Pitchin’ and Bitchin’

The ladies are still on the party bus of doom, careening off the rails, straight to the campground of sweltering obliteration.  When they arrive, Phaedra announces she only planned for six rooms, so a few attendees with their un-invited plus ones will need to bunk up.  Marlo swiftly guarantees her single room status by announcing that she has horrific gastro-intestinitis, sphylkis of the ganectagazoink, which leaves everyone immediately revolted.

Luckily, Phaedra has planned the first night to be spent in the wild sleeping in tents, so Marlo’s gaseous emissions will be able to become one with the wind.  Before they head out to pitch tents for two hours, Marlo and SBS take a quick moment to caucus and decide that at some point SBS will bring up the latest gossip about Kandi dippin’ in the lady pond.  SBS is doing a public service, really… how can these “frienemies” bond when they can’t be honest with each other.  SBS, you are a Bravo producer’s dream.

The ladies re-board the party bus to hellfire and attempt to set up camp.  Everyone struggles with their tents, except Phaedra who decides to just camp out in her party print maxi-dress.  In the first low blow of the night, Kenya asks SBS for help with her air mattress since SBS has extensive expertise.  Let’s not leave out Phaedra, who used to kick it with Apollo on his air matters for their 2:00 a.m. booty courtship calls.

When they finally settle by the campfire, the focus is on Marlo – she has actually taken the time to bedazzle her can of “OFF” and her flashlight.  Phaedra asks Marlo what is on-trend besides bedazzled insect repellent cans and camel toe.  Marlo recommends lashes and suggests Kenya get better ones.  Lauren asks about this underlying rift between Marlo and Kenya and they hash it out over the non-invites to Kenya’s recent parties.  Giiirrrllll…you didn’t miss much!  Kenya has already apologized and isn’t going back down that bedazzled road.  Marlo takes another swing, calls Kenya miserable, her earrings and eyelashes a disaster, you can’t keep a broke man, and your own mother won’t even talk to you.  LOW.  EFFING.  BLOW.  EVEN.  FOR.  YOU.  MARLO.  YOU.  STANK.  ASS.  HO!  Although the other insults were on point.  Phaedra puts the kibosh on the trash talk and delivers an inspirational pep talk about how they should come together as sistas and not call each other prostitutes and ho’s.  Good call, Counselor!  Meanwhile, SBS is huddled up in her sleeping bag, bustin’ at the seams with her lesbian rumor agenda, just waiting for the prime moment to pounce.  She is a mess on wheels.

pitching-tents

The next day, they all sport their on-trend camel toe outfits to lunch and Kenya asks Phaedra how goes the divorce process.  Kandi points out that if one spouse goes to jail, she heard that the state would grant a divorce within 60 days….or some shit like dat.  Porsha comes to the defense of her bestie, stating that Apollo is the one holding up the show because he doesn’t want the divorce.  Let’s leave the legal stuff to Counselor Parks, shall we?  Anyhoo, Cynthia diffuses the tension by updating the crew on her divorce, which will be final very soon, but Papa Smurf wasn’t at the final signing.  Cynthia becomes emotional, she wanted that one last good bye with Papa, but I guess it hasn’t occurred to her that seeing her may be too painful for him considering she rebuffed his invitation to head back to his air mattress, while they said goodbye at Club One.  That was your big moment to get you some break-up sex, Cynthia!  Have these ho’s you are surrounded by taught you NOTHING?!?!?  The ladies rally around Cynthia, reaffirm that she is beautiful, smart, and successful, and will find a man to rise up to meet her standards.  Now there’s some real support!

