Will the Real Flat Marc Please Stand Up?

Everyone is poppin’ their corks this week!  After the fight between Nene and Porsha won’t come to an end, Marlo “check my charges”, drags Nene away while covering her mouth.  Funny how the tables have turned!  A few reunions ago, Nene was covering Porsha’s mouth to keep her from poppin’ off on Kenya!  Dayum, these bitches be figtin’ for 10 seasons, it’s bound to come full circle.  Kenya, Kandi, and Cynthia leave with Nene, as the elevator doors close, Nene and her wily bun run amok shout “THE DOOR IS CAAAHHH-LOSED!”  SBS and her Atomic Blonde wig feel bad for Porsha, although she completely instigated this whole blow up.  I feel bad for SBS and her poor wiglette choices.

Porsha is on the hot mess express to a total meltdown, not to be confused with the underground railroad tepid calamity express.  She doesn’t seem to have the chops to be on this show.  Kandi gets the line of the night: “Y’all made us leave before our food came!”  Guuuuurrrrl after my own heart!  Nene can’t shut up, she is outraged with the white-hot intensity of 1,000 cinnabuns.

Everyone sleeps it off and they reconvene the next day in full hangover gear – baggy clothing, hats, and large sunglasses.  Nene is already at the bar gettin’ her drank on.  SBS hopes Nene has reinforced her bun with extra bobby pins, but she is sporting a high pony, which is essentially the leftover, undone bun.  Although Porsha may rip that pony right off her scalp as if she’s starting a lawn mower.

All aboard the trolley to hell, Kenya discusses leaving early to bury her grandmother.  Porsha gets teary eyed and excuses herself, Cynthia heads to the back of the trolley to be sure she is all right and relays her own story of being put through the emotional threshing machine that is Nene Leakes.

Porsha trolley

They jump off at Fisherman’s Wharf and take a photo in front of Alcatraz, which is a perfect segue for the ladies to gossip about SBS’ love interest Tyrone.  Nene knows him from “way back” and he is a known con-artist who stole $4 million from his company.  Kandi expresses concern about Chateau Shereé around the likes of such a cunning man-friend, and Kenya can’t resist a dig, “well it’s not in her name, so…”  Chateau Thelma is SAFE!  Meanwhile, SBS, Marlo, and Porsha meandered down to Chinatown, where you get off the trolley and it feels like Tokyo!  How did you get there Porsha?  Underground railroad, wrong continent!  While in Chinatown, they ponder the vegan-ness of fortune cookies and decide to purchase some cheap props to throw a mock wedding for Kenya for the purpose of passive-aggressively cheering her up before sending her off to her grandmother’s funeral.

Later at the hotel, Marlo has reserved a conference room in the business center to stage the mock wedding, complete with a carboard cut out with a question Marc on the face.  Yes, ladies and gents… it’s “Flat Marc”.  There is some concern about how Kenya will respond, but Kandi reminds us that Kenya did throw a tasteless divorce party on the last Bravo mandated getaway to the depths of hell-fire.  Porsha has recruited a bunch of men in spandex to serve as mock-guests, and they are equipped with fake doves to fling at the bride.  The stand-in groomsman is wearing a “Henny” shirt, gold lame sneakers, and his best DERP face.  In case you missed it:

ceremony

Surprisingly, Kenya takes it like a champ, but leave Porsha to drop Flat Marc on the floor during the ceremony.  YOU HAD ONE JOB!  After the joke is over, Porsha pulls Kandi aside to apologize again, but bitch ain’t havin’ it, nor should she.

Flat Marc

The final day of the trip, SBS decides that a four-hour commute to Napa is in order.  JESUS.  TAKE.  THE.  WHEEL.  AND.  WHATEVER.  MECHANISM.  WITH.  WHICH.  A.  TRAIN. IS.  DRIVEN.  On the hot mess express, Porsha gets waylaid in the bathroom because she had to bust a deuce.  She gets stuck with the last seat in the train car, directly across from her two arch-enemies, Kenya and Kandi.  Porsha orders a vegan meal and Kandi and Kenya give her about another week before she’s tearin’ into some chicken wangs like a savage wildebeest.  Kandi agrees that Porsha can benefit from any type of diet and says out loud “You was gettin’ a li’l chunky”.  HOLD UP – I suppose we can let that one slide, Kandi, ‘cuz you was pregnant for 18 months [oh wait, that was Phaedra], but c’mon guuurrrrl.  Who here can’t miss a meal?!  Who has Domino’s on speed dial?  Anyhoo – Kenya starts going on about how her husband likes her smaller, toned smaller, hates makeup, he loves strong, successful women, but she can’t be an alpha woman at home.  Welp – I give Porsha’s vegan diet better odds than this marriage.  Does Flat Marc realize whom he has married?  At the other table, SBS discusses Tyrone, Nene asks if “he gonna come by trickin’ stocks”, but SBS assures us all, he is in da’ joint for wire and securities fraud only.

The train is finally at the station, and they roll up to the Raymond vineyard.  The host, Jean-Charles, hands Porsha the Sabre to cut the neck of the Champagne bottle.  Ummm… Jean-Charles, maybe you didn’t receive a copy of the itinerary, but this woman should not be handed sharp objects.  Surprisingly, Porsha sabres the champagne bottle on the first try.  Kenya decides to point out the single ladies so that JC can focus his flirting on them.  He feeds the single ladies bunches of grapes, Porsha and Cynthia daintily take a grape, but Marlo “check my charges”, hoovers it down like she’s Monica Lewinsky.  SBS makes an astute observation, now we know how Marlo affords all her designer clothes and fancy cars.  Jean-Charles announces that he’s married and has two daughters.  Porsha’s whole demeanor shifts, “c’mon with the tour, chile!”

grapes - marlo

They take their shoes off to smash the grapes in tubs and Porsha wigs out because she arrives at the startling realization that she has been swilling down “feet juice” all this time.  Nene declines the grape smushing, citing the most amazeballs excuse I’ve ever heard, “I don’t want to get my big toe wet”.  I’m filing that one in my rolodex of excuses not to do something!

After Kenya leaves the group, the ladies head out to a special dinner at the vineyard.  Jean-Charles serves them a wine they make with John Legend, Nene immediately tweets “who do I have to blow for a case of John Legend’s wine!?!?”  Haha, where is Wigs-n-Cigs when you need her?

SBS toasts to Kandi’s recent Essence magazine cover, Kandi reveals that she and Todd did a drive-by of Flat Marc’s restaurant while in NYC, but they did not go inside.  Perfect segue for the ladies to question the existence of Flat Marc and Marlo takes a quick show of hands on who thinks the marriage is real.  Cynthia ain’t havin’ it and she walks out, Nene follows her out to diminish her feelings and basically tell her there’s no reason to be upset.  So… I guess poppin’ off in a rage-fueled, bun-unraveling, outburst is better?  Cynthia understands the marriage situation isn’t normal, but she’s trying to respect Kenya’s process with it, pursuant to section VIII, 15.8 (d) of the Friendship Contract.  Cynthia returns to the table and finally admits that she is hurt that Kenya didn’t invite her to the wedding and that she still hasn’t met the real Flat Marc.

Slim shady

Next week:  Cynthia confronts Kenya about Marc, Porsha starts dating and may go for some white meat, and Kandi confronts Cynthia’s boyfriend Will about appearing on the Steve Harvey show for dating.

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San Francisco Treat

We pick up right where we left off at the “LETMETELLYOUSOMETHINGBITCH” party, where everyone has lost their dayum minds.  Kenya and Wigs-n-Cigs are goin’ at it like two cats on a waffle iron.  Wigs is completely unhinged, and I’m talkin’ Apollo darting around with a power drill unhinged.  Unhinged, unhinged.  Kroy rushes in, wearing his same jeans from 2002 – clearly, it’s time for the designated driver to fulfil his duty and save this beyotch from her poor decision making.  Her red solo cup runneth down her gullet one too many times.  Wigs ends up chucking her perfectly good iPhone across the room, destroying some glassware in the process.  Nene has a valid point however, “you can’t be postin’ stuff about your own chile suckin’ dick and then be mad when someone says your chile is suckin’ a dick.”  Truer words have never been spoken.  Poor Gregg, all he was hoping for out of this “Shucked Seafood Soirée” was to shuffle around, maybe sneak a plate of clams casino into the man cave, and wash down his nine different heart medications with a Moscow Mule.

