Burn Baby, Burn

The ladies have returned from Puerto Rico and Nene only has a small showing this week, which is okay because I’m sick of looking at her ill-fitting wigs.  Man servant Gregg has been let out of the basement for some sunlight, exercise, and to pick up Nene at the airport.  As she teeters through the parking garage, she begins to rehash the vacation drama as Gregg just nods and smiles.  That’s right, agree with everything she says and you might get an extra blanket to keep you warm in the basement.  Nene actually does acknowledge that her comments about Claw-dia’s va-jay-jay were way out of line and Gregg nails it, “sounds like NayNay came out!”  WORD!

Meanwhile, Cynthia rehashes with hubby Peter and her trouble making sister, Mal.  Cynthia serves up a mix of Puerto Rican rum and Welch’s pink lemonade as they enjoy hearing about the epic reading delivered by newcomer Claw-dia.  Yes, she read the legendary Nene within an inch of her ass and Peter decides he likes Claw-dia already, struggle toes unseen.  Mal, handling the bidness end of things, inquires on the status and validity of the infamous friend contract and we are treated to a flash back of the signing ceremony.  Hair and makeup was much less complicated back then.  Mal runs to Cynthia’s Rubbermaid tub of important papers and discovers the friend contract, Cynthia grabs it and deems it appropriate that the friend contract leave this world the same way it came in, ready to spontaneously combust like flammable adhesive barely holding on to a ramen noodle wig.

Burn Contract

In Kandi and Todd news, they pay a useless Bravo cross-over visit to Dr. Jackie from “Married to Medicine”.  Apparently Todd needs to have his swimmers tested since Kandi is ready, willing, and able to conceive.  Dr. Jackie gives Todd his choice of sample container sizes, junior miniature, passable intermediate, and “Mandingo style.”  Umm… Eww.  Todd is sent marching to the “mastrubatorium” and Dr. Jackie furnishes him with EZ glide and hand sanitizer so he can serve up a sample.  After finding out that Todd is cleared for takeoff, Kandi summons Riley and Kaela to the kitchen for the awkward moment of the night.  She asks the girls why they are avoiding each other, and oh by the way, get out the glitter glue and help mommy create her ovulation calendar!  Umm…Eww.  Kaela addresses why she and Riley don’t hang out, it seems Riley spends most of her time holed up in her 400 square foot bedroom staring at her 60” flat screen TV which receives 4,832 channels.  Later we see the gang having some family time at the go-kart track and Kandi surprises Todd with a belated birthday present, a brand new Corvette.  Todd seems less than enthused and they clearly have a skewed family dynamic.  It seems Kandi’s solution to strained family relationships is to buy their happiness and love with lavish presents.

In Phaedra-land, she is checking in with her latest client, Derek J., to remind him to keep documentation to prove the “hair burglar” claim is hurting his bidness.  Everybody knows all we have is “our good name and a good pair of pumps, girl.”  Her mother drops by to shoot the shit and they discuss Apollo’s impending self-surrender date.  Meanwhile, Apollo attempts to soften an awkward discussion by plying his boys with fro-yo.  He explains to Ayden that daddy is “in trouble”, which is why he will not see them until they are teenagers and have children of their own.  All this translates to in li’l Ayden’s mind is that daddy will be in permanent time out.  He is trying to impart to the boys that he loves them, blah, blah, blah, but Ayden has such a cheerful disposition, all he can focus on is his brother and his tub o’ fro-yo topped with gummy bears and sprinkles.  Apollo needs to relinquish his place on the show, do this shit in private, and just go away.

Ayden-Yogurt

Cynthia is planning a road trip to Charlotte, NC for the grand opening of “Sports One”, which is Peter’s new sports bar version of “Bar One”.  As we like to call them “Failure #1” and “Failure #2”.  Cynthia dials up Kenya, who answers the phone “this is twirl”.  Umm… Eww.  It’s a three hour drive to Charlotte, which Twirl scoffs about, and then she demands a five star hotel, wardrobe, and a full hair and makeup team.  Cynthia bursts her twirling bubble by telling her they will be at the Holiday Inn Express with some wet-naps and a comb.

