Masters of Disguise

It’s the finale of RHATL and we can’t wait for the nine-part reunion, so let’s dive right into the madness!  We learn that Porsha’s co-workers at Dish Nation lovingly call her “P-Willi”, they are live on the air discussing the upcoming nickel-n-dime stage play, starring their own P-Willi alongside the shady Vivica A. Fox.  I must take a poignant pause here and reflect on the “seven degrees of Kevin Bacon” moment we are having – so here’s Miss Vivica on the RHATL for a cameo, she was formerly a guest on WWHL with Andy Cohen, where she claimed that her ex-boyfriend, 50-CENT, is gay.  ALLEGEDLY PEOPLE!  Not to be confused with our own 50-CYNT, who is not gay… as far as we know!  Whew – the world is a rich tapestry, my friends!

Vivica 50

Across town, other housewives with nothing to do are meeting for a play date!  Kandi takes Baby Ace to the pumpkin patch to meet with Eva and her daughter Marley Rae.  Let’s just say that Marley Rae is not DTPD (Down to Play Date).  She’s a bit fussy, but they only have to stay for a few contractually obligated moments in order to lay the groundwork for the hellscape that will be the last 15 minutes of the episode.  Eva is now an official ATL resident, and it’s her BURF-DAY, and it’s HALLOWEEN, so Kandi convinces her to throw a Halloween costume party and invite all past mortal enemies of housewives present.

Later, 50-Cynt and Nene roll up to the mall in Nene’s Rent-A-Royce, but no handicapped parking for them!  They must hobble on their cloven hooves into the Halloween store and select cheezie costumes.  Eva is already in the shop and we learn that the party will be held in an old, decommissioned church.  This parade of unstable skanks may spontaneously combust upon entering.  50-Cynt gives Nene a warning – Wigs-n-Cigs will be in attendance.  Nene tries to brush it off, pretending to be enthralled by some “Nestle Crunch” socks [no… seriously!]  She’s too busy catching checks, no room to catch a case!

SBS welcomes some of the ladies to the Château for a tour of the newly finished basement.  Only Kandi and 50-Cynt show up, but hey… more macaroons for Kandi!  Kandi causally points out that SBS has no doormat at all and SBS tells her it had to be custom-made and is “on backorder”.  As SBS leads them down into the fully furnished home underneath the Château, she is serving up shade left and right.  Nene couldn’t make it to the basement unveiling, which she doesn’t understand since she has free time after being fired from the Xscape tour… and 50-Cynt, who has a home full of IKEA, needs to see what real furniture looks like.  Oh SBS, karma is going to bite you in the bubble-booty when your Château is repoed!  Kandi can’t reconcile the figures in her head, but SBS must have sold a lot of books.  SBS situates Kandi and 50-Cynt in the spa and in come the two ladies from Priv to get their product placement by Bravo, and give some weak-ass hand massages.  SBS takes the floor with her latest drama, apparently SBS heard from Shamea that P-Willi called her after Barcelona and said that none of the women can be trusted, not even SBS!  Not one to ever let things slide, SBS is ticked after she had P-Willi’s back for the last four months.  She plans to open up a can o’ rent-a-whoop ass on P-Willi, but 50-Cynt advises her to talk it over directly with P-Willi before turning loose like a crack-house rat.  Ahem… 50-Cynt, have you seen this show?

It’s the opening night of “two can play that game” and P-Willi is on stage playing a “bona fide ho”, which isn’t much of a stretch.  50-Cynt and Kenya are the only two who show up, and Kenya is there for the sole purpose of throwing shade at the current state of Vivica’s old face.

Hypocrisy meter

Okay finally, the last 15 – it’s the night of the Halloween party and this shin-dig is held together with prayers and chewing gum.  In comparison with the other bashes we’ve seen, it’s quite pitiful.  There are some random plastic bowls of Halloween candy disbursed on rented high-top tables and a buffet of airport KFC.

The only noteworthy part is 50-Cynt dressed as 50-Cent and lookin’ pretty dang fierce.  Will trails in, dressed as Poindexter – we could use a little less of him.  Noelle is at the party and this is her first exposure to Will, probably her last since his dating contract will be toast before filming is over.

