Light, Love, and Old HAM

The ladies pile into the Mercedes Benz party bus, leaving the squalor known as the villa.  The title card on the screen says “Day Two” – yeah, day TWO… just let that SANK IN for a minute.  It seems like we’ve been watching these Barcelona escapades for paleolithic eons.  Nene addresses the elephant, who has left the room… Porsha headed back to the ATL because she’s tired of being trampled on and she’s about ready to cut a bitch.  Kandi says she will get over “drug, kidnap, rape-gate” eventually, it may just take a bit longer than the aging of a jambon leg.

The women arrive at the bigger, better, less mildew-ey Hotel Arts, where they each settle in to their 4000 square foot suites.  They are all instantly in a better mood, blame it on the Bossa Nova previous accommodations!  A plethora of fried foods arrives at 1:00 a.m., all the girls are elbow-deep into the calamari, while SBS hangs back in her room to take a call from Prison BAE.  Her conversation consists of telling Prison BAE what she has eaten the last two days in Barcelona.  I guess when you are on a steady prison diet of ramen and goulash surprise, a detailed account of what one eats on the outside is considered stimulating conversation.  Do the time, Prison BAE, don’t let the time do you.

Meanwhile, Kandi comes up with a bright idea to dress SBS up like an Elvira sex doll, take photos, and then send them to Prison BAE.  Nene is curious, how will SBS will send the pics from her phone?  Marlo “check my charges” Hampton chimes in… “nowadays, they be sneakin’ phones in the prisons, I know because MY NEPHEW is incarcerated.”  Thanks for the disclaimer, but we all know you’ve done a stint or two.

Before the 15 minutes are up on the prison call, Kandi asks Nene if there’s some issue between her and Prison BAE, and Nene goes straight-up HAM, “I’ve never been out with Tyrone!” Kandi interprets this as a bit of a confession, cool your jets, TURBO – “who said that???”

who said that

Nene continues on, “we’ve never kissed, we’ve never held HAMS, we’ve never shopped at the A&P together, we’ve never watched “The Apprentice” together…”  Wow, this is a complicated tapestry.  SBS joins the group at about 2:00 a.m., Marlo drags SBS into her terror-dome, and forces her to put on leopard print every-THANG and some heels she can’t even walk in.  SBS gets the line of the night… referring to Marlo’s shoes, “what are these, size 15’s?!”  Marlo demands SBS hand over her boobs for a good ol’ fashioned duct taping.  50-Cynt walks in, acting like she’s never seen or applied silver duct tape before, and she seems to not realize they were taking the photo shoot quite this far.  Note to Marlo:  next time at Wal-Mart, look for leopard print duct-tape to complete your outfits!

SBS hobbles along, like a middle-aged housewife far away from her Wal-Mart sweats.  Eva demonstrates some simple model poses on the stairs, they set SBS down carefully and Marlo equips her with a shiny gold prop phone.  Okay Marlo, duct tape, old-timey prop phones… I can almost hear the circus music playing on a loop within her head.  50-Cynt and Eva are trying to create wind with the room service platters, but fail miserably.  The photos are a li’l rough to say the least, but Prison BAE ain’t picky!

Marlo boobs

The next day, the women are all groggy and draggin’ ass.  That’s whatcha get when you twerk your ass off until 4:00 a.m.!  Again – BRAVO… why are we not getting ALL this footage?  Shamea has Kandi and SBS as a captive audience over breakfast, so she uses the opportunity to find out the real dirt on Nene and Prison BAE.  Kandi gives a replay of getting “chewed out” by Nene’s Petco choppers the night before, like she seriously thought she was going to have to Vaseline her face and fight.  SBS gives a recap of how she met Prison BAE, it turns out that SBS, Nene, and Wigs-n-Cigs were all involved in an event that Prison BAE coordinated.  Nene demanded more money for the event and we flash back to six years ago when Nene and SBS had it out.  Ahh… the flashback, before the makeup was matte, the weaves were crafted out of synthetic barbie hair, and Tyrone was still relegated to being a voice on the phone.  This was the “Trump Checks”, “fix your teeth”, “fix your face”, “Petco Choppers”, “car towed at Home Depot”, blowout of epic proportion.  Nene and SBS didn’t talk for about four years after this, so SBS believes this is the “elephant in the room”, to which Nene has been referring.

tyrone phone

Six hours later, they are all makeup-caked, contoured, wig-glue securely dried, and ready to be seen in public.  The Spanish citizens are protesting the government so there’s rioting in the streets and the ladies are wary of the constant police sirens.  50-Cynt starts some weird shit on the party bus of the damned, licking her lips and telling Kandi she would be a wonderful housewife.  50-Cynt, for the love of all that is good and descent, KNOCK THIS SHIT OFF!

The women are meandering around town and 50-Cynt spots a blinged out ham, clothed in leopard print stockings and size 15 Louboutin’s.  It’s an aged ham restaurant and the ladies try some samples, Eva says it smelled like “fart”, and Shamea notes that her ham must have been aged during no-shave November.  Nene is totally freaked at the thought of chomping down the jambon sample, and SBS is reading tonight… “don’t act like you’ve never had old meat before!”  After they eat the rotten jambon, they separate into two gossiping factions.  Kandi, Shamea, and SBS set their HAM-bitions on finding another restaurant with fresher meats and large drinks.

old ham

Eva is left with rotten jambon to pick, she asks Nene why she reacted so strongly to the subject of Prison-BAE and Nene bears her Petco fangs, warning Eva to never mention him in her presence again.

The next day, Marlo tells Nene that SBS isn’t giving her the time of day and Nene uses the opportunity to throw SBS under the fastest moving bus in Spain.  SBS brought Wigs-n-Cigs into her home and she knew about the water bug video and never forewarned her, SBS only rides for SBS … and Prison BAE.  My reunion fodder sensors are perkin’ up!

Meanwhile, in another suite, 50-Cynt decides to mandate a spiritual positivity day and advises the group they will drive 90 minutes to a special location where she will hold a pretend re-baptism.  All aboard the party bus of love, light, and spiritual cleansing.  These beyotches are going to need some boiling water and borax to cleanse their souls!  50-Cynt wants positivity, damnit!  She encourages the ladies to share something uplifting… a poem, blotting papers, duct tape, or…  Kandi breaks out her iPhone voice recorder and sings a few lines from her new song, which is basically “Fuck Fake People, STFU”.

They arrive at Costa Brava, 50-Cynt gives a speech and each woman is handed a candle with a name of the women they most despise and they must say three nice things about their person.  They all smack-down some pretty shady, back-handed positivity, oh and Marlo’s boob pops out of her top.  Where’s the duct tape when you need it?  50-Cynt gets in the water and splashes it on her boobs, more of a morning after “ho-bath” than a spiritual cleansing!


Next time – SBS delivers word back to Wigs-n-Cigs, Nene has a crisis, Kandi confronts Wigs-n-Cigs


Bein’ Hood in Barcelona

It’s day two at 8 a.m. at the quaint Villa for wayward housewives, Eva surveys the women for coffee, but even the Wigs-n-Cigs wig is tore up from the floor up.  They all look like they just rolled off of Willie Nelson’s tour bus.  SBS is aching from sleeping on a cot next to a barred window.  She is envious of Prison BAE, for he sleeps on a pillowy bed of ramen noodles.

Kandi and 50-Cynt seem to be the only survivors from the night before, they are all fluffed, freshened, magnetic lashes in place, wig glue secure, and ready to start the day.  50-Cynt admits that the Villa leaves a lot to be desired, it’s a bit like online dating, everything looks better in photos and may or may not have a clandestine girlfriend behind the secret door masquerading as a book shelf in the library.  Porsha arrives at the table, ready to re-hash the 3 a.m. feeble attempts to fulfill items on the bucket list.  We are treated to iPhone footage of the women twerkin’ at 3 a.m. – Bravo intern, take note… this is the kind of footage I can get behind.  As the ladies arrive at the table hangry, several li’l mini-eruptions are flaring like a river of hot, ferocious, magma!  Notably, Eva who is not too keen on Shamea asking her about her sexuality, especially when she’s involved with a Mayor to be.  Marlo lectures that the truth shall set everyone free, unless you’re backpedalin’ Porsha.

Nene saunters in and announces that everyone will be moving to a hotel, but first they will tool around Barcelona in mini-cars as 50-Cynt has planned.  They board the Mercedes-Benz party-bus to netherland and 50-Cynt requests an update on the bucket list challenge.  Nene claims she ate a salty ball with hair on it, again — where is this footage, Bravo intern?

