Defensive Driving

Hey y’all – this week RHATL is one of those episodes that I kinda despise.  Choppy scene editing, smoothie drankin’ and snackin’, some most heinous wardrobe malfunctions, and more she said/she said bullshit.  Let’s get into it, shall we?

Mama Joyce visits with Kandi and gets the latest rundown – the roach motel video, Porsha leaving Barcelona over the door mat… all the while Baby Ace is giving Mama Joyce some serious side-eye!  I’m tryna learn my farm animals here… GRANDMAW!  Mama finally admits to Kandi that she had a sit-down with Porsha, Kandi is a bit perturbed.  All Kandi wants is for Porsha to admit she pulled these random lies out of her chunky booty in the sole interest of going after her.

Meanwhile, across town, Porsha and Lauren sit down for a smoothie and some chicken nuggets.  Porsha believes her “heart to heart” with Nene was effective and the hatchet has been buried in Barcelona.  Sure it has, until Nene comes at you with both barrels at the reunion.

In other sit-down news, SBS holds a gossip sesh with Wigs-n-Cigs.  Wigs actually drove herself in her rent-a-royce.  Sidebar:  SBS is wearing some very ill-fitting jeans.  Is this camel toe-nail?

Camel Toe Nail

Anyhoo – welcome to yet another installment of Wigs’ bullshit.  SBS has Wigs’ red solo cup chillin’, not to be outdone – SBS pours herself a black solo cup.  Wigs revisits roach-gate, claims that Nene’s son Brentt was the one who invited Brielle to come over.  Nene is pulling the race card and Wigs spent $20K to send her a “sis and deceased” or a “cyst and diseased” letter.  We flash back on this history of the Wigs/Nene race war, SBS is riding hard for Wigs and agrees that Nene has crossed the line.  Good Lord, I can hardly concentrate, Wigs implants look like they are about to bust open and splatter gelatinous saline all over SBS Wal-Mart sweatshirt.  I swear, these things are held together with band-aids and marshmallows!  Deep thoughts with Wigs-n-Boobs:

Wigs Boobs Bustin

Nene and Gregg are all matchy matchy in blue chiffon and sit down to discuss Nene’s latest social media embroilment with Brielle on Twatter.  Brielle blasted Ms. Leakes, and let’s just talk about Nene’s response for a minute, shall we?  “We don’t have roaches!  If you found 1, u brought it with u or it fell outta yo funky pussy! … #racisttrah” – and I’m paraphrasing!  [Insert sound of needle being scratched off of record here].  EGADS, NENE!  Show some fuckin’ restraint!  I’m not sure that insult about Brielle’s lady parts is commensurate with the roach motel video.

Egads

50-Cynt and her Urkel glasses are serving as Will’s personal Uber and she’s driving him to the airport.  She talks to Marlo while driving and they discuss the fact that Nene crashed and burned for a bad joke she told during her standup routine.  The Xscape tour has officially given Nene the hook, exit stage left please!  Arriving at her destination, she actually gets out of the car to help Will with his luggage… say wha’??  She greets him with an awkward kiss to the cheek.  Will, for the sake of my sanity, you have officially been “friend zoned”.  The Bravo intern will conduct your exit interview next week.

SBS and Kandi meet for a smoothie, Kandi fills her in on the tour drama.  Apparently – Nene had a heckler who said “go kill yourself”.  Naturally, Nene’s response was “I hope you get raped by an Uber driver.”

wha-wha-wha

There was so much heat on social media, Kandi had to drop Nene from the tour, but only due to pressure from the producers, Kandi didn’t think it was a big deal.  SBS’ weave is spinning, she can’t believe Kandi is taking this so lightly when she is STILL mad at Porsha for saying Kandi tried to rape her.  This one is going in SBS’ sack o’ bones for the reunion.

Nene puts out some chips, salsa, and cupcakes for 50-Cynt and Marlo.  We see Gregg stick his finger in the frosting, which is kinda gross.  We don’t know where that finger has been.  50-Cynt starts out the pep-talk, apparently Nene had an Instagram meltdown and apologized for the bad joke.  They also discuss the “sis and deceased” or “cyst and diseased” letter from Wigs, Marlo says they should go to Judge Judy, don’t even take it to “real court”.  Now I take umbrage with that – Judge Judy is as real as they come and she would shut down Wigs and Nene like an illegal daycare center!

you-are-stupid-trash-case-dismissed

Nene explains the issue with the Uber joke, which originated with 50-Cynt.  Okay, this was your first red flag that this was fraught with peril.  50-Cynt is a beauty, but her sense of humor is cornier than Gregg’s feet.  I’m not sure how this joke was supposed to be funny, but Nene wasn’t aware that the audience at the show was chock full o’ Uber employees.  50-Cynt and Marlo advise her to be more careful about what she says, they offer their support, and promise Nene that this will blow over in a week.  Which is true, because it’s really only a matter of about three days before one of these other dreadful bitches does something offensive.

Now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, Kandi and Wigs meet for fish tacos.  Kandi is at the restaurant at 12:57 p.m. and Kroy drops off Wigs at 2:28 p.m.  KROY – YOU HAD ONE JOB, DRIVE YOUR INFLATED WIFE AROUND.  JEZZUZ!  Knowing how hangry Kandi can get, I’m shocked she wasn’t elbow deep in an appetizer.  Wigs claims there was a huge car wreck, but she had her wine in the car, and she’s ready to rumble… already on 10!

Wigs heard from SBS that Kandi had an issue with Kroy driving her everywhere.  Kandi explains it’s not about Kroy being her Uber driver, but it’s about “being present” instead of always having a quick out of every Bravo mandated social situation.  Wigs is being her usual skid mark on the underpants of society and she plays the “jealousy” card, which is comical.  Wigs – get ahold of yourself, no one is jealous of your 12 kids and botched face.  Wigs demands an example, Kandi refers back to the Elephant Room when Wigs was on the phone calling Kroy for a pizza delivery.  Wigs says “when the fuck did I call my husband during the Elephant Room?”  Kandi fires back, “Bitch who the fuck you cussin’ at?  If you gettin’ irritated, do what the fuck you normally do and take yo’ ass on and get in that car.”  Kandi’s voice is rattling, which means she’s about to go full-blown HAM on Wigs’ silicone ass.  Where is the Bravo intern?  Hold her earrings, she’s goin’ in!  Wigs is actually taken aback and she changes the subject to Baby Ace, which makes Kandi smile and they agree to have a civilized convo.  Kim smiles and her upper lip is so puffed up from injections that it flips up and creases, it looks like she’s sticking her tongue out.  Wigs is sooo busy these days, claims Kroy is doing NFL stuff… “broadcasting” – umm, hunni… manning the security cameras in your home isn’t broadcasting.

Wigs lips

Wigs asks Kandi about Nene’s comment and takes the opportunity to say for the 118th time that she thinks Nene is on drugs.  Kandi explains how the roach comments were really hurtful to Nene, but Wigs is the only all-white, never forget, bat-shit crazy, card-carrying, member of this group.  So, she needs to mind her motherf*ckin’ P’s & Q’s red Solo cups!

Next week, Porsha wipes out on roller skates, Prison BAE talks marriage, and Question Marc makes a personal appearance.

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Reading of the Will

Hey everybody… I don’t want to spend a ton of time on the first 45 of this episode because, yet again, the last 15 are the only minutes worth our time.  I don’t know about you, but I am feeling a little unfulfilled by the dramaticus-interrupus this week.  And to top it off, we have to wait two weeks for the continuation of the dreaded “to be continued” because there’s something going on next Sunday night, I think it’s the “Pepsico Fiesta Hoe Down Bowl”, or something like that.  The entire episode is merely prep-work for the explosive “Reading of the Will”, and no dear readers, Mama Joyce has not kicked the bucket.

We start out with Porsha, hosting Wigs-n-Cigs for a professionally prepared baby vegan meal.  Wigs has been vegetarian her whole life, and you know what else she’s done her whole life?  Made her men chauffer her around like second rate Uber drivers.  Yes, Kroy is waiting in the Suburban, AGAIN!  Wigs runs out for a red SOLO cup refill and at least has the decency to bring him a tofurky dog with extra relish.  Porsha gives Wigs the low down about how evil Kenya re-appeared from the depths of Satan’s asshole during the Houston trip.  Wigs chalks it up to being exhausted, winded, and bereft from carrying on the charade of fake marriage.  While this is all going down, the paid professional vegan chef is chuckling to herself as she sneezes into their tofu-surprise.

