Silence is Golden

The Goo-boo-chays and the Gorgas hog out over some Chinese food and everyone is a li’l feisty over the fact that Juicy Joe isn’t there to get sloshed and crash face first into the floor while attempting a cartwheel.

joe-cartwheel

Milania cracks open her fortune cookie with brute force… “young girl who miss father should take off on quad like an animal.”  Which is precisely what she does with her li’l sis Audriana, hanging on for dear life on the back.  Joe stops her in the driveway to talk her off the ledge and assures her that if she ever wants to engage in reckless behavior, she can call him and he will be there.  Let’s blow this pop stand TOGETHER!

Back in the kitchen, Melissa and Tre discuss the impending re-done home warming pawwwty at Dolores’ place.  Tre wants to bail because the thought of seeing Jacs’ face makes her want to hurl up her egg foo young.

Dolores’ pawwwty is symbolic of her gaining 10% of her financial independence back and moving out from under her ex-hubbys thumb.   Dolores’ grandmother arrives at the party and not a moment too soon.  Such a charming lady who has lived through 102 years of this bullshit and shows no signs of slowing down!  Siggy sits grandma down and gives her the play by play, she may live through another war tonight.  Jacs has lost her voice, what a shame.  She arrives at the pawwwty wearing her new tee-shirt, which she purchased at http://www.passiveaggressivetees.com.

jacs-tee

The Wakile’s arrive with Rosie and Laura in tow.  Joe Gorga makes the rounds to say “hello” to everyone in an attempt to be civil, but Jacs snubs him.  Jacs leaves to go “lay down in the car” and Kim D., troublemaker extraordinaire, trails behind her leaving this shindig rather uneventful.  Chris pulls Joe G. aside to vent about Vermont and express his hurt over not hearing from Joe.  Joe gives him the “man to man” talk, understands why he is sticking up for Jacs, but she went “buck wild” on Melissa and was totally out of line.  Joe keeps his cool and shuts down this awkward “man to man” confrontation like a deft presidential debate moderator.  Melissa and Jacs were both wrong and they need to air kiss and make up.  When Joe Gorga is suddenly the voice of reason, honey you know your shit is f*cked up!  Jacs starts honking the horn outside in the car and Chris hightails it out like a dog to a dinner bell!

man-2-man

Tre and Milania are cleaning out their garage and Milania starts knocking empty water gallon containers off a shelf with a broom stick as if she has ‘roid rage.  Tre tries to pacify her and asks what she can do to make her time without her fawwwther easier.  Milania puts her foot down, “NO ONE WILL REPLACE MY DADDY!”  No one is trying to replace him dear, but mommy just wants you to chill the f*ck out!

Later, Tre is making breakfast for the girls, Milania rejects it because it’s not like daddy makes.  Tre says “I’ll make it wet like daddy.”  Oy, I could go so many ways with this, but I think I’ll just go vomit.  Milania lists the reasons why she misses dad, and now we get to the true crux of it all – Milania has to do all his extra chores.

Siggy spends some quality time with her mother, she pays some coiffeur named Sergio to curl her hair and then she takes her out for kale salad.  Siggy gets all emotional when she is around her mother because she doesn’t feel her mom takes enough time for herself.  I am emotional at the thought of eating kale.

Dolores’ holds her “Ladies’ Night” at the gym, and she’s feelin’ right!  Dolores calls Jacs to see if she is going to show up and Jacs lets her go to voice mail while pretending to sleep off this deadly case of laryngitis.  Jacs really has this “alienate everyone” routine down to a science.  Tre is ready to teach a yoga class and Doles picks this inopportune moment to confront the uncomfortable situation with Robyn.  Tre is summoned to the full yoga class and the awkwardness is cut short.

There is a short scene that reminds me of my life, Melissa is hard at work on her laptop and Joe bellows from the bathroom that he needs help.  She drops what she is doing to find him in desperate need of her help in shaving his back.  Call Milania, she’ll grab her five speed back shaver, tear through every nicely manicured lawn in Jersey, and be there in under 10 minutes, or the shave is FREE!

