failing her miserably.  She is still attacking people, but now in different form.

Cynthia freaking

Meanwhile, across town, Li’l Porsha carts a cooler full of her latest cleansing drink over to her sister’s house to rehash and garner support.  Porsha claims she was on beer goggles x 1000 and “blames it on da’ Henney!”  Okay, so you admit you were blind, stinking drunk, but can now clearly recall all these sordid details?  Maybe this lemonade/cayenne pepper cleanse is disrupting her memory, someone get this girl a carbohydrate, STAT!

The next day, Kandi and Todd are workin’ on the OLG, she is hoping to launch in about a month, and Todd has finally showered and changed his clothes.  Kandi is feeling a bit overwhelmed so she decides a trip to unwind with all of her mortal enemies is in order!  Todd, being fully familiar with the Bravo mandated trips of horror formula, invites Papa Smurf and Bob “crazy eyes” Whitfield.  Hell, why don’t you shoot a group text to Matt, Walter, and Kordell while you’re at it?  Maybe Apollo can get a furlough?

In other boring, filler news, Kenya takes her brother, niece, and nephews out for dinner.  The kids head into the bathroom to wash their hands while Kenya informs her brother about Matt’s latest antics.  She hasn’t seen Matt since Charlotte (they are on a break) and she is still making excuses for his violent behavior.  Her brother points out that she doesn’t have time to wait for him to mature and real-life relationships don’t get “breaks”.  So now we see who received the “voice of reason” gene in her family.

Cynthia and Kandi invite Phaedra out for some fish tacos – can we find the irony here?  Kandi invites Phaedra on the trip and informs Cynthia that Papa Smurf will be tagging along.  Cynthia is okay with the arrangement, she will have her own room and maybe she can get her nineteenth dose of “closure”.  I am not sure how much “closure” this woman needs, but it’s beginning to sound like “closure” is their code word for “booty call”.  Phaedra is a li’l wary because that is where she and Apollo honeymooned, so naturally she needs her security blanket, BFF Porsha.  Cynthia asks Phaedra what she thinks about all the Kandi chatter, but Phaedra doesn’t have “a cock in this fight”, so she is happy to sit back and watch her BFF go down like a fat kid on a seesaw.

SBS meets up with Bob “Crazy Eyes” Whitfield, for a quick prison work out.  Meaning upper body only, no bending over or squatting.  Before he even does his first bicep curl, he is sweating like a farm animal.  SBS invites him, his extra strength anti-perspirant, and his compression socks to Maui, but they will not be shackin’ up.  SBS feels the trip will be a good test to see if they can travel together without it being a cluster f*ck.

Phaedra and Porsha meet at a back-alley spa so they can shed some fat cells prior to flaunting their cellulite in Maui.  Porsha shows up looking like she just tumbled out of the 70’s porn section of the local costume shop.  The spa ladies wrap up Phaedra in some used Hefty garbage bags and then swaddle her in an electric blanket like a burrito.  Shit girrrrl, you coulda done this at home!  After Phaedra slithers out of her Hefty bags, she throws on some props to perform a hula dance for Porsha and invites her on the trip.  Porsha hesitates, but then remembers her Bravo contract requires her to attend all of the group trips from hell.  Have Bravo paycheck, will travel!

Phaedra Hula

Everyone is arriving at the airport, but Porsha thinks Hawaii is out of the country and is apparently lost on the underground rail road.  Eventually everyone arrives at the Four Seasons Maui and they disperse to their respective rooms to prepare for the dinner of doom, despite their severe jet lag.  Todd tells Kandi he is not looking forward to dinner “cuz that’s where y’all pop off”.  Spoken like a true former producer!

Porsha arrives at dinner with her own plus one, her new-sorta-kinda-boyfriend/booty call plus program, future baby-daddy, Todd.  Everything is awkward and quiet and Kandi goes into prayer, “Please Jesuzz…don’t let me snap off on dis’ beyotch!”  SBS and her top knot ain’t havin’ it, she breaks the ice and recommends that everyone get their crap out on the table.  She confronts Porsha first about saying slanderous things, but Porsha is sticking to her story.  The conversation escalates quickly and Cynthia points out that Porsha has said many damaging things to the ladies, but doesn’t have receipts to back it up.  Porsha throws a snide dagger her way “your divorce decree is your receipt!”  Well, Kandi don’t play, she comes at the lying bitch with both barrels and produces semi-glossy, full-color, handouts for the group.  A screen shot of the text from Porsha a few days after the aggressive lesbian propositioning.  The text is basically Porsha admitting things got crazy and what happens in Queens stays in Queens – she will deny, deny, deny.