They head out to meet a camp ground crew dude, who looks like he just rolled off of Willie Nelson’s tour bus.  He orders them into the kayaks and paddle boats, and gives them a good shove into the polluted cesspool they call a lake.  SBS freaks out as if someone set her weave and her favorite Fabletics leggings on fire, I haven’t heard SBS shriek like that since “who gon’ check me, boo?”

sheree-paddleboat

She cannot have non-chlorinated water near her vagina, and who knows what else lurks in those waters.  After the boating bust, the ladies are ordered to free fall into a fiery abyss from 100 feet up.  Most of the ladies participate and do so with grace and coolness, but leave it to Porsha to have a full-blown, hyperventilation, crying, laughing, freak out.  I mean, what’s the worst that could happen, you break a toe nail?

high-jump

The last 15 minutes of the show concludes with the death dinner of truth.  Kenya apologizes to Marlo once again, Marlo apologizes for the mother comment and they both accept, with a grain of salt.  The gang is barely past their opening cocktail and Marlo asks Kandi if she is a lesbian.  SBS and Porsha must have been attending discount acting classes in between Anger Management and working out, they both act totally shocked by this rumor.

marlo-asks-kandi

Kandi demands to know who said it and SBS won’t name names and gives everyone an opportunity to own up to it.  Phaedra is sucking back her wine as if it were black tar heroin.  SBS finally calls out Porsha, and then Porsha admits to insinuating Kandi was a lesbian, but chalks it up to a shady moment.  Production flashes back “Two Minutes Earlier”, to Porsha doing an impression of an unwise owl “WHO?  WHO? WHA? WHO SAID THAT?”  Comedy.  Gold.  Porsha tries to slide Phaedra into the mix with her Shamea comment, accompanied by international hand gesture for sexual intercourse, but it becomes a little glossed over with all the additional pandemonium and screeching.  Kandi clarifies that she is happy with her husband, she admits she has experimented, but she isn’t the only one who has dipped in the lady pond (Porsha this means you!)  It turns into a word-war between Kandi and Porsha about who did what, who knows what, who has been where, who tossed a salad, who performed a reach around, who fully immersed in the lady pond, and who’s full of shit.  In the end, Kandi thanks SBS for letting her know what was said behind her back, but this is not over.

kandi-confront-rumor

The groups retire to their respective rooms to hash through their own versions of what just went down.  Kandi gets line of the night, “when she [Porsha] gets drunk, she becomes an aggressive lesbian.”

We have a teaser for “this season” on RHATL, which shows some upcoming drama – a trip to Maui, SBS finally moving into Chateau by Sheree, Cynthia and Peter playing kissy face, Phaedra pulling some shadiness with her divorce, Porsha is pregnant, SBS and Bob falling back in love and then apart, Apollo is engaged, Kim “wigs’-n-cigs” Zolciak returns, and Kandi Vaseline’s her face up, ready to fight Porsha.

The Doctor is IN

Kenya and Phaedra are pretending to shop for glamping, as if they are going on a real trip where they will be “roughing it” and roasting marshmallows on sticks.  Meanwhile, the Bravo intern is hard at work constructing a “Survivor-style” set where they can pretend to sit around and argue to provide enough footage for the last 15 minutes of the next episode.  Phaedra calls Kenya out for throwing around her gasoline and matches at the anger mismanagement non-dinner and suggests she take it easy on ol’ Porsha, but the Glamping supply store is fresh out of their “Irrational Skank Compassion Kit.”  Phaedra gives her the “I’ll take that under advisement” side-eye as she pays for a collapsible poop shovel.

phaedra-side-eye

Porsha is contemplating going on the glamping trip from hell, but not without an anger mismanagement tune up.  The therapist checks in on homework assignments and Porsha admits she was tested.  Doc diagnoses her with a flimsy support system at best and encourages her to go on the trip, map out all the possible scenarios that could go down, and then plan her response to each scenario.  This sounds like an awful lotta paperwork to complete in order to go sit in the dirt and eat raw hot dogs.  If she weren’t contractually obligated to go, I would recommend she stay home and try out her DIY vagina resurfacing kit.