Dolores and Siggy are on their way to the Envy fashion show of terror and Dolores reveals that Jacs is not speaking to her.  Jacs accused Dolores of setting her up to make her look like a no show, when in fact Jacs DIDN’T SHOW!  Yeah, process that for a minute.  Jacs was also upset that her mug wasn’t on the janky flyer, which looks like a four year old produced it on her “Barbie’s first computer:” and a malfunctioning ink jet printer.  What. The.  Acutal.  F*CK.  JACS?  Dolores admits “we exchanged words, they weren’t nice, I lost my temper, f*ck you, I said actually.”  Jacs is clearly losing her shit and Dolores, whom I have lovingly dubbed “bitch ain’t havin’ it”, wins the night!

dolores-wtf

Next week is the finale to all this nutbaggery.  The Envy fashion show of terror, Tre may put McManson on the market, Jacs continues to passively aggressively alienate her cast mates, and Siggy schedules a friendtervention.

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Fambly Matters

The Goo-boo-chay fambly prepares for the impending surrender of their patriarch, and what better way than to make sprinkle cupcakes!  However dear reader, there is not enough cupcake glitter in the world to alleviate the cloud of doom hanging over this fambly.  Milania lightens the mood by shoving a cupcake in Juicy Joe’s face, but he half-looks like he’s about to go full prison riot on her ass.  He takes the high road and shoves it back in her face instead.  After some fabmly selfies and a lecture for G to the ia, Juicy Joe chokes back tears.  Or perhaps that’s just cupcake glitter in his eyeballs.

Meanwhile, across town, Jacs and Asslee go shopping for baby supplies and Asslee reveals that she wants to have a natural birth, sans drugs.  Jacs is dumbfounded and insists she will want the epidural.  Too bad the medical field had not figured out how to administer an epidural during Asslee’s teen years.

In other fambly matters, Siggy and her sister Iris are yelling at the kids for being on their phones instead of savoring quality time with their micro-managing mothers.  Siggy’s parents, Mordecai and Rachel, stop over and Morty reveals he’s looking into having an eyelid lift.  In other news, Rachel reveals that she is upset at her own daughters because they don’t spend more than 10 minutes visiting with them.  Josh calls his mother a hypocrite as he proceeds to the next level on Candy Crush.  Later, the fambly visits the Holocaust museum.  Morty tells his life story and Josh realizes that he’s a spoiled asshole, then 2.3 seconds later he snaps out of it.

morty

The Laurita’s and Wakile’s are bowling for date night, the same evening of Juicy Joe’s going away to prison pawwwty.  Rosie struts in with her new girlfriend, Laura, and we learn that Rosie is a straight up playa!  She met Laura in the bathroom while out on a date with another lady!  Chris Laurita is being the good li’l hubby that could and is heeding Dolores’ advice.  He will stand by his irrational skank wife and boycott the going away to jail pawwwty.

Sidebar:  I may need to switch back to watching this in standard definition.  High definition is not kind to these ladies.  The painted on eyebrows are the stuff of nightmares!

The going away to jail pawwwty is shot entirely on someone’s iPhone and apparently Bravo crew and equipment was not permitted.  Juicy Joe and Tre jump on the mechanical bull to ride things out, but they take a tumble after about 1.3 seconds.  Foreshadowing, anyone?  Siggy is caught on camera, still doling out her crack-pot advice to any pawwwty goer who will listen.

The next day, there is a literal meltdown at Envy between Derek the intern and Melissa.  Derek is anti-selfie, but Melissa wants at least 108 selfies posted per day to show off their bargain fashions and boost on-line sales.  Melissa better change before she selfies, she is dressed like an overweight librarian.

Meanwhile, across town, the Goo-boo-chay household prepares for their final goodbyes.  Milania is tearing around on a three-wheeler while Tre and Juice man knock back some vino and strawberries by the fire.  Juicy Joe tries to wax philosophical, “you either learn how to become a criminal, or a better person”.  Now he is forced to do the latter.  He is clearly not hammered enough because he looks genuinely worried.  Tre starts giving him pointers, he can celebrate every religious holiday at “camp”.  He can go with the Jewish people and celebrate “Rama-dan-dan!”  From what I understand, the kosher meals at “camp” are akin to first class.  How about more solid advice, such as always shower with your back to the wall?!?!  Tre feeds Juicy Joe a strawberry, mouth to mouth, just like they did when they were dating.  Yes Tre, get your last taste of those virgin lips…

