Clink Clink

Those aren’t Fabellini glasses clinking, that is the sound of shackles around Teresa Goo-boo-chay’s ankles so she won’t run off set and hole up in the Bravo intern bathroom during this GAWD-Awful reunion show.  Let’s sift through only the lowlights so our heads don’t explode.

Fambly Feud

Dina’s return to the show was based on the departure of Caroline and Jacs, specifically Jacs, who Dina labels as “toxic”.  After Teresa flipped the table in season one, like the incredible hulk, Dina said good riddance.  Today, Tre-Hulk is much more calm now that her days in the free world are numbered.  Dina still hasn’t filed for divorce, since Tommy is the “only plumber” she knows, he has been “cleaning her pipes”.  WTMI.

Dina notes she will gladly reconcile with her brother and sister, but she will love Jacs from a different zip code.  Tre sarcastically and quite condescendingly applauds OHAC for admitting the show causes tension among the cast mates.  OHAC quickly reminds her that participation in vile, petty feuding on national television with fambly members is strictly voluntary.  I guess Tre forgets where her freakin bread is buttered.  Won’t matter, commissary doesn’t take Bravo Bucks.

Sidebar:  Dina should fire her stylist ASAP for putting that heinous necklace on her.  But her hairstylist gets points for the bangin’ side braid.

Dina-Necklace

Delusion Fusion

Tre doesn’t believe she has ever “hit below the belt” during her entire stint on the show.  The Non-Dynanic Duo belt out a hearty, simultaneous laugh, while Melissa is biting her tongue so hard she may need a paramedic.

“The Cancer” and “The Nose Job”

Amber Alert is allowed to have the floor and her only regret is “crying too much”.  The playing of the cancer card is addressed, but Amber claims she wanted to use the show as a platform to raise awareness.  The Non-Dynamic Duo bash Amber for saying “The Cancer” and they accuse her of having a nose job.  Amber Alert will use her articles of speech however she wants, damn it, and she denies the nose job.

Jersey-Isms

Rosie and Kathy join the floor and discuss the dictionary gag gift they gave Tre.  Everyone has a collective laugh and we are treated to a montage of Jersey-isms:

  • Boobdoir = Boudoir
  • Skoowers = Skewers
  • Lopter = Lobster
  • Vigerator = Refrigerator
  • Calmaradity = Camraderie
  • Cold soldiers = Cold shoulder
  • You should be a cannibal for your actions = You should be accountable for your actions
  • Myrant = this one is actually functional: midget + tyrant = MYRANT!
  • Jigged myself = Jinxed myself

Penny For Your Thoughts

A clip is shown of Kathy’s mother saying that “when you do the wrong thing, mistakes catch up to you”.  Tre makes a dramatic exit and pulls a Bobby by locking herself in the bathroom.  She is still miced and the audio confirms that she has the attention span of a gnat, “you have a mint, gum?  OHHHHH a penny!”

Tre-NeedBreak

Sibling Support

Joe and Juicy join the stage, but Juice man is clearly numb and in shock.  Joe Gorga takes the floor “It’s so hard for me, because it’s my sister.  Whatever.”  Wiser words have never been spoken.

Warning:  Felonious Behavior May Really F*ck Up Your Day

When it rains it pours, while the Goo-Boo-Chay fambly bond is stronger than ever, they are not immune to tragedies in large, successive, quantities.  We all know Juicy’s father had a heart attack and passed away suddenly.  Tre admits that her chubby hubby has been wandering around in a daze, drinking heavily.  And this is different from his previous behavior, how exactly?

MuinexSlug

In addition, all the legal troubles have impaired Tre’s bidness, retailers will simply not tolerate this felon trying to peddle her wares, hence she makes no money.  As if that weren’t bad enough, Tre was too dense to understand that her plea deal included prison time and she was completely blindsided.  Her doctor must have her on some low-grade beaver tranquilizer, the poor thing didn’t even understand Ter-ess-uh’s “clink clink” handcuff gesture.  Look at the bright side Tre, you are going to hang out with the Orange is the New Black Beyotches.  They make prison look fun!

Let’s Talk About Bawwwby

Bawby is apparently a trust fund baby, which confirms that Nicole is not only wearing gold lame, but she is a “gold digga”.  Is that anything like a “soul digga”, like the men who helped Melissa pretend to be a singer?  I digress… Bawby’s sexual preference was called into question over the scene where he frolicked on the beach with a very muscular and agile Joe Gorga and even performed CPR on him.  Bobby never dignifies the question with an answer, but doesn’t deny it either.  Jim and Amber Alert are being too loud an distracting and they get of the topic of Bawby’s possible homosexuality.  Jim whips out a folder of evidence and screams “Fame Whore” across the set, while holding up several pictures of Bawby posing with various housewives.  Amber Alert claims he was only hanging on with Nicole to see if she would be signed to the show so he can get his 7 minutes of fame.

