The Show Must Go On

It’s been a few weeks since we’ve checked in with our juicy peaches, and this episode feels like the sluggish holiday aftermath.  You know the one, that feeling you get from eating nothing but sugar and cured meats for two weeks…  Anyhoo, the main theme is the PSA on domestic violence and Kenya is in the driver’s seat.  SBS saunters in with her latest wiglette from the Wigs-n-Cigs dumpster fire collection.  Seriously, someone needs to burn this wig and terminate the stylist, STAT.

SBS Wig

SBS wants producer cred on this PSA, but Ms. Moore-Daly is about to slam on the brakes and eject SBS from the passenger seat.  She offers SBS an “intern” position and I half-hoped for another “who gon’ check ME BOO!” moment, but my hopes were dashed quicker than a blink of a false eyelash.

While these two iron out the details – not much else is really poppin’ in the ATL.  Nene is dressed as Mrs. Roper, circa 1978 and welcomes Marlo for a tiny bowl of chips and jarred salsa.  These two have buried the hatchet and drafted a brand spankin’ new BFFL contract.  Marlo is twisting Nene’s bun to get her to attend a tea party, whereby they will sit Porsha down and hash out the tension.  Nene is only willing to participate if Porsha eats some crow and admits fault.  Sorry Nene, a few li’l loopholes here – first, Porsha is baby vegan and will eat no crow, and secondly you are contractually obligated to attend this fake-make-up sesh and pull your 82 specialty faces.  See BFFL contract Article IV, section K (b) 3.  BLOOP!

bloop

Cynthia is cookin’ up a frozen Trader Joe meal in a pan and Noelle drops in to throw some shade about Cynthia being too old for spin class, and she looks genuinely astonished that Cynthia even knows how to turn on the stove.  Will calls while this exchange is taking place and Cynthia turns into a flustered school girl.  He tells her he’d love to come by for what she’s cookin’, but only if there’s some turkey in there and Cynthia immediately offers up the whole Thanksgiving turkey.  Cynthia – have we taught you nothing?!  What happened to playing the field, TITTY CENT??  More on that later…

Cynthia gets a text from Marlo to invite her to the tea and as she reads it aloud, Noelle delivers the best line in all of housewives franchise history EVA – “Mom, you’re so weird!”  WORD!

Kandi and Todd are at the OLG restaurant, floating around, talking to customers, pretending to care.  Basically all the restaurant staff is related to Kandi, including Block’s daughter from another mama and 13 cousins thrice removed.  The actual OLG’s arrive and they are ready to air some grievances.  Todd takes them to the side before Mama Joyce whips out her Wal-Mart Wedgie of Death and Destruction, although a reenactment of that scene might do wonders for bidness!  Mama Joyce leads the charge and I’m not kidding you, it takes her Paleolithic eons to get out the sentence stating they don’t like the location of the hostess stand.  Aunt Bertha clutches her purse to her chest in anticipation, “we gonna be all night.”  Bertha doesn’t like the cooks wearing dirty pants with their shirts hanging out and they want the hostesses in uniforms.  It’s cute that Kandi and Todd allow the OLG to think they have actual input.  Kandi summons the Bravo intern, who can correct all these issues in a tight 15.

Later we learn that the GM of the restaurant couldn’t hack working with the dysfunctional octogenarian set, and basically Don Juan and Todd are holding things together with prayers and chewing gum.  They interview a General Manager candidate, Aaron Buggs, who arrives dressed like Urkel.  Aaron is impressive and has done his homework.  He proceeds to give them a full statistical breakdown of their unsatisfactory Yelp reviews, they all nod and smile, but Don Juan wants to know if he can handle the “intense personalities” – this means you, OLG!  Aaron doesn’t “bugg” under pressure (see what I did there?), but Todd knows that Mama Joyce “ampin’ on someone” will be the true test.

Porsha and Rickey Smiley are sniffing each other like two Chihuahuas at a dog park.  ‘Nuff said.  Marlo calls Porsha to make sure she’s attending the tea party/ambush.  Porsha wouldn’t miss it for the world, she and Marlo bonded over boogers on San Fran trip!

SBS is hanging out at the Chateau, wearing her home-made deep V cutout Wal-Mart sweatshirt, dutifully writing out her grocery list.  Kandi drops by to stir up some shit for good measure, Nene said Tyrone is a con-artist.  Well… Phacts by Phaedra!  SBS refutes Nene and Gregg both have mug shots, so glass houses and all.  Not sure why we need this scene other than to see SBS gettin’ crafty with her wardrobe.

SBS sweatshirt

It’s the day of the big tea confrontation and Cynthia’s boob flies out of her dress, hence the “Titty Cent” moniker.  Cynthia immediately exclaims that the tea tastes like vodka and cranberry and I think “now we’re gettin’ somewhere”, but this confrontation really never has lift off.  I was ready for Nene to read Porsha for filth, but a 12 year old tween has taken over her body and all she can come up with is “you didn’t text me back, TWICE!”  The Bravo intern must have forgotten to lay out Nene’s Geritol, her heart just isn’t in it.  Nene gives her the half-assed IDGAF apology and the decide they won’t be friends, EVA.

Finally, it’s the PSA shoot day, and it’s tough to snark on the last 15 minutes of the episode.  Shamea and Cynthia’s mother share their stories and it’s an emotional day for all.  Cynthia gives her mother a kiss on the cheek and tells her she is so proud… oh this gives me ALL the feels…

Cynthia mom

Kenya is getting agitated at SBS being extremely late, but when she reaches her by phone, she finds out SBS was rear ended in a car accident.  SBS already has bulging discs, but she’s a trooper and makes it to the set to deliver her lines.  The show must go on!