Later, Kenya arrives at Cynthia’s house for the road trip and Cynthia reveals that she has packed extra clothing to include a few pieces for Claw-dia in case she needs to borrow something.  Translation, Claw-dia is a bit challenged in the fashion department, which would mean that Nene’s Puerto Rico insults may have been on target.  They pile into Claw-dia’s rental car and realize they can’t possibly make it to Charlotte and spend 12 hours applying makeup, gluing on hair, and be on time to the opening of “Failure #2”.  Cynthia calls Phaedra to see if she is en route, but Phaedra has a “dentist appointment” that she can’t cancel and then she has bible study.  Kenya reaches for Cynthia’s phone and hangs up on Phaedra and calls bullshit.  But really, who wouldn’t rather have a root canal than attend yet another opening for yet another one of Peter’s doomed bidness ventures?

Heck, these gals are on a road trip, and they need to do road trip like things.  To hell with being late!  They need to make a pit stop at the Chic-Fil-A to order the entire menu twice, Kenya needs to wedge her stallion booty out the window of the moving car, and she must request to hear her own song at the gas station so she can twirl out of the sunroof while singing off key.

Road Trip

Meanwhile, in Charlotte, the opening at “Sports One” is on and poppin’ and Peter has invited his buddy and new bidness partner, Kordell Stewart.  Ugh…I can smell Kordell through the TV, it’s a hard mix of designer imposter Drakkar Noir and damp dog.  Back at the hotel, Cynthia and Kenya start dressing up Claw-dia, as if she were “Completely Given up on Life, Hot-Mess Barbie”.  Cynthia is hoping Claw-dia can meet a quality man at the new sports bar because “sports bar means ballers”.  Actually, Cynthia, sports bar usually means hammered overgrown man-babies playing darts and pissing on their Nike’s in the parking lot.

The ladies finally show up to the bar, albeit three hours late.  Kenya and Claw-dia latch on to Kordell immediately and eventually, all five of them sit down at an oversized table.  They have drinks, but don’t need appetizers, because they throw Kordell on the grill with a li’l basting sauce, and ask about his dating status.  Kenya is pushing for Claw-dell to become an actual thing, but we all know that our resident twirling nut job only wants to see Claw-dia and Kordell unite because it would send Porsha (Kordell’s ex-wife and Kenya’s mortal enemy) into such a tailspin she would wave a scepter at herself and proceed to rip out her own weave.

Kordell hints that he would be interested in the formation of Claw-dell, but single Claw-dia exercises her good judgment skills and notes that it could get a wee bit messy since she and Porsha ignore each other in the bathroom and kitchenette area at work.  Peter cannot get enough of Claw-dia and as he gushes over her, Cynthia tries to reel him in.  Proving Claw-dia is our winner this season, she makes light of Peter’s drooling affection toward her and jokes that she has bad feet and corns on every toe, thus diffusing the situation.  The gang leaves Claw-dia and Kordell alone and they decide to take a selfie and exchange numbers, with the caveat that Kordell cannot be calling Claw-dia after 11 p.m. and be all heavy breathin’ an’ shit.  Claw-dia later rejoins the girls and they toast to friendship.

Selfie

Next time, Kenya takes another fake meeting with Roger Bobb, Kandi has a meltdown over a staffing issue, Porsha and Claw-dia engage in a good ol’ fashioned meow-down, and Apollo threatens Phaedra.

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Keepin’ it 100

It’s the tail end of the heated read-off and the insults continue to fly between NayNay and Claw-dia like ravenous tropical gnats.  What I find comical is that everyone is distracted by the revolting read-off, except Kandi.  She is grubbin’ down like the li’l food-savvy opportunist she is.  She is gonna pounce on them cheese fries while the gettin’ is good!  One of the best knock-backs here is when NayNay rips on Claw-dia’s Forever 21 spaghetti strap dress, and Claw-dia counterblasts by suggesting NayNay consume less spaghetti in her diet.  All NayNay can come up with is “Girl…BYE!” to which Claw-dia responds, “really, are you leaving?”  Annnnnnd it’s Claw-dia for the win.