It’s the day of the surrender, the paparazzi is out in full force and effect.  Immediate fambly is gathered and the girls are seen crying at the window as Juicy Joe is hauled away in a black Escalade.  Later that day, Joe and Melissa assemble a trampoline in a literal attempt to bounce back from the emotional morning.  Melissa tells Joe that Tre sent her a “love you” text, and Melissa is emotionally overwhelmed by how her relationship with Tre has grown.

tre-joe-farewell

Jacs has Siggy and Dolores over on the back deck of truth, while she scoops fake shit (irony, anyone?) into diapers, for some sort of sick baby shower dry run of sorts.  As Jacs spoons her fake shit, they discuss the emotional farewell to Juicy Joe.  Siggy gets emotional (SHOCKER) and dabs her tears with an unsoiled diaper.

diaper-change

Tre is sinking into a chasm of despair and the Goo-boo-chay girls can’t stop crying.  Their first night home without daddy, they all sleep in the same bed and say prayers for their father.

Next week, Dolores’ re-done home pawwwty, Joe and Chris throw down man-to-man, Melissa’s fashion show, and Dolores’ giving Jacs a good ol’ fashioned WTF!

Nose Job, Criminal, Bang, Bang, Bang

We are still in Stowe, VT where everything has been so nice, oh well…except for that fight where Robyn threatened to rage on Jac’s re-done ass and punch her in the re-done face.  Dolores approaches Melissa with care, please ask Robyn, your bitch-ass, hanger-on, fake friend to leave.  Saved by the Siggy, who weighs in, it’s either Robyn or Jacs and Tre has the final say.

Jacs has a case of the sads and goes into the ugly cry because her love of Tre is overpowering and she feels rejected.  Siggy tries to talk her off the ledge, but period emotions are flowing and there isn’t a night time maxi-pad absorbent enough to contain them.  Someone get Jacs some mood stabilizers and a Midol, STAT!

Melissa obtains the verdict, Tre doesn’t have to think twice.  Jacs needs to beat feet, however Robyn and her partner have been playing with a home perm kit and they decide they will get the hell outta dodge.

Later, everyone arrives at the Matterhorn for another ill-fated dinner of doom.  All that fightin’ has worked up an appetite.  Tre points out that there are two empty seats and confronts Jacs about why that would be.  Tre takes Robyn’s side because Jacs took the whole thing to next level crazy by sitting on Robyn.  She labels Jacs with words such as “manipulative” and “calculated”.  Jacs is visibly hurt and gets up to leave.  Chris steps in to diffuse, “She loves you!  Learn to trust.  Heart in right place!”  Tre is more concerned with the fact that she has tap water in her glass, someone get her some bottled water, STAT!  Jacs points out that Tre cannot be around any kerfuffle due to her parole and Jacs did all of this for Tre, “You table flippin’ bitch!”

jacs-table-flippin

We flash back to the history of Tre – chasing a prostitution whoo-ahh out of a country club, flipping tables, throwing OHAC as if he were a chew toy, but yet Jacs stood by her side.  Jacs brings up stripper-gate, and tries to drag Melissa into the melee.  Melissa thinks Jacs is a jelly bean and can’t handle Melissa and Tre having been BFFL for a hot minute.  Melissa refuses to engage and Jacs deems her as another soldier.  The acrylic nail of death makes an appearance, “you fake, phony, bitch!  Four nose jobs!”

jacs-in-mels-face

Through all of this, I am shocked that Joe hasn’t jumped in.  The sedatives must have kicked in.  In her next bizarre move, Jacs dials Kim D. to put her on the speakerphone of truth!  Tre comments – “why you alwasy gotta call people on da’ phone?”  Siggy is still trying to logically narrate the fallout, but Dolores notes this is simply part of visiting the RHNJ Zoo.  Speaking of the Zoo, the animals are hongray so Dolores orders three helpings of chicken wings.  Tre feels threat-ennned.  Jacs yells “CRIMINAL” and walks out.  For Tre, it’s nothing that tearing at a chicken wing like a savage beast won’t solve.

jacs-leave-dinner

Siggy and Dolores check in with Jacs, but she is fine with how things ended because she now sees that Tre hasn’t changed.  Siggy retreats to her villa and decides to take a stand, “eff her and eff her, I’m going home, I’m out!”  Siggy recounts the fight, acting like animals, Kathy/Rosie, festering, Posche, mosh, bosch, and fosch, nose job, criminal, bang, bang, bang.  Dolores feels bad, poor Siggy didn’t know what she walked into when she sold her relationship expert soul to Bravo.