Next week – women sit down with a medium, and I can only hope for an electronic cigarette, repeat of Allison DuBois, a la RHBH!  Wigs-n-Cigs returns to confront Nene.

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Will the Real Flat Marc Please Stand Up?

Everyone is poppin’ their corks this week!  After the fight between Nene and Porsha won’t come to an end, Marlo “check my charges”, drags Nene away while covering her mouth.  Funny how the tables have turned!  A few reunions ago, Nene was covering Porsha’s mouth to keep her from poppin’ off on Kenya!  Dayum, these bitches be figtin’ for 10 seasons, it’s bound to come full circle.  Kenya, Kandi, and Cynthia leave with Nene, as the elevator doors close, Nene and her wily bun run amok shout “THE DOOR IS CAAAHHH-LOSED!”  SBS and her Atomic Blonde wig feel bad for Porsha, although she completely instigated this whole blow up.  I feel bad for SBS and her poor wiglette choices.

Porsha is on the hot mess express to a total meltdown, not to be confused with the underground railroad tepid calamity express.  She doesn’t seem to have the chops to be on this show.  Kandi gets the line of the night: “Y’all made us leave before our food came!”  Guuuuurrrrl after my own heart!  Nene can’t shut up, she is outraged with the white-hot intensity of 1,000 cinnabuns.

Everyone sleeps it off and they reconvene the next day in full hangover gear – baggy clothing, hats, and large sunglasses.  Nene is already at the bar gettin’ her drank on.  SBS hopes Nene has reinforced her bun with extra bobby pins, but she is sporting a high pony, which is essentially the leftover, undone bun.  Although Porsha may rip that pony right off her scalp as if she’s starting a lawn mower.

All aboard the trolley to hell, Kenya discusses leaving early to bury her grandmother.  Porsha gets teary eyed and excuses herself, Cynthia heads to the back of the trolley to be sure she is all right and relays her own story of being put through the emotional threshing machine that is Nene Leakes.

Porsha trolley

They jump off at Fisherman’s Wharf and take a photo in front of Alcatraz, which is a perfect segue for the ladies to gossip about SBS’ love interest Tyrone.  Nene knows him from “way back” and he is a known con-artist who stole $4 million from his company.  Kandi expresses concern about Chateau Shereé around the likes of such a cunning man-friend, and Kenya can’t resist a dig, “well it’s not in her name, so…”  Chateau Thelma is SAFE!  Meanwhile, SBS, Marlo, and Porsha meandered down to Chinatown, where you get off the trolley and it feels like Tokyo!  How did you get there Porsha?  Underground railroad, wrong continent!  While in Chinatown, they ponder the vegan-ness of fortune cookies and decide to purchase some cheap props to throw a mock wedding for Kenya for the purpose of passive-aggressively cheering her up before sending her off to her grandmother’s funeral.

Later at the hotel, Marlo has reserved a conference room in the business center to stage the mock wedding, complete with a carboard cut out with a question Marc on the face.  Yes, ladies and gents… it’s “Flat Marc”.  There is some concern about how Kenya will respond, but Kandi reminds us that Kenya did throw a tasteless divorce party on the last Bravo mandated getaway to the depths of hell-fire.  Porsha has recruited a bunch of men in spandex to serve as mock-guests, and they are equipped with fake doves to fling at the bride.  The stand-in groomsman is wearing a “Henny” shirt, gold lame sneakers, and his best DERP face.  In case you missed it:

ceremony

Surprisingly, Kenya takes it like a champ, but leave Porsha to drop Flat Marc on the floor during the ceremony.  YOU HAD ONE JOB!  After the joke is over, Porsha pulls Kandi aside to apologize again, but bitch ain’t havin’ it, nor should she.

Flat Marc

The final day of the trip, SBS decides that a four-hour commute to Napa is in order.  JESUS.  TAKE.  THE.  WHEEL.  AND.  WHATEVER.  MECHANISM.  WITH.  WHICH.  A.  TRAIN. IS.  DRIVEN.  On the hot mess express, Porsha gets waylaid in the bathroom because she had to bust a deuce.  She gets stuck with the last seat in the train car, directly across from her two arch-enemies, Kenya and Kandi.  Porsha orders a vegan meal and Kandi and Kenya give her about another week before she’s tearin’ into some chicken wangs like a savage wildebeest.  Kandi agrees that Porsha can benefit from any type of diet and says out loud “You was gettin’ a li’l chunky”.  HOLD UP – I suppose we can let that one slide, Kandi, ‘cuz you was pregnant for 18 months [oh wait, that was Phaedra], but c’mon guuurrrrl.  Who here can’t miss a meal?!  Who has Domino’s on speed dial?  Anyhoo – Kenya starts going on about how her husband likes her smaller, toned smaller, hates makeup, he loves strong, successful women, but she can’t be an alpha woman at home.  Welp – I give Porsha’s vegan diet better odds than this marriage.  Does Flat Marc realize whom he has married?  At the other table, SBS discusses Tyrone, Nene asks if “he gonna come by trickin’ stocks”, but SBS assures us all, he is in da’ joint for wire and securities fraud only.

