Just Gettin’ Warmed Up

Hey everyone, so sorry I am late this week… this damn, pesky, full-time job thingy is really getting in the way of my reality television habit.  This part one reunion was like amuse-bouche of sorts – just a li’l nibble before the main course.  It was a random, mixed-bag of tricks, so let’s approach this recap in the trusty, top-moments style:

  1. The Outfits and Looks Over the Years – Party City is the place to be and Porsha made a stop on her way to this reunion and purchased the best Disney villain props she could find. She displays her plastic crown with pride, but she left the scepter at checkout!  The rest of the ladies are adorned in truly awful gowns, I mean really… this is some uggo shit from the 70% off rack at Marshall’s.  It’s been 10 seasons ladies, get it together.  And while we’re airing our grievances, do we really need to coat our clavicles with 50 shades of body glitter?  We are also treated to a stirring retrospective over the years [thank you Bravo Intern for throwing this footage together] – Nene hits it on the head, Wigs-n-Cigs got her wigs from Party City.  The early years of Wigs-n-Cigs are pretty pitiful, her wigs are made of plastic Barbie hair that melts on contact with a lukewarm hot roller.  This all reminds me of one of my absolute favorite memories of RHATL – early reunion footage of Wigs-n-Cigs, discussing how a friend of her trainer’s first cousin, thrice-removed, knew a man who sat next to her grandfather’s brother-in-law during medical school, thought maybe…was about 90% sure that she had cancer.  BUT THEN… as she waited her test results, that fateful phone call came as she pulled into a Chili’s parking lot… and she learned that she DID NOT have cancer!  WOO HOO – AWESOME BLOSSOMS for EVERYONE!

Wigs cancer

  1. Kenya’s Cavalcade o’ Lies – Oh Kenya, you have been demoted on the reunion couch to last seat, hovering on the arm-rest at best. Kenya hints at pregnancy rumors, a baby is due “later this year” as if it’s a home improvement project she might get to in the fall.  She backpedals a bit, doesn’t want to say much, but she and Question Marc are definitely expanding their family.  Never mind that they don’t live in the same state, oh and she’s never met his parents, but alls good in da’ hood!  OHAC asks how Question Marc feels about being on the show, considering he believes it’s a ghastly representation of African-American Women.  Kenya states that Question Marc never said such things and this was stirred up by the bloggers, but OHAC pulls the ace out of his sleeve – “he told my colleagues that” – he hates the show.  Never have I EVER seen Kenya just sit there with the stare of a murderous muppet!  Caution – Awkward Silence Ahead!
    Awkward silence
    Kenya also takes a moment to diss her alleged BFF, 51-Cynt by stating that she “can’t hold water” – translation she can’t keep fake news to herself.  Caution – Article IX, Section 9(a) (iiv) is shouldering behind the couch.  Even Nene backs up 51-Cynt on this one, noting that her former BFF can keep a secret when it matters.

 

  1. The Door is Klosed – Kandi still gets that wobble in her voice when discussing the Porsha rape-gate situation from season 9. The rumor could have killed her whole, wobbly, Kandi-Koated Brand.  Porsha still doesn’t get it, she thinks she was just throwing out some innocent shade – like “your husband is short”, or “your dress is too tight and you look like overstuffed sausage casing”, she truly has no clue how much damage she caused.  As we’ve always known with P-Willi, the wheel is a turnin’, but the HAM-ster is dead!

Ham-ster

  1. Lifestyle Joggers – We finally address another elephant in the season regarding She-by-Shereé and her Wal-Mart, Garanimal sweats. SBS reveals that she was going for comfort this season – translation, my man is in Prison and I’ve completely given up on life.  SBS claims that She-by-Shereé will be dropping some hot, new fashions… well it’s a “lifestyle brand” … “joggers”, “athletic lifestyle”.  OHAC asks when the world will receive this scintillating new collection, to which SBS stammers… “late summer, fall, winter really, maybe 2040.”  Put it this way, Baby Twirl – the human version, will drop before She-by-Shereé anything hits the scene.  Somewhere in the green room the Bravo Intern is radioing headquarters – “yes, if you could prepare walkin’ papers for Ms. Whitfield, yeah… that would be grrrreeeeaaat!”

