Unnecessary Trouble

Assuming the viewers have a holiday hangover, Bravo aired a real snooze-fest of an episode, except to set up some future drama and establish that Don Juan is thirsty for his own peach, wears pink panties, and tampons.  More on that later…

Kenya is experimenting with online dating.  She posts a 1982 photo of herself on Tinder and decides to hit the gym in some hideous red leggings with brass button booty pockets.  As if she needs to draw attention to that ass, which doesn’t even register on the Kardashian size scale.  Marlo “Check my Charges” joins her for the workout and prompts Kenya to accept a date from a fine, albeit much younger, piece of meat.  The prospective date doesn’t quite meet Kenya’s lengthy list of qualifications for a mate, but he’ll do.  Kenya, need we remind you that you are 45 years old?  You are not entitled to lengthy requirements such as “looks like Matthew McConaughey, half-horse/half-man.”  Kenya dresses somewhat appropriately to attend the basketball date, but it ruffles her weave and she decides she won’t be accepting a second date.  Umm…I’m not sure he even asked!

Cynthia receives some “just because I love you” yellow friendship roses from Papa Smurf, an indication he is really upping his game.  He drove all night from Charlotte just to take her on a romantic lunch date in the park.  He hired a local artist to sketch them as they ate cold jalapeno poppers and wings with coagulated ranch dip out of a to-go container from Sprorts One.  The artist reveals his sketch at the end of the lunch and they both look like possessed evil demons hatched from a boil on Satan’s ass.

In Phaedra land, Apollo’s friend Bun stops by for a visit and he comes bearing gifts for the boys.  Phaedra sends the boys on their way to “go play” so that she and Bun can reflect on Apollo’s power drill, bucket-o-hinges, crazy garage freak out.  If I heard them correctly, we learn that Bun was a former cellmate of Apollo’s during his first incarceration.  Later, Phaedra drives Ayden to his first day of Kindergarten.  The kid is too cute for words, he is wearing a bow tie and saying “check please”, as if he is a high-society southern gentleman trying to impress his date at the finest McDonald’s in the ATL.  During the car ride to school, Ayden admits he is a bit scared and he is going to miss his mom because he wants her to go everywhere with him.  That will wear off li’l man…give it time.  He tells her he will always be her baby…SWOON!

Ayden - Baby

Porsha continues to delude herself into thinking that Oliver in Miami wants anything other than a slice of her ham hock booty.  They set up a Skype sesh, but all Oliver cares about is seeing down the front of her “house dress”, which is a backless black number with a plunging neckline.  She asks Oliver if he’s ready for a relationship, there is a long pause, some crickets chirping, buffalo grunting, and then Oliver’s audio conveniently breaks up.

Kandi has produced a song with a leftover from last season, Demetria McKinney.  The two ladies meet with Demetria’s beau, Roger Bobb and he is ready to shoot a music video.  The ever-supportive Don Juan voices concerns about Kandi performing in the video due to her weight and age, but then quickly plays the “high-risk pregnancy” card before Kandi thunder punches him in the throat.

While being prepped for the video shoot, Kandi can’t even sit through hair and makeup without an order of chicken fingers.  Todd arrives on his hover board to offer support, but we all truly know he just wanted to play with his hover board.  The wardrobe team drapes Kandi in a purple mumu to hide her baby bump and she wears thigh boots worn by Rainbow Brite’s understudy.  Once they get her on stage and fire up the wind machine, the mumu barely covers her cervix.

Kandi - Video

What better excuse for a party than the “Unnecessary Trouble” music video launch!  Kandi is hoping the party goes well and Todd is hoping Phaedra shows up with a check!

Kim Fields, getting significantly less air play this week, shows up to the launch party in leather hot pants and hooker boots.  Kenya throws some shade, “she looked like a confused prostitute at Disney World.”  I’m happy to see Kimmy get a li’l wild and branch out from her Mrs. Roper wardrobe collection.

