Pitchin’ and Bitchin’

The ladies are still on the party bus of doom, careening off the rails, straight to the campground of sweltering obliteration.  When they arrive, Phaedra announces she only planned for six rooms, so a few attendees with their un-invited plus ones will need to bunk up.  Marlo swiftly guarantees her single room status by announcing that she has horrific gastro-intestinitis, sphylkis of the ganectagazoink, which leaves everyone immediately revolted.

Luckily, Phaedra has planned the first night to be spent in the wild sleeping in tents, so Marlo’s gaseous emissions will be able to become one with the wind.  Before they head out to pitch tents for two hours, Marlo and SBS take a quick moment to caucus and decide that at some point SBS will bring up the latest gossip about Kandi dippin’ in the lady pond.  SBS is doing a public service, really… how can these “frienemies” bond when they can’t be honest with each other.  SBS, you are a Bravo producer’s dream.

The ladies re-board the party bus to hellfire and attempt to set up camp.  Everyone struggles with their tents, except Phaedra who decides to just camp out in her party print maxi-dress.  In the first low blow of the night, Kenya asks SBS for help with her air mattress since SBS has extensive expertise.  Let’s not leave out Phaedra, who used to kick it with Apollo on his air matters for their 2:00 a.m. booty courtship calls.

When they finally settle by the campfire, the focus is on Marlo – she has actually taken the time to bedazzle her can of “OFF” and her flashlight.  Phaedra asks Marlo what is on-trend besides bedazzled insect repellent cans and camel toe.  Marlo recommends lashes and suggests Kenya get better ones.  Lauren asks about this underlying rift between Marlo and Kenya and they hash it out over the non-invites to Kenya’s recent parties.  Giiirrrllll…you didn’t miss much!  Kenya has already apologized and isn’t going back down that bedazzled road.  Marlo takes another swing, calls Kenya miserable, her earrings and eyelashes a disaster, you can’t keep a broke man, and your own mother won’t even talk to you.  LOW.  EFFING.  BLOW.  EVEN.  FOR.  YOU.  MARLO.  YOU.  STANK.  ASS.  HO!  Although the other insults were on point.  Phaedra puts the kibosh on the trash talk and delivers an inspirational pep talk about how they should come together as sistas and not call each other prostitutes and ho’s.  Good call, Counselor!  Meanwhile, SBS is huddled up in her sleeping bag, bustin’ at the seams with her lesbian rumor agenda, just waiting for the prime moment to pounce.  She is a mess on wheels.

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The next day, they all sport their on-trend camel toe outfits to lunch and Kenya asks Phaedra how goes the divorce process.  Kandi points out that if one spouse goes to jail, she heard that the state would grant a divorce within 60 days….or some shit like dat.  Porsha comes to the defense of her bestie, stating that Apollo is the one holding up the show because he doesn’t want the divorce.  Let’s leave the legal stuff to Counselor Parks, shall we?  Anyhoo, Cynthia diffuses the tension by updating the crew on her divorce, which will be final very soon, but Papa Smurf wasn’t at the final signing.  Cynthia becomes emotional, she wanted that one last good bye with Papa, but I guess it hasn’t occurred to her that seeing her may be too painful for him considering she rebuffed his invitation to head back to his air mattress, while they said goodbye at Club One.  That was your big moment to get you some break-up sex, Cynthia!  Have these ho’s you are surrounded by taught you NOTHING?!?!?  The ladies rally around Cynthia, reaffirm that she is beautiful, smart, and successful, and will find a man to rise up to meet her standards.  Now there’s some real support!

They head out to meet a camp ground crew dude, who looks like he just rolled off of Willie Nelson’s tour bus.  He orders them into the kayaks and paddle boats, and gives them a good shove into the polluted cesspool they call a lake.  SBS freaks out as if someone set her weave and her favorite Fabletics leggings on fire, I haven’t heard SBS shriek like that since “who gon’ check me, boo?”

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She cannot have non-chlorinated water near her vagina, and who knows what else lurks in those waters.  After the boating bust, the ladies are ordered to free fall into a fiery abyss from 100 feet up.  Most of the ladies participate and do so with grace and coolness, but leave it to Porsha to have a full-blown, hyperventilation, crying, laughing, freak out.  I mean, what’s the worst that could happen, you break a toe nail?

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The last 15 minutes of the show concludes with the death dinner of truth.  Kenya apologizes to Marlo once again, Marlo apologizes for the mother comment and they both accept, with a grain of salt.  The gang is barely past their opening cocktail and Marlo asks Kandi if she is a lesbian.  SBS and Porsha must have been attending discount acting classes in between Anger Management and working out, they both act totally shocked by this rumor.

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Kandi demands to know who said it and SBS won’t name names and gives everyone an opportunity to own up to it.  Phaedra is sucking back her wine as if it were black tar heroin.  SBS finally calls out Porsha, and then Porsha admits to insinuating Kandi was a lesbian, but chalks it up to a shady moment.  Production flashes back “Two Minutes Earlier”, to Porsha doing an impression of an unwise owl “WHO?  WHO? WHA? WHO SAID THAT?”  Comedy.  Gold.  Porsha tries to slide Phaedra into the mix with her Shamea comment, accompanied by international hand gesture for sexual intercourse, but it becomes a little glossed over with all the additional pandemonium and screeching.  Kandi clarifies that she is happy with her husband, she admits she has experimented, but she isn’t the only one who has dipped in the lady pond (Porsha this means you!)  It turns into a word-war between Kandi and Porsha about who did what, who knows what, who has been where, who tossed a salad, who performed a reach around, who fully immersed in the lady pond, and who’s full of shit.  In the end, Kandi thanks SBS for letting her know what was said behind her back, but this is not over.

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The groups retire to their respective rooms to hash through their own versions of what just went down.  Kandi gets line of the night, “when she [Porsha] gets drunk, she becomes an aggressive lesbian.”

We have a teaser for “this season” on RHATL, which shows some upcoming drama – a trip to Maui, SBS finally moving into Chateau by Sheree, Cynthia and Peter playing kissy face, Phaedra pulling some shadiness with her divorce, Porsha is pregnant, SBS and Bob falling back in love and then apart, Apollo is engaged, Kim “wigs’-n-cigs” Zolciak returns, and Kandi Vaseline’s her face up, ready to fight Porsha.