Issues and Tissues

The hot mess express has reached its final destination on the underground railroad…finally!  Let’s round up the low lights:

  1. The Rotten Peach

Lupeter is salivating into his wife’s wig, waiting to address the cheating rumors that Phaedra was throwing around like cheap pocketbooks.  He notes that if he were to cheat, he would go big or go home and hook up with J-Lo or Beyoncé.  So not only is Papa Smurf annoying, he is delusional.  Lupeter goes over his lifetime information sharing limits when he tells us he would rather jerk off than get with one of his Bar None waitresses.

Peter-saying

  1. Half-Assed, Half-Breed Apologies

Kandi and Todd update us on their flourishing marriage, they are working on a baby and Kandi is undergoing fertility treatments that have fattened her up and have caused her boobs to grow larger than Nene’s swollen ego.  Todd speaks out about the half-assed apology Mama Joyce gave on camera, but Kandi wanted to make yet another excuse for her mother’s appalling behavior.  That half-assed apology given on camera was done when Todd’s mother was still alive, as if that makes it acceptable.  Only after Todd’s mother passed way, did he get a three quarters-assed apology.  Gregg Leakes spoke at Sharon’s funeral and wanted to go on record that Nene tried everything she could to get out of Broadway to be at the funeral.  Phaedra couldn’t make it either, but she assisted with making the proper arrangements complete with bedazzled prayer cloths.

Later, we reflect back on Nene’s malevolent alter ego…NayNay, making an appearance in Puerto Rico and she gets some heat for calling Claw-dia “half breed”.  Nene can’t bring herself to offer an apology to Claw-dia, but she gives her patented dead-in-the-eyes apology to all the viewers she has offended.

  1. Deep thoughts with Gregg Leakes

“Faults are like headlights on a car, you can only see the other persons.”  Can someone put his shock collar on him and throw him behind his electric fence?  He has clearly been sitting behind Nene too long, inhaling her wig glue fumes.

  1. End of the Road Friendship Contract

We once again belabor the point that Nene and Cynthia are dunzo.  Cynthia feels the incessant need to rehash their fall out, blow by blow, so that she never has to repeat it again.  Here’s a brief synopsis:  Lupita beyotch, Cynthia should be fired, food off my table, I’m wrong, you’re right, burn baby burn.

  1. Freindtervention

Dr. Jeff joins the group and Nene confronts him about how the therapy sesh was poorly handled.  Then, like a one legged rickshaw driver, Nene completely breaks down.

Nene-Breakdown

She refuses to talk, and the group must have a rehearsal because they are all in on the fact that Nene didn’t have a relationship with her mother and this is why she has to be carried off the stage.  As she is walking out, everyone gathers around her except for Kandi and Claw-dia, who are taking the opportunity to adjust their Spanx and check their texteses.

Nene-Walk off

Dr. Jeff and OHAC get the backstory from Gregg and it turns out that Nene’s mother had five children and couldn’t handle them all so she sent Nene and her brother away to be raised by their aunt.  This abandonment issue has plagued Nene for years and she never understood why she was sent away.  Cynthia whisks Nene into the ladies room for a makeup re-touch and Dr. Jeff and OHAC declare this as a “Breakthrough!”  It’s a Christmas miracle!  Cynthia teeters on her 8” heels back to the stage to update the rest of the group, who incidentally, don’t give three hot, wet farts.

The dramatic music is cued as Nene returns to her perch.  Cynthia gives her a pep talk, telling her how great she is and how she has it all, reverting back to the Cynthia that lives up Nene’s ass.  Claw-dia, realizing she hasn’t said two lines during the last two parts of the reunion, gives her own version of a pep talk and declares that they should not be fighting, but connecting on this common ground.  Dr. Jeff rounds it out by saying that we all have a story and if you don’t talk about your story, it will continue to contaminate all of your relationships.  Nene just can’t help herself…despite her total mental breakdown, she collects herself long enough to beat a dead horse.  She asks Dr. Jeff if he would have handled the counseling sesh the same way.  He placates her by saying that since he now knows what her needs are, he would adjust accordingly.  So basically, now that he knows she’s a raging drama queen on stilts, he would gladly stroke her ego for $175 per hour.  With that, OHAC sends him off in a pneumatic air tube back to shrink-land.