Paperwork

  1. Blackmailing Slut-Tards, Read for FILTH – Marlo trots out lookin’ like a Shetland Show Pony, and no sooner has she scooched in underneath SBS’ magenta skirt, and Kenya goes for the jugular – “you’ve got a code reader between your legs!” Apparently, that “John the Pizza Guy” who Nene dated back in 2011 or some shit… got caught in Marlo Hampton’s snare of slutfuckery.  After Nene raided his pocketbook, Marlo went in for seconds.  Annnnd we’re not talkin’ the good kind of leftover cold breakfast pizza, but the flavorless crust that everyone leaves on their plate.  Marlo took photos of his phone, containing texts betwixt he and Nene.  Marlo attempted to blackmail Pizza Guy with said texts, but all she could score is a payment of $20,000 on her Neiman Marcus bill, to which Nene responds, with a master-stroke of bitchery… “I’m surprised he had $20,000!”

I’ll leave it here with a top five, I am about as dizzy as OHAC looks.  The rest is just arguing over loyalty, as if any of them know what that means, and everyone is gettin’ on my nerves, over-handling their weaves and clip-ins.  Next week, Wigs-n-Cigs joins the stage and gets dragged.

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Elephants in the Room

Welcome to the Mean Girls lunch table, where we will invite you over, but YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US!  I swear, these cast mates don’t even like each other anymore, they merely tolerate one another and put themselves into bizarre situations for sheer sport.  #Paychexbybravo!  Let’s get into it, shall we?

Cant sit with us

We start out this week with Porsha playing actress.  She’s terrible, being killed by Sharknado 5 after 9 seconds of screen time doesn’t a thespian make.  She has apparently landed some part in a local production of “Two Can Play at that Game”, and it takes three assistants to help her run two lines.

sharknado

SBS, Wigs-N-Cigs, and their breasts meet for a meal.  Seriously, these bitches be bustin’ out of their tube tops like stuffed sausage.  Nene is supposed to show up, SBS is salivating in anticipation.  Every time the three of them get together, it ends in a good ol’ fashioned wig pull.  We are treated to a flashback of season two, when SBS tried a wig yank on Wigs-N-Cigs… IN FRONT OF MICHAEL LOHAN.  Ahh… the good ol’ days, when Wigs-N-Cigs crafted her wigs out of flammable Barbie hair and dated men off of Craig’s List.

Speaking of a wig yank, someone should do SBS a favor and snatch that Atomic Blonde wiglette off her melon.  With all her other stellar looks this season, I just can’t get behind this atomic atrocity.  Anyhoo – SBS gives Wigs-N-Cigs a quick briefing and they get on to the subject of Kandi.  Wigs understands that Porsha made a “harsh allegation” against Kandi, but Wigs [again with the swearing on her six kids’ lives], seems to buy into the Kandi rumors.  Then she mumbles something as she’s gulping down her clams casino, “I wouldn’t let Kandi lick my box.”  GOOD.  LORD.  ALREADY.  WITH.  THIS.  SHIT?  Wigs… sorry hunni, no one wants anywhere near your box.  It’s like the great void, all who enter are never seen or heard from again.

SBS fills Wigs in about Prison BAE, and Wigs offers her immediate support and becomes overcome with emotion and fake tears at the thought of her BFF SBS getting “some good dick”.  Yes, that’s right, in 4-18 years, SBS will be getting the dick she is due, DAMNIT!  After these two clowns come up for air, they realize it’s been two hours and Nene hasn’t shown up.  Wigs ponders that she may be looking for a parking space, but decides to call and Nene informs them she sent a memo by Pony Express.  She will not be attending due to “too many elephants in the room” and they need to schedule a conversation at another time.  Wigs thinks Nene is still butthurt over the “Rent-a Royce” handicapped parking scandal, oh and the fact that Brielle snuck into Nene’s house through an open window during the “All white, trot out your best gay accessory, never forget, shuck your own oyster party” and posted a snapchat showing 16 cock roaches scurrying across Nene’s floor.  Hmm…could be why she doesn’t want to sit with you, bitch!

Bailey Agency Skewl for Wayward Models is conducting a back to school book drive to help kids who may not be able to afford supplies – translation, a photo shoot for the Trapper Keeper 2018 reboot.  Nene face times in because she can’t be troubled to make an in-person charity F-List celebrity appearance.  She invites the women to an “All White, Elephants Never Forget, Clear the Room, Low Country Boil Seafood Extravaganza”.  Will stops in and Cynthia turns into Urkel.  He tells her that he’s leaving for a trip to Brazil, and Kenya quickly points out how amazingly beautiful the women of Brazil are, oh and prostitution is legal.  Cynthia starts hyperventilating into a Hello Kitty backpack and Kenya pulls her aside by the straps of her overalls.  Kenya lectures her on the dangers of Mr. Will.  If he is truly an opportunist, he will be back for his dear Cynthia.  Just be sure to use a condom for several months and make sure he takes ALL of his penicillin.

