Missing the Marc

Welcome to the penultimate episode of RHOA, where the ladies wind down and pretend to be doing important things with their lives.  Let’s start with Porsha, who is on some sort of pseudo-roller skating date with her boss, Rickey Smiley.  There is definitely some chemistry here, Rickey seems to have all the feels for her juicy-booty, but Porsha is way too busy brushing her wigs on the nightly – no room for a relationship, baby, or a sexual harassment suit.  Rickey is rather adept on his skates, while Porsha… well she looks like a savage cat on a waffle iron.  She takes a spill and Rickey is concerned about her booty and pretends to perform some sort of new-fangled ass CPR.  To hell with their employer’s fraternization polices, these two should get together.

Meanwhile, across town at the Bailey Agency Skewl for Wayward Models, 50-Cynt stands over her assistant trying to look like she’s doing actual work – saying worky-type things like “let’s workshop that idea”, “I’ll touch base”, “it’s a win-win”, “let’s take this off-line”… Kenya waltzes in lookin’ hella ratchet, she’s channeling “naughty skewl girl hooker” in her bad outfit choice.  Apparently, Kenya has so much wonderful footage from her domestic violence PSA that she has created an entire 30-minute special and she will hold the premiere party at 50-Cynt’s vacant space.  She will be hosting ten domestic violence survivors for a full makeover and red-carpet experience.  The only interesting thing of note in this scene, is that 50-Cynt’s “Director” of the Agency is also sporting a skirt!

Over in da’ hood – Kandi sits upon her throne at the Kandi Factory and announces to Todd and Don Juan that she has put an offer on the property across the street.  Google may be building a headquarters down the street and she wants in on this shit.  I can see it now, the Kandi Kafe, Koffee by Kandi, Kale Kookies by Kandi … the possibilities are endless, let’s workshop this idea!  Let’s face it, she’s the only real hustler here.  The woman has so many revenue streams, her children will never have to work or obtain a personality.  Now, to get down to the most important bidness of the day – Kandi is concerned about Nene’s Insta-Meltdown and she feels bad about kicking her off the tour.  Todd is oddly team-Nene and his first line of defense is to refer to the fact that our Evil Cheeto in Chief says horrid shit all the time and it’s okay… so why can’t Nene make a rape joke?  IT’S COMEDY!  Oh Todd – JUST NO.  It’s not okay… it never will be okay… #DON’TGETMESTARTED!  Don Juan is the unlikely voice of reason here and reminds Kandi that bidness decisions are like, hard and stuff.  Oh Kandi, have we taught you NOTHING?  How quickly you forget the “Tardy For the Party” fiasco, or the “Phaedra Sparks Workout Video” debacle – you do not mix bidness with contractually obligated pretend friendships!

girl-bye-aint-nobody-got-time-fo-dat-meme

We catch up with Nene in her game room, and I need to point out here that she has bar stools with black toilet seats as the actual seats.  This is an odd choice considering she demands luxury goods and undeserving handicapped parking privileges.  She has a chat with her son Brentt, who announces… AHEM… that he’s ready to get into the entertainment/comedy industry.  Okay – two things… 1)  I believe a chief requirement would be a personality, and 2)  Nene better get on the Googler and find him a diction coach.  The kid talks like he’s got marbles in his mouth!  Nene warns him that comedy is a fickle, crafty, minx that will kick his ass into next week and he won’t be able to… AWW HELL… who are we kidding.  This is never happening unless Brentt has some secret personality that only comes out at night, when no one is around except the water-bugs.

Over at Chateau Shereé, SBS is ordering contractors around and looking like a stunned mouse in a Dixie cup as her interior designer tells her he needs more time.  More time on the bathroom, the spa area, the sauna, the bar, the tanning-trough, the movie theater, the gym, the waxing station, the carbonated drink mixing area, the staging area, the heli-pad… oh yes dear readers, SBS is finally finishing her 5,000 square foot basement and plans to hole up with Prison BAE 4-EVA!  SBS scurries outside to take her daily 15-minute call from Prison BAE, they talk about their future, “making it official”, “destination wedding”, “blending the families”, “making room at the dinner table for one more” (his Parole Officer).  Prison BAE is making statements about taking care of everything, taking a trip to Bali, paying for an $8,000 stair climbing machine out of his commissary account.  What’s the deal Prison BAE, you runnin’ some underground sweat-shop selling soiled prison-mate boxers?  Like he’s all high-rollin’ and shit?  You got some skrilla tucked in your air mattress?  WHAT?