The train is finally at the station, and they roll up to the Raymond vineyard.  The host, Jean-Charles, hands Porsha the Sabre to cut the neck of the Champagne bottle.  Ummm… Jean-Charles, maybe you didn’t receive a copy of the itinerary, but this woman should not be handed sharp objects.  Surprisingly, Porsha sabres the champagne bottle on the first try.  Kenya decides to point out the single ladies so that JC can focus his flirting on them.  He feeds the single ladies bunches of grapes, Porsha and Cynthia daintily take a grape, but Marlo “check my charges”, hoovers it down like she’s Monica Lewinsky.  SBS makes an astute observation, now we know how Marlo affords all her designer clothes and fancy cars.  Jean-Charles announces that he’s married and has two daughters.  Porsha’s whole demeanor shifts, “c’mon with the tour, chile!”

grapes - marlo

They take their shoes off to smash the grapes in tubs and Porsha wigs out because she arrives at the startling realization that she has been swilling down “feet juice” all this time.  Nene declines the grape smushing, citing the most amazeballs excuse I’ve ever heard, “I don’t want to get my big toe wet”.  I’m filing that one in my rolodex of excuses not to do something!

After Kenya leaves the group, the ladies head out to a special dinner at the vineyard.  Jean-Charles serves them a wine they make with John Legend, Nene immediately tweets “who do I have to blow for a case of John Legend’s wine!?!?”  Haha, where is Wigs-n-Cigs when you need her?

SBS toasts to Kandi’s recent Essence magazine cover, Kandi reveals that she and Todd did a drive-by of Flat Marc’s restaurant while in NYC, but they did not go inside.  Perfect segue for the ladies to question the existence of Flat Marc and Marlo takes a quick show of hands on who thinks the marriage is real.  Cynthia ain’t havin’ it and she walks out, Nene follows her out to diminish her feelings and basically tell her there’s no reason to be upset.  So… I guess poppin’ off in a rage-fueled, bun-unraveling, outburst is better?  Cynthia understands the marriage situation isn’t normal, but she’s trying to respect Kenya’s process with it, pursuant to section VIII, 15.8 (d) of the Friendship Contract.  Cynthia returns to the table and finally admits that she is hurt that Kenya didn’t invite her to the wedding and that she still hasn’t met the real Flat Marc.

Slim shady

Next week:  Cynthia confronts Kenya about Marc, Porsha starts dating and may go for some white meat, and Kandi confronts Cynthia’s boyfriend Will about appearing on the Steve Harvey show for dating.

Seeing White

This holiday season, my red Solo cup runneth over.  Yes, the big moment has arrived – the return of Kim Zolciak, a.k.a. Wigs-n-Cigs!  And let me say, dear readers, she does not disappoint!  Let’s get into it, so we can get straight to the stuff that dreams are made of!

Jack Daniels is making a Chateau house call, he and SBS sit down for a quick sesh, SBS still hasn’t had her discussion with her children and the Coalition for Domestic Violence has asked her to do some public speaking.  Jack Daniels warns she is putting the cart before the horse – speak to your children first before you go public as the face for domestic violence.  Jack seems to give her a pass on the past-due assignment and gives her an easy assignment for spring break, he senses that SBS needs some “me time”, damnit!  Go to a hotel, sip some Jack Daniels, and order up some fried chicken and mac-n-cheeze!

Kandi is making her exit from the drama this week and she heads out to NYC to shoot a cover for Essence Magazine.  Don Juan shows up to assist Kandi with packing since Carmon is no longer running point on this project.  He’s completely befuddled as he stares into her empty Hello Kitty suitcase, oh and by the way… they have no hotel reserved in NYC.  Kandi suggests they check out Trump Towner since nobody is staying there anymore.  Yea Kandi, only you and the Russian Mafia.

When Kandi arrives at Essence, we get to see her without makeup.  Let’s just say high def TV is not her friend.  The village people get her fixed right up and she kills it.  The editor drops in on the shoot and informs Kandi this will be the “confidence” issue.  I am “confident” that Kandi will be exiting this show soon.  I think the debacle of last season has taken its toll.

Kandi Essence

Lauren finally returns to Porsha Palace, but since Jack Daniels isn’t available, they settle for their cousin Tiffany to mediate their latest sister drama.  Porsha smooths is over and they chalk it up to single mother stress, until the next meltdown.  There is no Jack Daniels life coaching going on here, Porsha Palace Enterprises relies solely on Hennessey to do the heavy lifting.  Later, the two get down to bidness and contemplate which wig styles will pay for their children’s college educations.

Nene and Gregg are shuffling around their McMansion after his return home from the hospital.  Gregg has no blockage, just a pesky, irregular heartbeat he inherited from his father.  Nene is actually seen here without makeup, lookin’ like an average person you see fondling produce down at the Publix.  Gregg jokes that maybe his health issues are due to Nene wearing him out, yea that’s just the tip of this iceberg.  Rather than tend to Gregg’s health, Nene decides to sit down with some friends, Mynique and Brandon – not to be confused with Kenya’s gay accessory Brandon.  They are helping Nene plan an oddly specific themed party, “All White Never Forget Girls and Gays Event, HUNNI!”  The longer the name of the party theme, the bigger the cluster f*ck of epic proportion.  Brandon isn’t entirely down with the “never forget” theme, but it’s the perfect segue to discuss slow, dingy Porsha who can’t remember she has been to Nene’s house before.  Porsha isn’t on the guest list, but rather the Nene DGAF list.

Kenya and SBS meet up for a spin class.  The most valuable thing we learn here, dear reader, is not that they have cleared up their messiness, but that SBS wears a size 10 shoe.  After the workout, the sit down for a smoothie and Kenya asks SBS to assist her with a PSA for domestic violence.  SBS will check her schedule and list of conflicts of interest and have her people get back to Kenya’s people.  During the sitting, SBS receives a text from Nene inviting her to the “All White Never Forget” theme party.

