Tasty Sides

It’s the typical, let’s try and smooth out some of these frayed edges, but set up something semi-explosive, penultimate episode.  There are a lot of things still under construction here, so let’s break it down!

Chateau Shereé is still under construction, but it looks like SBS has at least moved on to the outside of the house.  Kenya pops by in her Bentley, but SBS won’t let her past the gate.  Keyna laughs at the 80 bulldozers driving around on the grounds and hardly believes this shack will be move-in ready anytime soon.  SBS extends an invite to her housewarming and sends her neighbor back to the other side of the bog.

Later, SBS and her children are packing up her condo and SBS is astonished at the amount of half-empty liquor bottles in her kitchen cabinets.  Her kids are no help as she slings their belongings into boxes.  As SBS sits down to deflate the final air mattress, she reflects…lesson learned here, never depend on anyone for anything!  Somewhere, Crazy Eyed Bob is crying in a pool of his own sweat.

Cynthia is ready to touch up her edges and move on with her life.  The first 50 years, Cynthia Bailey lived to please others, but now it’s her turn, the next 50 years are all about her!  How long you plannin’ on livin’, guuuurrrl?  Kenya calls and delivers the news that Papa Smurf is in town and creepily driving by their former marital home.

It’s Phaedra’s “burfday” and her BFF, Porsha has planned a two-person party, and what doesn’t scream “LET’S GET TURNT ALL THE WAY UP” like a tray of cold cuts, champagne, and matching Frick and Frack onesies!

Phaedra snackin

These two jump around in their onesies and Phaedra gets “Porshafied”.  Porsha starts putting various wigs on Counselors head, sidebar:  the blonde bob looks surprisingly good on her.  They settle on a black beach wave and retire to the love seat to talk trash.  Phaedra had no intention on attending the OLG opening and her friendship contract with Kandi is officially null and void!

Frick Frack

The OLG restaurant is teetering on the precipice of the extremely soft-opening.  Kandi is taking a final look over Todd’s accomplishments, or lack thereof.  Todd is promising he will get to everything in the next 24 hours, including selecting uniforms, calling in the ultimate dusting crew, installing the A/C units, and creating a menu.  But wait, HOLD UP – the outdoor patio is set up with orange folding chairs instead of the decided-upon accent color yellow chairs of non-folding variety.  Turns out Todd made an executive decision, found a deal on the Halloween party section of overstock.com.

Let’s face it, the OLG restaurant is a ramshackle disaster.  They have dust that would rival Chateau Shereé, the wall art is still printing on the ink-jet, and the CO2 vendor just called and won’t have the canisters delivered until next year.  Kandi and Todd take five, never mind that he hasn’t showered in over a week, he assures her the restaurant will be ready!  She asks how far over budget they are and he reveals $100K over, but Kandi doesn’t even bat an eye ‘cuz she so dayum rich, however she’s ready to burn down the whole operation over those orange folding chairs!

The day of the opening, Todd picks up Papa Smurf at the airport and they conveniently receive a call from inmate, Apollo, the fungus we never knew we wanted.  He wishes he could be there, but he will send his new prison pen-pal beyotch for support by proxy.  Peter asks how he already has a new woman, Apollo retorts, “sometimes you gotta upgrade” – yeah, I guess, if an “upgrade” is a woman who is willing to accept side-piece status as your mugshot is being splashed across the world wide web.  During same three-minute phone call, Apollo drops the news that his divorce isn’t official yet.  This isn’t really earth-shattering, but it casts shade over Counselor Parks, lying again about her status.

Smurf driving around

The pressure is on, Todd has about 30 minions scurrying around hanging pictures, sweeping, and breaking brand new glassware.  This place is literally held together with prayers and chewing gum.  The guests start to arrive and I caught a close up of the specialized drink menu, I think the “Mama Joyce Sour Wedge” is sure to be a best-seller!

We have a series of hella awkward events, Papa Smurf strolling in, Todd making Kandi sing a verse of “I Fly Above” without music, and of course Phaedra’s marked absence.  Perhaps the most awkward moment of the night goes to Apollo’s new girlfriend, Sherien, she walks in and of course Todd and Peter are stationed at a table by the door.  They make their introductions and Todd asks how they met.  She and Phaedra do have one thing in common, giving vague, non-committal answers.  “We found love, leave it at that!”

Todd takes Sherien over to the ladies, who are sitting in a private room, and he introduces her as the “soon to be Mrs. Nida, who is ready to knock your Spanx off”.  Sherien reveals that she had known Apollo for many years and “wifey wasn’t around, so I was”.  Kenya cackles at this news, especially considering the Counselor spewed her seven-year old vitriol on her in Maui.

Sherein

Conveniently, Sherien gets a prison call from Apollo and Kandi’s face indicates she is feeling increasingly uncomfortable.  Apollo makes sure to blurt out that his divorce isn’t final and everyone pretends to be stunned at this unsettling turn of events.  Kandi sets Apollo straight and feels this is “messy”, she makes it clear that she had no idea that Sherien was in the picture.  Sherien waltzes out, as if to say “my pot-stirring work here is done!”Convenient

Next week on the finale, the lawsuit against Kandi escalates and Kandi confronts Phaedra about it, the return of Block, Chateau Shereé is finally open for bidness, but Kenya susses out an unfinished wing of the Chateau, and the return of Wigs-n-Cigs.