Schweddy ball

Marlo did a slut dance with her ass out as seen in the 3 a.m. footage (in other words, a typical Tuesday night).  Marlo challenges 50-Cynt to kiss Kandi with tongue, but Kandi is minding her manners after drug-drag-rape-gate last season.  SBS is fully committed to love before, during, and after lockup and will not tongue anyone other than Prison BAE through the plexiglass, let alone be sloppy seconds!  However, in desperate attempt to win favor among these unstable skanks, Porsha is on board with being dirty thirds.  50-Cynt proceeds to rinse out her mouth and then sticks the tip of her tongue in Porsha’s mouth, and ends up licking Porsha’s teeth.  Porsha is freaked, good thing she flossed.  Ummm… eww.  I don’t know why this marks some sort of astounding accomplishment in life, but the girls have gone wild.  The indoor irrational skank voice modulation issues are at an all-time high.  As a sidebar here, 50-Cynt is wearing a tee-shirt that has names of supermodels, “Cindy, Naomi, Linda…” and she has written in her own name with fabric paint she found for $1.00 at Hobby Lobby.

Cynthia tongue

They arrive at the go-car rental place and no sooner than 30 seconds out of the chute, Porsha crashes into the back end of another go-car.  And I don’t mean fender bender, I mean full on crash, her front end is wedged under the back end of the other go-car.

Porsha crash

She cries faulty brakes and they let her get into another go-car with her 10” stilettos.  Seriously ladies, would it kill you to put appropriate footwear on yo’ dayum feet for these activities?!?!  Can we get some Crocs… STAT!


As they tear up the town it starts raining and it’s a housewife freak-out of epic proportion.  They make a pit-stop at a huge market that carries every food imaginable and alcohol as far as their American eyes can see.  Porsha tries to order Hennessy and Coke in Spanish, Nene thinks “to hell wit’ it” and orders an entire bottle of Absolut.  Porsha tries some octopus and deems herself Baby Vegan on the Backslide – yes backsliding right into the tentacles of the drama.  Nene wants to discuss the whole Wigs-n-Cigs situation and she tells us for the 189th time that those were water bugs.  Nene is also upset that Porsha and SBS didn’t stand up for her.  SBS agrees to be the one who gon’ check Wigs and her red Solo cup, Boo… and she will tell Wigs her behavior is not cool.  Eva looks generally, low-key annoyed at all of this.

Nene makes light of the cock roach accusation and states she did have three roaches and she named them, Wigs, Brielle, and Kroy.  Aww Nene, two wrong tweets don’t make a right – keep it classy, bitch!  Marlo starts riding Porsha about confronting Wigs, but Porsha isn’t playin’ monkey in the middle.  Nene and Wigs will “cut each other down to the white meat and then two minutes later be BFF.”  That’s probably the smartest thing Porsha has ever decided in her adult life, other than walking out on that blind date.

Marlo must have had too many self-serve Absolut shots because she is way off the rails and yelling in Porsha’s face.  Nene actually comes to Porsha’s defense and tells Marlo to take it down a level or ten, but Marlo will not let the door mat that was too small, slide by without a proper match.  Porsha becomes emotional because the door mat was a gift from her mom and it has sentimental value.  Can I say this is the dumbest argument in the explored universe?

Turns out the petty door mat argument is just an appetizer before the main course, Marlo decides it’s her duty to insert herself into the stale situation between Porsha and Kandi.  Uggg… Marlo, you’ve been picking up your gossip at the outlet mall because honey, this is sooooo last season!  Marlo tries to drag Kandi into it, but Kandi wants no part of this mother*ckin’ shakedown.  Porsha starts to lose it and she’s waving her collapsible fan in Marlo’s face.  Marlo tries to rip it out of her hand like a swift, effective, killing machine.  She scares everyone to their utter core, they all jump up, and Kandi reminds everyone that they do not want to be arrested in Spain.  They high-tail it out of the market as security surrounds them, but Nene is sure to grab her bottle of Absolut!  We all have flashbacks to that reunion where Porsha snatched the scepter out of Kenya’s hand, but let’s hope Porsha can channel her three anger management lessons so it doesn’t end the same way.

The group separates into two factions, Marlo keeps going on and on, everyone wants her to shut the f*ck up as the police are now trailing them.  Porsha says “she puts the “low” in Marlo” and claims she has some dirt about Marlo, which Nene told her in confidence.  So… She will cryptically dangle that li’l carrot out there and keep it to herself, until she doesn’t.

The best part of the episode is when the ladies arrive back at the ramshackle Villa and 50-Cynt gets her wig caught in the door knocker and almost loses her wig.  As the ladies retreat to their respective cells to gather their commissary items, Porsha wanders down to Nene’s cell block.  She announces she’s feeling too beat-down and will be exiting Barcelona, stage left.  Nene gives her best try at a pep-talk, but fails.  Porsha would rather spend time with her family instead of trying to win-over this parade of unstable slut-tards.  Porsha whips out her iPhone and asks Siri to draft a resignation letter to Andy Cohen.  Nene accepts her decision and feels a bit pumped-up to step into the “big sister” role.  Who woulda thunk there are two sensitive, caring people under all that wig glue and contouring?  The more you know, the less you ho!

More you know

Next time – Marlo puts duct tape on SBS boobs for some godforsaken reason, 50-Cynt takes a ho-bath and calls it being baptized, Nene sticks her foot in her mouth regarding Prison BAE, and riots in Barcelona scare the wigs off the ladies.

Roach Motel

There’s a lot to unpack here and I feel like this is one of those “potpourri” episodes, a little of this, a little of that, some strange looking twigs, and some fragrant wood shavings that smell like an unfinished basement.  The ladies have landed in Barcelona, but it appears they have an entire day to kill because the Air BNB villa won’t be ready for check in until midnight.  Nothing good can come from this.

At this juncture, there are two very critical things happening.  First – 50-Cynt presents her “bucket list challenge” as “Addendum F” to the Friendship Contract.  Secondly – I realized I have heretofore been spelling 50-Cynt incorrectly. (I spelled it 50-Cint – don’t ask me why, because of course 50-Cynt makes total sense) DERP!  But enough about my inadequacies, let’s dive into this hot mess Barcelona bucket-list shall we?

The list has been signed, notarized, and contains an assortment of undesirable acts, such as “Pinch a man’s butt”, “take a shot with a stranger”, “eat a foreign delicacy”, “Swap personality for a day”.  As SBS calls it, “these bitches do this shit every day!”  I understand 50-Cynt is just tryna have fun, but besides her outfit, this is the dorkiest shit she’s ever pulled.

bucket list

Always on the scary shuttle ride from the airport to wherever, the women start getting’ catty and hangry.  Marlo immediately sinks her Petco choppers into Kandi and tells her that she needs etiquette lessons.  Yes people, Marlo teaches her own etiquette class at the learning annex, and I guess she’s a self-proclaimed expert on lessoning dry ladies to be more warm and welcoming.  Lesson one – Burp at the dinner table from the depths of your ghastly core whenever possible.  You want Kandi to warm up her stank face?  Give the girl some chicken fingers with dipping sauce, you’ll have a friend for life.  Nene takes the opportunity on the bus ride to openly slam Wigs-n-Cigs for not coming on the trip and runs through the list of all her lame excuses and alleged ailments.

50-Cynt has arranged for a light lunch at some breathtaking, in-between location where they will not be lodging.  The gang continues their potpourri of conversation – Kandi reveals that Nene is going on tour with her and will bust out her stand-up comedy.  Say wha?  Eva talks about her boyfriend who is running for Mayor and Shamea, in a failed attempt to stir up trouble, asks Eva if her man is okay with her dippin’ in da’ lady pond with one Missy Elliott.  Someone needs to lockdown these women from the internet.  Eva confirms that she’s strictly dickly as of now, although she took a swim or two in her youth.

The talk migrates over to Will-I-Am-An-Opportunist, but 50-Cynt is strictly team-Will.  She stands by his lies, Porsha tries to pipe up and 50-Cynt shuts her down like an illegal daycare center.  Porsha has history of spewing things out of her baby-vegan hole, such as Papa Smurf pays his waitresses in penis.  Porsha is knocked back in her place, 50-Cynt packed her backbone in her carry-on!

There is so much talk going on at the same time, this is hard to decipher, but someone asks 50-Cynt if she has licked balls or how many she’s had in her mouth.  She recoils in disgust, Porsha yells “naw that’s too close to the asshole”, whilst Kandi looks puzzled… “why, teabagging is a must!”  Scribble that one in as number #11 on the 50-Cynt bucket list!


The ladies still have about six hours to kill, so they stroll down the streets of Barcelona like a pack o’ wild gypsies.  Shamea takes the opportunity to check off an item on the 50-Cynt bucket list of horrors and she dances in the street, which is just sad and odd.

shamea dancing

They finally arrive at the Victoria Villa, and well… it looked much better online.  It has eight bedrooms, it’s fully staffed, but it’s nowhere near the ATL standards.  We are treated to a flashback of all the five-star lodging the women have experienced over the years.  Yeah…. This shitty li’l villa ain’t gonna cut it!  Everyone is acting like RHNY Ramona, fighting over the rooms like entitled twats.  Ooops, did I type that out loud?