When Cynthia isn’t tied up at the Bailey Skewl for Wayward Models, she is busy with her new flame, Will.  She meets him for some mid-day ice cream where they have chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.  What in the love of all that is good and decent?!?!?  Someone get these two to 31 Flavors… STAT!  Will informs Cynthia that his Google alerts on himself are blowing up.  How on earth did he end up mentioned in all of these trashy blogs?!?!  DERP FACE… I dunno, you showed your dumb ass on a Bravo Real Housewives show, what did you expect Will I Am, Regretting What I’ve Gotten Myself Into!  Cynthia gives him the “duck and cover” crash course of being in the d-list public eye.  Important to note here – Cynthia also has minimal makeup on and she is the only one on this cast who can pull it off.  She always looks totally amazing.  Will doesn’t seem too disturbed that he is about to board the Real Housewives roller coaster descent into the deepest level of hell and he’s ready to visit Lake Bailey inside and out!  Cynthia promises he can come over for dinner, sometime… soon.

Cynthia - Will

It’s the day of Nene’s party with the ever-lengthening theme, “Girls and Gays Never Forget All White Party Seafood Soirée” rolls up on the banner at the bottom of the screen.  Oh Bravo intern, how you mess with our minds!  The shirtless men from Shamea’s bridal shower are filing in and a very special guest arrives in her bath robe and slippers.  It’s none other than Marlo “check my charges” Hampton!  She and Nene ran into each other a few weeks ago and argued in a parking lot for 30-minutes over a handicapped parking spot, but hey girrrl, hey, they worked it out and Nene invited her to the “All white, how could you forget, this event is going to be a tumbledown shit show, shucked seafood soirée!”

Meanwhile, across town, SBS drops by to pick up Wigs-n-Cigs and prep for the “All white, how could you forget, trot out your favorite gay friend as if he/she were an out-dated hair scrunchi, and c’mon down to the parade of unstable slut-tards event!”.  They fill their Solo Cups full o’ boxed wine and get down to the de-briefing.  Nene doesn’t know Wigs is coming, but SBS is bringing Wigs as her gay party guest, since Wigs plays for both teams.  This party theme has officially gone off the rails.  Wigs warns SBS that Nene may slam the door in their faces because Wigs busted Nene out parking her Bentley in a handicapped spot at TJ Maxx.

It is here in this scene, SBS is laying foundation for the Bravo mandated cast trip from the depths of hellfire, with her newfound freedom she thinks the girls should take a trip.  Wigs is totally down, but wants to know more about the “dumb beyotch” she met at Chateau Shereé (this means you, Kenya).  Wigs heard she married a man-fan and she’s tryna start a family with 46 year-old eggs!  Wigs-n-Cigs has her fightin’ spanx on tonight!

Cynthia and Derek J. arrive at the party, grab some chicken wings, and sit down for some real talk – Derek J. isn’t a fan of Nene’s party theme, he finds it a bit offensive.  PREACH!  But nevertheless, he will participate, because umm… chicken drummies and mini-tacos.  Marlo walks over and thank goodness for thick, meaty thighs because her dress was slit so high, you could almost see her hoo-ha.

Nene spots Wigs across the pool and Kenya is already calling for SECURITY!  Nene invites the girls to navigate the turf in their 6” stilettos and hobble inside to cool off and simultaneously heat things up.  Wigs calls Nene out for parking in the handicapped space and Nene claims she was with her imaginary friend who happens to be handicapped.  Marlo asks Kenya when she will meet the new husband and Wigs decides to poke the bear “it ain’t gonna f*ckin’ happen bitch, because he don’t exist!”  Wigs keeps muttering “it ain’t gonna happen, he doesn’t f*ckin’ exist” under her breath, on a loop.  She is out for blood and Kenya can’t hold back any longer.  Kenya takes a jab about Wigs having a “hard on” for her, “didn’t they cut that thing off during your reassignment surgery?”  Annnnd…. it’s on like Ping Pong!  Kenya plays her Ace and slams Wigs for pimping out her daughter for John Legend tickets.  In case you missed it:

Kim twitter

Both ladies jump to their heels – LETMETELLYOUSOMETHINGBITCH!  And if you aren’t chortling your head off right now, you must be heavily sedated.  Both ladies need to be restrained, and then we are met with the dreaded phrase that sends me into a deep chasm of despair… “to be continued”!

Kim fight

Pitchin’ and Bitchin’

The ladies are still on the party bus of doom, careening off the rails, straight to the campground of sweltering obliteration.  When they arrive, Phaedra announces she only planned for six rooms, so a few attendees with their un-invited plus ones will need to bunk up.  Marlo swiftly guarantees her single room status by announcing that she has horrific gastro-intestinitis, sphylkis of the ganectagazoink, which leaves everyone immediately revolted.

Luckily, Phaedra has planned the first night to be spent in the wild sleeping in tents, so Marlo’s gaseous emissions will be able to become one with the wind.  Before they head out to pitch tents for two hours, Marlo and SBS take a quick moment to caucus and decide that at some point SBS will bring up the latest gossip about Kandi dippin’ in the lady pond.  SBS is doing a public service, really… how can these “frienemies” bond when they can’t be honest with each other.  SBS, you are a Bravo producer’s dream.

The ladies re-board the party bus to hellfire and attempt to set up camp.  Everyone struggles with their tents, except Phaedra who decides to just camp out in her party print maxi-dress.  In the first low blow of the night, Kenya asks SBS for help with her air mattress since SBS has extensive expertise.  Let’s not leave out Phaedra, who used to kick it with Apollo on his air matters for their 2:00 a.m. booty courtship calls.