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Baby-Nope

Cynthia is prepping for another Cargo fashion show.  Momager SBS, and her soon to be compensated if it kills her son, Kairo, show up to rehearse modeling backpacks, and like walking and stuff.  Kairo has never runway walked, and saying his strut leaves a little to be desired is an understatement.  Let’s start by trying walking in a straight line, shall we?  SBS starts her shit again about compensation after Cynthia has already given her a HARD NO for the tenth time!

The day of the actual fashion show, Kairo is MIA and Cynthia phones momager only to receive some triflin’ excuses about being stuck in traffic.  He strolls in 45 minutes before show time, but Cynthia had to hock her backbone in order to pay the venue rent and she lets the unprofesh behavior slide.  SBS can’t stop bitching about the venue, it’s underground, she hears water and thinks they are all going to drown in raw sewage, and where is the air conditioning?!?!  The only sewage in this venue is the BS coming out of SBS’ mouth.  Can we get a NY Housewives crossover here?  Where is Bethany when you need her?Bethany shut up.gif

Frikkin’ Bob Crazy Eyes is schvitzing like a farm animal.  Despite the chaos, the li’l rinky dink fashion show comes off without a hitch.  Kairo has the “dead in the eyes, walking around shirtless with my backpack” model face down pat.  Pump your brakes, boy, there will be NO COMPENSATION!

Crazy eye sweating

Meanwhile, across town, Porsha is downloading the latest Baby-Nup template from Microsoft.  She gets Counselor Parks on the horn to run it by her, but alas, her BFF thinks she is balls on nuts crazy.  Porsha needs a baby like Phaedra needs a psychotic ex-huzzband chasing her around the garage while wielding a live power drill.  Besides, baby daddies are just “so yesterday!”  Porsha urges the Counselor to have an open mind, but Counselor Parks gives her the best dayum advice anyone could, “Close your legs to fake TV boyfriends, guuuurrrl!  Okay, when Counselor Parks is the unlikely voice of reason, honey you know your shit is f*cked up!  Porsha won’t listen, so Counselor Parks takes a stronger approach, she shares a cautionary tale of a “hot dog bun vagina”.  It will be so big, “like having a cookout in your pants.”  Porsha thinks she must be playin’ and gets Phaedra to agree to look over the document, but Phaedra fakes some interference on the phone and then drops the call.

Later, Porsha springs the 52-page agreement on Todd and hopes he will check the boxes and sign away his sperm, his Twitter and Instagram rights, and all future paychecks.  Todd must have a loose moth in his closet, he has holes all over his shirt.  And you wanna be her baby daddy?  He thumbs through the agreement and snaps, calling it EXTORTION!  The joy from staring at her bosom has drained from his face, this is a one-sided agreement that only benefits Porsha.  She tries to dissuade him by stating he can red-line the agreement and get back to her.  He won’t look her in the eye and it seems to be a deal breaker.  I think this fake TV relationship is over.  Burn it down with the friend contract.

Kandi and Baby Ace pop in for a visit with Mama Joyce and the OLG.  Todd is still workin’ away at the restaurant and it’s sorta coming together, they may open by 2029 if they can make good time, but don’t expect any profits, anytime soon, or ever.  The OLG inquires about the Hawaii trip and they joke about not being invited “cause we would eat them HO’s alive”.  Now there’s a Bravo producer mandated group trip from hell that I can get behind.  As they start to get their grub on, I cannot help but wonder why in the hell they are eating out of Styrofoam to go containers.  Dayum Kandi, withdraw some of that “No Scrubs” cash, get down to the Costco, and buy yo’ mama some descent Chinet compartment plates!

Phaedra pops over to the lake house to visit Cynthia and she looks like she fell ass backward into the clearance bin at Forever 21.  Someone get this woman a stylist and a mirror, STAT!

Phaedra outfit 2

They take a seat on the sectional, which Cynthia reveals she purchased from Kenya.  Phaedra hits the deck, Matt has likely planted a tracking device and may show up and bust out all the windows at any given moment.  They get down to the divorce talk and Cynthia asks her if the rumor is true, is the divorce from Apollo final?  Counselor Parks is clearly irked that her BFF, Porsha, leaked the news.  Cynthia wanted to be in the know, so they could share the experience and swap divorce and coupon clipping tips.  Phaedra claims her divorce is final…OR IS IT?  Insert dramatic DUN DUN DUN here!

DUN DUN DUN

Phaedra felt that Kenya’s divorce party theme was insensitive and evil.  Cynthia pushes her to forgive, it was supposed to be a fun li’l shindig where they cut up and ate penis cake.  Let’s not forget kissin’ dicks on the wall!  Lesson learned, don’t threaten Phaedra with a good time!

In other Phaedra, I wear my clothing seven sizes too small, news…she takes Kandi’s former assistant, Johnnie and his chin scratch, to meet with a leading employment attorney.  If Kandi and Phaedra ever had a chance to be friends again, that hope was single-handedly dashed in this scene right here.  Johnnie discusses his potential case regarding COMPENSATION and for Kandi ripping off his rando thoughts like “open a restaurant themed after your surly aunts” or “write a play based on Kandi’s life”.  This whole scene is off, like an after-school special gone horribly awry.