Hold back Wigs

Over at Porsha Palace, Porsha and Lauren have moved on to naming and creating backstories for each of their wiglettes.  Suddenly, a knock at the door… it’s SBS, Wigs, and their chaperone King Kroy.  They dragged their dumb assess all the way to this side of town, might as well stop off and collude with Kenya’s arch enemy.  Porsha can’t handle all the messiness and demands her assistant bring her a tumbler of Hennessey.  Wigs actually appears to be legit drunk, she gets the story all twisted and now alleges that Kenya said she was pimpin’ out Brielle to get John Legend tickets for her “injured son.”  Kenya is getting the full vilification treatment here, I hope she had a Groupon!

Nene has her intern sweep up the glass and then the dust mites sit down to settle and re-hash.  Cynthia has lost her spine again and defends Kenya six ways from Sunday.  I have to admit, Kenya behaved for the most part and tried to keep a lid on it until she just couldn’t control herself any longer.  Cynthia is acting like a kindergarten teacher – Now Nene, I want you to acknowledge that Kenya was on best behavior tonight and she deserves a gold star next to her name on the board.  Nene is having none of this and senses a serious issue with her former BFF Cynthia.  Girl ain’t woke.

Kandi has returned to town and she hangs out with Don Juan, worrying about her “bad mom” anxiety.  In the same breath that she says she worries about not spending enough time with Baby Ace, she accepts the offer from SBS to get away for the healing San Francisco girls trip from hell.  SBS doesn’t let the visit slide by without spilling some tea, Kandi is already howling with laughter when she hears that SBS brought Wigs-n-Cigs to Nene’s party.  SBS gives the play by play, Don Juan (who has no dog in this fight) doesn’t even believe Kenya would say anything about Wigs’ “injured son”.  Screw the bad mom anxiety, Kandi is ALL IN for this trip.

Kandi - Ace

Cynthia and Noelle go to a cupcake decorating shop because their conversations are so boring, they need to base them around a bizarre activity.  Cynthia is elbow deep in baby pink buttercream when Noelle tells her that she is not moving to Charlotte after all because she wants to live her own life first before committing to a man.  I’m glad she is being a smart, independent, young lady!  Cynthia, on the other hand, has her snare in full force and effect, “where there’s a Will there’s a way” and she wants him to go Cynthia’s way.

We learn that Kenya’s grandmother passed away, who was the one who essentially raised her.  Cynthia stops by to offer some badly dressed consolation.  Kenya is taking solace in the fact that Marc met her grandmother before she passed and feels that she held on until she knew Kenya had found love.  Nice sentiment, now throw your glad rags and a suitcase and get to the airport!

Meanwhile, across town in another packing for the Bravo mandated trip from hell montage, Nene is concocting her evil brew.  She has invited Marlo as her plus one under the guise of Marlo having a trip to California already planned, to go see a man about a horse.  Yea, that’s their story and their sticking to it.  Nene is already planting evil seeds about “Cynthia and her wig need to calm down” and Porsha “the door is CLOSED!”  Nene is ready to start some shit, so she needs a non-peach holder in her corner.

As the ladies are riding in the limo to the hotel, Kenya decides to play a game of when was the last time you had relations with a man!  This is totes stupid, but I am thankful for the super juicy nugget derived from this scene.  Oh yes, SBS is seeing someone, she’s in love, but she is not having any physical contact with said love interest.  WHY, you ask dear reader, WHY?  Oh because PRISON IS WHY!  Does Jack Daniels know about this?!?!?  Can’t she arrange for a conjugal visit?!?!  GOOD LORD – I guess the heart wants what it wants, but DAYUM Shereé.  We just moved past Bob, the Chateau is built has baseboards and is semi-furnished, just WHY?  Prison wear by Shereé?  Who knows, maybe Tyrone feels like a safe place for SBS – he behind bars so he can’t lie, cheat, leave dirty dishes in the sink, or stink up the Chateau with his heinous man farts.

They arrive at Hotel Via and Nene smells weed.  She sniffs it out and arrives at Marlo’s room, the two take a hit and head off for dinner.  Marlo is dressed like an over the hill Playboy bunny.  The funniest thing here is that SBS hasn’t even changed out of her airplane sweats, but the fact that Kandi is pissed because she had to wait two hours for chicken fingers when all the while, SBS had no intention of even changing her clothes.  Anyhoo, before anyone can take a dayum drink, SBS launches into the shit stirring.  Um, yeah, so Nene… Porsha… heard you two have some issues, DISCUSS!  Nene and Porsha start going back and forth, which has to be the funniest exchange since the Teresa – Joe Re-Done home exchange (See RHNJ – “Cool as a Whistle”).  These two are basically employing the toddler tactic whereby they repeat the same thing the other says.  Allow me to demonstrate:

Nene:  I’m not upset, you’re upset.

Porsha:  So you’re angry.

Nene:  No, you’re angry.

Porsha:  So you were angry.

Nene:  You’re the one that’s in anger management!

Porsha:  You need to be!

Nene:  You need to be!

Nene-Porsha Argue

ROLL THE TAPES, ROLL ‘EM BACK!  ROLL THE TAPES!  HANGRY!  WHERE’S MY POWER DRILL?!?!

If Nene’s top-knot is any indicator, she is madder than a cat in a pillowcase.  Her top-knot is unraveling like an undercooked Cinnabon, along with her psyche.  Top-knot ninja, Marlo, sneaks in, gently rewinds the bun, making it look a tad better and more secure in the process.  Ahh Marlo, you grow on us like the fungus we never knew we wanted.

The F-Bombs start flying and we end there.  Next week, Cynthia consoles Porsha, Nene calls SBS new boo a con-artist, and more shit talk about Kenya.

Seeing White

This holiday season, my red Solo cup runneth over.  Yes, the big moment has arrived – the return of Kim Zolciak, a.k.a. Wigs-n-Cigs!  And let me say, dear readers, she does not disappoint!  Let’s get into it, so we can get straight to the stuff that dreams are made of!

Jack Daniels is making a Chateau house call, he and SBS sit down for a quick sesh, SBS still hasn’t had her discussion with her children and the Coalition for Domestic Violence has asked her to do some public speaking.  Jack Daniels warns she is putting the cart before the horse – speak to your children first before you go public as the face for domestic violence.  Jack seems to give her a pass on the past-due assignment and gives her an easy assignment for spring break, he senses that SBS needs some “me time”, damnit!  Go to a hotel, sip some Jack Daniels, and order up some fried chicken and mac-n-cheeze!

Kandi is making her exit from the drama this week and she heads out to NYC to shoot a cover for Essence Magazine.  Don Juan shows up to assist Kandi with packing since Carmon is no longer running point on this project.  He’s completely befuddled as he stares into her empty Hello Kitty suitcase, oh and by the way… they have no hotel reserved in NYC.  Kandi suggests they check out Trump Towner since nobody is staying there anymore.  Yea Kandi, only you and the Russian Mafia.

When Kandi arrives at Essence, we get to see her without makeup.  Let’s just say high def TV is not her friend.  The village people get her fixed right up and she kills it.  The editor drops in on the shoot and informs Kandi this will be the “confidence” issue.  I am “confident” that Kandi will be exiting this show soon.  I think the debacle of last season has taken its toll.

