The End-Game Remains the Same

Welcome to another installment of glittered clavicles, where the acrylic nails are waving all up in our bidness!  Let’s get to the roundup – and no, I do not mean “The Roundup” of RHOD fame!  Focus people, minds out of the gutters!

  1. Prostitution Moratorium – Marlo “check my charges” Hampton is tired of being called a whore ladies and gents! If she is to be called a prostitute, she wants receipts damn it!  OHAC asks what her actual job is, it’s basically dating wealthy men who pay her bills and running an Etsy site where they sell SBS lifestyle joggers.  The IRS Standard Occupational Classification would be “service industry”.  The ladies finally agree to not call each other prostitutes unless they have hard-n-fast proof.  Pun intended!

prostitution whoah

  1. Rape-Gate No More – Porsha and Kandi have a moment where they agree that drug-n-rape-gate shall never darken their doorway again. Porsha tries round 8 of her apology and has finally refined her process.  Kandi agrees to let it go in the interest of not breathing any more life into it.  They agree to shake on it, 50-Cynt pushes for a “hug it out” moment, but let’s not get nuts!

 

  1. Hang on to your Wigs-n-Cigs – Wigs and her entourage of one (dejected former NFL bench-warmer Kroy) are in the building. He has even brought a full cooler of drinks, I love how he blends the football tail-gating tradition with his wifey’s half-ass career.  This fucken’ guy is incredible… Kroy of all trades – trusty assistant / chauffeur / stylist / bell-boy / bartender / baby-sitter / wig-master!  Showing where her loyalty lies, SBS slides behind the makeshift curtain to warn Wigs what she’s about to walk into.  This was SBS first tactical error this season, hitching her lifestyle wagon to this shit-show person.

Kroy servant

  1. Will-I-Am-An-Opportunist – Oh 50-Cynt, good thing you are strikingly gorgeous, otherwise I would throttle you in the neck with an open fist through my television. Eva joins the group and they re-hash Will-gate, but 50-Cynt still believes Will was single when they met.  Eva knows what she saw and was introduced to Will’s “girlfriend” about 24 hours before 50-Cynt’s Tinder date.  Eva has no time for this messiness, she’s about to go into labor.  Alert to 50-Cynt, your showmance is showing!  She is no longer seeing Will and a new dark chocolate selection in her candy dish.

 

  1. End-Game – Wigs waddles out with her red Solo cup, as Kroy gives her the push-off from back stage, he breaks the fourth wall – “she’s hot, right?” As if he’s trying to convince himself.  Yes Kroy – ya’ done good!  Ya’ strapped the ol’ broad into her spanx within an inch of her life, and stuffed her in that Forever 21 spandex dress as if she were stuffed sausage!  #LifeGoals!  There’s a lot of chatter back and forth, but I just want to hit on the highlights that made this last hour worth it – Wigs is called out talking crap about 50-Cynt and Nene, she denies it and then the Bravo Intern rolls the effing tape.  OHAC compares Wigs’ pivoting ways to Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and Wigs has no clue who that is.

    OHAC asks Wigs “what’s the end game with the lips?”  To look like a baboon’s, swollen, irritated asshole – #LifeGoalsCrushed!

End-game

Photo Cred:  thegoodthebadandthefake – Thank you for THIS!

Next week is Only.  Part.  Three.  Of.  These.  Unstable.  Slut-Tards.  The women go hard at Wigs and she walks out.

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Masters of Disguise

It’s the finale of RHATL and we can’t wait for the nine-part reunion, so let’s dive right into the madness!  We learn that Porsha’s co-workers at Dish Nation lovingly call her “P-Willi”, they are live on the air discussing the upcoming nickel-n-dime stage play, starring their own P-Willi alongside the shady Vivica A. Fox.  I must take a poignant pause here and reflect on the “seven degrees of Kevin Bacon” moment we are having – so here’s Miss Vivica on the RHATL for a cameo, she was formerly a guest on WWHL with Andy Cohen, where she claimed that her ex-boyfriend, 50-CENT, is gay.  ALLEGEDLY PEOPLE!  Not to be confused with our own 50-CYNT, who is not gay… as far as we know!  Whew – the world is a rich tapestry, my friends!

Vivica 50

Across town, other housewives with nothing to do are meeting for a play date!  Kandi takes Baby Ace to the pumpkin patch to meet with Eva and her daughter Marley Rae.  Let’s just say that Marley Rae is not DTPD (Down to Play Date).  She’s a bit fussy, but they only have to stay for a few contractually obligated moments in order to lay the groundwork for the hellscape that will be the last 15 minutes of the episode.  Eva is now an official ATL resident, and it’s her BURF-DAY, and it’s HALLOWEEN, so Kandi convinces her to throw a Halloween costume party and invite all past mortal enemies of housewives present.