Wigs cooking

Kandi is prepping for an “Essence Magazine, This is What Winning Looks Like, So Suck an Eggplant Porsha” extravaganza.  Kandi has Don Juan on staff and Carmon on contract, because good, bitchy help is hard to find.  Don Juan didn’t invite Porsha, but Kandi insists, she is performing a public service really.  Porsha needs a substantial example of success.  The Kandi Koated Klique is afraid it will send the wrong message and Porsha will think they are BFF status again, but no… complicated is the order of the day, and Kandi insists on the non-passive-aggressive gesture.

50-Cint and her assistant (Hold up…I didn’t even know she had or needed an assistant), are toiling away at Lake Bailey making sushi.  Mr. Where there’s a Will, there’s a shady way, is making his maiden voyage to Lake Bailey and 50-Cint wants to impress.  After Will arrives, they attempt to finish making the sushi, but bail out and opt for the gas station container of California Rolls that 50-Cint has stashed in the fridge.  50-Cint broaches the “are we dating or seeing other people” convo, and Will waves all the red flags.  He tells her he’s not dating anyone else and he wants to settle down and have a family, but if that’s what he wants at age 37, why the hell is he involved with 50-Cint?  Oh, sorry, I’m not a man… a little slow on the uptake.  Just answered my own question – he wants to take a spin in her mahogany canoe.  Sorry Will, the lake is a bit choppy today!

Nene is back this week to give us our newest, delightful cast-mate.  Eva Marcille is a former ANTM winner, she knows Nene from LA (several years, hunni), she has a three-year-old daughter, and she’s dating Michael Sterling, who happens to be running for Mayor of the ATL.

Eva intro

Across town, Kenya takes her cousin Che along to purchase some fitness equipment in an attempt to get Question Marc to spend some time at Moore Manor.  They cop a squat on a couple of rowing machines and Kenya talks about how Marc is such an “alpha-male” (translation = controlling creepo you see on those Discovery ID re-enactments).  Kenya’s had to fall back a bit and give in to Marc’s wishes – a stick shift car, making sure she has “washing powder” for the clothes, laying out his socks and underwear for the next day, and cooking frozen Trader Joe’s pasta meals in a pan to pass them off as home-cooked.  It’s a lotta work y’all!  By this time the salesman returns with his price for the weight equipment, only $6,915 and delivery by tomorrow!  She hands him Question Marc’s AMEX card, CHA-CHING!

It’s the night of the Essence Magazine Reveal Party – Don Juan is in full-force security mode – as Porsha walks in, he speaks into the walkie talkie “WARNING — WARNING – The Underground Railroad train has arrived, all armed men in the vicinity report to the station!  SECURE THE PERIMETER!  DUCK AND COVER!”

Meanwhile, Nene and Eva are en route to the party (with Gregg as their Uber driver for the night).  Eva reveals that she met Will and his girlfriend about two months ago.  A woman who is very good with Will’s daughter, and who is incidentally… not 50-Cint!  Concurrently, at the party, we see Will tell 50-Cint that he’s been single for 2 ½ years.  Ooooh, somethin’ in the buttermilk ain’t clean, but are we really surprised this dude is sketch as f*ck?

The rest of the gang is trickling in and Papa Smurf even makes an appearance.  If there was ever a time Papa should intervene and ruin 50-Cint’s life, it’s NOW!  RELEASE THE HOUNDS, PAPA!  But naw… Peter is just making an appearance to congratulate Kandi, smoke a stogie with Todd, and slam down a few free cocktails.

Don Juan starts the stage show, Wigs is holding her red SOLO cup with her teeth so she can applaud.  At what point will that cup go out of style or just disintegrate from the levels of rubbing alcohol it contains?  Todd takes the mic and makes a really awkward speech about how his wife is so wonderful, she even invited the undesirables.  Not the way to “fly above”, homie!  Don Juan announces that Kandi just booked a part in “Chicago” on Broadway, Kandi gives her thanks and she becomes emotional.

Now for the good shit, Nene tells Kandi about Will, Carmon chimes in that she has also heard on the “street” that he “has a lady”.  Eva confirms she met said “lady” a few days before Will’s relationship with 50-Cint went public.  The heathens decide that someone should tell 50-Cint privately and not in a group setting.  Kenya takes lead on this project and Nene is reeling a bit, as in – “nuh-uh, no way is she handing off this BIG SALAD and taking credit for it!”

Big Salad 2

Kenya pulls 50-Cint aside and the minions are 2.3 seconds behind her.  50-Cint takes the news well, “I completely receive this and assume it’s coming out of love and concern for me.”  Will sidles up to 50-Cint and senses she’s upset, Kenya pulls him aside and tells him what’s up.  SHOCKINGLY, he denies everything.  50-Cint turns to him, she understands they aren’t exclusive, but she isn’t going to date a man with a girlfriend.  Sorry Will, you’re a grade-A sketchball and she’s… well she’s 50-CINT!

Will is pissed that he’s being ambushed and wants to get it all out on the table, so he calls Eva into the conversation.  As she saunters up, “well, this is quite messy!” he becomes angry and defensive.  Eva waves her acrylic fingernail of justice, pulling out her cell phone “HOLD UP, because what we’re not gonna do…”  Homegirl doesn’t play, she came prepared, with receipts.  NOT TODAY PLAYA!  NOT TODAY!

Eva - Will

As this installment of “Will and no Grace” draws to a close – he contends he met Eva seven months ago, there was no girlfriend, and clearly, he is lying.  His timeline is about as accurate as the human female gestation period according to Phaedra.  Then he says something so ludicrous, I had to run TiVo back twice and still couldn’t quite translate his playa speak… “Everything was perfect until this came along and I think that hurt me because of the perfect gentleman I was to her. Thank you, because you showed me that I have to be more better at other things.”  Back away from the psychopath slowly, I implore you, ladies.

Will - Eva - Cint

Will decides to cut and run, but not without asking Gregg if he can hit the open bar first, as if he’s the keeper of the Gin.  SBS and Wigs-n-Cigs realize the real tea party is going on outside and head over to get the dirt.  50-Cint is so over this, Louboutin’s in hand, what a  waste of an outfit and a wig.

50-Cint

Porsha asks 50-Cint if she’s okay, she explains everything and says she’s too old for this shit.  50-Cint wants to know any intel, that anyone has, at any time, regarding any man she dates.  With this revelation, Porsha’s Scooby Doo ears perk up – “well since you asked….”, and this is where we are left with 50-Cint tearing up and the dreaded “TO BE CONTINUED”.

 

Next time – Mama Joyce requests a sit-down with her Wal-Mart Death Wedgie and Porsha, Marlo is planning a trip and invites Wigs.

Flirting with Disaster

What better way to kick off this week than to shop for some overpriced doors.  Yes, SBS… this means you!  What in the name of all that is good and decent are you doing spending $8,750 on one door?!?!  Which I might add, doesn’t even include a fabulous knob.  $8,750 could buy some nice commissary provisions for those prison visits, maybe even rent an hourly conjugal trailer.  If SBS wasn’t droppin’ so much coin, I am willing to bet an $8,000 door that the shopkeeper would not have stood their patiently while SBS and Porsha discussed the latest innovation in weave adhesives.  The ladies saunter off into the chandelier nook to re-hash the San Francisco treat trip and Porsha has found a juicy nugget on the internet, so you know it must be true.  Yes, dear reader, Radar Online has reported that SBS is married to her cuddly convict Tyrone.

Meanwhile, Lake Bailey is hosting Kandi and Kenya.  I love how Kandi gives Cynthia’s “cross wall” the side-eye.  The three take seats in the zen den to get down to it.  Cynthia starts with the obligatory “how are you, how was the funeral?” pursuant to section IX, 17(f) of the friendship contract.  After that’s out of the way, she zeros in with laser sharp focus to ask the hard-hitting question, are we ever gonna meet the real Marc?

Cynthia wants receipts

Kenya does the backpedal, twirl, and side-step, but eventually promises Cynthia she will produce receipts.  Speaking of questionable nuptials, Kandi flashes the jailhouse photos of SBS posing in a “wifey” tee-shirt with Tyrone, as if there weren’t enough ambiguous wedding storylines this season.  Somethin’ in the buttermilk ain’t clean.