Porsha text msg

Phaedra waves her prayer cloth around in an effort to calm everyone down, but she hears about the latest drugging accusation and is relegated to take several seats.  Kandi tells Porsha she will sue her if she keeps her shit up.  Papa Smurf tries to calm it down, but Kandi is Vaselined up and ready to thunder punch Porsha in the throat.  To be continued…

Next week, Phaedra brings up her idea of holding a “restoration service come to Jesuzz” sesh for the ladies, Kandi and Phaedra face off, SBS and Kenya get into it, and Bob Crazy Eyes and SBS confront their physical abuse rumors.

The Doctor is IN

Kenya and Phaedra are pretending to shop for glamping, as if they are going on a real trip where they will be “roughing it” and roasting marshmallows on sticks.  Meanwhile, the Bravo intern is hard at work constructing a “Survivor-style” set where they can pretend to sit around and argue to provide enough footage for the last 15 minutes of the next episode.  Phaedra calls Kenya out for throwing around her gasoline and matches at the anger mismanagement non-dinner and suggests she take it easy on ol’ Porsha, but the Glamping supply store is fresh out of their “Irrational Skank Compassion Kit.”  Phaedra gives her the “I’ll take that under advisement” side-eye as she pays for a collapsible poop shovel.

phaedra-side-eye

Porsha is contemplating going on the glamping trip from hell, but not without an anger mismanagement tune up.  The therapist checks in on homework assignments and Porsha admits she was tested.  Doc diagnoses her with a flimsy support system at best and encourages her to go on the trip, map out all the possible scenarios that could go down, and then plan her response to each scenario.  This sounds like an awful lotta paperwork to complete in order to go sit in the dirt and eat raw hot dogs.  If she weren’t contractually obligated to go, I would recommend she stay home and try out her DIY vagina resurfacing kit.

Cynthia stops by Moore Manor and offers her friendship-contract, relationship-counseling, wavering-mediator services to Kenya and Matt.  Kenya agrees that Cynthia should have a sit down with him and I am asking myself “why are we still entertaining this relationship?”  I thought we all agreed after he hulked out and effed up Moore Manor and Range Rover, that we were done with him and done replacing garage windows!  Cynthia sits down with Matt, her trusty notebook, and mechanical pencil.  She asks Matt for succinct bullet points, which she can then transform into a convincing Power Point to take back to Kenya.  Communication, respect, and an occasional turkey sandwich is all she gets out of him.  Cynthia alludes to Kenya being a bit of a drama queen, he a drama king, annnnd the Dr. is OUT!  Matt compensates Cynthia for her professional counseling sesh by giving her a crumpled-up coupon he finds in his pocket for a free snack-size hot wing with drink purchase at Bar None.

dr-is-in

Kenya pops in at Cynthia’s new lake house and they cop a squat on the dock overlooking the green water to review the Matt shakedown.  Cynthia is all like – “uh Matt why you keep breakin’ Kenya’s stuff?”  It boils down to lack of respect, and his reaction is in direct response to her action.  Kenya calls bullshit and her weave hairs stand up.  Cynthia points out the dramatics, but Kenya denies “I’m not that girl, I have evolved, I have been ride or die with you!”  I think she may have that tattooed somewhere on her body.  Cynthia explains that she did stand up for Kenya, but Kenya is not ready to receive this message.  It brings her back to a darker time when Cynthia denied their friendship, but labeled it as “evolving”.  Kenya gets madder than a wet hen, questions Cynthia’s loyalty, then storms off.  Precisely proving Cynthia’s point.