When they finally settle by the campfire, the focus is on Marlo – she has actually taken the time to bedazzle her can of “OFF” and her flashlight.  Phaedra asks Marlo what is on-trend besides bedazzled insect repellent cans and camel toe.  Marlo recommends lashes and suggests Kenya get better ones.  Lauren asks about this underlying rift between Marlo and Kenya and they hash it out over the non-invites to Kenya’s recent parties.  Giiirrrllll…you didn’t miss much!  Kenya has already apologized and isn’t going back down that bedazzled road.  Marlo takes another swing, calls Kenya miserable, her earrings and eyelashes a disaster, you can’t keep a broke man, and your own mother won’t even talk to you.  LOW.  EFFING.  BLOW.  EVEN.  FOR.  YOU.  MARLO.  YOU.  STANK.  ASS.  HO!  Although the other insults were on point.  Phaedra puts the kibosh on the trash talk and delivers an inspirational pep talk about how they should come together as sistas and not call each other prostitutes and ho’s.  Good call, Counselor!  Meanwhile, SBS is huddled up in her sleeping bag, bustin’ at the seams with her lesbian rumor agenda, just waiting for the prime moment to pounce.  She is a mess on wheels.

pitching-tents

The next day, they all sport their on-trend camel toe outfits to lunch and Kenya asks Phaedra how goes the divorce process.  Kandi points out that if one spouse goes to jail, she heard that the state would grant a divorce within 60 days….or some shit like dat.  Porsha comes to the defense of her bestie, stating that Apollo is the one holding up the show because he doesn’t want the divorce.  Let’s leave the legal stuff to Counselor Parks, shall we?  Anyhoo, Cynthia diffuses the tension by updating the crew on her divorce, which will be final very soon, but Papa Smurf wasn’t at the final signing.  Cynthia becomes emotional, she wanted that one last good bye with Papa, but I guess it hasn’t occurred to her that seeing her may be too painful for him considering she rebuffed his invitation to head back to his air mattress, while they said goodbye at Club One.  That was your big moment to get you some break-up sex, Cynthia!  Have these ho’s you are surrounded by taught you NOTHING?!?!?  The ladies rally around Cynthia, reaffirm that she is beautiful, smart, and successful, and will find a man to rise up to meet her standards.  Now there’s some real support!

They head out to meet a camp ground crew dude, who looks like he just rolled off of Willie Nelson’s tour bus.  He orders them into the kayaks and paddle boats, and gives them a good shove into the polluted cesspool they call a lake.  SBS freaks out as if someone set her weave and her favorite Fabletics leggings on fire, I haven’t heard SBS shriek like that since “who gon’ check me, boo?”

sheree-paddleboat

She cannot have non-chlorinated water near her vagina, and who knows what else lurks in those waters.  After the boating bust, the ladies are ordered to free fall into a fiery abyss from 100 feet up.  Most of the ladies participate and do so with grace and coolness, but leave it to Porsha to have a full-blown, hyperventilation, crying, laughing, freak out.  I mean, what’s the worst that could happen, you break a toe nail?

high-jump

The last 15 minutes of the show concludes with the death dinner of truth.  Kenya apologizes to Marlo once again, Marlo apologizes for the mother comment and they both accept, with a grain of salt.  The gang is barely past their opening cocktail and Marlo asks Kandi if she is a lesbian.  SBS and Porsha must have been attending discount acting classes in between Anger Management and working out, they both act totally shocked by this rumor.

marlo-asks-kandi

Kandi demands to know who said it and SBS won’t name names and gives everyone an opportunity to own up to it.  Phaedra is sucking back her wine as if it were black tar heroin.  SBS finally calls out Porsha, and then Porsha admits to insinuating Kandi was a lesbian, but chalks it up to a shady moment.  Production flashes back “Two Minutes Earlier”, to Porsha doing an impression of an unwise owl “WHO?  WHO? WHA? WHO SAID THAT?”  Comedy.  Gold.  Porsha tries to slide Phaedra into the mix with her Shamea comment, accompanied by international hand gesture for sexual intercourse, but it becomes a little glossed over with all the additional pandemonium and screeching.  Kandi clarifies that she is happy with her husband, she admits she has experimented, but she isn’t the only one who has dipped in the lady pond (Porsha this means you!)  It turns into a word-war between Kandi and Porsha about who did what, who knows what, who has been where, who tossed a salad, who performed a reach around, who fully immersed in the lady pond, and who’s full of shit.  In the end, Kandi thanks SBS for letting her know what was said behind her back, but this is not over.

kandi-confront-rumor

The groups retire to their respective rooms to hash through their own versions of what just went down.  Kandi gets line of the night, “when she [Porsha] gets drunk, she becomes an aggressive lesbian.”

We have a teaser for “this season” on RHATL, which shows some upcoming drama – a trip to Maui, SBS finally moving into Chateau by Sheree, Cynthia and Peter playing kissy face, Phaedra pulling some shadiness with her divorce, Porsha is pregnant, SBS and Bob falling back in love and then apart, Apollo is engaged, Kim “wigs’-n-cigs” Zolciak returns, and Kandi Vaseline’s her face up, ready to fight Porsha.

The Doctor is IN

Kenya and Phaedra are pretending to shop for glamping, as if they are going on a real trip where they will be “roughing it” and roasting marshmallows on sticks.  Meanwhile, the Bravo intern is hard at work constructing a “Survivor-style” set where they can pretend to sit around and argue to provide enough footage for the last 15 minutes of the next episode.  Phaedra calls Kenya out for throwing around her gasoline and matches at the anger mismanagement non-dinner and suggests she take it easy on ol’ Porsha, but the Glamping supply store is fresh out of their “Irrational Skank Compassion Kit.”  Phaedra gives her the “I’ll take that under advisement” side-eye as she pays for a collapsible poop shovel.

phaedra-side-eye

Porsha is contemplating going on the glamping trip from hell, but not without an anger mismanagement tune up.  The therapist checks in on homework assignments and Porsha admits she was tested.  Doc diagnoses her with a flimsy support system at best and encourages her to go on the trip, map out all the possible scenarios that could go down, and then plan her response to each scenario.  This sounds like an awful lotta paperwork to complete in order to go sit in the dirt and eat raw hot dogs.  If she weren’t contractually obligated to go, I would recommend she stay home and try out her DIY vagina resurfacing kit.