SBS Wifey

(Photo Credit:  Straight From The A)

Porsha is on a mission to get her groove back.  How many back-alley matchmakers sporting Target knit wrap-dresses does it take to set up this twerkin’ travesty – two, yeah, it takes two baby!  Porsha drills down to what she is looking for – a man who wants a family and she is down with the swirl.  To which matchmaker #2 deadpans, “oh neat.”  The matchmakers demand a tour of the McMans in order to gain insight to what makes Porsha tick.  I can tell you right now what makes this bitch tick, a couple of field mice and some AA batteries.  The wheel may be turnin’, but the hamster is dead.  Porsha reveals two spare bedrooms for a boy and a girl and a playset in the back yard, which came with the house.  She figured she would keep it all intact for the future mini-Porsha’s, not at all creepy.  The matchmakers tell her straight up that the McMans décor will scare off the men and “make their wiener go down”.  I think the first sight of the wall o’ wiglettes in the boy’s nursery will do that on its own.

Porsha heads off for her first blind date with Patrick.  The matchmaker tells her that he’s wearing a grey jacket and jeans and this is already a fashion strike against him.  Guuuurl… she put on her best Spanx for this, he can at least put on a pair of black trousers!  In probably the funniest scene of the night, Porsha walks in to the restaurant and as soon as she sees his bald, shiny head, she does a 180 on her stiletto.  And I know what she’s thinking, if I turn fast enough, he won’t even know it was me and I can beat feet back to the McMans and be in my jammies and up to my elbow in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s by 8:30.  The Bravo Intern hiding under the hostess Pottery Barn podium springs to action and gives her a li’l pep-talk.  As in, this week’s paycheck is contingent on you enduring this unsettling blind date.  Porsha walks over to meet him, sits down, complains that it’s too hot in the restaurant, and chugs a glass of water.  In what world is this man her type?  Clearly, the matchmakers the Bravo Intern found in the yellow pages are unqualified.  Porsha deftly sets up her trap-door and as he flashes his Bugs Bunny teeth, she pulls the ripcord.  My “mom” is “staying with me” and she can’t be alone for more than 30 minutes.  Sake bombs for everyone!  What a waste of an outfit and a wig.

Porsha Dud

In Kandi news, Baby Ace is learning to swim and Kandi is trying to spend more quality time with Riley.  They go indoor skydiving and we learn that Kandi is working too much, she’s never around, and never follows through.  #GOALS!  Hey Riley, get your shit together, you little ingrate!  At least your mom is TRYING to spend time with you and all her bizznizzez will benefit you if you’re sensible.  Now go dip some chicken fingers into some honey mustard with your mama!

Cynthia stops by to see Papa Smurf in a dusty, empty lot, which is the future location of “Bar Two” in ATL.  She owns 25% of this ill-fated bidness venture, but that’s the least of her problems since she utters “Uncle Ben looks steamy enough to boil a hot pot o’ rice”.  Umm… EW!  Apparently, Bar None and Sports Done are doing well, so now Papa Smurf thinks he can take ATL.  Papa Smurf is drooling over her, undressing her with his beedy eyes, all the while she entertains his greezy innuendos.  She hints at having more percentage of ownership and is prepared for a lifetime of sickening interaction with this man if she is to recoup her losses.  Hey, somebody gotta pay da’ rent at the Bailey Agency for Wayward Models.

Later, Cynthia heads out for a sizeable boat double date with Will and Kandi and Todd.  Kandi has already Googled, deployed her OLG word-on-the-street-team, and is prepared to grill Will like a Bubba Burger.  Props to Kandi for lookin’ out for her girl… ATL has a lotta folk who fake it ‘til they makes it!  Todd keeps bringing up Peter, because apparently, he’s not fully over the divorce yet.  As if it wasn’t awkward enough in the confines of the stern of the boat, Kandi brings up the fact that Will has appeared on a Steve Harvey Show episode about dating and a reality dating show.  Will has defenses prepared, the Steve Harvey thing was a year ago and he declined the reality dating show.  We are reminded via montage of how everyone attacked Todd’s motives when he latched on to Kandi’s teet, so I guess it’s only fair.

Mama Joyce on yer ass

Kandi and Cynthia head up to the bow of the boat for some explicitly detailed girl talk.  Cynthia reveals that she and Will haven’t gotten jiggy with it yet and she fears that the sexual tension is so hot, that it’s built up too much, and it might not be good.  Kandi advises her to “check out the thickness of his hands” and that should calm her nerves and quell any misgivings.  Someone has poured Cynthia way too much champagne, or she is a really rusty dater… she proceeds to tell Will everything she and Kandi discussed.  Real smooth… 50-Cyn!

SBS finally has the sit down with her children about the domestic violence she endured while married to Bob.  At first, it’s CRICKETS.  The girls talk a bit more, they love their mom dearly and think she’s super woman, then they hug it out.  Jack Daniels arrives and gives her a gold star for completing her homework assignment.  Her cellphone rings and PRISON-BAE pops up on the display, “um, yeah, life coach… I’m gonna need to take this”.  She makes Jack wait while she talks to Tyrone, we learn that SBS and Tyrone dated several years ago, but he ghosted because he didn’t want to embroil her in his legal predicaments.  Wow, now that’s love.  Jack asks her about the call and she reveals that Tyrone is her boyfriend and, oh were does he live?  He’s in a big house, a lovely joint, Greybar Knolls Estates, a great corner lot, yard view, personal chef, home gym, state of the art security system, and all utilities and cable included!  Let’s toast, shall we, CLINK!  Jack Daniels takes a moment to process this and shake his head in haughty derision.  He cautions her about being in a fantasy land with prison-bae, it may not be all puppies and bacon after the delousing powder settles.  SBS has no fears or doubts, PRISON-BAE is her DESTI-NAE!  With good behavior, they riding down a rainbow on a unicorn in one to four years!

Next week – Kenya and SBS teaming up for the domestic violence coalition, Porsha flirts with a workplace romance, and an OLG uprising.

Confrontation Station

What better way to start the new year than to go see a man about rejuvenating your aging breasteses?  Cynthia heads over to “Dr. Curves”, because that’s the name of a plastic surgeon I would entrust with my life.  Anyhoo… she can’t possibly have this man superficially evaluate her breasts without her loving cast-mates in tow.  They arrive one by one and Kandi is a bit irked because she didn’t anticipate having to see Phaedra fresh off their ill-fated dispute over the inappropriateness of Mama Joyce repeating 50 times that Drama wanted to “blow Phaedra the f*ck up!”

Enter Counselor Parks, the consummate professional.  She keeps it cute and cordial, greeting her mortal enemy is if everything is copacetic.  The ENTIRE GANG wedges themselves into the exam room to witness Cynthia’s consultation, Dr. Jimerson enters and I’m a bit shocked that Kenya didn’t ask him for his personal cell phone number and a house call.  Cynthia challenges the Doc to guess who is fake vs. natural and he pegs Porsha and Kenya as fake, but Kenya insists she is natural and offers the Doc a feel and slips him her Twitter handle.  Cynthia drops her top and Phaedra is alarmingly excited, screaming TITTIES and trying to squeeze them.

kenya-grabbing-boobs

Kandi cops a feel and thinks they are quite nice, as is.  The doc locates a bit of hardening, but for now she has plenty of mileage on the ol’ bags.  Seeing as how she has now mortgaged her soul for the new lake house, Cynthia prudently defers boob maintenance for a few more years.

cynthia-disrobe

Later we learn that Cynthia sold her town home for $655,000 and the lake home is official.  She shows her mom and Mal around and as they sit, gazing out onto the murky lake, Cynthia reflects on the fact that it would have been her 6th wedding anniversary.  They pop some champagne to drink Peter off their minds, however Noelle is missing her Papa Smurf.  Later she meets with her former step-dad to participate in some Hot Yoga.  Peter walks in and tells the instructor he has never done Hot Yoga before, to which the instructor replies “ahhh, fresh meat!”  Actually, he is old meat…old gassy meat.  They do yoga for 90 minutes, all the while Papa Smurf is sweating like a farm animal and ripping some nasty hot, wet farts.  As they walk out, Noelle confides in Peter that she was upset that no one took her feelings into consideration about this whole divorce thingie.  Peter was trying to respect Cynthia’s space, but will make an effort to keep in touch.  They begin to tear up from the methane gas leaking from Peter’s ass and they hot hug it out.