FameWhore

Asshole Problem

Jim is an asshole, Amber Alert affectionately calls him “scorched Earth”, and Dina labels Jim as “mangina”, since calling him “whale vagina” is insulting to women and whale’s everywhere.  Jim brags how he made $8.5 million last year and Melissa whips out her Lawyering License and advises him to refrain from discussing his gross income from all sources on the show.  Wake up and smell the indictment!  Jim is yelling at Tre and li’l Joey Gorga has a flashback to his childhood, “don’t talk to my sister that way, she’s my sister, she threw my toys out the window!”  Uh, that’s another show entirely.  “Don’t talk that way, women box women, men box wen.  Uh menin, you know what I mean!”  No Joe, we don’t.  What is “menin”?  Isn’t that a 1987 jingle for Mennin speed stick deodorant?  Jim is a hot ass mess, he claims he is getting “hate faxes”…ummm who faxes anything anymore?  I’m sure Joe Gorga will offer you a discount on shredding those hate faxes.

Santarinogate – The Gift That Keeps On Giving Like Long-Lasting Spray Tan

OHAC prefaces the Santarinogate segment by assuring everyone on the stage that they will all be heard.  In other words, shut the f*ck up!  Jim repeated the Santarinogate rumor because he was hammered and thought it was hilarious, he only repeated it “as a joke” and he didn’t expect the twins to “go all Chernobyl”.  This guy has a sick sense of humor.  Ter-ess-uh has the floor and regardless that all men are pigs, she knows that her precious Rino would never have inappropriate relations with her mother.  Let’s bring out that crypt keeper, Victoria Gotti, to set the record straight!  Seriously, now that would have been epic.

The men get into the rumor mill a bit more and Jim bashes on Rino for hiding in his own vacation home two miles away from the Florida meltdown vacation rental from hell and he bashes Bawby for hiding in the bathroom.  Bawby states he was simply walking away from “The Marchese Spin Machine”.  Bawby owns a condo he rents to a female tenant, and Jim spun that as Bawby having a “kept woman”.

Bawby apologizes to Nicole for calling her “stupid”, but he clarified that he was calling her stupid for taking the bait from Jim.  Okay Bawby, we get it, so you weren’t “a bitch” when you hid in the bathroom, you were just “acting like a bitch”.  Whatever helps you sleep at night, dude.

Issues

Jim also apologizes to the twins and then calls Dina out for perpetuating the rumor on camera.  Jim, have you learned nothing, Dina will cut your eyes out and serve them on a cheese platter.

What Have We Learned, if Anything?

Ter-ess-uh learned that alcohol and cameras don’t mix.  Nicole learned to keep it real.  Amber Alert wouldn’t cry so much and would keep Jim off Twitter.  Melissa is learning to see the big picture.  Dina learned once you walk away from something remember why you did.  Tre apologizes to her fans for letting them down and she’s going to make herself a better person.  Tre admits that she regrets 80% of the show.

OHAC takes Tre’s delicate, tiny hands, which are about to be subjected to shackles and germy prison showers.  Tre thinks this is her last show and they get emotional for a moment.  After all Tre made reality TV history with her table flip and criminal behavior.  OHAC wishes her the best… annnd scene, Girl, BYE!  As Cynthia from the ATL would say – “This was a waste of an outfit and a wig!”

OHAC-ShakeHand

Best quote of this trifecta shit show goes do Dina:  “This show is so f*cked up!”  Yes, yes it is!

It’s the end of an era, so how long before Bravo gives Tre a spinoff show about her time in prison?

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Never Ending Journey

Let’s put this never ending fight to bed, shall we!?!?!  Where we left off, Bobby finally emerged from the bathroom and he is confronting Jim in classic Jersey style by shouting, clapping, and serenading them from the top of the staircase shortly before retreating to the bathroom again.  I swear he must be up there cutting lines like a handicapped kid at Disney world.  With the twins left on their own to fight this battle through their drunken hysteria, it’s about to get turnt up in here.  Ter-ess-uh is going crack house rat crazy and we see Nicole mouth the words “let’s go”…funny, I never pegged Nicole as the calm, sensible one.  Amber Alert is pissed at Jim and Melissa won’t be left out, she is the new and improved voice of reason.  Ter-ess-uh decides to have a smoke and Amber Alert joins her.  She flips her hair like a pro and lights up that Virginia Slim, F*CK YOU CANCER, F*CK YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE!  Dina says that Jim definitely has a vagina and tells Amber Alert, “I’m sorry you’re married to a dick.”  So, does that make Jim a hermaphrodite?  Ugh…Ter-ess-uh states that Jim is a perfect example of a Napoleon complex and Jim retorts with “you’re a perfect example of an uneducated dumb f*ck.”  Keep it klassy Jimbo!