SBS commits the ultimate Halloween-welcome to the ATL-but no peach for you party-foul and dresses in the same costume as the host.  There is only room for ONE Cleopatra in this decommissioned den of worship!  Wigs-n-Kroy are unoriginal as Hugh Hefner and a rando Playboy bunny, but I’m glad that this is the first episode in the long time that Kroy is not relegated to circling the block in the Escalade!  Marlo shows up as BAPS and some random older man, who she introduces as “Raymond”.  Kenya asks where he came from, to which he replies, “I fell from the sky”… more like fell out of escort agency li’l black book!

mmm hmm

SBS tells Marlo about the P-Willi gossip and Marlo convinces her it’s the best plan in the history of the explored universe to confront her at this social gathering.  Nene and Gregg walk in dressed as roach and exterminator and totally steal the show.  #couplepettygoals!  Wigs is in the corner lookin’ like a rabid bunny, but the joke is on her.  Kroy is laughing and gives Nene props for having a great sense of humor.  Watch Nene float out of this thing and score an endorsement deal for Orkin Pest Control, or some crazy shit!  Nene will be cashin’ cock-roach checks instead of Trump checks – ah well, same difference, right?

Nene-Gregg

At a nearby rent-a-high-top, it’s SBS-n-Wigs vs. zombie brides P-Willi-n-Lauren.  The confrontation begins… P-Willi’s life is just one crushing friendship defeat after another.  She responds as one would expect of any zombie bride – “wha’?”  Shamea, appropriately dressed as “messy mermaid”, wiggles her way up to bring her bestie up to speed on why SBS is comin’ for her.  The whole thing escalates quickly, Wigs inserts herself, there’s a lot of acrylic fingernail waving, and P-Willi suggests they talk privately.  Game over – SBS has already labelled her as a bad friend and she dashes off to burn their friendship contract at the decorative entry cauldron.  Nene takes P-Willi aside and lectures her about giving an “apology presentation ceremony” of sorts to the entire group, with “no buts”.  P-Willi stands her ground and says “NO” to Nene, which is freakin’ unheard of in this crew.  Marlo and her 5 foot wig try to butt in, P-Willi is shoveling Pez or Xanax into her mouth at an alarming rate, but then swiftly walks away because she’s about to erupt into a fiery rage containing the white-hot heat of 1,000 suns!  Marlo the asshole and her 5-foot wig are chasing after P-Willi and she pulls on her zombie-bride train.  Some rando party-goer, or a Bravo intern perhaps, whisks in to aid P-Willi and he helps carry her train so she can escape the idiot-hooker chasing her.

50-cent-porsha

Oddly – this rando looks a li’l like none other than the real 50-CENT!  After P-Willi escapes from the peach-thirsty Marlo, she reconvenes with Lauren and they hoof it out of there.  Poor li’l Fitty – he was hoping P-Willi might split an Uber with him – 50-Sad!

50-Sad

Kandi has had her fill of airport KFC and the dipping sauces have run dry, she is ready to hear the best costume award and be in bed by 8!  Of course, 50-Cynt takes the prize and bids farewell to her alter-ego.  Cynthia has since turned 51, RIP 50-CYNT!

50-cynt-costume

As we wind up, we see the updates of each housewife to tide us over until the bloodbath reunion – 50-Cynt is still “getting to know” Will after nine months of dating.  Nene is still attempting her comedy, P-Willi has the acting bug and is continuing her pursuits, Kandi has an OLG food-truck in the works because she doesn’t have enough revenue streams, Kenya is still waffling with Question Marc about where to call “home”, and we learn that the “Man Cave” at the Château will be empty until 2022.  God’s speed, Prison-BAE!

See y’all next week for reunion roundup, part one!

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The Show Must Go On

It’s been a few weeks since we’ve checked in with our juicy peaches, and this episode feels like the sluggish holiday aftermath.  You know the one, that feeling you get from eating nothing but sugar and cured meats for two weeks…  Anyhoo, the main theme is the PSA on domestic violence and Kenya is in the driver’s seat.  SBS saunters in with her latest wiglette from the Wigs-n-Cigs dumpster fire collection.  Seriously, someone needs to burn this wig and terminate the stylist, STAT.

SBS Wig

SBS wants producer cred on this PSA, but Ms. Moore-Daly is about to slam on the brakes and eject SBS from the passenger seat.  She offers SBS an “intern” position and I half-hoped for another “who gon’ check ME BOO!” moment, but my hopes were dashed quicker than a blink of a false eyelash.