Cynthia - Will

SBS settles in for a quiet night with her dog Max and her laptop, when Kairo surprises her with a visit bearing food.  They are firing up the grill when SBS gets a call from Prison BAE.  SBS takes the call, attempting to hide it from Kairo.  Prison BAE upholds his innocence, claims he has receipts, and he’s hoping to be exonerated from all wrongdoing.  GOOD.  LUCK.  SBS isn’t ready to explain to her children that her BAE is in prison, so she and Kairo opt to ignore the elephant in their kitchen and continue to prepare dinner in silence.

Nene is arranging her big “Elephants in the room, come one come all, circus extravaganza”, and has hired an energy reader named Mbele.  Said energy reader pulls no punches, she is firm, direct, and smells of a hard mix of sage, Ylang-Ylang, and wrath.

Mbele

As the ladies arrive, Mbele has a few ever-changing rules, smart phones get checked at the door she’s a hugger not a shaker, unless your name is Nene or Cynthia and you give off immoral juju.  Wigs-N-Cigs walks in and says in her loudest, Virginia-Slims, I’ve had about three red Solo cup fulls o’ Tito’s, voice – “It smells like sage up in this mother*cker, ohh it is like rough as shit, honey!”  Nice opening volley!  As if that wasn’t rude enough, Wigs won’t put her phone down, “I got six babies at home, my husband is bringing me pizza”.  Poor Kroy, he’s now relegated to delivering pizza to Wigs while she fulfills her #contractuallyobligateduncomfortablesituationsbybravo.  Hey, Wigs – can you have Kroy slide in an order of hot wings, extra spicy, hold the celery, blue cheese dressing on the side?

Nene begins to address the group and the lights flicker, indicating that Mbele has placed an irreversible hoax on the whole lot of them.  Mbele takes the floor and announces she will be spilling secrets and the women need to keep it together.  She waves her li’l finger at SBS for an inordinate number of seconds and comes up with some innocuous, vague shit like – “be decisive, stand firm.”

Kandi is told she experiences Déjà Vu.  Nene is told she has a heart of gold and what others think of her is irrelevant.  Cynthia is told to protect herself – translation, Will is an opportunist.  Kenya is told that she isn’t going to be around much longer, not meaning death, but a different destiny.  #shitcannedbybravo.

Wigs starts buggin’, she doesn’t like any of this.  Mbele wins line of the night, “dixie cup is gonna help us out here, I guess”.  Kenya busts out laughing and now believes that Mbele is the most amazing energy reader, EVA!  Wigs says she’s been read by the BEST, she’s spiritual, she’s from a higher power, and she has, like… ESPN!

5th sense ESPN

Kenya loses it, tells Wigs to shut the f*ck up or leave.  Nene is feasting on this conflict.  Mbele asks everyone switch seats because “Wigs and Go Naked” are oddly holding hands and she’s catching too much static from the high concentration of wig polymers.  Mbele offers to dip some wild bushes in whiskey and provide Wigs with a much-needed cleansing bath, but Wigs takes a hard pass.  At this point, they have broken the energy reader and she leaves the unstable skanks to deal with this three-ring shit show.  Mbele exits stage left to find the Bravo intern, collect her appearance fee, and the $50 bonus for giving Nene a resplendent read.

Kandi tries to start mediating between Porsha and Nene, but Nene is more preoccupied with making her same goofy faces and resolving nothing.  SBS asks Nene if she has an issue with Prison BAE, and to be clear “you’ve got mugshots too”.  They start goin’ at it, they do not SEE.  EACH.  OTHA.  Nene has “NO.  THING.  I.  NEED.  TO.  TALK.  TO.  YOU.  ABOUT!”  Wigs mumbles something into her Solo cup about Kenya being jealous of SBS and Cynthia dives into the fray to ask why Wigs and Kenya don’t get along.  Wigs gets up to leave, hiking up her Pepto pants like a truck driver, and Nene demands she stay for detention.  Cynthia tries to confront Wigs, but Wigs says “don’t talk, just be a pretty face” and then the low-grade beaver tranquilizers kick in.  Wigs starts singing “Amazing Grace” without her auto-tune machine.