Johnnie attorney

As we wrap up this lackluster episode, Kenya takes her dogs shopping for their birthday and invites Matt since he’s the puppy daddy.  Dayum, should’ve downloaded that puppy-nup template!  Matt sits Kenya down to discuss their relationship and all the ways Kenya has done him wrong.  She ain’t havin’ it and walks out, but production is quick on their feet and they chase them out into the stairwell.  Matt becomes unhinged and tells her she will be single and miserable and he’ll be in jail.  He brings up some sort of illicit friends with benefits breakup sex, which allegedly took place in his truck, but she doesn’t really acknowledge it.  He has a complete breakdown, which is difficult to watch.  She finally tells him that she is sorry she hurt him, but they are over.  I cannot even begin to unpack what is going on here, but they need to wagon him off in the rejection SUV, equipped with the Bravo psychotherapist and some sedatives!

kenya comfort matt

Next week, Frick and Frack have a pajama party for Phaedra’s birthday, the OLG restaurant is open for friends and family bidness, and will the future Mrs. Nida please stand up?!?!

Good Fried Chicken Don’t Pay Da’ Bills

We are back at the scene of the bomb threat and Phaedra makes her way into her office taking elf sized steps because her spanx are too tight.  There are about four painfully evident staged extras posing as paparazzi outside the elevator.  Phaedra hand picks one of the paparazzi to enter the office and be honored with the true scoop, which turns out to be a whole lotta nuthin’!  The man enters, wearing a hat that reads, “I Pledge to Hustle”.  We learn that the man who threatened the office with a bomb is a ‘90’s rapper named “Drama” and he is a former client and good friend of Phaedra’s for over 20 years.  He did some prison time and apparently looks crazier than a bed bug, he entered the wrong law office and announced he was “dropping of some bomb new music” and apparently, the conservative white people got it twisted.  What kind of f*ckery is this?  Racial profiling at the receptionist’s desk, that’s what!  Or so Counselor Parks believes, so she decides to hold a summit to discuss preventative security and how they can teach the office staff to brush up on their Urban Dictionary vocab so they may decipher the difference between “bomb lyrics” and an actual “bomb”.

Over at Moore Manor, Cynthia drops by to admire the disposable furniture and the untouched Gucci cake from Matt’s birthday.  Cynthia confused – why baby Matt no eat his cake?  Kenya explains how Matt hulked out over her throwback Thursday photo with Jay-Z.  Cynthia gives her some incoherent speech about how Papa Smurf went on Wendy Williams to air their dirty divorce laundry, Kenya needs a strong man who has the upper body strength to carry her crown, and well overall it’s not all rainbows and panda bears and Kenya needs to think about how she can do better to improve the relationship.  What in the fresh hell is this untoward advice?  Better advice would have been “drink a pint of Tequila Rose and find some stooge on Tinder”.  Kenya starts tearing up because she is at a fork in the road, I say pick up the fork and eat the cake before that fondant goes stale!

Later, Cynthia visits her divorce attorney and finds out they can proceed rather quickly and she will receive a divorce certificate – oh Cynthia and her love of formalized paperwork!  They each check the box saying they can go be happy and marry other people, they each receive a laminated copy bound in a genuine Corinthian leather folio, and hopefully move on with their lives.

The OLG Restaurant is still a slapdash shit show and Todd is bee-bopping around the restaurant shell talking to himself, when he really should be hitting leg day at the gym to pump up those Tweety Bird legs!  OHMYLANTA…he is wearing a backpack, LOOK ALIVE KANDI!  This is how it all started with Apollo and his backpack o’ scumf*ckery.  Kandi and her “I dream of Jeannie” hair piece can only fixate on the liquor license, which is about to expire in 45 days if the restaurant isn’t finished!

kandi-worried

Speaking of 45-day time frames, Porsha needs to be out of her current rental home in 45 days, which she thinks “is like three weeks, right?”  Thank God for her sister Lauren, she is there to guide her out of the underground railroad of stupidity and into the kitchen to start packing her shit.  Porsha sits Lauren and her mother’s camel toe down in the living room for a serious chat – the real motivation behind moving into a larger home is her plan to receive her ex-Todd’s seed and start the family she always wanted.  Porsha reminisces that Todd’s last name is also Stewart and he had sent her a text years ago, on her wedding day, pointing out that she was “marrying the wrong Stewart”.  Oh Todd, you should’ve gone all “Benjamin Braddock” on her and stopped the wedding!  Oh wait, these millennials full o’ fluff are too young to remember “The Graduate”.

benjamin-braddock

In other news, is it just me or does Mama Joyce need some serious meds?  She saunters over to Randy Kessler’s office wearing a pathetic excuse for a disguise and poses as if she is seeking legal advice “for a friend”.  Yeah Mama – you’re about as subtle as Kenya’s knockers in her Forever 21 clearance rack outfits.  Mama grills Kessler about her “hypothetically incarcerated man, divorce, how long, etc.” questions and he gives her a standard legal answer about as clear as Georgia mud, yes if incarcerated, no if less than a year, yes if more than five years, but not for a qualifying misdemeanor, third felony maybe, but hypothetically speaking if he earns more than $500 a week for twerking, overall likelihood is no, yes, well probably they could divorce rather swiftly, but not if his prison uniform is orange.  If he is assigned a blue DOC jumpsuit, then he can appeal the divorce and get divorced in seven years without any paperwork, but he will never see his backpack of tomfoolery again.