Cynthia stops by Moore Manor and offers her friendship-contract, relationship-counseling, wavering-mediator services to Kenya and Matt.  Kenya agrees that Cynthia should have a sit down with him and I am asking myself “why are we still entertaining this relationship?”  I thought we all agreed after he hulked out and effed up Moore Manor and Range Rover, that we were done with him and done replacing garage windows!  Cynthia sits down with Matt, her trusty notebook, and mechanical pencil.  She asks Matt for succinct bullet points, which she can then transform into a convincing Power Point to take back to Kenya.  Communication, respect, and an occasional turkey sandwich is all she gets out of him.  Cynthia alludes to Kenya being a bit of a drama queen, he a drama king, annnnd the Dr. is OUT!  Matt compensates Cynthia for her professional counseling sesh by giving her a crumpled-up coupon he finds in his pocket for a free snack-size hot wing with drink purchase at Bar None.

dr-is-in

Kenya pops in at Cynthia’s new lake house and they cop a squat on the dock overlooking the green water to review the Matt shakedown.  Cynthia is all like – “uh Matt why you keep breakin’ Kenya’s stuff?”  It boils down to lack of respect, and his reaction is in direct response to her action.  Kenya calls bullshit and her weave hairs stand up.  Cynthia points out the dramatics, but Kenya denies “I’m not that girl, I have evolved, I have been ride or die with you!”  I think she may have that tattooed somewhere on her body.  Cynthia explains that she did stand up for Kenya, but Kenya is not ready to receive this message.  It brings her back to a darker time when Cynthia denied their friendship, but labeled it as “evolving”.  Kenya gets madder than a wet hen, questions Cynthia’s loyalty, then storms off.  Precisely proving Cynthia’s point.

kenya-lake

Kandi throws a surprise white party for Shamea’s engagement, but none of the cast-mates received the white memo.  Shamea arrives, but becomes teary-eyed when she learns Porsha won’t be attending.  Kandi takes the cast-mates up to the roof-top deck for a more intimate shade-throwing sesh.  Kandi explains what’s been going on and why Porsha is MIA, then SBS picks this ripe moment to let the cat out of the bag – Phaedra has been running around town saying that Shamea goes after all of the ATL huzzzbands and her BFFL, Porsha, didn’t defend her.  Shamea is like “whatevs!”  If that were the case, she would have hooked up with Apollo because he made many, many attempts at her.  To top off the shit sundae, she says that Phaedra is no “Southern Belle” and word was very heavy on the streets about Ms. Parks.  Shamea makes her own counter-blasting hand gesture, indicating that Ms. Parks is open for bidness and takes oral transactions.

shamea-shocked

Later, Porsha visits Shamea to make up for her absence at the white-party engagement hootenanny, but Shamea feels that with all of Porsha’s anger mismanagement training, she should have put those personal issues in a box and showed her face by Crayola.  Shamea also asks why her BFFL didn’t defend her in the Phace of Phaedra’s trash talkin’.  Porsha plays dumb, and thinks this was all said in the underground railroad where cameras and mics are forbidden.  ROLL.  THE.  MUTHA.  EFFEN.  TAPE!  Shamea seems fairly forgiving, so she lets it go for now realizing her BFFL is dumb as a box o’ peach pits.

It’s the day of the glamping trip, and we are treated to the dueling pre-party snack-spreads of calamity.  Kenya actually puts out a descent spread for the ladies in anticipation of much fortitude required for riding the li’l party bus from hell.

kenya-spread

Over at Chateu She Ain’t Doin’ Shit over there…SBS puts a card table on her front porch with some mini-muffins still in the store-bought containers, a roll of paper towels, lukewarm champagne, and plastic cups.  If I didn’t know any better, I would think she was prepping for the Bad Mom’s bake sale.

sbs-bake-sale

Cynthia arrives at Kenya’s, waving her “it’s all good” white flag in hopes that she hasn’t entered breach of friend contract territory.  Cynthia reassures Kenya that she always has her back, they toast, and make up.  Phaedra arrives and is more preoccupied about the disappearance of Porsha at all recent Bravo-mandated events.  How can she Frick without her Frack?

A few foreclosed lots away, Marlo is first to arrive at SBS and her sad display.  Marlo is wearing a statement necklace, which appears as if it could decapitate her at any moment.  Marlo is not down for glamping, all she has packed are 5” heels and her dominatrix gear.  Porsha shows up, but she has a new Frick in her back pocket by way of sister/manager/peach-holdin’ wannabe, Lauren.  And they are dressed exactly alike in cheap tank tops and cut-off Daisy Duke’s.  Porsha tries to have a chat with SBS, whom she lovingly dubs “Ms. Messy”.  But SBS will not be destroyed, she felt it was only fair to share the gossip with all of America.  SBS holds the peach of truth and will not rest until these crazy beyotches stop talkin’ about each other!