Across town, SBS meets with her interior designer, who shows her a $12,000 bed and a $4,000 chaise, as he uses a sample fabric swatch to wipe the sweat from his brow.  SBS watches him do this and looks at him like “oh no you di’int!”  As she reels from sticker shock and refuses to go back to IKEA, she starts talking baseboards and trim and is ready to throw her housewarming bash, sans dust and tittie sweat.

no-he-didnt

Kandi and Mama Joyce go shopping for diamond earrings for Riley’s 14th birthday and settle on a pair for $3,500, wow.  When I was 14, I was lucky to get a pair of Calvin Klein jeans, back when they cost $50 a pair!  Okay, showing my age…but I digress…Kandi tells Mama about the discussion with Phaedra, but Mama thinks Kandi has been to nice and someone should blow Phaedra the f*ck up.  Later, Riley has an underwhelming reaction to the diamonds, but she is all in on the cake from the A&P and they all eat it right out of the container.  She reveals that Block has called and wants to see her soon.  Kandi thinks she should go alone, but Riley wants her mom to tag along.  Mama Joyce flashes her crocodile grin and offers to go with Riley, now there’s an episode…Mama and Block face off.

kandi-mama-gossip

Phaedra and Shamea decide to insert “yoni eggs” into their vaginas because Porsha wants her vaginal walls “to look like Sheree’s hamstrings, ready to pounce!”  They insert, Porsha narrowly escapes damage to her taint, then they start “exercising”.  Shamea keeps groaning about how “amaaaaaazing” it feels and at one point, we see Shamea performing downward dog in her mini-skirt with the string hanging out from between her legs.  The Bravo intern who failed to cue up the black modesty box should be fired, ASAP.  This.  Has.  Gone.  Too.  Far.  SBS arrives late to the party and wisely claims it’s “that time of the month”, so she cannot partake, besides her lady parts are as tight as her top-knot!   After all the flexing of the vaginal walls, Shamea and Porsha start talking about doing this again, but they should invite Kandi and Phaedra because they are both perverse freaks who love to insert foreign objects into their vaginas.  SBS may be on the rag, but she is always up for stirring the pot.  Her official role this season is to repeat all the damning things she hears, float them out there, and then sit back and watch the shit show.  SBS brings up the rumor about Phaedra cheating on Apollo before he chased her with the power drill, flipped out over a Home Depot bucket of hinges, and then went to jail.  Shamea decides to jump into the cesspool and claims that Phaedra at one time went after her own huzzzband.

yoni-eggs

Later, Porsha and SBS invite Phaedra for the lunch of death to inform her of the rumor Kandi is allegedly floatin’ on da’ streets of the ATL.  Phaedra is sick of Kandi and her “homemade thug employees”.  Then, in a masterstroke of bitchery, Phaedra pantomimes the international hand signal for sexual intercourse and states that Kandi and Shamea are sleeping together, and sometimes they throw li’l Todd into the mix.  SBS calls her a “motherf*ckin’ liar”, but Porsha jumps on this train like the hot mess underground railroad express.  Phaedra gets so excited that her bestie is on board for some good ol’ fashioned slander, that she almost chokes on the lemon seed stuck to her lip gloss.

Naturally, Porsha and her hench-woman SBS confront Kandi about the malicious rumors she has spread about Phaedra.  Kandi goes ballistic on Porsha because she participated in the rumors and knows that Porsha in fact, took the photo of Phaedra that was texted to the mysterious “Chocolate”.  Porsha is weaving a mess as tangled as SBS’s statement necklace.  Kandi is so upset, she must forego tacos, and lawwwwd knows she doesn’t like to miss a meal.  She grabs her bottled water and bolts.

porsha-confront-kandi

Next week, someone is facing a lawsuit and another visit from Maniacal Matt!

Bombs Away

Phaedra is preparing to head to the DNC and work with Congresswoman Wilson and her sparkly hats to bring attention to the ongoing issue of police brutality.  Phaedra cannot be without her sidekick, so she invites Porsha to tag along.  Porsha twirls around in her day gown, “I’m always down to fight the power!”  Counselor Parks also plans to kill another bird while on the road and plans to swing by the clink and hopefully get Apollo to sign off on those pesky li’l divorce papers.

Across town, Kenya and Cynthia visit a bakery to learn how to decorate cakes, Kenya creates a Gucci themed cake for Matt since he lost is Gucci belt, or some ridiculous shit like that.  Cynthia is giving us Black Panther Rally realness with her wild hair, and one cannot help but wonder why they would not be required to wear hair nets around all of this frosting!  Speaking of appearances, I cannot figure out Kenya’s outfit, her top is a hideous print with Rolling Stone lips and ladybugs.  Anyhoo, as Kenya forms a replica of Matt’s most prized body part out of green fondant, she announces to her BFF Cynthia that she is having an ATV outing to celebrate Matt’s birthday – SUCCESSFUL COUPLES ONLY!  As the frosting tool twirls in Cynthia’s backside, she blows it off assuming her invitation was lost in the mail.  To add insult to injury, Kenya decides this is the moment to phone Kandi and Lena to bring their significant others to the birthday party.

Cynthia big hair, don’t care, has her own fish to fry, which she will be fishing for in her new lake house!  One condition of her divorce is to sell the house, so she takes Noelle to make an offer on the first new home they find.  It has 16-bedrooms and it’s on a lake, way to downsize and economize Cynthia!  She later phones Kenya to share the news, only to find out that Kenya had posted a Throwback Thursday photo on her Instagram, which pictured her in a car with Jay-Z.  Matt flew into a jealous rage and hulked out by punching holes in the un-done Moore Manor.  Good thing she hadn’t installed that trim yet!

She by Shereé – SIDEBAR:  from here on out, we will abbreviate her name to SBS because I am too lazy to keep typing out She by Shereé – has her own issues to deal with.  She sits down with her son, Kairo, to discuss his recent DUI and she opens a rather stale can o’ whoop ass on him.  She emphasizes the need for him to be careful and he will always have to be better and try harder due to the color of his skin.  SBS does her best as concerned, caring mother, but she takes Kairo to see Bob, so he can be the bad guy and ride Kairo like a Shetland show pony.  However, unbeknownst to SBS, Bob is a medical card-carrying marijuana smoker and speaks to the benefits of pot.  SBS gives him the “you are so stupid you make me squint” look.  Once again, Bob is sweating like a farm animal.  Seriously dude, you should check into that.  SBS is praying Kairo didn’t score from his father, but Bob turns the convo around and scolds him for smoking pot recreationally and he needs to let the dutchie pass.  Kairo gives his best dead in the eyes apology and promises to “make better decisions”.

sheree-squint

Kandi and Todd are still working on OLG restaurant and are three months behind.  They call in their resident expert, Papa Smurf, for advice.  He tells them they are insane for getting into the bidness and then he and Todd step outside to bro-out.  Peter advises him on the proper placement of any security cameras to avoid being caught groping patrons.  Peter yammers on about working with Cynthia being the cause of divorce, blah, blah, blah…but face it, we all know the truth.  She finally got wise and dumped your dumb ass because you squandered her modeling fortune and then you were caught on video sliding your grubby paws all over a waitress.  Bar One and DONE – DUBMASS!

Later, Todd heads home after working so many hours at the restaurant that he hasn’t washed his balls in three days.  Okay, why did we need to know that and, ummm EWW!  As if that wasn’t alarming enough, Mama Joyce shows up and offers to watch Baby Ace, FREE OF CHARGE!  She has suspicions that Kandi is “rusty as a drain pipe”, so she has set up some Bedroom Kandi in the guest house to allow Kandi and Todd to have some “alone time”.  Now dear reader, you are probably thinking how revolting it would be to have your own mother set up “sexy time” for you, laying out your own sex toy products and lube to be used with your husband, whose balls smell like the dumpster at a back-alley Mexican restaurant… but oh no, that is not the end of this escapade!  Kandi can’t just get nekkid, she decides to head back over to the main house, slip into something more comfortable, and then she runs into Mama while trotting back over to the guest house in her lingerie and heels.  This is just wrong on so many levels.  Pardon me while I go power wash my eyeballs.

kandi-massage

It’s the big day of the ATV outing, but Matt has fled to California because he couldn’t handle the sight of his current girlfriend in a car with Jay-Z from 40 years ago.  SIDEBAR:  This does shed some light onto why Kenya continually thinks she is Beyoncé.  Lena decides to take a knee because she is “under the weather” and Kenya rides with RL with Todd and Kandi behind.  Todd takes off like a maniac, hoping he doesn’t pull a RHOC and roll the dayum thing!  They finally break for some lunch comprised of pasta salad, fruit salad, tuna salad, chicken salad, egg salad, and bean salad.  Salad, anyone?  Kandi goes right for the good stuff and asks Kenya for some real talk about Matt.  As they discuss Matt’s anger and insecurities, RL makes a point, there’s not a lot of men that “want to be Stedman”.  [Insert sound of needle being yanked off the record here].  As if we are even comparing Kenya to Oprah – AWWW HELL NOPRAH!  Real talk – no matter how you cut the muffin, this relationship between Kenya and Matt is FRAUGHT WITH PERIL!

noprah

Now if all of this wasn’t enough to blow your shit-hole wide open, we check in on Phaedra’s travels and as she is on her way to Apollo’s prison, she receives a call from her office.  Apparently, they received a bomb threat at the law office via a suspicious package, which allegedly contained a grenade.  Counselor Parks maintains her cool despite the threat, calls mom and instructs her to secure the boys and to duck and cover!

