Baby Bump

Hello followers, sorry for the delay in this RHATL recap.  I’ve got this pesky full-time job thingy that really gets in the way of my creative outlets.  Anyhoo – I’m back bitches, and ready to have some fun.  There’s a lot to unpack here, let’s start with some general RHATL housekeeping:

First and foremost – WHERE ARE THE TAGLINES?  The Bravo intern must still be toiling away over his laptop, his asshole sweating like it’s being paid to.  We’ll let it slide for this week, but next week we want taglines and they better be on point!

Second – Phaedra Sparks Counselor Parks is no longer.  This is for the best – her puffed-up foolishness had grown tiresome on all fronts, and there’s part of me that was starting to think she had that Apollo chasing her with the power drill moment coming to her.  But folks… this means THERE IS NO AYDEN.  This also contributed to my recap delay, I wept for days and awoke in a ditch covered in Oreo dust.

Okay, now that we have that out of the way… what have these fools been up to?  Kandi is focusing on the OLG restaurant, and it’s on and poppin’!  Kandi is trying a thick, blocky bang… which oddly works for her.  The furtive OLG posse is perched high atop a balcony, staring down in disbelief at the line wrapped around the block.  Everyone in the ATL is ready to get into this joint and tear into some fried chicken.  Todd’s new tagline is “They sellin’ chicken like Colorado sellin’ marijuana!”

Kandi gives her annual, obligatory speech about how she isn’t going to get bogged down by the haters, she is the self-proclaimed “people’s champ”.  She’s mom first, restaurant owner second, and let’s not forget she is a member of this dysfunctional ensemble and starring in her own spin-off show – getting XScape back together, man!

Shifting over to Lake Bailey, Cynthia has finally found her zen through a leaf blower.  As she preps her deck for company, she throws some grapes and Laughing Cow on a saucer and pops the Prosecco.  Rolls Royce Nene is at the door and she is taken aback by the “acreage” of Lake Bailey.  Cynthia finally has money in the bank, which apparently entitles her to celebrate a birthday year.  Some folks celebrate a birthday weekend, or a birthday month, but Ms. Cynthia ain’t stoppin’.  It’s my birthday year, damn it, and I am throwing another theme party where everyone must dress up as a version of ME!  It’s 50 shades of Cynthia, I can hardly wait.

As the two catch up, Cynthia wastes no time in announcing to Nene that arch-rival Kenya, is now married.  Cynthia was in the dark, so I spy a rift in the budding BFFL territory.  Kenya twirls in, cut the small talk, let the grilling commence!  Nene wants receipts for this marriage, but she’ll get nothing and like it.  Kenya will only drop a few morsels, she knew said “Baby” for four months, oh and his name, yeah it’s “Baby”.  Brilliant, smashing – move along folks, no red flags of a doomed marriage to see here!  A simple Google search tells us his name is Marc Daly, and let me just say… by the looks of this wedding photo, these two are going places.  When your groom gives you a fist-bump to seal the nuptials, Guuuuuurrrrl… you know it’s built to last!

Kenya married

Nene presses for a name, but Kenya won’t budge, “Baby” it is!  So, is this like “Baby Driver”, “Maybe the Dingo ate your Baby”?  I just don’t get it.  Kenya goes on to reveal that they are going to dump Moore McMansion and find a new house of cards within which to live.  Moore McMans. has too many ghosts of hired psychos past and no baseboards.  We finally get a glimpse of the ring, but Nene is still not buying what she’s selling.  Nene wants a copy of the Marriage License, and quite frankly so does the rest of America.

Bitch what

We see Kenya talking to her father later while she tools around in her Bentley.  Listening to her father talk is like watching the DMV sloth from Zootopia.  OY VEY… use your words Papa Moore!  He has a case of the sads over missing his daughter’s wedding and having to learn about it via Facebook post.  She didn’t invite him because she thought her dad would say something to frighten the skittish Baby.  Again, no red flags here… all is right in the ATL.

Sloth

We catch up with our favorite violent, angry ditz, Porsha.  She is now dispensing advice via podcast, and apparently, she preps by tearing into a chicken dinner and shooting warm Hennessey.  Gettin’ paid to be an idiot!  What has this nation come to?  Porsha does the podcast with her sister and cousin, they talk to their pretend audience, discussing working with friends.  This is a perfect segue for Porsha to announce that she has “locked it down” when it comes to her friends.  She tells the girls that Phaedra has been texting, but Lauren warns to keep her distance.  We also learn that Porsha and Nene have a big, two-year old, beef sangwich between them.  Apparently when Nene gave her some actual sound advice, by way of “Bitch, keep your motherf*ckin’ hands offa people”, Porsha didn’t take that under advisement and Nene is as ruffled as her costumes.

She by Shereé is back, in her resident role of floating, shit-stirring mechanism of destruction.  She is also rotating some very confusing wiglettes.  We must address the elephant in the room, which is what I have lovingly dubbed the “Fried, Dyed, on the Side, Atomic Blonde” wig.  SBS up to some international espionage, are we?

SBS Atomic Blonde

Maybe there’s more to SBS than meets the eye… no, we’ve looked into her eyes, there’s less.  #seinfeldreference #seewhatididthere?

Newman meets eye

SBS drops by Nene’s new boutique – SWAGG.  Not to be confused with POSCHE – different state, different HO’s.  Anyhoo, SBS is ready to throw shade all over the damn place.  She’s playing it close to the vest, all details on her own personal life are on Defcon 4, security lock down.  Not much going on here, just Nene peacocking her return to the cast and setting up the shit-storm that will gust through this entire season.

Finally, it’s the big day of Cynthia’s “you know you wanna be me, bitch” themed party.  We learn that she and Papa Smurf are now BFFL’s (READ:  Exes with benefits in lieu of spousal support checks).  Papa ain’t comin’ to this shin-dig however, his wait-staff in Charlotte aren’t going to grope themselves!  Malorie and Cynthia’s mom arrive and they’re asking about Peter as if they like him now.  What f*cked up parallel universe have we entered into?  Guests arrive at the party, Cynthia makes her grand entrance and she’s chosen a really ugly yellow dress because she wants to reflect “love and light”.  Insert RHNJ crossover here:

Love light image

Cynthia probably should have re-thought the gladiator lace up in the back, it’s creating some unruly back stuff in the most unflattering way.  But what the hell… she’s 50 BITCH!  Cynthia presents a horrifying looking award to Kandi for “the best Cynthia”, which consists of the Coca Cola Can Curlers Cynthia.  The party starts to dissipate, some of the guests continue to drink and play “mother*ckin’ walk off”, Malorie almost blows out her cankle, and the team Porsha vs. everyone else alliances begin to take shape.

kandi-soda-cans-min

SBS insists that Porsha talk to everyone and Nene rips into her like a hot chicken drummie.  Porsha is upset that Nene said she should be fired from the show, Nene denies using the word “fired”, Porsha demands receipts!  ROLL THE EFFIN’ TAPE!  Nene is prepared to fight like the experienced big dawg she is.  She wants a full audit, produce receipts for the last seven years, then we’ll talk!

nene-porsha-confront

Whew… well I don’t know about y’all, but I’m exhausted.  Next time – Cynthia tries her hand at Tinder, Kenya is having marital issues already, and Porsha continues to have idiot issues.

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Returns with Receipt

Kandi and Carmon fluff the pillows to prep for a gossip sesh with the crew, sans Frick and Fraud.  Kandi has also summoned Shamea, so they can get everything all the way out on the table.  Kandi springs the news that Porsha kissed her and offered an oral transaction to Kandi’s full satisfaction.  Cynthia starts screaming, Shamea is chugging from her red SOLO cup, SBS asks “tongue kiss?”, and Kenya falls off of her chair laughing hysterically.

Shamea chugging

SBS sees that Porsha is taking the fall for Phaedra, who was the instrumental in revving up these outlandish rumors, but more importantly, SBS cannot quite wrap her top knot around the fact that Porsha may be a “carpet muncher”.  Kandi continues and lays out another claim made by Porsha pertaining to Kandi and Todd (a.k.a. Marvin) allegedly planning to drug Porsha and Shamea and drag them back to their sex dungeon.  SCREAMING. JESUS. ON. A. FERRIS. WHEEL!  This is a new li’l nugget since last week, and I can understand why Kandi is pissed.  This is her reputation on the line, her family, and not to mention that Kandi doesn’t use drugs or alcohol.  Porsha’s anger management is failing her miserably.  She is still attacking people, but now in different form.