What

Just as these two are romanticizing about their amazing, imaginary future, the robo-prison call voice chimes in – “this is a call from Federal PRISON”.  #HOPESANDDREAMSDASHED!  Sorry Prison BAE, your reality check has bounced and you are wanted in seven states.

Dreams Crushed

Later, SBS is lookin’ a little rough, her makeup is the opposite of on-point and her hair looks like a wild hamster nest.  Maybe a wild night in the conjugal visit trailer?  Her daughter, Kaleigh, is home from school visiting and wakes up at 2 p.m. for breakfast?  Anyhoo – they discuss Prison BAE and Kaleigh has some sage advice for mom – “there’s a lot of fish in the sea, and you go for jail bait.”  SBS thinks her children will come around when they meet Prison BAE in the flesh and see what an amazing con-man he is.

SBS looking rough

In other “parenting done right” news, we learn that Miss Noelle has a passion for dentistry and she’s obtained an internship with a prosti-dontist, which I think means prosthetic dentistry.  50-Cynt drops by with lunch, complete with ill-timed sugary drinks.  Noelle wants to find a career that helps her make a difference in people’s lives.  At least 50-Cynt has parented well, this girl is a good li’l egg that understands hawking her mom’s “flash in the pan” cargo bags won’t pay da’ rent!  The most interesting factoid we learn here is that 50-Cynt had her first job at Taco Bell, which just made my entire week worth living.  AHHH-MAZING!

taco bell shells

Kenya preps her domestic violence survivor guests with a salon experience, complete with a shameless plug for Kenya Moore hair care products.  Hopefully it’s actual product and not just water in the bottles this time!  Later, Kenya makes her grand entrance at the event.  Everyone is looking great – three snaps in a Z formation!

three snaps z formation

Annnnd then there’s Maude Nene, sporting one of her Mumu’s from the Mrs. Roper collection.  Nene is just phoning it in at this point.  The ladies ask if Question Marc will be attending, but Kenya gives the “nah… he can’t find his way out of a paper bag, let alone book a plane ticket on Expedia” speech.  Did you marry a toddler?  The ladies don’t get this either, then just as Kenya is delivering her introductory, welcome to my event, sorry my boobs look like two half-dead possums taped to my chest, speech… in walks Question Marc!  Everyone is a bit stunned, including him.  Seriously – what’s with this dude?  I think the cardboard cut-out had more personality than him and Brentt Leakes combined!  Kenya introduces Marc to the ladies, 50-Cynt seems to have a rather unhealthy obsession with him – she hugs him about five times.  Then, leave it to SBS to deliver a wispy, brush-stroke of shady bitchery – “where did you get that strategically placed speck of body-glitter on the side of your nose your nose ring… because I want to get one!”  HA!

Question Marc

On the other side of the room, Porsha is giving Nene some high-top cocktail table wisdom, which is hilarious because she’s essentially repeating back the advice Nene gave her!  Seriously though Nene, you’re kind of an asshole.  Take your own advice, get out of your own way, and for the sake of all that is good and decent… call an exterminator and hire a stylist.

Next week, the Halloween party finale showdown of destruction!  Porsha takes the stage in her play, and SBS basement is finished!  Eva hosts a Halloween party, SBS and Porsha exchange unsavory words, and Nene shows up dressed as an exterminator and poor ol’ crusty Gregg is stuffed into a cock roach costume!  Can’t wait!

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Reading of the Will

Hey everybody… I don’t want to spend a ton of time on the first 45 of this episode because, yet again, the last 15 are the only minutes worth our time.  I don’t know about you, but I am feeling a little unfulfilled by the dramaticus-interrupus this week.  And to top it off, we have to wait two weeks for the continuation of the dreaded “to be continued” because there’s something going on next Sunday night, I think it’s the “Pepsico Fiesta Hoe Down Bowl”, or something like that.  The entire episode is merely prep-work for the explosive “Reading of the Will”, and no dear readers, Mama Joyce has not kicked the bucket.