Nene creates a brilliant system whereby the oldest in age should be on the top floors and then trickle down to the youngins in the basement.  Nene calls a villa meeting, but Kandi is not giving up her penthouse suite with private bathroom and spectacular view of the city.  Ya’ snooze, ya’ lose.  They argue for a while longer and then retire to their rooms to put on their pajamas for a late-night dinner.  They are wearing some weird ass shit.  Porsha is wearing a rhinestone breast harness and is in the midst of an allergic reaction to her eyelash glue, so she accessorizes with shades.

Marlo is fluttering around with her crew, doing a pre-dinner shit stir.  50-Cynt is on full-blown blast for being defensive over Will and Kandi is still too dry, who cares if she’s a “MONGOL”.  Muy bien nachos!  Marlo “check my charges a f*cking dictionary”, the bitch is a straight-up MOGUL and could buy and sell yo’ dumb ass ten times!

SBS is horrified by the low-quality towels that could exfoliate a porcupine, so she decides to stir some shit up as well.  She gets Wigs-n-Cigs on speaker phone, alongside Porsha and Shamea.  SBS reveals all the shade Nene threw, and leave it to li’l dingy Porsha to tell Wigs how amazing it is that she is a “cancer survivor”.  Wigs corrects Porsha and states she never had cancer.  Oh, how quickly the wig glue has deteriorated your hippocampus and cortex.  ROLL THE SEASON ONE REUNION – Wigs, I was 90% sure I had cancer, in a Chili’s parking lot, turns out I did not have cancer, the Awesome Blossom was extra tasty that night!  ASK, BELIEVE, RECEIVE!

Wigs season 1

Wigs is so fired-up upon hearing that Nene is basically saying Wigs has suffered none of these “alleged ailments”, she starts yelling about Nene parking her Rent-a-Royce in a handicapped spot and the roaches in her bathroom.  SBS has done it again, stirred up that pot nice-n-thick.

SBS on phone

Marlo set the table nicely and placed a blonde wig at the head of the table and a crown for their “special guests”.  In an odd, random, funny moment, SBS asks Porsha to get her a “vodka and Fanta” – son of a motherless goat, who still drinks FANTA!?!?


These bitches can’t even have a meal without quarrelling like squirrels over an acorn shell.  Nene and Marlo are starting in on Kandi, and then ping, ping, ping… everyone is receiving texts on their iPhones.  Wigs has sent everyone a text with the cockroach video taken inside Nene’s home and a photo of the Rent-a-Royce in the handicapped spot.  Nene goes off and SBS joyfully owns up to telling Wigs every-thang that Nene said on the Barcelona bus ride from hell.

It appears the fiery rage emanating from Nene’s wiglette has melted her eyelash glue and her lids are glued shut.  She goes off on, well everybody.  “CAN’T NONE OF Y’ALL STEP IN MY HOUSE AND SAY A MOTHERF*UCKIN’ THANG, ALL MY SHIT IS BRAND NEW WITH TAGS ON IN SHRINKWRAP, Y’ALL BITCHES AIN’T EVEN GOT POOLS!”  Nene cannot contain her rage, her comeback to Wigs, “she has worms in her ASS!”  Is that even like, a thing in humans?

Mic drop… Buenas noches, Dulces sueños, la cucaracha, NACHOS!  Next time – the madness in Barcelona continues, Marlo and Porsha go at it.

Cured Beef

So we meat again… this week, our ladies attempt to squash the beef and another Bravo mandated group trip to the center of Satan’s asshole is on the books.  Let’s saddle up and get out our cattle prods, shall we?

Eva has dropped a bomb on the Will BBQ and as 50-Cint is avoiding the cameras while she uses her chin blotting papers to dab her salty tears.  Last week Porsha acted as if she too had some real dirt on Mr. Will, but all she manages to scrounge up from the bottom of her linty pocket is a basic repeat of what we already know.  Will is seeing another woman, but since he’s an opportunist, he is hanging with 50-Cint for the free swag-bags.  As the group disbands for the night, Mama Joyce sidles up to an unsuspecting Porsha and demands a sit-down sometime soon, as in tomorrow morning at 11 a.m. sharp!

50-Cint and Will have an angst-ridden ride home.  He’s aghast at the accusation that he is an opportunist – CHILE PUHLEAZE – what opportunity could he possibly get by keeping 50-Cint on his arm?  Uh… Will… you’re fame whore is showing.  Can someone start the application process for this gent to be the first African-American Bachelor and get him off the Bravo network?

The next day, Porsha and Mama Joyce have a fairly uneventful sit down, Mama has left her Wal-Mart Wedge of Death and Destruction at home and opted for a comfortable loafer.  They order up some sweet tea and brussel sprouts, and Porsha the meat-hating monster, asks the waiter to hold the bacon.

Hold the bacon

Mama cuts to the chase, what the hell is up with all that bull-honkey Porsha spoke about Kandi.  Porsha explains that she trusted her then BFF, Counselor Parks, and took her word as fact.  Well, that was your first mistake, aside from going vegan and that wig line, chile!  This was actually a well-played move since Mama despises Phaedra and is still bitter about the Counselor hooking up her kid with a “worker” – tiny Todd man, this means you.  Things worked out for the best, Kandi took a lemon – tiny Todd man, this still means you – and Kandi made the best lemonade on the block!  Porsha laughs uncomfortably and Mama declares Porsha is a real “ride or die chick”, but she needs to re-evaluate to whom she is loyal.  Mama advises her to keep trying with Kandi and maybe they can grind the old beef.  Newsflash y’all – Kandi ain’t never gettin’ over this.

Mama Porsha

50-Cint and Nene meet up for dinner and the only possible explanation for 50-Cint’s red NY Yankee’s had is that she didn’t have time to powder her wiglette.  Nene looks like a tarot card reader who just raided the clearance box at Goodwill on her way to Burning Man.  They dissect the Will bomb and Nene dubs Kenya as “Captain Sav-A-Bitch”, trying to mediate the situation that had nothing to do with her.  Nene warns her ol’ BFF to be careful, Will is a bit to greezy and sly for her taste.  50-Cint needs a man who is a “li’l rough” like Papa Smurf.  50-Cint believes a girl’s trip is in good order, she has been nominated to organize the Bravo mandated group trip into the fiery core of despair.  Destination – Barcelona on a budget!  Nene will co-host, but she’s not too keen on all this “budget” talk.  50-Cint has charts, graphs, and a Groupon budget.  She found the cutest li’l Air BNB, what could possibly go wrong?  Well, Wigs-n-Cigs, that’s what.  50-Cint wants to include Wigs on the guest list, but Nene already has Wigs’ rolodex of excuses memorized, number one is that Uber driver, Kroy, can’t tag along because his butt implants are leaking a lethal mixture of liquid nails and gorilla glue into his blood stream.

Meanwhile, in other fake news…. Kenya asks her cousin, Che, to accompany her at the doctor’s office where she pretends to be pregnant by her husband who doesn’t even live in the same state.  She’s six weeks late and 46 years old [ahem… add 5 years on here] and she needs a blood test because her dollar store pee stick result was inconclusive.  This is all just a big ruse to not go on the mandated trip from hell and to pave the way for her exit from the show – we can only hope.  Kenya girl, you ain’t pregnant, you menopausal.

50-Cint is clearly eating her feelings throughout this episode.  She meets Papa Smurf for an entrée or four to discuss her feelings about why he ghosted on her at Kandi’s event.  As Papa explains how he felt extremely uncomfortable seeing the woman he’s still in love with on a date with an opportunist scum bag, 50-Cint shovels in the lobster rolls as if they are becoming extinct.  Seriously now, this is some emotional eating next-level shit.  50-Cint is desperately trying to form a divorce friendship contact, but guuuurrrl… Legal Zoom doesn’t have a template for that.  In summation – Papa Smurf gives her some sage advice, stop stressing and live how a bitch wants to live!

Cynthia Peter

Porsha is so excited to be invited on the Barcelona trip, she decides to host a “No Beef” dinner.  I can understand the pun of squashing the quarrels, but to serve a dinner without any meat just makes you a monster.  THIS IS A HUGE MISS STEAK!

Miss Steak

Marlo “check my charges” is the first to show up and throw shade at Porsha’s McMans rental.  How petty do you need to be in order to want to go to criticize the dimensions of the welcome mat?  The doormat is too small, the doorbell doesn’t work, the décor inside looks like a bridal shower, and the vegan food tastes like the forest floor.  SBS gives us the best possible response to Marlo having a dead animal hanging off the side of her Mumu at a vegan dinner party, “what kinda fragglenackle bull crap is this?”  Yes, that is the burning question of the hour.

