It’s been a few weeks since we’ve checked in with our juicy peaches, and this episode feels like the sluggish holiday aftermath. You know the one, that feeling you get from eating nothing but sugar and cured meats for two weeks… Anyhoo, the main theme is the PSA on domestic violence and Kenya is in the driver’s seat. SBS saunters in with her latest wiglette from the Wigs-n-Cigs dumpster fire collection. Seriously, someone needs to burn this wig and terminate the stylist, STAT.
SBS wants producer cred on this PSA, but Ms. Moore-Daly is about to slam on the brakes and eject SBS from the passenger seat. She offers SBS an “intern” position and I half-hoped for another “who gon’ check ME BOO!” moment, but my hopes were dashed quicker than a blink of a false eyelash.
While these two iron out the details – not much else is really poppin’ in the ATL. Nene is dressed as Mrs. Roper, circa 1978 and welcomes Marlo for a tiny bowl of chips and jarred salsa. These two have buried the hatchet and drafted a brand spankin’ new BFFL contract. Marlo is twisting Nene’s bun to get her to attend a tea party, whereby they will sit Porsha down and hash out the tension. Nene is only willing to participate if Porsha eats some crow and admits fault. Sorry Nene, a few li’l loopholes here – first, Porsha is baby vegan and will eat no crow, and secondly you are contractually obligated to attend this fake-make-up sesh and pull your 82 specialty faces. See BFFL contract Article IV, section K (b) 3. BLOOP!
Cynthia is cookin’ up a frozen Trader Joe meal in a pan and Noelle drops in to throw some shade about Cynthia being too old for spin class, and she looks genuinely astonished that Cynthia even knows how to turn on the stove. Will calls while this exchange is taking place and Cynthia turns into a flustered school girl. He tells her he’d love to come by for what she’s cookin’, but only if there’s some turkey in there and Cynthia immediately offers up the whole Thanksgiving turkey. Cynthia – have we taught you nothing?! What happened to playing the field, TITTY CENT?? More on that later…
Cynthia gets a text from Marlo to invite her to the tea and as she reads it aloud, Noelle delivers the best line in all of housewives franchise history EVA – “Mom, you’re so weird!” WORD!
Kandi and Todd are at the OLG restaurant, floating around, talking to customers, pretending to care. Basically all the restaurant staff is related to Kandi, including Block’s daughter from another mama and 13 cousins thrice removed. The actual OLG’s arrive and they are ready to air some grievances. Todd takes them to the side before Mama Joyce whips out her Wal-Mart Wedgie of Death and Destruction, although a reenactment of that scene might do wonders for bidness! Mama Joyce leads the charge and I’m not kidding you, it takes her Paleolithic eons to get out the sentence stating they don’t like the location of the hostess stand. Aunt Bertha clutches her purse to her chest in anticipation, “we gonna be all night.” Bertha doesn’t like the cooks wearing dirty pants with their shirts hanging out and they want the hostesses in uniforms. It’s cute that Kandi and Todd allow the OLG to think they have actual input. Kandi summons the Bravo intern, who can correct all these issues in a tight 15.
Later we learn that the GM of the restaurant couldn’t hack working with the dysfunctional octogenarian set, and basically Don Juan and Todd are holding things together with prayers and chewing gum. They interview a General Manager candidate, Aaron Buggs, who arrives dressed like Urkel. Aaron is impressive and has done his homework. He proceeds to give them a full statistical breakdown of their unsatisfactory Yelp reviews, they all nod and smile, but Don Juan wants to know if he can handle the “intense personalities” – this means you, OLG! Aaron doesn’t “bugg” under pressure (see what I did there?), but Todd knows that Mama Joyce “ampin’ on someone” will be the true test.
Porsha and Rickey Smiley are sniffing each other like two Chihuahuas at a dog park. ‘Nuff said. Marlo calls Porsha to make sure she’s attending the tea party/ambush. Porsha wouldn’t miss it for the world, she and Marlo bonded over boogers on San Fran trip!
SBS is hanging out at the Chateau, wearing her home-made deep V cutout Wal-Mart sweatshirt, dutifully writing out her grocery list. Kandi drops by to stir up some shit for good measure, Nene said Tyrone is a con-artist. Well… Phacts by Phaedra! SBS refutes Nene and Gregg both have mug shots, so glass houses and all. Not sure why we need this scene other than to see SBS gettin’ crafty with her wardrobe.
It’s the day of the big tea confrontation and Cynthia’s boob flies out of her dress, hence the “Titty Cent” moniker. Cynthia immediately exclaims that the tea tastes like vodka and cranberry and I think “now we’re gettin’ somewhere”, but this confrontation really never has lift off. I was ready for Nene to read Porsha for filth, but a 12 year old tween has taken over her body and all she can come up with is “you didn’t text me back, TWICE!” The Bravo intern must have forgotten to lay out Nene’s Geritol, her heart just isn’t in it. Nene gives her the half-assed IDGAF apology and the decide they won’t be friends, EVA.
Finally, it’s the PSA shoot day, and it’s tough to snark on the last 15 minutes of the episode. Shamea and Cynthia’s mother share their stories and it’s an emotional day for all. Cynthia gives her mother a kiss on the cheek and tells her she is so proud… oh this gives me ALL the feels…
Kenya is getting agitated at SBS being extremely late, but when she reaches her by phone, she finds out SBS was rear ended in a car accident. SBS already has bulging discs, but she’s a trooper and makes it to the set to deliver her lines. The show must go on!
Next week – women sit down with a medium, and I can only hope for an electronic cigarette, repeat of Allison DuBois, a la RHBH! Wigs-n-Cigs returns to confront Nene.