Next week, Porsha is ready to start her family, Mama Joyce weighs in on the bomb threat as if Counselor Parks had it coming, and Kenya and Matt have it out in the driveway at Moore Manor.

Baseboard Brawlin’

Phaedra and Porsha arrive at the housewarming abyss, Kenya twirls over and summons Porsha outside for the uncomfortable conversation of the night.  “New Porsha” handled it calmly, the anger management sesh paid off.  We are treated to a history montage of Kenya calling security on various cast mates, which is several.  Phaedra and Porsha gracefully leave, what a waste of an outfit and a wig.

party-goers

Not to let a sleeping dog lie, She by Shereé kicks off her heels and sprints down the driveway and yells out “frick and frack”, bitch wants the low down and She by Shit Stirring is about to begin.  They spot Matt walking up the hill and cackle as they hike over to Chateau Shereé for the after-party.

matts-here

Matt and Kenya retreat to the bedroom so he can apply his half-assed apology for hulking out.  She hems and haws, he refers to her as his “queen”, which seems to be the magic word.  She decides that finding someone to put up with her brand of crazy and getting naked in front of someone new is too much work.  They return to the party and a cake in the shape of Moore Manor is served.  The cake is true to form – it looks pretty sad.

In Papa Smurf and Cynthia news, Cynthia is hanging out in her kitchen chatting with her daughter and Noelle questions if Cynthia has low self-esteem.  Honey, that hairstyle is enough to give me low self-esteem!

cynthia-esteem

Noelle doesn’t understand why her mother the supermodel would put up with so much shit from decrepit Papa Smurf for such a long time.  Cynthia is taken aback, but it’s the reality check she needs to verify she is making the right decision to call it quits.  Later, we see an emotional scene between Cynthia and Papa Smurf as the finalize their demise and he acquiesces to sign the paperwork.  As they part ways, Cynthia tells him his revenge bod looks good, he’s been workin’ out.  It’s a ruse Cynthia, burn the marriage contract (not the prenup) and RUN!

Over at the Kandi Koated Factory, Kandi and Todd are devising a way to capitalize on the birth of their son and have created yet another brand, “Raising Ace”.  They anticipate the best-selling product will be the full-size Koehler toilet seat.  Mama Joyce wanders in and, I shit you not, she is wearing her Walmart wedgie shoes of death and she is still sporting her wig from the Joyce DeWitt Collection.  Kandi dishes out the tea about Kenya’s ramshackle disaster of a housewarming party and Mama Joyce decides it will be Phaedra’s turn in the hot seat.  She feels Phaedra should be rotting in a cell alongside Apollo, how could she not have known he was up to no good?  “You see the man every day with a briefcase, but you don’t know where, you can’t call him at his office!”  It turns into a bit of a free-for-all at the Kandi Koated office after Mama Joyce proclaims that Phaedra could have been granted a divorce from the state of Georgia within two months due to Apollo’s prison time.  Kandi’s assistant quickly Google-checks the proclamation, comes up with something about a crime of moral turpitude, two years, and well, Mama is right!  One thing I know for sure, after Phaedra watches this footage of the Kandi Koated Factory crew slamming her, Kandi can kiss that friendship contract goodbye!

mama-joyce-sassin

Todd provides an update on the “Ol’ Lady Gang” restaurant and shocker – they are way behind construction schedule.  The OLG rolls up in the dirt parking lot to check out the construction site and Aunt Bertha is already wobbling out of the car muttering something about soupy grits.  Todd shows them around and puts on the hard sell since the place looks like a bomb went off, but the OLG seems impressed so far.

And now we get to the segment of dueling lunches!  Kenya and Phaedra meet for lunch, it seems these two are burying the hatchet and are well on their way to a permanent friend contract.  Meanwhile, across town, Porsha and She by Shereé are lunching at The Mill.  Porsha is going to plan some cockamamie event so she can invite Kenya and kick her out when she shows up.

The next day, Kenya has a hare-brained plan of her own to invite Cynthia and Kandi to a salon for some Brazilian “upkeep”.  Kenya is kinda nauseating, “now that Matt and I are back together, the bushes need to be trimmed.”  Ugh…PUKE!  Cynthia opts to have her arms waxed since her lawn doesn’t need to be mowed, anytime soon.  In the WTF moment of the episode, Cynthia is eating the sugar wax as if it were Lik-m-aid Fun Dip.  Kandi is wary, how would she know that the wax wasn’t in there from the last person’s “kitty kat?”  Umm…she wouldn’t, that’s why it’s ghastly and revolting.

fun-dip

It’s time for Porsha’s Bravo mandated event and they all gather at a mall storefront called the “Mystery Room”.  Everyone arrives in their yoga gear except for Cynthia and Kenya who breeze in wearing maxi-dresses, giant hats, and Cynthia Bailey Eyewear.  The purpose of the “Mystery Room” is to be locked in a tiny room for 30 minutes and work as a team to find and solve clues, leading them to the lock combination that will free them from said room.  Each room as a panic button they can press, which summons the poor chump stuck working the desk to enter said room and give them a freebie clue.

About ten seconds in, Team Porsha is ringing the clue button, and they continue to do so several more times.  After all is said and done, neither team succeeds and the party is breaking up.  This is the quickest get together I have ever seen, but wait…there’s more.  Before Kenya twirls on back to her un-done home, she decides she needs to “check a boo”.  Kenya confronts She by Shereé about all the trash talkin’ she did about Moore Manor and I can tell, now is NOT the time.  She by Shereé is in her workout gear and all pumped up.  She is wearing leggings as pants…need we say Moore?

leggins

They start going at it right out of the gate, it’s as if the Bravo intern prepped She by Shereé on the impending attack.  Get your best lines ready Shereé, the shit is goin’ down after you escape the Mystery Room!  It’s no tittie sweat off of her chest, She by Shereé is strong like bull.  She has an empty chateau full of insults for Kenya, and she zeroes in with laser-like focus on the lack of baseboards and trim at Moore Manor!  Kenya maintains “I don’t do trim!”  The acrylic fingernails of death are waiving, words “beyotch” and “HO” are peppered throughout the arguing!  Kenya throws out the “Chateau Thelma” jab, implying the house is in She by Shereé’s mothers name in an attempt to hide the assets from the IRS.  Geez, all we need now is Nene Leakes up in here, spewing some bitchy catchphrases from betwixt her Petco choppers!

Kenya has had enough and twirls out of the storefront, revealing her unsightly backfat.  She by Shereé wins line of the night – “bitch twirl on some mother*ckin’ baseboard!”

sheree-baseboard

Next week – an unwelcome Kandi Koated Factory visitor pops in, Matts sister labels Kenya a “cougar”, Papa Smurf is keeping in touch with Cynthia’s sister Malorie, and Kandi goes into the ugly cry.

Chocolate Bunnies

Well this week, we received an Easter basket full of chocolate bunnies gone HAM!  We received some ghastly penis based insults, a reflective wig tuggin’ trip down memory lane, and the cherry on our Sunday….prison masturbation.  Let’s jump right in with the low-lights:

  1. Overboard

Revisiting the shit show that was the boat outing where everyone was calling each other beyotches and ho’s, Cynthia and Porsha admit they were turnt up, meaning hammered on Hennessey and orange juice.  We revisit one of my favorite fisticuffs, She by Shereé’s infamous “wig tug”, which she claims was just a “shift”, a helpful “adjustment” if you will.  Whilst they are talking about Kim’s wig – meaning Kim Zolciak, Kim Fields is looking around as if she is lost in a corn maze.