Wigs-n-Cigs rolls up, chauffeured in her Escalade, and we can hear her on the mic, “pour my wine for me real quick”.  She emerges, red solo cup in hand with a quick wig straighten for good measure.  The ladies are in full swing, doing shots and smoking the hookah.  50-Cint enters and as a hush falls over the crowd, she knows they were talking about her.  Marlo is already tore up from the floor up, she can’t even conjugate verbs.  They all sit down to eat the vegan delights and Porsha announces that the ladies must take care with the dinnerware because she will be returning it to Home Goods later that evening.  Marlo keeps burping from the depths of her ass and blames it on 50-Cint, but 50 doesn’t seem to mind since it takes the focus off the latest conversation topic – 50-Cint and Papa Smurf are still actually in love.  As they discuss the “no men allowed” Barcelona trip of renewal and rejuvenation, Wigs immediately announces that she is out!  She cannot fly 10 hours without her husband because she had a stroke on a four hour flight, it simply won’t work.  There, done, “DRIVER – BRING MY CAR AND BOX O’ WINE AROUND!”  They must be planning to fly first class because Porsha’s vasovagalvaginosis leg disease has not come up as a Barcelona barrier.  As this drunken debate about why Wigs can’t come continues, Marlo is so schuckered she keeps calling Wigs husband “Kort”.

As this boring, filler, episode winds down, we see Gregg milling around in Nene’s closet while she is packing, spilling wine on his shirt and wiping it off with her best throw pillow.  He can’t wait to her the “click, click” of her Louis Vuitton luggage across the tile floor and out the door – “BYE”, he yells like a 14-year old who has a raging kegger planned while the parents are out of town.

Nene and 50-Cint ride to the airport together and Nene is sporting fashion trends that I just can’t get behind, and certainly not for a 10-hour flight.  Where are your velour tracksuits, ladies?  Has SBS taught you nothing?!?!  Ever the fan of the cold-shoulder, Nene has chosen a tremendously conflicted, strappy, paisley-print poncho. along with a contraption, whereby her earrings are connected to her necklace as if she’s some kind of up-to-the-minute, hip, old-maid waiting to have her earlobes ripped out.

But I digress… as we cut between scenes to the strategically matched pairs of women riding to the airport we learn – SPOILER ALERT – Wigs-n-Cigs is not coming and everyone is PISSED.  SBS admits, quite frankly, that if she had a free man to drive her around while he sits in the parking lot waiting with adult libations, she’d be all over it too!

They didn’t give us too much preview for next week – it appears Nene and Wigs go at it, AGAIN.

Reading of the Will

Hey everybody… I don’t want to spend a ton of time on the first 45 of this episode because, yet again, the last 15 are the only minutes worth our time.  I don’t know about you, but I am feeling a little unfulfilled by the dramaticus-interrupus this week.  And to top it off, we have to wait two weeks for the continuation of the dreaded “to be continued” because there’s something going on next Sunday night, I think it’s the “Pepsico Fiesta Hoe Down Bowl”, or something like that.  The entire episode is merely prep-work for the explosive “Reading of the Will”, and no dear readers, Mama Joyce has not kicked the bucket.

We start out with Porsha, hosting Wigs-n-Cigs for a professionally prepared baby vegan meal.  Wigs has been vegetarian her whole life, and you know what else she’s done her whole life?  Made her men chauffer her around like second rate Uber drivers.  Yes, Kroy is waiting in the Suburban, AGAIN!  Wigs runs out for a red SOLO cup refill and at least has the decency to bring him a tofurky dog with extra relish.  Porsha gives Wigs the low down about how evil Kenya re-appeared from the depths of Satan’s asshole during the Houston trip.  Wigs chalks it up to being exhausted, winded, and bereft from carrying on the charade of fake marriage.  While this is all going down, the paid professional vegan chef is chuckling to herself as she sneezes into their tofu-surprise.

Wigs cooking

Kandi is prepping for an “Essence Magazine, This is What Winning Looks Like, So Suck an Eggplant Porsha” extravaganza.  Kandi has Don Juan on staff and Carmon on contract, because good, bitchy help is hard to find.  Don Juan didn’t invite Porsha, but Kandi insists, she is performing a public service really.  Porsha needs a substantial example of success.  The Kandi Koated Klique is afraid it will send the wrong message and Porsha will think they are BFF status again, but no… complicated is the order of the day, and Kandi insists on the non-passive-aggressive gesture.

50-Cint and her assistant (Hold up…I didn’t even know she had or needed an assistant), are toiling away at Lake Bailey making sushi.  Mr. Where there’s a Will, there’s a shady way, is making his maiden voyage to Lake Bailey and 50-Cint wants to impress.  After Will arrives, they attempt to finish making the sushi, but bail out and opt for the gas station container of California Rolls that 50-Cint has stashed in the fridge.  50-Cint broaches the “are we dating or seeing other people” convo, and Will waves all the red flags.  He tells her he’s not dating anyone else and he wants to settle down and have a family, but if that’s what he wants at age 37, why the hell is he involved with 50-Cint?  Oh, sorry, I’m not a man… a little slow on the uptake.  Just answered my own question – he wants to take a spin in her mahogany canoe.  Sorry Will, the lake is a bit choppy today!

Nene is back this week to give us our newest, delightful cast-mate.  Eva Marcille is a former ANTM winner, she knows Nene from LA (several years, hunni), she has a three-year-old daughter, and she’s dating Michael Sterling, who happens to be running for Mayor of the ATL.

Eva intro

Across town, Kenya takes her cousin Che along to purchase some fitness equipment in an attempt to get Question Marc to spend some time at Moore Manor.  They cop a squat on a couple of rowing machines and Kenya talks about how Marc is such an “alpha-male” (translation = controlling creepo you see on those Discovery ID re-enactments).  Kenya’s had to fall back a bit and give in to Marc’s wishes – a stick shift car, making sure she has “washing powder” for the clothes, laying out his socks and underwear for the next day, and cooking frozen Trader Joe’s pasta meals in a pan to pass them off as home-cooked.  It’s a lotta work y’all!  By this time the salesman returns with his price for the weight equipment, only $6,915 and delivery by tomorrow!  She hands him Question Marc’s AMEX card, CHA-CHING!

It’s the night of the Essence Magazine Reveal Party – Don Juan is in full-force security mode – as Porsha walks in, he speaks into the walkie talkie “WARNING — WARNING – The Underground Railroad train has arrived, all armed men in the vicinity report to the station!  SECURE THE PERIMETER!  DUCK AND COVER!”

Meanwhile, Nene and Eva are en route to the party (with Gregg as their Uber driver for the night).  Eva reveals that she met Will and his girlfriend about two months ago.  A woman who is very good with Will’s daughter, and who is incidentally… not 50-Cint!  Concurrently, at the party, we see Will tell 50-Cint that he’s been single for 2 ½ years.  Ooooh, somethin’ in the buttermilk ain’t clean, but are we really surprised this dude is sketch as f*ck?

The rest of the gang is trickling in and Papa Smurf even makes an appearance.  If there was ever a time Papa should intervene and ruin 50-Cint’s life, it’s NOW!  RELEASE THE HOUNDS, PAPA!  But naw… Peter is just making an appearance to congratulate Kandi, smoke a stogie with Todd, and slam down a few free cocktails.

Don Juan starts the stage show, Wigs is holding her red SOLO cup with her teeth so she can applaud.  At what point will that cup go out of style or just disintegrate from the levels of rubbing alcohol it contains?  Todd takes the mic and makes a really awkward speech about how his wife is so wonderful, she even invited the undesirables.  Not the way to “fly above”, homie!  Don Juan announces that Kandi just booked a part in “Chicago” on Broadway, Kandi gives her thanks and she becomes emotional.

Now for the good shit, Nene tells Kandi about Will, Carmon chimes in that she has also heard on the “street” that he “has a lady”.  Eva confirms she met said “lady” a few days before Will’s relationship with 50-Cint went public.  The heathens decide that someone should tell 50-Cint privately and not in a group setting.  Kenya takes lead on this project and Nene is reeling a bit, as in – “nuh-uh, no way is she handing off this BIG SALAD and taking credit for it!”

Big Salad 2

Kenya pulls 50-Cint aside and the minions are 2.3 seconds behind her.  50-Cint takes the news well, “I completely receive this and assume it’s coming out of love and concern for me.”  Will sidles up to 50-Cint and senses she’s upset, Kenya pulls him aside and tells him what’s up.  SHOCKINGLY, he denies everything.  50-Cint turns to him, she understands they aren’t exclusive, but she isn’t going to date a man with a girlfriend.  Sorry Will, you’re a grade-A sketchball and she’s… well she’s 50-CINT!