Cynthia freaking

Meanwhile, across town, Li’l Porsha carts a cooler full of her latest cleansing drink over to her sister’s house to rehash and garner support.  Porsha claims she was on beer goggles x 1000 and “blames it on da’ Henney!”  Okay, so you admit you were blind, stinking drunk, but can now clearly recall all these sordid details?  Maybe this lemonade/cayenne pepper cleanse is disrupting her memory, someone get this girl a carbohydrate, STAT!

The next day, Kandi and Todd are workin’ on the OLG, she is hoping to launch in about a month, and Todd has finally showered and changed his clothes.  Kandi is feeling a bit overwhelmed so she decides a trip to unwind with all of her mortal enemies is in order!  Todd, being fully familiar with the Bravo mandated trips of horror formula, invites Papa Smurf and Bob “crazy eyes” Whitfield.  Hell, why don’t you shoot a group text to Matt, Walter, and Kordell while you’re at it?  Maybe Apollo can get a furlough?

In other boring, filler news, Kenya takes her brother, niece, and nephews out for dinner.  The kids head into the bathroom to wash their hands while Kenya informs her brother about Matt’s latest antics.  She hasn’t seen Matt since Charlotte (they are on a break) and she is still making excuses for his violent behavior.  Her brother points out that she doesn’t have time to wait for him to mature and real-life relationships don’t get “breaks”.  So now we see who received the “voice of reason” gene in her family.

Cynthia and Kandi invite Phaedra out for some fish tacos – can we find the irony here?  Kandi invites Phaedra on the trip and informs Cynthia that Papa Smurf will be tagging along.  Cynthia is okay with the arrangement, she will have her own room and maybe she can get her nineteenth dose of “closure”.  I am not sure how much “closure” this woman needs, but it’s beginning to sound like “closure” is their code word for “booty call”.  Phaedra is a li’l wary because that is where she and Apollo honeymooned, so naturally she needs her security blanket, BFF Porsha.  Cynthia asks Phaedra what she thinks about all the Kandi chatter, but Phaedra doesn’t have “a cock in this fight”, so she is happy to sit back and watch her BFF go down like a fat kid on a seesaw.

SBS meets up with Bob “Crazy Eyes” Whitfield, for a quick prison work out.  Meaning upper body only, no bending over or squatting.  Before he even does his first bicep curl, he is sweating like a farm animal.  SBS invites him, his extra strength anti-perspirant, and his compression socks to Maui, but they will not be shackin’ up.  SBS feels the trip will be a good test to see if they can travel together without it being a cluster f*ck.

Phaedra and Porsha meet at a back-alley spa so they can shed some fat cells prior to flaunting their cellulite in Maui.  Porsha shows up looking like she just tumbled out of the 70’s porn section of the local costume shop.  The spa ladies wrap up Phaedra in some used Hefty garbage bags and then swaddle her in an electric blanket like a burrito.  Shit girrrrl, you coulda done this at home!  After Phaedra slithers out of her Hefty bags, she throws on some props to perform a hula dance for Porsha and invites her on the trip.  Porsha hesitates, but then remembers her Bravo contract requires her to attend all of the group trips from hell.  Have Bravo paycheck, will travel!

Phaedra Hula

Everyone is arriving at the airport, but Porsha thinks Hawaii is out of the country and is apparently lost on the underground rail road.  Eventually everyone arrives at the Four Seasons Maui and they disperse to their respective rooms to prepare for the dinner of doom, despite their severe jet lag.  Todd tells Kandi he is not looking forward to dinner “cuz that’s where y’all pop off”.  Spoken like a true former producer!

Porsha arrives at dinner with her own plus one, her new-sorta-kinda-boyfriend/booty call plus program, future baby-daddy, Todd.  Everything is awkward and quiet and Kandi goes into prayer, “Please Jesuzz…don’t let me snap off on dis’ beyotch!”  SBS and her top knot ain’t havin’ it, she breaks the ice and recommends that everyone get their crap out on the table.  She confronts Porsha first about saying slanderous things, but Porsha is sticking to her story.  The conversation escalates quickly and Cynthia points out that Porsha has said many damaging things to the ladies, but doesn’t have receipts to back it up.  Porsha throws a snide dagger her way “your divorce decree is your receipt!”  Well, Kandi don’t play, she comes at the lying bitch with both barrels and produces semi-glossy, full-color, handouts for the group.  A screen shot of the text from Porsha a few days after the aggressive lesbian propositioning.  The text is basically Porsha admitting things got crazy and what happens in Queens stays in Queens – she will deny, deny, deny.

Porsha text msg

Phaedra waves her prayer cloth around in an effort to calm everyone down, but she hears about the latest drugging accusation and is relegated to take several seats.  Kandi tells Porsha she will sue her if she keeps her shit up.  Papa Smurf tries to calm it down, but Kandi is Vaselined up and ready to thunder punch Porsha in the throat.  To be continued…

Next week, Phaedra brings up her idea of holding a “restoration service come to Jesuzz” sesh for the ladies, Kandi and Phaedra face off, SBS and Kenya get into it, and Bob Crazy Eyes and SBS confront their physical abuse rumors.

Tongue Lashing

It’s the last day of Glamping and Kandi has arranged for she and Hazel to ghost the scene via Uber, she is all the way over it and won’t be setting foot on the party bus from hell.  The rest of the assholes pile on the flaming party bus of horror, everyone appears hung over as hell from a combination of Hennessey, emotions, and burnt marshmallows.  Except SBS, who is as alert as a kitty cat and appears to have snuck in an extra bicep workout in the a.m.  Kenya starts the shit, asking Porsha how she feels after getting her head blown off the night before.  Porsha has owned up to throwing shade, even though it took her awhile to admit, but she laughs it off as if it was all in good fun, a prank if you will.  Sorry Porsha, a prank is putting Vaseline on someone’s phone earpiece, or taping down the handle to the spray attachment on the kitchen sink.  To make matters worse, Counselor Parks still claims ignorance, stating “I was not part of those conversations”.  SBS doles out a heavy dose of stink eye, this is far from over.

own-your-shit

Cynthia arrives home to the lake house and for some reason decides to inform her daughter, Noelle and her assistant, Vikhe about the lesbian gossip and that Cynthia may also be a lesbian according to her cohort’s definitions.  Cynthia admits to experimenting, which she defines as “kissed a girl, or if a girl has kissed you in places.”  The word “places” causes Noelle, (as well as myself), to shudder and Noelle is about to die of embarrassment and seeks solace in Vikhe’s bosom.  I hope that doesn’t make Noelle a lesbian!  OY VEY, these ladies are so stupid, inappropriate, and politically incorrect!

To further confirm that they are “strictly dickly”, Kenya invites Cynthia and Malorie to the medical spa to treat Cynthia to a vaginal rejuvenation.  Kenya runs down the benefits, not that she would know or need such a procedure.  Cynthia really needs a laser carrying the heat of 1,000 suns jammed up her hoo-ha, she will be tight and right and will acquire the ability to pop an orgasm while taking a small speed bump in her Land Rover.  Cynthia asks the good doctor about the side effects, which are “extra juices for a few days”.  Throw on a panty-liner and hang on to your wigs and keys – life as you know it is about to change!  They throw a fuzzy blanket from the Target Home collection over Cynthia’s knees and get to work.  Cynthia has visions of flowers and butterflies until the red-hot laser makes contact with her vaginal walls.  The smell of her burning innards permeates the room and they all want to vomit.

After Cynthia is on the mend from her vagina resurfacing, she sits down with her partner at the Bailey Agency Skewl of Fashion for Wayward Models to plan a fashion show debacle for her new Cargo line.  She is going out on a limb and inviting SBS to stop by and discuss the possible involvement of Kairo.  Before SBS arrives, Cynthia has just enough time to explain to her partner that SBS has some lofty expectations that must be crushed like a paper cup!

crush-you-paper-cup

SBS transforms into “Momager” mode with a dash of psycho as soon as her ass hits the vinyl seat.  She wants compensation and free product.  Cynthia informs her there is no paycheck and he will receive one backpack and the priceless exposure.  SBS pushes for two backpaks, but Cynthia ain’t budging.  Cargo is a small company and those Mexican sweatshop workers can only sew so fast.  SBS lays down further demands, Kairo can only work on weekends because he’s in school.  Cynthia has to restrain herself from laughing, imagining how far she would have gotten if she had gotten Calvin Klein or Ralph Lauren on the horn and told him she could only work at 2 p.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays after her Chem Lab.  She urges Momager to allow Kairo to make the decision, but SBS emits a hearty chortle and says he will do what she tells him.