Kandi gives an intro before the video premiere and she discusses pitfalls of mixing friendship and bidness, but Demetria showed up with a check, so they all good.  Phaedra interprets this to be a thinly veiled message directed at her and decides to grab Porsha’s drink and slam it down.  The crowd goes wild over the lackluster video, but that’s what the extras are paid to do.  While Phaedra exits stage left, she congratulates Kandi and asks Todd to stop by her office sometime.  Outside, Phaedra vents to Porsha and Shamea, and Porsha becomes more riled up about it than she did when Cynthia delivered a kick to her cooter.  Don Juan pretends to hear them gossiping about his “people” and he sidles up and gets in Porsha’s face.  Phaedra excuses herself and notes that Don Juan needs to have several seats.  As the ladies trail off into the parking lot, Porsha says about Don Juan “go home and change your tampon.”

Porsha - yell at don

Next week – Todd and Phaedra finally hash out the money issue.  Kenya faces her father.  Kandi and Porsha face off.

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Crazy Eights

This week, Claudia’s “struggle toes” reveal themselves and well…they ain’t cute.  Her handsome podiatrist diagnoses her with an advanced case o’ da’ corns and a bunion, which will require surgery and a surgical boot for two weeks.  Since the gals are headed out on an all-expenses paid trip to Puerto Rico (Courtesy of Demetria via Roger Bobb’s mythical wallet), Claw-dia (get it?) decides to forgo the surgery and will bury her falcon toes in the Puerto Rican sand.

Claudia-Feet

Kandi meets Demetria for lunch so she can apologize for the Goche-bomb dropped at the dildo party (because that’s something that never happens at a gathering of this group).

Dropped Bomb

Demetria is very cool about it because she is more interested in kissin’ some Kandi ass.  She proclaims her love and respect for Kandi, calling her a “Mogul” and then suggests they collaborate on something.  Kandi quickly refers to recent case law “Burruss vs. Wigs-n-Cigs”, which prohibits Kandi from working on any project with anyone in the ATL housewives ring of stolen profits.  They continue on to discuss Kandi’s sex toy line… only in the ATL does a lunch conversation over fish tacos wrap up with a consolation prize of remote controlled vibrating panties and the phrase “hold it under his balls.”

Meanwhile, Cynthia is hard at work at the Bailey Agency for Wayward Models when her new BFF, Kenya, shows up to discuss assistance with hiring an assistant.  Kenya needs an assistant because shit-pot-stirring is a full time job!  This whole meeting of the mind (yes, that is singular) is merely a front so these two can firm up their anti-Nene alliance and trash talk her privately (on national television), prior to reporting for duty at the dinner table of death in Puerto Rico.

Nene and Phaedra drop by a studio to confirm that Demetria can actually sing.  They sit down for a pow-wow and the subject quickly turns to Roger Bobb, who by the way, will not be in Puerto Rico.  If we hadn’t seen Roger Bobb taking a fake meeting with Kenya a few episodes ago, I would think he didn’t exist.  Demetria reassures the gals that she confronted Roger Bobb about the gauche Gocha incident, but he pulled a Ross Gellar from “Friends”.  He clarified that his indiscretion with the Smurf-haired Gocha was during a time when “they were on a break”.  Nene and Phaedra roll their eyes in unison and Nene offers Demetria some sage advice “the dog chases the cat!”  Phaedra, with dogged determination, begins drilling Demetria about her career.  She sounds like Simon Cowell… “Who are you?”  “Who is Demetria as an artist?”  “What genre is ‘me’?”  “Aren’t pop stars younger?  You should be doin’ gospel by now!”  They continue to discuss the eight long years that Demetria and RB (Roger Bobb) have been on-again off-again and Phaedra “the hammer” Parks continues to pound… “Eight years, what are you waitin’ for, a liver transplant?”  Demetria defends her relationship, RB knows that she is “itchin’ for something more” to which our deft Phaedra replies “well just as long as it’s not bacterial vaginosis, CHILE…”  They wrap up their review of Demetria’s IMDB page and Phaedra learns that Demetria played a crack head in “House of Payne” and asks if Demetria has ever done crack, because everybody knows that they put gerbils up their butt in Hollywood, so doing a li’l crack is nothing.

Nene-Phaedra-Visiting Demetria

The Hot Mess Express delivers the girls to Puerto Rico in teams, first we have Team Beauties consisting of Cynthia, Kenya, Claudia, and rookie Demetria.  Team Beasts is Phaedra, Porsha, and Nene (or shall we say NayNay, because her unhinged, hood-rat, alter ego is the one actually on this trip), and rounding out the trifecta is Team Neutral:  Kandi, party of one!

