Reading of the Will

Hey everybody… I don’t want to spend a ton of time on the first 45 of this episode because, yet again, the last 15 are the only minutes worth our time.  I don’t know about you, but I am feeling a little unfulfilled by the dramaticus-interrupus this week.  And to top it off, we have to wait two weeks for the continuation of the dreaded “to be continued” because there’s something going on next Sunday night, I think it’s the “Pepsico Fiesta Hoe Down Bowl”, or something like that.  The entire episode is merely prep-work for the explosive “Reading of the Will”, and no dear readers, Mama Joyce has not kicked the bucket.

We start out with Porsha, hosting Wigs-n-Cigs for a professionally prepared baby vegan meal.  Wigs has been vegetarian her whole life, and you know what else she’s done her whole life?  Made her men chauffer her around like second rate Uber drivers.  Yes, Kroy is waiting in the Suburban, AGAIN!  Wigs runs out for a red SOLO cup refill and at least has the decency to bring him a tofurky dog with extra relish.  Porsha gives Wigs the low down about how evil Kenya re-appeared from the depths of Satan’s asshole during the Houston trip.  Wigs chalks it up to being exhausted, winded, and bereft from carrying on the charade of fake marriage.  While this is all going down, the paid professional vegan chef is chuckling to herself as she sneezes into their tofu-surprise.

Wigs cooking

Kandi is prepping for an “Essence Magazine, This is What Winning Looks Like, So Suck an Eggplant Porsha” extravaganza.  Kandi has Don Juan on staff and Carmon on contract, because good, bitchy help is hard to find.  Don Juan didn’t invite Porsha, but Kandi insists, she is performing a public service really.  Porsha needs a substantial example of success.  The Kandi Koated Klique is afraid it will send the wrong message and Porsha will think they are BFF status again, but no… complicated is the order of the day, and Kandi insists on the non-passive-aggressive gesture.

50-Cint and her assistant (Hold up…I didn’t even know she had or needed an assistant), are toiling away at Lake Bailey making sushi.  Mr. Where there’s a Will, there’s a shady way, is making his maiden voyage to Lake Bailey and 50-Cint wants to impress.  After Will arrives, they attempt to finish making the sushi, but bail out and opt for the gas station container of California Rolls that 50-Cint has stashed in the fridge.  50-Cint broaches the “are we dating or seeing other people” convo, and Will waves all the red flags.  He tells her he’s not dating anyone else and he wants to settle down and have a family, but if that’s what he wants at age 37, why the hell is he involved with 50-Cint?  Oh, sorry, I’m not a man… a little slow on the uptake.  Just answered my own question – he wants to take a spin in her mahogany canoe.  Sorry Will, the lake is a bit choppy today!

Nene is back this week to give us our newest, delightful cast-mate.  Eva Marcille is a former ANTM winner, she knows Nene from LA (several years, hunni), she has a three-year-old daughter, and she’s dating Michael Sterling, who happens to be running for Mayor of the ATL.

Eva intro

Across town, Kenya takes her cousin Che along to purchase some fitness equipment in an attempt to get Question Marc to spend some time at Moore Manor.  They cop a squat on a couple of rowing machines and Kenya talks about how Marc is such an “alpha-male” (translation = controlling creepo you see on those Discovery ID re-enactments).  Kenya’s had to fall back a bit and give in to Marc’s wishes – a stick shift car, making sure she has “washing powder” for the clothes, laying out his socks and underwear for the next day, and cooking frozen Trader Joe’s pasta meals in a pan to pass them off as home-cooked.  It’s a lotta work y’all!  By this time the salesman returns with his price for the weight equipment, only $6,915 and delivery by tomorrow!  She hands him Question Marc’s AMEX card, CHA-CHING!

It’s the night of the Essence Magazine Reveal Party – Don Juan is in full-force security mode – as Porsha walks in, he speaks into the walkie talkie “WARNING — WARNING – The Underground Railroad train has arrived, all armed men in the vicinity report to the station!  SECURE THE PERIMETER!  DUCK AND COVER!”

Meanwhile, Nene and Eva are en route to the party (with Gregg as their Uber driver for the night).  Eva reveals that she met Will and his girlfriend about two months ago.  A woman who is very good with Will’s daughter, and who is incidentally… not 50-Cint!  Concurrently, at the party, we see Will tell 50-Cint that he’s been single for 2 ½ years.  Ooooh, somethin’ in the buttermilk ain’t clean, but are we really surprised this dude is sketch as f*ck?

The rest of the gang is trickling in and Papa Smurf even makes an appearance.  If there was ever a time Papa should intervene and ruin 50-Cint’s life, it’s NOW!  RELEASE THE HOUNDS, PAPA!  But naw… Peter is just making an appearance to congratulate Kandi, smoke a stogie with Todd, and slam down a few free cocktails.

Don Juan starts the stage show, Wigs is holding her red SOLO cup with her teeth so she can applaud.  At what point will that cup go out of style or just disintegrate from the levels of rubbing alcohol it contains?  Todd takes the mic and makes a really awkward speech about how his wife is so wonderful, she even invited the undesirables.  Not the way to “fly above”, homie!  Don Juan announces that Kandi just booked a part in “Chicago” on Broadway, Kandi gives her thanks and she becomes emotional.

Now for the good shit, Nene tells Kandi about Will, Carmon chimes in that she has also heard on the “street” that he “has a lady”.  Eva confirms she met said “lady” a few days before Will’s relationship with 50-Cint went public.  The heathens decide that someone should tell 50-Cint privately and not in a group setting.  Kenya takes lead on this project and Nene is reeling a bit, as in – “nuh-uh, no way is she handing off this BIG SALAD and taking credit for it!”

Big Salad 2

Kenya pulls 50-Cint aside and the minions are 2.3 seconds behind her.  50-Cint takes the news well, “I completely receive this and assume it’s coming out of love and concern for me.”  Will sidles up to 50-Cint and senses she’s upset, Kenya pulls him aside and tells him what’s up.  SHOCKINGLY, he denies everything.  50-Cint turns to him, she understands they aren’t exclusive, but she isn’t going to date a man with a girlfriend.  Sorry Will, you’re a grade-A sketchball and she’s… well she’s 50-CINT!

Will is pissed that he’s being ambushed and wants to get it all out on the table, so he calls Eva into the conversation.  As she saunters up, “well, this is quite messy!” he becomes angry and defensive.  Eva waves her acrylic fingernail of justice, pulling out her cell phone “HOLD UP, because what we’re not gonna do…”  Homegirl doesn’t play, she came prepared, with receipts.  NOT TODAY PLAYA!  NOT TODAY!

Eva - Will

As this installment of “Will and no Grace” draws to a close – he contends he met Eva seven months ago, there was no girlfriend, and clearly, he is lying.  His timeline is about as accurate as the human female gestation period according to Phaedra.  Then he says something so ludicrous, I had to run TiVo back twice and still couldn’t quite translate his playa speak… “Everything was perfect until this came along and I think that hurt me because of the perfect gentleman I was to her. Thank you, because you showed me that I have to be more better at other things.”  Back away from the psychopath slowly, I implore you, ladies.

Will - Eva - Cint

Will decides to cut and run, but not without asking Gregg if he can hit the open bar first, as if he’s the keeper of the Gin.  SBS and Wigs-n-Cigs realize the real tea party is going on outside and head over to get the dirt.  50-Cint is so over this, Louboutin’s in hand, what a  waste of an outfit and a wig.

50-Cint

Porsha asks 50-Cint if she’s okay, she explains everything and says she’s too old for this shit.  50-Cint wants to know any intel, that anyone has, at any time, regarding any man she dates.  With this revelation, Porsha’s Scooby Doo ears perk up – “well since you asked….”, and this is where we are left with 50-Cint tearing up and the dreaded “TO BE CONTINUED”.

 

Next time – Mama Joyce requests a sit-down with her Wal-Mart Death Wedgie and Porsha, Marlo is planning a trip and invites Wigs.

Advertisements

Reunion – Part Trois

This week was all over the map and the only parts worth seeing was the sparkly sheen radiating from the new beard on Bob Crazy Eye and the last five minutes when we learn that Phaedra Parks is the responsible party for taking the shit stirring to a new low, not that any of us are shocked #AlternativePhactsByPhaedra!