Across town, Kandi gathers her staff at the Kandi Factory and they sit in the obnoxiously oversized pleather chairs to hear the latest gossip Porsha is serving.  Kandi admits that on one drunken evening, Porsha kissed her and offered to perform an oral transaction to Kandi’s full 100% satisfaction.  Don Juan hurtles into outer space at hearing this news.  Clearly Porsha has graduated from wearing her water wings when it comes to the Lady Pond.  Kandi had kept the encounter between them on the DL for years, besides it was a fun night and they went to the Waffle House afterwards.  What could be better?!?!  Well, Porsha done f*cked up, now, the cat is outta the bag and Kandi won’t be holding back.

Later, there is a short bit where Kandi takes Riley to the studio to record a new song.  She wants Riley to pour her anger toward Block into a song and turn that pain into some serious coin.  Riley looks like she would rather have a back alley Brazilian wax than be at this studio.  Of course, Block never came through after his latest promises to visit with Riley, SHOCKING.  This song will not be a hit.  I repeat.  THIS IS NOT A HIT.  Sorry Riley, you can’t sing like your mama, stick to what you do best, sulking around like a moody pre-teen.  You’ll have plenty of time to mismanage your anger due to daddy issues when you reach your 40’s.

Counselor Parks arrives at her lawyer’s office and they show her getting out of her Mercedes and walking up to the office in slo-mo, ‘cuz everybody knows, Phaedra is a straight up G!  The lawyer informs her that the judge signed the order and the divorce is final!  Phaedra runs down her checklist of psychological damage control measures, which she must deploy tout de suit!  The lawyer then informs her that the court only served Apollo, they do not notify him of the outcome, so our good Counselor is tasked with delivering that fun li’l nugget of information.  Bring a power drill and a bucket o’ hinges for him and hopefully he will remain clam.  As Phaedra slips off her wedding ring and beats feet to “CASH 4 GOLD”, we are treated to a flashback of all the disgustingness that was Apollo.  Complete with the pickle photo shoot, sucking face like rabid otters in public, Apollo blatantly flirting with Kenya, and we cannot leave out the garage freak out of terror.  Have fun dropping dat bomb, Counselor Parks!  I sure hope commissary stocks popcorn in the vending machine on visiting day!

Later Phaedra drops by Porsha’s new multi-million-dollar home and she comes bearing Hennessey to see if Porsha will take a few shots and then offer up an oral transaction that would blow the Counselor’s mind.  They tour the house and oddly enough end up sitting on the bed discussing Phaedra’s divorce.  Phaedra delivered the news to Apollo and he wasn’t happy, but Phaedra doesn’t know what his fuss is about, seeing as how he has a prison pen-pal turned girlfriend, turned fiancé.  Yea, what could go wrong there?

Later, Porsha meets up with her pseudo-boyfriend, Todd, to determine if he is ready for a mature, adult relationship and some snuggie-wuggies and kissy-wissies.  Todd has brought her a diamond necklace, indicating he is fully aware that he is in the dawg house.  Porsha accepts the gift and then rips him a new asshole.  This is HER VISION, DAMN IT, and he had better follow the script to the letter or they are dunzo!  Todd hangs his head in shame and agrees to fill out an application at Domino’s so he can earn some walkin’ around money.

The final act is the Kandi vs. Porsha showdown, where Porsha’s plan of attack is to act like she threw Kandi under the lesbian bus because she was mad and didn’t think it would be repeated.  Jezzuz Porsha, have you seen this show?  In true Kandi fashion, she proceeds to call Porsha out, stating she is playing dumb and she is the one keeping her life activities as secret.  Kandi has always had her freak flag fully on display, if she was hookin’ up with women and had a sex dungeon she would make it know, because that would be FLY!

porsha-kandi-argue

Kandi admits to having some romps with women and one time Todd was involved, but it was only once.  There is no sex dungeon, just li’l Todd doing his best between taking care of Baby Ace and trying to get the OLG project off the ground.  Kandi then confronts Porsha about her proposition, “you tongued me down, bitch!”  Porsha brings up some woman she claims Kandi has had relations with for seven years and asserts that Kandi slept with several R&B groups to get to the top.  Kandi reveals that Porsha met Block because she was ho-in’ around with another rapper who knew Block and Porsha was a “pass around”.  The insults are flying around like ping pong balls, “I’m not into teacups, short and stout”, “Todd uses an Alias, Marvin, so he can cheat!”, “flip floppin’ women in yo’ bed like pancakes, You an International STANK HO!”

marvin

Porsha claims that she has the phone number of the woman claiming she had a seven-year relationship with Kandi and says she will text it to Kandi so she can deal with it.  Kandi can’t take anymore, so she walks out while Porsha mutters “toodles, bitch!”

Next time, preparations and a lot of waxing for the Bravo mandated trip to Maui.  Kandi and Porsha continue to fight, and what is Papa Smurf doing on this trip?  Does he want to try out Cynthia’s vaginal rejuvenation?

Pitchin’ and Bitchin’

The ladies are still on the party bus of doom, careening off the rails, straight to the campground of sweltering obliteration.  When they arrive, Phaedra announces she only planned for six rooms, so a few attendees with their un-invited plus ones will need to bunk up.  Marlo swiftly guarantees her single room status by announcing that she has horrific gastro-intestinitis, sphylkis of the ganectagazoink, which leaves everyone immediately revolted.

Luckily, Phaedra has planned the first night to be spent in the wild sleeping in tents, so Marlo’s gaseous emissions will be able to become one with the wind.  Before they head out to pitch tents for two hours, Marlo and SBS take a quick moment to caucus and decide that at some point SBS will bring up the latest gossip about Kandi dippin’ in the lady pond.  SBS is doing a public service, really… how can these “frienemies” bond when they can’t be honest with each other.  SBS, you are a Bravo producer’s dream.

The ladies re-board the party bus to hellfire and attempt to set up camp.  Everyone struggles with their tents, except Phaedra who decides to just camp out in her party print maxi-dress.  In the first low blow of the night, Kenya asks SBS for help with her air mattress since SBS has extensive expertise.  Let’s not leave out Phaedra, who used to kick it with Apollo on his air matters for their 2:00 a.m. booty courtship calls.

When they finally settle by the campfire, the focus is on Marlo – she has actually taken the time to bedazzle her can of “OFF” and her flashlight.  Phaedra asks Marlo what is on-trend besides bedazzled insect repellent cans and camel toe.  Marlo recommends lashes and suggests Kenya get better ones.  Lauren asks about this underlying rift between Marlo and Kenya and they hash it out over the non-invites to Kenya’s recent parties.  Giiirrrllll…you didn’t miss much!  Kenya has already apologized and isn’t going back down that bedazzled road.  Marlo takes another swing, calls Kenya miserable, her earrings and eyelashes a disaster, you can’t keep a broke man, and your own mother won’t even talk to you.  LOW.  EFFING.  BLOW.  EVEN.  FOR.  YOU.  MARLO.  YOU.  STANK.  ASS.  HO!  Although the other insults were on point.  Phaedra puts the kibosh on the trash talk and delivers an inspirational pep talk about how they should come together as sistas and not call each other prostitutes and ho’s.  Good call, Counselor!  Meanwhile, SBS is huddled up in her sleeping bag, bustin’ at the seams with her lesbian rumor agenda, just waiting for the prime moment to pounce.  She is a mess on wheels.

pitching-tents

The next day, they all sport their on-trend camel toe outfits to lunch and Kenya asks Phaedra how goes the divorce process.  Kandi points out that if one spouse goes to jail, she heard that the state would grant a divorce within 60 days….or some shit like dat.  Porsha comes to the defense of her bestie, stating that Apollo is the one holding up the show because he doesn’t want the divorce.  Let’s leave the legal stuff to Counselor Parks, shall we?  Anyhoo, Cynthia diffuses the tension by updating the crew on her divorce, which will be final very soon, but Papa Smurf wasn’t at the final signing.  Cynthia becomes emotional, she wanted that one last good bye with Papa, but I guess it hasn’t occurred to her that seeing her may be too painful for him considering she rebuffed his invitation to head back to his air mattress, while they said goodbye at Club One.  That was your big moment to get you some break-up sex, Cynthia!  Have these ho’s you are surrounded by taught you NOTHING?!?!?  The ladies rally around Cynthia, reaffirm that she is beautiful, smart, and successful, and will find a man to rise up to meet her standards.  Now there’s some real support!