Mama clearly has nothing to do with her life.  Jeez lady, take a pottery class, learn how to knit, watch Judge Judy…anything but this.  Mama tells the camera, “I wouldn’t piss in yo’ mouth if yo’ guts was on fire!”  Dayum Mama, that is just unbecoming.  Furthermore, I have now become entirely mortified that I am actually using brain cells to figure out her disguise choice, much less her warped psyche.

Kandi decides she needs to start testing the OLG recipes with the new chef, which consists of fried chicken and mac-n-cheese.  If these are the heavy hitting recipes – including banana mush in an over-sized wine glass served with canned whipped cream, then I truly fear for the success of this restaurant venture.  Kandi decides to hold the tasting at a culinary school since the restaurant isn’t finished and, well who wants a li’l asbestos sprinkled on their mac-n-cheese?  Not I said the OLG.  The OLG’s arrive wearing their support hose, ready to taste food and be despondent for the camera.  Kandi has invited her cast mates and Mama Joyce starts salivating at the thought of giving Phaedra a taste, Mama Joyce hood rat style.  Kandi senses Mama’s hunger and warns her to lay off of Phaedra and to not use the word “bomb”, “fuse”, “lit” or otherwise!

Kenya comes boppin’ in and her knockers are having an explosion of their own, over the top of her undersized outfit, they are just too much.  Anyhoo, She by Shereé (SBS) sits next to Mama Joyce and pounces on her own opportunity to stir up the shit pot and informs Mama that Kenya threw shade on her wiglette hairstyle, Mama shoots a harmless stink eye, but let’s Kenya off the hook.  Mama is too focused on Phaedra’s arrival, as soon as she walks in, she takes Phaedra’s hands and acts as if she is trying to comfort her.  There are not enough prayer cloths in all of the ATL to save Phaedra now…oh wait, sensing the dis-comfort, Kandi pulls Mama away and Phaedra gets the zinger of the night, “thank God she kept her shoes on!”

mama-joyce-stink-eye

Phaedra takes several seats and explains what happened with the alleged bomb threat.  Mama Joyce said that she heard that the guy was tired of being messed around and wanted to blow Phaedra the f*ck up.  Phaedra sloughs it off, drops a “Homeland Security” on her, and BAM…Mama Joyce is now on a watch list somewhere in D.C.  Phaedra explained that her office is conservative and this was all a result of racial profiling, but her former BFF, Kandi, calls bullshit and thinks Phaedra is Phakin’.

So with that shit put to rest, SBS asks Kandi what’s going on with Block and asks Porsha if Block talked about Riley while they were dating.  Oh SBS, you wily Mama Joyce wiglette wearin’ minx.  Porsha is getting her money’s worth out of the anger management sessions, she counts to 10 and keeps her cool.  She and Kandi squash it like a road lizard and move on.  Besides, Porsha dated Block, like…ages ago…it’s been at least 45 days!

For the final drama of the night, Kenya is dealing with a bomb of her own, apparently Matt vandalized Moore Manor in the middle of the night by kicking in a window on her garage like a swift, effective, killing machine.  Yeah, bummer…that IKEA grade glass is thin.  Kenya doesn’t know what to do, so she rings her resident relationship expert Cynthia Bailey.  Cynthia tells her to kick him to the curb, but Kenya wants this relationship to work so badly she cannot accept the direction given.  Her mind is ablaze with indecision, so she comes up with a better idea to consult a producer who job it is to facilitate pointless drama.  Kenya defends Matt, she really loves him and her success is f*ckin’ him up.  While this all occurs, we watch her two teacup terriers wrestle and play on the floor, which is the cutest thing I’ve seen this whole hour, but also symbolic of Kenya’s struggle.

Kenya calls Matt and summons him to Moore Manor for an in-person chat about their hot mess of a relationship.  He shows up looking like he smells of hot dog water and rage.  The fuse on his tampon is lit up the moment he sees the camera crew lurking.  It seems Matt doesn’t want their relationship on camera, so I would reckon he stay off the show and they keep their shit private.  Nothing some creative pixelation and a few modesty boxes won’t fix…BAM, crisis averted.  However, they start fighting and he calls her disrespectful, claiming she talks to him like “a farm animal on the daily” – she is “manipulative and fundamentally deceptive”.  I’m pretty sure he has those words tattooed somewhere on his body.  They exchange a few more heated words and he squeals out of the uncured driveway.  YOU IN DANGER, GIRRRL!

kenya-yell-at-matt

Next week – Family feuds and Kandi and Phaedra have it out.

School of Read

She by Shereé is still keepin’ it real where we left off and Kim is ready to cut a beyotch with her mouth, meaning she may spew some cutting words that only become part of her vocabulary when she is fully possessed by the real housewives mutant demon of death.  The latest rumor is that Chris is “fruity or gay”, as if they are all in 7th grade trying to win a spot at “cool girls” lunch table by having the juiciest gossip of the day.  Everyone is bailing out of the shit pot, acting as if they weren’t fervently gossiping about this the night before.  She by Shereé, Phaedra, and Porsha admit that they Googled Chris and read the words “fruity husband.”  Kenya jumps in, “we don’t care if he’s gay or if you guys having tax problems.”  Wait…what the wha???  Where did this “tax problem” thing come into play and why can’t Kenya say anything without throwing a backhanded shady curveball?!?!  Cynthia and Nene go on record that they defended Chris and Kim and wanted no part of this ugly conversation.  Kim pulls her “go to” move and leaves saying she has to get to bed because she has an early morning.  Like the last kid chosen for the dodge ball team, Kenya is left sinking in the shit pot by herself.