Kandi Essence

Lauren finally returns to Porsha Palace, but since Jack Daniels isn’t available, they settle for their cousin Tiffany to mediate their latest sister drama.  Porsha smooths is over and they chalk it up to single mother stress, until the next meltdown.  There is no Jack Daniels life coaching going on here, Porsha Palace Enterprises relies solely on Hennessey to do the heavy lifting.  Later, the two get down to bidness and contemplate which wig styles will pay for their children’s college educations.

Nene and Gregg are shuffling around their McMansion after his return home from the hospital.  Gregg has no blockage, just a pesky, irregular heartbeat he inherited from his father.  Nene is actually seen here without makeup, lookin’ like an average person you see fondling produce down at the Publix.  Gregg jokes that maybe his health issues are due to Nene wearing him out, yea that’s just the tip of this iceberg.  Rather than tend to Gregg’s health, Nene decides to sit down with some friends, Mynique and Brandon – not to be confused with Kenya’s gay accessory Brandon.  They are helping Nene plan an oddly specific themed party, “All White Never Forget Girls and Gays Event, HUNNI!”  The longer the name of the party theme, the bigger the cluster f*ck of epic proportion.  Brandon isn’t entirely down with the “never forget” theme, but it’s the perfect segue to discuss slow, dingy Porsha who can’t remember she has been to Nene’s house before.  Porsha isn’t on the guest list, but rather the Nene DGAF list.

Kenya and SBS meet up for a spin class.  The most valuable thing we learn here, dear reader, is not that they have cleared up their messiness, but that SBS wears a size 10 shoe.  After the workout, the sit down for a smoothie and Kenya asks SBS to assist her with a PSA for domestic violence.  SBS will check her schedule and list of conflicts of interest and have her people get back to Kenya’s people.  During the sitting, SBS receives a text from Nene inviting her to the “All White Never Forget” theme party.

When Cynthia isn’t tied up at the Bailey Skewl for Wayward Models, she is busy with her new flame, Will.  She meets him for some mid-day ice cream where they have chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.  What in the love of all that is good and decent?!?!?  Someone get these two to 31 Flavors… STAT!  Will informs Cynthia that his Google alerts on himself are blowing up.  How on earth did he end up mentioned in all of these trashy blogs?!?!  DERP FACE… I dunno, you showed your dumb ass on a Bravo Real Housewives show, what did you expect Will I Am, Regretting What I’ve Gotten Myself Into!  Cynthia gives him the “duck and cover” crash course of being in the d-list public eye.  Important to note here – Cynthia also has minimal makeup on and she is the only one on this cast who can pull it off.  She always looks totally amazing.  Will doesn’t seem too disturbed that he is about to board the Real Housewives roller coaster descent into the deepest level of hell and he’s ready to visit Lake Bailey inside and out!  Cynthia promises he can come over for dinner, sometime… soon.

Cynthia - Will

It’s the day of Nene’s party with the ever-lengthening theme, “Girls and Gays Never Forget All White Party Seafood Soirée” rolls up on the banner at the bottom of the screen.  Oh Bravo intern, how you mess with our minds!  The shirtless men from Shamea’s bridal shower are filing in and a very special guest arrives in her bath robe and slippers.  It’s none other than Marlo “check my charges” Hampton!  She and Nene ran into each other a few weeks ago and argued in a parking lot for 30-minutes over a handicapped parking spot, but hey girrrl, hey, they worked it out and Nene invited her to the “All white, how could you forget, this event is going to be a tumbledown shit show, shucked seafood soirée!”

Meanwhile, across town, SBS drops by to pick up Wigs-n-Cigs and prep for the “All white, how could you forget, trot out your favorite gay friend as if he/she were an out-dated hair scrunchi, and c’mon down to the parade of unstable slut-tards event!”.  They fill their Solo Cups full o’ boxed wine and get down to the de-briefing.  Nene doesn’t know Wigs is coming, but SBS is bringing Wigs as her gay party guest, since Wigs plays for both teams.  This party theme has officially gone off the rails.  Wigs warns SBS that Nene may slam the door in their faces because Wigs busted Nene out parking her Bentley in a handicapped spot at TJ Maxx.

It is here in this scene, SBS is laying foundation for the Bravo mandated cast trip from the depths of hellfire, with her newfound freedom she thinks the girls should take a trip.  Wigs is totally down, but wants to know more about the “dumb beyotch” she met at Chateau Shereé (this means you, Kenya).  Wigs heard she married a man-fan and she’s tryna start a family with 46 year-old eggs!  Wigs-n-Cigs has her fightin’ spanx on tonight!

Cynthia and Derek J. arrive at the party, grab some chicken wings, and sit down for some real talk – Derek J. isn’t a fan of Nene’s party theme, he finds it a bit offensive.  PREACH!  But nevertheless, he will participate, because umm… chicken drummies and mini-tacos.  Marlo walks over and thank goodness for thick, meaty thighs because her dress was slit so high, you could almost see her hoo-ha.

Nene spots Wigs across the pool and Kenya is already calling for SECURITY!  Nene invites the girls to navigate the turf in their 6” stilettos and hobble inside to cool off and simultaneously heat things up.  Wigs calls Nene out for parking in the handicapped space and Nene claims she was with her imaginary friend who happens to be handicapped.  Marlo asks Kenya when she will meet the new husband and Wigs decides to poke the bear “it ain’t gonna f*ckin’ happen bitch, because he don’t exist!”  Wigs keeps muttering “it ain’t gonna happen, he doesn’t f*ckin’ exist” under her breath, on a loop.  She is out for blood and Kenya can’t hold back any longer.  Kenya takes a jab about Wigs having a “hard on” for her, “didn’t they cut that thing off during your reassignment surgery?”  Annnnd…. it’s on like Ping Pong!  Kenya plays her Ace and slams Wigs for pimping out her daughter for John Legend tickets.  In case you missed it:

Kim twitter

Both ladies jump to their heels – LETMETELLYOUSOMETHINGBITCH!  And if you aren’t chortling your head off right now, you must be heavily sedated.  Both ladies need to be restrained, and then we are met with the dreaded phrase that sends me into a deep chasm of despair… “to be continued”!

Kim fight

Jive Talkin’

This episode was a bit of a snooze-fest, there was very little by way of drama and the cast-mates actually didn’t behave like rabid lemurs.  The theme this week is party at Chateau Shereé – 70’s theme birthday party for Velma, who is turning 70!  #seewhatSBSdidthere?

Cynthia is busily swiping away on her Tinder app and she happens upon hunky Will, who has cheekbones to rival her own.  She throws on some old pajamas Papa Smurf left behind and heads out for a cocktail.  Will is 41, he’s a sassy Capricorn, and knows all the right things to say.  He’s never been married, but he has one broken engagement and a daughter to show for it!  He offers to show Cynthia a picture of said daughter, but dadgummit, he doesn’t swear and never brings his phone on a date!  Cynthia is sucking up this Mr. Smooth act like it’s black tar heroin.  Later, Kenya gives Cynthia dating advice, “go slow” and assume Mr. Smooth is definitely seeing other women.  I think I heard the collective sigh America – yes, Kenya giving dating advice, go slow, don’t marry him until the third date.

Cynthia date

In other Kenya news, her dog King has peed on her wedding dress so she decides to leave 432 voice mail messages for her invisible husband.  The voice mail bitch keeps cutting her off… “I’m sorry, your message was entirely too long and vapid, please try again.”

Is it me or does the Kandi Koated Factory seem like the place where nobody does any actual work?  They all sit in the alarmingly disproportionate furniture for the space, gossip about Kandi’s cast-mates, and hold staff meetings that never resolve anything.  Kandi’s trusty assistant, Carmon, is starting her own insurance bidness being financed by some Kandi Koated Koin.  Key takeaway?  Don Juan can’t f*ck up this empire all by himself, he needs some qualified help.  I hear Lauren may be looking for a new gig…

Porsha, Lauren, and their mother are far too lazy to actually exercise, so the dump a fortune at a day spa for a body wrap.  When the technician finishes wrapping them up and advises that they need to get on the cardio equipment for optimal results, Porsha stares at the woman with disdain, as if she had thrown all of Baby Vegan’s meat away!  Porsha’s ass fat pops out and they jump around on some mini-tramps for three minutes.

