The Bloop is Back

I’m not sure what’s going on with the ATL here, but I am finding this crew to be about as entertaining as watching paint dry.  Half the cast spends hours packing their things so that they can go drag their toddlers all over Washington D.C. and attend the Million Man March for like…a hot second…annnnnd the other half is just full of ill-conceived outfits and ideas.

The only person worth mentioning here is Ayden, who is very concerned about how he will fit the entire contents of his toy chest into his Louis Vuitton suitcase and still have enough room for his suit, bowtie, and a sensible pair of shoes.  Since Phaedra is on camera, she accepts the incoming call from inmate Apollo Nida.  He has a nice father/son talk with Ayden and tries to offer some discipline from prison to encourage his boy to behave at school.

Across town, Moore Manor is not coming along.  Kenya is supervising some dude drilling in screws and Cynthia arrives in a yellow hard hat and her best olive green gown she scavenged from her Mrs. Roper Collection.  She creeps up the rickety steps in her olive drab ballet flats, and Kenya admits the construction is behind.  Cynthia sees an air mattress and a hot plate in Kenya’s future.  Kenya gives her the scoop on “Kenya’s family reunion” and Kenya is now closer with her father than ever before, but the kamikaze visit to her deadbeat mom’s house did not go so well.  Cynthia understood Kenya’s attempt at gaining some closure and she heaps out a lovin’ ladle o’ sympathy for her BFFL.

Later, Kenya is confronted by her Aunt Lori, but the conversation doesn’t begin without a healthy goblet o’ wine that looks like it has fermented a century too long.  Aunt Lori is upset about being put in the middle of Kenya and her own sister, she tells Kenya that enough is enough, to let it go.  Kenya explains that she won’t stand to live her life, as if there is an elephant in the room and she couldn’t stand how her mother was around her at family functions, but pretended she didn’t exist.  Annnnnd here we thought deadbeat mom was just absent…turns out she was actively snubbing her own daughter in person for years!  Aunt Lori explains that the family did confront Patricia, but to no avail.  Kenya admits she did get some closure by pounding on the unanswered door, they all calm down and hug it out.

In D.C., we see that Phaedra has a small village accompanying her – hair and makeup, stylist, nanny, trainer, nutritionist, and psychic.  Kim however, has an iPad and some Jeri Curl and won’t be ready to board the party bus to Capital Hill anytime soon.  Phaedra has her cast mates in tow, including Porsha and She by Shereé, but they call Kim and find out she still hasn’t gotten dressed yet and her boys are playing with Legos and are covered in cheeze doodle dust.  Ayden announces into the phone “over and out!”  This kid really needs his own show.

Phaedra meets with Congresswoman Frederica Wilson, whom she lovingly dubs, “Flaming Uncle Sam”.  The Congresswoman wears a flaming red sequined cowboy hat that she obtained from the Cynthia Bailey Independence Day Collection and she looks like she should be emceeing Bingo at Hamburger Mary’s.  Congresswoman is thrilled to meet “Toot Toot”, a.k.a. Kim Fields, who I am sure loved being referred to with a slang word for flatulence.  Meanwhile, Porsha hears “toot toot” and is looking around for the Underground Railroad train.

Senator

The ladies sit down and the congresswoman begins talking about how African American boys are stereotyped.  Kim gave congresswoman the “church finger” and she hauled her children out to have a “Come to Jesus talk” because the conversation was not suitable for her boys.  Phaedra, however, doesn’t have the “luxury of sugar coating reality for her sons.”  Counselor Parks does have a point, with their father incarcerated and having it all documented on national television, those boys have already had a hard dose of reality.

Church Finger

The next day, Phaedra drags everyone to a formal sit-down lunch at the Congressional Black Caucus and the boys ain’t havin’ it.  Ayden is already irritated, “They don’t even know what I like…I’m totally eating at the hotel!”  Kim has to step out again because her children are fussy.  She by Shereé checks on Kim and insinuates that Kim is being disrespectful to the hosts.  Kim doesn’t feel it’s disrespectful to care for her children, annnnnd a storm is a’ brewin’.

Kim smartly scheduled a charity event, so she gets to cut out early and skip the actual Million Man March.  She by Shereé’s 19 year old son shows up, he is tall and handsome, he looks like he would smell like musk, determination, and Trident Minty Sweet Twist.  Porsha is wearing her best Skype outfit and she is drooling like a baby on a pacifier.  Leave it to Counselor Parks to point out that he is “legal”, but leave it to She by Shereé to Check Her BOO!  “Legal for WHAT?” she snaps!  At the actual March, it’s Porsha who needs a nanny.  Thank goodness Phaedra’s team is prepared, they hand Porsha a fun size bag o’ Cheez-Itz and an Underground Railroad coloring book.

Meanwhile, back in the ATL, Kandi and Todd arrive at the gathering of the “Ol’ Lady Gang” for the family dinner.  The plan is to butter ‘em up like hot biscuits and get them sold on the restaurant idea.  Mama Joyce welcomes Todd with a big hug, but her motives are clear…she is behaving because she wants to be kidnap Baby Tucker.

Todd has a solid bidness plan…Kandi has a book of recipes, red Solo cups and dixie flatware are cheap, so why not open a restaurant!  Mama Joyce goes stone faced and Aunt Bertha gives an “Aw hell naw”.  They talk about it a bit more, confirming that the OLG’s don’t have to work in the restaurant, they just have to lend their likenesses to the signage.

OLG Poster

Cynthia and Papa Smurf are prepping for a special guest, Cynthia’s long lost BFFL from another life… none other than NENE!  Cynthia is acting nervous as if she were prepping for a first date.  Nene rolls up in her Maserati and the illest-fitting outfit I have seen since the shredded cover ups worn by Phaedra and Porsha in Miami.  Nene saunters into the kitchen, buttons and cut-outs puckering, and hubby Gregg trails behind.  Gregg actually looks pretty good, as if he has lost weight.  Nene must still be keeping him locked in the basement on a steady diet of water and wonder bread balls.

Nene and Cynthia review their fall out, being hurt, etc., and THEN…Cynthia makes a major faux pas and calls Kenya “her girl.”  Nene feels “somekindaway” about that and Cynthia immediately downshifts into Stepford mode and backpeddles, saying nobody compares to Nene!  Ahhhh, some things never change!  Nene is excited about meeting “Rudy”, no “Tootie”… and I am sure Kim will be thrilled to meet another overblown drama queen who can’t discern her from the little girl character on the Cosby Show.  Cynthia mentions that Kandi is pregnant and Nene makes some side comment about feeling pregnant because she hasn’t pooped in three days!?!?  WTH?  Get that woman some Ex Lax and return that outfit to Johnny Weir…STAT!

Nene - shes back

Next week, Kenya flirts with her handyman, Cynthia attempts to make an eyewear commercial, and Phaedra considers taking the boys to visit Apollo in prison.  Kim holds a brunch, requiring the ladies to wear minimal makeup, which sends Kenya twirling.

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Next Course Please

The fact that the big teaser all week was Claw-dia banging on a water glass with a butter knife should have been my first warning that this episode was going to suck balls.  And not just your garden variety, everyday balls, but big, hairy, sweat sock smellin’ BALLZ!

We waste the first 15 minutes with the gang jetting off to the Philippines, there is tension, and Claw-dia is wearing a giant hat from the Steven Tyler collection.  Phaedra is the bearer of great news, Nene can’t be there due to a “blood clotting issue” and she couldn’t obtain medical clearance.  Kandi must have had some inside info about the resort being vegan because she has smuggled some Panda Express onto the plane.  They are headed to a “detox resort”, translation… no meat, no booze, no fun.  They do get to make a pit stop at a McDonald’s in the Philippines for a McCatmeat on a sesame seed bun, and Kenya and Claw-dia flirt with a local dolt whose only hope is a fun toy in his happy meal.