Cynthia stops by Moore Manor and offers her friendship-contract, relationship-counseling, wavering-mediator services to Kenya and Matt.  Kenya agrees that Cynthia should have a sit down with him and I am asking myself “why are we still entertaining this relationship?”  I thought we all agreed after he hulked out and effed up Moore Manor and Range Rover, that we were done with him and done replacing garage windows!  Cynthia sits down with Matt, her trusty notebook, and mechanical pencil.  She asks Matt for succinct bullet points, which she can then transform into a convincing Power Point to take back to Kenya.  Communication, respect, and an occasional turkey sandwich is all she gets out of him.  Cynthia alludes to Kenya being a bit of a drama queen, he a drama king, annnnd the Dr. is OUT!  Matt compensates Cynthia for her professional counseling sesh by giving her a crumpled-up coupon he finds in his pocket for a free snack-size hot wing with drink purchase at Bar None.

dr-is-in

Kenya pops in at Cynthia’s new lake house and they cop a squat on the dock overlooking the green water to review the Matt shakedown.  Cynthia is all like – “uh Matt why you keep breakin’ Kenya’s stuff?”  It boils down to lack of respect, and his reaction is in direct response to her action.  Kenya calls bullshit and her weave hairs stand up.  Cynthia points out the dramatics, but Kenya denies “I’m not that girl, I have evolved, I have been ride or die with you!”  I think she may have that tattooed somewhere on her body.  Cynthia explains that she did stand up for Kenya, but Kenya is not ready to receive this message.  It brings her back to a darker time when Cynthia denied their friendship, but labeled it as “evolving”.  Kenya gets madder than a wet hen, questions Cynthia’s loyalty, then storms off.  Precisely proving Cynthia’s point.

kenya-lake

Kandi throws a surprise white party for Shamea’s engagement, but none of the cast-mates received the white memo.  Shamea arrives, but becomes teary-eyed when she learns Porsha won’t be attending.  Kandi takes the cast-mates up to the roof-top deck for a more intimate shade-throwing sesh.  Kandi explains what’s been going on and why Porsha is MIA, then SBS picks this ripe moment to let the cat out of the bag – Phaedra has been running around town saying that Shamea goes after all of the ATL huzzzbands and her BFFL, Porsha, didn’t defend her.  Shamea is like “whatevs!”  If that were the case, she would have hooked up with Apollo because he made many, many attempts at her.  To top off the shit sundae, she says that Phaedra is no “Southern Belle” and word was very heavy on the streets about Ms. Parks.  Shamea makes her own counter-blasting hand gesture, indicating that Ms. Parks is open for bidness and takes oral transactions.

shamea-shocked

Later, Porsha visits Shamea to make up for her absence at the white-party engagement hootenanny, but Shamea feels that with all of Porsha’s anger mismanagement training, she should have put those personal issues in a box and showed her face by Crayola.  Shamea also asks why her BFFL didn’t defend her in the Phace of Phaedra’s trash talkin’.  Porsha plays dumb, and thinks this was all said in the underground railroad where cameras and mics are forbidden.  ROLL.  THE.  MUTHA.  EFFEN.  TAPE!  Shamea seems fairly forgiving, so she lets it go for now realizing her BFFL is dumb as a box o’ peach pits.

It’s the day of the glamping trip, and we are treated to the dueling pre-party snack-spreads of calamity.  Kenya actually puts out a descent spread for the ladies in anticipation of much fortitude required for riding the li’l party bus from hell.

kenya-spread

Over at Chateu She Ain’t Doin’ Shit over there…SBS puts a card table on her front porch with some mini-muffins still in the store-bought containers, a roll of paper towels, lukewarm champagne, and plastic cups.  If I didn’t know any better, I would think she was prepping for the Bad Mom’s bake sale.

sbs-bake-sale

Cynthia arrives at Kenya’s, waving her “it’s all good” white flag in hopes that she hasn’t entered breach of friend contract territory.  Cynthia reassures Kenya that she always has her back, they toast, and make up.  Phaedra arrives and is more preoccupied about the disappearance of Porsha at all recent Bravo-mandated events.  How can she Frick without her Frack?