Kim - WTF

The next day, Nene, Kim, and Phaedra have breakfast and the two veteran housewives attempt to guide Kim toward a bully beat down and suggest she de-pants Kenya at recess.  However, the only one who really needs a good dressing down is Phaedra!  She looks like she should be twirling a baton and doing high kicks in a 4th of July parade!  Phaedra redeems herself by giving some solid advice and doing a spot-on impression of Kenya.  She advises Kim to chop the snake off at the head and say something to Kenya like “Listen honey, I am Baby Butterworth.  I came out the womb actin’ honey, but you came out actin’ a foo!”  Now there’s a solid insult.  Read school is in session and Nene plays the role of Kim, being calm and dismissive.  Phaedra takes the role of Keyonce… “I’ve been in two movies that went straight to blockbuster!”, then she starts twirling in her red, white, and, blue frock so fast that she may turn into Wonder Woman.

Phaedra Twirling

They all get a big cackle out of it, but Kim finds solace in her bible and prayer cloth, her elevator doesn’t go down to that level.

Meanwhile, Back in ATL, Kandi and Todd visit a European Hookah lounge to meet with the chef and try some of his cooking in hopes that he will be a candidate for their ill-fated OLG restaurant idea.  The OLG is on board, except for Aunt Bertha.  However, what Aunt Bertha is on board for is strolling into the empty Hookah lounge and shouting into the air at no one in particular, “I need a rum-n-coke!”  The chef serves the group various items including deviled eggs, French toast and chicken, salmon, ribs, etc.  Aunt Bertha fusses over everything, except the ribs.  Bertha throws some serious side-eye, still no sign of that rum-n-coke.  Nothing much more to side-eye see here, the gang decides they are moving forward, but plan to interview a few more chefs so that Kandi can get more of her chicken and waffle on.  Hopefully next time with some dippin’ sauce.

Aunt Bertha

Back in Jamaica, the gang is heading off to Dunn’s River Falls for the day.  But first, Kim must phone her hubby to refresh and nurture her “beautiful, uninfected spirit”.  She fills Chris in on the “fruity or gay” rumors and “folks jumpin’ on Google to determine if he was straight or not.”  Chris takes this as a compliment, rule #147 in life “if they Google you, they are shook!”  They have a good laugh and are grateful that they are the only ones in the cast who haven’t been thrown into Saturday detention.

At the waterfalls, everyone straps on their waterfall climbing shoes, but the women are all bitching that the water is too cold.  Porsha decides to crawl because it’s so slippery and she doesn’t want to perform the impromptu splits and blow the seam of her Fabletics spandex pants wide open with that corn fed ass.  Kenya and Matt, insisting on being the stars of gym class, scale their way to the top first and act as if they have won the Amazing Race or some shit.  It ends up alienating them further as everyone else uses the opportunity to bond and help one another up the falls.

Porsha - twerk on falls

After they complete their mission, Peter announces they are going to a Jamaican Jerk Chicken joint for dinner, that serves amazing chicken and allows the patrons to smoke fat joints.  At that thought, Gregg gets a burst of energy and he is ready to run to the chicken joint faster than Kandi wolfed down that French toast and chicken dish.  Once at dinner, the women and men separate.  Peter fires up a fat ass blunt and orders round after round of shots for the men, they start talking all kinds of nonsense and we get a drunken admission that Matt “loves Kenya” and Oliver isn’t sure if he can handle all of Porsha’s big bouncin’ ass.

At the mean girls table, Nene broaches the conversation about the Kim/Kenya feud and she invites Kim to put the bible down and put some stank on it.  Kim says her problem is that Kenya has crossed a line of disrespect, which won’t be tolerated.  Kenya, once again, cannot find it in herself to be civil and starts out being condescending, “congratulations on speaking for yourself”… Cynthia tries to interrupt Kenya, but gets a dodgeball straight to the kisser.  Kenya tells Kim that she is indifferent to her and they are simply at an impasse.  Kim feels there should be some level of respect that is “just basic”.  Cynthia reminds Kenya how she rudely pulled out Kim’s chair at their three-way “why don’t I get to direct the ‘mercial meeting”, which caused things to escalate quickly and turn physical.  Cynthia feels that Kenya owes Kim an apology, and then, like a Unicorn on roller skates, Kenya delivers an apology for moving Kim’s chair.  Kim is ready to move her own chair, she accepts the apology for now and quickly exits stage left, she has an early morning Algebra quiz.

Cynthia, her Mickey Mouse statement necklace, Nene, and She by Shereé make a pit stop back at the hotel to have some dessert and Cynthia can’t stop giggling about the dark chocolate balls.  Cynthia thinks Nene has transcended into “Iyanla Fix My Life level” and she wishes to consult her about confronting Kenya about her unsupportive behavior during the ‘Mercial shoot.