kenya-lake

Kandi throws a surprise white party for Shamea’s engagement, but none of the cast-mates received the white memo.  Shamea arrives, but becomes teary-eyed when she learns Porsha won’t be attending.  Kandi takes the cast-mates up to the roof-top deck for a more intimate shade-throwing sesh.  Kandi explains what’s been going on and why Porsha is MIA, then SBS picks this ripe moment to let the cat out of the bag – Phaedra has been running around town saying that Shamea goes after all of the ATL huzzzbands and her BFFL, Porsha, didn’t defend her.  Shamea is like “whatevs!”  If that were the case, she would have hooked up with Apollo because he made many, many attempts at her.  To top off the shit sundae, she says that Phaedra is no “Southern Belle” and word was very heavy on the streets about Ms. Parks.  Shamea makes her own counter-blasting hand gesture, indicating that Ms. Parks is open for bidness and takes oral transactions.

shamea-shocked

Later, Porsha visits Shamea to make up for her absence at the white-party engagement hootenanny, but Shamea feels that with all of Porsha’s anger mismanagement training, she should have put those personal issues in a box and showed her face by Crayola.  Shamea also asks why her BFFL didn’t defend her in the Phace of Phaedra’s trash talkin’.  Porsha plays dumb, and thinks this was all said in the underground railroad where cameras and mics are forbidden.  ROLL.  THE.  MUTHA.  EFFEN.  TAPE!  Shamea seems fairly forgiving, so she lets it go for now realizing her BFFL is dumb as a box o’ peach pits.

It’s the day of the glamping trip, and we are treated to the dueling pre-party snack-spreads of calamity.  Kenya actually puts out a descent spread for the ladies in anticipation of much fortitude required for riding the li’l party bus from hell.

kenya-spread

Over at Chateu She Ain’t Doin’ Shit over there…SBS puts a card table on her front porch with some mini-muffins still in the store-bought containers, a roll of paper towels, lukewarm champagne, and plastic cups.  If I didn’t know any better, I would think she was prepping for the Bad Mom’s bake sale.

sbs-bake-sale

Cynthia arrives at Kenya’s, waving her “it’s all good” white flag in hopes that she hasn’t entered breach of friend contract territory.  Cynthia reassures Kenya that she always has her back, they toast, and make up.  Phaedra arrives and is more preoccupied about the disappearance of Porsha at all recent Bravo-mandated events.  How can she Frick without her Frack?

A few foreclosed lots away, Marlo is first to arrive at SBS and her sad display.  Marlo is wearing a statement necklace, which appears as if it could decapitate her at any moment.  Marlo is not down for glamping, all she has packed are 5” heels and her dominatrix gear.  Porsha shows up, but she has a new Frick in her back pocket by way of sister/manager/peach-holdin’ wannabe, Lauren.  And they are dressed exactly alike in cheap tank tops and cut-off Daisy Duke’s.  Porsha tries to have a chat with SBS, whom she lovingly dubs “Ms. Messy”.  But SBS will not be destroyed, she felt it was only fair to share the gossip with all of America.  SBS holds the peach of truth and will not rest until these crazy beyotches stop talkin’ about each other!

Once they are all aboard the party bus, everyone starts becoming quite miffed about various things.  Kandi has a plus one with her friend Hazel, no one seems to want Marlo around, Porsha labels Phaedra and Kenya the new Frack and Whack, and Cynthia asks why Lauren is there.  Leave it to Porsha to produce a “doctors note”, Phaedra snatches it from her hand and reads it aloud as if it were a joke.  Kandi and Kenya immediately start in, they think Porsha is full of shit.  Phaedra is bummed, they aren’t even outside the city limits and the wheels are coming off the party bus.

Next time – the glamping begins and tensions rise with Marlo and well, everyone.

Confrontation Station

What better way to start the new year than to go see a man about rejuvenating your aging breasteses?  Cynthia heads over to “Dr. Curves”, because that’s the name of a plastic surgeon I would entrust with my life.  Anyhoo… she can’t possibly have this man superficially evaluate her breasts without her loving cast-mates in tow.  They arrive one by one and Kandi is a bit irked because she didn’t anticipate having to see Phaedra fresh off their ill-fated dispute over the inappropriateness of Mama Joyce repeating 50 times that Drama wanted to “blow Phaedra the f*ck up!”