Will is pissed that he’s being ambushed and wants to get it all out on the table, so he calls Eva into the conversation.  As she saunters up, “well, this is quite messy!” he becomes angry and defensive.  Eva waves her acrylic fingernail of justice, pulling out her cell phone “HOLD UP, because what we’re not gonna do…”  Homegirl doesn’t play, she came prepared, with receipts.  NOT TODAY PLAYA!  NOT TODAY!

Eva - Will

As this installment of “Will and no Grace” draws to a close – he contends he met Eva seven months ago, there was no girlfriend, and clearly, he is lying.  His timeline is about as accurate as the human female gestation period according to Phaedra.  Then he says something so ludicrous, I had to run TiVo back twice and still couldn’t quite translate his playa speak… “Everything was perfect until this came along and I think that hurt me because of the perfect gentleman I was to her. Thank you, because you showed me that I have to be more better at other things.”  Back away from the psychopath slowly, I implore you, ladies.

Will - Eva - Cint

Will decides to cut and run, but not without asking Gregg if he can hit the open bar first, as if he’s the keeper of the Gin.  SBS and Wigs-n-Cigs realize the real tea party is going on outside and head over to get the dirt.  50-Cint is so over this, Louboutin’s in hand, what a  waste of an outfit and a wig.


Porsha asks 50-Cint if she’s okay, she explains everything and says she’s too old for this shit.  50-Cint wants to know any intel, that anyone has, at any time, regarding any man she dates.  With this revelation, Porsha’s Scooby Doo ears perk up – “well since you asked….”, and this is where we are left with 50-Cint tearing up and the dreaded “TO BE CONTINUED”.


Next time – Mama Joyce requests a sit-down with her Wal-Mart Death Wedgie and Porsha, Marlo is planning a trip and invites Wigs.

The Show Must Go On

It’s been a few weeks since we’ve checked in with our juicy peaches, and this episode feels like the sluggish holiday aftermath.  You know the one, that feeling you get from eating nothing but sugar and cured meats for two weeks…  Anyhoo, the main theme is the PSA on domestic violence and Kenya is in the driver’s seat.  SBS saunters in with her latest wiglette from the Wigs-n-Cigs dumpster fire collection.  Seriously, someone needs to burn this wig and terminate the stylist, STAT.


SBS wants producer cred on this PSA, but Ms. Moore-Daly is about to slam on the brakes and eject SBS from the passenger seat.  She offers SBS an “intern” position and I half-hoped for another “who gon’ check ME BOO!” moment, but my hopes were dashed quicker than a blink of a false eyelash.

While these two iron out the details – not much else is really poppin’ in the ATL.  Nene is dressed as Mrs. Roper, circa 1978 and welcomes Marlo for a tiny bowl of chips and jarred salsa.  These two have buried the hatchet and drafted a brand spankin’ new BFFL contract.  Marlo is twisting Nene’s bun to get her to attend a tea party, whereby they will sit Porsha down and hash out the tension.  Nene is only willing to participate if Porsha eats some crow and admits fault.  Sorry Nene, a few li’l loopholes here – first, Porsha is baby vegan and will eat no crow, and secondly you are contractually obligated to attend this fake-make-up sesh and pull your 82 specialty faces.  See BFFL contract Article IV, section K (b) 3.  BLOOP!


Cynthia is cookin’ up a frozen Trader Joe meal in a pan and Noelle drops in to throw some shade about Cynthia being too old for spin class, and she looks genuinely astonished that Cynthia even knows how to turn on the stove.  Will calls while this exchange is taking place and Cynthia turns into a flustered school girl.  He tells her he’d love to come by for what she’s cookin’, but only if there’s some turkey in there and Cynthia immediately offers up the whole Thanksgiving turkey.  Cynthia – have we taught you nothing?!  What happened to playing the field, TITTY CENT??  More on that later…

Cynthia gets a text from Marlo to invite her to the tea and as she reads it aloud, Noelle delivers the best line in all of housewives franchise history EVA – “Mom, you’re so weird!”  WORD!

Kandi and Todd are at the OLG restaurant, floating around, talking to customers, pretending to care.  Basically all the restaurant staff is related to Kandi, including Block’s daughter from another mama and 13 cousins thrice removed.  The actual OLG’s arrive and they are ready to air some grievances.  Todd takes them to the side before Mama Joyce whips out her Wal-Mart Wedgie of Death and Destruction, although a reenactment of that scene might do wonders for bidness!  Mama Joyce leads the charge and I’m not kidding you, it takes her Paleolithic eons to get out the sentence stating they don’t like the location of the hostess stand.  Aunt Bertha clutches her purse to her chest in anticipation, “we gonna be all night.”  Bertha doesn’t like the cooks wearing dirty pants with their shirts hanging out and they want the hostesses in uniforms.  It’s cute that Kandi and Todd allow the OLG to think they have actual input.  Kandi summons the Bravo intern, who can correct all these issues in a tight 15.

Later we learn that the GM of the restaurant couldn’t hack working with the dysfunctional octogenarian set, and basically Don Juan and Todd are holding things together with prayers and chewing gum.  They interview a General Manager candidate, Aaron Buggs, who arrives dressed like Urkel.  Aaron is impressive and has done his homework.  He proceeds to give them a full statistical breakdown of their unsatisfactory Yelp reviews, they all nod and smile, but Don Juan wants to know if he can handle the “intense personalities” – this means you, OLG!  Aaron doesn’t “bugg” under pressure (see what I did there?), but Todd knows that Mama Joyce “ampin’ on someone” will be the true test.

Porsha and Rickey Smiley are sniffing each other like two Chihuahuas at a dog park.  ‘Nuff said.  Marlo calls Porsha to make sure she’s attending the tea party/ambush.  Porsha wouldn’t miss it for the world, she and Marlo bonded over boogers on San Fran trip!

SBS is hanging out at the Chateau, wearing her home-made deep V cutout Wal-Mart sweatshirt, dutifully writing out her grocery list.  Kandi drops by to stir up some shit for good measure, Nene said Tyrone is a con-artist.  Well… Phacts by Phaedra!  SBS refutes Nene and Gregg both have mug shots, so glass houses and all.  Not sure why we need this scene other than to see SBS gettin’ crafty with her wardrobe.

SBS sweatshirt

It’s the day of the big tea confrontation and Cynthia’s boob flies out of her dress, hence the “Titty Cent” moniker.  Cynthia immediately exclaims that the tea tastes like vodka and cranberry and I think “now we’re gettin’ somewhere”, but this confrontation really never has lift off.  I was ready for Nene to read Porsha for filth, but a 12 year old tween has taken over her body and all she can come up with is “you didn’t text me back, TWICE!”  The Bravo intern must have forgotten to lay out Nene’s Geritol, her heart just isn’t in it.  Nene gives her the half-assed IDGAF apology and the decide they won’t be friends, EVA.

Finally, it’s the PSA shoot day, and it’s tough to snark on the last 15 minutes of the episode.  Shamea and Cynthia’s mother share their stories and it’s an emotional day for all.  Cynthia gives her mother a kiss on the cheek and tells her she is so proud… oh this gives me ALL the feels…

Cynthia mom

Kenya is getting agitated at SBS being extremely late, but when she reaches her by phone, she finds out SBS was rear ended in a car accident.  SBS already has bulging discs, but she’s a trooper and makes it to the set to deliver her lines.  The show must go on!

Next week – women sit down with a medium, and I can only hope for an electronic cigarette, repeat of Allison DuBois, a la RHBH!  Wigs-n-Cigs returns to confront Nene.

Will the Real Flat Marc Please Stand Up?

Everyone is poppin’ their corks this week!  After the fight between Nene and Porsha won’t come to an end, Marlo “check my charges”, drags Nene away while covering her mouth.  Funny how the tables have turned!  A few reunions ago, Nene was covering Porsha’s mouth to keep her from poppin’ off on Kenya!  Dayum, these bitches be figtin’ for 10 seasons, it’s bound to come full circle.  Kenya, Kandi, and Cynthia leave with Nene, as the elevator doors close, Nene and her wily bun run amok shout “THE DOOR IS CAAAHHH-LOSED!”  SBS and her Atomic Blonde wig feel bad for Porsha, although she completely instigated this whole blow up.  I feel bad for SBS and her poor wiglette choices.

Porsha is on the hot mess express to a total meltdown, not to be confused with the underground railroad tepid calamity express.  She doesn’t seem to have the chops to be on this show.  Kandi gets the line of the night: “Y’all made us leave before our food came!”  Guuuuurrrrl after my own heart!  Nene can’t shut up, she is outraged with the white-hot intensity of 1,000 cinnabuns.

Everyone sleeps it off and they reconvene the next day in full hangover gear – baggy clothing, hats, and large sunglasses.  Nene is already at the bar gettin’ her drank on.  SBS hopes Nene has reinforced her bun with extra bobby pins, but she is sporting a high pony, which is essentially the leftover, undone bun.  Although Porsha may rip that pony right off her scalp as if she’s starting a lawn mower.