Porsha wrapped

Somewhere in all this foolishness, Porsha calls a meeting with her business consultant.  He walks into the coffee shop to meet Porsha and Lauren and his first words are “what idea do we have now?”.  Clearly, he is no stranger to the Porsha Williams hare-brained idea mill, which was originally constructed after the collapse of the underground railroad.  Porsha wants to open a hair salon within three months and she can bounce a rent check for up to $10,000 per month.  The real estate agent has also joined them and asks for a business model and plan – Porsha and Lauren look at each other like, “maybe the Baby Vegan ate our bidness plan!”  The two men leave to return to their actual jobs, the Bravo intern slips them both a C-Note for appearing.  Porsha and Lauren have the same fight they had last season, Lauren is tired of being paid in circus peanuts from her bossy, asshole sister and Porsha is tired of being called an asshole by her ungrateful little sister.  Porsha flies into a rage and Lauren walks out yelling “screw you!”  So much for focusing on family!

It’s about four hours before Velma’s birthday party and it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for, when SBS unleashes her heretofore contained hellfire on the party planner.  The party planner sends SBS a passive-aggressive text regarding the tension between them, which doesn’t align with her business practices, therefore f*ck you and by the way, you will need to pick up your own table linens.  HA – consider yourself checked, BOO!

Check me boo

SBS calls the party planner and goes right into voice mail, there is no flip out and I’m not sure I like all this life coachin’ nonsense SBS is ingesting by way of Jack Daniels.  SBS leaves a message – she’s about to tear up, this is her mother’s big day, this disco ball and restaurant grade bug zapper aren’t going to install themselves!

Cynthia and Nene meet over at Moore Manor to pre-party and help Kenya select an outfit.  Nene is more concerned about assessing Baby’s closet containing clothing with tags still on, rather than worrying about her own hubby who is in the hospital with chest pains and numbness.  The party must go on, Nene can be late getting to his bedside tomorrow!

Everyone arrives at the party and things seem to have come together without the party planner.  SBS is getting her Donna Summer on, but she looks more like Pam Grier.  All the ladies have a good time, dancin’ the night away.  Kenya dropped down into the splits in the Soul Train line.  I hope she didn’t tear a labia!  All this rented spandex makes me wanna bathe in germ squirt.

Kenya dancing

Anyhoo – this is a momentous occasion, a RHATL first.  An actual social event being held for a legitimate reason and no fisticuffs in the party or the parking lot!  Stay tuned, next week looks like the drama ramps up – Kandi gets an Essence Magazine cover, Cynthia continues to date Mr. I’m Smooth until I’m not, and the return of Wigs-n-Cigs results in a Clash of the Titans.

Where’s the Beef?

The Bravo intern has finally churned out the lackluster taglines, here we go:

  • NeNe: “Ten years in the game, and I’m still the tastiest peach in Atlanta!”
  • Porsha: “Friends come and go, but family is forever.”
  • Cynthia: “Age is just a number, but these cheekbones are timeless!”
  • Kandi: Don’t mess with the boss, ‘cause you might get fired!”
  • Kenya: “While some were saying ‘I can’t,’ I was saying ‘I do!’ ”
  • Shereé: “Call me a bad server, because I always spill the tea!”

I think Kandi’s takes the golden peach of all that is juicy, no doubt that is a direct BURN headed straight for Phaedra Sparks Counselor Parks!  She messed with the bull last season and got the horns.  So let’s get to the meat of this shit sangwich, shall we?

Porsha is having her sister and niece move in to her McMans, apparently Lauren’s baby daddy has checked out, SHOCKING!  It’s time for the Bravo patented, “rehashin’ in da kitchen” scene, whereby Porsha fills in her family on her latest drama for paychex.  Porsha’s mother is barely listening, she is too busy trying to corner a tomato in her salad bowl.  Next time, slice the tomato in half so that slippery sucker won’t continue to elude you!  Later, Porsha decides she’s going vegan and she disposes of all meat in her house, and can we have a moment of silence for the BACONATOR!?!?  You know street urchin will garbage-pick that machine in an ATL minute!  Lauren recommends Porsha go vegan for at least six months and then freeze her eggs, right now her eggs are full of Hennessey and in the middle of a bar fight!

Porsha meat

Meanwhile, across town, Cynthia is meeting a man about a chicken… turns out it’s a date with Norbit!  Her date, Evan, is like 12 years old, but that doesn’t stop this cougar from getting her photo-shoot on and a free meal.  She and Evan engage in this corny photo shoot, all the sudden he leads her to another room for dinner and she has a completely different hairdo.  Someone fire the continuity editor, STAT!  We learn that Evan is only 29 and Cynthia asks if his father might be single and hot.

Norbit

SBS walks into an office building and, this next part completely made this 10 seasons of f*cked up insanity all worth it… I give you life coach, Jack Daniels.  Yea, let that sink into your psyche for a moment.  Rest assured my dear reader, he has no connection to the libation of destruction and mayhem.  SBS is meeting with Jack Daniels to discuss her deep-rooted issues regarding Bob, the abusive years.  She’s still very emotional over it and wants to get to the point where she won’t cry when she thinks about it.  Sidebar:  There’s a wedding photo on Jack Daniels’ credenza and it looks like Kenya!  Jack gives SBS a homework assignment to rehearse how she wants to have this conversation with her kids and to burn that fried, dyed, on the side, atomic blonde wiglette.  Clearly that wiglette is from the Wigs-n-Cigs season one collection.

rhoa-sheree-wig-min

Kandi offers her guest house as a neutral rehearsal venue – SBS and friends sit down to have the tough conversation and the scenes are edited to give the appearance that this is taking about 10 hours.

Kenya and Cynthia go for a walk, Cynthia is bummed that Kenya went off and got married.  She thought the two of them would both be single, trollin’ for eligible, sexual chocolate, and rippin’ it up together.  Now all Cynthia has is her damn lake.  We learn that Chef Roble introduced Kenya to her hubby in Brooklyn NY.  Baby is a very private person and he’s struggling with being married to a reality starlette.  Later, Kenya is playing dress up in her closet, re-living her wedding.  Kenya gets Brandon on the horn and complains about the public fodder via the online trolls.  Sidebar:  Eye spy with my little eye, a “Moore Manor” pillow!  Brandon dispenses some of his sage advice, “they can go kick rocks, suck a f*ckin’ egg-roll, cut out the noise.”  Everything he just said, I want to get tattooed on my body.  Kenya starts crying off-camera to her producer/handler, I give this marriage six months before it free-falls into a fiery abyss.  FIST BUMP!

Kenya vail

Kandi and Shamea are shopping for some African wedding wear because she is getting married in Kenya Africa and the rehearsal dinner will be held in the bush.  SBS pops into the mix, but she will only be attending the bridal shower.  This gives the gals the perfect segue to gossip about why Porsha won’t be at the wedding, she claimed the first-class tickets are $10,000.  Kandi got her ticket for $5,000, so what’s the big deal.  Dayum Porsha, take the underground railroad!

It’s the big day of Shamea’s bridal shower/bachelorette combo party platter day of every-thang.  All the ladies are dressed as if attending a civilized afternoon tea party, while there are topless, Chippendale-like, male waiters scurrying all over the place.  Porsha walks in and mistakes SBS for Wigs-n-Cigs, so clearly this girl has bigger issues than not being able to afford a plane ticket.  Porsha tries to act natural, but the tension is thick as her false eyelash glue.  Porsha attempts to explain to Shamea that she cannot fly coach because of her medical “condition”, Vasovagal syndrome and low blood pressure.   I wonder how many of us simultaneously googled that just now.  Anyway – Welcome to, yet another installment, of Porsha’s bullshit.  Kandi is low-key annoyed by all this, she would rather go participate in a dreadful bridal shower game, which consists of tying a raw hot dog on a string around your waist and lowering said wiener into the bottom of a Dixie cup with a hole cut out of it.  This was straight up unsettling folks.  Move along, nothing to see here other than SBS lowering the wiener into the hole in record time.  Not her first rodeo!