Nene-Reading

Team Beauty retreats to a separate corner to regroup with their constituents and find another bar.  Claw-dia apologizes to Demetria, Kenya, and Cynthia for being so ratchet and she can’t believe she sunk to the depths of NayNay vileness.  But read that raggedy ass bitch, she did, and quite adeptly I may add!

Back at the table, NayNay continues to insult Claw-dia and her “folded under bob”, but that doesn’t compare to Nene’s “ramen noodles glued to her forehead.”  In addition, we still have to look at that janky ass wig that Nene has been sporting in her one-on-one interviews with the camera.  If Ms. Leakes is raking in all that coin as she asserts, it’s time to find a new wig gay.

When harsh light of day hits, Nene expresses a morsel of remorse over lunch with Phaedra and Porsha.  Maybe the root of the problem last night was a phenomenon known as “Hanger” – being extremely angry when hungry.  Dayum bitches need to eat some spare ribs.  Kandi informs us she has planned a Bedroom Kandi re-do party on the beach for later (not to be confused with RHNJ re-done home).  The beauties hit the town for some drinks with high concentrations of alcohol and they are still reveling over Claw-dia’s legendary read.

Later, Demetria pays a visit to Phaedra to clear the air with her prior to the do-over beach party.  Demetria apologizes for crossing a boundary and Phaedra states that the Apollo bashing was “day old” stuff, she compares Demetria to a pigeon scavenging for crumbs, and wants to let bygones be just that.  However, our resident southern belle will not offer an apology to save her wig or her Targét (pronounced Tar-zjayyyy) undies.  They do the Bravo mandated “agree to move forward and hug it out”, but Phaedra still manages to throw a jab by questioning Demetria’s choice of boy shorts as undergarments.

The gang heads to the beach re-do party and Porsha is dressed like a blind hooker walkin’ the third shift stroll.  Kandi starts out with a game like hot potato, but they have to pass a dildo to each other using only the fleshy part of their thighs.  There is no music, so Demetria has to sing and when she stops, whomever is holding said dildo between the fleshy part of her thighs is out.  As if this was not odd enough, Kandi also has a bottle of Bosco and a pyramid of Bubble Tape on her prop table.  Porsha is successful at the game, because according to Kenya, “she is holding on to the dildo like it had bought her a Rolls Royce”.

It’s the day of Demetria’s big performance and the Beasts are lounging on the beach, while the Beauties (and Claw-dia’s struggle toes) hang out at the hotel pool shouting “Arrivederci!” to the barely legal bartender.

After the day of separate relaxation, the gang boards the party bus to hell Demetria’s big night.  Nene starts out with a speech about all the shots that have been taken at one another, yet they cannot take each other’s acc-oo-lades away.  Heck, she is feeling sooo good that she is going to give everyone two tickets to see her on Broadway!  Claw-dia attempts to offer a similar statement about acc-oo-lades, but the two quickly lock horns.  Nene, still weak from being read within an inch of her life, actually apologizes to Claw-dia.  Cynthia nudges Claw-dia to just accept the apology and run because it’s more than anyone else has ever gotten from Nene.  Claw-dia then removes her earrings and goes after Porsha for accepting a car from her married African boyfriend and Kenya jumps on this like it’s an oversized genetically modified chicken wang.  Porsha says to Claw-dia “you’re a contradictory!”, and Claw-dia laughs at Porsha for fumbling a two-syllable word.  Somehow all the fighting has caused the party bus driver to have a seizure and the gang arrives at Club Caribe about 20 minutes late.  Demetria is half way through with her ballad, her misguided ice dancer mullet dress is fading fast, and LAWD would someone please get her some blotting papers, STAT!?!?!?

Demetria-Sing

Demetria finishes the ballad and strikes up her bound to be hit song “Keepin’ it 100” and Da’ Bratt makes a 10 second cameo appearance.  Phaedra admits that Demetria “can blow” (actually sing) and the gang gathers after the show to congratulate Demetria and take a group photo, as if they actually exist in harmony.  Next week, Kandi and Todd have some fertility tests, Cynthia finally burns her friend contract with Nene, Phaedra prepares to bid Apollo adieu, and Claw-dia says “Well, Hello” to Kordell Stewart.