Nene and Wigs sit down to have it out… Wigs takes a moment of reflection and introspection, the last time they sat on a couch together was eight years ago when Nene denied trying to choke her [after the wig-tug in front of her then fling, Michael Lohan – sorry folks, I will find that infinitely hilarious until my dying day].  Sensing Nene is ready to go for a main artery, Wigs adjusts her wiglette, swears on her six kids’ lives – AGAIN, and apologizes “for actin’ like a coconut” at Nene’s party.  But Wigs isn’t smart enough to leave it at that and escape Nene’s fury, she has to add that she thinks Nene is on drugs.  Nene admits to being on vodka, but that’s the extent of it.  She officially deems their “friendship” superficial.  Adjust your wigs and part ways, idiot hookers!

Wigs wig adjust

Next week – Cynthia takes a trip to help with hurricane relief efforts, Prison Bae delivers an ominous warning, and Kenya flips off the Bravo camera, well, because Kenya.

Flirting with Disaster

What better way to kick off this week than to shop for some overpriced doors.  Yes, SBS… this means you!  What in the name of all that is good and decent are you doing spending $8,750 on one door?!?!  Which I might add, doesn’t even include a fabulous knob.  $8,750 could buy some nice commissary provisions for those prison visits, maybe even rent an hourly conjugal trailer.  If SBS wasn’t droppin’ so much coin, I am willing to bet an $8,000 door that the shopkeeper would not have stood their patiently while SBS and Porsha discussed the latest innovation in weave adhesives.  The ladies saunter off into the chandelier nook to re-hash the San Francisco treat trip and Porsha has found a juicy nugget on the internet, so you know it must be true.  Yes, dear reader, Radar Online has reported that SBS is married to her cuddly convict Tyrone.

Meanwhile, Lake Bailey is hosting Kandi and Kenya.  I love how Kandi gives Cynthia’s “cross wall” the side-eye.  The three take seats in the zen den to get down to it.  Cynthia starts with the obligatory “how are you, how was the funeral?” pursuant to section IX, 17(f) of the friendship contract.  After that’s out of the way, she zeros in with laser sharp focus to ask the hard-hitting question, are we ever gonna meet the real Marc?

Cynthia wants receipts

Kenya does the backpedal, twirl, and side-step, but eventually promises Cynthia she will produce receipts.  Speaking of questionable nuptials, Kandi flashes the jailhouse photos of SBS posing in a “wifey” tee-shirt with Tyrone, as if there weren’t enough ambiguous wedding storylines this season.  Somethin’ in the buttermilk ain’t clean.

SBS Wifey

(Photo Credit:  Straight From The A)

Porsha is on a mission to get her groove back.  How many back-alley matchmakers sporting Target knit wrap-dresses does it take to set up this twerkin’ travesty – two, yeah, it takes two baby!  Porsha drills down to what she is looking for – a man who wants a family and she is down with the swirl.  To which matchmaker #2 deadpans, “oh neat.”  The matchmakers demand a tour of the McMans in order to gain insight to what makes Porsha tick.  I can tell you right now what makes this bitch tick, a couple of field mice and some AA batteries.  The wheel may be turnin’, but the hamster is dead.  Porsha reveals two spare bedrooms for a boy and a girl and a playset in the back yard, which came with the house.  She figured she would keep it all intact for the future mini-Porsha’s, not at all creepy.  The matchmakers tell her straight up that the McMans décor will scare off the men and “make their wiener go down”.  I think the first sight of the wall o’ wiglettes in the boy’s nursery will do that on its own.

Porsha heads off for her first blind date with Patrick.  The matchmaker tells her that he’s wearing a grey jacket and jeans and this is already a fashion strike against him.  Guuuurl… she put on her best Spanx for this, he can at least put on a pair of black trousers!  In probably the funniest scene of the night, Porsha walks in to the restaurant and as soon as she sees his bald, shiny head, she does a 180 on her stiletto.  And I know what she’s thinking, if I turn fast enough, he won’t even know it was me and I can beat feet back to the McMans and be in my jammies and up to my elbow in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s by 8:30.  The Bravo Intern hiding under the hostess Pottery Barn podium springs to action and gives her a li’l pep-talk.  As in, this week’s paycheck is contingent on you enduring this unsettling blind date.  Porsha walks over to meet him, sits down, complains that it’s too hot in the restaurant, and chugs a glass of water.  In what world is this man her type?  Clearly, the matchmakers the Bravo Intern found in the yellow pages are unqualified.  Porsha deftly sets up her trap-door and as he flashes his Bugs Bunny teeth, she pulls the ripcord.  My “mom” is “staying with me” and she can’t be alone for more than 30 minutes.  Sake bombs for everyone!  What a waste of an outfit and a wig.

