Smacking Miss Daisy

Well this week the ATL ladies are teeing up more drama than Tiger Woods.  We start with Kenya and Cynthia heading to the do-it-yourself dog wash.  First item of note is that gladiator sandals that wrap up the calf are not a good look for Kenya.  Her calves are bulging out of those things like stuffed sausage.  Second item of note is that Kenya kisses her dogs with full on tongue.  I’m not talkin’ just allowing the dog to lick her, but Kenya sticking her tongue out as far as it will go and waiting for the dog to lick her back.  Twirl is a smart pup, she refuses the lick, she knows where that tongue has been!  Speaking of where Kenya’s tongue roams…she and Matt are DUNZO…well for now, unless of course he gets it together and graduates from anger management and commits to attending three Rageaholics Anonymous meetings per week.  Then, and only then, may he have the proper potential with which Kenya may fall deeper in lust.

In other lip-licking news, Kenya informs her new BFF, Cynthia, that Papa Smurf has booked her to host the opening at Bar One and Done in Charlotte.  Cynthia is glad Kenya informed her since Papa Smurf didn’t inform her that he would be commandeering all of her friends in the divorce.  Kenya invites Cynthia to be her “date” since Matt will be held hostage at Tool Academy.  Across town, Peter is deep in the midst of a post-divorce crisis and purchases a Mercedes convertible on an open line of credit that Cynthia forgot to close.

In Porsha news, she is packing up the last of her things at her old home and finds that her mother was there and had left an old can of whipped cream on the counter.  Things that make you go “hmmmm”.

hmmm

She packs up that whipped cream and high-tails it to her mother’s house until she finds her new station in life.  She sneaks her new ex-boyfriend, Todd, into the house and shows him her Yoni egg and reads the informational pamphlet to him.  She uses the pamphlet to sage the air, puts some of the old whipped cream on a moldy strawberry, throws a mixed tape into the boom box, and they commence to have a good time as if they are teenagers again.

SBS is rocking a literal leopard print jump suit.  Literally with neon leopard bodies all over it.  She visits her publisher, apparently SBS is writing a juicy book.  It’s a tell-all/fiction/auto-biography/non-fiction/half-caf/3-shot/no foam/novel, entitled “Wives, Fiancées, and Side-Chicks of Hotlanta”.  The novel is loosely based on reality – this means you ATL cast-mates – and she will include all of the juicy stories she has been harboring in her mental filing cabinet of death.

Later, SBS decides to try Parkour as a new workout and a divisive way to injure Bob.  He jumps off a block and practically blows out a knee.  He is schvitzing like an overworked farm animal, but is saved by the bell as SBS takes a call from her publisher.  Naturally Bob is curious about what is going in the “tell-all” novel, specifically about him and wants to know if he gets any royalties.  He hopes this venture will be better than the fashion show with no clothes.  At least we know the book will have pages.

In other drama, Todd shows Kandi some cryptic Instagram post from Johnnie, Kandi’s ex-assistant.  Johnnie eludes to Kandi being disloyal and fake, but Kandi notes she had to let Johnnie run with the wind because he was starting his event planning bidness on the side and losing his focus on adequately wiping her butt after her defcon 5 dumps.  Kandi has him on the payroll for her upcoming Bedroom Kandi event, so let the confrontation begin!

kandi-pissed

At the 4th annual Bedroom Kandi convention, Kandi is bustling about greeting her sales force and ogling new vibrators for same-sex couples.  She pulls Johnnie off of dildo duty for a chat about his bitchy social media post.  She asks why he’s “feelin’ some kinda way” about her.  Johnnie is apparently still bitter about being fired by Don Juan the asshole and being underpaid.  Kandi tightens her pony-tail and clarifies that he had his side-bidness going and she knew it was only a matter of time before the side-bidness became priority, annnd he accepted the job for the pay rate he was making.  Johnnie isn’t backing down and as Kandi’s current thug-lette staff surrounds him, you can see the actual bridge burning to the ground.  Kandi tells him that he can call her a bitch or an asshole, but don’t call her fake!  She whips her ponytail around and tells Johnnie she will take her fake money and go elsewhere.  Johnny done fucked up.