A few foreclosed lots away, Marlo is first to arrive at SBS and her sad display.  Marlo is wearing a statement necklace, which appears as if it could decapitate her at any moment.  Marlo is not down for glamping, all she has packed are 5” heels and her dominatrix gear.  Porsha shows up, but she has a new Frick in her back pocket by way of sister/manager/peach-holdin’ wannabe, Lauren.  And they are dressed exactly alike in cheap tank tops and cut-off Daisy Duke’s.  Porsha tries to have a chat with SBS, whom she lovingly dubs “Ms. Messy”.  But SBS will not be destroyed, she felt it was only fair to share the gossip with all of America.  SBS holds the peach of truth and will not rest until these crazy beyotches stop talkin’ about each other!

Once they are all aboard the party bus, everyone starts becoming quite miffed about various things.  Kandi has a plus one with her friend Hazel, no one seems to want Marlo around, Porsha labels Phaedra and Kenya the new Frack and Whack, and Cynthia asks why Lauren is there.  Leave it to Porsha to produce a “doctors note”, Phaedra snatches it from her hand and reads it aloud as if it were a joke.  Kandi and Kenya immediately start in, they think Porsha is full of shit.  Phaedra is bummed, they aren’t even outside the city limits and the wheels are coming off the party bus.

Next time – the glamping begins and tensions rise with Marlo and well, everyone.

Customer Appreciation

Another boring week in the ATL, I don’t know about y’all, but I am ready to ditch these lackluster peaches for some new drama in the form of RHOPotomac!  Shamea opens this week by stopping by the Kandi Koated Kerfuffle Factory, plopping down in the hot pink pleather inquisition chair, and confronting the Kandi Koated Klique.  Don Juan immediately adopts his “Bitch, Please” deportment of disgust and Kandi knows right away that there’s a problem she missed while at the dippin’ sauce corral.  Carmon jumps in on the action and she and Don Juan rip Shamea to shreds and can’t believe she is taking information from a sorry ass beyotch who doesn’t even know that the Underground Railroad isn’t an actual train.  This means you, Porsha Williams-Stewart!  Kandi handles the skirmish calmly, but the viewers can see that she is seething underneath her swollen bosoms.

Don Juan - bitch please

Todd and Phaedra finally meet face to face to discuss the finance situation over the never-released Phine Pregnancy work out DVD.  Phaedra takes a dig at Todd in her one on one with the camera, insinuating his career is flailing and his allowance from Kandi isn’t cuttin’ the mustard greens.  Phaedra plays the “single mother I can’t afford to pay you” card and claims that she now wants to finish the DVD and release it so she can sell four copies.  Todd walks her through the budget and provides copies of her cancelled checks, which boils down to her owing him about $8K and a pregnancy photo for the cover of the DVD.  Time to pull out the old photos from the Phine pregnancy pickle shoot!

Phaedra - Pickle

In Porsha-Land, she is in L.A. working the Emmy’s red carpet for Dish Nation.  She spends most of her time getting primped and berating her sister Lauren for getting knocked up and leaving her high and dry without an assistant to reply to her e-mails and select the proper Bitmojis.  Porsha gives absolutely zero f*cks about the little life about to squeeze out of her sister’s cooter and expects her to find her own replacement and work up until the moment the water breaks on her rented Louboutin’s.

Kenya welcomes her dad, Ronald, for a visit.  He critiques the glass of water she serves him, her new house before he even sees it, and he offers suggestions for her dating adventures and suggests keeping a score card.  We learn that four days ago, Kenya attended a relationship seminar.  She realized that her dysfunctional family relationships are damaging her dating dealings.  Well duh!

Later, Kenya and Ronald go for a walk and she is trying to have a serious talk with him, but all of the sudden, Ronald turns into an arborist with a passion for trees.  Kenya gets him to stop licking the bark on the trees he’s admiring long enough to park it on a bench and chat.  We learn that Kenya ran away from her father after he moved the family to Houston, TX and then they didn’t speak for years.  Ronald felt like a failure after Kenya left and he throws in a tree analogy to symbolize his pain.  He makes Kenya feel bad for being a surly teenager, but newsflash Ronald…you were the adult.  You don’t get to pout.  Kenya wants to have a family reunion in Detroit, but Ronald is resistant and wants to leave things in the past.  I’m not sure how they ended this, nor do I really care.  They hug it out, hug a tree…annnnd scene!