It’s the last night in Jamaica and Peter sets up a nice party for everyone and shows up wearing his best Papa Smurf blue suit.  After several cocktails and a twerk-off between the fire dancers and Phaedra and Porsha, they all take their seats for dinner.  Peter delivers a speech about how great the trip has been and he and Cynthia have their spark back.  She by Shereé even admits that the trip has been great and has brought her and Bob closer to reconciliation.  Sure, everyone can get along famously while lounging in tropical paradise on Bravo’s dime!

Peter Blue Suit

Peter reveals that Matt used the word “love” when discussing Kenya and Matt actually owns up to it.  He must have gotten an extra credit from Bravo.  Cynthia asks Kim when she will have some footage of the ‘Mercial, which segues into Cynthia voicing her concern over Kenya’s paddling out to Cuba rather than being supportive on the set.  Kenya says her feelings were hurt because she had two great concepts for Cynthia and she wouldn’t even hear her out.  You dumb beyotch, how about showing up to the scheduled pitch meeting if you are so hell-bent on being heard out?  Cynthia notes that she actually wanted Kenya to be in the commercial, but Kenya scoffs and thinks that changed after Nene returned.  Nene takes umbrage with that and reiterates that she has nothing to do with their rift.  Already having her name on the chalkboard and not wanting any check marks next to it, Kenya actually apologizes to Cynthia for letting her down.  Cynthia accepts the apology and thinks it’s genuine, but Phaedra feels that Kenya is just doing more bad acting!

Well that was a real showdown letdown… We are off next week due to the Oscars, so see you next time.  A lingerie photo shoot, finalizing the ‘Mercial footage, and Phaedra takes the boys to see Apollo.

The Bloop is Back

I’m not sure what’s going on with the ATL here, but I am finding this crew to be about as entertaining as watching paint dry.  Half the cast spends hours packing their things so that they can go drag their toddlers all over Washington D.C. and attend the Million Man March for like…a hot second…annnnnd the other half is just full of ill-conceived outfits and ideas.

The only person worth mentioning here is Ayden, who is very concerned about how he will fit the entire contents of his toy chest into his Louis Vuitton suitcase and still have enough room for his suit, bowtie, and a sensible pair of shoes.  Since Phaedra is on camera, she accepts the incoming call from inmate Apollo Nida.  He has a nice father/son talk with Ayden and tries to offer some discipline from prison to encourage his boy to behave at school.

Across town, Moore Manor is not coming along.  Kenya is supervising some dude drilling in screws and Cynthia arrives in a yellow hard hat and her best olive green gown she scavenged from her Mrs. Roper Collection.  She creeps up the rickety steps in her olive drab ballet flats, and Kenya admits the construction is behind.  Cynthia sees an air mattress and a hot plate in Kenya’s future.  Kenya gives her the scoop on “Kenya’s family reunion” and Kenya is now closer with her father than ever before, but the kamikaze visit to her deadbeat mom’s house did not go so well.  Cynthia understood Kenya’s attempt at gaining some closure and she heaps out a lovin’ ladle o’ sympathy for her BFFL.

Later, Kenya is confronted by her Aunt Lori, but the conversation doesn’t begin without a healthy goblet o’ wine that looks like it has fermented a century too long.  Aunt Lori is upset about being put in the middle of Kenya and her own sister, she tells Kenya that enough is enough, to let it go.  Kenya explains that she won’t stand to live her life, as if there is an elephant in the room and she couldn’t stand how her mother was around her at family functions, but pretended she didn’t exist.  Annnnnd here we thought deadbeat mom was just absent…turns out she was actively snubbing her own daughter in person for years!  Aunt Lori explains that the family did confront Patricia, but to no avail.  Kenya admits she did get some closure by pounding on the unanswered door, they all calm down and hug it out.

In D.C., we see that Phaedra has a small village accompanying her – hair and makeup, stylist, nanny, trainer, nutritionist, and psychic.  Kim however, has an iPad and some Jeri Curl and won’t be ready to board the party bus to Capital Hill anytime soon.  Phaedra has her cast mates in tow, including Porsha and She by Shereé, but they call Kim and find out she still hasn’t gotten dressed yet and her boys are playing with Legos and are covered in cheeze doodle dust.  Ayden announces into the phone “over and out!”  This kid really needs his own show.

Phaedra meets with Congresswoman Frederica Wilson, whom she lovingly dubs, “Flaming Uncle Sam”.  The Congresswoman wears a flaming red sequined cowboy hat that she obtained from the Cynthia Bailey Independence Day Collection and she looks like she should be emceeing Bingo at Hamburger Mary’s.  Congresswoman is thrilled to meet “Toot Toot”, a.k.a. Kim Fields, who I am sure loved being referred to with a slang word for flatulence.  Meanwhile, Porsha hears “toot toot” and is looking around for the Underground Railroad train.

Senator

The ladies sit down and the congresswoman begins talking about how African American boys are stereotyped.  Kim gave congresswoman the “church finger” and she hauled her children out to have a “Come to Jesus talk” because the conversation was not suitable for her boys.  Phaedra, however, doesn’t have the “luxury of sugar coating reality for her sons.”  Counselor Parks does have a point, with their father incarcerated and having it all documented on national television, those boys have already had a hard dose of reality.