All aboard the trolley to hell, Kenya discusses leaving early to bury her grandmother.  Porsha gets teary eyed and excuses herself, Cynthia heads to the back of the trolley to be sure she is all right and relays her own story of being put through the emotional threshing machine that is Nene Leakes.

Porsha trolley

They jump off at Fisherman’s Wharf and take a photo in front of Alcatraz, which is a perfect segue for the ladies to gossip about SBS’ love interest Tyrone.  Nene knows him from “way back” and he is a known con-artist who stole $4 million from his company.  Kandi expresses concern about Chateau Shereé around the likes of such a cunning man-friend, and Kenya can’t resist a dig, “well it’s not in her name, so…”  Chateau Thelma is SAFE!  Meanwhile, SBS, Marlo, and Porsha meandered down to Chinatown, where you get off the trolley and it feels like Tokyo!  How did you get there Porsha?  Underground railroad, wrong continent!  While in Chinatown, they ponder the vegan-ness of fortune cookies and decide to purchase some cheap props to throw a mock wedding for Kenya for the purpose of passive-aggressively cheering her up before sending her off to her grandmother’s funeral.

Later at the hotel, Marlo has reserved a conference room in the business center to stage the mock wedding, complete with a carboard cut out with a question Marc on the face.  Yes, ladies and gents… it’s “Flat Marc”.  There is some concern about how Kenya will respond, but Kandi reminds us that Kenya did throw a tasteless divorce party on the last Bravo mandated getaway to the depths of hell-fire.  Porsha has recruited a bunch of men in spandex to serve as mock-guests, and they are equipped with fake doves to fling at the bride.  The stand-in groomsman is wearing a “Henny” shirt, gold lame sneakers, and his best DERP face.  In case you missed it:


Surprisingly, Kenya takes it like a champ, but leave Porsha to drop Flat Marc on the floor during the ceremony.  YOU HAD ONE JOB!  After the joke is over, Porsha pulls Kandi aside to apologize again, but bitch ain’t havin’ it, nor should she.

Flat Marc

The final day of the trip, SBS decides that a four-hour commute to Napa is in order.  JESUS.  TAKE.  THE.  WHEEL.  AND.  WHATEVER.  MECHANISM.  WITH.  WHICH.  A.  TRAIN. IS.  DRIVEN.  On the hot mess express, Porsha gets waylaid in the bathroom because she had to bust a deuce.  She gets stuck with the last seat in the train car, directly across from her two arch-enemies, Kenya and Kandi.  Porsha orders a vegan meal and Kandi and Kenya give her about another week before she’s tearin’ into some chicken wangs like a savage wildebeest.  Kandi agrees that Porsha can benefit from any type of diet and says out loud “You was gettin’ a li’l chunky”.  HOLD UP – I suppose we can let that one slide, Kandi, ‘cuz you was pregnant for 18 months [oh wait, that was Phaedra], but c’mon guuurrrrl.  Who here can’t miss a meal?!  Who has Domino’s on speed dial?  Anyhoo – Kenya starts going on about how her husband likes her smaller, toned smaller, hates makeup, he loves strong, successful women, but she can’t be an alpha woman at home.  Welp – I give Porsha’s vegan diet better odds than this marriage.  Does Flat Marc realize whom he has married?  At the other table, SBS discusses Tyrone, Nene asks if “he gonna come by trickin’ stocks”, but SBS assures us all, he is in da’ joint for wire and securities fraud only.

The train is finally at the station, and they roll up to the Raymond vineyard.  The host, Jean-Charles, hands Porsha the Sabre to cut the neck of the Champagne bottle.  Ummm… Jean-Charles, maybe you didn’t receive a copy of the itinerary, but this woman should not be handed sharp objects.  Surprisingly, Porsha sabres the champagne bottle on the first try.  Kenya decides to point out the single ladies so that JC can focus his flirting on them.  He feeds the single ladies bunches of grapes, Porsha and Cynthia daintily take a grape, but Marlo “check my charges”, hoovers it down like she’s Monica Lewinsky.  SBS makes an astute observation, now we know how Marlo affords all her designer clothes and fancy cars.  Jean-Charles announces that he’s married and has two daughters.  Porsha’s whole demeanor shifts, “c’mon with the tour, chile!”

grapes - marlo

They take their shoes off to smash the grapes in tubs and Porsha wigs out because she arrives at the startling realization that she has been swilling down “feet juice” all this time.  Nene declines the grape smushing, citing the most amazeballs excuse I’ve ever heard, “I don’t want to get my big toe wet”.  I’m filing that one in my rolodex of excuses not to do something!

After Kenya leaves the group, the ladies head out to a special dinner at the vineyard.  Jean-Charles serves them a wine they make with John Legend, Nene immediately tweets “who do I have to blow for a case of John Legend’s wine!?!?”  Haha, where is Wigs-n-Cigs when you need her?

SBS toasts to Kandi’s recent Essence magazine cover, Kandi reveals that she and Todd did a drive-by of Flat Marc’s restaurant while in NYC, but they did not go inside.  Perfect segue for the ladies to question the existence of Flat Marc and Marlo takes a quick show of hands on who thinks the marriage is real.  Cynthia ain’t havin’ it and she walks out, Nene follows her out to diminish her feelings and basically tell her there’s no reason to be upset.  So… I guess poppin’ off in a rage-fueled, bun-unraveling, outburst is better?  Cynthia understands the marriage situation isn’t normal, but she’s trying to respect Kenya’s process with it, pursuant to section VIII, 15.8 (d) of the Friendship Contract.  Cynthia returns to the table and finally admits that she is hurt that Kenya didn’t invite her to the wedding and that she still hasn’t met the real Flat Marc.

Slim shady

Next week:  Cynthia confronts Kenya about Marc, Porsha starts dating and may go for some white meat, and Kandi confronts Cynthia’s boyfriend Will about appearing on the Steve Harvey show for dating.

Seeing White

This holiday season, my red Solo cup runneth over.  Yes, the big moment has arrived – the return of Kim Zolciak, a.k.a. Wigs-n-Cigs!  And let me say, dear readers, she does not disappoint!  Let’s get into it, so we can get straight to the stuff that dreams are made of!

Jack Daniels is making a Chateau house call, he and SBS sit down for a quick sesh, SBS still hasn’t had her discussion with her children and the Coalition for Domestic Violence has asked her to do some public speaking.  Jack Daniels warns she is putting the cart before the horse – speak to your children first before you go public as the face for domestic violence.  Jack seems to give her a pass on the past-due assignment and gives her an easy assignment for spring break, he senses that SBS needs some “me time”, damnit!  Go to a hotel, sip some Jack Daniels, and order up some fried chicken and mac-n-cheeze!

Kandi is making her exit from the drama this week and she heads out to NYC to shoot a cover for Essence Magazine.  Don Juan shows up to assist Kandi with packing since Carmon is no longer running point on this project.  He’s completely befuddled as he stares into her empty Hello Kitty suitcase, oh and by the way… they have no hotel reserved in NYC.  Kandi suggests they check out Trump Towner since nobody is staying there anymore.  Yea Kandi, only you and the Russian Mafia.

When Kandi arrives at Essence, we get to see her without makeup.  Let’s just say high def TV is not her friend.  The village people get her fixed right up and she kills it.  The editor drops in on the shoot and informs Kandi this will be the “confidence” issue.  I am “confident” that Kandi will be exiting this show soon.  I think the debacle of last season has taken its toll.

Kandi Essence

Lauren finally returns to Porsha Palace, but since Jack Daniels isn’t available, they settle for their cousin Tiffany to mediate their latest sister drama.  Porsha smooths is over and they chalk it up to single mother stress, until the next meltdown.  There is no Jack Daniels life coaching going on here, Porsha Palace Enterprises relies solely on Hennessey to do the heavy lifting.  Later, the two get down to bidness and contemplate which wig styles will pay for their children’s college educations.

Nene and Gregg are shuffling around their McMansion after his return home from the hospital.  Gregg has no blockage, just a pesky, irregular heartbeat he inherited from his father.  Nene is actually seen here without makeup, lookin’ like an average person you see fondling produce down at the Publix.  Gregg jokes that maybe his health issues are due to Nene wearing him out, yea that’s just the tip of this iceberg.  Rather than tend to Gregg’s health, Nene decides to sit down with some friends, Mynique and Brandon – not to be confused with Kenya’s gay accessory Brandon.  They are helping Nene plan an oddly specific themed party, “All White Never Forget Girls and Gays Event, HUNNI!”  The longer the name of the party theme, the bigger the cluster f*ck of epic proportion.  Brandon isn’t entirely down with the “never forget” theme, but it’s the perfect segue to discuss slow, dingy Porsha who can’t remember she has been to Nene’s house before.  Porsha isn’t on the guest list, but rather the Nene DGAF list.