Once they are all aboard the party bus, everyone starts becoming quite miffed about various things.  Kandi has a plus one with her friend Hazel, no one seems to want Marlo around, Porsha labels Phaedra and Kenya the new Frack and Whack, and Cynthia asks why Lauren is there.  Leave it to Porsha to produce a “doctors note”, Phaedra snatches it from her hand and reads it aloud as if it were a joke.  Kandi and Kenya immediately start in, they think Porsha is full of shit.  Phaedra is bummed, they aren’t even outside the city limits and the wheels are coming off the party bus.

Next time – the glamping begins and tensions rise with Marlo and well, everyone.

Customer Appreciation

Another boring week in the ATL, I don’t know about y’all, but I am ready to ditch these lackluster peaches for some new drama in the form of RHOPotomac!  Shamea opens this week by stopping by the Kandi Koated Kerfuffle Factory, plopping down in the hot pink pleather inquisition chair, and confronting the Kandi Koated Klique.  Don Juan immediately adopts his “Bitch, Please” deportment of disgust and Kandi knows right away that there’s a problem she missed while at the dippin’ sauce corral.  Carmon jumps in on the action and she and Don Juan rip Shamea to shreds and can’t believe she is taking information from a sorry ass beyotch who doesn’t even know that the Underground Railroad isn’t an actual train.  This means you, Porsha Williams-Stewart!  Kandi handles the skirmish calmly, but the viewers can see that she is seething underneath her swollen bosoms.

Don Juan - bitch please

Todd and Phaedra finally meet face to face to discuss the finance situation over the never-released Phine Pregnancy work out DVD.  Phaedra takes a dig at Todd in her one on one with the camera, insinuating his career is flailing and his allowance from Kandi isn’t cuttin’ the mustard greens.  Phaedra plays the “single mother I can’t afford to pay you” card and claims that she now wants to finish the DVD and release it so she can sell four copies.  Todd walks her through the budget and provides copies of her cancelled checks, which boils down to her owing him about $8K and a pregnancy photo for the cover of the DVD.  Time to pull out the old photos from the Phine pregnancy pickle shoot!

Phaedra - Pickle

In Porsha-Land, she is in L.A. working the Emmy’s red carpet for Dish Nation.  She spends most of her time getting primped and berating her sister Lauren for getting knocked up and leaving her high and dry without an assistant to reply to her e-mails and select the proper Bitmojis.  Porsha gives absolutely zero f*cks about the little life about to squeeze out of her sister’s cooter and expects her to find her own replacement and work up until the moment the water breaks on her rented Louboutin’s.

Kenya welcomes her dad, Ronald, for a visit.  He critiques the glass of water she serves him, her new house before he even sees it, and he offers suggestions for her dating adventures and suggests keeping a score card.  We learn that four days ago, Kenya attended a relationship seminar.  She realized that her dysfunctional family relationships are damaging her dating dealings.  Well duh!

Later, Kenya and Ronald go for a walk and she is trying to have a serious talk with him, but all of the sudden, Ronald turns into an arborist with a passion for trees.  Kenya gets him to stop licking the bark on the trees he’s admiring long enough to park it on a bench and chat.  We learn that Kenya ran away from her father after he moved the family to Houston, TX and then they didn’t speak for years.  Ronald felt like a failure after Kenya left and he throws in a tree analogy to symbolize his pain.  He makes Kenya feel bad for being a surly teenager, but newsflash Ronald…you were the adult.  You don’t get to pout.  Kenya wants to have a family reunion in Detroit, but Ronald is resistant and wants to leave things in the past.  I’m not sure how they ended this, nor do I really care.  They hug it out, hug a tree…annnnd scene!

At the Bailey Agency for Wayward Models, Cynthia meets with Marlo to help set up the venue for a “Customer Appreciation” knockoff eyewear promotion event where the Kandi Koated Klique and Porsha will stage their next fight.  Later, Cynthia and Papa Smurf meet up with Kandi and Todd for dinner.  Cynthia comments that Kandi is at the “booty do stage, where the belly sticks out more than the booty do!”  But Kandi won’t let her booty slow her down, she dutifully fills them in about the Porsha Phaedra, Shamea, Don Juan scuttlebutt.  Kandi adds that she has always been supportive of Porsha – apparently, Porsha released a single called “Flatline”.  Todd jokes that the single literally “flat lined”, which must be true.  We surely would have known about said single, I think we need a karaoke performance of this on WWHL…STAT!

Porsha - Flatline

Fast forward to Cynthia’s customer appreciation event so we can get this over with.  First off, what the ever-lovin’ hell is Marlo wearing?  Who does she think she is, Li’l Kim?

Marlo Dress

Porsha initiates a conversation with Kandi and takes her aside to discuss in private.  Of course Don Juan and Carmon will not permit the idiot hooker to talk to their leader alone.  The dynamic duo bops on over to provide backup for a conversation, of which they heard one sentence.  Don Juan apologizes for coming across aggressive, but he isn’t changing his stance that Porsha is an asshole slut from hell that smells of stadium hot dog water.  Porsha doesn’t want to talk in front of everyone and Kandi tells her they don’t have to talk at all, but “don’t expect no extra push from me, no extra shit from me!”  She’s pissed as hell, and she ain’t taking it anymore!!!  I have to say I wish this fightin’ Kandi would come out more, the pregnancy hormones must be making her feisty.  Porsha and Shamea storm out and Don Juan trails off, cracking another Underground Railroad joke.