Amber smoking

Then, as if he were hatched fresh from a boil on Satan’s anus, Jim starts yelling about Rino and his escapades, including trying to bang local crypt keeper, Victoria Gotti, dating a rusty or Russian stripper, and then he drops the mutha of all bombs… “I think he f*cked your mom!”  Joe rushes Jim off to bed to extract him from what has become an out of control shit show.  Amber Alert follows and she is clearly tore up from the floor up.  Nothing good can come from this, it will only end in tears, this situation is FRAUGHT WITH PERIL!

Alec_Baldwin_Fraught

Dina tells Ter-ess-uh that this talk of Rino and Santa was the rumor that she was speaking about and the non-dynamic duo flies off their broom handle.  They are horrified that everyone has been gossiping about this the whole time and Dina has had enough of this nutbaggery, she looks at the camera, Dina Manzo is DUNZO!  Melissa suggests, in the interest of Zen, they all sleep it off on it.

The next morning in Florida, Jim should be hiding under the bed, but he is in the kitchen whipping up breakfast as if nothing has happened.  Ter-ess-uh is packing her shit and plans to head over to her vacation home to meet Rino, which is five minutes away.  Why didn’t she go sooner?  Melissa is so furious that she must rub oil all over her body and get some sun.  Amber Alert is hunched over her breakfast like a hungover skag and when the conversation inevitably turns to the ugly events of the evening prior, Jim’s response is that it was all in good fun.  Melissa is stunned and leave it to Dina to put the kibosh on all this, after all it is severely f*cking with her Zen.  Dina emerges, looking fabulous in her jammy pants, and confronts Jim and Amber Alert, “you’re sittin’ there in your bikini and your gold jewelry like it’s no big deal, get up, pack your bags, and go!”  Dayum!  Amber Alert is reduced to tears again and she seems to forget that everyone else was perfectly fine in Florida before she and her dick vagina husband arrived.  Joe makes a drink and a toast, “the poison has left the building!”

Dina-pack and go

Meanwhile back in Jersey, a small puppy is suffering from shaken baby syndrome.  Milania is trying to burp the puppy like it’s a baby and I’m surprised the thing hasn’t bitten her ear off yet.  The fambly is having breakfast in the kitchen when Juicy announces that he and Tre have decided to forgo their separate rooms and will be spending the night as a couple in the fantasy suite.  Wait, wrong show… Tre and Juicy will have a “date night” to keep the fambly “on a float… no wait, on a flow” says Tre.  Because what better way to spend their fleeting moments with their children then to dump them off at Nana and Papa’s?

The jailbirds spend the night at The Carlton hotel and enjoy a plate of oysters, which Juicy likens to “a sloppy va-jay-jay”.  Really.  Appetizing.  Juicy figures dat he and da mizzuz have been working so hard defrauding banks, they deserve it and whatever, y’know.  We are treated to a flashback photo of Tre and Joe from the good ol’ days when they were just engaging in petty theft.  Tre has a huge head and a super skinny body, she looks like a walkin’ candy apple.  Juicy delivers a lovely toast to his “bitch wife”… “to our girls, our health, and for being the luckiest guy in the world, because I’m married to you.”  And you’re going down with me, 15 months in the pokey, you stupid skank of epic proportion.  I hear orange is the new leopard!

Tre-Joe-Night_out

We have a brief moment with Jacs and Kathy, I’m not sure why because nobody cares about these two, who are clearly clinging for dear life for their spots on this train wreck.  Jacs is like a damn dog with a bone, she talks about reaching out to Tre again and getting an abrupt, short response and Kathy advises she let it go and move on.  Later, Jacs shares a “date night” of her own.  She and hubby stay at home because they are trying to live within their means.  What a novel concept!  Chris tells her that as far as the Juicy and Tre situation goes, the writing is on the wall.  Now let’s get busy cooking dinner, so we can go get busy!