At the Bailey Agency for Wayward Models, Cynthia meets with Marlo to help set up the venue for a “Customer Appreciation” knockoff eyewear promotion event where the Kandi Koated Klique and Porsha will stage their next fight.  Later, Cynthia and Papa Smurf meet up with Kandi and Todd for dinner.  Cynthia comments that Kandi is at the “booty do stage, where the belly sticks out more than the booty do!”  But Kandi won’t let her booty slow her down, she dutifully fills them in about the Porsha Phaedra, Shamea, Don Juan scuttlebutt.  Kandi adds that she has always been supportive of Porsha – apparently, Porsha released a single called “Flatline”.  Todd jokes that the single literally “flat lined”, which must be true.  We surely would have known about said single, I think we need a karaoke performance of this on WWHL…STAT!

Porsha - Flatline

Fast forward to Cynthia’s customer appreciation event so we can get this over with.  First off, what the ever-lovin’ hell is Marlo wearing?  Who does she think she is, Li’l Kim?

Marlo Dress

Porsha initiates a conversation with Kandi and takes her aside to discuss in private.  Of course Don Juan and Carmon will not permit the idiot hooker to talk to their leader alone.  The dynamic duo bops on over to provide backup for a conversation, of which they heard one sentence.  Don Juan apologizes for coming across aggressive, but he isn’t changing his stance that Porsha is an asshole slut from hell that smells of stadium hot dog water.  Porsha doesn’t want to talk in front of everyone and Kandi tells her they don’t have to talk at all, but “don’t expect no extra push from me, no extra shit from me!”  She’s pissed as hell, and she ain’t taking it anymore!!!  I have to say I wish this fightin’ Kandi would come out more, the pregnancy hormones must be making her feisty.  Porsha and Shamea storm out and Don Juan trails off, cracking another Underground Railroad joke.

Kandi Klique

At the end of the episode, Kandi meets Porsha for a confrontation lunch.  They try to make small talk, but fail miserably.  Kandi felt that Shamea and Don Juan should be part of the conversation since they witnessed the gossiping and Porsha wants to argue her side, but claims she isn’t taking sides between Kandi and Phaedra.  Kandi tells her that she is “full of shit”, and again I am enjoying this spirited “take no prisoners” Kandi.  Phaedra wanted Apollo gone before he even had to go, so Phaedra can’t play the “woe is me” card.  Kandi also points out that as an attorney, Phaedra is a master of manipulating the situation and she will not be attending any sip-n-see pity party.  Porsha, unexpected voice of reason, maturely points out that even though Phaedra wanted Apollo and his power drill to vanish, it didn’t make it any less painful.  With that, Kandi seems to simma down and they squash the beef.  Porsha asks if there is anything she can do to bring the Kandi/Phaedra machine back to life, but Kandi doesn’t see it ever getting back into proper working order.

Simma Down

Next week, Mama Joyce takes the law into her own hands and pays Counselor Parks a visit.  Kenya visits her mother, but I am not sure we will get an actual confrontation.

Unnecessary Trouble

Assuming the viewers have a holiday hangover, Bravo aired a real snooze-fest of an episode, except to set up some future drama and establish that Don Juan is thirsty for his own peach, wears pink panties, and tampons.  More on that later…

Kenya is experimenting with online dating.  She posts a 1982 photo of herself on Tinder and decides to hit the gym in some hideous red leggings with brass button booty pockets.  As if she needs to draw attention to that ass, which doesn’t even register on the Kardashian size scale.  Marlo “Check my Charges” joins her for the workout and prompts Kenya to accept a date from a fine, albeit much younger, piece of meat.  The prospective date doesn’t quite meet Kenya’s lengthy list of qualifications for a mate, but he’ll do.  Kenya, need we remind you that you are 45 years old?  You are not entitled to lengthy requirements such as “looks like Matthew McConaughey, half-horse/half-man.”  Kenya dresses somewhat appropriately to attend the basketball date, but it ruffles her weave and she decides she won’t be accepting a second date.  Umm…I’m not sure he even asked!