Porsha Dud

In Kandi news, Baby Ace is learning to swim and Kandi is trying to spend more quality time with Riley.  They go indoor skydiving and we learn that Kandi is working too much, she’s never around, and never follows through.  #GOALS!  Hey Riley, get your shit together, you little ingrate!  At least your mom is TRYING to spend time with you and all her bizznizzez will benefit you if you’re sensible.  Now go dip some chicken fingers into some honey mustard with your mama!

Cynthia stops by to see Papa Smurf in a dusty, empty lot, which is the future location of “Bar Two” in ATL.  She owns 25% of this ill-fated bidness venture, but that’s the least of her problems since she utters “Uncle Ben looks steamy enough to boil a hot pot o’ rice”.  Umm… EW!  Apparently, Bar None and Sports Done are doing well, so now Papa Smurf thinks he can take ATL.  Papa Smurf is drooling over her, undressing her with his beedy eyes, all the while she entertains his greezy innuendos.  She hints at having more percentage of ownership and is prepared for a lifetime of sickening interaction with this man if she is to recoup her losses.  Hey, somebody gotta pay da’ rent at the Bailey Agency for Wayward Models.

Later, Cynthia heads out for a sizeable boat double date with Will and Kandi and Todd.  Kandi has already Googled, deployed her OLG word-on-the-street-team, and is prepared to grill Will like a Bubba Burger.  Props to Kandi for lookin’ out for her girl… ATL has a lotta folk who fake it ‘til they makes it!  Todd keeps bringing up Peter, because apparently, he’s not fully over the divorce yet.  As if it wasn’t awkward enough in the confines of the stern of the boat, Kandi brings up the fact that Will has appeared on a Steve Harvey Show episode about dating and a reality dating show.  Will has defenses prepared, the Steve Harvey thing was a year ago and he declined the reality dating show.  We are reminded via montage of how everyone attacked Todd’s motives when he latched on to Kandi’s teet, so I guess it’s only fair.

Mama Joyce on yer ass

Kandi and Cynthia head up to the bow of the boat for some explicitly detailed girl talk.  Cynthia reveals that she and Will haven’t gotten jiggy with it yet and she fears that the sexual tension is so hot, that it’s built up too much, and it might not be good.  Kandi advises her to “check out the thickness of his hands” and that should calm her nerves and quell any misgivings.  Someone has poured Cynthia way too much champagne, or she is a really rusty dater… she proceeds to tell Will everything she and Kandi discussed.  Real smooth… 50-Cyn!

SBS finally has the sit down with her children about the domestic violence she endured while married to Bob.  At first, it’s CRICKETS.  The girls talk a bit more, they love their mom dearly and think she’s super woman, then they hug it out.  Jack Daniels arrives and gives her a gold star for completing her homework assignment.  Her cellphone rings and PRISON-BAE pops up on the display, “um, yeah, life coach… I’m gonna need to take this”.  She makes Jack wait while she talks to Tyrone, we learn that SBS and Tyrone dated several years ago, but he ghosted because he didn’t want to embroil her in his legal predicaments.  Wow, now that’s love.  Jack asks her about the call and she reveals that Tyrone is her boyfriend and, oh were does he live?  He’s in a big house, a lovely joint, Greybar Knolls Estates, a great corner lot, yard view, personal chef, home gym, state of the art security system, and all utilities and cable included!  Let’s toast, shall we, CLINK!  Jack Daniels takes a moment to process this and shake his head in haughty derision.  He cautions her about being in a fantasy land with prison-bae, it may not be all puppies and bacon after the delousing powder settles.  SBS has no fears or doubts, PRISON-BAE is her DESTI-NAE!  With good behavior, they riding down a rainbow on a unicorn in one to four years!

Next week – Kenya and SBS teaming up for the domestic violence coalition, Porsha flirts with a workplace romance, and an OLG uprising.