They head out to meet a camp ground crew dude, who looks like he just rolled off of Willie Nelson’s tour bus.  He orders them into the kayaks and paddle boats, and gives them a good shove into the polluted cesspool they call a lake.  SBS freaks out as if someone set her weave and her favorite Fabletics leggings on fire, I haven’t heard SBS shriek like that since “who gon’ check me, boo?”

sheree-paddleboat

She cannot have non-chlorinated water near her vagina, and who knows what else lurks in those waters.  After the boating bust, the ladies are ordered to free fall into a fiery abyss from 100 feet up.  Most of the ladies participate and do so with grace and coolness, but leave it to Porsha to have a full-blown, hyperventilation, crying, laughing, freak out.  I mean, what’s the worst that could happen, you break a toe nail?

high-jump

The last 15 minutes of the show concludes with the death dinner of truth.  Kenya apologizes to Marlo once again, Marlo apologizes for the mother comment and they both accept, with a grain of salt.  The gang is barely past their opening cocktail and Marlo asks Kandi if she is a lesbian.  SBS and Porsha must have been attending discount acting classes in between Anger Management and working out, they both act totally shocked by this rumor.

marlo-asks-kandi

Kandi demands to know who said it and SBS won’t name names and gives everyone an opportunity to own up to it.  Phaedra is sucking back her wine as if it were black tar heroin.  SBS finally calls out Porsha, and then Porsha admits to insinuating Kandi was a lesbian, but chalks it up to a shady moment.  Production flashes back “Two Minutes Earlier”, to Porsha doing an impression of an unwise owl “WHO?  WHO? WHA? WHO SAID THAT?”  Comedy.  Gold.  Porsha tries to slide Phaedra into the mix with her Shamea comment, accompanied by international hand gesture for sexual intercourse, but it becomes a little glossed over with all the additional pandemonium and screeching.  Kandi clarifies that she is happy with her husband, she admits she has experimented, but she isn’t the only one who has dipped in the lady pond (Porsha this means you!)  It turns into a word-war between Kandi and Porsha about who did what, who knows what, who has been where, who tossed a salad, who performed a reach around, who fully immersed in the lady pond, and who’s full of shit.  In the end, Kandi thanks SBS for letting her know what was said behind her back, but this is not over.

kandi-confront-rumor

The groups retire to their respective rooms to hash through their own versions of what just went down.  Kandi gets line of the night, “when she [Porsha] gets drunk, she becomes an aggressive lesbian.”

We have a teaser for “this season” on RHATL, which shows some upcoming drama – a trip to Maui, SBS finally moving into Chateau by Sheree, Cynthia and Peter playing kissy face, Phaedra pulling some shadiness with her divorce, Porsha is pregnant, SBS and Bob falling back in love and then apart, Apollo is engaged, Kim “wigs’-n-cigs” Zolciak returns, and Kandi Vaseline’s her face up, ready to fight Porsha.

The Doctor is IN

Kenya and Phaedra are pretending to shop for glamping, as if they are going on a real trip where they will be “roughing it” and roasting marshmallows on sticks.  Meanwhile, the Bravo intern is hard at work constructing a “Survivor-style” set where they can pretend to sit around and argue to provide enough footage for the last 15 minutes of the next episode.  Phaedra calls Kenya out for throwing around her gasoline and matches at the anger mismanagement non-dinner and suggests she take it easy on ol’ Porsha, but the Glamping supply store is fresh out of their “Irrational Skank Compassion Kit.”  Phaedra gives her the “I’ll take that under advisement” side-eye as she pays for a collapsible poop shovel.

phaedra-side-eye

Porsha is contemplating going on the glamping trip from hell, but not without an anger mismanagement tune up.  The therapist checks in on homework assignments and Porsha admits she was tested.  Doc diagnoses her with a flimsy support system at best and encourages her to go on the trip, map out all the possible scenarios that could go down, and then plan her response to each scenario.  This sounds like an awful lotta paperwork to complete in order to go sit in the dirt and eat raw hot dogs.  If she weren’t contractually obligated to go, I would recommend she stay home and try out her DIY vagina resurfacing kit.

Cynthia stops by Moore Manor and offers her friendship-contract, relationship-counseling, wavering-mediator services to Kenya and Matt.  Kenya agrees that Cynthia should have a sit down with him and I am asking myself “why are we still entertaining this relationship?”  I thought we all agreed after he hulked out and effed up Moore Manor and Range Rover, that we were done with him and done replacing garage windows!  Cynthia sits down with Matt, her trusty notebook, and mechanical pencil.  She asks Matt for succinct bullet points, which she can then transform into a convincing Power Point to take back to Kenya.  Communication, respect, and an occasional turkey sandwich is all she gets out of him.  Cynthia alludes to Kenya being a bit of a drama queen, he a drama king, annnnd the Dr. is OUT!  Matt compensates Cynthia for her professional counseling sesh by giving her a crumpled-up coupon he finds in his pocket for a free snack-size hot wing with drink purchase at Bar None.

dr-is-in

Kenya pops in at Cynthia’s new lake house and they cop a squat on the dock overlooking the green water to review the Matt shakedown.  Cynthia is all like – “uh Matt why you keep breakin’ Kenya’s stuff?”  It boils down to lack of respect, and his reaction is in direct response to her action.  Kenya calls bullshit and her weave hairs stand up.  Cynthia points out the dramatics, but Kenya denies “I’m not that girl, I have evolved, I have been ride or die with you!”  I think she may have that tattooed somewhere on her body.  Cynthia explains that she did stand up for Kenya, but Kenya is not ready to receive this message.  It brings her back to a darker time when Cynthia denied their friendship, but labeled it as “evolving”.  Kenya gets madder than a wet hen, questions Cynthia’s loyalty, then storms off.  Precisely proving Cynthia’s point.

kenya-lake

Kandi throws a surprise white party for Shamea’s engagement, but none of the cast-mates received the white memo.  Shamea arrives, but becomes teary-eyed when she learns Porsha won’t be attending.  Kandi takes the cast-mates up to the roof-top deck for a more intimate shade-throwing sesh.  Kandi explains what’s been going on and why Porsha is MIA, then SBS picks this ripe moment to let the cat out of the bag – Phaedra has been running around town saying that Shamea goes after all of the ATL huzzzbands and her BFFL, Porsha, didn’t defend her.  Shamea is like “whatevs!”  If that were the case, she would have hooked up with Apollo because he made many, many attempts at her.  To top off the shit sundae, she says that Phaedra is no “Southern Belle” and word was very heavy on the streets about Ms. Parks.  Shamea makes her own counter-blasting hand gesture, indicating that Ms. Parks is open for bidness and takes oral transactions.

shamea-shocked

Later, Porsha visits Shamea to make up for her absence at the white-party engagement hootenanny, but Shamea feels that with all of Porsha’s anger mismanagement training, she should have put those personal issues in a box and showed her face by Crayola.  Shamea also asks why her BFFL didn’t defend her in the Phace of Phaedra’s trash talkin’.  Porsha plays dumb, and thinks this was all said in the underground railroad where cameras and mics are forbidden.  ROLL.  THE.  MUTHA.  EFFEN.  TAPE!  Shamea seems fairly forgiving, so she lets it go for now realizing her BFFL is dumb as a box o’ peach pits.

It’s the day of the glamping trip, and we are treated to the dueling pre-party snack-spreads of calamity.  Kenya actually puts out a descent spread for the ladies in anticipation of much fortitude required for riding the li’l party bus from hell.

kenya-spread

Over at Chateu She Ain’t Doin’ Shit over there…SBS puts a card table on her front porch with some mini-muffins still in the store-bought containers, a roll of paper towels, lukewarm champagne, and plastic cups.  If I didn’t know any better, I would think she was prepping for the Bad Mom’s bake sale.

sbs-bake-sale

Cynthia arrives at Kenya’s, waving her “it’s all good” white flag in hopes that she hasn’t entered breach of friend contract territory.  Cynthia reassures Kenya that she always has her back, they toast, and make up.  Phaedra arrives and is more preoccupied about the disappearance of Porsha at all recent Bravo-mandated events.  How can she Frick without her Frack?