Airport Arrivals

Meanwhile, Nene is in New York for a meeting with creative director on Cinderella.  Not much worth mentioning here other than the fact that he chews her up and spits her out like rancid McCatmeat after she asks if she can inject her own language and accent into her lines.  She wants to throw in her patented catch phrases… “chile”, “bye wig”, etc.  The director advises her to “use sparingly” like Vaseline.  We are kinda done and over Nene at this point in the episode, which hopefully tells us this season may be her last.

Claw-dia announces that Phaedra will get the largest room at the resort in an ass-kissin’ move to compensate for her recent Apollo strife.  It’s 6 a.m. in Manila and Kandi is ready to put on her night bonnet, the rest of the gang heads off to their respective quarters, but not some shade flingin’ first.  Kenya, Cynthia, Claw-dia, and Demetria (she’s still here?), declare that things are going well because the cancer that is Nene Leakes is missing from the group.  Kenya wishes Nene a “blood clotless week” and looks forward to having some fun.

Pheadra and Porsha discuss the spa treatments and have definite interest in the “Colema”, which is a caffeine enema.  Porsha is confused, will said enema give her a “true cleanout”?  Phaedra clarifies, “it’s gonna give you a BOOST…y’know cuz anything you put in your butt is going to take real fast.”  As if that was not line of the night, Phaedra later tells us in her one on one to the camera, “I don’t drink coffee but I’m sure my butt wouldn’t mind a sip.”

Later at 3 p.m., Phaedra and Claw-dia meet for a salad summit and Claw-dia shares a story about an annulment she went through in attempt to get Phaedra to open up, but the Southern Belle is shut down like an illegal day care center.  She claims she is “a private person…”, which is the perfect trait for a reality show cast member.

Phaedra and Kandi have some spa time alone to have their scalps and feet rubbed and to decide that their friendship is fine and they will “move forward…”  Later the gang has a yoga sesh where Kandi starts sawing logs like an Ax Man and astonishes the group by her lack of flexibility.

Kandi-Yoga

As they dress for dinner, Claw-dia reveals another bodily flaw of hers, which is “weak holes” … i.e., her earrings are too heavy for her lobes.  Claw-dia tells Demetria and Cynthia about her salad-side chat with Phaedra and that Phaedra actually cried.  At the dinner not quite from hell, assigned seating will be had by all so that we can “mix it up”, as if the impending drama was not already planned.  Claw-dia admits that the Bravo intern she snuck liquor and chicken into the resort, because they realized the no meat, no booze thing was backfiring faster than going commando while suffering from explosive traveler’s diarrhea.

Porsha is wearing her favorite color, short and tight, and the rest of the gang looks like something from “Three’s Company goes to Hawaii”.  Cynthia and Porsha are getting along and Cynthia comments “Porsha is a lotta fun when she’s off her leash!”  Something tells me that comment will come up at the 97 part reunion.

Claw-dia gives the opening toast, let’s move forward, blah…blah…blah!  Cynthia apologizes to Phaedra, who remains silent.  Porsha giggles and Claw-dia reprimands her with a “WTF” and notes that Porsha is having “Puerto Rico PTSD”.  Kenya mutters “she’s lookin’ for a moment like she always does”, which sends Porsha into orbit.  Then Claw-dia cracks the glass in an attempt to get the group to shut their chicken holes and allow Cynthia and Phaedra to finish their conversation.  Phaedra cooly sips her soup while throwing some serious side eye, “next course please.”  Kenya gets on the Phaedra is an asshole party train and explains that she has tried to reach out to her as well, but it goes ignored.  We flash back to that priceless moment during the Savannah trip, when Kenya attempted to clear the air with Phaedra, but only to be ignored while Ms. Parks pumped her breasts.  Because nothing says “f*ck you, get out of my face” like the rhythmic whirr of a breast pump.

Kenya decides that a private convo with Phaedra needs to happen and Phaedra acquiesces.  The ladies all cheer and break out into hysterics, laughing at each other’s asses.  Porsha does her milkshake walk, which Claw-dia compares to “a stanky leg with a loose knee.”  They all laugh and appear to be having a great time!  Imagine that!  Next week, the trip continues, Nene prepares to take the big stage and appears to have a meltdown, and Phaedra and Kenya finally make peace.

It Ain’t Gonna be Kumbaya, Baby!

Grabbing her borrowed Birkin bags full of mental baggage faster than a blink of a false eyelash, we see Nene spin on her heels in her paratrooper onesie with Dr. Jeff trailing in her wake.  “We can’t work it out without you”, he pleads!  Nevertheless, Nene threatens his license for declaring “Attack Nene Day” a National Holiday.  While she runs off to angrily type up a BBB complaint on Dr. Jeff, he returns to the group like a defeated Jeff Spicoli “No dice…”

No Dice

The gang agrees to put a pin in the Nene portion of their discussion and continue on with the therapy work.  Porsha and Claw-dia discuss how they were bullied and Kenya plays her abandonment card.  Dr. Jeff explains that they if they cannot understand what baggage they are bringing into a relationship, then they have no power over it.  It is here, in the depths of airing their childhood despair, that Dr. Jeff has an epiphany, it’s all a big pissing contest between these hags and he really just wants to go home, put on his jammies, and eat some chicken wangs.  We revisit the whore calling on the Puerto Rico Party bus ride from hell and Kenya calls Porsha a “revisionist historian”, which I have to give Kenya props for pulling that one out of her back pocket.  After all, beyotch thought the Underground Railroad was an actual train.  In the end, the therapy sesh actually does some good after the exit of NayNay.  Kenya delivers a somewhat sincere apology to Porsha and she accepts.  Dr. Jeff points out that they may argue, but they don’t have to get hood rat ugly about it.  Oh Dr. Jeff, your optimistic naïveté is simply adorbs…this show won’t survive without the trifling arguments between these whorenados!  Bless his heart…meanwhile, somewhere in a penthouse office located at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, a Bravo Executive has legal on speed dial.

Group Hug

Kenya suggests they send Nene a video message thanking her for the idea of the therapy sesh and Kandi calls it an ass kisser move, “Girl, BYE!”  Dr. Jeff makes a final note that they can learn to handle conflict without losing themselves or their dignity.  They hug it out and Kandi agrees to record the corny video message, which will only further allow Nene to keep treating people poorly, now it’s just documented.

Nene is too busy to give a flying rat’s ass, she is rehearsing her Cinderella lines!  She has allowed Gregg some play time in the yard because she needs him to listen to her ills.  Nene feels she has already apologized enough, but it never occurs to her that she has to keep apologizing because she never stops acting like a crusty asshole wearing a bad wig.

NayNay-Zero Phucks

Later, Kandi and Todd meet up with peter and Cynthia at the Bowlmor to shoot some pool and some shit.  Peter orders a stiff drink to turn it aaaaallllll da’ way up.  They are glad the group made amends during the therapy sesh, but Kandi is still shocked that even Dr. Jeff was hip to the issues between she and Phaedra, when Phaedra has yet to say a word to her.  Kandi put it perfectly, “If you’re having a problem with our relationship and you don’t tell me, WE don’t have a problem, but YOU do!”

Alas, Phaedra has bigger fish to fry than to worry about her former Ace Boon Coon, Kandi.  Phaedra has a sit down with Sarah Jakes, daughter of famed Bishop T.D. Jakes.  Phaedra wants to pick her brain about how she came to terms with the end of her marriage.  Sarah explains that she was “robbed of the ability to be vulnerable in her marriage” and that’s when she knew she was in a bad spot.  Phaedra finally breaks down and sheds some synthetic tears.  Phaedra confides in her that she doesn’t really have close friends to talk to about this and Sarah warns that if she keeps stifling her emotions, feeling numb will become her new normal and she will look like one of the corpses she embalms.