Back in Boca, what is left of the group boards a yacht called the “Never Ending Journey”, how apropos.  The gang is having a great day in the hot tub, knockin’ ‘em back and Bobby is trying to keep up, drink for drink, with Joe.  Dina is being a little bit of a shit-stirring diva and tells Nicole that Bobby should have been by Nicole’s side throughout the melee the night before and not hiding in the bathroom like the little bitch that he is.  Dina doesn’t think Bobby is in it to win it and then, suddenly, Bobby and Joe dive into the ocean and start horsing around in the water.  They wash ashore, wrestle in the soft white sand, pretend to perform CPR on each other, then Bobby gently whispers in Joe’s ear “If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.”  It borders the line of unhealthy bromance and could be the reason Bobby hasn’t put a ring on Nicole it.

Bromance

Later that night, a chef has come to the Miami Vice Mansion from Hell to prepare dinner, but Bobby is too hammered to show up.  Nicole took a nap in her bikini, which tells me she was gacked to the nines as well.  Melissa, Joe, and Dina are the only ones who make it to the dinner table and Nicole eventually comes down.  She tries to pass off Bobby’s absence as “food poisoning”.  Yes, too much vodka food.  Ter-ess-uh and Rino stop by to say hello and they all have a good laugh.  Rino thinks that the Santarinogate rumor is so outlandish that it’s hilarious.  Bobby finally drags his way downstairs and I can almost smell him through the television, a hard mix of stale pork rinds and sticky bar room floor.  Joe gives a toast to “friends, happiness, and good people.”  Yes, good people who are not of the mother f*cking variety…

Next week, Jacs and Kathy meet the twins and get in on the dish.  Rosie declares “the whole word mother f*cker has a whole new meaning!” Now that’s something to smoke about!

Rosie Cigarette

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

Gator Junction of Dysfunction

The ladies are still poking around in Boca Raton…they dress up in their finest Jimmy Choo’s so that the gators can see how useful the skins of their former fambly are being put to good use.  Nothing much to see here except that Dina becomes attached to a baby disabled gator that was born without a tail.  Little do the ladies know, the real danger in the water is lurking back at the Miami Vice vacation home of hell fire.

Gators

Back in Jersey, Tre and Juicy discuss the “texteses” that Juice Man received from Chris Laurita.  No matter how many boxes of wine it takes, the Laurita’s are gonna work their way back into the Goo-Boo-Chay friendship of dysfunction.

Kathy and Richie go over the plans for their new house with their general contractor, who happens to be the highlight of the episode.  It’s Kevin Jonas!  Rosie is all like “didn’t you used to sing-n-stuff?”  Hells yea!  Rosie is all in, “let’s get N*SNC-n-Lance Bass in on this sh!t!”  Later we learn over an emotional fambly dinner that Rosie has parted ways with her Bravo mandated girlfriend, Ellen.  She is back on the prowl to find her ride or die bitch, but they just don’t make ‘em like they used to anymore.

Back in Boca, Dina alerts Amber Alert that she knows about Santa-Rinogate.  Meanwhile, Jim is in the living room paying compliments to the Non-Dynamic Duo, but then it turns ugly and he goes after Bobby, basically telling him to “sack up” when it comes to committing to Nicole.  Jim decides to go look for more booze to fuel the drama volcano that is about to erupt like a river of ferocious hot liquid magma.

Melissa and Jim go into the kitchen together so that the Non-Dynamic Duo can set up the next scene.  They are going on and on about Bobby’s commitment phobia and Bobby storms out with Nicole on his heels like a rabid Chihuahua.  He mutters something about “you play into this one more time, I’m leaving”, and then he calls her stupid.  Keep it classy Bawwwby!  It actually sounds like sound-bytes taken out of context and dubbed over the scene to add drama.  He locks himself in the bathroom and hides behind the toilet.  Apparently, he has his vodka soaked tampon on backwards.  Everyone is gathered in the living room and Dina appears to be a stress eater because she has a box of donuts in her lap that she is snarfing down like black tar heroin.  Ter-esss-uh is in full first responder mode and she tries to break down the bathroom door and retrieve Bobby.  Jim continues to trash Bobby and alludes to having information from Bobby about the Non-Dynamic Duo’s fambly.  Amber Alert’s eyes bug out of her head and she tries to shut him up.

Jim-Amber

He won’t let up, so Amber Alert flees the scene and Dina tries to talk her off the ledge.  Amber Alert wants Bobby to come out of hiding, she demands “bring me him!” with all of her dramatic psycho flair.

Dina-Amber

Ter-esss-uh storms at Jim “what is going on!”  I want to know what is going on too, I think the editors must have been suckin’ down some contractually obligated expired Fabellini.  This is a hot mess.   I also want to know what is going on with Melissa’s yellow dress and royal blue shoes.  She must be working on shapes and colors this week.  Anyhoo…Jim reveals that Bobby has been cheating on Nicole for the entire time they have been dating, he’s got some chick stashed away in a secret condo, process that.  Joe tries to take Jim out of the room, he explains that “in a man’s world, Jim is a bitch.”  WORD!  Bobby finally emerges from the bathroom, sweating like a farm animal, and he is ready to throw down with Jim.