Kenya and SBS meet up for a spin class.  The most valuable thing we learn here, dear reader, is not that they have cleared up their messiness, but that SBS wears a size 10 shoe.  After the workout, the sit down for a smoothie and Kenya asks SBS to assist her with a PSA for domestic violence.  SBS will check her schedule and list of conflicts of interest and have her people get back to Kenya’s people.  During the sitting, SBS receives a text from Nene inviting her to the “All White Never Forget” theme party.

When Cynthia isn’t tied up at the Bailey Skewl for Wayward Models, she is busy with her new flame, Will.  She meets him for some mid-day ice cream where they have chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.  What in the love of all that is good and decent?!?!?  Someone get these two to 31 Flavors… STAT!  Will informs Cynthia that his Google alerts on himself are blowing up.  How on earth did he end up mentioned in all of these trashy blogs?!?!  DERP FACE… I dunno, you showed your dumb ass on a Bravo Real Housewives show, what did you expect Will I Am, Regretting What I’ve Gotten Myself Into!  Cynthia gives him the “duck and cover” crash course of being in the d-list public eye.  Important to note here – Cynthia also has minimal makeup on and she is the only one on this cast who can pull it off.  She always looks totally amazing.  Will doesn’t seem too disturbed that he is about to board the Real Housewives roller coaster descent into the deepest level of hell and he’s ready to visit Lake Bailey inside and out!  Cynthia promises he can come over for dinner, sometime… soon.

Cynthia - Will

It’s the day of Nene’s party with the ever-lengthening theme, “Girls and Gays Never Forget All White Party Seafood Soirée” rolls up on the banner at the bottom of the screen.  Oh Bravo intern, how you mess with our minds!  The shirtless men from Shamea’s bridal shower are filing in and a very special guest arrives in her bath robe and slippers.  It’s none other than Marlo “check my charges” Hampton!  She and Nene ran into each other a few weeks ago and argued in a parking lot for 30-minutes over a handicapped parking spot, but hey girrrl, hey, they worked it out and Nene invited her to the “All white, how could you forget, this event is going to be a tumbledown shit show, shucked seafood soirée!”

Meanwhile, across town, SBS drops by to pick up Wigs-n-Cigs and prep for the “All white, how could you forget, trot out your favorite gay friend as if he/she were an out-dated hair scrunchi, and c’mon down to the parade of unstable slut-tards event!”.  They fill their Solo Cups full o’ boxed wine and get down to the de-briefing.  Nene doesn’t know Wigs is coming, but SBS is bringing Wigs as her gay party guest, since Wigs plays for both teams.  This party theme has officially gone off the rails.  Wigs warns SBS that Nene may slam the door in their faces because Wigs busted Nene out parking her Bentley in a handicapped spot at TJ Maxx.

It is here in this scene, SBS is laying foundation for the Bravo mandated cast trip from the depths of hellfire, with her newfound freedom she thinks the girls should take a trip.  Wigs is totally down, but wants to know more about the “dumb beyotch” she met at Chateau Shereé (this means you, Kenya).  Wigs heard she married a man-fan and she’s tryna start a family with 46 year-old eggs!  Wigs-n-Cigs has her fightin’ spanx on tonight!

Cynthia and Derek J. arrive at the party, grab some chicken wings, and sit down for some real talk – Derek J. isn’t a fan of Nene’s party theme, he finds it a bit offensive.  PREACH!  But nevertheless, he will participate, because umm… chicken drummies and mini-tacos.  Marlo walks over and thank goodness for thick, meaty thighs because her dress was slit so high, you could almost see her hoo-ha.

Nene spots Wigs across the pool and Kenya is already calling for SECURITY!  Nene invites the girls to navigate the turf in their 6” stilettos and hobble inside to cool off and simultaneously heat things up.  Wigs calls Nene out for parking in the handicapped space and Nene claims she was with her imaginary friend who happens to be handicapped.  Marlo asks Kenya when she will meet the new husband and Wigs decides to poke the bear “it ain’t gonna f*ckin’ happen bitch, because he don’t exist!”  Wigs keeps muttering “it ain’t gonna happen, he doesn’t f*ckin’ exist” under her breath, on a loop.  She is out for blood and Kenya can’t hold back any longer.  Kenya takes a jab about Wigs having a “hard on” for her, “didn’t they cut that thing off during your reassignment surgery?”  Annnnd…. it’s on like Ping Pong!  Kenya plays her Ace and slams Wigs for pimping out her daughter for John Legend tickets.  In case you missed it:

Kim twitter

Both ladies jump to their heels – LETMETELLYOUSOMETHINGBITCH!  And if you aren’t chortling your head off right now, you must be heavily sedated.  Both ladies need to be restrained, and then we are met with the dreaded phrase that sends me into a deep chasm of despair… “to be continued”!

Kim fight

Pitchin’ and Bitchin’

The ladies are still on the party bus of doom, careening off the rails, straight to the campground of sweltering obliteration.  When they arrive, Phaedra announces she only planned for six rooms, so a few attendees with their un-invited plus ones will need to bunk up.  Marlo swiftly guarantees her single room status by announcing that she has horrific gastro-intestinitis, sphylkis of the ganectagazoink, which leaves everyone immediately revolted.

Luckily, Phaedra has planned the first night to be spent in the wild sleeping in tents, so Marlo’s gaseous emissions will be able to become one with the wind.  Before they head out to pitch tents for two hours, Marlo and SBS take a quick moment to caucus and decide that at some point SBS will bring up the latest gossip about Kandi dippin’ in the lady pond.  SBS is doing a public service, really… how can these “frienemies” bond when they can’t be honest with each other.  SBS, you are a Bravo producer’s dream.

The ladies re-board the party bus to hellfire and attempt to set up camp.  Everyone struggles with their tents, except Phaedra who decides to just camp out in her party print maxi-dress.  In the first low blow of the night, Kenya asks SBS for help with her air mattress since SBS has extensive expertise.  Let’s not leave out Phaedra, who used to kick it with Apollo on his air matters for their 2:00 a.m. booty courtship calls.

When they finally settle by the campfire, the focus is on Marlo – she has actually taken the time to bedazzle her can of “OFF” and her flashlight.  Phaedra asks Marlo what is on-trend besides bedazzled insect repellent cans and camel toe.  Marlo recommends lashes and suggests Kenya get better ones.  Lauren asks about this underlying rift between Marlo and Kenya and they hash it out over the non-invites to Kenya’s recent parties.  Giiirrrllll…you didn’t miss much!  Kenya has already apologized and isn’t going back down that bedazzled road.  Marlo takes another swing, calls Kenya miserable, her earrings and eyelashes a disaster, you can’t keep a broke man, and your own mother won’t even talk to you.  LOW.  EFFING.  BLOW.  EVEN.  FOR.  YOU.  MARLO.  YOU.  STANK.  ASS.  HO!  Although the other insults were on point.  Phaedra puts the kibosh on the trash talk and delivers an inspirational pep talk about how they should come together as sistas and not call each other prostitutes and ho’s.  Good call, Counselor!  Meanwhile, SBS is huddled up in her sleeping bag, bustin’ at the seams with her lesbian rumor agenda, just waiting for the prime moment to pounce.  She is a mess on wheels.


The next day, they all sport their on-trend camel toe outfits to lunch and Kenya asks Phaedra how goes the divorce process.  Kandi points out that if one spouse goes to jail, she heard that the state would grant a divorce within 60 days….or some shit like dat.  Porsha comes to the defense of her bestie, stating that Apollo is the one holding up the show because he doesn’t want the divorce.  Let’s leave the legal stuff to Counselor Parks, shall we?  Anyhoo, Cynthia diffuses the tension by updating the crew on her divorce, which will be final very soon, but Papa Smurf wasn’t at the final signing.  Cynthia becomes emotional, she wanted that one last good bye with Papa, but I guess it hasn’t occurred to her that seeing her may be too painful for him considering she rebuffed his invitation to head back to his air mattress, while they said goodbye at Club One.  That was your big moment to get you some break-up sex, Cynthia!  Have these ho’s you are surrounded by taught you NOTHING?!?!?  The ladies rally around Cynthia, reaffirm that she is beautiful, smart, and successful, and will find a man to rise up to meet her standards.  Now there’s some real support!

They head out to meet a camp ground crew dude, who looks like he just rolled off of Willie Nelson’s tour bus.  He orders them into the kayaks and paddle boats, and gives them a good shove into the polluted cesspool they call a lake.  SBS freaks out as if someone set her weave and her favorite Fabletics leggings on fire, I haven’t heard SBS shriek like that since “who gon’ check me, boo?”