Shamea is giving Porsha a hard time about not coming to Africa for the Coming to America wedding.  Kandi and Carmon are mocking Porsha about her various doctor’s notes and excuses that she utilizes to get out of life.  Carmon takes a really low jab, “Porsha can’t sit with her legs down, they’re used to being up.”  Everyone starts shuffling out and ten minutes later Shamea and Porsha are fighting in her car.  Porsha is pissed about being called out in front of the Kandi Koated Klique and Shamea merely wants to understand why her childhood friend can’t pop for a plane ticket to her wedding.  Porsha finally decides she’s not willing to Vaseline her face and fight right now, so she will be a friend to Shamea from afar.  Which is no different from what she’s been doing.  She’s in the NFL now – NO.  FRIENDS.  LEFT.

Shamea argue.jpg

Next time – Cynthia continues to wade in the shallow dating pool, Nene deals with Gregg’s health scare, Porsha and Lauren get into it, and SBS asks her party planner “who gon’ check me, boo?”

Baby Bump

Hello followers, sorry for the delay in this RHATL recap.  I’ve got this pesky full-time job thingy that really gets in the way of my creative outlets.  Anyhoo – I’m back bitches, and ready to have some fun.  There’s a lot to unpack here, let’s start with some general RHATL housekeeping:

First and foremost – WHERE ARE THE TAGLINES?  The Bravo intern must still be toiling away over his laptop, his asshole sweating like it’s being paid to.  We’ll let it slide for this week, but next week we want taglines and they better be on point!

Second – Phaedra Sparks Counselor Parks is no longer.  This is for the best – her puffed-up foolishness had grown tiresome on all fronts, and there’s part of me that was starting to think she had that Apollo chasing her with the power drill moment coming to her.  But folks… this means THERE IS NO AYDEN.  This also contributed to my recap delay, I wept for days and awoke in a ditch covered in Oreo dust.

Okay, now that we have that out of the way… what have these fools been up to?  Kandi is focusing on the OLG restaurant, and it’s on and poppin’!  Kandi is trying a thick, blocky bang… which oddly works for her.  The furtive OLG posse is perched high atop a balcony, staring down in disbelief at the line wrapped around the block.  Everyone in the ATL is ready to get into this joint and tear into some fried chicken.  Todd’s new tagline is “They sellin’ chicken like Colorado sellin’ marijuana!”

Kandi gives her annual, obligatory speech about how she isn’t going to get bogged down by the haters, she is the self-proclaimed “people’s champ”.  She’s mom first, restaurant owner second, and let’s not forget she is a member of this dysfunctional ensemble and starring in her own spin-off show – getting XScape back together, man!

Shifting over to Lake Bailey, Cynthia has finally found her zen through a leaf blower.  As she preps her deck for company, she throws some grapes and Laughing Cow on a saucer and pops the Prosecco.  Rolls Royce Nene is at the door and she is taken aback by the “acreage” of Lake Bailey.  Cynthia finally has money in the bank, which apparently entitles her to celebrate a birthday year.  Some folks celebrate a birthday weekend, or a birthday month, but Ms. Cynthia ain’t stoppin’.  It’s my birthday year, damn it, and I am throwing another theme party where everyone must dress up as a version of ME!  It’s 50 shades of Cynthia, I can hardly wait.

As the two catch up, Cynthia wastes no time in announcing to Nene that arch-rival Kenya, is now married.  Cynthia was in the dark, so I spy a rift in the budding BFFL territory.  Kenya twirls in, cut the small talk, let the grilling commence!  Nene wants receipts for this marriage, but she’ll get nothing and like it.  Kenya will only drop a few morsels, she knew said “Baby” for four months, oh and his name, yeah it’s “Baby”.  Brilliant, smashing – move along folks, no red flags of a doomed marriage to see here!  A simple Google search tells us his name is Marc Daly, and let me just say… by the looks of this wedding photo, these two are going places.  When your groom gives you a fist-bump to seal the nuptials, Guuuuuurrrrl… you know it’s built to last!

Kenya married

Nene presses for a name, but Kenya won’t budge, “Baby” it is!  So, is this like “Baby Driver”, “Maybe the Dingo ate your Baby”?  I just don’t get it.  Kenya goes on to reveal that they are going to dump Moore McMansion and find a new house of cards within which to live.  Moore McMans. has too many ghosts of hired psychos past and no baseboards.  We finally get a glimpse of the ring, but Nene is still not buying what she’s selling.  Nene wants a copy of the Marriage License, and quite frankly so does the rest of America.

Bitch what

We see Kenya talking to her father later while she tools around in her Bentley.  Listening to her father talk is like watching the DMV sloth from Zootopia.  OY VEY… use your words Papa Moore!  He has a case of the sads over missing his daughter’s wedding and having to learn about it via Facebook post.  She didn’t invite him because she thought her dad would say something to frighten the skittish Baby.  Again, no red flags here… all is right in the ATL.

Sloth

We catch up with our favorite violent, angry ditz, Porsha.  She is now dispensing advice via podcast, and apparently, she preps by tearing into a chicken dinner and shooting warm Hennessey.  Gettin’ paid to be an idiot!  What has this nation come to?  Porsha does the podcast with her sister and cousin, they talk to their pretend audience, discussing working with friends.  This is a perfect segue for Porsha to announce that she has “locked it down” when it comes to her friends.  She tells the girls that Phaedra has been texting, but Lauren warns to keep her distance.  We also learn that Porsha and Nene have a big, two-year old, beef sangwich between them.  Apparently when Nene gave her some actual sound advice, by way of “Bitch, keep your motherf*ckin’ hands offa people”, Porsha didn’t take that under advisement and Nene is as ruffled as her costumes.

She by Shereé is back, in her resident role of floating, shit-stirring mechanism of destruction.  She is also rotating some very confusing wiglettes.  We must address the elephant in the room, which is what I have lovingly dubbed the “Fried, Dyed, on the Side, Atomic Blonde” wig.  SBS up to some international espionage, are we?

SBS Atomic Blonde

Maybe there’s more to SBS than meets the eye… no, we’ve looked into her eyes, there’s less.  #seinfeldreference #seewhatididthere?

Newman meets eye

SBS drops by Nene’s new boutique – SWAGG.  Not to be confused with POSCHE – different state, different HO’s.  Anyhoo, SBS is ready to throw shade all over the damn place.  She’s playing it close to the vest, all details on her own personal life are on Defcon 4, security lock down.  Not much going on here, just Nene peacocking her return to the cast and setting up the shit-storm that will gust through this entire season.

Finally, it’s the big day of Cynthia’s “you know you wanna be me, bitch” themed party.  We learn that she and Papa Smurf are now BFFL’s (READ:  Exes with benefits in lieu of spousal support checks).  Papa ain’t comin’ to this shin-dig however, his wait-staff in Charlotte aren’t going to grope themselves!  Malorie and Cynthia’s mom arrive and they’re asking about Peter as if they like him now.  What f*cked up parallel universe have we entered into?  Guests arrive at the party, Cynthia makes her grand entrance and she’s chosen a really ugly yellow dress because she wants to reflect “love and light”.  Insert RHNJ crossover here:

Love light image

Cynthia probably should have re-thought the gladiator lace up in the back, it’s creating some unruly back stuff in the most unflattering way.  But what the hell… she’s 50 BITCH!  Cynthia presents a horrifying looking award to Kandi for “the best Cynthia”, which consists of the Coca Cola Can Curlers Cynthia.  The party starts to dissipate, some of the guests continue to drink and play “mother*ckin’ walk off”, Malorie almost blows out her cankle, and the team Porsha vs. everyone else alliances begin to take shape.

kandi-soda-cans-min

SBS insists that Porsha talk to everyone and Nene rips into her like a hot chicken drummie.  Porsha is upset that Nene said she should be fired from the show, Nene denies using the word “fired”, Porsha demands receipts!  ROLL THE EFFIN’ TAPE!  Nene is prepared to fight like the experienced big dawg she is.  She wants a full audit, produce receipts for the last seven years, then we’ll talk!

nene-porsha-confront

Whew… well I don’t know about y’all, but I’m exhausted.  Next time – Cynthia tries her hand at Tinder, Kenya is having marital issues already, and Porsha continues to have idiot issues.