A few foreclosed lots away, Marlo is first to arrive at SBS and her sad display.  Marlo is wearing a statement necklace, which appears as if it could decapitate her at any moment.  Marlo is not down for glamping, all she has packed are 5” heels and her dominatrix gear.  Porsha shows up, but she has a new Frick in her back pocket by way of sister/manager/peach-holdin’ wannabe, Lauren.  And they are dressed exactly alike in cheap tank tops and cut-off Daisy Duke’s.  Porsha tries to have a chat with SBS, whom she lovingly dubs “Ms. Messy”.  But SBS will not be destroyed, she felt it was only fair to share the gossip with all of America.  SBS holds the peach of truth and will not rest until these crazy beyotches stop talkin’ about each other!

Once they are all aboard the party bus, everyone starts becoming quite miffed about various things.  Kandi has a plus one with her friend Hazel, no one seems to want Marlo around, Porsha labels Phaedra and Kenya the new Frack and Whack, and Cynthia asks why Lauren is there.  Leave it to Porsha to produce a “doctors note”, Phaedra snatches it from her hand and reads it aloud as if it were a joke.  Kandi and Kenya immediately start in, they think Porsha is full of shit.  Phaedra is bummed, they aren’t even outside the city limits and the wheels are coming off the party bus.

Next time – the glamping begins and tensions rise with Marlo and well, everyone.

Poppin’ Up for a Purpose

Phaedra and Ayden are in full preparation mode for the pop-up shop event, 50% of all proceeds to benefit the children of Flint, Michigan.  Ayden is truly his mother’s child, he is manufacturing tie dye tee-shirts, which say #fixitjesus on the back.  After a hard day of labor on the printing press, he shifts over to the kitchen to produce his A+ chocolate chip cookies for $6.99 a piece!  He isn’t screwin’ around, this kid came to raise some coin!

The production line is temporarily halted due to a call from an overly-concerned Cynthia.  She has 81 questions about how this pop-up event will work, such as where she can store her wardrobe changes and will there be a boxed lunch?

Across town, SBS is shopping for overpriced wall coverings, because wall “paper” is just so 2002.  Her decorator has sent his intern, none other than Marlo “check my charges” Hampton.  They use the outing as an excuse to dish about Kenya, the fact that she’s balls on nuts crazy, and that Moore Manor is a dump without working plumbing.

Speaking of Moore Manor, Kenya returns to find her garage door glass broken out again, her Land Rover rear window smashed in, and her security cameras spray painted over.  This has Matt written all over it, in his own blood, and it’s high time he exit stage left and lay off the GNC “supplements”.  THIS.  SITUATION.  IS.  FRAUGHT.  WITH.  PERIL!  Kenya is crying her false eyelashes off and calls Kandi to seek advice so she can continue ignoring the obvious truth.  Kandi gives her a healthy dose of “wake up and smell the restraining order”, but Kenya still seems to think there is hope.  WWMJD?  (what would Mama Joyce do?)  Kandi offers her the guest house if she needs to crash for a few days, but she really doesn’t mean it.

Later, Kenya visits Phaedra to discuss the pop-up event, but can’t hold back her tears of woe.  She spills the Matt beans and Phaedra explains that EVERYBODY KNOWS that bad behavior intensifies 110% and by 110 volts.  We are treated to a flashback of Apollo wielding a power drill and chasing her around the garage.  Phaedra recommends counseling, but safety is paramount.  She offers a quick prayer for her and they hug it out.

world_according_to_phaedra_parks1

Kenya decides the best course of action is to head over to Kandi’s with Cynthia in tow and announce that they will be moving in.  I think they are a couple now.  Kandi is a bit stunned, she didn’t actually think Kenya would take her up on the offer, much less bring her new plus one.  Cynthia’s lake house purchase may be sinking in the mire, but she has already sold the townhome and must move out.  Kandi seems to avoid the question and they discuss the outrage over Phaedra expecting 50% of the profits from the pop-up event be donated.  SBS recalled something different and Kandi leads them to some discussion about SBS not recalling facts correctly.  Somehow out of all this mire, we end up with an assumption that when Porsha admitted to receiving a “golden shower” when they played “Never Have I Ever” on the boat trip from hell, she must have been referring to Block.  I’m sure this will come up at the reunion.

cynthia-kenya-move-in

It’s the day of the pop up shop event, which is about as exciting as a Jiffy Lube waiting room – SBS set’s up her table with “Who gon’ check me boo” tee shirts, because hey, a tired catch phrase never goes out of style.  Kenya mocks the setup from SBS, which is put together with prayers and chewing gum.  Kenya’s “team of experts” put up this hideous banner which looks like it was folded up in the trunk of her car.  The fold lines are visible and it looks terrible, I hope she at least has product in her bottles instead of water.  One interesting item of note, Apollo’s parents show up and seem to have a good relationship with Phaedra.

kenya-pop-up-shop

Marlo shows up, still looking for her peach.  In order to avoid a scene, Kenya pulls her aside to apologize for the non-invite to the housewarming party.  Marlo points out she dissed her on the birthday party too, after soliciting her advice on the planning!  No meow-down here, Marlo ain’t havin’ it and she walks away.  To be continued…

kenya-marlo

Kandi stays for about 20 minutes, but must leave because her Spanx are suffocating her.  She tells Phaedra she’ll write a check for $2,500.  Porsha donates 100% of her proceeds, which was $1,000.  Cynthia donates $1,000 in profit, SBS $595 in profit, and Kenya brings in a measly $450.  Hmmm…who gon’ check me now, BOO!?!?  All told, Phaedra raised $7,541.  At the end of the event, Ayden approaches Cynthia to collect on a cookie she took and told him she would pay him later, “can I please have my money?”  He’s too cute to be a debt collector.debt-collector

Next week, Kenya and Phaedra Thelma and Louise it, Bob is still trying to win over SBS, Porsha confronts Todd about his intentions, and Kenya life coaches the children at Phaedra’s camp.

Talkin’ it Out

Porsha has volunteered to babysit for Phaedra’s boys so that Counselor Parks can attend to her personal bidness.  Porsha is ready for her “dry-run” at practicing single parenthood, but Mr. President and his sidekick Dylan are giving her a run for her money.  Porsha orders they put on their “Pajammy jams” and get ready for bed, but Mr. President Ayden is a shrewd toddler.  He negotiates some additional playtime, a new toy, an extra story, a bedtime snack, and a 529 College Fund.  Probably the funniest moment is when Porsha thinks she has misplaced Ayden, but he is actually hiding behind a chair changing into is pajammy jams so that he won’t be exposed on camera.  You would think Bravo could muster up a small black modesty box that would cover his whole being.  When Counselor Parks returns from the salon after getting her polish change, Porsha collapses on the couch and runs through the seven stages of single parenting, disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and finally acceptance/hope.  Porsha admits she may need a partner to help raise a family.  It takes a village, or at least a willing ex-boyfriend with a mega-watt smile!

Later, Porsha brings Todd to her mother’s home for a family dinner, Todd is on the menu…hop on da’ grill young man!  Todd is extremely quiet and sporting his best perma-grin, he seriously looks like he just rolled out of Snoop Dogg’s man cave.  Lauren gets the full dirt on Todd – he and Porsha dated a few years in their early twenties, Todd was fresh out of a relationship when he got the text from Porsha, and he has two sons, 16 and 14.  This is like a scene out of the Bachelorette where the family grills the jumpy suitor – but Todd proclaims he would gladly start a family with Porsha because he loves her.  Porsha is floored that Todd was first to drop the L-Bomb and it is usually she who is the aggressor, all the way to the restraining order phase of the relationship.  She is working her new anger management, patience, and act like a normal woman skills – they are paying high dividends!

porsha-todd

We have learned that li’l Ayden didn’t want to be exposed on camera, however another housewife son has no problem baring all.  Kairo is in the makeup chair and stage mom SBS sprays him down with Pam cooking spray – he is ready rock the photo shoot and assemble a portfolio for his impending modeling career.  Bob and his crazy eye waddle in – seriously, what is up with this guy – he walks like he has a janky knee and a trick hip.  Bob pretends to be horrified and covers up Kairo with his white embroidered western wear shirt – careful Bob, Pam cooking spray will leave a nasty stain!  SBS is happy that her ex showed up to support their son, but she is firm in her position of “Momager”.

kairo-modelling

Later, SBS and Kairo request a professional evaluation from Cynthia Bailey – owner of the Bailey Agency for wayward models.  Cynthia can’t take her eyes off of Kairo and asks to see his abs, drop down and give her 20, and strike some serious Blue Steel.  Cynthia is so overwhelmed by his smokin’ hotness, she is sweating like Bob Whitfield!  SBS thinks Kairo is ready to walk at NY Fashion Week, after all SBS is the expert – she can throw a fashion show with no clothes.  Cynthia laughs her middle-aged model ass off and cautions SBS to slow her momager roll.