House Hubbies – We are joined by Papa Smurf, Marvin (li’l Todd), and Bob Crazy Eye.  Bob either has a new product endorsement deal with Jheri Curl or he doesn’t understand the direction “repeat as needed”, as in, “Trim beard to socially acceptable level of crazy, apply liberally, repeat as needed.”  Bob tries to apologize to SBS again, but she ain’t buyin’ his counterfeit goods.  She has heard it all before and the door has been slammed and nailed shut on any re-kindling hopes they once had.  I don’t think she ever had any intention on getting back together with him.  I think she accidentally packed her Kandi Koated toys in a box labeled “unfinished basement” during the move to Chateau Shereé and she had a weak moment and thought she might let Bob back in the hen house.  Too little, too late Bob.  Oh, and I hope your new beard gets caught in a box fan.

Crazy eye sheen

Papa Smurf and Cynthia are on texting terms and we learn that Noelle continues her relationship with Peter and asks him for advice.  Not sure what type of advice the teen would need…how to single handedly squander your partner’s life-time earnings in two years?  How to get caught on camera giving hickeys to a waitress?  How to fail at every business venture you attempt?

OHAC asks to clarify once and for all, did Papa and Cynthia take one last lap around the pool while vacationing in Hawaii?  Papa answers, if he can’t have all of Cynthia then he wants none of her or her magnificent weave.  Good answer, considering he has clearly had several cocktails.  Cynthia discusses why the marriage didn’t work, it was one hurdle after another and she couldn’t cope with the stress.  Welcome to marriage, baby, where you too can be eternally mad and resentful!  I guess Cynthia was right, she just isn’t the marrying kind.  Cynthia reveals she has gone on one date and is starting the application process, meanwhile, Peter is drunkenly swiping right on his phone and he looks up long enough to let us know that he has a very promising prospect in his snare.

In other relationships careening off the rails, Porsha and Todd are “on pause”.  He got a job in D.C., they generally are not speaking, and they have no plans on proceeding with the baby-nup.  Papa Smurf is salivating, not only for his own peach and tagline, but he is ready to pounce like a Liger on Porsha and Phaedra.  Instead he chooses to take what little dignity he has left and walk off the stage screaming to the Bravo Intern “where the f*ck is da’ drank, DAWG…the f*ck is da’ drank?!?”  Cynthia whips out her laminated wallet card containing her divorce decree, looks heavenward, and whispers “Thank you, Jezzuz!”

SBS Bone Carrier Mess Box – SBS was titled the “bone carrier” this season because she be draggin’ allllll the skeletons outta da’ closet.  Shamea joins the insufferable semi-circle of the damned and we learn that she and Porsha have terminated their friendship contract.  Kenya chimes in a few times and nicknames Porsha “Elvis” due to her sparkly outfit and new pompadour wiglette.  Porsha snarls back with her rehearsed arsenal of zingers, “you propped up those long jugs and think you doin’ somethin’!”  “Toodles Bitch!”  “BYE WIG!”  Porsha apologizes to Shamea for not defending her when Phaedra threw her and Kandi under the bus by way of obscene hand gesture, and for anything she ever did, anywhere, at any time, that made her want to terminate their friend-nup.  Shamea accepts, but goes on record stating the Frick and Frack do not have a real friendship.  It’s merely an alliance based on convenience.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta - Season 9

At that point, Shamea and Phaedra go at it.  Shamea says that Phaedra’s navel is a li’l to the left and she should stop using Groupon for her plastic surgery.  Across the insufferable semi-circle of the damned, Kenya chortles with delight.

Through the Psychological Threshing Machine that is the Rumor Mill – We get into the vicious rumors spread about Kandi.  Kandi admits she has taken a healthy dip in the lady pond a time or two, or three or four… OHAC is a little too interested, he wants exact numbers and a pie chart!  Pun intended.

Phaedra and Porsha keep skirting the issue on semantic technicalities, but I call audible foul.  Porsha maintains she was wearing her beer goggles when she kissed Kandi, asked her to go back to her hotel room, and then engage in an oral transaction to Kandi’s full satisfaction.  Since she and Kandi can’t agree on what actually transpired, Kandi notes that she should’ve taken Porsha up on the offer just to prove the point.  Well, sometimes ya’ gotta take one for the team Kandi!

There is more inane discussion, more demonstrations of inappropriate hand gestures, including a repeat of the index finger into the circled thumb and forefinger and OHAC throws in a scissoring gesture, just for good measure.

At this point the question is posed to Porsha as to why the hell she said those defamatory things about Kandi.  She responds by waxing philosophical about how she is “journalist” at Dish Nation.  And yes, I will “air quote” that right in her lying face!  After everyone gets off the floor from falling down laughing, Porsha announces that she received a cease and desist from Kandi and cannot speak about the alleged “Kandi planned to drug me, drag me down to her sex dungeon, and then rape me with her best-selling Kandi Koated sex toy” rumor.  Porsha deploys the ultimate conversational ripcord when she turns to her BFF and politely asks Phaedra to explain why she said this was Kandi’s intention.  And BAMM!  BLOOP!  SHUT THE PHRONT DOOR!  The Liger is outta the bag.

Kandi - Flip Out

Next week is the explosive conclusion where Kandi loses her shit on Phaedra.  Phaedra has taken “throwing shade” way too far, it’s about to go down like a fat kid on a see-saw!  See you next week!

The Warm Up – Reunion Part Un

Preparation is Everything – We start out with the “8 hours earlier” montage of all the women performing their pre-reunion rituals and then strapping themselves into the hair and makeup chairs.  After a full working day later, they are cinched, taped, makeup caked, and ready to take several seats at the insufferable semi-circle of the damned.  The outfits this year don’t seem too conducive to hurling insults across the Pier One coffee table.  They really should be sporting leggings as pants.

Leggings pants

Reinforce your weaves, let’s dive into the low-lights:

Tittay Talk – the ladies spent some time at the spa this season and the girls are literally and figuratively on display tonight!  Kandi reveals that she decided to have a boob job after they finished filming.  Phaedra has an unhealthy obsession with camel-toe, but she feels this is perfectly normal because Amazon sells prosthetic camel toe.  Just because it’s for sale guuuurrrrl, doesn’t make it right.  Case in point:

Man bun

OHAC asks Cynthia if Papa Smurf met Cynthia’s rejuvenated va-jay-jay, but she denies.  They came close, but no cigar in the hot dog bun vagina.

Minding Your Manor – we revisit the battle of Moore Manor vs. Chateau Shereé.  Nothing really new to be seen here, except we learn that Kenya had some intruders at Moore Manor and ran them off with her trusty hand gun.  OHAC polls the ladies on who owns a gun, they all raise their hands except Cynthia.  SBS just got her permit.  Hang on to your wigs and Spanx ladies and gents.  These crazy beyotches be ARMED!  I can hear Phaedra now, “but officer, this is my medicinal sawed off shotgun.”

SBS clears up the misconception that she isn’t living in the Chateau, but Kenya says she drives by, en route to her daily deeds of doom and destruction, and she never sees lights on.  Well duh, a home with no appliances needs no electricity!  Although she would need the air compressor for her mattress…hmm.  Anyhoo – Kenya admits she went into the basement at Chateau Shereé at prompting by producers to be purposefully shady.  The arguing ensues and SBS reveals that Kenya didn’t provide a port-a-potty for her contractors and they had to poo and pee in the gully.  Explains the foul odor about a quarter-mile circumference around Moore Manor.  SBS tops it off with some “true tea” about Kenya having a rich African married man giving her money for the down payment on Moore Manor.  Kenya stands firm, she is self-made and pays her own way 100%, via her earnings from the “Dubai Date Book”?  How do we get in on this Dubai Date Book, can we order from Amazon alongside our prosthetic camel toes and synthetic man buns?  Asking for a friend…

Frienemies – Phaedra let Kenya back in her life a pinch and suffered the dire consequence, as predicted.  Phaedra brings up text-gate 2002, while SBS settles up all the bets on when exactly Kenya/Phaedra friendship would free fall into a fiery abyss.