Later, Phaedra drops by Kaplan Family Law wearing a faux fur capelette, as if she is off to a roaring twenties bible study group.  Counselor Kaplan notes that Phaedra’s prenup is air tight, but the kids are a concern.  When discussing the demise of the marriage, Phaedra points out that there was no longer a meeting of the mind and Apollo was more interested in drinking and breakin’ da’ law-n-shit.  Kaplan poses the question of seasons 2 – 6, “there were loads of other men you could have married that didn’t spend any time in prison, how did you marry him knowing he was in prison for five years?”  Phaedra admits that she thought he was a changed man, thought that he loved her, and she believed in him.  Phaedra got Phooled and now she finds herself cleaning up a “trail of madness”.  Right now the parenting plan is paramount, and Phaedra may have to face facts and take the boys to see their father in jail.

Phaedra-Divorce

In less interesting goings on, Kenya is having a table read for her first script of “Life Twirls On”.  She runs around, acting like she is in charge, and thinks her poorly timed Ray Rice jokes are “landing”.  Brandon pretends to supervise, Cynthia can’t act her way out of a paper bag, and Kenya suffers from delusions as she says “watch out ‘Two Broke Girls’, here comes ‘Life Twirls On’!”

Claw-dia contacts Dr. Jeff for a Skype therapy sesh so that she can root through her issues like a pig rooting in shit.  Dr. Jeff suggests that the women go on a Bravo mandated trip from hell.  Somewhere in a penthouse office located at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, a Bravo Executive is signing a bonus check for the good doctor.  We see Claw-dia in her one on one with the camera while wearing a white dress with her hair dyed one color, brushed, and looking nice.  She can obviously look descent if she puts her mind to it, so I still don’t understand why she spends a majority of her camera time looking like a low-rent hooker on the third shift stroll.  Dr. Jeff summarizes their discussion by telling her to plan a trip, but be wary… “It ain’t gonna be Kumbaya, baby!”

Claw-dia tells Kenya and Cynthia about the Philippines trip and figures she’ll throw in a free demonstration of what “tea bagging” is on Cynthia’s forehead…in case you missed it:

Tea Bag

Cynthia and Kenya later stop by “Tags”, where Kandi is toiling away trying to figure out why her inventory isn’t moving.  The girls feign interest in child-sized pleather coats, but the underlying agenda is to discuss the trip prescribed by Dr. Jeff.  We are treated to a flashback scene of Claw-dia and Porsha having a meeting of the mind and playing nice in the sandbox.  They decide each will inform their respective teams that they are headed to the Philippines for a make-up sesh and caffeine enemas.

Next week, the Thrilla in Manila where the main event is a staged break through between Phaedra and Kenya!

Hearts of Darkness

We begin this week with the ever domestic Porsha preparing a “just add water” frozen meal kit so she and gal pal, Phaedra, can catch up on all the latest dirt.  Phaedra is all about the Cynthia bashing, stating she was throwing hand signals and she’s all “about ‘dat life”.  She can’t understand Cynthia’s hostility, after all, even Phaedra’s mother supports Cynthia by “purchasing clothing from the plus size catalog that Cynthia models for.”  BURN CYNTHIA…YOUR EXPLODING ASS AND ALL!  Okay Phaedra, as if you should talk, you have far surpassed muffin-top region and entered into busted can o’ biscuits territory.  Phaedra goes on to claim she has dirt on Cynthia and Peter, but “no one is going to put out a story about fibroids and dry vaginas.”  The two say grace over their plate of Hamburger Helper and pray that it be calorie free.

Kandi suggests she and Todd begin their homework assignments given by Dr. Sherri and they start with the pro and con list.  Todd rolls his eyes and says “that was whack!”  Kandi lists a con for Todd, he’s mad all the time and won’t let it go.  While Todd’s con for Kandi is that she won’t deal with a damn thing, which explains why he’s pissed off all the time.  When asked to list a pro – Todd is completely stumped and then weakly busts out with “very family oriented”.  In the same breath, he mutters that he “has to get to a meeting”.  Kandi seems to be familiar with her own cons, “won’t deal with her mom”.  Somewhere in the ATL, Mama Joyce and her sisters are throttling up their “told you so” wrecking ball.

Across town, Nene shows up at Phaedra’s looking like the bride of Frankenstein was caught in a catfight.  Maybe she got a jolt when she was trying to wrestle Gregg back inside the electric fence.  The ladies discuss the hilarity of waving pocketbooks over Brazilian meats, but Phaedra has no remorse, she was “on the run” after Apollo went HAM (Hot Ass Mess) in her garage.  How dare Cynthia have the audacity to talk such foolishness!  Phaedra is no longer “on the run”, but she has a severe case of the sads.  She has to turn to Nene for support now that her “ride or die” BFFL Kandi has been MIA.  Of course Nene uses the opportunity to showcase what a great friend she is, but Phaedra doesn’t realize that Nene is in the “NFL” (No Friends Left).  If Nene were such a great friend, she would give Phaedra some guidance on her earring choices.

Nene-Frankenwig

In more Kandi-land dysfunction, Kandi drops by Phaedra’s lawyering playhouse to find out what the beef is between them.  Kandi can’t speak to her ol’ pal without her voice rattling.  They chat a bit and Phaedra explains that Kandi was not there during her time of need when Apollo went all HAM before he went Ass-under.  Kandi explains that she was dealing with the trauma of the death of her dream, “A Mother’s Love”, and she had the chore of laying off masses of third-rate actors.  She had to stash what little millions she had left under her mattress and find a way to move on.  Phaedra pretends to be sympathetic, but there Kandi goes again, putting her career and money before those who are closest to her.  They eventually get back to the script and agree to move forward.  When asked if she will participate in going to the group therapy with Dr. Jeff, Phaedra replies that she doesn’t need to be around “these dark hearts”.

Meanwhile, Claw-dia is contemplating suicide as she discusses attempting stand-up comedy with her co-worker Gary.  Claw-dia can be mildly amusing at best, but she does not have the constitutional fortitude to make it as a stand-up comedian.  She feels stifled on the radio show, however Gary explains that Ricky Smiley is the star and she should abort any ambitions of being the comedic relief.  Stay in your lane home girl, Ricky got ‘dis!  In this segment, we see Claw-dia with a new look for her one-on-one with the camera, and she has a black dress and wig and finally looks descent.  If she can look that nice, why does she walk around looking like a skank who fell ass backwards in the clearance bin at Forever 21?

Later, Claw-dia meets with her pal, Luenell, who comes in the bar lookin’ like a low-rent Miss Cleo.  She hoists herself up on the bar stool and she has to “manspread” so that her gut has a place to hang.  Luenell pulls no punches, she doesn’t like the Rickey Smiley show, Claw-dia should jump off a cliff before attempting stand-up, and Lu needs her drink so badly that she can’t take a moment to take the wrapper off her drinking straw.

Claudia-Lu

We later see Claw-dia do a practice performance at the “Uptown Comedy Corner” and by the looks of their sign, it appears the place is located in a third rate strip mall that has massive potholes in the parking lot.

It’s time for the group therapy session with Dr. Jeff and the last 15 minutes of the show.  Dr. Jeff forewarns Nene that she will be “held to the same standards as the other ladies”, translation = I will put your ass on full-blown elephant hose blast.

Claw-dia is wearing her “fix it Jesus” earrings to protect her and Kandi copes by hitting the buffet.  Nene starts the group off with her chief complaint, which is that “we hear all this stuff about being a grown ass woman, but the woman-ness has not been displayed.”  The whole thing goes completely off the rails before Kandi can even get to the dessert table.  Kenya reflects back on the drunken laughing between she and Nene at the tavern when they agreed to be friends, then during their next encounter, Nene looked at her as if she had the deadly Ebola virus.  Nene is sitting by Dr. Jeff as if she is a facilitator and not part of the issue.  Her plan is to keep the candy bowls full while Dr. Jeff works is magic and tells everyone else how wrong they are.