Chocolate Bunnies

Well this week, we received an Easter basket full of chocolate bunnies gone HAM!  We received some ghastly penis based insults, a reflective wig tuggin’ trip down memory lane, and the cherry on our Sunday….prison masturbation.  Let’s jump right in with the low-lights:

  1. Overboard

Revisiting the shit show that was the boat outing where everyone was calling each other beyotches and ho’s, Cynthia and Porsha admit they were turnt up, meaning hammered on Hennessey and orange juice.  We revisit one of my favorite fisticuffs, She by Shereé’s infamous “wig tug”, which she claims was just a “shift”, a helpful “adjustment” if you will.  Whilst they are talking about Kim’s wig – meaning Kim Zolciak, Kim Fields is looking around as if she is lost in a corn maze.

Anyhoo…Cynthia and Porsha continue to diagram the altercation as if they are in advanced placement English, trying to diagram complex sentence structure.  Between the wrist grabbing, the acrylic nail finger pointing, the straddle, the gut kick, and the security tackle, they finally agree they were both at fault.  Although Porsha wants to point out that she suffered “contusions” all over her body.  She just wanted an excuse to use the $5.00 word she learned at the CVS Mini-Clinic.  Kenya brings up something about Porsha pulling a Naomi Campbell on her assistant and Porsha fights back by accusing Kenya of seeing a one-eyed African.  Is this “one-eyed African” the latest Urban Dictionary slang term for a penis or is this an actual African man wearing an eye patch?

  1. Mommy Dearest

We revisit the painful rejection Kenya faces at the hands of her biological mother and Porsha just doesn’t know when to shut up.  She has been trying to figure out why Kenya is such an asshole, and thinks the deadbeat mom is the reason.  No, she is just a plain ol’ garden variety asshole.  Kenya claims that lack of her mother’s love is not her problem, in fact she had such a wonderful upbringing with the love of a fantastic father!  Raise your hand if you are confused, hasn’t one of Kenya’s main storylines been mending her relationship with her father?  Phaedra looks about as bored as the corpses she embalms.  The prosecution rests, this oatmeal pie face is half-baked.

  1. Papa Smurf on the Prowl

We continue to beat the dead marriage horse and Papa Smurf joins the stage to somewhat defend his position, but not really.  He spends all of his time in Charlotte canoodling with his staff, but hey…he and Cynthia are great!  OHAC whips out his hard-hitting investigative journalism skills and notes that they sound, well “separated”.  Peter actually has the stones to compare himself to a soldier who leaves for duty and doesn’t see his wife and family for months.  As if being away while serving up mozzarella sticks in paper food boats and canoodling with underage bar patrons is somehow the same?  I think Peter is still smoking whatever he bought in Jamaica and was able to sneak through customs up his asshole.

Cynthia supports her ol’ crusty hubby by complimenting his cheating acumen, Peter would be more discreet if he was up to no good.  Porsha keeps pushing after Peter and advises Cynthia that Peter pays his waitresses pennies, er uh… penises, you know…Dick Dollars!  Somehow Kenya gets involved and she and Porsha go at it.  They hurl tasteless insults at each other, something about lying on your back to make a small piece of change.  Porsha says something about a “dry piece instead of wet piece in that ditch”, I have no idea what the hell she means, but it Sounds.  Just.  Gross.  Kenya tells her to shut her mouth “if there’s not a dick in it, you don’t know what you’re saying.”  Porsha snaps back with a really distasteful “What about that dick you tuck every day before you come to work, beyotch!”  Peter exits stage left and makes room for Ayden, which is such an appropriate follow up to that sacrilege!

Stupid mouth

Ayden helps Andy host the show for a minute by asking questions which OHAC whispers in his ear, but then suddenly…out of the mouths of babes…he asks his mama “why are you here and when are you coming home?”  Mama has to make a buck, chile…as OHAC sends him off to raid craft services.

Ayden OHAC

  1. Phaedra Gets Her Groove Back (Chile…she never lost it!)

The next low-light focuses on Phaedra and she is pressing on with her divorce and she will complete her Match.com profile when the paperwork is final.  As a sidebar:  I notice that the set is decorated entirely with all of the items featured in the annual Pier One “teal” catalog.  You know the one…

Anyhoo… Phaedra is on the fence about taking the boys back to visit Apollo in the clink, she said there were inappropriate things going on in the back row, and of course OHAC asks the question we all had on our minds, “like what?!?!”  After the Bravo Intern wiped the drool from his chin with a Jimmy John’s napkin, Phaedra answers the question “someone had their hands in someone else’s pants…ahem…masturbation.”  Isn’t that technically a “hand job”, or in Phaedra speak “digital stimulation”.

Either way, it’s gross and not something Ayden needs to learn.  We need to keep that kid cute and innocent as long as possible!

  1. Party Crashers

The final low-light we will cover is the discussion of Tammy’s nephew…Glen, who Kenya invited to the Miami party house.  Phaedra pretty much called it here by pointing out what we all know, Kenya wanted him around, but when he rebuffed her poor excuse for flirtation, she wanted him out.  Kenya denies, accuses Phaedra of always trying to paint her as a “wanton hussy”.  The ladies don’t disagree that Glen was acting crazier than a bed bug and should have been asked to leave, but Kenya kept pushing the issue, poking the hornet’s nest as Kim called it.  Kenya is always so quick to call security at the sight of an errant coochie crack, but in Miami Kenya kept pushing Glen for a reaction while security was already handling it.

Kandi, of all people, starts defending Kenya because “at the end of the day”, it was Glen who was acting crazy right out of the gate, throwing gang signs at a pregnant woman.  Sigh…at the end of the day…I think Kandi needs a break to hit the dressing room and use her breast pump.

Kandi - defending

Next week Nene makes an appearance in a nude illusion, jewel encrusted, cat suit (someone please show this woman a mirror!)  The house-hubbies hit the couch and Kim Fields shouts “PLAY.  THE.  EFFING.  TAPE.  BACK!”  The supersized part three will be worth it just to see Kim come about as unglued as her wiglette.

Better From the Tap

It’s reunion time, finally!  After a long, arduous, season about…well much ado about nothing…we have reached part one of the pinnacle.  As you may know, dear reader, I am not going to detail blow-by-blow of the reunion, for fear that my nerves will collapse and your head will explode.  Let’s hit the low-lights of part 1 of 187:

  1. Baby Talk – OHAC stars by asking Kenya if the pregnancy rumors are true, and we don’t mean her new pups King and Twirl…he means Kenya…and of course she will not confirm or deny the rumor. If Kenya is with child, we are going to need Phaedra to get Jesus on speed dial, and even he may not be able to fix it.  Somewhere in the ATL, Matt is googling “how to get into the witness protection program”.

We learn that Lauren has given birth, making Porsha a proud aunt.  Kandi is looking rather fantastic after delivering Baby Ace.  Reflecting on Kandi and Todd’s pregnancy journey, Kenya attempts to knock them down by chastising Todd for taking a bidness call during the early sonogram.  Kandi defends her man, she ain’t trippin’ and isn’t one to pass up a check.

We are treated to some unseen footage of Todd tasking the breast milk out of a bottle, and OHAC lets his freak flag fly as he exclaims…“It’s better from the tap!”  [insert sound of needle scratching off record here].  Annnnnd…How.  Exactly.  The.  F*ck.  Do.  You.  Know.  This?  Somewhere in St. Louis, Evelyn Cohen has died from embarrassment.