Cynthia weighed in and didn’t really like Kenya’s divorce party either, but she didn’t feel it warranted Phaedra’s, I’m sick and in desperate need of ginger-ale, and while I’m at it I’ll bring up some old wound I said I forgave, but not really, OMG you triflin’ beyotch textin’ my huzzzband who has now been in jail for two years and whom I am divorcing, and who is now engaged to his prison-pen-pal-in-a-box, OH LORT why do I care anymore, I just don’t know, I just need this dayum Bravo paycheck, over the top reaction.  Kenya claims Phaedra is living two lives, Southern Belle public face and Freak HO on da’ streets.  Bottom line, Phaedra has turned into an asshole of epic proportions and she needs to be canned.  Although, Ayden should have his own show where he just says things at random for 22 minutes.

Anger Mis-Management – Porsha addresses her tremendous progress, while SBS and Phaedra steady her to prevent a Defcon 4 melt-down.  Now that Porsha is an expert in how to emote and not get arrested, she hints that Kandi has her own anger management issues and could benefit from some therapy.  As Porsha lectures, Kandi cracks up in her face.  Guuuuurrrrl, when you gonna learn?  Kandi is fresh outta f*cks to give.  She doesn’t need the Bravo paycheck or your triflin’ ass telling her she’s a rageaholic.  There’s some more caterwauling between the two, but I’ve grown tired and disinterested.

Dieter tiresome

Since this is just part one of 987, I’m gonna save up my energy for when we get to the uncontrollable sobbing and storm offs.  See ya’ next week!

Kiss and Tell

Phaedra and Kenya hit the tennis court, thinkin’ they Venus and Serena Williams.  Kenya is so pleased at their “ever-growing friendship”, but little does she realize they are about to hit some growing pains.  We know they donkey booty HAM on each other by the end of the hour.  Phaedra missed the “leggings are not pants” memo and she looks like Hello Kitty and Sesame Street had a rough night and spewed hangover vomit all over her.  Her camera interview top is hideous as well, she looks like your grandmother’s couch from the neck down.

Phaedra pants

Frikkin’ Cynthia decides to bring Papa Smurf room service and a bedazzled Bible for his birthday.  As they sit, gazing into each other’s eyes over a plate of artichoke and spinach dip, Papa Smurf admits he almost made a booty call to her last night.  Cynthia reminds us again that she would’ve been tempted, because they had no issues in that particular area.  Peter produces a friendship contract and asks her to check the box on where they stand – together, not together, dating other people, or clinging to scraps.  They both feel as if they have failed, Peter wants her back, but Cynthia has concluded she is not the marrying kind.  He leaves his door open and informs her he will not be changing his cell number.

Mini-Todd Tucker has planned a special birthday party for Papa Smurf, and he decides that instead of a pig roast, they will roast Peter.  This is the worst idea in the history of ever.  Frick and Frack roll up in their dresses slit up to the “cootie coo”, Bob Crazy Eyes trails in behind them without SBS.  After SBS shows up, everyone bombards her with questions, but she won’t be discussing anything further with the men around.  THIS MEANS YOU, CRAZY EYES!

Todd kicks off the roast, Phaedra can’t wait to dig in on Uncle Ben and serve him his ass on a platter with a “side of special rice.”  Kandi and her camel toe make some horrid jokes and the rest of the gang also fail miserably.  Most of the jokes are about being older than dirt and broke AF.  Cynthia can’t bring herself to say anything worthwhile, other than how Peter is such a champ at brushing his teeth?  What in the fresh hell is this?  SBS doesn’t see the need for a roast, Peter looks pretty well done already!  SBS FTW!

For the last day in Hawaii, the gang hops on a catamaran for a sunset cruise.  While everyone is out on the deck viewing the sunset, Bob and SBS sit down for a heart to heart talk.  Bob apologizes for whatever he said that ticked her off, which means he still sees nothing wrong with his behavior.  He just mad ‘cuz she walked out on him at the jewelry store.  SBS explains how they never discussed the things that went on in their past, him abruptly leaving when the kids were small and not calling for six months, not paying the mortgage, cutting off her credit cards, joking about murdering her, y’know just a few minor mishaps like that.  OY VEY!  This boy has been hit in the head too many times.  He has no ability to show remorse and then flips out on her.  SBS goes into the way, way, way, ugly, ugly, ugly cry and he continues to act like he didn’t do anything wrong.  Your goose is cooked, Bob.  You will never secure a place at Chateau by Shereé.  Meanwhile, on the upper deck, Cynthia gets her hair tangled in a small fan powered by her iPhone.  JESUS.  TAKE.  THE.  WHEEL!

SBS ugly cry

Kenya announces that she has a surprise for the ladies after they get back to the resort, which is an “I do, I did, I’m done, divorce party”.  We flash back to seven years ago, when SBS held her own divorce party complete with her 50 foot-tall self-portrait, which proves these events never go out of style!  Cynthia walks in and the theme immediately give her a case of the sads.  Phaedra walks in and announces she is sick to her stomach.  No girl, your spanx are too tight!  Turns out that “cackling like hyenas, kissing cartoon penises, and mocking the sanctity of marriage” aren’t received well by Cynthia and Counselor Parks!  Phaedra exits stage left in search of a ginger ale for her upset stomach.  After they are done playing “kiss the penis on the wall”, Porsha gets a text from Phaedra – “I’m good, but appalled that they would think the breakup of a family is a cause for celebration and with the host being the triflin’ woman who was texting my husband, disgusting and disgraceful.”

We flash back to two years ago, when Apollo admitted he lied and Kenya and Phaedra wiped Kenya Moore Whore’s slate clean.  But according to Phaedra, the slate has been dirtied up again.  Phaedra is gulping down her ginger ale, clutching her bosom, sticking to her story about eating some bad Mahi.  Porsha waddles in with her half-drank jug o’ Hennesey.  I have to give it to Porsha tonight, line of the episode – “first of all, what the hell, you done left me in the room, kissin’ dicks on the wall!”  Once you have waddled around a Four Seasons resort, with a half-empty jug o’ Hennesey, uttering those words – CHILE…it may be time to re-evaluate your life!

Kiss wall

Kenya shows up at the door, Porsha thinks it’s room service bearing her pineapple juice, “but an actual pineapple showed up”, meaning Kenya in her bright yellow dress, wearing her “I’m ready to confront” face of doom.  Phaedra feels the party was tacky and given that Kenya played a contentious part in the marriage, it was “a whole ‘nother level of skanky.”  Oh Counselor Parks, how quickly we forget that your no good, deadbeat, huzzzband admitted he lied.  ROLL.  THE.  EFFIN’.  TAPE!  There are not enough prayer circles, Thelma & Louise convertible car moments, and s’mores over the campfire, to save this budding friendship now.  Kenya tries to talk it out, but Phaedra ain’t havin’ it… and nothing says get the hell out of my room like a ginger ale burp to the face.

Kenya - confront

Meanwhile, back at the un-married party, the women cut up the divorce cake and of course, Porsha is happy to take two pieces back to Phaedra’s room.  Hey, you don’t get to dis the party, send hateful texts, and then have your cake and eat it too!  The men show up and break the tension for a while.  At the end of the day, Kandi gives the Hawaii trip five stars, with the highlight being Porsha admitting she is a liar.

Next time, Porsha presents Todd with a Baby-Nup Agreement, Kandi’s former assistant is still pursuing a lawsuit with Counselor Parks at his side, and Matt and Kenya go at it again in a stairwell.

Restoration Station

We are picking up where the crazy train threw us from the tracks – discombobulated, weary, and reeling.  Kandi is trying not to choke Porsha out, save that for the sex dungeon antics.  Kandi hasn’t been this far off the rails since the ill-fated pillow talk party.  Phaedra, of all people, tries to calm Kandi down, but her “at the end of the day”, catch-all, calamity management tactic is not working.  Kandi, Kenya, and Cynthia flee the scene for some well needed beauty rest, while the others stay behind to continue the parade of unstable sluts.