Church Finger

The next day, Phaedra drags everyone to a formal sit-down lunch at the Congressional Black Caucus and the boys ain’t havin’ it.  Ayden is already irritated, “They don’t even know what I like…I’m totally eating at the hotel!”  Kim has to step out again because her children are fussy.  She by Shereé checks on Kim and insinuates that Kim is being disrespectful to the hosts.  Kim doesn’t feel it’s disrespectful to care for her children, annnnnd a storm is a’ brewin’.

Kim smartly scheduled a charity event, so she gets to cut out early and skip the actual Million Man March.  She by Shereé’s 19 year old son shows up, he is tall and handsome, he looks like he would smell like musk, determination, and Trident Minty Sweet Twist.  Porsha is wearing her best Skype outfit and she is drooling like a baby on a pacifier.  Leave it to Counselor Parks to point out that he is “legal”, but leave it to She by Shereé to Check Her BOO!  “Legal for WHAT?” she snaps!  At the actual March, it’s Porsha who needs a nanny.  Thank goodness Phaedra’s team is prepared, they hand Porsha a fun size bag o’ Cheez-Itz and an Underground Railroad coloring book.

Meanwhile, back in the ATL, Kandi and Todd arrive at the gathering of the “Ol’ Lady Gang” for the family dinner.  The plan is to butter ‘em up like hot biscuits and get them sold on the restaurant idea.  Mama Joyce welcomes Todd with a big hug, but her motives are clear…she is behaving because she wants to be kidnap Baby Tucker.

Todd has a solid bidness plan…Kandi has a book of recipes, red Solo cups and dixie flatware are cheap, so why not open a restaurant!  Mama Joyce goes stone faced and Aunt Bertha gives an “Aw hell naw”.  They talk about it a bit more, confirming that the OLG’s don’t have to work in the restaurant, they just have to lend their likenesses to the signage.

OLG Poster

Cynthia and Papa Smurf are prepping for a special guest, Cynthia’s long lost BFFL from another life… none other than NENE!  Cynthia is acting nervous as if she were prepping for a first date.  Nene rolls up in her Maserati and the illest-fitting outfit I have seen since the shredded cover ups worn by Phaedra and Porsha in Miami.  Nene saunters into the kitchen, buttons and cut-outs puckering, and hubby Gregg trails behind.  Gregg actually looks pretty good, as if he has lost weight.  Nene must still be keeping him locked in the basement on a steady diet of water and wonder bread balls.

Nene and Cynthia review their fall out, being hurt, etc., and THEN…Cynthia makes a major faux pas and calls Kenya “her girl.”  Nene feels “somekindaway” about that and Cynthia immediately downshifts into Stepford mode and backpeddles, saying nobody compares to Nene!  Ahhhh, some things never change!  Nene is excited about meeting “Rudy”, no “Tootie”… and I am sure Kim will be thrilled to meet another overblown drama queen who can’t discern her from the little girl character on the Cosby Show.  Cynthia mentions that Kandi is pregnant and Nene makes some side comment about feeling pregnant because she hasn’t pooped in three days!?!?  WTH?  Get that woman some Ex Lax and return that outfit to Johnny Weir…STAT!

Nene - shes back

Next week, Kenya flirts with her handyman, Cynthia attempts to make an eyewear commercial, and Phaedra considers taking the boys to visit Apollo in prison.  Kim holds a brunch, requiring the ladies to wear minimal makeup, which sends Kenya twirling.

Cabbage and Beef

This week it’s all about squashing the beef with added filler.  Let’s start with Kandi and Mama Joyce who get together with the Ol’ Lady Gang (OLG) over some fried chicken-n-biscuits to celebrate the closing on Mama’s new home that Kandi paid for.  Mama refuses to give Kandi a key because, well…Mama is bitter, she has to “ring four bells” before she can gain entry to Kandi’s McMansion.  Mama is so short sighted, Kandi should have a key in the event Mama has fallen and can’t get up.  Oh and that pesky li’l detail…SHE PAID FOR THE HOME.  The OLG offers a counter point, Todd might choose to be “walkin’ ‘round nekkid” in his own marital home, and therefore Mama cannot have a key.  Besides, who in the hell would be walkin’ ‘round nekkid in Mama’s home???  Kandi murmurs while sputtering some chicken skin out of her mouth, “you know Bennie gonna be right there.”  Yeah, playing “Whack-a-Mole” in the new bathrooms?  Aunt Bertha, voice of reason, pleads – “Let’s eat before you all start discussing ‘bout the keys, and the men’s, and the walking nekkid!”  Amen… Aunt Bertha is my new spirit animal.  Kandi decides to reveal a “key” piece of information to the OLG…Todd’s mother, Sharon, wants an apology or she will be serving up a knuckle sandwich with a side of red beans-n-rice.  Aunt Bertha says “bring it, she better come correct!”  Mama Joyce adds this li’l nugget, “she better not come like no cabbage!”  Aunt Bertha clarifies the statement, it means “Don’t come with all head and no ASS!”