It may not hurt Cynthia to have a new client by way of Karo, she also learns that her offer of $940,000 on the new lake house was accepted!  Cynthia is thrilled, she prayed for a tub like the one in the lake house, where she can soak off the greazy film of her marriage.

Sidebar:  Cynthia’s real estate agent, Flavia, called to give her the news and I could have sworn Cynthia said “Labia”.  Not sure that is worth mentioning, but it sure gave me a chuckle!  Could you imagine…  Anyhoo – the Bravo paychecks are keepin’ her dream alive for now, but now we wait until Papa Smurf files for spousal support.  MMM HMMM, betta make those coins, gurrrrrl!

On the Kenya Moore front, she is safely secured inside Moore Manor, except for the area where Matt kicked out the IKEA grade glass from the garage doors.  She calls her father on her iPhone, which Matt apparently also smashed, and she gives her father the update.  Papa don’t take no mess and his ass is on a plane to ATL as they speak – First Class PUH-LEAZE!

Ronald arrives and we get a better look at Moore Manor in its finished state, which I have to say is quite nice.  She has one of those really cool, modern, abstract light fixtures that are so expensive I cannot bring myself to buy one.  Anyway, she pretends to cook dinner by way of some frozen Trader Joe’s meals and Ronald is on an anti-Matt rant and points out each painfully evident fact about how the relationship is doomed.  Kenya’s face keeps falling with each sentence he utters – she expresses probably one of the worst things a woman can about a flailing relationship, “he has potential”.  Don’t do it Miss USA – do not fall in love with a man’s POTENTIAL!  Just like we learned last week, good fried chicken don’t pay da bills, and neither does potential!

Kenya and Ronald arrive at a cigar bar and wait for Matt to arrive, but after 30 minutes he is still a no show.  No show.  No pay da’ bills.  Kenya’s shattered iPhone reflects the status of her relationship – Matt is not coming and his li’l thumbs of fury needed to send 17 irrational text messages to convey that simple thought!  Kenya rings him up and Matt says he isn’t coming because he feels manipulated.  Kenya warns Matt to watch his tone and he hangs up.  Now Ronald is pissed, and he’s HONGRAY!

ronald-angry

Matt finally strolls in, wearing his best Garanimals from the “Where’s Waldo” collection and proceeds to tell Ronald that Kenya doesn’t respect his boundaries – he is not about to be her li’l beyotch.  Ronald lectures both of them about “give and take”, but ultimately tells Matt he is going to have to accept Kenya’s crazy twirling and lack of baseboards in her home or get into his truck and put the pedal to the metal!

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Now, let’s get down to the real reason we all slogged through the last 43 minutes of this shit show…At the Kandi Koated Factory, Kandi is conveniently having a meeting with her shade-throwin’ staff when Phaedra’s assistant calls to set up a dinner meeting.  The staff looks confused, Don Juan asks “what the goallllll?”  Kandi gives them the bomb threat briefing and of course they all rally around the woman signing their paychecks and agree that Phaedra’s version of the bomb threat story is bullshit.  Kandi speculates that the “bodyguard” hired by Phaedra is actually her new boyfriend and the bottom line is that Kandi isn’t cool with the continual inconsistent stories.  Sidebar:  Kandi looks smokin’ in her purple dress – it must be the victorious radiance from casting all the shade on her former BFF.

kandi-purple-dress

Over at Phaedra’s office, she receives a visit from Drama’s mother to discuss the bomb threat.  Phaedra was upset about all the “sensationalized” stories that went around the ATL and she is angry with Kandi for not reining in Mama Joyce when she said that Drama “wanted to blow you the f*ck up!”  Not too much to see here, but Drama’s Mama looks like she’s seen some thangs…#ifyaknowwhatimsayin’!

The final showdown takes place at Katana Teppanyaki and Sushi, where the wait staff wear plaid lumberjack shirts.  The two former besties start goin’ at each other right out of the gate and they both have a laundry list of grievances against one another.  After they run through the good ol’ standards…Mama Joyce, Todd, Sexual Chocolate, and beyond… Kandi feels that Phaedra milked Apollo’s incarceration to garner sympathy, when all the while she had been telling Kandi she couldn’t wait for his power-drill wielding dumb ass to be gone.  Further weaving her tales of woe, Phaedra tells Kandi she may have loved her more than her huzzzband, but Kandi isn’t down with melting in Phaedra’s hands or her mouth.  Um…EWW!  They decide to bid each other goodbye and best wishes, Kandi makes a swift exit, while Phaedra remains seated and pretends to peruse the menu, hmmm….Rainbow or Seattle Roll?

Next time – Cynthia shows her boobs, SBS shares the rumor about Phaedra skippin’ around on Apollo before he want to jail, and Kandi is mad about something, again.

Good Fried Chicken Don’t Pay Da’ Bills

We are back at the scene of the bomb threat and Phaedra makes her way into her office taking elf sized steps because her spanx are too tight.  There are about four painfully evident staged extras posing as paparazzi outside the elevator.  Phaedra hand picks one of the paparazzi to enter the office and be honored with the true scoop, which turns out to be a whole lotta nuthin’!  The man enters, wearing a hat that reads, “I Pledge to Hustle”.  We learn that the man who threatened the office with a bomb is a ‘90’s rapper named “Drama” and he is a former client and good friend of Phaedra’s for over 20 years.  He did some prison time and apparently looks crazier than a bed bug, he entered the wrong law office and announced he was “dropping of some bomb new music” and apparently, the conservative white people got it twisted.  What kind of f*ckery is this?  Racial profiling at the receptionist’s desk, that’s what!  Or so Counselor Parks believes, so she decides to hold a summit to discuss preventative security and how they can teach the office staff to brush up on their Urban Dictionary vocab so they may decipher the difference between “bomb lyrics” and an actual “bomb”.

Over at Moore Manor, Cynthia drops by to admire the disposable furniture and the untouched Gucci cake from Matt’s birthday.  Cynthia confused – why baby Matt no eat his cake?  Kenya explains how Matt hulked out over her throwback Thursday photo with Jay-Z.  Cynthia gives her some incoherent speech about how Papa Smurf went on Wendy Williams to air their dirty divorce laundry, Kenya needs a strong man who has the upper body strength to carry her crown, and well overall it’s not all rainbows and panda bears and Kenya needs to think about how she can do better to improve the relationship.  What in the fresh hell is this untoward advice?  Better advice would have been “drink a pint of Tequila Rose and find some stooge on Tinder”.  Kenya starts tearing up because she is at a fork in the road, I say pick up the fork and eat the cake before that fondant goes stale!

Later, Cynthia visits her divorce attorney and finds out they can proceed rather quickly and she will receive a divorce certificate – oh Cynthia and her love of formalized paperwork!  They each check the box saying they can go be happy and marry other people, they each receive a laminated copy bound in a genuine Corinthian leather folio, and hopefully move on with their lives.