We start out with Porsha, hosting Wigs-n-Cigs for a professionally prepared baby vegan meal.  Wigs has been vegetarian her whole life, and you know what else she’s done her whole life?  Made her men chauffer her around like second rate Uber drivers.  Yes, Kroy is waiting in the Suburban, AGAIN!  Wigs runs out for a red SOLO cup refill and at least has the decency to bring him a tofurky dog with extra relish.  Porsha gives Wigs the low down about how evil Kenya re-appeared from the depths of Satan’s asshole during the Houston trip.  Wigs chalks it up to being exhausted, winded, and bereft from carrying on the charade of fake marriage.  While this is all going down, the paid professional vegan chef is chuckling to herself as she sneezes into their tofu-surprise.

Wigs cooking

Kandi is prepping for an “Essence Magazine, This is What Winning Looks Like, So Suck an Eggplant Porsha” extravaganza.  Kandi has Don Juan on staff and Carmon on contract, because good, bitchy help is hard to find.  Don Juan didn’t invite Porsha, but Kandi insists, she is performing a public service really.  Porsha needs a substantial example of success.  The Kandi Koated Klique is afraid it will send the wrong message and Porsha will think they are BFF status again, but no… complicated is the order of the day, and Kandi insists on the non-passive-aggressive gesture.

50-Cint and her assistant (Hold up…I didn’t even know she had or needed an assistant), are toiling away at Lake Bailey making sushi.  Mr. Where there’s a Will, there’s a shady way, is making his maiden voyage to Lake Bailey and 50-Cint wants to impress.  After Will arrives, they attempt to finish making the sushi, but bail out and opt for the gas station container of California Rolls that 50-Cint has stashed in the fridge.  50-Cint broaches the “are we dating or seeing other people” convo, and Will waves all the red flags.  He tells her he’s not dating anyone else and he wants to settle down and have a family, but if that’s what he wants at age 37, why the hell is he involved with 50-Cint?  Oh, sorry, I’m not a man… a little slow on the uptake.  Just answered my own question – he wants to take a spin in her mahogany canoe.  Sorry Will, the lake is a bit choppy today!

Nene is back this week to give us our newest, delightful cast-mate.  Eva Marcille is a former ANTM winner, she knows Nene from LA (several years, hunni), she has a three-year-old daughter, and she’s dating Michael Sterling, who happens to be running for Mayor of the ATL.

Eva intro

Across town, Kenya takes her cousin Che along to purchase some fitness equipment in an attempt to get Question Marc to spend some time at Moore Manor.  They cop a squat on a couple of rowing machines and Kenya talks about how Marc is such an “alpha-male” (translation = controlling creepo you see on those Discovery ID re-enactments).  Kenya’s had to fall back a bit and give in to Marc’s wishes – a stick shift car, making sure she has “washing powder” for the clothes, laying out his socks and underwear for the next day, and cooking frozen Trader Joe’s pasta meals in a pan to pass them off as home-cooked.  It’s a lotta work y’all!  By this time the salesman returns with his price for the weight equipment, only $6,915 and delivery by tomorrow!  She hands him Question Marc’s AMEX card, CHA-CHING!

It’s the night of the Essence Magazine Reveal Party – Don Juan is in full-force security mode – as Porsha walks in, he speaks into the walkie talkie “WARNING — WARNING – The Underground Railroad train has arrived, all armed men in the vicinity report to the station!  SECURE THE PERIMETER!  DUCK AND COVER!”

Meanwhile, Nene and Eva are en route to the party (with Gregg as their Uber driver for the night).  Eva reveals that she met Will and his girlfriend about two months ago.  A woman who is very good with Will’s daughter, and who is incidentally… not 50-Cint!  Concurrently, at the party, we see Will tell 50-Cint that he’s been single for 2 ½ years.  Ooooh, somethin’ in the buttermilk ain’t clean, but are we really surprised this dude is sketch as f*ck?