Later, Kandi summons Todd into her office and has him take a seat in the hot pink pleather chair of torture.  First off, she is not happy with the floundering ticket sales for “A Mother’s Love”, which is on tour in 26 cities.  Then we get to the real meat of this meeting, Mama Joyce has no intention of apologizing to Sharon, EVA.  Todd gives the routine Bravo househusband “at the end of the day” speech and concludes that they will do holidays separately if the two Mama’s are gonna be “showin’ out.”  Kandi doesn’t like his solution, she gives him a “Girl, BYE”, and walks away to avoid a potentially marriage-crushing issue the argument.

Meanwhile, across town, Nene stops at a restaurant to throw shade and meet “a girl with a lotta weave in her hair”, which is how she is describing her latest lap dog, Porsha.  These two have a meeting of the mind (singular) to rehash the Nene/Cynthia battle.  Nene is still sporting her straw, bowl-cut, hair system, which tells me her judgment is seriously impaired.  At the end of the day… Nene will arrange a kiki for the girls to get together for a good ol’ fashioned meow down and wig burning.

Cynthia drags Claudia to the “J Spot” so that Derek can perform a makeover because she feels Claudia needs to put forth more of an effort.  Claudia takes the “constructive criticism” in stride as Derek pretends to curl her hair, they gossip about Demetria’s epic fail of a party, and Derek J reveals that he bolted after five minutes of the party to go find a chicken wang.  The name Roger Bobb pops up again in this scene at least five times and of course none of these chuckleheads are aware that he was in a relationship.  Saved by the bell, Cynthia receives an ominous text from Nene “bring your girl, Kenya, for drinks and girl talk”.

Kenya and her friend Brandon meet with a realtor to look at some office space because since her fake meeting with Roger Bobb, she is going to need a fake space for herself and her two fake assistants.  They find a space big enough for Brandon to install his bunk beds and disco balls.  Cynthia calls Kenya in the midst of the real estate tour to invite Kenya to the pow wow with Nene.  Kenya knows a set up when she smells it and will be good and lotioned up for this event!

Claudia gets together with her mother (Teresa) and her grandmother (Lillian).  They have just arrived in the ATL and Lillian is ready to roll a smoke.  Claudia takes them out for a little ATL culture at “Lips”, a drag queen restaurant.  They discuss Claudia’s private life, having a baby without a husband, and how Teresa never said “I love you” to Claudia.  This Mama takes a page from Phaedra’s book of “love is a verb” and says “actions speak louder than words”.  They receive their fruity drinks from the drag queen and toast to Claudia finding a baby daddy, Lillian says “be careful because I heard these Atlanta men are slick!”  Lillian is my new spirit animal.

Claudia-Mamas

Not much on Phaedra this week, she briefed her mother, Pastor Regina, on the awfulness that is Apollo Nida and concludes that he should have married a hillbilly if he can’t handle the fact that Phaedra is a bad-ass BOSS.  Later, to reinforce that Apollo is MIA and Phaedra is holding down the fort with her seven nannies, Phaedra assists her boys in brushing their teeth and reading bedtime stories.  Ayden calls his brother to bed for story time, hearing him say “Mr. President, come here, we need you!” is EVERYTHANG!

Phaedra-Boys

Nene selects the very apropos “Arena Tavern” for the fight card this evening.  Nene informs her lackey, Porsha, that Kenya will be attending and they must have a conversation and apologize to each other.  Porsha looks like someone just threw up in her Chanel bag.  Cynthia and Kenya arrive and Nene orders a round of drinks so they can all get a little “punch drunk” first.  We start with the undercard, Nene vs. Cynthia – DING DING DING…Nene is still reeling from their prior discussion, Kenya keeps butting in trying to guide an apology that will never happen, Porsha and Kenya leave the ring.  WHOA…Cynthia offers an apology for blindsiding Nene and asks for an apology back, but no cigar.  Nene needs time to process all of this and suggests they have a re-match in two years.

We have another undercard tonight, Cynthia vs. Porsha – they bicker about Porsha being late.  Nene doesn’t give a shit, she wants to hear the sound of vodka being poured over the rocks.  Kenya and Nene return, looking like they did a shot or five at the bar.  Kenya starts yelling to Cynthia and interrupting, and Porsha calls her “rude as a motherf*cker!”  This one is a draw.

Porsha-Rude

On to the main event, Kenya vs. Porsha – the crowd chants to Porsha “APOLOGIZE… APOLOGIZE”, but no go.  All she does is acknowledge that she made a “choice”, just like one makes a “choice” to buy grasshopper cookies at the grocery store when they already have a case of thin mints at home in the freezer.  Kenya walks over, she gets Porsha against the ropes, we expect a TKO, but instead offers an unprecedented firm hug to the breadbasket!  She offers to take responsibility for her part of what happened.  Porsha doesn’t hear Kenya say “my part” and accepts the hug under the pretense that Kenya is taking responsibility for the entire brawl, scepter and all.  As if Porsha pulled no weave at all, and this is her “get out of jail free card”.  She takes NO responsibility whatsoever, proving that she is immature as a mother f*cker!

The owner of the tavern bops over because he sees Nene and Kenya are lit and wearing super short shorts.  He asks if the ladies are going to dance on the bar and Kenya, who is clearly lit up like a Christmas tree, kicks her lotioned leg in the air, “no ash tonight, Giirrrrll!”

NoAsh

Next week, Cynthia and Peter move on up to another dump, Nene gives Claudia the cold shoulder, and more Roger Bobb dating debacle.