As the ladies are arriving and grumbling about the smallness of their boutique hotel rooms, we are treated to a variety of scenes, but the most important is Demetria’s “divide and conquer” strategy when it comes to Phaedra.  She briefs Kandi and Porsha first, stating she “can’t get a fix on Phaedra”.  Of course, Kandi defends her BFF and shoots Demetria down like an asteroid.  Demetria then turns to Team Beast, who she deems “the fun group”, and Kenya spoon-feeds Demetria the straight dope on our resident southern belle and suggests that Demetria confront shady Phaedra as soon as humanly possible.

Demetria-Plea

NayNay and Phaedra arrive later and while NayNay whines about the size of her room, Phaedra straps on her magnifier reading glasses and has them turnt up to atomic blast.

Phaedra-reading glasses

First, she insults Demetria’s stylist, “Oh you’re the stylist… now this you’re on point with”.  Clearly irked by the emphasis and tone on the word this, he waits for Phaedra to leave, gives a twirl that Kenya would be proud of, and calls Phaedra “late, old, and dry.”  Later, NayNay and Phaedra visit with Porsha the dumbass in hopes to trade rooms, but all Porsha has to offer is the fact that Demetria feels somekindaway about Phaedra.  I reckon Porsha was just hitting her cue, we needed to have the beef on the table before the impending mandatory group dinner of doom.

Porsha-Dumbass

At said group dinner, Demetria wastes no time diving into the beef and she confronts Phaedra straight away about the tactless line of questioning about RB and her career.  Phaedra’s plays the “I’m just being honest”. keepin’ it 100 defense, which is about as worn out and tired as the thighs of an old hooker.  In response, Demetria hands her a mathematically challenged, one two punch, “the only thing we have in common is the number eight”, referencing the length of Apollo’s prison sentence and the length of time Demetria and RB have been together (albeit forgetting to carry the one and subtract the pesky li’l breaks!)

The beef between Phaedra and Demetria continues, but we only hear them caterwauling in the background because NayNay starts making cracks and Claudia will no longer hide her hammertoes in the sand.  She dives on NayNay, the “founding father of shadiness” in her “George Washington wig”.  At the other side of the table, Cynthia tries to facilitate an apology between Demetria and Phaedra, then NayNay goes off on her for meddling.  Claudia pipes up and notes they are being bitchy and catty, they need to put the issues on the table, and resolve them like grown ass women.  Oy, Claudia, have you not seen this show?  NayNay labels Claudia as the wanna be “it” girl, “you got the I, but you are missing in the T, proceed with caution.”

Claudia-Disgusted

As NayNay and Claudia trade insults about educational backgrounds, former stripper careers, uncooked hot ramen noodle wigs, having edges at a certain age, half-breed whores, and female body parts that rhyme with Dolores, Kandi comments that Claudia is reading NayNay like hooked on phonics!  Which she is, and props to Claudia for speaking up.  Next week the reading continues, we find out if the damn southwestern eggrolls make it to this dinner table, and the rest of the Puerto Rico trip continues to disintegrate.

Bad Vibes

We start this week with Cynthia and Peter visiting their prospective location for the revamp of the ill-fated Bar One.  They have found an old building that, according to their realtor, is right next to an old funeral home that housed the body of Martin Luther King Jr.  Cynthia takes this as “a sign”, but I take it as “a sign” that maybe he attended the same history class as Porsha.  Cynthia swoons over the outdoor area that looks like it was housing an illegal orphanage, but even though the place is a hot mess, Cynthia sees the dim light at the end of the tunnel.

Meanwhile, at a successful business, Kandi has a brief meeting with Claudia at the Kandi Factory and Claudia is clearly networking and trying to find her footing in this established ensemble of full blown bat shit cray cray.  Kandi tells her that Kandi Koated Nights will be making a comeback and she invites Claudia to be a guest.  On the show premiere night, Claudia asks the Production Assistant fetch her some wine with very specific instructions, “fill it up all the way to the top, don’t be stingy on that!”  The topic of the show is bidness vs. pleasure and Kandi notes that she and Todd have a hard time finding a balance, they are always talking bidness in the bedroom.  Kandi hints at some illicit activity between Claudia and former co-worker Jaimie Foxx, but Claudia insists they were like brother and sister.  They play a little gamelette called “What would you do for the right price?” and Claudia will only go as far as a make out sesh with Kandi for $500, luckily this is all hypothetical.