Later, 50-Cynt and Nene roll up to the mall in Nene’s Rent-A-Royce, but no handicapped parking for them!  They must hobble on their cloven hooves into the Halloween store and select cheezie costumes.  Eva is already in the shop and we learn that the party will be held in an old, decommissioned church.  This parade of unstable skanks may spontaneously combust upon entering.  50-Cynt gives Nene a warning – Wigs-n-Cigs will be in attendance.  Nene tries to brush it off, pretending to be enthralled by some “Nestle Crunch” socks [no… seriously!]  She’s too busy catching checks, no room to catch a case!

SBS welcomes some of the ladies to the Château for a tour of the newly finished basement.  Only Kandi and 50-Cynt show up, but hey… more macaroons for Kandi!  Kandi causally points out that SBS has no doormat at all and SBS tells her it had to be custom-made and is “on backorder”.  As SBS leads them down into the fully furnished home underneath the Château, she is serving up shade left and right.  Nene couldn’t make it to the basement unveiling, which she doesn’t understand since she has free time after being fired from the Xscape tour… and 50-Cynt, who has a home full of IKEA, needs to see what real furniture looks like.  Oh SBS, karma is going to bite you in the bubble-booty when your Château is repoed!  Kandi can’t reconcile the figures in her head, but SBS must have sold a lot of books.  SBS situates Kandi and 50-Cynt in the spa and in come the two ladies from Priv to get their product placement by Bravo, and give some weak-ass hand massages.  SBS takes the floor with her latest drama, apparently SBS heard from Shamea that P-Willi called her after Barcelona and said that none of the women can be trusted, not even SBS!  Not one to ever let things slide, SBS is ticked after she had P-Willi’s back for the last four months.  She plans to open up a can o’ rent-a-whoop ass on P-Willi, but 50-Cynt advises her to talk it over directly with P-Willi before turning loose like a crack-house rat.  Ahem… 50-Cynt, have you seen this show?

It’s the opening night of “two can play that game” and P-Willi is on stage playing a “bona fide ho”, which isn’t much of a stretch.  50-Cynt and Kenya are the only two who show up, and Kenya is there for the sole purpose of throwing shade at the current state of Vivica’s old face.

Hypocrisy meter

Okay finally, the last 15 – it’s the night of the Halloween party and this shin-dig is held together with prayers and chewing gum.  In comparison with the other bashes we’ve seen, it’s quite pitiful.  There are some random plastic bowls of Halloween candy disbursed on rented high-top tables and a buffet of airport KFC.

The only noteworthy part is 50-Cynt dressed as 50-Cent and lookin’ pretty dang fierce.  Will trails in, dressed as Poindexter – we could use a little less of him.  Noelle is at the party and this is her first exposure to Will, probably her last since his dating contract will be toast before filming is over.

SBS commits the ultimate Halloween-welcome to the ATL-but no peach for you party-foul and dresses in the same costume as the host.  There is only room for ONE Cleopatra in this decommissioned den of worship!  Wigs-n-Kroy are unoriginal as Hugh Hefner and a rando Playboy bunny, but I’m glad that this is the first episode in the long time that Kroy is not relegated to circling the block in the Escalade!  Marlo shows up as BAPS and some random older man, who she introduces as “Raymond”.  Kenya asks where he came from, to which he replies, “I fell from the sky”… more like fell out of escort agency li’l black book!

mmm hmm

SBS tells Marlo about the P-Willi gossip and Marlo convinces her it’s the best plan in the history of the explored universe to confront her at this social gathering.  Nene and Gregg walk in dressed as roach and exterminator and totally steal the show.  #couplepettygoals!  Wigs is in the corner lookin’ like a rabid bunny, but the joke is on her.  Kroy is laughing and gives Nene props for having a great sense of humor.  Watch Nene float out of this thing and score an endorsement deal for Orkin Pest Control, or some crazy shit!  Nene will be cashin’ cock-roach checks instead of Trump checks – ah well, same difference, right?