While these two iron out the details – not much else is really poppin’ in the ATL.  Nene is dressed as Mrs. Roper, circa 1978 and welcomes Marlo for a tiny bowl of chips and jarred salsa.  These two have buried the hatchet and drafted a brand spankin’ new BFFL contract.  Marlo is twisting Nene’s bun to get her to attend a tea party, whereby they will sit Porsha down and hash out the tension.  Nene is only willing to participate if Porsha eats some crow and admits fault.  Sorry Nene, a few li’l loopholes here – first, Porsha is baby vegan and will eat no crow, and secondly you are contractually obligated to attend this fake-make-up sesh and pull your 82 specialty faces.  See BFFL contract Article IV, section K (b) 3.  BLOOP!

bloop

Cynthia is cookin’ up a frozen Trader Joe meal in a pan and Noelle drops in to throw some shade about Cynthia being too old for spin class, and she looks genuinely astonished that Cynthia even knows how to turn on the stove.  Will calls while this exchange is taking place and Cynthia turns into a flustered school girl.  He tells her he’d love to come by for what she’s cookin’, but only if there’s some turkey in there and Cynthia immediately offers up the whole Thanksgiving turkey.  Cynthia – have we taught you nothing?!  What happened to playing the field, TITTY CENT??  More on that later…

Cynthia gets a text from Marlo to invite her to the tea and as she reads it aloud, Noelle delivers the best line in all of housewives franchise history EVA – “Mom, you’re so weird!”  WORD!

Kandi and Todd are at the OLG restaurant, floating around, talking to customers, pretending to care.  Basically all the restaurant staff is related to Kandi, including Block’s daughter from another mama and 13 cousins thrice removed.  The actual OLG’s arrive and they are ready to air some grievances.  Todd takes them to the side before Mama Joyce whips out her Wal-Mart Wedgie of Death and Destruction, although a reenactment of that scene might do wonders for bidness!  Mama Joyce leads the charge and I’m not kidding you, it takes her Paleolithic eons to get out the sentence stating they don’t like the location of the hostess stand.  Aunt Bertha clutches her purse to her chest in anticipation, “we gonna be all night.”  Bertha doesn’t like the cooks wearing dirty pants with their shirts hanging out and they want the hostesses in uniforms.  It’s cute that Kandi and Todd allow the OLG to think they have actual input.  Kandi summons the Bravo intern, who can correct all these issues in a tight 15.

Later we learn that the GM of the restaurant couldn’t hack working with the dysfunctional octogenarian set, and basically Don Juan and Todd are holding things together with prayers and chewing gum.  They interview a General Manager candidate, Aaron Buggs, who arrives dressed like Urkel.  Aaron is impressive and has done his homework.  He proceeds to give them a full statistical breakdown of their unsatisfactory Yelp reviews, they all nod and smile, but Don Juan wants to know if he can handle the “intense personalities” – this means you, OLG!  Aaron doesn’t “bugg” under pressure (see what I did there?), but Todd knows that Mama Joyce “ampin’ on someone” will be the true test.

Porsha and Rickey Smiley are sniffing each other like two Chihuahuas at a dog park.  ‘Nuff said.  Marlo calls Porsha to make sure she’s attending the tea party/ambush.  Porsha wouldn’t miss it for the world, she and Marlo bonded over boogers on San Fran trip!

SBS is hanging out at the Chateau, wearing her home-made deep V cutout Wal-Mart sweatshirt, dutifully writing out her grocery list.  Kandi drops by to stir up some shit for good measure, Nene said Tyrone is a con-artist.  Well… Phacts by Phaedra!  SBS refutes Nene and Gregg both have mug shots, so glass houses and all.  Not sure why we need this scene other than to see SBS gettin’ crafty with her wardrobe.

SBS sweatshirt

It’s the day of the big tea confrontation and Cynthia’s boob flies out of her dress, hence the “Titty Cent” moniker.  Cynthia immediately exclaims that the tea tastes like vodka and cranberry and I think “now we’re gettin’ somewhere”, but this confrontation really never has lift off.  I was ready for Nene to read Porsha for filth, but a 12 year old tween has taken over her body and all she can come up with is “you didn’t text me back, TWICE!”  The Bravo intern must have forgotten to lay out Nene’s Geritol, her heart just isn’t in it.  Nene gives her the half-assed IDGAF apology and the decide they won’t be friends, EVA.

Finally, it’s the PSA shoot day, and it’s tough to snark on the last 15 minutes of the episode.  Shamea and Cynthia’s mother share their stories and it’s an emotional day for all.  Cynthia gives her mother a kiss on the cheek and tells her she is so proud… oh this gives me ALL the feels…

Cynthia mom

Kenya is getting agitated at SBS being extremely late, but when she reaches her by phone, she finds out SBS was rear ended in a car accident.  SBS already has bulging discs, but she’s a trooper and makes it to the set to deliver her lines.  The show must go on!

Next week – women sit down with a medium, and I can only hope for an electronic cigarette, repeat of Allison DuBois, a la RHBH!  Wigs-n-Cigs returns to confront Nene.