Claudia-Wine

Phaedra is wandering around on her driveway with some contractors to discuss the installation of a fence, preferably electrified with enough juice to jolt an intruder with the white hot heat of 1,000 suns (this means you, Apollo!)  Apollo must sense the jig is up and the locks are about to be changed, because he rolls up off the streets and starts acting like he’s part of this home improvement decision.  The ATL skies start to sprinkle and Phaedra takes her cue, she must get inside because she is “all sugar” and will surely melt.

Phaedra-Fence

Later, Phaedra is hard at work at her jobsssss, she heads off to an event where she will be recognized by the National Bar Association as one of the top attorneys in the nation, or something.  Seeing as how we don’t see much of Phaedra’s lawyering skills, aside from the case of She by Sheeree’s divorce proceedings and the recent hairburglar case, it’s hard to imagine she would be receiving such a high honor.  At any rate, Phaedra says she contemplated declining the award, but her “at the end of the day” speech reveals that she will not let her personal life disgusting, felon, taco-meat chest haired, no good, ne’er do well husband tarnish her professional life.

Kenya and her Aunt Lori (her personal Iyanla) visit a spa to have some cereal put on their faces and drink plant-based green smoothies.  There isn’t much to this interaction other than Kenya taking the opportunity to put Nene on blast for having extensive plastic surgery and to receive some praise from her Aunt Loriyanla for pretending to be the bigger, better person for smoothing things out with Porsha and Nene.  About as smooth as that facial…

Kenya-Facial

Nene is busily ordering around her man servant hubby Gregg, and she has unchained him from the toilet long enough to sift through all of her boxes from Overstock.com.  While Gregg toils away wondering if African soap is only for Africans, Nene gets a call from her manager and he lays out three Broadway opportunities for her:  Chicago, Rock of Ages, and Cinderella.  Nene doesn’t like the idea of being the “wicked step mother” in Cinderella because she is truly delusional such a nice person.  Her agent encourages her to step outside the box, push out of her comfort zone, oh and by the way…it will be a nice check.  Nene is no longer Donald Trump rich bitch, she is Broadway Cinderella rich!

Nene-Cinderella

Kandi is prepped and ready for the Bedroom Kandi party, where only ladies are permitted.  No men allowed, in light of the especially disastrous “Pillow Talk” event, where Apollo beat a defenseless Brandon within an inch of his Gucci loafers.  Nene, who is not even wearing one of her patented “cold shoulder” tops, is certainly dishing out the ice.  She snubs Kenya and compares her to a drunken “one night stand” and she dismisses Claudia as if she were the hired help.  Claudia pulls Nene aside to confront her, but Nene brushes it off as “that’s just Nene” (i.e., why yes, I am an asshole) and Nene also claims that Claudia associates with people she doesn’t like (i.e., everyone else living and breathing in society).  Kandi has a “sexologist”, Dr. Rachel Ross, who will facilitate this strange get together and she wants to start with an ice breaker bondage game.  Confirming their increasingly tenuous relationship, Cynthia and Nene refuse to participate, so Dr. Rachel bonds Claudia and Nene together, which they both tolerate.

Next, the ladies talk about their relationships and Demetria introduces herself and states that she has been off and on with Roger Bobb for seven years, she would accept a honey nut Cheerio glued to a twist tie for an engagement ring if only he would ask, oh and his man parts are exquisite.  WTMI.  Kandi’s friend, blue haired Gocha, chimes in right on cue… she dated Roger Bobb as well, and not that long ago.  When Roger was in Vegas with Demetria, he informed Gocha that Demetria was “just his artist.”

Goche

Demetria looks like the cheese just fell off her cracker and she and her Overstock.com pant suit walk out, with Cynthia trailing.  Nene, the soul-crushing relationship expert, points out to the group that dating for seven years is a red flag, especially when you are 40 years old.  Outside, Demetria insists Gocha is lying about her exquisite Mr. Bobb.