The rest of the gang is trickling in and Papa Smurf even makes an appearance.  If there was ever a time Papa should intervene and ruin 50-Cint’s life, it’s NOW!  RELEASE THE HOUNDS, PAPA!  But naw… Peter is just making an appearance to congratulate Kandi, smoke a stogie with Todd, and slam down a few free cocktails.

Don Juan starts the stage show, Wigs is holding her red SOLO cup with her teeth so she can applaud.  At what point will that cup go out of style or just disintegrate from the levels of rubbing alcohol it contains?  Todd takes the mic and makes a really awkward speech about how his wife is so wonderful, she even invited the undesirables.  Not the way to “fly above”, homie!  Don Juan announces that Kandi just booked a part in “Chicago” on Broadway, Kandi gives her thanks and she becomes emotional.

Now for the good shit, Nene tells Kandi about Will, Carmon chimes in that she has also heard on the “street” that he “has a lady”.  Eva confirms she met said “lady” a few days before Will’s relationship with 50-Cint went public.  The heathens decide that someone should tell 50-Cint privately and not in a group setting.  Kenya takes lead on this project and Nene is reeling a bit, as in – “nuh-uh, no way is she handing off this BIG SALAD and taking credit for it!”

Big Salad 2

Kenya pulls 50-Cint aside and the minions are 2.3 seconds behind her.  50-Cint takes the news well, “I completely receive this and assume it’s coming out of love and concern for me.”  Will sidles up to 50-Cint and senses she’s upset, Kenya pulls him aside and tells him what’s up.  SHOCKINGLY, he denies everything.  50-Cint turns to him, she understands they aren’t exclusive, but she isn’t going to date a man with a girlfriend.  Sorry Will, you’re a grade-A sketchball and she’s… well she’s 50-CINT!

Will is pissed that he’s being ambushed and wants to get it all out on the table, so he calls Eva into the conversation.  As she saunters up, “well, this is quite messy!” he becomes angry and defensive.  Eva waves her acrylic fingernail of justice, pulling out her cell phone “HOLD UP, because what we’re not gonna do…”  Homegirl doesn’t play, she came prepared, with receipts.  NOT TODAY PLAYA!  NOT TODAY!

Eva - Will

As this installment of “Will and no Grace” draws to a close – he contends he met Eva seven months ago, there was no girlfriend, and clearly, he is lying.  His timeline is about as accurate as the human female gestation period according to Phaedra.  Then he says something so ludicrous, I had to run TiVo back twice and still couldn’t quite translate his playa speak… “Everything was perfect until this came along and I think that hurt me because of the perfect gentleman I was to her. Thank you, because you showed me that I have to be more better at other things.”  Back away from the psychopath slowly, I implore you, ladies.

Will - Eva - Cint

Will decides to cut and run, but not without asking Gregg if he can hit the open bar first, as if he’s the keeper of the Gin.  SBS and Wigs-n-Cigs realize the real tea party is going on outside and head over to get the dirt.  50-Cint is so over this, Louboutin’s in hand, what a  waste of an outfit and a wig.

50-Cint

Porsha asks 50-Cint if she’s okay, she explains everything and says she’s too old for this shit.  50-Cint wants to know any intel, that anyone has, at any time, regarding any man she dates.  With this revelation, Porsha’s Scooby Doo ears perk up – “well since you asked….”, and this is where we are left with 50-Cint tearing up and the dreaded “TO BE CONTINUED”.

 

Next time – Mama Joyce requests a sit-down with her Wal-Mart Death Wedgie and Porsha, Marlo is planning a trip and invites Wigs.

Stuck in a Moment

Hello RHATL readers – I dunno, I feel as if this was one of those “throw-away” episodes, you know… where the entire production staff decided to take a page out of Ramona Singer’s manual for living your ultimate menopausal life — they have popped a Xanax, calmed all the way down, and phoned it in.  This is one of those eps. where all the meandering, mind-numbing conversation footage is merely prep-work for the last 15 minutes.  However, there is a silver lining in this storm, the last 15 are GOLD!