The next day, Kandi has a speed boat trip planned and she phones Phaedra to inform her that Porsha is persona non-grata and tasks her second mortal enemy with delivering the un-vite.  For someone who lost their shit the night before, Kandi looks hella rested and fresh.  Meanwhile, across the hall, Porsha and Todd are discussing their plans for the day and Porsha thinks she will be frolicking and cavorting about with the gang as if nothing happened.  Phaedra pops in, barely dressed, bragging about her swimsuit she has owned since she was 18.  Umm, this brings up several ponderings… 1)  The effing swimsuit doesn’t fit you in any way, shape, or form,  2)  If she has owned the swimsuit since she was 18, how in the hell does the elastic (already gripping for its last breath of life) not have dry rot?  3)  If you are tugging at your swimwear while saying the words “my booty keeps eating this swimsuit”, IT DOESN’T F*CKING FIT AND IS WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE.  We are treated to a montage of Phaedra’s freak nasty vacation wear over the years – hey guuurrrl…you do you!  And with that, Phaedra un-invites Porsha and Todd from the festivities and they are relegated to a beachside couple massage.

Phaedra swimsuit

Todd’s masseuse is squeezing his brain, maybe trying to jam some common sense back in there.  The pair goes on and on about how great the day is and a wind gust blows their umbrella down, interrupting their zen moment.  They head down to the beach and Todd spies with his little eye another couple getting married.  He teases about grabbing the preacher and getting hitched, but no shirt, no shoes, no ring, NO DICE.

No dice

The rest of the crew travels to the boat ride in two separate cars.  In car one, Papa Smurf informs Kandi that he stayed at the dinner table of doom for another hour, mainly gettin’ his drink on and soaking up the gossip.  Porsha is throwing the “bullied” word around again, which firms up Kandi’s decision to ax her from the events of the day.  We see that Kenya was consoling Kandi after the dinner, citing that Porsha “doesn’t have a pure, moral fiber in her body, so let that go.”  When Kenya Moore is your unlikely voice of reason, honey, you know your shit is f*cked up!

In car two, Phaedra continues defending her BFF in an indirect way.  “We don’t know what is a lie or what isn’t a lie!”  Really Counselor Parks?  Oh damnit all to hell, why at this stage in the game would we expect more from you?  Everyone continues to comment on how Cynthia and Peter are getting along famously and Cynthia admits in her camera interview that she may consider “one last lap around the pool.”  Maybe Phaedra will loan you her 25 year-old swimsuit from the Venus porn collection so you may seduce your soon to be ex-husband.

Anyhoo, Kenya points out that Cynthia and Peter’s divorce is imminent and SBS notes that she and Bob never could’ve gone on a trip together after they split.  Bob reminds SBS that they were driving in Las Vegas and SBS fell asleep in the car.  He considered taking her seatbelt off and slamming on the breaks “so she can fly her ass through the window.”  Kenya stares at him, completely shocked and mortified.  Bob claims he never hit SBS and she give shim the side eye.  He asked if he ever choked her and she confirms, to which he replies “if I did I’m sorry, maybe I didn’t choke you hard enough.”  Way to make a car ride uber-uncomfortable for all involved.  SBS starts getting emotional, which is the first time we have seen her cry in the history of ever.  Kenya crawls over the seat to comfort SBS while Phaedra gives Bob the evil eye and hisses at him repeatedly to apologize.  He tells SBS he never wants to be the one making her cry, and he reaches over to her like a swift, effective killing machine.  This isn’t even half of a half-assed apology, take about 100 steps back, Bob!  Be careful not to slip on your own sweat, we’d hate to see you break a hip.

SBS upset

All aboard the speedboat, which is aptly named “INSANE.”  The gang is treated to a wild ride and they are soaked with ocean water.  Everyone starts freaking out about their weaves, except for Kandi, Kenya, and the men.  Phaedra is barking that she has been Bamboozled, hoodwinked, and soaked.  I cannot help but wonder how she remained supported in that backwards, suspender, tangled up, hot mess of a swimsuit.  Later, they all sit down for dinner and the talk goes back to the night Porsha came on to Kandi like a nine-fingered hooker.  Papa Smurf wants the smutty deets on the make-out sesh, but Kandi doesn’t really entertain him.  Phaedra decides this is the opportune moment to introduce her idea of having a spiritual restoration service for everyone, and they need it ASAP ‘cuz they NEED JEZZUZ NOW!  They all stare at her blankly, but they will all be there because it is written into addendum number 2,137 of their Bravo contract.

Phaedra sets the stage for the restoration, she lays out the boxed wine and Porsha shows up with a box of Cheez-It Grooves.  Kandi walks in with her attitude and Phaedra offers Kandi some wine, which is stupid because EVERYBODY KNOWS Kandi doesn’t partake.  Everyone else arrives around 11:17 p.m. – perfect time for everyone to restore, when they are over tired, tipsy, and suffering from severe sun stroke.  Dr. Martin Luther Pahedra starts out the restoration and they discuss the abuse argument between SBS and Kenya.  Porsha is sitting in the corner waiting her turn and she is guarding that box of Cheeze-It Grooves with her life.  Kenya and SBS go at it like wild lemurs for a few minutes, then Phaedra intervenes and they chalk it up to a misunderstanding.  Phaedra opens the floor for anyone else to discuss their issues and it’s dead, awkward silence.  Porsha finally speaks up, but Kandi cuts that shit off at the knees.  She wants to be clear, she isn’t upset because she gives a f*ck about Porsha.  Kandi has supported Porsha more than anyone in the group – through her divorce, through her aspiring, horrifying singing career, all of it.  All Kandi did was say that Porsha used to run with her ex, Block, which was true.  Porsha flipped out and threw Kandi under the bus with her vicious lies.  Porsha continues to justify her response and basically admits she made it all up because she was mad.  Porsha also decides that she thinks Kandi should apologize to Phaedra for saying she was talking to multiple men before Apollo went to jail.  Phaedra slips and says “it wasn’t like I was talking to him”…Kenya immediately picks up on the Freudian slip.

restoration failure

Kandi is willing to offer an apology for insinuating that Phaedra called the FEDS and ratted them out for holding Apollos possessions in her garage, but that’s the end of the line, restoration station…the train stops here.  Cynthia is pissed, it was a waste of an outfit, makeup, wig, and eyelashes…and her gluten intolerance doesn’t permit her to enjoy the Cheez-It Grooves!

The next day, Bob invites SBS to a jewelry store to purchase a diamond ring that looks like a Pringle potato chip and laugh in her face again about some extremely painful memories.  SBS can’t deal with his continued joking about how he was an abusive, sweat-soaked, psychopath.  He claims that his laughter on the matter is a defense mechanism to keep from crying.  LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!  I think we have finally uncovered the source of Bob’s profuse, medically concerning, sweating problem.  The liquid constantly draining from his body is actually the un-cried toxic tears of rage and regret.  Bob, we implore you…let that shit flow out of your crazy ass eyes!  SBS walks out on him, after she has to wrench her arm out of his savage grip.  As she walks out, he says “I’m not laughing”, as he laughs and mops the ancient tears escaping via his forehead with an old gym towel.  SBS hits the road and has an important epiphany, Bob failed the maybe we could get back together test and she dodged a bullet!

Next time, Cynthia and Peter edge closer to taking that final lap around the pool, the girls throw a divorce party for Phaedra, SBS and Bob go at it again, and Kenya and Phaedra go at it.

Returns with Receipt

Kandi and Carmon fluff the pillows to prep for a gossip sesh with the crew, sans Frick and Fraud.  Kandi has also summoned Shamea, so they can get everything all the way out on the table.  Kandi springs the news that Porsha kissed her and offered an oral transaction to Kandi’s full satisfaction.  Cynthia starts screaming, Shamea is chugging from her red SOLO cup, SBS asks “tongue kiss?”, and Kenya falls off of her chair laughing hysterically.

Shamea chugging

SBS sees that Porsha is taking the fall for Phaedra, who was the instrumental in revving up these outlandish rumors, but more importantly, SBS cannot quite wrap her top knot around the fact that Porsha may be a “carpet muncher”.  Kandi continues and lays out another claim made by Porsha pertaining to Kandi and Todd (a.k.a. Marvin) allegedly planning to drug Porsha and Shamea and drag them back to their sex dungeon.  SCREAMING. JESUS. ON. A. FERRIS. WHEEL!  This is a new li’l nugget since last week, and I can understand why Kandi is pissed.  This is her reputation on the line, her family, and not to mention that Kandi doesn’t use drugs or alcohol.  Porsha’s anger management is failing her miserably.  She is still attacking people, but now in different form.