Back at the Goo-boo-chay household, the girls are having a rather peaceful dinner with their criminal father.  They are going to miss Juicy Joe, he acts as if he’s going away to fat camp.  Milania can’t get her brain around this “your’e belly is all stretched out now and it can’t go back in.”  Juicy Joe asks his girls in earnest, “you really think I’m fat?”  Milania responds with the kiss of death, “you’re fatter than pregnant people.”  Juicy Joe changes the subject, they better take out the garbage, feed the fambly pet, help their mother, oh and buy him an effing MIRROR!  They do a fambly fist bump and all is well.

The next day, Tre gets a call from her Mucinex slug and recounts the fight.  “She called me the C word, but not C U Next Tuesday.”  As if that would have been better?  Tre and Melissa arrive at Siggy and Dolores’ room and Siggy breaks down and announces she is leaving.  She starts demonstrating her frustration by throwing decorative apples around the villa, Dolores slams her hands down on the Formica countertop, “I’ve had enough!”

dolores-siggy-had-it

Dolores.  Gives.  The.  Best.  Commentary.  Ever.  “Melissa comes in like she’s going to Studio 54 with a full face on and Tre is dressed like Milania.  They are not the epitome of empathy.”  No, these two beyotches DGAF – they’ve got a face full o’ contouring and they are ready to show it off to the world.

Tre and Melissa boogie out of Siggy’s villa, happy to spend “bonding time” alone.  They take a ride on a gondola up a mountain and Tre gets all teary eyed over Juicy Joe’s impending trip to “camp”.  Tre and Melissa are so in love right now.  They take a few selfies and cawwwl it a day.

tre-melissa-selfie

Jacs and Chris are back home, safely secluded in their McMansion.  What better way to decompress than with fatty cured meats and cheeses, oh and a debriefing with Kathy.  Not much to see here, but Jacs has an epiphany that should have been evident long ago, Tre never gave three wet farts about her.

Next week, Siggy gets a warning, Melissa confronts Derek about filming Tre accepting cash only for bootleg copies of her book, and Jacs and Dolores get an earful from Kim D.

Home Improvements

Snow is falling in Jersey, we start with Dolores “I want to stand on my own two feet right after I squeeze every last dime out of former Mr. New Jersey for my kitchen remodel”.  While Dolores was out having her weave refreshed so it no longer smells like spaghetti O’s, Frank got to work.  No kitchen remodel for you.  We are refacing the cabinets with a kit we bought on clearance at Home Depot.  You’ll get nothing and like it.

Jacs is busily relieving her Teresa induced stress by shoveling her drive for the impending arrival of Siggy and Dolores.  Must rehash the Jacs/Tre rematch.  Jacs recounts.  Tre poking, bringing up four-year old fight, which they made up from three times.  Maybe they need to make up for each year?  Siggy analyzes.  Trigger points.  Verbal fencing.  Bill for $575 in mail to Jacs from Siggy’s office.

Dolores has bigger fish to fry.  Her beloved dog, Boo, is having kidney failure.  Throwing up all over her Versace sheet set.  Why she keeps him laying around the house is beyond me.  Siggy and Jacs show up in their finest bandannas and pigtails to throw some sledgehammers into flimsy drywall.

Jacs Pigtails

Dolores receives reality check phone call from her bidness partner, Maz, who wants her financially dependent on Frank ass at work.  Dolores admits she is riding gravy train with biscuit wheels and intends to ride cowboy Frank until he dies.  Dolores, seriously…get into your gym, do some squats, a burpee or twelve, and inspire your customers.  Siggy lays it down, do some adulting.  I’ll send a bill, or shall I just direct debit Frank’s checking account?

Meanwhile, Melissa feathers ruffled.  Cannot believe that see you next Tuesday, Jacs, put her hubby Joe on THE SPEAKER PHONE OF TRUTH.  Melissa summons Jacs for tête-à-tête so she can “nip it in the butt”.  Good luck with that.  Nipping butts = no storyline, no drama = no Bravo paycheck.