Enter Counselor Parks, the consummate professional.  She keeps it cute and cordial, greeting her mortal enemy is if everything is copacetic.  The ENTIRE GANG wedges themselves into the exam room to witness Cynthia’s consultation, Dr. Jimerson enters and I’m a bit shocked that Kenya didn’t ask him for his personal cell phone number and a house call.  Cynthia challenges the Doc to guess who is fake vs. natural and he pegs Porsha and Kenya as fake, but Kenya insists she is natural and offers the Doc a feel and slips him her Twitter handle.  Cynthia drops her top and Phaedra is alarmingly excited, screaming TITTIES and trying to squeeze them.

kenya-grabbing-boobs

Kandi cops a feel and thinks they are quite nice, as is.  The doc locates a bit of hardening, but for now she has plenty of mileage on the ol’ bags.  Seeing as how she has now mortgaged her soul for the new lake house, Cynthia prudently defers boob maintenance for a few more years.

cynthia-disrobe

Later we learn that Cynthia sold her town home for $655,000 and the lake home is official.  She shows her mom and Mal around and as they sit, gazing out onto the murky lake, Cynthia reflects on the fact that it would have been her 6th wedding anniversary.  They pop some champagne to drink Peter off their minds, however Noelle is missing her Papa Smurf.  Later she meets with her former step-dad to participate in some Hot Yoga.  Peter walks in and tells the instructor he has never done Hot Yoga before, to which the instructor replies “ahhh, fresh meat!”  Actually, he is old meat…old gassy meat.  They do yoga for 90 minutes, all the while Papa Smurf is sweating like a farm animal and ripping some nasty hot, wet farts.  As they walk out, Noelle confides in Peter that she was upset that no one took her feelings into consideration about this whole divorce thingie.  Peter was trying to respect Cynthia’s space, but will make an effort to keep in touch.  They begin to tear up from the methane gas leaking from Peter’s ass and they hot hug it out.

Across town, SBS meets with her interior designer, who shows her a $12,000 bed and a $4,000 chaise, as he uses a sample fabric swatch to wipe the sweat from his brow.  SBS watches him do this and looks at him like “oh no you di’int!”  As she reels from sticker shock and refuses to go back to IKEA, she starts talking baseboards and trim and is ready to throw her housewarming bash, sans dust and tittie sweat.

no-he-didnt

Kandi and Mama Joyce go shopping for diamond earrings for Riley’s 14th birthday and settle on a pair for $3,500, wow.  When I was 14, I was lucky to get a pair of Calvin Klein jeans, back when they cost $50 a pair!  Okay, showing my age…but I digress…Kandi tells Mama about the discussion with Phaedra, but Mama thinks Kandi has been to nice and someone should blow Phaedra the f*ck up.  Later, Riley has an underwhelming reaction to the diamonds, but she is all in on the cake from the A&P and they all eat it right out of the container.  She reveals that Block has called and wants to see her soon.  Kandi thinks she should go alone, but Riley wants her mom to tag along.  Mama Joyce flashes her crocodile grin and offers to go with Riley, now there’s an episode…Mama and Block face off.

kandi-mama-gossip

Phaedra and Shamea decide to insert “yoni eggs” into their vaginas because Porsha wants her vaginal walls “to look like Sheree’s hamstrings, ready to pounce!”  They insert, Porsha narrowly escapes damage to her taint, then they start “exercising”.  Shamea keeps groaning about how “amaaaaaazing” it feels and at one point, we see Shamea performing downward dog in her mini-skirt with the string hanging out from between her legs.  The Bravo intern who failed to cue up the black modesty box should be fired, ASAP.  This.  Has.  Gone.  Too.  Far.  SBS arrives late to the party and wisely claims it’s “that time of the month”, so she cannot partake, besides her lady parts are as tight as her top-knot!   After all the flexing of the vaginal walls, Shamea and Porsha start talking about doing this again, but they should invite Kandi and Phaedra because they are both perverse freaks who love to insert foreign objects into their vaginas.  SBS may be on the rag, but she is always up for stirring the pot.  Her official role this season is to repeat all the damning things she hears, float them out there, and then sit back and watch the shit show.  SBS brings up the rumor about Phaedra cheating on Apollo before he chased her with the power drill, flipped out over a Home Depot bucket of hinges, and then went to jail.  Shamea decides to jump into the cesspool and claims that Phaedra at one time went after her own huzzzband.

yoni-eggs

Later, Porsha and SBS invite Phaedra for the lunch of death to inform her of the rumor Kandi is allegedly floatin’ on da’ streets of the ATL.  Phaedra is sick of Kandi and her “homemade thug employees”.  Then, in a masterstroke of bitchery, Phaedra pantomimes the international hand signal for sexual intercourse and states that Kandi and Shamea are sleeping together, and sometimes they throw li’l Todd into the mix.  SBS calls her a “motherf*ckin’ liar”, but Porsha jumps on this train like the hot mess underground railroad express.  Phaedra gets so excited that her bestie is on board for some good ol’ fashioned slander, that she almost chokes on the lemon seed stuck to her lip gloss.