Kandi Klique

At the end of the episode, Kandi meets Porsha for a confrontation lunch.  They try to make small talk, but fail miserably.  Kandi felt that Shamea and Don Juan should be part of the conversation since they witnessed the gossiping and Porsha wants to argue her side, but claims she isn’t taking sides between Kandi and Phaedra.  Kandi tells her that she is “full of shit”, and again I am enjoying this spirited “take no prisoners” Kandi.  Phaedra wanted Apollo gone before he even had to go, so Phaedra can’t play the “woe is me” card.  Kandi also points out that as an attorney, Phaedra is a master of manipulating the situation and she will not be attending any sip-n-see pity party.  Porsha, unexpected voice of reason, maturely points out that even though Phaedra wanted Apollo and his power drill to vanish, it didn’t make it any less painful.  With that, Kandi seems to simma down and they squash the beef.  Porsha asks if there is anything she can do to bring the Kandi/Phaedra machine back to life, but Kandi doesn’t see it ever getting back into proper working order.

Simma Down

Next week, Mama Joyce takes the law into her own hands and pays Counselor Parks a visit.  Kenya visits her mother, but I am not sure we will get an actual confrontation.

Unnecessary Trouble

Assuming the viewers have a holiday hangover, Bravo aired a real snooze-fest of an episode, except to set up some future drama and establish that Don Juan is thirsty for his own peach, wears pink panties, and tampons.  More on that later…

Kenya is experimenting with online dating.  She posts a 1982 photo of herself on Tinder and decides to hit the gym in some hideous red leggings with brass button booty pockets.  As if she needs to draw attention to that ass, which doesn’t even register on the Kardashian size scale.  Marlo “Check my Charges” joins her for the workout and prompts Kenya to accept a date from a fine, albeit much younger, piece of meat.  The prospective date doesn’t quite meet Kenya’s lengthy list of qualifications for a mate, but he’ll do.  Kenya, need we remind you that you are 45 years old?  You are not entitled to lengthy requirements such as “looks like Matthew McConaughey, half-horse/half-man.”  Kenya dresses somewhat appropriately to attend the basketball date, but it ruffles her weave and she decides she won’t be accepting a second date.  Umm…I’m not sure he even asked!

Cynthia receives some “just because I love you” yellow friendship roses from Papa Smurf, an indication he is really upping his game.  He drove all night from Charlotte just to take her on a romantic lunch date in the park.  He hired a local artist to sketch them as they ate cold jalapeno poppers and wings with coagulated ranch dip out of a to-go container from Sprorts One.  The artist reveals his sketch at the end of the lunch and they both look like possessed evil demons hatched from a boil on Satan’s ass.

In Phaedra land, Apollo’s friend Bun stops by for a visit and he comes bearing gifts for the boys.  Phaedra sends the boys on their way to “go play” so that she and Bun can reflect on Apollo’s power drill, bucket-o-hinges, crazy garage freak out.  If I heard them correctly, we learn that Bun was a former cellmate of Apollo’s during his first incarceration.  Later, Phaedra drives Ayden to his first day of Kindergarten.  The kid is too cute for words, he is wearing a bow tie and saying “check please”, as if he is a high-society southern gentleman trying to impress his date at the finest McDonald’s in the ATL.  During the car ride to school, Ayden admits he is a bit scared and he is going to miss his mom because he wants her to go everywhere with him.  That will wear off li’l man…give it time.  He tells her he will always be her baby…SWOON!

Ayden - Baby

Porsha continues to delude herself into thinking that Oliver in Miami wants anything other than a slice of her ham hock booty.  They set up a Skype sesh, but all Oliver cares about is seeing down the front of her “house dress”, which is a backless black number with a plunging neckline.  She asks Oliver if he’s ready for a relationship, there is a long pause, some crickets chirping, buffalo grunting, and then Oliver’s audio conveniently breaks up.

Kandi has produced a song with a leftover from last season, Demetria McKinney.  The two ladies meet with Demetria’s beau, Roger Bobb and he is ready to shoot a music video.  The ever-supportive Don Juan voices concerns about Kandi performing in the video due to her weight and age, but then quickly plays the “high-risk pregnancy” card before Kandi thunder punches him in the throat.

While being prepped for the video shoot, Kandi can’t even sit through hair and makeup without an order of chicken fingers.  Todd arrives on his hover board to offer support, but we all truly know he just wanted to play with his hover board.  The wardrobe team drapes Kandi in a purple mumu to hide her baby bump and she wears thigh boots worn by Rainbow Brite’s understudy.  Once they get her on stage and fire up the wind machine, the mumu barely covers her cervix.

Kandi - Video

What better excuse for a party than the “Unnecessary Trouble” music video launch!  Kandi is hoping the party goes well and Todd is hoping Phaedra shows up with a check!

Kim Fields, getting significantly less air play this week, shows up to the launch party in leather hot pants and hooker boots.  Kenya throws some shade, “she looked like a confused prostitute at Disney World.”  I’m happy to see Kimmy get a li’l wild and branch out from her Mrs. Roper wardrobe collection.

Kandi gives an intro before the video premiere and she discusses pitfalls of mixing friendship and bidness, but Demetria showed up with a check, so they all good.  Phaedra interprets this to be a thinly veiled message directed at her and decides to grab Porsha’s drink and slam it down.  The crowd goes wild over the lackluster video, but that’s what the extras are paid to do.  While Phaedra exits stage left, she congratulates Kandi and asks Todd to stop by her office sometime.  Outside, Phaedra vents to Porsha and Shamea, and Porsha becomes more riled up about it than she did when Cynthia delivered a kick to her cooter.  Don Juan pretends to hear them gossiping about his “people” and he sidles up and gets in Porsha’s face.  Phaedra excuses herself and notes that Don Juan needs to have several seats.  As the ladies trail off into the parking lot, Porsha says about Don Juan “go home and change your tampon.”

Porsha - yell at don

Next week – Todd and Phaedra finally hash out the money issue.  Kenya faces her father.  Kandi and Porsha face off.