Anyhoo…Cynthia and Porsha continue to diagram the altercation as if they are in advanced placement English, trying to diagram complex sentence structure.  Between the wrist grabbing, the acrylic nail finger pointing, the straddle, the gut kick, and the security tackle, they finally agree they were both at fault.  Although Porsha wants to point out that she suffered “contusions” all over her body.  She just wanted an excuse to use the $5.00 word she learned at the CVS Mini-Clinic.  Kenya brings up something about Porsha pulling a Naomi Campbell on her assistant and Porsha fights back by accusing Kenya of seeing a one-eyed African.  Is this “one-eyed African” the latest Urban Dictionary slang term for a penis or is this an actual African man wearing an eye patch?

  1. Mommy Dearest

We revisit the painful rejection Kenya faces at the hands of her biological mother and Porsha just doesn’t know when to shut up.  She has been trying to figure out why Kenya is such an asshole, and thinks the deadbeat mom is the reason.  No, she is just a plain ol’ garden variety asshole.  Kenya claims that lack of her mother’s love is not her problem, in fact she had such a wonderful upbringing with the love of a fantastic father!  Raise your hand if you are confused, hasn’t one of Kenya’s main storylines been mending her relationship with her father?  Phaedra looks about as bored as the corpses she embalms.  The prosecution rests, this oatmeal pie face is half-baked.

  1. Papa Smurf on the Prowl

We continue to beat the dead marriage horse and Papa Smurf joins the stage to somewhat defend his position, but not really.  He spends all of his time in Charlotte canoodling with his staff, but hey…he and Cynthia are great!  OHAC whips out his hard-hitting investigative journalism skills and notes that they sound, well “separated”.  Peter actually has the stones to compare himself to a soldier who leaves for duty and doesn’t see his wife and family for months.  As if being away while serving up mozzarella sticks in paper food boats and canoodling with underage bar patrons is somehow the same?  I think Peter is still smoking whatever he bought in Jamaica and was able to sneak through customs up his asshole.

Cynthia supports her ol’ crusty hubby by complimenting his cheating acumen, Peter would be more discreet if he was up to no good.  Porsha keeps pushing after Peter and advises Cynthia that Peter pays his waitresses pennies, er uh… penises, you know…Dick Dollars!  Somehow Kenya gets involved and she and Porsha go at it.  They hurl tasteless insults at each other, something about lying on your back to make a small piece of change.  Porsha says something about a “dry piece instead of wet piece in that ditch”, I have no idea what the hell she means, but it Sounds.  Just.  Gross.  Kenya tells her to shut her mouth “if there’s not a dick in it, you don’t know what you’re saying.”  Porsha snaps back with a really distasteful “What about that dick you tuck every day before you come to work, beyotch!”  Peter exits stage left and makes room for Ayden, which is such an appropriate follow up to that sacrilege!

Stupid mouth

Ayden helps Andy host the show for a minute by asking questions which OHAC whispers in his ear, but then suddenly…out of the mouths of babes…he asks his mama “why are you here and when are you coming home?”  Mama has to make a buck, chile…as OHAC sends him off to raid craft services.

Ayden OHAC

  1. Phaedra Gets Her Groove Back (Chile…she never lost it!)

The next low-light focuses on Phaedra and she is pressing on with her divorce and she will complete her Match.com profile when the paperwork is final.  As a sidebar:  I notice that the set is decorated entirely with all of the items featured in the annual Pier One “teal” catalog.  You know the one…

Anyhoo… Phaedra is on the fence about taking the boys back to visit Apollo in the clink, she said there were inappropriate things going on in the back row, and of course OHAC asks the question we all had on our minds, “like what?!?!”  After the Bravo Intern wiped the drool from his chin with a Jimmy John’s napkin, Phaedra answers the question “someone had their hands in someone else’s pants…ahem…masturbation.”  Isn’t that technically a “hand job”, or in Phaedra speak “digital stimulation”.

Either way, it’s gross and not something Ayden needs to learn.  We need to keep that kid cute and innocent as long as possible!

  1. Party Crashers

The final low-light we will cover is the discussion of Tammy’s nephew…Glen, who Kenya invited to the Miami party house.  Phaedra pretty much called it here by pointing out what we all know, Kenya wanted him around, but when he rebuffed her poor excuse for flirtation, she wanted him out.  Kenya denies, accuses Phaedra of always trying to paint her as a “wanton hussy”.  The ladies don’t disagree that Glen was acting crazier than a bed bug and should have been asked to leave, but Kenya kept pushing the issue, poking the hornet’s nest as Kim called it.  Kenya is always so quick to call security at the sight of an errant coochie crack, but in Miami Kenya kept pushing Glen for a reaction while security was already handling it.

Kandi, of all people, starts defending Kenya because “at the end of the day”, it was Glen who was acting crazy right out of the gate, throwing gang signs at a pregnant woman.  Sigh…at the end of the day…I think Kandi needs a break to hit the dressing room and use her breast pump.

Kandi - defending

Next week Nene makes an appearance in a nude illusion, jewel encrusted, cat suit (someone please show this woman a mirror!)  The house-hubbies hit the couch and Kim Fields shouts “PLAY.  THE.  EFFING.  TAPE.  BACK!”  The supersized part three will be worth it just to see Kim come about as unglued as her wiglette.

A Festivus for the Rest of Us

We open this week with Phaedra deciding she is going to throw some sort of odd combination party that will encompass the holidays and the fact that she is filing for divorce from her unhinged, power drill wielding, convict husband.  Regardless, this will be a Festivus to remember since she is enlisting the help of Dwight, party planner extraordinaire.  Send Dwight skipping off to Hobby Lobby with his 40% off coupon and fire up the hot glue gun, there is no stopping him!

Porsha stops by to check in on her bestie Phaedra.  Phaedra informs her that she is going to perform a clog dance at said party.  Porsha shrugs it off with utmost disinterest, as if Phaedra has said something insignificant like, “I’m considering buying generic Ziploc® bags.”  Now, I ask you dear viewer, what kind of a bestie is this?  I would certainly want my bestie to ask me if I was out of my ever-lovin’ mind and please reconsider said clog dance performance.  I suppose there are more important matters on Porsha’s insipid mind, such as the story she ran across at Dish Nation about the Feds busting down Kandi’s door in order to seize Apollo’s motorbike and then busting down Cynthia’s door for his collection of Bicentennial coins.  Apparently, Apollo owes the government a hefty sum of restitution, so Counselor Parks is not surprised…or did Phaedra drop a dime to the Feds?  More on that later…

Kandi is due in seven weeks can she can barely hoist her ass up into Todd’s F250 pickup truck.  As they ride to the cemetery to pay respects to Todd’s mother, Kandi fantasizes about getting a boob job and a reduction so that her breasts don’t look like pancakes with a single raisin on the end, hanging on for dear life.  That’s an interesting analogy, excuse me while I get my cheese grater to scrape that image off my brain.

Pancake boob

Anyhoo…they arrive at the cemetery and we learn that Ace will have middle name of “Wells”, which was Sharon’s last name.  They place the flowers at the gravesite and we see the tombstone, which reads “Sharon Joel Wells – A loving mother and life of the party.”  And that she was…

Matt stops by Kenya’s house and he brings her two puppies, which he purchased as a gift for her.  Kenya names them King and Twirl and then places them on the floor to roam the house as if they have already been living there for six months.  Kenya is trying to pick out something to wear to Phaedra’s holiday party and we learn a very critical fact here, Kenya grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness, so she never celebrated holidays.  Why have we not heard about this before?

Cynthia enlists the help of her sister to move furniture around and set up a massage table so that she can have a romantic evening with Papa Smurf, since Cynthia has decided she can stomach him without clothes.  Peter arrives home and Cynthia announces she will be his masseuse for the evening, happy ending and all.  He is immediately down for that and can’t get his clothes off fast enough.  Cynthia is grossly massaging him, talking about “that special area”, and this is almost too much for T.V.

Then, FOR THE LOVE GOD…Noelle and Leon walk by.  Jezzuz Cynthia, we don’t ask you for much, could you please be sure your daughter and ex-husband have left the area code before you start pummeling your hubby’s pocket monkey?

Thats Gross

As we wrap up this rather lackluster finale, it’s the night of the Festivus for the Rest of Us party.  Phaedra poses Ayden on a pedestal as “Elf on a Shelf” and he is tasked with sitting on a high, wobbly column all night, unattended, handing out li’l bundles o’ coal.  Phaedra also hired Ms. Juicy Baby & Li’l Bit to babysit Dwight.