Naturally, Porsha and her hench-woman SBS confront Kandi about the malicious rumors she has spread about Phaedra.  Kandi goes ballistic on Porsha because she participated in the rumors and knows that Porsha in fact, took the photo of Phaedra that was texted to the mysterious “Chocolate”.  Porsha is weaving a mess as tangled as SBS’s statement necklace.  Kandi is so upset, she must forego tacos, and lawwwwd knows she doesn’t like to miss a meal.  She grabs her bottled water and bolts.

porsha-confront-kandi

Next week, someone is facing a lawsuit and another visit from Maniacal Matt!

Miami Meltdown

Porsha and Kenya have planned a “re-do” of the Lake Lanier debacle and the wildebeests are Miami bound.  Porsha can’t believe she and Kenya are on such good terms because in the past they have been like “oil and vinegar”.  That’s right…they have been acting like douches.

Speaking of that “not so fresh feeling”, this episode is clearly filler for the big drama that Bravo has been teasing where Kenya calls SECURITY on some unwanted guests.  C’mon Bravo executives, give a blogger something she can use… like some Tyson® Grilled & Ready Chicken Chunks or a Tide To Go Stain Eraser!

The gals are off to get their rabies shots and do a little pre-trip instigating, and by this, I mean Kenya setting up Tammy for a brawl.  Kenya and She by Shereé have assembled at Moore Manor where they lay out the game plan, Tammy is Bob’s “best friend” with benefits, she likes to Velcro braids from the Miley Cyrus collection to her head, and she has a past just like everyone else!  Stage set!

Cheers

The Louis Vuitton luggage is unloaded at the ATL airport and we get a chance to see Tammy’s husband, who is white, preppy, and clean cut.  Of course, Kenya is already eyeing him up.  Cynthia pledges to put her “best foot forward”, pun intended!  Kim is leery about leaving her family for three days.  On the party bus from hell, they decide to work out how rooms will be assigned and Kim suggests it go by “most famous”, but they give Kandi the master suite since she is pregnant.

Porsha sent her minion Shamea “shimmy shimmy cocoa puff” to the venue ahead of time to prep the house prior to the gang’s arrival.  The place is pretty amazing, but I am distracted by Phaedra’s romper.  It looks the used remnant bin at the fabric store threw up all over her body.  While Shamea is busy walking around half nekkid and Phaedra is taking selfies with her ham hock leg up in the air, Kim decides to lay claim to the living room so she can sleep on the rented chaise, watch the big screen television, and have an ocean view.  Tammy invades Kim’s area and Kim quickly realizes she will need to fashion a door out of the bath mat.  In Kenya’s lair, she takes the opportunity to thow shade on Tammy and does an impression of her waddling around swilling a Corona.  Cynthia admits she is quirky and weird, but she prefers that over mean, nasty, and shady as hell.

Kenya wastes no time stirring the pot, she tells She by Shereé that Tammy said nasty things about her and she drops the “gold digger” bomb.  She by Shereé thinks Tammy must be jelly because Tammy’s baby daddy didn’t put a ring on it.

So Jelly

She by Shereé reveals that Tammy and Bob hooked up…well, DUH!

Duh

Shamea finally puts on some clothes and makes a rather horrid choice from the Miley Cyrus collection.  It’s some sort of white dress with neon green overlay that looks like underwear.  Meanwhile, Kandi is ready to go and she is gettin’ cranky because the posse is late for dinner.  Them chicken fingers ain’t gonna eat themselves!

Once at dinner, Kim makes an announcement that she may be roller skatin’ on out because she has never spent more than one day away from her family.  And by gosh, she is just “too famous” for this crowd.