Ramona xanax

Let’s dive right into the messiness… Sooo, like, everyone who is anyone is organizing some sort of fund-raiser to help out in Houston, TX for the hurricane Harvey victims.  Via unseen footage from the “All Shade, Elephants Stampede Out the Same Dayum Way They Came In, Piss off the Energy Reader Spectacular”, Porsha invited the gang to come support her event, but she was met with long, silent, fake-eyelash blinks.  You know the ones – where the falsies are so heavy, the skanks can’t lift their lids up in a timely fashion.  Shamea of all people calls Porsha and offers to come on down, but Porsha isn’t ready to forgive her for calling out her “vasovagal legs can’t fly coach” disease in front of the Kandi-Koated Klique.

Across town, Cynthia and Kandi meet for dinner, Kenya is a no-show, which violates Addendum XIV, Section 118 (a) of the Friendship Contract!  Cynthia wants to re-hash the “Elephants Stampede, We All Wear White, Never Forget, Tip Your Energy Reader” debacle.  Cynthia feels the reader was way off, but hunni, NEWSFLASH…. your dinner outfit selection is WAY OFF – she looks like she just got roughed-up at a hoedown and she’s lucky to have made it out alive with her Walgreens flip-flops.

Anyhoo – They move on from that hot-topic and Cynthia announces she is planning her own hurricane Harvey relief efforts, but Kandi must decline by way of Riley duty and slipping Cynthia a $20K check.  Kenya calls via face-time and Cynthia must take it out in the parking lot, she comments on how Kenya is also looking a bit rough, as if she recently emerged from some “wifely duties”.  Kenya laughs, wishes her hubby existed, and then declines Cynthia’s request for Houston duty.

On our latest installment of “Love, Before, During, and After Lockup”, SBS is still reeling from her car accident so she’s hangin’ low at the Chateau and the only charitable activity she will be participating in will be accepting this daily call from Prison-BAE.  They exchange their perfunctory remarks and he reminds her to “feed Chunky”, which is not the family guinea pig.  Oh no dear reader, “Chunky” is Prison BAE’s pet name for her ass – he likes big butts and he cannot lie!

Like big butts

She fills him in about the disastrous “Elephants Extravaganza”, but Prison BAE warns, it would behoove Nene to tread her big butt lightly.  He’s got dirt, and we’re talking bona-fide, word on the street, scuttlebutt!  Everybody knows those li’l inmates gossip more than a sewing circle…isn’t that right Counselor Parks?  Ahhhhh – the shade is just too easy with this bunch!  But I digress… Prison BAE has known Nene long before his romance with SBS… apparently, Nene was pursuing him while she was collecting her Trump checks on the “Celebrity Apprentice”.  SBS can’t confirm or deny if Nene and Gregg were separated at that time, but don’t think the back-pain meds have this li’l bone collector slogging on her duties.  She will carefully place this into the “Bone-In Ribeye Remembrance” file.

Later, we see Kandi on Riley duty, which is practice driving in her $100,000 Mercedes jeep-type thingy.  Riley is driving like she owns the road and Kandi is doing typical-mom things, such as fearing for her life.  Sidebar:  Kandi seems to have an inordinate amount of contouring on her nose during her confessional.  Note to makeup artist – BLEND!

As soon as they arrive home, Block calls but cannot converse long.  He is at the hospital with baby-mama #8 awaiting the arrival of his new son.  Kandi puts Riley on the spot to talk with him, but she looks like she’d rather meet Bill Cosby for a drink than get on the phone with her father on camera.  Kandi commends Block for making an effort, but once they are inside the house, we hear Riley break down in tears.  Kandi continues to do some really good mom work here and askes to be de-miced right away.  Heart melting when we hear Baby Ace’s angelic voice call out “RIIILEEEEY!”  He’s no replacement for the adorable and sorely missed Ayden Parks, but viewers have to make sacrifices and Counselor Parks had to be put out to pasture.