Bobby-Fight

Annnnnd we are out of time folks, tune in next week for the possible fight or to see another dragged out shit show.  I guess the Bravo intern hasn’t pumped the cast up with enough vodka to properly execute the fight, and why milk the drama for only two episodes when you can cash in on the drama cow for three?  It’s the Jersey way!

Badmouthing in Boca

The hags are headed out to Boca Raton, Florida for some drama in the sun.  The ladies offer up a Bravo mandated toast to Tre, who cannot leave the great state of Jersey.  It’s no sweat off of anyone’s ballz that Amber Alert can’t come either, she can keep her drama at home.

Meanwhile, in snowy Jersey, Tre and G to the ia begin house hunting since they need to downsize.  The realtor keeps telling Tre that the house just can’t compare to her current home, which is not the way to sell, but must be for dramatic effect.  It’s pure tragedy that she has to downsize to an 8,800 square foot house.  We are treated to an early Tre flashback saying she gets “scheezed” looking at used houses, “that’s gross” she tells us.  Yes, it’s 8,800 square feet of pre-owned pure squalor!  She really has no choice in this matter…and oh look a urinal and bidet in the master bedroom!  The realtor suggests she market her current 12,000 square foot home for $4 million.  Hey, at least it’s bigger than Melissa and Joe’s re-done rental home of squalor and despair.  I think Tre better prepare herself for some “downsizing” to an 8 x 8 grey cell.

Realtor

Other happenings in Jersey, Kathy pops by to see Jacs in her own house of horrors and we catch up with her nightmare.  While Jacs inhales the desserts Kathy brought, she updates us on her son, Nicholas.  He has progressed quickly, but not as quickly as Jacs jams that cannoli in her pie hole.  The only other thing we learn her is that Jacs’ makeup artist must have been workin’ overtime with the contouring brush.  Jacs and Kathy discuss the Tre situation and Jacs is crushed that Tre did not respond to her gushing, heart-felt texts with the same enthusiasm.  Jacs got a “thank you, hugs-n-kisses” and that was about it.  Kathy seems a little annoyed and tries to translates that Tre’s flat response is telling, Tre wants to close the book on Jacs’ contoured nose.

Later, Kathy takes Jacs to the construction site of the home that Kathy and Richie are building.  Kathy explains that she and Richie want to live within their means, what a novel concept.  Jacs can’t leave well enough alone and she announces that she and Chris are selling their home too.  Good, move away, move far…far…away.

Back in Boca, the non-dynamic duo check out the house they are staying in, it’s very “Miami Vice” and they think the hot tub will give them Legionnaires disease.  The gang finally settles by the pool and enter Jeff, the pool boy.  He will dote on the women hand and foot, and what a co-wink-a-dink, he is single and so is Dina.  Nicole thinks he is perfect with the exception of his hairy nipples???  Wha????  Anyhoo, Melissa is getting her serious drink on, now that she is away from her four children and isn’t contractually obligated to consume that Fabellini swill.  The non-dynamic duo think Melissa is showing her fun side, but Dina thinks Melissa is just showing off her body.

Melissa-showoff

Maybe so, but more power to her and God’s speed to her plastic surgeon.  She looks great for having four children, one of which is a grown ass man.  Later, the ladies go shopping in order to cook a lovely meal and the non-dynamic duo cannot stop saying “long hots” in reference to hot peppers.  I’m waiting for one of the women to find a 20 lb. sack of Fingerling potatoes and beat these two senseless with it.

We get a brief snapshot of what is happening at the Gorga home, Joe is holding down the fort “babysitting”, as if this is his part-time gig to make extra walkin’ around money.  That pesky irritant called “parenting” is just too much for him to take on.  Joe is having a pillow fight with his kids when Melissa calls to check in.  They are jumping all over the couch, throwing a football in the house, and destroying art work on the wall.  After Joe gets off the phone, he has a talk with his daughter about boys, but she is a bit young for it, and so is he frankly.  Joe says he isn’t ready for that discussion and he will “break the internet” so his daughter doesn’t find out about Justin Bieber and shit.  Good lookin’ out, man.

I suppose we have to throw in the update on Amber Alert, her bloodwork is fine and the outlook is optimistic.  So once again, much dramatic buildup about nothing.