Festivus party

The only things worth mentioning this miscellaneous Festivus is the meeting of She by Shereé, Tammy, and Bob “Crazy Eye” Whitfield.  Tammy and her Miley Cyrus braids lay it out and ask Bob why he told She by Shereé that they hooked up and warns him not to glare at her with “dat bad eye”.  He claims he “never had sexual relations with that woman” and pleads ignorance due to brain trauma.  Tammy swills her corona and insists that these two “should just get back together” and then clomps away to get in line at the temporary tattoo table.

She by and Bob

Porsha and Shamea show up in paper-thin onesies and furry boots, looking like two penguin tweeners headed to the local rave.  Kim is speechless and Kandi is too busy looking for the chicken finger platter to care.  Kenya walks in dressed in some horrifying green Grinch makeup and she is teeing up the drama for the reunion, asking everyone who they think called the Feds.

Grinch

After Phaedra Phails at her clog dance, the episode ends with the summaries of where each woman is today:

  • Kandi and Todd have their baby Ace and her body allegedly “snapped back”, but she still doesn’t know who called the Feds.
  • Porsha is ready for her stint on Celebrity Apprentice (and we use that term “celebrity” very loosely).
  • Kim is headed to Dancing with the Child Stars
  • Kenya is still working on Moore Manor, complete with a nursery and a fake husband.
  • Cynthia and Peter are still a work in progress and Noelle is in therapy after seeing her mother massaging Papa Smurf’s private parts.
  • Phaedra continues to dial the Feds, and she has not taken the boys back to visit Apollo.

Next week – part 187 of the reunion, Nene prances in wearing a hideous body suit and the ladies read each other like a shady Harlequin romance novel!

The Calm After the Storm

The crew is back in ATL after their stormy Jamaican adventure.  All seems right with the world now, because they have all retreated back into their natural habitats, separated from each other by the electric fence.

In Kandi-Land news, she has been holding down the ATL fort awaiting her new addition, which is due in seven weeks.  She announces that she is having a boy, but we already knew this since Ace fought his way out of her chicken fried womb months ago.  Kandi, Mama Joyce, and Todd sit in the waiting room discussing how short the baby will be when he grows up, but Todd is in heavy denial about being vertically challenged.  He’s a 5’4” man trying to pass himself off as 5’9”.  Dr. Jackie bounces in looking like she just came from the annual municipal Easter egg hunt.  Seriously, her dress is very cute, but doesn’t seem fit for doctoring, shouldn’t she be wearing a lab coat and ugly Crocs?  But, I digress… the more dreadful item of significance here is that Dr. Jackie feels that it’s appropriate to tell Kandi and Todd, in the presence of Mama Joyce, about alternative ways to get their freak on, despite Kandi’s pregnancy belly.  When Dr. Jackie suggests something “on the side” or “hanging over the kitchen sink”, Mama Joyce recoils in horror.  Now would be the time to wield the Walmart Wedgie of Death in Dr. Jackie’s direction!

In case you missed it, Mama Joyce be like…

Disgusted face

Kandi reveals that they plan to name their son Ace Wells Tucker and Dr. Jackie approves – sounds like a guy you want to go golfing with, or a guy you might see doing 8 – 10 at Fort Dix.  Kandi reveals her inspiration was a deck of cards, Ace is highest and lowest, he is the first and the last, he is the end-all, be-all, Ace is the Place for the helpful hardware man!  Dr. Jackie reminds Todd to get the “push gift” ready, “We like diamonds, no chips, and we don’t like the number to start with one either!”  Translation = No Scrubs!  Todd gives the death stare and Mama Joyce giggles because now she thinks Kandi will finally get the diamond ring she deserves instead of that ol’ two carat piece of Cracker-Jack rubbish he used to propose.

In Kenya-Land, she and Matt are checking on Moore Manor, Delusional Dilapidated House of Horrors.  Matt is eyeing up a prime parking spot and a place for his Nordic Track, but Kenya is pushing for diamonds first.  With Matt being a personal trainer, that diamond may start with the number zero and end in a 0.25.  Kenya’s Aunt Lori comes by to assess the merchandise, meaning Matt, and she evaluates his shoe size, because you can tell a lot about a man’s intellectual prowess by his shoe size… ahem… Kenya sends big-footed Matt off to do some fake carpentry work so that she and Lori can gossip about him.  Kenya tells Aunt Lori that she has a new process for “vetting” her men (plural), and we are treated to a flash back of Walter, the disgusting tow truck driver that never could.  Kenya has clearly fired her old makeup artist because she is much more camera friendly now.  Looking back, it’s painfully evident how staged the whole “Walter” thing was, what a dolt.  At least Matt is easy on the eyes and seems like a nice person, even if he is just a prop.  Aunt Lori wishes Kenya lotsa luck, provided she doesn’t send Matt screaming for the hills.  These two are dressed like some strange version of Southern Belle, Frail International Spy meets Wayward Kid ‘N Play Groupie…can someone get some space heaters up in this beyotch?!?!

Kenya-ramshackle home

Later, Matt takes Kenya to “The Melting Pot” restaurant, where of course she’s a little put off by having to cook her own food in the fondue pot.  Ha, wait until you get home and come to find out that your $300 dress and $8 weave smell like an amalgam of old cooking grease, beef, and onions!  Kenya starts quizzing Matt on his past and he confirms that all of his wild ways are far behind him.  Kenya admits she is no spring chicken and has already started saving her eggs.  Matt believes she is referring to the eggs laid by the wild chickens living in her unfinished home and that she is saving them to cook him breakfast in the morning.  If he had fully understood her, I have no doubt he would have melted his face off in the hot fondue pot.

Porsha, well she’s an idiot.  She is preparing for a photo shoot for her new ultra cheap-n-cheezie lingerie line.  She has a phone conversation with Johnnie, her Creative Director and they are discussing the body types that will be photographed.  Porsha says “it wasn’t set in see-men”, no your photos won’t be “set in semen” until they are filched out of the recycling bins by hungover Waste Management employees.

Thankfully, Johnnie has his Porsha stupidity decoder handy and he is able to translate “it wasn’t set in STONE”, he then comments that she has the brains of a paper cup, which may be giving her too much credit.  On the day of the photo shoot, Porsha proves that she cannot handle running her empire without Lauren.  She dicks around in hair and makeup and bullshitting with Cynthia for too long and she runs out of daylight for the outside shots.  Cynthia, the ever the consummate professional, pulls off her indoor shots within a few minutes.

In other Cynthia news, she visits Kim and we get to see a sample of the ‘mercial, but it’s about as cheap-n-cheezie as Porsha’s lingerie.  Cynthia Bailey Eyewear, cheap ass sunglasses that will break right off your head after one wear.  But enough about the ‘mercial…Cynthia uses the opportunity to revisit the “your husband is fruity or gay” discussion, but Kim is totally over it.  Cynthia makes one last-ditch effort before filming the 12 part reunion to reiterate that she had no part in that conversation.

In Phaedra-World – she is moving forward with her divorce from Apollo and debating if she will take the kids to see him now that he is moved to Fort Dix.  Phaedra drops by Kandi-Land to keep up the pretense that they are mending their friendship.  Kandi is dressed like she’s going to a rootin’ tootin’ hoedown to take a nap…

Kandi-hoedown

 

…and Phaedra is cloaked in Cookie Monster’s toilet lid cover.

Phaedra-cookie cloak

Phaedra gifts Kandi with some nipple cream whilst giving her the scoop on the Jamaica trip, which is Phine by Phaedra because she has no plans of discussing the Apollo situation with anyone.  Everyone has already been up in her bidness far too much, “more than my gynecologist has been in my vagina.”

On to what is really important here and that is the “Ayden cam!”  I just can’t get over this kid, and his cute, adorable voice is enough to melt my cold, dead heart.  Phaedra is heading to Fort Dix to see Apollo, which will be the first time since the day he became unhinged in the garage and lunged at her with a running power drill.  Phaedra doesn’t tell the boys why they are in Philadelphia, in the event they cannot get into the prison because Phaedra has gone commando.  Baby Dylan has come a long way and his personality is asserting itself.  This kid ain’t goin’ back to baby Kar-ah-TAY…and you can’t make him.  He has already achieved his black belt and he will deliver a toddler sized foot to your face if you don’t back off!