So we are on the back-half of this hump of an episode… everyone who is going to Houston has arrived… or have they?  Cynthia, Malorie, Lauren, and Porsha are at day one of their event, decked out in their finest black spandex, passing out Ramen Noodles, and hugs-a-plenty!  Shamea decides to show up out of the blue, but everyone is hospitable and Porsha appreciates that they can put their differences aside for the moment.  Later, at their hotel, Shamea apologizes to Porsha for being insensitive about Porsha’s “condition” that restricts her ankles from flying coach.  They have a pillow fight and hug it out.

Cynthia is busy glamming up for her event and Porsha phones to state they are running late.  Cynthia tells them to take a bird bath, glue their wigs down, and get to the benefit concert so they can raise funds and wayward spirits!  Porsha won’t allow this to be a “mist” opportunity, she donates $5,000 to Cynthia’s event.  As they are all having a wonderful evening, the human hurricane Kenya shows up, to surprise Cynthia because she felt compelled to destroy the good vibes this crew has going for itself.

Kenya is hosting her own event with Habitat for Humanity and Cynthia immediately bails on Porsha, which is in violation of Article IV, Section 1 (a) (iii) of the friendship contract!  Porsha has been demoted to a Real Sidechick of ATL, Cynthia will not be attending her event the next day in lieu of going with Kenya.  Ugh… spineless Cynthia has returned.

Porsha has a successful event the next day, but they run out of food and she has a bit of a breakdown.  Several local restaurants are able to provide more and they ended up serving meals to over 2,000 people.  In a less peaceful demonstration, Kenya is at her Habitat event, cracking the whip and barking out orders like a drill sergeant who hasn’t gotten laid in 28 years.  Shamea plans to attend Kenya’s event in Porsha’s stead, but when she phones Kenya for directions, Ms. Daly gets her “thunderpants” in a bunch and cannot be bothered with such details.  She tells Shamea to find a volunteer, figure it out, less talk, more work, and then she relegates Shamea to trash duty upon arrival.

Cleanup crew

After all the volunteering is done, it’s time for a group dinner from the depths of hell.  The group settles in at a self-serve type barbecue restaurant and since HANGRY Baby Vegans can only eat the side salad, they finish before everyone else and start stirring the shit-pot for dessert!  Lauren kicks it off by expressing their disappointment with Cynthia, bailing on the Real Sidechicks.  Cynthia squashes the “who supported who” war and deflects the focus to the fact that people showed up and they were able to help.  Shamea mentions the ultimate rudeness that is every fiber of Ms. Daly, and you best believe Cynthia put a pin in that one!  Kenya shows up late and can’t order any food because the kitchen is closed, she can’t even have a cocktail because all they serve is beer and wine.  Shamea tries to address Kenya, but she isn’t even acknowledging that another human is speaking to her.  She keeps hollering out for water, again so self-unaware that this is a self-serve restaurant!  Because she is a former Miss USA, an off-camera staff person is bringing her several glasses of water, even with bendy straws!  Shamea calls out for a pitcher so that this THIRSTY BEYOTCH CAN GET HYDRATED AND PAY ATTENTION – PUH-LEAZE!

Pay Attention

Porsha tries to mediate, Cynthia chimes in and tells Kenya she came off as rude.  They are just about out of the woods with this petty argument, Shamea is giving it the “no big deal, I’m fine” treatment, when Cynthia brings it up again – “Shamea you’ve not fine, you’ve been talking about it the whole time we’ve been here!”  UGH, bitch I thought you was spineless!

Girl bye

At this point, Kenya storms out and we hear her talking to the producer in the bathroom – “I don’t give a f*ck about any of these mother*cking HOES!”  Porsha goes after her and Kenya flips off the camera, “THIS IS NOT A MOMENT”.  Oh, but it is, my feisty Pageant Queen!

Kenya angry

Funny side-note:  Shamea needs to use the facilities, and left with no alternative, she sneaks by into the men’s room!  Kenya leaves the restaurant and this time it’s Cynthia who tries to extinguish the rage of Satan’s asshole.  Kenya rolls down the window, tells her “it’s not a moment” and drives away.  Keep on drivin’ as far as I’m concerned, if you can’t do your job – guess what, we’ve got Eva Marcille coming next week!

eva-marcille-rhoa-season-10

The burning question of the hour is this – Where is Nene with her Petco choppers and Trump checks in all this messiness?!?!  Why has no one demanded a doctor’s note from SBS or a marriage license from Kenya?  Get with the program ladies – WE NEED RECEIPTS!