Jacs and Melissa have Mexican standoff.  Jacs fires up, waving acrylic nail of death in Melissa’s face.  Jacs isn’t buyin’ the “new Namaste Tre”.  They agree to discontinue tawwwlking about Tre.  Waiter intrudes.  Shut the hell up and eat your salads in awkward silence.

Jacs Finger Point

Siggy trying to establish traditions with her family, seeking advice from her parents.  Mother from Iraq and father survivor of holocaust.  Siggy feels she has compromised her heritage and has adopted being Italian.  Siggy’s father assures her that one day her sanctimonious children will appreciate the overbearing mothering.  Parents seem like sweet people, what the hell are they doing on this three-ring shit show?

Siggy talking with her son, apparently doesn’t know who Andrew Jackson is.  Siggy must not deal in $20 bills.  She announces the fambly will be having kiddish once or twice a month.  Kids are thrilled, not allowed to have their phones.  It’s FRIDAY NIGHT SIGGY, have you lost your dayum mind?!?!  Sophie protests, NO PHONE FOR YOU – ANOTHER WEEK!  Siggy is phone Nazi.  Wow, that joke in bad taste.  I appall myself.  Josh gets busted with his phone under the table, NO CAR FOR YOU!

Siggy Family

In other bratty kid news, Ass-lee tells Jacs that she is so happy she has young parents and Jacs is the “cool mom”.  Uh in what warped universe?  Ass-lee’s boyfriend Pete shows up for fambly dinner.  Jacs and Chris grill them about moving in together, but Chris warns them to slow down.  Pete awkwardly helps Jacs in the kitchen, but has ulterior motive.  Wants Jacs to assist him with engagement ring selection.  They hit “Diamond Jewelry Way”, the search for the perfect ring befitting a rotten, surgically altered, twenty something, with a grossly exaggerated sense of entitlement begins.  Pete zones in on a three carat cushion cut with a thin diamond band.  Hey, go big or go home.  Jacs reminds Pete how they can “upgrade over the years”.  UPGRADE FROM THREE KARATS, PEOPLE.  Great advice future MIL, live beyond your means so you may subsist on cat food and die penniless, while maintaining expressionless face via back alley botox.

It’s a big day at the Goo-Boo-Chay home, Juicy Joe has surgically removed Tre’s bedazzled ankle bracelet.  Milania and Audriana think the removal of the contraption means mommy will no longer have to “work”.  Ugh, these lame explanations.  Later, Juicy decants the wine as Tre greets Joe and Melissa.  Tre is feeling lighter than air, but what would be better is if she could get an “edamame” and have her pooper cleaned out.  Melissa clarifies, ENEMA?  Oy vey!  The term she is searching for is “colonic” and it has nothing to do with steamed, salted soybeans in the husk served at Japanese restaurants.  Tre recounts the blow by blow with Jacs.  Melissa whips out astrological chart and determines Jacs and Tre will never get along.  Melissa will chase them out of the figurative forest if they don’t knock their shit off.

Another unknown day and time, Tre calls fambly meeting to employ tactics she learned from Counselor Healy while “away at camp”.  Everyone must write down fambly improvements they would like to see.  Tre would like to see Juicy be “less rough” with the girls after witnessing him kick/slide Audriana under the bed whilst she was in full downward Ho pose.  Milania wants to eradicate her sisters and everyone needs to stop calling her fat.  Especially Juicy Joe.  Milania proceeds to read him like a trashy novel… “AND YOU’RE SO FAT!  You look like your pregnant and having, like, four babies!”  Milania’s other request is for Tre to put down her phone and pay attention to her.  PREACH SISTA!

It’s G to the ia’s turn.  Juicy Joe must contain his temper and Tre stop over reacting.  Tre shrieks…WHAAAAATTTT?  I’M SOOOOO MELLOW SINCE I’VE BEEN HOME FROM “CAMP”!  SEE, I DO YOGA!  As for Gabriella, she has nothing to say, bitch ain’t havin’ it.  Wants to get back to planning where she will bury the bodies.  The next day, the fambly goes indoor skydiving to celebrate Milania’s 10th birthday, which they are keeping “low key”.  Nothing says “low key” like a hot pink oversized Hummer.  In a sobering moment, Milania announces that she would like to go “real skydiving” for her 11th birthday, but it sinks in that at that time next year, Juicy Joe will be serving his turn “at camp”.  Positive note, Milania won’t have to approach her 11th birthday being called FAT by Mucinex slug of a father.  It’s called the prison diet Juicy Joe, get on it.