Dylan Ayden

Dylan and Ayden are being lovey dovey brothers, Dylan giving his big brother kisses is just too cute for words.  Ayden is playing with Phaedra’s iPad and asks “Can you please get me one of these?  I really need it for work and business.”  When Phaedra asks, “what kind of business?” he says “Unexpected business.”  Sounds like he has picked up a thing or two from his father’s “shady bidness”!

When they arrive at Fort Dix, cameras are not allowed, so all we see is that Phaedra’s mother has waited in the car for 2 ½ hours, while playing 100 rousing rounds of Bejeweled Blitz.  Phaedra returns with the boys, calling their visit “interesting”.  She asks Ayden to comment on daddy’s hair and Ayden says “I did not quite like it”, apparently Apollo has a Mohawk and a tattoo of a single tear coming out of his left eye.

Phaedra is hesitant to visit again, the boys were antsy and Apollo is refusing to sign the divorce papers.  SHOCKER!  Next week, finally…the season finale!  Looks like some sort of holiday party gone horribly awry!

School of Read

She by Shereé is still keepin’ it real where we left off and Kim is ready to cut a beyotch with her mouth, meaning she may spew some cutting words that only become part of her vocabulary when she is fully possessed by the real housewives mutant demon of death.  The latest rumor is that Chris is “fruity or gay”, as if they are all in 7th grade trying to win a spot at “cool girls” lunch table by having the juiciest gossip of the day.  Everyone is bailing out of the shit pot, acting as if they weren’t fervently gossiping about this the night before.  She by Shereé, Phaedra, and Porsha admit that they Googled Chris and read the words “fruity husband.”  Kenya jumps in, “we don’t care if he’s gay or if you guys having tax problems.”  Wait…what the wha???  Where did this “tax problem” thing come into play and why can’t Kenya say anything without throwing a backhanded shady curveball?!?!  Cynthia and Nene go on record that they defended Chris and Kim and wanted no part of this ugly conversation.  Kim pulls her “go to” move and leaves saying she has to get to bed because she has an early morning.  Like the last kid chosen for the dodge ball team, Kenya is left sinking in the shit pot by herself.

Kim - WTF

The next day, Nene, Kim, and Phaedra have breakfast and the two veteran housewives attempt to guide Kim toward a bully beat down and suggest she de-pants Kenya at recess.  However, the only one who really needs a good dressing down is Phaedra!  She looks like she should be twirling a baton and doing high kicks in a 4th of July parade!  Phaedra redeems herself by giving some solid advice and doing a spot-on impression of Kenya.  She advises Kim to chop the snake off at the head and say something to Kenya like “Listen honey, I am Baby Butterworth.  I came out the womb actin’ honey, but you came out actin’ a foo!”  Now there’s a solid insult.  Read school is in session and Nene plays the role of Kim, being calm and dismissive.  Phaedra takes the role of Keyonce… “I’ve been in two movies that went straight to blockbuster!”, then she starts twirling in her red, white, and, blue frock so fast that she may turn into Wonder Woman.

Phaedra Twirling

They all get a big cackle out of it, but Kim finds solace in her bible and prayer cloth, her elevator doesn’t go down to that level.

Meanwhile, Back in ATL, Kandi and Todd visit a European Hookah lounge to meet with the chef and try some of his cooking in hopes that he will be a candidate for their ill-fated OLG restaurant idea.  The OLG is on board, except for Aunt Bertha.  However, what Aunt Bertha is on board for is strolling into the empty Hookah lounge and shouting into the air at no one in particular, “I need a rum-n-coke!”  The chef serves the group various items including deviled eggs, French toast and chicken, salmon, ribs, etc.  Aunt Bertha fusses over everything, except the ribs.  Bertha throws some serious side-eye, still no sign of that rum-n-coke.  Nothing much more to side-eye see here, the gang decides they are moving forward, but plan to interview a few more chefs so that Kandi can get more of her chicken and waffle on.  Hopefully next time with some dippin’ sauce.

Aunt Bertha

Back in Jamaica, the gang is heading off to Dunn’s River Falls for the day.  But first, Kim must phone her hubby to refresh and nurture her “beautiful, uninfected spirit”.  She fills Chris in on the “fruity or gay” rumors and “folks jumpin’ on Google to determine if he was straight or not.”  Chris takes this as a compliment, rule #147 in life “if they Google you, they are shook!”  They have a good laugh and are grateful that they are the only ones in the cast who haven’t been thrown into Saturday detention.

At the waterfalls, everyone straps on their waterfall climbing shoes, but the women are all bitching that the water is too cold.  Porsha decides to crawl because it’s so slippery and she doesn’t want to perform the impromptu splits and blow the seam of her Fabletics spandex pants wide open with that corn fed ass.  Kenya and Matt, insisting on being the stars of gym class, scale their way to the top first and act as if they have won the Amazing Race or some shit.  It ends up alienating them further as everyone else uses the opportunity to bond and help one another up the falls.

Porsha - twerk on falls

After they complete their mission, Peter announces they are going to a Jamaican Jerk Chicken joint for dinner, that serves amazing chicken and allows the patrons to smoke fat joints.  At that thought, Gregg gets a burst of energy and he is ready to run to the chicken joint faster than Kandi wolfed down that French toast and chicken dish.  Once at dinner, the women and men separate.  Peter fires up a fat ass blunt and orders round after round of shots for the men, they start talking all kinds of nonsense and we get a drunken admission that Matt “loves Kenya” and Oliver isn’t sure if he can handle all of Porsha’s big bouncin’ ass.

At the mean girls table, Nene broaches the conversation about the Kim/Kenya feud and she invites Kim to put the bible down and put some stank on it.  Kim says her problem is that Kenya has crossed a line of disrespect, which won’t be tolerated.  Kenya, once again, cannot find it in herself to be civil and starts out being condescending, “congratulations on speaking for yourself”… Cynthia tries to interrupt Kenya, but gets a dodgeball straight to the kisser.  Kenya tells Kim that she is indifferent to her and they are simply at an impasse.  Kim feels there should be some level of respect that is “just basic”.  Cynthia reminds Kenya how she rudely pulled out Kim’s chair at their three-way “why don’t I get to direct the ‘mercial meeting”, which caused things to escalate quickly and turn physical.  Cynthia feels that Kenya owes Kim an apology, and then, like a Unicorn on roller skates, Kenya delivers an apology for moving Kim’s chair.  Kim is ready to move her own chair, she accepts the apology for now and quickly exits stage left, she has an early morning Algebra quiz.

Cynthia, her Mickey Mouse statement necklace, Nene, and She by Shereé make a pit stop back at the hotel to have some dessert and Cynthia can’t stop giggling about the dark chocolate balls.  Cynthia thinks Nene has transcended into “Iyanla Fix My Life level” and she wishes to consult her about confronting Kenya about her unsupportive behavior during the ‘Mercial shoot.

It’s the last night in Jamaica and Peter sets up a nice party for everyone and shows up wearing his best Papa Smurf blue suit.  After several cocktails and a twerk-off between the fire dancers and Phaedra and Porsha, they all take their seats for dinner.  Peter delivers a speech about how great the trip has been and he and Cynthia have their spark back.  She by Shereé even admits that the trip has been great and has brought her and Bob closer to reconciliation.  Sure, everyone can get along famously while lounging in tropical paradise on Bravo’s dime!

Peter Blue Suit

Peter reveals that Matt used the word “love” when discussing Kenya and Matt actually owns up to it.  He must have gotten an extra credit from Bravo.  Cynthia asks Kim when she will have some footage of the ‘Mercial, which segues into Cynthia voicing her concern over Kenya’s paddling out to Cuba rather than being supportive on the set.  Kenya says her feelings were hurt because she had two great concepts for Cynthia and she wouldn’t even hear her out.  You dumb beyotch, how about showing up to the scheduled pitch meeting if you are so hell-bent on being heard out?  Cynthia notes that she actually wanted Kenya to be in the commercial, but Kenya scoffs and thinks that changed after Nene returned.  Nene takes umbrage with that and reiterates that she has nothing to do with their rift.  Already having her name on the chalkboard and not wanting any check marks next to it, Kenya actually apologizes to Cynthia for letting her down.  Cynthia accepts the apology and thinks it’s genuine, but Phaedra feels that Kenya is just doing more bad acting!

Well that was a real showdown letdown… We are off next week due to the Oscars, so see you next time.  A lingerie photo shoot, finalizing the ‘Mercial footage, and Phaedra takes the boys to see Apollo.