Kenya compliments Tammy on her husband “looking cute”, Tammy refers to him as “CWB”, cute white boy and they have been together 13 years.  She by Shereé casually leans over, as if she is going to say, “pass the chicken finger platter”, but instead she confronts Tammy about the alleged Bob problem between them.  Tammy chokes on her mac-n-cheese and explains that Bob was being portrayed as a deadbeat dad in the press during the messy divorce and She by Shereé doesn’t miss a beat, “have you seen copies of cancelled checks?”  BAM!

Tammy explains she was just being protective of her friend, but leave it to She by Shereé to put her balls on the table and straight up ask Tammy if she was being so protective because she slept with Bob.  Tammy has officially soiled her underpants at this point and she pretends to be appalled by the question.  She by Shereé confirms that Bob mentioned Tammy’s name as one of his conquests.  Tammy says she is not attracted to Bob at all, he is so gross and who would ever want him, oh and she didn’t even realize there would be any drama between her and She by Shereé?  Have ya’ seen the show, Tammy?

Tammy wants to know where She by Shereé heard all this insanity and the finger points right to Kenya.  Kenya back pedals, front pedals, side steps, and twirls.  Kim is appalled that “grown ass women” are talkin’ like this” and she throws out some “food for thought”… “there is a difference between information and instigation.”  Keyna thinks Dr. Kim can stuff it back in her afro and Kim shoots Kenya a look that says “I SEE WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT, BEYOTCH!”  They wind the dinner up and as they board the party bus, Phaedra is using Tammy’s braids as reigns and they are galloping like horses.  HA!

The next day, the group plans to spend the day on a yacht.  As the ladies ready for the outing, Kim and Phaedra discuss the drama from the night before.  Kim feels there’s a better way to discuss things.  Phaedra tells Kim that Kenya is “messy boots” and Kim will learn the hard way.  Meanwhile, Kenya and She by Shereé rehash in their own way, how dare Kim come for Kenya, when Kenya clearly did not send her twirling monkeys for her!  Conclusion drawn:  Kim Fields has no place in this insane HO posse.

Phaedra is dressed in a red cover up that she ran through her Office Max shredding buddy a few too many times.  Alas, Porsha is wearing something similar, they must have hit the “Forever 21” slut section together.

Shredded outfits

Kandi takes a pass on the boat trip due to doctor’s orders for her to stay out of the heat.  WISE MOVE, and Kim probably should have offered to stay behind with her and give her an energizing leg massage.  The ladies board the yacht, get hammered, dance around half nekkid, and SHOCKER… Kim is horrified.  They arrive at a bar to keep drinkin’ up and Kim orders a juice box.  Porsha immediately picks up some rando dudes, because hey…she usually prefers her coffee black, but she can go for some “latin spice”!

Kim goes off by herself to have a melt down and Phaedra swoops in to comfort her.  Kim is struggling to “find herself” and she isn’t fitting in with the group.  Ummm…Kim, NEWSFLASH…that’s a good thing!  Kim would rather be vacationing with her family and she’s not comfortable hanging out with a bunch of slutbags.  I am wondering if Kim has a touch of child star-itis, in that she never cultivated friendships growing up and now she has no clue how to have adult friendship outside of her mate.  Counselor Parks gives her a good ol’ “at the end of the day, it is what it is” speech and notes that she would miss her hubby too if he wasn’t such a reprehensible person with no sense of propriety, decency, or discretion.  Phaedra is giving it her best shot trying to relate to Kim, she really does struggle, y’know, on Father’s Day and ummm…when light bulbs go out around the house.

Kim Crying

Kim appreciates her and Phaedra’s “budding” friendship and they return to the group.  The gang is already eating lunch and they didn’t even make room for Kim and Phaedra, so they have to sit separately… again, not a bad thing.  Tammy has disappeared but resurfaces with her nephew, Glen and his friend Jaron.  Kenya is already eyeballing Glen and they find out that Glen is a wannabe NBA player and he kept the bench warm for the Wizards last season.  Porsha and Shamea invite their additional random strangers back to the house.  Cynthia makes a prudent move and decides it’s time to switch to water, while Porsha has the brilliant idea to play the drinking game, “Never Have I Ever”.  Kenya snaps her fingers at Glen and asks him what his name is again, to which he takes great offense.  I am sure this is the lead up for next week when we hear Kenya wailing…“SECURITY!”