Nene-Gregg

At a nearby rent-a-high-top, it’s SBS-n-Wigs vs. zombie brides P-Willi-n-Lauren.  The confrontation begins… P-Willi’s life is just one crushing friendship defeat after another.  She responds as one would expect of any zombie bride – “wha’?”  Shamea, appropriately dressed as “messy mermaid”, wiggles her way up to bring her bestie up to speed on why SBS is comin’ for her.  The whole thing escalates quickly, Wigs inserts herself, there’s a lot of acrylic fingernail waving, and P-Willi suggests they talk privately.  Game over – SBS has already labelled her as a bad friend and she dashes off to burn their friendship contract at the decorative entry cauldron.  Nene takes P-Willi aside and lectures her about giving an “apology presentation ceremony” of sorts to the entire group, with “no buts”.  P-Willi stands her ground and says “NO” to Nene, which is freakin’ unheard of in this crew.  Marlo and her 5 foot wig try to butt in, P-Willi is shoveling Pez or Xanax into her mouth at an alarming rate, but then swiftly walks away because she’s about to erupt into a fiery rage containing the white-hot heat of 1,000 suns!  Marlo the asshole and her 5-foot wig are chasing after P-Willi and she pulls on her zombie-bride train.  Some rando party-goer, or a Bravo intern perhaps, whisks in to aid P-Willi and he helps carry her train so she can escape the idiot-hooker chasing her.

50-cent-porsha

Oddly – this rando looks a li’l like none other than the real 50-CENT!  After P-Willi escapes from the peach-thirsty Marlo, she reconvenes with Lauren and they hoof it out of there.  Poor li’l Fitty – he was hoping P-Willi might split an Uber with him – 50-Sad!

50-Sad

Kandi has had her fill of airport KFC and the dipping sauces have run dry, she is ready to hear the best costume award and be in bed by 8!  Of course, 50-Cynt takes the prize and bids farewell to her alter-ego.  Cynthia has since turned 51, RIP 50-CYNT!

50-cynt-costume

As we wind up, we see the updates of each housewife to tide us over until the bloodbath reunion – 50-Cynt is still “getting to know” Will after nine months of dating.  Nene is still attempting her comedy, P-Willi has the acting bug and is continuing her pursuits, Kandi has an OLG food-truck in the works because she doesn’t have enough revenue streams, Kenya is still waffling with Question Marc about where to call “home”, and we learn that the “Man Cave” at the Château will be empty until 2022.  God’s speed, Prison-BAE!

See y’all next week for reunion roundup, part one!

Defensive Driving

Hey y’all – this week RHATL is one of those episodes that I kinda despise.  Choppy scene editing, smoothie drankin’ and snackin’, some most heinous wardrobe malfunctions, and more she said/she said bullshit.  Let’s get into it, shall we?

Mama Joyce visits with Kandi and gets the latest rundown – the roach motel video, Porsha leaving Barcelona over the door mat… all the while Baby Ace is giving Mama Joyce some serious side-eye!  I’m tryna learn my farm animals here… GRANDMAW!  Mama finally admits to Kandi that she had a sit-down with Porsha, Kandi is a bit perturbed.  All Kandi wants is for Porsha to admit she pulled these random lies out of her chunky booty in the sole interest of going after her.

Meanwhile, across town, Porsha and Lauren sit down for a smoothie and some chicken nuggets.  Porsha believes her “heart to heart” with Nene was effective and the hatchet has been buried in Barcelona.  Sure it has, until Nene comes at you with both barrels at the reunion.

In other sit-down news, SBS holds a gossip sesh with Wigs-n-Cigs.  Wigs actually drove herself in her rent-a-royce.  Sidebar:  SBS is wearing some very ill-fitting jeans.  Is this camel toe-nail?

Camel Toe Nail

Anyhoo – welcome to yet another installment of Wigs’ bullshit.  SBS has Wigs’ red solo cup chillin’, not to be outdone – SBS pours herself a black solo cup.  Wigs revisits roach-gate, claims that Nene’s son Brentt was the one who invited Brielle to come over.  Nene is pulling the race card and Wigs spent $20K to send her a “sis and deceased” or a “cyst and diseased” letter.  We flash back on this history of the Wigs/Nene race war, SBS is riding hard for Wigs and agrees that Nene has crossed the line.  Good Lord, I can hardly concentrate, Wigs implants look like they are about to bust open and splatter gelatinous saline all over SBS Wal-Mart sweatshirt.  I swear, these things are held together with band-aids and marshmallows!  Deep thoughts with Wigs-n-Boobs:

Wigs Boobs Bustin

Nene and Gregg are all matchy matchy in blue chiffon and sit down to discuss Nene’s latest social media embroilment with Brielle on Twatter.  Brielle blasted Ms. Leakes, and let’s just talk about Nene’s response for a minute, shall we?  “We don’t have roaches!  If you found 1, u brought it with u or it fell outta yo funky pussy! … #racisttrah” – and I’m paraphrasing!  [Insert sound of needle being scratched off of record here].  EGADS, NENE!  Show some fuckin’ restraint!  I’m not sure that insult about Brielle’s lady parts is commensurate with the roach motel video.