The drama is cued up for next week.  Melissa invites Tre to Crystal Springs for a girls trip by couching it as “celebration of the bedazzled ankle bracelet removal”.  We all know the paycheck hinges on drama, so it will be a Tre/Jacs intervention/explosion.

New Beginnings, Same Old Endings

Boring filler on undercard cast mates.  Dolores suspiciously close to her ex-husband Frank, we learn he is former Mr. New Jersey.  Dolores wants to redecorate on Frank’s dime.  Learn that Frank owns six gyms, Dolores partner in three of those gyms, and just launched her own gym.  Explains why she can’t let go of Frank.  Dolores bidness partner, Maz, drops bomb on her, need to sign 2,000 memberships within the first month in order to make the bills.  Also, Dolores needs to show up to work, inspire customers, “you look good for an old lady”.  Dolores lunges across the desk and gives him a right hook.  Most crucial thing learned?  Dolores’ son, Frankie, has abs that make young Brad Pitt look like a disgrace.

young brad

Siggy worried about her 13 year-old, received detention for using phone at school.  Siggy at a turning point.  Must revoke phone.  Sophie mouth breathing throughout lecture, asks for Dunkin’ Donuts, momentarily stops Siggy in her lecturing tracks to ponder thought of a chocolate glazed.  Not to be completely foiled, Siggy later takes both her children out for a lay down the law lunch.  Quickly goes south when li’l turds reveal that when they are with their dad for two weekends a month, he allows them to have girls, money, strippers.  Kids ask to talk for five minutes without interruption.  The iPhone timer mocks Siggy.  CANNOT.  CONTAIN.  MOTHERING.  COMMENTARY.  Siggy whips out Scarlet O’Hara fan to halt tears.  Kinda sad, Siggy is the disciplinarian, while dad is the party parent.  Takeaway here – Siggy needs to stop asking Jacs for parenting advice.

Melissa kids in a fashion show.  Antonia has the G to the ia pose down pat.  Geno got his start when he walked for OshKosh B’gosh and did a stint for Garanimals, he’s an ol’ pro.  Tre and Milania attend show for support.  The Gorga kids kill it and Milania actually behaves and stays seated.  Later at celebration dinner, li’l Joey makes an announcement.  “I love everyone at this table”.  Sure kid.  Easy for you to say, everything is rainbows and lollypops when you’re about to crush that glorious pot of mac-n-cheese before you.

Tre is in her bed, bath, and beyond a hot mess.  Psychologically prepping to deal with Jacs.  Her house décor is so hideous, it looks like Wickes liquidated and then donated the leftovers.  Milania wrestles Audriana to the ground, providing her with excruciating noogies.  Audriana runs to mom for safety, but Tre is waiting with hot tweezers, ready to pluck the first errant eyebrow she sees.  Milania puts on her sumo wrestler suit and shouts from the rooftop, “I want a brother!”  All we learn here is li’l Milania has some brawn to her and she takes after her father.  She even uses Juicy’s crazy, cranking, stretching machine and can’t “do yoga” with Tre without breaking her butt.

juicystretchig

Meanwhile, Chris lectures Jacs and urges her to behave.  They must stay on television with their fake storyline if their Li’l Kernel snack system is to ever get off ground!  Juicy Joe and Tre arrive at Jacs’ bearing case of bathtub wine and dry cured meats.  Juicy and Chris slink away to the man cave to hit da’ sausage and sauce.  Tre is left in the kitchen with Jacs and a pot of boiling water.  I have to give Tre props, she looks pretty fantastic.  Prison diet did her well.  Should be her next book.  It’s all puppies and bacon until the two start their journey down memory lane.  They hash, smash, and rehash the past and it escalates quickly.