  1. Last Ditch Efforts

As this 90 minute torture sesh winds down, Cynthia decides to apologize to Phaedra for the pain she caused, given that Phaedra had her roughest season ever.  Thank God for caffeine enemas to pull a gal through!  Phaedra notes that she is still dealing with a lot of crap, but “I walk in gratitude because pressure builds diamonds.”  Sounds like someone has found their opening tag line for next season!

Claw-dia feels she has grown and will be creating a vision board with an illustration of herself, clinging her peach tightly in her falcon toes.  Kenya has learned understanding, forgiveness, and never to say never.  Porsha feels everyone has had a breakthrough, including her…breaking through her clothing she purchased from the Forever 21 clearance bin.  Kandi equates life to a roller coaster with ups and downs and she looks forward to the future.  Nene admits she did not see her breakdown coming and appreciated the support when she returned to the stage.  Until she is talking shit about everyone the minute she gets off the stage.

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I think I’m Turning Japanese

Part one of the reunion was as tired as the Asian inspired set, comprised of old items scavenged from the P.F. Changs remodel at the Cumberland Mall.

Group Photo - Reunion 1

Let’s break it down shall we…here are the top five moments:

  1. Montage of Hair

The Bravo intern assigned to housewives duty will have to work another summer without pay, Bravo has blown it’s budget on a satirical wig commercial.  It’s mildly amusing, the best part is the voice over at the end, “Beware of hair burglars.  Do not attempt to glue wigs to your forehead.”  Wigs subject to being snatched.”  Kenya admits to wearing a clip in piece to supplement her own 24” hair, and I am sure it’s quick release in the event someone gets dragged up in this bey-otch!

  1. Nene is now in the NFL…No Friends Left!

Kandi calls Nene out for her stank superiority complex and she makes a face like she just smelt Nene’s unwashed asshole.  I think Kandi is a little stung over her recess buddy, Phaedra, bonding with Nene over the hell of a nasty divorce and Nene throws it in her face a bit saying “you wouldn’t understand”, but lest we forget that Kandi is your girl if your ex-fiancé dies.

Nene won’t shut up and they get into the “I SEE YOU…”, “WE SEE EACH OTHA…” pointing of the index finger adorned with a way too long acrylic nail.

Kandi-Attitude

  1. Let’s Get Physical

Phaedra chats about Apllo’s greed ultimately being his demise and we revisit his crazy rant with power tools and hinges that not even his pal, Bunn on a motorcycle, could contain.  Understandably, Phaedra’s number one concern is her children and she admits that she hasn’t filed for divorce yet.  Maybe there will be a reconciliation in season 110!  OHAC asks Phaedra if Apollo has ever gotten physical with her and she refuses to answer…is this a case of “silence speaks volumes”?  She still hasn’t taken the boys to visit their father because, like, well, Kentucky is far and icky.  It might snow, her tazer might be confiscated, and hell let’s just crab boil it down…she just doesn’t want to.

  1. Rotten Peaches

Porsha gets a seat on the couch and talks in her usual tone…all kinds of crazy.  She is dressed like she just emerged from a children’s movie about forest nymphs who wear shower curtains to protect them from flying scepters, whirling pocket books, and possessed rat-infested weave scraps.

Claw-dia puts Porsha on blast for dating a married man and notes that she is [ahem], “a journalist” and she used her best investigative reporting talents to get Porsha liquored on a few cocktails in the Philippines and singin’ like a canary.  Great work Jordan, you’ll be collecting your Pulitzer during open mic night at Zanies in no time.

Porsha discusses her dating life and claims she was dating an athlete and then she said something about an Asian… I lost interest quickly, but did get a chuckle out of Phaedra doing the head swirl while saying “mmmm …get me some Chinese!”  I don’t’ know if she’s hungry or horny.

  1. Kenya is the Best Whore EVA!

Probably the second best moment after the wig infomercial was the whore calling.  Phaedra tells Kenya “the Bible has a lot of whores, you’re in good company.”  Kenya fumes and comes back with, “If I was going to be a whore, I would be the best goddamn whore EVA!”  Ain’t that the truth!