Later, Johnnie pays a visit to Counselor Parks because he thinks he has a case against Kandi and her Factory.  Phaedra is taken aback, she thought they were “closer than two butt cheeks”.  Well the butt cheeks have separated in an unsightly manner, Johnnie claims he was wearing many hats for Kandi and wasn’t fairly compensated.  He presents Phaedra with his old paystubs for $500 a week, working 80 plus hours, and no benefits – a sad Johnnie mutters “I had to do Obamacare”.  She asks why he stuck around and he thought they would be bidness partners eventually, specifically in the restaurant venture.  He felt slapped in the face when Kandi went down restaurant road with Todd and the OLG, leaving Johnnie sad and penniless.  Phaedra gives him some false-hope, tells him he has a great case to recoup back pay or loss of future profits, and will refer him to a lawyer that specializes in that area of law.

phaedra-johnnie

Down in Charlotte, Cynthia and Kenya settle in their hotel room only to find that Matt has begun a social media rampage after learning that Kenya had Peter cancel his plane ticket without telling him.  He is hoppin’ mad and is driving to Charlotte, threatening Kenya via text to come back to him or he’s gonna go HAM (HOT ASS MESS).  As if that is even more possible at this point?!?!

go-ham

Club One is hoppin’ and Peter spots Cynthia walkin’ in “lookin’ like an ice cream cone”.  She takes him aside to explain that Kenya will not be attending due to the Matt situation, but she will step in as host for a modest cut of the booking fee.  Kenya decides to show up anyway and Matt rolls up at the same precise moment to confront Kenya.  Perfect timing Bravo intern!  We see Matt head over to her car, we hear a scuffle on the mic, and learn that Matt has opened the door and smacked the driver.  Matt squeals off in his SUV of doom and Peter phones him to find out What.  The.  Actual.  Fuck.

Matt claims the driver rolled his neck up in the window, so he smacked him.  Damn, I wish we could’ve seen that moment on tape!  Papa Smurf doles out some fatherly advice and tells him to slowly back-away from this relationship.  He tells Kenya the same thing and she is crying, AGAIN, “HE HAS SO MUCH POTENTIAL!”  At the end of the event, Cynthia gives Peter props for the Club One and Done opening and he hints that he lives right down the street…wink, wink…but Cynthia isn’t dipping her ice cream cone tonight, or any night!  She and her top knot smartly dismiss his overture as she mutters “awwwkward!”

awkward-meme

Next week – More broken glass at Moore Manor, Cynthia and Kenya become uninvited house guests at Kandi-Land, and the return of Marlo “Check my Charges” Thompson.

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Unnecessary Trouble

Assuming the viewers have a holiday hangover, Bravo aired a real snooze-fest of an episode, except to set up some future drama and establish that Don Juan is thirsty for his own peach, wears pink panties, and tampons.  More on that later…

Kenya is experimenting with online dating.  She posts a 1982 photo of herself on Tinder and decides to hit the gym in some hideous red leggings with brass button booty pockets.  As if she needs to draw attention to that ass, which doesn’t even register on the Kardashian size scale.  Marlo “Check my Charges” joins her for the workout and prompts Kenya to accept a date from a fine, albeit much younger, piece of meat.  The prospective date doesn’t quite meet Kenya’s lengthy list of qualifications for a mate, but he’ll do.  Kenya, need we remind you that you are 45 years old?  You are not entitled to lengthy requirements such as “looks like Matthew McConaughey, half-horse/half-man.”  Kenya dresses somewhat appropriately to attend the basketball date, but it ruffles her weave and she decides she won’t be accepting a second date.  Umm…I’m not sure he even asked!

Cynthia receives some “just because I love you” yellow friendship roses from Papa Smurf, an indication he is really upping his game.  He drove all night from Charlotte just to take her on a romantic lunch date in the park.  He hired a local artist to sketch them as they ate cold jalapeno poppers and wings with coagulated ranch dip out of a to-go container from Sprorts One.  The artist reveals his sketch at the end of the lunch and they both look like possessed evil demons hatched from a boil on Satan’s ass.