We receive a li’l preview treat of what is left to come this season – Eva Marcille of ANTM fame joins the cast next week.  Prison-BAE and Nene go to war.  Wigs-n-Cigs has a couple more face-off, wig-yanks.  Kenya actually introduces Marc, live in the flesh?  There is some dirt on Will that is “5150 cray-cray”, was he previously or currently dating Eva?  And all sorts of other too-fast-for-my-old-psyche footage!  See you next week, and in case I don’t tell you often enough – THANK YOU FOR READING!

Will the Real Flat Marc Please Stand Up?

Everyone is poppin’ their corks this week!  After the fight between Nene and Porsha won’t come to an end, Marlo “check my charges”, drags Nene away while covering her mouth.  Funny how the tables have turned!  A few reunions ago, Nene was covering Porsha’s mouth to keep her from poppin’ off on Kenya!  Dayum, these bitches be figtin’ for 10 seasons, it’s bound to come full circle.  Kenya, Kandi, and Cynthia leave with Nene, as the elevator doors close, Nene and her wily bun run amok shout “THE DOOR IS CAAAHHH-LOSED!”  SBS and her Atomic Blonde wig feel bad for Porsha, although she completely instigated this whole blow up.  I feel bad for SBS and her poor wiglette choices.

Porsha is on the hot mess express to a total meltdown, not to be confused with the underground railroad tepid calamity express.  She doesn’t seem to have the chops to be on this show.  Kandi gets the line of the night: “Y’all made us leave before our food came!”  Guuuuurrrrl after my own heart!  Nene can’t shut up, she is outraged with the white-hot intensity of 1,000 cinnabuns.

Everyone sleeps it off and they reconvene the next day in full hangover gear – baggy clothing, hats, and large sunglasses.  Nene is already at the bar gettin’ her drank on.  SBS hopes Nene has reinforced her bun with extra bobby pins, but she is sporting a high pony, which is essentially the leftover, undone bun.  Although Porsha may rip that pony right off her scalp as if she’s starting a lawn mower.

All aboard the trolley to hell, Kenya discusses leaving early to bury her grandmother.  Porsha gets teary eyed and excuses herself, Cynthia heads to the back of the trolley to be sure she is all right and relays her own story of being put through the emotional threshing machine that is Nene Leakes.

Porsha trolley

They jump off at Fisherman’s Wharf and take a photo in front of Alcatraz, which is a perfect segue for the ladies to gossip about SBS’ love interest Tyrone.  Nene knows him from “way back” and he is a known con-artist who stole $4 million from his company.  Kandi expresses concern about Chateau Shereé around the likes of such a cunning man-friend, and Kenya can’t resist a dig, “well it’s not in her name, so…”  Chateau Thelma is SAFE!  Meanwhile, SBS, Marlo, and Porsha meandered down to Chinatown, where you get off the trolley and it feels like Tokyo!  How did you get there Porsha?  Underground railroad, wrong continent!  While in Chinatown, they ponder the vegan-ness of fortune cookies and decide to purchase some cheap props to throw a mock wedding for Kenya for the purpose of passive-aggressively cheering her up before sending her off to her grandmother’s funeral.

Later at the hotel, Marlo has reserved a conference room in the business center to stage the mock wedding, complete with a carboard cut out with a question Marc on the face.  Yes, ladies and gents… it’s “Flat Marc”.  There is some concern about how Kenya will respond, but Kandi reminds us that Kenya did throw a tasteless divorce party on the last Bravo mandated getaway to the depths of hell-fire.  Porsha has recruited a bunch of men in spandex to serve as mock-guests, and they are equipped with fake doves to fling at the bride.  The stand-in groomsman is wearing a “Henny” shirt, gold lame sneakers, and his best DERP face.  In case you missed it:

ceremony

Surprisingly, Kenya takes it like a champ, but leave Porsha to drop Flat Marc on the floor during the ceremony.  YOU HAD ONE JOB!  After the joke is over, Porsha pulls Kandi aside to apologize again, but bitch ain’t havin’ it, nor should she.