Cynthia freaking

Meanwhile, across town, Li’l Porsha carts a cooler full of her latest cleansing drink over to her sister’s house to rehash and garner support.  Porsha claims she was on beer goggles x 1000 and “blames it on da’ Henney!”  Okay, so you admit you were blind, stinking drunk, but can now clearly recall all these sordid details?  Maybe this lemonade/cayenne pepper cleanse is disrupting her memory, someone get this girl a carbohydrate, STAT!

The next day, Kandi and Todd are workin’ on the OLG, she is hoping to launch in about a month, and Todd has finally showered and changed his clothes.  Kandi is feeling a bit overwhelmed so she decides a trip to unwind with all of her mortal enemies is in order!  Todd, being fully familiar with the Bravo mandated trips of horror formula, invites Papa Smurf and Bob “crazy eyes” Whitfield.  Hell, why don’t you shoot a group text to Matt, Walter, and Kordell while you’re at it?  Maybe Apollo can get a furlough?

In other boring, filler news, Kenya takes her brother, niece, and nephews out for dinner.  The kids head into the bathroom to wash their hands while Kenya informs her brother about Matt’s latest antics.  She hasn’t seen Matt since Charlotte (they are on a break) and she is still making excuses for his violent behavior.  Her brother points out that she doesn’t have time to wait for him to mature and real-life relationships don’t get “breaks”.  So now we see who received the “voice of reason” gene in her family.

Cynthia and Kandi invite Phaedra out for some fish tacos – can we find the irony here?  Kandi invites Phaedra on the trip and informs Cynthia that Papa Smurf will be tagging along.  Cynthia is okay with the arrangement, she will have her own room and maybe she can get her nineteenth dose of “closure”.  I am not sure how much “closure” this woman needs, but it’s beginning to sound like “closure” is their code word for “booty call”.  Phaedra is a li’l wary because that is where she and Apollo honeymooned, so naturally she needs her security blanket, BFF Porsha.  Cynthia asks Phaedra what she thinks about all the Kandi chatter, but Phaedra doesn’t have “a cock in this fight”, so she is happy to sit back and watch her BFF go down like a fat kid on a seesaw.

SBS meets up with Bob “Crazy Eyes” Whitfield, for a quick prison work out.  Meaning upper body only, no bending over or squatting.  Before he even does his first bicep curl, he is sweating like a farm animal.  SBS invites him, his extra strength anti-perspirant, and his compression socks to Maui, but they will not be shackin’ up.  SBS feels the trip will be a good test to see if they can travel together without it being a cluster f*ck.

Phaedra and Porsha meet at a back-alley spa so they can shed some fat cells prior to flaunting their cellulite in Maui.  Porsha shows up looking like she just tumbled out of the 70’s porn section of the local costume shop.  The spa ladies wrap up Phaedra in some used Hefty garbage bags and then swaddle her in an electric blanket like a burrito.  Shit girrrrl, you coulda done this at home!  After Phaedra slithers out of her Hefty bags, she throws on some props to perform a hula dance for Porsha and invites her on the trip.  Porsha hesitates, but then remembers her Bravo contract requires her to attend all of the group trips from hell.  Have Bravo paycheck, will travel!

Phaedra Hula

Everyone is arriving at the airport, but Porsha thinks Hawaii is out of the country and is apparently lost on the underground rail road.  Eventually everyone arrives at the Four Seasons Maui and they disperse to their respective rooms to prepare for the dinner of doom, despite their severe jet lag.  Todd tells Kandi he is not looking forward to dinner “cuz that’s where y’all pop off”.  Spoken like a true former producer!

Porsha arrives at dinner with her own plus one, her new-sorta-kinda-boyfriend/booty call plus program, future baby-daddy, Todd.  Everything is awkward and quiet and Kandi goes into prayer, “Please Jesuzz…don’t let me snap off on dis’ beyotch!”  SBS and her top knot ain’t havin’ it, she breaks the ice and recommends that everyone get their crap out on the table.  She confronts Porsha first about saying slanderous things, but Porsha is sticking to her story.  The conversation escalates quickly and Cynthia points out that Porsha has said many damaging things to the ladies, but doesn’t have receipts to back it up.  Porsha throws a snide dagger her way “your divorce decree is your receipt!”  Well, Kandi don’t play, she comes at the lying bitch with both barrels and produces semi-glossy, full-color, handouts for the group.  A screen shot of the text from Porsha a few days after the aggressive lesbian propositioning.  The text is basically Porsha admitting things got crazy and what happens in Queens stays in Queens – she will deny, deny, deny.

Porsha text msg

Phaedra waves her prayer cloth around in an effort to calm everyone down, but she hears about the latest drugging accusation and is relegated to take several seats.  Kandi tells Porsha she will sue her if she keeps her shit up.  Papa Smurf tries to calm it down, but Kandi is Vaselined up and ready to thunder punch Porsha in the throat.  To be continued…

Next week, Phaedra brings up her idea of holding a “restoration service come to Jesuzz” sesh for the ladies, Kandi and Phaedra face off, SBS and Kenya get into it, and Bob Crazy Eyes and SBS confront their physical abuse rumors.

Tongue Lashing

It’s the last day of Glamping and Kandi has arranged for she and Hazel to ghost the scene via Uber, she is all the way over it and won’t be setting foot on the party bus from hell.  The rest of the assholes pile on the flaming party bus of horror, everyone appears hung over as hell from a combination of Hennessey, emotions, and burnt marshmallows.  Except SBS, who is as alert as a kitty cat and appears to have snuck in an extra bicep workout in the a.m.  Kenya starts the shit, asking Porsha how she feels after getting her head blown off the night before.  Porsha has owned up to throwing shade, even though it took her awhile to admit, but she laughs it off as if it was all in good fun, a prank if you will.  Sorry Porsha, a prank is putting Vaseline on someone’s phone earpiece, or taping down the handle to the spray attachment on the kitchen sink.  To make matters worse, Counselor Parks still claims ignorance, stating “I was not part of those conversations”.  SBS doles out a heavy dose of stink eye, this is far from over.

own-your-shit

Cynthia arrives home to the lake house and for some reason decides to inform her daughter, Noelle and her assistant, Vikhe about the lesbian gossip and that Cynthia may also be a lesbian according to her cohort’s definitions.  Cynthia admits to experimenting, which she defines as “kissed a girl, or if a girl has kissed you in places.”  The word “places” causes Noelle, (as well as myself), to shudder and Noelle is about to die of embarrassment and seeks solace in Vikhe’s bosom.  I hope that doesn’t make Noelle a lesbian!  OY VEY, these ladies are so stupid, inappropriate, and politically incorrect!

To further confirm that they are “strictly dickly”, Kenya invites Cynthia and Malorie to the medical spa to treat Cynthia to a vaginal rejuvenation.  Kenya runs down the benefits, not that she would know or need such a procedure.  Cynthia really needs a laser carrying the heat of 1,000 suns jammed up her hoo-ha, she will be tight and right and will acquire the ability to pop an orgasm while taking a small speed bump in her Land Rover.  Cynthia asks the good doctor about the side effects, which are “extra juices for a few days”.  Throw on a panty-liner and hang on to your wigs and keys – life as you know it is about to change!  They throw a fuzzy blanket from the Target Home collection over Cynthia’s knees and get to work.  Cynthia has visions of flowers and butterflies until the red-hot laser makes contact with her vaginal walls.  The smell of her burning innards permeates the room and they all want to vomit.

After Cynthia is on the mend from her vagina resurfacing, she sits down with her partner at the Bailey Agency Skewl of Fashion for Wayward Models to plan a fashion show debacle for her new Cargo line.  She is going out on a limb and inviting SBS to stop by and discuss the possible involvement of Kairo.  Before SBS arrives, Cynthia has just enough time to explain to her partner that SBS has some lofty expectations that must be crushed like a paper cup!

crush-you-paper-cup

SBS transforms into “Momager” mode with a dash of psycho as soon as her ass hits the vinyl seat.  She wants compensation and free product.  Cynthia informs her there is no paycheck and he will receive one backpack and the priceless exposure.  SBS pushes for two backpaks, but Cynthia ain’t budging.  Cargo is a small company and those Mexican sweatshop workers can only sew so fast.  SBS lays down further demands, Kairo can only work on weekends because he’s in school.  Cynthia has to restrain herself from laughing, imagining how far she would have gotten if she had gotten Calvin Klein or Ralph Lauren on the horn and told him she could only work at 2 p.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays after her Chem Lab.  She urges Momager to allow Kairo to make the decision, but SBS emits a hearty chortle and says he will do what she tells him.