In Phaedra land, Apollo’s friend Bun stops by for a visit and he comes bearing gifts for the boys.  Phaedra sends the boys on their way to “go play” so that she and Bun can reflect on Apollo’s power drill, bucket-o-hinges, crazy garage freak out.  If I heard them correctly, we learn that Bun was a former cellmate of Apollo’s during his first incarceration.  Later, Phaedra drives Ayden to his first day of Kindergarten.  The kid is too cute for words, he is wearing a bow tie and saying “check please”, as if he is a high-society southern gentleman trying to impress his date at the finest McDonald’s in the ATL.  During the car ride to school, Ayden admits he is a bit scared and he is going to miss his mom because he wants her to go everywhere with him.  That will wear off li’l man…give it time.  He tells her he will always be her baby…SWOON!

Ayden - Baby

Porsha continues to delude herself into thinking that Oliver in Miami wants anything other than a slice of her ham hock booty.  They set up a Skype sesh, but all Oliver cares about is seeing down the front of her “house dress”, which is a backless black number with a plunging neckline.  She asks Oliver if he’s ready for a relationship, there is a long pause, some crickets chirping, buffalo grunting, and then Oliver’s audio conveniently breaks up.

Kandi has produced a song with a leftover from last season, Demetria McKinney.  The two ladies meet with Demetria’s beau, Roger Bobb and he is ready to shoot a music video.  The ever-supportive Don Juan voices concerns about Kandi performing in the video due to her weight and age, but then quickly plays the “high-risk pregnancy” card before Kandi thunder punches him in the throat.

While being prepped for the video shoot, Kandi can’t even sit through hair and makeup without an order of chicken fingers.  Todd arrives on his hover board to offer support, but we all truly know he just wanted to play with his hover board.  The wardrobe team drapes Kandi in a purple mumu to hide her baby bump and she wears thigh boots worn by Rainbow Brite’s understudy.  Once they get her on stage and fire up the wind machine, the mumu barely covers her cervix.

Kandi - Video

What better excuse for a party than the “Unnecessary Trouble” music video launch!  Kandi is hoping the party goes well and Todd is hoping Phaedra shows up with a check!

Kim Fields, getting significantly less air play this week, shows up to the launch party in leather hot pants and hooker boots.  Kenya throws some shade, “she looked like a confused prostitute at Disney World.”  I’m happy to see Kimmy get a li’l wild and branch out from her Mrs. Roper wardrobe collection.

Kandi gives an intro before the video premiere and she discusses pitfalls of mixing friendship and bidness, but Demetria showed up with a check, so they all good.  Phaedra interprets this to be a thinly veiled message directed at her and decides to grab Porsha’s drink and slam it down.  The crowd goes wild over the lackluster video, but that’s what the extras are paid to do.  While Phaedra exits stage left, she congratulates Kandi and asks Todd to stop by her office sometime.  Outside, Phaedra vents to Porsha and Shamea, and Porsha becomes more riled up about it than she did when Cynthia delivered a kick to her cooter.  Don Juan pretends to hear them gossiping about his “people” and he sidles up and gets in Porsha’s face.  Phaedra excuses herself and notes that Don Juan needs to have several seats.  As the ladies trail off into the parking lot, Porsha says about Don Juan “go home and change your tampon.”

Porsha - yell at don

Next week – Todd and Phaedra finally hash out the money issue.  Kenya faces her father.  Kandi and Porsha face off.

Kung Fu Panda

The only time wearing leggings as pants is acceptable would be when kick fighting.  It gives the kicker a full range of motion to better overtake their opponent.  Thank goodness Cynthia had the foresight to throw on those leggings under her sundress.  She delivers a heel to Porsha’s bread basket and the deck hand and a camera man tackle Porsha down on a lounge chair as she is bucking like a rodeo horse to get loose.  Oh where is Mama Joyce with her Wal-Mart wedgie of death when you need her?!?!  The girls scatter into two groups to even out the weight distribution in the boat.  Kenya is calling SECURITY to get Porsha and Shamea off the boat and on to a dingy to transport the two thugs back to dry land.