The non-dynamic duo suggest that they call Amber Alert to see how she is doing.  What another co-wink-a-dink, a call from Amber Alert pops up like herpes in a public school.  Dina answers and Amber informs her that her bloodwork is perfect and she and Jim are headed to Boca tomorrow!  Dina’s face goes blank, like she had just seen a ghost wearing last year’s Jimmy Choo wedges.  The impending arrival of Amber Alert threatens Dina’s “zen” in a big way.  Amber Alert may bust open that stocking full o’ goodies about Rino and Santa, which Dina is holding.

The ladies sit down to their meal and Melissa is already half in the bag.  Dina decides to play a fun game of “tell us a random fact about you, like who likes a golden shower”.  Oh okay, yea, because that’s great dinner conversation?  Melissa doesn’t understand it at all and starts yammering about peeing in the shower.  Dina quickly corrects her and explains what the “golden shower” is.  Nicole suggests that Melissa enjoys a “pearl necklace” and Melissa is about as confused as Paula Abdul after a box of wine.  Dina goes to get her phone to show them these things in action, translation = porn, although Dina claims to just watch it for the décor.  Well, who doesn’t?

The ladies move their party outside and contemplate how the dynamic will change when Amber Alert arrives.  Dina and Ter-ess-uh walk away to investigate an anorexic palm tree and Dina uses the opportunity to give Ter-ess-uh a vague heads up about some gossipy information she is holding.

Dina-Teressa

Ter-ess-uh cuts Dina off at the knees and tells her not to say anything, she doesn’t want to know.  Leave it to Nicole to squash any sense of reason, because once she gets wind of this, she demands to know.  The twins argue about knowing vs. not knowing, which is a perfect build up to next week when Jim and Amber Alert arrive.

Sh!t Shoveling

It’s four days before the plea deal for the Goo-Boo-Chay fambly of wayward felons.  Tre is cooking in the kitchen with her girls, Audriana is chopping onions and Milania decides to eat some raw onions and act like a damn fool, and G to the ia rolls her eyes in disgust at all three of them.  Across town, at the Gorga 15,000 square foot rental home of squalor, they catch their fambly on the television news, while Amber Alert is scouring her go-to news source, “Radar Online”.  Amber Alert preps for her Emmy winning performance and calls Tre, already busting out the histrionics before the call even goes through.  Watch out, Meryl Streep!  Tre is like “wha, what happened”, G to the ia can hear Amber Alert sobbing and she starts laughing.  Tre chalks it up to being pre-menstrual or because she has been through “the cancer”.  Amber Alert is a hot mess express and she really needs to consider waterproof mascara.  Amber Alert keeps pressing her, “Is it true?  Is it true?  I thought you were, like, in the clear!”  I don’t know what version of reality Amber Alert subscribes to, but Tre smartly cuts her off and can’t discuss it further at the advice of her legal counsel.  Jim finds Amber Alert in a puddle of tears all over the clean laundry she is folding, he explains the process of accepting a plea deal and it’s not looking good for the Goo-boo-chays.  Amber Alert equates this to her cancer scare AGAIN, because you know…it’s, like, so similar.  “At least it’s not a death sentence…” she says.  Yeah well, two years without access to body glitter and Frankenstein hair extensions might just be the demise of Tre Goo-boo-chay!

Amber-Hysterics

Melissa calls the “is it true or not true hotline” and Tre maintains it’s not true.  After Tre hangs up, G to the ia questions her mom further, but neither of them can keep it together.  You have to wonder what the hell was going through her mind when she participated in the fraudulent activities, unless she is truly that ignorant or thinks she is that invincible.

Melissa and Dina go for a work-out, which is odd because these two don’t seem to even like each other.  We find out that the weird, cut-rate gym with pulleys hanging from the ceiling is merely the stage to start talking about the Bravo mandated trip, not an actual workout.  They talk about heading to Florida, because hey, Tre broke the law, but we want to see her happy.  I am wondering how Tre could even leave the state with her pending charges.

Jim and Amber Alert are making dinner together and discuss the fact that they are pissed off that Bobby repeated what Jim told him in confidence ON NATIONAL TELEVISION about the Goo-Boo-Chays.  Jim can’t wait to spill the beans about his pal Bobby, who allegedly has names of women stored in his phone, just waiting in the wings, one in Florida.  Jim thinks he is so tough, serving Bobby a “cup o’ shut the f*ck up!”  Does he not understand he is ON CAMERA SAYING THIS SHIT!?!?!