How do you know this

  1. Shady Bunch – There was a lot of shade thrown this season and the award for best shade goes to none other than Shaedra Parks. We are treated to a montage of shade thrown, and Phaedra’s impersonation of Kenya is first rate.  Just getting to revisit this clip of Phaedra twirling like a dervish in her 4th of July outfit is giving me new life.
  1. Frienemies? – Where are Phaedra and Kandi with their on-again off-again romance? Phaedra sent flowers when Baby Ace was born and she brought Kandi some chicken fingers, but forgot the honey mustard.  READ:  UNFORGIVABLE!  Kandi was offended by the attacks on Todd, but Phaedra was a little miffed about her soon to be incarcerated husband’s hidden assets in their garage.  Cynthia takes her moment to get some screen time and explained that she thought Phaedra knew Apollo was keeping stuff at her and Kandi’s homes…annnnd this is the only thing Cynthia has to say all night.  She must be conserving energy for when Papa Smurf joins her because previews indicate she will need to defend her janky marriage.

There was another matter of the money Phaedra owed Todd for her workout video, OHAC points out that Phaedra wouldn’t lift a finger for She by Shereé’s divorce proceedings until she had that full retainer in her hand, cash and/or money order.  Phaedra goes on to say that she received a shoddy final product from Todd, thus requiring extensive editing.  Blah, blah, blah…translation = the video will not even be going straight to DVD.

  1. Tootie Your Own Horn – Kim Fields needs an extra semester at the Skewl of Read, but she is learning to stand up for herself and finally participates in a bit of confrontation now that she is securely on the reunion couch, at least 15 feet away from “Oatmeal Pie Face” [READ: Shaedra to Kenya].

Oatmeal

Kim showed composure and class when she complimented Kenya on her comedic talents demonstrated in the “Life Twirls On” pilot, however it went south quickly after Kim  got to know Kenya and deemed her unworkwithable.

Kenya thinks she and Kim have comparable careers, but OHAC points out that Kim has been a star since she was a child and well into the ‘90’s, whereas Kenya was merely a Miss “whoesseh?” in 1990.  READ!

Who SA

Kenya claims that Kim is on her stage right now, of which Kenya is the star and Kim is low man on the totem pole.  Kim is looking around confused, she has zero f*cks left to give, because she is due at DWTS for a costume fitting in an hour.  Kenya criticized Kim for speaking about herself in third person, which is freaking laughable coming out of that cauldron of oatmeal pie face.  Talking about herself is about the only skill Kenya has, oh and interrupting and talking over others.  Kenya keeps interrupting and since she is no longer allowed to bring props, she starts clapping her hands at Kim like a rabies infected baby seal.  Kim is temporarily possessed and points her warning finger at Kenya, and with an “I freaking dare you” tone, says “say something!”

SaySomethin

What Kenya doesn’t realize is that Kim is a committed mom prepared for any situation, she has Ziploc bags full o’ cheddar goldfish under her couch cushion, she is wearing leggings as pants underneath her gown, and she is ready to spring into action and kangaroo kick Kenya in her oatmeal pie face.

Whew…glad that’s over!  Kudos to Kim for finally “bossin’ up”!  Next time, the hubbies join the stage for more drama.

A Festivus for the Rest of Us

We open this week with Phaedra deciding she is going to throw some sort of odd combination party that will encompass the holidays and the fact that she is filing for divorce from her unhinged, power drill wielding, convict husband.  Regardless, this will be a Festivus to remember since she is enlisting the help of Dwight, party planner extraordinaire.  Send Dwight skipping off to Hobby Lobby with his 40% off coupon and fire up the hot glue gun, there is no stopping him!

Porsha stops by to check in on her bestie Phaedra.  Phaedra informs her that she is going to perform a clog dance at said party.  Porsha shrugs it off with utmost disinterest, as if Phaedra has said something insignificant like, “I’m considering buying generic Ziploc® bags.”  Now, I ask you dear viewer, what kind of a bestie is this?  I would certainly want my bestie to ask me if I was out of my ever-lovin’ mind and please reconsider said clog dance performance.  I suppose there are more important matters on Porsha’s insipid mind, such as the story she ran across at Dish Nation about the Feds busting down Kandi’s door in order to seize Apollo’s motorbike and then busting down Cynthia’s door for his collection of Bicentennial coins.  Apparently, Apollo owes the government a hefty sum of restitution, so Counselor Parks is not surprised…or did Phaedra drop a dime to the Feds?  More on that later…

Kandi is due in seven weeks can she can barely hoist her ass up into Todd’s F250 pickup truck.  As they ride to the cemetery to pay respects to Todd’s mother, Kandi fantasizes about getting a boob job and a reduction so that her breasts don’t look like pancakes with a single raisin on the end, hanging on for dear life.  That’s an interesting analogy, excuse me while I get my cheese grater to scrape that image off my brain.

Pancake boob

Anyhoo…they arrive at the cemetery and we learn that Ace will have middle name of “Wells”, which was Sharon’s last name.  They place the flowers at the gravesite and we see the tombstone, which reads “Sharon Joel Wells – A loving mother and life of the party.”  And that she was…

Matt stops by Kenya’s house and he brings her two puppies, which he purchased as a gift for her.  Kenya names them King and Twirl and then places them on the floor to roam the house as if they have already been living there for six months.  Kenya is trying to pick out something to wear to Phaedra’s holiday party and we learn a very critical fact here, Kenya grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness, so she never celebrated holidays.  Why have we not heard about this before?

Cynthia enlists the help of her sister to move furniture around and set up a massage table so that she can have a romantic evening with Papa Smurf, since Cynthia has decided she can stomach him without clothes.  Peter arrives home and Cynthia announces she will be his masseuse for the evening, happy ending and all.  He is immediately down for that and can’t get his clothes off fast enough.  Cynthia is grossly massaging him, talking about “that special area”, and this is almost too much for T.V.

Then, FOR THE LOVE GOD…Noelle and Leon walk by.  Jezzuz Cynthia, we don’t ask you for much, could you please be sure your daughter and ex-husband have left the area code before you start pummeling your hubby’s pocket monkey?

Thats Gross

As we wrap up this rather lackluster finale, it’s the night of the Festivus for the Rest of Us party.  Phaedra poses Ayden on a pedestal as “Elf on a Shelf” and he is tasked with sitting on a high, wobbly column all night, unattended, handing out li’l bundles o’ coal.  Phaedra also hired Ms. Juicy Baby & Li’l Bit to babysit Dwight.

Festivus party

The only things worth mentioning this miscellaneous Festivus is the meeting of She by Shereé, Tammy, and Bob “Crazy Eye” Whitfield.  Tammy and her Miley Cyrus braids lay it out and ask Bob why he told She by Shereé that they hooked up and warns him not to glare at her with “dat bad eye”.  He claims he “never had sexual relations with that woman” and pleads ignorance due to brain trauma.  Tammy swills her corona and insists that these two “should just get back together” and then clomps away to get in line at the temporary tattoo table.

She by and Bob

Porsha and Shamea show up in paper-thin onesies and furry boots, looking like two penguin tweeners headed to the local rave.  Kim is speechless and Kandi is too busy looking for the chicken finger platter to care.  Kenya walks in dressed in some horrifying green Grinch makeup and she is teeing up the drama for the reunion, asking everyone who they think called the Feds.

Grinch

After Phaedra Phails at her clog dance, the episode ends with the summaries of where each woman is today:

  • Kandi and Todd have their baby Ace and her body allegedly “snapped back”, but she still doesn’t know who called the Feds.
  • Porsha is ready for her stint on Celebrity Apprentice (and we use that term “celebrity” very loosely).
  • Kim is headed to Dancing with the Child Stars
  • Kenya is still working on Moore Manor, complete with a nursery and a fake husband.
  • Cynthia and Peter are still a work in progress and Noelle is in therapy after seeing her mother massaging Papa Smurf’s private parts.
  • Phaedra continues to dial the Feds, and she has not taken the boys back to visit Apollo.