Kenya-Security

Kandi and She by Shereé are wondering where Tammy is, only to find her down in the cabin sitting in a drunken stare.  Cynthia calls Papa Smurf, and he agrees to come home to tell her she acted a fool in person.  Kim is visibly shaken by the whole scene and it reaffirms the fact that she is content with her family, her snacks, and her library book!  Hmmm… this is a buzz kill not even She by Top Knot can deal with.

she by top knot

For the next 20 minutes or so, it’s the hash, hash, rehash, justify actions, backpedal, side step… Porsha is all bruised up due to her fight with the “wild ghetto cat” and there is not enough body glitter in the ATL to heal her broken spirit.  Porsha confides in her mother, who delivers a pickup truck bed full of foil-wrapped comfort foods, while WEARING FLESH COLORED LEGGINGS AS PANTS!

Kim and her “Mad Max” hair meet up with Phaedra, and Kim recounts the situation.  Phaedra claims Porsha was cut on her stomach, but Kim verifies that Cynthia had on flats she ordered from Zappos.  Kim gets line of the night “this is being analyzed like the JFK assassination!”  Welcome to RHATL, Kimmie!

Kim - mad max

Kandi treats Don Juan and Cameron to the recap and Don Juan busts out his best impersonations, but ends up sounding more like Mama Joyce.  Kenya vents to her Aunt, who consults her “Iyanla Fix My Life Workbook” and encourages Kenya to get the girls together for another Bravo mandated meal from hell.

Papa Smurf arrives from Charlotte and Cynthia is looking for support, but isn’t getting what she expects.  Peter Thomas, unlikely voice of reason, actually points out to her that if she kicked Porsha she likely hurt her.  He also points out that his bride is likely acting out of her frazzled emotional state, and it has nothing to do with Porsha.  Cynthia freaks out a bit, and not because she was wearing leggings as pants and hideous Crocs, but because she realizes she needs to suck it up and apologize to Porsha.

Kandi needs to deal with her own stomach kicking, so she and Todd visit Dr. Jackie for a checkup.  No big news here except that when Dr. Jackie couldn’t find the heartbeat, Todd found that to be an opportune moment to step out and make a call.  WHAAAAT?

Kandi Checkup

Across town, Counselor Parks has her own agenda – busting out the Snoopy Snow Cone Machine!  Ayden, who is clearly the brains of the operation, comes up with the most brilliant idea ever, which is to put cookies through the crushing machine instead of ice.  This is all I need right here, Ayden should have his own show.

Kenya calls her BFF Cynthia, a.k.a. Kung Fu Panda, to discuss her Bravo mandated Iyanla “Fix My Life” Brunch, which will give Cynthia an opportunity to get back on track with Porsha.  Kenya is actually offering some sound advice for once, she thinks Cynthia and Porsha need to talk as soon as they can and not let it fester.  On brunch from hell day, Kenya has a face to face with Porsha to prep her for the impending confrontation and I’m not sure why we even had to deal with this, other than to preview Kenya’s hideous, billowy, romper-type, flashdance-esque number that looks like she fashioned it from her grandmother’s guest bed dust ruffle.  She looks like an insane housewife from one of the square states.

Porsha takes the opportunity to point out Kenya’s bad behavior on the boat, bringing the negativity, etc.  The two deflect, backpedal, and bust out the electric slide, but then agree to move forward and Porsha agrees to play nice with Cynthia.  Not to mention her Bravo paycheck depends on it.