Back inside, Dr. Rachel unintentionally provides a pixelated, multi-racial dildo metaphor – and we see that relationships are not always black and white.

Dildos

Next week, Claudia’s ugly feet make an appearance and the girls go to Puerto Rico and bash each other’s relationships.

Side Bobb

We start this week with Kandi and her continued family drama.  This week, Aunt Nora is carrying her oversized purse everywhere she goes while hosting a cookout for her notorious granny gang.  Kandi and Mama continue to ice each other out over the fact that Mama’s man tore up Kandi’s old house.  There is a lot of ol’ lady bitchin’ in the kitchen, but the only thing that grabs my attention here is that Kandi has a cousin named “Weenie” who’s gettin’ all up in Kandi’s grill under the meat tent.  Kandi and Mama finally sit down in the living room and Kandi actually has to read back some damning texts to Mama in order to remind her of what she typed in her latest irrational stupor.  Realizing she is on full-blown blast, Mama reverts to her medicinal safe haven with her medicinal Wal-Mart wedgie murder shoe.  Mama is on somekindameds to prevent an aneurism.  Hence, Kandi backs off, they agree not to fight, and have a non-forced hug.  (More on forced hugs later…)

Cynthia is at the Bailey Agency for wayward, slow-walkin’ models when Demetria McKinney shows up.  She is apparently an old friend of Cynthia’s and she hopes they can drum up some profitable bidness.  Demetria has an upcoming music video release party and she needs models for the event.  Cynthia and Demetria lay the groundwork for the latest drama by discussing the status of Roger Bobb, who is Demetria’s manager and boyfriend of eight years.  Cynthia notes that she and Peter have know Roger for a decade and have never known him to have a significant other longer than a fortnight.  Demetria said they had to lay low because Tyler Perry wasn’t havin’ any romance on the set of “House of Payne.”  Cynthia mentions she will also invite her new BFF Kenya, to the video release party, but Demetria already seems to have an issue because of a photo that was taken long ago with Kenya and Roger.  It was splashed all over the blogs and rumored that Kenya and Roger were together.  Blogs?  Really, who is reading “the blogs”???

Later, Kenya is at her own photo shoot while Cynthia supervises.  Given her renewed passion for acting, Kenya figures new publicity photos are in order and Cynthia is full of pointers… “move your hand over a little bit, it’s too close to your coochie.”  Where was Cynthia’s advice when it came to Kenya’s clothing?  Kenya is wearing an iridescent bronze pleather onesie that looks like the remnants of a soiled couch from the Studio 54 dumpster.  Claudia is not looking much better, she shows up dressed like Captain Planet Bananas.  She fights her mortal enemies off with her slick banana peel cape, causing them to slip and plummet to their deaths!

Claudia-Banana

Kenya has a moment of delusion and compares the trio to the “Sex and the City” ladies, Cynthia being Charlotte, Kenya being Carrie, and Claudia being Samantha…if Kenya is akin to anything from “Sex and the City”, it would be aging socialite Bitsy von Muffling.  Claudia brings up this event that Roger Bobb invited her to and Kenya jumps all up in it saying “he’s a good catch!”  Cynthia puts the kibosh on it right away and informs them Roger is spoken for.  Kenya is stunned to learn of this because apparently Roger gets around.  They are all invited to Demetria’s event, but Cynthia warns that the old photo of Kenya and Roger may be a problem with Demetria.  Kenya simply cannot respond to every false rumor out there on “the blogs”, it would take her as much time to respond as it would for some girls to grow their edges back.”  SHADE ALERT:  “I’m not naming any names Nene, I’m not.”

Meanwhile, Nene doesn’t give a shit about her edges because she’s busy at HSN Headquarters, where she arrives with her personal beyotch husband, Gregg.  Nene and her gays size up the new Nene clothing collection to ensure proper styling.  If she has gay men on her staff, why the hell didn’t they slap her and rip off that burnt-up, fried, dyed, and on the side, irregular wig?  ICYMI:

Bye Wig

Nene has a prime spot on HSN, midnight to 4:00 a.m., when the shoppers are good-n-hammered with their credit cards strewn across their coffee tables.  She touts the same drapey, peekaboo shoulder shirt for an hour and a half.  She bitches about being tired every chance she gets, but peps up when she receives news that her hard work paid off, the tunic she just spent 90 minutes of her life hawking, has sold out!  BLOOP!