Nene-Dr.Jeff-2

Dr. Jeff drills it down and tells Nene that it isn’t that tough to admit that you were working toward a friendship, and you actually had… like… feelings.  Nene goes on defense toward Dr. Jeff, “you don’t know me like ‘dat!”  Now we have reached DEFCON 3 –Jerry Springer level.

Kandi-stunned

Claw-dia confronts Nene for giving her the cold shoulder and calls it a bi-polar experience, which sends Nene over the edge.  Dr. Jeff’s solution to control this seething cauldron o’ crazy… “let’s not mix apples and oranges”.  Well, isn’t that what we are doing here, Dr. Jeff, Master of the Obvious?  None of these ladies should be, or would be, friends outside of this show.  Friends don’t let friends tear out each other’s weaves.  It’s time they all admit defeat and forgo the Bravo paychecks.  Dr. Jeff asks the group to be “very careful with our words”, or they will all be in a time out in the corner.  Cynthia apologizes for her part in things that have caused a rift with Nene and she goes back to the dreaded charity event where Nene called Peter a bitch.  Kandi joins in by airing her grievances, stating that Nene throws friends away as if they are worn-out, soiled wigs.  Nene goes complete DEFCON 4 – Maury Povich level, and feels attacked.  She calls Cynthia a mean girl and sarcastically asks “did you find your voice yet?”

Dr. Jeff tries to summarize by saying that there were some very strong friendships that have fallen out and Nene pulls the ripcord on her paratrooper jumpsuit.  Attack Nene Day has officially come to an end, brace for impact!  Dr. Jeff gets on his Dora the Explorer walkie-talkie and radios his Psychological SEAL team “secure the perimeter, we’ve got a runner!”  He follows her out to the freight elevator and we are left with “To be continued…”

Nene-Bye

Next week, Nene threatens Dr. Jeff’s license and Phaedra files for divorce now that Apollo is ass-under.

Salute to Ignorance

I don’t like filler, I don’t like it in my Brazilian meats, I don’t like it in my new pocketbooks, and I certainly don’t like it in my housewives.  Alas, that is what we have this week… a whole lotta nuttin’ goin’ on!

Cynthia tells us about Peter’s greatness and his upcoming “Salute to Excellence” awards dinner.  Many people don’t know that Peter Thomas is the co-creator of “Source Entertainment”, which spawned the prestigious “Source Awards”.  Well, my “sources” tell me that this can’t be much of a deal, ‘cuz Papa Smurf be broke all da’ time!

Meanwhile across town, Phaedra and Porsha meet up to rehash the swingin’ pocket book over Brazilian meats event and Porsha calls Kenya a dawg for getting involved, but “a dawg gonna do what a dawg do!”  Phaedra is now pissed at Cynthia and thinks her change in attitude is due to becoming “Ace Boon Coons” with Kenya.  Interesting sidebar:  They bleeped out “Ace Boon Coon”.  There’s not much happening here, Porsha coughs and says she has Ebola, to which Phaedra responds “Girrrl, not the Ebola!”, if only…

Kandi and Todd visit Dr. Sherri to get some counseling so they may “adjust” to being married.  Todd looks like he would rather have a back alley colonoscopy performed by David Duke than be in this therapy sesh.  After the usual hemming and hawing between these two boring dolts, Todd brings up his agitation over the prenup.  Long story short, the money/work thing is causing tension and it’s showing up in the bedroom (or lack thereof).  Kandi is still suspicious of Todd’s doings in L.A. and she says “Whatever is said in the dark, always comes to the light.”  Dr. Sherri gives them some homework, which consists of a date night and there will be no phones or social media allowed.  She also advises them to create a pro and con list about each other, which has great potential to backfire.

Kandi-Todd-Counseling

It’s the night of Peter’s big “Salute to Excellence” event, which is fairly un-eventful.  Claudia shows up with her boobs poppin’ out, Kenya looks like a giant banana peel, Demetria has a bumble bee thing goin’ on, and Kandi looks like she smuggled a bushel o’ peaches, or two, under the back of her dress.  Cynthia is the only one with any sense of style, too bad her social skills don’t match her shoes.  Peter is standing around, acting like a douche in general, saying “Cynthia’s ass has exploded since she moved to Atlanta.”  Just for that, I think she should take him out for some Brazilian meats and swing away with her handbag.  Kenya brings up the confrontation with the crazy “bag lady” and Peter immediately excuses himself to find Todd and make a mad-dash to the bar for a refill.

Awards-Ladies

Peter asks Todd if Apollo told him about Phaedra’s alleged affair.  Todd confirms he knew about the texteses as if it were yesterday’s news (and he gets line of the night) “yeah, he came to the house with color copies”.  Color copies, as if the printing job from Apollo’s li’l ink jet that could, added to the veracity of the texteses.  Then to add fuel to the fire, Todd explains that Kandi also saw said color copies!  Insert dramatic “dunt dunt dunt!” music here…

Dun dun dun

Meanwhile, Kandi staves off the wild bobcats and tells them she ain’t gonna pick sides and … what affair?  Cynthia, of all housewives, tells Kandi she should be calling Phaedra out for wrongdoing even though “she’s your girl”.  Saved by the dinner bell, they sit down for the banquet and Kandi whispers to Todd that she has been “kicked out of the circle”.  To take her mind off the evil conspiracy, she is called up to the stage to receive a “Salute to Excellence” bullshit award.  She gives a speech revering Peter and Kenya sarcastically tells us that Kandi should win an award for “the most loyal friend everrrr!”

We circle back around to Nene who is full on with her ramen noodle toupee.  She visits Dr. Jeff, the Psychologist who gave her and Gregg some prior family counseling.  Nene discusses the housewives with the good doctor and invites him into the circle of death.  Dr. Jeff salivates at the thought of the large paycheck a session with this group will surely yield.  He forewarns Nene that he isn’t going to co-sign on anyone’s bullshit and he is not afraid to put an ass on blast!  Little does he know that he may have met his match and he may not come out of this psychological threshing machine alive.

Nene-Dr.Jeff

Speaking of ass blasting… Cynthia summons Phaedra for a meet and mend so she can explain that she was just following the script.  Phaedra, being a Christian woman, has agreed to attend, but is sadly expecting an apology that will never come.  Cynthia attempts to lay out some ground rules about “having a conversation”, but she makes no sense as usual.  She defends her actions and then these two hyenas get into banter back and forth where they wield the phrase “fact check” like a sawed off shotgun.  Phaedra can’t take it anymore and declares “court adjourned”, buh bye, take several seats!

Phaedra-Seats

Kandi is milling around in her “Tags” boutique, she figures she should pay attention to her other bidnessess, now that her musical has officially failed.  Right on cue, in walks Mama Joyce to whip off her overnight Depends® and take a ginormous dump on Kandi’s day.  Mama has fixed up the old house, but now she wants to stay there and will not be moving in to that disposable new house that Kandi just bought.  Oh and by the way, you suck, you’re so critical, and you never come around.  Hmmm…Mama, it ain’t rocket science here.  She doesn’t come around because you are crazier than a Walmart wedgie wielding crack house rat and you are an endless pit of negativity!  Wait for it… Kandi’s voice starts shaking as she tries to address her mother, then Mama comes out with a lousy peace offering by way of the key and garage door remote to the house that Mama doesn’t want anymore.  How ya’ like me now?

The last 15 minutes are the most critical, the dinner table of death at Uncle Julio’s.  Odd items to note:  Kandi rolls up in a huge white Ford F-150, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I have never seen her in a pickup truck.  Porsha is channeling Carmen Miranda, wearing a banana yellow crop top and skirt, and Claw-dia and Demetria are present for who the hell knows why.  Everyone is in place, except for Phaedra and Kenya, who weren’t invited to this life-sucking waste of time.  Nene begins addressing the group and Cynthia has had a bit too much salt with her margarita.  She keeps interrupting and combating Nene and Kandi mutters “let’s not start” as she stuffs a quesadilla in her mouth.  At the end of the day… Cynthia is all in for the group therapy with Dr. Jeff, but Kandi doesn’t think she needs any part of it because she can simply eat her feelings.  Nene convinces Kandi that she is going to have some nasty splinters up her ass from riding that fence that will likely become infected.  Kandi rolls her eyes and caves in like the li’l wishy-washy mogul she is.