Next week – part 187 of the reunion, Nene prances in wearing a hideous body suit and the ladies read each other like a shady Harlequin romance novel!

The Calm After the Storm

The crew is back in ATL after their stormy Jamaican adventure.  All seems right with the world now, because they have all retreated back into their natural habitats, separated from each other by the electric fence.

In Kandi-Land news, she has been holding down the ATL fort awaiting her new addition, which is due in seven weeks.  She announces that she is having a boy, but we already knew this since Ace fought his way out of her chicken fried womb months ago.  Kandi, Mama Joyce, and Todd sit in the waiting room discussing how short the baby will be when he grows up, but Todd is in heavy denial about being vertically challenged.  He’s a 5’4” man trying to pass himself off as 5’9”.  Dr. Jackie bounces in looking like she just came from the annual municipal Easter egg hunt.  Seriously, her dress is very cute, but doesn’t seem fit for doctoring, shouldn’t she be wearing a lab coat and ugly Crocs?  But, I digress… the more dreadful item of significance here is that Dr. Jackie feels that it’s appropriate to tell Kandi and Todd, in the presence of Mama Joyce, about alternative ways to get their freak on, despite Kandi’s pregnancy belly.  When Dr. Jackie suggests something “on the side” or “hanging over the kitchen sink”, Mama Joyce recoils in horror.  Now would be the time to wield the Walmart Wedgie of Death in Dr. Jackie’s direction!

In case you missed it, Mama Joyce be like…

Disgusted face

Kandi reveals that they plan to name their son Ace Wells Tucker and Dr. Jackie approves – sounds like a guy you want to go golfing with, or a guy you might see doing 8 – 10 at Fort Dix.  Kandi reveals her inspiration was a deck of cards, Ace is highest and lowest, he is the first and the last, he is the end-all, be-all, Ace is the Place for the helpful hardware man!  Dr. Jackie reminds Todd to get the “push gift” ready, “We like diamonds, no chips, and we don’t like the number to start with one either!”  Translation = No Scrubs!  Todd gives the death stare and Mama Joyce giggles because now she thinks Kandi will finally get the diamond ring she deserves instead of that ol’ two carat piece of Cracker-Jack rubbish he used to propose.

In Kenya-Land, she and Matt are checking on Moore Manor, Delusional Dilapidated House of Horrors.  Matt is eyeing up a prime parking spot and a place for his Nordic Track, but Kenya is pushing for diamonds first.  With Matt being a personal trainer, that diamond may start with the number zero and end in a 0.25.  Kenya’s Aunt Lori comes by to assess the merchandise, meaning Matt, and she evaluates his shoe size, because you can tell a lot about a man’s intellectual prowess by his shoe size… ahem… Kenya sends big-footed Matt off to do some fake carpentry work so that she and Lori can gossip about him.  Kenya tells Aunt Lori that she has a new process for “vetting” her men (plural), and we are treated to a flash back of Walter, the disgusting tow truck driver that never could.  Kenya has clearly fired her old makeup artist because she is much more camera friendly now.  Looking back, it’s painfully evident how staged the whole “Walter” thing was, what a dolt.  At least Matt is easy on the eyes and seems like a nice person, even if he is just a prop.  Aunt Lori wishes Kenya lotsa luck, provided she doesn’t send Matt screaming for the hills.  These two are dressed like some strange version of Southern Belle, Frail International Spy meets Wayward Kid ‘N Play Groupie…can someone get some space heaters up in this beyotch?!?!

Kenya-ramshackle home

Later, Matt takes Kenya to “The Melting Pot” restaurant, where of course she’s a little put off by having to cook her own food in the fondue pot.  Ha, wait until you get home and come to find out that your $300 dress and $8 weave smell like an amalgam of old cooking grease, beef, and onions!  Kenya starts quizzing Matt on his past and he confirms that all of his wild ways are far behind him.  Kenya admits she is no spring chicken and has already started saving her eggs.  Matt believes she is referring to the eggs laid by the wild chickens living in her unfinished home and that she is saving them to cook him breakfast in the morning.  If he had fully understood her, I have no doubt he would have melted his face off in the hot fondue pot.

Porsha, well she’s an idiot.  She is preparing for a photo shoot for her new ultra cheap-n-cheezie lingerie line.  She has a phone conversation with Johnnie, her Creative Director and they are discussing the body types that will be photographed.  Porsha says “it wasn’t set in see-men”, no your photos won’t be “set in semen” until they are filched out of the recycling bins by hungover Waste Management employees.

Thankfully, Johnnie has his Porsha stupidity decoder handy and he is able to translate “it wasn’t set in STONE”, he then comments that she has the brains of a paper cup, which may be giving her too much credit.  On the day of the photo shoot, Porsha proves that she cannot handle running her empire without Lauren.  She dicks around in hair and makeup and bullshitting with Cynthia for too long and she runs out of daylight for the outside shots.  Cynthia, the ever the consummate professional, pulls off her indoor shots within a few minutes.

In other Cynthia news, she visits Kim and we get to see a sample of the ‘mercial, but it’s about as cheap-n-cheezie as Porsha’s lingerie.  Cynthia Bailey Eyewear, cheap ass sunglasses that will break right off your head after one wear.  But enough about the ‘mercial…Cynthia uses the opportunity to revisit the “your husband is fruity or gay” discussion, but Kim is totally over it.  Cynthia makes one last-ditch effort before filming the 12 part reunion to reiterate that she had no part in that conversation.

In Phaedra-World – she is moving forward with her divorce from Apollo and debating if she will take the kids to see him now that he is moved to Fort Dix.  Phaedra drops by Kandi-Land to keep up the pretense that they are mending their friendship.  Kandi is dressed like she’s going to a rootin’ tootin’ hoedown to take a nap…

Kandi-hoedown

 

…and Phaedra is cloaked in Cookie Monster’s toilet lid cover.

Phaedra-cookie cloak

Phaedra gifts Kandi with some nipple cream whilst giving her the scoop on the Jamaica trip, which is Phine by Phaedra because she has no plans of discussing the Apollo situation with anyone.  Everyone has already been up in her bidness far too much, “more than my gynecologist has been in my vagina.”

On to what is really important here and that is the “Ayden cam!”  I just can’t get over this kid, and his cute, adorable voice is enough to melt my cold, dead heart.  Phaedra is heading to Fort Dix to see Apollo, which will be the first time since the day he became unhinged in the garage and lunged at her with a running power drill.  Phaedra doesn’t tell the boys why they are in Philadelphia, in the event they cannot get into the prison because Phaedra has gone commando.  Baby Dylan has come a long way and his personality is asserting itself.  This kid ain’t goin’ back to baby Kar-ah-TAY…and you can’t make him.  He has already achieved his black belt and he will deliver a toddler sized foot to your face if you don’t back off!

Dylan Ayden

Dylan and Ayden are being lovey dovey brothers, Dylan giving his big brother kisses is just too cute for words.  Ayden is playing with Phaedra’s iPad and asks “Can you please get me one of these?  I really need it for work and business.”  When Phaedra asks, “what kind of business?” he says “Unexpected business.”  Sounds like he has picked up a thing or two from his father’s “shady bidness”!

When they arrive at Fort Dix, cameras are not allowed, so all we see is that Phaedra’s mother has waited in the car for 2 ½ hours, while playing 100 rousing rounds of Bejeweled Blitz.  Phaedra returns with the boys, calling their visit “interesting”.  She asks Ayden to comment on daddy’s hair and Ayden says “I did not quite like it”, apparently Apollo has a Mohawk and a tattoo of a single tear coming out of his left eye.

Phaedra is hesitant to visit again, the boys were antsy and Apollo is refusing to sign the divorce papers.  SHOCKER!  Next week, finally…the season finale!  Looks like some sort of holiday party gone horribly awry!