Phaedra drops by Kandi’s place to catch up, and Kandi reveals that her older cousin Melvin is in prison and his son has been living with her in the McMansion.  Little Melvin, as he is called, is conveniently in the kitchen when Phaedra arrives and readily available to give Phaedra advice on how to tell her children about Apollo’s imminent trip to the clink.  Melvin recommends that Phaedra be honest with little Ayden and Mr. President so that they won’t harbor resentments later in life when they learn the truth.  Melvin did not appreciate the lies, he eventually put two and two together and came up with five.  Phaedra appreciates his sage words, but still doesn’t want to cough up the truth.

Roger Bobb gets a visit from Kenya and her relationship wrecking ball booty.  The visit is veiled as a brazen business seeking opportunity, but she is really Bobbing for information on his non-Facebook-official relationship status.  Kenya gives her fake sales pitch, which goes something like “hey Roger Bobb, I know you are obligated by the Bravo Mob to pretend to know me, so give me my own show and make me famous because I’m just that fabulous and I really need to break away from all of this Bravo mandated bullshit, it’s really bringin’ me down.”  Roger commits to workshopping the idea, says her dreams will come true, and Kenya should get to work on her Emmy acceptance speech.  Then Kenya gets to the meat of her visit, the old photo of them and the swirling couple rumors out there on “the blogs!”  Those damn blogs!  Roger confirms Demetria is “my lady” and extends an invite to Kenya to Demetria’s video release party.

It’s the big night of Demetria’s party and she is not so much releasing a video as she is releasing her side-Bobb boob!  Cynthia and Peter arrive and Peter is dressed like a slack jawed yokel who is about to ride the tractor out into the field and harvest some grain.  We learn that Roger Bobb won’t be present due to a last minute work thang, which becomes immediate fodder for the girls to question the seriousness of their relationship.  Claudia asks Demetria if after seven years of dating, shouldn’t Roger Bobb be proposing?  Demetria responds by saying “he could propose with a Cheerio and I would say yes!”  Sounds like Demetira has a great outlook, set your expectations low so you won’t be disappointed.  Cheerio my ass!

Kenya is pissed that Roger Bobb isn’t there since he personally invited her.  It’s a waste of an outfit and a weave at this point, but not before Demetria can charge Kenya and get up in her grill.  Cynthia is in the corner, huddled up with Phaedra’s prayer cloth, asking Jesus to guide Kenya out of the scuttlebutt of darkness.  Demetria comes at Kenya a bit strong regarding the photo of Kenya and Roger Bobb, but Kenya handles it calmly (for now until we have to hear about this 27 more times) and tells Demetria in a rather back handed way, that she “likes money” and isn’t after Roger Bobb.  Demetria claims “she’s chill” and they are all good.  Now we know this can’t be the end of this subject and we know they are not “chill”, it’s just not in the Bravo formula for needless drama over fake problems.

Kenya-Demetria

The real drama at this party is the presence of Apollo.  Before Peter leaves to feed the goats and clean out the silo, he walks Apollo over to the ladies to say hello.  Phaedra gives her hubby a very fake and very forced hug and kiss hello, but ends up vomiting in her mouth.  Apollo forces Phaedra sit next to him and expects her to be “loving and cordial” and tells her that if she won’t play his game, he can flip the script on her real quick.  She is completely ignoring him and tells him he can talk to her at home, not in the middle of this social setting.  Apollo gives her a hug and Phaedra looks like she would rather be starring in a Tijuana donkey show than sitting next to her felon husband.

Apollo-Hug

Meanwhile, Demetria has been experiencing technical difficulties all night and her intern can’t get her DVD to play.  The party is a total bust and the gang is all wobbly from playing the “Roger Bobb Drinking Game” (they said “Roger Bobb” 19 times).  All of the ladies blow the pop-stand in unison as Cynthia mutters, “told you we should have done the party at Bar One!”

Next week, Nene concedes to filming with her cast mates and she invites Porsha, Kenya, and Cynthia out for a little “girl talk” and it looks like it goes in the shitter faster than a blink of a false eyelash.