Kandi-Agrees

Next week, Nene sports a Bride of Frankenstein wig and an ill-fitting jumpsuit, Kandi confronts Phaedra about their rift, and then – in the most SHOCKING twist EVA – The therapy sesh with Dr. Jeff goes off the rails when Nene is called out and she storms out!

Crazy Eights

This week, Claudia’s “struggle toes” reveal themselves and well…they ain’t cute.  Her handsome podiatrist diagnoses her with an advanced case o’ da’ corns and a bunion, which will require surgery and a surgical boot for two weeks.  Since the gals are headed out on an all-expenses paid trip to Puerto Rico (Courtesy of Demetria via Roger Bobb’s mythical wallet), Claw-dia (get it?) decides to forgo the surgery and will bury her falcon toes in the Puerto Rican sand.

Claudia-Feet

Kandi meets Demetria for lunch so she can apologize for the Goche-bomb dropped at the dildo party (because that’s something that never happens at a gathering of this group).

Dropped Bomb

Demetria is very cool about it because she is more interested in kissin’ some Kandi ass.  She proclaims her love and respect for Kandi, calling her a “Mogul” and then suggests they collaborate on something.  Kandi quickly refers to recent case law “Burruss vs. Wigs-n-Cigs”, which prohibits Kandi from working on any project with anyone in the ATL housewives ring of stolen profits.  They continue on to discuss Kandi’s sex toy line… only in the ATL does a lunch conversation over fish tacos wrap up with a consolation prize of remote controlled vibrating panties and the phrase “hold it under his balls.”

Meanwhile, Cynthia is hard at work at the Bailey Agency for Wayward Models when her new BFF, Kenya, shows up to discuss assistance with hiring an assistant.  Kenya needs an assistant because shit-pot-stirring is a full time job!  This whole meeting of the mind (yes, that is singular) is merely a front so these two can firm up their anti-Nene alliance and trash talk her privately (on national television), prior to reporting for duty at the dinner table of death in Puerto Rico.

Nene and Phaedra drop by a studio to confirm that Demetria can actually sing.  They sit down for a pow-wow and the subject quickly turns to Roger Bobb, who by the way, will not be in Puerto Rico.  If we hadn’t seen Roger Bobb taking a fake meeting with Kenya a few episodes ago, I would think he didn’t exist.  Demetria reassures the gals that she confronted Roger Bobb about the gauche Gocha incident, but he pulled a Ross Gellar from “Friends”.  He clarified that his indiscretion with the Smurf-haired Gocha was during a time when “they were on a break”.  Nene and Phaedra roll their eyes in unison and Nene offers Demetria some sage advice “the dog chases the cat!”  Phaedra, with dogged determination, begins drilling Demetria about her career.  She sounds like Simon Cowell… “Who are you?”  “Who is Demetria as an artist?”  “What genre is ‘me’?”  “Aren’t pop stars younger?  You should be doin’ gospel by now!”  They continue to discuss the eight long years that Demetria and RB (Roger Bobb) have been on-again off-again and Phaedra “the hammer” Parks continues to pound… “Eight years, what are you waitin’ for, a liver transplant?”  Demetria defends her relationship, RB knows that she is “itchin’ for something more” to which our deft Phaedra replies “well just as long as it’s not bacterial vaginosis, CHILE…”  They wrap up their review of Demetria’s IMDB page and Phaedra learns that Demetria played a crack head in “House of Payne” and asks if Demetria has ever done crack, because everybody knows that they put gerbils up their butt in Hollywood, so doing a li’l crack is nothing.

Nene-Phaedra-Visiting Demetria

The Hot Mess Express delivers the girls to Puerto Rico in teams, first we have Team Beauties consisting of Cynthia, Kenya, Claudia, and rookie Demetria.  Team Beasts is Phaedra, Porsha, and Nene (or shall we say NayNay, because her unhinged, hood-rat, alter ego is the one actually on this trip), and rounding out the trifecta is Team Neutral:  Kandi, party of one!

As the ladies are arriving and grumbling about the smallness of their boutique hotel rooms, we are treated to a variety of scenes, but the most important is Demetria’s “divide and conquer” strategy when it comes to Phaedra.  She briefs Kandi and Porsha first, stating she “can’t get a fix on Phaedra”.  Of course, Kandi defends her BFF and shoots Demetria down like an asteroid.  Demetria then turns to Team Beast, who she deems “the fun group”, and Kenya spoon-feeds Demetria the straight dope on our resident southern belle and suggests that Demetria confront shady Phaedra as soon as humanly possible.

Demetria-Plea

NayNay and Phaedra arrive later and while NayNay whines about the size of her room, Phaedra straps on her magnifier reading glasses and has them turnt up to atomic blast.

Phaedra-reading glasses

First, she insults Demetria’s stylist, “Oh you’re the stylist… now this you’re on point with”.  Clearly irked by the emphasis and tone on the word this, he waits for Phaedra to leave, gives a twirl that Kenya would be proud of, and calls Phaedra “late, old, and dry.”  Later, NayNay and Phaedra visit with Porsha the dumbass in hopes to trade rooms, but all Porsha has to offer is the fact that Demetria feels somekindaway about Phaedra.  I reckon Porsha was just hitting her cue, we needed to have the beef on the table before the impending mandatory group dinner of doom.

Porsha-Dumbass

At said group dinner, Demetria wastes no time diving into the beef and she confronts Phaedra straight away about the tactless line of questioning about RB and her career.  Phaedra’s plays the “I’m just being honest”. keepin’ it 100 defense, which is about as worn out and tired as the thighs of an old hooker.  In response, Demetria hands her a mathematically challenged, one two punch, “the only thing we have in common is the number eight”, referencing the length of Apollo’s prison sentence and the length of time Demetria and RB have been together (albeit forgetting to carry the one and subtract the pesky li’l breaks!)

The beef between Phaedra and Demetria continues, but we only hear them caterwauling in the background because NayNay starts making cracks and Claudia will no longer hide her hammertoes in the sand.  She dives on NayNay, the “founding father of shadiness” in her “George Washington wig”.  At the other side of the table, Cynthia tries to facilitate an apology between Demetria and Phaedra, then NayNay goes off on her for meddling.  Claudia pipes up and notes they are being bitchy and catty, they need to put the issues on the table, and resolve them like grown ass women.  Oy, Claudia, have you not seen this show?  NayNay labels Claudia as the wanna be “it” girl, “you got the I, but you are missing in the T, proceed with caution.”

Claudia-Disgusted

As NayNay and Claudia trade insults about educational backgrounds, former stripper careers, uncooked hot ramen noodle wigs, having edges at a certain age, half-breed whores, and female body parts that rhyme with Dolores, Kandi comments that Claudia is reading NayNay like hooked on phonics!  Which she is, and props to Claudia for speaking up.  Next week the reading continues, we find out if the damn southwestern eggrolls make it to this dinner table, and the rest of the Puerto Rico trip continues to disintegrate.