Across town, Kandi gathers her staff at the Kandi Factory and they sit in the obnoxiously oversized pleather chairs to hear the latest gossip Porsha is serving.  Kandi admits that on one drunken evening, Porsha kissed her and offered to perform an oral transaction to Kandi’s full 100% satisfaction.  Don Juan hurtles into outer space at hearing this news.  Clearly Porsha has graduated from wearing her water wings when it comes to the Lady Pond.  Kandi had kept the encounter between them on the DL for years, besides it was a fun night and they went to the Waffle House afterwards.  What could be better?!?!  Well, Porsha done f*cked up, now, the cat is outta the bag and Kandi won’t be holding back.

Later, there is a short bit where Kandi takes Riley to the studio to record a new song.  She wants Riley to pour her anger toward Block into a song and turn that pain into some serious coin.  Riley looks like she would rather have a back alley Brazilian wax than be at this studio.  Of course, Block never came through after his latest promises to visit with Riley, SHOCKING.  This song will not be a hit.  I repeat.  THIS IS NOT A HIT.  Sorry Riley, you can’t sing like your mama, stick to what you do best, sulking around like a moody pre-teen.  You’ll have plenty of time to mismanage your anger due to daddy issues when you reach your 40’s.

Counselor Parks arrives at her lawyer’s office and they show her getting out of her Mercedes and walking up to the office in slo-mo, ‘cuz everybody knows, Phaedra is a straight up G!  The lawyer informs her that the judge signed the order and the divorce is final!  Phaedra runs down her checklist of psychological damage control measures, which she must deploy tout de suit!  The lawyer then informs her that the court only served Apollo, they do not notify him of the outcome, so our good Counselor is tasked with delivering that fun li’l nugget of information.  Bring a power drill and a bucket o’ hinges for him and hopefully he will remain clam.  As Phaedra slips off her wedding ring and beats feet to “CASH 4 GOLD”, we are treated to a flashback of all the disgustingness that was Apollo.  Complete with the pickle photo shoot, sucking face like rabid otters in public, Apollo blatantly flirting with Kenya, and we cannot leave out the garage freak out of terror.  Have fun dropping dat bomb, Counselor Parks!  I sure hope commissary stocks popcorn in the vending machine on visiting day!

Later Phaedra drops by Porsha’s new multi-million-dollar home and she comes bearing Hennessey to see if Porsha will take a few shots and then offer up an oral transaction that would blow the Counselor’s mind.  They tour the house and oddly enough end up sitting on the bed discussing Phaedra’s divorce.  Phaedra delivered the news to Apollo and he wasn’t happy, but Phaedra doesn’t know what his fuss is about, seeing as how he has a prison pen-pal turned girlfriend, turned fiancé.  Yea, what could go wrong there?

Later, Porsha meets up with her pseudo-boyfriend, Todd, to determine if he is ready for a mature, adult relationship and some snuggie-wuggies and kissy-wissies.  Todd has brought her a diamond necklace, indicating he is fully aware that he is in the dawg house.  Porsha accepts the gift and then rips him a new asshole.  This is HER VISION, DAMN IT, and he had better follow the script to the letter or they are dunzo!  Todd hangs his head in shame and agrees to fill out an application at Domino’s so he can earn some walkin’ around money.

The final act is the Kandi vs. Porsha showdown, where Porsha’s plan of attack is to act like she threw Kandi under the lesbian bus because she was mad and didn’t think it would be repeated.  Jezzuz Porsha, have you seen this show?  In true Kandi fashion, she proceeds to call Porsha out, stating she is playing dumb and she is the one keeping her life activities as secret.  Kandi has always had her freak flag fully on display, if she was hookin’ up with women and had a sex dungeon she would make it know, because that would be FLY!

porsha-kandi-argue

Kandi admits to having some romps with women and one time Todd was involved, but it was only once.  There is no sex dungeon, just li’l Todd doing his best between taking care of Baby Ace and trying to get the OLG project off the ground.  Kandi then confronts Porsha about her proposition, “you tongued me down, bitch!”  Porsha brings up some woman she claims Kandi has had relations with for seven years and asserts that Kandi slept with several R&B groups to get to the top.  Kandi reveals that Porsha met Block because she was ho-in’ around with another rapper who knew Block and Porsha was a “pass around”.  The insults are flying around like ping pong balls, “I’m not into teacups, short and stout”, “Todd uses an Alias, Marvin, so he can cheat!”, “flip floppin’ women in yo’ bed like pancakes, You an International STANK HO!”

marvin

Porsha claims that she has the phone number of the woman claiming she had a seven-year relationship with Kandi and says she will text it to Kandi so she can deal with it.  Kandi can’t take anymore, so she walks out while Porsha mutters “toodles, bitch!”

Next time, preparations and a lot of waxing for the Bravo mandated trip to Maui.  Kandi and Porsha continue to fight, and what is Papa Smurf doing on this trip?  Does he want to try out Cynthia’s vaginal rejuvenation?

Pitchin’ and Bitchin’

The ladies are still on the party bus of doom, careening off the rails, straight to the campground of sweltering obliteration.  When they arrive, Phaedra announces she only planned for six rooms, so a few attendees with their un-invited plus ones will need to bunk up.  Marlo swiftly guarantees her single room status by announcing that she has horrific gastro-intestinitis, sphylkis of the ganectagazoink, which leaves everyone immediately revolted.

Luckily, Phaedra has planned the first night to be spent in the wild sleeping in tents, so Marlo’s gaseous emissions will be able to become one with the wind.  Before they head out to pitch tents for two hours, Marlo and SBS take a quick moment to caucus and decide that at some point SBS will bring up the latest gossip about Kandi dippin’ in the lady pond.  SBS is doing a public service, really… how can these “frienemies” bond when they can’t be honest with each other.  SBS, you are a Bravo producer’s dream.

The ladies re-board the party bus to hellfire and attempt to set up camp.  Everyone struggles with their tents, except Phaedra who decides to just camp out in her party print maxi-dress.  In the first low blow of the night, Kenya asks SBS for help with her air mattress since SBS has extensive expertise.  Let’s not leave out Phaedra, who used to kick it with Apollo on his air matters for their 2:00 a.m. booty courtship calls.

When they finally settle by the campfire, the focus is on Marlo – she has actually taken the time to bedazzle her can of “OFF” and her flashlight.  Phaedra asks Marlo what is on-trend besides bedazzled insect repellent cans and camel toe.  Marlo recommends lashes and suggests Kenya get better ones.  Lauren asks about this underlying rift between Marlo and Kenya and they hash it out over the non-invites to Kenya’s recent parties.  Giiirrrllll…you didn’t miss much!  Kenya has already apologized and isn’t going back down that bedazzled road.  Marlo takes another swing, calls Kenya miserable, her earrings and eyelashes a disaster, you can’t keep a broke man, and your own mother won’t even talk to you.  LOW.  EFFING.  BLOW.  EVEN.  FOR.  YOU.  MARLO.  YOU.  STANK.  ASS.  HO!  Although the other insults were on point.  Phaedra puts the kibosh on the trash talk and delivers an inspirational pep talk about how they should come together as sistas and not call each other prostitutes and ho’s.  Good call, Counselor!  Meanwhile, SBS is huddled up in her sleeping bag, bustin’ at the seams with her lesbian rumor agenda, just waiting for the prime moment to pounce.  She is a mess on wheels.

pitching-tents

The next day, they all sport their on-trend camel toe outfits to lunch and Kenya asks Phaedra how goes the divorce process.  Kandi points out that if one spouse goes to jail, she heard that the state would grant a divorce within 60 days….or some shit like dat.  Porsha comes to the defense of her bestie, stating that Apollo is the one holding up the show because he doesn’t want the divorce.  Let’s leave the legal stuff to Counselor Parks, shall we?  Anyhoo, Cynthia diffuses the tension by updating the crew on her divorce, which will be final very soon, but Papa Smurf wasn’t at the final signing.  Cynthia becomes emotional, she wanted that one last good bye with Papa, but I guess it hasn’t occurred to her that seeing her may be too painful for him considering she rebuffed his invitation to head back to his air mattress, while they said goodbye at Club One.  That was your big moment to get you some break-up sex, Cynthia!  Have these ho’s you are surrounded by taught you NOTHING?!?!?  The ladies rally around Cynthia, reaffirm that she is beautiful, smart, and successful, and will find a man to rise up to meet her standards.  Now there’s some real support!