Tre and Dina are shoveling snow and Tre is glad that Dina is the kind of superficial friend who doesn’t ask any questions.  All Dina cares about is shoveling snow off of her Buddha statue because it’s really f*cking up her zen.  Melissa shows up to be useless, as usual.  The three stooges walk around to the back of the house for some reason, get stuck in the snow, then they tell Tre that they want to take her away to Florida.  Tre is all in, because after all she may not see the sun for two years.

Snow

The non-dynamic duo are trying to dig out of their own mess and Bobby drives up to shovel out some shit of his own.  Apparently Amber Alert keeps calling and texting him.  Nicole reads the texts aloud, but Ter-ess-uh asks her to apply her theatrical knowledge and use a man’s voice while reading Bobby’s texts and a girl voice for Amber Alert’s texts.  Oy vey…I can’t take these two idiots and their Dunkin’ Donuts obsession.

Dina is hosting a gathering of the ladies to discuss her “Project Ladybug” event that will be dedicated to kids fighting cancer.  Amber Alert shows up in her “I heard some gossip Burbury Newsboy hat”, ready to stir up trouble, more on that later…

The ladies all want to help Dina, heck Tre has a good friend who was just diagnosed with breast cancer and “April 1st she’s gettin’ a vasectomy”.  I’ll give you a moment to wrap your brain around that and shake your head in haughty disdain.  While they all discuss the theme for the party, they come up with “Old Hollywood”, because of course kids are totally into that.  Dina changes the subject and throws out the invitation to Florida, the non-dynamic duo is down to travel, but Amber Alert can’t process going away.  She has all that laundry full of mascara stains to wash.

It is then that Amber Alert decides to pull Tre aside to discuss the rumor that they heard from Victoria Gotti about Rino and Mama Santa having inappropriate relations.  Amber Alert swears she won’t mention it, right as she mentions it within ear shot of Ter-ess-uh.  Tre finally tells her that she has her own shit going on and really doesn’t give a rats ass.  When did Tre Goo-boo-chay become a calm, level-headed player in this debacle?  While the other ladies sit and wonder what they are gossiping about, Nicole takes the opportunity to spill the tea on Amber Alerts crazy texts to Bobby.  When Amber Alert and Tre return to the group, the tension is thick, but neither side will offer up the dirt they were each dishing.

Gossipin

It’s the day of the plea deal and Juicy is tending to his chickens while Tre is laying on the bedroom floor reading prayers out of a book.  We see footage of Tre and Juicy hurrying into the courtroom, bottom line they both plead guilty to multiple fraud charges and are both looking at jail time.  Juicy has the added bonus of facing being deported back to Italy.  Bravo’s sister station “E!” gave the full report.  Because no one delivers hard-hitting reality television star news like Giuliana Rancic.

Tre-praying

We see small snippets of the other cast mates weighing in, Ter-ess-uh is more concerned about what Tre was wearing, Rino confuses a gavel with a mullet and the other cast mates plead ignorance.  They don’t know much about it, how all that crazy laws stuff works.  I think they are all still in shock that Tre admitted to doing something wrong.  Tre’s attorney reads a statement from Tre – she takes responsibility for a series of mistakes, etc., she’s heartbroken, her attorney is pushing for probation rather than prison.  My only sincere hope is that she does get probation.  If she goes to prison, who will teach her girls super advanced pole spins like the armpit hold and the Brass Monkey?  Ugh, there aren’t enough jewel-toned sequins in the world to fix this.  Latest update is that their sentencing was postponed to 10/2/14.  Tre’s Jimmy Choo’s could be sinking into the dry dirt in the yard for up to 27 months and Juice man could be wearing his soap on a rope for 46 months.

Tre-Court

Previews show what’s coming in the season ahead, viewership must be flagging.  Jacs is coming back on the scene and it looks like drama ahead when Jim blurts out that he saw Rino f*cking Santa Claus.

Tainted Chicken

The fight with the men continues as Joe defends Juicy, while Juicy sits in the kitchen pouring scotch down his gullet like a nitrous sucking demon clown.  Melissa hoists up her suspenders on her SQUAT Team body suit and runs outside after Joe out of sheer habit of protecting his spray on hair.  Teresa squeals like a baby piglet and runs out, Amber Alert is yelling at Joe, and Joe demands apology from Jim.  Jim is not one to brawl, he will just threaten to sue you with his non-existent legal prowess.

Joe-Jim Fight

After all the dust settles, the menacing Marchese’s reveal that they left their keys inside, so they walk back inside of the frat party gone wrong.  So much for a dramatic exit.  Nicole is back downstairs, yammering on to anyone who will listen to her “homewrecker” tale of woe.  Nicole cannot believe this fight took place in front of the upper echelon of society who she must face at the post office or, wait for it… the Dunkin’ Donuts!