Stale Quackers 

Kenya visits her BFF, Claudia, who has just moved into a sexy corner apartment with a great view of the ATL.  Claudia’s furniture has not arrived yet and Kenya is forced to sit on an IKEA grade rug and drink Cardboardeaux out of reality show required red solo cups.  Claudia knows Kenya has swilled some Mad Dog 20/20, kiwi flavor, out of a brown paper bag, so what’s up with the act!  Claudia has a cat and Kenya freaks because she is completely canine.  They make a few obligatory “pussy” jokes before Claudia makes Kenya help her assemble furniture.  They discuss the “liar and a whore” accusations that have been hurled at Kenya for the past two years and Claudia offers us this gem, “you’re not a liar and you’re not a whore.  You’re a little cray cray, occasionally ashy, but not a whore.”  Twirl on ‘dat!  Claudia decides that two beauty queens cannot put together “this raggedy ass furniture” so they go out into the hall to find a handy single man.  So far, I do like Claudia and she brings some good one liners to the table.

Claudia CatLater, Claudia and Kenya continue to bond over the shapes of their assess.  While at the gym, Claudia pulls a “coochie muscle” on the inner thigh machine and they call it a work out.  They sit down to stretch because that’s when all good heart-to-heart moments happen.  Claudia discusses the racism she faced growing up and her mom is due in ATL for a visit, but their relationship is quite strained.  She and her mother don’t exchange “I love yous” and Claudia is actually very close with her grandmother on her paternal side.  Of course all roads lead back to Kenya and now that Claudia has shared this, she feels they have bonded for life, given her own maternal misfortune.

Workout Buddies

Kandi and Todd visit the wreckage that is Kandi’s old house where Mama Joyce was squatting.  Apparently Mama Joyce’s boyfriend was going to do renovations, but then she decided not to move in since the house wasn’t in her name.  The house is tore up from the floor up and Kandi is pissed.  She assesses there is at least $10K or more of damage and it’s a month out from being in rental shape.  Todd takes a moment to ask Kandi when she will draw the line with the holy terror that is Mama Joyce.  All this time, Todd was the “no good boyfriend”, as if Mama Joyce had herself a real keeper?  Kandi won’t throw Mama from the train just yet, but Todd has a valid point.  Kandi never presents Mama with any negative consequences and now she has a house that looks like it’s been trashed by unsavory raving teenagers.  Meanwhile, Mama comfortably lands her ass in the nice new house that Kandi paid for.

Kandi-Trashed House

Across town, Cynthia, her mother, and good for nuthin’ troublemaker sister are hanging out and cooking dinner.  Cynthia uses her family time to vent about the Nene mess, the mean tweets, and defaming interviews where Nene is bad mouthing her.  Cynthia admits that she let Nene’s bad behavior go on way too long.  Look out everybody, Cynthia is gearing up for a beat-down.

In other bitching while eating news, Phaedra and Kandi get together for some guacamole and Kandi tells Phaedra about the discussion with Kenya and the “lying about lying-gate” but Phaedra doesn’t give a shit.  She maintains that Kenya dug her own hole by exhibiting inappropriate, whore-like behavior.  Kandi has a genius idea, let’s get all the girls together for dinner and do the patented Bravo dance move, the “deny, deny, deny, half-ass apologize, move forward”.  Phaedra says she will attend the shit show, but expects it will be another night at the “circus with the monkeys.”

Nene and Gregg are teaching their son, Brentt, how to drive.  Why do all the men in Nene’s life have two consonants at the end of their names?  Gregg dresses for combat while Nene discusses the upcoming “squash the beef dinner”.  Allow Ms. Leakes to be clear, she has no intention to apologize to anyone, anywhere, at any time.

The group dinner from hell is being held at a place called “Einstein’s”.  I guess it’s a restaurant for people with “brainy” ideas, such as getting a group of women who want to rip out each other’s intestines and use them as their own personal jump ropes.  Phaedra and Kandi are first to arrive and they conduct a quick “Jesus take the wheel, save us from the whores” prayer.  Cynthia arrives, “serving sexy” because she has to look damn good when she punches Nene in the throat with an open fist.  Kenya shows up next with her boobs popping out of her dress, playing into her Moore-Whore persona.  Porsha and her bangs are invited to this dinner, but for someone who is not a peach-holding cast member, she sure is getting a lot of air time.  Nene walks in wearing all the attitude the ATL had in stock.  Kandi kicks off the peace summit and hands the talking stick to Kenya.  She addresses the Apollo-text-gate lying about lying-gate.  Nene absolves herself immediately from any wrong doing, but Phaedra proudly owns up to her statements, “I’ll say loud and clear I called you a whore and I called you a slut because if it look like a duck, quack like a duck, it’s yella, and it swim in a pool, IT’S A DUCK!”  Kenya says she forgives Phaedra and Kandi notes that Apollo has cleared Kenya’s name and they shouldn’t be breathing life into this fiasco.  Nene, that f*cking shit stirrer, asks Kandi if she supports Apollo or Phaedra.  Kandi remains calm, despite Nene trying to bait her, then Phaedra pipes up and offers to clear the slate, but do not be mistaken…it is not even a resemblance of a half-assed apology.  They all agree to move forward and it’s about time.  This story line is about as stale as the broke down saltines the waiter is serving.  Round two is next with Nene vs. Cynthia… Nene’s opening move is to plead ignorance of any falling out, but Cynthia points out that they both know what it is that caused the rift.  Cynthia addresses the ill-fated charity event where Nene behaved like an asshole and then started in on Peter, and eventually called him a bitch at a subsequent social gathering from hell.  Cynthia can’t even get a word in and Nene gives her a “Girl, BYE!”  Cynthia must have overlooked the “every argument shall be one-sided” addendum to the friend contract.  Nene is sweating like a farm animal and she raises white napkins to her face.

Nene Napkins

This may be her version of a white flag, she has officially given up on the friendship.  Somewhere in the ATL, Cynthia’s lawyer is drafting an iron-clad friend contract 2.0 so she can get Kenya locked down.  Next week Cynthia and Nene get some one on one time to cry off their false eyelashes, but I don’t expect a reconciliation.  And in a much more interesting story line, Derek J. is accused of being a “hair burglar” and he seeks the counsel of Ms. Phaedra Parks.

Oh What a Tangled Weave…

Everyone is on sugar and oversized furniture overload at the Kandi Factory, it seems the staff is dropping the ball on Kandi’s projects and Todd ain’t happy about it.  Kandi has a pow-wow with her team about working cohesively to make her brand bigger.  Don Juan cannot hide his disdain, for he knows this is coming from Todd, the miniature spouse that could.  Don definitely feels “somekindaway” about Todd, “I definitely think we should take a look at Kandi Burruss prior to Todd.  We have stores all across the United States, a successful Bedroom Kandi line, and a songwriting career that spans across 60 million records sold plus a Grammy.  Annnnd Todd Tucker’s resume reads what? I’ll wait on it…”

Kandi-Meeting

After the reprimand, Don plops down in the hot pink office chair in front of Kandi to voice his opinion about Todd’s meddling.  He doesn’t get too far with her, citing examples of how he has sacrificed his personal life for her and she basically tells him he is “ride or die”, so pick up your nut sack and get out of my hot pink pleather chair!  Later, Todd and Don get into it, Todd spouts off some delusional idea about how Kandi should be collaborating with Obama, but “at the end of the day” they just want Team Kandi to be better and Don Juan has to manage and lead in a way that allows him time for his own personal life.  They fist bump it out, but of course, this doesn’t go down without a final read from Don about Todd needing a step stool so they can talk eye to eye.

DonJuan

Meanwhile, across town, Claudia Jordan tries to make nice with Porsha Stewart since they rub elbows at work, but Porsha snubs her peachy replacement.  Claudia suspects the snub is Kenya-related, but I think Porsha is still reeling from her “Peach REVOKED” status.  Porsha should just be gracious and be glad someone in ATL who isn’t Kordell Stewart is writing her a check.