At the brunch location, everyone is late except for Kandi and Kim.  Kim makes it clear that she is not down with CPT and she has shit to do (that library book ain’t gonna read itself!).  Annnnd I looooovvve how Kandi plays along as if she is always on time!  Haha, that beyotch will be late for her own funeral!  Phaedra isn’t sure why she is at the “unity luncheon”, but she is not one to miss a meal and a good show.  Kenya and Porsha arrive together, fresh off their one on one.  Kim is no-nonsense with the group and lays the cards out on the table and wants to know where Cynthia and Porsha stand and why Cynthia is wearing a shirt with her own picture on it.  Porsha and Cynthia excuse themselves to go take up space in the restaurant to hash it out.  Apparently Cynthia thinks she is starring in “Sex and the City”, she is all prom dress on the bottom, Bailey Agency softball team on top.  How very Carrie Bradshaw.

Carrie Bradshaw

Back at the main brunch table from hell, Kandi calls Kenya out for being guilty of not recognizing her own wrongs, but Kenya let it go because it’s not good karma to fight a pregnant woman.  Meanwhile, Cynthia and Porsha apologize to each other and air-hug it out.  The rest of the gang applauds…annnnd hopefully we never have to talk about this.  Ever.  Again.

Kandi Call Out

Next week, the gang is in Miami, Porsha gets her THOT on, Kim wants no part of the group.  She by Shereé accuses Tammy of sleeping with her ex-hubs, and Kenya calls SECURITY!

Blood, Sweat, and Shade

We kick of this week Phaedra “treating” her dear friend Porsha to a colonic.  I’m sorry, but when any friend of mine “treats” me to something, it doesn’t involve blasting my asshole inside out.  Phaedra, however, couldn’t be more excited to have her bunghole hosed out.  Porsha is a colonic “virgin”… which is the only sensible quality she possesses.  Phaedra wishes Kenya could be there because she desperately needs one… “she’s so full of poop she’s two shades darker”.  If I didn’t know any better, I would say that sounded a tad racist, but ya’ gotta love Counselor Parks, #ZeroPhucksGiven by Phaedra.

Phaedra and Porsha twerk in the changing room in order to start prairie doggin’ prior to the procedure.  Phaedra holds Porsha’s hand to take her mind off of the small mountain lion being birthed out of her ass.  They vent about the trash talkin’ at Duke’s sip-n-see and Phaedra dishes on her one on one with Kandi.  Meanwhile, across town…Kandi dishes to Todd about the one on one and all he wants to know is if Phaedra cut a check while she dropped by the Kandi Factory.

Cynthia greets her hunky ex-baby daddy, Leon, so they can interview a tutor for Noelle.  Noelle will be going into signing and acting and will be home schooled, but the first tutor they interview is too cute for Noelle, but just right for Cynthia’s shameless flirting.  They decide he can’t have the job because for the love of all that is good and descent, the last thing we need is Cynthia bangin’ the tutor on the wicker futon in the guest bedroom.  Anyhoo…Leon gets Cynthia alone long enough to question her about video-gate starring Papa Smurf, but he encourages Cynthia to fight for her marriage at all costs.

Porsha is running in a “Celebrity Track Meet” and we are clearly using the term “celebrity” very loosely.  Before arousing an adolescent boy in the stands, the camera man should have told Porsha that her leggings are hanging on to her ass by a thread and we can see right through them.  Kandi shows up, I am presuming for support, because there is no way Kandi is running unless there is a hearty platter of chicken fingers with honey mustard dipping sauce at the finish line.  Porsha runs her race, doesn’t do too well, and she gets smoked like a crack pipe.

After all that excitement, Porsha frets to Kandi about Duke because all her friends are encouraging her to do a preliminary pre-check on him.  Porsha compares it to Kandi and Todd, but Kandi glares at her like she swiped the last chicken finger and explains that she actually got to know Todd before she went all in on him.  Not to mention that she met Todd at work and not over Instagram.

Kenya meets with Marlo “Check My Charges” and an event planner named “Passionate”.  Kenya is launching her hair care line via the “Kenya Moore Hair Care Experience.”  We learn that Passionate planned the Cynthia Bailey eyewear extravaganza, and Kenya has faith that Passionate will make even more fabulous.  I think Kenya emphasized to Passionate about 100 times that she wants it to be freezing in the venue, which of course is foreshadowing for the sweltering heat box that is the Kenya Moore Hair Care Sweatsperience.  Marlo has a serious “fix it Jesus” talk with Kenya and advises her to squash the beef with She by Shereé.  She notes that neither one of them have any manners and that’s why they are butting heads like two motherless goats.  Okay…ahem…you know when Marlo “check my charges” Hampton is the voice of reason, your shit is f*cked up!