The OLG Restaurant is still a slapdash shit show and Todd is bee-bopping around the restaurant shell talking to himself, when he really should be hitting leg day at the gym to pump up those Tweety Bird legs!  OHMYLANTA…he is wearing a backpack, LOOK ALIVE KANDI!  This is how it all started with Apollo and his backpack o’ scumf*ckery.  Kandi and her “I dream of Jeannie” hair piece can only fixate on the liquor license, which is about to expire in 45 days if the restaurant isn’t finished!

kandi-worried

Speaking of 45-day time frames, Porsha needs to be out of her current rental home in 45 days, which she thinks “is like three weeks, right?”  Thank God for her sister Lauren, she is there to guide her out of the underground railroad of stupidity and into the kitchen to start packing her shit.  Porsha sits Lauren and her mother’s camel toe down in the living room for a serious chat – the real motivation behind moving into a larger home is her plan to receive her ex-Todd’s seed and start the family she always wanted.  Porsha reminisces that Todd’s last name is also Stewart and he had sent her a text years ago, on her wedding day, pointing out that she was “marrying the wrong Stewart”.  Oh Todd, you should’ve gone all “Benjamin Braddock” on her and stopped the wedding!  Oh wait, these millennials full o’ fluff are too young to remember “The Graduate”.

benjamin-braddock

In other news, is it just me or does Mama Joyce need some serious meds?  She saunters over to Randy Kessler’s office wearing a pathetic excuse for a disguise and poses as if she is seeking legal advice “for a friend”.  Yeah Mama – you’re about as subtle as Kenya’s knockers in her Forever 21 clearance rack outfits.  Mama grills Kessler about her “hypothetically incarcerated man, divorce, how long, etc.” questions and he gives her a standard legal answer about as clear as Georgia mud, yes if incarcerated, no if less than a year, yes if more than five years, but not for a qualifying misdemeanor, third felony maybe, but hypothetically speaking if he earns more than $500 a week for twerking, overall likelihood is no, yes, well probably they could divorce rather swiftly, but not if his prison uniform is orange.  If he is assigned a blue DOC jumpsuit, then he can appeal the divorce and get divorced in seven years without any paperwork, but he will never see his backpack of tomfoolery again.

Mama clearly has nothing to do with her life.  Jeez lady, take a pottery class, learn how to knit, watch Judge Judy…anything but this.  Mama tells the camera, “I wouldn’t piss in yo’ mouth if yo’ guts was on fire!”  Dayum Mama, that is just unbecoming.  Furthermore, I have now become entirely mortified that I am actually using brain cells to figure out her disguise choice, much less her warped psyche.

Kandi decides she needs to start testing the OLG recipes with the new chef, which consists of fried chicken and mac-n-cheese.  If these are the heavy hitting recipes – including banana mush in an over-sized wine glass served with canned whipped cream, then I truly fear for the success of this restaurant venture.  Kandi decides to hold the tasting at a culinary school since the restaurant isn’t finished and, well who wants a li’l asbestos sprinkled on their mac-n-cheese?  Not I said the OLG.  The OLG’s arrive wearing their support hose, ready to taste food and be despondent for the camera.  Kandi has invited her cast mates and Mama Joyce starts salivating at the thought of giving Phaedra a taste, Mama Joyce hood rat style.  Kandi senses Mama’s hunger and warns her to lay off of Phaedra and to not use the word “bomb”, “fuse”, “lit” or otherwise!

Kenya comes boppin’ in and her knockers are having an explosion of their own, over the top of her undersized outfit, they are just too much.  Anyhoo, She by Shereé (SBS) sits next to Mama Joyce and pounces on her own opportunity to stir up the shit pot and informs Mama that Kenya threw shade on her wiglette hairstyle, Mama shoots a harmless stink eye, but let’s Kenya off the hook.  Mama is too focused on Phaedra’s arrival, as soon as she walks in, she takes Phaedra’s hands and acts as if she is trying to comfort her.  There are not enough prayer cloths in all of the ATL to save Phaedra now…oh wait, sensing the dis-comfort, Kandi pulls Mama away and Phaedra gets the zinger of the night, “thank God she kept her shoes on!”

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Phaedra takes several seats and explains what happened with the alleged bomb threat.  Mama Joyce said that she heard that the guy was tired of being messed around and wanted to blow Phaedra the f*ck up.  Phaedra sloughs it off, drops a “Homeland Security” on her, and BAM…Mama Joyce is now on a watch list somewhere in D.C.  Phaedra explained that her office is conservative and this was all a result of racial profiling, but her former BFF, Kandi, calls bullshit and thinks Phaedra is Phakin’.

So with that shit put to rest, SBS asks Kandi what’s going on with Block and asks Porsha if Block talked about Riley while they were dating.  Oh SBS, you wily Mama Joyce wiglette wearin’ minx.  Porsha is getting her money’s worth out of the anger management sessions, she counts to 10 and keeps her cool.  She and Kandi squash it like a road lizard and move on.  Besides, Porsha dated Block, like…ages ago…it’s been at least 45 days!

For the final drama of the night, Kenya is dealing with a bomb of her own, apparently Matt vandalized Moore Manor in the middle of the night by kicking in a window on her garage like a swift, effective, killing machine.  Yeah, bummer…that IKEA grade glass is thin.  Kenya doesn’t know what to do, so she rings her resident relationship expert Cynthia Bailey.  Cynthia tells her to kick him to the curb, but Kenya wants this relationship to work so badly she cannot accept the direction given.  Her mind is ablaze with indecision, so she comes up with a better idea to consult a producer who job it is to facilitate pointless drama.  Kenya defends Matt, she really loves him and her success is f*ckin’ him up.  While this all occurs, we watch her two teacup terriers wrestle and play on the floor, which is the cutest thing I’ve seen this whole hour, but also symbolic of Kenya’s struggle.

Kenya calls Matt and summons him to Moore Manor for an in-person chat about their hot mess of a relationship.  He shows up looking like he smells of hot dog water and rage.  The fuse on his tampon is lit up the moment he sees the camera crew lurking.  It seems Matt doesn’t want their relationship on camera, so I would reckon he stay off the show and they keep their shit private.  Nothing some creative pixelation and a few modesty boxes won’t fix…BAM, crisis averted.  However, they start fighting and he calls her disrespectful, claiming she talks to him like “a farm animal on the daily” – she is “manipulative and fundamentally deceptive”.  I’m pretty sure he has those words tattooed somewhere on his body.  They exchange a few more heated words and he squeals out of the uncured driveway.  YOU IN DANGER, GIRRRL!

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Next week – Family feuds and Kandi and Phaedra have it out.

Play. The. Effing. Tape. Back!

It’s our final installment of the reunion, and quite frankly I am ready for a break.  While I love exercising my creative writing skills, I will be submitting something to the Bravo suggestion box, let’s make it a one part supersized reunion.  That way we can all put on our comfiest sweat pants and inhale it all in one sitting.  I found part three to be a bit of a bore, aside from Nene showing up in her outfit plucked straight off the rack from the Layne Bryant “Cher” collection.  Let’s get right into the low lights:

  1. The Attack of Nene

Nene doesn’t disappoint in her nude-illusion crystal encrusted jumpsuit, and she has the attitude and plenty of RHOATL “pearls of wisdom” regarding friendship.  We flash back on some of Nene’s various fights, flashing her Petco teeth, making ungodly faces, and hurling nasty insults.  But hey, “we’re all friends now” is the overall theme, and if that is the truth Ms. Leakes, I suggest you leave on a high note and fire your stylist…STAT!  Cynthia runs backstage to fire up her portable ditto machine…Friendship contracts for everyone!

Nene bodysuit

  1. Chateau Shereé vs. Moore manor

Neither woman had their home finished by Christmas, so they both lost the bet…SHOCKER!  Moore Manor is still “in the gully where the ogres live”, but Kenya claims she will be moved in within a week.  She by Shereé will be done in a month, and I don’t believe either of them.  Matt, slap another patch on the air mattress, you might be able to move in by Thanksgiving 2021.

  1. Frick and frack

OHAC lovingly dubs Phaedra and Porsha as “Frick and Frack”, they are BFFN and they bring out the best THOT in each other.  We revisit the evolution of Porsha – she is single, likes to have a good time, and shake her ass.  That certainly doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have class!  We might need the Countess to weigh in on that one!  The best part of all of this is the clip of Phaedra on the beach, giving zero Phucks that her back fat is showing, while making animal noises like a rabid cat caught in a beaver trap.

Frick and Frack.jpg

  1. House Hubs and a Half

The house hubs join the stage, but quite frankly, it’s not the same without Gregg Leakes.  If wanting Gregg to be on stage, rattling off the crazy shit rolling around in his brain is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right!  We learn that Matt and Kenya are in love and ready to move their air mattress inside of Moore Manor.  Peter looks like there wasn’t enough tranquilizer in the dart, but denies he is under the influence of any chemical substances.

  1. Chrissy-Gate

Chris is on stage to respond to all the “fruity or gay” trash talking and he offers a response that demonstrates he is confident in his manhood.  Kim basically calls Kenya an asshole for assassinating his character.  Nene jumps in and says Chris was yelling at the women on the party bus, snapping up in a circle, etc.  To which Chris responds that he was mocking them.  I am a bit disappointed in the lead up to the “Play.  The.  Effing.  Tape.  Back!” moment.  Kenya said the rumors of Chris being called Chrissy existed 10 years ago, which Kim can’t align on the time table.  Production plays the effing tape back and Kenya says 20 years, which proves her time-frame is off, but then it’s dropped like a hot sack o’ vomit.