They head out to meet a camp ground crew dude, who looks like he just rolled off of Willie Nelson’s tour bus.  He orders them into the kayaks and paddle boats, and gives them a good shove into the polluted cesspool they call a lake.  SBS freaks out as if someone set her weave and her favorite Fabletics leggings on fire, I haven’t heard SBS shriek like that since “who gon’ check me, boo?”

sheree-paddleboat

She cannot have non-chlorinated water near her vagina, and who knows what else lurks in those waters.  After the boating bust, the ladies are ordered to free fall into a fiery abyss from 100 feet up.  Most of the ladies participate and do so with grace and coolness, but leave it to Porsha to have a full-blown, hyperventilation, crying, laughing, freak out.  I mean, what’s the worst that could happen, you break a toe nail?

high-jump

The last 15 minutes of the show concludes with the death dinner of truth.  Kenya apologizes to Marlo once again, Marlo apologizes for the mother comment and they both accept, with a grain of salt.  The gang is barely past their opening cocktail and Marlo asks Kandi if she is a lesbian.  SBS and Porsha must have been attending discount acting classes in between Anger Management and working out, they both act totally shocked by this rumor.

marlo-asks-kandi

Kandi demands to know who said it and SBS won’t name names and gives everyone an opportunity to own up to it.  Phaedra is sucking back her wine as if it were black tar heroin.  SBS finally calls out Porsha, and then Porsha admits to insinuating Kandi was a lesbian, but chalks it up to a shady moment.  Production flashes back “Two Minutes Earlier”, to Porsha doing an impression of an unwise owl “WHO?  WHO? WHA? WHO SAID THAT?”  Comedy.  Gold.  Porsha tries to slide Phaedra into the mix with her Shamea comment, accompanied by international hand gesture for sexual intercourse, but it becomes a little glossed over with all the additional pandemonium and screeching.  Kandi clarifies that she is happy with her husband, she admits she has experimented, but she isn’t the only one who has dipped in the lady pond (Porsha this means you!)  It turns into a word-war between Kandi and Porsha about who did what, who knows what, who has been where, who tossed a salad, who performed a reach around, who fully immersed in the lady pond, and who’s full of shit.  In the end, Kandi thanks SBS for letting her know what was said behind her back, but this is not over.

kandi-confront-rumor

The groups retire to their respective rooms to hash through their own versions of what just went down.  Kandi gets line of the night, “when she [Porsha] gets drunk, she becomes an aggressive lesbian.”

We have a teaser for “this season” on RHATL, which shows some upcoming drama – a trip to Maui, SBS finally moving into Chateau by Sheree, Cynthia and Peter playing kissy face, Phaedra pulling some shadiness with her divorce, Porsha is pregnant, SBS and Bob falling back in love and then apart, Apollo is engaged, Kim “wigs’-n-cigs” Zolciak returns, and Kandi Vaseline’s her face up, ready to fight Porsha.

Smacking Miss Daisy

Well this week the ATL ladies are teeing up more drama than Tiger Woods.  We start with Kenya and Cynthia heading to the do-it-yourself dog wash.  First item of note is that gladiator sandals that wrap up the calf are not a good look for Kenya.  Her calves are bulging out of those things like stuffed sausage.  Second item of note is that Kenya kisses her dogs with full on tongue.  I’m not talkin’ just allowing the dog to lick her, but Kenya sticking her tongue out as far as it will go and waiting for the dog to lick her back.  Twirl is a smart pup, she refuses the lick, she knows where that tongue has been!  Speaking of where Kenya’s tongue roams…she and Matt are DUNZO…well for now, unless of course he gets it together and graduates from anger management and commits to attending three Rageaholics Anonymous meetings per week.  Then, and only then, may he have the proper potential with which Kenya may fall deeper in lust.

In other lip-licking news, Kenya informs her new BFF, Cynthia, that Papa Smurf has booked her to host the opening at Bar One and Done in Charlotte.  Cynthia is glad Kenya informed her since Papa Smurf didn’t inform her that he would be commandeering all of her friends in the divorce.  Kenya invites Cynthia to be her “date” since Matt will be held hostage at Tool Academy.  Across town, Peter is deep in the midst of a post-divorce crisis and purchases a Mercedes convertible on an open line of credit that Cynthia forgot to close.

In Porsha news, she is packing up the last of her things at her old home and finds that her mother was there and had left an old can of whipped cream on the counter.  Things that make you go “hmmmm”.

hmmm

She packs up that whipped cream and high-tails it to her mother’s house until she finds her new station in life.  She sneaks her new ex-boyfriend, Todd, into the house and shows him her Yoni egg and reads the informational pamphlet to him.  She uses the pamphlet to sage the air, puts some of the old whipped cream on a moldy strawberry, throws a mixed tape into the boom box, and they commence to have a good time as if they are teenagers again.

SBS is rocking a literal leopard print jump suit.  Literally with neon leopard bodies all over it.  She visits her publisher, apparently SBS is writing a juicy book.  It’s a tell-all/fiction/auto-biography/non-fiction/half-caf/3-shot/no foam/novel, entitled “Wives, Fiancées, and Side-Chicks of Hotlanta”.  The novel is loosely based on reality – this means you ATL cast-mates – and she will include all of the juicy stories she has been harboring in her mental filing cabinet of death.

Later, SBS decides to try Parkour as a new workout and a divisive way to injure Bob.  He jumps off a block and practically blows out a knee.  He is schvitzing like an overworked farm animal, but is saved by the bell as SBS takes a call from her publisher.  Naturally Bob is curious about what is going in the “tell-all” novel, specifically about him and wants to know if he gets any royalties.  He hopes this venture will be better than the fashion show with no clothes.  At least we know the book will have pages.

In other drama, Todd shows Kandi some cryptic Instagram post from Johnnie, Kandi’s ex-assistant.  Johnnie eludes to Kandi being disloyal and fake, but Kandi notes she had to let Johnnie run with the wind because he was starting his event planning bidness on the side and losing his focus on adequately wiping her butt after her defcon 5 dumps.  Kandi has him on the payroll for her upcoming Bedroom Kandi event, so let the confrontation begin!

kandi-pissed

At the 4th annual Bedroom Kandi convention, Kandi is bustling about greeting her sales force and ogling new vibrators for same-sex couples.  She pulls Johnnie off of dildo duty for a chat about his bitchy social media post.  She asks why he’s “feelin’ some kinda way” about her.  Johnnie is apparently still bitter about being fired by Don Juan the asshole and being underpaid.  Kandi tightens her pony-tail and clarifies that he had his side-bidness going and she knew it was only a matter of time before the side-bidness became priority, annnd he accepted the job for the pay rate he was making.  Johnnie isn’t backing down and as Kandi’s current thug-lette staff surrounds him, you can see the actual bridge burning to the ground.  Kandi tells him that he can call her a bitch or an asshole, but don’t call her fake!  She whips her ponytail around and tells Johnnie she will take her fake money and go elsewhere.  Johnny done fucked up.