Egads

50-Cynt and her Urkel glasses are serving as Will’s personal Uber and she’s driving him to the airport.  She talks to Marlo while driving and they discuss the fact that Nene crashed and burned for a bad joke she told during her standup routine.  The Xscape tour has officially given Nene the hook, exit stage left please!  Arriving at her destination, she actually gets out of the car to help Will with his luggage… say wha’??  She greets him with an awkward kiss to the cheek.  Will, for the sake of my sanity, you have officially been “friend zoned”.  The Bravo intern will conduct your exit interview next week.

SBS and Kandi meet for a smoothie, Kandi fills her in on the tour drama.  Apparently – Nene had a heckler who said “go kill yourself”.  Naturally, Nene’s response was “I hope you get raped by an Uber driver.”

wha-wha-wha

There was so much heat on social media, Kandi had to drop Nene from the tour, but only due to pressure from the producers, Kandi didn’t think it was a big deal.  SBS’ weave is spinning, she can’t believe Kandi is taking this so lightly when she is STILL mad at Porsha for saying Kandi tried to rape her.  This one is going in SBS’ sack o’ bones for the reunion.

Nene puts out some chips, salsa, and cupcakes for 50-Cynt and Marlo.  We see Gregg stick his finger in the frosting, which is kinda gross.  We don’t know where that finger has been.  50-Cynt starts out the pep-talk, apparently Nene had an Instagram meltdown and apologized for the bad joke.  They also discuss the “sis and deceased” or “cyst and diseased” letter from Wigs, Marlo says they should go to Judge Judy, don’t even take it to “real court”.  Now I take umbrage with that – Judge Judy is as real as they come and she would shut down Wigs and Nene like an illegal daycare center!

you-are-stupid-trash-case-dismissed

Nene explains the issue with the Uber joke, which originated with 50-Cynt.  Okay, this was your first red flag that this was fraught with peril.  50-Cynt is a beauty, but her sense of humor is cornier than Gregg’s feet.  I’m not sure how this joke was supposed to be funny, but Nene wasn’t aware that the audience at the show was chock full o’ Uber employees.  50-Cynt and Marlo advise her to be more careful about what she says, they offer their support, and promise Nene that this will blow over in a week.  Which is true, because it’s really only a matter of about three days before one of these other dreadful bitches does something offensive.

Now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, Kandi and Wigs meet for fish tacos.  Kandi is at the restaurant at 12:57 p.m. and Kroy drops off Wigs at 2:28 p.m.  KROY – YOU HAD ONE JOB, DRIVE YOUR INFLATED WIFE AROUND.  JEZZUZ!  Knowing how hangry Kandi can get, I’m shocked she wasn’t elbow deep in an appetizer.  Wigs claims there was a huge car wreck, but she had her wine in the car, and she’s ready to rumble… already on 10!

Wigs heard from SBS that Kandi had an issue with Kroy driving her everywhere.  Kandi explains it’s not about Kroy being her Uber driver, but it’s about “being present” instead of always having a quick out of every Bravo mandated social situation.  Wigs is being her usual skid mark on the underpants of society and she plays the “jealousy” card, which is comical.  Wigs – get ahold of yourself, no one is jealous of your 12 kids and botched face.  Wigs demands an example, Kandi refers back to the Elephant Room when Wigs was on the phone calling Kroy for a pizza delivery.  Wigs says “when the fuck did I call my husband during the Elephant Room?”  Kandi fires back, “Bitch who the fuck you cussin’ at?  If you gettin’ irritated, do what the fuck you normally do and take yo’ ass on and get in that car.”  Kandi’s voice is rattling, which means she’s about to go full-blown HAM on Wigs’ silicone ass.  Where is the Bravo intern?  Hold her earrings, she’s goin’ in!  Wigs is actually taken aback and she changes the subject to Baby Ace, which makes Kandi smile and they agree to have a civilized convo.  Kim smiles and her upper lip is so puffed up from injections that it flips up and creases, it looks like she’s sticking her tongue out.  Wigs is sooo busy these days, claims Kroy is doing NFL stuff… “broadcasting” – umm, hunni… manning the security cameras in your home isn’t broadcasting.

Wigs lips

Wigs asks Kandi about Nene’s comment and takes the opportunity to say for the 118th time that she thinks Nene is on drugs.  Kandi explains how the roach comments were really hurtful to Nene, but Wigs is the only all-white, never forget, bat-shit crazy, card-carrying, member of this group.  So, she needs to mind her motherf*ckin’ P’s & Q’s red Solo cups!

Next week, Porsha wipes out on roller skates, Prison BAE talks marriage, and Question Marc makes a personal appearance.