Cynthia pops over to a boutique in her royal blue cloak and matching royal blue umbrella and Kenya meets her in torn jeans and a floppy hat.  Claudia will be coming along later and Cynthia is hyped, “she seems really cool.”  Yeah, until she pisses you off.  Claudia arrives and they start trying on footwear, but Claudia declines because she has self-described “struggle toes”.  Kenya asks if they resemble the “Boomerang toes”, but Claudia says she wishes they were that nice.  ICYMI:

BoomerangToes

Cynthia brings up her issues with Porsha and the “We Hate Porsha Williams” club is now fully formed.  Claudia quickly obtains platinum member status with her work-snub tale.  Kenya encourages Claudia to have a sit down with Porsha, but warns her that Porsha is dumber than Handerpants.

Handerpants

The other half of the faction, known as “The Kenya Moore Hate-Club”, hits the spa.  I hope Phaedra plans to get a polish change, her nails are creepy long and neon yellow.  Although, she no longer looks like a busted can o’ biscuits, the “Prison Stress Diet” is working to her favor.  The gang discusses the Porsha/Cynthia caucus and Porsha claims Cynthia (“Mini-Nene with a long face”) did the “robot read” and recited things from a list Peter created.  Because as we know, Peter Thomas is the diabolical puppet master of the ATL.  Nene chimes in and says that she was blindsided by Cynthia at the reunion and will never be friends with her again, but wishes her the best and has “no hate for her and her afro.”  The convo turns to Apollo-gate and Nene doesn’t believe that he lied at all and he only lied about lying just to sting Phaedra.  As her latest minion, Porsha backs up Nene on the new conspiracy theme.

Apollo and Peter get together at Bar One for a drink and Apollo trash-talks Phaedra by revealing that she used to booty call him when he was living in the projects, wearing an ankle monitor, and sleeping on an air mattress.  Peter clarifies, “She used to come see you when you was on the air mattress, Dawg?”  “Yes, on the AIR MATTRESS!”  Ergo…since she was hotter than a half-f*cked fox in a forest fire over him, despite him being down and out, living on an AIR MATRESS of all things, she should still be his ace boon coon today.  Somewhere, Phaedra Parks is mortified and fashioning a shiv out of his old ankle monitor casing.  Apollo further explains that Kenya made him look bad by revealing the texts that he did send her, so he decided to flip the script on her because he hadn’t yet perfected his backpedal shuffle.  Get a clue asshole, you make yourself look bad all on your own.  Peter says he spoke to Kenya about the lies and she “seemed cool”.  Apollo has the audacity to flash a grin…“do you think she’ll come visit me?”  Yeah ass hat, she can’t wait to hide crank in her coochie crack and smuggle it into prison for you, so you can trade it for commissary…As if

We are treated to a brief interstitial of Ayden picking out a puppy.  I cannot even believe this sweet, precious boy was spawned from immoral, pump-n-dump Apollo sperm.  Did your heart just melt when he was training the dog?  “Stay in control”, “Excuse me! I’m walking the dog!”, “I know all about dogs!”  I think he should get his own show!  If anything, he is living proof that Phaedra’s marriage to Apollo was not a total loss.

Ayden-Dog

Claudia and Porsha meet up for lunch and Porsha gives her the courtesy of being on time.  Claudia cuts right to the chase and tells Porsha she felt the work-snub was shady and she don’t want no trouble.  Porsha claims it’s nothing personal, but Claudia throws out the Kenya card and suggests that Porsha and Kenya work it out.  Porsha’s head spins around a few times and she says something about her “intellectual mind frame”, as if it’s something she picked up at Pottery Barn, and then concludes by telling Claudia to mind her bidness when it comes to the rift with Kenya.  Next, Stonewall Jackson artfully changes the subject by applying some Tom Ford lotion and asks Claudia to smell her hands.

Kandi and Kenya get together for a kick-you-while-you’re-down boxing work out.  While they are stretching, Kandi admits that she didn’t believe Kenya’s denials about text-gate and offers her an apology, which Kenya appreciates.  Of course, Kandi the shit-stirrer in training, can’t leave well enough alone.  Kandi fills her in on the conspiracy spa-day of horrors and tells Kenya that the main gang thinks Apollo lied about lying.  Kenya loses her shiz, storms off, and shoves the cameras out of her face for heightened drama.  We can still hear the audio as Kenya sobs about this rumor and Kandi presumably hands her a wad of toilet paper.

Kenya-Bathroom

Next week it looks like we will be treated to the Bravo mandated group dinner from hell where enemies collide.

(Photo Credits:  Bravo.com and StraightfromtheA.com)

Ashy to Ashy, Dust to Dust

Part 3 of this stinkin’ reunion can’t be done soon enough, I am so over these ladies it’s all I can do to muster up a few lowlights, so here we go…

1.  Battle of the Titans

We revisit the fact that Nene and Kenya have arguing down to a science, who has the best weave, fakest butt, and biggest paycheck.  Kenya feels that Nene is not a good friend, but rather a controlling dictator.  She whips out a text from Nene where she allegedly told Marlo that if she filmed with Kenya, their friendship was dunzo.  Nene also subjected Cynthia to a three-way call with Kenya on the same subject.  Kenya keeps yelling “bye Felicia”, which must be the invisible housewife that only Kenya can see.  Nene chides Kenya for “popping her gums”, Kenya fires back “at least my gums are original and not from Petco.”  Which is actually kinda funny, but really, we are resorting to insulting each other’s gums?  After these two get done arguing, Kandi puts Nene on blast for bad mouthing Mama Joyce, calling the throwing of the Wal-Mart Wedgie behavior “down in the gutter”.  Bottom line, Nene can dish it all day, but she can’t take it one bit.

Nene addresses her foul behavior and speech (or lack thereof) at the charity event.  She calls Kenya a wolf in sheep’s clothing and offers to put differences aside if Kenya will match a $20K to the charity of Kenya’s choice.  Of course to make her point that she out earns Kenya, Phaedra wants in on that action and says “Certified funds, please!”

2.  Divorce Court?

We spend some more time we will never get back focusing on Cynthia and her husband’s abhorrent communication skills.  Cynthia says everything that bugs her about Peter today were the reasons she fell in love with him.  Kiss.  Of.  Death.  She makes an odd comment about how she couldn’t really be mad a Peter if he strayed during her fibroid issues.  Wha?  Poor Cynthia, did the Skewl for Wayward Models completely deplete her self-worth?

Speaking of rickety marriages, Phaedra has her own crosses to bear.  This season, she dealt with baby brain, mortuary school, lawyering, and Apollo “check my charges” doing home renovations as part of his work release program.  They bring the lout out, and Apollo is dressed like he fell ass backward into the bargain bin at TJ Maxx.  He claims that rumors of separation are not true and they are in counseling.  Phaedra says it’s going “umm…good”, but she pauses just long enough to be unconvincing.  While Apollo slings his Neanderthal arm around her, practically pulling off her fake hair bun, she makes sure she has her divorce attorney on speed dial.  Phaedra isn’t comfortable putting her marriage out there as “TV fodder”, but Apollo has no qualms announcing that he “got the ol’ Phaedra back three nights ago.”  He continues muttering while Phaedra tries to answer questions and she finally has to shush him.  OHAC asks about his charges and Apollo turns the focus on Kenya and claims “I built you”, meaning he installed that horrific butt implant was her story line.

Apollo-Phaedra

They start re-hashing text-gate, AGAIN, and Phaedra calls Kenya a “sneaky, trifling, slut.”  Apollo claims Kenya is still texting him, and then what happens is something so amazingly, head-spinningly good…Phaedra, in a masterstroke of unwavering southern belle bitchery, delivers the MUTHA OF ALL READS…

“She has nothing else going on, she spends her weekends peddling through sperm banks, looking through catalogs trying to find a donor, honey you don’t know if your baby daddy is an ax murderer or child molester because what you will know is that he needed $10 to get him a medium sized pizza so he ejaculated into a cup so you can have a kid, now check that.”

DAYYYYUM!  DUCK AND COVER…VERBAL BOMB OF OBLITERATION HAS DETONATAED!  HANG ON TO YOUR WEAVES!

phaedra-sperm-bank-quote

Photo credit:  straightfromthea.com

Apollo giggles like a ten year old “you need to get your toe nails done, ‘cuz they’re dirty!”  Yea, no…not quite the insult needed to punctuate his wife’s supremely orchestrated read.