Cynthia receives some “just because I love you” yellow friendship roses from Papa Smurf, an indication he is really upping his game.  He drove all night from Charlotte just to take her on a romantic lunch date in the park.  He hired a local artist to sketch them as they ate cold jalapeno poppers and wings with coagulated ranch dip out of a to-go container from Sprorts One.  The artist reveals his sketch at the end of the lunch and they both look like possessed evil demons hatched from a boil on Satan’s ass.

In Phaedra land, Apollo’s friend Bun stops by for a visit and he comes bearing gifts for the boys.  Phaedra sends the boys on their way to “go play” so that she and Bun can reflect on Apollo’s power drill, bucket-o-hinges, crazy garage freak out.  If I heard them correctly, we learn that Bun was a former cellmate of Apollo’s during his first incarceration.  Later, Phaedra drives Ayden to his first day of Kindergarten.  The kid is too cute for words, he is wearing a bow tie and saying “check please”, as if he is a high-society southern gentleman trying to impress his date at the finest McDonald’s in the ATL.  During the car ride to school, Ayden admits he is a bit scared and he is going to miss his mom because he wants her to go everywhere with him.  That will wear off li’l man…give it time.  He tells her he will always be her baby…SWOON!

Ayden - Baby

Porsha continues to delude herself into thinking that Oliver in Miami wants anything other than a slice of her ham hock booty.  They set up a Skype sesh, but all Oliver cares about is seeing down the front of her “house dress”, which is a backless black number with a plunging neckline.  She asks Oliver if he’s ready for a relationship, there is a long pause, some crickets chirping, buffalo grunting, and then Oliver’s audio conveniently breaks up.

Kandi has produced a song with a leftover from last season, Demetria McKinney.  The two ladies meet with Demetria’s beau, Roger Bobb and he is ready to shoot a music video.  The ever-supportive Don Juan voices concerns about Kandi performing in the video due to her weight and age, but then quickly plays the “high-risk pregnancy” card before Kandi thunder punches him in the throat.

While being prepped for the video shoot, Kandi can’t even sit through hair and makeup without an order of chicken fingers.  Todd arrives on his hover board to offer support, but we all truly know he just wanted to play with his hover board.  The wardrobe team drapes Kandi in a purple mumu to hide her baby bump and she wears thigh boots worn by Rainbow Brite’s understudy.  Once they get her on stage and fire up the wind machine, the mumu barely covers her cervix.

Kandi - Video

What better excuse for a party than the “Unnecessary Trouble” music video launch!  Kandi is hoping the party goes well and Todd is hoping Phaedra shows up with a check!

Kim Fields, getting significantly less air play this week, shows up to the launch party in leather hot pants and hooker boots.  Kenya throws some shade, “she looked like a confused prostitute at Disney World.”  I’m happy to see Kimmy get a li’l wild and branch out from her Mrs. Roper wardrobe collection.

Kandi gives an intro before the video premiere and she discusses pitfalls of mixing friendship and bidness, but Demetria showed up with a check, so they all good.  Phaedra interprets this to be a thinly veiled message directed at her and decides to grab Porsha’s drink and slam it down.  The crowd goes wild over the lackluster video, but that’s what the extras are paid to do.  While Phaedra exits stage left, she congratulates Kandi and asks Todd to stop by her office sometime.  Outside, Phaedra vents to Porsha and Shamea, and Porsha becomes more riled up about it than she did when Cynthia delivered a kick to her cooter.  Don Juan pretends to hear them gossiping about his “people” and he sidles up and gets in Porsha’s face.  Phaedra excuses herself and notes that Don Juan needs to have several seats.  As the ladies trail off into the parking lot, Porsha says about Don Juan “go home and change your tampon.”

Porsha - yell at don

Next week – Todd and Phaedra finally hash out the money issue.  Kenya faces her father.  Kandi and Porsha face off.