Kim is prepping for Kenya’s event and she and her hubby, Christopher, are excited to get out for the night and be away from the kids.  Kim is a bit nervous because she hasn’t done a “girls night out” since 8th grade.  Christopher teases her about not having any friends, but based on her wardrobe selections, that may be true.  Clearly Kim’s definition of “Getting the Look for Less” is looking like a broke down, blind, Mrs. Roper.

Kim - Getting Ready

The Kenya Moore Hair Care Experience is underway and the guests are sweating their weaves off.  Porsha and her friend Shamea climb up three floors of rickety stairs to enter the burning inferno, only to discover that the product bottles are filled with water.  Apparently Kenya’s staff of one (Brandon – that means you!) thought this was a bottled water line!

Kandi arrives and we learn that she is actually good friends with Shamea.  Kandi asks the bartender for water, but he doesn’t have any.  Apparently Brandon used all the available water to fill the purple hairspray bottles that he picked up from Dollar General.  I bet they are out of Beer Nuts too!  Shamea doesn’t have any qualms about chugging the water as if it were real Jeri curl just to drive her shady point home.  This chick seems like she’s a fun li’l lollipop dipped in psycho.  Since there isn’t any actual drinkable water to be found, Kandi is ready to take a knee due to pregnancy exhaustion and she decides to bolt.

Phaedra shows up to support Kenya’s “square booty”, and the rest of the ensemble trickles in.  Phaedra and Cynthia are dressed like they are going on an undercover safari.  Kenya finally arrives with her date Eugene, who looks like he would smell like Pappy Van Winkle bourbon, pine, and seeing a man about a dog.  But we all know this “date” is about as real as the hair care products on the cocktail tables.  Phaedra is happy that Kenya finally met someone at her dermatologist’s office…OUCH!  The crowd may be able to find some relief from the heat under the shade Phaedra is providing.

Kim is getting to know the gang and they are excited to meet some other couples and make potential real life friends.  HA, plans foiled… Phaedra, without hesitation, launches her introduction with “my husband’s in prison” and Cynthia reveals she isn’t speaking to hers because he has been MIA for ten days.

Phaedra - Safari Hat

Kenya twirls into the party and greets She by Shereé cordially, but She by Shereé isn’t sure if she can trust a bitch who “still wearin’ colored contacts in 2015.”  She by Shereé compares the event to her fashion show with no fashions, “it’s a hair care event with no hair care products.”  Kenya asks She by Shereé to step outside so they can talk without sweating like farm animals.  Kenya acknowledges that they got off to a bad start and they realize they have a lot in common.  They are both strong-willed, they both own unfinished homes, and they both sleep the same brand of air mattress.  They decide to start fresh and air-hug it out.

At the end of this three ring shit show, Cynthia finally gets some face time with Papa Smurf and she confronts him about his poor conduct at the eyewear launch party.  Peter admits he got good and hammered before he showed up.  Peter feels like they are both putting career before their marriage, and blames Cynthia for not making time for his ignorant, phantom ass.  Cynthia reminds him that she uprooted herself from NYC to move to the ATL and marry him and now it’s been non-stop challenges, empty bank accounts, and incriminating Instagram videos.  Cynthia drops the bomb and tells him she isn’t sure if she is still in love with him and they may not be compatible.  He professes his love for her, but homegirl ain’t feelin’ it.  Peter sheds some tears that cut through his thick stage makeup, but he seems genuinely upset.  Peter doesn’t feel divorce is an option, but Cynthia is on board with having an escape route.  They agree to give it one more chance, but if it doesn’t work out, it’s curtains for Papa Smurf.

Cynthia Peter Divorce Talk

Next week, what makes Kim tick?  A boat outing goes awry, it’s Kenya vs. Sheana and Cynthia vs. Porsha.