OHAC chimes in and he is quite pissed that the women are gay bashing and being derogatory all for the sake of drama, and notes it’s not a good look.  Is OHAC actually sick of his own creation?!?!?

Chris said all the women have apologized, except Kenya.  She musters up a half-assed apology “if, somehow that was offensive to you …”  OHAC cuts her off at the weave “that is a crappy apology!”  Well, consider the crap-pile of a source!

Chrissy

  1. Who called da’ FEDS?

After all the hullaballoo about “who called da’ FEDS”, we get to play another tape back and it turns out Kandi blurted out on WWHL that Apollo had stuff at her house and Cynthia’s.  This means that somewhere…there is a Secret Service Agent who has the job of watching reality TV shows to discover suspicious activity…where do I sign up?

An argument ensues between Kandi and Phaedra about the money she owed Todd.  Then Todd jumps down Phaedra’s weave and we are faced with the cold, hard reality that these two ladies will never be BFFL again.

  1. Anger Management

We play another effing tape back and see Porsha chasing down one of her employees in the alley during Phaedra’s holiday party.  Porsha felt Jami was being disrespectful, so that warranted a chase, a weave pull, and a beat down in a back alley.  Phaedra notes that Porsha has been going to anger management counseling, which opens the door for all the other ladies to attack Porsha for basically sucking at anger management.  Porsha points out that Kenya hurled some pretty nasty insults at this reunion [tru ‘dat], and she held it together.  The night ain’t over yet…SECURRRITYYYYYY!

Nene gives Porsha a mini-lecture, to which Porsha deflects, “didn’t you choke someone?”  And then in the finest masterstroke of witchery, Nene replies “If I did, I was smart enough not to do it on camera.”  That’s right…everybody knows if you gon’ choke a ho’, do it on the down LOW!

  1. The World According to Phaedra

OHAC asks Phaedra to round out the sesh with some positive Phaedra-ism and she gives us a gem about having the opportunity to be seen by millions of people and to be such an influence.  Something about “using power wisely”, “we are winners”, blah, blah, blah.  Annnnd with that…I will leave you with this image to try and scrape off your brain:

Phaedra Porsha THOTS

Well, that’s all folks.  I hope you enjoyed the season and my snarky recaps!  Catch y’all on the flip-side!

Chocolate Bunnies

Well this week, we received an Easter basket full of chocolate bunnies gone HAM!  We received some ghastly penis based insults, a reflective wig tuggin’ trip down memory lane, and the cherry on our Sunday….prison masturbation.  Let’s jump right in with the low-lights:

  1. Overboard

Revisiting the shit show that was the boat outing where everyone was calling each other beyotches and ho’s, Cynthia and Porsha admit they were turnt up, meaning hammered on Hennessey and orange juice.  We revisit one of my favorite fisticuffs, She by Shereé’s infamous “wig tug”, which she claims was just a “shift”, a helpful “adjustment” if you will.  Whilst they are talking about Kim’s wig – meaning Kim Zolciak, Kim Fields is looking around as if she is lost in a corn maze.

Anyhoo…Cynthia and Porsha continue to diagram the altercation as if they are in advanced placement English, trying to diagram complex sentence structure.  Between the wrist grabbing, the acrylic nail finger pointing, the straddle, the gut kick, and the security tackle, they finally agree they were both at fault.  Although Porsha wants to point out that she suffered “contusions” all over her body.  She just wanted an excuse to use the $5.00 word she learned at the CVS Mini-Clinic.  Kenya brings up something about Porsha pulling a Naomi Campbell on her assistant and Porsha fights back by accusing Kenya of seeing a one-eyed African.  Is this “one-eyed African” the latest Urban Dictionary slang term for a penis or is this an actual African man wearing an eye patch?

  1. Mommy Dearest

We revisit the painful rejection Kenya faces at the hands of her biological mother and Porsha just doesn’t know when to shut up.  She has been trying to figure out why Kenya is such an asshole, and thinks the deadbeat mom is the reason.  No, she is just a plain ol’ garden variety asshole.  Kenya claims that lack of her mother’s love is not her problem, in fact she had such a wonderful upbringing with the love of a fantastic father!  Raise your hand if you are confused, hasn’t one of Kenya’s main storylines been mending her relationship with her father?  Phaedra looks about as bored as the corpses she embalms.  The prosecution rests, this oatmeal pie face is half-baked.

  1. Papa Smurf on the Prowl

We continue to beat the dead marriage horse and Papa Smurf joins the stage to somewhat defend his position, but not really.  He spends all of his time in Charlotte canoodling with his staff, but hey…he and Cynthia are great!  OHAC whips out his hard-hitting investigative journalism skills and notes that they sound, well “separated”.  Peter actually has the stones to compare himself to a soldier who leaves for duty and doesn’t see his wife and family for months.  As if being away while serving up mozzarella sticks in paper food boats and canoodling with underage bar patrons is somehow the same?  I think Peter is still smoking whatever he bought in Jamaica and was able to sneak through customs up his asshole.

Cynthia supports her ol’ crusty hubby by complimenting his cheating acumen, Peter would be more discreet if he was up to no good.  Porsha keeps pushing after Peter and advises Cynthia that Peter pays his waitresses pennies, er uh… penises, you know…Dick Dollars!  Somehow Kenya gets involved and she and Porsha go at it.  They hurl tasteless insults at each other, something about lying on your back to make a small piece of change.  Porsha says something about a “dry piece instead of wet piece in that ditch”, I have no idea what the hell she means, but it Sounds.  Just.  Gross.  Kenya tells her to shut her mouth “if there’s not a dick in it, you don’t know what you’re saying.”  Porsha snaps back with a really distasteful “What about that dick you tuck every day before you come to work, beyotch!”  Peter exits stage left and makes room for Ayden, which is such an appropriate follow up to that sacrilege!

Stupid mouth

Ayden helps Andy host the show for a minute by asking questions which OHAC whispers in his ear, but then suddenly…out of the mouths of babes…he asks his mama “why are you here and when are you coming home?”  Mama has to make a buck, chile…as OHAC sends him off to raid craft services.

Ayden OHAC

  1. Phaedra Gets Her Groove Back (Chile…she never lost it!)

The next low-light focuses on Phaedra and she is pressing on with her divorce and she will complete her Match.com profile when the paperwork is final.  As a sidebar:  I notice that the set is decorated entirely with all of the items featured in the annual Pier One “teal” catalog.  You know the one…

Anyhoo… Phaedra is on the fence about taking the boys back to visit Apollo in the clink, she said there were inappropriate things going on in the back row, and of course OHAC asks the question we all had on our minds, “like what?!?!”  After the Bravo Intern wiped the drool from his chin with a Jimmy John’s napkin, Phaedra answers the question “someone had their hands in someone else’s pants…ahem…masturbation.”  Isn’t that technically a “hand job”, or in Phaedra speak “digital stimulation”.

Either way, it’s gross and not something Ayden needs to learn.  We need to keep that kid cute and innocent as long as possible!

  1. Party Crashers

The final low-light we will cover is the discussion of Tammy’s nephew…Glen, who Kenya invited to the Miami party house.  Phaedra pretty much called it here by pointing out what we all know, Kenya wanted him around, but when he rebuffed her poor excuse for flirtation, she wanted him out.  Kenya denies, accuses Phaedra of always trying to paint her as a “wanton hussy”.  The ladies don’t disagree that Glen was acting crazier than a bed bug and should have been asked to leave, but Kenya kept pushing the issue, poking the hornet’s nest as Kim called it.  Kenya is always so quick to call security at the sight of an errant coochie crack, but in Miami Kenya kept pushing Glen for a reaction while security was already handling it.

Kandi, of all people, starts defending Kenya because “at the end of the day”, it was Glen who was acting crazy right out of the gate, throwing gang signs at a pregnant woman.  Sigh…at the end of the day…I think Kandi needs a break to hit the dressing room and use her breast pump.

Kandi - defending

Next week Nene makes an appearance in a nude illusion, jewel encrusted, cat suit (someone please show this woman a mirror!)  The house-hubbies hit the couch and Kim Fields shouts “PLAY.  THE.  EFFING.  TAPE.  BACK!”  The supersized part three will be worth it just to see Kim come about as unglued as her wiglette.