Jim gets cornered in the living room by the three musketeers and he tries to explain to Tre that he didn’t want to put her fambly in “danger”, by being out drinking with the guys.  Tre, Dina, and Melissa don’t compute, to which Jim says “Is there anyone here with an I.Q. above 12?!?!”  Well, NO!  Of course all the women are offended and Dina notes the “magnitude of his douchebaggery could clean a whale’s vagina”.  What.  The.  Actual.  Fuck.

Three musketeers

Nicole confronts Bobby about the low blow from Amber Alert, “That’s why Bobby won’t marry you!”  Bobby carries Nicole away like a cave man and she tells him if he ever speaks to Amber Alert again, they are done and she flings her hands in his face.  Bobby doesn’t take well to this and tells her to pump her brakes.  There is a definite chink in their armor, but nothing that a few tears, the gun range, and some body glitter won’t fix.

Another day at the Goo-boo-chay house of horrors, Juicy brings the girls out back to show them the chicken coop he has purchased for the fambly, complete with a rooster that will wake them all at 5:00 a.m.  All of the girls, except Milania, are completely grossed out.  Tre is excited about having natural eggs “no steroidis”.  Later, we find out that their dog got loose and mistook the chicken coop for a local “Popeye’s” and ate two chickens, which has traumatized G to the ia.  Juicy, Rosie, and Milania take a ride out to a chicken farm to replace the murdered chickens.  Milania helps farmer load up the new poultry pals, while Rosie has a heart to cold black heart moment with the Juice man.  She is there for him if he ever wants to go have a drink to get his mind off of things, or if it’s Tuesday, or if he is having a bad hair day, or if it’s windy.

Dina is at “Serendipity” in Manhattan and she orders hot water with lemon as she waits for her date, Matt.  After 30 minutes and realizing she may be stood up, she grabs the waiter by his collar and demands a large frozen hot chocolate and French fries.  As she is dipping the fries in the hot chocolate, Matt does show up and claims he got a flat tire.  He must be the only first responder without a cell phone.  I think he was late because he spent too long rolling around in a Dorito pit to achieve his orangey glow.  Matt orders a coffee and they start talking about Dina’s divorce and she reveals she still lives with Tommy.  Matt is unfazed and invites Dina to hot yoga and offers to cook for her.  Dina is not impressed and she hops in a cab as Matt hands the driver some ride money.

Amber Alert and wormy Jim are folding laundry and rehashing the first responders melee.  Bobby stops by to “put Humpty Dumpty back together again”, but it quickly goes south.  Amber Alert offers him a “hotty toddy” (dumbass!) and proceeds to rip into Bobby about how disappointed she is in him.  Bobby flips the script on her and tells her she was out of line by repeating the gossip about his #1 girl and Jim blasts back with some details that Bobby likely wanted to keep private, such as how Bobby complains incessantly about Nicole and how Nicole looks like a mob of rabid outlaws from the Crayola factory gang banged her face.

The Non-Dynamic Duo drops by the Gorga residence of squalor and small closets.  Ter-ess-uh and Antonia demonstrate their gymnastics moves in the kitchen, because the house is so small and all.  (The kitchen is big enough for them to do cartwheels.)  The adults try to re-hash the Amber Alert drama, but Joe chimes in and chalks the Marchese’s behavior up to insecurity and small penises.

Amber Alert has invited Tre and Dina to a spa to make nicey nice and rub bird shit on their faces.  Amber Alert starts to rally the troops by apologizing for her husband’s behavior, but Tre and Dina can only focus on the peanut butter like smelling facial they are receiving.  We find out later that it is “nightingale droppings” and Tre instantly regrets licking her cheeks.  Amber Alert is going for Oscar gold, choking back tears regarding the fall out with Melissa.  Dina points out Melissa is passive aggressive, and Tre jumps right back on board the Melissa bashing express.

Teresa Hair Net

Amber Alert and Melissa are meeting a restaurant that is not empty to have the patented table conversation of death.  Melissa asks her how her head is feeling as a result of the hair pulling, but Amber Alert loses more hair in the shower and equates the Non-Dynamic Duo to “swatting away little gnats.”  Melissa points out that Amber Alert brought the aggression, but Amber Alert, who is dressed like Martha Washington, blames Melissa for repeating the rumor, calling her a “liar, troublemaker, and impostor!”  Melissa tells her she doesn’t trust her and took offense to Jim calling Joe a “fuckin’ dumbass”.  Amber Alert gets into her old timey way back machine and spews back “you are a very tainted woman!”  Looks like Amber Alert is prepared to bring the drama this season, see you next week!