Later, Johnnie pays a visit to Counselor Parks because he thinks he has a case against Kandi and her Factory.  Phaedra is taken aback, she thought they were “closer than two butt cheeks”.  Well the butt cheeks have separated in an unsightly manner, Johnnie claims he was wearing many hats for Kandi and wasn’t fairly compensated.  He presents Phaedra with his old paystubs for $500 a week, working 80 plus hours, and no benefits – a sad Johnnie mutters “I had to do Obamacare”.  She asks why he stuck around and he thought they would be bidness partners eventually, specifically in the restaurant venture.  He felt slapped in the face when Kandi went down restaurant road with Todd and the OLG, leaving Johnnie sad and penniless.  Phaedra gives him some false-hope, tells him he has a great case to recoup back pay or loss of future profits, and will refer him to a lawyer that specializes in that area of law.

phaedra-johnnie

Down in Charlotte, Cynthia and Kenya settle in their hotel room only to find that Matt has begun a social media rampage after learning that Kenya had Peter cancel his plane ticket without telling him.  He is hoppin’ mad and is driving to Charlotte, threatening Kenya via text to come back to him or he’s gonna go HAM (HOT ASS MESS).  As if that is even more possible at this point?!?!

go-ham

Club One is hoppin’ and Peter spots Cynthia walkin’ in “lookin’ like an ice cream cone”.  She takes him aside to explain that Kenya will not be attending due to the Matt situation, but she will step in as host for a modest cut of the booking fee.  Kenya decides to show up anyway and Matt rolls up at the same precise moment to confront Kenya.  Perfect timing Bravo intern!  We see Matt head over to her car, we hear a scuffle on the mic, and learn that Matt has opened the door and smacked the driver.  Matt squeals off in his SUV of doom and Peter phones him to find out What.  The.  Actual.  Fuck.

Matt claims the driver rolled his neck up in the window, so he smacked him.  Damn, I wish we could’ve seen that moment on tape!  Papa Smurf doles out some fatherly advice and tells him to slowly back-away from this relationship.  He tells Kenya the same thing and she is crying, AGAIN, “HE HAS SO MUCH POTENTIAL!”  At the end of the event, Cynthia gives Peter props for the Club One and Done opening and he hints that he lives right down the street…wink, wink…but Cynthia isn’t dipping her ice cream cone tonight, or any night!  She and her top knot smartly dismiss his overture as she mutters “awwwkward!”

awkward-meme

Next week – More broken glass at Moore Manor, Cynthia and Kenya become uninvited house guests at Kandi-Land, and the return of Marlo “Check my Charges” Thompson.

Confrontation Station

What better way to start the new year than to go see a man about rejuvenating your aging breasteses?  Cynthia heads over to “Dr. Curves”, because that’s the name of a plastic surgeon I would entrust with my life.  Anyhoo… she can’t possibly have this man superficially evaluate her breasts without her loving cast-mates in tow.  They arrive one by one and Kandi is a bit irked because she didn’t anticipate having to see Phaedra fresh off their ill-fated dispute over the inappropriateness of Mama Joyce repeating 50 times that Drama wanted to “blow Phaedra the f*ck up!”

Enter Counselor Parks, the consummate professional.  She keeps it cute and cordial, greeting her mortal enemy is if everything is copacetic.  The ENTIRE GANG wedges themselves into the exam room to witness Cynthia’s consultation, Dr. Jimerson enters and I’m a bit shocked that Kenya didn’t ask him for his personal cell phone number and a house call.  Cynthia challenges the Doc to guess who is fake vs. natural and he pegs Porsha and Kenya as fake, but Kenya insists she is natural and offers the Doc a feel and slips him her Twitter handle.  Cynthia drops her top and Phaedra is alarmingly excited, screaming TITTIES and trying to squeeze them.

kenya-grabbing-boobs

Kandi cops a feel and thinks they are quite nice, as is.  The doc locates a bit of hardening, but for now she has plenty of mileage on the ol’ bags.  Seeing as how she has now mortgaged her soul for the new lake house, Cynthia prudently defers boob maintenance for a few more years.

cynthia-disrobe

Later we learn that Cynthia sold her town home for $655,000 and the lake home is official.  She shows her mom and Mal around and as they sit, gazing out onto the murky lake, Cynthia reflects on the fact that it would have been her 6th wedding anniversary.  They pop some champagne to drink Peter off their minds, however Noelle is missing her Papa Smurf.  Later she meets with her former step-dad to participate in some Hot Yoga.  Peter walks in and tells the instructor he has never done Hot Yoga before, to which the instructor replies “ahhh, fresh meat!”  Actually, he is old meat…old gassy meat.  They do yoga for 90 minutes, all the while Papa Smurf is sweating like a farm animal and ripping some nasty hot, wet farts.  As they walk out, Noelle confides in Peter that she was upset that no one took her feelings into consideration about this whole divorce thingie.  Peter was trying to respect Cynthia’s space, but will make an effort to keep in touch.  They begin to tear up from the methane gas leaking from Peter’s ass and they hot hug it out.

Across town, SBS meets with her interior designer, who shows her a $12,000 bed and a $4,000 chaise, as he uses a sample fabric swatch to wipe the sweat from his brow.  SBS watches him do this and looks at him like “oh no you di’int!”  As she reels from sticker shock and refuses to go back to IKEA, she starts talking baseboards and trim and is ready to throw her housewarming bash, sans dust and tittie sweat.

no-he-didnt

Kandi and Mama Joyce go shopping for diamond earrings for Riley’s 14th birthday and settle on a pair for $3,500, wow.  When I was 14, I was lucky to get a pair of Calvin Klein jeans, back when they cost $50 a pair!  Okay, showing my age…but I digress…Kandi tells Mama about the discussion with Phaedra, but Mama thinks Kandi has been to nice and someone should blow Phaedra the f*ck up.  Later, Riley has an underwhelming reaction to the diamonds, but she is all in on the cake from the A&P and they all eat it right out of the container.  She reveals that Block has called and wants to see her soon.  Kandi thinks she should go alone, but Riley wants her mom to tag along.  Mama Joyce flashes her crocodile grin and offers to go with Riley, now there’s an episode…Mama and Block face off.

kandi-mama-gossip

Phaedra and Shamea decide to insert “yoni eggs” into their vaginas because Porsha wants her vaginal walls “to look like Sheree’s hamstrings, ready to pounce!”  They insert, Porsha narrowly escapes damage to her taint, then they start “exercising”.  Shamea keeps groaning about how “amaaaaaazing” it feels and at one point, we see Shamea performing downward dog in her mini-skirt with the string hanging out from between her legs.  The Bravo intern who failed to cue up the black modesty box should be fired, ASAP.  This.  Has.  Gone.  Too.  Far.  SBS arrives late to the party and wisely claims it’s “that time of the month”, so she cannot partake, besides her lady parts are as tight as her top-knot!   After all the flexing of the vaginal walls, Shamea and Porsha start talking about doing this again, but they should invite Kandi and Phaedra because they are both perverse freaks who love to insert foreign objects into their vaginas.  SBS may be on the rag, but she is always up for stirring the pot.  Her official role this season is to repeat all the damning things she hears, float them out there, and then sit back and watch the shit show.  SBS brings up the rumor about Phaedra cheating on Apollo before he chased her with the power drill, flipped out over a Home Depot bucket of hinges, and then went to jail.  Shamea decides to jump into the cesspool and claims that Phaedra at one time went after her own huzzzband.

yoni-eggs

Later, Porsha and SBS invite Phaedra for the lunch of death to inform her of the rumor Kandi is allegedly floatin’ on da’ streets of the ATL.  Phaedra is sick of Kandi and her “homemade thug employees”.  Then, in a masterstroke of bitchery, Phaedra pantomimes the international hand signal for sexual intercourse and states that Kandi and Shamea are sleeping together, and sometimes they throw li’l Todd into the mix.  SBS calls her a “motherf*ckin’ liar”, but Porsha jumps on this train like the hot mess underground railroad express.  Phaedra gets so excited that her bestie is on board for some good ol’ fashioned slander, that she almost chokes on the lemon seed stuck to her lip gloss.

Naturally, Porsha and her hench-woman SBS confront Kandi about the malicious rumors she has spread about Phaedra.  Kandi goes ballistic on Porsha because she participated in the rumors and knows that Porsha in fact, took the photo of Phaedra that was texted to the mysterious “Chocolate”.  Porsha is weaving a mess as tangled as SBS’s statement necklace.  Kandi is so upset, she must forego tacos, and lawwwwd knows she doesn’t like to miss a meal.  She grabs her bottled water and bolts.

porsha-confront-kandi

Next week, someone is facing a lawsuit and another visit from Maniacal Matt!