Flat Marc

The final day of the trip, SBS decides that a four-hour commute to Napa is in order.  JESUS.  TAKE.  THE.  WHEEL.  AND.  WHATEVER.  MECHANISM.  WITH.  WHICH.  A.  TRAIN. IS.  DRIVEN.  On the hot mess express, Porsha gets waylaid in the bathroom because she had to bust a deuce.  She gets stuck with the last seat in the train car, directly across from her two arch-enemies, Kenya and Kandi.  Porsha orders a vegan meal and Kandi and Kenya give her about another week before she’s tearin’ into some chicken wangs like a savage wildebeest.  Kandi agrees that Porsha can benefit from any type of diet and says out loud “You was gettin’ a li’l chunky”.  HOLD UP – I suppose we can let that one slide, Kandi, ‘cuz you was pregnant for 18 months [oh wait, that was Phaedra], but c’mon guuurrrrl.  Who here can’t miss a meal?!  Who has Domino’s on speed dial?  Anyhoo – Kenya starts going on about how her husband likes her smaller, toned smaller, hates makeup, he loves strong, successful women, but she can’t be an alpha woman at home.  Welp – I give Porsha’s vegan diet better odds than this marriage.  Does Flat Marc realize whom he has married?  At the other table, SBS discusses Tyrone, Nene asks if “he gonna come by trickin’ stocks”, but SBS assures us all, he is in da’ joint for wire and securities fraud only.

The train is finally at the station, and they roll up to the Raymond vineyard.  The host, Jean-Charles, hands Porsha the Sabre to cut the neck of the Champagne bottle.  Ummm… Jean-Charles, maybe you didn’t receive a copy of the itinerary, but this woman should not be handed sharp objects.  Surprisingly, Porsha sabres the champagne bottle on the first try.  Kenya decides to point out the single ladies so that JC can focus his flirting on them.  He feeds the single ladies bunches of grapes, Porsha and Cynthia daintily take a grape, but Marlo “check my charges”, hoovers it down like she’s Monica Lewinsky.  SBS makes an astute observation, now we know how Marlo affords all her designer clothes and fancy cars.  Jean-Charles announces that he’s married and has two daughters.  Porsha’s whole demeanor shifts, “c’mon with the tour, chile!”

grapes - marlo

They take their shoes off to smash the grapes in tubs and Porsha wigs out because she arrives at the startling realization that she has been swilling down “feet juice” all this time.  Nene declines the grape smushing, citing the most amazeballs excuse I’ve ever heard, “I don’t want to get my big toe wet”.  I’m filing that one in my rolodex of excuses not to do something!

After Kenya leaves the group, the ladies head out to a special dinner at the vineyard.  Jean-Charles serves them a wine they make with John Legend, Nene immediately tweets “who do I have to blow for a case of John Legend’s wine!?!?”  Haha, where is Wigs-n-Cigs when you need her?

SBS toasts to Kandi’s recent Essence magazine cover, Kandi reveals that she and Todd did a drive-by of Flat Marc’s restaurant while in NYC, but they did not go inside.  Perfect segue for the ladies to question the existence of Flat Marc and Marlo takes a quick show of hands on who thinks the marriage is real.  Cynthia ain’t havin’ it and she walks out, Nene follows her out to diminish her feelings and basically tell her there’s no reason to be upset.  So… I guess poppin’ off in a rage-fueled, bun-unraveling, outburst is better?  Cynthia understands the marriage situation isn’t normal, but she’s trying to respect Kenya’s process with it, pursuant to section VIII, 15.8 (d) of the Friendship Contract.  Cynthia returns to the table and finally admits that she is hurt that Kenya didn’t invite her to the wedding and that she still hasn’t met the real Flat Marc.

Slim shady

Next week:  Cynthia confronts Kenya about Marc, Porsha starts dating and may go for some white meat, and Kandi confronts Cynthia’s boyfriend Will about appearing on the Steve Harvey show for dating.