3.  Bring on the Hubbies

Todd, Papa Smurf, and Gregg have joined the stage and we start by dissecting Peter.  You can call him Uncle Ben or Papa Smurf, but please don’t call him a bitch.  Cynthia defends her hubby for having an opinion, and Peter takes a bite of an unripe peach that really challenges his dentures.  It’s clear he is lobbying for position as housewife.  Gregg pipes in and defends Nene, “she never called Peter a bitch she said he was acting like a bitch.”   Acting, is the operative word that makes Nene’s crappy behavior okay.

PeterPeach

Todd the opportunist gets the opportunity to addresses the opportunist statements and he feels the people talking smack were trying to get on the show.  Therefore, they were the opportunists!  He found the Mama Joyce drama very disturbing since she is after all, his mother in law.  Something tells me the Mama Joyce drama ain’t over.

4.  Pillow Brawl

We revisit pillow brawl, which is more petty re-hashing and Nene and Kenya going at it like rabid goats.  Kenya calls Nene “dust”, while Nene relies on her ol’ standby “Miss Ratchet U.S.A.”  On the other side of the couch, Apollo claims he spoke to Brandon at length and apologized for beating him mercilessly as if they were in a prison yard fighting over a pair of fresh undies.  Apollo claims that he shouldn’t have acted that way because he is a “role model” and many children look up to him.  Okay, let’s take this apart at the seams, shall we?  He shouldn’t be acting like that because it’s not okay to jump into a fight that has nothing to do with you and beat someone on a beanbag chair while you are on camera.  Secondary to this ridiculous statement, who are these poor children with no better role model than Apollo “check my charges” Nida?  He is so stupid, I can’t stand it.

OHAC addresses Nene calling Brandon “Queen” and she apologizes for offending anyone in the gay community and she asks OHAC “do I need to pull down your pants and kiss your ass?”  She has either genuinely become a full-blown asshole or she is having a really shitty day.

We are treated to some behind the scenes footage between Phaedra and Apollo after he beat on Brandon.  The truth comes out that Phaedra and Kandi thought the pajama party was odd and didn’t feel comfortable.  Nene was prancing around “the star isn’t here yet”, sarcastically referring to Keyna.  Nene has no equivocations on who is the star of this show, and she is snapping necks and cashing checks to prove it.  This sends Kenya and Nene into yet another dueling match about who owns what and then Gregg is behind Nene pantomiming driving a car.  Because I guess they own their car and don’t have to finance things.  Ugh.  Nene whips out her latest term and calls Kenya “Miss funk box”, which I am guessing is a slam on her aging vagina.  Kenya makes a gesture, calls Nene “Dust” which I am guessing is a slam on her relevance, her age, or the powder in her horrifying wig.

FunkBox

At this time, OHAC wraps it up (thank GOD) and reminds us to tune in to Bravo for Kandi’s wedding special.  Thanks for reading and following me on this magical, uh-may-zing journey.  I’m taking a long break until the bat-shit Jersey girls return!

Moose Tracks

Well it’s round two, and I feel like I’m livin’ inside a pinball machine, let’s break it down into our top four lowlights:

1.  Violence is Frowned Upon?

OHAC consulted with the Bravo legal team and pulled a CYA move, noting that violence is not condoned in any way, shape, or form. Really, OHAC? You must have blacked out during every RHNJ reunion. Violence will not be condoned…Phooey. It’s what this dayum “Housewives” franchise was built upon! Anyway, the legal team sent Porsha home to think about what she did and she must write a five-page paper by Monday explaining why her actions were wrong. Nene goes on a rant about props being in “violation” and notes that Kenya was out of line for getting into Porsha’s personal space. Take it from the master of getting up in a grill…

Nene-DwightFace

Kenya thinks her props were all in good fun and Porsha’s issues are farther, wider, and deeper than a harmless scepter of death and insults being spewed through an annoying bullhorn. Kenya knows how to handle herself and can twirl away from a conflict before her anger spins out of control, clearly, she is the bigger person. She laments her childhood, “having to fight all my life”, Kandi snickers from across the couch, “Is this ‘The Color Purple?’”

2.  High School Reunion

The question arises about whether or not Nene and Phaedra knew each other from back in the day. Really, who the eff cares? We get off on a tangent about the Athens trip with Chuck, “The Big Homey”, which leads us to another opportunity to slam Chuck and his bite sized brownie. Then we get to the rumor Nene spread about Phaedra being called the “Head Doctor”. I guess we conclude that Nene knew of Phaedra, but they weren’t getting drunk in a closet somewhere while braiding each other’s hair. Nene actually apologized for perpetuating the abhorrent rumor and Phaedra spoke up to defend herself. That nickname was not hers, and anyone that knew her would testify that she was certainly no “slut bucket”, she was the smartest girl in her class. Hey, even smart girls have hidden talents. Anyhoo, Kenya pipes up about the term “head doctor” being listed in court documents surrounding Phaedra. Phaedra tries to shush her by pointing out that Kenya can’t get a husband. Kenya snipes back about Apollo straying and Phaedra quips back “not with you, barren women”.

3.  Ain’t No Mama Crazy Enough

We revisit Mama Joyce’s bucket o’ crazy outbursts and she comes out to take a seat. OHAC compliments her on looking ravishing in her pink dress. Mama claims she lost 40 pounds on the “I Hate Todd Tucker Stress Diet”, and she adds that she is “waiting on her peach”, as if she is going to become a full time cast member. Mama is a boatload o’ crazy tonight, if I didn’t know any better, I would say someone slipped her a mickey back in the green room.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta - Season 6

Everyone is laughing at Mama as if she is funny, but this is wrong on so many bath salt smoking levels. Mama keeps waffling about the Todd controversy and now claims she doesn’t have anything against him. She denies trying to set him up, she isn’t “pulling any of that James Bond” shit. She just can’t get over the fact that she raised Kandi to be a millionaire and a meager “hundredaire” stole her away. The only redeeming part of this segment is that Kandi puts Mama on blast for having a Home Shopping Network spending problem and a gambling problem. Kandi’s voice is shaking as she confronts her Mama and Mama claims she went through a lot to make sure her kids had the best. She turns to Nene and says if she had the body, she would have been swingin’ on the pole too, instead of pulling 12-hour shifts in a pie factory. It’s clear that no lessons have been learned here, Mama is still all about the Benjamins.

4.  Breaking Up is Hard to Do

It’s time to dissolve a contrived friend contract, Cynthia and Nene have reached the end of the road. Cynthia has been a loyal friend, although it’s been misconstrued as living deep up in Nene’s butt. The two have not been speaking, but Nene claims they squashed the beef and now the airing of the show has busted the sutures. Cynthia feels there isn’t any mutual respect and she starts to break down. Nene gives her best “f*ck you” stone face and refuses to discuss the friendship in this forum. Kandi and Kenya both try to get through to Nene, but she ain’t havin’ it. OHAC also points out that Nene has had several fallouts, Wigs-N-Cigs, She by Shereé, and Marlo “Check My Charges” Hampton. The common denominator is YOU, LENETHIA LEAKES! It looks like the Human Resources intern needs to sit Nene down and review her job description. Certainly, Nene isn’t comfortable because Cynthia has backup and Nene can’t traipse all over her. At this point, Cynthia clearly has no f*cks left to give and is ready to move on. Nene is completely self-unaware and is ready to walk, but Kenya throws out one last jab, “the moose has spoken”, and so it goes. Meanwhile, Phaedra keeps whispering prayers to Jesus on her end of the couch, but not even Jesus can mend this hot ass mess.

Cynthia-Crying

Next week the hubbies join the stage and Nene coins a new term, “funk box”.