She cannot have non-chlorinated water near her vagina, and who knows what else lurks in those waters.  After the boating bust, the ladies are ordered to free fall into a fiery abyss from 100 feet up.  Most of the ladies participate and do so with grace and coolness, but leave it to Porsha to have a full-blown, hyperventilation, crying, laughing, freak out.  I mean, what’s the worst that could happen, you break a toe nail?


The last 15 minutes of the show concludes with the death dinner of truth.  Kenya apologizes to Marlo once again, Marlo apologizes for the mother comment and they both accept, with a grain of salt.  The gang is barely past their opening cocktail and Marlo asks Kandi if she is a lesbian.  SBS and Porsha must have been attending discount acting classes in between Anger Management and working out, they both act totally shocked by this rumor.


Kandi demands to know who said it and SBS won’t name names and gives everyone an opportunity to own up to it.  Phaedra is sucking back her wine as if it were black tar heroin.  SBS finally calls out Porsha, and then Porsha admits to insinuating Kandi was a lesbian, but chalks it up to a shady moment.  Production flashes back “Two Minutes Earlier”, to Porsha doing an impression of an unwise owl “WHO?  WHO? WHA? WHO SAID THAT?”  Comedy.  Gold.  Porsha tries to slide Phaedra into the mix with her Shamea comment, accompanied by international hand gesture for sexual intercourse, but it becomes a little glossed over with all the additional pandemonium and screeching.  Kandi clarifies that she is happy with her husband, she admits she has experimented, but she isn’t the only one who has dipped in the lady pond (Porsha this means you!)  It turns into a word-war between Kandi and Porsha about who did what, who knows what, who has been where, who tossed a salad, who performed a reach around, who fully immersed in the lady pond, and who’s full of shit.  In the end, Kandi thanks SBS for letting her know what was said behind her back, but this is not over.


The groups retire to their respective rooms to hash through their own versions of what just went down.  Kandi gets line of the night, “when she [Porsha] gets drunk, she becomes an aggressive lesbian.”

We have a teaser for “this season” on RHATL, which shows some upcoming drama – a trip to Maui, SBS finally moving into Chateau by Sheree, Cynthia and Peter playing kissy face, Phaedra pulling some shadiness with her divorce, Porsha is pregnant, SBS and Bob falling back in love and then apart, Apollo is engaged, Kim “wigs’-n-cigs” Zolciak returns, and Kandi Vaseline’s her face up, ready to fight Porsha.

The Doctor is IN

Kenya and Phaedra are pretending to shop for glamping, as if they are going on a real trip where they will be “roughing it” and roasting marshmallows on sticks.  Meanwhile, the Bravo intern is hard at work constructing a “Survivor-style” set where they can pretend to sit around and argue to provide enough footage for the last 15 minutes of the next episode.  Phaedra calls Kenya out for throwing around her gasoline and matches at the anger mismanagement non-dinner and suggests she take it easy on ol’ Porsha, but the Glamping supply store is fresh out of their “Irrational Skank Compassion Kit.”  Phaedra gives her the “I’ll take that under advisement” side-eye as she pays for a collapsible poop shovel.


Porsha is contemplating going on the glamping trip from hell, but not without an anger mismanagement tune up.  The therapist checks in on homework assignments and Porsha admits she was tested.  Doc diagnoses her with a flimsy support system at best and encourages her to go on the trip, map out all the possible scenarios that could go down, and then plan her response to each scenario.  This sounds like an awful lotta paperwork to complete in order to go sit in the dirt and eat raw hot dogs.  If she weren’t contractually obligated to go, I would recommend she stay home and try out her DIY vagina resurfacing kit.

Cynthia stops by Moore Manor and offers her friendship-contract, relationship-counseling, wavering-mediator services to Kenya and Matt.  Kenya agrees that Cynthia should have a sit down with him and I am asking myself “why are we still entertaining this relationship?”  I thought we all agreed after he hulked out and effed up Moore Manor and Range Rover, that we were done with him and done replacing garage windows!  Cynthia sits down with Matt, her trusty notebook, and mechanical pencil.  She asks Matt for succinct bullet points, which she can then transform into a convincing Power Point to take back to Kenya.  Communication, respect, and an occasional turkey sandwich is all she gets out of him.  Cynthia alludes to Kenya being a bit of a drama queen, he a drama king, annnnd the Dr. is OUT!  Matt compensates Cynthia for her professional counseling sesh by giving her a crumpled-up coupon he finds in his pocket for a free snack-size hot wing with drink purchase at Bar None.


Kenya pops in at Cynthia’s new lake house and they cop a squat on the dock overlooking the green water to review the Matt shakedown.  Cynthia is all like – “uh Matt why you keep breakin’ Kenya’s stuff?”  It boils down to lack of respect, and his reaction is in direct response to her action.  Kenya calls bullshit and her weave hairs stand up.  Cynthia points out the dramatics, but Kenya denies “I’m not that girl, I have evolved, I have been ride or die with you!”  I think she may have that tattooed somewhere on her body.  Cynthia explains that she did stand up for Kenya, but Kenya is not ready to receive this message.  It brings her back to a darker time when Cynthia denied their friendship, but labeled it as “evolving”.  Kenya gets madder than a wet hen, questions Cynthia’s loyalty, then storms off.  Precisely proving Cynthia’s point.


Kandi throws a surprise white party for Shamea’s engagement, but none of the cast-mates received the white memo.  Shamea arrives, but becomes teary-eyed when she learns Porsha won’t be attending.  Kandi takes the cast-mates up to the roof-top deck for a more intimate shade-throwing sesh.  Kandi explains what’s been going on and why Porsha is MIA, then SBS picks this ripe moment to let the cat out of the bag – Phaedra has been running around town saying that Shamea goes after all of the ATL huzzzbands and her BFFL, Porsha, didn’t defend her.  Shamea is like “whatevs!”  If that were the case, she would have hooked up with Apollo because he made many, many attempts at her.  To top off the shit sundae, she says that Phaedra is no “Southern Belle” and word was very heavy on the streets about Ms. Parks.  Shamea makes her own counter-blasting hand gesture, indicating that Ms. Parks is open for bidness and takes oral transactions.


Later, Porsha visits Shamea to make up for her absence at the white-party engagement hootenanny, but Shamea feels that with all of Porsha’s anger mismanagement training, she should have put those personal issues in a box and showed her face by Crayola.  Shamea also asks why her BFFL didn’t defend her in the Phace of Phaedra’s trash talkin’.  Porsha plays dumb, and thinks this was all said in the underground railroad where cameras and mics are forbidden.  ROLL.  THE.  MUTHA.  EFFEN.  TAPE!  Shamea seems fairly forgiving, so she lets it go for now realizing her BFFL is dumb as a box o’ peach pits.

It’s the day of the glamping trip, and we are treated to the dueling pre-party snack-spreads of calamity.  Kenya actually puts out a descent spread for the ladies in anticipation of much fortitude required for riding the li’l party bus from hell.


Over at Chateu She Ain’t Doin’ Shit over there…SBS puts a card table on her front porch with some mini-muffins still in the store-bought containers, a roll of paper towels, lukewarm champagne, and plastic cups.  If I didn’t know any better, I would think she was prepping for the Bad Mom’s bake sale.


Cynthia arrives at Kenya’s, waving her “it’s all good” white flag in hopes that she hasn’t entered breach of friend contract territory.  Cynthia reassures Kenya that she always has her back, they toast, and make up.  Phaedra arrives and is more preoccupied about the disappearance of Porsha at all recent Bravo-mandated events.  How can she Frick without her Frack?

A few foreclosed lots away, Marlo is first to arrive at SBS and her sad display.  Marlo is wearing a statement necklace, which appears as if it could decapitate her at any moment.  Marlo is not down for glamping, all she has packed are 5” heels and her dominatrix gear.  Porsha shows up, but she has a new Frick in her back pocket by way of sister/manager/peach-holdin’ wannabe, Lauren.  And they are dressed exactly alike in cheap tank tops and cut-off Daisy Duke’s.  Porsha tries to have a chat with SBS, whom she lovingly dubs “Ms. Messy”.  But SBS will not be destroyed, she felt it was only fair to share the gossip with all of America.  SBS holds the peach of truth and will not rest until these crazy beyotches stop talkin’ about each other!

Once they are all aboard the party bus, everyone starts becoming quite miffed about various things.  Kandi has a plus one with her friend Hazel, no one seems to want Marlo around, Porsha labels Phaedra and Kenya the new Frack and Whack, and Cynthia asks why Lauren is there.  Leave it to Porsha to produce a “doctors note”, Phaedra snatches it from her hand and reads it aloud as if it were a joke.  Kandi and Kenya immediately start in, they think Porsha is full of shit.  Phaedra is bummed, they aren’t even outside the city limits and the wheels are coming off the party bus.

Next time – the glamping begins and tensions rise with Marlo and well, everyone.