Escalated quickly

Somehow, Joe Gorga gets brought up for saying something about each of the ladies to the other…don’t trust her, she’s an asshole, or some shit.  Jacs has the solution, get Joe on the SPEAKERPHONE OF TRUTH!  Luckily, Joe is quick on his feet, he slipped and hit his head and has no memory from four years ago.  He can also now speak fluent Portuguese.  Tre on mission to eliminate toxic people from her life, then she should exit, stage left.  Tre tries to put Jacs in her place, she didn’t question Jacs about her legal issues, but Jacs fires back… “mine wasn’t a criminal case, we didn’t file fraudulent bankruptcy like you did.”  Tre is about to flip the kitchen island, but it’s securely fastened to the faux linoleum with liquid nails.  Tre screeches, low blow, let’s go Joe.  Men are clueless, half in bag, cured meat fat stuck between their incisors.  Juicy wants to continue bro-ing out with Chris, he hasn’t eaten enough prosciutto to make the trip worthwhile.  Jacs storming around dining room, pleather pants swishing.  Tre whips on her faux fur, bolts out door.  Chris upset, he senses Juicy was about to ask him to be on his prison contact list!  Jacs throws hands up, “she had a curfew anyway”.  Real winner here is Chris, Juicy left behind his full wine cooler on wheels.

Tre storms out

Next time, Jacs graduates to a pleather top and she gets into it with Melissa.

You Do the Time

Sorry I am so late this week, my actual job was a real bey-otch on wheels and delayed my RHNJ recappin’!  Since this is now old news, I will do a mini-cap:

Jacs crying, Dolores comforting, Tre new lexus getting.

Tre bed, bath, and beyond a hot mess.  Waxing Milania’s eyebrows.  Gotta look good for Holiday pics to be sold exclusively to People Magazine rags.  Tre flat beyotch broke, bidnesses in da’ crapper, gotta pay da’ billz.

Juicy Joe idiot.  Thinks Christmas is celebration of Jesus’ resurrection.  Flames shoot down from skylight, set his tank top and back hair on fire.

Tre follow Melissa into kitchen where knives are kept.  Tre no change one bit.  Tre dragging up painful Christening memory.  Tre stranded on Gilligan’s Island?  Melissa think Tre should have shut down rumors about her like illegal day care.  Argue, screech, pinky swear, hug it out, got your back…for now.

Tre Melissa Kitchen

Dolores in therapy, bad luck with cheating men, she is detective by nature, apparently Dolores did not sign HIPAA form at reception desk.

Jacs too many espressos, Ass-lee puffy face like her mom.  Moving out, Jacs recklessly loud when she gives Chris monthly sexy time.  Ass-lee, Pete, and her cold shoulder sweater have their own needs that cannot be fulfilled in the foreclosing McMansion.

Melissa’s boutique taking too long, Joe irritated with part-time wife status, Joe turning into Mr. Mom and he has begun lactating.  Ummm….EWW!

Tre had to cut own toenails in prison, received ingrown toenail, hurt worse than child birth.  But she didn’t let the time do her, she did the time!  Tre invites Dolores for New Year, Dolores wants to have “girls’ dinner”, invite Jacs, stage set for Tre/Jacs face off at another Bravo mandated dinner from hell.

Jacs hosts sad reject party for the non 36 people invited to Tre’s.  Jacs sporting serious camel toe in pleather pants looking like stuffed sausage, nasty yeast infection of epic proportion ensues.  Rest assured Ass-lee, your step father won’t be getting any loud action for the next 4 – 6 weeks.

G to the ia wants to go out with friends for New Year’s Eve after being catapulted into adulthood.  Girl wants to cut loose.  Her drunk Juicy Joe father doesn’t care and wants the “little fathead” home by midnight.  Dolores must make getaway as well, invited to two parties, what to do?  I know, have hostess of Bumpin’ Party A call hostess of Reject Party B and have incredibly awkward speaker phone conversation.  Cousin Rosie hears convo on speaker phone, Rosie spurned.  Rosie slosh her bourbon all over floor while making resolution to be the biggest beyotch on wheels in 2017.  GO ROSIE!

Jacs reject party

Shout out here to Jacs’ friends, Herman and Mina.  Two sit quietly in the corner wondering what the hell this camera crew is doing around them.

Dolores arrives Jacs’ reject party.  Ponders returning “Li’l Snooki Bump-It Kit” to QVC.

Dolores torn

G to the ia gets home by 12:15 a.m.  Juicy Joe level of intoxication = sobbing mess.  G to the ia cries in her grandmothers arms at the thought of the year ahead.  This gives me a case of the sads.

Next week… Dolores birthday party, Melissa mother f*ckin’ Gorga comes out to play, Jacs pulls a “pop in” on Tre with two hot, steaming Starbucks in her hands.